What's Predictable About Narcissists, And Why It Matters

Narcissists like to think they are unique or special, when in fact, their patterns can be quite predictable. Psychotherapist Dr. Les Carter identifies some of the most common attitudes and behaviors of narcissists, then explains how you can sidestep the shame they want to place on you. It is important to know that you are a player on the stage with a narcissist, but the script is the same whether it is you or someone else on the receiving end of their messages.
Dr. Les Carter is a best selling author and therapist who lives in Dallas, Tx. In the past 39 years he has conducted over 60,000 counseling sessions and many workshops and seminars.
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[@AJ-jf2ui]

With a narcissist it's like walking on eggshells. You just never know when they are going to blow up and ruin your joy. They stress you out and rob you of your joy in life.

[@janeanderson7122]

A J they do not like it if you are happy or successful or get outside praise.

[@janeanderson7122]

A J Yes, the egg shell bit was part of my life for decades. Such an awful thing. I think the narcissist caused me to develop my sickness, which will. Ill me!

[@jenjem5810]

I feel as if I survived a hijacking. When a person is abducted, because they believed the Imposter was genuine, there can only be relief and joy and gratitude at being tossed aside by such a kidnapper. It doesn't matter if they let go of you, or if you escape their grasp. It might be a clever Separation by going to a gas station in refusing to leave the bathroom. It can be physically needing to be released from their clutches. However it takes place, the truth is, this was a chameleon imposter. They did their job well. Most of us try to go over a scenario and blame ourselves for not picking up on the signs. I recently retraced my steps to where I married my husband. It was just as perfect as I remembered 20 some years ago. He was just as perfect as I remembered 20 some years ago. They know a superior product when they see it. And they want it. The mafia has done this for years. The Mafia Kings Marry decent good women. They need that support. Many times these women never even knew what their husband did for a living. I feel a void now that I have been released from the clutches. And it's taking a lot to understand that, although a person might be shaken after being dropped off by their abductor, they need to snap out of it and run for safety. They cannot stand there in the middle of the freeway wondering why this person "didn't want to keep me" . We need to shake off the stupor. We need to go out and fill our lungs with fresh air. If you vomit, you do not stay there examining the vomit. You do your best to contain it and throw it away and cleanse yourself of whatever it was that made you sick. Often times, you no longer want to eat that very rich cheesecake perhaps that made you sick. You learn to wean yourself off of it! Play uplifting music. Stay away from things with romantic lyrics. Listen to Some Earl Klugh. David Benoit. It will get better. Laugh every day even if you have to find something extremely silly on the internet to make you laugh.

[@janeanderson7122]

A J so true. It was always something. I never was good enough. Not like what’s her-face at work, who was so perfect, and had a better neighborhood, better neighbors, plus she stroked his ego! Even people at his work talked about them acting like they were a pair. He was so high, he liked that! Really was over the edge, but he did have another problem. Some of you KNOW what that was.

[@brittanyg2529]

Yep and sometimes we are stuck with them for 18 years

[@hobi-1kenobi309]

Let's all repeat together: It's 👏 not 👏 about 👏 me 👏

[@estherdavis3075]

Hobi-1 Kenobi exactly i really need this my xmas ruined just by me narc demonic sister

[@patriciachristianson8986]

Thank you,Dr. Carter.I know the pattern well.You have to hide your happiness because they can't stand joy.Even peace drives drives them up the wall.Listening to your videos really helps me.Thank you again.

[@maryconway2828]

Thank you it really makes it easier to remove your emotions when you have this perspective 🎯

[@virginiafonacier8795]

It's not about me!

[@bronwyntanner4501]

yes yes yes

[@robynbrouckaert8304]

I've noticed they change the narrative as often as they need in order not to be accountable for their words/actions

[@marthaokelley9360]

And man, are they good at it.

[@McHrozni]

Yup. The very idea of an audio recording drives them insane :)

[@2okaycola]

everything they do is bc of you (except for their wins those are THEIRS ALONE) 🤣

[@kikyaaakun]

Just think about what he did make me irritated 😤

[@daniellegotheridge6406]

So true

[@kimberlydalessandro2156]

If they do something unusually kind beware. In time you'll find out exactly how it benefits them. Their gifts aren't freely given.

[@janeanderson7122]

Kimberly Dalessandro This is so true. They are just all about themselves . period, but can fake caring if it benefits them, and keeps the victim off-kilter.

[@Jen-hb3lp]

I could tell you 1,000 stories where it was basically “I’m taking your gift and leaving”. So gross.

[@raymondgarafano8604]

YUP, always a fish hook in there. Much easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle, than for a narc to ever be genuine and sincere.

[@maureenwoodard9588]

So true ! I’m with a malignant narcissist and he is dangerous

[@bluelight8996]

COMPLETELY AGREE!!!

[@janeteholmes]

The most important thing to know about narcs is you can’t win. There is no way to have a close relationship with them that doesn’t hurt you. Keep as far away as possible.

[@user-vr5fb7cm3o]

They are your enemy, even when they are acting nice. They use you while hoping you will suffer and fail.

[@Automaticman88]

Also don't show them your drugs...

[@aujkalenic4203]

I already have won when I discovered they were not my Creator, heeeeeehe

[@calebcarpenter421]

A STRANGE GAME. THE ONLY WINNING MOVE IS NOT TO PLAY.

[@Jezebel066]

I have chosen 3 narcissist in my life as a partner. I fall for the love bombing, I think bc I have daddy issues I didn’t realize until later in life. Abandonment issues. So I have a trail of failed relationships, so what is wrong w me that I choose these men??

[@linwilson2938]

I have finally started paperwork on removing myself from this pathetic human. It's almost 50 years I have put up with this. My biggest issue lately that haunts me is I have wasted my whole life thinking it was something I was doing to be treated like a doormat. Oh God where were computers and you 50 years ago! Thanks for all the hope and help you give.

[@mrs.reluctant4095]

You are not alone. I think all of us stayed too long with an individual like this. Some marry narcissist after narcissist, because they don't understand the whole pattern. Be kind to yourself.

[@melisherwood9734]

lin wilson It was a long time for me as well, but we do what we can with what resources we have. Forgive the narc and forgive yourself. Bless every present moment you have free of abuse.

[@linwilson2938]

@@melisherwood9734 Yes, I will forgive him someday but not ready now. I have more healing to do first.I try not to hate him because I know he is broken. This is horrible . I will be ok and I can not WAIT to be free and feel what it is like not to have this misery around me anymore.Thanks for your kind reply.

[@melisherwood9734]

lin wilson I wish you much happiness! It was many years of emotional turmoil for me as well. I was going to leave him when he became very ill with cancer; as always, I pushed through the impossible and took care of until the end.

[@june4033]

I understand what your saying. Been married to one for 45 years. I have wasted my whole life on this relationship. Hope one day I can leave too.

[@adelie8136]

I replayed the part where you said, "When they're mean, it's not about you," because I really needed to hear that. Thank you for your videos!

[@itsallgravy7]

Amen

[@kellyj4716]

Same I’ve watched this video everyday for the last month multiple times a day

[@loris4142]

When I learned that it wasn't about me, it was the beginning of a whirlwind learning process. I grew soooo much. Found my self-esteem. And finally left. His flying monkeys have been grounded. They are my friends now...they barely tolerate him & only out of pity. He is now a homeless drug addict with little to no supply.

[@alisonlove5144]

same here.

[@ashleywallace5755]

Whew chile 👏🏽

[@Lovelife20004]

The relief of realising what's happening and being able to protect yourself is scary but a huge relief.

[@julianolan2860]

Big thanks from here in Australia. So helpful to focus on dignity and respect.

[@truartist5379]

Yes it is

[@taniesha945]

Yes. Oh my god. Thank you. It feels so good to be able to relate, as opposed to just experiencing it alone

[@ashleycurrwun4473]

Yes, she’s a few tears of sadness but suddenly you find you are no longer shaking in fear. You wake up and you can breathe

[@rachelsimbhu4383]

Yep ! Seriously !

[@Tarsarian]

My biggest problem with a bad narcissist is how draining the relationship is.

[@karlakt8285]

Tarsarian I aged 8 years in a 2 year relationship with a manipulative narcissist. Took me one of those years to get away from him. They are the most dangerous kind of human.

[@gailremp3628]

The true understatement of the day...

[@gailremp3628]

Karla Kissiah-Teal totally get it..24 years with a narcissist and then moved down to be with mom since she was older and needed help. And-she was a forever narcissist. So I look like I've aged about 176 years in the last 30. So just hang in there. Be kind to yourself. Forgive yourself. And know that you did the very best that you could can do at that particular moment. That is the heart of PTSD therapy. And the rest of it is moving your mind, your body and your soul to a safe place so when you get those little twitches of guilt you transfer it and get rid of it. You will be OK I promise you. And if not, we'll get together and drink bloody Mary's. How does that sound?

[@karlakt8285]

Gail Remp I’ll take mine without the celery, please! :)

[@ladennayoung2939]

Because there is no relationship with them of any kind. It is all about them.

[@Liberty-yp8ux]

Dealing with a narcissist can make you feel like you’re a narcissist. It’s an non ending cycle that rubs off on you Trying to just survive it

[@stevedyches4635]

Narcissism often begets narcissism. I've recognized it in myself. It comes from years of being abused by another narcissist, usually the parent(s). As a way of coping and self-preservation. It can kill one's spirit causing them to become jaded, seemingly uncaring and stoic. Victims tend to become at least somewhat narcissistic. Wanting their needs and desires to be met for a change after years of neglect and dis-satisfaction. I'm not as bad as I was. Once I became aware of my Self and traced the cause of many problems from my past back to my self-serving and indulgent ways I wanted to change for the better. I realized how many people I hurt as well as my self. Being a bachelor all my life made it easy to focus on myself mostly. Solutions are often simple, but not always easy. A narcissist can change. They just don't usually want to. To change is the same as admitting there is something wrong with them. Their foolish pride won't allow that. It takes a severe consequence to cause them to merely consider such a thing.

[@candywarmuth2455]

OMG, totally. But a narcissist would never think they are one.

[@stevedyches4635]

@@candywarmuth2455 If I may suggest they are more likely to deny it and/or justify it and desperate to hide it, if and when they become aware of what they are. They certainly don't like to be identified or exposed as a narcissist. They know they are flawed and are ashamed for it.

[@TiffTheTyrant]

Liberty 22 I totally agree. when I broke up with the narc I was very concerned about if it was actually ME who was the narcissist. That’s how much he had manipulated and blamed me that I actually started to believe all the things he told me. He was always forcing me to apologize for everything and took zero responsibility for anything. Thank god I found the strength to stand up for myself and leave after 10 months. Nobody needs that. Yuck.

[@coffee4dayz19k4]

That’s called ‘narc fleas’..... it makes you question yourself even more once you’ve left.....

[@miladydewinter8551]

They are actually the dullest most boring people ever when you get past the superficial smokescreen. There's absolutely nothing of interest to them because they have only 1 interest which is themselves. Any other subject at all bores them. I've noticed they normally detest children and animals as they take attention away from them. They will pretend to like them but be viciously cruel in private.

[@evewhite6441]

This is so true!

[@kristenbrown4526]

Omg. This statement is spot-on! Totally accurate! I'm copying and pasting it into a text to myself.

[@marclee1657]

So true... Animals smart enough to recognize deez ppl... Moreso than us humans... 🐕

[@crsh2007]

That makes so much sense, because I’m always told that I’M the ‘boring’ one 🤷🏻‍♀️🤔

[@darrinkemp1755]

You're right. Of they were actually interesting they probably wouldn't be narcs.

[@kimlarsson7259]

Narcissists are unfair. Being unfair is a central part of their lifestyle.

[@kamaliancirranoush1916]

True. To be a narcissist is to be highly disagreeable. Those who are highly disagreeable view a 50/50 exchange as extremely unfair to them. To them “fair” is more like 70/30 or worse, 100/0 and then still guilt trip you over their “kind and fair” treatment of you. I’ll pass lol.

[@kimlarsson7259]

@@kamaliancirranoush1916 The injustice is most notable i conversations. The narcissist thinks it's natural to talk 95% of the time, ignoring, Interrupting etc. When you want to have your share of space, you are considered to be rude and self centered lol It's disgusting. "Can't I even say one word!?" the narcissist sobs....

[@oklahomaisok]

My mother in law told me that life wasn’t fair & I’d just have to accept his behaviors, stay married to him to raise the child after I told him 8 years down the road how he was treating him. When I finally divorced him 3 years later she tried playing on my sympathy telling me he was so upset he was having stomach cramps & having to run to the bathroom all day. It was one of those “Well life’s not fair is it?” Moments right back at her.

[@tiffanyjohnson1676]

Very.

[@vals74]

Well said! To the narcissist: Advice=Criticism Disagreement=Condemnation Logic=Argument Peace=Attack Love=Hatred They are very disillusioned individuals, that should be considered dangerous to anyone’s mental health.

[@Tiamoya23]

Facts!!!

[@ChauntelleARussell]

AMEN TO THAT SISTER!

[@wendym1256]

PREACH!! SO WELL SAID! 👏👏

[@westcoastpicker167]

Absolute truth!

[@victoriabell2447]

Damaged my mental health! Is my daughter and welds her power to control if I see my young 3 grands. So I can’t avoid and I do love her,not her behavior...

[@LibsRockU]

Real dialogue happens when BOTH parties communicate, not one! Narcissists have no interest in your feelings, YET you must be interested in theirs.

[@maplelassuk]

coldflame oh how absolutely true! Sadly...

[@LibsRockU]

@Nickhead87 It seems to me that language itself is an abstraction interpreted, and really, everything we experience is interpreted. Some people expect & demand that this fluid evolution must be made concrete. I could not disagree more yet even still, it MIGHT NOT be a bad effort, just don't screw up my life while you're attempting it. ...But I have met far too many of these types who will abuse whatever awareness they think they have. So I have learned to protect myself, and sometimes offense is better than defense.

[@faithabovefear1172]

So true, my favorite line was, " you love to talk & never like to listen".

[@freethinker4596]

Absolutely True

[@neuroticgypsy]

He treated me as if basic respect, empathy and compassion was TOO much of a burden on his shoulders. He truly could not offer this to me. It blows my mind.

[@sherrymathson1220]

It's unbelievable to me as well...I was in shock at his behavior during conflict from the beginning, & 6 yrs later it's no better, perhaps worse, he has no emotional control & I finally left a year after googling his behavior & bam, it's like utube docs know this man...I never knew such...this site saved my soul...out 5 mo & still sorting through the mess & the many abuses I wasn't even really aware of...it's a long road back to me but I am getting there! We will make it & create a good life, they never will, not capable...

[@somelivesdontmattersldm8776]

Narcissist will not let you talk they always interrupt

[@demingfan1]

#somelivesdontmatter sldm but not a people who interrupt are narcissists. I have ADD and NOT interrupting is something I’m always working on in relationships.

[@crystalwaters3471]

That's so agrivating when he would do that. 😵😵😵😵😵

[@ramonguzman475]

Don't talk while I interrupt!!!!!! Ahhhhhh!!!!!!!!!

[@nunyabusiness1637]

Word. And if you ignore them, they get louder.

[@TiffTheTyrant]

Nunya Business And when they interrupt you so much and start yelling that you get frustrated and accidentally raise your voice to tell them to stop, then they all of a sudden get calm, and say ‘well I’m in control of myself. I’m not yelling. Look at you! You have no respect for me otherwise you wouldn’t be raising your voice...’ absolutely CRAZY making.

[@davidthomas6807]

I loved a narcissistic woman for 42 years. It nearly destroyed me. To get out I lost all my assets and assumed all her liabilities. At first I lived often on the corner of the roof rather than in the house with this contentious woman. Now I live utterly alone in the wilderness. It’s better here. Her criticisms are like a constant dripping indoors on a rainy day and restraining her is like holding the wind in your hand. Like the man says, it’s all the blame on me. Her faultfinding has never ended, and was always expanding into new realms. I’m trying to rebuild my life at age 62 and recover what dreams I had when I was young. Dreams she crushed as she emasculated me bit by bit. But it’s a lonely road.

[@ruthjones5557]

David Thomas I grew up in a narcissistic family and this was the time I felt the most lonely. I now understand what it means to say that one can feel lonely in a crowd because feeling connected depends on the quality of relationship one has with others. After I left home at the age of 18 I lived mainly alone but never felt lonely, and this is because I began to rebuild my life by hanging around with healthy minded people. To me, there is no place more lonely than in a relationship with a narcissist. I hope in time you find your loneliness is replaced with a life more fulfilling than you could ever have imagined. Sending you my best wishes 🤗

[@integrityisnotforsale1531]

David Thomas ....61 and now trying to heal from, it seems, a third narcissist, which was the worst in terms of deception and purposeful manipulation as he was so covert. He clearly knew which buttons to press to have me believe he was deeply connected to me and we were planning an exciting new life together....it was all a ruse to get what he wanted and so insulting when I defended myself. He was drunk once and said “I couldn’t sleep last night thinking about all the people I’ve wronged”. Asking him about it when he was sober, he denied he said it. I must attract them....they are so cruel and do not seem to have real feelings...how can someone act so lovingly when it’s not sincere....so sad...such a waste of life....I wish you a happy, loving and peaceful life...which we all deserve....🤗

[@crusader2.0_loading89]

Im going through this right now, losing everything and that hurts even more than her leaving me

[@miladydewinter8551]

David Thomas OMG - my grandmother AND mother were the same. Ruined lots of lives. Evil.

[@elgieswift3498]

David Thomas, It's hard to start over at this age but being content alone is better than in the cycle of abuse of a narcissist.

[@snowbird9660]

Oh yeah!...they’re “special” alright, but not the way they think.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Spot on. Dr. C

[@patriciaearley4177]

Dealing with this guy was like going around in circles.Nothing could get discussed let alone worked out.Aways in a state of Limbo😬😶

[@oklahomaisok]

Round and round we go….exactly

[@tiffanymckimmey2240]

Yesss!! Never ending cycle I’ve been in for 13 years! Finally getting free!!

[@mistylynn111]

They are predictable and have a grandiose delusional image of themselves.

[@angelahagerman5693]

Yeah, they do Audrey...Mine use to look at his reflection when we would get fast food if there was a window big enough..He would purse his lips and move his head around to make sure if anyone was looking they would get his best...HAH...I never said anything to him because then he would curtail what he would do next and I loved it when my narc would make a show...

[@yoyoda67]

And dont fool yourself, they will never change!

[@Robidu1973]

@@laryneskridge-williams7200 Oops... that surely sounds like a genuine megalomaniac!

[@larrytruelove7112]

Narcissists think it’s their job to keep you humble.

[@ritaalamanou6611]

Yes, that is so right and I am married to one. Thank the web I have just discovered who I have been living with all these years.

[@larrytruelove7112]

Rita Alamanou I’m so sorry to hear that. All of us have a little bit of narcissism in us. Given enough encouragement, we can get more self centered all the time. Convincing a narcissist to seek help seldom works. I didn’t know enough about the subject to keep them out of my life. I have always known a few individuals who were so certain of their competency they would try to run everyone else’s life. A couple that I knew were very competent in certain areas. But other narcissists that I knew left destruction behind them.

[@johnk4934]

I need that reminder; especially on the days it hurts the most to think and feel it isn't something I do need.

[@joannajohnson696]

That is so true.

[@elyse3332]

So true! When I asked my mother in my adulthood why she never said she was proud of me for anything, her response was exactly that-I didn't want you to get prideful but keep you humble.

[@michaelpines4448]

They all appear to have the same characteristics, having had to deal with such people over the years, I’ve realized the worst thing you can do is try to reason with them, don’t interact with them.

[@gigiw.7650]

Here's something that has helped me on the way to healing. Q- quit T - taking I - it P - personally. Not easy at first, but with practice, it becomes more natural. Y'shuas peace y'all 💖

[@user-zp1sr8kn6k]

Gigi, you reminded me of a "friend" being condescending to me then telling me not to be offended. I simply said I'm surprised (left out I was trying to understand what caused her to say such things). Then after she said I shouldn't be offended I told her I've had lots of practice at not taking offenses as offenses. Later in my church I was able to tell a large group, DON'T BE OFFENDED to all their relationship problems and it helped them as I had been helped. Thanks for sharing Gigi, it brought back memories of overcoming tough situations.

[@goodgracious6364]

also ..... G=Get A=Away F=From T=Them!

[@keariewashburn4680]

I like your comment!😊 I will definately remember QTIP lol 😂

[@chrissemenko628]

​@@goodgracious6364 And... S =STAY A= away F= from T=them.

[@nancyfrix6858]

Absolutely anything every move they make, has an ulterior motive.

[@SandriaGuest]

Nancy Frix I never imagined I’d see this but here I am.

[@billyg.2677]

Yup

[@freeto9139]

Sometimes there are ulterior motives, not always. Ideally there is discernment, knowing actions of ourselves, and others have consequences for which there is responsibility.

[@mimihoffy]

Nancy Frix this has been my experience, indeed. Completely predictable.

[@johnk4934]

Nancy & Sharon, I learned more about myself when I looked at the B&W thinking, (all or nothing thinking) and realized in my language I was often doing it myself. It wasn't a "they" / she thing, it was a 'me too, so do I' moment. Stoics from the Roman empire times, with war and upheaval, came to they could only control their own thoughts and actions. I'm working towards that...and it's getting me farther than critiquing her. She may never change. I no longer hope for it, I don't expect or need it. Okay, I'm not fully *there*, I still want it. But someday, I won't, and then I'll be healed and maybe that change will help her get healthier.

[@julieankhan.2801]

What's predictable with narcs is that they will without fail blow up the relationship as soon as your onto them. Or question them/their motives.

[@Winterreise189]

Oh hell yeah, they'll send you some giant text chain about all these lies about how you're not giving enough, not mature enough, not understand enough, that YOU'RE the problem and they have done nothing wrong and you're a miserable, horrible person in the relationship that is "not ready for a real relationship", how they feel like they're your mother/father because apparently you can't look after yourself and they don't want to do it. This is all things I was told when I paid all the bills, did all the house work, all the cooking all the looking after the pets etc. I did EVERYTHING for her and I got told I was the complete opposite of how I was actually acting. And I believed it again and again until I said enough was enough and to get the FUCK out of my house. If you run into a narcissist. NO CONTACT, DELETE THEM/BLOCK THEIR NUMBER, FORGET THEY EXIST

[@oldiesfyre8591]

Very very true

[@oldiesfyre8591]

Absolutely true

[@johnhamilton286]

This is so damn true! My ex girlfriend, mother of my kids, as soon as I discovered her true self, narcissism, she became a monster, I mean a straight up absolute monster! It was a emotional rollercoaster ride that killed me. Everything was my fault, I was always wrong, nothing I did was good enough.

[@nickiemcnichols5397]

I leave these people alone. They don't need me anyway, and I certainly don't need them. They suck the life out of others.

[@Chae_shay]

I'm coming to this video for the same reason everyone else is, but I can't help but crack up at the sheer frustration in these comments hahahahahaha. It really helps me understand that I'm not crazy.

[@rbthompson3]

It's incredible how they treat you horribly by cheating, lying, blaming, etc but want revenge because you woke up and want nothing else to do with them. It's like the child who gets mad because you wouldn't let them make up the rules of the game. Or you quit the game altogether. These are severely emotionally and spiritually underdeveloped people if you can even call them people. They're more like monsters in human form.

[@eleanorde-hayes7760]

A very uneasy game! www.amazon.com/dp/1077357990/ref=cm_sw_em_r_mt_dp_U_yVPpDb4FTJY9M

[@sharonkobialka518]

Big shock huh?

[@floridagirl5250]

Tell it!

[@princhipessa1969]

Thompson Family truth !!! Do they even remember all the crap that comes out of their mouth?

[@kimlarsson7259]

When I said no to my sister and ended her abuse, she lost her mind and was terribly pissed off. She continued to punish me in several ways, but she herself didn't even care about the law, or me....

[@dalemurray4083]

In an argument I once demanded that a narcissist name ONE time she had ever admitted to being wrong about something, After a brief pause, She said "I was wrong to ever trust YOU". Looking back, it's hilarious, at the time it was just frustrating.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Classic. Dr. C

[@yoyoda67]

Textbook response.

[@daniellewatson9969]

Stupid bitch. She'll get hers. They become old, lonely, embittered @ssholes.

[@carribgirl007]

That was funny how you said it. They are bullshitters for sure.

[@amiblueful]

I have a similar one. When he demanded that I do more for him I asked him what he ever did for me. A brief pause and then...."I LET you clean." (He didn't like me doing household chores....nor did he want to do them.) And yeah, looking back it IS hilarious.

[@yasgym]

i'm waiting for that time when Narcissism will be a legally classified crime.

[@judybunch160]

Avocadolove it is Mental Abuse

[@venomagent76]

Like homosexuality

[@captainchippie4454]

You don't think that could set a dangerous precedent? Use your head dude.

[@beastvicious8672]

Criminalizing people who have done no crime. You sound like antifa, they have the same mindset.

[@dirkusmaximus9268]

Avocadolove will never be, but WE NEED SENSIBILISATION ! Let them marry themselves !!!

[@RemnantVoice7]

I was married to one for nearly two decades (unaware that I was with a covert narcissist). I escaped but began to second guess myself and returned. Returning was the WORST MISTAKE of my life. The short period of the reconciliation was worse than all of the previous years COMBINED!! I was able to escape again and this time I'm NOT going back!!

[@sebastianverney7851]

narcissists are exhausting. i like your talk. thank you.

[@kimvannote5024]

They are arrested developmentally - emotionally. Very hurt, angry, sadistic, malicious, vindictive, passive-aggressive and rebellious children. They feel powerless and helpless and still under the control of the original abusers and project that onto everyone. Every one represents their original abusers. They're stuck in it at the point of when they were traumatized, because they had no allies to protect them or stand up against the abusers. They are looking at you through the eyes of that very traumatized and abused child in them and they don't trust any one. It makes sense that they wouldn't, but you can't deal with them - they are extremely destructive people.

[@Peace-tk3gr]

Narcissism is a spectrum. There are degrees of this disorder. Know what the red flags are and keep solid boundaries. Some people go 'no contact '. In my situation I have reduced the amount of contact. Also, forgiveness is important - not for them, but for you.

[@maplelassuk]

Sheryl Ross-Adams Halstead this is so true. I have had to detach myself, I'm polite but can't enter in to anything with the 2 in my life. It's helped me to learn from this video, and all the comments, they affected my mental health so much.

[@june-mariehamilton5455]

How do you forgive someone who has ruined your life and fully intends to continue doing so?

[@caffrey1100]

June-marie Hamilton you have to but you don’t hv to deal with them ever - and then you rebuild 💥💥💥💥

[@roymadison5686]

Forgive to release the poison within you they have built up , once free then have firm boundaries and distance yourself. Have CHrist and the gospel as a shield. With understanding comes wisdom.

[@laurawhitaker1797]

June-marie Hamilton I agree. Rather than forgive him, which I cannot do, I am working on not being angry with him by accepting that I cannot change the past and him along with it. All I can do is move forward and rejoice that I have created the independence to do so.

[@Dan-ud8hz]

“You don't understand anything until you learn it more than one way.” ― Marvin Minsky

[@lorrieswan8568]

Is that why I am on the edge of bat sh.. crazy? I need to be on my own for a while to clear the cobwebs out of my head then. Thank you for this.

[@valerieparker2242]

@@godzillamanstreb524 Me too. So does Assclown!

[@janeanderson7122]

wish I would have known all this 50 years ago, but he was sort of tolerable at the beginning, and I was used to a narcissistic male, my mother’s brother, an thought my narcissist was normal big-head male.

[@Sojourner927]

Look up gaslighting. That causes psychological problems/ bat sh#t crazy. The longer you stay in the harder it will be to fix yourself.

[@Nancy-yw1rr]

And wouldn't a narc hate being called predictable!

[@sherrim4067]

Oh yeah, it's the bad behavior that's predictable, I had to lower my expectations. I fully agree with you.

[@Mickeyj26]

Especially if you said to them they are so predictable that they are boring......watch the rage come to the fore in a split second!

[@dianem2136]

Oh, my gosh yes! I called narc out on his predictability, and he did not react, until a few days later, in a veiled comment about SOMEONE ELSE ("daughter") saying to him, "...I knew you were going to do that..."., and he said he quit talking to her.I know he was referring to ME calling him out on BS just a few days before. He does this quite frequently (veiled comments/threats)...PREDICTABLE!!! LOL

[@kirstenricho]

Nancy L yep thats why I always tell mine he is

[@justdawndb]

@@Mickeyj26 I had to laugh at that, because I can see the explosion!

[@maryrichardson6029]

"It's Not About You" Very Hard to take. NO CONTACT . NO CONTACT.

[@yurizafurizaki5574]

"Narcissists can be illogically defensive." this is so true. One time, he said something, i don't remember what it's about, but I wasn't aware that i was being lengthy in my response, because that's what I normally did with everyone else and nobody complained. But somehow, he got offended by my response and said, "what are you talking about? Sounds like you're trying to teach me." I wasn't. I was just simply telling him my mind about something he said. I was taken aback by his response. Why would he take it that way. It's just a normal conversation, people can be wordy sometimes to get their points across.

[@francinesmith8109]

They think they're superior and all knowing and cannot possibly be taught anything at all.

[@yurizafurizaki5574]

@@francinesmith8109 true. they obviously need plenty of lessons. They lack wisdom.

[@ashleycurrwun4473]

Yes. Constantly defensive. About everyday normal things.

[@hobi-1kenobi309]

These vids are SO VALIDATING. And they're also helping me so much in my interactions: I can observe what is going on and can handle the conversation accordingly without walking away from it feeling confused and/or intimated. It's empowering. Thank you!

[@joannajohnson696]

I am at the end with a narcissist. It is an unlivable situation. I have never been so unhappy in my life.

[@katherineshaw1]

If what you say is true, then your narc is still controlling you! Forgive yourself and move on!

[@christinebeames2311]

J Alexandria do not give him power over your happiness , you made the decision to leave , so well done , you are not responsible for him , xx

[@deborahday1786]

They thrive on making people who love them, miserable. It’s almost the only thing that seems to give life to their emptiness.

[@yoyoda67]

Best of luck breaking away...

[@joannajohnson696]

. Thank you for your kind words & thoughts

[@newshoundbc]

I recently befriended a narcissist. din't know until a little while into the relationship. The most difficult and overwhelming experience was asking a personal question. The reaction, (always reaction) was being very defensive, taking control of the narrative, ARGUMENTATIVE, ARGUMENTATIVE. Mostly in ready defense mode, they use rationalization, justification to argue their case, Generally illogical.

[@kyliegoodman6455]

The narc I am trying to separate from is always argumentative. You know...constantly taking the opposite side of whatever I present. Also is very extreme in thinking..."you either really love me or you hate me"...no in between for them.

[@ursulasmith6402]

Get away from that person.

[@jamesgazin9447]

I'm curious as to what question you asked. Have you considered that he might have considered your relationship too casual for the level of intimacy you were reaching for? There are things I'll talk about openly with a real friend that I would not consider sharing with a co-worker.

[@francinesmith8109]

@@jamesgazin9447 not what she's saying and you know that. Narc...

[@laurenholly1849]

Oh yes! The personal question, no matter how innocent, is always unwelcome!

[@dabuya]

I thank God for the clinical psychologist that rescued me from an 17-year marriage to a destructive narcissist. It’s amazing how one begins to believe the false reality of the narcissist to which he or she is married. Even though I’ve long since moved on in life, I find your descriptions and explanations reassuring and therapeutic.

[@ruthjones5557]

What I notice most about the narcissist is that they can abuse you and then blame you for causing them to abuse you. So the victim becomes the perpetrator of abuse. They go on to perpetuate the blame by gossiping with others behind your back, turning your friends and loved ones against you. They play the victim so well and easily garner empathy and support from others whilst simultaneously portraying you (the real victim) as the evil wrong doer, or in my case the black sheep of the family. It’s like one big drama on a stage where the narcissist controls the script and each actor is controlled into playing the part expected by the narcissist. That said, there is a solution that not even the narcissist can control in this situation and that is you can exit the stage, remove yourself from the play and leave the theatre 🎭 and the masks behind. You can’t be controlled if you refuse to be in the play. The narcissistic drama is all about them and “not about you” 👏👏👏

[@kristabell5107]

It took me about 48 years to truely grasp “it’s not about me”. Feels good.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Yes, it feels good to find freedom. Dr. C

[@GoogleIsAPieceOfShit2023]

Same here. That’s not my guilt to take.

[@michelleblackwell2884]

My narcissistic husband is draining! He’s like a vampire stealing my joy!

[@michaelmisanthrope]

kzbin.info/www/bejne/nHLZmJWpl8uarqc This might become your theme song as you make a move towards liberty. I wish you peace,love, happiness, and joy to you and joy to the world.

[@lizchurch8679]

Leave

[@thekatt...]

Life is too short to waste it being unhappy. Unfortunately I wasted 20 yrs, but now, life is beautiful and no one can ruin another day for me. Spread your wings and fly my dear !!!❤️❤️❤️🇨🇦🇨🇦🇨🇦

[@gusmonster59]

I agree with other here - leave. Don't waste anymore of your time with that asshole. He can't change and will continue to take it out on you. If he is violent, call a women's shelter and just go.

[@kholoudaladel9896]

I'm so glad I ran away before it was too late! You feel that they have all the energy in the world to play with your mind in an evil way! Above all, they have zero empathy or remorse which is dangerous....

[@LL-eg4er]

When we first met, I asked him how many relationships he had, he said there were many... and I thought it would be different with me! Good to know it was never about me, I was merely the next player on his stage. I said “was”, as I left the stage.

[@oscarwilliamson1128]

L L,You don’t need a narcissist in your life…

[@_ladybird]

I managed to leave a narcissistic husband after 9 years (and 1 child). He was mentally abusive too. Made me feel worthless and acted like I didn't exist. He was also a pathological liar and wrapped everyone around his little finger. It was incredibly hard to break away from him. All his lies slowly unwrapped over our time together and I worked out he wasn't who he said he was and he turned on me, becoming physically abusive and having no respect for me as a woman or as the mother of his child. Even through our divorce he tried to control me and even bully my solicitor. He spun lots of lies as to why we broke up and I know they're not true, but I'm in a happy state of mind where I no longer care what he said about me to others. They need to see through him too.

[@targetedtruthergirl6726]

HI, WOW I AM SO SORRY. I AM STILL MARRIED TO A CRUEL MONSTER NARC AND CANT LEAVE DUE TO MY CIRCUMSTANCES BEING VERY SICK, NO INCOME, CAN'T WORK AND HE TURNED EVERYONE AGAINST ME SO NOBODY WILL HELP ME. I AM ALONE, REJECTED, NEGLECTED IT SEEMS LIKE HIS NEGLECT IS TO TRY TO HURRY ME UP TO DIE. HE IS SO EVIL AND CRUEL. HE IS NOT THE MAN I MET. I FEEL HOPELESS. I AM REACHING OUT TO OTHERS IN HOPES OF MAKING FRIENDS SO I DON'T FEEL SO ALONE AND LOSE MY MIND FORM ALL THIS ABUSE AND ISOLATION. I HOPE TO HEA BACK FROM YOU. I AM SORRY YOU WENT THROUGH THIS AND I AM HAPPY YOU GOT AWAY OH HOW I WISH I COULD. TAKE CARE

[@nickyc1784]

Yep only nice when they are getting something out of it. Will do anything and everything to benefit them and no one else. Very mean at times. Lie a lot.

[@juneburns1565]

Spot on !!

[@marie-rosedaly4234]

they attack verbal and physical Dangerous!!

[@karenmyers3444]

Compulsive liars!

[@laurenholly1849]

Yep, sweet as honey, luring you into the role they want you to play. But would flatly deny they are doing that!

[@caffrey1100]

Lauren Holly yep difference is we see now and that’s a good thing as most we learned the hard way -

[@USNBLUE]

Basically the Narcissist thinks he is God, himself and should be treated as such. Then reality kicks in and the Narc goes into a rage of anger because they just realized YOU don't worship them.

[@byhearingandhearingby6746]

Orphan wow. my ex literally went in a rage one day after i was trying to communicate With him about our faith...when he screamed "I AM GOD TO YOU!" my jaw dropped...

[@USNBLUE]

by hearing and hearing by exactly. Frightening when you start becoming aware of the fact - HE IS SICK. He has disease called Narcissism.

[@hotnexxx]

The irony isn't lost on me 😒

[@hotnexxx]

Orphan when I asked myself why some people have a personality disorder, I started to see the truth! It's stranger than fiction!!!! 🙃

[@godswarrior1239]

True that!

[@Dan-ud8hz]

“The snake which cannot cast its skin has to die. As well the minds which are prevented from changing their opinions; they cease to be mind.” ― Friedrich Nietzsche

[@rohithreddy75]

The problem is its pathological or genetic.

[@TheFiown]

His mother and his aunt took me aside and told me to get out, to run, they said that he was Dangerous, his mother was terrified of him, at 14 he looked 20 and acted accordingly, he was over 6 feet and was a judo champion so could really hurt people physically. A few months into our 'relationship' I went into his atelier to tell him he had a phonecall ( I was told never to enter it ) and on leaving I saw behind the door a patchwork of magasine photos of women who looked just like me, pale sking dark hair blue eyes and I realised that he had gone shopping for his 'ideal woman', I felt like a thing, it was horrible, but I stayed, I still felt that I was the only person who understood him. When I was 19 I was drugged, taken to a mans home, beaten and violated and he told me that I was going to be abused by his friends then cut into pieces ( yup ! ). I pretended to be out of it during the whole thing and when he fell asleep drunk I escaped naked into the night and had to live with that but the five years with the Narcissist felt worse because he violated my head and my heart. He only took, never gave.

[@TheFiown]

@John Chrysostom Are we ever safe ? He took my best years and the damage cannot be undone but each day is a Victory. I can now see clearly, maybe too clearly but living alone has helped me feel, as you say 'safe'.

[@bonnie1097]

Omg. I hope at some point you reported it. Did you remember what that guy looked like?

[@TheFiown]

@@bonnie1097 We did a portrait sketch and showed it around for a week but in the end I just wanted to forget it and get on with my life rather than accepting being a victim. I kept it to myself for over 30 years. I was Young and since then life has thrown a lot more my way but you just have to move on or you wither ,,

[@flowersfromh-evanlakshmi7577]

My narcissistic ex bf brother started to laugh when we met. He said run while you still can. Run and don't look back lol.

[@shawnbrunelle3527]

I'm so sorry that happened, I have lost everything dealing with mine thought i understood her and could help but the more i did the more i was brought down, until the end i was removed from my home town and kids and family and friends. i'm just getting out now and trying to find the courage as every aspect of my life is controlled. thanks for sharing this made me cry, they could be so wicked.

[@sherrim4067]

In my experience, full moon , tired Thursday nights, Sunday nights, Monday morning and Monday nights are predictable problem spots. Anytime there is a transition between work or home and family. They don't multitask well at all. If there is a negative and not constructive criticism to be had, you better predict the narc will find words for you and about you. I look forward to this video. As a commerical seafood harvester there is a saying " if you see the fins, you can figure out the fish". Once.you realize you have a narc in your life and you know those characteristics of a narc, you will be able to navigate your situation with some predictably.

[@wolfgang7812]

Shouldn't that be now you you see the fins you know the shark?

[@laughingwaters8309]

Sundays were always the worst! Holidays and anniversarys were bad too. Vacations were ok in the middle...but getting ready, packing to go or leave and the like were always terrible.

[@sherrim4067]

@@laughingwaters8309 you are so right, I just remembered our trip to Aruba. One of the prettiest places on Earth,, and we had a huge fight, I'm surprised the hotel guests didn't call security because of the loud voices after hours. I haven't taken a trip with him since and it's been over 3 years.

[@happyme3556]

Well said. And the fish saying is smart. Simple. Sometimes the narc tosses around that we forget to just relax and look at them in a simple form.

[@happyme3556]

@@laughingwaters8309 yes yes and yes. Sunday night's especially. LOL what's up with that I wonder. ???

[@desibec]

Very good and very true. Unfortunately, it takes so long to learn these lessons when it's family members.

[@Misslotusification]

And what to do about them?

[@Tiamoya23]

Facts

[@wittelarry1]

Especially when they are your kids

[@jencameron8124]

All that truly matters is that you/we learn from our experiences through all this and come out of it with our hearts still intact. Blessings.

[@jcreole5222]

Very true. It takes ages when you are a child with 2 narcissistic parents. But when you are out on the other side you realise you learnt so much from it. I was sooo confused as a child and felt I was good for nothing and felt I had to lie and pretend to be perfect while I felt so different deep inside. Now I realise that was not me. It was because the narcissists were throwing all their problems and behaviors at me. As survivors of narcissists I feel we are better placed to understand how low an opinion narcissists truly have about themselves in spite of all the 'super successful/super smart/super skilled, super capable/hardly-makes-a-mistake' image they project because they have been telling us who they are all along.

[@susandelongis885]

So devastating watching children raised by these creatures getting shredded. So difficult if not impossible to prove their behavior as abuse and they create tremendous dependency. Heartbreaking and persists thru generations. Doctor you are wonderful. Thank you

[@MagnaB-8]

Listen to how they talk about relationship issues they had or have with others. They don’t just play the blame game with you.

[@Dachdogoriginal]

When you see 2 narcissists in a relationship together it's one of 2 things. Disaster and a battle. Or they're absolutely in unison to destroy others. Scary.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Yes and yes. Dr. C

[@jikrukowski8649]

Thank-you.....This show is a God sent and helps sooooo many people. Thank-you Dr. Carter.

[@buttercup1765]

So funny...I was just going to leave the save exact comment!!!

[@victoriavmh]

I agree.. I am dealing with this with my adult daughter. I finally am standing my ground even though it's heartbreaking.

[@patriciasamuel2443]

@@buttercup1765 b cc"ccc x"xxxxx b.c. GB cr 43n3b bfg hmmm33 re33m are3b; ui high hun for me and I'll get you to

[@danielwiltshire8131]

How often are the Dr less Carter lives please

[@christinebuckingham8369]

Victoria Kristine Hugs 💜

[@sandycovey7440]

So true. I lived with a narcissist over 40 yrs, feeling like I was crazy, damaged, not good enough. I finally saw through it and was preparing to leave when he was diagnosed with a terminal illness. I was treated much better those last two years because I was “needed.” But I knew the game then and when he passed away, I was sad for him but relieved for me. Then made a new friend who was funny and charming, generous and had trouble keeping friends. (Red flag, anyone?) She was angry and judgmental, expected me to feel the same about people she disliked. She knew she was “self-centered” but said it wasn’t her fault because of her mother, etc. Finally she turned on me when I was just too tired of reassuring her and couldn’t give her the adoration she felt she was owed. I hope I’m wiser now and can see the signs earlier. Still I have to look at why I continue to be drawn to these charming sociopaths. That is MY problem and I’m making progress by spotting it sooner.

[@TheChelleyBear]

I'd venture to guess it's because you're an empath. Watch the video on this channel about empaths and narcissists. They know how to play us like fiddles. I hope you've managed to steer clear of them in the last year.

[@kirstinstrand6292]

One family member hid behind Jesus Christ, the other hid behind Art. I noticed the commonality between their similarities and thought it odd. In those days, I knew nothing about MALIGNANT Narcissism. Now I do, thanks to Dr Carter or Surviving Narcissists. Edit: they thrive on their control and feelings of Superiority. Actually, I was dealing with a Pathological Narcissist when I originally wrote this. He was a neighbor. 1 year, wow. My stories about Narcissists is unbelievable. Go NC....it's the only way!

[@jbtalt]

Dr. C...oh where were you 30 years ago?! lol If I had heard your words way back when, BEFORE I absorbed all the negative stuff thrown at me, my life could have really been different much sooner!! Thank you...it's still very validating to hear NOW.

[@eatyourchocolate4862]

Don't blame him for your unwillingness to walk away

[@cairosilver2932]

I'm glad you've found a way out and have good things to look forward to

[@christinebuckingham8369]

Eatyour Chocolate She wasn’t blaming him - she wished she had available to her all of his knowledge and guidance long ago, as many others of us here do too.

[@eatyourchocolate4862]

@@christinebuckingham8369 if anyone has any commmons sense they will get out as soon as they get the get the feeling something is loose up in the other persons head you can only be responsible for yourself and your own mental health

[@PPMOCRG]

Eatyour Chocolate You obviously don’t know much about psychology. Maybe be quiet and learn something.

[@joec1212]

The problem with an npd is if you're not trained a good covert will snow somone straight to the alter. I literally prayed to the lord 'if this relationship isnt right take it from me' the next day we broke up. I was listening weeks later to videos on how to be a better man/mate and after bingeing them I stumbled upon one called 'I dated a narcissist'. I always thought that a narcissist was only men, and just an arrogant gym rat, or highly attractive successful man. I listened to the video and down the rabbit hole I went. By the lords grace in my opinion I was awakened to a whole new insight on people and psychology. Trust the process folks. It all happens for a reason. My heart goes out to all of the people who lost years of their lives with these people, but those times were real to you! Take the good with the bad and turn this bad situation for good. Thanks Dr. C you're wonderful in so many ways!

[@janasty08]

Joe c that’s really true. I prayed for that myself, because in our ‚subconscious‘ we knew it somehow but we‘re still struggling with our issues of denial, and so when that „lightbulb moment“ happened (the same way it happened to you), everything made sense! That was the validation & „answered prayer“ we needed! I removed myself as quick as possible, and I prayed for the courage to do it well. Sending out my prayers for everyone who’s fresh from the traumas of that toxicity & those who‘re still unaware of the danger of toxicity they’re currently facing. Sending love & enlightenment to everyone! ❤️

[@kesmarn]

All I can say is that if you're in prayer about a process of selection of the right mate, and you're watching videos on how to be a better man, some woman is going to be very fortunate that she found you.

[@katerinakiaha6925]

kes S Very true. Wish I could find a mate like that.

[@evenbiggeral5089]

Same here! I “dodged a bullet” on that seemingly charming, good looking, wealthy person who wanted to marry me right away. Funny thing was that the mask started slipping more and more to reveal the weak, angry, unstable person trying so hard to hide underneath.

[@joec1212]

@@kesmarn thanks very kind words. Like I said in the original post if you're not schooled on passive aggressive stuff and a borderline mind reader these coverts are very good. If they didnt have the excessive need for admiration they would be sociopaths. They live double lives and act with moral high ground all the while living a double life. I will say I believe in time it all comes out. My situation was a little over 1.5 years. I'm sure they cant go much past 2 without people seeing the patterns. That is always why you take time with people. Min of 2 years before thinking of being even engaged.

[@pierreklee7490]

You have described my mother and stepfather EXACTLY. I have cut ties with them because I could do nothing right. I am less stressed now since having done that.

[@BewearTheAWAKENING]

It is really hard to find non-narcissistic people in this era. Thanks for creating this haven for people who have the sense to act like normal sane human beings. You're super helpful as always. Thanks Dr Carter !!!

[@angeldust7591]

The peace stealers. They broke the unbreakable With the slander and lies They took away the peace Severed the ties But it didn't matter, the hurt the pain They caused Who cares what others lost As long as they gained Shaking hands with one hand Slapping with the other. Causing hurt to the ones so close Seeking pleasure in seeing them suffer. So in need of control the dark twist Set so deep To prove yourself like crocodiles you weep So consumed with jealousy It pours from your mouth, your eyes Theres no competing with the sharpness of your tongue You manipulate so gracefully the old and the young “It was them, the did it, it was never me, Why don't you see it, what's the matter you don't trust me” They display and angelic character for all to see You may fool the others But you don't fool me. Thank you for the videos they really helped me to put things into perspective. 20 years and the games go on. Distance is bliss.

[@sherrim4067]

@@carolynpagliuca5657 I get what you are saying, but in Sunday school I learned Christ was both and is the lion and the lamb. Christ didn't make narcs, the humans did. Sometimes people who suffered from emotional abuse need to be bigger lions and break the chains.

[@sherrim4067]

Angel dust, I loved this poem, thank you for writing it.

[@sherrim4067]

@@carolynpagliuca5657 confess, what? Only God can save them. A victim of abuse can't save their abuser. As Christian's we are not anyone's personal Jesus. Carolyn I would re-read the parable of the lost coin. My limited recollection of the " one" found and its value, is a important lesson of value, and blessings. Sometimes the one found/ saved is yourself. Not someone else and clearly not the narc. That's their own journey.

[@angeldust7591]

@@sherrim4067 Thank you Sherri for your kind words :)

[@sherrim4067]

@@angeldust7591 Your welcome! Can you write another one about your journey to freedom, and strength and your victory of getting your life back? That's the page I want to write for myself, someday. Blessings and peace to you.

[@sunnydaye5942]

They are predictable to the point the more malignant they are the better you can use their games against them. Be smart stop being a victim and deal with Narcs like all con artists, rid your life of them. No time to wonder why they do what they do, they absolutely don't care about you so stop caring about and for them. Do not let them make you feel guilty for sticking up for yourself and leaving. Sometimes you just need to disappear from their life, calmly and quietly. Never tell them your weaknesses or plans.

[@ChauntelleARussell]

I torment mine all the time. It's become a past time when I'm bored. Ha ha ha

[@dianem2136]

@@ChauntelleARussell Does it seem like once you figure them out, and start turning their crap back on to them that you feel like you are "turning into" them? I think of it as "tit for tat" or "giving them a taste of their own medicine", or "if they can dish out the BS, they better be able to take it". Unfortunately, they are so "thin-skinned" (fragile, sensitive) that they take the littlest PERCEIVED criticism and blow it out of proportion, and get so angry. The narc I deal with is covert, and will USUALLY not outwardly express being angry, but I can always tell!

[@blueseptember2174]

Diane M and then when you finally do break down and act like this because you can’t take the crazy making anymore, they tell everyone and act like the victim.

[@sunnydaye5942]

@@blueseptember2174 of course, they project all they did to you as the opposite. Truth is there is a special place for them in hell.

[@ChauntelleARussell]

@@dianem2136 I am immune to his manipulations. I am not mean at all. More so like a therapist would do I guess I could say. But to him its torture. I dont look for him to do so. Its hen he contacts me & after he starts acting up.

[@sandihernandez4737]

I ended, or should I say I tried to, a 24 year long relationship with a classic Narcissist. It's exhausting!

[@targetedtruthergirl6726]

HI SANDI, I AM MARRIED TO A VERY CRUEL NARC WHO TRICKED ME AS HE IS NOT THE MAN I MARRIED, SORRY FOR THE CAPS BUT MY VISION IS BAD. I AM JUST LOOKING TO MEET OTHERS AND HOPEFULLY BUILD FRIENDSHIPS SO I DON'T LOSE MY MIND FROM THIS ISOLATION AS I AM ALONE ALL THE TIME. I CANT WRITE EVERYTHING I CAM GOING THROUGH BUT IT'S HELL AND I CAN'T LEAVE DUE TO MY CIRCUMSTANCES. HE IS EVIL AND CRUEL. HE IS WAITING FOR ME TO DIE. ITS SICK AND EVIL AND THEY WILL STILL TELL YOU THEY LOVE YOU. I HOPE TO HEAR BACK FROM YOU, TAKE CARE AND I AM SORRY YOU ARE GOING THROUGH THIS I HOPE YOU CAN GET AWAY AS HE WILL NEVER CHANGE NEVER.

[@soulprospers4110]

Karen please get out ASAP

[@fhughes9050]

I have found that going no contact has been a great help in the road to healing from narcissistic abuse. Thanks Dr Les Carter for your very helpful insight into how these people with personality disorders actually think. It has helped me to realise that he will never hold himself accountable for his despicable behaviour and justice and fairness will not play any part in the separation process. This is important to acknowledge because we all know that we’d love to call the narcissist out on their lies but they have already moved on to manipulating the people around you especially if there are children from the relationship and their focus shifts to painting you as the evil witch in their fairytale life .All you can do is practice self love and self care and wait for their true colours to shine through eventually.

[@gammalight1312]

This was scary on point.. I've noticed they like to micromanage every detail of the people around them as well.

[@stevedyches4635]

True, step-by-step direction and instruction when supervising a task. They often must supervise and interfere. With plenty of critical input and complaint when not done precisely their way.

[@mylabutz414]

Gamma Light You and Steve Dyches are so right it’s scary! Except Steve they decide on a project and always supervise! And everything has to be done exactly their way! I put up with this for many years before saying NO! Then they’ll follow you around hounding you about it. One day I got in my car and went to a park and sometimes a friends. So of course phone calls and texts, I’d send one text “I went to the store and I’ll be back when I damn well feel like it!” and no more communication until I went home. If he still kept on, I’d get in the car and go to a friend’s for the night. But I had to do that for several years before he realized I wasn’t playing that ridiculous game anymore! No one should have to live like that! I should have left years ago, I think I thought all men were like this so what’s the use! And I had 3 kids to take care of. I know, not sane thinking. It’s damn hard to think and act sane living like that! Thanks for letting me vent!

[@stevedyches4635]

@@mylabutz414 Yeah, the hardcore ones really insist on supervising, nagging, and harassing until their will is fulfilled and are the deciders of all things, showing no respect or interest in the will of certain others. They will restrict your will by continuously adding rules, and regulations and changing their mind. They will sabotage their victim's plans or activities for fun, spite, or revenge if they are angry with them, which they almost always are. They are insatiable and sadistic. They are completely self-centered and wanting to be served and admired. They admit to no faults ever but are constantly pointing out and complaining about the faults of others I've had three girlfriends like that, but my main experiences with narcs have been my mother and two older sisters. They will lie and slander to turn others against you. Always plotting and scheming to set you up for more abuse and ridicule. They suck in every way. They go to extreme measures to protect and preserve the false image they have carefully crafted for themselves and to maintain the poor image and reputation they have created for others. I could seemingly go on forever, but I won't. Thanks for letting me vent a little more. It seems somewhat therapeutic.

[@gammalight1312]

I've learned to stick up for myself in a calm but firm tone and say; "I can't afford for anyone to dictate my schedule right now" Or. "You gotta stop micromanaging my time, b" Or. "I really don't feel comfortable / able to do that, it's stressing me out / overwhelming me" When it comes to mean girlfriends or boyfriends. I think it's best to make sure you know for certain they're an empathetic person that appreciates, respects life and beauty for what it is before you commit to a relationship with them. Artists come to mind. To listen to your mind and choose the person you want instead of letting emotions drag oneself into a relationship, is a criticality overlooked approach. Love from the heart still flourishes either way but choosing the former approach gives better odds for longterm successful synergistic communication. As an empath, i know i want a girlfriend who loves plants and animals, who appreciates art and good intentions. Before, I'd just find who was nice to me and thought i was attractive and vice a versa. I never thought about their intrest as more then something to get to know. Now i know their interest reflect their psychological personality traits. The problem's finding people who are aren't attracted to their psychological opposite, i.e. someone who knows in their heart of hearts they're empathic by default. And they know they want their significant other to be their cheerleader as they'd be theirs. Good people exist but they need to be chosen, not dictated by majority chemical fait alone. At least this is where i see I've gone wrong. It's good to hear I'm not the only one who's had some rough experiences. You guys sound like very nice people, to me :) It's time to choose our life.

[@d74morris]

EXACTLY

[@skuzapo9365]

If a jerk don’t love themselves, who else will? Not only are they predictable but transparent. Unfortunately nice people give them the benefit of the doubt to their own detriment.

[@yoyoda67]

Yes Narcs are so nice and charming to new people, they think they can fool anyone and impress the hell out of someone who is not wise to them.

[@planetmchanic6299]

Like, it just blows my mind that these freaks are SO predictable. Their delusional sense of entitlement is a great weapon to make them squirm when they're denied supply. Just say no. Had to beat down that dude when he tried to take a swing at me over some missing money I knew he stole and even then no respect, no apology. You'd think they'd learn but they can't.

[@alissacarter9979]

The Narc is making me feel like a shell of myself. Sad and true and trying to afford to leave with some sense of power of my own thinking again!

[@karysinc12]

Totally accurate. I would add one more predictable behavior they do ALL THE TIME: projection, projection, projection. Everything they accused you of doing, they are doing themselves. When you start to understand that, it becomes very liberating.

[@ellie1595]

This is SO true!

[@chipchippie]

My youngest sister's husband is one. I find one thing they have in common is they are total cowards.

[@sarahharless5044]

For sure mine was totally a coward! He said he'd never ever pick a fight with someone bigger or stronger than himself. Translation he has no problem abusing people that he views as weaker than him or under his control.

[@bonesgirl302]

A big problem is that the empathetic person understands the source of the anger and allows abuses because we know the seat of it. Empaths are trapped by their own inability to recognize that CN is choosing to be abusive.

[@bethk3773]

Oh yes, so much smarter than us. Yet every time he needed help or something happened, who did he run to.

[@sugarfree1894]

They just don't give a sh!t, except when appearing to give one could benefit them in some way

[@christinelamb1167]

Lol! This is so true! This describes my mother perfectly, she only appears to care when she either wants something, or she wants to appear to others as a kind and caring person.

[@hogar2100]

I was "lucky" enough to have several narcissists in my life ... Sometimes I wonder how on earth I managed to survive till now. The thing is, all this made me tougher and smarter person, looking forward to declaring myself narcissist free (hopefully) in the near future.

[@theresawarchulski5339]

Every word is 100% spot on in my situation, l am/feel like l am not worthy of having an opinion 😢 But l have to listen & take orders or all hell will break loose.. it gets ugly real fast...

[@alanwood5857]

That's great to hammer home the point "it's not about you". It's tough to make that stick if you have been around narcissists all your life, but is absolutely true. I've heard a friend say "they are not doing it to you, they are just doing it". Great videos!

[@lesliwhite2481]

WOW! Thank you for such encouraging words... sometimes I feel like I’m losing my mind... they are very controlling. Dominating... so THANK YOU!

[@Robidu1973]

It's all part of their stratagem to keep you in check so that they can continue leeching on your energy.

[@JCB.PSALM_23_KJV]

Thanks Dr. Carter! It's Not about you... well put. One of the red flags that you talked about that was obvious was their very defensive attitude. For every passing comment they had an immediate response, without any pause or thought.🌤️

[@christinelamb1167]

James C. Breckenridge Yes! Dr. Carter hit the nail on the head with their extreme defensiveness. My mother is a malevolent narcissist, and it is absolutely exhausting for me to try and have a conversation with her. Any comments or feedback I have about anything is considered an attack, and she is always ready with a "defense". Now that I know who and what she is, it's almost comical to sit back and listen as she defends, gives reasons, and explains in such great detail as to why she said or did something. Sometimes I want to just say to her "are you a 5 year old, or a 77 year old woman? Why are you explaining yourself so much?" But I now know why, it is because she has such a fragile ego, that she can't handle even the slightest hint that someone may disagree with her.

[@smartcontractsblogbyolgala3839]

I have learnt so so so much about what was happening, why I felt down all the time and why I could not put finger on what exactly is wrong between me and him... Gosh, this is so liberating... The amounts of blame were enormous and early in communication, but then I started to experience rage eruptions... that scared me... and then more of the same! Thanks a million, your videos are very very informative - I watched tons of them and yours are super helpful!

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Liberation indeed! Thanks, Olga. Dr. C

[@Owl_n_Rose]

“You make my life miserable” I hear that everyday.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

I'm guessing it was already miserable. Dr. C

[@mirandajsummers]

Yes. Doesn't it hurt.

[@janeanderson7122]

3opihi808 Well, now you can laugh at him inside your own head when he says this. They absolutely need someone to blame for anything, no matter how small, that goes wrong in their lives. They are always powder kegs, ready to go off, and are very prone toward addictions, especially sex addiction, which they can easily hide.

[@scarlettthebrave5854]

How about “ I am Going to have a heart attack! YOU are giving me a heart attack “

[@brownbeauty4923]

But when you leave or get the courage to say your done.in my words, " if I'm do bad if a person to you leave me alone let me go if I had someone who makes me feel like you say I make you feel in my life I'd get them away from me . You don't d serve to have me messing your life up " in his words " your not messing my life up. Your a part of it. " , It's the complete opposite. All day ,everyday insulted , chastised, belittled ,attacked, put down like water it rolls off his tongue . I ask him to tell me why I am here. Why does he want me in his life if I'm such a fuck up, and a jinx on his life. Because everything that goes wrong is my fault. Down to HIM dropping HIS phone from HIS hand. " Tell me one good thing about me that makes it worth you keeping me around you ". . . . Silence. I've come to the realization. It's because I continue to stay or come back . The only thing he values about me is that I keep on trying to please him even though he knows himself it's impossible. I feel like it's amusing to him ,that I'm a joke at this point. It makes it worse. He so much older than me. So there comes the "I'm older than you. I know more than you . I am better than you " it's like I can see through the bullshit but I can't keep my foot down for long enough . He literally told me one day "I'm big and your small" it's funny to think about but it also makes me so sad he can be so cruel to me and I just want to make him happy. I want him to see something good in me. I see passed his narcissistic qualities to something good.i want him to see that I'm human just like he is who has flaws , and makes mistakes , but I believe he doesn't think that he's human,that he doesn't have flaws or make mistakes . But I'm naturally a person who sees good so I don't know if I'm making these qualities up in my mind to justify me being stupid over him or he's so good of an actor . Or he actually does have good qualities.

[@marionake5618]

"Hard to be humble when your perfect in every way "

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

So they think! Dr. C

[@shanabanana9948]

Danggg! That was deep!!!

[@janeanderson7122]

Marion Ake my husband would say this about himself, and was serious.

[@francinesmith8109]

@@janeanderson7122 omg. Mine would sing a song with these exact words in it. Weird....creepy.

[@MsAnchovey]

Of course they think they're perfect because they blame all their imperfections on you! Evil crazy things they are.

[@ck1425]

Hi all. I started listening to this channel b4 I separated from my very narcissist wife. I hired a lawyer and was scared out of my mind when I gave my wife that letter telling her that I could no longer live a life as constantly berated and belittled child. I could no longer take being yelled at, told everything is/was my fault, etc etc. That letter was 6 months ago. Five weeks ago, my wife moved out of the house leaving the four kids with me - which is definitely what I wanted AND what my kids wanted. I could go on forever, but I have a message for you who are still living with your narc partner. Try thinking about this, this is what I did. Knowing that your partner is a narcissist is a HHUUGGEE first step. 1. Educate yourself on narcissistic traits (i.e. this channel). 2. Learn to understand that how you are being treated is not your fault (this knowledge comes listening to this channel bc you realize your narc has very many internal issues he or she never deal with) 3. Start looking for a shark of a divorce lawyer - don‘t just pick one out of the phone book. Find one who has extensive experience with narcissists. (this is YUGE) 4. Ask confidential friends (those who won‘t tell anyone personal) if you can escape to their houses if you need to get away for fear of your life 5. Start writing the letter telling them you want a divorce. Any letter is ok. Even if you blame yourself, try not to in this letter. The judge and all lawyers involved will see this letter and judge you on it. Write that you are sick and tired of being treated like a sub-human and that you are scared of this person. 6. Make appointments with your lawyer and make a game plan of when to tell your partner you have a letter for them (if you think they won‘t accept this letter, then you have to send the letter to him/her where they have to sign to receive this letter. This is great bc it‘s anonymous before they see the letter AND you will get legal proof that they have received your letter. 7. In the USA, you need to start collecting as much evidence as you can 8. Only communicate post letter via email so each communication is time.stamped and recorded for all to see if they threaten you or your kids 9. Lastly, be care and know you are important. If you are religious like I am - God does not want you in an abusive relationship. Marriage is supposed to be like Christ‘s relationship with the church. What church do you know where there is psychological warfare happening against the congregants and everyone is ok with that? Probably a poor comparison. Narcissists are scary people. They may do anything if you remove your support.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Lots here...thanks for these helpful comments! Dr. C

[@ck1425]

@@SurvivingNarcissism Hi. I'm right in the middle of it all, Dr. C. I met with a church elder last week and he tried to shame me into staying with my narc wife and tried quoting Bible verses to support his position. I felt disgusted with his argument, bc I am a devote Christian who also knows my Bible well. God forbid I ever act like he did to another human being in the same situation. My wife is your definition of narcissist. I even wrote her a letter telling her the reasons our children want absolutely nothing to do with her & they refuse to see her on her court-appointed days. What did she do? Nothing. She has hurt me, yes, but moreso the kids and she REFUSES to see any fault of her own. It's scary and eye-opening, isn't it, to see the mental disorder of NPD? I pity her and so wish she could heal herself, but she can't break free of being the consummate victim. I can't go back to her like my church elder is suggesting. I will not validate her treatment of me and the four children just to fit a flawed interpretation of the Bible. I'm all for reconciliation, but forgiveness is a two-way street. We both know with a narcissist, there is no genuine two-way anything. God bless you for your videos. They are shaping me into a much stronger & informed person.

[@MidnightSky1821]

I triggered my ex for saying "Anyway, have a goodnight" because my texts sent late. They viewed this as me getting upset they stopped responding. Which yes, it does get to me simply for the fact she is capable of messages others but ignores me. I know, I checked my ego on that. Told her I meant no harm with my words then turned into an argument where eventually I was called "insane" for putting how I feel on the line. Oh, and I ruined their day because I refused to back down. Note, I was sworn at and scolded and were spoken to like I'm an idiot. So glad it ended when it did. i no longer find her attractive.

[@starlaeuropa]

"I'm unique!" "I'm special!" I now cringe when I hear people spout that rubbish - boak!!

[@colski3333]

When narcissists come to us it is also healthy to look at what magnetized this types of people to ourselves ! They are not there just by an accident. As we are not in theirs. Lovely.

[@stevefromsaskatoon830]

Indeed

[@abelieversperspective9595]

203 Narcissists disliked this video.

[@ljwi29]

Maestro Jack 😂I just posted a comment basically saying this same thing - though now we’re up to 233 👎’s.

[@oldiesfyre8591]

All dislike this video

[@tracyjackman6515]

Up to 248 now!

[@rebekah7244]

LOL

[@gapshot5065]

Maybe they just thought it was useless information....quit being so judgmental asshole

[@maryanne4606]

You’re definitely helping people.

[@carolinabraidybird1929]

I’m 4 minutes in and so far you have described ‘him’ perfectly 😏 Still listening as I type and yep, it’s still ‘him’.... oh dear.

[@mariaseidi4764]

Mean , condescending,insults , belittling you, uncooperative,anger outburst, distrust, suspicious...my God ,who can live with samebody like that...Loved this video ,you can see that Dr Carter have years and years of dealing with this type of people...This is one of the best channels on narcissism no douth about it ,they are so on point about the narcissism behavior that it's is freightening...

[@loveempress1447]

Thank you. I left my relationship because of these same reasons. I am single and happy.

[@josephsaroce4991]

"I know how to do it"... "YOU dont know what you're doing"...."YOURE imagining things"...the minute u hear that, you KNOW what you're dealing with....set firm boundaries, and keep true to those boundaries...they will continue to try to get at you...SET BOUNDARIES....

[@hotwaterintub1]

I avoid people who narcissists when I can. The ones I ever met always think THEY are right and nor happy unless all goes their way it is called controlling.

[@robinmartin7835]

I had no idea when I got involved with my husband that he had NPD. He unfortunately waited until after we married to let the “real” him out of the cage. I remained too long in the relationship because it was so difficult to reconcile the person I thought he was with the person he really was. It took me 2 1/2 years, but I finally realized things would never get any better. This was three months ago, and my heart is still broken, but this video really helped. Thank you, Dr. Carter. ❤️

[@SOliveira2010]

@ Robin Martin, I feel your pain, because I am going through the same, was 10 years married. He divorced me. Still love him and always will....

[@artgirl7480]

Susana Oliveira you most likely do not love that narc... you love and miss the dream of who you thought he was.

[@robinmartin7835]

Charlie Eagle Thank you. I sure hope so, because feeling like this is getting OLD. I’ve already wasted enough time on him, and just want to get on with my life. I appreciate your support. ❤️

[@gailkshaw]

At first, I thought narcissists LIED about who they are but the reality is, they really believe the lie. They aren’t technically lying, they just don’t see/don’t want to see the truth. They genuinely believe they are better, smarter, ___________-er thank everyone in their lives. It’s humiliating to be duped by a narcissist. But even the smartest person can be fooled by a npd. Often they are spewing their rage elsewhere, putting the best foot forward, until you are sucked in and have time and effort spent on the relationship. THEN, the monster comes out once you’ve invested a great deal of self into the relationship.

[@adh1541]

Robin, I stayed with my narc ex for about the same amount of time. Hard to believe so much damage can be done. Good for us for getting out as early as we did; most women stay much longer and end up much more damaged.

[@fionasteele3238]

Thank you so much Sir .. I have experienced 48 years of this .. He even has Gas lighted me to think I am crazy .. Thank you so very much , you described my husband to the max .

[@targetedtruthergirl6726]

hI Fiona, I KNOW THIS MAY SEEM STRANGE ME REACHING OUT TO YOU BUT I TOO AM MARRIED TO A NARC AND MY CIRCUMSTANCES ARE VERY BAD WHERE I CAN'T LEAVE. I AM VERY SICK, NO INCOME, BEDRIDDEN AND THIS MONSTER IS SLOWLY KILLING EVERYTHING IN ME AND LITERALLY WAITING FOR ME TO DIE. HE NEGLESTS ME, HE HAS TURNED EVERYONE AGAINST ME SO THAT NOW I CAN'T GET HELP FROM ANYONE. I AM TRYING TO FIND FRIENDS JUST TO TALK TO SO I DON'T LOSE MY MIND. I AM ISOLATED, REJECTED, EMOTIONALLY AND VERBALLY ABUSED, IT'S A NIGHTMARE AND HE'S NOT THE MAN I MET AND MARRIED. SORRY FOR THE CAPS BUT MY VISION IS BAD. I JUST WANT TO TRY TO FIND OTHERS WHO ARE GOING THROUGH THIS TO MEET NEW PEOPLE AND PERHAPS END UP WITH A TRUE FRIEND. I AM SORRY FOR WHAT YOU ARE GOING THROUGH, GOD KNOWS IT'S HELL. I HOPE YOU WILL REPLY. TAKE CARE

[@ahart2355]

48 years??? Why did you stay so long ???

[@janeanderson7122]

Fiona Steele Some of us, because of a lack of supportive families, and life situations, cannot get out. Mine was merely an act of survival. I had a very mall, non-supportive family, head by a, guess what , narcissist!

[@ahart2355]

Jane Anderson sorry💔

[@sahdogwrangler5594]

@@ahart2355 I have also been married for 30 to a narcissist! I didn't realize until a short time ago, that there was a name for him & his abuse. I'm unable to leave but I can tell you that through therapy & videos like this one, I'm in a better place mentally than I have been in a long time!! I am finding some outside interests & meeting new people, raising my kids & being a stay at home mom kept me very isolated. Find your joy! Don't let him steal yours! Don't accept the blame for his unhappiness!! For many years I was told I was fucking worthless! Now I know I'm not!! Knowledge is power!!

[@Trapezius8oblique]

I wasn’t as nicely spoken, when I had to break away from my narcissistic sister and brother.... told them to go and get &*#%@= . Best thing I ever did because they never loved me or respected me just wanted to control , and dominate. Which made me feel so worthless.

[@sarahreid48]

Fire*Minx GREAT YOU GOT AWAY

[@RustyShakleford1]

Wow good for you. I am so silly I just wanted a brother I can connect with and walk our dog with. He kicked me out because our narc dad told him to if he doesn’t he gets kicked out too. So my little brother kicks me out. When our mom was dyeing of brain cancer he blamed me for her mood swings. After she died he said he had nothing to apologize for and if I feel like he does because he doesn’t feel like it, the situation deserves no apology? Meanwhile telling me he’s sorry while crying then tell me the next day he said that jus to get me to shut up? the confusion in his head is mind boggling. I think a get fucked it very appropriate in that situation. It’s like there’s no reasoning I’ve waited patiently to years I’ve been persistent. One step forward two steps back. It’s funny though in 5 months that I’ve turned away from him I’ve Become more independent than I have In the last 20 years

[@Jane-gt6ef]

"It is not about you." A really powerful message. I will repeat that like my mantra. Thanks!

[@ellie698]

I think this has become my favourite video on the entire internet. I love this mantra.... Whatever they are doing.... "IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU" 🙏❤