What happens when YOU apologize to a narcissist?

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DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.
THE VIDEO DOES NOT REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AND SHOULD NOT BE USED TO REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AS HAVING NARCISSISM. PERMISSION IS NOT GRANTED TO LINK TO OR REPOST THIS VIDEO, ESPECIALLY TO SUPPORT AN ALLEGATION THAT THE MAKERS OF THIS VIDEO BELIEVE, OR SUPPORT A CLAIM, THAT A SPECIFIC PERSON IS A NARCISSIST. THAT WOULD BE AN UNAUTHORIZED MISUSE OF THE VIDEO AND THE INFORMATION FEATURED IN IT.

[@NarcSurvivor]

They never really accept your apology. They hold grudges and resentment. They never forgive you.

[@joseenoel8093]

🎠

[@jilross4892]

My mom would forgive and start provoking new problems

[@jilross4892]

@@catzee4720 I think it all depends on what happened. If its something very painful than you might pull away for a life time

[@aspehchannel]

Anger is their fave tool of control

[@dhanyaslifeventure]

Because we do nothing wrong that they have the power to forgive us.

[@nicholasschroeder3678]

You know when you're really over a narcissist? When they just disgust you.

[@elainefontes3739]

Fuck yeah!

[@trishamorris5097]

This one ☝💯!!

[@christinamadvig1468]

I'm reaching that point. Unfortunately I'm in a 43 year long relationship I can't seem to get out of.so I'm trying to learn how to handle this

[@sinahabtom9709]

Nicholas, thank you for saying what many if us are thinking.

[@nana820able]

@@christinamadvig1468 46 years for me and I really thought it would be OK. Now in our 60's he is financially irresponsible. I too am trying to come to grips with how to save myself.

[@coffeetablesex]

never apologize to a narcissist. ever. they don't care anyways.

[@gabrielahimsa4387]

i do both and make them confused

[@catnotmylastname1545]

Of course they care. But it doesn't really fix the problem so you won't make them happy.

[@om617yota8]

They do care. It empowers them.

[@missbliss4278]

I totally agree. Now I´m NC with all the narcs in my life, but I stopped apologizing to them long before I went NC. During the years with gaslightning and putting up with their crap etc, I´ve apologized in the past for stuff that they themselves did and caused, just to keep the peace. Totally done with that. They are so good at "keeping score" on everything, so if they want an apology from me - then they can take one from all the ones I´ve given in the past; that wasn´t even my apology to give in the first place =)

[@bren9193]

@@catnotmylastname1545 if it doesn't make them happy, they won't find a reason to care.. No reason to show empathy to someone who doesn't even understand the concept Also I feel this comment on a personal level 😭

[@vincentmaniscalco4421]

By apologizing to a narcissist is giving them a new weapon ! They will use your apology as way of reminding how they are always right !!

[@Fabian6980]

Apologize regardless of if you did something or not remember they have an illness they cant help it show them youre not like them only if you're leaving them of course don't apologize and then stay that's stupid

[@glitteringnails]

IT SUUUURE DOES! I hate it because it makes me not and not want to apologize just for that reason alone. And then I'm stuck in a bad place because if I'm wrong then I'm an b**** for not apologizing, and if I don't feel that way then I think maybe I'm acting like him and then I'm not sure if what I'm doing is even right or then if he finds out he's gonna do it anyway, so then uuuuuuugh 🤦🏽‍♀️ this ish is hard....20 yrs in and 3 awesome kids.

[@jackilynpyzocha662]

They are wrong!

[@materialgirl007]

So what. That's their shit, not yours. If you're an asshole to someone, it's on you to own it and move on. Plus, a narcissist will use that as part of their "I'm so oppressed" game. Have you ever apologized to a narcissist? It's one of my favorite techniques to fuck with them. Don't just apologize, go all out and own your own behavior and let them know that you want to make sure that doesn't happen again. It makes them LIVID. It's tough to be a victim when someone is owning their behavior and expressing remorse for it. Then they show their true colors and will often attack you or become enraged because you're playing 3D chess and they're back on checkers-and they know it.

[@ishaamiishari5041]

Apologized to my NARC coworker in front of our manager over a dispute we had, he didn’t say thank you, he didn’t say it was okay, he didn’t even apologize back for what he did… he literally gloated about how he has nothing to apologize for ..

[@olyguy9918]

They blame shift and want you to apologize for their bad behavior. 🤷‍♂️✌🏼

[@missrelaxed3872]

So true !!!

[@gabrielahimsa4387]

ye its not my fault if slaughterhouse worker are paid to cut heads, its just the meat industry badly using the money i give them.. blame shift

[@sunnyjozani8421]

Oh this speaks to me on so many levels! I actually got blamed and discarded for what my narcissist brother did himself! Not only was I betrayed, but I was also accused of doing what was done to me, and then left out like a pile of trash. I f'ing miss him, I even apologized for what I hadn't done to at least keep him in my life somehow...nothing. He's on the other end of the country, and I have no way of contacting him. My messages are ignored and I'm about to give up. Sucks that he's my only relative in the country, during the quarantine. I've been so empty in the past 3 months after this happened. :(

[@Mmmhrmm]

That is 100% accurate!

[@avalancherose]

My husband insulted me, writing an insult. I said he did. He denied and said that it was me to insult him when it DID NOT HAPPEN. I showed him his text and he said that I insulted him first. I DID NOT! And so on.... you get mad. In order not to get mad you have to understand that they are sick

[@eperon]

I feel that when one asks the narcissist for forgiveness, in their head-they’ve WON! It’s a game of oneupmanship to them.

[@morningsong8077]

Absolutely!

[@anamagdalenaharpertinajero3876]

They feel entitled to see you ask for forgiveness, but will despise youbmire cuz the do know it cones from humbleness. And they want the peace, but arent willing to do what you did.... repentance and humbleness isnt their nature, and they hate those who get there

[@labbiegurl]

This is something I wrestled with a lot, but at the end of the day I want to go to sleep knowing I’ve cleared up anything on my end. Let him think what he wants, I will take care of my peace of mind.

[@lauraleon7661]

Yeees! I think so too. But I also need to be honest and true to myself. Asking for forgiveness is my way to make things right and recognise to myself and the universe that I was wrong, affecting or not other persons. If that person doesn't forgive me when I know my feeling is real and honest that's that person's problem. Because I forgive myself and I won't give anyone the power to judge and blame me for something that is resolved, it just won't work any more on me. If that person rejected me then it is OK. I won't live to please someone who is unable to feel empathy.

[@Tmcsinger91]

Exactly!

[@nanabear2.026]

When I say “I’m sorry” I’ve seen them become more bold, more condescending, looking at you sagely, and coldly. It’s like they are saying “that’s right, you are sorry, glad you know it now”

[@sharonobrien3196]

Absolutely!! They almost demand grovelling.Glad to be done that circus.

[@katieluscombe4261]

Yes yes yes. I've felt this. They love it but doesn't stop me being a decent human being. A quality they can't have

[@RohenKapur]

I've seen this too many times

[@carolkotcheck6065]

Then they’ll just bring up other things they want to be right about. Can’t believe I got out alive.

[@blessed7927]

Well said NamaBear!!! You NAILED IT!!!

[@ladonnahubbard7149]

I spent 17 years apologizing to an abusive narcissist, trying to "make things right" by owning all the problems in the relationship; and he was happy for me to do so, since it gave him more things to feel offended about! I finally realized I was apologizing myself out of existence, since most of the things I was apologizing for were not things I had done, but the way he felt and reacted. I finally walked away after 17 years. Healing is a process, but leaving was the first step.

[@mariamuneer2148]

More power to you

[@MrGearoid65]

Best of luck to you. I'm going through this at the moment. I've apologized a million times for blowing up and speaking my truth because of drink Now I'm ostracized and my name is mud. I should have been able to tell him I had no more money but every time I tried he put me off and I'd move mountains to get him the money. I was weak with poor boundaries but hey, that's why he targeted me right? Am so depressed because my reputation is mud. Hope this pain heals some day.

[@minkamariseiter1793]

Ditto!!! I ran myself into the ground determined to get it right . One day he said OMG don't you get it if it's black it's white if it's wrong it's right!?!?!?!! I was speechless... Wow

[@minkamariseiter1793]

11 years ugh

[@alissaward2632]

Good for you. It’ll come in waves but you are so strong. Thankfully, I only had a year and most of the time we were in separate countries. Although, there was never an easy time…so happy to be out of that situation. Yikes

[@Ninanotlina]

Me to a narcissist: I’m sorry I met you 🙅🏻‍♀️🙅🏻‍♂️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♂️

[@luckycharm1212]

🤣

[@lc4972]

Nina. Was the name of one of the women he cheated on me with. And it was a nickname I had in middle school. Hoping someday I no longer associate negative thoughts to that name. No offense meant.

[@Luxfully]

😂🤣😂

[@VaniaAjah]

😂🤣😂

[@edmissonmassingue6140]

LOL

[@pritha12345]

They conveniently forget the good things you have done for them and remember every small mistake you have done in the relationship.

[@analou3357]

That is so true 💯💯💯

[@bee12355]

Exactly

[@kjsfl386]

Just like a child when they’re upset.

[@solidstate9451]

They conveniently forget the things they did to them and blame you for defending yourself. And when they attack you with a knife and you defend yourself, causing some bruises at the offender they will tell the whole world how brutal you hit them so they got bruises.

[@casperinsight3524]

IKR, What have you done for me lately? Lol They never appreciate anything Bcuz they are overly entitled and demanding. They want instant gratification

[@chrissy2755]

And after you apologize and make the changes necessary, they’ll keep throwing it in your face either blatantly or passive aggressively to keep you feeling their resentment.

[@shaniecegullison]

Ohhh yesss

[@danielamondschein]

Unfortunately true.

[@shaniecegullison]

@@danielamondschein sooo true stay strong 💪💪💪

[@kathleenreardon8943]

If you feel bad they get control of you, so they work hard to make you feel bad.

[@cassinpocket]

Yes!! I always have to illustrate all the changes I have made to get any credit for them. It's like he just is blind to what I call improvements and would think he would be happy, when all his body language says he is actually disappointed because by making changes I have weakened his perceived superiority. He is actually disappointed. No points for change. Plus , the fact that I succeeded at change threatens, so then there's the envy. My power self actualization vs his power lording over and perceived superiority.

[@starfox6493]

I apologized to my narcissist once years ago, and I didn't realize it then, but it was the biggest mistake I ever made. It just validated their poor behavior and treatment of me and opened the door to do even more hurtful things

[@jackilynpyzocha662]

I get this; it only added to the narc's sense of entitlement, not worth it.

[@analou3357]

Dating a narcissist is pure hell and those people don't realize they are demons themselves. While they abuse you, they tell others how terrible you are, how difficult it is to deal with or love you, and isolate you until you run out of breath to live..And when they discard you, they continue to destroy your name and try to put you in shame forever. Truly evil individuals.

[@AsadAli-zo8vq]

Your right ! They tell others how horrible you are when in actuality its them who are evil and full of vengeful behavior.

[@bridgeofpeace5697]

That why i will never let him Go, i want to be a narc too😴 this is my kind of revenge

[@LindaKordich]

Worse than dating one...try marrying a grandiose narcissist. Pure hell. Glad to be free. It hurt like hell....was very attached to the dream but it definitely became a nightmare.

[@analou3357]

@@LindaKordich I did also unfortunately. And had three children w the monster.

[@Joe-to8og]

why continue to date these parasites even for a minute after they show their colors?

[@tinamattingly2226]

They gas light and when you finally have enough and loose your Cool you are always the bad person 🐍😡

[@cyndiatseng9999]

Exactly!!

[@aryebognar6663]

*lose

[@ildikof1606]

Exactly!

[@recolopa5972]

how ironic that my ex-fiance was Tina too and she gave me hell for the past 5 years. i never really understood what was wrong especially with our son around. That feeling you are always wrong , inadequate hunted me... Then it all hitted me last year... She left everything we had, started saying i have mistreated her like forever only to know she has been impusilvily sexually inmvolved with different people.. Had to find the reason only to find out she has Bordeline Personality Disorder/Narcissistic Disorder. Now i know she gaslighted me alot

[@bestfriend1992]

Oh yes he push me to lose my cool , and condemn me for my reaction

[@Mmmhrmm]

And they can't remember their own wrong doings. AT ALL. Skirt around and avoid the topic(s) and have "convenient amnesia".

[@andrewhaywood3853]

The Mighty Miss M yeah my kids are having that problem with their other parent. Everything the new partner wouldn’t believe or approve of - conveniently forgotten!

[@vasilisaagapova2874]

So relatable. My narcissistic mom was forgetting what she was saying in 5 minutes and always tried to twist words round. It was crazy..

[@Mmmhrmm]

@@vasilisaagapova2874 Yes yes yes to the word twisting!! I cannot figure out which part is more frustrating of all the annoying bits that make them what they are. I DO hope that since she is your mother, someday that relationship can be remedied though. I hate hearing when its a significant family member like that for others. 😪

[@mariamailing1500]

Yup and he told me “you’re responsible of your emotions/feelings and it’s not my responsibility” and I was like “huh? So how should I feel if someone cheated on me? That it’s on me if I feel betrayed?”

[@shivanandaji]

Maria Mailing Yeah, I heard that one also. He, my boyfriend, was a psychotherapist!!! It was always me! Boy, I must be superwoman for creating the whole world! I got out within three months, but he dragged it out as often as he could. I even moved across the country, and he called my EX-HUSBAND, trying to find me!!

[@KenPotter]

When you apologize to a narcissist, they get even MADDER at you because you've ADDED to the Evidence against yourself.

[@ncbeachbumintx]

They are the King/Queen of the “DOUBLE STANDARD” they love to blame but fail to take responsibility .. 😬

[@MF-kd1xc]

You're spot-on Cher!

[@b.j.7837]

Yep, and they tell you that you’re the one who doesn’t take responsibility (?!)

[@donkykong1823]

Social slobs.

[@kattitude121]

EXACTLY!

[@yamingoat]

Yep, if I made a mistake it was “you’re terrible and have to be punished” but if they made a mistake it was “you made me do it, oh people can’t make mistakes anymore? It’s not even a big deal, you’re overreacting”

[@WickedBadCops]

I’ve always wondered why this person has to give me a 15 minute lecture after I’ve apologized 🧐

[@rhondabaroli2683]

And Katie as an empath and jus kind hearted human. ..doc lisa Ramano another beautiful human and therapist is really sensitive to the narcissistic injured human and has many videos thst help the child wth in I know from experience wounded humans hate confrontation but hunny doc Les and doc Ramano have some very awes videos and they can truly help and speak maybe in a way you won't be offended or upset..these post were more for the ones thst loved and cared about bjt went thru narcistic abuse we matter too but other therapist and recently Christina Lopez is a good one thst truly tried to explain things and help s the child wth in .healing the child wth in .I could relate to thst one too as my mom married and divorced in early 1960 s a scitzo man thst was older than her. She divorced when I was 3 or 4 so that prob where some of my fear of abandonment issues come from and then I watched my mom deal wth my dad s problems so I do tend to have high tolerance for dysfunction lol but I know when to leave and when to stay and if a relationship is worth fighting for or not .I am still learning in this life too I not better than anyone but trust me .Taurus are very strong and do endure much but are extremely patient loyal and wise .

[@jillyschneider6187]

Lol you got off easy. Mine were an average of 3 hours every 1~3 months

[@WickedBadCops]

@@jillyschneider6187 I have the opposite. 15 mins every week!

[@jillyjun9260]

@@WickedBadCopsI'm so sorry

[@starlingswallow]

15 minutes?! Lucky!! Mine would go for an HOUR!

[@kailashnair4447]

I've never really heard a narcissist say "I am sorry" unless they are made to

[@Tillyann1]

Or unless it is in their best interests to do so!

[@speteelie]

My narcissistic friend randomly tried to call our mutual friend (who is the kindest person ever and definitely didn’t ) an abusive gaslighted and said she didn’t want to be friends anymore.this was about a week after I much more kindly explained that we couldn’t be friends anymore to her, (she probably was afraid our mutual friend would take my side and leave her so she wanted to leave first) I advised our friend to respond with leaving her on read for 3 hours then a simple “okay ” and then to wait after she sent it I started explaining how by not giving in to her game she took the power that our narcissistic friend thought she had and she would realize that she self destructed her only friend and apologize. Literally 2 minutes after she sent the text, before I could even finish explaining our mutual friend gets a message back “oh my goodness I’m so sorry I don’t have any other friends don’t leave me please “ my friend decided to calmly end things but now sadly for her the narcissistic one alienated all her best friends. I pity her and I love her but I will no longer take her abuse

[@balogundamilola3476]

Or they say I’m saying I’m sorry to you, so you don’t say I never apologize to you about what happened!

[@jasontafao6193]

BINGO!!!

[@trishamorris5097]

Oh but they certainly can say the words "I'm sorry". It depends on the type of narc. My covert nex could apologize with ease, tears and all to the point of guilting ME into feeling bad for him and leaving you second guessing maybe what he did wasn't so bad. Then the lovebombing and devaluing cycle would start again. And as far as forgiveness, he's incapable of that! He's a master at playing the role and saying the words, but never actually means it.

[@TheBrittanyd92]

Forgiveness from my narcissist looked like this: Narcissist cheated on me. I had no one to help me through the pain so I turned to my sister. Narcissist got upset that my sister knew about our private life. I apologize for telling my sister. Narcissist says "well it doesn't matter, I'm still hurt" There is no forgiveness from a narcissist. And you will start feeling like what you have done is the worst possible thing ever, even when it was just in response to their betrayal.

[@sharenedrennan1602]

Almost exactly the same scenario for me, except it was a mutual friend I confided in. His cheating and lying paled into insignificance compared to my sin of seeking comfort from a friend.

[@TheBrittanyd92]

@@sharenedrennan1602 it's so messed up isn't it?

[@sharenedrennan1602]

@@TheBrittanyd92 sure is ! Best thing I ever did was leave him.....shame it took me so long to get there though.

[@fernandacoelho7364]

It's ofensive if anybody else knows what they did to you

[@rebecca_stone]

Yes, I've totally been there! Reprimanded for being "disrespectful" of his privacy by seeking outside validation and support over something terrible that he did in the first place. It's just so sick and twisted, isn't it.

[@naseemm2930]

Narcissists have black and white thinking. You’re either good or bad; there’s no in-between. When you’re apologizing, you’re confessing to being a bad person, and you shouldn’t be forgiven. They’ll hold it over your head and try to make you feel even worse about the unforgivable crime you’ve committed.

[@jimmim3000]

Yes, they'll take it as just another example of you being a bad person or crazy. You'll be admitting that they were right and that you were wrong for even trying to stand up for yourself.

[@likeargamanflaming940]

.....and you will never live it down. Be prepared, for the next four thousand years you will be reminded of your "crime". You will be asked over and over and over again why you did this to them.... ad nauseum...

[@peaceofmindofpeace1650]

Yes they don't know nuances and they label characters. My father often said ' you can not change a character'. I would feel a stab but I said nothing. Which is strange because I said what would bother me many times or tried to explain and defend myself...... To prove I was doing good and I was not bad. Hard to explain but the feeling.. Maybe I also picked up how he felt about himself deep down. But when he said you can not change people's character it would feel like it was his message to me, that I had bad habits or I was stubborn and that's it It felt like a limitation that I saw myself like a different person than how he looked at me. It's confusing because one time I showed him drawings from flowers that I made with an app on my mind phone.he got emotional and said it was good and I should sell it. 🤔 It confused me that also narcissists can have other sides to them. I guess I have to let go and stop analyzing but bottom line to me is that narcissists label is and won't ever allow us to go sky high because they will put that invisible roof above your head. With or without words. Only no contact gives us a chance to blossom 🌸

[@likeargamanflaming940]

@@peaceofmindofpeace1650 It was when I separated from them(loved from afar) I could hear myself think ...

[@likeargamanflaming940]

@@peaceofmindofpeace1650 Interesting that you mentioned, "they don't know nuances." Social cues are lost on them. Many times, it seems they can be at the forefront of communities and professions, yet they don't understand or pick up on social cues....

[@SONAAwareness]

Because of their low self esteem and grandiose behavior anytime you apologise, the narcissists immediately see you as a slave and that warrant he or she to abuse you more.

[@joseenoel8093]

In a nutshell, as they say!

[@MF-kd1xc]

True!

[@calvinstovell8108]

So true... I feel it was my biggest mistake. But to not apologise felts as though I was doing the same thing they were doing!

[@markpenn2317]

Emasculation playing a big part. You waste time trying to survive intact, then you waste more time trying get back to being who you once were. Who makes these "people?" They're monsters, they are consumers to the enth degree, contributing nothing more than conflict and negativity in their quest to be something they'll never be.

[@briana14333]

YES! I finally stood my ground and refused to apologize.

[@sallywarne9398]

They'll never say a genuine sorry, never!!!!

[@rachp5176]

Sorry they got caught, is the only sorry they know

[@kevincook4355]

So true

[@suzanne4396]

He always texts Sorry Not " I'm sorry". There's a huge difference...

[@maranathawatch1618]

They have to hit rock bottom...and then maybe they will feel the gut renching pain they inflicted on others...until then they will keep doing what they do best, degrading you as a human being...walk away, and SELF PRESERVE....without narcissistic supply, you, they will denigrade themselves...but don't let them TAKE CONTROL EVER!!!!!!!!!

[@elmondo-s1e]

Even after the rock-bottom gut feels apology... if you’re not quite ready to accept it, they will fly into their rage or whatever their pattern is cause they expect you to just be ok and hug them. Ew.

[@delicate.mascara]

I used to apologize just to avoid conflict. I'd apologize for false accusations just because I didn't want to argue. One time, I got so frustrated by the gaslighting and berating from a narc friend that I broke down in tears. The narc then hugged me and cradled me as if I were a child that had been bad. I felt so sick afterwards, like I had sold my soul.

[@mamabear3610]

I'm So sorry this happened to you

[@SoniKaur-r7g]

I've been here, sorry you had to go through this.😢

[@jackilynpyzocha662]

The narc expected me to apologize to him, for the pain he caused me, so he could feel secure/entitled. I no longer apologize to him; his problem, not mine. I feel better!

[@realElius]

Exact thing happened with me. I'm a grown ass man and I broke down like a baby. And later she hugged me and put me to bed like it was nothing. I've never felt more confused and lower. It was as if they finally got what they wanted and "won". Fuck that shit.

[@josevelez7539]

They don’t apologize back AND they don’t accept your apology even when you are doing it to be the more mature individual.

[@DerKommendePark]

So true!!

[@tommcewan7936]

They don't accept your sincere remorse because it makes them feel ashamed of their insincerity and remorselessness. That feels bad, so now they hate you even more for "making them" feel bad. If you apologise to a narcissist, the only thing you can expect in return is a counter-attack. You can't make peace with someone for whom apologies feel like attacks.

[@jillenegirvan4664]

Been there !

[@Str8OuttaMy40s]

TRUTH! Like aren’t you tired old man! 🤦🏾‍♀️

[@digitallocations1423]

I learnt earlier on that they just use your remorse to gain control over you and demand acts of service.

[@nadinek5638]

When I apologized, he kept trying to guilt trip me. So finally I said; "look I apologized of my own free will and if you can't accept that then you are the one with the problem. " it worked, he never brought it up again.

[@dll2727]

Agree. That course of action simplifies situations a lot. Supports us to include all. Not further divide society more. Thank you.

[@Blackhebrew01]

Yes because it's starting to get on my nerves.

[@nadinek5638]

@@Blackhebrew01 that too

[@vivian2414]

Thats wonderful.....mine will never give up and will never change

[@moorlivingholistic]

@@dll2727 yes I agree with you.

[@Luvnthegodnme]

The narcs in my life viewed my apologies as validation for their “superiority” and ammunition to fire on me at will.

[@rhondabaroli2683]

A narc that can't self reflect respond wth superior comment .yo are truly twisted dear .stop this nonsense and go love your grandkids .times precious .Tim McGraw song makes no sense to you .I give up .your hiding identity .you r feeling small is not my problem .narcs - stunted growth ..remain child like .you are fighting wth mask something I never ever did .

[@rhondabaroli2683]

Molly and you are much alike

[@Narcissismexposedsoulhunters]

The apologies make them hate you even more. To them they have every right to hate you.

[@steveeb00]

I'm 99% certain, you've already covered this topic in an earlier video. Narcissist take your apology as a "See I was right all along" ego trip.

[@ZodoLeeka]

It's worth repeating.

[@stevemurray7559]

My daughter Beverly notaro. She lives in tuscola Illinois usa she is a monster. She has kept me away from my grandchildren for along time because of her believable tactics and I don't even know what happened all I know time is getting short for me and I need to see my grandchildren

[@dotnb]

They do

[@zahara6355]

@@stevemurray7559 that's most likely what my parents are saying about us in a smear campaign. I was at a loss as to how I can deal with being attached to the toxic family I grew up in. My children were picking up on the toxicity and stress that I feel. All my life I had to learn to "live on breadcrumbs"(emotional starvation), I had let them treat me like that for such a long time and now they were doing it to my children too. Actually, it was the children(Truth Tellers) who first noticed the weird interaction with extended family - how they give us the silent treatment, ignore their grandchildren, then making a big show of playing happy families at events. Each time my parents announce they're going to visit us after a long period of silent treatment(they use our house as a base to stay when visiting relatives and friends in the area), our family would dread the days coming up to their visit. My children would come down with "very strange"(Dr's words) health conditions.

[@TeamCat1128]

This is a deeper dive into it.

[@masquarra]

They demand an apology, then say it wasn’t genuine and then not accepted.

[@2Ryled]

Then say ok. And walk away. Their not expecting that. They want you in mental pretzels

[@sweetea7035]

Omg, been there

[@aryastark2006]

Soo true

[@lavenderonixsoul]

Its rediculous.

[@lillychambers-go4qz]

Yes!! Literally was told a few days ago I wasn't being genuine

[@denisewoodward9679]

I remember your saying that to a narc, forgiveness = permission. Perfect.

[@opheliemarin]

Holy cow. My mother's motto is "It's easier to get forgiveness than permission."

[@CyprusHot]

@GeneralCurtis3LeMay what ???

[@sunset33533]

The mindfulness book "30 Days to Stop Apologizing" by Harper Daniels is helpful.

[@fredhubbard7210]

There is something I recently noticed, in addition to the narcissist coping methods @8:15 : "Victimhood, vindictiveness, passive aggression, or rage." I would add that they just act like they didn't hear you, and never said it. They just continue on as if your concern, or evidence doesn't exist. No apology, no response of any kind, no reaction, nothing. It is eerie.

[@TheTRADMOM]

Different situations with a narc but all the narcs are text book alike. It’s horrific.

[@fredhubbard7210]

@@TheTRADMOM Time and again, I am haunted by hearing my own mother's favourite expressions literally quoted, her actions so explicitly recounted, by someone isolated by time, distance and culture. It's like some secret society. While growing up, I thought I was crazy, and all of her behaviours wildly creative.

[@jackilynpyzocha662]

I barely exist to the narcissist; that is painful to admit. I deserve a better dad than he has ever been, is, or ever will be.

[@evren8024]

They only forgive, so their mistake can be “forgotten”

[@suzanneschannel1]

"Hypocrisy is core to how the narcissist handles himself in the world."

[@JerseyNurse78]

Sounds like Democrats

[@suzanneschannel1]

LOL! Oh that's rich in so many ways!

[@officialbismah]

Let me just like this so i can write it down in a book later

[@martinidemon]

Or HERSELF...

[@FeedmRice]

“Or her”

[@dhanyaslifeventure]

I apologized a hell lot times,will tell you what happens: they give a side smile,their ego is watered,their breathe becomes lighter,they project their goodness to show its us who are mistreating them,they relax that we are coming into their hook again,they feel honored...am I not right?

[@missrelaxed3872]

Absolutely right!!!

[@dhanyaslifeventure]

@@missrelaxed3872 yeah

[@sohailshaikh1334]

They'll use Your apologies in future to prove that "Only You were behaved Crazy".. Narcissists are Swine born in Human race..

[@akashsharma-ip4on]

The side smile is trademark of a narcissist

[@dhanyaslifeventure]

@eric haase true

[@MariaCeaMIca]

I would say “I’m sorry.” to my narcissist countless times when I would screw up something. NOT ONCE did I ever hear it from him. At one point in our relationship I realized this. I should have stopped apologizing to him at that point, because I now believe they are incapable of accepting an apology, & see it as an admission of our guilt & inferiority. They have such sick thinking!

[@leeannecarter844]

Yeah the apology I give to keep the peace is usually after getting ghosted or called retard or something worse

[@SamiaFAmim]

She is not discouraging us from apologising. If we made a mistake, we should take responsibility and apologise but then forgive ourselves too so we no longer feel guilty. The narcs feed on our guilt.

[@jparent1970]

@@SamiaFAmim I wouldn’t apologize. I think that part is bad advice. You can admit it to yourself but it is pointless to apologize to someone who would never apologize themselves. Being exposed to this is the reason I now have a hard time apologizing to these people as past experience has taught me they will use it against me later. This also led me to stop sharing information. And oftentimes they play the victims and try to get you to apologize for things you aren’t responsible for. Why transfer power to them.

[@SamiaFAmim]

@@jparent1970 You are 100% right. When we apologize, they get more ammunition to use against us in the future. I just tried to explain what dr Darvasula was saying. We should apologize to them not for them but for ourselves. To get the load off our chest and then forgive ourselves too. These are two important steps towards getting rid of the guilt. It’s not our apology that they thrive on. It’s our guilt that they thrive on.

[@jparent1970]

@@SamiaFAmim I personally wouldn't do it but instead some kind of internal admission to myself, not admitting it to them, but every circumstance and person is different. They won't recognize it as 'for us' nor really accept it so why bother conveying anything to them. Since it is not an equal relationship the normal rules don't apply. Admittedly in my case this has made it more difficult to apologize to anyone in general, as I grew accustomed to this being used against me so learned not to give any emotional information.

[@RestorationRanchHealing]

They react with stonewalling, silent treatment and entitlement.

[@misscharmion4184]

Yes, exactly 🤦🏻‍♀️

[@7Volkan6]

That's what's happening to me right now. Unfortunately I live with that person (my parent). He thinks he's giving me the silent treatment, it's the best time I've ever had. However, I know it's temporary and to be honest kind of anxious about the storm after the silence.

[@RestorationRanchHealing]

pyro I’m curious if researching the term reactive disorder might be helpful in giving you some solutions. In my experience reacting to the blow ups afterwards, I’m guessing that blow up is trying to get Narc supply. I have learned to not react simply makes a worse blow up. Some responses I’ve used is saying- “ I’m sorry you feel that way. I’ll be happy to talk about it in a calm manner if your willing to do this. “. It makes it a bit challenging when it’s a parent but still No need for blow up. When parents tend to have blow up situations they feel a lack of respect or not being heard. And we are all human. Thankfully you are aware of the behaviors, this is half the battle! I agree with you - that response can be massive sometimes.

[@roundandsquareful]

If you apologize, they lord it over you, and not really ever let it go. Your apology becomes their weapon against you.

[@taramcqueeney6296]

My ex was a narcissist and when ever I would apologize for anything I’d constantly get told “sorry is just a word that means nothing” or “think before you do”

[@localppcartist]

they can hang it over my head, but i dont care about it anymore because i apologized for my self. not for them .they cannot harm me anymore.

[@pricklypear7497]

This is so true

[@Respect2theFallen]

@@localppcartist so did that sincere apology remove your guilt(if any)? I'm in a position at work and I've contemplated apologizing but when I asked this person if I can speak to them in private later they avoided me all day. I still wana apologize but they've turned everyone against me at work pretty much.

[@localppcartist]

@@Respect2theFallen i replied/reacted to the slander told to my son. I was relentless in letting her know and came down hard on her because I am in a place where I am NOT scared of her. But because I acted uncharacteristic of me; I apologized....I apologized for my uncharacteristic replies to free my self from the guilt if my behavior in this matter. I could have done a better job; she ( narcissist) thinks she still has power over me by iliciting a response from me. I apologized for me. I felt bad after laying in on her about her comments to my son of me.

[@sandancer45]

I dont need forgiveness from someone who nearly attacked me for standing up for myself. Oh and they never say sorry either when they have done wrong, your supposed to forget. No contact is so peaceful. Many thanks for all your videos.

[@imayaivey1]

I wish I could go no contact in my situation. But family situations can be complicated.

[@annatom4629]

Even if they do say sorry, it would be just acting. My dad is still holding a grudge on my maternal grandmother just because she defended my mom when he treated my mom like shit in front of my grandma. He made a big chaos one day after that and apologized the very next day, but yet he still holds the grudge even though he is the one who is in wrong and blames her for whatever he did and says terrible things about her to us and other people. (My maternal grandma looked after me and my 2 brothers for almost 5 years when my parents were working abroad and yet he isn't even grateful for that and treats her like crap. He thinks that it is her job to look after us.)

[@chrysichrysi7889]

So well said.

[@jenniferhay8451]

I hate seeing narcissistic traits in myself. It’s definitely a learned behavior. What I’ve witnessed growing up and I’m seeing myself do it my own relationships especially with my son.

[@craigcallaghan8796]

Love your honesty, I see little traits myself,but I'm Certainly not a angry or insecure or abusive person or need to feel superior to the person next to me.

[@ShelleySGiacomini]

Brave of you to admit that!! Work on your unconditional LOVE - that’s the secret to overcoming it. Narc’s are missing kindness and compassion, which comes from unconditional Love - And I will say they DO fake the kindness and compassion when necessary....

[@meeks1201]

I think it’s huge that you can be so real with ourself, that’s the only way we can change ❤️

[@mzkarmageddon2]

😥

[@patriciajohnson3017]

Love them more than yourself.

[@nancyh.570]

Man I apologized.....biggest mistake I ever made....I just wanted to cover any bases that I did wrong. Trying to clear my path to forgiveness.

[@Martin-zr2tb]

I had that happened to me, very confused at the time. I never felt I did anything that wrong or ill intended towards anyone throughout me life, kept kinda wondering more and more why my life seemed to be getting crappier, also before I knew what narcissistic abuse was.

[@danraine9009]

Jesus Christ is the only way to forgiveness seek him :)

[@AafkeArt]

Read books, listen to dr Ramani, and don't rely on imaginary friends

[@user-nc2fk1jy8l]

I did that too!

[@sohailshaikh1334]

They'll use Your apologies in future to prove that "Only You were behaved Crazy".. Narcissists are Swine born in Human race..

[@ninaykhan]

My dad used to kick me out after every ‘argument’ and demand an apology before I was allowed back home. Another form of using power and control.

[@elmondo-s1e]

That sucks. Mine would just threaten to throw me onto the streets every time but I’d run away to a friend’s house for a day or two anyway lol. No excuse for this shitty behaviour. Hope you have a safe space of your own nowadays.

[@mammadingo9165]

So sorry love hope your doing ok.

[@Ireneseesthru28]

My ex husband did this. Every argument

[@CyprusHot]

@@Ireneseesthru28 why did you return ?

[@CyprusHot]

@@EverythingLvl weird response. There are organisations that help..... she wouldn’t stay in the streets

[@SusanKG]

When I apologized to my ex narc for something rather minor, he immediately seized upon it and shifted the entire blame for the failure of our marriage solely onto my shoulders and never looked back. My advice: Don't apologize. They see it as weakness and they will exploit to their benefit. It just encourages more bad behavior.

[@af3893]

My experience exactly 💯

[@maryjanosik3512]

💯 %

[@sannawiklund7298]

So on point!

[@iana6955]

💯

[@aichaaicgq4650]

Are you still in this marriage?

[@howarddavies782]

The best thing to do is not give a damn what the narcissist thinks, walk away and go no contact, you've suffered enough already haven't you. Good video.

[@janetwilson3575]

They never feel they are wrong. And it's never their fault! They are always justifying their bad, mean & cruel behavior. Smh. They always "Play" the victim. #Sickening!

[@themarro6695]

Apology?? They don’t know the MEANING of the word!! They WILL use your APOLOGY against YOU!

[@0505nancy1]

That’s correct !!

[@lonerose99]

He used to want me to apologize if I hung up on him on the phone, because of the verbal abuse he hurled my way through the phone and texting both! But I would not. I would say would you stay on the line just so someone can verbally abuse you? Did he apologize for his obnoxious behavior and name calling - liar, c***, cheater, etc.? Never.

[@themarro6695]

@@lonerose99 He will NEVER CHANGE!!Don’t expect an apology🙅🏽‍♀️

[@themarro6695]

@@0505nancy1 💯

[@3506Dodge]

I learned this with my narcissist mother. You can never give an inch. You have to defend yourself against them continuously. Zero tolerance.

[@joseenoel8093]

Give an inch and itch all over!

[@0505nancy1]

The same here !!

[@sallymerrell4491]

Who the hell has time for this? Not THIS white girl.

[@nefarioussagittarius8906]

I have always found that when it comes to owning your mistakes with narcissistic people, you have to have the radical acceptance that it’s for you and it’s because it’s the right thing to do and not because you’re going to fix anything with that relationship. I think a lot of people get the idea that by owning what they’ve done or even owning things they haven’t done they can begin to move forward and heal with that relationship but that only works in healthy relationships. I know that at least in my family even if you stop doing the offensive behavior they’ll move the goalpost and find something else. Because for them it’s about thriving on the conflict and drama. Best thing you can do with a narcissist is just to get away from them.

[@qwertyasf]

Just can’t get over the high quality information available for FREE! Thank you Dr Ramani

[@h.borter5367]

I think Dr. Ramani is too good for YT. She needs a bigger, better platform. For free, of course

[@lesleyjohnsonn6846]

Try being grateful and thankful instead of treating this valuable information as a FREE meal ticket! Thank you Dr Ramani. ..you are a TRUELY beautiful person, for giving such wise council to all.

[@hbass34238]

If they forgive you it always comes at a cost in my experience . Mostly you're giving up your power.

[@elmondo-s1e]

Yeah. You’ve got to admit that they were right or that you were wrong, whatever. Regardless, it’s definitely them getting a “win”

[@colmanlong1032]

There's always a catch, for sure,100%,

[@giantham2828]

Or money

[@leahflower9924]

i gotta understand and calm him down when he wants $500 of my hard earned money but when i run out of money and need $10 of gas he asks me why is that his problem? mind you we aren't even living together anymore

[@nenasadie]

My mother plays the victim a lot, the martyr. The pattern goes like this: she creates a volatile, dramatic interpersonal situation, then she goes for the silent treatment. When you can't bear it anymore you apologise, and she gets her supply because when you apologise you admit you are at fault, when she engineered the whole thing in the first place. But as well as this, she won't accept the apology. She has to make you grovel, to make you say things (and believe them) that are so far out of the scope of the situation she created it's sheer evil. I'm sorry, but it is. I escaped, and I have tendencies that I am working to change... but I am not and was never the horrible person she made me say I was, and that she made me believe I was. I am worthy of love and respect and healing. I can give those things back too. She stole so much from me. I don't have to let her steal the second half of my life.

[@meadowsanddawn7464]

I feel this so much. I have been made believe that I was bad all along, that I was cruel and rude, because I was manipulated into always ignoring the fact that I was the victim. I had missed the fact that I have been under too much psychological scrutiny, to the point where I can't even express my feelings about a situation without being personally attacked, which made me always think I was not enough, that I should have acted somehow different, which is not normal. A family setting is supposed to be a safe place for expressing everything, but I never felt that in my life, simply because I was raised by two deeply unempathetic individuals, who cover their lack of empathy with a victim/ martyr attitude to guilt trap those who are really the victims.

[@-Yosei-]

I'm currently trying to escape my narcissist father who is also egotistic. My dad abuses, manipulates, gas light and guilt trips my whole family. Makes me seem like I am evil and I am not at all. He said my disorders and mental illnesses are and excuse and are made up and constantly insults me and brainwashes the rest of my family that what he does is ok. I have witnesses and proof.

[@-Yosei-]

I am the only one in my family that seeing it is completely wrong and I see the red flags from studying some psychology. Made me think I am wrong and still tries so I have been showing no emotion in my face and if I can speak which can only be a sentence, I speak politely and no change of tone and never raise it and I still get told I have an attitude and he says I raise my voice and arguing.

[@-Yosei-]

@T C I am 19. I get it hardest since I am older but my siblings get it too. I am in the process of being hired

[@-Yosei-]

@T C thank you, I am trying my hardest but I have been suffering a lot. I get episodic migraines and headaches a lot. I have been seeing doctors but not much can be done. Thank you for your time!😊❤

[@derrianbaker3625]

They “accept” an apology when the benefit of having you around outweighs your absence. If they’re afraid to lose the supply they’ll “accept” it.

[@musicandpoetry_8]

So sick :(

[@xxxmochibaby]

“Do you want to spend a lifetime of pissing contests over who has the biggest grievances in the relationship because no one is the winner then” so true and it’s exactly how they see relationships. Always you against them, never a unit. Everything is a battle. So sad

[@gillianmckane6511]

So true, it's always like a competition. My narc once said to me, "I've noticed that when we have an argument you never let me win because you always coming up with some thing to say against what I am saying. It's just sad. I always say, it's not a game, or a competition, come on.

[@leahflower9924]

love is a battlefield lol pat benatar is wrong if its real love it won't be a battlefield

[@justinriley9875]

Does the narc know it's know's it's a pissing contest

[@nana820able]

Very true. I've tried so many times to get him to work with me and although he has no plan my ideas are discarded. Usually quite cruelly.

[@thornless9073]

Am I the narcissist? I saw all of the red flags, and the just got brighter, and I kept trying to get away from him, but I was "abandoning him, too". But I looked bad to people, ungrateful. His gifts were cover ups for his abuse, ugh

[@moonfairy74]

admitting your fault and saying sorry, confirms their reasons to hate you, just gives them fuel to hate you even more, and feel even more sorry for themselves. Its a pointless cause.

[@venicerchia221]

Totally agree. Caught my covert narcissistic ex-bf texting his ex; when I confronted him he denied that he did (of course). I was so angry I was shivering as I confronted him, and I chased him out of my house after that. He didn’t apologise, nothing. And the next day I felt guilty for chasing him out and yelling at him because I was out of control, so I called to apologise. In the end he literally took the apology as his fuel to his perpetual anger, and turn it around to make it seems like it was my fault to have throw him out, etc. I was so confused that I totally forgotten that he lied… One of the most toxic relationships I ever hate. Wonder if there is any chat group out there for narcissistic victims to share story and provide support.

[@nelumbonucifera148]

If you make a Narcissist feel shortchanged, they will never forget it nor allow you to.

[@gabrielahimsa4387]

well my father is shortchanged for 20 years :D

[@hallehconger823]

Shortchanged! What a great way to describe their relationships. It's a transaction of tit for tat.

[@spacegirl226]

After apologizing to my husband for the bad things I did in our relationship, he never told me he accepted my apology. He was just stone-faced. I was so codependent I blamed myself for everything, and I never once brought up all the bad things he did in our relationship. I owned my shit, I apologized, and I did my best not to continue that bad behavior. But I told him toward the end of our marriage that I would no longer continue to apologize. I was done apologizing when he refused to accept the apologies and continued to hold grudges. It really doesn't matter. I did what I needed to do for myself, and that was all I could do.

[@sleeperno1215]

Truer words never spoken. Your lane is clean. Let him stew in his own juices and do not let him blame shift future bad behavior to you. It is not yours. You do not deserve it. The Buddha said that if you refuse to accept the insult of another person, then to whom does the insult belong? If you stand in a river and fight the current, you will be swept away. If you simply turn sideways and allow the current to pass, you can stand there forever. It is the same with narcissistic abuse. You did not do anything. He could be with a completely different person and that person would be suffering the same as you. Let it roll off you. they cannot stand it when they cannot get a rise out of you.

[@soupysales3350]

OMG.. I wish I would have heard this 15 years ago. It would have saved me a lot of grief. This is SPOT ON!!!

[@debbiehamblin2213]

Yes

[@belindabotes6569]

Me too.

[@ewa.bukowska]

Me too😞

[@pearlgeneste1890]

Ladies who have suffered so much... we are ready to move on, we are ready! And were not earlier! I speak from experience of many toxic relationships! I have turned the whole scenario around e.g. an incredible exhaustive list of all l have learned. That l am a strong person because now l am taking my life into my hands. Clear, happy to be (free) and ready for the best as l am wiser and know what not to reply in the next exciting and beautifull healing relationship! All the best and take courage, it takes patience and trust w ones self first! The rest just mirrors all you are and have become... WISE! ❤❤❤

[@gildoron789]

Narcissist are disconnected from the flow of Divine love and this explains in part their inability to forgive

[@devidaughter7782]

interesting- the last narcissist in my life was a priest, who had a large public presence and had spent his whole life in 'selfless service'. I think he could be loving in his professional capacity, but if he felt personally wronged, he would hold onto this grievance and not let it go! after giving SO much of myself to him, in the end all he could focus on was securing even more time and attention. This clarity was part of what helped me to leave!

[@The1WinningTeam]

@@devidaughter7782 love is a fruit of the spirit, and evidence of the actual presence of God within someone. I would suggest that perhaps it was he who did not have the divine love and he was probably faking it in other ways. God deals with people to their very core especially before putting them in those kind of positions. Anyways Priesthood is not a part of the new covenant anyways so i would believe he is not being lead by God.

[@devidaughter7782]

@@The1WinningTeam I think its more complex than simply 'did' or 'didn't' (have divine love). He was a very kind, generous and a 'positive person' and was loved and respected by many. He was certainly devoted to his role of serving people as a priest, and I believe this part of him was genuine (which was why I was drawn to him). He was deeply committed to social justice and 'walked the talk' in terms of his service to community. That said, in his most intimate life, in my experience he showed a limited capacity to see and attune to those (women) around him. It wasn't that he wasn't loving, its just that he didn't have a well-developed skill set for practicing intimacy and was very unconscious of his own patterns. The priesthood had entrenched his role as 'the talker' and he carried this role into his personal life, taking up most of the 'air time' when we were together. What I have come to know as truth is that 'light' and 'darkness' can both reside together in the same person, and a person can be exemplary in some areas, and greatly deficient in others, loving in some ways, unloving in others. None of us are 'all good' or 'all bad', and all of us have blind spots. When I reflect back, I don't think he was 'faking it' so much as that he carried internal limitations based on core issues he had never dealt with. He needed people around him to affirm him (constantly) probably because deep inside he felt insecure (as Dr. Ramani has been explaining). When Dr. Ramani said that clergy have the highest rates of narcissism, it all made sense! Thank you for letting me 'explore' this with you; its helpful for me to talk about this complex and multi-layered relationship, full of multiple, and conflicting truths. I'm hoping Dr. Ramani does a piece on 'nice narcissists', because if there is such a category, he would be in it!

[@frankcrawford416]

@@devidaughter7782 Sounds like a saved sinner.

[@BSR-zy2so]

As an atheist, that seems a bit insulting. I mean, I don't think we need to appeal to a divine being to love or forgive others. Also, I think that assuming that people in certain positions of power cannot be abusers will blind us to certain instances of abuse. Anyone can be an abuser, regardless of their religion or position in that religion.

[@puneetkaur9812]

For them .. if we ask for forgiveness for one thing... It means we did everything bad they ever blamed us for !! So better forgive yourself and keep ur conscience clear and dont say it to them.

[@godlychristian8257]

Cannot think of a single time the narcissists I know - ever ONCE apologized - none of them even bothered to make ANY effort whatsoever. Learning A LOT from your videos. Thank YOU v v much.

[@knarf_on_a_bike]

Short answer: "No!" Oh, they may ~say~ they forgive you, but they will bring up the incident whenever convenient - often exaggerating, embellishing and gaslighting the situation.

[@josephgreen3369]

Lived it. I felt guilty for so long

[@tegsar88]

Extremely exhausting.

[@josephgreen3369]

Mine,just hit me up saying how she has forgiven me,yet then turns around berates me and tells me I need to move on for she has

[@blankearth5840]

“You should be” is one of the most narcissistic responses to when someone says sorry.

[@evaberriman9929]

Hahaha! So TRUE!! I have experienced it ao many times… also, the fake ‘ I am forgivING you’ - aka it’s going to be a long, drawn out process to keep holding your offense over your head while pretending to do the right thing of ‘trying’ to forgive, so you can’t accuse them of holding a grudge…

[@akshayarumugam7542]

Also they say, "Alright, apologie's accepted." When there isn't any given, and whereas you are calling them out on their manipulation game and asking for an explanation. Ugh. Disgusted so much, now. Sad.

[@jacobcamerson430]

Or “you better be”

[@MichelleNovalee]

Or they say the apology wasn’t good enough or real and they want you to grovel and kiss their feet.

[@bakerinthehouse5346]

The self-righteousness is strong with them. Their supposed superiority is transparent and always always expected.

[@justChrisjones]

They can be crafty . All is going smoothly and when they see you are content or happy, they skillfully craft a corner to trap you in . Then proceed to provoke and taunt a response. It shames and humiliates you.

[@joseenoel8093]

You can never let your guard down, hence, relax in their company!

[@justChrisjones]

@@joseenoel8093 Yes I kept on hypervigilance mode to do everything correctly. Unfortunately I didnt see this for decades. It's only in retrospect now that I see the entire pattern. It's very difficult in the middle of the mess that I could see what was going on. I was just in survival mode. Until it entirely broke me .

[@susanstuber2367]

When they see you happy or looking forward to something, they will pick a fight ,or say something nasty just to ruin it for you. If they are miserable they want you to be too.

[@justChrisjones]

@@susanstuber2367 yes in fact did your look at you strangely when you were happy? Mine did. He couldn't understand delight.

[@briana14333]

So true! I could answer the phone and he could hear my smile and say sarcastically that he was glad I was having a good day and proceed to complain. So childish and disgusting! If I am your woman, wouldn't you want me to be happy!?

[@perrissmith8809]

An Apology to a narcissist, means GAME ON to them! And spot on to feeling the guilt of doing wrong and not being forgiven.

[@jackilynpyzocha662]

I will quote from "War Games: The "way to win is not to play."

[@libairebane]

After years of observing, how narcissist work, I did everything to cover up all my mistakes and never to apologise. I found, that apologising makes me seem weaker and vulnerable and give them a great opportunity to attack. It's like they say about dogs, that they will bite you, if you are afraid of them.

[@aannddrryyaa]

They not only do not forgive, but they get on the war path and try to destroy your rep. in the workplace; even if they were wrong. You are so right!

[@geraldbrantley5524]

FACTS happened to me today

[@julietcrowson3503]

Whistleblowers are targeted in the workplace

[@jodyclark7527]

True! If they could the narc would kill you! My narc Mom made sure to win by taking my family shared home away from me. Served me with sheriffs papers to evict me after putting over $100,000 into the house to improve it.

[@aannddrryyaa]

@@jodyclark7527 I'm so sorry... I hope you are in a good place now.

[@jodyclark7527]

@@aannddrryyaa Well she is dead now so things are better. She said she wanted me dead so she could throw dirt on my casket so I guess she didn't win that one. lol

[@edgarjones6878]

Holy Jesus! This video has helped me release a decade of anger, guilt, grief, confusion over an ex not giving me a second chance after I gave him so many. God bless you for sharing your insight!

[@funkyflights]

It’s impossible to have a healthy relationship with a narcissist …. It’s all about them, they’ll hurt you over and over and not give a @@$@…. But when they feel the pain of something it’s the end of the world, but then they’ll hurt you again and wonder why it’s a big deal, it’s too dam frustrating to deal with …

[@gigibtsurvivor3348]

My ex husband often said to me: “Actions speak louder than words.” My actions were in accordance with my words, authenticity, and good character. He was projecting.

[@tracik1277]

I got berated in the street one time for feeling faint. One of the things he said (angrily) was, ‘Hasn’t anyone else told you about your behaviour?’ Well, no, basically, because most people are concerned when the person they are out with feels unwell...

[@ItsBritt2967]

How did you end up leaving?

[@indracoba3462]

OMG they do project!

[@alexandrajohnson4551]

Yes!!!! Literally my ex said that. We had disagreements over current events I made a couple comments about the cops that upset him and his family, the dad was a cop. I was defensive, I didn’t have empathy at first. I acknowledge that now and through self reflection I realized I was wrong and apologized to him and his sister, I came up with a list of things I wanted to work on in myself and what I wanted us to work on in the relationship, and he said that sounds great on paper but I don’t believe you based on past behaviors. He said he would rather break up with me now, because he didn’t hate me he said, but he wouldn’t be able to move on without having it in the back of his mind that I’m going to mess up. He said he tends to hold grudges.. He discarded me, he showed me no grace... he said he was content with who he was and made the changes in himself that he needed to. He brought up so much from like months ago that happened. He said I was overreactive, too emotional, and 0-100, that everything he loved about me was also what he hated about me. But then the last things he said to me I was the most loving, caring, and compassionate woman he had been with, and the first woman to not exploit him.... im I like wtf dude..

[@alexandrajohnson4551]

I forgot to add he still wants me in his life, that’s why he’s not deleting me off his fb and he wants to be just friends, and wouldn’t mind grabbing coffee...

[@newman7910]

Yes, I apologized for not “watching” over my marriage, and she apologized for bringing another “man” into our marriage...and then 2 weeks later left me for him. It’s been almost 2 years now and although I’m still alone it’s a much better place than where I was.

[@MartinaRunstead]

Hang in there new man. Surround yourself with people that will support you to be a better person

[@briang2481]

Man I felt this comment i went threw the same thing last year & now going through it again I've learned my lesson though never again...hang in there bro you matter.....ima do the same

[@newman7910]

@@briang2481 You too! 👊🏻

[@D1C2]

@New Man Congrats! I don't know why people feel sorry for you and say you should "hang in there". You are free! You don't have to put up witha narc every day! I think partnership is soooooo overrated! It is so idealised by movies, like everything should be perfect ever after... And the truth is: it's not! Every day in ANY partnership means making compromises and if you have someone besides you who can also give something in return, then it's not so hard and you can work things out, but if your partner is a narc, then partnership is HELL! Run as far as you can! And those of you who were left by narcs: be grateful every day for your freedom! It's really much much better to be alone than in a relationship with a narc! Or else what would be the reason you would look at these videos anyway?

[@newman7910]

@@D1C2 Thank you! I do feel free & I’m definitely not feeling sorry for myself. I’m really looking forward to my future.

[@GOK_333]

Right on target, every day. You have just described my life I knew it wasnt right, but I was so busy taking care of my children, a house and everything else that I had no time for childish games. However, when we became an empty nest and there was nobody else to pick on, I became the only target and punching bag. I began to research the different behaviors, that he has had for a long time, again, I was just too focused on taking care of everybody else that his daily hurt was still taking place, but because I was so busy making sure everyone was ok,,,,, it got masked. Now, it is out in the open. Like I said, I began to listen to my inner guts telling me to wake up! This is no right. I saw one video describing this new term "narcicist" I cried. Because I prayed for answers for a long time, but I was blinded by the cares of the world. Today, I'm exhausted, but I'm learning. This dangerous people will make you believe you are going crazy and that you dont deserve to breathe. Keep learning, continue to get informed. It si hard to find a support system for this, but do NOT give up.

[@susanstuber2367]

Madeline, you described my situation also , after fourty years married to a narcissist I am finally realizing that I deserve some happiness in my life. Life is too short !

[@watchdemfools3420]

Over 20 years in the relationship and I can't recall receiving a single apology. It's like having a perfect credit score, deposit your entire paycheck into the same bank for years, and not being able to get a loan for 1 dollar. Or like having to pay interest for depositing money into the same bank...

[@mamatis]

I said things to the narcissist in my life that I am not proud of. After reflection, I wrote a letter of sincere apology. I never heard anything back, but that’s pretty much what I expected. What the apology did was make me feel better in my heart and soul, and reinforce the hope that in the future I will not react without really thinking.

[@msPranksterPixie]

I'm pouring tears watching this. I'd be scream-crying if it wasn't going to wake my mom/cats. Thank you Doctor Ramani. I feel seen.

[@6Exile6Child6]

You are not alone..Never forget this..Never

[@jenifad9959]

😭

[@francesca7662]

Your comment makes me feel seen ❤️

[@patitayope]

im crying in silence too

[@carolkotcheck6065]

@@francesca7662 Oh, you guys, thank you.

[@bloodeater]

when I realized she was never going to forgive me and constantly hold shit over my head to hurt me with while still pretending she loves me to keep me around, that's when I knew enough was enough

[@gingerreynolds2017]

Joseph, not to minimize anything any of us have been through... I read you comment and chuckled to myself. Thinking thus so describes my relationship with my mom. And then realized you were talking about a relationship with a significant other. I am some times amazed at how similar our experiences whether the narc was a parent, a sibling or a spouse.

[@frillygirl1679]

My ex used to try to force me to apologize to him... For things he did... It was weirdest thing... I never would... So glad to have him out of my life!

[@amymoore151]

Oh they do something immoral to you but it our fault we caused it .. right

[@teresacoleman4878]

This is my oldest daughter, you have described her perfectly. She has been behaving like this for 13 years. For the sake of my mental health, I ended our relationship, permanently. I asked myself "If she sought therapy and changed her ways, could I move forward?" My answer was no. A person can only take so much.

[@vikingprincess634]

I had one of those too. You’re right. The only way to deal with them is to cut them loose permanently.

[@janethecanadianme3564]

I'm so sorry about your daughter. My daughter too. My oldest daughter demanded 25, 000 dollars from me or she said she will put her younger siblings in jail for a crime they didn't commit. She also beat up her grandmother. Sleeps around. Uses drug's. As heartbreaking as it is we need to protect ourselves from this evil behavior. I'm done too. I can't be abused anymore. These people are so dangerous. My love and prayers to you. 🙏💜I know all to well what your going through. 😢💔

[@marykayjones7950]

This is just what I needed to hear today. Still recuperating from the hostility after I apologized for something that the narcissist imagined I did!! Very helpful comments.

[@jackpetersen7545]

Mary Kay Jones,You look gorgeous 🌷🌹,Hope you are not with a narcissist!

[@Recuerdos45391]

I like how you say “something that the narcissist imagined I do.” I can relate to that.

[@ANON_YMOUS1111]

Why appologize for something you didnt do. Hold your ground woman!

[@pchsndcrmfrvr]

“Imagined you did” so true. So sad, but true.

[@benjaminortiz4857]

It's gotten to the point where I no longer want to apologize for that kind of thing. It's so hard to move forward though because unless I have concrete evidence that they are the ones who should be apologizing then there is no talking whatsoever. I have to have a mapped out course of action thought out to the tee in order to diffuse the situation. Most of the time I don't have the energy to though so.... I'll be called a all sorts of names and put downs all because of my supposed transgression and until I admit to doing all of it, they won't want to "deal" with me and my "sh*$^" attitude and behavior.

[@nd2705]

When you said that the narcissist’s language is resentment, I said yes out loud. Exactly as you said, he stockpiles all of my transgressions to always be used against me.

[@starlingswallow]

I'd say I was sorry, genuinely. He'd keep grilling me. I'd keep apologizing, he'd keep berating me. He would say he didn't trust that I was sincere. This would go on for an hour or so until I'd breakdown with my mind twisted into a pretzel 😖💔😞

[@xxxmochibaby]

They always say the apology isn’t good enough even if it is over the slightest thing and even if it is genuinely sincere. Which is so ironic considering they NEVER apologize to you for anything they do no matter how bad it is and if they do it’s a flippant “sorry, now get over it” and you better accept it because it is the only thing you’re going to get. But when you apologize they want to make you grovel and humiliate you so they can feel powerful.

[@stacyharris6023]

I ended up breaking down and forgetting everything. I mean simple things like how to fix my hair, drive a car etc. I ended up in a psychiatric hospital which was much better than home. I recently read about a woman who was so traumatized by her husband that she had to go to a hospital because she forgot who she was.

[@stacyharris6023]

@@xxxmochibaby it almost seems better not to apologize.

[@xxxmochibaby]

@@stacyharris6023 but if you don't apologize the issue never gets resolved and they'll just give you the silent treatment until you can't take it any more :( you really can't win

[@mimi45945]

@@stacyharris6023 How are you doing now Stacy?

[@sophial.2438]

My super narc mother once said "My mistake was I never taught my kids how to apologize." This from the woman who never once apologized for anything herself and who has divided her entire family with her backstabbing, gossip, triangulating, gaslighting, and favoritism. Her family of 13 (kids, grandkids, and in-laws) is now down to 4!! Nine have walked away. And she said she should have taught others how to apologize. It would be comical if it weren't so intensely sad.

[@delacruzva]

My ex is a narcissist and out of the 15 years I was with her I can’t recall not one time she ever forgave me. Instead she always used my mistakes to her advantage. Making my life a living hell. I have PTSD and she would always poke at me to purposely trigger me so I can get mad and then once she got me mad she would tell people (“see it’s him not me”) one I left her my life got better but she has nothing but hate for me. I told that I for give her in person but she couldn’t do the same. She still blames me for everything til this day.

[@faith8252]

It is as they have a life long vendetta against you ...

[@libairebane]

My ex also made me act completely crazy and then pointed out how unstable I am. I feel tremendously better now, when I am not constantly triggered and am in complete control of my emotions.

[@johnpacheco1316]

I feel this 100%! I also have PTSD and manic depressant. I was always pushed and poked at and told I was crazy. So glad I set myself free before I took my life!

[@Variant1on1]

Yep, they antagonize you until you start yelling and then let people hear you, at least mine did.

[@rijay3338]

omg this so true

[@kamille8872]

Oh my god... this video perfectly describes my mother. When I was getting married I wanted her to be a part of the dress shopping hoping to share that quintessential mother-daughter moment of finding my dress together. For reasons I'm only now understanding, she purposefully took a shift at work to not be there at the dress appointment. She never apologised for doing that and the dress I found that day ended up being subject to her pretty nasty criticisms. I was always made to feel by her and her enablers that it was my fault, I should have waited, I should have rescheduled. Therefore, I ended up apologising to her but 3 years into my marriage let me tell you, it's still a wrong I committed to my "poor mother". I somehow robbed her of that moment and it's still my fault. Thank goodness for these videos because as unfortunate as that event was I can finally kiss the being emotional hostage and the guilt goodbye.

[@joseenoel8093]

Me too, she never attended me nor my sister's (2) weddings! Reading and educating myself opened my eyes to the fact that she couldn't bare to not be the one in the limelight, as Dr. R said yest, "If they threw you under the bus when you were a child, you'd better believe they'll do it to you when you're an adult! I ended up eloping, married at Banff on the Terrace, super cheap, amazing and utterly painless, roll with the punches, best revenge ever!

[@helenhighwater5313]

That whole thing was her design to keep her hooks in you...the only way a narc can "connect" to another human being. Yuck! It was also her way of putting eyes on herself and detracting from you being the center of attention at your own wedding, how dare you!

[@user-zy8gk2nn7d]

Remember you never do anything right for the narc :)))

[@gaylaaustin7468]

Not one time did the narcissist I used to know--don't know anymore because complete no contact--not once did I hear "Please" "thank you" "I'm sorry" or "I forgive you". Not once to me or any one. Or any kind of acknowledgement of any human gesture. Not once.

[@goodwillbunny5773]

no thank you in 35 years.

[@gaylaaustin7468]

Narcissist creed: “That didn’t happen. And if it did, I’m not sorry”.

[@Exiria]

Mine tells me flat out that Thank you means "Fuck you." Wtf

[@susiefoxy8130]

I said to my narc ' I would like an apology for threatening me' he shouted 'I'm not apologising for anything to you ever'... that was the end for me!

[@I-Am-Prospering-I-Am-Grateful]

Good for you Susie getting away from the toxic narcissist! Going cold turkey is the best way to deal with these demonic types.

[@minimenon8109]

Wish I had known this a couple of decades ago. Would've saved myself a lot of pain and ill-health.

[@mikeydrookie351]

it dont matter if you knew or not...if you have three kids with her and she knows you care about them she will use them like a .357 to get what she wants....until she is ready to move on

[@keariewashburn4680]

The Paranoia is really scary to me when it's always like that with them. Also, them talking to you like you are an adversary but they want you to help them with everything 🤔

[@sharenedrennan1602]

Yes, my ex always treated me like "the enemy", with all the contempt and derision that entailed. It was horrible. I understand exactly what you are saying.

[@deborraholiveri6202]

Once again we are only supply for their use down to the simplest of things. We aren't people with feelings. Only objects to use and abuse.

[@tiana.alonda2961]

I thought I was forgiven but everytime he had a chance to throw things in my face he would do so with a smile on his face

[@ysmithriley]

Probably a grin from ear-to-ear.

[@Ass_of_Amalek]

I almost made that mistake a few months ago after yelling at my narcissistic boss. when you apologize to a narcissist, they don't recognise you trying to be respectful or friendly, they don't become more open to you explaining your viewpoint, they just register that you're confirming that you victimised them. their ego gets boosted, you get devalued. and if you did the thing you're apologising for in the context of fighting about something bad they did, then the narcissist considers the apology to be confirmation of them being in the right about that as well.

[@Adriana-bq4cd]

This is so true: Only when we forgive Ourselves for many meaningless efforts to make it work with a Narc, we can be truly FREE

[@jamiefrazier9641]

Yes just forgive yourself it is not you who was mistreating them.

[@picturethis65]

Hysterical Narc One-Liners: "Oh, you think you're better than me?!" "You're the Narcissist!!" "If it wasn't for your mother I would have never said those things to you" "You're insane, go get help" The icing on the cake is when they laugh and mock you when you start crying due to the stress of the interaction.

[@missrelaxed3872]

I can totally relate to you

[@pamelacox5345]

I get the laughing and mocking anytime I bring up an issue, or anytime I say that I’m hurt about something. Now, my narc husband does the same thing to our 16 yr old daughter. It is beyond hurtful. And, forget crying! In the early days of my marriage, I would cry, and he would either sit there like “Spock”, emotionless, or he would stare at the television ignoring me, even while I begged him to turn the TV off and please listen. I haven’t tried talking to him about issues for 6 years now. I can’t put my heart our there anymore because you can’t trust a narcissist with your heart. Neither can your children. So sad....

[@libairebane]

@@pamelacox5345 my ex did the same thing. I was crying my eyes out etc he just sat there like he was so much better than me and I'm boring him. Or he picked a huge fight in the evening and made me really upset and then fell peacefully asleep, while I was lying sleepless and in pain.

[@libairebane]

Heard every one of these, word by word. Except the mother one😁

[@bitchenboutique6953]

I have the “you’re insane go get help” in a written letter from mine. So condescending. The fact that I was having an emotional episode as a result of MY MOTHER DYING made it a real “no shit Sherlock” situation. (I actually WAS already looking for a therapist.) So cute how in the same letter he told me that a real friend is supportive and listens and doesn’t try to help... um, you mean “doesn’t try to help” like telling me to get therapy? 🤣

[@jfdc8432]

I apologized once to my boss - they screamed at me "NO NO NO THERE ARE NO SORRIES!!!" in front of everyone. I was shocked and ashamed at the time (I didn't know who they were back then). Now I know better.

[@laurenw963]

No sorries? Okay, no worries!

[@richaagrawal99]

ohh.. Can understand how bad you would have felt that point of time. At least you know now it was not your mistake.

[@mjrotondi5086]

It's unanimous that a narcissist is totally hated by all. They hurt us.

[@mnikaluza4]

In most of my narc relationships apologies are met with a bland stare and “moving on” without really a acknowledging what I just said... like a blank wall.. it’s like they have clue what to do with that so it’s like you never said it st all and so there is no making up it resolution to interpersonal disagreements They don’t want to resolve conflict... they just want compliance and narc supply

[@smohammed2821]

So true

[@SzaSzischannel]

Oh my God how true this is....

[@mikaalokaa]

this is the main pattern for narcissistic companies you work for

[@mariadaquila7587]

My Mother would never admit fault when she was younger and now that she’s elderly it’s even worse. Never heard her utter the words, “I’m sorry.” My Father is the same way.

[@tessiammizo]

Oh my mother exact.

[@hanaanasir7791]

I feel your pain, mine is too. It’s hard to let go when the narcissist is your own parent.

[@rhondabaroli2683]

Maria D I am truly sorry thst happen to you it happen to a lot of humans I see and hear much and the universe put many on my path and many stories I have heard from many as empath s do . Let thst anger inside thst never healed ..don't let it make you bitter ..trust me it can that's part of the making of a covert narc and why they abuse ..hunny jus keep Love Light only and go back and appreciate some of the ones you might of skipped

[@mariadaquila7587]

Rhonda Baroli much thanks for the positive message. I’ve learn a lot and how to be kind and forgive and most importantly forgive myself. Sending love to you!

[@rhondabaroli2683]

We can't look back jus love .doc ramani has a video for adults thst were raised by narcistic parents ..it's really beautiful .if you look up help for co dependent children you will seek much needed joy and validation for many things .tube is a beautiful place and mentors are heaven sent .my mom was raised by an alcoholic parents and my mom could of been bitter but instead she helped everyone .loved my grandparents till the day they died .unfortunately life jus and people jus don't do what they should ..but hunny love is where it's at .try to do better fir your own kids and grandkids. And hunny thus social media is good and venting and sharing life stories ..but I am here to say true happiness is Now .I live for. Today and steer away from this media world .truly live ! Enjoy life while you are alive .live my precious one.

[@adamlewis5073]

Thank you Dr. Ramani. I am 41 years old and because of you I am finally realizing how I grew up with narcisistic parents and how it has effected me over the years. These videos really hit home. THANK YOU!!

[@pricklypear7497]

I have made it my mission not to apologize to the toxic narcissists I had in my life. Because they used it to dodge the responsibility for their gaslighting, baiting, manipulations and lies. Let them play the victim and wallow in it.

[@mydogchum5863]

And everything becomes ammo to use against you over and over again. It’s exhausting to be around these people.

[@franciscaqueiros9259]

my ex-bestfriend made me believe that I was guilty for something that he did. The things between us weren't already that good, but I just wanted to go back to the point that we were actually great friends. He stopped talking to me and he made my life a living hell. When I finally apologized, he said that he "had to think about it". But I know that he loved the sense of power that I gave to him. And guess what: I was so naive that I still really tried to make it work. Of course that he never forgave me, but actually I'm really thankful for that, because I grew up and I felt free from what was hurting me so bad

[@PreYeah]

Reading your comment reminded me of a similar situation I was in, except I was the one exhibiting narc-like tendencies (maybe due to having narcisstic/codependent parents). Me and my coworker-crush were getting along great and as he started to open up, my insecurities and emotional trauma from a previous experience with a narc-man kicked in, where I was burned pretty badly for opening up to him. So I started to avoid this coworker, much to my embarrassment - for 2 months! I felt like going avoidant was the only way I knew to protect myself and to protect him. I didn't have the emotional maturity or the emotional vocabulary to deal with what I was feeling. In these 2 months, I checked myself into therapy and sorted myself out some. When I finally did, I decided to talk to him, but it was in a group setting. Still he seemed receptive. Next day, I ran into him in the kitchen and he was so friendly! Like the 2-month gap in time had disappeared! He had a great big smile and lingered in the kitchen to make small talk about some random food that was sitting out, lol! Maybe like you, he too just wanted to go back to the point where we were getting along. It was very endearing, and I'm glad I didn't lose him altogether. His vulnerability in that moment inspired me to treat myself and him with respect going forward. It was unfortunate that I let my insecurities get to me as much as it did, and I wish I had handled the whole thing better. Breaking out of the conditioning that narcs inflict on us can be such an uphill battle. The worst is seeing how it unfolds and plays out in oneself. These videos really help me recognize the signs in myself instead of after-the-fact when I have already foolishly acted them out. I'm sorry that your friendship didn't work out although you are right! It does sound like you dodged a bullet. Narcs are very transactional in the relations - everything has to be earned, they keep score of everything, and are always comparing notes and sizing you up. They do not know the meaning of giving nor letting go. I hope you never run into that man again!

[@stacyharris6023]

That's gaslighting

[@zardozderpy8443]

I'm 50. My father recently told me about how he's *still* angry with me over something I did when I was 5. FIVE! "Yes, dad, I hatched a plan when I was in the womb, and it's been a half century of glorious victories over you ever since. Congratulations on finally figuring it out." It was the threshold moment. It was finally obvious in my head (35 years later than it should have been) that there's *nothing* here to work with. He stopped being my father and now he's just an entity that I have to manage.

[@michelegray5970]

Wow! He's definitely one of the narcissistic parents that are jealous of their child. That is something I will never understand! I pray you have found peace. Sending love your way!

[@donnakreye3716]

Very good expression of his ridiculousness! Your playful sarcasm is so needed here. Sending positive vibes.

[@rocknrollsevildoll]

My mum never forgave me for something I did when I was 3. I scribbled all over a photo of her parents. It was the wild scribbling only a 3 Yr old could do. When look at a 3 year old I can't help but feel sad that she thought I was capable of doing something maliciously to hurt her at such an innocent age. I had the photo repaired in my 20s and gave it to her as a gift. The first thing she said was "I never forgave you for that".

[@muiresuilgorm3452]

My violent, alcoholic abusive father is now in care home , received excellent care from Kind Irish nurses. He is safe, healthy and protected. 2 of my younger sisters are visits him ( infrequently) maintaining the Happy Family Facade. I just can't. I wish him no harm, but I am not going pretend it was all alright. It wasn't. Regards Marie

[@jacquelinekesterson7202]

Yep!

[@dianabailey9757]

Forgiveness is not what they do. Score keeping and necessary coercion in order to remanipulate are the true drivers of their behavior. Being responsible for my part in the relationship gave me the strength to make an exit!