What is Internalized Transphobia? How to Spot it & What to Do?

[@Kira-zm7vy]

One of my favorite forms of transphobia seems to be aimed at MTF individuals. In which being femme or trans is seen as a weakness. I'd say we're all pretty strong for not only having to deal with gender dysphoria but also having the mental fortitude to do something about it. As I say that I'm just beginning my first steps of my journey and hope I have the strength to break through my own internalized transphobia.

[@DRZPHD]

You are stronger than you think!

[@jandianderson6336]

I think this is a form of trans-misogyny. It can get even worse when race is thrown into the mix.

[@CotelioGrahamn]

I get this funny little thought when that "weakness" comes to mind; "A real man in my situation would own up to being trans and come out as femme despite the backlash."

[@FayeFaye-]

@@CotelioGrahamn lmao thats one way to put it xD

[@HAMILTONPROVIDEO]

I used to judge myself by thinking that I was pretending to be something that I wasn't. I don't do that anymore and now I'm at peace with myself, and everything feels right. I've learned that my feelings were right and my thoughts were imposed from others.

[@DRZPHD]

Thats great.

[@marti7343]

If we think of a phobia as a fear, we can relate our transphobia to our difficulty accepting that we are trans. If I think I am trans and that invokes transphobia toward myself, I will try very hard to deny that I am trans. If you are afraid of yourself, you certainly cannot accept yourself. The more you can overcome your transphobia, the better you will be at accepting yourself as trans.

[@DRZPHD]

Excellently put.

[@johnnie2638]

This is a lovely message & I took it to heart. I have both been the target of & guilty of internalized transphobia. While attending a support group in the 90s I found myself judging some of the other attendees for being not "passable". But I've also been called "not trans enough" because I decided to delay transition until my child was grown and was accused by one transwoman as "not wanting it (transition) bad enough". These words hurt. And I'm sorry if I myself have ever caused any trans individual pain. Especially today when trans-individuals are the subject of so much scorn & derision. I'm so weary of all the negative opinions. I would just like to tell the world, "Look, here's the fact...trans people exist. We're real. I haven't lived a lifetime of tears & prayer & depression & drug abuse even a suicide attempt because I wanted to force myself into someone's bathroom or force my pronouns on the rest of the world". I have no desire to compel speech. I'm no rebel. I don't want to march in any parade. I just want to live my life & be a good neighbor. I wish transgenderism were not so divisive a subject matter. It seems in some ways conditions for trans individuals are worse today than they were when I was struggling with this back in the 70s.

[@DRZPHD]

Thank you for sharing. We are all guilty of transphobia and it starts with being more aware.

[@AspenSenaSenaAspen]

God bless you

[@johnnie2638]

@@AspenSenaSenaAspen Thank you. You too.

[@janezablockijaneorginger6041]

🎉🎉 I LOVE THIS ❤️❤️ THANK YOU As someone who is non-binary, I'm willing to call myself out for my internalized fears of not being 'enough', or I don't present 'enough' for society's standards

[@DRZPHD]

Glad it was helpful.

[@jamie951]

Of all your videos, this for me is the most powerful! Every day I catch myself denying who I am or not wanting to be the person that I am. And many, many days I also catch myself comparing myself to others and rejecting both them and myself. All because of my own internal transphobia. Catching myself is the first step. The next step for me is to understand why I am feeling the way that I am. It usually comes down to not being accepted or recognized by others. It is the fear of being rejected by others that ignites my own internal transphobia. But all I want is to accept myself for who I am! It is better now, but it seems to always be there as well.

[@DRZPHD]

I hear you. It can be hard and it is a process of catching yourself and feeding your brain confidence and a sense of value. Its hard to do when a part of you doesn't believe that food is nurturing.

[@toddandrews9829]

I'll admit to doing this for years but the last 6 months or so I'm actually envious and admiring them simply because they have the perseverance to present as they see fit. I'm still trying to work up to it and build my confidence.

[@DRZPHD]

Thanks for sharing.

[@madamfreed3322]

This was a very needed video. Thank you for your insight Dr. Z. I am a trans man who currently very much cant pass and am misgendered most of the time, sometimes i do find that i project some of that onto others in the same situation. It doesnt help that info on trans people was misinformative growing up, and that i thought not being dysphoric over certain things meant one can never be transgender, and info nowadays just makes me feel less human and more a political talking point. The way i feel about my identity also manifests in issues with setting boundaries with others. I can usually work past my judgement of others because people are people, but it is hard to ignore others peoples perceptions and not make them my own. But it definitely is about working on one's own sense of self and facing those fears and demons head on. I know the farther i delve into my journey, the more kind i can be to myself and others.

[@DRZPHD]

Thanks for sharing. IT is tough and I am glad you are spotting it. Be kind to yourself.

[@xandra5744]

I absolutely agree with this message. It not only speaks to my own self critique as well as the projection I have towards other transfolks that I have "questioned" if they are "trans enough" simply on their appearances and or demeanor. Who am i to judge anyone, and as you said - what business is it of mine anyway.... The approach I try to remind myself to take is, first and foremost - benefit of the doubt and suspension of my own beliefs towards their experience. This gives room for better understanding and allows us be more empathetic. As much as I want to live stealth, I have to acknowledge that in doing so, I am also indivertibly dismissing/hiding my own experience - which in turn devalues the amount of work I put into myself. This then leads to a cycle of self doubt and spirals into other negative episodes of that little voice from my peers judging me (from imaginary conversations btw) that they are having with their friends about how "lost" I am and how their parents would not have any of this etc.. Awareness is HUGE and at least I have that as a starting point in navigating these shared spaces in a world that feels divided and full of conflict.

[@DRZPHD]

Thank you for sharing so honestly. We all have this shit in us and it starts with even acknowledging that we think this thoughts.

[@nathanbernards]

Its good to be reminded how important this is, goes beyond trans phobia too😊

[@Rainy-hl5uv]

Thank you, Dr. Z for shining a light on this issue. I am 65 and was brought up in a world of rigid conformity, so yeah, my transphobia runs deep, is multi layered, and can be very destructive… especially when I turn it onto myself. Think you nailed it - the first step is awareness. Catch it, see it for what it is, and know that you do not have to look at this picture in somebody else’s frame.

[@DRZPHD]

Thank you for sharing. Awareness is huge in changing how we think about things.

[@gediminasmurauskas7817]

Thank you, Natalia! Through the assistance of therapy years ago, l 'connected all the dots' in my past life and realized that I struggled with internal transphobia for much of my life. Overcoming my internal transphobia later in life was essentially my critical first step in both my ongoing self-acceptance and transition journeys.

[@DRZPHD]

Thank you for sharing.

[@apocalypse12345]

I thought i was gay man , and the depression i had , and anxiety i had was due to internalised homophobia, but i remember the guilt and shame i used to feel even when im accepting myself , i used to be religious in a wrong manner , but this did not cure my pain , until i realized that gay people don't struggle that much they live normale life , then i explained the anxiety and depression i felt since i was 5 .. and how it has to do with my gender not my sexuality.

[@and9091]

I remember when I was very yong, every time I act feminine or think feminine, some of my peers will laugh at me and adults will tell me not to do it like I did something bad. And after entering puberty, my body started to develop in a masculine direction, which made me feel hopeless about myself. I felt like just a weak minded, wired man. I began to feel disgusted and inferior to myself for displaying any behavior that did not conform to society's stereotyped male image. This period was the most terrible days of my life. I had no hope, barely talked to anyone, and prayed for the world to end, so that my suffering will end, and I can take those who instilled these ideas into me with me to hell, where I and them will hate and fight each other for eternity. I feel that this masculine is also part of my identity. As long as I still live in this country, as long as I still interact with society and other people, I must be able to protect myself. I think my view of myself is closer to a gender-neutral or somewhat masculine female image, able to protect myself, able to survive independently, because I have so few people to rely on, and able to protect those who are suffering like me.

[@adolphyoung1442]

Bravo Dr. Z, Bravo indeed ! 👏 Samantha

[@BlazenAva666]

I cant wait to watch this I know I have internalised transphobia im trans it makes me incomfortable but I dont know how the hell to untangle that web its like logically Im not but emotionally things Ive been told or seen things that are stuck in my subconscious directing my thoughts. Screw internalised transphobia omg I always notice it and it always makes me ashamed and not sure what to do but be quiet. Hope im young enough to change this still only 21. 12 minutes in im glad I at least recognise it seems im not as internally transphobic as I thought I was and know I know where more of my dumb ass assumptions come from lol I frame my life as a struggle because thats all I see in society noticing that was a weight off. This really helped! Seems like im less of a lost cause than I thought needed to hear this rhough thank you!

[@DRZPHD]

Hope video helps.

[@rafaelvandoorn4590]

Thank you and thank you for your openness this is so needed and powerful 💚🍀🐞

[@DRZPHD]

Glad it was helpful!

[@janezablockijaneorginger6041]

❤❤❤❤❤ asking a genuine inquiry: what's questions to gauge where people are in their journey? Socially, I feel like I can be open and accepting. For myself, not so much. I feel the weight of judgment everyday

[@Jimbo386000]

Dr Z, your videos are amazing. They've really helped me a lot and continue to help me. Thnak you.

[@DRZPHD]

You are so welcome!

[@jop5851]

guilty, i never really thought of it in that way but i guess we all can be very judgmental of others and ourselves on probably everything at one time or another. i worked up the nerve to buy a dress thinking that if i saw myself in the mirror i would realize how ridiculous i looked and i could finally put an end to that persistent voice that i just can't seem to get rid of and yes i saw an old guy in a dress, what i felt was a quiet peace and happiness like the weight of the world was lifted off my shoulders, hard to believe that a piece of cloth could do that. i wish it was a feeling i could hold onto but life doesn't always work out the way you wish it would

[@DRZPHD]

Thank you for sharing.

[@atomicbug2189]

My transphobia sparks when I look at other trans people, specifically FTM or FTN folks. It’s hard for me to see them as the gender they want to be seen as.

[@neowolf09]

i met a trans masc at the last place i worked, we worked well together even before i knew he was transitioning. when i learned that he was i was so excited to learn from that perspective because i was already thinking about hormones and stuff in secret for myself. he was a great worker, even watched him become a shift lead, i was so envious of his hat, but when he left working there he let me have it! wish i wouldve become better friends or had the bravery to ask him about his transition. just felt rude to even bring it up. so transphobia i dont have for sure. internalized maybe a little tiny bit but im pretty good about recognizing and stopping negative thoughts now luckily, weirdly enough due to all the bullying in my upbringing, not trying to be arrogant or anything. its just that at least in my case when everyone bullies and calls you gay as a kid and you question your sexuality, but then you explore your mind and learn your sexuality, when people try to bully you again instead of thinking maybe theyre right, you respond with no im X in my case bi, its that you know yourself better and you grow stronger in that. i imagine its the same for internalized transphobia for me, its not my place to change their opinion of me, i can correct them but its up to them to accept me for who i am or stick with their own opinion of me. such is the way of humanity.

[@DRZPHD]

Thanks for sharing and I wish you all the best.

[@LairAstro]

Hearing transphobes talk with such confidence when you're in the closet and they say that they are right even when they have no idea what they are saying or truly understanding the issue really messes with your perception and you start judging yourself. I had this issue with people I was friends with/Co-workers and sometimes I just want to tell them they don't know what they are talking about but they will just shut down anything you say because they "know they are right".

[@DRZPHD]

Sorry to hear that.

[@davefisher1840]

As usual that was excellent and I must admit I have experienced internalized transphobia at times. You made reference to Matt Walsh. I sent him the following be he has NOT responded: What would you do if your 5 year old son said I am a girl? What would you do if your 7 year old son still said I'm a girl? What would you do if your 9 year old son still said I'm a girl and the 2 therapists you took him to agreed that your son has a female brain and emotions? What would you do if your 15 year old son still said I'm a girl? What would you do if 1 year later your son tried to commit suicide? I am interested in your answer because thousands of parents have faced this same situation?

[@DRZPHD]

I dont work with kids and dont have kids of my own. If I had a child who asked me this things, knowing what I know of gender, I would allow safely to explore without any medical interventions.

[@AspenSenaSenaAspen]

It’s sad but the more Barbie doll you look the more your be excepted. Everyone has been put down for their transition. I try not to compare myself but it’s really tough especially instagram where everyone competes to be the most beautiful. I think the best thing is do our best but not to compare as much

[@DRZPHD]

Social media can be a curse. I often suggest minizming it to minimize social comparison.

[@christinatomac918]

Very insightful as usual, thank you Dr. Z!

[@DRZPHD]

Glad you enjoyed it

[@RedJadeArt]

12:58 I do hang in a group with a lot of other AMAB trans people- and you would be surprised at the animosity some of those people feel towards people who are AFAB non binary. This might be an assumption, but I think that animosity stems from the perception that since some of these people don’t do things like hormones or other medical transition, and therefore don’t have to run the gauntlet of self medication or Ireland’s completely fucked trans health system. It’s not something I agree with obviously because, while I do end up bonding with people over the shared experience of putting up with the pain of transition - I don’t base the entire trans identity on suffering. But for some people, they see being trans without the suffering as a kind of stolen valour.

[@DRZPHD]

Thanks for sharing.

[@Renacd122]

Another great one Dr Z , now can I be a little Transphobic, quietly towards young Trans folk that I can see are putting themselves in dangerous situations. Life threatening situations during uncertain times for themselves and the Transgender Community. And yes you are right Dr Z in the beginning of my own Transition there a couple of days when I didn’t really like myself

[@DRZPHD]

Rena I dont think thats being transphobic. Sounds like a genuine concern for their well being.

[@Renacd122]

@@DRZPHD Thank you sometimes it feels like am walking a very fine line, over the years we have lost so many, recent years I feel burnt out

[@cat_j5202]

This is an excellent insightful video and a very important topic, thank you for posting. I was wondering if you might expand on this topic for example does hypnosis(or self hypnosis) or visualisation techniques help with internalised talk ?

[@DRZPHD]

Hi. I would guess it would because what is suggestive to our subconscious manifests in consciousness.

[@dr.redphdleasurestudies.5399]

What if someone actually cracked the code? What if we are just hybrids and there is nothing "wrong" with us at all?

[@jwenting]

I do not internalise the negative reporting about transgender people, I DO however recognise it as a thing that makes it more dangerous for me to be what I am. And it caused me (and no doubt many others) to deny to ourselves that we are transgender, simply because we don't recognise ourselves in that negative image. I'm not a pedophile, I'm not a sexual predator, I'm not a drag queen, so I can't be transgender as that's what society tells me transgender people are. It took me YEARS to get past that idea. And that went on for years despite knowing actual transgender people and realising I was just like them, and they weren't like that at all.

[@DRZPHD]

Its amazing how many negative things about trans folks we take in.

[@jwenting]

@@DRZPHD it is. And it's even more amazing how many trans folks will automatically defend those do do perpetrate those crimes for no other reason than that they claim to be trans or to be "supporting trans rights". I for one don't want a pedophile to "support trans rights" as it gives the entirety of transgender people a worse name by association, but I seem to be one of the few (at least among those vocal about such things).

[@Kira-zm7vy]

That negative view society has is the reason I have held this in for most of my life. Where I live I feel like that's the view of most people. If you're trans you're a predator and you're going to try to indoctrinate the youth or some other nonsense. Breaking through that will be the hardest part.

[@Kira-zm7vy]

@@jwenting activists right now are doing nothing but hurting the community they claim to serve. With actions like you're talking about and pushing harder and harder at kids in schools. In my opinion this is intentionally done to cause more division amongst society. 🤷🏻‍♀️ or not, I might be crazy 😜

[@jwenting]

@@Kira-zm7vy I might be even more crazy ;) as I am starting to think it's in order to castrate or neuter a large part of society... Think of it, what does SRS/GRS do (and puberty blockers too btw)...

[@utena-enjoyer]

There's this trans guy in my university, he usually takes some classes with me, but not all of them. One of the older teachers would just misgender him without any care, she'd call him "her" even though he uses a masculine name already. I often think "Why doesn't he stand up for himself and corrects her? If I was in his place I don't think I would just accept that."

[@kevinsaxx6293]

Is it normal to feel jealous of the same gender? For instance, I'm a trans male, and I find myself insecure around cis guys because of the “one thing” I don't have. No matter how many surgeries, my body will never operate as a cis male’s. There lies the insecurity! I hate this feeling! I never was insecure before when I identified as the opposite gender. It’s like, how can I compete with what I don't have? It is constantly on my mind. Do you have any suggestions on how to deal with this feeling?

[@DRZPHD]

Yes it is common to feel jealousy of all sorts and I suggest finding a local therapist to help you work through them.

[@menace4607]

My internalised transphobia has gotten worse in the last 5 years. When I came out nobody was talking about trans issues. Now it's everywhere, I cant avoid transphohia at all. It's made me hate myself more and more to the point of suicidality

[@berrymilk123]

Boo hoo

[@josephbelisle5792]

I know I have internalized transphobia. Whats worse is that my being trans is intimately mixed with CPTSD. I know I hold too high a standard for when I look in a mirror. Recently I signed up for two trans forums to hopefully make friends on line with people going through what I am going through. But after the introduction posts I found that not only did I not feel trust for them, I saw them as fake (not so much as fake women, but fake in playing tea parties with trannness) and I wrote several posts that I deleted rather than post because my experience seems too intense, too real for these forums. Not that they are not real. They share real issues. But my issues arent just insecurity, fear, self transphobia, ... its immense rage. All my life people have destroyed me over and over again. I didnt ask to be trans. I didnt ask to be brutalized as a young child. I did t ask for a childhood of abuse and neglect. I didnt ask for the CPTSD that has made my life so hard. Yes, I am being transphobic to myself and others despite my empathic nature to show compassion for all things. But mixed up in that is rage. Rage against life, the universe and everything. Ive spent the last several years tearing myself apart to try to minimize my CPTSD. It is an extremely painful process. Now that I know I am trans I understand myself so much better. But nothing alleviates the rage. From days old I have been brutalized. Why? Why do I have to spend my life trying to make up for the crimes of those around me? For being born female with a male body? It angers me greatly that I now have to suffer so much to try to be the person I am when I should have been born the person I am. I should have been loved instead of raped, tortured and mutilated. When I was traumatized I should have been cared for not traumatized further to meet the sick needs of society. I am not just at odds with myself, insane convention, etc...I am at odds with existence. Those existential crisises I had as an infant never left. Being internally and externally transphobic are just a few pieces of the puzzle. Thanks Dr Z for another great video. Its nothing I didnt already know but it helps me clarify the issue. I wil get rid of these old 'tapes' as I did with other detrimental internalizations but the rage at the injustice is another story. I shouldnt have to suffer to be the person I am. I had nothing to do with being made this way.

[@darthlynx5792]

I felt really girly and trans for a while and then I didn't really feel like it and i also found the idea of being a woman disgusting (I'm amab) and then I felt realllly euphoric about being trans again and then it goes away. Could this be do to internalised transphobia, because Dr z said it can cause similar feelings? Will i stop swinging back and forth like this?

[@DRZPHD]

Hard to say and I suggest exploring with a local therapist

[@berrymilk123]

You need an Asylum bro

[@smokesparkles777]

I keep worrying the me transitioning is somehow against god in someway, and its difficult for me. Could you do a video on this kind of internalized transphobia: sporitual transphobia?

[@DRZPHD]

Hi, sorry to hear that and unfortunately religion is not my subject matter.

[@zayabarroso5297]

I had the same experience when I started transitioning. I transitioned 8 years ago and when I look back I understand that a lot of the internalised transphobia was coming from my family. They were non-practising but it was still passed down to me. I personally believe god is genderless. All the best!

[@smokesparkles777]

@@zayabarroso5297 Thank you!!! :)

[@ThatJay283]

ok i do have internalized transphobia but how i talk to and think about others and how i think and talk about myself are very different things. towards other trans people ik theyre valid af and strong and amazing but towards me im an invalid ugly human

[@DRZPHD]

Its important to be aware of it and work on it.

[@Cameron_cantuu]

Thank you this helps me

[@ThatJay283]

i do see alot of internalized transphobia, and also internalized misogyny, in transfem spaces online like discord

[@L1a7even]

i LOVE being femme!

[@andietravels4170]

What is the difference between internalized transphobia and still having dysphoria?

[@carinagomezfernandez7473]

I am an older transman and I don't suffer from intern transphobia. But I have another problem. I am scared to start testosterone and I am scared to become a patient for life. Any idea how to overcome these fears?

[@heatherwalsh9761]

Just don't do it. It is a fact that you are facing a life time of medicalisation and who wants that lack of freedom and life choices.

[@bunnybird9342]

@@heatherwalsh9761 but this person WANTS testosterone

[@sonyatheforestgaurdian3152]

Is it the lighting or is Dr. Z computer generated in this video?

[@DRZPHD]

Lol I tinkered with my HD camera so the contrast is sharper.

[@ItWasntAPhase]

I am happy for trans people to live their lives and hate seing them attacked. On the other hand I do not like how the trans community will attack people who say they "prefer" not to date trans people. Personal preference is personal preference. For me personally I would not date a trans woman because the pheremones are not right and I would like to have biological children with my partner. I would not date a cis woman who is unable to have children either. Does not mean I dislike trans people in any way.

[@DRZPHD]

No it just means you have dating preference for some folks and not other. The same way I live a man and not a person of another gender. The problem is that everyone throws word transphobia too loosely around.

[@ItWasntAPhase]

@@DRZPHD Yes Dr Z....exactly. And using the term too loosely is causing overall harm to the cause. A calm conversation about this needs to be had far and wide.

[@ItWasntAPhase]

I came across your video because I want to be respectful and welcome change to society so I try to educate myself. As an older millenial I will admit that I can be somewhat out of touch. Doing my best, but very difficult when you are attacked or labeled an enemy for saying something wrong while sincerely trying your best to underatand and be empathetic. Anyways thank you for your kind response and informative content.

[@nio804]

What makes it "transphobic" is making the preference about *being trans* rather than the actual real things you care about. It's harmful even if you do it inadvertently; by making it about being trans, you implicitly exclude non-binary or non-medically transitioned people you *would* be fine dating, because not all trans people are infertile or have the wrong "pheromones" (doesn't HRT change those, anyway? It sure does have an effect on your scent.)

[@martinaaileen1729]

Great video Dr. Z! You are so pretty I love your lips so sexy lol. Sorry is that transphobic because I’m jealous of your lips? I wish I had lips like yours but anyway. Keep up the great conversations they are so valuable to me and others like me girl and be safe love you💋.

[@DRZPHD]

Sounds like an admiration of another woman not transphobia. :)

[@Jacob115ify]

It will always look strange to the average Joe to see a masculine body in a feminine dress. It can't go away... unless there was no gender standard, which would destabilize society as we know it beyond what we are capable to handle. In a few decades we could transition to a society that is near entirely accepting, but please recognise that things that look out of the usual are noticed in society.

[@Maelstrome123]

How would it destabilize society? What country do you live in?

[@Jacob115ify]

@@Maelstrome123 America, but it's a world issue. We don't like to be one thing, we like simple boxes that make sense, and given that children are made the same way they have always been, sex will always define you to some degree, so long as you interact with other humans.

[@Maelstrome123]

@@Jacob115ify I was born intersex and infertile so I fall outside of that style framework.

[@Jacob115ify]

@@Maelstrome123 No, you don't really. Biology is still biology, but it doesn't have to define your actions.

[@Maelstrome123]

@@Jacob115ify biology also doesn't define our identity or how society may view or treat us. I live a normal life as a woman. Yet my cis sister has been harassed because people thought she was a man. There are plenty of passing trans people and non passing cis people. The anti trans hysteria has gotten so bad that cis women that are not stereotypically high femme presenting are now being harassed for not being woman enough. Society will be just fine without those outdated views of gender.

[@geraldwee9462]

Farst

[@amandabillings2517]

Stop with the childish bulshit.

[@amanitamuscaria3616]

Saxth

[@sheep1ewe]

F

[@josephbailey6387]

Weeee

[@jen8441]

4:01 absolutely! me too🙏🙏🙏, I asked yesterday about triggers and ya transphobia is part of that. This is a good reminder not to fall into those constructs or self imposed idealization that are counterproductive, and quite frankly, psychologically destructive if left unremediated. I don't know how many times I questioned myself if I had some sort of internal transphobia do to environmental exposure. Of course I did as it is almost impossible not to be. I believe the first part of healing myself from this was being aware of that it exist. The part of all this that's really the painful part is listening to somebody with transphobia saying terrible things about other people that they don't have any thing to do with and thinking to myself there is likely somone the know, someone that loves them listening to this individual saying those nasty things and the person listening is thinking all those bad things are me. All those sick perverted disgusting gross things they are saying are me , and then they start hating themselves for it.. why do I say that? , because I was that person listening and believing that crap. But it's all better now , just saying ,it was my pleasure to share and you are always welcome... thanks Dr Z

[@DRZPHD]

Ahhh so well said and so painful to when our perception of ourselves gets so negative because of what others have said.