When Narcissists Play The Victim Card (And Virtually All Do)

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Conflicts are a natural part of close relationships, and healthy people are determined to manage them cleanly. Psychotherapist Dr. Les Carter explains, though, that wounded narcissists cannot manage conflicts well because they quickly assume a victim's mentality. He then describes how you can sidestep the invitation to remain in a chronically adversarial position with the narcissist.
Dr. Les Carter is a best selling author and therapist who lives in Dallas, Tx. In the past 39 years he has conducted over 60,000 counseling sessions and many workshops and seminars.
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[@madboar4535]

Who here is also sick of the victim mentality and guilt tripping? Dr. Carter, your videos are amazing. I wish I'd come across you 30 years ago.

[@louisecassidy5991]

Mad Boar ...Me too, oh if I knew then what I have learned here.

[@virginiafonacier8795]

Me too.So stressful.

[@arleneschlesinger9591]

Wow was this session so right on! Thank you*

[@loveeaother3180]

Mad Boar omg ditto x 1,000,000

[@paulahunt3508]

ME TOO Louise Cassidy

[@andrewpratten]

There is only ONE solution: leave, block and never go back. Zero contact.

[@CYndibabI]

12 legged Sasquatch.. best advice we all know we need to do but it’s never easy when there’s a lot involved 😟😒😢

[@Ambrosha385]

@@CYndibabI Totally understand. Still, it never shows itself exactly ho much you are losing out on when remaining involved. There is a huge opportunity cost. What could your life be like if you were free? Well.... You are

[@FFLL2112]

The day you realize you are in a relationship with a narcissist is the day you leave.. or start your exit plan. It is a personality disorder classified as a mental illness… They will not change

[@FFLL2112]

@R C I see 2 positives for you RC.. 1) a long hard lesson learned that made you a wiser and better person and 2) you made it out.. a lot of people dealing with narcs don’t. Wish you all the best 💯

[@billthebax5578]

12 legged Sasquatch.. 100% correct!!!

[@sherrim4067]

They can dish it out but are thinned skin, and can't take it!

[@tomasnokechtesledger1786]

Childs

[@SW-hc5yn]

Like mother like son....is CARBON COPIES!

[@carefulcarpenter]

This has become SO apparent in my life. In my youth I loved to joke with people and never meant anything to devalue people. As a young adult I found that most people would get triggered, or read something negative under the humour. Sad, really, that people cannot take humour lightly.

[@sillycrow3834]

Sherri M Ohhhhh you said it!

[@Rev1960-i2r]

Spot on. When you nail them, they become more violent.

[@orionism42]

The narcissist trap is getting you to always try and fix a person that can't be fixed.

[@bewaniya]

Took way to long to figure this out OMG Jesus help me

[@carolnahigian9518]

My sibling. A venomous poison minded jerk RIDICULED ME AT MOMs death bed in PUBLUC HOSPITAL!-(poor mom))

[@echase416]

The more that you try to help them or rescue them, the more they resent you. Best to avoid or exit.

[@dasquagga463]

its like a set of legos where you dont recognize some parts are missing.

[@Justadudeman22]

Yep

[@jeankipper6954]

"Each person is responsible for their own emotional well-being." What grace is in that sentence! Thank you so much!

[@daniellapawl6508]

No kidding!

[@WarriorHitomi]

They are not responsible for someone abusing their wellbeing

[@rllght]

Professional victims, that's what narcissists are.

[@paulclinton6414]

Narcs like to be pathetic

[@dianefarley37]

@@paulclinton6414 And they succeed at it nicely!

[@NovScrp]

That word! Professionals.

[@rachelchenoweth5748]

Hahaha... my NARC is always going to sue someone

[@p3dromusic]

kzbin.info/www/bejne/nnOqhIZ9p5qYlbc

[@nadiakay4474]

My neck hurts from nodding yes to all your questions.

[@RedroomStudios]

that's epic!

[@Tiamoya23]

SAME!

[@avril4421]

Me too. 🙂

[@manjithothi6555]

Same here.

[@elishacanny8793]

same

[@sourcecode23]

They start fights that should not exist for any reason, except for the one they’re not telling you, that they always need to be wronged and play the victim in order to feel superior. They will manufacture situations in order to get their feelings hurt and then make you responsible for their feelings, that you’ve hurt them, even though anything you might have said or done was in direct response to their crazymaking. Then when normal everyday problems in life come up, you are unable to work through them together because this dynamic already exists. Besides, they don’t actually want to work things out with you as they need this kind of conflict in order to thrive. Everything is black and white, everything is intentional, there is no such thing as a misunderstanding, they will even willfully misinterpret your words. If there is a problem in their lives that doesn’t involve some external force, they are also unable to see just how much of their own behavior and actions lie at the root of it. They lack true self-reflection and create chaos in relationships in order for them to have something to “rise above”. That’s the whole thing right there. They need to be above the other person, no matter what the situation is. It’s all about control and submission. They are also intensely self-critical and will project this criticism onto you, that you are thinking things about them that you are not. Don’t even try to defend it because that is the point, to completely exhaust you and make you come around and agree with their own delusional thinking. By the time the fight is over, you will be so confused and worn out that you won’t even remember what you two were talking about in the first place. Basically, if you’re ever in a conversation or disagreement with one of these people, relationship or not, and you’re trying to get from Point A to Point B and they start bringing up some crazy Point C that’s about something you did and how bad it made them feel and you KNOW you didn’t do this thing, just walk away. Don’t torture yourself or defend or try to make sense of it. There is no sense. It’s just designed to wear you out and give them power through their own self-engineered victimhood. That’s the game. Once you see it for what it really is, it’s the most childish thing imaginable.

[@SW-hc5yn]

OMG !! I spent YEARS trying to figure out what I had done wrong!! UNBELIEVABLE!!

[@USNBLUE]

Absolutely spot on

[@TheKali4niagurl]

sourcecode23 you are so spot on! I’d like your opinion on with being with a narcissist for a long period of time, can I pick up on their behavior and now have narcissistic tendencies? Not like in your comment but like what’s in the video? I’ve been in 3 long term relationships and realized that every one of them had NPD and I’m worried that I’ve picked up the victim role even though I call myself a survivor. I was so beat down, put through the wringer and not knowing if I was coming or going, then taken advantage of so harshly that it almost destroyed my sense of self and they made themself the victim. Now my truly exhausted body, self worth and esteem in the gutter, mental and emotional health is drowning, it feels like it would be so easy to just give up. But I’m pushing through it, tears streaming down my cheeks, seeing professionals just to get grounded. It’s an endless fight within myself just to feel. I just want my old self back before their madness entered my life. I desire my happy go lucky self, full of energy, no body aches, smiling. I can say that what I’ve been through, a higher power has kept me positive, like I have faith that I’ll be me again just with lessons learned and a little scarred up. Any advice? Thanks in advance. 😃

[@blurrylights6344]

@@TheKali4niagurl There is an additional channel I would recommend called Inner Integration. She picks up where you are at if you want to think of it as a timeline. This channel tends to focus more on the time when people are in the thick of a relationship with a narcissist, not always but some. Her channel is more, okay where do you go from here. She also has some good books too. Best wishes.

[@christinebuckingham8369]

Kris Craft Wow, was just going to mention Meredith’s channel - she does have videos on this specific topic. Maybe Dr. Carter will do one as well.

[@graceditchfield123]

Exactly Have any one noticed that they are nothing more than infantile 5 year old stuck in an adult body In my case 55 year old . Not just sad but delusional

[@martyrose]

Yep. He said ... don't tell me that. It upsets my Disney reality. 67 years old.

[@paulclinton6414]

Sad

[@batfleckforever3594]

Yes, because that's exactly what they are- bratty children in adult bodies.

[@MsKariSmith]

So very true! Mine is 92....and still at it. I don't know where she gets the energ to continue. Cause I don't give her much anymore.

[@sistersusie8569]

And the saddest thing is, that with their life-long preference for zero self-awareness, they end up as geriatric narcs expecting people to treat them with kid gloves even more because of their age......

[@TheOriginalKandiKid]

My mom always says “no-one owes you anything!” But she is the one who acts like the world owes her things.

[@mbaratucci13]

Amen!!! Every conversation to improve the relationship goes bad and it's turned around and they make you feel guilty for saying anything.

[@goldienorman9402]

So TRUE and so sad..

[@supernova11711]

Yes, it’s part of their many manipulation tactics. The idea is that they want to train you to never question anything or have an opinion. You are there to serve them with a smile...a CLOSED LIP smile. They use negative and positive associations...they think they’re so bloody smart.

[@mbaratucci13]

@@supernova11711 ...so very true!

[@blackheartearthseed8341]

then when you are no longer willing to let them in its all "if only you'd talk to me"

[@ttaylor8239]

OMG TRUTH!!👍

[@misschievous5071]

He played a victim for 30+ yrs. All he had to do was call me "crazy" and BAM, he's the victim. Lol. Pathetic.

[@sage9836]

I had a spouse who claimed he had to get drunk because of me. Past tense. :)

[@sherrim4067]

I have one that calls me bi polar if I disagree

[@misschievous5071]

@@sherrim4067 narcs don't have any concept that people would sometimes disagree. They consider it a personal attack and challenge. How dare you have a mind of your own. 🙄

[@sherrim4067]

@@misschievous5071 you are exactly right! No mental disorders just a spousal disorder. Lol .

[@axeltank06]

They truly are pathetic. My narc wife truly is. She’s not responsible for anything, ever.

[@ruebensfilms]

Narcissistic personality disorder comes from a total lack of introspection. A fear of opening up vulnerabilities, a desire to embrace a false sense of self and complete denial or indifference to truth.

[@bagobeans]

They lack empathy!!!!

[@tatianahawaii13]

They are like a 5 y o

[@p3dromusic]

kzbin.info/www/bejne/nnOqhIZ9p5qYlbc

[@luvyatubers]

2 that I know well were molested as children and did not tell at the time. When this came up w the first one I wanted to fix them. Learned the hard way then. Now years later I know the molesting will pop up whenever narc is playing victim. I know it's a tool now and it does not work on me anymore. Shame on them for using it to control others. Society and the law is still failing children so they should put their control and anger into solving that and stop being arseholes

[@tc4583]

In my experience, they do things to hurt you covertly and then act like you're crazy, your'e judging them, attacking them when you bring up their actions, which they continue to do over and over again. Best thing to do is accept that this is just who they are, this is just what they do. When people show you who they are, believe them. They are not going to change because they don't want to change. Nothing you do or bring up is going to change anything. They also like to feel that they have control over your emotions and you telling them that their actions hurt you is just ammunition for them that they keep ready to use against you when they feel you're done them wrong in some way in their eyes, even if they are completely wrong and they need to punish you. You bring it up and they just deny, act like a victim and you're the abuser and the cycle continues. Just accept that the relationship will never be healthy because they are not healthy people and they don't want to be. Only solution is simply not to care, get off the emotional rollercoaster and stop caring about them and the relationship...meaning diminish the importance of that relationship and they lose their power over you. Remove the expectations from them to be normal. They are not normal.

[@deborahmallory2288]

Thank u for the knowledge about narcissism

[@barbarabagatin8962]

Truth. I think the same. This all about transfert. They want revenge for what others did to them. That's why they are so brutally stupid on their lack of gratitude for having good people in their lives. They are just sold out.

[@lindagiles2587]

Whenever I stand up for myself, my narc says, "you're such a victim."

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Projection. Dr. C

[@dellataberes3865]

Mine said ‘you’re so jealous you’re insecure After i freaked out because he was texting a girl and i was not allowed to go to movies with him, her and who ever else

[@tanyawashington6338]

Or..you're so sensitive

[@annettebarwick6559]

Oh my gosh thats exactly what my daughter said to me when i stood up for

[@blackheartearthseed8341]

ofc they do ...omg!

[@knarf_on_a_bike]

I am constantly walking on eggshells. One word in the wrong place, or even a changed vocal inflection, and she completely flips into meltdown mode. Mind you, she can yell at me, call me names and worse and I'm supposed to take it. But the slightest transgression on my part (real or imagined - she exaggerates and gaslights) and I am suddenly a villain.

[@rachelmartineau8102]

So so true I have a narc sister very awkward for me made my life hell. No more sister no more abuse

[@RedroomStudios]

been there and done that... it's a complete double standard and your examples of word choice or voice inflection are bang on! they read meaning or offense into any little thing. it's all a personal attack against them. and there is no way you can explain your way out of it... it just goes on their list of bad stuff you have done so they can bring it up during the next argument! and when they are melting down over nothing they are absolutely merciless in their attacks against you! take it from me, it's never going to get better. relationships are doomed in that toxic atmosphere where there is no trust or respect. I made it about 4 years through countless break ups and make ups. finally done with her as of November 1. I know she is going to rush out to find some other guy (she was married 3x before me) and I cant wait until that guy catches on and see what she's like too!

[@usedabusedandmisunderstood8205]

kzbin.info/www/bejne/qJXXqWCmrc-LbqM

[@tammyw.4779]

Walking on egg shells is right!! 😒

[@damndirtyape1363]

Walking on egg shells yes. Ive told her that. and now she uses it against me. Any time i dont agree with her she makes out like im the one with the problem and that im starting a fight. Its crazy.

[@tomekamontegue5122]

So needed today! Ironically, I agreed to sit and talk at a restaurant this morning with the narcissist. I was asked; what do you see as the issue between us? As I tried to answer the question politely and explain he never listened! I was quickly interrupted with I didn’t do that to you.... I said well you can tell me how I experienced something that happened to me. It was down hill from there. It ended with him jumping up angrily from the table, telling me he has to get away from me because I’m so fu$?ing toxic! And then yelled to me .... now pay the bill!!! If not for these videos I would not have had the strength to be calm and I would have been in tears. I understand that he was happy until he wasn’t able to control my decision and I stood firm on how I felt and how I believed things to be. Thank you Dr. Les ! ❤️🙏🏽

[@rachelmartineau8102]

Tomeka Montegue So glad you are following this channel keep educating yourself. This person is upset that you are on to him

[@tammyw.4779]

Sounds like you did your best! I hope things go better for you.

[@knowledgeapplied]

The narc is always toxic to his/herself, and therefore, is toxic to other people. Don't allow this person's toxicity and victimhood to become normal to him. Point out to him this indelible moment in time, on another (calm) occasion, and stick to the facts. But above all, stand your ground firmly, but tactfully. Point out this clear example of his childish and selfish behavior when he's in a different frame of mind - and keep a record of it while you're at it - for his own good. You might even want even add - I DON'T WALK AWAY. ONLY YOU DO. I DONT RAISE MY VOICE. BUT YOU DO. I DONT STORM OFF LIKE A CHILD, BUT YOU DO. STOP THIS NONSENSE, SO WE CAN TALK! Speak to them in a language they can understand. Otherwise, as the wise proverb states, you might as well be speaking into the air. Appeal to any sensibilities or reasonableness they might have left (even though their conscience is missing a few bolts) by drawing upon clear contrasts. Their Bad Behavior vs. Reality. This rule of teaching will never become obsolete: He that contrasts well, teaches well.

[@StephieGsrEvolution]

Keep stong! 💛

[@marylim1494]

Hope you can end all these events soon for your health's sake...

[@AngelKrystalStar]

ALWAYS. "I cheated on you because of YOU" 🤦‍♀️

[@roxannecox7861]

I knew I was in trouble when in exasperation I asked "What is WRONG with you?!?" Response: You bring out the worst in me. Thank God for Dr. C!

[@AngelKrystalStar]

@@roxannecox7861 💕 yes!! 🙏

[@s7449]

Wow!!! I was told the same thing.

[@roxannecox7861]

It is SO FREEING to know that it isn't YOU.

[@AngelKrystalStar]

@@roxannecox7861 💯

[@ElizabethMccormackhellenheaven]

leaving him because of physical and mental abuse became me "abandoning him at his lowest " the facts were all conveniently forgot .

[@lioydwilliams1850]

Elizabeth Mccormack, you deserve better

[@renatalivlove75]

My "Narco" came to visit me after I just got out of a 6 hour Heart Surgery ! 5 minutes in He said......." See if you would have gone to the doctor more often this unnecessary procedure would have been avoided! You brought this on yourself " " Now I have to drive back and forth to the hospital " " I have a headache so bad, I can't stand hospitals! Omg..my headache is killing me " !!!!!!! And it went on and on and on All about HIS headache!! Unbelievable!

[@mellowyellowbaby72]

Li LoVe I had a stroke after getting involved with drugs that he gave me and selling drugs with him bad choice after the death of my only son and my mom he’s an ex crsckhead and every woman and guy friend he brings around is a crack head he had a heart attack and blamed me and taking care of me when it’s really from all the crack he use to do and all the crack he sells all night is the reason for his heart attack it’s all become all about his heart attack and less about my stroke

[@CYndibabI]

Omggggggg this is seriously unbelievable I’m so sorry you had to deal with that especially right out of surgery what an a _ _!!!! I have a heart issue to and most of my heart episodes that land me in the hospital are caused by HIM the narcissist and when I’m in the hospital suffering he will call me and fight with me while I’m in complete hell! it’s completely sick and disgusting

[@cailin5309]

Omg! He should be happy they fixed the heart that he’s probably draining to death.. but nooo it’s all about his headache.. The only headache he needed to be worrying about was the headache that he himself is to you! I’m so sorry for getting wound up but I share the unfortunate experience of a narcissist in my life & it’s so awful to hear someone else going through the same thing.

[@realitybites6484]

Came out of hospital after a heart attack to be told by the narc that he had been planning my funeral.

[@cheryldenkins1597]

Caring for a dying friend in hospital. All upset. Asked my boyfriend, who would be there if it was me in hospital. His answer? He would have to use one of his vacation days.

[@Miss_Wonderful1]

I realized that sometimes you can't even tell what a narcissist likes or hates, because all you see is a grumpy and judgmental person in any kind of situations. Probably this is due to their belief that they're better than anybody else, so it's impossible for a humble earthling to make them happy. My advice is stop wasting lots of energy trying to figure out what you can do to please them because the answer is: nothing.

[@CYndibabI]

The Gargoyle excellent post

[@Miss_Wonderful1]

@@CYndibabI Thanks 🤗

[@alexbaird2670]

Yep, that's my MIL! Professional victim and perpetual dissatisfaction with EVERYTHING and EVERYONE.

[@donnafoley9684]

Amen

[@margiejarrell9727]

I was with a narcissist for over 40 years married and I knew that there's something was wrong because I'm a easygoing loving person that he was so changeable that I couldn't understand him and he couldn't understand me and I have gone I'm divorced now for over 35 years and I I'm so happy I am with all the help of these videos I am waking up and I am living my life and I have gone completely no contact with him for four months now and I have already seen the difference and in the way I feel and the way I handle things and I'm just so happy he's still Hoover's and he still calls but I will not respond

[@starmckay4615]

If someone hasn’t lived this nightmare, they will not get it! Thank you for your professional insight and for letting others know there is light at the end of the tunnel!

[@lynneparker4136]

I so get it... they are sick fucks.

[@anitaharrell3716]

been there still is😲😢

[@usernane3652]

and that light may be you

[@CG-bt7oc]

Constantly justifying, explaining and apologizing to keep the peace just plain wore me out! Went no contact 3 months ago after over 40 long years and I have never felt better! In retrospect, I never realized what I was dealing with and never realized how my own emotional and physical health was being affected because of this toxic narc. Thank you so much dr.Carter for investing in helping us!!

[@denellelloyd1280]

I left mine after five years, thankfully we never live together I got married. I have an 18 year old who was 13 when we started dating and it wasn't until this last year when he started in on her that I started seeing who he truly truly was and I left you and that's when I realized what he was doing to me too and how narcissistic he really is. My daughter is the one who I truly believed saved me from a lifetime of misery with this jerk. Because if he had never started playing his games with her I would probably have never seen who he truly was. It's kind of sad when I sit and think about it but at that time I thought I deserve his games congratulations on making a smart choice for yourself and good luck in your new Journey

[@sherrim4067]

It's wearing me out.

[@renaissance5300]

@@marybeth9394 you are not alone. I am unfortunately in this club

[@sherrim4067]

@@marybeth9394 I had a issue last night with my narc about a work situation he was telling me about. I shouldn't have chimmed in and said what I thought, because it was in opposition to what he thought. Oh battle on. They have "no outside their own box " thinking what so ever. It's so tiring, it's amazing how one person's presence can ruin a dinner. Every bite felt like cemment, sitting there in silence. Very tiring indeed. I dread Christmas, and feeling fake about how good things are, and clearly they are not. So how do you tolerate it? Did they have a moment, that made you stand up and take notice that some thing was clearly wrong?

[@CG-bt7oc]

@@marybeth9394 I pray that the Lord will give you much comfort and strength during this difficult time. That He will give you wisdom as to what to do and when to do it. This situation is not permanent and I pray that you will know when it is time to leave and be free!

[@beealexanderbeautycosmetic7682]

I'M SO DOWN BUT IM TRYING TO STAY STRONG IF ANYONE ELSE IS GOING THROUGH THIS DON'T GIVE UP!!!

[@Ambrosha385]

Just from that statement you are doing pretty well! Be proud of where you are! And it's ok to be super down

[@abdulc5726]

And u shouldn't give up either

[@mankola]

Remember it's not you with the problem, the NARC is the problem.

[@elderjonathanwhite6633]

I pray you got away from that situation, I getting ready to leave mines, this is just crazy

[@rebekatalebi8046]

Sometimes I wish I could die so my spirit could start over.

[@strrrawberrry]

Difficult to navigate when the narcissist is your mother.

[@paulclinton6414]

Not really. You can decide to never see you mom again. It will free you

[@shadowbeastie]

Or when your mother and your brother are both narcissists. Its ridiculous. I might as well be satan reincarnate, they are such victims trying to out victim eachother to me.

[@majiaxi3592]

Yaaaay

[@IndigoBellyDance]

Honestly imo parent or not is best to cut them out of your life

[@cailin5309]

You will never be able to talk rationally with an irrational person. The best & in my opinion, only way to deal with narcissists is by emotionally disconnecting from them. Then it’s like.. well what’s the point in even keeping this person around if all they’re going to ever do is try to destroy your peace?

[@dannysze8183]

whenever the narcissist is not in control of their surroundings, they see themselves as victim. they always think they deserve the best. if you spot a narcissists, you really have to keep a farrier distance from them.

[@mthomas3547]

"Each individual is responsible for their own emotional well being."

[@michaelpowers9259]

Is it just my imagination, OR has there been an increase in the narcissist population over the last 30-40 years. I'm feeling that there are less and less people in this world that I can connect with. Comments please.

[@jenniferfrances8793]

I agree. CERN has been playing around with dark matter and opening a portal to hell that is letting in demons. “Hive mind” type oppression and possession going on. With AI, it is only going to get worse. In the bible...”the wheat and the tares”

[@YamFZR93]

Yes, there is an explosion of people like this. Only thing I can figure is it has something to do with the Tytler Cycle. This link to the jpeg illustrates the cycle - us-browse.startpage.com/do/show_picture.pl?l=english&rais=1&oiu=https%3A%2F%2Fi.pinimg.com%2Foriginals%2F49%2Fde%2F34%2F49de34ea8306579f24e9438264ba0de0.jpg&sp=b91d31cd7787af957d03c69e599789b4&t=default it's between Selfishness and Apathy. I thought it could be genetic or too much BPA in the water but it's probably genetic triggers tripped by this part of the Tytler Cycle.

[@SpaceCadet4Jesus]

@@jenniferfrances8793 Dark matter is only one physics theory of a few theories concerning what the universe consists of. Its called Dark Matter because we can't see it or test for it or play around with it. Again, Dark Matter is only an idea, not a proven actuality. There is no portal to Hell that we know of and CERN only uses lasers and magnetics to accelerate tiny bits of normal matter to high speed then crash it into similar matter and see if any new particles are temporarily made. Think of it as crashing two cars together and seeing what's left. AI is so rudimentary today and is used to answer stupid questions people have, as in Alexa devices. AI doesn't know anything, it's just programming done by a human to assist other humans. Your ideas are way out there.

[@Ambrosha385]

OK... OR it's just that the culture overall is getting more attached to our mind stories, screens (an extension of the mind) and the mind is the ego, which is all the narcissist is. So it's a natural progression.

[@SpaceCadet4Jesus]

@Michael Powers I've noticed more emotionally damaged people, to include narcissists. I seem to find most people with very little patience and/or persistence. I wonder if the over consumption of videos, movies, and such has negatively affected our ability to concentrate meaningfully. Seems everyone's attention span is so short. I find these people hard to connect to and maintain connection.

[@rebekatalebi8046]

It doesn’t matter how good their lives are the only fuel to their fire is making people miserable.

[@debbyjoy3]

Don't eat the cake at the pity party. Leave the fork on the table and walk away. Thanks Les. Another informative video.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Stick a fork in it. Got it. Dr. C

[@nicolesteele6000]

Anytime my narcissist has been confronted about hurting others, she cries and brings up how she has been wronged.

[@crencottrell7849]

Are you serious? 😅

[@carineii6747]

Classic!

[@ThunderAppeal]

Maybe thats not a narcissist but someone who has never received the care they needed?

[@tori3158]

@@ThunderAppeal completely agree. Many things/episodes are not necessarily the root of narcissism.

[@silverwindspirit]

Sounds like both of my filipino parents. Seems to be a big cultural problem in filipinos

[@debbiecarson6958]

You Have No Idea How Much You Have Helped Me , Thank You Dr Carter 🕊

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

So pleased! thanks, Light. Dr. C

[@karatekid6977]

Yes Thanks Dr. Carter

[@marynorth235]

This one really hit home. I actually believed I was the "bad guy" up until a couple years ago, when I learned about narcissists.

[@teachersusanute199]

„they get stuck for a long long time“ - in my experience with narc ex it gets worse when they age. He is obsessed with „getting even with me“ because he sees himself as the victim. I‘m rather tired of it all. No contact. But no closure. 😳 I just want to live a peaceful quiet life with lots of fun and good friends ... 😁

[@tjkasgl]

My mom always said, 'You owe me....' I quit giving in, she quit taking to me. FREEDOM!!!

[@tatianahawaii13]

It’s not a trade business to own something to your parent. It’s life. Her parents brought her up. You wooo bring up yours. Your kids will bring up your grandkids

[@funlovinbloke6266]

Actually the narcissist uses a whole deck of cards when playing the victim. Especially during silence treatment and discard proces. So obvious their flaws will come out someday.

[@linlee497]

Raoul Kleijntjens god know how many times I thought that my mother was dead or deaf or +*^%%##%}}%% during the silence treatment which drives me crazy every time when she does that. The narcissist for me is my mother. Can anyone imagine how hard it is to grow into an adult

[@christinebuckingham8369]

lin lee Sadly, yes Lin, many of us here can, do your best to get healthy while you’re young. I wish you all the very best. 💖💐

[@linlee497]

Christine Buckingham thank you!!

[@GodsSparrowSpeaks]

RavenStealstheNight unfortunately I believe you are correct...yes they have no conscience, no guilt nor shame. Any time they SEEM to be exhibiting those 3, it is ONLY in how it relates to THEM getting whatever it is THEY need/want. There is ZERO true sorrow for negatively affecting others. Mine has forced me to work 50+ hours a week with cancer, concussion, broken back and other health issues despite him making over $10k a month... They are black worm holes, vacuums of other people’s lives - emotions, health and finances. They always come out smelling like roses. But Judgement Day will come when they end up in Hell

[@shipratrika2586]

LLM I have seen so many with chronic illnesses..And becoming hypochondriac..One I know just passed away from cancer..but I have seen those with very long lives living in their 90’s The negative energy of anger and hate and absence of love does create chronic illnesses in them..

[@horizonkage]

I remember when my grandmother started crying because I believed what she did was wrong, I said no I don't believe you. She immediately flipped. It was crocodile tears, the true colours were anger.

[@naturefleur2062]

What Dr. C calls “alternate reality”...I think of it as the N’s personal soap opera which they live at the center of. So. Much. Melodrama. And it’s like they’re performing for some invisible audience.

[@RedroomStudios]

oh yes... the drama/melodrama and the passive aggressive behaviors! every little thing of daily life somehow gets drawn into their plot. nothing can just be innocent or neutral. it all has meaning for them and is evidence to be used against you.

[@thequestess]

My narc was always like, "god, I hate drama" over and over... but of course, he was driving all of it.

[@tauresattauresa7137]

They are not happy until they are unhappy or angry.

[@shape-shiftingcatandhermin2508]

Totally agree, my ex is Nigerian & I sware down every damn nollywoood film I've watched since then I've found myself saying with the bad characters 'he would say/do that' some of the situations that we had I've even seen as story plots, I'm starting to think he got all his ideas & lines from nollywood because looking back it feels like I was living some secret nollywood movie filming rather than a marriage which just confirms to me it was nothing more than a sham, some game or entertainment to fill in time for him, sad part is the signs were there with all the sob stories of how his previous wives had tret him & one was even trying to kill him (I understand why) but he was such a good actor & manipulator at the start & used the guise of being a pastor this soft sap got sucked in, my advice to anyone now is when get with someone, get them talking about their exes because what they say about them will be very revealing as to the person you are considering making a life with

[@Sweetpea1128]

My sister manipulated to get our parents entire inheritance. When I called her on it, she said she could tell I was upset about something I brought on myself. In that moment, I had the answer to all that had gone before. Scapegoat no more. I went no contact. I hope she has enjoyed the money, but there is no way she could enjoy it as much as I have enjoyed my life since! 🥰

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Good way to look at it. Dr. C

[@ThisIsMe155]

Wonderful!! Well Done You!! ❤🎉❤🙏🙏🙏

[@janeanderson7122]

Everything needed to revolve around the narc’s preferences. He was never able to admit to being wrong, ever!

[@illbeback126]

note for myself: underlying themes: alternate reality, entitlement, mood dependent on circumstances, more comfortable in anger mode than in understanding mode, poor introspective skills.

[@SW-hc5yn]

I was supposed to make HIS life Easier!! I believe in a HEALTHY relationship it is a mutual Respect and Partnership !

[@illbeback126]

@@SW-hc5yn "mutual".... Now there's a concept these candidates diverge from🤣

[@Kristin-mt2jw]

All of that plus fits of rage, then quickly flipping and acting like nothing happened.

[@dsmusicbird]

@@Kristin-mt2jw Seriously! Oh Lord, the insanity!

[@laurieduncan6096]

Nailed it.

[@gwendolynwehage6336]

My entire narcissistic family attacks at the slightest disagreement. They treat me as though I am stupid for not thinking like they do. This was the story of my life for all of my life because I don't think the same way as they do. I am a born again believer and want to obey the bible, that is an offense to them. They will become angry when I decline to do some of the things they want to do, so I am a bad person for not being just like them. Thankfully though I have moved on from them and are happy being me and living my own life as I choose.

[@usedabusedandmisunderstood8205]

kzbin.info/www/bejne/qJXXqWCmrc-LbqOIimothy 3:i1-7

[@dawnelizabeth1828]

That sounds like my narcopathic narc/psychopathic sistenemy's lol siblings/enemy's.It's caused me to go no contact with two of them and low contact with my second oldest with going no contact eventually.The oldest, I'm still trying to decide, it sucks yucky, yikes, icky, ugh and argh.I'm feeling lots of pain, sadness, grief and loneliness.

[@gwendolynwehage6336]

@@dawnelizabeth1828 so sorry you feel so yucky! I am a believer in Christ and have had to remove myself from the narcissists on both sides of our families. I was emotionally abused all my life by these angry jealous people but now if I encounter them I feel nothing, only sorrow for them. They are not happy people unless they are demeaning someone and I have been the target. There is no joy in them from which to draw peace. However, I am peaceful knowing that God sees it all and is on my side. Hallelujah!

[@salauerman7082]

Gwendolyn Wehage have you heard of without spot or blemish ministry on KZbin? I am subscribed there also. I believe you would find ‘internet church family’ who understands and supports you in prayer. On my part, I believe God has placed us where we are to give Him glory... and we will be persecuted. In my experience, I avoided painful relationships, only to find more. Now I’m working to learn responses which are honoring to God. It’s not fun, but fascinating how answering as God desires changes the dynamics. Seems like cut downs are ramped up as I respond better but I’m not angry like I was years ago, instead, more analytical. In narcissistic family relationships, while love means “happy you served a purpose for me”, we love with compassion: “I will forgive you as God forgave me, and pray God will have mercy on you because you won’t be happy when you die without repenting.”

[@annehynynen8153]

It's demonic what they do. Of course they reject you!

[@cindyyeager8627]

This series on narcissism is so incredibly helpful.

[@juliapurdy3950]

One word has helped me realize that I grew up surrounded by narcissist parents who all took the same attitude toward me. The word is "ungrateful." I can now relate it to a particular recent relationship that broke up, forcing me onto a path of self-discovery and truth, which has led me to narcissism. I was the black sheep in the family, other people knew it but I never realized it until about 10 years ago (I am now 74). All three of my parents (my mother, my biological father and my stepfather) accused me of being an ungrateful child, which instilled in me the belief that I was a bad person because I disappointed them. I was physically abused by my mother who was taking her heartbreak out on my biological father, who left us). I was the ungrateful one because I didn't appreciate that my stepfather adopted me when he didn't have to, fed, clothed me and paid for my education. My own father once accused me of being ungrateful because I didn't thank him for what he did for me, even though it was a few vacations with him in exotic places. He once told me, "Just remember who gave you life!" My recent crush accused me of ingratitude when I failed to obey his requirements, because he had "always been kind" in doing small favors like feeding my cat, while lying and degrading me by seeing another woman on the sly. There you have it: the narcissist expects gratitude for the most ordinary things, and if you don't display it like a brownnoser, you are "ungrateful."

[@spaideman7850]

yes, narc doesn't want to settle misunderstanding peacefully like an adult, either you surrender or you lose, choose one.

[@torresd61]

My sister had an affair then went into court and falsely accused my brother in-law of abuse. She wanted him to retire and then go back into the same job and pay her alimony accordingly 😱. My brother in law was never abusive. I went in to court and testified against her. This case made the internet!! The liberal judge ruled my brother in law needed to do this!!! He appealed thank God and won easily. My testimony which validated no abuse and the lack of any documented history of abuse helped. It was crazy!! You can imagine how I became the problem. My mother encouraged my sister to have this affair. It was with my mothers doctor. My father had just died and my mother told me it was helping her to have my sister there.... I asked my mother if she considered how a divorce and affair would affect her grandchildren. She gaslighted me claiming she never said what she just said. My brother is no better in this saga. I have no contact with my sister. Very limited with brother and mother but every contact it’s made clear I’m the reason they’re all miserable. It very sad.

[@NunyaBiznessK]

MY BROTHER: THE COVERT NARCISSIST: 1. He does not live/operate in reality. 2. He has no gratitude. 3. He expects everything, yet, offers nothing. 4. “He’s depressed” (how my mother, my brother’s enabler, describes his mental state). As sad as it is to know that my brother exemplifies all these things, it is true. No introspective. Check. No empathy. Check. Its a sad state of affairs. I hate to think that he is only going to get worse as he gets older. Geez....... I have witnessed his pathetic behavior for over 40 years, yet didn’t put the puzzle together until last year. But now, my eyes are WIDE open!

[@rachelmartineau8102]

Holly L Oh my goodness! You just described my sister perfectly. It took me 50 yrs of abuse and getting worse. She played victim card and stopped communication with me best thing ever. I feel free and not contacting her.

[@nicolemurdock945]

My life in a nutshell!

[@paulahunt3508]

Holly L my Narcissist is my own 32 yr old SON. I didn’t figure out what was wrong with him ‘til this year. And now, I’m worn out.

[@Wildchile]

I bet he’s not depressed

[@janetstonerook4552]

Wow...that's my brother too! Are you sure you and I aren't siblings? My mom babied my brother until the day she died. And then he demanded that I do the same once I moved back to the same area.! He'd call me up at night after him having a few drinks and blast me over events where he felt (falsely) victimized from 40 years ago. Oddly enough, he had always been treated better than the rest of siblings. My mom always said she knew he was morally weak and felt he'd go to jail if she hadn't interceded so much. Finally I snapped on one too many of these nights and called him a big whiney man baby! And went no contact! I'm sorry I let him get to me and make me lose my temper ( he loved that!). But I'm not sorry that it finally got me free from being scapegoated and all his bad behavior. I was the last of our siblings who tried to maintain any real contact with him. And now I don't and my life I so much better!

[@Canaday291]

My ex husband would always sabotage our peace and antagonize hostility especially when every situation or way of thinking had to go only his way or no way. Tantrums are his daily activity

[@RedroomStudios]

had the same with my ex GF... there was never any negotiating or compromise or trade off. always had to be her way or there would be a giant tantrum. she had the emotional stability of a child. if I didnt follow her demands she would say I was controlling and emotionally abusive towards her. I am a very easy going person and I am very good at compromising. I have never dealt with a person like her in my life before but she says I am the one who is screwed up!

[@21972012145525]

My husband was the same. Always found ways to SABOTAGE the peace or get others involved to do crazy making and gaslighting

[@richardlandis793]

Nancy Elizabeth Grady They also can become physically violent.

[@21972012145525]

Richard Landis yes, my narc husband as well. Although I have to say, he had a good mask and was strategic

[@catalhuyuk7]

My sister always responds to the truth by saying, "Why are you beating me up?" Now I don't bother.

[@Gemmarose9012]

They always find some justification for their toxicity. I don’t play the game.

[@sonnyca]

I don’t think there’s any hope for my father to change. When there’s unrest in a family, it is the father that needs to stay balanced and restore order. No wonder everybody in my family is struggling.

[@21972012145525]

I disagree-both parents need to learn and perform their roles. It’s really unfair to the other parent when one is lagging

[@sonnyca]

s21972012145525 > Father’s voice is the voice of reason. A dysfunctional home with a narcissist father can never function normally. A stable father however can shield his children from a dysfunctional mother. In my case, I hit the jackpot... both parents are dysfunctional 🤪

[@ashleycalloway9729]

“ if you’d act right,I wouldn’t have to be like that.” How many times I hear that .ugh !

[@user-pd8mi7ng7s]

That is the sound track of my childhood 😭

[@RovvyWade]

Sounds like my marriage. Months of silent treatment bc how I responded, her kids treating me horribly bc how I reacted, never any mention of the actions that caused my reactions. Was even told I was “punished” to try and teach me a lesson. A family of four with two teenagers and I was the one always in trouble always getting punished- so glad they are still together and with me gone it must be all sunshine and rainbows. I just want to be over this and get back to being the person I used to be.

[@mercibeaucoup2486]

It’s taken me 20 years to realize my abusive mother is also a narcissist. (Thank you) She’s 74 now living 100 percent in isolation and at the height of her victimization. I just wonder how many other people are in similar circumstances. These videos sure help. Thank you! :)

[@tatianahawaii13]

I realized when I was 33

[@sarahs5340]

I remember the narc sociopath I dated used to do terrible things and then proceed to blame me for the outcome. In the end I told him that I was no longer willing to accept or contend with the blame for situations he had created. He was a real conundrum! So much gaslighting and cognitive dissonance. It was mind bending. After three years I had to cut contact because he was becoming more and more hostile towards me. It doesn’t get better. They simply figure out how to manipulate and drain you more.

[@TheMandybug]

My soon to be ex would say, things like, " I can't do anything to please you" if I ever expressed a need or desire even a legitimate one, yet I was the one who could never please him. He would say, "I can't talk to you, and that is the reason I drink" when I was always there for him, catered to him and loved him unconditionally, he knew nothing about me. He was good at twisting everything around. I ended up being the scapegoat for everything, and he was the victim. What a sad existence, glad I am free. Peace is amazing.

[@lynneparker4136]

Congratulations, 😁 enjoy the rest of your life

[@sunbeagle9769]

This behavior malady is a global spiritual infection.

[@christinebuckingham8369]

sun beagle So very true sun beagle. p.s. your dog is adorable! 💖🐶

[@knowledgeapplied]

2 Tim 3:1-5

[@meloduple]

No matter where they come from, what personality, beliefs, language, etc... it’s the same everywhere

[@ruebensfilms]

Nicely said.

[@graceelaine698]

I agree. One could almost say that we are just labeling people too much but that’s because it’s so rampant in society now. Until a collective consciousness develops we’re screwed.

[@FFLL2112]

I’ve dealt with several narcissist and here’s the BEST way to handle them.. First you have to know they always, always play the victim. Their word is the gold standard.. Try to cross it, disagree with it or whatever and YOU are wrong. Narcs are easy to spot and handle if you know what to look for and what to say. The victim mentality AND the very self serving motivations are all about their wants and storyline. They are very ‘braggy’ and ‘hey look at me’ types. They typically believe everyone really likes and even loves them and their hero, grandiose persona. But watch out for their traps.. your pitfall will be arguments or even conversations. Conversations are their playgrounds. I’ll say it again, Conversations and Arguments are where they thrive, belittle and destroy.. it’s where they always want to be.. they will talk AT you or TO you but never ‘with’ you. There’s no empathy - zero. How you feel or what you want means absolutely nothing to them. You are beneath them and they want control, they do this by confuse, manipulate, twist things, etc. so here are the rules you have to live by.. Rule #1 avoid the conversation or the argument at all cost. You will lose. Period Rule #2 IF you have no choice but to engage.. strike hard with a short, concise STRONG comeback and don’t speak again. The harder and louder the strike the better. This conveys you are not weak and won’t be manipulated or controlled. Here are the best comebacks that prove they can’t progress their agenda on you. Again, walk away and don’t ever comment on the subject again.. you comment again and they win bc you’re back in their ‘game’. 1) it really doesn’t matter what you say, I know I’m right 🛑 2) you’re entitled to your wrong thoughts and feelings, but I’m right and it won’t ever change 🛑 3) my mind is made up and you can never change it 🛑 4) I’m not to blame no matter what you say or think, your words don’t phase me🛑 5) you obviously can’t see the reality in this, maybe someone on your level can explain it to you (while giving a low hand gesture)🛑 6) calling me crazy or overly emotional is deflection from the truth, you and I both know I’m right and not ever changing 🛑 (every Narcs goal is complete control so a great conversation ender is..) 7) I know you wish you could be right and control everything.. but we both know that will NEVER happen 🛑 8) you should try your tactics on someone who’s more like you (use lower hand gesture) you know I’m right and you can never change it 🛑 9) you know I’m right and way too smart for your game 🛑 Etc etc etc. these are great but if needed make them fit your situation if you are stumped or caught off guard always use #1.. it works in almost every situation. Revert to it, default it and stick to it. Rule#3 The day you find out you are dealing with a narcissist is the day you leave or start to execute your exit plan - period! The narc has a personality disorder that is a mental illness and they will not change. Most are not happy until they have completely destroyed your self esteem, ego, relationships with family and friends, etc. DM or comment here.. Let me know in reply’s what you are going through or how these work for you. Best of luck!

[@BabyTreasures]

I can relate to this so much! I've been with my husband for almost 9 years, and the relationship has had a theme where he gets very angry at me for no justifiable reason, then expects me to apologize, then frequently (even when I haven't recently done anything seen as wrong) places accusations on me of "you never apologize for anything you do to me".

[@deborahmeyers9914]

All of Dr. Carter's videos are timely reminders. When you live with a narcissist and want to practice separating yourself emotionally, the reminders are so helpful. It is so freeing to be able to tell myself, in these moments, "I'm okay" and "This is his problem," and "He is incapable of changing, feeling true love or caring deeply." Thank you.

[@JAYNEmM1962]

How do you keep healthy relationships staying with a narc. Mine lies so much or rearranges conversation to scapegoat me.when I go out I hear ugly things then retreat to my home.we live in a very small town I feel like I cant breath.

[@lioydwilliams1850]

Deborah Meyers,your lovely smile can make the news

[@susancooper3210]

I have a narc family member who is cruel and controlling, but made me feel that I was causing them terrible problems! I was constantly apologising just for being human until I realised that they fed off of my mistakes and loved to see me beaten down! Now I am virtually no-contact, but when I am in touch, I let them think that I am doing well - and it drives them crazy!!! Hard to believe that people are actuallly that evil!

[@sam-qp4hy]

I do hope you are doing alright :)

[@mikestanfield7514]

I've always liked the bulling narcissists who are always on the look out for a potential victim. the internet has opened up a wide playing field for these people / individuals

[@456inthemix]

true

[@carefulcarpenter]

Yes, Mike. And we can learn their habits--- which should help us deal better with those who show up in our lives. In real life they have to hide behind the facade.

[@misse7154]

It's amazing how many of them are on KZbin! However, I've found several channels, including this one, to have incredibly insightful and respectful commentary. Clearly we're all here because we value how we treat others - and don't agree with the maltreatment of others! As a moderator of a number of online groups, I find the kinds of discussions in the comments on various channels to be fascinating. Clearly KZbin has no monitoring, so many like to take advantage of this giant free-for-all. However, I appreciate fora in which active participants genuinely and constructively engage with bullying or disrespectful behavior. I guess it's not all that unlike real life. We all have to stand up to bullies. If we take away their power, they have nobody to take advantage of and ultimately they lose.

[@carefulcarpenter]

@@joseenoel8093 Did you edit my post? 😁

[@cymbolichuman433]

Even a regular thinking person do not enjoy taking responsibility for their own actions. It takes character.

[@usernane3652]

my narc borderline mother is dependant on making everyone's life as miserable as her life is. even going low contact is useless as all she needs is 10 min on the phone to unleash all her passive aggression. I can feel a huge no contact brewing inside of me. the thought is sweet.

[@stephenireland3816]

I once said to my ex narcissist flatmate “Why are you angry?” He said “I’m not angry, but because you said that, now I’m angry”

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Zero insight. Dr. C

[@stephenireland3816]

Another time I said to my ex narc flatmate "you have no self awareness" he replied "What! spacial awareness" clueless lol Of course he still believes he's the smartest person in the room.

[@Ambrosha385]

UGH I feel you. same situation among other n's in my life

[@caraghluukanen4156]

My fave attack attempt, which I had to ignore or I would have laughed out loud, was 'I'm much sicker than you!' (I have MS.)

[@whoucisme]

Narcissists prey.....Empaths pray.

[@CynthiaSchoenbauer]

This is the one that gets me every time. It's when he claims he is the victim and I start to feel sorry and then worry about him.

[@starseedsyrian773]

So happy I disconnected from this narcissist. He would tell me what to wear when I would come to see him and won’t let me have my choices. It was his way or high way in everything. When something would go wrong and I try to discuss it , his response would be “you scare me with the things you say” not to forget we never came to conclusions on our problems. He never showed me ANY compassion or empathy. I was a fool to fall for him initially because he won me over with his charm but didn’t take long for his true colours to show. It feels amazing to have him out of my life. I had to put my foot down and said “enough is enough” he said goodbye and I said the same. He may think ill come back to him because that happened in the past as I was totally blind but not anymore. He is not coming near me ever

[@user-qv9nw1dq2f]

You can’t please an unpleasable narcissist, you can’t reason with an unreasonable narcissist, you should not quarrel with a foolish person because it makes you look foolish. Thank you 🙏 dr Carter ❤ God bless you ❤

[@JennaD7207]

I've been with my husband 15 years and been wondering why we just can't talk. Now I know he's a narcissist, omg, he plays the victim every time I come to him about ANYTHING!! And anger is his default mode. Then when I get upset he says, I'm not gonna talk to you if you get upset, and he does the silent treatment. Even if I'm crying, he blames me!! For the first time, I realize I need to leave.

[@user-pd8mi7ng7s]

I knew it! I said it for years, they really are happiest when they're angry and everyone is unhappy!! "God I knew it for years, haha vindication!"

[@tedschmitt178]

My narcissistic ex wife of 31 years ALWAYS played the victim: her affairs (plural) were my fault, her lying was my fault, the arguments which went on for hours were my fault. And then she actually accused ME of always playing the victim. It was classic narcissistic behavior ALL OF THE TIME, and she used each and every narcissistic tactic in the book.

[@caleuxx9108]

Dr. Carter. I'm from a dysfunctional and toxic family of origin - father narcissist, mother eventually schizofrenic, etc… There was a point in time, when I was about 12, when mom and dad has such an argument, that he tried to strangle her, he also tried to tie her up with a rope and drag her to a hospital... back then I was able to respond appropriately and call 911. When the police arrived they talked to me and my brother. I dont remember any thing else but other aweful things must have happened. I do know that they eventually got restraining orders against each other. My brother and I were children and no one, no one took us out of the traumatic situations. No social worker was ever contacted by officials to keep checking in on us. I am a victim and so is my brother and all of the adults, who knew it was bad, failed to protect us from the repeated trauma. Many many adults failed us over the years. Society failed us. I called the police and no one protected us from the repeated trauma. Shame on every adult who does/did little or nothing to protect children.

[@joannebrazeau6533]

Where were you oh so many years ago! I am married to a narcissist for almost 50 years. It took almost this long to figure it out. I’ve found me though in this journey, I’m a loving force to be reckoned with. Blessings to all those who have not found their power YET 🙏

[@denises1868]

Meeee toooo!!!

[@angelazimmerman3853]

"I just want you to love and need me." I made a comment that shouldn't have done anything to him but resulted in a fight because we have plans today. He wants me to crumble and be unable to function today. He blames me for supposedly joint decisions.

[@egrace3738]

Gawd...i heard this 'I want you to want me like you used to'. Yeesh

[@steph.ania14]

I feel you. I've experienced the same-whenever there was a plan, a visit somewhere, or even my birthday or his birthday, he would ruin the entire day, stonewall me, criticise me, anything to have me lose control. It all ended in a series of psychotic breakdowns due to his Jekyll-Hide attitude towards me, rendering me unable to even go to work. He didn't stop until I left the house and the country to escape this Hellish part of my life.

[@lioydwilliams1850]

Angela Zimmerman,you deserve better my dear

[@shannon8315]

I think most of them prefer the oppressive know it all role. But they will take sympathy as a close 2nd.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Spot on. Dr. C

[@acloserlook5823]

Demanding the power of the oppressor AND the sympathy of a victim. No one else is allowed to be hurt, sick, tired, angry, indignant, or outraged. The entire realm of human emotions must be their's and their's alone.

[@GS-gd4yc]

Yes! I’ve been held responsible for the narcs depression, illnesses, and inability to move forward. She’s pointed at me as an abuser, even though her problems have been around for a lot longer than I’ve been around. And long after I’ve been around

[@lileelisamc.4722]

oh He** No!! Not jumping through hoops nor wasting my energy to try and please a narcissist. They are not pleasable. In my opinion, they seem to to take sadistic delight in watching you jump for them and twist yourself into a pretzel in an attempt to keep them happy...malcontents to the core.

[@poweruser3344]

this girl blamed me for all of the problems she ever had in her life, nothing is ever her fault, provokes petty stupid fights, engineers ways to sabotoge things important to punish me etc, every thing this dr. says is so true word for word. Im good, she can kick rocks. thank you!

[@nannanz2097]

He cannot stand for me to have a different opinion on any subject. He jumped up from the table shouting “ I cant say anything” turning the discussion into a personal attack. There has followed over a week of the silent treatment. Before I found your videos, this would’ve upset me, now I can see what is really happening. I trust myself

[@Nitya-r86]

This is one category of narcissists I seem to have the most trouble with, both inside of my family and outside. They are SO good at playing the victim that on countless occasions, I have found myself wondering if I was indeed the 'selfish' narcissist in the equation. Truly 'crazymaking'.

[@gracea9932]

Dr. C you and Laura are just churning out great and much needed content! I have to co-parent with the narcissist in my life and this weekend he berated me during pick up and blamed me for ruining his life. He literally held me hostage by holding onto my car door, forcing me to listen to his rant. Knowing how to handle these situations would be great.

[@petercrutchley6085]

Consider joining Laura's support group. Have found it to be most helpful.

[@caffrey1100]

Grace A That is ridiculous behavior and not normal at all try and change the Exchange where you wouldn’t hv to be in his presence ❣️💥❣️

[@judygreeneRedheadbeauty]

Maybe have the exchange of children inside a public place.

[@spiderok8663]

Can you get someone to be with you then they can't make up more lies and accuse you of all sorts

[@ingejustavanderhelm5208]

Dear Grace, you cannot accept this. If you do, he will go further next time. He is violating your bodily integrity, your freedom. Like you said, he kept you hostage. You must strongly show him your boundaries and the rights you have by law. I think you should get legal help. Good luck dear. Love from Amsterdam ♡

[@user-wm4je4ct8y]

My mother was hateful to me, who took care of her for 12 years, until the day she died and let me know it on her deathbed. I was to blame she was in hospice and dying. I said I love you the last time I saw her and she just stared hatefully at me in silence.

[@rachelmartineau8102]

v you did nothing wrong and keep seeing this channel. You did nothing wrong. Be at peace God bless you!

[@nacarreira777]

I am so sorry you had to go through that....what a terrible experience. I wish you peace.

[@dsmusicbird]

v They don't know how to love or understand love, let-a-lone feel it! They don't allow themselves to recieve love, appreciate it, nor reciprocate love or much of anything good. It's uncomfortable so therefore it must be turned to something negative. As if you did something wrong. Ugh. Inferiating. Can't believe you endured that for 12 long years just to get shat on =/ Its always someone else's fault or blame or shame, not their own. She was just projecting her own self hatered and misery onto you, because .... Whatever!!! Sorry I went on... All I mean to say is, you didn't do anything wrong. It was her own warped, broken mind. What you did to take care of her for 12 long years is very comendible. That's amazing. Hope you're healing 😊 hope you know that it wasn't, isn't you... You did good! 😘 much love back to you 💕

[@prittyugly86]

My dad says this is how it's going to be when my mom passes. 🤣🤣🤣🤜

[@tjbrown6019]

It has happened... I am in third trimester of pregnancy, and I was sick with Covid. I struggled to stand up I was so dizzy... I was so weak. Then the narcissist offered to bring us lunch. We told her what we wanted. She got me food that I am allergic to when I was already so incredibly sick. Her son confronted her and she said I should scrape off the allergens and just eat it. Like I did something wrong!! Then she decided since I didn’t give her any attention for any that drama, to talk to my family who lives far away and tell them my baby was going to die! She had my father in terror and tears. I called, straightened it all out, and advised them not to get their information from attention seeking gossips. I was proud of myself. I continued with my planned ignoring, and gave her zero reinforcement for her bad behavior. When they play the victim card, I see a small child with poor communication skills. She tries control me, but only I control me. I win every time when I don't play the game.

[@hisnewlife3543]

I’ve noticed when I call out the narcissistic behavior and identify the aspects of narcissism in his actions, he backs off. I think he knows he is one. Several years ago when I was going to school, I had free counseling services at my school. When he found out about it, he was so angry and jealous and he asked me, “Did they tell you that I’m a narcissist?” I lied and said no because I was afraid. He has a degree in psychology but it is only a bachelors degree and would insist to me that he is a psychologist. I found that odd because he didn't have a higher degree or any licensing or even patients, but even though it was a lie he would insist he was a psychologist. He used to tell me all the time and tell all of his family that I was a narcissist. So, I worried so much about that and when I went to the psychologist to find out, he told me that there was no way I was a narcissist because I wouldn't be worried about it and I wouldn't be seeking help from a licensed psychologist of I was one. It was then that I first learned about the disorder and he identified my then husband as one. What a relief! Only now, I have to figure out on my own what to do now and how to fix myself. 😔

[@corinnenorton6746]

My NARC has gone into the ignoring/ holding affection from me mode. I have realized that he is not a very nice person and doesn't care about me at all. He's waiting for me to kiss his rear and apologize to him...NOT HAPPENING!! If he was a humle man as he says he is...This kind of game would not be happening let alone all the others. The only thing you can do is remove them from your life. 💖👍

[@lizryan6289]

Her slander towards me became "my lying on her."

[@JB---]

Wow.

[@Rev1960-i2r]

I can relate to that.

[@horizonkage]

What you say your opinions are is wrong. She knows what your really thinking.

[@desicoinc.7956]

Talk about rages: The Narcissist I was with would call police on me and make up stories. He'd say I beat him up, I'm a Terrorist, trying to commit suicide. They know him, and kept saying I can do better. But I moved across Country to be with him and knew no one else. He didn't want me leaving the house because he thought I was cheating on him. He can cheat, try to threaten me by police, saying I need a lawyer because I am a bad person, and he threatened many times to take me to Court for no valid reason. He's the VICTIM. And anyone he worked with, friends, none of them talk to him. He also has aliases, and he is rather notorious for stealing money from customers, even keeping their cars. How he isn't in a prison or Psych Ward, is that Narcissistic Mask. Pretty sad and quite disturbing to think about. My Friends from High School, and throughout my adult life begged me to run out. I was terrified. But I had the chance the night he made that false suicide call, and he ran out of the house with a cooler of beer and pills. They found him and he was "afraid of her [me]". I was just outside in the yard, listening to Music. He got warned that if he called about me ever again, he was getting arrested. My Intuition, as the hours went by, and he wasn't back yet, made me panic. Everyone, including Law Enforcement, told me to leave, because if he hurt me in my sleep, he'd say that he called earlier to warn the Authorities. How he escaped each 911 Call, played the victim, and has 4 Charges of Domestic Violence and 4 Charges of Mental Abuse toward me. Still, he insists I am bad, foul names, said I got him fired from his job (not true). I still think that if I didn't leave that night, we could have worked it out. He kept visiting me, and could be nice, asking me to come back... He would turn on me - after I packed - and say, "I thought better of it. You're mean to me." What?!!! He still uses the phone as a weapon, and if I change my number, he would find out from someone my new number or Gaslight me for it. I do know he has a Good Heart, but he was being such an evil liar, forever blaming me for his past, that is riddled with Addiction, breaking the law, child abuse... And didn't ever marry. He is everything you say. You're a blessing to so many, including myself, for each day during this Silent Treatment Phase, "What will he do next?" My roommate knows him and even called him saying, "She lives here now. Stop doing whatever it is you're doing to her, because you scare her." Well, he called me, saying he knows where my roommate works, (my roommate owns a successful Auto Shop like "Narcissist Man" used to, but didn't ever pay business loans, mortgage, etc.), so he realizes he is jealous of him, and people DO like me. So, everyone loves him, he's the Expert in auto repair and can't keep a job. He can't follow a Boss's requests. According to him, I am the loser. Seeing I can survive without him is eating him alive. I feel bad for him, yes. However, I am finding myself again a little each day. Psychic Vampires are what they are. I hope sharing what I went through can help Others. I developed severe Panic Attacks and need medication for it. But I am bad. I TRULY tried my best to make him happy, but being a True Narcissist, he is miserable. And after reading the above, he tells me that I messed it up. Every day I learn more from you. I worry about him, then stop. And do something for ME. I am going to try those links in your Description. Last year when I first started watching your videos, he was Gaslighting me, and I was ambivalent. He had me at his mercy. Now, I am grateful to you, for I saw for myself of how Narcissists will do ANYTHING to make Others as broken as they are. Thank You, Doctor. 💝

[@pamelar5868]

No matter what you do, any "happiness" you create for them will not last. Better to do the right thing as a human and move on whether within or without the relationship. And yes, it is incredibly sad.

[@amyanderson6904]

this channel is one of the greatest blessings in my life right now. THANK YOU SO MUCH for everything that you do

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

You are quite welcome!

[@bradconnexion9442]

Everything with my narc is exactly this: She apparently does nothing of her own volition except justified acts, no matter how awful, in response to something I or anyone else may have, or been perceived to have, done.

[@horizonkage]

This is why I have had no contact with my mother for a few years.

[@sillycrow3834]

In high school on a Friday, waiting on the bus, I’d be armed with a sleeping bag and my things for a slumber party I’d been invited to, got permission and been planning on... if I answered Momzilla with the wrong answer or looked at her wrong, she’d make me drop my stuff before I’d go out the door and ground me. She would look for the tiniest thing to burst my bubble. I’d be bummed all day at school and have to come back home to that instead of the slumber party with my friends. We only got one night to go out as well. We were told to pick Friday or Saturday can’t have both. I look back at all the time she took away... all the lost time being spent in the house with her silent treatments. Such years of a waste of time for such a young person to go through. She’s evil

[@USNBLUE]

Silly Crow misery loves company. That's what she did and took joy out of hurting her child. I surely hope you longer have to live with her or have any contact.

[@rachelmartineau8102]

L That's a form of abuse glad you are educating yourself

[@sillycrow3834]

Orphan Thank you ☺️ it was a rough ride, I graduated in 1983, I’m 54 now. I was blessed with her kicking me out of the family in 2013 because of how I look. I’m an artist... she called me a tattooed up circus freak and wished I was never born... in front of my brother and adult sons. You could hear everyone’s jaw hit the ground. It was weird, I was there helping her with her art project. Omg it’s been total freedom ever since... funny that she hates how I look, she’s always tried to change my taste in style. I’ve had more compliments on how I look now more than ever because I’m just being me 👍. Haven’t seen, heard from or contacted her at all, it’s been absolutely fantastic 🤗

[@sillycrow3834]

Rachel Martineau Thank you ☺️ it seems I can’t get enough of these videos...Doc C is priceless! Completely changed my life for the better. Knowledge is power and recently regaining mine the more I learn. I’ll forever be watching these videos, they’re very comforting. 🤗 I’m happy that it’s been almost 7 years since last contact. I’ve had to deal with the realization of“loss” of her so to speak to understand that her love wasn’t real. Like losing someone you thought was everything but wasn’t. It broke my heart for awhile but once I got through it, I know now that I was just a fuel source for her.

[@RedroomStudios]

I have only experienced narcissism in a romantic relationship... at least in my case I am old enough and mature enough to deal with it and make my own decisions. I cant imagine how devastating it would be to experience it as a child from one of your parents! glad to hear you ended up ok though!

[@misstinytrader88]

I've realized that a friend of 25 years, who is now an ex friend, is a narcissist. She displays this, and told me it's been my fault the whole time. I and everyone else is out to get her. I tried to please her every and take responsibility for my actions, only to have her crucify me for it. Thank you for showing me how to deal with this situation.

[@susannay.3437]

Most of the time it takes everything within me not to react to my narc's spoken and unspoken invalidations. Praise God--He is my strength.

[@carpentertom2835]

I've been clashing with a narcissist for 33yrs and I just realized it, im devastated, I knew it wasn't me .I'm no angel but I don't deserve this shit

[@teachersusanute199]

„Why are pple mean to me? I didn‘t do anything!“ / standard phrase of a covert narc I once knew. Terrible woman.

[@joannajohnson696]

As an educator, I seek to understand the narcissist & why they do what they do. 10 years of research trying to understand. Dr. Carter, you & Laura have deconstructed the narcissist in such an understanding manner, that I am grateful for all you do.

[@camilleharris3457]

I liked the point about how they pull their emotions from others, that was always very draining for me if i was in a bad mood he was in a bad mood, if i was in a good mood so was he. It was like he really had no real self he had to pull it from someone else. Creepy when i look back on it.

[@lioydwilliams1850]

Camille Harris,I admire your lovely smile

[@stupidusedrnames]

It was so inevitable that I lost all love and respect for my narcissist ex after 20 years, I was so done.

[@JB---]

This explains a lot. I have been floored by the way my siblings can say cruel things to me, out of the blue, and then declare themselves victims. The only victims. I usually have no idea what they are victims of, but I've been told it was the hurt look on my face, I've been quoted as saying the exact opposite of what I said, I've been told I was cruelly misjudging them when I repeated back what they had said to me. It's a challenge to love these people and at the same time minimize damage to myself, but I'm learning.