When the avoidant ex seems unaffected by the breakup

Avoidants can appear unaffected by the breakup, but that isn’t usually the case in the long run #avoidant #avoidantattachment #dismissiveavoidant #fearfulavoidant #insecureattachment #breakup #discard #discarded #divorce #emotionallyunavailable #relationship #dating #situationship #relationshipcoach #attachment #attachmentstyles

[@joev7014]

Just remember guys, even if they do come back they’ll most likely repeat the same cycle and take you for granted. Take care of yourself. Do what’s best for you

[@basicinfo2022]

That's why it's important to make them earn you all over again and have a probationary period otherwise they'll hurt you again if no consequences.

[@Jay-fe3gd]

Someone out there saving this thinking “he does care and it will hit him later but he suffers from this” 😂 mean time he’s just happy he’s getting along with his ex and you meant nothing

[@zazlar4228]

I dealt with 1 avoidant ex who behaved like this after a breakup and as hurtful as it was, I honestly found it to be very very weird. It surprised me but it also didn’t surprise me in an odd way because the way he ran his life was almost completely dependent on external validation and perfectionism. Basically, he’s only going to behave in ways that don’t appear vulnerable because his sense of self was entirely dependent on what others thought of him so he could only been seen in the best light. Honestly, someone like that has zero capacity to truly have an emotionally connected relationship or even maybe friendships too. What I noticed with him is that when it came to dealing with emotions , he exhibited a very emotionally immature side to him; basically , childish reactions to emotional challenges. And yes, he suffered from anxiety and depression on an immense scale, go figure. As time went on after the breakup, it was hurtful and I longed for his outreach but in a subconscious way, I felt deep down he wasn’t even worth it. Why would I want to be with an emotionally disconnected and cold person. There’s no prosperous future in that. I like honesty, communication, vulnerability, expression, connection and you can’t get that from an anxious avoidant because you’ll just end up with an bland relationship and start craving connection elsewhere which I did immensely. To anyone who is going through this with someone who is an avoidant, please realize that you deserve sooooooooooooo much better. You deserve someone who loves you truly and shows it, not someone who you have to battle all the thoughts and sabotaging behaviors in their head for the relationship to even get a head start.

[@grabbelton]

It's so difficult to let him go inspite that I know all to well why I should and probably need to .. good to tread what you erote6.. thanks.

[@qendresaful]

Wow I went through the same situation I’ve completely detached from him he was exhausting to deal with

[@blissdoubt3931]

It’s the worst when they say they love you but you can tell they don’t and if you were to say otherwise they act like you shot them in the face. You just know when someone is lying about that for a superficial connection. There was a time when I thought she loved me but I think she never truly loved who I am I think she loved the idea of a yes man who will do anything she wants. When she figured out I have my own problems and wanted my own space she started slowly detaching then out of the blue dropped me like she dropped a penny. Cold and indifferent. Hurt at first but now I know I would’ve never been fully satisfied with an artificial connection. It was always that I needed to change never, we need to work on things.

[@zazlar4228]

@@blissdoubt3931 she’ll likely forever have artificial and superficial connections with her further relationships. You eventually hit a brick wall with that kind of behavior and wonder why your love life isn’t prosperous or fruitful

[@qendresaful]

@@blissdoubt3931 it’s so fucking pathetic I’m sorry you are going through this it’s truly painful we will get past it

[@abrahamlincoln8913]

Thanks, im at the 1 year break up and coming into understanding of all this more. Makes allot of sense. Its unfortunate and i wish i could help my ex. But damn, she needs to be humbled.

[@brandonrussell9118]

Couldn’t agree more. 1 year in July

[@RaySmithWeb]

Mine, too. Been a year as well. #NoContact

[@krisreynolds9490]

We dated EXACTLY 1 year then she left me. Things seemed so great. Never saw it coming. She ever said “things were coming up on a year and I knew they were getting serious and felt I needed to make a decision” Yet we freakin lived together that entire year…. That had been serious 🙄

[@srs083]

He left me post 10 years and its almost a year since he dumped me! Been there..i am not fully healed, but am taking baby steps!

[@silmaful]

@@krisreynolds9490 omg… same story, EXACTLY one year later she left me… it was getting too serious 🫥

[@formalhault5820]

When she came to me it was like she was running from something... Now I understand what.

[@swanam_1]

Exactly!

[@hayleylewis1062]

I was discarded more than once by the same person … the last time was the worst as he was so cold and like he never knew me at all. It’s really upsetting as I gave many chances but pulled back as I could no longer feel it was right to stay. He told me he saw no future with me yet two weeks before that he said he wanted a “fresh start” … it became so painful. Thank you for this helpful explanation ❤

[@TheAppaloosa14]

The exact same happened to me I also pulled back and stopped seeing him but was still open to communication but with boundaries. I was also discarded like I didn’t exist for the second time. Hugs it’s very hard. An excellent book I read really helped me, it’s called shame begets shame. Might really heal Those scars for you. ❤

[@robertmanna7692]

One of the best videos I've seen about avoidant attachments.

[@haihai5293]

true.

[@BirdieHaze2207]

Agree

[@usxc]

I agree 👍🏾

[@JDMarshallZ]

This just happened to me, thought I was going to spend my life with her, have text messages from 2 days before saying she would never give up on us then basically broke up over the phone and with little to no answer. Finally went no contact after 24 hours after seeing your videos. This is a hell, I’d never wish on anyone.

[@Growwithgrace101]

I hope my ex doesn't come back because he won't like what he finds.

[@BirdieHaze2207]

He made me a stranger in a phone call 12 weeks ago, a few days before I felt so close to him. Ouch!! This is very informative, thanks.

[@manuela_esse]

I didn't know anything about attachment styles. Now that I do, I did the research and found out that my former ex is a dismissive avoidant. We were together for almost 7 years. Out of the blue he left me in 2013 and moved to London in early 2014. I felt like I counted nothing to him. I went NC. In 2017 he texted me and said he was back home for the holidays and he would love to have a coffee with me. I said no and went NC again. We met in 2023 as I felt confident enough to go to his father's funeral. We met after exactly 10 uears. A few days later we agreed to have that coffee. We talked for hours. We are reconnecting because I see his growth and his willingness to put an effort into communication when there are problems. I don't know how this will go but I am now aware of attachment styles so I am getting educated on the topic

[@LenkaSingh-gl2be]

Beautiful story. Sorry you had to wait so long, hope it pays back to you ❤

[@manuela_esse]

@@LenkaSingh-gl2be thank you ❤

[@blessedbee186]

Ha. The “change” is short lived. Its hoovering.

[@manuela_esse]

@@blessedbee186 I know it might be the case!

[@robertgull5275]

returned to the relationship that abruptly ended after she contact me again right around a month (second time ) now this is the 3er time she leaves and truly thinking it doesn't worth it ,,,,,I still have feelings for her but my feelings now are more important than in the past ....Avoidants are seriously hurt people and they will get you sick without even considering the harm they are causing.

[@deanporter5882]

That used to be me. I'm a DA who is going through serious work with a therapist who understands wthe trauma specific to my type of attachment. Much of what you say is true, but therapy, painful as it can be (again, with a therapist who fully understands the DA behavior) is making a world of difference.

[@joyregueira2536]

How did you find a therapist that understands DA attachme t?

[@ashton1952]

Much respect for people who are trying to overcome the challenges; we didn't ask for this style but it happened; takes strength and courage but it's possible to change it.

[@deanporter5882]

@@joyregueira2536 it took me almost 2 yrs to finally get the therapist I have now. Trial-and-error unfortunately. A lot of therapists say they are familiar with family trauma, but they're really just echo chambers. They really don't understand the depth of the pain or the behavior very well. My current therapist has a clear process. We're starting EMDR in a few weeks. She suggests reading material. She asks hard questions. Her questions help me go deeper into myself to find the answers on my own.

[@deanporter5882]

@@joyregueira2536 It took a while. Almost 2 yrs. A lot of therapist say they know how to work with family trauma and they're really echo chambers. My current therapist is active. She asks challenging questions. She has a proce that she articulates from the beginning. She guides, but allows me to dig deep inside to find my own answers. I still have a lot to learn. We're moving into EMDR treatment in a cpl weeks. It's worth it to struggle and learn. I'm learning how to be honest about my feelings (and how to process my feelings in real time)

[@13sprintuser]

You are one of the few DA's that have enough insight to start therapy to become securely attached. Good for you

[@DanHoller-eb6xt]

this explains exactly what my wife is like. i wasn’t home as much as i should have been due to the pandemic. i stayed at my business to put in a lot of hours due to limited employees. she felt that i was intentionally avoiding her & it effected her in a way i could never imagined. we’re in the final stages of divorce now & it still hurts immensely.

[@relaxing_naturechannel]

But you can’t give up. Seems like she loves you, she probably just doesn’t believe that you truly love her. I believe that if you can make her see it, there just might be hope for your marriage. And this may take time, cause broken hearts take time to heal, so you do have to be patient and be there for whatever she needs. I mean, you made her fall head over heels in love with you before, you can do it again. Pro tip: Women need A LOT of reassurance. Affection and romance won’t hurt either. All I’m saying is, if she’s wrong and you actually do love her, then please don’t let her go. You just might live to regret it. May God help you both 🙏🏽

[@IngridLennon-np4ds]

Im going through this and he even asked why I didnt ask him to help me with moving out… uuuh because I’m hurt and I can’t even open up to you because you shut me down???? Geezus. It’s crazy how unbothered they act when they were the one to cause the lack of trust and communication. They apparently crave being vulnerable and pull away when you act on it. It’s horrible.

[@HANZELVANDERLAAY]

Like my x gf.....please.leave and never ever look back...aweful what happened to you here.. gluck

[@HANZELVANDERLAAY]

Mine left me when I had COVID bad..sick person to do that

[@theliterarytarot]

You have a very soothing voice and presence and I’m so glad I found your channel. Long time and yet I’m still healing ❤

[@tonymorph3672]

My avoidant ex monkey branched and left myself and our two year old daughter for another man six months ago. I have been left destroyed while they are having a great time. Makes me suicidal. How is that fair?

[@sharchannel1836]

Sorry to hear that's its not fair at all DA's aren't nice people

[@ashton1952]

@tonymorph sorry to hear about this, all I can say is to research also about narcissism, monkey branching and triangulation are traits likely to be more that than avoidant, and often the two are confused but they're very different, and it's crucial to know what we're actually dealing with in order to try navigate. You're gonna be ok, with time this too shall pass, this storm will be over, and there are brighter days ahead, things can only get better now for you, and there is good in the future for you, build something amazing with your little one, you have each other and amazing days ahead. Keep the faith, sending hugs

[@ashton1952]

​@@sharchannel1836please stop judging, not all in the category are the same as your ex, and some are just people with PTSD. These comments sections are getting a bit too much, esp because this category tends not to complain about the other styles, but any insecure style can hurt and mistreat others, and any insecure style can have NPD as well as their style.

[@rayawake]

@tonymorph3672 man that is rough. mine had an affair and then when I found out and confronted her she discarded me/the relationship. my mental health plummeted. been divorced a year and a half now and I’m doing soooo much better. do you want someone to talk to? I’m here for ya brother

[@HANZELVANDERLAAY]

​@@rayawakerite been there....gave a donation at the ...save a hoe... foundation..since moved on🎉

[@JosephEAvery]

A delightful video. My relationship of 5 years ended a month ago. The love of my life decided to leave me, I really love her so much I can’t stop thinking about her, I’ve tried my very best to get her back in my life, but to no avail, I’m frustrated, I don’t see my life with anyone else. I’ve done my best to get rid of the thoughts of her, but I can’t, I don’t know why I’m saying this here, I really miss her and just can’t stop thinking about her

[@JosephEAvery]

Amazing, how did you get a spiritual counselor, and how do I reach her?

[@JosephEAvery]

Thank you for this valuable information, I just looked her up online. impressive

[@kiddytube3915]

I sometimes feel sad and like I’m crying. Especially near midnight and early mornings. It’s weird, because that’s not me nor am I feeling sad about anything. Could it possibly be the avoidant ex that is still trying to connect telepathically with me? We’ve broken up for over a year now, stopped communicating 5 months ago. And every now and then, I feel like something in me is crying.

[@theynoh]

Me too. 8 year relationship. I think it's more like, you're sad for them, and since avoidants don't feel their feelings much and project them onto whoever they're in a relationship with (or just severely repress)... it's normal that you're feeling that detachment of the other person's feelings. I experience that too.. it's like a weird emotion ghost that is lingering.

[@ashton1952]

​@@theynohI'm not sure that I agree with that, that they don't feel their feelings, it's just that they don't show other people. It's about survival, because when you showing people your vulnerability can lay you completely open to being attacked.

[@ashton1952]

@kiddytube Empaths often have this ability

[@maxamillion2140]

As a Dismissive avoidant, I have tons of confident and feel great on the inside, and when my ex came to me with an ultimatum, i said lets break up completely unaffected and gave no indication of sadness. We had a discussion, i really didnt want to be apart of that but i felt i owed it to her. The next day i go to the bookstore, and i realize i'm holding back tears. But i make it through, and i just feel so much relief though i really was scared of losing her as a friend. I don't cry or show emotion on the spot, so never at a funeral or anything, it hits me later randomly in safe private places.

[@zazlar4228]

Sorry, but you shouldn’t be dating anybody and should see a therapist because that type of behavior is very unhealthy. Why should people pour their emotions and vulnerabilities into you whilst in return you give them nothing but the cold shoulder. You have issues and need to work on them or otherwise you’re going to be wasting a lot of your own time in relationships that will never really prosper and just hurt other people. It’s not fair to waste people’s time like that. I can spot that type of personality very quickly now and I will drop them in a heartbeat, no joke.

[@maxamillion2140]

@@zazlar4228 Yeah that's why i try to date people like me and avoid people like you

[@zazlar4228]

@@maxamillion2140 you'll be doing the same thing in 20 years lol

[@ashton1952]

​​@@zazlar4228the irony is that he is being vulnerable sharing this and talking about his feeling here. What att style are you? what you do when you open your heart and reveal your soul, and the person either attack you in your most sensitive emotional point, or they remember what you said and use it to manipulate you later, or use it to hurt you? How do you handle this?

[@ashton1952]

​@@maxamillion2140totally, this type of person likes to take the moral high ground. So easy to have lot to preach but they only learn when they go through what the other has been through.

[@therealkeinemoniker]

sadly i think i ended up being the rebound relationship for my FA :( i was with her for about a year. i got her to tell her she loves me, but anytime she was triggered she didnt really love me the way i loved her, or she just wanted a "casual" relationship even though she stayed with me 4 nights a week. she was seeing a guy before me and immediately befriended him again when things ended. she claims she'll never date him again and they're only friends but im' not a fucking idiot. last night i told her Im not interested in salvaging our friendship and would rather not see her at all anymore, atleast until she stops gaslighting, dismissing my feelings and acting like we werent anything serious.

[@stylephyles8932]

I love your videos...I have gained a better understanding about the DA I was dealing with and how they discarded the relationship over something so small after 3 years was literally heart-breaking💔 ...and now I understand the term "Rejection is Protection". I literally feel like I have dodged a bullet. Please Please don't stop doing what you do - Again Your videos are awesome and they truly do help people - Thanks Again with all my heart!

[@KGloom262]

Wow, thank you so much for this

[@sugandha_verma]

Thank You.

[@user-pw6gn1zt2d]

Thank you! Too late but so so helpful

[@andrewharris373]

Thank you...

[@jeannettehelbert2541]

Oh I like this. Great job explaining this.

[@Moonie787]

I love your videos, they are so straight to the point snd informative, no to mention highly relatable. Thank you, Coach Ryan 💐🙏

[@SS-in1ts]

Really good video

[@LenkaSingh-gl2be]

Wow thank you! I understood it intellectually now for some time but emotionally I wasn't still quite there. But at the end of your message something felt little different. I felt reliev. Thank you for the way you formulated the information we already know ❤

[@beeje1309]

Thanks

[@rayawake]

Great video, thank you ❤

[@therealkeinemoniker]

do one on fearful avoidants

[@blessedbee186]

They r self destructive and will destroy u.

[@piek359]

The irony is i thought working on / at least understanding my anxious style would magically fix my problems…. Forgetting that other people have their own (arguably DA is worse) which could really hurt 😢

[@angelatshazi2934]

Same. I had worked so hard on myself and developed a secure attachment style and now all my work is unraveled from being with a DA

[@jordantewari]

Thanks coach! Needed this. My girlfriend is bipolar as well, and said that I didn’t respect her in the relationship whatever that means even though she was quite happy and we got along very well for a year and a half.

[@David_Me825]

I lost my fiancee this way a week ago. I understand you bro.

[@jordantewari]

@@David_Me825 do they come back? How long will this last. Has it happened to you before. She blocked me and changed her number and moved to another state 11 hours away.

[@fionam3735]

Yes the ex husband couldn’t hold back from playing victim in such a charismatic way all the while he’s setting me up behind closed doors to react so that he can get rid of me and the kids. He did succeed and moved someone in almost immediately that was much younger and it lasted a year. Years later he still does what he can to take me down and will never stop

[@ashton1952]

Sounds like NPD

[@tredd9019]

"They find ways to distract themselves," alright. In the bed of the toxic chick that dumped him pre-me...A few months before remembering to dump me (and our engagement) for ZERO reason😳 Run from these creatures. Just because one of them, one time, somewhere, wanted to be better, doesn't a rule make. RUN.

[@fightingmonk123]

I feel like I know it when she is messing around with another guy. Is this feeling called paranoia or gut instinct?

[@bpawlosgobezie9082]

Please check your volume for the videos. Its very low. Thx.

[@user-pw6gn1zt2d]

Ouch

[@hissweetgrace]

If emotionally healthy partner doesn't discard their partner, then what does an emotionally healthy person look like when they break up? Or maybe they don't. Anyways, a video on that would be appreciated

[@kshitijamaske6266]

Sir please make a video on narcissist 🙏

[@endlessthoughtspartitionma1349]

I dont know if i'm avoidant or not. i was very much unaffected by a breakup but its becaus she cheated. does that make me avoidant ? cuz i does affect my life. i have severe trust issues and when i look at avoidant videos well they discribe me very well now. before this situation, not so much. i changed for the worse.

[@DeathFromAboveGames]

So many of these life coaches are so lame. They’re not even experts. Just self labeled experts.

[@brandonrussell9118]

I really hate avoidants. If this is you, then yes, I hate you. They don’t feel any pain ever and when they do it’s long away in time and the damage is done and now they’re the victim what’s the point- don’t bother. It was just a massive waste of time and pain with someone you’re not getting back and shouldn’t take back and is never going to change but has changed me forever.

[@sharchannel1836]

Agreed

[@ashton1952]

Saying that you hate people, based on the experience you had with one, is not nice, not everyone in the category is exactly the same and some are empathic and more aware. People who've done you no wrong have to read this too. Avoidants feel pain like anyone else, they just don't express it the same way. I think maybe you're confusing att styles with NPD which is a clinical disorder, and narcs don't have empathy. NPD can occur in the same individual together with any of the insecure styles, and that includes anxious. The most important thing is detecting emotional mistreatment (there's a list) and getting out of the situation, and worry about the diagnosis later.

[@memoresto3480]

@@ashton1952very well said…….a lot of people seem to be pigeon holing every one in the same category

[@brandonrussell9118]

@@ashton1952 You are right. I said what I said tho.

[@CandyNecklace6]

​@brandonrussell9118 I agree with you..I dealt with am avoidant....and they trashed my name to their family and they would search for me at work but it was confusing af. So I understand your feelings...it sucks and it's a horrible pain that lasts for so long

[@bangondedrumallday]

Your videos are the clearest to me about the way this relationship ended ... I recognize all of this, now. I have not gone no contact and I do feel comfortable with the idea of doing so. I'm ready to do it. He won't like it very much, maybe, but he's being very casual about the occasional contact and I'm over it. Thishelps so much.

[@lakshmineuroscience]

Blame is on both sides.

[@callmeishmaelk767]

Maybe the "avoidant" just realized theyre not feeling it with the dumpee. They're probably not feeling pain, they're probably feeling relief to be out.

[@zazlar4228]

Very likely they weren’t feeling it to begin with but just dragged it out , out of convenience and that is deceptive and typical avoidant behavior. That’s the whole point of the video. It’s perfectly fine if someone doesn’t want you but how you treat a person in that process speaks volumes about you and your maturity level. If you can’t express, communicate, be honest with people about your feelings, then you have no business being in a relationship in the first place.

[@callmeishmaelk767]

@@zazlar4228 sounds like the alleged avoidant said they were no longer interested and broke up. If you're breaking up with someone you're probably not going to have much feeling for them once they decide to end it.

[@zazlar4228]

@@callmeishmaelk767 avoidants never have much feelings to begin with because they can’t connect on an emotional level hence why it’s easy to discard relationships. They ALWAYS have a mountain of excuses to not stay or be in a relationship and typically no one is ever really good enough for them. The dumpee feels the hurt but they are honestly better off being with someone on a much more emotionally healthy level.

[@callmeishmaelk767]

@@zazlar4228 you don't know that, sometimes stuff just doesn't work out and after dating awhile the dumper realizes this ain't the one, next. That's the point of dating, to see if you're compatible.

[@zazlar4228]

@@callmeishmaelk767 I think you’re maybe a little too simplistic in your reasoning. Maybe a lack of experience or you don’t really connect in your relationships. We are talking about avoidants here, not just regular people. Avoidants don’t operate on Vulnerability in relationships, they operate on self protectionism and that protectionism is often a fear response to the slightest thing to end a relationship because they aren’t truly invested. After a certain age, you don’t date that way anymore or waste time on those types. Avoidants don’t really nurture relationships hence why it’s easy to discard and like you said, NEXT, onto the next one. You’re supposed to date with intention, not without purpose. An avoidant person will date someone who wants kids, family and lead them on whilst they know themselves they aren’t ready for that and will find excuses, problems to end it when the relationship requires more vulnerability and openness to move forward. Remember, we are talking about avoidants, not just regular people. Avoidants always love to stay in the ‘grey area’ of dating rather than purposeful or intentional. I personally will not date someone who is closed off, doesn’t really want marriage, kids, family etc dating someone at a certain age who just wants to casually date indicates to me that they aren’t ready for a serious relationship but want the benefits of a relationship and will discard you when it gets more serious.