My HOCD survival story | How I overcame HOCD

This is my story of how I recovered from HOCD. Homosexuality OCD. It’s a true story of how I experienced HOCD and got through it.
I’m hearing my story and experience to hopefully help others who are dealing with HOCD. Please reach out for support if you are affected by HOCD or are anxious about your sexuality.
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#HOCD #OCD #SOOCD

[@notdefining]

For mentoring support and to connect with others who experience HOCD check out Patreon.com/notdefining. For 1:1 coaching book with me through www.notdefining.com/coaching-info. To support this channel and get priority answers to your comments click the JOIN button.

[@ravenna2165]

I can not explain how important this video is. I have struggled with this for years, you have helped me on the path of accepting my bisexuality and not view it as dangerous. I feel very seen. Thank you for helping me and so many others feel less alone. You have helped me so so much. Truly, Thank you!

[@koh367]

I have OCD, am Bisexual, and experience SO OCD ❤it has been so hard to come out because of it

[@notdefining]

I hear you. You’re not alone.

[@lukephillips1331]

we’ve had pretty similar experiences. i’ve struggled with SOOCD and now that i think more and more about it, OCD surrounding social situations as well. specifically meetings, presentations, verbal conflicts, etc. for example, if i had a big meeting that i obsessed over saying the right things in for weeks in advance, i continue to do so for years after the fact. for hours and hours at a time. i still do this. i will replay conversations from when i was in middle school (i am 22, almost 23) in my head to say what is EXACTLY perfect and i never can do it. i’ll pace for hours thinking of new things to say for conversations that are in the past. i know it’s irrational and i can’t go back in time and change it. i still do this to this day, i’ve spent significant hours out of multiple days thinking over a political debate i had with my friend 2 months ago and i will probably spend even more time on it in the future if something triggers it. this is similar to how my SO-OCD manifested itself. i’ve known i was bi since i was probably 12, even if i didn’t have words for it (growing up in a christian environment didn’t really give me a choice in between the binary lol) this caused me so much strife and caused me to become obsessive about my sexuality in my later teen years. it still flares up to this day during my bi-cycles that swing very heavily one way. i know i am bi, i’ve always been bi and don’t know if it can be taken out of me even if someone or i tried lol, but my brain hates that answer. it insists that i must pick one when i genuinely can’t do it even if i wanted to. luckily it isn’t as chronic as it once was, but when i’m in a heavy bi swing, like i am right now, it can get pretty debilitating, make me unable to focus on anything else for hours at a time, and has made me suicidal in the past. i write out what i’m feeling and that can calm me down, but only so much. god this shit is distressing lol, but i appreciate this video. it helped me after a rough couple days to know i’m not so alone and that i have a very similar experience as other guys like me. i appreciate the work you do for bi men, i wish we had more people out there making us and our experiences seen and heard.

[@tess3709]

thank you for this! i’ve also struggled with soocd. i’d be interesting in hearing your thoughts on how biphobia might intersect with soocd. i know for me, my soocd was not the “classical” example of fearing being gay-it was more rooted in either fear of being bisexual, or fear of playing into stereotypes of bisexuality. when i first started experiencing same sex attraction, i would “check” my attraction for a long time because i was worried it was going to be a phase, and didn’t want to allow myself to come out until i was sure. but then i worried i would never be sure, and the internalized biphobia reached such a height that, since i couldn’t deny my same sex attraction as it was much stronger, i started identifying as a lesbian to try to “resolve” my soocd and “pick a side” so to speak. but then the obsessions flipped and i kept trying to “check” that i wasn’t in fact attracted to men, which causes a lot of strife and repression when you are in fact bisexual… now that i’m more secure in my identity, i still sometimes have obsessions “what if you were faking your same sex attraction all along and it really is a phase?” “what if people i care about don’t believe that i’m bi?” it’s a lot of fear about being stereotyped or misunderstood.

[@notdefining]

Hey thank you so much for sharing. I’m so with you. Writing this will help someone else who might be struggling with the same thing. I appreciate you.

[@ravenna2165]

Thank you for sharing your story! It's pretty similar to mine. You're not alone!

[@PokhrajRoy.]

Thank you for saying “You are not alone.” ❤

[@notdefining]

🩷

[@Nicole-yx8ms]

So so much love to you Mark.. thank you for sharing yourself. I deeply relate to you❤

[@notdefining]

I appreciate this so much.

[@inigol87]

Thank you. I may be struggling with this and it is really hard. I trust that good people and professional help will get me through this😊

[@notdefining]

Hey there thanks for reaching out. Yes seeking support is a great step. You deserve to have the help you need as this can be really tough. Check out my links if you’d like support from me. Otherwise your GP should be able to direct you as well.

[@paulcooneyjr]

Hey Man, I've seen your videos (some of them) for a while. You're doing good work. I suppose privately I am also bisexual though to the outside world I allow myself to identify as straight. And try to fit into the straight world. You said something about stability. That hit home. Presently I am dating a woman who I have shared my bi identity with -- and she's even open to certain accommodations but I still feel uncomfortable talking much about any feelings / impulses I may have. Which sends me into this SOCD / ROCD funk. :( It's terribly frustrating, anxiety inducing and draining. "They" (the triggers) usually fade. But it could take hours to maybe even a few days. I'm in a better place but not fully there. Stressed out in America :)

[@jaimepena463]

I like your vídeo because it help me so much to understand my own Soocd, althought i consider myself straight when i get diagnosticated with hocd i thougth that this only happened to straight or gay people That obsessed whith being the opposite and i didnt believe that it happens to bisexual but now i understand, i respect so much your struggle . Thank you so much

[@PokhrajRoy.]

9:46 I remember writing this very harsh letter to myself in a textbook with all the names people called me. I was in a similar position. I had everything thought out.

[@PokhrajRoy.]

Homophobia in the ‘90s was straight up violent. 2000s was latent homophobia and was huge on Transmisia/transphobia. I remember snapping and saying, “I’m half-boy, half-girl.” because I didn’t have the vocabulary for ‘beyond the binary’ and I got a lot of flak for that. Of course I’m having the last laugh because gay is good.

[@PokhrajRoy.]

It’s nice to be not like the other boys 🌈

[@PokhrajRoy.]

9:26 This is why I don’t do Journal Entries anymore.

[@kellitrujillo9391]

I’ve always felt this way, But I accepted I was bi when I was younger! But I have had always been obsessed with boys since I was younger! But until I was 14 I started worrying then around 16 just kinda accepted I was bi. Have had every other ocd theme. Now I’m 22, have been with my bf for a year and a half now! I love him and adore him! But now I’m worried what if I’m a Lesbian, even though I don’t wanna lose my attraction to him or men it makes me so sad. Can people with bisexual have obsession about being monosexual (like being fully straight or fully gay)? I feel so alone about my worries 😔.

[@apocalypse12345]

I grew up in Muslim family... I was feminine in my childhood.. I grew up I discovered Im same sex attracted.. since childhood .. I was gender dysphoric in my 2 3 4 5 years old ... I know I was born that way I have zero attraction to women ... But I have an OCD from other perspective.. I doubt sexual abuse .. when I was kid .. this really frustrated me .

[@notdefining]

Hey thank you so much for sharing. I’m so glad that you feel able to talk about what you’ve been through. It sounds like you have experienced an awful lot. We’re here for you and you’re not alone. Totally hear what you’re saying about the doubt around sexual abuse. This can be another form of OCD. It’s tough, but you can get through it. Reach out if you need support. Sending huge love. Keep going. You’ve got this. 🩷🩷🩷

[@apocalypse12345]

@@notdefining thank you 💕💕

[@PokhrajRoy.]

5:57 If only we crossed paths earlier and combined the forces of our joint slay.

[@LEGOPOTTERPRODUCTIONS]

Is it possible to be bisexual but demisexual with girls and allosexual with men? I’ve always felt more emotionally attracted towards girls than guys, however, I’ve only really felt physically attracted towards guys growing up. But recently, I’ve discovered that I get some sexual feelings imagining myself in bed with a girl I share a strong emotional attraction to, and I’ve also started feeling romantically attracted towards certain guys. However, I also feel like I have HOCD and SOCD because I’m constantly worrying about my sexual orientation changing and later realizing that I’m secretly gay and I have no idea what I am anymore.

[@Jess-wk5jo]

Hi i have question What does mean I keep on looking girls does mean i am bisexual or lesbian but i sill love boys and what be with boys i am attracted for girls too and boys? What should i do?

[@notdefining]

If you still like boys you would normally be considered bisexual. The attraction for boys and girls doesn’t have to be equal. It can be more of one than the other. That’s totally acceptable and most bi people are like that.

[@Jess-wk5jo]

​@@notdefiningi do love boys and i got crushs

[@YFS458]

Can a pornography addiction cause hocd(especially in your teen years)?

[@notdefining]

An addiction wouldn’t cause OCD however obsessive use of adult content can be a common compulsion with HOCD. Addictive behaviours and OCD have inter linkages as well. They both come from a root trauma. The individual becomes addicted to a substance or behaviour to try to temporarily soothe the core trauma. In HOCD the addiction is answer seeking. The individual believes that in finding an answer they will find relief from their trauma.

[@YFS458]

@@notdefining I’ve been addicted to it for 6 years. And a month ago I experienced a thought that was question about my sexuality which led to a lot of anxiety that was killing me inside, it made me wanna die because of how bad it was. As of now the anxiety got less but the thoughts are still there, i feel quite numb and I don’t know what to do anymore. I still get aroused by woman and hard if I were to watch women pornography or have a fantasy in my head but I feel like my attraction towards women has gotten less since the intrusive thoughts were hunting me. The thoughts are always there 24/7, I could be riding a roller coaster and still have thoughts even though I’m distracted by adrenaline. I was so happy before all of this happened, I was so attracted and lustfull towards girls and now I can’t even tell if I lived my whole life in a lie, I can’t tell what’s real or not.

[@YFS458]

@@notdefining ??

[@wriggz9320]

Hi Mark. This is a random question. Would you like to have kids one day?