What is SO-OCD and What Does It Mean if I Have It?

[@bryanyarrington5792]

I am extremely scared and scarred by this disorder

[@Marios_93]

Okay..I am usually not the type of person leaving KZbin comments since I find it mostly useless - but I have been suffering from HOCD for 5 years now and maybe I can find help at a place where I least expect it. I have been diagnosed with SO-OCD 3 years ago, after an incident that happened at work, which led to one of the worst experiences of my life. I always felt “strange” and that something was wrong with me, but I thought to myself that I would just mature out of these uncomfortable feelings eventually. One day at work, which was a stressful day for me, my mother was having surgery the next morning and I had lots of stuff on my plate, I started out of nowhere acting like a homosexual with the people around me. It’s really strange to describe, it’s like I had no control of my behaviour, as if I was thrown into a role like an actor and couldn’t snap out of it. Around the middle of the day, I couldn’t control my eye movements or body language - I started staring at the genitals of men around me and kept looking at them in a seductive manner, like I wanted to have sex with them. I was in pure panic and disbelief, my voice started changing, I started acting very feminine and look at all the women at work with a look of shame and guilt, basically I was trying to convince everyone around me that I was gay. It was horrible, the men started laughing at me and the women began giggling, as if they were saying “OMG really? You’re Gay?” It was hell, the whole office was looking at me and laughing and the whole time I kept acting really strange, almost funny, like the gayest man you can imagine. I left work in tears and went home, convinced that I was homosexual and it just came out all of a sudden in that particular way. I didn’t know what to think, I was never attracted to men and I only dated women in my life. I kept analysing my life to see the connection but there wasn’t one. I was like “how am I gay?” I fight, I do wrestling, BJJ and Muay Thai, I do all kinds of sports, I adore women, I have envisioned myself with a wife and kids all my life, and all of a sudden I’m gay?” I thought to myself I guess that’s how you know you’re gay. It just happens one day. I went home and told my mother what happened, she was shocked about the whole office situation and then she calmed me down. I told her “Mom I am gonna tell you something and I want you to accept me for what I am, I think I am gay.” Her reaction surprised me, even though she was upset that I was in tears and crying - she laughed and said “Honey, you are my 3rd son and I grew up with 2 brothers…you are not gay. If you were I’d know and still love you either way. Calm down and tell me what happened” We got talking and the next day I went to my psychiatrist whom I have been visiting on and off since I was 20 years old (I was now 28). I suffered from dissociative disorders and anxiety but I never expressed symptoms of OCD behaviour. Keep in mind, my psychiatrist is my uncle, who btw is gay and in a long-life relationship with his partner. As soon as I told him what happened he diagnosed my instantly with OCD. He gave me SSRIs and antipsychotics to treat the obsessions which really helped. For the next couple of months I was trying to convince him that maybe I was gay, we really dwelled into what it means to be gay, men’s feminine side and how gay people know they’re gay. Whenever I stated that I still think I might be gay he always kindly laughed and said “Man, I am gay, 90% of my clients are gay people who know they’re gay and the others are clients who are in denial, which causes all other sorts of psychological and split personality disorders, I see homosexuals every day - you are neither.” The last 3 years of my life have been hell, I spent 7 months at home not being able to go out, it turned around like a PTSD case where what happened at work and the ridiculed I faced was always present in my psyche, getting flash backs that it might happen again. I developed extreme social anxiety and cannot go out anywhere for more than like 4 hours, then, especially when I get tired, I start fearing that I will behave like the gayest man and people will make fun of me. I am extremely self-conscious about every movement I make, worrying that I will seem gay to others. I haven’t worked for 3 years, I am now 31 - literally read 17 books about OCD and tried all the medications related to treating obsessions. Overall, the medications helped at periods and now I am just on antidepressants. I would like to ask what can I do to improve my situation. I know how OCD works, it’s unwanted thoughts and the problem is not the thoughts, you can’t control them and the more you push them away the stronger they return. I know that the secret is not being afraid of the thought, cause if you show any alertness to a thought your brain thinks you’re in danger and sends you more of them. So, it’s how you react to the thought, you should accept them and let them be there without fearing them, they should be indifferent like all other thoughts that don’t trigger me. I am working on that. I also read about the concept of uncertainty. I have no doubt now, after 3 years or therapy with both a psychiatrist and a clinical psychologist that I am not gay, in other words, I don’t doubt my sexuality, I like women, so the uncertainty ain’t about my sexual orientation. I think its more like “what if people perceive me as gay?” What’s so wrong with that? Maybe it’s the fear that they’ll label me as something I am not, but people miss-label us everyday of our lives and we aren’t bothered by it, why so much the gay thing? I consider myself pretty rational and I understand, at least intellectually that there’s nothing wrong with being a homosexual. Maybe it’s that whole “Macho, fighting persona” I build for myself that finds being perceived as gay the worst possible outcome? Keep in mind we frequently act silly with my friends, acting like we’re gay during training, like running really girly during warms ups and staff like that, but I don’t feel uncomfortable during that, I actually find it hilarious. I just want to know if anyone feels the same or felt in the past. I feel pretty alone and have been engaging in avoidance behaviour for the last 3 years. I don’t remember the last time I felt joy and excitement, there’s always this worry that I will lose control and make a fool of myself again. I haven’t made a meaningful relationship in 5 years, all my friends move into their newly bought apartments with their girlfriends and I am all alone. I don’t want to date anyone since I feel really awkward in social settings and I feel like I will not be a good boyfriend for a girl at this moment in my life, I have no income and no plan for the future, I also fear I will start acting as gay if I feel uncomfortable during a date or a night out, and I will embarrass both of us. Besides that, I have to mention that I have similar thoughts about people thinking that I am a pedophile. Just imagine that I used to take a longer route to get to my house just to avoid driving by a school with children, in case I glance at a child the wrong way and people think I am sexually attracted to it. But the gay thing is stronger and more frequent, it generally has a lot do with sexual stuff. Thanks for reading guys, if anyone has experienced similar circumstances please feel free to talk about it 🙏

[@daniellecarter9552]

This is the best explanation I've heard about this subtype. Thank you for this, Dr McGrath.

[@bryanyarrington5792]

This is horrible extremely hard to handle mine was misdiagnosed growing up left me in a hell of a heap of shit and confusion. I know I am straight but holy hell

[@bryanyarrington5792]

I thought if I actually did something the thoughts that bothered me so much would go away, or faced my “fear” and I realized very quickly I was actually not gay like my mind had told me I was, it was well, gross.

[@joestanley250]

Same here. Be good to speak to you

[@bryanyarrington5792]

@@joestanley250 we can talk Sometime I am so sorry this has happened to you, forgive yourself try try try I know this is so hard on your mind and soul like mine.

[@pomegrenade7653]

I developed SO-OCD when I was 14, and my internal understanding of love and sex was already 1. underdeveloped due to autism and 2. heavily distorted due to things I’d seen (don’t give kids free youtube access!), so I never really had an understanding of attraction to reassure myself with, so now I’m in a constant internal whirlwind because I can’t tell the difference between genuine attraction/desire and what my mind has made up

[@SeaturtleSeaturtle]

Thank you 🙏 I hope you understand how much this has helped me thanks you

[@JoeY-hb3cg]

this completely has turned my social life upside down I can't with this anymore

[@stargazerskingdom1901]

Dammnnn.... I've been dealing with this embarrasing thing for a while now. I thought i was gay earlier..., but then i was always doubting and hyperaware about my attractions and feelings, in the end, I realized i also like girls when i actually felt one day without doubt, and now i identify as bisexual. But this fucking problem doesn't go away. It always sticks on some anomaly or doubt. Now, I'm feeling really distressed with the notion and fear that I would turn straight and lose my attraction to men entirely, coupled with the nostalgias of my past days. I don't want to leave out those feelings i had for guys since childhood, those fantasies, crushes, butterflies, those love-stories i wanted to write about men, and romantic feelings and eventually that queer identity which makes me unique among others.... the feeling of leaving all those behind overwhelms me

[@shisoy4809]

😢😢😢 I can't wish this thing even to my worst enemy

[@sophiewoods6047]

I have a teen currently being crushed by that and this video is absolutely amazing

[@ArayasMusicStudio]

I love how the LGBTQ community feels more comfortable being who they are but it is so triggering for people like us. Talk of “sexuality is fluid” adds to the uncertainty piece for those with OCD.

[@angelofnerdz676]

Thank you! I'm lesbian and I've been dealing with this for years. 😭

[@lister11811]

As a lesbian did you fear being straight

[@makinzieclark7786]

Me too

[@lunacat.]

Can this same type of doubt apply to other themes too? Like “what if I don’t actually think things are immoral, what if I’m in denial about my morality, what if this doubt means I’m a psychopath” etc.

[@surrenderliife]

I’ve had all subtypes, I’m currently on SOOCD, always been straight, have had a bad porn addiction for the past 6 years and with a bad addiction you get off to gay porn better… while being straight… and after gay porn go to another sub section etc. a study was made in a room of 800 people, 400 being straight and 400 people being homosexual. 4/5 straight men said that they watch gay porn. 55% of homosexuals watch heterosexual porn. And women get off to lesbian porn as well. Homosexuality revolves around wanting to have sex with the same sex, and date the same sex (not porn, porn is fake). Intrusive thoughts don’t mean that they’re your thoughts. You see your brain creates thoughts off of the surrounding content that is obtained from the senses. With porn, it’s like a very bad drug, and some people think that they’re gay/bi because they watched a porno… which is 100% false. Hence why porn is so bad for this generation. Believe me you are not what your OCD tells you. You are what you’ve always been.

[@kalliepyatt3915]

Yup