Avoidant land of limbo

#limbo #emotionallyunavailable #breakup #heartbroken #boundaries #discard #discarded #divorce #avoidantattachment #avoidant #dating #insecureattachment #relationship #attachment #relationshipcoach #fearfulavoidant #situationship #dismissiveavoidant

[@cfnaround1585]

Their behavior makes them unlovable. Self fulfilling prophecy

[@malapauta]

couldnt have said it better

[@SunshineAndSnowflakes]

If you get anxiety or mixed messages, please leave that person alone. Letting someone else dictate your happiness is unhealthy and will wreck your nervous system. I can date avoidants because I have a partial avoidant side, but we are similar so I can speak some of their language. Being an anxious attachment though? I would never try pursuing a severe avoidant. It's like trying to make the backside of magnets stick.

[@gayleneflower398]

EXACTLY " It's like trying to make the backside of magnets stick."

[@denisecrystal_yoescribo]

That was my mistake... I thought the anxiety "was my fault". And not his behavior.

[@arankagionetti2098]

This is call COWARD disorder!

[@DylanGalafrio33]

Yyesss

[@denisecrystal_yoescribo]

Hahaha😂👏👏👏

[@janelleallbritton2199]

I deeply appreciate your content. I get that leaving an avoidant isn’t always an option for some, for various reasons, but for sure it is a red flag / deal breaker for me now that I am single again. Never again will I knowingly and willingly be with an avoidant.

[@anitarogers2877]

@Coach Ryan - This is why I am glad your channel appeared in my feed. You give us no nonsense pep-talk common sense guidance, that is not pandering to and constantly saying to understand and repeatedly give to the avoidant, but for us to choose ourselves - as we wouldn't do to the avoidant what they repeatedly on a loop, do to us. Thanks again. Much Love, Anita xxx 😊 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿🌹🇬🇧😁.

[@roxanakh2094]

A gap started as we developed feelings and it grew larger to the degree that disrespectful behavior started on his side. I told him I couldn't accept a half-hearted man. "You are giving so much, and I am making you unappreciated," he said. "you must be feeling heartbroken, isolated, lonely, sad, and hurt... " he said. This was the moment of clarity for me, that I must leave. He was completely aware of the pain he was causing. He could not or did not want to break up, and he kept breadcrumbing me. It all happened in 3-4 weeks, from the gap starting to the moment I broke up with him. I loved him but I broke up for my self-respect, dignity, and my self-love.

[@jenniferh4572]

Good for you I hope you are proud of yourself!

[@miami4005]

Let's just be friends but they want to have sex and treat you like a partner but no commitment

[@basicinfo2022]

This is why you have to go no contact to reset the relationship back to healthy standards. Never tolerate a situationship. Prevent it by standing by your standards no matter how much you feel for them or like them.

[@chiaraA.]

@@basicinfo2022 no contact forever - when I state my needs and expectations clearly and someone gets exactly what they want but give a smidgen back and expect that to work - that's manipulation. And hell no

[@markray2496]

Can 1000% relate to this. Everything but the label. Dated(mind you they were looking for validation elsewhere), grey area, FWB, lived together, everything but married. Love each other, Known her for 9 ½ yrs. Very Sad and unfortunate for both parties. Done being the rock for them, and merely a 2nd option.

[@basicinfo2022]

@markray2496 they are very selfish and not husband material. They lack loyalty, discipline, and integrity.

[@DylanGalafrio33]

@@miami4005 yes

[@gayleneflower398]

I lost my temper and told him off...so I will probably not hear from him, but I just couldn't take it anymore! Makes me so sad... "They are NOT intending to NOT hurt you, either" "It's a reflection on them because they are selfish"..... thank you so much Coach....it is true, i was anxious all the time, I even started drinking, I never knew what mood he would be in next...They have to know what they do b/c they must have a lot of relationship problems, at least that's what he told me when I met him...I should have listened! Reminds me so much of Narcissists, Lovebomb, Discard, Flying Monkeys, Hoover rinse and repeat!

[@martingd777]

All of this. Every single word. Well said. From the still utterly destroyed place im in. Never forget that you ARE LOVE, and LOVED. ❤️‍🔥✨

[@denisecrystal_yoescribo]

I wonder if it's common to lose one's temper with these people? And their insanely crazy making inconsistency, contradictory behavior? Because, I stated my boundaries, nicely, peacefully, I talked them out... Communicated with respect. And they were all broken. My mistake was not to LEAVE and stay OUT of the relationship, cos then I came back twice. And I lost it... I was losing my temper over and over again, until I managed to break up in a bad way!! He didn't want to cut the relationship, but didn't do the right things either. Is it also common that they push your boundaries to the limit?? So you lose your temper? Provoking... What THEY KNOW will ignite you? Or is that more of narcissism? I felt terribly bad at the end. It was all insane. It surfaced my whole trauma. Like "the worst version of myself" when I spent so many years doing healing work!! 😢

[@jessicab331]

Yupp! Then they play victim and act like they did nothing wrong and like you’re the crazy person! But the gag is they don’t really like level headed ppl. They want you to flip out!

[@R2-SO]

This is exactly true, she asked for a two week “time” a month and half before her discarding me, she kept me on her WhatsApp profile picture, she was extremely rude whenever I contacted her like if it were another person, even asked me once if I called her and then dropped her phone on me. After the two weeks expired I contacted her on my birthday and she didn’t even said hello, I told her I wanted to speak in person, when we met she was completely deactivated. We tried things out, then bang! Discarded me two months before our wedding. Still hurts as if it was yesterday! Very traumatising and abrupt! I’ll always think she was a little girl in the body of a 31yrs woman.

[@tinalu4695]

Wow, that’s exactly what I thought about my ex today: a boy in a 47 (!) year old body…. Arrested development is a trauma response.

[@R2-SO]

@@tinalu4695mate! Today I wanted to contacted her, Coach Ryan video on going and staying in no contact saved me. I really miss her, but we should keep or dignity. They discarded us, not us to them. We were willing to work daily on our relationships, it’s their loss not ours! Although it hurts as hell!

[@smaimer4974]

Totally with you on the rude thing, during the time she was not deactivated, never said one rude word cause the first time she even said idiot in a joking manner, I told her clearly that this is not going to happen again. She did never again. But with deactivating and forgetting all the positive and awesome things, with the flaw finding level 100000 (we do not match long term due to the fact that I need 10mins in the bathroom in the evening or I would have such a long line - she meant that it would take to long for me when leaving the house that I check got all my things in the pockets back in cold times) - things no other human EVER mentioned to me haha She is simply the prime example. After 4nweeks no contact she came by to bring me my stuff, she was super deactivated, told her after 5min ill get her shit and she can fuck off. Grabbed wrong stuff, things got funny, told her to stop this artificially mad mood against me. She literally said yeah it’s kinda difficult to keep up with rest Alkohol. From one second to the other she was her old self. She cuddled me, wanted to get a kiss suddenly she said we practivće now so that next time it works better. She said that. 2 weeks later, only sporadic contact, like 1% of contact we had previously. Everything was fine. Suddenly she said she doesn’t Wanne share her life with me. Sure girl, you get a check on the list for avoidant signals on every box but even as a fucking psychologist she doesn’t realize it. Asked her if she thinks her avoidant attachment would affect her behavior. SHE LAUGHINGLY SERIOUSLY SAID NO, DODDNG AFFECT HDER

[@Nono38-jj1tk]

​@@smaimer4974Guys that can't take a joke are the worst. It's for the best she got away from you.

[@isidorap.2485]

​@@tinalu4695This! So well said.... it is a trauma response! For months, I thought he never had good role models of mature behaviour so I excused him with that in mind. But no, there is a wall around his heart and emotions, it is palpable and it stops him from growing. For me, he is like a wounded eagle. His wound so severe that he will never fly. No contact all the way.

[@terryanderson8354]

This video is gold and 1000% what I needed to hear. Hugely relevant and well explained.

[@nivea2win]

Very useful information for understanding avoidant behavior

[@inspiredx3866]

100% facts after realizing and studying this for a few years

[@MD-gk2un]

God bless you for helping me understand this madness!

[@dcr6389]

She increasingly put me on the back burner for 6 months, then literally tried to breadcrumb me while I was breaking up with her. Unbelievable

[@chiaraA.]

One person's mixed messages is another person's definition of a toxic hot mess dumpster fire lol

[@DylanGalafrio33]

Yesss

[@leeluuleibling1111]

I am LITERALLY DRINKING MY ANXIETY away. EFF THIS

[@terryanderson8354]

Thanks!

[@MrSamIAm39]

This is timely literally ensuring this right now! Hurts like a MG

[@taylorbee4010]

“Good then, bye” -likes a photo a month later -.-

[@taylorbee4010]

Ain’t saying shit You gotta come to me Betrayal hurts

[@basicinfo2022]

Lol ignore breadcrumbs

[@taylorbee4010]

It hurts but bring me that whole cake

[@taylorbee4010]

I liked one back days later #fail But no messages girl till you act right or in my favor

[@melkerner]

She pulled this crap (I love you, but am not in love with you) after 21 years of marriage, 15 of it sexless and emotionally vacated by her once she got the kids adopted, she simply threw me out. She has emotionally discarded me, breadcrumbing and false hope daily... I am only staying for my daughter as I don't want her to have to deal with this (she has some special needs) - she says she needs time to try and re-engage, but 7 months on in counseling, she is still not moving.

[@martinhebblewhite4659]

This is such an uplifting video... so True .. one of the best around x

[@michellejf777]

Thank you great video! Is exactly what I have done set my boundaries! 🙏

[@SebastianG-hz3dl]

Thabkw Coach. I just broke out of this cycle. Its still painful but those videos help a lot. Thank You

[@gayleneflower398]

same I feel for ya

[@SebastianG-hz3dl]

@@gayleneflower398 stay strong. Process I formations in logical way, then emotional way will follow up. Believe me one day I'm alright and going nuts on next one. We will be alright at the end and we will grow. Leave them behind.

[@Jdotrhh]

they can catch these hands..ridiculous

[@deniseunknown4576]

Wow. This makes so much sense. Thank you.

[@rainingpatchouli4476]

Excellent clarity ❤❤❤ thank you 😊

[@abigail1783]

You are so much right. Your content is so helpful for those who are in any dynamics with an avoidant. Thank u ❤

[@MrTracyLow]

omg my anxiety is at its peak. has taken me over a month of riding my e-skate daily to get the self-compassion I have for myself. I still have some anxiety, but its not as much as it was a few weeks ago. My boundary was very abruptly placed and I told her I'm going away. Had I known sooner she was a DA I would have approved her behavior differently.

[@Tiffany-yf1ox]

Thank you coach you are so right

[@garyforbes8711]

I got everything you mentioned in the first few minutes, except the love part. 5 months of NC now and not a peep from her. Fine by me :)

[@preciousbweupelappi5253]

Exactly that i what I did dumped and never looked back

[@gayleneflower398]

Amen!

[@brinabrinabre]

Your videos always give great advice and knowledge. Thank You Your videos are the best

[@DylanGalafrio33]

They’re great just found this

[@Woowoo_25]

I love your videos 🙏🏼

[@johnnycalderon9951]

So true 5 weeks of breadcrumbing i finally put a stop to it. A week later calls me to tell me shes dating her co worker and blocked me. Same week i fine her dating app profile!! Yet she loves me smh. I did email her telling her we are done her value will never be the same. Havent talked since. Going on 2 weeks no contact. I try to explain to her i couldnt do this roller-coaster anymore her response was i dont have the urge to see you. Ok... gdbye

[@brennam954]

Which goes to show exactly how selfish they really are. They don't care about you. Guarantee you she's miserable, but that's not your problem. Make sure you block her back everywhere so she can't try coming back or keeping tabs on you. Remind yourself that the right person would never resort to this bullshit, and remind yourself of that when you think about the times when things were "good" with her because those moments will come up.

[@sheliasmith2884]

Thank you

[@sholamacastro984]

This was just happening to me but I cut it off, I told him all I know about who he is, i explained the whole personality of an avoidant, and what he is doing and I wished him good, I decided to move on and I removed him from social media. I didn’t know he was an avoidant until after the break up. We broke off about 20 days ago, and he kept reaching out but there’s not consistency, only text msgs, he even invited me to go out, I acted cold with not much enthusiasm, then he said I had fun with you we will do this again, and then he kept the same energy, not consistent no emotions. Honestly I don’t need all this confusion, so this was the best decision, I am walking away and not looking g back, because I can’t change him so I won’t go through this again, it’s a waste of time.

[@DylanGalafrio33]

Proud of you

[@cococaptivating7611]

I am bothered by the background music. I don’t really know why. It’s pleasant music and not very loud.

[@basicinfo2022]

It's distracting

[@gayleneflower398]

You forgot, “I don’t wanna be in a relationship right now not with anyone”….. Then you see them online immediately telling their lies about how they want a long-term RS, they don’t want drama, although they make it, they don’t want couch potatoes, but they’re the one that sits on the couch and smokes pot… I am very bitter. I did not have the best upbringing, and I don’t treat people like that. There’s no excuse to treat people like the way they treat them.

[@DylanGalafrio33]

👍

[@haihai5293]

So the best way after all is NC? Heal myself and move on?

[@spiritwanderer777]

yes, you will not get closure if that's what you are hoping for

[@tabarnakopoulos]

It is. 4½ months of no contact for me today. I don't ever want to hear from her again. I'm not even slightly curious to know what she's up to. It's none of my business!

[@spiritwanderer777]

@@tabarnakopoulos that's a good approach

[@tabarnakopoulos]

@spiritwanderer777 coach Ryan's videos help a lot. Plus, I have professional help also!

[@gayleneflower398]

@@tabarnakopoulos Yep. It's been since Valentines day for me. Hang in there, me too!

[@JC-ip6lh]

Not mine. Radio silence for over 55 days…

[@scribeLeo]

It may not feel like it now, but it’s for the best. But my ex came back after 4 months and the push and pull trauma has been worse then the actual breakup. I wish he had just stayed away. It’s cruel.

[@ALDCdancers967]

This is me

[@ashbashbaby2]

That's why I had to walk couldn't take the anxiety I love her I want her but but was making me ill

[@DylanGalafrio33]

Mmm never again

[@zhengzhang2057]

My avoidant ex has been breadcrumbing me with limbo

[@venuspsychicmasseuse]

Help.... 😢

[@mathewsearle4795]

Mine was going through something vaguely traumatic at the time that affected us both but her more. Two days before, she was saying how supportive I was, how thankful she was and how she couldn't wait for it to be over to finally start making our future plans. Two days later, its our anniversary, I'm feeling a bit sad so I'm a bit quiet. I know not to say much usually as it triggers so I just say, bit sad for you today because of how ill you feel, bit sad we couldn't have our weekend away... As a result, I'm being selfish for feeling that way while she's going through stuff. Wants 2 weeks space until its over out of nowhere when we'd had sex 2 hours prior. Then calls me unsupportive and so on, gaslighting against things she knows isn't true. So being a caring person and understanding her needs for the most part, I take a step back. Say I apologise, offer the space, say that if she feels she needs to let go or needs a cuddle to let me know. Get told to stop playing with her emotions while she's like this. So calm few days goes by, a pre-op appointment comes which I was told not to take her to, but she's too ill so asks if I will. Big step I thought, letting me back in a bit. Didn't want to touch or kiss or have me anywhere near her. Were ok, took her home, then said she needed her mum (who she said she wouldn't call because she'd judge her) and not me when she felt ill. Let it go. I offer support end of that day, if you need anything let me know, if you can't get out etc, I love you and I'm here kind of thing. Told off again. Make some dumb remark the following morning as a joke about one of her friends (nothing offensive to them or her in the slightest), get a wtf, followed by a break up text. Literal usual carbon copies of words. Moving in together feels "wrong" so I must be the wrong person for her. It's not me that doesn't want it anymore its her. Dumb thing is, holidays booked, shared bills, actively getting me to know her friends etc, we were in a good place (and we'd alresdy broken up once so I knew what to expect). So my more secure attachment kicked in since I worked on myself a lot during the first break up and introduced some minor boundaries. She even opened to up me about something that happened to her as a kid that not a single soul on the planet knows about except me. So yeah my attachment kicked in and I just turned off then. I thought to myself, typical, said she would do some work last time and didn't, so I pushed her into blocking me by telling her I know what she's doing and stop lying to me and herself, and accept the truth and that people won't abandon you. I knew it wouldn't go in and I knew it would trigger her to block me. Least this way we both get some closure, and she may think so badly of me that she doesn't come back to hurt me again. Or maybe she'll grieve the loss down the line and realise she's lost a true person and actually do something to change. Who knows. No longer in my life after 2 years, and the bits where we were together were for the most part amazing, although yes giving 95% of yourself for 5% back is about accurate. Depends how comfortable you are doing that. Coming from an anxious to dealing with the internal stuff over time it didn't bother me as much, but I knew my limits. Love is a choice after all, and it's a giving action, so there shouldn't really be a give too much. There's definitely a give too little even to someone that knows beyond a shadow of a doubt you're the love of their life, they still can't fully commit or even really try. It's very sad. I feel guilty I can't be there to stand by her while she has her operation tomorrow, but I've tried. She KNOWS I care because she's told me plenty of times she's never been loved this well before or appreciated for who she is or been with someone that doesn't judge her. So she knows I would be there if it was possible. We're on a week NC, and I don't expect that to ever change now unless after that's over the grief hits her and she realises she's fucked up. It'll take a lot to go back though, she's needed proper counselling for her childhood trauma for a long time, as its the main reason for her underlying depression too. You feel obligated as someone who cares to feel for them, but there's only so much you can do before you have to walk away and wash your hands and say, I did my absolute best to show this person a world where they could finally be happy outside of all of the shit they've been through in their life... and they'd rather just stay in it. I deserve better, so I'm going to go and find it. I'm too old now to be trying over and over again with someone who will shut me out so easily. Nope

[@leeluuleibling1111]

OH MY GOD THIS EXPLAINS EVERYTHING. I AM IN HELL.

[@ashbashbaby2]

Walk away

[@dcr6389]

That makes 2 of us. Stay strong and move on

[@frostqueen4904]

I'm dealing now with an avoidant for the first time, we are 5 hours apart and after 3 meetings in the beginning he now avoids to meet me again with the most ridiculous excuses. We haven't seen each other in 4 months !!!! He will not let me break up , even though I thought this behavior is because he is not interested. Don't know anymore what to do, just so stupid. Can you make a video about this maybe ? Why do they avoid meeting in real life ?

[@saiiijan]

Let him go.

[@frostqueen4904]

@@saiiijan yes, im thinking about it right now. I ended it already 10 times and he never lets me, it's so super annoying. He would write me super long texts and calls but after some days we have the same problem. Don't know what to do anymore

[@erikaschutz2947]

@@frostqueen4904 Get you completely, it drives one bananas and not to mention how this affects your intuition and your sense of self. Back and forth, but the thing is, the longer you try to be there and try to `help` the worse they get. Talking on experience, went through the most strenuous situationship for 9 months, were I applied all my patience and knowledge to make this work, setting healthy boundaries was one of the reasons for him to get scared and start blaming me for putting pressure on Love, going now through the most painful breakup. Now he decided that this hurts him too much and that he has to end this for good. Blocked me and made himself unreachable. Such a devastating situation, so many wounded people being hurt and hurting them selves. There must be a way to heal. Do not quite advocate with the motion of judging and discarding... if anyone finds a way to cure this and ascend from the disability to love, please let me know

[@DM-wv6to]

I disagree with the point that they don't care about you and that they're selfish. If they're an ethical avoidant, thry care, but do not realise the behaviour is hurtful because of their wounds.

[@cfnaround1585]

Na. They selfish. only care about themselves. “Ethical avoidance” isn’t a real thing.

[@RoseOfSaudia]

Why is it that they don’t realize they hurting you? We know they are avoidants & they have fears, but are they also stupid?! Of course they know, but they discard still

[@DM-wv6to]

@@RoseOfSaudia it's called defenses for a reason

[@RoseOfSaudia]

@@DM-wv6to Yes, so they hurt their partners knowingly under the claim of defending themselves against potential hurt and abandonment

[@desertdog8006]

​@@RoseOfSaudia potential ? Everything in life is potential. We don't abuse others cruelly with excuses like potential.