What is "mind reading"? (Glossary of Narcissistic Relationships)

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DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.
THE VIDEO DOES NOT REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AND SHOULD NOT BE USED TO REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AS HAVING NARCISSISM. PERMISSION IS NOT GRANTED TO LINK TO OR REPOST THIS VIDEO, ESPECIALLY TO SUPPORT AN ALLEGATION THAT THE MAKERS OF THIS VIDEO BELIEVE, OR SUPPORT A CLAIM, THAT A SPECIFIC PERSON IS A NARCISSIST. THAT WOULD BE AN UNAUTHORIZED MISUSE OF THE VIDEO AND THE INFORMATION FEATURED IN IT.

[@desiree2773]

This behaviour took a toll on me physically to the point that I couldn’t eat without being sick. It also felt like my brain shut down to the point where I would vacuum without turning it on. I had memory loss and felt depressed. After I left 4 months ago I began to feel whole again, healthy again and smiling again.

[@lustyargonianmaid4071]

I am soooo happy to know you have left and feel your life returning to peace... Truly! God how awful that you had to resort to becoming so numb to cope... No one deserves that life!! I am thrilled that you are SAFE AND OUT of that toxicity. Bless you and I hope you and loved ones are safe right now during this pandemic. ❤️

[@jeaniemccormick9797]

Good for you!!🥰

[@Happily418]

Good for You! They are parasatic... literally suck the life of our basic needs

[@heathernewman5272]

Yes. Near the end, my hands would shake when I heard him arrive home. I was walking on eggshells, because I never knew what the problem was going to be, I just knew there would be one.

[@suzannebowers8634]

Heather Newman I know the feeling. My ex worked out of town half the week. I dreaded when he came home. Honestly, it wasn’t a mood thing so much as what would he want out of me. What was I supposed to do that time? He expected me to entertain him, or “service” him. I was either like his baby sitter or human sex toy, neither of which were any fun. So glad that s*** is over, but the hurt still lingers.

[@kerendawson7778]

When Dr Ramani said, "that's not a relationship, that's subjugation", I had to pause and just take it in. What a word.

[@maureenhosie3407]

I had to look it up, sub·ju·ga·tion /ˌsəbjəˈɡāSH(ə)n/ noun the action of bringing someone or something under domination or control. "the colonial subjugation of a country by means of brute military force" From Oxford

[@merlinsvdd]

Yes. And we are stupid to think, it is love

[@merlinsvdd]

@KZbin Police Understandable.

[@johntrinity6349]

@@maureenhosie3407 hey

[@johntrinity6349]

can i talk with you

[@jmorgan5870]

Just ended an almost 2 year relationship with one 🥳🙌🏾 & binge watching these videos is like therapy for me. Thank you❤

[@drweche3153]

Excellent therapy! I am truly grateful!!

[@sarahm2054]

Yes it is therapy. Much needed for me. Many Blessings to you. 💞💞💞💞

[@jacquelinemoore427]

Yes. I make sure I get my daily dose of videos in. Thank you so much.

[@shreyashichatterjee4707]

You saved yourself early..its almost 9 yrs in my case..i feel stupid

[@AnonymousUnicorn303]

I am in an almost 2 year one and thinking of it. These videos are an eye opener!

[@ancamarr681]

One thing added to the mind reading is their inconsistency, the game playing, the changing of rules as it suits them. It is just a very unhealthy and uneven relationship where the survivor/victim never wins...

[@nasplasha]

My mum does this to me 😳

[@ancamarr681]

So sorry @Nasplasha. Listen to Dr. Ramani on KZbin she will give you some tools to cope. Sending love

[@tasiawilliams3705]

And the double standards!!

[@ancamarr681]

Tasia Williams totally! Incredible way to make you feel less and to triangulate

[@shineonme8-778]

This is very true.

[@sa-ok2rf]

Doctor please keep this glossary series going it's extremely helpful

[@mymiche11e]

Agree, I look forward to it every morning!

[@MentalDeviant]

Unless she runs out of terms.

[@joseenoel8093]

We must never take her for granted! Granted is what she is, a granted wish!

@@MentalDeviant endless

[@sansocie]

Agreed. Great job Dr.! SUBED!

[@jolly7728]

All I know is that narcs are very proud of the way they are and will never change. Trying to make things work with them wastes your valuable time. Distance yourself from them incrementally until you are gone.

[@mountainmermaid8]

you nailed it

[@Kcali111]

💝

[@rayannfatimah4334]

No they will not change, narcissistic becomes part of there personality and being. For that what I notice with my narcissistic husband.

[@stevengriffin5349]

Thank you for sharing this perspective, very helpful for me in understanding my maritial condition

[@marymastandrea2640]

So hard to believe any of this. Reality. Just to come to the understanding your reality wasn't a reality 😳

[@megwelch1228]

YES! Dr. Ramani! PREACH! It’s like dating an 8 year old!🙄 or a treadmill!🤣 They’re exhausting and sooooo immature!

[@angelapastorius2377]

Treadmill.....great analogy!

[@gardenbee1238]

Words cannot describe how much I agree with your comment ❤

[@MoonBby11]

My ex would always say, “I shouldn’t have to tell you how you offended me, you should already know. It’s not my job to tell another adult what they do wrong.” Needless to say, I was always in a lose lose situation.

[@GalickGon]

My ex wouldn’t explain to me either, and would leave me guessing what did I do this time. If I literally said that then she’d be offended I thought of it like that, but when I’m not getting answers when I ask you then idk what else to do at that point

[@thisguy8224]

Oh my god. I was told this too almost word for word. Or told she shouldn’t have to teach me how to be a man.

[@freddieellis5144]

@@thisguy8224 That doesn't make them a narcissist. Many women don't want to teach a man how to be responsible lol

[@thisguy8224]

@@freddieellis5144 I’m definitely ok being responsible or apologizing. But I’ll admit sometimes I don’t know what I did wrong. It’s easier to explain it. I’m not a yeller, or physical or anything like that. I don’t mind talking things out.

[@freddieellis5144]

It would depend, if it is something really stupid you did or inconsiderate then someone shouldn't have to say and you could be the selfish narcissist. If you're having a conversation to move forward then you would explain things if needed

[@liesbethdevries4986]

The mind reading is the walking on egg shells, the feeling of anxiety when the narcissist enters the room and you don't know what to do because you don't understand the projection manipulation of the narcissist. It's the feeling of when will the narcissist drop the other shoe, gaslighting you into total confusion. The feeling of fear even asking the narcissist for a simple favour. It's horrible. So glad I'm free from the abuse for over 4 years now.

[@liesbethdevries4986]

@@kaydub4595 So happy for you ☺ Once you start learning about the covert narcissism and its patterns, you are able to give the guilt and shame right back to the narcissist. Cognitive therapy with a therapist who studied the cluster b got me back to my senses. My subconscious mind was warning me all the time, but I couldn't put my finger on it. When the mask dropped completely, I saw the evil right in front of me. I got so scared that I had to act. Complete survival mode with loads of PTSD. Horrible. Now I am free of symptoms and the peace in my body is restored. Took me 4 years. All worth it. Hugs to you, fellow survivor. You are loved.

[@kaydub4595]

Liesbeth de Vries wow that’s amazing. You give me hope!

[@liesbethdevries4986]

@@kaydub4595 You can do it! You are stronger than you think you are. Hugs to you. 🤗🤗🤗

[@nicolahacking2623]

"The feeling of fear even asking the narcissist for a simple favour". This is so insightful and applies to every narc in my lifetime.

[@jc.1191]

Aww. Cute kitty family.

[@johnmiller0000]

Dr Ramani: "Narcissists expect YOU to read THEIR minds". Me: "Oh, dear god" as a thousand examples flood back into my mind. Ugh. No sci-fi writer could create such a twisted, evil, mindfudging creature...

[@heathernewman5272]

Yes!

[@marymastandrea2640]

From sweet person to arrogant ego

[@rohand9061]

So true

[@PS-um3oh]

With you 100%

[@rohand9061]

Mine taught she was playing me but she soon learned you can't play a player lol

[@parnellejones8095]

I love this woman omg! I am free from my oppressor bc of her teachings that i truly believe are a God send to me. She gives the method to the madness andvthen also the cure! Thank you Jeaus for her knowledge!

[@terrikelly2762]

YES!!!

[@angelapastorius2377]

Amen!

[@eveanneeskie1346]

God gave me this too. Thank you Dr. Ramani.❤🙏

[@larrytruelove7112]

Me: “Why are you angry?” Narcissist: “Figure it out.” Narcissist: “You think XYZ.” Me: “No, I don’t.” Narcissist: “Then why do I feel like you do?” Me: “I don’t know.” Actual conversations.

[@justinalee7306]

Omg, same! My brain even refused to believe those were actual conversations at some point because they were that absurd.

[@willmack3308]

Mine go similarly, but with more rage. Me: what’s wrong? Narcissist: I can’t believe you did (fill in the blank). WHY?! Me: I didn’t mean to make you angry (reacting from the rise in tone, expression, etc) Narcissist: I absolutely HATE it when you do that! Me: do what? Narcissist: try to tell me what I am. I am NOT angry! This is why I can’t talk to you! This just pisses me off! How can you just try to put a label on me? Why can’t you just ask if I’m angry? Next time. Me: are you angry? Narcissist: OMG! Here you go again! Why do you ALWAYS THINK IM ANGRY? That just PISSES ME OFF! How can you just put a label on me? So yeah. Can’t win.

[@marieborchardt2910]

Me: How are you? Narcissist: How the hell do you think!? Me: What time do you want to leave? Narcissist: Just be ready. So many crazy making "answers"!

[@princessirulancorrino4695]

Similar conversations from hell with my narc ex boyfriend: (in the discard phase) Me: Why do you want to give up on us? What did I do to you? What is wrong? Whatever it is, we can solve it together and figth for us My ex boyfriend: I told you, you showed your true colors Me: What? what are you talking about? In what way I showed my “true colors” My ex boyfirend: You were perfect and now you are not perfect. Me: In what way I’m not perfect? My ex boyfriend: I already told you about that, and I’m not going to discuss anything again. There is no point in this conversation…

[@mohamedbasha5534]

Same, 😢she told me so

[@justlooking4771]

My ex husband always acted (and still acts) like he knows what I’m going to say and just shakes his, closed his eyes and very condescendingly “finishes” my sentences while waving me away with his hands, usually while saying “Yeah...yeah. Yeah. I know.” It’s the most frustrating and insulting feeling in the world. He’s hardly ever right, either!! He just puts my words in my mouth and doesn’t even give me a chance to say what I want to say!! 😓😓😓

[@koolbeans8292]

Just Looking Hope he stays your “X”...

So condescending...so sorry

[@crestonediamond]

I would mimic this, see how he likes it.

[@MsMichelle7710]

Oh my God! Same. He is NEVER right. Like, ever. It’s always condescending, sarcastic or disdainful depending on the occasion. He is so self-involved yet so lacking in self-awareness that there is no possibility that he knows the first thing about me, nor does he care to know me never mind be able to know what I’m thinking. He’ll attempt to finish my thought and then pretend like he got it right so I’ll stop talking. Nope. He gets away with nothing anymore. I am done. Last time he tried this my response was: “You’re wrong. That is not what I’m thinking. You will let me finish my sentences and then you may respond as long as you can be respectful and patient.” If he is rude, I ignore him and walk away. When he lost track of our 4 year old and lied about it, he took off for hours when I was holding him accountable for losing him and then lying to me. When he had finally come home, I waited. Then when I knew he was calm, I told him exactly what I thought of his behaviour. He then tells me that he took off because he felt bad and he was embarrassed and I should know that by now. Uhhhh, no. I make zero excuses for him and I tolerate no shit. I draw boundaries and I walk away. It’s all I can do until I can get away.

[@brighteyes4020]

@@MsMichelle7710 good luck to you! It's not easy dealing with people like him... stay sane and plan your future

[@meganb.higgins973]

My dad is a narcissist. My sister and I are in our late 20s, and when my dad is on his way home, we literally still jump up and start prepping everything the way my dad likes so he's in a good mood when he comes through the door.

[@MentalDeviant]

Why do you Still live at home?

[@meganb.higgins973]

@@MentalDeviant We both fell on hard times and moved back in to save money help my dad with our family home and property. He's almost 60 and has a bad heart so he does need us, but he's a real handful for sure.

[@nisreen]

This is coercive control

[@eurokay4755]

Is it weird that the topics that appear, at first glance, not to be relevant to my situation are the very ones that wind up feeling most like this professional has been in the room during my interactions with my narc mother and brother? I almost passed on this one and it's eerie how closely it explains so much to me!!

[@craig3714]

megan mine too he's so self centered and double standard. Unfortunately I picked up some of my father's toxic traits something I'm not proud of . At times I felt like my perpetrators that's the old me I was just wanting to feel loved and be heard . At times I feel codependent plus I get blamed for everything the perp starts they can't be reasoned with they are not available emotionally.

[@sunshine53486]

Oh my god, he thought of himself as a god-like figure who could read thoughts and tell the future. He was always 100% sure of what I was thinking and what others were thinking. So closed-minded and arrogant. Drove me crazy.

[@FruityHachi]

there’s a reason why cult leaders are narcs

[@bold_n_brash]

I remember once my mom was ignoring me seemingly out of nowhere for an entire half of a day. I kept begging her to tell me what was wrong and eventually she told me she was angry that I hadn’t helped prepare dinner the day before. She told me I should have noticed how bad of a day she was having and then help out. I was 9 or 10.

[@bereal6590]

Mine ignore me most of the time, was hard to pinpoint when it was deliberate! I remember an instance though at 9 yrs old and my mom had been seeing my teacher (yearly updates for all kids) I the hallway a boy started picking at me and we ended up in a fight. She came out after and hugged me, I shrugged her off as I was full of adrenaline and upset and said I've just had a fight! I was only 9! She took it personally, didn't ask or care i was because I'd 'slighted' her and silent treatment and stone walling ensued. I had to beg her and cry to go to my art class to see the art work I'd done for the year(again a yearly thing for schools). I ķnew in that moment that I dare never cross her no matter what or she wouldn't love me. 56 now they're in their 80's same pattern, I'm an ingrate and they're perfection personified!

[@TC-gx3qn]

@Isabella How awful! So sorry you were psychologically abused at such a young age. 😔

[@Affirmationchefkarrine]

I didn’t tell you from the day before because her brain slowed and the wrong hormones where activated she tried to fight it that’s why she delayed that emotion. Forgive yourself forgive her ask GOD to you in his arms. Amen

[@TheViewfromMars]

If I had a dime for every time I heard "You know I didn't mean it that way" from my ex narc I'd be fairly wealthy. :-/

[@LisaLee123]

Mar von Zellen GIRL SAME!!

[@marksmith3892]

Mar von Zellen Yeah, I’ve heard that too!

[@desiree2773]

Yes exactly ! I heard that countless times and every single time was told “you don’t understand me” “that’s not what I meant” I used to get stared at and told “I know what you’re thinking” uh buddy you have no idea I’m thinking you’re a boy in a man’s body

[@MsVshizzle]

Or “It wasn’t that bad...”

[@phoenixrising8007]

IKR, Did you ever figure out a good reply ?

[@lisav6583]

My ex would be livid because he would say "you have to go by what I mean, not what I say". Thank you for making this glossary- it is a tremendous help.

[@HulaHoopBunny]

Lisa V oh my god, Lisa! My ex said this all the time! His exact words too!

[@LiveFaustDieJung]

What the heck does that even mean? Is it just a confusion tactic? It shows how much their words mean when they say something like that.

[@joseenoel8093]

Well I'm very glad you'll never have to hear that ridiculous sentence again!

Ghad. Talk.about red flag

[@MsVshizzle]

Oh man. My ex said the same

[@jd-we3xu]

You are my daily dose of sanity, Dr. Ramani. I can't thank you enough for all the work and care you are putting into this.

[@yamlwoz]

This!!! I spent my entire childhood watching my mother's every micro expression, trying to predict what she wanted from my father or myself. Trying to ward off anything that would rock her boat. Around age 10, I started to realise how stupid she was to expect my dad to figure out why he was getting the silent treatment, when she never ever told him what she did want, or what he'd done wrong, or nothing else useful either! It took me **years** to stop being hypervigilant with everyone, and feeling that absolutely everything that went wrong around me was 100% my fault. It's no wonder I've suffered such debilitating panic/terror attacks all my adult life. And I've had to keep my silence all these years (I'm mid 60s) because she's so 'sweet' in public that nobody would ever believe me.

[@katarina9983]

@May Ebony So sorry for you. I have had the pleasure to do the same with my mother and watching her do the same with her mother. I'm so glad I finally broke free and found a partner that had to teach me how to be a well adjusted person. So happy you got out too. I feel like my life now is the reward for all my childhood suffering. Maybe it could be like that for you too.

[@katarina9983]

My mother is always so "sweet" to everyone else, bringing food to her neighbours and then complaining she hasn't eaten yet. Or complaining about gifts she's gotten because what is she supposed to do with them? It's worse when they give her something she likes because she feels so uncomfortable and indebted that she does so many weird "too much" stuff it's awkward (like being in contact with a "friend's" son who has no relationship with his mother because she wants to bring them together although they both have said they don't want to)

[@yamlwoz]

@@katarina9983 thank you so much! I am really glad that you have someone who truly loves and supports you. What a perfect gift to those like us who have suffered so much in silence. My husband is wonderful as well, except in that he always thought that my mother (and my awful narc cousin) were nice people who couldn't possibly be who I said they were. I went no contact with the cousin 3 years ago, and now her damaging ways are out of my life he can see how I've changed for the better. And he is finally seeing how much his behaviour with my mother has hurt me, and is trying really well not to be so loving towards her. Not leaping to fulfil her every wish. It was sickening and hurt me so much. Though he has always been very loving towards me in every other way. Basically I'm just waiting for mother to die and finally give me the gift of peace. She's mid 80s and not terribly well. But it seems the devil won't take her. In the meantime my husband and I are stuck caring for her, but we're keeping that as minimal as humanly possible. I love that you've found such love and support in your partner ❤ A brighter future is what we all deserve ❤

[@bereal6590]

I feel your pain im 56, same patterns. Funny how they put down for all our mistakes yet just change the narrative to fit when they do anything. My mom made me think she was a cross between moher theresa and Einstein. She is neither and it's ruined my life. I hear ýou 😊

[@jolly7728]

I understand. Experiencing what you did sounds like a quiet living hell, all the more so when narcs present a sweet public persona but are the most evil people on earth when they return home. It is extremely difficult for a child to process this, allowing the child to wilt in the quicksand of this heinous psychological never-ending nightmare that targets an innocent child first and foremost. I understand what it's like to be a husband to such a wife. And there is little that can be done about it until the damage is done. The current structure of marriage does not work for the majority of spouses and their children, and it needs to be reorganized to provide a better life experience for everyone involved. Regrettably, that is unlikely to occur anytime soon.

[@kimberlyfeliciano4375]

This aspect in a relationship creates such toxicity and tension. Its cruel. Another wake up call to stay away. You don't want to believe that someone who you thought cared about you is capable of inflicting so much pain. All so crazy making. I actually feel sick because I have experienced this and it is so painful. Thank you, Dr. Ramani for your work.

[@joseenoel8093]

They are the total opposite of what 'anybody' would want!

[@AJLORACLE]

I’m past the pain and manipulate them into thinking I’m a broken narc damaged emotionally unstable, with my boss when he has tried to make me question myself I knew what he was doing..... I wanted to physically hurt him as in my personal life if there is a narc after one look and get back in your narc box, they stay away though but smear me on Facebook. Not caring and actually finding it funny feels soooo good. I started crying to contain the empath rage and made some bullshit up because I’ve not got employment rights for another six months. He has a discard pattern with managers, he started it with me, but I have a disability I’m waiting for spinal surgery, I’m going to teach him a lesson he won’t forget, turn the tables! I enjoy it, it’s for all the people they have abused!

[@kelleymcclain7380]

I’m started to get mild shock like feelings right before I go to say something I know is going to be anything but simple. I’m a very outspoken person but I’m training myself like a rat to keep the peace. Tick tick - my advice? Journal it all and keep it hidden. Every lie, every backwards wth moment - everything so you can remember the bs after it’s done. As to not repeat.

[@teal1010]

Kelley McClain I wrote a list of "Pros and Cons" of the Narcissist/relationship! Whenever I miss him, reminisce or "ruminate" about what happened, I read that list! Reality Check! Narcissists want to "break" you! Nope! 💞

[@Ciscokd15]

Gaslighting and backpedaling 100% they’re a narcissist

[@jc.1191]

I think some sociopaths will do the same. Not completely sure.

[@kellyleighread807]

I know the ex expected me to know everything about his needs. Yet, I was nothing.

[@karn5019]

My experience includes the narcissist assuming that I know things that he had merely thought, but not expressed out loud. I don't think he was aware that he hadn't actually said them. Strikes me as a manifestation of boundaryless enmeshment where I wasn't really considered a seperate entity, plus a touch of magical thinking perhaps.

[@angelapastorius2377]

I have been trying to articulate that for so long, and here you did a great job, "a manifestation of boundaryless enmeshment" "not considered a separate entity"...WOW, there it is.

[@myownsister9033]

Deep inside narcs are insecure children; that sort of explains the magical thinking part for me

[@cherabyseliga9708]

My 32y marriage...you’re spot on. I’m married to a covert narcissist. He has done absolutely everything you have talked about. I could never be the wife he wanted.

[@aprilwilcox5065]

I feel like a "stand in wife". My husband is a narcissist and also widowed.... I feel like his deceased wife is/was the only wife, and I'm just here for a convenience because he doesn't want to be alone.... I'm the "stand in" and now I live with his never ending narcissistic abuse.... Maybe she dealt with it better than me... I will never know

[@lustyargonianmaid4071]

My ex gf would tell me (after devaluation phase, of course) literally ALL THE TIME "You just don't even know my love language, and you don't even try to understand ME." When I would earnestly ask her "ok baby, I'm so sorry for making you feel that way, could you please just tell me explicitly what it is that you want? And I will do my best to accommodate in any way, I love you so much, etc etc" she would just get real quiet and ignore the questions and just evade any problem solving. Can't believe I almost took my own life and even ended up in the ICU because of her. Only to find out she had been cheating on me when I came to and she even had the gall to say "I thought you knew we were broken up! I would NEVER cheat on anyone!!" While I was in the hospital in ICU. Glad I'm alive and well now. And I certainly respect myself too damn much now to ever let ANYONE man or woman ever treat me like that ever again. I'm the only "special queen" in my life now!!! 👸🏻👑

[@lustyargonianmaid4071]

@The Truth Will Set You Free TV That is so 100% true and I know it now thank God. Thank you for your input ❤️ I am happy that there is yet another person out there who has also gone through trauma and has now learned to love themselves and live and happy and healthy life. 😊

[@hei-c4620]

Omg your name

[@zainmehal9950]

I'm so sorry you went through that

[@kathyalex778]

Same thing happened to me. Hospitalizations and all

[@koushaadhami5828]

Thank you for sharing this with us and I'm so glad your so confident and well.

[@rosericci1363]

I remember growing up trying to do things to please my mother. Initially, she would seem to be happy with my efforts, but later would come back with "Yes, you did "A" and "B", but you didn't do "C". (like I was supposed to know....) Grew up into an overachieving people pleaser.....trying so hard to cover all my bases so I wouldn't be rejected. Hasn't served me well, needless to say, have spent a lot of time in counseling trying to clean up the damage.

[@thintwin48]

O..M..G...relating immensely to the "Did A, B..but didn't do C" scenario...My upbringing in a nutshell...and when I say nutshell...I MEAN 'nutshell'! lol

[@kaydub4595]

Meeee too! Growing up, my best was expected and never praised. And sometimes even that wasn’t good enough. If I fell short in anyway I was reprimanded. It’s made me an extremely restless adult. Last year I started therapy. I hope one day to be healthy enough to safely date again and be at peace with myself. Don’t give up! 💕

[@PreYeah]

@@kaydub4595 I could relate to your comment when you said "it's made me an extremely restless adult". It's what made me start therapy too. I think the whole reason we ended up being this way was a gross lack of empathy and compassion by our care-givers, so we now have to give ourselves that empathy and compassion, along with the tender loving care which we missed out on. It is quite healing.

[@kaydub4595]

PreYeah parents constantly moving the goal post will do that to you 😪

[@PreYeah]

​@@kaydub4595 Yes, and I am starting to realize that because they kept moving the goal post, our sense of reality and objectivity (along with our sense of self which rested on our reality) is unstable and not rooted or grounded in anything solid. We had no time to be rooted in any sense of reality of who we were. It is a curse to have lived that way. I'm glad that this information is finally getting the awareness and attention it deserves.

[@Ash-vu1et]

Oh my God, the bit about covert narcissists agreeing to things they don’t really want to do hit home so hard for me. My covert narc best friend did this to me for almost a decade straight and it led to absolutely the most miserable relationship. I constantly second guessed whether she REALLY wanted to be doing something and felt as though I was putting her through something genuinely terrible anytime I invited her to do something with me, because even though she wouldn’t outright say that she didn’t want to be there or be doing whatever we were doing, she communicated it with every other aspect of her behavior. She was sullen, passive aggressive, aloof, and I would spend entire get togethers with her trying to appease her and BEGGING her to tell me what she really wanted. I feel like she genuinely expected it to a degree and would only deign to tell me her real feelings about anything after I had begged and begged for sometimes almost an hour or more; because she liked how powerful it made her feel and how desperate I was to get an answer out of her. I’m filled with so much resentment towards her because of this sort of thing in particular, among others. I used to be the sort of person who agreed to do things I didn’t really want to do because I had a really hard time saying no and felt like I was personally slighting someone for refusing to do whatever they wanted; now I’m much better about refusing things when I don’t want to do them, because I know agreeing to everything isn’t actually the loving thing I thought it was. I never want anyone to feel the way I felt when my narc friend agreed to do everything I suggested. Granted, our reasons behind agreeing were totally different, but the impact is probably about the same.

[@avanellehansen4525]

Thank you for this. Im in a similar situation. I am trying to set clear boundaries. (I need SPACE!) But for the sake of her feelings and pity, I soft peddeled ut with hints. "Give me a chance to miss you, you don't have to come over every day, i was overwhelmed by the gifts you gave me.", etc

[@elana347]

“Would you really want to have a relationship that involves you channeling the narcs thought for THEM, and responding in a way that only works for THEM. That’s not a relationship, that’s SUBJUGATION”!!!!!🤭🤭🤭🤭 Thank God above for this woman and her knowledge and ability to SO clearly convey what has been SO confusing to me for SO long!!! Mind forever altered!!! Love you Dr. Ramani!!!❤️

[@thisisme9228]

I wish you could be my therapist. You're always so spot on. Thank you for taking the time to record and post all these resources. xo

[@aspehchannel]

I’ve lived with these sick folks my whole life - I get new healing insight from each of these explorations of terms

[@jc.1191]

Right on.

[@magdalenacalderon2197]

The ultimate phrase of my narcissistic ex, the one that would wrap-up discussions was "If you really loved me you would know what I am thinking". At that point I was fortunately getting professional help in order to get out of the relationship.

[@lindainphx6515]

I heard that one a lot!

[@blairepicadventures5144]

Same in my experience!

[@danielmar4532]

Dang this is happening to me right now

[@melanieallen1566]

Doctor Ramani, I cannot express my gratitude enough. You’ve given me relief after a lifetime of searching. Thank you so much

[@sparkygump]

That's how my ex narc behaved; she thought I should "just know" what she was thinking. In the end, I told her she needed to date a psychic.

[@thatahamoment497]

'You need to date a psychic' great response 😁

[@redtigerlily8165]

I used to say that I must have missed the day they taught ESP.

[@Gracenglory5]

Bwahahahaha that is a perfect response, “date a psychic”.

[@junesimone]

You be hitting it right on the nail. I would never think anyone would explain a narcissist as well as you can. I dont feel so crazy now. Wish there was a cure.

[@sarahm2054]

I agree. I Thought I was nuts too...but all along it was him. I wish you nothing but the best. 💞

[@manj8066]

@@sarahm2054 same here...couldnt put into words the experience..felt drained and confused.. appreciate the video(s)

[@brendasmeltzer5446]

I am six years out of my immediate relationship with my husband. I had absolutely no clue that narcissistic abuse was a thing until about a year later. I didn't know about the "mind reading" part until this video. How do you stop??? I find I try to read everyone's mind. I read their body language. Their tone of voice. How do you stop??? Thank you so much for what you do!!! 💜💜💜

[@1squeamishneophyte]

They expect your life to revolve around theirs, but just like everything else, nothing you ever do is good enough for them, so even if you do really put their needs before all other concerns, you're still viewed and treated as inadequate. I was expected to always be paying perfect and absolute attention to everything they were saying, and they would often test me to see if I had perfectly listened to every little phrase they uttered, this after literal hours of them talking about the same old tedious drama they had with other people in their life, that they thrived off of, and had no intention of ever resolving. If my attention wandered over one word there was hell to pay, if I "lied" and pretended I heard what they said there was even more hell to pay, even though the only reason I "lied" was to one, not hurt their feelings, and two, to escape their abuse. If I misheard or misinterpreted something they said, they would go on and on about how much of a weirdo I was, which was part and parcel with their gaslighting schemes involving pathologizing and devaluing my entire being, or at least my personality, ie, "you're so crazy", "I don't know how you can think that way, you're so weird", etc. And all this coming from someone who almost never listened to me except to make some hurtful and ad hominem remark about my ideas, values, and interests, and who regularly would just announce "I'm not listening" and "Shut up" and "I don't care" whenever I tried to engage them in a conversation on my own initiative, in other words when I wished to communicate in a way that wasn't totally under their control and about them. Damn, I'm glad that shit is over.

[@Kcali111]

💝

[@1squeamishneophyte]

@@Kcali111 You had a similar experience?

[@Kcali111]

@@1squeamishneophyte sometimes watching videos on topics like this helps me process all the dysfunction and adjust myself so i can cope better. Sometimes it just shows me how sketchy people n the world are and i just shut down.

[@1squeamishneophyte]

@@Kcali111 Yeah, one thing that happens with me, and it I think it goes back to my codependency issues involving boundaries, and what my therapist calls "merging", and what I also see as enmeshment, is that I'll start identifying with the abuser and see all of their traits as my own, I like somehow do their job of projecting for them, and I'll get into this nasty frame of mind where I'll see myself as the abuser, and as a malevolent person, and feel all this guilt and shame. Funny thing is when I snap out of it, and come back to reality, I can't even see how I could've ever thought that way about things, like I'll try to explain it to my therapist and I can't even make it make bad sense, if you know what I mean. Idk if you've ever had the same experience, I think it comes from my internalization of both the abuse and shame based mindset of my abusive parent as a child, but my long winded ass point is that one of the negative effects of watching too many videos like these is that I usually end up going into one of those states.

[@morningsong8077]

I got, “You’re the worst listener I have ever met!”

[@internetpaper1]

This is one of the highlights of my day honestly and one of the few things keeping me sane. 🙏🏾

[@thintwin48]

Emphatically shaking head up and down in utter agreement ...Life and above all Mind-Saving spotlight focus of my day.

[@sarahm2054]

I agree 💞💞💞

[@LisaLee123]

What my child’s narc farther would do to is wait until I finished explaining something and then when it’s his turn or when he interrupts, he says “so what you’re REALLY saying is...” I had to say multiple times to stop trying to twist my words and just take it how I’m saying it. It was so dang frustrating.

[@joseenoel8093]

Oh what a stupid comment... So what you're really saying is.... He's treating you like the one who can't communicate properly, already making a problem where there wasn't one!

[@helenhighwater5313]

Or, "in other words....."

[@teal1010]

Instead of saying: What I heard was....

[@MagentaRose]

@@teal1010 right

[@katerineella274]

I've just gotten out of a relationship with a narcissist and just hearing and reading this stuff is raising my anxiety level. I might need some time to pass before I am able to benefit from these videos.

[@shaniecegullison]

It's perfectly fine We are all at our own pace of healing💪❤️

[@katerineella274]

@@shaniecegullison 🙏

[@kathrynaelanna]

This encompasses what my childhood was like with my narcissistic parent, always trying to read her mind to avoid negativity.

[@phemyda94]

"HOW COULD YOU NOT KNOW?" Ah, the anthem of my childhood...

[@meadowsanddawn7464]

oh yes!

[@EphemeralProductions]

When my narc friend and her narc brother say that stuff to me, i always wanna say, “sorry not everyone knows it all like you do. I’m human and i m make mistakes and don’t know a few things. Sue me. “.

[@teal1010]

tall32guy Go "Deep"! Don't- Defend Explain Engage Personalize "Grey Rock'em"!

[@imwatching2960]

I can't remember how many times I was in a situation with my ex where I could only lose! If I look deeper, all goes back to my childhood trying to predict my father's mood.

[@afree6339]

Wow. Wow. Wow! These are just so eye opening. I have said to him so many times, “I’m not a mind reader!” 😩🤦‍♀️ 😞

[@leeboriack8054]

The mind reading game is to make you feel like a broken failure in communicating and engaged on the narc 24/7. Therefore you ask for the narcicist's permission for anything. You end up letting go of your emotional support of family and friends so the narc can feel unchallenged for your attention, time and re$ources.

[@jennyl7422]

Yes I ended up being so insecure I asked other people if I did something right (like when I needed to boil an egg lol).. my narc ex kept saying I was bad at communicating while I was a teacher/retail worker for years... before I met him I could care less about what other thought about me and now that we're finally broken up I keep asking people for reassurance, always wonder what they might think of me, always think about things I might say wrong or offend anyone etc.. they literally break your confidence..

[@clarej9393]

Dunno how I gave a boss so much power over me

[@GalickGon]

My ex narc literally asked me to not tell anyone anything about our problems or issues because she was hyper paranoid they would hate her. Isolating you from your own support group

[@clarej9393]

@@GalickGon Exactly. The isolation is real.

[@ErikisOfficial]

Thank God for Dr. Ramani. These tools are essential

[@bbrendss]

I actually got goosebumps, this is exactly what happened to me for so long. Thank you again, every video is teaching me about things I thought were my mistakes. Manipulative people can actually trick you in thinking it was your mistake for not already knowing something "you should already". Thank you Doctor Ramani.

[@tasiawilliams3705]

I'm with you! She helps so much

[@cloudfa1177]

Growing up when my dad would come home from work, he would want only certain lights to be on, the TV to be on a certain channel, and for it to be on a certain volume. Every single one of these things was completely unique depending on the day, and we were just expected to know that it should be channel 37, volume 12, and this light not that one. If something was wrong he would go into a rage, and either throw something or slam the door and refuse to eat dinner.

[@melissabrown711]

The glossary series is the best way to educate the “world “ about narcissist behavior. We all can now see the truth of our life encounters with others or even our own sometimes extreme behavior.

[@helenhingston2661]

My ex would say to me, "I like to keep you on your toes, I like to keep you guessing." To which I replied, "Well then, this relationship will never work." And of course it didn't. Another one was, "No one knows what I'm thinking." Implying it was my role in the relationship to figure this out with my amazing ESP powers. Another one, "You'll know what to do when I'm unhappy." and so on. He also told me, "I'm going to break you, that's what I do to women like you, I break them." This was a week after I moved in with him, about nine months into the relationship, I told him he was nothing but a bully. Six and a half years later, as I walked out for the last time, I reminded him of when he said this to me. His reply, "I never said that and if I did I didn't mean it." I can't tell you how many times I heard that phrase. I have come a long way in my healing and sometimes find it difficult to believe I was ever in a relationship like this. I am proud to have survived and other survivors should be too.

[@buffhotchkiss7400]

Helen when he told you im going break you like other woman. I would have had his bags packed. How did you stay years. This guy needs a wake up call.

[@shug_no_avery8172]

They love saying to you they will break u? Mine told me that in front of his grandma after I was explaining to her the situation thinking she would be the meditator only thing she said was y’all need time apart I’m like wait what? That’s it so I felt like she was tryna appease him which is cool that’s his family not mine I jus had more respect for her than that smh! He told me to my face in front of his grandma that he was gonna break me and his grandma sat there and did nothing prolly cus she’s aggravated with his ass too and don’t wanna deal with him either do it took me awhile not to take it personally

[@evabohusova6764]

@@buffhotchkiss7400 i think IT IS so hard..only imagine...IT IS just unbelieveble to hear.,...in your head..there are thoughts...your loved one Can not hurt you...but narc are not normal...they can..they do All the time...24/7...most od the time...isnot this illegal..

[@clarej9393]

A boss told me that too...that I wasn't completely broken. Made me feel and think that if I left the company I would never amount to something. Believed that for a while. Now I'm on my way out.

[@lightimagay00]

omg... for how long did the love bombing phase last?

[@tinylittlebutstillalion4101]

I wish i could have read the mind of my narc ex husband, then i would have gotten out 20 years earlyer. Love from Switzerland

[@leticiaoberley8886]

I totally get that. The Narc's experience is so abnormal compared to youra that there is no way you could possible grasp it. They for sure dont even get it so how could you. Love from Austria.

[@carolaldy5905]

If I could have read my husband's mind, I would have been gone 33 years ago!

[@morningsong8077]

If it were possible for me, I may have never married him. Looking back, I can see the abuse started while we were dating.

[@tinylittlebutstillalion4101]

@@morningsong8077 yes, je did. The only reason i would not change my marriege to him, is because i have 2 wonderfull children with him, and they would not have been in my life without him. And i got out, i am still living, loving being Happy and grown stronger than i have ever been. I have learned from my mistakes so it was not only a waste of time, eventhough it sometimes feels like it. Love from Switzerland

[@comfortouch]

@@morningsong8077 OMG! THIS^^^ I never would have married myX if I had been able to read his sociopathic mind. And Yes, the abuse started while dating him. I really wish the internet, and support like Dr. Ramani had been around back then, so I'd know what red flags to look for.

[@UniquilibriuM]

This video and the one I watched before about narcissists and money, are the diagnostic nails in the coffin for me. These 2 videos so clearly construct and represent a behavior profile that seems almost as if it biographical when I consider a specific person once close to me. I am in awe at the revelations. Some key points are about relationships being transactional, and expecting me to know what they want and then being enraged by my not knowing.

[@caroline4489]

Every video I watch of yours helps me make more and more connections to the insanity I’ve been dealing with! It also has been the first time I have felt vindicated, in a world that “my narcissist” has created around me to silence me for fear of exposing him any further in the abuse he has put me through! You have helped me identify things that he has deflected by making me feel like the crazy one for years!!! Thank you thank you! Don’t stop exposing the narcissist! Maybe one day society will be quick to point them out and completely stop this toxic personality disorder from ruining other people’s lives.

[@cymbolichuman433]

I'm thinking that some of us can read people's expressions on their faces and make a judgement such as boredom, anxiety, losing patience, anger, humored, affection, and approval. Many times it has helped me to quit while I was ahead. Not those guys...

[@Jane-gt6ef]

I learned this very soon in my childhood to figure out what my parents want, so I would not be punished. You read from their faces, try to see what's behind their unspoken words, gestures... And yet, sometimes it is not enough, because the narcs are unpredictable. It puts a lot of pressure on you. You should feel protected and loved, but instead of this, you spend your childhood avoiding crashes and seeking your parents' love.

[@karmagal8067]

Nathaniel Smythe same without my husband. He will never b free of them. They don’t care if how much he loses. The mind games are endless. And, as you said, you cannot, even out of true love and sympathy, get them to admit not all of their parents intentions and actions are kind and in there best interest. They CAN not criticize or hear criticism of the parental narcissists. Sad for all.

[@zestygurl]

That is emotional IQ. You described what they don't have. It's a damn shame for us all.

[@HaleyMary]

Exactly! Even if they don't communicate it, you can tell when a narcissist doesn't approve of you, it's just a look in their eyes. I even remember one time the narcissist I knew saying to me, are you okay?, when I clearly wasn't looking okay emotionally. I honestly think that it's not that they don't want to feel, it's that something in their brains doesn't allow them to feel and empathize.

[@bouyobouy485]

The body language affects me more than nasty words.

[@ddseir1443]

Of course that will show during the devalue/boredom phase. You know, the opposite of the lovevbombing/idealization times. It’s just that back then you didn’t seem to say or do anything wrong, ever, (cause, you know, you were “soulmates”, the conspiracy of a whole universe that brought together that perfect match) but now you don’t seem to be doing anything right.

[@ginalamicella2293]

So well put. This is exactly what happened to me in my 18 year marriage. Happily divorced for 1 year now. Thank you- Its comforting to know that someone understands... Gina

[@kathleenreardon8943]

Great JOB Dr. Ramani. And it is so true. They expect everyone to view them as so important that they don't have to engage in any normal communication, its too much work. I have had this happened to me 100's of times in my life with these people. And I've stood there bewildered saying, 'how would I know that?'. and they will, without fail, say 'you should have known based on...blah...blah ...blah'. This caused me a life time of anxiety. Therapists treated my anxiety. And I think that is just as crazy. It's like having a house on fire and the fire trucks arrive and start hosing down the house next door. It helps somewhat, but really the fire is next door and pouring water on mine won't help anyone.

[@christinanewcomb1718]

My narcissist would say I was thinking something and then would use that as a reason to attack me. A car would pass us on the road and he would say I was thinking how I wanted to be with that person.

[@cymbolichuman433]

And after awhile... You probably did...

[@GW-gz8jh]

Same here.

[@AnnaGirardini]

Yes, it's a thing they do. They read your mind "badly" - sometimes putting in your mouth something they would say or think, some other times willingly using this as a strategy to bait you into a fight - and at the same time they expect you to read their mind correctly.

[@karoshi2]

Seems so common among them. Once I was working from home and she insulted me of random stuff I would do. "While I'm sitting here?" - "You're planning to!" - "I'm actually trying to concentrate and hold the deadline." - even ended with her throwing stuff at me. Sooo weird. Happy that's over.

[@egrace3738]

Gawd! My ex would wake up and glare at me bc HE dreamed I was cheating on him (never did)...of course, HE WAS doing the cheating.

[@aliceroberts1980]

They want you to lie for them too ! Like if they say something mean to the children your supposed to tell the kids “ oh he didn’t mean that he just in a bad mood “. I never do that I told him I won’t lie for you! Your supposed to know I wanted that !! My mother does that too you should know what’s not what I meant ?? To excuse her nasty comments. I don’t lie for either one of them! They don’t apologize.

[@1squeamishneophyte]

It seems like he was trying to triangulate with you using the kids as well.

[@TheViewfromMars]

That's one of the main reasons I left my husband. I didn't want to have to constantly make up excuses for his behavior so our future children wouldn't get as confused and wounded as I was.

[@aliceroberts1980]

Mar von Zellen yes that’s why I leave my husband too that and you can communicate with theses people everything’s a game they have to win. I’m tired . I want to live the rest of my life in peace. I sick of the constant amount of attention he constantly needs . I basically don’t want to talk to him or have anything to do with him. I want to heal and move on. I still just following my plan. The Coronvrius isn’t making it easier. Just an other thing to make my life harder. I live in the upstairs part of our house so does my daughter.

[@MsVshizzle]

Alice Roberts yes!!! The constant need for validation... it’s exhausting. I wondered why I always felt I needed space from my ex. I needed lots of naps. He drained my energy with his constant needs. I thought it was me sadly:(

[@33vortex]

This is so spot on with what I experienced through a 15 years long relationship, well... actually all of your videos I've seen so far are. The knowledge about pathological narcissism needs to spread, thank you so much for making a difference and contributing to the enlightenment Dr Ramani!

[@d.l831]

Also, that dinner story...it’s like you literally followed me and my ex for a family dinner night lol

[@pooppee1897]

This is phenomenal. I feel as if it's not as talked about as much but it really is one of the main reasons as to why I was confused so much during my time with the narcissist.

[@EagleZtoTheGrave]

God help kids in this situation... Messed up thing is they can tell you EVERYTHING you're thinking and assume the worst, but tell them what they're doing...? They raise hell about you trying to read their mind... But I thought you wanted everyone to read your mind? Unstable and irrational.

[@joseenoel8093]

Omg, they expect the very worst, hallucinate/put it forth and it's a done, happened thing while your mouth is still ajar!

[@rohand9061]

I hope so God help the children in these dynamics, my son in law is a narcissist so is my daughter his wife has develops those traits I have a feelings she is becoming dysfunctional

[@momof489]

Oooh, thank you for confirming what I inferred about the dangers of going to traditional couples’ therapy with a narcissist! Before I even understood he was a narcissist, I saw a glaring red flag when he suggested we attend couples’ counseling, essentially to convince me that I was to blame for everything! He would’ve completely used the therapist for triangulation. And well-meaning (but ignorant) people will sometimes say “just try affirming him more, and that will help him feel better so that he acts better toward you.” Yeah, right.

[@sharon4639]

🙏🏽 God bless you Dr. Ramani🙏🏽 You’re a shining beacon of light in this fucked up world. 🙏🏽God bless you, fellow humans, if you’re dealing with narc family members🙏🏽 May you come out of the FOG (Fear, Obligation & Guilt) and remain strong enough to do what is needed for your own happiness.

[@linsildiedar]

The male narcs I know... really expect their victims to read their m8nd. The female ones loves to act like they can read your mind. They do tend to have a hypersensitivity.... nosey mainly. They listen and watch you intensively. And they have very very good memory to remember everything you say and do.

[@desiree2773]

Jay Smyth - yes and they never remember what they say... you made it up

[@linsildiedar]

@@desiree2773 lol. Of course. They are ALWAYS right.

[@greeneyedparadox6609]

That is exactly the female dynamic. Here is another part of that. The "empath" also blames you for their low or no energy state. As soon as tone fluctuates. Stonewalls and shutdowns.

[@HulaHoopBunny]

Oh my goodness! This is exactly what I went through almost every single moment of my former relationship. Thank you so much for your videos. When I start to think about missing my ex, I simply listen to your podcasts and realize again that I never want this subjugation again.

[@lastnamefirst9423]

I'm sorry you had that experience but an happy you are now experiencing relief. How are you handling the healing process? What are you doing to cope?

[@Cassandra777]

💞

[@lastnamefirst9423]

@@user-ir5ul1ph1c it's huge to acknowledge this dysfunctional or not you were in a real relationship so breakup feelings apply...here's an article that helped in getting over a breakup: ://www.jw.org/finder?wtlocale=E&docid=102015248&srcid=share Hope you're able to find comfort in this article.

[@HulaHoopBunny]

@@lastnamefirst9423 Thanks for reaching out - because my relationship lasted over a yr and a half. For a long time, I was super embarrassed because I am actually a psychologist (but I study social and health behaviors, measurement of these behaviors). I met my covert N when I was on a work business trip in DC. He was brilliant and super attractive - a patent attorney in genetics. I had been looking for someone that seemed to "get me" and he was everything I wanted. We dated long distance, and got together so quickly! Our connection was electric for me, and I had given myself permission to just give in and see where it took me. That eventually hurt me, because he used the fact that we got together so quickly as a justification that I was not trustworthy. I also didn't see the day to day, and didn't realize that even his eldest daughter refused to talk to him. It took about 3 months for me to realize how insane the pattern was - how insecure he was, how controlling he was. It just didn't make sense to me! How can someone so accomplished and good looking, and generally put together be so insecure, and so damned angry about everything? As our Ramani says, he had a perfect excuse for a very long time to reel me back in when I would break things off. He acted like I was so "entrancing" and "social" that he was so worried about me and it was normal because we were in a long distance relationship (and because our physical relationship started so quickly). He went insane over FB photos from years ago where I had a mini skirt on, or I was standing next to a man I knew. And he told me he had every right to "call me out" for that behavior, regardless if it was now, or years ago - because he is a father and he has to watch out for what she sees. I erased pictures, I walked on egg shells. I broke up with him. He would reach out - crying saying that he loved me so much and he knew he was too hard on me. I spent HOURS trying to talk him through - modeling appropriate communication. Using every therapeutic technique in the book. He took that as a sign of how much I was committed to him, and would feel bolstered by the control (or when I gave up - he would cry about how "hard you fought for US"). But, always, the same pattern continued. He would bait me, gaslight me, go off on angry tirades about nothing that had to do with us (how women are taking advantage of men, how feminists are ruining the world, how obese people should be called out and be held accountable for their own disease - and we should be able to just tell them that they are fat), but if I didn't agree totally - he would attack me and tell ME I wasn't being supportive of him - and more than anything he would do this "you should know what I meant, not what I said!!!" thing. I got out - because I started talking to myself and telling myself the stories, and I realized that if a friend of mine did what he did to me - I would dump that friend in a second. AND if a friend told me that she was allowing some man to do that to her - I would force her to see how she was worth more. That's when I discovered her videos. One night when it dawned on me - damn, you have a covert narcissist!! ! How can you - a psychologist, not know this?! So I searched the net, and found Ramani - and would play her videos before bed, and they would help me sleep. Now, he did cycle back into my life a couple times - and its almost like I was waiting for his bad behavior. For a gas lighting episode, for him to bait me, like the time that he got livid because I made plans to go to yoga and have a margarita with a girlfriend and was home by 9:30 pm on a friday calling him - instead of staying home. I realized that he couldn't go more than a few days without starting a fight because he NEEDED the conflict to feel whole somehow. And finally, I realized that I was worth more. That I had already wasted a yr and a half on a 55 yr old man that would never change, and would continue to make me miserable - start fights for nothing. He had no friends, his family barely spoke to him, work "colleagues" put up with him because he was a partner (yet he said they "loved" him and that he was responsible for many of the women partners success). I even realized that even if I did all he wanted - changed who I was to be more "humble" (which equates to talking less about science in his presence, being "less social" and wearing baggy sweatshirts everywhere), learned to read his mind (like she said - you would eventually stop asking to do things, stop doing things because you were afraid of a fight) - he WOULD STILL FIND FAULT IN ME, OR GET BORED AND DISCARD ME. The reason we lasted so long was that I stood up to him. So we would break up for a few weeks - and he would want us to talk -and somehow it was my fault - but he would take some small amount of blame "he could have said things better", but "I should have known what he meant" or "he was under so much pressure at work, and it was collateral stress that a good partner should deal with", and then he would want to "start fresh". I eventually realized that I deserved more - a relationship that doesn't have one person trying to start fights when there are none there, a partner that says what he means, and makes the effort to communicate. A partner that isn't threatened when you show your intelligence, or your style, or even your enthusiasm for life by joining in with others. YOU deserve more too. Just count up all the time you have wasted on your partner. Months, years. The days where you were anxious and upset because you knew the tirade or the discard was coming. And put yourself in social situations where you don't have to worry about that - seek out people that are warm, and continue to listen to her podcasts when you doubt yourself. One day turns into three, into a month - and eventually, you will move on. I promise. xo

[@lastnamefirst9423]

@@HulaHoopBunny Wow thank you for sharing it's sad to hear how familiar these stories are. I guess The silver lining is that when there are patterns of behavior they can be identified and others can learn warning signs.. I really think people in certian fields can find themselves in a very lonely place because of not wanting to come off as incompetent. A teachers child not being good at academics, a doctor's child being unwell, a personal trainers family being overweight. I empathize with your thoughts of embarrassment. People can be very quick to say how did you find yourself in this situation? Or didn't you see?... Or you didn't know that was a red flag?.. why didnt you leave then after...etc etc. As if hindsight is not 20/20 and if you are not familiar with the nature of this psychological play you won't understand. Obviously for whatever reason those things were not acted on and were here now. The ugly truth is EVERYONE has been naiive, crazy, stupid, or for whatever reason not made the best choice in some area of their life. Many don't admit it. Oftentimes looking down on others makes them feel better about their life choices. Remembering this helps those judgements not sting so much for me. I build my self esteem and self worth by reading positive material, journaling and meditation..helps a lot!

[@blackrain88]

In one word "subjugation" sums up my entire childhood. A childhood of unwavering obedience (or else ... ), eggshell walking, and mind reading just so I could hope for a sliver of stability and peace but instead received debilitating anxiety attacks for most of my life.

[@sourgummiez]

Lmao they also always think they’re empaths and all new age “sensitives” and shit hahaha

[@alibertylover]

I am an intuitive empath & typically read people very well without ulterior motives involved. A typical narcissistic approach is usually based upon projection. If you truly understand the narcissistic condition, you can read their mind very well

[@karoshi2]

Right. Once I got what was happening she got so incredibly predictable. Even weirder when they want to be so unique and special. Only the mood is somewhat random. Well ... lately the dice always landed showing "rage"... 🙄

[@normadeluna3349]

Sonny Dey Do you have any hints. I am very emphatic. And usually he does not say anything about my emotions. But 2 days ago. I was depress I didn't tell him. But then he look at me with a smark in his face and ask me ? Are you depress? I was in surprise . How did he knew?

[@karoshi2]

@@normadeluna3349 Mine, too, is at times extremely good with empathy (sensing others' feelings) - often this image is quite disturbed by her own feelings or expectations which she can't differentiate from. In retrospective that was a difference to sympathy (feeling with others or respecting how they feel) which she basically lacked. From what I learned they tend to read people's minds quite good which allows them to find triggers and use them. Thus it seems not too surprising that he knew you're depressed. The difference is how they react to that.

[@marymastandrea2640]

They are very smart they just don't own anything I guess they just don't care

[@helenhighwater5313]

A narcissist's mind is a pretty short read! 😁

[@preparetohearmyname2349]

words can never explain how much i appreciate this channel and all the helpful information it provides us with

[@justlooking4771]

Prepare to hear my name Same here!!

[@thintwin48]

DITTO...100% It (this channel) is literally bringing me 'back to life'...with renewed hope involved. Deepest gratitude.

[@illil1844]

Whenever I think of reaching out to him I listen to one of your video. thanks for these

[@jazmineethereal]

Good Job! Continue to be strong and understand you deserve and will receive so much better!

[@bouyobouy485]

I say this several times a week! I haven't been blessed with the ability to read minds!

[@josiek5989]

Wow, this is exactly how my Narc mother behaves. Everything encounter is fraught with land mines.

[@FrancesShear]

Like not being allowed to be honest? YEa.

[@heathernewman5272]

Yes! Landmines is a good analagy! You never know what little thing will set them off.

[@nasplasha]

Frances Bernard god forbid honestly. Everything is the worst thing in the universe & calls for extreme avoidance & gasslighting 😂

[@natureartist6598]

Did that to keep peace in my marriage and would get stuck with all the extra work.

[@user-2911]

Same and people wondered why I’m so thin

[@Myaaaaa90]

Wow yes I’ve dealt with that. He would give me silent treatment or go on a rage when I couldn’t read his mind.

[@nevertoolatetolearnmusic]

For someone who was out of narcistic relationship 4 years ago and still struggling with co parenting, I literally LAUGHED so hard with this video. Nailed it!!! LOL

[@gardenbee1238]

Me too! What people with these character traits say and do is so bizarre it can be hilarious to talk about.

[@leahc8347]

Yup, feels like one big misunderstanding... Its all so familiar ... like using words for double meaning ... like you get shocked at the reply and then if you ask for clarification what you get a ' what I meant was' and I misunderstood. Shoots the comment for example that I feel 'sorry for yourself' thats why you cant overcome past trauma... when I was shocked at the statement and tried to explain, what I got a "what I meant was" answer, and I didnt listen/misunderstood. Also if I asked if he felt a 'connection' to me or if this was just a game... he said "he had no connection to me" ... but when reiterated for clarification, 'what he ment was....' - that ended up with, in short, with a shocking disguard...

[@tiptapkey]

A narcissist I dated expected me to know/remember every single thing she'd ever done/said and adjust myself around even her tiniest desire accordingly (which she called emotional needs--she used therapy terms to make herself seem superior and more enlightened). When I failed to do that, despite obviously trying my best, she'd act like I didn't understand her and cry or give me the silent treatment, so I ended up feeling like a failure at the relationship. Eventually it got so ridiculous and petty that I caught on and realized no one could act so perfectly but rather she was expecting mind reading and looking for reasons to put me down so she could have power and feel superior.

[@EagleZtoTheGrave]

She wanted you to be a perfectly tuned, well oiled machine that caters to every whim. Spoiled, egocentric brats that need help.

[@juditfelvinc1114]

That is not mind reading, that is hunger and need for love and attention.

[@trinidad111]

Same dude same!

[@tomaskrejzl2160]

Same here

[@tomaskrejzl2160]

How did you escape ? I really dont know how to do that, because I being currently brainwashed into believing, that it is my fault

[@Marvin_Alain]

My narc father left our family for another woman 3 years ago. Thay stayed together for 2 years and then he came back to us after they broke up! And the worse thing is that, my mother, who I think is a codependent and has narcissistic tendencies too allowed him to move in with us again! Of course we, his children hated him for fooling around, but the thing is, he never really had meaningful relationships with us when we were kids. He didn’t know about our dreams. He never cuddled us or asked if we already had our meals. He never asked about school, or why we were sad. Now that he’s been with us again for a year, it’s like we are just co-existing in our home. He tried a few times to start a conversation but I already know his black magic. There are times when I feel guilty for ignoring him but I keep reminding myself that it’s for the better. We, his children are still providing his basic needs, but I don’t think our relationship should go beyond being just housemates.

[@JaIch9999]

Why didn't you break with your mother for letting him move in? Where is your part in the sad story?

[@Marvin_Alain]

Ja Ich They are too old to be left on their own. My mother has narc tendencies but tolerable as long as you don’t engage in an argument with her. Of course we advised her not to take my father back again, but she still did; and we couldn’t do anything about it because it is their relationship, not ours. We can only decide not to have a deep relationship with him anymore.

[@MeMe-od2mg]

Everything so true! I love watching those videos so I can learn more about myself and how the narcs did to play me. Now I know it's all on them, not on me. They're the problem, not me. Oh, and that assistant might have earned loads of money, but in exchange of their freedom which is priceless.

[@matinacats5817]

thank you SO much. Everytime I might fall into a relapse I just watch one of these videos. So many stuff and emotions and shady situations are clarified...

[@jaykay3839]

Eww! My stepdad used to say that all the time when I was a kid, "I can read you like a book." "I know you better than you know yourself." So gross. But yes, he used to do that to my mom all the time. I specifically remember a few times when she didn't remember exactly what kind of pizza he'd ordered and liked months before. He actual got mad at her because *he* couldn't remember what kind of pizza it was and she sure didn't. What an idiot he was! My MIL was like you described later on in the video. She would agree to do things that didn't revolve around her and hated it. She'd agree or even volunteer to do something because she knew that would be the decent thing that normal human beings do and it would probably make people not in the know think that she was a wonderful person for doing the thing she volunteered for. She would over act in front of non family members or on social media to get the accolades for being so loving and caring and then behind the scenes she would turn around and huff and scowl, keeping her family on eggshells because she didn't want to do that wonderful thing she volunteered for. She'd be in the nastiest mood. And get after anyone who got in her way until we could all focus on her again.

[@gloriastroedecke2717]

Jay Kay Damn, I have seen that with strangers and people I know. It makes you wish you could walk behind her unseen by her with a sign that states, "She doesn't like you and she didn't want to do this".

[@Innle]

The first paragraph happened to me all the time

[@phoenixrising8007]

Jay Kay Ikr, Psyching you out

[@mirnacudiczgela1963]

Same with my mother. She used to tell me she knew me since I was in her tummy! And in reality she knows nothing about how I feel or think.

[@shobiz7538]

" I Know you better than you know yourself". So scary. I actually stumbled across this phrase the other in one of my many journals I've kept over the past 6 years.

[@SSJ0016]

You are amazing. The world needs your work so badly.

[@colleenazure]

As a follow on, I think it would be helpful to have a video about the tendency of children of narcissists to be so used to mind-reading that they are baffled by others inability to. I was the scapegoated child and was/ am a good mind reader (Codependent tendencies) and experienced a painful lesson with my husband where I was expecting him to anticipate my needs/ feelings as a sign of love (because that’s the disordered way I associated love from my family of origin) and this was a difficult and painful lesson. I think this would be a great video topic(s): narcissistic traits of non-narcissist survivors of narcissistic abuse. Love your videos they help and validate my experience so much!

[@lillyofthevalley208]

I don't think you could read their mind because they mimic their supply! lol What a thriller!

[@cynthiaguarino2016]

That's interesting about mind reading because I realized early on that my ex-husband was socially awkward. I thought it was because he was so intelligent, he has a pretty high IQ and he is a physician that specializes. It seemed as if he had lived in an academic world, so that's what I attributed it to. What I would end up doing is trying to fill in the gap for him in social situations so he wouldn't feel any anxiety, but when we were in University settings with his peers it was the same. That was when I started to realize that this had nothing to do with intelligence or academia, but something else.

[@Rachel-ql6od]

Lol, my covert narcissists was illiterate, so I thought that explained his behaviour, tge insecurty, lack of communication and defensiveness. I used to tell him my 12 year old had more sense than him a 41 year old man. Jerk

[@DiederikHuys]

Literally every episode in this series feels like a wake-up call for me.

[@evieeh1720]

My Narc told me for years "you have to be born again to be able to mess with my mind - I'm too smart for you" - that comment drove me insane, why he thought I had a desire to mess with his mind baffles me everytime. Basically he was messing with my head!!

[@sarasol4677]

Oh my God! The more I listen to experts like you, Dr. Ramani the more I learn how predictable these "people " are. My ex narc's favorite phrases (among many others) were: I thought you would say/do.... / I supposed you knew you had to... / And, as you perfectly described him as if you Dr. Ramani had lived with him since you were born, he would blow up after a meeting with friends or family or specially if it was me who would go out with friends. At first I stopped seeing them and my family. I was literally isolated. But when I later started socializing again, war began, rage, silent periods.... the end

[@carmenhall6006]

Wow you just hit a home run with this one ! !! I dealt w someone who expected me to read his mind. Sort of challenging me to think like him and communicate without words...he was an extremely smart guy and expected everyone to be as smart as he was. So it made me feel as if I didnt catch his subtle hints it was because I wasn’t smart enough ...I even asked him if he expected me to read his mind and he said Yes!! he was not one to ask for things or request a phone call since I’m more of a texter and he enjoyed speaking on the phone more than texting... however asking me to get on the phone was beneath him so he expected me to take the initiative to call him and set-up our dates....I never did... drove him crazy!! Thank you for enlightening me ((:

[@joseenoel8093]

Mine tried to train me to know he thought, not only a red flag but an attestation to his stupidity. My life path was not the same as his, some nerve on my part no dought, he retaliated by reducing his sex quest, now I'm telling him that wasn't very good on his part as he thinks with the little one!

[@judyz1458]

You.are so so right, I had this for 26' years, work work he was never home with his family, on top of that he was not supportive as he gambled.

[@natachasaunders6971]

Wow...this is so on point. Thank you so much for your videos. I don't feel like I'm going crazy anymore. You have truly saved my life.

[@rsn9394]

Anybody else notice that lovely door hanging on the side?? PS. These videos are the best

[@balkangetaway]

Mine KNEW he could read my mind all the time. That's what he thought anyways. Very frustrating. And yes -i have said written and explained many times that I'M NOT A MIND READER (and neither are you)

[@balkangetaway]

And about the food -if i wasn't serving him when he expected it -he claimed that i was preventing him from eating because i thought he ate too much. Wtf

[@edibeedee]

My narc brother thinks he knows what I am feeling which usually turns out to be his projections.

[@carolyndavasligil1388]

He made me feel like I was going crazy,actually to the extent of nervous breakdown.

[@DMCdantenero112]

Your videos have been way more helpful than therapy. I finally feel relief after so many years of wondering what was wrong with me and why I'm such a "selfish inconsiderate bastard" like my dad called me. I was shocked when I began my first job and noticed that I did not have to walk on eggshells around everyone. My dad often SCREAMED at me for not knowing what he wants. Like, I once overslept, apologised, and he passive-aggressively said that he does not want to go anywhere and we'll just stay at home. Well, 30 minutes later, while I was preparing for a university interview, he screams at me "SO ARE WE GOING SOMEWHERE OR NOT". And I'm like "but you said you did not want to go anywhere" and he screams back "YES BUT ITS ALMOST LUNCH TIME AND THE WHOLE MORNING IS WASTED". So here I am, scared as hell, with my dad screaming at me for... not wanting to go anywhere when he said he also doesn't? I blamed myself for everything and I did oversleep. But he was yelling at me for not going anywhere when we agreed to not go anywhere? WHAT???? And another case, where we went into an office or something, they asked us what we were here for and my dad immediately began speaking, stammering over his words (he had been living in the UK for 4 years and still hadn't learned English properly). Once he left, he began scolding me! "Next time we enter an office, I want you to immediately start translating because you know I don't understand the language well". And I thought to myself "But... YOU DIDN'T TELL ME TO TRANSLATE! You have been living here for 4 years, and now you say that I should have KNOWN that you weren't confident and wanted me to translate? Why not just tell me before we entered the office? Or hell, even right after but you stayed silent, began speaking on your own and now you're blaming me for not knowing that you wanted me to translate?" So I replied "but you didn't tell me". And his reply was "it was obvious... forget it...". Or once when he asked me what I wanted to order at McDonalds, I told him what I want and he began SCREAMING when there were people in front and behind us "HOW ABOUT YOU ORDER". Like, you asked me a question, I replied to you, and you began yelling at me because I could not read your mind that you wanted me to order? And you scared the hell out of me and embarrassed me without hesitation? Seriously, when I tell these stories about my dad, nobody believes me. They always assume I did something wrong to upset him because nobody just screams at you for no reason. I have only two friends who trust me, along with my therapist. Narcissists are just entitled adult children. They never take responsibility, they never apologise, and they always expect everyone to cater to their whim.

[@jaytm2574]

" If you really loved me you'd already know what I want and provide it before I asked". Oh yeah.

[@notbornyesterday2767]

Sometimes their verbal/texting communication is a cross between "Grok" and baby-talk...snippets of sentences, and cryptic, dangling words and thoughts that supposed to explain to everyone what they want and what they mean. Extremely arrogant, like people don't have other things to do other than interpret what King Baby is trying to convey. Some of these "communications" could also be regarding something that had been talked about days before, so people have forgotten about it and they have to pull this previous conversation out of King Baby. Very energy-draining, and, rude.

[@jeaniemccormick9797]

Do these people have a history of having ADD, ADDHD?

[@AmyProctor]

This is so spot on. I thought I knew a lot about narcissism, and I do, but this glossary series is filling in so many gaps. Thank you!

[@annabanana7152]

Dr. Ramani… you are fantastic!! Every single video is clear, straight to the point and hits the nail right on the head! Thank you 🥰