The heaux phase is out, & Celibacy is in? The decline of hookup culture | Khadija Mbowe

[@KhadijaMbowe]

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[@scouts92]

Thank you!! I got $75 off

[@christopherbrown2706]

That skit was literally some of the most misandristic bullshit I've seen or heard this month.

[@Samantha-ur5ks]

Babe the credits I can't even...

[@naimamorgan6209]

@@KhadijaMbowe up to $250 off. Will definitely be getting something good

[@radiobob1908]

I think there was a mistake with the patron names.

[@will_dream]

as a 21 year old virgin… dating apps are worse than celibacy LMFAOOO

[@theothertonydutch]

Dating apps are worse than meeting people in a natural way.

[@melissatranfield4054]

Please join clubs and groups around your interests and meet someone in real life!! It's way better

[@pamayapaya]

@@melissatranfield4054that’s what I’ve been looking into, I’m just having trouble finding these groups especially ones that meet at times convenient for me around school and work

[@BleedForTheWorld]

Even conservatives and far right types will tell you they are trash

[@chinnyb4942]

@@melissatranfield4054 This! Meeting men face to face is much better, plus online makes men lazy.

[@mikeymullins5305]

Sex positive feminism is not about personally having sex. It's about not shaming people for their sexual choices.

[@luchirimoya]

This !!!

[@TheWonderpickle]

Very well put

[@TheWonderpickle]

Very well put

[@bryna7]

Except for all the majority of sex positive women calling you a prude if you criticize sexually objectified women in media or how casual sex is still more beneficial for men and not women at all.

[@23CheekyChick]

Thank you. You saved me from making this comment. Because if that’s the case being asexual would automatically mean you’re not sex positive with that logic.

[@gmarie3082]

The “heaux phase” and “hot girl summer” ended w/the death of Roe v. Wade and the rise of the manosphere. Women decided it’s not worth it anymore. 🤷🏽‍♀️

[@janinakoppe]

@@gmarie3082 in Germany we are luckily still moving in the other direction, people who harass women Infront of abortion clinics can now be sued.. so scared of the right Wing taking our rights Away again with the Next election

[@1mymind2isanenigma3]

You hit the nail on the head 🎯🎯🎯

[@mikorisheridan6769]

Okay but queer women still exist, and personally it just makes this one not want to interact with men in that way ☠️ atleast cis men

[@victoriagrijalva6295]

@@gmarie3082 hot girl summer now consists of telling men to fuck right off

[@Bb-jm6wx]

But you’re showing that overturning Roe vs Wade was a good thing. R v W had y’all giving it up to dusties who don’t even like yall ??

[@beatrixxkiddo3572]

I think the reason why so many women were left feeling empty after partaking in casual sex is because it was never about them. The “hoeing” was centered around men. The act itself became a proclamation, a statement. Fucking went from scratching an itch to “I’m doing this to gain back my own agency”. I fully believe that sex positivity includes celibacy, it’s defining sex in terms that is best suited for you. So if abstaining from sex is for YOUR benefit than do it but please don’t center it around men because just like with hoeing you’ll be left feeling empty.

[@dumfriesspearhead7398]

This is the context that is needed in these conversations.

[@WinxMagicalHero]

Heavy on the “it was never about them”

[@jimin8006]

🎯🎯🎯

[@brennam954]

Exactly. Just like *corn*. It's not lliberating because it is always centering men's attention and pleasure. Not shaming those who feel the need to produce it because it's hard making ends meet and if you have the ability to choose it, you do you. But in the culture we're in, even when women try to be the subjects of their own sexuality, we end up still being the objects.

[@HoodMystic]

Wanting a man but not caring about he feels is wild

[@TrillyThough]

Casual sex isn't for everyone, nor is celibacy. Whatever you do, do it because you truly want to and do it with intention and from a healthy healed place.

[@juliawidmaier5334]

Love this comment.

[@se2664]

Yes ❤

[@subratanandy2142]

Louder for people in the back

[@Iwantallmymoney2024]

Yes!!! Marriage is not for me. I prefer casual sex!

[@Peloponnesia666]

Yes!

[@theehideousmuse]

As a midsized woman, seeing the way I’m treated by men is MORE than enough to keep me celibate. I used to fling myself at whoever said “yes” because I was desperate to be “needed”. I’m happy with myself, my dogs, and my yoga classes :’)

[@ciiru]

@@theehideousmuse same, sis. Same!

[@LGrian]

I don’t think size matters. Those men treat skinny and fat women like sh*t too. When we’re their physical “ideal,” they just see us as a trophy and their “respect” dissolves the moment they think we’re locked down

[@dumfriesspearhead7398]

@@LGrianTrue, but men are extra venal at women outside of the beauty standard; they don’t regard them as human, if indeed they see them at all. This may be a blessing in disguise though.

[@TheDawnofVanlife]

Same…except Myself, my cats, and my gym classes…plus sized woman by the way.

[@sophiebromberger3313]

Feel this so much

[@Jjjjjko]

1. Too many men think porn is reality, disregarding women’s pleasure for a thrill 2. Better toys 3. Realizing most have nothing to offer other than a mediocre experience 4. Dealing with ego/arrogance I’m good without it honestly, it’s been more empowering for myself anyways

[@heythere9371]

5. Long term isolation is healthy

[@ameliagentle7873]

​@heythere9371 I agree, spending time alone to get to know yourself is crucial

[@Gay_Bradbury]

i think a lot of women too have been affected by p**n. it's distorts our view of sex, gender, respect, and is wholly and unashamedly anti women.

[@heythere9371]

@ameliagentle7873 lol I was kidding. Long term isolation is super unhealthy. Humans are social creatures, which is why solitary confinement is considered torture. Maybe you take social relations for granted, buddy

[@clubafterlife]

@@heythere9371 you realize that casual sex with cishet men and long term isolation aren't the only 2 options, right?

[@quefreemind5698]

A lot of men have been taught that human connection and sexual conquest are the same thing, and are disappointed and angry when sexual conquest doesn't lead to the connection they actually crave.

[@Karasus_drug_dealer]

Huh, that’s makes so much sense, my empathy is running a lil dry for them though because of their violent response to the 4B movement tbh

[@kaikai9652]

Spot on!

[@ladybug3380]

It’s a hot ass mess honestly

[@Dave102693]

Does this explain why they don’t want to be fathers with the women they choose to sleep with?

[@ameliagentle7873]

Ì think the men understand it just fine , it seems it is women who get it confused.

[@lisammaina]

why was there a bumble ad before this 😭😭😭

[@NicoleSlays]

So that is the type of ads I'm missing out lol shoutout to KZbin premium..

[@pamayapaya]

@@lisammaina I got one too 😭

[@KhadijaMbowe]

KZbin is playing with me LOL

[@nelsonth]

Khadija getting coin from the company she's DRAGGING

[@kalka1l]

@@NicoleSlays100% The one membership I’ll never churn.

[@passivepanda3656]

I don’t think it’s about celibacy. It’s about being more selective conscious and avoiding going into relationships that are not fulfilling mentally and emotionally. Situationship, the “let’s go with the flow” relationship, the “I don’t want to ruin our thing” relationship, the diseases, the spiritual pollution are definitely NOT worth it.

[@EyesOpenLegsClosed]

This!

[@jorieshouse]

‼️‼️‼️

[@dnycebushton5008]

exactly.

[@TwinkleStarLemonFruit]

I became celibate because of that spiritual pollution. Believe it or not there was a time where my felt like it was haunted because I shared myself with men who were filled with darkness. It stays inside your body if you're not careful.

[@WynterB00]

I recently started being celibate 5 months ago and I did it because I was tired of causal relationships. The lack of emotional intimacy felt empty to me nd not worth the sex. I did have. How faze in college and I thought that was empowering but it’s didn’t do much for except teach how to have better sex which is a plus

[@BLKPlutoh]

“I could have mediocre sex or I could learn to juggle” 😂 the way my baby queer self took years to understand that

[@quietestkitten]

I think the important thing to remember is that sex is supposed to feel good. But because of cultural forces, a lot of women feel pressured to be "the cool girl" who had sex in ways that men wanted. But a main part of sexual liberation is understanding that sex is for your *own* pleasure first. Have sex the way you want to. Have sex when you want to. Embrace your own sexual nature, whatever that means. For some that will mean wanting some connection before sex. For a small handful, it really will mean no sex until love or long term commitment. For some, it will mean casually sleeping with people. And of course, there's thousands of combinations of approaches. For me, I'm mostly having sex with queer people, and I've found that people are willing to have real human connection even for casual sex. So in that context, I'm absolutely willing to have an ongoing casual fling.

[@Agirl5926]

I love this comment, you summarized my thoughts so well

[@quietestkitten]

@@Agirl5926thank you! Sometimes it just feels like screaming into the void, so I'm so glad that my words resonated.

[@yassine8935]

That's my ending conclusion as well even though I'm still a Virgin and don't really plan on getting into a relationship anytime soon I'm not really pro celibacy and I'm also pro non monogamy so the approach that real love should be me settling with one partner doesn't really suffice for me but I do understand that even hookups should actually be with someone who doesn't literally see you as a glorified vibrator it really is about caring and having a real connection to keep the experience enjoyable.

[@Somebboddyy]

@@yassine8935this!!!

[@leafyishereisdumbnameakath4259]

​@@yassine8935aren't vibr8rs for women? So you'd be seeing the man as a vibr8r

[@dra2521]

Sex is only empowering for women if our partners see us as equals and contribute to the overall experience. Most men arent such.

[@ROZIEEEE]

@@dra2521 Bingo!

[@CaulkMongler]

Funnily enough I think part of it is a socioeconomic thing. Rich people can afford to care about nothing but chasing pleasures from a laundry list of people. I’m too worried about my own bills to think about who I can line up for my weekend. This is from the experience and perspective of a gay man btw.

[@Ingydar_]

@@CaulkMongler same with neurodivergent people. I've always found it so mentally taxing to go out and chase sex but always felt so compelled to do so. When I was going through a very messy breakup the most advice I got was to go to the club and hook up with someone. I hate doing both and yet felt so much fomo for not being able to like it.

[@kaosisosom]

Omg yes! The socioeconomic factor is a big part of it. I went through a phase where I had to stop dating because wasting my makeup, outfits, transport fees etc just for some guy who doesn’t give two shits about me to tell me how “sexy” I am started getting on my nerves. I had so many personal issues, a lot of which were financial, and it really diminished my patience for the superficial performances and every tiny dime spent on beauty, fashion, or the dates themselves always felt 100x more expensive because they weren’t bringing me any value. Edit: It would have been worth it if even just 10% of those dates led to an honest conversation human-to-human.

[@MrJakewray]

Finding the time and money to go on dates? In this economy? It's truly a struggle

[@MultiGregschannel]

@@CaulkMongler Good point

[@Jeffdow1987]

@@Ingydar_i feel this in my core. However, I don’t think neurotypical ppl like it either. It doesn’t take away the loneliness so we’re not missing out.

[@SDBR]

Can we also talk about how tone deaf the ad is in relation to Roe v Wade being overturned. Contraception is not 100% foolproof and there are millions of women who lost access to abortion, so casual sex because a lot riskier

[@se2664]

@@SDBR exactly. Because not everyone can cross state regions to get an abortion

[@awsambdaman]

Less casual sex and less abortion. Sounds like the conservatives are winning, good for us and good for our country

[@SDBR]

@@awsambdaman tell that to the incel conservative men that keep offing themselves because of loneliness. Y’all’s numbers are dwindling 😂

[@Bb-jm6wx]

Abortion isn’t 100% foolproof either. They’re just as effective as one another .

[@anissa2361]

No one should be constantly running to abortions from engaging in casual sex.

[@sophiewalsh5492]

Ho3 phase was promoted to me nonstop when I was like 12-15 and I really internalized that shit thinking that’s how you do feminism, only to grow into an adult later and realize…. Wait a minute, why was I taught to act like that when I was literally a KID

[@NationPam7]

Yupp

[@ExeErdna]

There you go! I was 10 when grown ass adults were asking me if I slept with a woman yet, not a girl my age but a woman. People be weird out here.

[@makatka]

For me at that time, it was all about purity culture and no sex at all. Even thinking about sex was morally wrong. Growing up in a Catholic church was a lot to take in, lol. Being advise to cover your knees !!! when you are so young etc. Feminists were evil apparently because your only role in your life should be being a mother of at least two kids I avoided anything sexual, even kissing, till I was 19, still got shamed. I wasn't ashamed, so decided to say goodbye to CC, but honestly, it still fucked my brain and it took a lot of time to let it go. Both our experiences were wrong :(

[@aribahossain6234]

@@ExeErdna I am so scared for you...what sort of ADULTS say that to a 10 year old kid...

[@ExeErdna]

@@aribahossain6234 Hood mooks and this was well over 20 years ago. So I'm good, yet there's a lot that people go through its simply isn't confirmed to a majority of people.

[@asialancaster33]

I support women choosing to focus on themselves and other things and to not engage in sexual activity, what I don’t like is this rise of “celibacy performance” and having some of those same women shame and put down other women who choose to engage in sexual activity (for the right reasons) As a woman who is waiting to meet the right man before engaging in anymore sexual activity, it rubs me the wrong way seeing that. It can easily veer off towards the direction of those “alpha males” who expect women to have low or no body count and be “pure” for them. 🙄

[@Agirl5926]

Agreed

[@darkmage4648]

We should not shame each other. Women need to stop this, men will literally support rapists, but women are so critical of each other.

[@abbyabroad]

Good point. A bit thing I think is people assuming that their very narrow life experience must be true for ALL people. So people who waited for marriage and it worked well for them assume that’s why. I had a different experience but also struggled to find a way to live out my values about human dignity and MY comfort levels later on. Regardless, I would never assume that I can know what’s good for the other billions of people on this planet.

[@phenomadology23]

This! I appreciate mainstream discussion and normalization of celibacy, but it sure can be done in a damaging way.

[@nai110]

I don’t think there’s a rise of shaming and putting down women who choose to engage in sexual activities, at least not from the point of view of young women. I think a lot of feminist are just now realising that the oversexualisation of women, only benefit men and women are once again being played by a sense of freedom when it reality it’s still men manipulating women into doing what they want. It goes against what our original feminists were fighting for (which is not being considered objects for the pleasure of men) The same way, we’re just realising how harmful the porn industry is for women. And we try to share that realization to other women but they get very defensive and think we are shaming them, but we’re not.

[@kelly6677]

Sex positivity and celibacy are not mutually exclusive. The term sex positive doesn't mean wanting everyone to go out and have a bunch of sex. It means being less intolerant of embracing and embodying our own sexuality and gender and sexual expression, whether that means having a lot of sex or having no sex and everything in between, without shame or judgment. Positivity is not exclusionary! *And when I say "our" I primarily mean the entire Venn Diagram of women and queer people and people of color because our sexuality, our bodies, and our sex have been controlled by everyone but us for centuries.

[@SunnyGoesIn1D]

What a great comment

[@TheDawnofVanlife]

This!!!!

[@darkmage4648]

yes. It is about autonomy in our own sexuality

[@FMAeva]

Yeah, I'm a wizard, but I'm sex positive, I don't give a shit about other people's genitals.

[@OverthrowMedia]

Yo, well fuken said. Thats real shit.

[@davemyers4258]

This is what got me: “Society’s ‘love’ is rushed, superficial, it’s about checking off things, it’s focused and centering on romance, and your partner as opposed to the people in your life, it’s also about chasing desire that can never really be fulfilled… it’s limerence, it’s infatuation… Real love is a space and an action, where we can be who we are and we accept each other fully, and it doesn’t mean I let you get away with all this shit, it doesn’t mean that you can just talk to me however or act however, and vice versa. There’s an expectation, there’s integrity… it’s deep connection, deep consideration, deep care, deep respect, deep reverence, and those things are consistent."

[@dilanti]

@@davemyers4258 I really like this description of loyal love and responsibility

[@starfire246810]

That last line was 🔥!

[@gregvs.theworld451]

This comment should be pinned.

[@tamiyabobb6962]

This was beautifully put.

[@aquariusbeauty210]

Very Well said❤❤

[@ohliv1247]

I'm 29 and never had sex. I'm not religious. I want to be with someone I truly care about and I know cares for me. I've gone on dates, but I still haven't found anyone I genuinely like or see myself being friends with.

[@ArtichokeHunter]

i'm 34. that definitely sucks if you're not making friends either, but whether you're demisexual or not, the search for connection first is a challenge and you're not alone in it

[@cheryl5667]

.. Because you 'respect yourself', right ;). JK

[@SunnyGoesIn1D]

I hope you get that and I’m glad you will find it on your own terms. That’s important.

[@gregvs.theworld451]

26. Never had sex either. At this point I'm okay to just give it up, but I don't want to give it to anyone who just wants to use me to get off. If i could find someone willing to respect it's my first time and treat me as a person and try to make me feel good and let me do the same to them while patiently recognizing I might get it wrong since it's my first time, but accepting that with no judgement, I'm not too picky about who I give it up to.

[@yunglynda1326]

same age & same here mate. i crave humanization and meaningful connection with a fellow t4t queer... i'm hoping i'll have more luck when i meet more fellow QTBIPOC because thin whte queers have been the biggest disappointment🤷🏾😑 from my standpoint it feels like they like each other and their theoretical, self-congratulatory acceptance of everyone better than actually including people with black & brown & fat & disabled queer bodies in their imaginations as people they can love.

[@HighAsHeckPriestess]

I chose celibacy after my last relationship because as i was outgrowing the hoe phase i had come to realize that i had been lied to about the realities of love and relationships. Celibacy is helping me reassess the things i believed to be true, and if maybe life in the 21st century is a barrier to genuine relationships that i need to study further before trying again

[@anjetto1]

I'm genuinely asking and don't let me white man all over you, what realities of sex and relationships were you lied to about?

[@snowshinobi]

​@@anjetto1Khadija covers many of these in the video we're commenting on

[@anjetto1]

@snowshinobi yes, but they're not the person who socialized OP. My parents never once talked to me about relationships. Only ever had the safe sex talk a couple of times. But never about relationship dynamics.(Other than treating people with a baseline of human respect) Those were things I figured out on my own. But I'd be curious as to what other people expected/ were told and told by whom.

[@HighAsHeckPriestess]

​@@anjetto1 a large part of it was being taught about love (as someone diagnosed autistic as an adult) from neurotypical cis het folks who grew up in homes with unhealthy relationship dynamics. Everything i was taught pretty much boiled down to me having stop being myself and settling for being unhappy in the name of keeping "the peace" and not advocating for myself. Its dreadful how it showed up in my romantic pursuits in adulthood. January 2023 was the last straw!

[@ShaeDaily]

The forcing of neglecting one’s self for a person to love you is wild!😢

[@rhiannimate]

I read a great quote at some point that said conservative men see women as private property, and liberal men see women as public property. It was very eye opening for me and i realized that until I'm not viewed as an item to be had or shared, I'd rather just work on myself and be fulfilled in my own self love.

[@user-lt1jd1ye3v]

Facts girl facts

[@leafyishereisdumbnameakath4259]

@rhiannimate I'm so sorry

[@softhorror8779]

I tried to hookup only once and it left me disgusted. Three seasons of sex and the city later I realized casual sex wasn’t for me. Every single sex scene made me realize I’d hate doing the things the characters were doing

[@anjetto1]

That's fine. We're all different. Being cool with your differences and yourself is vital. You do you.

[@hannahv7008]

@@softhorror8779 so your are on the asexual spectrum 😉

[@tym9080]

@@hannahv7008 not necessarily. It could be a craving for deeper connections with your sexual partner.

[@sassylittleprophet]

You think maybe you're demisexual? Like you need to get to know and fall in love with someone before having sex with them? (Asking because I'm demisexual and that's how it is for me.)

[@choux8372]

Me too! I had one hookup experience, and it was fun for sure, but it left me feeling empty afterward. After that, I knew I wanted to be with someone whom I could share all kinds of experiences with, not just sexual ones.

[@thenicolajeann]

I think another issue with the “ho phase” is that men see it as so casual that even the most basic respect is disregarded and it makes you feel so low, lower than ever before. true intimacy is rare and will always triumph anything casual imo because there’s legit respect for both people involved and mutual love/admiration that transcends sex

[@Thunderthighhighs]

@@thenicolajeann as a trans man I've seen the other side of the equation and I'm convinced that most cis men are incredibly emotionally stunted on the whole to the point where a lot of them are incapable of feeling real love for a partner. They treat other men like disposable sex objects and they either treat women as disposable if they're "easy" or put them on a pedestal as a prized possession if they're "wife material". I don't think most of these men can actually conceptualize of a sexual encounter as anything other than a power struggle or a convoluted master bait ion session. Respecting your partner as a human being is completely antithetical to their idea of what sex *is*.

[@ExeErdna]

Yet that's how it be when you're both overall boucing between the inner circle of friends knowing somebody is about to be mad, where was the respect? Respect was lost when you know what you two had that afternoon and you both know you got dates that every evening. Nobody's really asking for intimacy they're looking for thrills, intimacy is a process that hurts at times because it's a slow burn and some people can't handle that heat for too long.

[@Bb-jm6wx]

Yes… idk why men associate sex with treating someone like crap but women need to start raising their sons better .

[@ExeErdna]

@@Bb-jm6wx I was a person that came from such a background. I was around hood mooks and my mom put both of us in danger way too many times. It honestly put me off from sex I was like "eww" in retrospect

[@blakesummers3764]

Pray for your local aces ya'll

[@ArtichokeHunter]

tbh for us aces of hearts, dating apps are so helpful for putting upfront what your deal is, so people don't assume you want what you don't. just my experiences. Hookup culture is around but not hard to avoid really

[@Zikomo7]

Why? Seems like you’re the real winners here

[@tired690]

@@Zikomo7 bc we are gonna be the ones blamed for the rising lack of s*xual interest in people. Queerphobes did the same with gay people and low birth rates, people weren't having kids and according to them it was bc too many of the young people were too busy being gay (and that the homophobic/transphobic idea that so many younger people are gay or trans is either bc theyre confused or being indocrinated by the lgbt+ community was being pushed and spread around alot still is tbh.) :/ acephobia is still well and alive and it's only gonna get worse from here tbh

[@venuslove-i1v]

@@ArtichokeHunter Nah, its too many fakers pretending they are ok with it until they get on the date and realize "we were serious about that asexual stuff".

[@mari98_]

fr, everyone’s very surface level of sex positive feminism really delayed my ability to accept my asexuality and understand it as a spectrum. Once I left a purity culture upbringing, when I went to college I felt like I had to do a 180 to be a real liberated feminist. The social pressure of hookup culture at its heights in the 2010s sucked ass, looking back I mostly talked to dudes to fit in with friends (across sexuality not just het friends) and it was stressful most of the time. I just don’t have the energy for that socially anymore and I was tired of friends prescribing that I need to hookup after being celibate from the time pandemic. This year reading about asexuality from sherronda brown was soooo affirming. finding that i was really frustrated from the pressures of purity culture AND compulsory sexuality, and probably the most radical sex positivity is putting my consent first and foremost in embracing my own asexuality.

[@Hannah-mu1uj]

I think one of the major failings of the type of s3x positivity that was popular 10 years ago was that it promoted the idea that there was something inherently empowering about sleeping with men specifically. I was a closeted lesbian unlearning purity culture at that time and the s3x positive discourse at the time made it even harder for me to understand that I simply wasn’t interested in men. That plus the idea that it was supposed to be ~eMpOwErInG~ to not have shame about my experiences meant I felt broken or guilty instead of accepting that I felt that way because I didn’t actually want to be in those experiences

[@sophiebromberger3313]

Heteronormativity infiltrated this debate soooo much. It sucks that you had to feel that way, but I hope you're doing better now ❤ true empowerment means YOU are the only one who chooses and judges your (sexual) actions.

[@Nassifeh]

This is *not personal*, I must stress, but it's hard to ignore the impact on discussions about these topics of the fact that now half the population is writing words like "s3x" because of platform censorship of any mildly controversial topic. It's just so jarring to be talking about something this important and then have to do this like you're spelling out the words around a toddler. How do we develop a new, better version if we can't even be sure you can use the word "sex" in discussions? (I think this comment will go through, but I'm not even sure! KZbin is better about this than Tiktok, but not universally.)

[@ramywiles]

This, made all the more complicated by my own experiences of abuse at a man's hands at the time. There wasn't any real space that I saw that spoke to lesbians or otherwise to people who weren't interested in having sex with men. I felt pretty severely alienated by the sex positivity of the 2010s... though honestly, even when I did finally come out, I still felt pretty alienated. Sex positivity finally reached my spaces and adapted itself to them, and to me it still just looked/looks like encouragement to have a ton of sex with a ton of people, which is just as unappealing to me as the idea of having sex with a man is. I hope my experience is in the minority, I hope other lesbians don't feel as pressured as I've felt to get on dating apps and "make up for lost time"... but that's what the last three years have felt like. I've stuck to my guns and waited until I found my girlfriend, but it's felt like an uphill battle.

[@QueenSoledad]

I feel very left behind by modern dating. I'm 25, never had a partner, never had sex with anyone. Since everything is so casual, it feels like I have no place in the dating scene at all. No one wants to one night stand a virgin, but also no one is looking for a serious commitment either. I've fully accepted that I might have just missed out for good at this point.

[@SaffariRose]

Okay, but is it that you want to just have sex with someone? I mean, there are male escorts that you can use for that and will probably get a great experience from it too! But if you're looking for commitment, then remaining a virgin is probably the best litmus test for that. I'm a virgin too (mid 30s), and I'm glad I've never had potential baggages with the wrong kind of men. When sex is off the table, people show their true intentions, even friends. I've been shamed and ridiculed for my choices since my teenage years but now that it's becoming more acceptable, it's not so lonely neither is it now seen as strange or wierd. So don't feel bad, you're not missing much. And with more people choosing celibacy; I'm sure you'll find someone!

[@darkmage4648]

You do you. That is positivity

[@robrs1732]

Remember that this group that wants to sleep around is the vocal part of the dating pool, there are still people that want serious, deeps relationships. You'll find something.

[@cristagalli96]

I relate so much to this. You're not alone in this struggle. It's really rough.

[@hannahbradshaw2186]

I'm 27 and I can so relate. Plus I'm also not interested in sex until marriage/long-term relationship. I want to see commitment and an equal relationship first.

[@alexandrac591]

A while ago I found an article about how a lot of Gen Z is avoiding sex, often because this is the generation that was exposed to internet porn much earlier than older generations and it really caused a lot of trauma for them. I will always remember that this article used the word "humane" when searching for a better sexual paradigm. Humane, regardless of the nature of the connection. That people deserve a basic and essential dignity. Obviously the road toward this ideal is very long and very damaged still.

[@thereallbianca2683]

@@alexandrac591 and not to mention a lot of Gen z were SA’d in there early childhood 😬

[@leafyishereisdumbnameakath4259]

@@thereallbianca2683 are you ok?

[@britneybij3997]

Me watching these vids while the most interaction I have with men is when they're checking out my items: 👁👄👁

[@lsnqkcnqkpnkpsnqpjcbpq]

@@britneybij3997 girl join the club 🫂

[@rogue-taxidermy_griffin]

Kinda rambling here, but as an ace/aro person the human civilization-long discourse around sex has always puzzled and fascinated me, particularly "how much are you having". Especially as an American living in a prudish yet hypersexualized society, someone choosing NOT to have sex is a no-no. It's assumed that everyone has a rampant sex drive that we must suppress through willpower, often for our religious purity. Hell, the connotations behind celibacy is religious, "saving yourself for marriage" is religious. The idea that men can have a low sex drive, or women can have a high one, is considered abnormal to the point of being a medical issue or a choice made as a social statement - not as it being someone's natural state. I often have to wonder (especially recently with the state of dating as folks have described) how much people *actually* want a relationship or have sex, or feel like they HAVE to because of societal pressures and standards. It feels like a lot of people are lying to themselves and each other. Like Khadija speaks in this from 18:51 onwards, love and attraction is skewed beyond what a lot of people actually need, and like them I hope more and more people confront this in themselves and can start working on healing.

[@EnchanterBitter]

Omg yes!! I genuinely didn’t know asexuality was an option, I thought I was broken because I didn’t need or desire sex. After my first and only traumatic relationship I started to realize it wasn’t for me and never would be. People have a problem with that for some reason…why are people so concerned about sex, it’s weird.

[@alpacafish1269]

Omg! On the point about society seeing the idea of a man having a low sex drive as abnormal, I had a bit of an argument with my bio teacher about that since he suggested that ALL men have a high sex drive (due to the testosterone), which I argued that depends on the person or man in particular, he then got up to say that it’s innate for men to have a high sex drive and if you don’t as a man then there is something medically wrong with you. And that narrative is… something. But his understanding of this wasn’t surprising to me since he then went on a tiny tangent about how “if a women just gave men constant sex for their high sex drive, then men wouldn’t cheat on them.” (Basically *blaming* women for men’s lack of commitment and faulty sense of basic human decency) **eye roll**

[@Faye-oc2bi]

These are such good points. I can definitely attest to feeling the societal pressure to have sex (specifically sex with men, starting in my mid teens). For me it had a lot to do with the performance of being straight and cisgender. Turns out I’m neither of those things, and I was just using hookups to prove to myself and others that I could be a straight woman like I was “supposed to.” Once I chose to abstain from sex with men I was able to actually figure out my gender and stuff. And now I’m even finding myself evaluating how much I actually want to have sex at all. I might be on the ace spectrum somewhere. Crazy what can change when we disengage from societal pressure and just tune into what we actually need.

[@genzo454]

Well I always thought my levels of attraction were normal, until I started thinking about it and realized that I've only ever had like 5 crushes in my life, and only 3 of them were serious (which for someone who is almost in his mid 20s seems like it might be below average). Like around 2 weeks ago, I saw a girl that I recognized from high school, and I felt a degree of attraction that literally stopped me in my tracks. Like for 10 seconds I couldn't think about anything else. Up until that point I was starting to wonder if the desires I felt as a teenager were just teenage hormones, and that I was actually asexual or something. Realizing that I was still capable of experiencing such a strong degree of attraction to someone was a bit of a shock to me, tbh. It made me reassess on what 'normal' levels of attraction really are. I feel like my levels of attraction are close to 'normal', but I struggle to say I really _want_ sex. Like if my hypothetical girlfriend wanted it, then I would probably oblige, but I struggle to be proactive with it because it... like, feels almost unnecessary at times? Like in media when men are portrayed as being ruled by their libido, that never made sense to me, even as a teenager. Why would you want sex like that, how could your sexual desires affect your judgement or behavior? Romantic desires were something I caught onto quicker, and they have never really went away, but sometimes I wonder if I am too romantic for a 'normal' man (cis, hetero, masculine-presenting). Like most of the reason I would even consider having sex is for the romantic implications of it (like, don't get me wrong, I can still become aroused just fine, I just don't feel much desire to express that arousal unless I feel a connection to the person). And it's only when I really think about what that says about me, I realize I'm not _quite_ perfectly in line with what society might expect of me. But I still feel close enough to 'normal' that I can't really say "Oh, I'm not like the average person", so it's a bit frustrating at times. Sorry for the long comment, just needed to get this off my chest. I know it doesn't really matter to you, but I just wanted to say that I understand, at least a little bit, where you're coming from, especially in regards to the almost paradoxical nature of America's dichotomy between sex and celibacy. Know that you are not alone!

[@cornernumber6241]

Honestly I couldn't agree more as a fellow aroace

[@nilawarriorprincess]

Listening to this a as 43 year old who's been celibate 20 years is wild. Why aren't older women telling younger girls what it actually feels like to make certain sexual choices? They deserve to know so they can avoid making decisions they may not stand by later on. Sex positively should mean laying things out so history doesn't keep repeating itself. It's been 60 years since the 'sexual revolution.'' Why are we still assuming our elders were 100% virtuous? Why do so many elders keep such valuable information to themselves? We can't be sex positive if we're ashamed or embarrassed to ask or share this type of information.

[@jasmineo104]

@@nilawarriorprincess I think the thing is that a lot of girls perceive their mothers’ relationships as undesirable and therefore don’t look to them for guidance. If they see their mother’s marriage as undesirable, they may swing the other way and look to casual sex for gratification while staying in control of their house & finances as a single woman.

[@nilawarriorprincess]

@jasmineo104 That's interesting. I grew up with single independent women who ran their own homes & lived alone. They prepared me mentally for dating at a young age. I never saw any woman dependent upon a man. It's hard to imagine not having such outside role models or not being close enough to speak to older women. Anyway, my point was that this generation needs to speak to the girls in our lives, aka little sisters, cousins, daughters, etc. Tell them your experiences good, bad, ugly. Don't be like the generations that came before that made us figure things out on our own. My mother talked to us before we we interested in boys. I had 1 failed relationship & knew I had no desire to deal with relationships ever again. Knowing what my mother went through & seeing my friends' heartbreak was not for me.

[@5HTrades]

​@@nilawarriorprincessI feel like as long as families can't teach their children, especially girls, how to be loved in a healthy way, heauxing will have appeal and appear to fill in the gaps in life

[@PossibleBat]

I lost my virginity at 25 after years of feeling shamed for it (not ashamed, I was fine being a virgin, but I was called a prude and a child for it, funny right?) and shamed by other women (sad, I know). I was dead set on my first time being completely on my terms, so it actually didn’t happen until I actively searched for it. At 25 I decided to get rid of it. So I got my tinder, and a list and I went men shopping. I chose a nice guy who actually was a gentleman and let me control everything during my first time (he was literally my boy toy, bless him). I lost my virginity on my terms and I had a great experience. After that, I had another 3 hookups to explore what I liked and what I didn’t. Got it out of my system and been celibate since then (I’m 30 now) 😊. My libido is non-existent naturally (I’m probably asexual) but I’m very adventurous, so I’m always up for a party lol but if sex isn’t on my terms, then it won’t happen, it worked for me so…

[@leafyishereisdumbnameakath4259]

@PossibleBat I am so sorry that you had to succumb to peer pressure.

[@xtaylorxg]

As someone who cancelled a subscription and deleted bumble over this, I’m still miffed at their audacity.

[@jayogee913]

They literally want women to risk ourselves, our lives, and our safety so they can keep making money. Absolutely gross and a turn off for me maybe permanently.

[@kat_the_mouse]

And I continue to be wildly, joyfully grateful that I'm aromantic and asexual.

[@Lemoncakelover678]

Same, I'm thankful that this is not my problem

[@MissRusababy]

same

[@nunyabiznes7446]

Honestly it seems wildly unfair, like yall just get born with one less Survival Game Resource Meter than us? Where is the _JUSTICE_

[@lyndonwesthaven6623]

🖤🩶🤍💜🙏

[@hzc-ig]

yup just chilling here on the side eating my popcorn, supporting whatever people choose to do.

[@BigJosé-1]

I hate how normalized this is in the gay world, it's almost expected for every sexual encounter to be transactional and emotionally detached. I just stopped dating all together, I already get that emotional detachment from my toys and they're better at sex

[@nezahuatez]

That’s often because of stigmatization and homophobia though. That’s how these mindsets were born. It’s all about how you approach people and where you are.

[@StaceyFoxx]

@@nezahuatezhomophobia? How’s that linked to the rampant hook up culture in the queer community?

[@wren_.]

probably because gay people weren’t allowed to publicly be in love with each other for a long time, so a lot of people internalized that and treated their own gay relationships as something they had to be “over and done with”, if that makes any sense

[@alessandradatanasio4568]

Heavy on the "we weren't being critical". Some of y'all think that equality = doing whatever men have being doing without questioning if what they have being doing is actually good. I got into a fight about this with a dear friend of mine because she started to talk about her one-night-stands as her "sex toys" and I was like "Imagine if the boy you're sleeping with was calling YOU his sex toy". The way we keep labelling "empowering" behaviours that are actually dehumanising and blatantly sexist is beyond me. A lot of us women actually fuel the male gaze left right and center (i.e. Katy Perry's latest video...*sigh*) so now not only we are the victims of it, we're also the perpetrators 😵‍💫 we MUST do better!

[@qubilahsadeshabazz]

@@alessandradatanasio4568 this!

[@Dhfhucudu]

Your point of fueling the male gaze is basically victim blaming.

[@alessandradatanasio4568]

@@Dhfhucudu Do you believe that living in a patriarchal society, which has been our reality for as long as we can remember, doesn’t subconsciously condition us women to engage in sexist behavior or use sexist language as well (like using "pussy" as an insult)? I’m not immune to this either; sometimes I say things that seem normal, but then I reflect and realize they were actually offensive or patriarchal. What I'm trying to say is that sometimes we think we’re doing something empowering, but we’re actually perpetuating patriarchal norms and fueling the male gaze. For example, calling plastic surgery empowering feels questionable to me because it thrives on societal beauty standards and women’s insecurities. Since our society is capitalist, patriarchal, and white supremacist, those beauty standards are also patriarchal and white-centric. So, is it truly empowering to conform to these sexist and racist standards, or are we subconsciously conforming to the male gaze?

[@adalheidisofadamahcaptaino18]

I've peeped this a while ago, thankfully I convinced the women around me but gosh, it still did a number in other ways, such as in my country, a lot of women bashing other women for not operating like a man during period week because heaven forbid you act like you are feeling the pain and suffering that comes with periods for many women!

[@limeylemon1685]

​@@DhfhucuduIs it victim blaming when we're talking about music videos and women that literally expose themselves and act extremely sexual in public in the name of being empowered? If you don't think that all of that is just giving men more of what they want then idk what to tell you. They're enjoying this. Are we though? Or do we just think we should? Isn't there more power in withholding our sexuality for who really deserves it instead of sharing it with the world, with any guy that merely wants to look in your direction? If you want to, go ahead, but I hesitate to call that "empowering"

[@KhadijaMbowe]

Pls excuse the end credits, I didn't realize they looked liked that until this morning and I don't have power so I can't upload the fixed version 🤡

[@sharonbaker3007]

No power?!? I’m sorry!!

[@KhadijaMbowe]

@@sharonbaker3007Montreal is a wild city

[@MadamKaiju]

It's okay, we love you :3

[@kayleighf.6599]

Making me laugh so much. So Monday ❤

[@ranbummerz729]

​@@KhadijaMbowe do you speak French? I love your content btw

[@craftybeldam]

I’ve been celibate for about 3 years now. The last 2 men I hooked up with left me feeling repulsed by them and sex in general. Not having sex, made me realize when I did, it was usually performative and like something I had to do for someone to like me. I’m still exploring who I am and some times I miss it but Ive been with an asexual partner for the last 2 years and the different level of intimacy we have is unmatched to any partner I’ve had before ❤

[@seemazz]

@@craftybeldam can I ask how you met? I'd love to find something like that but it's a hard to even know where to look 🤔

[@se2664]

@@craftybeldam so where have you found an asexual partner?

[@moaskarab]

As someone from india, where casual sex has risen to prominence as of late, i often get a lot of pushback when i express that im NOT looking for a situationship or a roster or a fwb. Ive had such a complicated relationship with myself and my body, that i dont yet feel like i can be vulnerable and expose myself to men who still believe the female orgasm is a myth (this includes one of my colleagues who is also a doctor). People have told me my standards are way too high, and that I'll end up alone, but i genuinely dont think i hate the idea of that?

[@darkmage4648]

Also from India and I know what you mean, don't let the people push you down from your standards.

[@aribahossain6234]

It's better to end up alone than regret ever going against your values. Why should you compromise your boundaries? Your comfort? Why should you be forced to do something you don't want to do? Shame on them. People need to realise sooner that smart people would rather not have anyone than be surrounded by bullshitters Never compromise things that are very dear to you. This is one of them.

[@aribahossain6234]

It's better to end up alone than regret ever going against your values. Why should you compromise your boundaries? Your comfort? Why should you be forced to do something you don't want to do? Shame on them. People need to realise sooner that smart people would rather not have anyone than be surrounded by bullshitters Never compromise things that are very dear to you. This is one of them.

[@limeylemon1685]

@@moaskarab I agree with the other comments, I also just wanted to add, I've felt more and more lately that the people who tell you your standards are too high are only saying that because they themselves don't want to be held to those standards and they'd rather try to lower your standards. They want to convince you to settle for less because they're weak-willed themselves and they think noone would be able to wait, noone would be able to be better. Because they can't think outside of their own box. Ive been told by so many people, (mostly guys ofc) that I won't find a guy that's willing to wait for marriage. But I assure you, the right guy will be willing to do that and so much more for the woman they love. And the great thing is? The more you value yourself and build yourself up, set boundaries, etc, the more the right guy will value you aswell. All you'll be doing is weeding out the guys that don't want to put effort into you.

[@louc.6735]

you'll be alone even if you do hookups. it's not like the guys that'll hook up with you want to take care of you when you're not a young sexy girl anymore.

[@priscipline]

"Capitalism makes us all hypocrites to an extent." A WORD! Anyway, I recommend a SAFE heaux phase. I have developed more hang-ups about my sexuality while in relationships vs not. Now that I'm on the other side of the heaux phase and those relationships, I am abstaining because the thought of giving someone the chance to enjoy my body makes me cringe. Versus doing what I truly desire and continuing to explore with a partner...

[@audreyquinn73]

@@priscipline 🎯

[@namitabhopal8763]

“The thought of giving someone the chance to enjoy my body makes me cringe” couldn’t have said it better myself.

[@othelliusmaximus]

Damn. I guess you could say the girls don't give a fuck. I'll see myself out now. FD if you're watching this make the Tyler Perry video.

[@KhadijaMbowe]

I can’t stand you

[@othelliusmaximus]

@@KhadijaMbowe I'm about to be like Bumble and put up Tyler Perry billboards around Atlanta until he drops the video.

[@jadehooper3889]

Who is FD and should I be following them?! Lol

[@othelliusmaximus]

@@jadehooper3889 FD Signifier and yes check out his videos. You should also comment on them that he should make one about Tyler Perry it helps the community. Don't ask why just trust me.

[@kaedatiger]

@@othelliusmaximus I'm here for the Tyler Perry billboard energy 🤣

[@jessicabeshears1701]

Always makes me remember a Women & Gender Studies class I took where we had a reading about Iroquois women who were tired of war and had a protest of basically, no more potential baby making until you stop sending our sons to war. IIRC correctly the wars were ended within like, a year. Maybe a roundabout way to get Roe v. Wade reinstated? 🤔

[@BmoreAkuma]

I remember reading something like this similar to another group of indigenous women

[@carolyns4519]

I think there's a play from ancient Greece about this

[@hydratejsn]

Very interesting, I just realised I've been intuitively gravitating towards this thinking, but never was able to word it. Giving birth and raising babies is *so much* pain, time, work and sacrifice from women. Why should they support a society that devalues and destroys what they've basically invested their lives into?

[@christopherbrown2706]

@@carolyns4519 Lysistrata

[@BmoreAkuma]

@@carolyns4519 Also, a very bad movie by Spike Lee in Chiraq that was supposed to be a "modern take" of that same play

[@Gay_Bradbury]

as an asexual i find it grating and kinda gas-lighty to be constantly told that sex is important.

[@DefenderOfAvalon]

It's historically important and important to most people ❤ asexuality doesn't negate the universal significance of sex, and I say this as someone on the ace spectrum

[@Ariento]

@@Gay_Bradbury I'm allosexual (low libido though) and I agree, sex is fine and all but it's really not a high priority for me.

[@CC-cw8wu]

The issue with the heaux phase is that it might not even be what someone wants. It might be people feeling they have to do stuff to get the approval of their peers or maybe a partner they’re hoping to turn a fwb to a full relationship. If you’re doing it for these reasons, it’s less about free will and more about societal pressure.

[@limeylemon1685]

Yes, there's an extremely large amount of societal pressure these days and at this point it's looked down upon to be a virgin or wait for marriage. It's led to so many people I know doing things they regret or giving up on what they wanted to do. It shouldn't be so encouraged, there needs to just be a nice middle where people feel free to do what they want to without societal pressure. It would be interesting to see what happens then.

[@charliedarlin]

I have too many issues to deal with to be in a relationship. I am 27 in 2 days, and I think I am okay being the single sassy non-binary sibling at family reunions.

[@curtisnewsom6168]

Happy early birthday birthday twin 😊. I'm turning 27 too

[@sbocaj22]

I just turned 25 in May and I’m totally on that same page of my life rn. I’m more than happy to be the queer, childless auncle

[@Jackie-cl2qe]

Same, 28

[@sweariefaerie9621]

37, single and loving it. Gonna start traveling next year, and I'm stoked that I don't have to consult some dude's schedule.

[@imjustdandy9799]

Happy early birthday! I turned 27 today i feel you

[@Swordprincess777]

Idk about anyone else but ive always been content with permanent singlehood because looking at the dating pool... wtf if this??? Edit: even without the dating issue i just dont need to date or sleep around to be happy. Maybe its because im ace???

[@tristanband4003]

Maybe, maybe not. Sounds more like being not into what's out there?

[@Niona_Shashai]

What does ace mean if you don't mind me asking. Never heard of it before

[@ellem8990]

​@@Niona_ShashaiAsexual, it's just often shortened to ace (same with aro)

[@tristanband4003]

@@Niona_Shashai short for asexual.

[@triloization]

Nope, seggs is nice, but at least for me, it is no problem to not have it, since I do not enjoy it without a emotional bond anyhow. Sooo, sleeping around is not something I am really interested in. So 4b for me, or 3b (I still have my male friends I love platonically). So I think it has more than one reason. But maybe being ace is a big factor for you. (edit:additional thought)

[@Biiku_]

For the celibacy part, I'm currently depressed and celibate within marriage. We have 3 kids together and love eachother VERY differently. I have deep and loving friendships, and my family is lacking. He is a heterosexual cis male of traditional upbrining. I'm queer and a communist and he doesn't understand why I'm angry and fearful for our daughter's future and write and plan contingency plans and go to protests and put my white body in danger. He doesn't get it, but swears he loves me. I don't think he understands love the way I do. He doesn't think about it as much as I do. I depend on him because I am disabled. Having his children and my military service and my childhood have worn me down, but I'm getting healthier every day. It makes me so sad. But also angry. So angry. I'm rambling. But the point remains. I want to love deeply. I do love deeply. I love a lot of people deeply. Openly. Strangers, I want to be sensitive again and loving and kind and open (safely) and hug people and not have it be seen as childish and stupid and foolish anymore. As being cringe. I want to be me.

[@astoldbynickgerr]

You’re not alone in feeling this way💕

[@Biiku_]

@astoldbynickgerr thank you. I'm 35, and having been on the internet for 20+ years, I've decided that if trolls are allowed to be openly shitty on the internet, I'm allowed to be openly weepy huggy white non-binary cat person on the internet too. I want to give people e-hugs and tell people they're beautiful and that their hair is pretty, and I might not "get it" because I'm out of touch, but damn it, I'm cheering for the kids these days.

[@hannahv7008]

❤

[@colonelweird]

Your voice is so beautiful and so vulnerable - I hope things work out for you.

[@claudiazg9932]

@@Biiku_ i love u already and i hope everything gets better for you

[@tiffanyhill-rice5126]

LMFAO GIRL NOT YOU SINGING KEISHA COLE IN THE LUCILLE BALL VOICE I'M CRYING. Taurus/Aries cusp here. I had a two year period of sexual liberation and realized that not only do I not care about sex or power in relationships, I don't even like courting people who care about those things in relation to me. The stress I don't live in now is absolutely transcendent.

[@LGrian]

Pisces/aries cusp and same but no idea what that has to do with my star signs

[@Karasus_drug_dealer]

@@LGrian LMAO 🤣 omg I don’t even know if I’m ON a cusp or not

[@thecatlurking]

I read in an interview that even Chappell Roan is celibate right now. If even Naked In Manhattan, Super Graphic Ultra Modern Girl is taking break, it sounds like a good idea!

[@chandraa5333]

The interview was from over a year ago. She also said she relates more to demisexuality and had a lot of religious trauma regarding sex. Chappell hasn't been out all that long and she's still healing from her childhood. Taking a break is never a bad idea. And if that's what she choosing its probably good for her. But it might not be good for everyone. And I hope she finds someone when she's ready.

[@ArtichokeHunter]

lol i'm deleting my comment that basically said this. the interview i watched was a year old though

[@boochi7087]

It's not a good idea because someone popular is doing it - still superficial in my opinion. The goal should be reconciliation with your self and honestly determining if it's right for you. Women should do what they want - but accountability is never off the table.

[@ArtichokeHunter]

@@boochi7087 what does accountability have to do with celibacy?? why would someone need to be accountable for not having sex? I don't think anyone's gonna decide to be celibate after seeing a celebrity talk about it unless it's something that appeals to them

[@boochi7087]

​​@@ArtichokeHunterI'm not sure why you're being defensive or rude to me, but I said women can do what they want and accountability should never be off the table because if something you do does not give you a desired outcome, it's still your responsibility to deal with the outcome (desired or not) because of choices you made. Maybe I shouldn't only address women and refer to people in general instead? I don't think the burden of accountability is only on women. It's everyone - but my statement was made to women as I identify as a cis-hetero woman, but yeah, it should apply to everyone.

[@Bee-ys6kt]

It’s so interesting how history rhymes and repeats because this sounds so similar to how my mom described the Free Love Movement of the 60’s

[@blondie9422]

Yes, almost like humans are built a certain way and eventually the same outcomes will happen in the end. There is some law of nature here.

[@ArtichokeHunter]

i think the marketing campaign is a dick move to assume celibacy is inherently bad, but also dating apps include lots of things one can pursue besides casual sex with men. i've been on the apps for almost a year (talking to and meeting women and nbies, not men for me rn), and I have not had sex with any of them but it has helped me to shift my self-image and realize that it's possible for people to be into me and to meet people I really like and am interested in. As a woman who grew up "ugly" and rejected by the people who knew me well enough to overlook that, it's really valuable to see that that's not the only option for me.

[@purplebutterfly314]

The apps promote casual sex precisely because they know it's unfulfilling and doesn't lead to relationships. If everyone got into stable healthy relationships, who would be on the apps? They don't want us to be happy, they want us to be miserable and then sells us the idea that the cure to that misery to keep swiping and hooking up with randos.

[@staceycameron4157]

Yes, sex positivity is about women taking back their power. That is why Bumble and Katy Perry are so far off base with their latest ventures - it's offensive.

[@Qu33nMary444]

I had a celibacy phase for over 3 years recently and I highly recommend it to anyone. I needed it as an energetic cleanse of sorts, and without *that* energy muddying up my life I was able to learn so much more about myself, my boundaries & what I actually like & want. I was a heaux for myself + myself only 😊❤ Thanks for another great video!

[@igobothwaysallidoismakewav5039]

AMAZING! So proud of you and your self-love journey 🥰

[@PokhrajRoy.]

The Bumble Ad really…was a choice.

[@euhm8679]

The main thing I envy the most about men and hook up culture is that their actions don't get politicized to death. They only have to think about whether they want to hook up or not, if given the opportunity. They don't get bombarded with rhetoric about "how they are giving it away" and how it does or does not tie into their feeling of self-worth. I'm a straight woman with multiple loving polyamorous relationships and I heaux on the side here and there. I only do this with men who are genuinely nice to me and treat me well, so I've never had a bad experience. Are all experiences deep and fulfilling? Not really, some are, others are just fun. But I'm really tired of the idea that it either is a fullfilling experience or it will damage you somehow. I don't want to being forced to consider whether I'm "giving my body away" in this experience or if the other person "deserves" sleeping with me. I just want to be, man. I just want to have to focus on whether I feel like hooking up or not, without having to zoom out and think how my actions tie into patriarchy. I don't want to have to overthink but I feel like society constantly asks me to, because I'm a woman and apparently that's the load and responsibility I have to bear.

[@leafyishereisdumbnameakath4259]

No as a man I know I'll be considered a pig if I have sx and the root of all evil and womens' problems and a weird loser if I remain celb8 but the latter is much much better so I pick that. You aren't alone, your struggle is difficult but if it's any comfort we all have struggles, I'm not saying this to undermine yours. I hear you, just maybe giving perspective if you want it. Noone should tell you what to do

[@BatmanLover1099]

I'm in the midst of watching the video but this conversation is so interesting for me because it's happening right as I'm starting to feel more comfortable with sexual exploration and non-monogamy. I wish there was a way we can talk about sex without having to make it a big deal for everyone, but also understanding that it can be major for some, whether that's by being celibate or being active. I'm bothered by the growing idea that people who are sexual and open are a problem and don't care about others feelings, just as I side-eye those that judge people for not having a lot of sexual experience. It feels like we keep swinging (heh) back and forth, with no opportunity to slow down and talk out the complicated feelings. Can't wait for the day where open communication is the norm everywhere and we can talk about what we're into and what we're looking for without judgement. Maybe sex neutrality? Sex is a thing that happens in life. Everyone has their own way of doing it or not doing it in their lives.

[@Lily.-ve2zg]

I agree completely! I wish people could just accept others sexual choices without judgment. I see a lot of people use criticisms of sex positivity as an exuse to shame people who do have a lot of sex (especially kinky sex), and it's annoying.

[@SpecialBlanket]

Poly here, body count probably a gazillion. That said sometimes I'm in nun mode! Being poly doesn't say anything about my sexual practices.

[@squarecymbals]

This! I've been thinking a lot about how modern dating culture is changing because just like the "American dream" a lot of ppl are waking up and realizing that a lot of what we're taught to desire is based on projection and fantasy and not in tangible ways we can show up for each other that bolsters connection and contributes to building community

[@keyaunna.]

as a demisexual autistic individual i never understood hookup culture and the idea of people feeling hopeless through meaningless sex. i can’t feel sexual attraction at all unless i’m in love with my partner. i really appreciate this video and the perspective you lent. ❤

[@sassylittleprophet]

Yes! Demisexual AuDHD enby here. I also can't hook up with people, I have to fall for someone first, and I generally have to be friends with someone before I fall for them. Also, I currently am in a relationship right now, but having a partner shouldn't be required or pushed onto people. It happens when it happens, you can't force love or chemistry.

[@Karasus_drug_dealer]

ME!! EXACTLY ME!!

[@zombie.xo333]

Was kinda forced into my celibacy era due to developing pretty intense chronic pelvic pain from my endometriosis, but it’s become something I’m really happy with. I have bpd and part of tht is tht Ive been very hypersexual as a response to trauma and my fear of abandonment, and being forced to step back from tht coping mechanism has opened my eyes to the fact that by sleeping with randoms who don’t care about me I was only making my abandonment issues worse and hurting myself even more. Not having sex at all has been really good for my mental health I’m able to prioritize myself and not feel like I need a relationship to feel validated in my existence. I feel like I value myself a lot more and realize the sex just really isn’t tht great especially when the person ur having it with isn’t going to talk to you ever again after they get what they want from you. The part of hooking up with people tht means they’ll never speak to you again nor care to get to know you on a deeper level would really make me spiral into a dark mental space, so leaving tht behind and enjoying being with myself has been very good for me.

[@libelula1715]

Same! I got diagnosed last year - feel for you 🌸

[@Karasus_drug_dealer]

Same here too🖤🖤

[@Melaniesue92]

Wowowow. Khadija. You have spoken to my soul. ♡ I was born in 1992, I think we're the same age. I have been through this. I look back on all my sexual escapades while I was growing up and learning. And now I know that I want deeper connections with people. Nothing is better than feeling safe with someone else, respected, and truly cared for. I definitely value myself and my body more. I realized that I was in a lot of situations with men where I didn't really want it, but I thought I did.. I thought I wanted the attention of these men, but I didn't even enjoy the sex a lot of the time. And I always felt empty and alone after a hookup. And I'd feel confused like, "Why don't I feel good? Isn't this what I want? Aren't I being 'liberated'?" I was figuring myself out. Now that I'm 32, I know myself so much better and KNOW that I want more in my life, not just superficial hookups that mean nothing.

[@KhadijaMbowe]

Sounds like we’ve been on a very similar journey! (I was born in 92 as well)

[@KB.23]

@@KhadijaMbowe 92??? Girl I thought you were 21-22😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

[@FireDancingKira]

I have always defined s3x positivity as having as much OR AS LITTLE s3x as you want without shame or judgement and it’s nice to see the mainstream conversation realizing that you don’t have to be having casual hookups to be s3x positive. Also, I’ve been practicing polyamory for years now and it has really allowed me to deconstruct the relationship escalator and disembiguate feelings from commitment. It is totally possible to have a relationship filled with intimacy, closeness, love, and respect that is casual. It is possible to show up as our authentic selves, communicate what we want, and communicate our capacity for consistency and commitment. I have been burned many times by guys thinking that once we hooked up multiple times, they can expect the hook up but treat me like I wasn’t even a friend.

[@aurelia160]

What you quoted from Hooks, that some people forego love for control, that was really eye-opening for me

[@phastinemoon]

This reminds me of a bit from Contrapoints’ video on Envy: During the segment when she’s dressed up like Marie Antoinette and is exploring how often people sublimate their envy to contempt, and pretend they have a moral high ground, she has this bit about slut shaming, and how women do it to other women: “part of it is maybe a feeling that a woman who’s having a lot of casual sex is compromising the sex-withholding power of the group - like she’s crossing a picket line.” I wonder if this isn’t part of the whole issue around sex-positive, and now the retreat from sex-positive feminism: that a not insignificant number of people think that sex-positivity not only has to mean YOU are willing to sleep around, but EVERYONE has to, and if you don’t, you’re sex-negative. The way that some people insist that any kind of philosophy like sex-positivity has to also be a uniform, one-size-fits-all movement in the community. (And I say this because I was DEFINITELY one such insufferable little twit when I was in my 20s)

[@Natalie_11188]

Yes I agree. If sex is currency (especially in a heteronormative framework); a free flow of said currency minimizes its buying power.

[@remytherat2929]

Banger comment

[@jacquelynsmale8079]

This is the conversation I needed today 🥰 what Im relating to is the departure of what weve been sold is "love": the patriarchal, cis-het, western idea of love. Im a very sensitive girlie myself and it feels impossible to date when I have such a long recovery time after each hook up. If I am looking for deep, honest, vulnerable love, friendships can fill me pretty darn well. But i was raised to not see those as valuable as a romantic relationship with a man. Just because no man romantically loves me doesnt mean i am not loved.

[@beeancaaa]

a word. 👏🏾

[@dumfriesspearhead7398]

It’s not about being loved ultimately; it’s about making babies and continuing the species.

[@hymnodyhands]

@@dumfriesspearhead7398 There are already eight billion of us. The species will be fine. These women have the human right to be loved and not be sacrificed to the species.

[@dumfriesspearhead7398]

@@hymnodyhands Just saying it as it is. It's why heterosexual relationships are prioritised. Let's not pretend otherwise.

[@Imxel21]

@@dumfriesspearhead7398well it’s not working since birth rates are declining

[@ladygrey4113]

16:50 split attraction model to the rescue! Romantic attraction ≠ sexual attraction. Dating life becomes way easier when you learn this. Sexual connection can be something you value in a romantic relationship but don’t mistake wanting to climb a guy like a tree as a sign of your romantic compatibility

[@alias4506]

@@ladygrey4113 no because this is real, sexual attraction is strong asl but just physical- I suppose romantic attraction is personality matching?

[@ladygrey4113]

@@alias4506 for me it’s do I want to spend more time with them in a deeper emotional relationship.

[@ArtichokeHunter]

always this, such a huge improvement when you realize there isn't just one "attraction"

[@fruitygarlic3601]

Also big: that longing for the person of a gender you're attracted to might actually be satisfied by platonic friendship. You don't have to jump each other to have a good time.

[@gemmamarie-ann6606]

I have kids with my ex, so we still end up in conversation sometimes, and he recently told me that the reason we didn't work out (I left him after years of abuse and finding out he was trying to cheat on me) was because I wouldn't submit and let him control me. I told him that was the definition of emotional abuse, and he doubled down and said no that's just how relationships work, one person HAS to be in control. I get to just walk away from those sorts of conversations now, but it gave me a huge base understanding of why there are so many lonely men. He didn't want a loving partner, he wanted someone he could control and would wait on standby mode for him while he did his thing.

[@lilithd5220]

​@@gemmamarie-ann6606 I mean out of all the men and women in this comment section applauding women going back to a more reserve sexual submissive behaviour. That a society made by men decided to control women's sexual behaviour. Are you guys expecting your male partners to adhere to this lifestyle too? Because men and women expecting us to is ludicrous. And the cycle repeats.

[@PeachesNCream444]

I think the moral of the story today is just to be more intentional with how we interact with each other. In any relations you have with others, short or long term. We need to center kindness, empathy & respect in all aspects of interaction with one another.

[@MasoTrumoi]

I'm a queer man, in both my gender identity and my sexuality, and I'm currently partnered with a trans man. I grew up desperately chasing the straight male ideal and dated exclusively girls/women until around 25, only had a few hookups with other men. Time and time again these women broke up with me and would explain why I as a partner wasn't working for them and I would cry and get confused as to what I was doing wrong (they told me, but I didn't understand). Then I dated my first guy. Despite him being more fem in presentation and being the bottom in our sexual dynamic, he was rich and more experienced living openly gay and otherwise kind of conservative. Like outside of gay rights and the LGBTQIA+ community he didn't really care what happened to the poors and other people of colour (he was Chinese). He once bragged to me that he bullied postal workers when his package got lost, I was not amused. Anyways, after like 2 months of dating, he wanted to marry me and fly me out to see his grandma in China and all that. After our first time sexually with each other, he capped the session with "now you belong to me". We'd been dating like 2 weeks. I felt so frustrated explaining to him boundaries I had again and again and again and he wouldn't change his behaviour. He was the first person I dumped instead of vice-versa and when I broke up with him I found myself saying the EXACT SAME THINGS women had been saying to me. Obviously it finally clicked. I like to say that dating that guy made me better at datinf in general (my partner and I are poly). He was trying to control me and treat me like a trophy husband, his tall hot, Latino writer that would stay home and work on his art while he, the man, would go to work and earn for us. And ngl sometimes in the depths of my current impoverished depression I regret not just suffering through it and living the rich life with him. But at the same time, I'm seen and in love with my fiancé now. He and I are struggling but I actually feel we struggle together. If anything I'm in my heaux phase now by exploring while partnered and the same with him. I know that as a queer man I have a completely different situation than most women in these comments, but let me just say that you should do what brings you the most happiness. Not just pleasure and not just comfort, but happiness, fulfillment. If men are bad lays, or worse partners, fuck them and get yourself whatever matters to you. Sex is not and has never been the be all end all, but if it does bring you what you want then fucking go for it.

[@mari98_]

In advance bc I see a lot of ace/aro and possibly questioning folks, I’ll scream from the rooftops about reading “Refusing Compulsory Sexuality: A Black Asexuals Lens on our Sex-Obsessed Culture0 by Sherronda J Brown. It’s an eye opening examination of asexuality, consent, and the role of policed and compulsory sex in the systems that dominate society. After a couples pages I’m like duh I’m on the spectrum of asexuality. The section on consent relates a lot of hookup culture and it definitely got me in my feelings about how acephobia and denying your own asexual can be rooted in fears and hurt in how we betray our own consent or haven’t been consenting in our sexual experiences.

[@nickj12]

I might have to get this book.

[@thetiniestleaf]

I’ve not finished the book but YES!! It’s helped me a lot as an ace person figuring out how to explain compulsory sexuality - both for aces and allos!

[@adaria1143]

such a great read and even if you're not ace and just like reading about sexuality theory

[@hauntedmushroomsasmr7716]

I think what I am a little tired of is the PUSH of celibacy from both the Right AND the Left. If you want to be celibate, then I think you absolutely should do that, I genuinely do. I do think that culture does treat virgins poorly, calling them prudes or bores or the assumption that something is wrong with them. Obgyns don't really know how to treat adult virgins. However, just generally speaking, society is much more accepting of virgins and celibacy. I view virgin shaming similar to skinny shaming: the comments certainly are cruel and mean and can give people complexes, but culturally speaking, fat shaming is integral to every part of society, like slut-shaming is. You see sex in so many movies or commercials, but how society treats sexually active women is awful. Shaming teen girls or preventing them from going on BC, trying to abolish sex ed in schools, constant policing of women's clothes in every single facet of society, girls killing themselves for revenge porn circulating, women being likened to used cars, chewed gum, a plucked flower. Men fetishizing virgins to the point where women are deemed UNMARRIAGEABLE if they arent in some instances, sex workers being ostracized and hated and treated like they deserve bad things happen to them. Society simultaneously encourages women to sexually preform yet shames them for wanting sex for themselves. Sexuality must be FOR men. So yes i highly recommed women being selective with who they have sex with, treating themself with respect, and having standards so we arent degrading ourselves to having sex to get validation or attention. HOWEVER, i feel like slut shaming is just everywhere right now. Modesty, sacred feminity, prioritization of celibacy or virginity, shaming of kink or sex toys or ENM, or anything. It's this push that celibacy is the correct choice and if you aren't celibate, you are just CHOOSING to be miserable. That if you are a woman who embraces who sexuality or loves to show off her figure or GOD FORBID make money off her body, all the feminism flies out the window. Nobody can win. :(

[@Callieforniiaa]

My issue is, I don’t mind the occasional hook up as a woman. IFFFF both parties know it’s just a hook up nothing more. But a lot of men will lead you on thinking that they could possibly want more one day until they tell you “I don’t wanna relationship right now” okay then lol. Women hold the key to s*x while men hold the key to relationships for the most part. I just don’t wanna keep sleeping around, it’s boring, nothing comes out of it except maybe a good or funny story and a few minutes of good pleasure. Nothing more. Women are getting tired and fed up with men.

[@musicplug1730]

@@Callieforniiaa lol

[@thereallbianca2683]

I agree but lowkey as a women especially if you hold the key…. Don’t let no man play with you! If it’s just gonna be about us fkn and suckin…. Then let it be about just that! Be that as it may these men NEED you to be emotional because it validates them 🤷🏽‍♀️. But at the same time don’t let no need ninja mislead you too!

[@leafyishereisdumbnameakath4259]

@@thereallbianca2683 if men are emotional, it's bad. If they pump and dump it's bad. So in other words, you need to be the one to p &d so you feel validated. Right? I may be totally off the mark here so correct me if I'm wrong

[@thereallbianca2683]

@@leafyishereisdumbnameakath4259 bruh what???

[@christinah5497]

Girl, you said it so perfectly. I did the strictly casual sex thing for YEARS with the mindset that it gave me some sort of control. I stopped once I realized it really wasn’t doing anything to make me happy, and I decided to look for something different. Literally met my fiancé within weeks and developed the strongest human connection of my life. I understand where I was coming from, but I feel sad that I restricted myself from this for so long. I really thought I was protecting myself in some way.

[@lexalettuce]

For me personally, my celibacy journey has been the best part of my 20s so far. I’ve started to realize that sex is a performance. Doesn’t make it less meaningful, it just means that sex is an outlet for our emotions/desires/energy that can be expressed in many different ways. Sex can be mature, and it can be immature, just as it can be bad or good, fulfilling or unfulfilling. Me being celibate is less of a phase and more of a state of mind; I have reframed the meaning of sex for me and my life, and am waiting for the right moment and person to share that type of intimacy with. And in the meantime, I don’t feel lost or less than without a sex life, because sex only offers a glimpse of my personality, and I have a much stronger desire to show my full self to someone first rather than give them a bite-sized version of it.

[@genzo454]

Personally, I think this is a great way to go about it 👍

[@a.c5009]

I deleted bumble the second I saw that ridiculous billboard.

[@SiberianFox1]

My body and mind rejects situationships, hookups or any surface-level stuff viscerally. I have never been in a situationship, I had only one hookup, but I've been in "let's go with the flow" relationships and I felt used afterwards even though technically I was treated well in them. For me, I choose either real love based on the deepest mutual intellectual and emotional connection and integrity that has been proven over time through a deep loving connection, or celibacy. I am not subscribing to subpar men and subpar relationships they offer nowadays

[@Gleamings]

as a m*n homosexual who would describe hook ups as one of his main hobbies and doesn't like romantic love (but adores friendship relationships), I have SO MANY THOUGHTS! Great video and always interesting to hear what non-binary people and women have to say about this stuff 🥰

[@LGrian]

I think you dropped this! 👑 Finally a comment from someone who prefers hookups but didn’t take this video as some kind of critique of your personal preference.

[@PokeLitProf8648]

Realizing that I was aromantic but just wanted friends with benefits was a life changer.

[@Gleamings]

@@PokeLitProf8648 I was gonna say that one of the thoughts I had was that it's really all about knowing yourself and what you want when engaging in hook ups (while being respectful towards and open with the people you engage with!) 😊

[@PokhrajRoy.]

My ho ho ho phase was robbed by Covid. I thought 2020 was going to be the time I’d say “F YOU!” to the world but (sigh) we know what happened. What I can’t do in praxis, I can do in theory though.

[@theothertonydutch]

Funny, Praxis is a DIY store in my country.

[@ncd313]

LMAO mine was robbed too, I had a couple experiences here and there but not a lot

[@PokhrajRoy.]

@@ncd313 Extending solidarity

[@JH-nb6nw]

@@theothertonydutch Nedermakker

[@lilpetz500]

Honestly, even with my ace realisation lining up with the start of the pandemic, I kind of leaned into a bit of a heux phase, in the way that I took actions to completely crush the "how you dress and act is asking for intention that got me, person who doesn't feel that way for anyone, labelled a sl*t whenever I dared to step out a little. While it was in lockdown and being safe and all, I indeed stopped being so precious about the topic and wore looks that I found aesthetically beautiful, that would be labelled as risque. And got more educated on several things around the topic. I feel like a heux phase could be expressed in more than just partnered action, but I could be wrong. And lockdown still robbed people of this major aspect of it.

[@leviadragon99]

The world is pretty scary right now, I find it hard to even socialise in-person, much less date.

[@QueenCloveroftheice]

Asexuals entering the dating world: Donald Glover walking into the room with pizzas and seeing the fire and chaos

[@msnicotiana]

I think the decline of hookup culture as a good thing, but I speak from a unique place. I used sex to cope with r*pe and SA trauma, dysmorphia, and a lack of inner validation throughout my entire teenhood until I was 20, and by then I'd been in therapy for two years unpacking it all. The heaux phase is different for everyone, and it's okay to just enjoy sex, but I think hypersexuality and frequent casual sex is a sign of underdevelopment, and possibly trauma or some kind of personal baggage, in most cases. More people are being conscious, thoughtful, and respectful of themselves, and overall, that's a good thing. When it becomes weaponised as a tool of misogyny, however... it's hard out here.

[@jr5557]

@@msnicotiana I agree with you like I want people to have all the sex they want but you got to unpack your stuff and make sure you just want sex versus sex as self harm. My heaux phase was more about me going through something than just enjoying casual sex

[@amyjay1654]

My biggest trauma response is hypersexuality. I've had many a ho phase. Hopefully never again though

[@eerilyreminiscent]

I've been celibate for around 2 1/2 years, been living like a hermit focusing on myself and my spiritual growth/connection.

[@jayogee913]

Same here! Almost 3 years for me, and I've also focused on my job. My boss has noticed, and given me two raises and a promotion within a year! I never excelled like that before when I was wasting my energy and time chasing men around. Ugh, I feel gross about myself having been like that. Others can do it if they want, but all I can think about is how much of my own wellbeing and personal development I lost!

[@honeybun3492]

For the confused men who don’t get the difference between men being referred to as fuckbois, and women being referred to as going through a heaux phase, it’s 1. Intention 2. Execution 3. Result So if you’re offended you’re seen as a disgusting fuckboi instead of going through a self exploring heaux phase look at those three terms and how they apply to you. Yes women can be fuckbois and men can have heaux phases. It’s just how well you looked after the partner during the experiences and if you were honest and proactive about your intentions.

[@honeybun3492]

@khadjambowe bot

[@LondonMoneyCashEnterprise]

Why must men have sex the way u want them to tho, let people live

[@JhinPortolan]

As a trans guy who is celibate because of dysphoria, i never really got the hype over hookup culture. Yea i guess sex is cool but treating it as this end all be all you need shit or you will DIE is crazy. Its like baking a cake: messy, can be fun but you dont really need to do it to feel complete

[@hannekevervaet5222]

I've been unintentionally/intentionally celibate for a little over a year now. Sometimes I feel like I'm missing something but when I truly start to think about it: unless it's with a person I would see myself having some sort of relationship with, it just isn't doing it for me. I also made a vow to myself to never be intimate with people that don't have the right intentions or "bad people". I think my self-worth grew even more by including my body into the conversation. I'm willing to wait a long time until I find someone I could actually see as the one I would want to progress in life with. A true partner. Not a stressor, a manipulator, a man in need of a mom instead of a woman. There's no bad feelings towards any of them anymore, to each their own, but I won't be giving my soul's energy to something that's not worthwhile for both party's. Thanks for the video, I loved it 😊

[@TPlocks]

Encouraging liberation through casual sex was always a short sighted tit for tatt response that we ALL kinda knew would backfire when it began. 🤷🏾‍♂️ Celibacy encourages reflection. If we all sought to truly heal ourselves we’d realize mitigating our traumas is way more effective at yielding better outcomes across the board. Maybe we would have arrived at the true understanding of our deepest desire (love) sooner. INSTEAD of doing that… we sort of watched individuals co-op a positive movement for the sake of selfish desire (casual sex without intention or for the sake of antagonism) and NOW slowly realizing the futility of it. Live and learn. ❤

[@BallinnaLila]

its quality over quantity era. no more just hooking up because its been a while, or doing something you're not sure about doing just because someone else wants to. id rather have fewer experiences that heal and nourish my life than having loads of potentially damaging ones. platonic friend love has so much depth, so much less drama and you can as poly as you want with that!

[@samf.s.7731]

Yes I think it's ultimately about what makes you happy and fulfilled. If you keep doing the same thing over and over and over and it's not giving you any of that fulfillment you're desiring, then what's the point? Of course, all of this happening during a time where our reproductive rights are held hostage by political parties and are constantly under threat of being taken away .. Puts in perspective how completely insensitive and dismissive the world is about how we *feel*

[@hydratejsn]

To me it seems the issue is not casual sex as such, but comfort that some people feel to be overall uncaring, disrespectful, inconsiderate or even borderline exploitative towards their sexual partner. If there is no casual sex that behaviour will just move back into long-term relationships and someone will still have a miserable, unfulfilling experience. I think somewhere on the bottom of this are medieval attitudes towards how sex and gender affects a person's value and by extension how they should be treated in bed. But hookup culture is not really a thing in my area so it's just an outsider's perspective.

[@Dave102693]

I agree with you on that one

[@five_pennies]

I'm aroace and always been on the fence about partnership. Part of me wants it and part of me shies away from it, and I've spent a lot of time examining that and trying to understand why I feel that way...and the way you define love makes me realize the reason why I feel conflicted. I wanted the deep connection, the respect, integrity, reverence and acceptance, but I've never thought of or known love as anything beyond the superficial societal definition and never could figure out how to separate romance and sex from it. Wow. Much to think about.

[@AlphaAscendency]

the history joke threw me - love this - the girlies are choosing EXTINCTION over dating men...let that reallllly sink in

[@princesskrazy13]

as someone who has/had casual sex quite a bit, i found that when i wanted relationships ...or thought i did and was sleeping with men, they were not with it. As SOOON as i started acting like a fuckboii now they wanna couple up -___-

[@lilymulligan8180]

They want what they can't have because of the conquest 🫠

[@SpecialBlanket]

I'm a chronic fuckgirl and guys are always trying to get relationships out of me, it's so weird.

[@crzychigurl343]

As someone who never understood dating, sex, and the like while entering my teen years in the late 2000s and early 2010s, I was the girl who despised the ho phase. Now, I didn't hate the girls who were participating nor did I slut-shame them or anything like but I didn't get why everyone was doing it and the pressure to do so as well. I guess I'm one of those sensitive girlies who couldn't separate sex from intimacy so I couldn't understand how people could just sleep with someone they didn't know (both in the one stand phase but also in the early start of a relationship phase). Its fascinating to hear about this shift and how I feel it relates to the political landscape with the overturning of Roe v. Wade but also the rise of Trump and other fake machismo men such as Andrew Tate. Add in the pandemic that really put a damper on casual flings and I'm not surprised that we are seeing fellow women being more careful and mindful about their relationships with themselves and those around them.

[@gregvs.theworld451]

I think Khadija is right that the issue lies mostly with the men, and it really makes me wonder why the men (generally speaking) want so desperately to hold onto systems that don't help anybody or make any of us warm. I think in an ideal world sexual liberation and casual heauxing could work if we did recognize and respect we're dealing with another person with thoughts and feelings, even if we are having a casual thing, in fact I think Khadija said as much in a past video. I'm an enby, but I'm male presenting and so I recognize to a lot of people I move through the world as a man and thus the issues of men and the perception of men affect me too. I can't imagine using another person as just something for my ego or just as a hole to fill to get off, and it pisses me off that so many men move through the world and treat casual sex exactly like that. I know they do because they accuse me of just trying to slide in and get women when I suggest treating women like people and not objects to have sex with, and if I (as an assumed man) am also incapable of seeing a woman as a person the same as me. I have NEVER, in my life, moved through life thinking so low of other people like that, and for a long time I lashed out at feminism and progressive movements thinking they were painting men with a bad brush that nobody actually thinks or acts like. Imagine my sobering disappointment when I realized no, a lot of the men do just kind of suck in those aspects. That's honestly part of the reason why I'm a 26 y/o virgin. I'm bisexual, I could download Grinder and probably get sex within the week, but I don't want to be treated or treat another person as just a think to have sex with. I'm not looking for my first time to be special, or with someone I truly love necessarily, I just want to give it to someone who sees me and is willing to respect my levels of comfort and move gently with someone doing it for the first time, man, woman, trans, enby, it doesn't really matter to me. If we could treat all sexual encounters with that baseline courtesy and treat people well after sex, we probably culd have a more sexually open society where people feel respected and valued, even if they do just want to have some fun messy casual sex sometimes. I could keep going but if I do I think I'll lose the plot of the main topic of this video. A lot of my thoughts lately have been around wanting to go to school with the purpose of trying to help men and talking to them, while also wondering if I have a snowballs chance if the men don't want to change despite being clearly unhappy, and the fact that i don't know what I can offer men if they're already not checking out the readily available works of Bell Hooks and Terrence Real, among other scholars who have already done the work they can check out so they don't have to.

[@snowshinobi]

14:10 as Kimberly Foster of the For Harriet channel has said, "beauty is a bad investment" for this reason! "False promise" is a great way to phrase it too.

[@annieballasteros9159]

Met my partner in my heaux phase. We built a strong friendship pretty quick and I hadn’t even realized how I’d been treating seggs and hook ups until I realized with him how much more there was and that I wanted that. Honestly, before him, I don’t think I even knew what love was. Finding this connection changed my whole life and perspective. Now I’ve never felt more loved in my life and what’s crazy is when you find healthy love, more love just pours right in. Friends , family, all my connections have grown stronger as a result. Never even knew what I was lacking

[@didyouwashyourlegstoday3601]

this was beautiful to read I'm so happy for you

[@thtgurlbb]

27:33 completely unrelated to the topic at hand but the skin tone bandaid almost made me cry😭

[@taylor3950]

It might be a Browndage! I love those and it’s black-owned

[@janiedoie]

I 100% agree with your approach. Celibacy as a form of control will just win you the guy that you will have to play games with for the rest of your life to keep in line. I want to find someone i genuinely connect with, and being celibate creates clarity from ME making it out to be more than it is and looking at them with rose coloured glasses. An example of withholding sex for control is that Don Juan (i think???) movie where Scar Jo was his dream girl until she slept with him and they were both disappointed in the end. I don't want to trap a Don Juan Im trying to avoid him!!!!

[@sontaranmc2109]

The thing for me is, it feels like people keep getting caught up in this idea that casual sex is antithetical to emotionally fulfilling relationships? Like, physical intimacy isn’t a good substitute for emotional intimacy. I completely understand why people would be burned out from hook ups and stuff. But like… I’ve made friends with guys I initially met via hookup! It happens. Honestly, I wonder if the apps are part of why this died out, though. There’s a lot less connection when you’re just swiping on a picture. You gotta have an actual conversation if you want anything more than a hollow orgasm.

[@thecavalieryouth]

Can you even call it an orgasm if it's hollow? That's the real question here.

[@nicolasnamed]

​@thecavalieryouth I mean sure, bc people can have orgasms without emotional intimacy. Tho I can see how that's harder to imagine from a woman's perspective (I say that as a trans man, cause I remember what it was like pre-t and it took a lot more emotional safety to be able to get there. Testosterone makes things a lot more physically focused.)

[@caitlinp4563]

I feel the same way. I think that people believe that casual sex and and an emotionally fulfilling relationship are mutually exclusive when they are not. You can have a casual relationship and also have that be emotionally fulfilling relationship. The problem isn't casual sex. Both men and women have been taught to abandon our boundaries and not communicate how we actually feel.

[@Panda-gx2rs]

​@@nicolasnamedthis just seems misogynistic there are women who can enjoy sex without the emotional intimacy and feel hollow or empty afterwards the quick pleasure is why they seek casual sex in the first place.

[@billiealexander7484]

​@thecavalieryouth it's a physical release, so yes. Not an emotional response. If you have an orgasm while masturbating to something less enjoyable vs. fantasizing about something very exciting it's still an orgasm.

[@roccafille]

Personally yeah I have experienced deep love and connection. I think that is why I'm being celibate for the moment. I thought my ex-partner loved me to but he changed so drasticly after complications during my second pregnancy that made me look diffrent. Not as pretty anymore. The love from 14 years was suddenly nowhere to be seen. That was kind of a shock. Thank goodness single with my 2 kids for over 3 years and happy. Healthwise looking a bit more like before to. Anyways yeah I really want a kind person in a romantic relationship, somebody who cares about more then looks, and somebody who is kind in general. Till then I will enjoy the love from the other people I love.Thank you Khadija 💕.

[@mayarieb]

these discussions are always funny to me because despite growing up in the 2000-2010s, I was never able to force myself into a hoe phase. I accepted early on that I couldn't do it, before I knew what demisexual was. Without using labels, I just needed a real connection and felt justified in feeling that way, even though I also felt left out or weird for not being into casual sex. TL; DR : just listen to yourself and your needs, instead of mimicking other ppl's sexual habits.