What narcissists do with your generosity

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DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.
THE VIDEO DOES NOT REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AND SHOULD NOT BE USED TO REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AS HAVING NARCISSISM. PERMISSION IS NOT GRANTED TO LINK TO OR REPOST THIS VIDEO, ESPECIALLY TO SUPPORT AN ALLEGATION THAT THE MAKERS OF THIS VIDEO BELIEVE, OR SUPPORT A CLAIM, THAT A SPECIFIC PERSON IS A NARCISSIST. THAT WOULD BE AN UNAUTHORIZED MISUSE OF THE VIDEO AND THE INFORMATION FEATURED IN IT.

[@carparthero]

anyone who says it costs nothing to be kind, hasn't dealt with a narcissist. 🤷🏼‍♂

[@spacegirl226]

YES! This is one of my biggest triggers. My counselor has a little sign in her office that says "Be Kind." So I told her that I have been nothing but kind to my enemies and look at where it got me -- in a therapist's office! Toxic positivity is real. Being kind to people who were unable to be kind in return is a total waste of time. The people who tell you to be kind often aren't kind themselves. It's another type of virtue signalling.

[@carparthero]

@spacegirl226 take it as a lesson learned. be polite, but firm. establish and enforce boundaries, because takers have no limits. cheers 🍻 from southern ontario, canada 🍁

[@BrandiBAR]

@@spacegirl226I agree with you.

[@user-mz6py1hg6f]

@carparthero Thank you for making me laugh out loud. 😅😅😅

[@carparthero]

@user-mz6py1hg6f glad to have brightened you day lol 😉 all the best. -cheers, steven

[@youngblood8540]

Two things define someone. Their patience when they have nothing. Their attitude when they have everything.

[@kyriag]

I like the way you worded this I will keep this in mind

[@napalmspears3016]

Well said, patent that

[@tracyselvey3685]

Love it!!!!!!!!

[@napalmspears3016]

thats great! as long as your patent is pending first, youll be ok , good luck @@youngblood8540

[@WorldOfARandomVegan]

Yesssss!!!

[@faustinoaleman1677]

A narcissist is a bully, and bullies see kindness as weakness. They'll simply be empowered to act up more with your generosity/ kindness.

[@WorldOfARandomVegan]

Faaaaaaaaacts!

[@sunbeam9222]

Kindness becomes weakness when one get entangled with a narcissist and doesn't fight their way back. Not blaming just saying. Narcissist don't go after superheroes. They get their ways with people who are not aligned with reality themselves. It's good to know how a narcissist functions. It's gold to know how we do.

[@dontbelongherefromanotherp9807]

Yep

[@carolnahigian9518]

NO GOOD DEED Goes unpunished. Bye Folks!

[@heidihgreen]

​@carolmonroe6489 Please explain and expand on that. I want to understand.

[@AdZS848]

My experience with narcissists and generosity is that they are just unappreciative. They act like "of course you're giving me something, I'm special and I deserve it." They also think their money is theirs an your money is theirs.

[@Knuckles-4]

Perfectly to a tee

[@Dragon598-ke6so]

I was about to comment the same thing. They make you feel like you owe them so they are ungrateful with all the generosity given to them. Acting like your money is theirs. And still have the audacity to gaslight you. This is with a narc friend. This narc friend even kept on telling me I can't live alone, when I have been living alone independently for so long a time. Making me feel like I have to take her in so I'm not alone. Like she's giving me a favor instead. When she's jobless and not even looking for a job. Like hell no, I'm good.

[@user-zr6pl6nb6z]

I used to have a "friend" at work who was like this. I'd do nice things like hold the door for her and sometimes buy her coffee, but she'd treat it all as if it was owed to her.

[@sharong8841]

Exactly!

[@juliemayr8674]

Yes!

[@sushmayen]

They feel that there's hidden agenda if we're generous because their generosity always has hidden agenda

[@WinterWarlock261]

Not necessarily. I relate to this video because I also am distrusting. In a way, this video describes me. I don't take kindly to others' generosity to me either, but I can admit it and I am mindful of the other person's feelings. I was raised by a narcissistic mother who, if she ever did anything for me it would ALWAYS come at a price. She never did anything without me having to pay for it, one way or another. So now I'm conditioned that if someone else does something for me, they COULD have an agenda and they COULD be a narcissist trying to take advantage of me. It doesn't mean they ARE. It DOES mean they COULD BE. The chances are not 100% nor are they 0% (by the proof narcissists exist). So I suspect the other person could have a hidden agenda, not because I have one, but simply because they COULD have one. My mother had one. So the chances ARE NOT zero percent, regardless how unlikely it may be. Am I a narcissist? I don't think so. I hope not. I do have empathy and I can relate to the feelings of others and not wanting to hurt them. I can also admit it's my own feelings that are the problem, not the other person. I admit I can be paranoid and distrusting. So, I can admit my own failings and shortcomings. So, I don't think I'm a narcissist. But I AM a narcissistic survivor by a narcissistic single-parent that was the blueprint for me growing up. So, I'm not reflecting my own toxic hidden agenda, since I don't think I have one. But I am suspicious of their hidden agenda simply because it is theoretically possible they MIGHT have one and with my mother she ALWAYS had one. It doesn't mean they have one. But it doesn't mean they don't, either.

[@MaryDunford]

​@WinterWarlock261 I made a similar point, but deleted it because Ramani clarified it half-way through the upload. I think it comes down to open, two-way, communication with clear expectations. If those are established, and the giver or recipient oversteps, you can remind them. If that's met with gaslighting or some other garbage you know what you're dealing with. This has helped me a great deal. If I give or receive something, and it's later used to ping me, I now feel zero guilt when I remind them we didn't explicitly agree to... whatever they're trying to pull. Frankly, that's usually the last time they hear from me. I hope this helps. I hate that kind of confusion. Cheers.

[@YuyiLeal]

Exactly!!!

[@JOY-ye2us]

I gave my one narcissist boyfriend money to buy a phone so we can communicate with each other- check this out- he purchased a cheaper phone and took his best friend out to dinner and it was a huge dinner- I was like why did you do that! He said he didn’t need a phone because he was joining the Army and he couldn’t use a phone anyway! Why was he flipping out when he didn’t have a phone?

[@JOY-ye2us]

He also didn’t say thank you it was like he deserved it!

[@gameplayer77801]

Narcissists will act like they appreciate you and they're grateful of your generosity, but as soon as things aren't going the way they want, nothing you have done for them will mean a thing. I spent so much of my time, energy, and money on this narcissistic person I cared about. When we would have arguments with each other, it seemed so easy for them to just let all that go. It was like none of that mattered to them, and it probably didn't. They'll keep taking from you until you have nothing left to give, so be careful with whom you share your generosity

[@jamiel6169]

This has been my experience as well. Instead of a performance, it felt like the slow sucking out of my soul, and every time I would go against what they wanted then they would highlight every little thing that I did wrong while ignoring all the good

[@juliemayr8674]

Me too

[@lezeldeguzman]

I KID YOU NOT WHEN I SAY THIS, THEY MAKE FUN OF YOUR GENEROSITY! They don't respect you. Best to stay away from them as soon as you find the courage

[@wildwellnessx]

Thank you! 🙏🏼

[@shreyaindia4024]

Truer words have not been spoken.

[@baronvonbunghole5999]

For real for real I made the mistake of giving a homeless guy 5$ in front of him on my birthday. He mocked me and lectured me for the next hour about why I shouldn't have given him anything And at the same time, he put himself on a pedestal every time he did charity work for his religious service. Other people's charity was stupid, but his was benevolent and praiseworthy

[@user-cy7hw2uq6i]

So true

[@bettyir4302]

@@baronvonbunghole5999 They can never let it go but keep griping for hours and throw it in your face every chance they get year after year.

[@amac2573]

Because of narcissistic people's "gifts" that were really bribes and guilt tripping traps, I sadly became suspicious of other people's generosity.

[@robertsmith4681]

Yes, once you stop imitating the narcissist's behavior (because this is how we were raised) in an effort to break away from the cycle, you are redefined as 'cheap' and a whole new level of abuse occurs.

[@DiamondEyez456]

So much painful truth you are saying.

[@joanna0988]

My sister in law would help me out or buy me stuff randomly then tell people behind my back how incompetent I am so she has to step in. Thankfully people don't like her and told me so I could cut her out of my life but I'm sure some people believed her 🤦

[@88freighttrain]

I had no idea it was as bad as it is. I have a sibling that's damn near a textbook case.

[@herisana579]

I swear I feel so understood. My ex gave me a weekend for my bday that cost him 1k but when we were there he asked me to pick up every check which cost me nearly the same amount too 😂😅

[@lishmahlishmah]

“There is a great man who makes every man feel small. But the real great man is the man who makes every man feel great.” G. K. Chesterton

[@mayk89]

Great quote. Thank you.

[@heidihgreen]

I like it!

[@kathwyatt6814]

I love GKC. Don't necessarily agree with him on everything, but this one is spot on. I've had the privilege of knowing a small number of people who could be described as "terrifyingly awesome" - but they managed somehow to make you feel included in their awesomeness, rather than crushed or diminished by it, the way some very talented or charismatic people do. That is a wonderful talent in itself, I think.

[@lishmahlishmah]

@@kathwyatt6814 Being Catholic myself there is a majority of topics on which I agree with GKC. But, of course, same here, not always on everything he wrote. Anyhow his vision (I would say his personality) is so good. What strikes me most about him is his deep introspection and his ability to treat even the most aggressive people towards him (in politics, religion or whatever) in the right way, without getting angry. And then, most of all, his high ability to "get out of the book", to stay close to the reader. A great example of an empath 😀, in my opinion. (also considering that I usually read his books in Italian translation... and he still manages to "cross the borders" of the written page ). Sometimes, in my case, very useful as a sort of psychotherapy

[@lishmahlishmah]

Thank you everybody for appreciating this quote of the great Gilbert 😇

[@ardent9422]

I find they are happy to take any generosity but don't return it, because they feel entitled to anything they get from you. Anything nice they do for you is with strings attached, that you won't know about until it's too late.

[@intelectualcatracho]

Exactly!

[@intelectualcatracho]

I dated a lady last year , I helped her with her bills , I think I wasted around $4K on her + time , she's a lawyer in my country , so this year I hired her to do some legal work for me so she gave me the price for the work , I said good you have the job . Later I noticed that she wanted more money for gas and food . Also there was a minor change on the paper work , she also charged me for that . I got nothing in return , we're still in touch , but she won't get a $ from me again .

[@negy2570]

@@intelectualcatracho yes. In addition to their usual BS they pur tricky Add-ons thinking that they are smart and others are stupid and cannot see It.

[@CactusGal]

Yep! Only heir, here, and dad bought me a house. When we got to the title company, he put his name on it, too. Now I'm trapped in a town I hate, and over 20 years are gone, wasted.

[@sunnydaye5942]

They will always want more, no matter how much you give them.

[@deniseclaeys8295]

"Don't ever expect that the reaction you are going to get back will be healthy, kind, or normal." Sums up decades of bizarre narc response to normal generosity. Thank you, Dr. Ramani!

[@elainehopper998]

Wow...exactly.

[@michaelk6908]

The narcissist’s reaction to my generosity was ‘my wake up moment.’ Everything then started to make sense.

[@psalm1197]

Same!

[@IusedtohaveausernameIliked]

Part of being generous is the ability to accept someone else's gift as exactly that, a gift. Narcissists lack this ability.

[@rayarena879]

I was trauma-bonded to a grandiose/malignant narcissist. At the time, I did not know about narcissism, so when he started devaluing and ghosting me, I would gaslight myself and believe his blame-shifting word salads. Because he was so charming during our love-bombing stage, and so outgoing and fun to be around, I wanted that back. I was in a unique position because of my job to invite him to great dinners at quality restaurants. He would accompany me, but then I started realizing that he didn't appreciate anything. The devaluation, ghosting and deregulated behavior continued with unprovoked insults and put-downs. Nothing was ever appreciated or reciprocated. One time, he did one nice thing for me [didn't compare to everything I did for him] and I was forever reminded of that one time. So, from experience I can say that narcs don't appreciate anything. Don't waste your energy, money or time on them. They won't appreciate anything you do even if you save their life.

[@QMiller]

Our narcissist threw away a $200 purse upon opening it, saying she didn’t “need” a purse and there was “no reason” for us to buy it. Truly sad.

[@TheQueensWish]

This is so often the case. Any gift you give is treated as a trinket. Because they want cruise tickets, a trip, a car, a new home! We all want that but that those aren’t gifts as much as something you work for. And they want that to … they want you to work for their gift. They don’t care how you got it, just get it for them.

[@erinward2983]

My generosity lost me a whole lot of time for a horrible human being in disguise, my parent. At first, he thanked me so much when I'd go stay with him to take care of his house and groceries and spend "quality time." More recently, when I lived with him, he'd continue to insist he'd pay me for all my time and hard work. However, soon enough he stole my spirit and wanted more. He acted as though I owed him the whole world for nothing. In time, the "thank you's" stopped coming altogether and I would be yelled at for leaving a single paper towel on the table. No "Thank you." No nothing. The man was not kind and never appreciated a thing and the price was my forever burden, but deserving was he of my service, for free. So, no appreciative show to put on anymore, those days were long over. So too are the days I spend giving freely of myself to someone who abused me. I decided I had to walk away. That's his forever price to pay.

[@pinkrainbow1]

Exactly. Instead of what Dr Romani is saying what it really is is your willingness to do for them, please them and serve them Just gives them a sense of power and control over you and they come to realize that instead of expressing gratitude they can show a lack of. They turn us into servants without pay who get barked at and sh*t on for our efforts. And I'm just that ballsy kind of girl that will be done with anyone who treats me like that so I end up disconnecting until he comes running back apologizing (fake) explaining how he didn't realize what he was doing and how sorry he is only for him to do it again within a couple days

[@rosemaryclarke2348]

This is the trouble I still have about my mum even though she's dead; she looked after me after an accident, she paid for my schooling before and she came to every school thing that I was in, yet she was always telling me what a fool I was and that I couldn't do anything right even when I thought I did. It's mixed me up so much because she was lovable yet so cruel.

[@lisalomeli166]

@@rosemaryclarke2348 this resonates deeply with me too.

[@karlabritfeld7104]

There's always therapy...

[@erinward2983]

@@karlabritfeld7104 They seem to know so little still. I've suggested these videos. I've suggested they do research. I'm fortunate to have had a couple amazing therapists. One identified the behavior patterns which indicated narcissism. One helped me realize that it was my father who took my power away. But, when I was backed into a corner and woman's shelters were overflowing post-COVID, I moved back in with this parent. I knew so little about what narcissism actually was, but I certainly found out. He thought I was stuck and so took off the costume he'd paraded around in for the majority of my life. By then, my therapists left the practice.

[@TaraSocial]

I was put into debt, my credit ruined, and eventually was homeless, couch surfing with friends, staying with family, until I found a room to rent. Only now have I repaired my credit and getting my life back together. It took years. I feel like an idiot but I truly believed that this person would pay me back. We lived together, I loved this person, and it was beyond my comprehension that they would ditch me and move on so quickly, leaving me in ruins I ultimately created myself by being so naive.

[@cc1k435]

Don't be so hard on yourself. They prey upon good people, and we're all susceptible.

[@bellaluce7088]

Trusting exploitative people is NEVER your fault if you didn't know better at the time. Good people assume goodness in others. Kudos for getting your life back on track! ⭐🏆😃🏆⭐

[@MissOne]

my story is similar 😮😢

[@MissOne]

​@bellaluce7088 😊 thank you for your comment ❤

[@MissOne]

​@@cc1k435exactly 💯 thank you for sharing

[@annavetrova8200]

I'm hosting my narcissistic parents right now, they arrived for over a month to the country I now live in from a much poorer place. Of course I try to make them most comfortable and pay for everything. What I get in return is complaints, everything is always slightly off, no recognition or plain thank you, often resentment, e.g. they make me persuade them to accept (visit to sights, trying local cuisine, etc). It drives me nuts. Coupled with total disrespect for my boundaries it exhausted me completely. 9 days to go 🤞

[@joanna0988]

That was my experience with my dad a few years ago 🤦 I locked myself in the bathroom and cried a few times. It was so draining and upsetting.

[@annavetrova8200]

@@joanna0988 I did that today after I couldn't sleep through the whole night from stress and anger. Did you continue contact with your dad after he left? What was it like after?

[@annavetrova8200]

@@joanna0988 thank you very much for sharing, it is very important to hear I'm not crazy and not alone!

[@daveshore8671]

De foo is worth it. Stefan molyneux does lots of good stuff on it.

[@healerscreek]

Practice radical acceptance and grey rocking. They probably can't stand that you have succeeded in improving your life without them so are hellbent on tearing you down.

[@sybilizzard4926]

I can tell you what they do with your generosity before I even watch this video: they wront appreciate it. It will soon be forgotten. They will feel entitled to it. They wront see how kind of you it was to be generous to them. It may be expected from you again. And again, it wront be appreciated or reciprocated. Nothing is enough for them. Nothing you do is enough. You are not enough to them. But please believe that you are enough for you ,and they dont deserve you and your generosity.😊

[@kathleenmatteo6601]

Bingo

[@bellaluce7088]

My covert narc ex-friend accepted birthday and holiday gifts from me for YEARS without reciprocating. Red flag ignored. Last year she spewed entitled outrage at me for not being instantly available as her emotional support animal on MY birthday, even though I'd spoiled my plans for the day by staying up late the night before (technically my birthday) helping her process her issues. No matter how much you give them, these vampires are NEVER satisfied. Better to leave and lavish all that generosity of time, money, love, and forgiveness etc. on YOURSELF and other worthy people. Breaking FREE is one of the best gifts I've ever given myself! ; - ) 💝🎁🥳💖⭐

[@ThyKingdomCome_7]

Love that phrase “emotional support animal.” I now-know exactly what I am 😂 …processing issues is another. I once heard if you’re spending more than 20 minutes on the phone “processing someone’s issues” weekly, it’s time they take their issues to a therapist!

[@CactusGal]

How do you process the guilt feelings? I am a wreck, after finally separating last Friday.

[@bellaluce7088]

@@ThyKingdomCome_7 😄Yes, if we were all issued vests like a service dog our role would be more clear! I actually don't mind listening to people's issues for hours, days, weeks, etc. as long as it's part of them healing and building resilience. But there's a difference between healthy venting and outsourcing responsibility for one's emotional life or using never-ending "crises" to get attention. Ugh. No more narcs!

[@bellaluce7088]

​@@CactusGal Good for you for taking care of yourself even though it feels uncomfortable! Many of us were deeply programmed that it's wrong or even dangerous not to always put others' needs first, so separating took guts. < : - ) I think it helped me to know from resources like Dr. Ramani that guilt is a common reaction but it's still appropriate to leave, and the feeling dwindles with time. Really becoming aware of how badly they were treating me before I left also made it easier to let the guilt go. Dr. Ramani advises writing all their bad behavior down and reviewing it to strengthen our resolve when we start to waiver. *We owe no loyalty to those who mistreat us.* Doing a deep dive on Covert Narcissists and getting wise to how much of the drama conveniently *served her* by giving her "the right" to demand my constant energy and attention also helped. Some covert narcissists are better at keeping up appearances, but seeing how quickly she recovered from things that would have gutted me (e.g. a longtime friend cutting her off) helped me realize she didn't need ME, she just wanted her juicy supply. Getting farther along in my own healing also helped me realize that it's OKAY to leave someone because it isn't working for YOU. That's what healthy people do! And dealing with being the one who was left as many of us have is just part of the tax on life. Narcissists aren't entitled to avoid that and keep us captive forever to suit their needs, no matter what they might think. You deserve to be FREE!

[@bellaluce7088]

@@CactusGal P.S. You might get a kick out of this funny and validating video by Ingrid Clayton about how it feels to set boundaries (clue: icky ; - ): "How to Set a Boundary" (released 12-19-22) I also really like what Matthew Hussey says about boundaries: they're what WE do to protect our needs, regardless of what the other person does. I find it helpful to remember that leaving was the choice forced on me by my narc friend's refusal to police her own disrespectful, nonreciprocal behavior despite my pleas for YEARS. The guilt lies with them for being so careless of our needs and feelings they forced us to more drastic action. Good wishes to you! ❤

[@ckvarnmass]

I co-signed for a loan for him to become a massage therapist. He decided he wasn't going to pay the loan, since he was living with me and I expected him to pay half and he didn't want to pay anything. Fortunately the school knew me and they paid back the loan company. I was so devasted and felt so much shame. The person at the school was so kind and knew and understood I was taken! She knew I could not pay it back and knew what he did was so wrong. She told me to not allow this experience to keep me from helping others.

[@lt827]

I had a similar experience not long after my ex moved in with my children and me. He told me he should not have to contribute to the household bills because (drum roll) it wasn’t costing anything extra for him to live there!

[@cc1k435]

​@@lt827😂 It might not be so much in rent but it's a steep price in so many other ways to have them around. 😂

[@stacyjaye6350]

Yeah, well my mama taught me never to co-sign for anyone for any reason. You ain't a bank, and next time you might not get so lucky. Find another way to help people besides money!!

[@cc1k435]

The world doesn't need more narcissists, but it certainly needs people who are inclined to help. She's right. ❤

[@OneAdam12Adam]

You're lucky. I'm in the hole $60 grand since it took forever to extricate him from my life.

[@V8RSWGN]

I always got "well I never asked you to do that" whenever I would do something for her but then would get criticized if I didn't. Something as small as opening her car door for her, if I missed one time, nothing but criticism. It was just a pure lose-lose situation.

[@lovinglife-tq4pv]

OMG! I am in the same boat!

[@Zoinks3245]

You know without a doubt she’s a narcissist when she hurries to her door to beat you so that she can complain about it later

[@CactusGal]

You got that right!! It's always a lose-lose situation.

[@jennyfromtheblock8576]

My experience has been that the person takes, and takes and expects more and more. They expect me to pay, or give good gifts.

[@pokemont9989]

Same here. I think that is what the vulnerable narcissist do

[@Addison-RN]

Dear Dr Ramani, I wanted to take a moment to express my deepest gratitude for the invaluable psychological information you share with us. Your willingness to provide free resources has been a true lifesaver for me and I am sure for many others as well. Your dedication to mental health and your passion for helping others is truly inspiring. The fact that you take the time to share your knowledge and expertise in such a clear and compassionate way is a testament to your commitment to improving the lives of those around you. I can't thank you enough for the positive impact you have had on me and so many others. Your generosity and kindness have not gone unnoticed and are greatly appreciated. Thank you again for all that you do. Sincerely, Nurse Addison :D

[@carolkramer7775]

Agreed. Could not be better said. Thank you, Dr. Ramani!

[@tiffcat1100]

❤️👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼💜

[@KathleenJ]

Totally agree.

[@LD-Howe]

Beautifully said. I agree completely

[@lt827]

My narcissistic ex feels so entitled, he would never criticize my generosity towards him! He just criticizes money I spend on myself!

[@11penfold]

I have a foster cousin turning 33 this year expecting me to give him a £1k. I only take home 1500 per month and I cook and clean after him out of my pocket, put clothes in his back, but him trainers and he gets exactly the same as I do every month. It's exhausting and I am just not even going to try meeting his expectations, especially when I have it written down along with bank statements exactly how he treated me when I was living on next to nothing. Givers really do have to learn their limits because takers have some seriously delusional expectations these days.

[@lt827]

@@11penfold Thanks for the reminder about limits being important when you are generous. My adult children didn’t get it for a long time that I could downsize if it weren’t for them living with me. I have to work incredibly hard to keep a house in an expensive city. I don’t want to be a sugar momma!

[@karlabritfeld7104]

​@@11penfoldwhy are you staying?

[@11penfold]

@@lt827 I know so many women in your position. My cousin was like this with his mum before she escaped into a relationship with an even bigger narcissistic bloke who killed her within 8 months of being released on parole from prison and got let off with manslaughter because there were too many bruises on my aunt's body to pinpoint which trauma impact killed her. So I am basically in a somewhat trauma bonded relationship with the cousin, but I have written down the times I've been struggling my hardest and how I got treated when they received their own luck, so I definitely won't be matching to unrealistic expectation, not at that age. He was diagnosed with adhd as a child and on numerous occasions brags how he deliberately played up to the symptoms he searched online for, but as soon as anyone tries to attempt holding him accountable, out comes the, 'but it's not my fault I've got mental health issues' card, when the truth couldn't be more polar to the words coming out of their mouth. Worst thing about the 1k, is he said that I must have it laying around in my home waiting for him, I corrected him immediately and then later looking back on all our conversations, asked where or when I told him that I was going to give him any particular amount. I got the usual gaslighting I never said that. Truly learn to put yourself first, I've seen too many women ruined by narcissistic entitled children. A cold sharp shock of reality is what they need so you can live without having to support them when I assume that they are capable of working and taking care of themselves, don't burn out making people a priority who don't consider what life for you would be like if the weren't in it draining your resources!

[@11penfold]

@@karlabritfeld7104 trauma bond and the fact that I am a sucker for people pleasing, especially when doing so actually does benefit me. I.e. My aunt is on an oxygen machine to live in her home and the cousin, fell asleep in his bedroom with a fag in his hand and almost died himself and is sofa surfing currently and I am a good cook, plus I'm terrible at cooking for one, I find it easy to cook for a family of 4-6, when I don't have people to cook for, often stop eating altogether, so I enjoy being able to offer a stable meal every day and I don't ask for anything in return and even do all the cleaning as I go along and after the meal. It helps me to maintain my health and more importantly, get out of my home where I am living beneath a man who has been recently released from being sectioned after just 3 months and he has been the bane of my life for the last 4 years now and it's just so difficult to know what or who to trust anymore. I know that I will never have any impact on my cousin in regards of growth, but I don't want to be that person who just abandons someone because of some less desirable traits which stems from the fact that I was continuously abandoned and abused whilst growing up. The people I refer to as cousin and aunt, are actually my extended foster family, but you can probably understand why I feel like I am in a position where I need to choose between the lesser of two evils and with the neighbour above me having been violent with me and has spent every day since he got out complaining about my existence, I would rather hear the delusions of grandeur from those I know won't ever harm me than stay in am environment whereby violence/fatality is a lingering threat and entirely unpredictable. Hope that explains why to you.

[@BeautyBySage]

My kids and I went out on a special shopping trip to get our narc a collection of bday gifts (shirts, loungey clothes, swim trunks etc) He opened the gifts eventually, berated the gifts and verbally attacked me for not paying attention enough to him and his wardrobe to know what type of clothes to get. It was my fault I got the "wrong materials". Said I had no attention to detail and called me lazy (of course, that's his go-to). It was a fun day!

[@lilyghassemzadeh]

My generosity raised my narcissist's paranoia.

[@catimonster]

Growing up my sister and I would each spend a lot of time trying to figure out something to get Mom for holidays. Every single item we got or made for her would be met with “this is too nice, you keep it.” Most of the gifts we gave her were given back to us. We both still feel awful about it to this day and I’m 50. I still can’t quite wrap my head around what was going on but we felt like nothing we did was ever good enough.

[@alonzomosley7]

I thought my mother was the only one she returned nearly every gift .It was so offensive I still find it difficult to accept I am 60 years old

[@ekaterinamatveeva6741]

I have realized that my mother is a narcissist. When I used to buy her gifts especially something that she really needed she would be still very critical that it was not good enough. That killed my desire to do anything for her. The ugliest moment with her was when I was getting married she publicly made me a gift with a substantial amount of cash so the public would be praising her. It appeared to be that was the money that I inherited from my recently deceased Father

[@cc1k435]

😂😂😂 That's how my mother operates, too..."I'll give you access to the account I put your graduation gift money into if you beg me for access to it." 😂😂😂 No, thanks, just the same. I asked the bank to take my name off the account instead.

[@user-cy7hw2uq6i]

You can't make this stuff up. Narcassists can be so sick and twisted.

[@lauralee7662]

OOoh I can see this playing out. Ohh I am so sorry. Oh that's so bad.

[@WinterWarlock261]

Anything I did for my single-parent covert narcissistic mother, I usually viewed as a "duty" or "obligation" or as a representation of who I wanted to be as a person. It was not out of a place of "love" for her, because I knew I'd never get it back from her. Or if it did, it would be overshadowed by the criticism and disdain from her. So, it wasn't for HER I was doing things for her. It was for MY sake so I could at least feel good about myself for having at least done my part, regardless of her.

[@lisalomeli166]

This is so familiar! Any gift I gave my mom was not to her satisfaction. One time, when I was much younger, my husband I bought her a Coach purse for her Birthday. It was expensive for us and we saved for 6 months. When she opened it, she complained about the color, the style etc. We felt embarrassed and humiliated in front of everyone. Several months later we saw a friend of the families using the purse and she stated how generous my mom was to get her such an amazing purse. 😮 At least someone appreciates it! Now, we get her a card and flowers. We NEVER bought her a “gift” again. She stated at one point that nobody put thought in to what they gave her, they just bought flowers! She is lucky anyone got her anything at all.

[@masquarra]

I am surrounded by ones who grade the gifts. Then if the gifts are graded too low they demand them to be taken back and done with better heart. Mind you they never give in return

[@erinward2983]

Once I went to the store, I called and asked what he would like for me to get. I picked out a couple of danishes and other things. He said, "Oh! I bet those WOULD BE GOOD WITH SOME WHIPPED CREAM!!!!" We did NOT have whipped cream. Sooooo, I ate them both in the middle of the night when I got up for a glass of water. (I'd also gotten ice cream and other treats). Soon, I would learn that all the treats and thoughtfulness never meant a thing. He expected everything yet appreciated nothing. All the, "thank you's" meant nothing. They were just part of his way of keeping me "in service." They were only part of the show that kept me running...In the end, I realized what he'd been doing, and the only running left to do was running out the door.

[@brendacompton1958]

I'm a waitress, and I observe a certain type of person that won't let/gets mad when someone else wants to pay the bill. It's interesting. Can't just be gracious and say thank you.

[@blueskiescounselor]

I'm gluten free because I have CD so I've learned a lot of recipes that are pretty good substitutes for gf foods and little tips that have helped me navigate this diet including using waffles instead of bread for sandwiches and burgers. So when the N told me their doctor recommended they stop eating gluten and it was going to be hard to adjust, I sent them a mini waffle iron that had rainbows all over it along with some of my favorite gf recipes which I'd written out on colorful index cards and stuffed into a card which said "I know it can be daunting to change your diet and I hope this helps make it a little more fun." I was so excited for them to receive the package but their reaction was the opposite of what I had hoped. They seemed offended, commenting on how they already knew how to cook quite well. They commented on how they buy only the best kitchen gadgets, (the mini waffle maker was not at all pricey). Later they either forgot I did this or just wanted to throw a dig in, but they commented about how some people expect everyone to be gluten free if they are gluten free. I felt awful because what started out as me wanting to do something nice turned into an awkward and uncomfortable thing!

[@shama9279]

I have seen this, that's why I do not allow others to buy me anything, many people are like this. No strings, no issues.

[@om617yota7]

For a narc, generosity in others = weakness, multiplied by entitlement. They will now expect you to continue picking up the check or taking care of XYZ difficult job for the rest of eternity, while giving you zero appreciation. They'll even look down on you with disdain, because they have no equals, only servants to step on. On the flip side, when the narc picks up a spoon their own child threw on the floor, they'll expect a parade in their honor. Best spoon-picker-upper ever!

[@ac27934]

"You KNOW I don't like all that country lacy bunny nonsense stuff you quit!" The specificity of this one absolutely cracked me up! 😂

[@pepperbird1212]

I enjoy being generous with those I know and love, or even with strangers sometimes. I've given dozens of small and large gifts to my narcissist, who very seldom gifts me, even on appropriate occasions like birthdays and other significant occasions. He has a 6-figure salary but constantly complains of poverty, although he is generous to himself, indulging most whims. Because I admire his intelligence and grit so much, I continue being generous and especially thoughtful, hoping to be a good example. Some of his narcissistic traits have eroded away, since he is impressed and touched by someone who is consistently generous and patient with him, but his fierce temper, unforgiving attitude, and biting criticism keep us from having real intimacy and a deeper commitment from me, including physical. He acts puzzled and hurt about that, and I don't feel like explaining myself. He's the smartest person I know, has superb taste and a good sense of humor, but I feel sorry for his entitlement because I know it is hollow. He is so lonely in his superior self-esteem.

[@pokemont9989]

The vulnerable narcissist expects grand gifts and for you to pay for everything. Over time they’ll be more obvious about it and want more and more. It doesn’t matter what the relationship is either. They can be your parent and expect you to do everything regardless of your age.

[@AnimationByAl]

That’s interesting! I think you’re totally right, though I was about to disagree with you… because the vulnerable/self-righteous narc I was married to had only one opinion of every single gift I ever gave: “meh”. Grand gifts were meh, because it’s silly to buy and exchange gifts when we shared a checking account; surprise gifts were meh, because it inevitably turned out to be something they didn’t like; gifts from their list were meh, because it wasn’t a surprise. There were two situations in which gift-giving evoked any response other than “meh”. If it was a small thing, because money was (allegedly) short that year? Well, then the gift just reminded them how STRESSED they were about money and HOW could I be SO THOUGHTLESS (believe me, even in lean years, we had enough money to spare $10 or $20 on a small gift!). So eventually I tried to be a good partner, and hear what they were saying: gifts didn’t make them happy, so one year, I didn’t get them one. Needless to say, *that* just hurt their feelings! (Which was kinda funny, because by that point - like you said - I was expected to pay for everything, because unlike me, THEY were so rational as to be ABOVE such meaningless things as celebrations.) After typing all that out, I realized that you’re on to something. By the last few years of that marriage, every gift-giving occasion involved me asking what they wanted, and them basically saying that it didn’t matter, because it was All My Fault that I/we (allegedly) didn’t have enough money to get What They Really Wanted™️, which was the Dreamy Vintage Dream Car Of Their Dreams. (And, BTW, we *definitely* had enough money; I just didn’t learn that until the divorce when they were legally required to disclose all of their earnings.) I didn’t know vulnerable narcissism was a thing back then. Now that I know, I realize that I actually *did* always give them exactly what they wanted: an opportunity to demean, belittle, and hurt me.

[@susannesamuelsson2930]

No the reaction you get back is not what you expect at all! They can even be be angry and very ungreatful when you try to make them happy with a surprise housecleaning for Christmas. You have worked for days cleaning the house ( from top to bottom ) and windows. Putting up clean curtains and decorations for Christmas etc. When the person gets home from the hospital she says what a mess and this looks really bad! You have given them this despite your own bad health and you have walk that extra mile in anticipation to put a smile on their face! Not a good feeling...when you know you have done an excellent job!

[@kathleenmatteo6601]

Also if you show genuine generosity to a narcissist they will automatically think there are strings attached because that is how it is for them. There is never any normal, healthy reciprocity. And if you dare to point that out you will be met with “see, you did do it to get something in return”. You can never win. Ever.

[@davidhill5684]

My experience with giving presents to a narc has been truly appalling. Dismissal, in some form or other. Usually i would discover my present ( usually made by hand to my own design) left on the floor to be damaged, trashed. Pure contempt. Her typical response was a total absence of acknowledgement. Or to insult the gift by calling it " some piece of trash". Nasty!

[@cynthiajohnston9065]

I had a similar experience with my sisters. I had made expensive chokers for them in the 70s. One sister 30 years later made derisive remarks. This event let me know who she truly was. I no longer speak to any of my siblings by birth.

[@rubysilver3299]

Nothing has ever been good enough for for my narc ex. Gifts were disdained because they weren’t expensive enough. When I would invite him over to celebrate his birthday with our kids, when he left he would leave their cards and presents behind. Cold, angry, wounded soul.

[@alonzomosley7]

I bought an antique jewellery box for my ex I restored and gave it to her she put it under the bed .Just insulting every present wasnt good enough eventually I gave gift vouchers

[@marygifford9379]

My mother's gifts always conditional. She claimed control over how you used it, and how it was disposed of. In fact she saw everthing I ever owned as hers to control and redistribute. If she did you a favor or helped you, you owed her contol of you.

[@heidihgreen]

In my 50+ years of experience with narcissists, they view generosity, empathy, and trust as a weaknesses. How messed up is that!?

[@SmokieTheOne]

It is seriously hard to wrap my head around how messed up it is. It is beyond messed up.

[@KAT-dg6el]

One Christmas my sister opened the gift from me. Her response was, oh a sweater why would you think I needed a sweater? If I want a sweater I go out and buy one. She complained about anything I purchased for her. That was the last time I bought her a Christmas gift. My mom wasn’t any better. She just toss anything I bought her aside and it had nothing to do with the gift. It was because I was the scapegoat. She had to make sure she put me in my place.

[@DjJDtech]

give them an inch, next time they expect a mile. If you don't give them the mile then they act hard done to, accuse you of never doing anything for them etc. Something I have to deal with on a regular basis, but at least I know to expect it now

[@karlabritfeld7104]

Nothing is freely given from a narcissist. Every gift has strings attached. So when YOU give something or pay a big bill or pick up the check, they are immediately suspicious of your motives . So true!!

[@riddhidharaiya5032]

Very true.they always take advantage of your good qualities

[@TheQueensWish]

They sure do! I had a dear, dear photo of my friend and I from long ago when we were girls. I framed it and gave it to my friend. She promptly lost it and whenever I asked about it she would say it was lost and she could not find it. I regret not making a copy of the photo first. It was the only photo. How cruel of her to care so little for a special memento of our childhood. But that’s how they are. They don’t cherish or treasure anything. That friendship is now over. Don’t give these people heirlooms!! They will ruin it, lose it or sell it!

[@stephanielondono3383]

It’s uncanny how accurately you describe my ex partner in every way. Five years in a fog of confusion - the upside-down world! Found you after the discard, but boy your clarity soothes parts of my heart I didn’t even know were broken. Thank you thank you so much ❤

[@AM-cg2sg]

This is so true about my narc 85 year old sister. She hardly eats if you invite her to dinner! She insisted on paying her multimillioner son for half of the 30K walk-in bathroom remodel to accommodate her 92 year old husband! She refuses to move from her house to the building that her son has made on his property so they are nearby (she lives nearly 2 hours away) because 'I want my indendance'. And she complains about the gone-by days when 'everyone listened to me when I threw a fit'.

[@BushraJarallah]

They assume we have bad intentions or that we feel petty for them..and sometimes assume that what we offer them is their birth right and we are supposed to do it unlike them .. whenever they give something they think its huge and we should keep thanking them for it day and night

[@richdifeo7829]

I’ve watched almost every single one of your videos, and was not 100% sure that I had been dating a narcissist until this video. Thank you

[@istateyourname4710]

I flashed on my malignant narc father @ Xmas. EVERY gift was wrong. And, he had no problem shaming me and the gift to other family members. He even went so far as to ask them if they wanted the gift I had given him.

[@cc1k435]

My stepmother is definitely like that. Bring her flowers, even, and she pitches them straight into the trash because she says the cat might get sick on them. Everything else better have a gift receipt, which is also met with a sigh because it comes with the errand of returning something, and gift cards will have her insisting you just aren't trying hard enough. 🙄😂

[@carolkramer7775]

Spot on, Dr. Ramani! Thank you for this confirming video. I exhausted my "narcissistic supply" to my mother, as she did every one of the items you mention. all gifts were met with a "what's this gonna cost me, because I took the gift" attitude. She invited me to her place during COVID, first to help her, which help she denied. This turned into "I didn't want you to be homeless", as if living on my own for the past 30 years didn't count. Living with her during COVID, I ran out of my own financial resources, then she evicted me and turned it into "oh, I'm just helping her get started someplace else" as she gave me a lump sum to exit her life. I'm now no-contact, and starting over from scratch in another state. Your videos have been lifesavers. Thanks again!

[@cc1k435]

Going through that right now, trying to exit a narcissistic marriage. Moved into my brother's basement and now looking to get far away from HIM. Let's just say it makes a lot of sense now in hindsight why I once thought these two would get along. 😢

[@karlabritfeld7104]

She gave you a lump sum to get out of her house?? Geeze, what a deal.

[@karlabritfeld7104]

​@@cc1k435so everyone in your life is a narcissist? You do realize narcissists do not get along with other narcissists???

[@carolkramer7775]

@@karlabritfeld7104 As an "advance" from my portion of her Living Trust. She also gave me these "advances" while I was living there so I could cover my personal expenses. Thus, she never gave anything without strings attached and criticized all gifts that she received from me, or anyone else (covertly, of course). It was unsafe to leave the house, as I could never be sure that she would let me back in. I also feared for my cat's safety: she could have taken him to the animal shelter without my knowledge.

[@matia20440]

@@karlabritfeld7104 yeah... unless someone is elderly and being exploited, so, being beat at their own game. That in theory is awful. Now that I'm away from it all, I am letting go of the thoughts I had recently. I have been mourning the awful pain they must have felt in childhood. My grandma has always said, when mom was born and so on, I worshiped the ground she walked on. Before I left, I finally told her, you made a mistake. You cannot worship your kids. Equal parts love & equal parts dicipline, prepare them for life. I don't believe she treated my mom well. Mom's told me so much over the years and her stories never changed. Who knows what is true with these people?! Why am I even going there? None of them have every apologized. Not once, and my grandma the gaslighter still tries to twist the truth. Mom will admit she put my brother and I through hell, still she isn't remorseful. None of them make mistakes. I'm sad that I can't just let it go and after so many years. Maybe if they had to do prison time for the willful and careless disregard for human life I'd feel like I'd gotten some justice. They took my life, my inner voice is gone, I don't trust my own mind.

[@MCharlerySmith]

So many great examples here. Thank you, Dr Ramani. Always look for that element of disdain in the way they receive and "appreciate" your gift.

[@christophergrat6986]

I'm an artist. I make gifts for my family and friends. However, an ex narcissistic girlfriend was a different story. Giving her something I made meant (to her) I wanted something in return. I didn't. When ever we had a disagreement she would bring out her gift and say, "This doesn't mean anything anymore, I don't want it, you can take it back." I won't lie, it hurt my feelings. In the time I spent with her I stopped doing everything I loved, because it pissed her off. If my attention, focus and time was not on her, it was always a problem! I had artist block for years after that. So, I'd tell her, "It's a gift, I can't take it back, If it means nothing to you, then throw it away." She wouldn't for some reason and it always ended up back in my possession. We would be "separated" for a few days or a week, get back together...again... and she would ask where her gift was! The gift that she said she didn't want in the first place? The gift that meant nothing to her? I never made her anything again and when she complained about not getting gifts from me, I calmly reminded her, because "You don't appreciate them, they mean nothing to you." Which of course created another argument. I vowed never to allow anyone to keep me away from what I love! Art, hobbies, interests, family and friends. If someone has a problem with that, they are not in my life. I got out of my artist block and continued creating and giving gifts to the people in my life that appreciate it and love it. And we all know it's not out of expecting something in return why I make and give those gifts,...it's just out of love.💖

[@Seatonni]

❤️‍🩹

[@Aanframe]

The generosity of a simple compliment/praise has the same effect near them

[@pinkrainbow1]

I don't think they think we have an agenda. It's just that our willingness And the joy we get from helping them gives them a sense of power and control over us. They see how desperate we are to please so instead of acting grateful for our efforts They just demand and expect more without bothering with all that gratitude nonsense.

[@cc1k435]

I think they believe we DO have an agenda, simply because they seem to think everyone else thinks like they do. ❤

[@annjohnson8437]

My narcissistic husband never says thank you for gifts that our boys or I give him, but he expects them nonetheless. An example: our son gifted him a really nice recliner. Instead of being appreciative and saying thanks, his response was, "the chair is too small and narrow," and like a month later he dropped the chair off at my son's home while he was at work. If you don’t get him something for his b-day or other holidays (we've tried that too), he becomes sullen and angry for weeks. You cannot win.

[@genevalawrence801]

"You cannot win" sums up life with a narcissist.

[@lilianfowler7988]

Sullen and angry would be my choice.

[@smithavellanky3813]

This is my narc husband as well. My girls and I now know that since we can’t win there’s really no point in wasting our money over him. It’s easier to hear his rant about how we don’t care about him and just let it out the other ear.

[@lynncarter4964]

This finally explains EVERYTHING I was so so so confused about. THank you from the bottom of my heart. Never had I ever expeirenced worse and worse treatment, the nicer I was. I grew up in a nice family who knew what kindness and gratitude is, so I was in pain and huge confusion when a narcissistic person came into my life, and did all these things. I'd never been treated like that in my life.

[@josephpk4878]

A generous person is nothing more than prey, to a narcissist. Offers become requests. Requests become demands. Demands become a leash of complete control.

[@tenningale]

Never ever tell a narcissist how much money you make. They'll try to manipulate it out of you. My narc mom wants to know everybody's financial situation and gossips and lies about them. She is entitled and has a victim-bully complex. Better to let them lie that you're cold, distant, and uncaring (as she does) than let them have financial access to you.

[@marthajburns]

I've had a different pattern emerge with the narcissists in my life. Because what they give is gold and what I give is dross, my generosity is met with partial re-payment of what I have received from them. I can never break even in their internal ledger and so I get drained of giving until I can't anymore. This is proof to them of MY lack of generosity.

[@kryssysmith1486]

I am generous to a fault by nature, and I am (trying to work on that). Whenever it came to vice versa I NEVER SAW IT being reciprocated to me. When I told the narcissist that I was NOT THEIOR PERSONAL ATM machine, they gave me the silent treatment. So when I tell a person that I'm not their personal APM their reaction will tell me everything. If you're gonna get that petty over money it's not my problem. I realized that I was able to say NO and I stuck to it when it came to this aspect in particular. In the past it was so hard for me to say no, I still feel guilty for saying no sometimes but then I have to REMEMBER that IT'S THEIR PROBLEM NOT MINE!

[@teresadavis9557]

Thank you Doctor, your videos are great educational tools for the world. My niece is in the hands of a narcissist right now, she has been for the past 3 years. She has shut out her family because he’s supposedly teaching her about life and he’s the only one who “really” loves her. She’s only 19 years old and it’s breaking my heart. She has no idea of the mind games they play and the psychological mess and depression she’s going to go through. He’s already had her to co-signed on 2 different loans and she’s working 2 jobs. I pray for her because that’s all I know to do 🙏

[@carolkramer7775]

My thoughts and prayers for you and your niece's family. So hard to go through this.

[@genevalawrence801]

That's worse than just narcissism. That's the pattern of a predator.

[@joanna0988]

​@@genevalawrence801Yes this is quite severe abuse that often turns violent 😢

[@allieeverett9017]

Prayer is powerful, so don't stop.

[@blydnhvghn]

I am so grateful for how often you upload. Each morning I get ready while listening to one of your videos and it gets my thoughts geared in the right direction. Thank you for your commitment to educating / informing / helping to heal others❤

[@barryosullivan3428]

This video brings me back to the time of my GrandMother's funeral. I remember this as a particularly difficult year because my Mother had also passed away this year and I wasn't speaking to my Father. My GrandMother lived far away so we had to arrange accomodation while we were there. One of the neighbours kindly offred to put one of us up if we wanted. I accepted as I didn't want to be around my Father at the time. I'll never forget being in their house and my sister ringing me angrily asking me "Do u want people to think we're poor?!" I remember thinking later 'It's a funeral, unless I have nowhere to stay nobody is going to give a fig, they will simply care about the fact that our GrandMother has just died.'

[@TIOLIOfficial]

9:34 - "But don't expect that the reaction you're gonna get is healthy and normal". Wow.

[@aliyak4792]

Oh man, I’ve had this happen so often. One that comes to mind quickly is when my mom was so sick and in and out of hospital and had surgery, I ordered a shower chair for her. As soon as I told her, she lost it at me, hurling insults, getting angry. Glad I could stop the delivery and save my money 😂

[@zahra-es3vd]

They dont understand the meaning of generosity and kindness and they think you're stupid for helping them!

[@aprilfox1057]

Thank you, again, Dr Ramani. I have been shocked by how accurate your videos are, to the point I have said to myself ‘it’s like Dr Ramani has met my sister’. My sister has a policy of not saying ‘thank you’ or ‘sorry’, no matter what. She text me once to say sorry, but because she bought me a new phone which i did not want, she then deleted the apology. How can I have a twin sister, yet we are so very different.

[@lt827]

I learned the quid pro quo thing with my ex years ago. Somehow I worked hard at my corporate job every day but I was always reminded of some specific work he did three years ago whenever it was crunch time for him. Somehow my ongoing work mattered little and I was expected to hero worship what he did again and again. I have now learned I need to pay him for any work he does now that we are separated as it’s sooo painful to owe him favours.

[@paulis7319]

"maybe if you'd save your money instead of taking me out for breakfast, you'd be doing better instead of struggling financially" is a perfect example of my mom's attitude. She's said that almost word for word many times when I tried (past tense) to do something nice for her.

[@tiileeves6422]

I hear that same thing from my wealthy, entitled younger sister narc. She married a doctor and hasn't had to work in 40 years.

[@carolynjaynes9094]

“ No good deed goes unpunished.” They take and take and take. If I give money, they scowl and say they have their own money. If I don’t, they think I’m not giving them anything. I love that you said prickly. That’s the energy I feel from my Narc daughter. No contact has brought me safety and peace. Hardest loss ever. But it’s better this way. No one needs to be around someone who holds them in contempt.

[@cstars987]

"Stop trying to buy our love" is what we get for giving gifts

[@Matriarch57]

Gosh every time I watch your videos I get flashbacks. I had a habit on checking out sales when my son lived at home. It took a while for me to adjust after he moved out. I’d check out sales on men’s clothing. I came across an excellent sale and bought my person a couple of pairs of nice looking jeans that I thought he would like. I thought I would pleasantly surprise him. He went ballistic. “Don’t you EVER shop for me I buy my OWN clothes!” I was like……whoa! I never seen or heard anyone respond like that in my life. He didn’t touch them for months. After he was through his ego trip they became his favorite jeans. I never said a word about it. Come to think about it I stopped shopping. I never bought him a piece of clothing again. His response didn’t make sense to me until just now. I thought I insulted his pride, but what you said here makes more sense.

[@jeannedouglas9912]

This very down to earth podcast explains the reactions of narcissistic types so clearly. There is also a cruel response to a lovingly thought out gift and that is totally ignoring it. Like it never happened. Not even a smiley face text response. Zero. Which also can hurt to the quick of one's soul.

[@fionarevell5934]

It took me a long time to realise that there was always an agenda to her offers and that she thought there was to mine because I'm a naturally giving person and give people thibgs or help them with no agenda whatsoever

[@Addison-RN]

OMG You're spot on. The one In my life thinks there is a hidden negative agenda, assume something is wrong, or like you said they think its a "Now, its your turn"

[@paradisedot50]

First off, I just want to say I really love your videos on narcissism. We have all been screwed by them, haven't we? I am a generous and caring person. I was naive. At age 46 I was befriended by a new couple who moved into the neighborhood. Welp, did I learn. She turned out to be a narcissist. Her husband a sociopath (what a couple!!!). The bottom line = they destroyed my life. Then they just packed up and moved away...leaving me a letter bragging their asses off about how they had totally betrayed me. They love to do that, it turns out.. and have done so many times = wash, rinse, repeat. And, there are NEVER any consequences for them ever. They are truly wolves in sheep's clothing and always, always get away with it. That's the worst part about narcissists (and sociopaths which are worse!) = they always get away with it and leave ruined lives in their wake. Oh well. It's called life! Wake up and smell the narcissism and STAY AWAY!!!

[@SenSakura-dj6bq]

I think it is important to learn when generosity is genuine or has an agenda.

[@Mithras444]

That act of caring and generosity, turns into control from a narcissist!

[@danielreiss-cy4zr]

So true, so true! After many years I've learned that "funny" reception of gifts is all you need to know to back off.

[@Cleomauser]

Take advantage

[@sugarfree1894]

It makes them angry, ashamed, vulnerable and fearful. They fear they're going to be subsumed.

[@moniquejackson7741]

Brilliant. I hadn't really thought about how generosity can trigger suspicion and shame in a Narcissist.

[@itsmylife8164]

Generosity was one of my virtues...not any more I haven't received any Generosity from any narcissist I've been drained🥺 so much that I think twice before giving anything. ...listening to this video has opened my eyes, AGAIN 🤦🏻‍♀️😖

[@SuzannaLiessa]

Nauseated. Literally. I lived in a constant state of disappointment (mine) and disapproval (his). Now i understand why I always felt so bad about giving him gifts. He was very good at giving people, including me, gifts they enjoyed. We opened gifts on Christmas so you could watch someone open your gift and enjoy their reaction. There was always a lot of laughing and complimenting when somebody really hit the mark. We sometimes wrapped small gifts to disguise them. Two Christmases in a row, I spent a chunk of money on something he'd specifically asked for and got a "ho-hum" reaction. I wrapped one of them in a way we would always have enjoyed and I got a non-verbal "this is annoying and you are so stupid for doing this and it's Christmas etc." It was non-verbal, but everybody in the room got it loud and clear. Obviously no one was going to contradict him. We purchased gifts for the rest of the family together, so I was left feeling like I'd completely effed up. It took a lot of the joy out of the day. Now that I've identified this, it might be time to peel another layer of the onion and figure out if he’s the reason I hate Christmas.

[@ralucasanduofficial]

I bought my mom a Kettle for her birthday this year and she just raged at me that it is not something she needs. She ended up giving it away and she didn't even tell me to who or where. It crushed me in every way.

[@kathwyatt6814]

Me and the hub sometimes used to invite a couple of friends who didn't drive to ride along when we went for our big shop. One time we were going to a different supermarket - cue big strop and sulks because we weren't going to the place SHE wanted, implications we were "spoiled" and "lazy" and "flaunting our wealth" (ironic laughter). I said "well, we're going to Sainsbury's and you're welcome to come if you want to, ok 'bye." Long story short, she came along and spent far more than we did on fancy expensive items, and sneered at our "pretentiousness" for buying fresh fruit and veg, and basic store cupboard stuff. She didn't get invited shopping again, and we didn't stay friends much longer either.

[@baddy_tiara1782]

I had a narc ex who used to tell me that he never had a birthday party in his entire life. So on his 36th birthday, I got him a cake and presents as a surprise. It did nothing but activate his extreme rage.

[@notthatvashti8127]

The saying, ' it's the thought that counts' is like poking them in the eye. Superficial and snooty is their go to personality style and Dr Ramani is right, they have no problem letting you know that your gifts or thoughts are inferior.

[@sawdustadikt979]

This is great, I’ve had a couple more responses to doing things for others that really took me off guard was narcissistic injury, frothing at the mouth, screaming in my face outrage that I casually did this thing for them that I thought would be cool. That has happened multiple times. Also, love bombing, you know so I would do this kind of stuff all the time now? Invalidation and devaluing is the constant though, be it overt or covert for sure like you said here. However, cleaning up my side of the street as a people pleaser, I have realized I have toxic levels of selflessness. To the point I’ve realized that I have done very large acts of kindness and was very casual about it believing deeply in “being the change I would like to see in the world”. Like I had clue or something. I’m a middle aged dood that read LOTS of self help books since the nineties and they were all about that”toxic positivity” content from author to author. That stuff gets its hooks in deep to magical thinking scapegoats and the like.

[@blessedanswer2567]

Its a doorway to notice you as a generous or talented person and then you become their enemy. They then start forming strategies to smear campaign you. And they then position themselves to always try to overshadow you. Always accusing you of thinking you are better than everyone. Always mocking you, making jokes or the behind your back lies and slander attacks.

[@judyhogarth80]

What a great topic and your session has really helpful.I have a narcissist as neighbour. He moved I. 4 years ago with partner. I was delighted to have new people to coffee with. Then the pandemic and we did walks and coffee. He likes carrot cake soo made him cakes often and because they were new I took them u dear my wing and showed them the area and took them for lunch. 2 years ago he really shouted at me. It was if he had stability boredom. I really have no idea why he shouted at me, but since then I have not spoken to hi,.I don’t tolerate men shouting at me. It’s no acceptable. So my generosity was because I was being kind. I have now learned the lesson and seen the truth.

[@cc1k435]

Stability boredom of a narcissist is what has me starting over, 20+ years into a relationship. I kept thinking he'd see most adulting milestones aren't all that big of a deal to cope with...nope! He'd never quite step up to the task, every time. Now I'm a single mom of a teenager living like a college student, and it's still entirely preferable to having him back. ❤

[@MsMaureen1975]

Thank you Dr. Ramani. I didn't realize that the suspicion of generosity was a feature of narcissism. It explains a lot about some people I've had to distance myself from. I thought they were just ungrateful and mean spirited, but now I realize that something deeper was probably at work.

[@deborahnelson7907]

"They're gonna hate. That's what they do." You are so right!

[@jackrippper3389]

Money and generosity is such a tricky topic so I appreciate you talking about it.

[@cardinalflower6959]

The narc in my life was a great one for using people. What went on in his mind when someone was generous with him was something like: "Great! I'll work them so I can get more of this!"

[@nataliarebrova4694]

It makes so much sense now. It goes like a circle with my mother. She says that we never bring her presents. Then we ask her what she would like to get. She says: "I want nothing". Then if we bring her something she complains that it either not good enough or that she never wanted this thing and we get an earful for wasting money. If we don't bring anything than its a good half a year of complains that we were not thoughtful enough to bring her a little souvenir. And we are back to "You never bring me anything" in both cases.