What the avoidant feels AFTER the discard

#discard #discarded #divorce #breakup #heartbroken #emotionallyunavailable #avoidant #avoidantattachment #dating #relationship #insecureattachment #attachment #fearfulavoidant #relationshipcoach #situationship #dismissiveavoidant

[@roshawngreene7069]

So basically, they're cowards... Totally makes sense now 👍🏾💯

[@Flufero23]

Actually, they do eventually feel the pain in unguarded moments. They can awake early in the am in pain. At that time their defenses are down and they are vulnerable. That pain is still in their subconscious mind. The subconscious will not be denied.

[@taylorbee4010]

They do.

[@karltan9461]

You're right. In the quiet moments, in those times they have to sit with nothing to distract them even for a short time, the emotions rise up. They might look all good and that everything so well put together. But when the doors close, they break. People feel. Most of everyone feels the same gamut of emotions someone else feels except narcissists. What differentiates how people handle these emotions is their attachment and health level.

[@tabarnakopoulos]

It's almost 4 months since she discarded me! I'm feeling way better than 4 months ago. And I realise that I don't need to contact her and I don't expect her to reach out to me. I even feel OK with the idea of meeting someone new!

[@triphophoney]

That's awesome 👌

[@CorvidLove]

Congrats. I hope I will also get there

[@jorgeeduardoangeles2228]

It will!! Guaranteed it will! My 13 year relationship ended abruptly and callously. The pain was intense, prolonged, and deep; but with time, therapy, and support I am doing much better after one year of the discard.

[@triphophoney]

It's great that you're taking care of yourself. ❤

[@Thehandsomeone-lm6iz]

You describe my ex so accurately it's unbelievable 😮

[@MsOutback]

This is hard to listen. My breakup is for 8 month now and over 6 month in no contact cause she blocks me everywhere. My heart is bleeding. I hope it will get better. Thanks for your words!

[@evaml11]

It will get better! I recommend avoiding alcohol, going to the gym, and meet like minded people. From my experience alcohol prolongs the pain and makes it deeper. The gym will make you feel better about yourself and give you endorphins. There are plenty of good women out there!

[@Flufero23]

Inner work helps. Use positive affirmations: "everyday in every way I am getting better and better". Worked for me after being monkey branched.

[@ralucamera6574]

He didn’t blocked me but just do not find the words to approach him. Don’t want to start going in circles again. 9 months apart now. Was painful but I realised he cannot understand my feelings and my point of view. He told me he cannot give me what I need, just before moving in together. He was having second guess which I disliked. I don’t deserve to be treated like this, I am not an option. I treat people with respect and I am emotionally open.

[@cjthemvp123]

Same im reaching the 8 month mark , not a single peep from the dumper. I get blocked and unblocked then blocked again sometime idk what that means. I hope i'll heal one day from this

[@annekinsella5952]

The brutal truth

[@Lostandtobefound]

Well over a year and still can’t get over it. Frustrating

[@nicoleosborne6530]

What about when I leave the DA? It was so hard but I can’t handle the hot and cold. I’m so sad. I feel like he is going to see me as everyone else in his life. I wanted to be there for the long haul. I wanted to show him how much I loved and cared for him but why? So I can end up hurt in the end and him fine? That’s not fair. I so wish I would have never fallen in love cause I just can’t get out / let it go. I cry everyday. I’m so mad at him but at the same time understand he doesn’t even know what he’s doing. Self sabotaging the relationship.. I would have given him the world. By the way this isn’t just anyone we have been in and out of each other’s lives for 20+ years. He was my person. Or so I thought.

[@locks4u2c]

I feel like you were describing me! I feel your pain and I am in the same situation with someone I was with over 25 years ago. He reached out to me after not seeing him in all those years and we end up rekindling and I really believed he was the one for me. At the time I didn’t know what being a avoidant was until now but he had all the signs…at this point he discarded me and blocked me…the block came out of nowhere and I too am having a hard time letting it go because I am so angry and so mad at him. After all the love bombing and the promises and what he wanted with me…it’s like why waste my time. But I pray it gets better and I too wish he never came back into my life and wish I don’t allow myself to love him but I did. It pisses me off, but I have nothing to say to him and believing this too shall pass.

[@CorvidLove]

And you are describing how I feel as well.. I would have died for her.. I still do.. but she is now in the phase of ignoring the break up and enjoying life, while I am suffering and wondering if I will ever meet a woman again to love and be loved.

[@Tsan1010]

So what am I to do? Married 20 years 3 kids. Multiple traumas history of depression left in the middle of the night separated a year. Our children are hurting any recommendations coach Ryan greatly appreciated.

[@GodHelpMe369]

Please Holy-Benevolent angels, come to my aid. Comfort me and protect me and guide me and direct me and soothe me. My heart is heavy and I’m so tired of going through this pain. I need your help to get me through this. Please no more heart break. I'm in hell. I can't keep going through hell. HELP ME!!

[@triphophoney]

Amen 🙏

[@yougotgroove]

They breadcrumb three days later... No longer going to go back

[@CorvidLove]

It's two weeks later.. what happened? I ask this, because many of us are addicted to their Avoidant.

[@yougotgroove]

@@CorvidLove I left this morning spending two evenings at her place with her just dictating every moment. I just can't be around her energy... She doesn't even have to do the discard anymore. She's just so toxic to be around she's got it down to an art now where I'll be painting her place, yeah painting her place, but I didn't stick it out this morning I had another coat to do in a couple of imperfections to fix, it's so hot and humid in Toronto right now for balcony screen door expanded and was stuck and she blamed it on me and said that I broke it. Even though it's still slides you just have to make sure that you lift it so there's less friction and I just thought are you kidding me, blaming me again, and I just thought I've had enough. And I was talking to should I stay or should I just leave for good good... I said it under my breath, and she insisted very aggressively that I tell her what I said... I told her I'd be leaving once and for all... And as I was driving home I got a pretty nasty text message. She expressed her hate and I just replied and I said that's why I left. The truth has set me free... Thank you And that's the end of this story... It would have 4 years November 4th, and that will be a day I will celebrate 60 year old

[@CorvidLove]

@@yougotgroove sorry to hear. That doesn't sound like a healthy relationship no :( well... Life goes on. I hope you find a woman you can be happy with.

[@yougotgroove]

@@CorvidLove exactly you mean find a woman that I can remain happy... And one that's happy to begin with.... Not one that keeps her ex partners as close friends 12 years after the fact.... She tried to friend zone me.... I told her I don't want to be friends with women, that's just going to prevent me from having a meaningful relationship with someone. Women like her hold on to their exes so they can get a male's perspective on the problems with their relationship! What they really need is a female's perspective, one that will call them out. The problem is anyone that calls them out will be covertly put on their punishment them list for seeing through their mask. I'm finally in the light... I'm completely out of the tunnel. Leaving today was really easy. I simply asked myself, should I stay or should I go....I left So then she told me that I am the dumbest man she'd ever met her entire life and that she hates me, and she never wants to see my face again. I reply to calmly That is why I left The truth will set me free And then my last words ... Thank You

[@CorvidLove]

@@yougotgroove you are clearly in a lot of pain.. even though it sounds the best for you, it is still hurtful to leave... My exgf doesn't keep her ex close and I am happy for that. I also am not interested in contact with other women because I only want contact with my partner. This is how I want it as well. I wish you the best of luck. You will find happiness again. It's just a matter of time.

[@TheNicholeCollection]

My soon too be ex was crying every day when he was home before he left. He said he feels so hurt for leaving and knows what he's losing but he needs to have space and figure himself out. So what do you make if his crying and sadness all the time before he physically left the house and moved out?

[@taylorbee4010]

I got that random like

[@n1icolas]

More like using their friends

[@GodHelpMe369]

MY VOICE HAS BEEN SILENCED MY WHOLE DAMN LIFE. MY BEAUTIFUL SACRED MIRACULOUS VOICE. MY VOICE IS MY MAGICAL GIFT OF TRANSMUTATION! that being said, all my life... I have given people access to me in ways that I should not have EVER granted them access now, I want to scream at the top of my lungs: FUCK OFF!! YOU DO NOT GET TO HAVE ACCESS TO ME IN THAT WAY!! THE DOOR IS NOT OPEN!! YOU MAY NOT COME IN!! ACCESS DENIED!! I've been programmed my whole life to be silent, conditioned to have no boundaries... Here's what I'm learning... Never EVER beg for Love. True Love is given voluntarily, freely, openly, passionately! Everything else is toxic ABUSIVE bullshit!!! Being your best self for the wrong person will bring out the worst version of you... When you don’t know your value, people will put you in places you don’t deserve... Anxious and avoidant styles are like the rabbit and the turtle story... Anxious people are furiously looking for solutions (usually on KZbin, and the like...) Like obsessed maniacs, while avoidants are in their turtle shells... Letting their relationships collapse around them, too afraid to expose themselves... Listen to the "Game of Life and How to Play it" by Florence Schovell Shinn ~ it will change your life! - Come up with your desired reality: SEE it, FEEL it, EXPERIENCE it, BELIEVE it, KNOW it - Persist in those affirmations and prayers and visualizations - Do not react to your current reality (it's all IRRELEVANT!) - Current circumstances do NOT matter (Anxiously attached partners only feel as safe as their last interaction with their partner...) Early signs of healing for anxious-attachers: 1. You recognize that you are responsible for the types of relationship you engage in... 2. You’re able to see limerence for what it really is! (Believing the dreams and fantasies we have about someone over the reality we see about someone!) 3. You’re able to recognize the value of self-regulation and you’re creating strategies for reminding yourself that you’re okay! You can both co-regulate and self-regulate as needed/appropriate. Our relationship with a person is the relationship we have with them NOW, today, not the relationship we hope to, fantasize to, wish to: have with them in the future! If you're avoidant, you most likely have said to family members - who had a major role in your childhood: "You only accepted me or liked me when I was happy/obedient/emotionless." This one simple statement fits with ALL the core symptoms of avoidant attachment: 1. Being overly self-reliant (and in doing so, you hide your needs, emotions, problems, and acute illnesses) 2. Pushing down anger until it explodes and manufactures the boundaries you crave but can't/don't/won't always ask for 3. Not wanting to burden others with your problems 4. Wanting to fix your own issues to avoid looking incompetent or even getting bullied and teased/mocked 5. Numbing out emotions with self-soothing behaviors that are either totally unhealthy or pseudo-healthy (like getting addicted to working out and healthy eating) Remember ALWAYS this process is all about YOU!!! Not him. He is just a catalyst. The most painful thing is losing yourself in the process of loving someone too much, and forgetting that YOU are special, too! After he initiated your trauma, you're now left to deal with and to heal: all that has come to the surface. GOOD! This is a blessing. Albeit painful. A necessary blessing, nonetheless. HUGE-HUGE gift! Major advice!!! Listen closely!!! NEVER ever EVER CHASE HIM. He will run further and you will lose yourself more. You are the feminine. You are the divine goddess. You just be and approve (or disapprove) whoever comes along. It's a yes: you meet my requirements, or: it's a no, you do not. Be clear on whom you're accepting as a partner and DO NOT settle for less (or you just delay what's actually really divinely meant for you). Accept your struggle, anxiety, fear, sadness. Whatever comes up. It's all human, and in need of your attention. If you push it away, deny it, block it, hide it, or run from it... You will just have to deal with it later... And when later comes, those emotions will be: intensified/amplified/magnified! 1) Put yourself first and foremost! 2) Fall in love with yourself. Be your own dream girl. 3) Rejection is redirection. Embrace the energies of miraculous possibilities. AND REMEMBER: STOP making it all about manifestation when really, it's actually all about VIBRATION! AND: If you haven't heard today... You are so very loved and you are so very worthy of love. The hardest part is learning to love yourself and to know: it's not all your fault, and to see: that you're beautiful; wonderfully perfectly brilliantly created. You're stronger than most; a true leader/warrior in the making. Keep going and keep thanking. Remember Jesus was an outcast and he suffered more than any human being could ever endure... And the most important message here is to forgive them and to forgive yourself and to love all. Keep walking in truth. Our God is able and can see your heart’s cry. He knows every tear that has fallen and continues to fall from your eyes... Take heart - Christ is close to the broken hearted! He is a God of good surprises. Throw out the idea of your past, throw the past years, completely away. Get rid of them, do not acknowledge them any longer. Redefine and recreate your self today! HERE! NOW! You are an artist and an alchemist and a creator and you have the immense power to repaint this dream... * I am The Song Of the Universe! * Today is a Miraculous Wonderfully Delicious Magical Day! * I am in PERFECT HEALTH and I have ABUNDANT WEALTH in my New Earth Divine Crystalline Body!