What To Do When You Mess Up (Attachment Healing)

www.heidipriebe.com

[@Dd94949]

Ugh. Apologizing (unconsciously) as manipulation. I love the advice to deny the impulse to fawn/placate. Taking a beat to think "something went wrong here - my reaction (although inappropriate) didn't come from nowhere. Maybe at the same time as I apologize (if warranted at all), I might also offer some info to help my partner, help me, feel better in the future". I have been so prone to fawning in my life, and the realization that your needs, AND my needs matter, has been profound. The process of rupture and repair, and meeting each other where we're at (instead of sweeping under the rug), are vital and powerful steps towards security.

[@somilaify]

Wow, this has been beyond helpful. In the absence of therapy (which I can't afford at the moment), watching Heidi's content (for the past 3 months since I discovered the channel) has translated to so much internal understanding and trauma healing for me. The journey has been truly enlightening, thanks Heidi!!

[@brownsuga929]

I purchased two workbooks that are truly amazing Get out of your Mind By Steven Hayes PHD and The Abandonment Recovery workbook By Susan Anderson. My therapist was so impressed with them she also purchased them. You should check them out you may like them until you're able to go to therapy. Wishing you all the healing 💜💜💜

[@Dd94949]

Have you made a video on anger? I would love to hear you talk specifically about anger. I am a massive "fawner" and have disowned my anger for most of my life because my father's anger dominated my household as a child. Maybe a video about how to use anger productively, or improve your relationship with anger? Learn to value it? I am on my way, but would love some encouragement.

[@bumbro07]

I would also really, really love a video on how to be angry in a healthy way. I also come from a household where my father was uncontrollably angry and now, when I get triggered, I fawn. The repression of my own anger ever went as far as to look down on people who express their anger rather than "control" it. Over the past 6 months, I've been allowing myself to express my anger more, but a few times, it's been a little too on the "over-the-top" side of things, and that's led to me getting triggered by shame and then wanting to fall into the fawn response again. So, yeah. Heidi, if you have any thoughts on how to actually deal with your anger for compulsive fawners, I'd love to hear them.

[@Dd94949]

@@bumbro07 Hey. I wrote this several months ago and have landed somewhere better now. Any anger that is expressed harshly is not great. But if it happens, what's done is done. We need to repair. Repair sounds like taking full responsibility for your side - while also holding your ground on what made you angry. Healthy anger sounds like good boundaries. I need X from you so I don't feel Y, and here's the deeper reason why this is important to me. Obviously you might not share the deeper meaning with everyone, but with people who you're seeking a secure relationship with, it's vital. Letting some anger out now and then is probably healthy and if a person on the other side can tolerate your anger and offer security, that's the ticket. But that is born in a history of repair. That's co regulation that should have been offered as a child, but now as adults, we need to make due with what we have. There is no parent who's going to come along and fix this. You are the parent to yourself now. Anger is simply another emotion that's there to help us figure out what we need. In the midst of "using" anger, our goal should be not to destroy our relationships, but to create enough security (through lots of repair and boundary communication) that we don't need our anger as much anymore. After all, why would you need to get super angry at someone you trust, who you know on a deep level made a mistake they feel bad about? The trick is also understanding that a similar process is happening for the other person on their side of the fence as well, with whatever trauma history they are carrying - they have the same need to be understood as you do. Also, repair is not a one and done situation. Sometimes it might require breaks and coming back to the table with a more level head. This is the "work" of relationships. To understand self and other, to feel known by yourself, and someone else. We are in many ways the mirrors by which we learn who we are. Mindfulness and self awareness through reflection are the skills of being able to learn from yourself to not repeat the same mistakes and to try new, healthier ways of being. Baby steps. The journey of thousand miles starts with...

[@bumbro07]

@@Dd94949 Hey Dan! Thanks so much for responding in such a thoughtful way! I've been thinking about what you wrote over the past couple days and reflecting on the ways I've allowed my anger to come out over the past 6 months since I began this journey in earnest. I've made mistakes. Where before, I was repressing my anger and considering it unhealthy, I was instead now letting it go too far in protecting me. I couldn't tell the difference between the healthy angry reacting to the current situation and the deeper anger that was activated in the current situation, but came from a much deeper, older hurt. In these cases, it was in friendships rather than romantic relationships, but I think the idea is similar. I have trust issues, both of myself and of other people. Letting my anger express itself was a first step in learning to trust myself. Trusting that other people can feel guilty for hurting me without me having to drive in how much they hurt me is maybe a good step in learning to trust other people.

[@Dd94949]

@@bumbro07 that's awesome. I think there's a lot of learning about self and other in conflict. If we avoid it at all costs, it's ironic to think we might actually be preventing greater closeness. It's funny but in the still face experiment with kids, the simple idea is that we can't be attuned 100% of the time, and that wouldn't be healthy anyway. It's the capacity for "autonomy within relatedness" that we're looking for. I can be me, and still connected to you, at the same time. A lot of us grow up without this deeply held sense of trust - and some more than others.

[@tessallations378]

@@bumbro07 Yes, I also feel that way towards folks (looking down at people who express their anger rather than control it). If I could suggest, and it's what I'm trying to do based on IFS practice, imagine your anger like a baby horse or little fawn (choose an animal you like!), in that you don't know how to walk yet so at first it's going to stumble and be really awkward. If your anger is a baby animal, you want to encourage it to grow in healthy ways and provide a safe space for it to be (if a baby animal were to stumble, you wouldn't shame it into never trying to walk again). Maybe talk aloud to yourself in a quiet room with how your anger feels and what it wants, and if you have a safe friend maybe practice expressing some of the things you're angry about. (you can also use GPT3, the AI chat, and ask it to word it for you differently) For myself I struggle with the same thing, and I've also done the same thing where when I try to express the anger it comes out much more intense and awkward because I haven't had much practice with it. I'm attempting to take my own advice with the baby animal as opposed to hiding away it away in shame!

[@patricktherrien3210]

My traumas (and how I’ve dealt with them) has ruined my marriage. Wish I could have heard this months ago. Although I do believe my marriage ending is a necessary step to my healing. You know, having to hit rock bottom

[@tessallations378]

What's 'funny' is that I used to not understand trigger warnings and that being triggered just wasn't something that happened to me. It was noticing a bit more that after each virtual meeting with my coworkers I spent the next hour or two daydreaming and not being able to focus that I had a slight aha moment, or when I became so angry at injustice that I felt rage coursing through my veins and realizing this might not be normal. Learning more and more what it means to be triggered and how to ground myself again.

[@AthenaIsabella]

Once again… the timing is amazing. I have officially messed up and now having to deal with the reality and how to move forward. Thank you!!

[@andyhepburn6855]

Same 😬😬😬😬

[@AthenaIsabella]

@@andyhepburn6855 I love the end about how us acknowledging that we messed up is a good sign, go us ☺️

[@gabrielbrown7310]

Just a huge THINK YOU for all your work and the positive healthy advice. You trurly helped me in my journey.....

[@havcola6983]

"If you know in your gut that you're kind of out of control of that response it's probably a lie to tell someone that you're going to do things differently in the future" Oof, I kind of missed this on my first viewing of this video as you moved on to the next part pretty immediately, but this is one hell of a consideration. It's absolutely right. And really useful, because when I (who is anxiously attached) end up in a fawn response there's sometimes no stopping me from promising everything at whatever cost to myself. But the knowledge that in doing so I would probably be _lying_ just might.

[@hafeezhmha]

Hey, I relate to this so much. Its new year and i just messed up in my friendship. I also missed this on my first viewing. Will do better next time, hopefully. Not gonna let shame take away my worth this time.

[@SonnyEstufaShieh]

LOVE YOUR WORK!!!!! Been binging on your vids !!!!!

[@musiklyfe7683]

All of the videos I've watched thus far have been extremely beneficial to myself or to my relationship. But this particular one here as my significant other is a fearful avoidant, this is a gold mine in our healing process. We share videos with each other all the time that we think will help each other, and your videos have definitely been beneficial. Thank you Heidi. Much love to you and what you do❤

[@kyrareneeLOA]

Golden!!!! Thank you Heidi.

[@annemarrie3895]

Wow thanks for this Heidi, I had really been requesting this Also can we just take a moment to appreciate your uploading speed..whoah Videos everyday so far

[@danduncan7950]

Heidi, I don't know what I would do without you. It is a new experience to hear this stuff without the shame that is much more familiar. From the bottom of my heart, thank you.

[@marinapro3922]

This is the best video and explanation ever! If we don't have this in mind, we would just place unrealistic expectations on ourselves and other people and will never get out of the drama in the relationship

[@andersmonemar3833]

This is golden content. Thank you!❤

[@marilynoverton8142]

Great insights! Thank you, Heidi!

[@rebeccajones9757]

I love the idea of figuring out what I need before falling into the fawn response. Fawning and freezing are go to responses for me.

[@ArtistBentley]

I absolutely love your channel and am learning so much about myself! Sadly, also recognizing it will take years to work on all this… well, at 65, it is obviously not something I am likely to be over these soundings in this lifetime. Certainly not in time to cultivate a securely attached relationship, or to fix the damage already done to others. I am and will learn to be better with all this info I’m listening to, but it’s obviously too late for me. Thanks for helping me get a handle on myself at least. Oh, and spot on about apologies! However, that does require the other person to be able to hear the actual words without inserting their own meanings, judgements, and taking it personally; IE: a healthy, self-actualized, and secure operating individual. None of my relationships have been with that healthy of an individual, nor would one be likely to choose someone with the issues I have.

[@jeff01121]

Thank you Heidi, This is exactly the kind of encouragement and assurance that I need since I've currently embarked the journey of healing...

[@JennaPalmerioo]

this video is amazing, as always. I don't understand why you don't have more subscribers

[@aruushijain8338]

God Heidi... the topics you touch🤟❤️

[@beverlytaylor1745]

Hello Heidi 🌻 You're so appreciated. Saying "thank you" pales in comparison with how much you've helped me, but I thank you and consider your channel a blessing.

[@alexandrahernandez886]

New subscriber here. I am ENFP and FA, your channel is perfect for me!

[@arniep740]

Fantastic video. Thank you. I wish I had seen this years ago. It might very well have been instrumental in saving my marriage.

[@mariamichael4416]

I am grateful to you. I don’t know what I was doing to other people. I am over emotional person. I understand now for sure, always react from past trauma. Ohh my God. I truly want to do better. I do I don’t want to hurt anyone. God have mercy.. 💕🙏

[@oliverschroder3944]

Just to get a glimpse of the valiue presented here peopz. This helps me better than trauma therapie, because Heidi communicates so clear and with much knowledge. Thank you :)

[@jorgeclaverie6752]

Thanks, Ms Priebe; this video has been enlightening and quite helpful for me. Thank you!

[@beezd6828]

The way these lectures resonate with me। Like you are hitting all the black holes in my knowledge Thankyou so much

[@NickoseLayne]

Brilliant!!!!! Oh my gosh! Thank youuu

[@SarahSnows]

Fun fact: the reason the light was flickering in the beginning was because I put the light flat down on a bed instead of a light stand and it almost caught on fire. We fixed it mid way! 🤷‍♀️

[@ayabakr6908]

Always grateful 🙏🏻❤

[@abbywoolfson584]

Fantastic information. You speak slowly and clearly explaining information. (I'm m likely your mother's age). You do a terrific job!! Im not trying to be exceptionally nice. It's a genuine compliment. ❤

[@godsproperty2167]

After all the learning...it all boils down to naming those triggers, learning to recognize them then learning the antidote for each. Easy said than down. I don't even have a name for any of triggers cuz I only know one and sure there are many. Smh

[@jean-victorcote5825]

Merci!

[@maxim1124]

I am binge watching your bideos thank you for sharing with us I am also would love to take bıotcanp for the lighting and color problem in your video it is all about auto exposure and auoto white balance you can thing it is an unconscious coping mechanism with come with your camera :)

[@jordankidney5779]

Thanks!

[@davehasenford3985]

I went through this and followed all the steps but it was too late. Now In al recovering from a broken heart.

[@Screeach]

ty...

[@Thilosophocl3s]

Heidi, do you have anyone you could pay to organize all your amazing content into categorized play lists for your FJ watchers trying to understand their FPs at home?

[@Medietos]

Do ask questions Heidi! How did you heal yours, what excercises and things did you do? What help did you get? You have training in this area; can someone without that heal as well and fast as you? Who fell behind the wagon decades ago , sought but didn't find help yet?How is the helaing it done really, please? And how do I know what is reaction from old feelings and what is adequatein the now?, because I don't get upset without cause in the now, I think.

[@t.f.f.e.d.l8514]

Ugh when you realise you’re the one who messed up 1.5 months later fuuuuuck. Ok apology letter being formalised.

[@amtojkaur8441]

Can you make these videos into a podcast?

[@astridhanl4861]

It really would be nice to have slightly less advertisement breaks... Maybe all 8 minutes or every 10? It's a bit hard to watch them like this

[@vt6spd]

I messed up real bad. Self sabotaged into a breakup..tried to back pedal and she walked. Didnt turn back to me at all after 7 years.

[@compassionandwisdom4311]

Hi Heidi, were you describing an entanglement at about min 16? this is a terrible place to be, both people really love each other but are incapable of expressing it in a healthy way. And they likely completely misunderstand what love really is. :(. Great Video

[@belleweather]

Have you made a video just on making an apology?

[@shelleyh2967]

What kind of boundaries do u offer them to make if they are unsure and so are you 😅

[@catejames6453]

What if you’re publicly shamed for your trigger? How much effort do you put into explaining?

[@lauu1686]

I liked someone and dated with her once. Then I got rejected after asking if we view the situation in the same page (romantically). She said she only saw me as a good friend. I tried to stay as friends, we we're greeting politely at work, but she's not showing any interest outside work (replies the next day, no I'm not double texting, just initiating conversation). So I thought even as friends, it's not working so I decided to cut off communication. Now she's the one mad at me. I feel sad, empty, and regretful of my decision and right now I am questioning myself if what I did was wrong even if I chose that for my own peace of mind. Am I the toxic one?

[@cristinahawke]

😭

[@davidcrawford9026]

How do you make a narcissistic parent understand how they hurt you?

[@jeremycloud1326]

Thanks!

[@jeremycloud1326]

Fantastic, as always. Thank you!