Why The Dismissive Avoidant Won't Chase You After a Breakup | Dismissive Avoidant Attachment

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In this video I'll talk about why the dismissive avoidant might not chase after someone following a breakup.
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I’m Thais Gibson, welcome to my channel and thank you for stopping by!
This is a channel designed for you, to be used as a resource to create lasting transformation in your personal and professional life. Here you’ll recieve an ongoing series of personal development and spiritual growth videos for you to expand your awareness and find resolution and deep understanding within.
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#Relationships #DismissiveAvoidant #PersonalDevelopmentSchool #PDS #ThaisGibson #AttachmentStyles #Love #Dating #Romance #Breakups
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[@caseyfurtaw1075]

Sorry, for anyone that’s trying anything with an avoidant person. PLEASE end things immediately. the pain that you will go through is not worth it. you will go insane.

[@IdontspeakBro.]

Best answer. 🤣

[@FrankTheTankk320]

Cannot agree more with this. Unless these people are willing to work on themselves.

[@Leviajohnson]

Jesus that makes me feel great thanks for that…

[@jennasittler3142]

I never felt more crazy than with the DA or more worthless. People leave their ass asap unless you enjoy torture

[@bvad7884]

Jenna Sittler I dated a Narc and I dated a DA, the only torture I went through was with the Narc. They are very similar and can be mistaken for one another, it's just that the Narc is calculative

[@Themastermindscanvas]

I'm no longer dating avoidants period. I'm working on becoming secure myself.

[@oliverposch666]

Sounds reasonable

[@Youalleatmuffins]

Me too

[@missjenn3963]

Wise! And, as long as you are in a relationship with an avoidant who is not doing their work too, you will struggle to become secure yourself

[@Leviajohnson]

Gee thanks…

[@mrsimo7144]

How do you know when you first met? Thanks

[@kalifornia4745]

This is what I have found to be true in my relationship with a DA as an AP leaning SA. They would never put effort into our connection, but would bend over backward with unending amounts of empathy for people that were completely cold and emotionally unavailable. I completely threw myself into caring for and nurturing my DA, but their attention was not on our connection. It was on everything else that didn't ask for emotion. It was on the people in their life that were not emotionally available but would feed their ego. I couldn't get this person to lift a finger for me in the relationship, but they would talk about all the things they would do for everyone else. If I ever, EVER dared talk about my needs, I would get rage, gaslighting, stonewalled or broken up with. To say it was fucking painful to be in this relationship would be the understatement of the year.

[@fatefulmilk6979]

Bro can we please talk I’m an FA out of a relationship with DA recent I need some more insight

[@yougotgroove]

It took me to figure it out, but these ex boyfriends or male friends give her validation. There’s no pressure, no commitment and no emotional expectations. And with these people, there’s no vulnerability there.

[@kalifornia4745]

@@yougotgroove that’s completely true. I was just revisiting this tonight before you posted because she still has a friend that likes her and having this toxic person around feeds her ego.

[@yougotgroove]

Female, dismissive, avoidant can keep male friends and fall back to get comfort and validation without having to be vulnerable. They don’t have to expose any intimacy. They don’t have to show any imperfections or flaws. It almost becomes like a false sense of self. I think it just keeps them even further away from bonding with someone significant. I really truly believe that they want to, but it takes a real conscious effort you could be more of a secure attachment style and become A little preoccupied and anxious. And that’s the signal but you have to especially her boundaries. And that’s not easy to do if you’re loving that person unconditionally. I’m in that boat right now and I’m actually focussing on myself, and I’m giving her the space that she doesn’t need, we are dedicating one evening for a week do you understand Our attachment styles. We love each other, doesn’t mean it’s going to work. I’m learning the closer I try to get, the more I try to get her to open up, the more distant and dismissive she becomes. She realizes now that I realize that I can definitely move on, and Align myself up with somebody who’s a little more secure an attachment, And the reason why she knows this is because I love her unconditionally, and I’m not attached to the outcome anymore. If we part ways, I’ll still love her. It’s so much easier when you don’t have expectations or you’re looking as if love is a transaction. We’ve come to the conclusion that if we can’t offer each other what each other needs, then we will go our separate ways. The reason why we’re still together is we both know that we need to grow, and we both know that we are 100% total control Of choosing to put in the effort to create the relationship that we both want. As difficult her attachment style has been difficult for me. I am emotional level, it has revealed a lot of areas that was subconsciously preventing me from becoming the best person I can be. She’s really making me walk to talk, she’s also raised my level conscious self-awareness. That was an awakening and it was a rude one, but I had no idea I came to her regarding the relationship I have with my daughter, how it’s not as good as it once was, and my behaviour towards my daughter, was with the best intentions, loving intentions, caring, but I was almost being a bully. We talked about it for about five minutes, and she pointed out that my daughter was right and I was acting like a bully, and then I need to smarten up. I immediately took the advice and immediately changed and stayed with it, and even took my daughter about a month to realize that my behaviour is totally turned around and changed. Now I have the most amazing relationship with my daughter. It couldn’t be better. So I’m learning, and she recently came to me and told me that she was watching something on attachment styles, and that she joined a group and paid for it, online, and she laughed and said, I’m dismissive avoidant, and I was so happy. So we’re hanging in. Now that I understand her, after two no tears, she finally opened up to me a couple of days ago regarding her childhood. I asked her within the first 3 to 6 months of us dating, she wasn’t really saying much a year later she said, her childhood was fine, and just a few days ago, she opened up without me even asking so I took a long time but, we’re working on it and I have just As much work to do as she does. We have work that only we can do ourselves, and then we have work to do together. Time will tell

[@BaseballDadAz]

It all just makes me think sometimes that we should put some older wiser couples in charge to just create arranged marriages for us all, and coach us through it, and us all not wing it and have to analyze every single thing! Lol

[@ashnoel38]

I put up strict boundaries and walked away after my DA tried to shutdown and walk away (he would always apologize later and thank me for sticking with him through the hell) for the 4th time in 2 months. I don’t think so. As an Anxious Attachment, this was very destructive for me. I love him but he needs to meet me in the middle just as I have for him. I’ve always been his source of peace and security and love. I have needs too. ❤️

[@shabeenabeauty]

Thats exactly I did with my DA, I believe they are not willing to meet AP needs but they want their partner to fullfill needs & are grateful fo that too. But for AP it gets exhausted at one point

[@robertocausey]

They avoid working on themselves and it is so damn frustrating!! But hey that's their shit, we gotta take care of us! 💪

[@raimaishrat5934]

Wow. i wish mine arrived but he maybe wouldnt

[@umbrascitor2079]

I feel so connected to this. Recently walled off a DA/avoidant FA in my life when she started treating me like an inconvenience (again) when I needed consistency and communication the most. She was aware of it, and made a deliberate and conscious decision to put me aside and focus on other people in her life that she found more engaging. Meanwhile, I had been a safe, reliable, patient, generous, affirming, and forgiving anchor for her through the toughest times in her adult life. I did my human best to care for her in ways that were welcome and effective, and could only have done better with extensive psychological training and years of clinical practice. Even if I had so much insight at the ready, there was still nothing more to be done so long as she was incapable or unwilling to meet me somewhere between her needs and mine. I've left a door open in my wall for her to come back to me as a friend, if/when she is prepared to have a comfortable space for me in her life. But I will not be the one to reach out. She knows she means something to me. I need to know our connection is worth her effort before I'll let her back in. I may not hear from her again, and that's fine too. I deserve people in my life who will make an effort for me. We'll see how it goes.

[@sparkwill5337]

PREACH SISTA!!!!

[@parkerdixon3028]

Being in love with a DA has destroyed me as a person , never again. We were together for almost a year. Dated long distance for 5 months after I moved away . Relationship was amazing, saw each other couple times a month, intimacy , romance , everything was amazing. Moved back home where we both are from and it was a decline over the next 6 months . Once intimacy increased and we were closer than ever. She pulled away... constantly. Things would be great , then the next day she would be distant and pull away and I don’t know why. Treated her amazing and gave her everything I had. Only for her to end things abruptly and say she isn’t feeling the way she used to about me. It’s been over 2 months since we broke up and it hurts me still every single day. Miss her more than anything. No contact helps but it’s still hard. Anyone struggling with a DA partner plz save yourself the inevitable heartbreak and end things.

[@theartofmichaelpape]

Sounds like she is Borderline. Have a look: kzbin.info/www/bejne/eYnbnpeGa56Jpac

[@pianomaster455_official]

I feel your pain. I left my DA 9 months ago and he’s been hot & cold since. He says he cares for me then pulls away. So I don’t say I care back anymore - he’s probably seeking validation anyway or is bored. I have said it back before and he still pulls away. When I don’t say it back he still pulls away. His excuse is - I’m working I’m busy. People that care make effort. Period. I have moved on and am happier, we don’t speak unless it’s about our son but at times he tries to ask how I am and that he still cares. I will never ever again have a relationship with a DA. I am secure attached until I fall in love them I am Anxious attached of the man gives me reason to worry such as pulling away or talking about exes a lot.

[@raimaishrat5934]

Same here

[@nureyamiller7914]

My DA partner would also pull away randomly, would be so warm and close one day and then the next it was like I barely knew him, I’d say something about it and he’d be like “what do you mean? this is just how I am, im not doing anything wrong?” Of course he’s not doing anything wrong but he never saw how his emotional openness and withdraw rollercoaster was crazy making for me (AP)

[@prettymei_]

The DA who I was dating with was like this. Everytime we get closer, he pulls away. When I pull away, he would come back. Emotionally draining. I am exhausted with DA.

[@prettymei_]

It’s so hard to deal with avoidants. We need to play the guessing game especially if you’re anxious.

[@hhholly]

I blocked the DA. I’m in control of how I feel. I deserve happiness.

[@chocolatykitten]

Same

[@SK-no2pp]

Good for you!

[@hhholly]

@@chocolatykitten I’m thankful i found her videos so I can educate myself on this even more.

[@NicoleLam]

yaaaassss!

[@gflteFresh]

So why are you here? Just curious.

[@shumeister1059]

I don't chase, because I'd rather be with some that mutually wants to be with me.

[@punchdrunkbunny]

I hope you see that logic is flawed. You mention "mutually" and that involves both parties showing interest. If both parties show interest - there is NO chasing anyone. Just a matching of efforts. It's not the either/or that DA's have told themselves and I am one in the middle of healing, so I should know the lies we use to get safety without giving vulnerability. Then we have all control and we can use that to push/pull when and how we want. I know this all sounds diabolical for anyone reading (DA's get enough crap on AT) but it's all very subconscious and there really is no ill will. It's purely self-protective.

[@shumeister1059]

@@punchdrunkbunny Isn't that what I said? No chasing. So what are you on about? I re-read your post and I still don't get it.

[@redrumax]

@@shannonkay12345 Mind fuck, very well put.

[@Babydoll-gf6cm]

Some people deliberately behave this way in order to keep you chasing their validation and to maintain control over the relationship. Only you can set boundaries for yourself and when ppl show you who they are, believe them the first time! Don’t continue to stick around for more of the same abuse they have already shown you. You have the power to walk away at any moment, don’t leave it up to them to decide to end the relationship if they are not giving you what you need. It all starts with knowing your worth and having your own back. They are who they are and you cannot force someone else to change their free will. You can however decide if you are going to continue engaging with that person who has clearly shown you what they are all about.

[@chiafen37]

Exactly. We need to understand that we can’t change them. Walk away ASAP!!

[@marcopervo]

You’ve tapped into a slightly taboo topic of attachment styles. The old saying “whoever cares less wins” is more pathology than conscious dating strategy for a DA. If it didn’t work there wouldn’t be so many perplexed exes on here trying to come to terms with a DA they just can’t get over.

[@Oklahomie95]

Wow. I didn’t expect to come to KZbin and get dragged like this but here I am.. 😭

[@reflectioninthesnow7953]

Amen!!! I walked away...far away! Bottom line...it is better to be alone than in an abuse relationship, where you are constantly being gaslighted, disrespected and being invisible.

[@enonz761]

I should have left him in the very beginng, when it still was easy...but I let him get be back a few times, let my guard down & got my heart broken 💔

[@wendydaniel1110]

They have too much pride and ego. They feel they are superior to others and they don't feel anyone is worth it ..They are grandiose and feel entitled... They are deeply disconnected to themselves much less others....They fake it because they cannot follow-through after the love bombing...Save yourself the headache and go with someone who values you....

[@Malariaman]

That's really not fair. These people are damaged and have had difficult upbringings with absent caregivers. I get you may be hurting from your experience with a DA. But try to have some compassion for them. And have some compassion for yourself too for surviving the experience with one. That being said slinging sweeping accusations is not fair and it just demonstrates your own anger pain. Do some healing

[@SheSoForeign]

@@Malariamanif they are damaged it’s up to them to go seek therapy - not to hurt people in the process because they don’t have enough self awareness to seek therapy or help. I’m tired of yall defending DA’s when they are the problem and are going around hurting people.

[@zdravomihovil96]

I just dated a DA for a few months.. never again. I was anxious for the first two months of the relationship because it seemed like he was half in and half out... like if I disappeared he wouldn't even care. I basically felt like I was putting in almost all of the effort into our relationship. Then as soon as I finally started feeling more secure in our relationship (and I'm secure attachment btw) and we put a label on it... he almost immediately looked for reasons to sabotage it and he broke up with me out of nowhere for the most stupid reason. Now we don't talk and I have him blocked on social media. I will never date an avoidant again.. I discovered the attachment styles about a month into our relationship because I did not understand him at all and I should've ended it then.. because it seemed like the outcome was inevitable.

[@nicolebiaggini5907]

Mike Antonio same thing happened to me he asked me to leave over a stupid thing I did& he made it big. Ihve no contact from him I did after 30 days but he still keeps grudges and have his pride or he just wont listen to my side of the story instead he blam s me for a verything that have happened but it was all his fault& he paid the cosequences

[@redrumax]

My DA even told me that once he gives me my trust he looks for reasons to take it away. Manipulative to the bitter end.

[@marcd2743]

"because it seemed like he was half in and half out..." Are we talking about bedroom stuff here or?

[@brianhill6842]

@Mike Antonio I’m going through this right now with a guy I was in a situationship with. I only call it a situationship now that I realize it’s what it was. Mine told me I have always just been an option. How did yours turn out?

[@MIMIDSH]

Sounds familiar.

[@ellej1836]

I was a perfectly happy person until I met and dated a DA. He was so charming at first and told me how much he liked me. He was chivalrous and would hold my hand. But then he started getting more and more distant, going out to bars alone, ignoring phone calls and texts. He then wanted to talk about our long-term plans, and that’s when I mentioned the recent lack of communication. And that day he broke up with me. From talking about our future to breaking up in the next minute. Refused to talk to me at all. So I went over there to talk to him and he was so cold, his face looked completely different. Just stone cold. He never would talk to me. He had been abused as a child, terribly and I’m sure that has made him mistrustful of love. I didn’t realize that one comment like that could end our relationship. I still miss and love him but I also realize that he probably would never be good for me in the long run.

[@DaysofLot]

Mine said he wanted to get married, then suddenly told me he's "not ready for a relationship." (He's 42 years old.) This happened after I sold my house in order to move closer to him. Now I'm heartbroken, but you're right that these people would not be good partners in the long run.

[@sparkwill5337]

I’m sorry you experienced this. I went through the same thing last month. On a world wind high and one conversation he ended but I’m proud of myself because usually I’d beg but not this time. It was a simple ok 🤷🏾‍♀️ ohhhh but it hurt

[@mollysreadings4845]

​@@sparkwill5337 good job. 💖

[@mollysreadings4845]

​@@DaysofLot this is awful. hopefully you sold high and can buy low as prices come down.

[@kalifornia4745]

I had the same experience. They actually initiated more commitment and then ended it the next day after I talked about my needs.

[@blackpoole4026]

Luring them back is totally not worth it. The best you get is a restart of the honeymoon period, which they abruptly end at the end of the 3-6 months. Mine tried to fade me out at that point and started callously pursuing other women, like he didn't have to try any more. I feel that the DA's Thais meets, who pursue self growth and healing, are a different breed to ones we get in the wild. Run!

[@70Mishi]

Same thing happen to me. I saw on his computer two women he was interested in being with after an on and off period and it marked right on 6 months

[@paniq_fnite]

Haha. True 😂😳

[@winbu1483]

Same here Mine blindsided me with things and was on Timder HOURS after the breakup searching for a hookup. Who the fuck does that to someone they supposedly cared about?

[@winbu1483]

@Wei Li Full respect towards you for taking the step towards improvement and healing. What hurts me the most is that my Ex acknowledged in the breakup conversation that she wasn't being a good partner to me, that she had to work on communication, that she was emotionally underequipped for a relationship and that I did nothing wrong. She said what you said while also hiding her emotionally cheating, monkey branching and giving me the silent treatment for the last month of the relationship while leading me on. Experiencing that makes you question reality and REALLY makes you wonder what the heck happened and if they meant what they said I'll never tear anyone down who's actually working on improving themselves!

[@Vollbio3]

I guess a DA watching this channel, would be considered pursuing self growth then. :)

[@anacarolinaneves5311]

Being in love with a DA is tiring but it made me really open up to myself, see myself and seek for change, to be honest. I don't know if I would understand and engage into this level of transformation if I wasn't in a relationship with this particular guy. Even if it doesn't work out between him and I, I know that after all we had said and done, both of us will be less likely to run away from our fears and more likely to be secure from inside out. Thanks, Thais.

[@zaraz3425]

Omg right?! I share the same experience. It does hurt a lot, but thanks to my DA ex I can reflect better on myself.

[@heyowazzup8900]

Saaame. I’m actually very grateful for this experience also.

[@tequilabumbum4373]

Sameee girl! I feel like he came into my life for a reason, for me to finally realize that I need to love myself more and stop tolerating bad behavior. Im still with him, but I think I will break up very soon. Its just not worth it.

[@anacarolinaneves5311]

@@tequilabumbum4373 Yes, sis... You’ll find a very nice relationship. I’m rooting for ya.

[@justinefreedom5964]

Same experience for me. We have challenged the hell out of each other...but have also grown so much in the 6 years we've known each other. But the key factor is that he wanted to grow and improve and become his best self and break some patterns. If someone doesn't want to...it makes it so much harder. Having said that...I remember many phases where they didn't want a bar of some of the things I offered in helping...but a few years later as more comfort and self exploration of the mind come in and they gradually became more open and willing.

[@Stella-cv4mc]

Me: *gives my DA security* my DA: *deactivates* Me: *doesn't give my DA security* my DA: *deactivates* (No hate towards DAs, but being in love with DAs destroyed me as a person)

[@SK-no2pp]

Same! Better to find someone secure and can love you and express love in a healthy manner

[@thehapagirl92]

I agree. DAs who aren’t working on themselves are definitely not suited for relationships. DAs are also almost always men because society has conditioned men to believe talking about emotions and working through hard patches in relationships is feminine.

[@hhholly]

I agree too. Don’t wait for alignment. They need prayer for recovery from a distance. That’s the best security we can offer them.

[@Stella-cv4mc]

@@hhholly Amen!!!

[@Mrs.T305]

Me too. It hurts

[@ChilledOut]

My DA ex broke up with me in the power struggle phase after our first disagreement. He fits this description 100%, thank you Thais 💞

[@NickRyanBayon]

Same

[@dankline9162]

Definitely same. I want her back! I am learning as much as I can, but it's hard. She doesn't want to open back up to me yet. Is cold and short with me after giving her 6 months of no contact. It sucks, but I am determined and patient, more so than any other guy would be.

[@SK-no2pp]

@@dankline9162 what are you getting out of the relationship? You haven’t gotten your own needs and wants met for a minimum of 6 months. You can’t change or fix someone. You’ll lose yourself

[@dankline9162]

@@SK-no2pp kzbin.info/www/bejne/bmmwYoKplqugj7s

[@SK-no2pp]

@@dankline9162 yeah but Thais also said you have to give it some time and then eventually cut your losses! I have extensively studied this. In my humble opinion, most people who had narcissist parents either become codependent (the chaser, anxious) or end up with avoidant /cluster B disorder (the runner). If you carry your childhood trauma into adulthood, you end up repeating your childhood dynamic in your romantic relationship. Example- your parents were emotionally unavailable, you’re subconsciously attracted to those kinds of people because it’s familiar. You never received unconditional love as child, so you keep trying to prove yourself to the dismissive avoidant. Your inner child actually badly wants to be seen, heard, validated.

[@sailorPinata]

The more I hear about Avoidants the more disgusting & repulsive I find them

[@Oceansta]

You have no idea how much peace and calm your videos bring. I was seeing a DA without knowing what a DA is. After she left suddenly, as they apparently do, I had a total meltdown. Had no idea what I did wrong and turned suicidal almost. Clearly, something had been triggered in me by this DA. Your videos give me a tremendous sense of closure and resolution. Thank you so very much.

[@caroshmarow]

Feeling similarly- feeling wounded & deeply triggered. Hope you find love & peace soon

[@gitanacowgirl]

Same thing happened to me. It went from mind-blowing chemistry and spark to complete disappearance - as in literally quit his job and moved back out of the country. Yes….these videos put our utter despair into perspective. It was not our fault.

[@caroshmarow]

@@gitanacowgirl It does help listening to these YTs on Attachment Theory. The pain is unbearable but, I do fundamentally believe that we were saved from more time with the emotional range of a ghost 👻 😢 Be happy soon x

[@urielbp2756]

I felt the same . I decided to leave the relationship, even though it's difficult to let her go .

[@Sharon-jg9ls]

Same here. Only a few months but very intense. He was looking for flaws and when he found one everything changed. It knocked me sideways.

[@hmanfilms]

Can you do a video on the difference between avoidants and narcissists and the similarities? I feel like there are so many similar characteristics and behaviors, and codependents/anxious people have a hard time figuring out if they are dealing with a narc or avoidant... Either way, the pain feels the same. These people chase you, put you on a pedestal in the early stages, love-bomb you - then completely shut off emotionally and reject you and put walls up to never let you back in again. They start to run hot and cold, slow-fade, throw you breadcrumbs, and eventually try to force you into breaking up with them or just completely disappearing. It's a miserable hell and is so draining. The intensity in the beginning is so intoxicating and addicting to love addicts/AP/codependents, and when it's shutoff overnight it's like withdrawal from heroine. They shut you out and never let you back in and it's so hurtful to have someone who seemed to be "in love" with you, be so ice cold.

[@yusee2010]

I don’t think all DAs love bomb…I think someone could be narc and DA the same time My DA ex did not show any narcissistic traits in any way only when we got close and he was triggered We took our time to slowly work on the relationship but once we were just one step before becoming bf gf, he just broke it off out of the blue 😢just a few hours before that we were texting each other all day and planning what to do for the next day 😢it hurts so mucj

[@Calbizzle]

So true. They made me feel like I was doing everything right until I wasn’t. I’m a hot & kind person. DA will literally take anyone for granted. It’s miserable

[@mk9199]

Love bombing and putting people on a pedestal is not a DA thing. It is common with personality disorders like borderline, narcissistic and similar

[@letsgooooooo111]

​@@CalbizzleI understand this 100% My ex DA had me feeling like I'm "too much" Thank goodness I had dated 2 people before who made excellent partners and had lovely relationships so I knew what kind of partner I was; the one other people don't want to let go of. So, when she iced me out I ran for the hills. It still hurts but DAMN, I DODGED A BULLET

[@acpgiga]

Sounds like a relationship status definition for "It's complicated" ...

[@yougotgroove]

Sad day today. I finally had to leave her.... Two and a half years, after the fourth dumping (of me) We agreed I take a month and she said tell me in a month if you still want to be with me.... I said unconditional love does not change.... So we agreed no contact by me , I will only respond if she reaches out (Big mistake) The next morning she messaged me.... And the sarcasm, insults, nit picking, passive agressive behavviour gaslighting continued. I calmly packed up my things and drove home in the worst TORONTO SNOW STORM IN YEARS ((fRIDAY NIGHT, 18 HOURS ago. I still ove her, I AM DEEPLY SADDENNED BUT I DID THE RIGHT THING. THE HEALING NOW BEGINS.

[@akshaydedhia]

Hi. It's an old comment of yours but just wanted to check how it turned out for you ? How long it took you to heal completely?

[@yougotgroove]

@@akshaydedhia comes to winds here comes the healing, healing only occurs when a person no longer re-opens your wounds... Is that person keeps opening them, you will never heal

[@monaqueeney6885]

The DA can feel exactly as neglectful as your parents. Neglect is a form of abuse. It’s hard to hang in there for a perpetual Groundhog Day . My son is a teen acting in this away. It’s feels abusive. I feel deeply saddened by his state and also deeply hurt by the neglect and disconnect. I was very emotionally connected with him but his father very dismissive and in fact punishing when my son would be free and open and endearing .Divorced too late after recognizing his emotional abuse towards the two of us.

[@jw70478]

My eight year old stopped kissing me when she saw that her DA father doesn't kiss me. It's been like that for a while. He stopped kissing me two or so years ago and she followed suit sometime within the last year.

[@MaraD1234]

@@idlybye5002 lol thought the same 👀

[@robertocausey]

I just cut off my avoidant partner as I worked very hard on myself and the relationship to make it work without him meeting me halfway, love is not enough if you're needs are being neglected and there is no effort on the other end to evolve and grow... it hurts like hell to walk away but I should be my own priority.

[@alinebelle9055]

It's heart breaking especially when we're in love with them. I just gave my DA an option to either stay on and work on the relationship with me or call it quits. Have yet to hear anything back.

[@kelleyanne4372]

I believe I was dating a DA. It was long distance which explains how he could handle the distance. He pursued me hard for the first month. I let my walls down. But when I needed more commitment, he pulled back. Long story short, We kept trying but I felt I wasn’t getting what I needed so I ended it although we had such an amazing friendship established. I told him if or when he is willing to come to where I live and tell me he wants to work it out, call and I will be happy to talk about it if I am available still. We live a 2 hr plane ride away. I tried. I need more stability 🤷🏼‍♀️. I can’t do emotional unavailable relationships. Note: I went to visit him twice already, he had not been to my home.

[@violetsky__7649]

Don’t even try to make it work with someone that doesnt even put in half the effort. I just ended a 10 month situation with a DA and I’m feeling SO relieved. I hope one day you will too.😊 it’s so sad to think that some of the most loving and caring and generous souls can be treated like total 💩. I don’t know why but some of the most genuine people get overlooked and taken for granted. I really do believe that people have been brainwashed to believe that their kindness will be rewarded-(not always). 😕what’s more important is to be your biggest advocate and find those out there that DO equally reciprocate and appreciate you. I think APs especially should learn to be kinder to themselves…

[@SonnyEstufaShieh]

sounds like what i had. I always visited them. but they almost never.

[@aramaierdenkind3373]

i had the same for the last two years and we couldn't meet for the last year cause of covid.... i was so patient and but he withdrew more and more but also didn't wanna let go of me .... i was so trapped in that but finally managed to end it two months ago.... since then i learned so mich bout my own anxcious attachment style.... still he became one of my best friends over the whole lockdown time.... i am still grieving.... i still somehow wish for a miracle 🙈😓🙏

[@brianhill6842]

This is literally my same situation. I made the effort and visited him. He has done nothing but offered excuses. However in the two months since I’ve visited he’s been either sitting at home or going to some birthday, Halloween or other fall event every weekend. Any of them I could have been invited back for or he could have come out here.

[@Vollbio3]

@@SonnyEstufaShieh Sounds like my AP.

[@ccrider55]

It’s just so exhausting dealing with this. I’m dating someone who is 45%FA and 55%DA. I have never experienced anything like it. It’s so painful and hopeless. The end is near and I hope never to fall in love with an avoidant again.

[@wildwoman4911]

Thank you! Worldview shift: I have wondered so many times why he doesn't reach out to me when he's so obviously attracted to me.

[@gabe9646]

Avoidants don't deserve to be in a relationship until they become secure. They are toxic (although they dont mean to be) for secure people and especially for anxious. Nobody should have their feelings played with

[@mariahmariahhh]

Exactly!

[@vhagler01]

I joined your school and I'm a AP .. My partner is a DA.. we talk everyday on what I've learned and we are working on it together to both become secure. Every since I joined things have improved tremendously. Best choice I made. Now i understand him a lot better.

[@michellebrightspark]

Why do DAs abandon their partners when they fall sick or need them the most?

[@ATR-mt5rz]

Bc they feel overwhelmed. Maybe they think “ I can handle my own emotions by myself (I don’t need no one)! So u can too!” They first need to love themselves and learn how to love others. They seriously lack empathy:( wish them well!

[@aracelialto]

I went through this myself with a DA, it was very confusing to me even as a SA person. Getting sick requires and even demands a level of self empathy and compassion that they don’t have for themselves and you should not process for them. Depending on the sickness they are in a state of forced vulnerability, which no one wants to be in but it’s especially hard for DA’s to cope.

[@carissahowell]

Because we're scared that we're going to do it wrong and make things worse and we'll be hated for it.

[@shumeister1059]

Because we can barely deal with ourselves? If I feel like crap, I have a hard time being present and nice.

[@aleayh]

@@carissahowell abandonment is far worst than what you’ve explained ….. you’re not making any sense here 🙄

[@alliellioxenfree]

Recovering DA. Don't chase on account that anyone worth dating deserves better and/or it's a DA/AP trap that's more brain damage than reward.

[@billyb3105]

Can you explain this please? I’m not sure what you mean. I believe my gf is a DA and has been telling me that I deserve better. She had some family issue that I think lead into some mental struggles and separated herself from me for a month

[@jh5588]

@@billyb3105 as a DA if I tell someone they deserve better it’s because we know that at some point usually pretty soon we will hurt you. It’s like a heads up or warning that we will be exiting soon and genuinely don’t want to hurt you by making it any more painful for you than it has to be.

[@blest4152]

@@jh5588 100% in this one!!!

[@dmitryisaev5955]

@@jh5588Why not to try to undergo therapy and make an effort to head for secure attachment style instead of hopping from one relationship to the other hurting scores of people around?

[@srmillard]

This characterization of the DA really hit home, specifically why they won't pursue. I actually dated a DA who literally said "I will never be the person to reach out to you first." And she didn't. Now I understand what happened to her and why she will never initiate

[@GA-rs2ei]

6 years together, after aaaaall the suffering and aaaall what I read and hear on “how to become more secure” for a DA… we made it thru (or I though we did) the stability phase. Then, one day he stood me out for vacations with no explanation, called back after 2 weeks… and after a month he stopped reaching out after a dinner… and that was it. That’s how 6 years relationship ended 5 months ago. He never reached out again. Funny no?

[@westcoastorbust2462]

Dear God. I’m so sorry

[@ceranyab1223]

I'm encouraging not to give chances to mine of a few months

[@louyiechen]

My goodness! Same hr! After a 5 yrs relationship we're fine i adjust so much into the relationship it feels like ive dated a close book! He did not complain, he always say everything is okay, we did noy even fight because he says whats the point of fighting it makes him miserable and give him a headache beacuse he doesn't know how to face the problem or fixing it. One day he has a business trip and suddenly become hot and cold, i complaint about it because he was so consistent in contacting me! The more i complain my needs just time a bit of his time he doesn't know how to handle my anxious preoccupied and become more distant and cold. He ghosted me for 3 weeks, i was more anxious and fearful because he left me hanging not even a single word that he need time and space he just suddenly disappeared, when he cameback with a big news he doesn't want to fix our relationship or misunderstanding or whatever it is he just want to escape and thrown me away.. And after that he did not contact me at all 10 months already passed. Im still hanging while working my healing. Our property that we bought its all line now haha its a win win situations, he broke up with me and left my life shattered and i keep the property that its supposed to be our future home. (we even plan the wedding and to have kids) all of that trown away because of his Dismissive thing!

[@thomaspugh9969]

Dated a DA for 5 months. She made a wedding pintrest page and told me she loved me and how im the first guy she ever felt like she could marry. Shortly after, she started having anxiety attacks and unable to sleep...started self sabotaging the relationship and told me she isn't she if she wants to get married and that she might not have feelings for me. After a couple weeks of that she told me she needs to work on her anxiety and fear and she knows she wants to be with me for the long haul.....2 days later she breaks up with me out of the blue at her house telling me i was just a good time to her and she never loved me or wants to get married again....very cold and robotic....this was 3 weeks before we were supposed to fly to PA to meet her family for the holidays. She never reached out to me again and heard she had a few one night stands shortly after. 3-4 months later she got into another relationship and did the same thing with him 4ish months in. I saw her at church and walked up to say hi and she looked at me as if i was a total stranger and kept walking as if i was a ghost. Most bizarre thing i've ever encountered and hope I never date another DA/FA again. Nothing but pain and confusion comes from dating them.

[@sojournerkarunatruth4406]

You’re going to keep being attracted to DA’s, as will I (thank ma and pa’s deliberate irresponsibility)👌 Thai can say wtf she wants but **injustice** **is** **injustice**

[@thomaspugh9969]

@@sojournerkarunatruth4406 first and only DA I've dated. She love bombed me which was a first too. Hopefully never again

[@sojournerkarunatruth4406]

You can’t learn unless you live, first; now you know 👍💝🙏

[@firstladyqueen5985]

@@sojournerkarunatruth4406 huh ma and pa's deliberate irresponsibility?

[@JC-ct3oi]

@@sojournerkarunatruth4406 this is not true.. Yes we attract DA but atleast we have now an idea of what is to avoid. .. Thats why we have to work on ourselves to attract more secure person.. i am a strong believer of the saying "we attract what we are"..

[@ziggypip2938]

You add good things to the world. You’re awesome, woman!

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

such a kind comment :) thanks for your support - PDS team member

[@zaraz3425]

She really is. I have improved myself a lot in such a short period. Thank you so much, Thais!

[@jaydee8697]

I couldn’t agree more. She’s a real blessing, not just her ability to teach in such a digestible manner, but how she truly wants everyone to just be healed, and happy

[@Cl-ue7wn]

Her courses are GREAT! Currently doing the Break Up Program and it is so so so helpful

[@Taki_Rad]

This was great but I was hoping you would talk more about why they don’t chase specifically & not so much on when they do chase. Many would benefit from understanding why they choose not too. Great vid regardless :)

[@TheAnnemieke]

I understood from the video that they don't chase, because they don't want to be vulnerable, they don't think it will work, so why bother? They want to avoid pain. It's how they are programmed in early childhood.

[@smileyface702]

They don't chase because they don't have positive associations to doing that. Rather, as a baby, they had really negative, painful associations to trying to reach out and reconnect to a distant/unavailable caregiver and this not working. This strategy of being vulnerable and reaching out just wasn't effective in getting their needs met. What was effective was turning into themselves and trying to "self-soothe" primarily through disassociating from the pain and distracting themselves with pleasurable things. This is now a subsconsciously engrained strategy in the adult dismissive avoidant. This is what I got from what she said in the video.

[@Skalli10]

@@TheAnnemieke It hurts even months after the breakup. When you realise the person didn't even contact you once. In that case, I was simply thinking "did she even think once about how I feel? How I am doing?".

[@TheAnnemieke]

@@Skalli10 I know how you feel. But everytime I did reach out to my DA, he told me that he didn't contact me because he didn't want to hurt me anymore, not because he didn't care. I think that's the case for quite some DA's.

[@StevenSheeran]

@@TheAnnemieke So how is that ment to work in terms of repairing the relationship If they think them staying away from you is best for you?

[@xScarlingx]

My FA/DA came back because he has been working on himself & realised his ways. He’s so much more present. I’m waiting to ask him what he thinks his attachment style is

[@hhholly]

U should send him these videos

[@xScarlingx]

@@hhholly slowly slowly. I’m about rebuilding rn. We both are. I dont wanna diagnose him lol But we are having a lot of deep talks& I see such a huge change& effort from him working on himself that I know I will touch on this stuff soon enough so I will update if you’re interested

[@southernsoul152]

You seem so mature in your approach! He’s blessed to have you

[@xScarlingx]

@@southernsoul152 Thank you! He better feel that way too 😂

[@krystlebonner7720]

@@xScarlingx how long did it take for your ex to comeback post breakup??

[@nadiaislam1998]

You're so on point! I wish I had known this earlier! Thank you!

[@reyr.7439]

Why would an Dismissive Avoidant person be looking for a relationship if they're just going to run away?

[@Jay-qh6uv]

Relationships can be fun at first in the honeymoon phase. We can be enjoying things but get scared and feel threatened when things get more serious. We may fee socially obligated to be in a relationship, or fear dying alone. I myself have an ideal friendship-type relationship I would like. I would love a romantic or semi-romantic long term relationship in which I’m totally respected as an individual, don’t feel suffocated and don’t feel like I’m trying to be assimilated into the other person. One where we’re two individuals together rather than me being able to sustain myself and the other person just being a whining set of needs I have to compromise by peace constantly to meet. Once I realize I won’t get that with someone, I start running. Either that or I’m just bored.

[@december12twok12]

@@Jay-qh6uv May I ask what you mean by bored?

[@yellowishgreendragon.-.]

@@Jay-qh6uv Then it sounds like you want a business partner and not a relationship. If you call someone expressing their needs and wants "Whining". Maybe you just shouldn't date. People have wants and needs and when you have a relationship you need to put effort in to met those needs the way they probably do try for you.

[@jjc2323]

@@yellowishgreendragon.-. agree. DA just wants a friend to hang with whenever they feel like it (on their timeline) and nothing more serious. And usually you have to ask them out - they avoid doing this typically. No emotional connection except in the bedroom and that’s only off they feel like it. Very controlling. Fear of any type of commitment. No emotions. It’s very odd especially to me (SA). My DA is on several dating apps. That’s how we met. We dated for several months and when I finally was comfortable enough to be intimate with him - I asked him to turn off the apps and just be with me. I only have sex in a relationship. He proceeded to friend zone me. Excuse was different communication styles and our schedules. Ok 🙄. So I be imagine he is gay. 👍👍

[@niacherryblossom]

@@Jay-qh6uv i get ur bored part for me being a DA i need to feel a new emotion i have never felt before bit the problem is the.next the i feel it it's about 50 percent less exciting and of I'm exposed to it again it's like null almost void of feeling ....it's like taking an antibiotics or pain meds it worked fine the first time taking it and by the three time one has to be prescribed another drug and this is what happens to me with ppl in my surroundings.

[@lanal1732]

I don't regret falling in love with a D.A. but it's really hard if they don't talk...

[@douglasnunez190]

That is so true, she doesn’t even talk to me

[@ammu1295]

Thais, can you do more on the DA and how to encourage feelings of safety? Speaking as a fearful avoidant, I would love more support in how to engage with my partner.

[@tiagoguerreiro131]

I am curious too! Good question

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

will bring this suggestion forward to Thais and the team. I would highly encourage you to take the intro DA course in the school as it has a chapter on communication with the DA and the best way to get heard, needs met, etc. without stepping on core wounds and triggering the feeling of not being safe. If you're FA you should take the intro FA course as well! - PDS team member

[@tiagoguerreiro131]

Also, @PersonalDevelopmentschool could I ask you to make a video that pinpoints the difference between a DA, a ‘player’ and a narcissist? We were having a discussion about it on the Facebook group. Can a DA have been playing with plenty of people as a coping mechanism to avoid true intimacy, therefore stays in the dating pool, or texts and connects with different people? Can they change? And could I ask if there could be a video that you could mention if a DA can change in regards of a promiscuous sex background? Thanks! And thanks for liking our comments!

[@firstladyqueen5985]

@A Smorge I'm also wondering if it has anything to do with the phase of relationship that you're in. I think Thais mentioned this in her video. Aka different phases require different strategies. Remember when she mentioned the dating stage, honeymoon, power-struggle stage, and stability stage? So does it depend on how long you were with this partner?

[@unknownforce7517]

Don't bother, it always ends up bad. If they don't want to work on themselves and try to become more secure it will end up being worse than any nightmare. This is the worst attachment style, it's abusive belittling and completely stressful and it's just not worth it it's not worth the work, it's like having a lemon of a car, why try to fix something that will always break down. Might've put it in the junkyard and find a new car that you can depend on

[@Linda-td5si]

Thank you for this, Thais! This gives me more clarity as to what may have been going on with my DA concerning me and another ex. Will be heading over to the Advanced DA and Stages of a Relationship courses. Appreciate it!🙄💚🌿

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

Look forward to seeing you in the school, I think you'll love it! Thank you for your support - PDS team member

[@joy-lopes]

thank you for all this knowledge you share. you're helping me so much with your videos. Thank you!!!

[@Pumpmaximum13]

I walked away from my 9 month relationship with someone I love very much. I just cannot allow myself to equate love with loneliness, rejection, stonewalling, breadcrumbs. No more. She is unwilling to give effort anymore, and if my energy isnt reciprocated in some way, its time to go.

[@RevRalf]

I’ve been perusing your videos for a year now and am considering joining the school. I really appreciate the way you present the material in a linear sequence that builds my understanding of “what to do”. I’m a FA, it seems, and dating a DA that presents many of the behaviors you’ve illustrated. She is very informed regarding health sciences. But often uses her knowledge to sustain an emotional barrier. What are some conversational scripts I can employ to encourage her to drop the intellectual pretense and be open to cooperative decisions to move forward? Again, wonderful videos Personal Development School! Deep Gratitude.

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

There is a section of the school dedicated to scripts and best chances of getting heard. Also taking the intro DA course is beneficial because there is a chapter on communicating with a DA and how to best navigate conflicts with the DA - PDS team member

[@kimb.4400]

I’m FA, him DA, I left the relationship almost 2 months ago. He has reached out in superficial way 3 times and seems he wants me to chase him. I refuse since he was lying and hiding things regarding a “friend “ at work. He broke my trust and my heart and won’t even acknowledge what he did other than saying he failed. I don’t think he physically cheated but took microcheating to the absolute limit. We could fix this but he refuses. His loss. I was really good to him and he seemed to be upset when I was good to him and made fun of me for it. He wants safety and security- the exact thing he fears and finds boring.

[@brianna3239]

It’s the way they tell on themselves. it not fully!!! Omg thank you for your comment. He will make comments such as “I have failed” or “I’m the worst human ever” with no explanation whatsoever but I now am getting the hang of it.

[@kimb.4400]

Hi lady I’m so glad I helped in a small way. Now that a year has passed I’m so happy to say that I’m completely over him and I’m now secure but do tend to get triggered sometimes but fewer and farther between. I highly recommend doing the hard work on and for yourself so that no matter how someone behaves you don’t blame yourself and you can see it’s on them. I honestly don’t even find him attractive anymore. I wish the best for you on your journey 💜 you got this

[@bland2057]

💯 is 💯 anything else is just less. Never Settle. Know Your Worth.

[@catherinegalvin8873]

I’m so done with avoidant attachment styles. Not worth it.

[@Natgpooh]

You are making so much since. My DA ex just left my kids and I after being together for 6 years, but in the beginning said that we were only put together for him to show me how to live my life another way & not to be forever. It's been a month since the break up & now he is telling me that because my children and I didn't do the little things (that he didn't tell me about) he ended the relationship because he was emotionally & mentally tired. The hurt I'm feeling I've never felt.

[@taras4352]

I am so sorry. He actually told you that he was only in your life to teach you how to live your life another way?? And not forever? Who the heck does he think he is? I would get to the core reason of why you were not alarmed by these red flags before getting more deeply involvement with him. We will repeat unhealthy relationship patterns if we don’t understand how our own actions, reactions, and core wounds and life experiences help to shape all our relationships.

[@mrsimo7144]

Amazing channel and information. Thanks so much. Love from the UK ❤️

[@nehashetty2803]

This was super super helpful, I hv been binge watching your videos 🥰

[@lauriedonnelly7134]

I was with a ‘dug-in’ DA, he was not interested in change, he went to one therapy session, we got things to discuss after first session, when I tried to talk to him he said why are obsessing on what the therapist said. He also said things like. I just tell you want to hear to make you go away, denied writing me a letter saying he was sorry and he loved me, said I was lying, I showed him the letter, had nothing to say. Asked him why he spends hours at the bar talking to people and comes home and doesn’t have anything to say to me, nothing to talk about, his response was that he wasnt interested in anything I had to say or what I wanted to do. I was out at that point - 15 years with someone who presented as a sociopath but really just hardened DA. Traumatizing. And so hurtful.

[@phoebe7534]

I never clicked on a video so fast! 😂

[@Stella-cv4mc]

Lol same 😂😂 I shot this video right up my veins 😂😂😂

[@bvad7884]

I see a lot of comments about how dating a DA ruined people's lives, make sure your ex was a DA and not a Narcissist.. very similar but a Narc will ruin your life. My ex is a DA and I have nothing but love for him, loving him softened my heart and showed me how selflessly and unconditionally I could love someone. He absolutely isn't a Narc I actually dated a Narc in college, theyre almost inherently evil. DA's are not.

[@westcoastorbust2462]

I agree. My ex is a DA. The one before him was a Narc. That was a different kind of pain.

[@lailas.3205]

Someone who accidentally shoots you and someone who does it on purpose can still destroy or paralyze you. It does not require malintent to inflict traumatic and enduring pain on someone.

[@DockClock-rp2ro]

I can't tell whether my avoidant made me more secure or more dismissive myself. I found my apathy as the behaviour went on. I harbour no resentment or regret for her. I miss her, but the behaviour just pushes me away and I feel less. I no longer feel as anxious (if at-all).

[@timguiling7974]

The da is too much high mainetence to deal with. Exhausting.

[@gabrielglenn1714]

After processing my feelings. I literally texted my ex that I've been learning that I need to be more vulnerable. So I asked if I could send her a letter. Didn't no I was a DA until today. Been learning so much about relationships. Alls it took was possibly losing her forever. But that's a good sign ya? Vulnerable and chasing

[@d50mx6]

Read the book Attatched. As an Avoidant myself, I found it fascinating and finished it in a week or two. Found it very helpful as well.

[@jmeshox2730]

What's the point? You aren't going to change.. let them go find someone who actually cares about them

[@gabrielglenn1714]

@jme shox well I did change actually. I did care about her. But I didn't truly love her. So hopefully she has found someone who does

[@jmeshox2730]

@@gabrielglenn1714 let's hope she did and learned lessons from you to never date a DA right?! Y'all need to grow up and own your ish* you aren't little babies anymore

[@gabrielglenn1714]

@@jmeshox2730 you sound bitter

[@momorilee5642]

thank you for all of this amazing info! do you think you could elaborate on what “consistency” looks like to a DA? like what sorts of things they want to be consistent? i kind of struggle with understanding what that means every time it comes up in a video about the DA. thank you so much Thais & PDS team!!

[@beeloved6285]

Your videos are so wonderful 🌻

[@beccf.s.8012]

It’s crazy to me to see people in the comments just diagnosing their exes with this attachment style without considering so many other components. I think it is incredibly dangerous to just diagnosed someone with an attachment style and run with it reacting and interacting in certain ways when we aren’t mental health professionals nor we are treating the person in therapy. These videos are guides to understand behaviors and those behaviors motivations but, we all are complex. Nothing is black or white and we all need different things. I’ve been DA, FA, AP. My relationship with what I ASSUME looks like a DA was the one who taught me the most about MYSELF. Search for what YOUR attachment style is and seek to achieve being secure so you can find that too. Spending too much time learning about this will take time from your own learning about yourself and will keep you reliving conversations and moments from the past you can really do nothing about. Watching one vid once in a while wouldn’t hurt. But if you spend most time watching vids about what you assume is your exe’s attachment style instead of your own, you aren’t helping yourself or helping them either.

[@LeeChrissy]

Agreed. I'm a FA and I'm taking the PDS course to focus on FA's. I can't speak for everyone, but can only assume the people that do this are very hurt and trying to heal and think that by figuring the other person out and putting the puzzle pieces together of their past relationship is sort of a closure for them so they can eventually move on. I did the same thing last year. Tried to figure out what was wrong with HIM. What I found instead that my wounds and issues were just as deep as his and that's when I started looking into myself to heal from the inside out. I hope a lot of these people do the same because they seem heavy on the blame game over self-reflecting, self-healing and self-love.

[@robertoflores4546]

i need to learn more about this power struggle phase. I think this is where we went wrong.

[@rafaelparra1260]

So, the problem is that they had many troubles in their childhood and they do not have an interest in health or sometimes are in the process of healing these wounds, then we must be careful with the triggers and hope that they do not trigger by themselves like an instable landmine.

[@cosimabrown1072]

I love watching your videos on all of the attachment styles. They’ve helped me be a bit more understanding and patient with others around me and also help me understand some of the reasons behind my behaviours, which ultimately makes me feel more secure with myself, so thank you. But I’m still a little bit confused. I know by your videos that you can be FA with a strong leaning towards DA but I relate way more to the quality’s of a DA... is it possible to be a DA with just a few qualities of a FA? Is that a thing at all?

[@vincentdowd]

OMG so true, could not figure out why...but still reaches out

[@user-yv1fh3fc8y]

As a da during the dating stage I made myself vulnerable, she pulled back and I felt too embarrassed to continue to pursue.

[@lemagloria]

you did good.

[@elsewherehouse]

I'm surprised that a majority of the comments are about being in a relationship with DAs versus comments from DAs themselves. I haven't watched the video yet, but I admire her greatly. I just wanted to say a couple things. First, the title of the video caught my attention because it included the word 'chase'. Is it true to say that most DAs have lost most, if not all of their innate chase? (Polyvagal theory) Secondly, as a DA, I have had an inner tug-a-war for years in regards to recognizing and comfortably admitting how limited my capacity is to genuinely empathize and/or sympathize. One of the biggest deterrents in admitting this to myself was the mentally ill stigma attached to lacking this supposed 'innate' 'ability'. I share this specifically because something I'm learning to recognize with a majority of those with this deficiency or a similar condition(autism for example) is that one of the things they want most but can't, or even won't, ask for is for someone to sincerely empathize and/or sympathize with their limited capacity to empathize/sympathize. I know this is a lot to ask, everything being considered, but I think in the long run, it will be quite beneficial for all involved! I hope that was comprehendible. Thanks for reading !

[@andrewmorgensen326]

That's the most helpful comment I've read from a DA! Truely helpful. Thank you. "One of the things they want, but can't/won't ask for is for someone else to sympathize or empathize with their inability to."

[@elsewherehouse]

@@andrewmorgensen326 I'm thinking about editing "inability" to "limited capacity" . Are you cool if I make that change? And thanks, if I am interpreting your comment correctly.

[@andrewmorgensen326]

@@elsewherehouse yeah I like that better too. That sounds more accurate.

[@FUBARGunpla]

as a da it's hard to wanna comment when 90% of the comments are about how cold heartless and cruel we are. personally i don't date period so i don't have a string of bodies behind me, but if i had to guess why they aren't commenting more, that'd be why.

[@lailas.3205]

FYI: Empathy (much like confidence, leadership, discipline or the ability to play the piano) is a skill that can be developed. Are some people more or less inclined to it naturally? Sure, but it can be improved upon. Might it require work? Sure, but it can be improved upon.

[@christinefinn6180]

My DA was the one who wanted me to move to USA and also get visa then accused me of being ‘pushy’ yet it was always his idea.. no matter now supportive I was he had a unique way to push me away and slam a door in my face.. he also was convinced he was securely attached..

[@briannawhitman9780]

How did they manage to get the easy way out of a breakup and not have to hurt? I’m over here struggling and he just seems like it’s the easiest thing to do.

[@destinydivine]

We feel the breakup. But we also feel like it’s better because you probably hurt us somehow. And we just don’t want to go through that again. So we feel both ways. Very sad but also we kind of think it’s probably best.

[@Z0FFY512]

@@destinydivine what you dont realize is most of the time what might hurt you is because of what you did to them first In my case, i’ve become anxious because i dont understand why my ex didnt want to commit, she doesnt want to talk about it which makes me feel frustrated, she invalidated all of my feelings like it’s nothing despite of what i’ve done for her, i’ve become frustrated and can’t take it anymore then emotional outburst comes out, guess what happened? The main problem is the avoidant behaviour, always been

[@Alixir1228]

​@@destinydivineyeah my ex keeps saying it's "probably for the best". Okay then. Good riddance.

[@FrankTheTankk320]

These people are so cold and heartless. At some point in your life you have to take responsibilities to your own actions, yeah their trauma sucks but shit don’t be going around breaking peoples hearts smfh to these avoidant selfish people.

[@benniesngreen]

Yeah I'm a DA in all likelihood. If I actually break up with somebody it's a gut wrenching decision and I have been chased, phone blown up and stalked. It is something I would never think to put somebody else through

[@Vollbio3]

@@sunbeam9222 There is nothing bad in his comment.

[@Vollbio3]

My AP stalked my home for 2 years before our relationship, she told me. Her "fantasy" relationship in her head was already on. Naturally her expectations of me would not be met and mine were ridiculed.

[@benniesngreen]

@@Vollbio3 you didn’t know that when you break up with someone, vengeance is justified? Edit: thought this said “after”. This was “before”? 🚩🚩🚩🚩

[@Vollbio3]

@@sunbeam9222 Yeah, maybe some BPD traits of hers too, i don't know. But i also watched a video about fantasy relationships of the AP on this channel.

[@Hookah_Horns]

Did you blindside them like a typical DA?

[@aliciav63]

i loved him so much but he was so difficult to have a relationship with.....i never was able to get to that point you speak of....he did reach out but only to be friends he said nothing else

[@violetsky__7649]

Idk why but DAs love to be “friends”. Don’t fall for it because it’s a trap. That’s their excuse to lean on so you enable more bs. I had a DA that did the same thing to me and it ended in dysfunctional/neglectful “friends with benefits”. I had to poke and prod him to tell me happy birthday and he never followed through on all his “future faking”. Spare yourself the time and frustration and don’t bother reaching out.

[@sifublack192]

Interesting analysis. As a DA, I never chased my exes because we just weren't compatible.

[@gebronthomasson6960]

My DA(well ex)was very vulnerable to me(as far as emotionally and she is not that person “in real life”she’s very guarded and closed off..but we did have that probably because I am such an AP..and she was because was/am a safe space even to an pretty hardcore DA..(well her anyways saw me as such)but I do now realize her open wounds were rubbed raw..and we were one week from her moving in..both our idea..Ours was a DA/AP communication& boundary issues..but sadly didn’t know about the DA & AP even being a thing..So I’m hoping that she does come to miss that connection..I know I do..thank you for your insight….

[@AshleyLebedev]

Thanks so much! 🧡

[@Aikyiomi]

Sublime. Thank you…

[@divchap6438]

I miss my DA. Wish he would come back but I know he won’t. 😢😭 pulled away for months so much hurt and pain. It’s like he didn’t care. Great with words but no action and didn’t care about my needs. In his own words “ he ruined us and destroyed our relationship “ I maybe s secure style but my heat and soul is still broken

[@itsbritneybitch69]

awwww im so sorry :( ive just posted on here prob near the top with my story, its the hardest crappiest feeling i feel like all those i love u more then you love me from him didnt really mean anything, i gave him everything and was really sweet loving and kind and i get tossed aside cuz he loves me but cant be with me, i feel like i was giving 70% and he only had to do 30% i want mine back more then anything

[@divchap6438]

@rebecca elizabeth thank you for your kind msg. Getting there, I still miss him but I’m off the roller coasters. Trying to heal the heart, soul and forcing on me now. Time 🙏🌺

[@lemagloria]

Tou deserve better he ain't sh**t

[@jenerlendson5911]

Dunno what to think... My ex DA broke up with me, things were perfect, he talked of our future, believe he self sabotaged... Anyways, he removed me from all, said he didn't want to talk for now, but still has my mom and best friend on his FB... I'm respecting his wishes, as badly ad I want to reach out, but feel he'll never contact me again... Sounds like DAs really don't, but then why keep 2 ppl close to me on his FB.... Ugh... I'll just keep praying, praying for his healing, and praying I can move on...

[@claura5391]

Could be making you as an options IF your ex starting to date someone else but it doesn't work out. Lots of DA's are afraid to be alone because they don't want to feel the pain.

[@nataliel2149]

Can we have a video on how to respond to a DA when they’re deactivating?? I never know the best way to handle them when this happens @Personal Development School - Thais Gibson

[@meganpittman0615]

Excellent question. I would love to know some insights into this as well.

[@nataliel2149]

Megan Pittman thank you! It’s hard to know the best way to react to this! Hope they do a video with suggestions 🙂

[@jh5588]

As a DA I honestly don’t think there is anything that can be done when I begin to pull away .I don’t even have control of it myself. It just happens like being on autopilot.

[@LaLoK955]

@@jh5588 So what should we do? Or since you’re a DA, what would you like for your partner to do? I’m not really familiar with the DA or FA or any of that stuff. She keeps telling me she loves me and cares about me and misses me but then she pulls away… I’m wondering if she’s a DA too..

[@QuantumGal]

@@jh5588 it must be very sad to be you

[@BMOZoedajit]

Yeah that's kinda exactly what I went thru in my last relationship of four years maybe because I'm anxious preoccupied type but it makes no sense to me

[@lifemastery3335]

All this sounds more like manipulation. 🤷🏽‍♀️they’re adults and responsible for themselves . So repeatedly doing something that clearly doesn’t work or hurts the person they supposedly care about is insane and wrong. This sounds like a characteristic of a narcissist . Or at least a trait of narcissism which should not be ignored by either party.

[@jh5588]

As a DA I never intentionally hurt anyone . I certainly have empathy. I have a full range of emotions but I keep them very well in check. I don’t argue or fight in relationships. For me it’s just at a certain point where more is expected from me in the relationship I begin to feel suffocated and I have to exit. I’ve found that “friend with benefits” relationships are actually very comfortable to me but even those at some point they want more , which is natural for most people, but just doesn’t work for me.

[@maritshirin88]

@@jh5588 Thank you. I am wondering if there is a point to be ready to argue and fight in a relationship, IF we discuss together HOW to argue. Sometimes I feel that a DA avoids confrontation by retreating - problem is, the silence becomes frustrating when it doesn't lead to solving the confrontation at hand. And silence from a DA hurts. I understand it is difficult, but I also do feel that there is a great importance in learning how to communicate, without a DA having to 'explain too much' and feel suffocated. There needs to be a give and take. Because there is feelings of love there, right? Love is also diplomacy, and expectations indeed, because we have to expect each other to learn to communicate on all different levels.

[@jh5588]

@@maritshirin88 Yes exactly you make very good points. We all should learn to communicate on different levels, the classic “arguing and fighting” is just a non-starter. I can’t tolerate yelling and screaming. For me the best approach would be discussion and compromise while being respectful of each other. And yes we DAs can love, with the right person just like anyone else. To be fair we may not be the best at expressing that love on an emotional or even verbal level like most partners would prefer but, at least for me, I feel like the most sincere display of love is giving someone the most valuable thing any of us have, which is time.

[@maritshirin88]

@@jh5588 Thank you for replying 🙏🏼 You’re expressing this so beautifully I think. Did you do a lot of work on yourself when it comes to communicating? Because I have a sense, experiencing a loved one as a DA, that they had a hard time expressing themselves and how they function in this very clear way you just did. You must’ve made some major self realisation there? Communication, and validation of someone else, no matter what attachment issue, should be about what you’re doing now; communicating to someone how you function and what you need, not only for oneself but for the other. ❤️

[@jh5588]

@@maritshirin88 yes , thank you for noticing. I have spent a lot of time the last several months reflecting and working on myself. When you push away most everyone you have ever cared about, like I have, then some self assessment is in order. I’m still a work in progress, but I am making progress so that’s a positive. The good part of being DA is my life is very much in order, I can’t complain about much. I have always known I have commitment issues but didn’t know they had a name until coming across videos like these. I have caused a lot of hurt to women who’s only crime was being good to me, I would very much like to change that pattern. Also, to be fair, it’s less difficult to discuss these feelings and topics online in an open forum like this than in everyday life.

[@Sevenmoons7]

Going through a break up with a DA right now (FA who has constantly attracted DA's myself). He had all the classic DA signs like described here, but what kept throwing me off, is that he had been in a 3 year relationship before and they even lived together for a year, so this is making me feel like it's all me? Idk it's 3am and I haven't stopped crying for a while 😅

[@Hookah_Horns]

Your attachment style isn't set in stone after childhood. He may have been more secure in the previous relationship, but bc of how it ended it ultimately made him more dismissive.

[@chiaraA.]

I'm pretty positive it's because they didn't have all that much actual feeling for the prior person in the 3 year relationship and that made it easy for them to stay in it - that's what they can bear - when the relationship has real meat to it- they run

[@skittlesmm1128]

I’m considering signing up for membership. My partner and I both have attachment issues. The only thing holding me back is I’m not clearly understanding whether he is dealing with DA issues or narcissistic personality disorder...do you have any videos that might clarify the differences/similarities between the two? He is willing to do his part in our relationship issues, but we’ve tried so many times I just want to give up.

[@michaelsteel688]

I keep seeing videos like this that appear to be referring to boyfriend / girlfriend relationships. I'm dealing with a textbook DA but she is my recent ex wife (6 months ago) and we have a 6 year old child. I don't feel these games of no contact apply to a relationship as serious as ours. I can't be playing these games to get my ex to come back. Her issue is she claims is that she lost loving feelings for me after the way I was treating her during our marriage which of coarse I didn't know about because she's a DA. She just left one nite and blindsided me. Every since I've been trying to get her to come back home. I could use some real help relating this kind of relationship.

[@laluna424]

This is so true i always use to feel.this. and No contact hardly works on them. Thanks for making a video on this.

[@nataliaestrella8609]

No it surely doesn’t work on them, especially with the existence of social media. I’m starting to believe that quarantine is the ideal dating arena for them because they don’t have to let go of the relationship but they are also not obligated to be in direct contact. Very infuriating if you are ready to start over. With/out them.

[@firstladyqueen5985]

@@nataliaestrella8609 @Queen of Swords that's weird! My DA that I broke up with calls me (not texts) me very very frequently. He calls me more than I text him. We talk long most times. You know how they say if a man Only texts you he's Not truly interested in you aka the truly interested man will wanna call you and hear your voice and take the time to call you. Also, he's been seeing me quite frequently. 🤔

[@laluna424]

@@firstladyqueen5985 are u sure. He is DA though. Or are u in initial phase of dating. DA does those things. But when something happens and u decides to pull back or take a break. That's it for them. They never make amends with u after that it's done for them.

[@firstladyqueen5985]

@@laluna424 I am pretty sure he's DA. She did say there's exception to the rule. He most definitely ain't secure! He ain't anxious! He ain't fearful! He's aloof, and distant at times. He loves his free time. He said his 2 fave/ best male cousins know he can live in the world alone. And that he rejects people's calls and gets pissed when people call when he's trying to relax and binge watch videos after work or make rap songs for fun.

[@laluna424]

@@firstladyqueen5985 then u r lucky one lol cherish and work on ur relationship. Good luck.👍

[@faezahjumahat4196]

Hai Good AfterNoon From Singapore! Yes I Totally Agrees With You! I Have Block The DA Doing No Contact & After One Year He Sends Love Song's To His Divine Feminine Or A Woman To Show How He Really Feel's To Open Up A Conversations? Can Distants Makes Avoidant Attachment To Clear Up All The Negatives Or Unnessary Fights And Wanting To Talk Or Engaged A Conversations To A Woman He Once Fall's In Love's Deeply Or Excited?

[@anamaclachlan605]

Would you be able to discuss the DA in the context of a mid life crisis?

[@JennyNobody]

Thank you

[@divinenoor7163]

Thanks God... If you see him please tell him to keep walking and don't look back.... someone else can have my leftovers... I'm done with this crazyness..

[@tedarcher9120]

Why would anyone chase after a breakup?

[@firstladyqueen5985]

I wonder why my DA chases me after I broke up with him. 🤔 Edited: oh yeah she did say there's an exception to the rule but most do Not!

[@firstladyqueen5985]

@D V oh I wonder!

[@MyLifeGNWhyte]

U changed the eye brow style today... new look

[@jade8806]

Are DA's less likely to appologize? I have one who says thr meanest things to me when i trigger him with my feelings and in 2.5 years i have NEVER had a genuine appology. He just acts like nothing has transpired. Do to me I question if he is covert narcissist instead?

[@flagirl0315]

Many have overlapping traits. But yes most don’t say sorry. They see nothing wrong and blame everyone else. They truly are the worst

[@LeeChrissy]

Sounds like more of a narcissist. A narcissist can be any attachment style but I've never dated a DA who was ever mean or said cruel things.

[@suelynn7133]

How long will a Dismissive guy shut down for after getting close? Can it be days or weeks or months? How do we get him to show up again?

[@relationshipskills6855]

What words can i say to my DA to make it feel safe? Is it best for me to initiate secure attachment words... I’m here for you??

[@IronX77]

Intro ends at 2:15

[@starrynight9999]

what if you break up during the power struggle phase? will they be just as likely make an attempt to rekindle the relationship?

[@simonthewatchguy6073]

Just broke up with a DA. I loved her to pieces. I've been non-stop crying and I'm a 34 year old man. I absolutely loved her to pieces. The problem was that every single thing I said, she took as criticism. She said I was controlling and in the end, I snapped. I lost my temper and shouted at the top of my lungs - of course, this resulted in her leaving me. I am absolutely destroyed. I loved her with all my heart and wanted to marry her. It's one of the most painful experiences of my entire life. I wish I could see her, hold her hand, kiss her and tell her everything will be ok. But she has told me she never wants to see me/date me again. Incredibly upsetting for the partner of a DA to go through this.

[@nicoleboisvert2861]

Hi Thais, I watch all of your videos & find them so helpful as I go through couples counseling with my DA. Could you speak to DA’s communication style (or lack there of). I feel like my DA partner communicates in random chunks of information that don’t make sense to me and I end up having to ask a million follow up questions to clarify. He doesn’t seem to care that I’m not receiving his communication effectively. He tells me it’s my fault for not “letting him finish” by asking clarifying questions. It’s really hurtful to feel like someone doesn’t care if you get it or not.

[@careitina1412]

Omg! SAME.He would speak things in a coded manner,to make sure it's only HIM who understands that! As if he is a mysterious Monalisa and I have to guess his secret codes!

[@kymmiebrat]

What can you do to meet or give to a DA partners needs to help them open back up?

[@nilaynaik4812]

Hi...What happens when a DA checks out just as things are looking good to get a bit more serious. She told me she likes calling me her boyfriend and me calling her my girlfriend.... And then something happened (her ex found out about us) and when the relationship came into the open, she said sorry i thought i was ready.... but i am not. And she then said she has conflicting feelings about her ex - so cant give me 100% and she can only do something if she is 100% in ? What do i do ?

[@nymeria5013]

Leave her alone. You can’t force her to be with you