When You FINALLY Realize They're A Covert Narcissist

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The statements on this KZbin channel or in videos are simply opinion. Content presented or posted on this channel is not a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment or a professional therapeutic relationship. Content presented or posted is intended to provide general health information for educational purposes only and you should contact the appropriate healthcare professional before relying on any such information.

[@SSR_LEON]

My ex gf is a covert narcissist. The cycle starts with a truck load of love bombing, future plans and promises (future faking), they make you feel as if you're the best person in the world for them...and they're so blessed to have you. Any person can fall for that, the when in relationship, after 4-5moths in..... issues start. All of them would be out of nowhere or very petty things like, "why didn't you reply to my story". You explain infact over explain, just to end the passive aggressive stages of silent treatment, indirect taunts. At first you think what's wrong with them...but after multiple incidents, you ask the question, "what am i doing wrong?". Things get worse for here, you become the bad person and everyone else becomes better than you... your needs are ignored, you're abandoned emotionally and mentally. Then comes the, reactive abuse they will put you in such situations, say such things...you burst and this outburst is quoted in front of others...and now you're the bad person for everyone else. Then comes the discard, they leave you....and it's very very likely for someone else. And the smear campaign starts, the indirect bullying starts. In the end, you're fucked up!

[@sleepyjoeatemyiceacream]

Oh my God, this is an exact description of my last relationship. I have war-time flashbacks when I think about it. So painful.

[@genecollins-v4j]

Same! Same story!!

[@mathews0618]

Dude, you nailed it

[@Seeyoulater18]

@@SSR_LEON coverts are the master of manipulation. They create situations which triggers us and want us to acknowledge those triggers and explode so the world thinks we are the bad person. They at times know us more better than ourselves. Karma will get them. No contact or minimal if there is a child in question is the only key here..

[@MikeMass12]

Yoooooooo this descriptions accuracy is over 100% 😂😂😂😂.. They need to rewrite the DSM and use this as the outline for how you identify the female covert narcissist. I just left my wife of 5 years and the peace is startling and beautiful.

[@Seeyoulater18]

My wife of 8 years is a covert narcissist. In my scenario, while I was praising her to everyone in my life, at the same time she was running a smear campaign with my own, family, friends and also colleagues. My private life was exposed to my work. I was fully isolated. It is a living hell. They have no empathy and I believe are the most dangerous narc amongst all. No one believes me now including my own twin. They will eventually and even if not there is no way I am going to be with her. Working out around 2 hours a day made me stronger and made me realize that everything all these years is going out from my own house where she is enjoying making me paranoid and confusing my reality. Emotional regulation is a big thing here and it’s dangerous. It probably take me years to get back to normal. Good part is I am leaving her when I am in the best shape of my life by working out consistently for 13 months.

[@helsphoenix2623]

I brought my gaslighting covert narc mother to therapy and just let her talk and in the end she was adamant that she didn't gaslight and the therapist was like...actually based on your own story of events you do. Lol It was glorious. Went in one ear and out the other though. Eventually, the therapist split us into private sessions and told me I would have to work on myself because she was never going to change, I'd just have to get myself in a good space to be able to deal with her. Mother took this splitting of therapy as a sign that I was the one with the problem, otherwise, "why would the therapist want to talk to you alone?" I cut her out of my life 3 1/2 years ago now and don't know how I'll ever reorient my life after 40 years of being the scapegoat.

[@ashleyb777]

You can heal, completely, nothing is impossible with Jesus!

[@sohara....]

There are healing techniques available ... talks on KZbin .... I've been scapegoat hoping to nurture new self-concept.. I'm nit a sprong chicken either .... .. we are brave ... we made it this far.

[@rachel4yeshua]

Oh my gosh, literally me. I was raised by a family of narcissists. Poked and prodded my whole life. No surprise why I wound up marrying an abusive controller. I’m a grown woman and my siblings still treat me the same way. They have only mutated into a different form of toxicity. But still nothing has changed. I still walk away from them like as though I’d just left a battle zone. Feeling the repercussions and damage they’ve inflicted on me for days, weeks, months and sometimes even years to come. I can’t stand them and want to disown them all!! I am tired of attending family functions. It’s not healthy for my mental health and well-being in the long run. They are the cancer and I need to cut it out.

[@TheLordsbattleaxe]

Same

[@creativemindsonja]

Dear Rachel , I completely understand you. I have/had the same problems. I lived with covert narcissists. I wanted to cut them off. BUT , the problem is, we have one part of them integrated in ourselves because we are raised by them. That is why it is not possible just cut them off, because cutting them off is like cutting one part of ourselves as well and that is something that hurts a lot and make you feel you really want to go back. Instead, you should trasform that energy into something more constructive. Maybe some good therapist who understand narcissism and faced it personally, can help. I moved from them and it helped, but it is not enough. Now I search for the therapist who can help me more.

[@rachel4yeshua]

@@creativemindsonja thank you for your kind advice. Yes, I do need therapy that’s for sure. Still so much healing needs to be done. Encountering my family is similar to when I was married. It’s a vicious cycle of abuse. Until I finally could take no more, I got divorced. And even if I don’t “divorce” my family entirely, I need to separate myself from them or at least limit my time with them considerably.

[@TheLordsbattleaxe]

@@creativemindsonja I too noticed that just moving away from them was not enough.

[@corporaterobotslave400]

I cut off my sister and her entire brood of flying monkeys. She has five of them, and they all have spouses and kids, and none of them know me because my sister gaslights them about me. You may be better off without any family. I know I am. I only talk to my Mom, everyone else is TOXIC.

[@mastiffkevin]

The way I discovered my wife is a narcissist is she called me one. I had heard of narcissists before but didn’t know that much about it. So I began reading and watching KZbin videos like this one trying to find out if she was right. Once I began digging into it I soon found that it didn’t sound like me but sounded a lot like her! I found a therapist who specializes in narcissistic behavior. After talking to her, I was floored when she said “you know you’re a victim of emotional abuse right?” Since then I’ve been meeting with her and watching as much content about narcissism as I can. After the last blow up she had, I had enough! I filed for divorce. Now I’m scared at what she is going to pull through this divorce process. I know she has every intention of trying to clean me out financially. Hopefully the legal system won’t let me down. Any prayers you all have, please send them my way!

[@minnesotajude8447]

Women don’t care about men’s problems, they just pretend they do. The family court system is a gynocentric, feminist shark tank after your blood and money. Get help from other men and don’t ever get married.

[@robig.5028]

I'm praying for you.remember there is no low for them.they will deny anything and everything.document,record any conversations.

[@mastiffkevin]

@@robig.5028 thank you so much!

[@ChrisPTY507]

How did the divorce went?

[@joanopiyo9076]

May God's Peace be with you. He saw it all.

[@christinehunt9784]

Always trust your intuition!!! Learn how to spot a manipulator/gaslighter Pay attention to how they talk!! This is what personally saved me !

[@tomislavvisal1669]

After 7 years of crazymaking, I google searched "why does my partner feel a need to demean and ridicule me in front of others" ... 30 minutes later, and couple of videos like the ones you're making here (Thank you 🙏🤝), and all the dots got connected 👍👌. Narc-free for over 4 years now 🎉🎊🎂. Most difficult and painful, but at also probably the most important and valuable lesson of my life 🙏.

[@matilda1505]

Good for you love ! It took you only 7 years.

[@matilda1505]

Gosh. I’m not being sarcastic ! 30 years here.

[@tomislavvisal1669]

@@matilda1505 7 years to find out what I'm dealing with 👹, and then 3 more years to manage to separate from her ...

[@ashleyb777]

You got free Praise God! Best decision ever!

[@GoogleUser-pc6tu]

Same here! I googled the issues and covert narc came up. After thank god only 2 yrs I’m leaving and I’m getting into therapy for myself to break trauma bond . It’s the worst experience ever

[@thegridrunner9976]

Great video. We got married in 2001. By 2005, I knew I was dealing with some kind of disorder. I, too, looked at the DSM IV and several articles. Narcissism kept coming up but I knew my dad was a grandiose narcissist, it didn't line up. I found Borderline but she only checked about half the boxes so it never seemed like a good fit. I ended up abandoning my search for a diagnosis and tried to do what I could to prove I loved her and accepted her. I tried to boost her self-esteem. I dealt with the rages, apologized to end the arguments, did whatever she asked me, worked as much as I could to provide for her and our 4 kids (sole provider) and put no limits on what I was willing to do for her. A year ago, exhausted, burnt-out and at my sanity's edge, I asked her: "What will it take to make you happy because nothing I've done has ever worked?" She couldn't answer me. From that point on my guilt began to subside. I finally realized it was not me all these years. I used to think I was too stupid to get what she wanted from me. It turns out she never knew. 6 months ago, I Googled: "What is it called when someone apologizes sarcastically?" Narcissism came up again. I still didn't see a correlation. Then I came across a video by Dr. Todd Grande about Covert Narcissists.... The scales fell from my eyes. I found the missing piece of the puzzle that I had been trying to put together for 17 years. Everything lined up perfectly. Their skill at mental manipulation is almost supernatural. One of our last arguments (which got a lot more frequent since my discovery of CoNarcs), I asked her 2 questions: 1. Is there anything you regret doing throughout our relationship? 2. Are you willing to fight for our marriage like I have had to all these years? She couldn't answer either of them. A half hour more of arguing and I was begging her with tears in my eyes to at least acknowledge I've tried. It took me a week to realize, I could not deal with her in a reasonable discussion because she would just continue to twist me around. A week later I demanded a divorce. I've been kicked out for a month now. The peace, though guilt-laden at times, is immeasurably healing. You just have to walk away and refuse to engage them with any emotion. It is one of the hardest things to do but the most necessary step to escape the cycle.

[@laurengarrett9005]

I thought he had bipolar disorder and then a friend who is a nurse said it sounds like he is a narcissist. Then it clicked. A person with bipolar can't control their behavior but coverts act nice in front of others. That clinched it. After 3 years he finally moved out. It is so peaceful now.

[@angelm795]

I spent years searching for why my mom was the way she was, thinking is this introversion, autism, depression, bipolar, PTSD, mid-life crisis, hormones/menopause or just a terrible person?? I learned about covert narcissism and vulnerable narcissism and everything clicked, her personality was explained and it uncovered a lot of manipulation, for example I was able to see my mom isolated us as children and manipulated us. She came from a big family that was close but we were never allowed to be a part of it, only seeing family on major holidays but we were outsiders. At my grandma's funeral I had learned about family vacations, Sunday dinners etc, it blew my mind bc we were made to believe my grandma was cold hearted and selfish. What she kept secret was my grandma was supporting her financially (she always pretended to be selfmade) and she wanted my grandma all to herself, her love and generosity while making us kids believe my grandma wanted nothing to do with us so we were actually mean to her and didn't get to form bonds 😭 ugh so many things I could go on!

[@victoriaogunsanya9074]

I’m so sorry

[@lanadavidson2595]

Hilarious when you said, "Did I send this in?". I had a similar response except I thought someone had been following us and observed everything that he was doing. It is amazing how they all do the same things. They must receive a handbook on how to be a narcissist!

[@Itsmeandthatsok2]

During a confrontation about his behavior, he showed childish behaviors, which led me to search on line, narcissism popped up, and I knew instantly, I felt like someone had scripted my life. It was like Holy S**t but an Ah ha! Moment. Like it all made sense. Finally!

[@DarylSimpson58]

Great video, there is nothing like a perfect marriage or relationship, I learnt that in everything there is always a solution, 5 years ago I and my wife divorced because we were having some difficulties in our marriage but we are back together ,it was a really bad phase but we got through it

[@DarylSimpson58]

@@TemitopeObisesan its always difficult to let someone you love go, but in my case I had the help of a spiritual adviser who saved my marriage from collapsing her name is SHELLY RENEE WHITE.

[@lawrencedavis5459]

in my experience dating narcissistic women. If they put down every other man/partner they have ever had and say they were all abusive, have poor relations with mother or father OR their own children, if they have an autoimmune issue fibromyalgia etc. Huge red flags.

[@Itsmeandthatsok2]

OMG. I was researching on line, about childish behavior in adults. I seen this, in my husband, during a confrontation about his behavior and when covert narcissism came up. It was like holy Sh** !! finally an explanation to what was going on.

[@JenniferN55]

I only knew for sure after I left. It's 2months post abuse. All the things that didn't make sense during the relationship are making sense now.

[@NikkiGRocks4Ever]

My ex best friend has something off about her. I watched videos about overt grandiose narcissists. She was a victim. She claimed to be an empath. She acted like a bully. She wanted to start a business. I was emotional supportive and encouraging. She wanted me to work for her. When I told her no thank you. She changed and became meaner. She would do rage fits. She started gaslighting me. She gave me the silent treatment. She triangulated me with her other best friend who was doing the business. She was trying to control and manipulate me into doing the business. I was concerned for her. I thought maybe she is bipolar or depressed or anxious. I did research online. I found a video about the characteristics of being a covert narcissist. I had a huge epiphany. I felt betrayed. I have gotten rid of multiple overt narcissists and feeling empowered. Yet I had in my life a covert narcissist draining me. I found a video multiple videos on how to get rid of covert narcissists. They are a lot more worse than overt narcissists. I made a plan to leave quietly and quickly. I blocked her and her people.

[@ML11988]

Mine is similar to your story, but instead of a book in Barnes & Noble, it was your videos. I began researching about gaslighting, just trying to make some sense of my life and that led me down the KZbin rabbit hole, eventually hitting on female covert narcissism. Suddenly my marriage and childhood experiences were being described to me by others. Mind blown. Thank you for what you do, Michele.

[@georgefrazer2231]

Yes it takes years to figure out what is going on. They poke and poke and even turn everything around. The 'penny drops' and you 'have a light bulb moment'. Everything suddenly 'makes sense'. Naracism is a spectrum with naracist personality disorder being at the end of the spectrum. Thank you for this video.

[@robertaide1093]

My husband is a narcissist. Always lying and each time I confront him.. he lies abd even laughs at me. So I am fighting a way out... I m done .

[@jeffm8206]

I understand. After 30+ years of marriage, the light bulb went off about NPD. I always "tongue in cheek" treated her like a queen as a light-hearted dig. I realized that I was just throwing gas on the fire instead of my harmless pokes about how she acted. I didn't know such a thing even existed, because everyone is treated different and her flying monkeys think she hung the moon. Thank God for internet sites such as yours to educate us. The biggest hurt of all is knowing they don't really Love like a normal person and that one really hurt.

[@jmartinez4180]

It took me 20 years to finally notice the signs 😳

[@nancytwigg4631]

My moment of discovery was after a covert narcissist discarded me. I simple asked the search engine: what type of person discards another person? Ah ha!!!!

[@Shadowman...]

picture a traumatized 4 year old crying there eyes out with drool and snots running down there face ~ THIS IS who is trapped inside every adult narcissist out there. They just don't want to see that side of themselves. As the saying goes " Wherever you go~There you are" They cant run from themselves.

[@vampireslayer1989]

Great story Michelle. Yes, the "templated behavior" was an eye opener. And that there was such a thing as "covert" narcissism. Mine was exceptionally complex in that she is BPD. Took me a long time to figure that out. Also my mixed feelings of wanting to save her. "You can feel sorry for the broken child, but not the abusive adult who refuses to get help." I had to leave for my own sanity. Thanks for what you do.

[@jordanraymondwdenis9974]

My ex let me be the scapegoat for our entire relationship, if only I would learn how to emotionally regulate than it would fix our marriage. I did take responsibility for where our relationship was, and set out to emotionally regulate and establish better boundaries. What I learned is this, people’s words and deeds need to align, the hypocrisy is the earliest warning sign. We were on a date and my therapist wife, who helped me with a CBT thought record, used the vulnerability against me to humiliate me on a date for connection. That wasn’t even the last straw, she told me that she was rejecting me and that it was a self fulfilling prophecy. A few days later, almost hovered, she tells me she did it innocently. You can’t violate or betray someone innocently.

[@reginapolo3357]

I googled "How to communicate better with your spuse".....and then like you; it was like I wrote some of the cases I read about"....thank you kiddo

[@yougotgroove]

I did the wrong thing and called her out.... I suffered I thought I was trying to solve our problem. I am no contact now, I carry no guilt or shame..

[@Shadowman...]

another one of there favorite things to do to people is to fill them with self doubt. You could say something as simple as " Wow, what a beautiful day" and a narc will reply with " well it's not that nice out theirs a few clouds out" It's all done to condition you to think that what ever you say or do is WRONG.

[@panfried7566]

after 20 years of confusion, her raging anger finally compelled me to search about abnormal anger, rage. Then it hit me and the fog lifted. i was not just living with a difficult person, but there's a name for this. I was living with a covert narcissist. It was a bitter-sweet moment. I now understood why nothing ever worked and why vulnerability, intimacy and love were not just absent, but impossible. She was just NOT capable. Sad because change was not possible and nothing i do will make a difference. Hard choices had to be made. Abuse must stop.

[@laurabfromvt6197]

Michele, you were a big help to me when I began to understand in early 2019. My husband had passed away 10 months earlier and was trying to understand why I felt like I was recovering from a divorce instead of a death. I began watching your videos and others on narcissistic abuse. One comment you made stood out that resonated 100% in my situation, and it's not something talked about much. It's that when you think back over the relationship, nothing exciting or memorable stands out. If you try to remember a special time you had with the person, you can't. I thought, oh my goodness, it's so true. After 40 years of marriage I have to go back to the first 5 to find any remotely pleasant memories. In fact a chaplain sitting with us at the time of his death asked the family to share our good memories of him. I couldn't think of any and I, of course, thought there must be something wrong with me.

[@arthurlangille4604]

My light bulb moment was when I realized I was reliving my father's life. I watched what my mother did to my father. Kept him simmering right under the surface. The crazy is confusing. He never ever got a chance to relax. Impossible to interact with your children. She had 8 children and we aren't close. She made sure of that.

[@merussell57]

A few weeks back during an argument with the narc. I just blurted out “ you are a narcissist !” And he said “ Im not a narcissist “… instead of “what’s a narcissist?” That was interesting, and then I just kept digging and watching KZbin and it all became clear! Thanks for all you do!

[@JenniferN55]

Right after I dumped him, I blurted "you're a narcissist". He walked away like I uncovered some uncomfortable detail. Trust me ,they know what they are and what they are doing.

[@christinemunger7054]

I was at a psychosomatic clinic trying to work through the grief of losing my son (18) and kept hearing comments from other patients in the periphery mentioning narcissism. I had the same understanding as most folks about it in that I thought of people like Trump. I, too, hadn't found any satisfactory explanation for my husband's behavior. Asperger's didn't explain it to my satisfaction. Then, just to see what the buzz was about, I began googling narcissism. I learned about covert narcissism and found a checklist that described my husband perfectly! Hallelujah...that moment where the clouds open up and you see clearly for the first time! Such a huge relief! That was five years ago. In the meantime,I feel like I have earned a PhD in NPD! I left him over a year ago and found my power. He's been trying (with a minimum of effort...being nice!) to hoover ever since, but I remain unmoved. I can't go no contact because of the kids but I can do a pretty good grey and yellow rock.

[@mdd2433]

Trump,really? Not even close to being a narcissist he's a living God.

[@Sebass8017]

Stumbled on your video. Starting to reaserch npd and realizing maybe my wife of not even a year is a narcisist, currently under the silent treatment so plenty of time to watch videos and reaserch! Thank you for this video.

[@xse-qb2vv]

Emotionally Intelligent and ☝️😁👍 Gorgeously Courageous.

[@Deepintent]

So true on the 2nd point about therapy.

[@arunkumargk5148]

My mom is one. And my elder brother is supporting her and I feel they are jealous of my accomplishments. Please save me by advising how to come out of this situation permanently :-(

[@NoName-zb1gm]

She was using me for validation and I checked her social media and she still follows her ex-husband around liking all his posts. She probably can't live with him and can't live without him. I feel sorry for him and I feel sorry for her for not being able to cope with whatever has screwed her up. It's a shame because I kind of felt like we might have been soulmates. I pray for her every day that a miracle happens and she's delivered from her pain whatever it is.

[@emekaume]

chuckled @ informed narcissist

[@raven-wolf9252]

The movie "Enough" with Jennifer Lopez is the perfect Narcissist movie to me anyway..

[@nv8942]

It is what it is what it is!

[@brandytuftee4603]

My story is so unreal it eventually became physically abusive to the point i thought he was going to kill me if I sat down and told everything I went through i could seriously write a novel I really like to know how could someone treat another human being in such a inhuman matter and go on living as if they did nothing wrong and another thing I wonder if a person could unknowingly be a narcissist

[@piorundip8705]

It took me few months to realize she was NPD

[@kimpossible6654]

Wow need to prove it to them - we need to be approved by them in order to trust yourself. Yikes!! Thank you!

[@ginacheselka6086]

Michelle I Love you soooooo much!!!! I found your channel in 2017. Your videos literally helped me more than you know. I would watch listen absorb everything you said was SOOOOOOOO relatable and your wisdom, kindness, experience, strength and Hope came through my phone like a beautiful bright light. Thank You!!!!! I'm beyond proud of you for everything you've been through and the way you turned your life around and using EVERYTHING and coaching etc. Your living your best life. I had moved out in 2020 and I was trying to find your channel again and I'm grateful I did. I was just beaten down like a shell of a person I couldn't form sentences at times. I appreciate and love you sooooooo much ❤❤❤❤

[@Bawkr]

That started a chain reaction I think because youtube recommended me your videos when it would hear my girlfriend through my phones microphone. 3 Years ago I would play your videos to drum out and fall asleep, that's when I first discovered what she was. It took me another 2.5 years to fully embrace the fact that she is never going to be for her own household, always resistance.

[@portrashot]

True

[@deeh1048]

For me it was a thousand small things that didn’t add up. Why is my mother’s face showing glee when I am relaying my story of struggle? Why do my special events (graduation, birthdays) often end up in tumultuous drama? Why is she sending other people to communicate with me when we have an disagreement? But she is my mother and mothers are beyond reproach, supposedly. There were thousands of incongruent experiences with my mother. I was very confused. In the end, I realize that the Jekyll and the Hyde was the same person.

[@dahliafiend]

I think she chose me. I was the perfect target at the time. I didn’t n truly get it till years after we broke up. When I discovered covert narcissism it was like reading the past ten years of my life. It explained so much. about her. At the same time it hurt me more knowing my worst fears were true. All of them. And they were but she had zero interest in hearing about it and pretty quickly cut all contact after a decade. I’ve never felt more alone. Only survivors grouos understand. Every one else just says get over it. But she was the love of my life. I thought. She emotionally abused me. As a man nobody wants to hear this. People willl tell me not to talk about it. Meanwhile she’s done a smear campaign starting with my first bout of cancer. That level of cruelty is what sent me on the search for what exactly was wrong with her. She sees herself as the victim always. She cheated on me while my father died and made it out to be my fault”I knew you weren’t serious about. us” which is an outright lie. A complete denial of reality. It made me sad that she had these made up memories of me. Most of it projection.

[@janicemurphy4373]

Michele, it is so wonderful to see you, still dealing with narcissist abuse almost daily, because I have no choice because of circumstances, but at least I don’t have to live with them, it is unbelievable the way people are!!!!!!!! I love being by myself!!!!!! I know what is going on and I have learned to stay away from people who I know is toxic, learned so much about narcissism and how to protect myself !!!!! Much happier, small circle of friends and is helping others to learn about narcissism,through KZbin videos I have come a long way in learning about this disorder and I am so grateful!!!!!!!!!!!

[@re03387]

I need help! I’ve been in a complete state of neglect for 20 years. It’s like I’m Only a body…cook/clean/sex. Absolutely nothing else. There is no affection. I’ve begged for attention and affection for years and it never happened. I feel so empty inside. The silence is even worse. I don’t get Spoken to or even looked at. I wish someone could help me see what’s happening. For years I tried to change myself and conform to his personality but I feel like have lost myself in the process

[@DarjaTruth]

The last 3 senteces: right on spot. Everywhere, where people use their own brains. 9:27

[@ErnieLeblanc]

Nice.💯

[@will_Iam61]

This was on the nose. I am living proof of what you said. Only took me 30 years to realize this wasn't just a sometime problem.

[@redsquirrel1086]

After my first encounter with a female covert narcissist I researched the subject extensively and felt well equipped to recognise the signs if a similar person entered my life. Well I was wrong. I have just recently emerged from another entanglement and it took me three and a half years to work her out. To say she was convincing is an understatement. She was a genius in the arts of manipulation, gaslighting and just downright lying. I suppose I should feel a fool but I don't really. These people are so incredibly skilled in the art of presenting a false picture of themselves that I just feel numb. It's like shellshock. I thought I was a fairly streetwise sort of guy but I was wrong. She played me like a fiddle.

[@juliejen2605]

I thank the Lord Jesus Christ for opening my eyes in 2017. But I have been dealing with this person since 1988. I knew something was wrong, but I couldn't put my finger on it.

[@RatedArggg]

I discovered my mother was a covert narc many years after I left the family "home." Everything fell into place. But now I feel like my whole life was a lie; I didn't have a mother and siblings; I feel like a changeling who ended up on the wrong planet. BTW, you can read the DSM online; that's one way I "diagnosed" my mother with NPD. She had all of the symptoms.

[@robig.5028]

Me too,we are from the same planet.

[@jamieleigh807]

Michelle it would be great to hear that letter

[@LOVEISTRUTH300]

I had a similar experience like the letter you questioned if you wrote, except it was one of Doctor Ramani's videos. I followed a strong gut instinct to listen to one of her videos and it was like she was talking about my life, that started many months of constantly listening to her videos and now yours too. I appreciate all of you who are helping us identify these toxic patterns and how to heal. God Bless and much Love💖💖💖

[@crazyredheadbeyotch8125]

Only...he can't WAIT until I move out of his house...he doesn't "want" me, and has plainly said it. THIS is a TRUE discard, if ever there was one. It's life-altering and completely devastating.

[@lindac2554]

Sorry to hear Jesus was chasing me with his deep love I finally realised

[@TheMmiguelito]

Yeeees, it really does make sense!!! Thank you for sharing your insight and testimony!!!

[@lisamr40]

My light bulb moment was when, for the 50th time, my mother stopped speaking to me for idiotic reasons. I was about 48/49 years old. I happened to be on KZbin and one of Dr. Ramani's videos came up in my feed about daughters and narcissistic mothers. So, I watched it. I finally had confirmation that I wasn't the crazy one despite being told I was all my life. It's something I can't unsee. I come across so many narcs it's really disheartening. I haven't spoken to my family in years. I feel so much better. Thanks for your insightful videos!

[@grammyspa-jammies1737]

Me - 40 years

[@garyfunchion7566]

So once we pull curtain on them as such,,,,, we should resist trying to reason with unreasonable manipulators, as is the instinct of loving upright folks we are...hooks out from there on... Thankyou Michelle ❤

[@nh255]

i didn’t face it until she smashed my 2,000$ phone that i spent 2 years paying off & when she physically attacked me. i was in denial for over a year before that

[@oliverrojas3185]

When I was 11 and had contemplations of walking to a medicine cabinet and grabbing a bottle of pills, maybe, that was not my first identification of narcissistic behavior within my primary family, but at that time it was an indication that something was utterly wrong. What followed was not an honest dialogue between myself and my parents, but it was repeated instances of going on trips to a psychotherapist. On the first visit to a therapist, with my parents present in the room, I initially broke down crying explaing thoughts and feelings to a therapist, that I don't recall ever seeing again. The second time I was individually brought to a therapist by my father, and tacitly directed to enter the therapist's office for talk therapy alone. Althought I did not openly state it, at this juncture, I must have developed some sense disdain and aggression, that I was repressing, because upon seeing a therapist 2 years later at 13 I was embittered and felt the person I was speaking to was condenscending. I don't recall being rude to the therapist, but I was reticent, wondering, " What am I doing here?". Unfortunately, at that time, I did not possess the skills, to observe my feelings, from a neutral place, and simaltaneoulsy cope with explaining them, while sensing shame, embarrasment, and indignation. After a few visits with that therapist, on a day when my father was about to drive me over for another appointment, I waited till he walked in and sat down at the kitchen table, and calmly explained while gripping the edges of it, "He could try what he wanted, but I was not going on another visit to see a therapist". Factors leading to such a Draconian measure, were that I was already having trouble establishing new relationships with new classmates and maintaining contact with old ones. I was also no longer on what, one might consider, good terms, with my mother. In my mind, the silent treatment, or the fighting, or the denials of what sentiments permeated the air when I was at home alone with her and her daughter, was enough pressure to not want to deal with any similar circumstances, perpetrated by another adult, in this case, a stranger, holding the title of, psychotherapist. I acknowledge, my father, was a willing or reluctant participant, in this lack of communication between myself, he, and his ex wife, prior to and following their divorce 4 years earlier. To resolve the differneces between myself and my mother, I personally considered moving out, but did not follow thru. Moving along towards my twenties, the inablity to healthily cope with internal feelings caught up with me. The outcome, did not result in serving jail time or lying maimed in a hospital, but during a nightshift of work at a restaurant I had a confrontation with a boss. The following morning, on my way home, the shot of pain at the back of my skull, that I felt during the prior night's confrontation, progressed to discomfort in my face and by the afternoon, led to facial paralysis. During this time, I was seeing my third therapist consistently for six years, and due to this new challenging physical condition, I reflected, "If I don't change how I orchestrate and go about living life, it is likely, the amont of years I am going to live are numbered."

[@jettmx6728]

I always knew something wasn't quite right in the relationship. I finally figured out she was a Covert about 2 1/2 years in. Up until then, I had never even heard the term Covert Narcissist. Over the first couple of years, I had googled different things, and like you, nothing I had read gave me any answers. I read about classic narcissism, BPD, BiPolar, schizophrenia, and a few others. Sure she had some of the traits of some of these. But nothing really fits her. I have downtime at work when waiting on calls, so I pass the time watching YT. So one day at work, the algorithm suggested a video to me with the term "Vulnerable Narcissist" in the title. I'm thinking, WTF is a vulnerable narcissist??? So, I clicked on it. It was about a 10-minute video, but by the time I got to the end of it, I was absolutely stunned by what I had just seen. I sat there in silence with my jaw on the floor for what must've been 10 minutes. I remember thinking, "Is this woman talking about mine and my girlfriend's relationship?? How does she know? Everything she talked about, fit my GF to a T. I finally had my answer.

[@sototallyover2359]

You just described exactly what I;ve been thru. I'm not even liked on youtube. So, it must be me right. No I'm dealing with a malignant covert narcissist. People think, even here on youtube, that I'm a "drifter" trying to sue my employer. I was made homeless, so the drifter, I can kinda get, but, no one in the"history of the world" has ever sued their employer. Not one person. Your employer can hire or fire you for any reason and there is nothing you can do about it. I didn't know exactly what was said. I've been trying to move forward. I was and still am the isolated target. If I'm in a chat, my name comes up in red. I didn't do that someone else did. If my abuser is in these forums'-y'all better watch out, cause she's a bad one and she doesn't like men-she likes women. She likes to fool people. This is Malignant covert narcissistic behaviour. My aha moment was I googled, "why is it always my fault" and up popped narcissist. That was 8 years ago. I've done the work. I've been to a therapist, I don't know how many times. Not a one had clue what a narcissist really was. They thought it was someone who did a lot of selfies. I tried to prove the narcissism like you say in this video and I wouldn't advise that at all(especially in my neighborhood) People don't like to be told what to think and the more you try to convince them the more they are going to reject it. It's a damned if you do and damned if you don't situation.

[@kimcastiglione2251]

I’m the bad one for accusing him of doing exactly what I assumed ! We do know our spouses behaviors . What a Pos ,lying , manipulative loser . He was seeing a married much younger woman who was in an arranged marriage so he waited with me . He didn’t want to be alone or pay child support . When I put the puzzle together I decided to send his mistress all the texts of him begging me to take him back so she got divorced finally met another older man got pregnant & now he’s mad 😠 lmfao . He don’t care what I feel he’s more interested in why she didn’t come for him and was she seeing this man at the same time . He’s the victim still Omg lol

[@gabrielarmijo9767]

So beautiful

[@jamieleigh807]

Michelle this is why i have always watched your videos because you are so open and honest. Always have been, and i appreciate how hard that must be sometimes especially when you know those people are family etc. You helped me get away the first time, after 5 years i have just gone back and nothing makes sense. So here i am again, just for comfort. I know what i need to do. Love to, you are precious ❤

[@markbradshaw7282]

My "ah ha" moment was this: one point, the narcissist lied directly to my face and I already had proof that what she was saying was straight up false. I thought "Okay, this time, I have her dead to rights. The proof is undeniable. She can't squirm out of this one or blame me." I calmly brought this up to her, and her reaction was STILL just to get defensive, ask what my problem was, then give me the silent treatment. The was truly the moment the lightbulb went off for me that she was, in fact, the problem. This person just lied to my face and when presented with indisputable proof, STILL demanded that I apologize to HER for pointing it out. That told me some hard truths: A) this person is not above playing this game, lying to you, and then accepting an undeserved apology (and all of our past fights were now being recontextualized in my mind with this new information...) B) she's doing this to maintain the status quo - even when you are 100% right, you will still lose because this person is completely resistant to facts, logic, evidence and fairness. And finally C) if she's doing this TO you, deliberately, then the harsh reality is that she doesn't care about you. She CAN'T care about you if she is doing this over and over, compulsively, knowing that it makes you feel bad. She'll never apologize, never change, and never even hear you out when you want to talk about it. At first, I just thought this was an extremely entitled, manipulative, stubborn and toxic person (as I was unfamiliar with the concept of narcissism at the time), but the realization that the person had a personality disorder came when I was deciding how to move forward with my newfound understanding of the situation. I thought about completely calling her out, telling her that the game was over and that I was on to her. But then I took a step back and thought "You know, she won't even ALLOW you say that. She will run away and claim she's being attacked before you ever get a word out. Based on dozens and dozens of past experiences, I don't think she is even capable of receiving criticism." With a conman, they will often show some understanding that they KNOW what they're doing to you is wrong, and when they get caught, they'll generally admit that you got taken advantage of and sort of say "Yeah, so what?" With the narcissist, they'll genuinely believe they are the victim if they get caught or get held accountable. That told me that there is something actually WRONG with this person - that they are incapable, at a base level, of acting like a normal, healthy individual. So I shortly cut ties and went no contact with this person (which of course was a mess), and it wasn't until about 6 months later, I happened to stumble across a video about narcissistic personality disorder and knew immediately: that was it!

[@jayslightom6933]

@MicheleLeeNieves you're absolutely beautiful... I'm not the first to say this I know, and Def not the last, but, I just wanted to join that list 😊

[@jezbezzer4277]

I started Google about her lies and after... I can't actually talk about it still 😂😂😂 thank you so much for the great Videos ❤

[@YesToMiracles]

After 3 years of a relationship, the light bulb went off when I noticed the way my partner interacted with the new baby...how he was unable to connect or tune in to cues and communications from the baby. It shocked me so much that it caused me to instantly notice how much the 9yo(who has a different father) had changed in the last 3 years(the time with this new partner) ...which guided me to notice this child was being scapegoated all along, distracting me from the problem causer, and being focused on the 9yo new behavior patterns. Now I can travel back and see all the red flags, that I noticed but thought our age difference and emotional intelligence capacity was the issue. Now when I see my self, how I don't recognize my self, how I've changed, how the 9yo changed, how the baby has even changed and feels very insecure...all by the manipulation of the covert narcissistic behaviors . Thank you so much for these resources. Its pulled me out of the isolated feeling and I feel clearer and more empowered.

[@izawaniek2568]

Thank you for This brilliant video Michelle. Everything you said is so true.

[@rad9541]

Just this year i started watching videos on how to deal with assholes at work then i realized what and who i was dealing with .these videos are a big help thank you. My mother is the biggest narcissist of them all

[@sirDaveofsmeg]

Took me 13 years to figure it out, my day came 4 days ago, and it took nano seconds to remember who I am and realise what has been happening all this time. it was like I was just woke up from being forcefully kept asleep. And strange as it sounds, in a way I felt refreshed, somehow, if that can make any sense. And one of the biggest reasons I got here, is because of you, your videos and your empathy, and your compassion, you make the world a better place So thank you, from the very, very bottom of my heart. ❤

[@davishgraff9594]

Videos like this woke me up to the idea that i was rasied by a covert. What made me truly believe it is when i told her how neglected i feel and she answered that by not talking to me and deepening the neglect. Thank you for the work you do!

[@keithstewart7514]

58 years for me (Scapegoat) to connect the Famdamnly Oppressor '$ to the Generational Narcissistic structure. My 85 yo Sadistically Catholic mother would rather I die by suicide or be instationalized as "special needs" which she labeled me to be in her final legal bound final wishes.

[@patricestar6510]

In the last 6 years of attempting to be a loving friend to someone and putting up with her toxic behavior toward me...I finally saw her So Clearly for the narcissistic abuser she is while in a heated conversation with me she demonstrated every narcissistic behavior possible...from gaslighting to projecting! What was so weird was being in a place as an objective observer to actually see her comments and how they completely fit in the narcissistic pattern of behavior. I have been under the illusion that if you just accept the narcissistic person you can still HAVE them in your life...LEARNED THAT IS NOT TRUE!! THEY WILL SLICE AND DICE YOU WHEN EVER YOU AREN'T READY!!! PART OF THEIR FLIGHT AND FIGHT PROGRAM!!

[@bronwynsimons7028]

Wow, Michelle. It's as if you're telling my story Thank you for your invaluable insight❤ And Lana, I just managed to read your comment, cos it was on top ... And gees louise. It's exactly what I say. It's asif they get to study this book on how to Become a narcissist. How can there be so much evil in this world. We are riddled with them. What a scary place But thank God for these amazing support channels It sure has made me stronger Although I'm still planning my exit... Unless he discards me first, Cos that's always an option right? I am feeling a lot more courageous than I did, just a few months ago, before discovering narcissm After having researched his behaviour for many years We've been together 17years, married 11

[@kylecardel7624]

So true..therapy is not helpful, you said it perfectly "they get more informed on how to not get caught ". Don't let them know you know what they are, only prolongs the cycle

[@dalelerette206]

This was so well said, Michelle. The worst thing that could happen to a true Covert Narcissist is for everyone else to find out the truth of just how manipulative they really are. We should naturally reciprocate free energy in proportion to what we are given. But some seem to have a “vampiric” attitude and it is best to remove them if they refuse to change. Some silent prayers of love are like a hidden prophecy fulfilled. Please do not allow their words to cut into you. If they are so hurt by your words they are claiming someone must have hurt you deeply, they are revealing that THEY ARE deeply hurt. I am unsure what they would have gone through to type such painful words in your direction, but they are wrong. Sometimes confidence can be misperceived as smugness or arrogance by a wounded person. They perceive situations as zero-sum games, where one person's gain would be another's loss. But they cannot separate their sense of perception from what really is. In those cases it is best to leave them in silent prayer as the Lord wills.

[@lindsayrichmond7500]

It took me years to realize that my anxiety was caused by my partner. I came across a narcissist video on tik tok and a light bulb went off. It’s a gradual manipulation and I don’t even recognize myself anymore.

[@llamalady9810]

I was searching to make sense of what was going on with me. Ended up going to therapy, a metamorphic program, and through that I was led to another therapist because my therapist was curious as to whether I was suffering from narcissistic abuse. So thankful I went to therapy.

[@NarcisismoTV]

Michelle you’re also very funny. Thanks for bringing a little humor to this topic ❤🎉

[@williamheinsinger7390]

Run Forest, Run 💥

[@danitaoliver264]

Michelle, it was 5 Months in......... when this hit me like a ton of bricks. I was Lock in by then. I Love Your Flavor of Healing.......and I'm thankful for your accreditation School. I wish there was some sort of Grant Available. I feel I could Heal with your Direction n the detailed School n Coaching Program. I Really Appreciate You!!!!♡

[@nonserviam12345]

My story of life. Your videos literaly opened my eyes. And then joining the Thrivers School of transformation totally changed my life. 🙏 Thank you

[@donnalouisewood9111]

I finally saw that my ex was trying to get reaction out of me when my doctor reduced my medication for paranoia when my daughter was born and when I saw my ex partner laughing when I was crying my eyes out and I saw him turn round and get real pleasure out of my pain then I realised he was a narcissist but then he took my daughter when we split up but when I saw my daughter I stopped giving him a reaction and then he stopped me seeing my daughter so now I am trying to get my daughter back

[@patrickdaigle5239]

Thank you Michele 🥰

[@thevindictive6145]

You always lose with a narcissist. Just get away as soon as you find out If you fight get ready for a fight of your life. I am talking about courts. Bosses moms, wifes, husbands, friends, get far far away if you can. Don't fix them, fix yourself because believe me, they have messed with your soul if you been around them long enough.

[@bluedogfish2]

I was searching divorce on KZbin……. Right …. Divorcing, a narcissist I feel so stupid, a malignant covert, narcissist . They are so predictable. They all do the same thing and then you start searching how they became this way and start putting the puzzle together.

[@johnpaul2285]

💌

[@JennyAmigo31]

Still struggling to figure this out. I was married to an overt narc who abused me for 24 years w/6 kids. Now after 7 years of healing- I am remarried. But…. He’s a little erratic… sorta different now- and acting passive aggressive and promising to change- he’s changing for sure- or- is he acting- or am I triggered? Is it me? Omgosh. Been listening to Michelle and the others for weeks- taking NOTES/ recording strange conversation word salads/ deflection… is it me? Am I crazy? I thought I had done so so so much healing! Now what? I don’t want to waste time.

[@joshuapelz2688]

It's not you, it's him. 100% !!! Just have ZERO sense of humour when interacting with him. They NEVER change because they are INCAPABLE of it. Literally. They are wired for deception, acting, lies, manipulation. The whole world and everyone in it are supporting characters in THEIR tv show. They are the writer, director, producer, and star, and only crave supply - whether that's positive or negative feedback. They only crave attention. And if you give it to them, they they think they've tricked you into giving it to them. Go absolute NO contact. If that's not possible - just have zero sense of humour when dealing with them. Matter of fact, and that's it. Be strong. You're not the crazy one. Please check out Dr. Les Carter too. He's very helpful.

[@sandrabentley8111]

But you said you are married now. Why even get caught up in your ex's nonsense? Just dropping off picking kids up I assume?

[@JennyAmigo31]

@@joshuapelz2688- thank you- I divorced him and have gone no contact. He’s been silent. Convinced our community that he’s the poor victim. He’s moved on - Not sure the details. I’m free but still think about him daily- knowing he moved 2 miles down the road isn’t helping.

[@Mika.Mikich]

01:53 - Yep. Wen to a preffesional and she did not see it. Tbh, it is partially my fault she did not notice my torture by a covert narc mother. There were several things i wanted to talk about with the therapist, but a blocakede in my mind stopped me. I was saying some stuff, but only halfway, hoping she would get that i am being tortured, but she did not...

[@matilda1505]

All that matters is how many months , years we waste on these ars…holes. If you think you can make them to see YOU. Stop ! They are not interested.

[@jimmoravec1326]

These Narcs ( Demons ) must all be the same because everyone says the same thing about them

[@genecollins-v4j]

So it took me 7 1/2 years of constantly questioning myself asking myself what the heck is going on here trying to trap her trying to figure her out trying to catch her and I couldn’t catch her. I could not figure it out. I thought I was going crazy and they called me paranoid and she said I’m being paranoid and everything else but in my heart I knew I just knew I just knew I just knew You’re cheating on me. I know you are and I know who you’re cheating on with I knew was the guy next-door I knew that she was cheating with him and even to this very day she still denies it but yet in my heart, I know that she cheated and I know she still occasionally cheating with him but yet I cannot catch him yet, but the spirit of God that is operating in me has told me the truth, and now I know for a fact That my gut instinct in my intuition was correct all along and now my eyes are open my spiritual eyes are open and now I see her for what she really is!! It hurts but now I can finally move on!!