Where I've Been | Personal life update (tw: grief/ loss)

[@TheDukeofGinge]

This is not just for zeppy but for anyone reading this. Grief is an emotion you have ZERO control over! There is no right or wrong what to deal with it, there is no set time of when it starts and when it ends. When it comes to Grief the only person who can really deal with it is you and you have to do what ever the hell you need too! Grief can be the loss of a loved one or the loss of something you cared about, a friendship, a project, a job. What ever is the cause of the grief make sure you keep the good memories close to heart.

[@Frostbytten1]

Grieve in your own time. Don't let anyone tell you when you're supposed to feel better. Losing someone you love is like carrying a heavy rock. The rock never gets lighter, but in time you'll grow stronger and be able to carry it easier.

[@darthgorbag]

This

[@Prime_Mover2112]

💯this. I have lost a parent and can confirm what this person said is accurate. It’s not necessarily “getting over the grief”. It’s a new normal you WILL get used to, but it takes time. Don’t be afraid to feel ok, that’s what our loved ones want for us. If you need to cry, cry. If you want to laugh at a happy memory, laugh. Let yourself feel all of it. You will be ok. ❤

[@freakord]

These are lovely words. Thank you.

[@thrawn82]

Completely this. I also find comfort in the jar metaphor.

[@AlucardXIX]

Feb of this year will be 10 years since I lost my dad, I can assure you it never goes away, but it does get easier to deal with. Grieve however works for you, and never let anyone tell you you're grieving the "wrong way". My condolences to you. Stay strong.

[@Powerage_86]

So sorry for your loss ❤❤ grief has no time limit to when to heal. It takes different times for all of us.

[@VulkaanLost]

I’m sorry Zepla. It takes a brave person to share their grief with the world, but I have no doubt you doing so is helping members of your community who are also struggling with loss. A wise man once told me “it is a beautiful gift, to have loved someone so much that we grieve them when they’re gone.” I still miss him, still try to make him proud, and always hold onto those words.

[@Fishsticks2dos]

Loosing someone you love is a hole that never quite fills. I just sorta learned to put a rug over the hole and when you step on it emotionally and get the feels, you take a step back. Hope ya feel better.

[@MusicSkypirate]

I also lost my mum last year March - similar circumstances, she was only 53 and myself 33 at the time. Grief doesn't really go away I think and it creeps up on you at the most random moments. When I'm alone I shed a tear or more for the person I loved so much, the one who I felt like I could share anything without fear of judgement. Nobody else can really compare I guess... Hearing that little note your mom left was beautiful. My mum left behind her own music which I listen to every now and then too which is nice. I wish I could say it gets easier but I'm honestly not 100% sure if it does yet. My heart can feel like it's missing a huge piece of it, as I'm sure yours does for your mom too. The best we can all do though is kind of live our lives because they would never want us to feel so sad. Your mom is so proud of what you've achieved and what you've become I bet. You've done some amazing things whether that's for FFXIV, WoW which your viewers see and I bet a ton of other real life achievements too. I'll pause now because I could keep going but yeah your video kinda caught me off guard after I heard the kind words your mom left. Sending much love from a random viewer over the years. Take care ✨

[@oliverdevega]

Oh, this really caught me off guard, tearing up while listening to you. My heart feels your pain Zepla. I can only imagine how hard and how painful this might be. All the love and support your way always, you're so strong. Give yourself time to grief and to let go, all you need. It's a natural process and it's needed. I'm proud of you. Much love ♥

[@Mephiie666]

I‘m so sorry Zepla! Take your time to grief and to heal. I feel you. 🫂🕯️🕊️

[@cold_zebra]

I’m so sorry for your loss. I lost a parent to alcohol, I can relate. Grieve at your own pace and be sure to spend time with people you love and consider therapy - it was monumental in helping me recover.

[@tek512]

Excellent way to channel your sadness. You can either let it rule you, or you can find a way to make it useful.

[@MadX8]

Hey Zepla. I've lost my dad last week so I can definitely relate with what you're going through. My dad was alcoholic too and he was in an auto destructive path for decades now. Nothing we could say will help right now but be kind to yourself and try to enjoy the little things in life. Grief is a very personal thing even though we all go through it. Take all the time you need and, again, be kind to yourself. Sending you all the love

[@TheRevan1337]

Sincerest Condolences

[@alijha6312]

I just recently starting watching your WoW videos, I remember hearing of you from Preach from time to time. I like you personality and how to tell stories in WoW. That being said, I'm not normally one who comments on videos I just watch, like, and move to the next. HOWEVER, this topic hits very close to home. Take all the time to grieve, it will become easier in time but as someone who lost his mother over 20 years ago now, I'll tell you, I still have moments where I cry thinking of her. You'll never forget don't worry. But the pain becomes manageable. Thanks for sharing this story.

[@Jadedarms]

I'm so sorry for the loss of your Mother, I experienced something very similar with my long time friend from childhood, thank you for sharing your story. It is very hard and even years from now you will think of her and remember a good memory and you might still cry but at least you made some great memories to cherish. I don't think you're oversharing it helps everyone in your community that care for you and possibly even helps them cope if they are in a similar situation.

[@benandmesser2885]

I'm so sorry for your lost, my mother passed in 2022, and it's still hard everyday, don't ever feel like you should feel better because it's been x amount of time. It sucks to say it, but it never goes away. You grow around the pain. I love your dream of her too! When you see them in your dream, they say it's them visiting you. Your mother is always with you, even if not physically. Good luck with your journey through grief. It's a brutal one, but it makes us stronger.❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤

[@chantzgnad88]

There is no way to Grieve correctly. Thank you for your bravery to share your process of understanding and accepting and moving through the pain as gracefully as you can. I will be praying for all the healing grace God can provide in times like these and know there are so many thinking of you and praying for you too! much love from Kansas City to u!

[@tehutiboi]

My deepest condolences. Having experienced grief and trauma like this personally, my heart goes out to you. I have found that sharing like this has helped heal so I hope you do find some of that here. Thanks for the deep share.

[@JayBigDadyCy]

Thank you for sharing this. I can't imagine what you're going through. I've been sober long time, which means I've also known a lot of people who have died either directly or indirectly from alcoholism. Even today. It's so misunderstood and it's such a hard thing that affects everybody around us. I'm so sorry you lost your mom to this. I don't think it's anything that you ever get through or over. I think you just get used to it and you become okay with it and just learn to accept that that's the way life is. Sometimes. That life just isn't fair sometimes. I've always loved your channel. I think that you are one of the most vibrant underrated people on this platform and I can't wait to see the stuff that you come out with in the future, especially the ff14 stuff.

[@MrBrentdg]

sorry for your loss. Just takes time and remembering the warmth of the love of your mom had for you and taking that warmth of love forward with each step.

[@ldemo381611]

It has been 10 years for my mom. Some days it feels like a lifetime ago and others days it feels like yesterday. As far as I can tell you are doing it right, as there is no right way. I found it to be learning to be okay with it not being okay or like one commenter said, it is carrying a boulder constantly. You never get to put it down but I do agree you get stronger and some days it will not be as noticeable. Others it will be all you can notice. Don't be to hard on yourself for having a good day or bad day. Self guilt over both I found to be a hard thing to manage. I guess allow yourself to feel each emotion but don't beat yourself up. Your moms letter gutted me, my mom said I will be every hummingbird you see. I now have a hummingbird tattoo. If you are in to tattoos, I found it to be a big part of my healing process and wow lots and lots of wow. Please take care of yourself.

[@mshelly424]

I'm so sorry for your loss zepla. Everyone morns in their own time and their own way. ❤ you're in my thoughts ❤️

[@select20]

So sorry to hear Zep. As many others have already said or alluded to, you can't put a time limit on grief. Many times other, seemingly non-related emotions will inexplicably attach themselves to grief which can also be confusing. Also never feel guilty about grieving and never let anyone make you feel guilty about it. So take you time, allow yourself to grieve, and know you so many people supporting you our own way. Sending Hugs, Prayers and blessings

[@JermaineAdams71]

😢 loss is hard and the grieving process takes as long as it needs to. Bless you 🙏🏾

[@roooplays]

sup zepla, grief sucks the worst. Loss is the gnarliest pain, and it never really leaves, nothing makes it better, but life does go on. That being said, it does change, and you go on and have more capacity to think about regular life things. The bit about grief dreams resonated really hard, I remember when my grandma died having dreams about talking with her and being so excited to chat that I woke myself up. My pops had a stroke a couple years ago and I've had dreams of talking with him even though he'd lost his speech. Even with the hurt, you will be okay. The folks in your life that love you will be there when you need someone. Take care of yourself! It's okay to go through the garbage feelings at the pace that makes sense to you

[@imraw17]

Thank you so much for sharing Zep. Just know our hearts are with you and your loved ones all the way!

[@DranCh]

100% can relate to feeling guilty about not being sad or feeling grief as time goes by and you kinda have to get used to continuing on with your life. I remember when I lost my mom, as I also went through that period many months later where the times between inconsolable grief became longer, I'd catch myself and feel I "needed" a good cry - I would put on a song she liked and often sang along with, or I looked at her messages on my phone, or even opened up a suitcase I kept with some of her clothes, that still smelled of her. and I'd have a good cry, get it out of my system and move on with the rest of my day. I used to call it "squeezing out the sponge" because it felt like my heart was this heavy sponge filled with all these feelings and emotions that needed to coalesce and get squeezed out with a good cry. It's been just over 2 years since she passed and I no longer need to squeeze out the sponge... but from time to time the grief does come back, though it is much more manageble, a wave of sadness like a rain cloud just passing through. Wishing you all the best in coming to terms with your grief, Zepla. You never really heal but it does get better, you learn to live with the loss and enjoy life again despite of it.

[@KamachoMan09]

Always keep your head up! We are here for you. I know we will make it through bunbun

[@avstzn]

I lost my mom in 2021, experienced a lot of similar feelings to what you're going through. especially when I would catch myself feeling better then feel guilty about it like I was doing something wrong. therapist really helped me when she said "the only thing your mom ever wanted was for you to be happy, so don't feel guilty for it. you're healing and there isn't anything wrong with that. continue to move forward with her" ❤️‍🩹

[@HurleyMage]

I lost my dad in 2013. Pain feels just as sharp and profound as it did then. I always tell people the pain never really goes away, you just sort of live to cope with it. I'm sorry for your loss Zepla.

[@cruick32]

Condolences Zep, sending positive thoughts & vibes to you & your entire family. Hugs.

[@cletus9791]

Big hug, Zepla. Grief is painful and super weird, and a beautiful reminder of how much the person we lost meant to us

[@cusithe7076]

I am sorry to hear of your loss :( There is no "right or wrong" when it comes to grief, just be kind and gentle to yourself as you find your personal way through it. There's no time limit by which you "ought to be feeling better". Moments of feeling happiness are ok, they are allowed, despite the at-first-inevitable feeling of questioning whether you should be allowed to feel happy at all any more (you are). Finding happiness again in things in life honors those we have lost, it doesn't betray them or our memory and love for them. The pain does get less intense and less frequent with time. The phrase "getting over it" that might be said to us, or that we might even say to ourselves, can set unrealistic expectations, instead it is more of a "coming to terms with"; it changes you and who you are, and while it does stop being so overwhelming so often, in a kind of spiral over time, it is always part of you going forward and grief may still crop up now and then years or decades later (and that's perfectly ok if and when it does, that's not a failure to "get over it"). Also, thank you for sharing, it will definitely help others facing similar things, and I hope it is also a helpful step on your journey through it too. I don't think we all talk enough about grief, loss, struggle, so it is good to see you helping change that. All the best.

[@AmandaPelland]

Hi Zepla. I'm so sorry for your loss. Grief isn't easy to navigate and comes in brutal crashing waves and most often when we least expect it. I lost my husband a few years back and I had cried every day for 6 months straight, then once a week, to a few times a month. It will take time and allow yourself to move through your grief -- this community has your back. Also, thank you for sharing your mom's letter to your viewers, so heartfelt and your mom's foresight and wonderful gift of writing shone through, a true treasure to always hold onto. ❤❤❤❤

[@redfox4561]

I'm so sorry for your loss...never feel bad about feeling grief and don't rush the recovery, everyone heals on their own time and that's ok.

[@TheNewCoalition]

My mom died 9 years ago, crazy to think it's been this long. It was a turning point in my life. It was 2016/17. It's incredibly difficult. I miss her all the time, and think about her every day even now. It was the most painful thing I've ever experienced as well. I went through a long depression because of it. The times between the overwhelming grief does get longer and longer. I'm writing this as I listen to what you're saying...and you took the words out of my mouth. When I felt okay, I felt guilty for feeling anything other than very strong grief. It's okay to share. Your honesty is amazing, and to be real it's nice to know I'm not the only one who experienced it this way. Because it's been something I felt stupid about before...but I think it's just one way people experience grief and that's okay. You're appreciated. Take your time. I'm happy you're finding some joy here and there again.

[@kameenavery9616]

Zepla, my condolences on your loss. No amount of time is going to "make it better/easier". I lost my mom last August and I still have lumps in my heart when remembering special times we had. Your parents are your Guides, teachers, comforters and healers. We only get one mom and one dad and it hurts when they are gone. I wish and hope you well as you try to heal from this loss.

[@DeathByRhapsody]

Grief has no expiration. It can return at any time. The light is always on when you return. ❤

[@ADapperDuck]

I'm so sorry, losing a parent is one of the hardest things a person can go through i think. I lost my mom almost 10 years ago and we were best friends till she started spiraling and took her own life. We would go everywhere together and have so much fun and she sounds like how you described your mom. At least for me, it was really hard for the first while and it just slowly got less and less harder as time moved on, but it truly never fully goes away and definitely comes in waves. Just yesterday i was talking with my wife about how i wish she was back because there was so many things i want to show her and I almost broke down in the McDonalds drive thru lol. The hardest part is just trying to not let yourself spiral down too, the grief is impossible, but you have to keep moving on and keep your head above water and just know that they are always with you.

[@thomaslabomba2794]

Condolences to you on your loss. I lost both my parents in my early 20s it leaves a hole in your heart that never truly heals. ❤

[@25xxfrostxx]

I lost my dad in 2016 unexpectedly. He was my best friend and the best dad I could have ever asked for. I spent a lot of time wondering when it would hurt less and the truth is, it doesn't. We learn to move forward and deal with it a little more and a little better each day. It's been 9 years and I still miss him but I realize now that my life is so much richer for the time that I got to spend with him. I'm sad that it's over but I am so blessed that it happened. Remember the good times and don't be afraid to feel the feelings when they come. It's just one foot in front of the other and after a while you start to realize you're not moving on in life away from them, you're moving forward with them.

[@joseph9418]

It doesn't get easier, we get stronger.... cliche, yup. But it does take place just like that. First time coming across your channel. And I went back to back with my mother and then my father. Both passed away from cirrhosis of the liver. Partially from heavy drinking and partially from undiagnosed Hepatitis C. It took me about 2 weeks to come out of my shock. It's been almost a decade now. Take your time. And as grim as this will sound - you will lose more in time. But most importantly, don't stop living. Don't stop "trudging" forward. You will find your way out of the mud. Take care, and stay strong.

[@realcasbah]

I have lost my father 3 years ago and I can tell you for me personally it got "better" after about 2 years of it happening. What helped me the most was one of the things a therapist once told me: any feeling is okay and that accepting the feeling in that moment is okay. Its a pretty hard and long way, time helps but I guess for me it never goes away. I wish you all the best!

[@rdxzero]

Peace be upon you and your mother 🙏🙏🙏 Take your time. Everyone grieves differently, every feeling is valid

[@gretchendawson6768]

I'm so sorry for your loss of your mom. I lost mine 2 years ago, and still whenever I'm out and about I think of things to tell her about when I get home and then get that little stomach-drop grief rush of realizing she's not there. I do still talk to her a lot - when her flowers are blooming, when the dog does something funny, when I see art I know she would love, etc etc etc. Your grief will take the time it takes; do not feel like there is some timeline of 'normal'. You do form little calluses over the pain - that's a good description, and you will start to find moments of normalcy and joy again. Do not worry about 'forgetting' her when the pain starts to fade a bit, it doesn't work that way we just get some distance from the pain. Much love to you and your family.

[@mgshadow45]

Its ok to feel how you feel for as long as you need to heal. I lost my dad in 2011 and it took me around 5 years to get my brain wrapped around it. Take your time.

[@shannencathleen8615]

You are so sweet. Your mom was a lucky momma to have had you. You will greive forever, but it will get easier on your terms. It never goes away though, unfortunatly. Its a blessing and a curse to love. I feel for you. I understand your pain and mindset. Its been 20 years for my loss, and I cried with you today. Its ok. Its going to be ok. Your doing fine. Thank you for checking in and please, dont rush yourself. Allow yourself to feel everything. Take care of yourself darling. Xoxo. ~Shannen, from Delta Colorado.

[@TeraByteify]

Sorry for your loss Zep, I don't really play the games you do, but you're such a lovely personality I look forward to your videos anyway. Take your time, good people will wait.

[@dawn888]

I’m sorry for your loss. Hope working would help to keep the mind elsewhere and let time heal. Our loved ones will be in our heart, and the fun and warm memories be with us through our journey. ❤

[@talisredstar1543]

Sorry for you loss. I knw all of the feelings you have been having. in past decade or there abouts, i've lost my grandpa, my mom, and then dad, both suddenly, and then the woman that raised me my grandmother. Pain never goes away, that wound is always there, but you do learn to live it. Why? because that pain comes from love, and as long as you love them, they will be a part of you. Right now it might feel like a gaping wound at times, but eventually you just start remembering the good times. Then you smile, maybe on a tough day when alot of things are getting to you, the grief will come back, so you let it happen. You grieve, and then you move on, because those happy memories are waiting to be remembered.

[@pookie-dev]

Stay strong, take your time processing and take things at your own pace - No matter how long the wait, I will be here to smile at and enjoy the content you make Zepla! Excited to share the World of Warcraft with you!

[@25784lazza]

I am sorry to hear about your mom. I lost my best friend at 46 it is a hell of a shock, it has been about 6 months and I have learnt so much about myself. Allow yourself time to grieve but also allow yourself to recognize the silver linings. The strengthening of bonds with people in your life that truly care about you and take time to do the things that you love because you love them and not just because you need to make content. With time it will get easier but be kind to yourself and if you need to seek counselling don't be afraid to do so. Kia Kaha (Stay Strong)

[@TheRevan1337]

Do whatever you have to. Sincerest condolences

[@Knikon79]

Grieve at your own pace. This December marked 12 years since I lost my mother, and I can tell you that the pain will never fully go away. My mother died suddenly in a routine operation, and I was hard. Even after all this time, I still grieve. There are still two days of the year (her birthday and the day that she died) where I can not force myself to do more than the bare minimum. There are still movies I can not watch, or songs that I can not listen to without crying. I will tell you that the pain does dull, but it will never go away. However, I know that my mother would not want me going through life miserable and feeling sorry for myself, and I am sure that your mother would feel the same. I believe with all my heart that I will see my mom again, so it it is not really goodbye, it is, see you later. May God bless you in the days ahead. It will get better. It will take time, but it will get better.

[@LiddytheEnchantress]

Thanks for sharing all this Zepla. I would never ask someone to do content like this, but personally I am glad people talk about this kind of loss and grief openly. It's something we all will have to face at some point in our lives. May your mom's memory be for a blessing.

[@sqidvishus]

Deeply sorry for your loss. Your mom was wonderful in the video we got to see her in. You don't worry about if you should feel better or not. Grief is deeply personal and individual. Never feel guilty about feeling better. She loves you, still and only wants the best for you and wants you to be happy.

[@BigScreamingChicken]

I'm sorry for your loss. I do appreciate you sharing your experience. I am taking care of my elderly parents and have no idea how I will be handling it when they are gone other than it will not be easy. It is helpful to get some sort of idea as to what I may experience. Thank you!

[@DrazDogXIV]

Lost my mom back like 15 years ago so the pain you're going through is all too familiar. Every single day, it gets a little better. Sending good vibes to you and your family.

[@ganimedero]

Losing someone. especially a parent is very very hard. It is nothing wrong to grieve and to feel the way you feel. Just know that time heals or how you so beautifully said, grows callouses over the pain. That doesn't mean we forget about the lost ones. Just that we learn to live with their departing.

[@frbny88]

Grief is not linear and it’s different for everyone, yet we all know exactly how you feel. I lost my dad suddenly in 2014 and I’m still having a hard time with it. I still reach for my phone to tell him something exciting. I have one voicemail on my phone from him that wasn’t even left for me, but it’s all I have left of his voice. I want to cry every day if I think too hard about him. I get it Zep. It’s okay to not be “over it” or feel like you should be over it by now. You’ll find solace in little things that you see her in, whether it’s her favorite movies, things, scents, songs. It’s bittersweet but you’ll always have things to remember her by. And her visiting you in your dreams is not a coincidence (in my opinion). I hope those dreams bring you some peace when you get to spend time with her again.

[@Jenkkimie]

Zepla, it's okay. It takes time. I lost both of my parents in 2022 as I was finishing Uni. 2-years has gone by and not a day goes by that I don't think about them. Sometimes I can smile, sometimes I am burdened by guilt, grief and longing. Losing someone very close to you changes you. Things that used to matter suddenly no longer do, and things you took for granted are now the most important things you could have. Your parents were always there, and so it's almost impossible to think about a life without them. But one way or another we have to move on, we have to honor their memory. Your parents would not have wanted you all this pain, they would have wanted you happiness, joy and success. You need to take your time, take your grief, find peace and heal, and when the time is right, you will find ways to live on. And if it brings any consolidation, then know that one day you will see them once again. Where ever our loved ones are. Be well Zepla. We are here for you.

[@josephaltman6783]

Sorry for your loss. Your fans will always be here to support you. ❤

[@gpturismo]

I just lost my wife in December (she was 41.) I am so sorry and I understand the grief. Grief is personal, and do no let any one rush you or feel like you are taking to long. My heart goes to you. I still feel like my wife died yesterday. Your mom's letter made me bawl.

[@edithead5994]

Zepla I am so sorry for your loss, my dad passed away when i was 8 years old and I can tell you you have nothing to feel ashamed about feeling the way you do or how you choose to deal with the way you deal with it. It's a kind of pain that can last a life time, you might go for months or years without really thinking about it. But then... All the sudden a smell or a song can bring back those memories and all the sudden the pain hits you the same it did the first time. Comes and goes in waves I guess. So allow yourself to feel whatever it is you wanna feel, you don't need to be fixed, you don't need to prove yourself to anything or anyone. You can basically consider yourself just part of nature that is free of judgment like a cloud a or wave, just keep being your awesome self and remember while your tanking the challenger of life the rest of us can be your healers and dps.

[@Kevin-James-08]

My heart goes out to you Zepla. I'm sorry for your loss.

[@BoltHardcheese]

So sorry for your loss.

[@hslenn1]

Take your time to heal. I think about my Mom every day. She left you some beautiful words in her letter and I’m sure she is watching over you. And yes, I would love to see another personal update from you in the future. Know that you are loved. Best wishes and condolences 🙏❤️

[@themrpiazza]

Thank you for sharing, I am so sorry for your loss, I lost my mom this time last year, I know what you're going through and I know at least for me I am just starting to not be numb from it. Hopefully talking it out will help you with the grief some, I am still looking for something to help with it myself. Just take it one day at a time is all that can be done :(

[@Pestilence021]

im sorry for your loss. 3 and a half years since my dad passed away and trust me when i say, it doesnt really go away. you just gotta remember the best of times with them. you just gotta do things on your own time and grieve at your own pace. theres no time frame for when its supposed to be done with.

[@vimzim8576]

My condolences for your loss, she sounded like a wonderful person. I hope you are not feeling guilt for not moving in with her, the way you described your dream gives me that impression, I hope I am reading it incorrectly. I lost my dad a couple of years ago, prior to that he had a stroke that left him incapable of looking after himself and I moved back in with him to look after him. Having experienced that I have made it clear to my family that if I am ever in the same position I do not want a loved one to go through that. The parent/child role flips when you take on the responsibility to care for someone and manage them, there is a lot of stress associated with it, a lot of sacrifices you have to make and as people near the end they can regress quite significantly from the person who was once your parent. You probably would have fought a lot trying to stop her from drinking, as people get older they can regress into a child-like state and it can be frustrating when trying to talk to them as an adult. I had a hard time grieving after my father passed away, a very different reaction to my siblings who only visited him now and then. I think it is a gift to be able to remember a parent through the lense of only being their child. I lost my cat a year later, not the first pet I have lost, but i had a very unusual reaction to him passing, I think it was a lot of what was bottled up with my father coming out then. I think we all grieve in different ways. Don't put a timeline on what you are feeling. Don't feel guilt about not moving in with her like your dream, everything happens the way it does for a reason. My dad kicked on for 15 years after his stroke, most people aren't in a position to put their lives on hold like that. With the benefit of hindsight it would have been a much harder decision to make.

[@dfh5270]

I'm so sorry for your loss. I know it isn't easy. I lost my Mom 9 years ago. Take your time going through the grief. My condolences to you and your family.

[@ZavokMB]

I know exactly what your going through I just lost my mom suddenly last October, for me i feel like its a weight we carry and over time get used to as we move forward. Best wishes and hang in there!

[@andorkh]

i'm sorry for your loss. I've went through something similar, 2 years ago when I lost my mom. Still to this day, when I go out for a walk, I'm tempted to call her on my phone, like I used to back then. It's raugh, and it's different for all of us. i can also related to the feeling of feeling guilty? about moving on, but I'm sure that's what your mom would want you to do as well. ( I'm bad with words, but yeah. ) Stay strong

[@Dawne54]

All the very best hunnie xx I hope you get comfort, and are able to keep your chin up to move forward. We never forget, just learn to live!

[@martinj2843]

So sorry to hear this kido, you make me smile, your a funny one, life sucks……sometimes, I’m old enough to be your dad, you are an amazing person, your close friends are the answer, do not leave yourself alone, you better not

[@dertwerst]

Very sorry that's happened, Zepla. I lost my folks a couple years ago. That dream you described resonated with me, I've had dreams and waking thoughts kinda similar to that. "What if their deaths were just a nightmare that was so strong I believed it was real for years, and now I'm in a moment of clarity realizing they're actually alive still"... Grief is very weird. It sounds like you're recovering in a pretty normal, healthy way. I'm glad for that.

[@Kang2112]

I'm so sorry. You never get over it but it does get a little easier but the hole in your heart never goes away. I lost my mom years ago and I miss her a great deal. My heart goes out to you Zelpa please take care of yourself be well and remember to live your life. I'm sure she would want that.

[@DaveTheeMan-wj2nk]

It's good to share how you're feeling. And your community supports you, and you know that

[@Saimeren]

Zorpla, I'm sorry for your loss. I'm a few years older than you, and I'm dreading the day when I lose my parents. I can't even begin to imagine what you're going through. My heart goes out to you. Ps. Don't let anyone tell you how you should grieve. You grieve at your own pace and on your own time.

[@Bunneexix]

It's been 10 years since I lost my mum, everyday is a battle, sending you love through the internet, it's very hard and a long process but never rush it, keep your chin up sweetheart!

[@briangribbins]

I’m sorry for your loss. Take your time.

[@SinCityVillain]

Zepla, though we'll never meet and I'm just some random person from the internet, I wish you peace and strength as you carry on. You've done so much for so many you'll never know. I've said before, you're a real force for good not just in gaming but as a fellow human being. If there was a way I could help I would as I'm certain many others would as well. Juust know, there are so many sending positive thoughts and energy to you, small solace that it may be. We might all be different ages, from different places but we're one big crazy family. Please take care and know, you're not alone.

[@MeritRaXIX]

I'm so sorry. Grief is different for every person. The first year it's the hardest, and it gets better. Hugs

[@zaloria9192]

Grief is a complex feeling everyone’s deals with it in different ways. In my life I deal with it with games wow has been always an outlet for me. Tears and pain are in some cases the immense love you had for that person too. Keep your chin up and remember there are those who care for you.

[@1974drowe]

Understand that we love you. My father died at the age of 29 of a heart attack. I was 4 years old. I am now 50. I can tell you that it never goes fully away. I also spent 20 years in the Army during a time where I lost a lot of friends and mentors in combat and from suicide. I have seen and been around a lot of death. People can tell you not to grieve but that is impossible. What I have learned over the years is that each day there is a reminder. Those reminders will some days make you happy, some days they will devastate you. You are a good person, it comes through when you speak, and I wish nothing but peace and happiness for you. Just remember that just by doing what you do each and every day you have helped many of us deal with our own struggles. Sometimes just by distracting us for a few hours. I have put a lot of hate and pain out in the world during my life and now I try to put love out as much as I can. I don't know you personally, but I can say that I do love you for the person that I have seen over the two years that I have been watching you on your streams. I wish you the best and please know that we are here for you just like you have been here for us.

[@RatchetRorschach]

*Losing someone precious is indeed arduous and grave* 🫀 _May time eventually heal and free your sorrow_ 🕊

[@TheVoiTube]

You just have to give grief its time. I got dead mom as xmas present at 10 so it might take time depending circumstances. Always remember the good we get to spend with our close ones. Best wishes to you and sorry for the loss you experienced.

[@Kenjinetic]

Life is tough and these days even more than ever... You aren't alone, we are here for you! Digital hug for you and your family

[@Hoigwai]

I lost my mom in August. She had been fighting cancer for 30 years so the damage that did eventually caught up with her but like your loss, it was sudden. I talked to her on Saturday; she only had the tiniest indication of a cold, and by Wednesday she had gone. What I have that lingers is my mind is fractured. Concentration is on some days near impossible, stress can push me into complete mental gridlock when I used to be able to handle it with ease. I have memory loss, I made huge mistakes in handling her affairs, if not for her two close friends to help me (only child) things would have spiraled out of control. It is like a piece of me has been deleted. All of this is to say I'm sorry for your loss; as much as possible, I understand it.

[@Haytur]

I lost my mom when i was 23, it took me 4-5 years to really move past it to where I didn't have days (typically holidays that were not REALLY hard) there is no set time for any of this, and its gonna be different for everyone. For me I still have days where something can trigger me typically a movie or something else some type of scene that drags me back into that and I can tear up. There is no wrong or right way to deal with it and how you deal with it doesn't make you a bad person or a good person. It is your grief and how you handle it is going to be different from others. Don't be like me where I spent to much time worrying about if I am a bad person for feeling happy or perhaps not acting how others expect me to act. (I did not cry at the funeral, I cried a lot other times but not there. I felt a lot of guilt over that, and to be honest I felt zero emotions at the funeral I think I was just numb, it felt unreal almost.) I carried a LOT of guilt over that, when looking back I was grieving just not in a way I thought I should be, and I was not being fair to myself. Anyway its a complicated thing, there are no right and wrongs, here. Do what you feel you need to do, and accept that you are doing your best. I doubt highly you would even read this, but on the off chance I can only hope that it helps in some way.

[@Cnith]

I'm sorry for your loss. I can't begin to imagine what you're going through, but I can understand that feeling of feeling guilty of suddenly grieving a bit less than you did the day before, in an effort to move on a bit.

[@gruumzh]

Sorry for your loss

[@faultycommodity]

I'm sorry to hear about your mom. I'm in a rough spot myself, so thank you for sharing...

[@elmeric7086]

Courage and much love. Cheers.

[@Michael_Schm]

I lost my mom 3 years ago. So far my experience has been that the pain stays. You learn to live with it. Condolences.

[@josh_flash]

We support you. Be easy on yourself. Take your time. We'll be here.

[@glintfireforge]

I lost my Mom years ago, she also spiraled near the end. You have to remember the good times and all the skills and good things she gave you. Every time you explain or do something good that your mom gave you, she is still living through you. I won't tell you that even after years it will go away completely, as it is hard still every now and then if the wrong song comes piping through I still catch a tear. It does get a little easier every year though, but just a heads up that first Mother's Day after and whatever holiday you celebrated a lot with her may hit kinda hard the first time without her. We grieve and that is a good thing, it is much better to let it out than to keep it all in and have it weigh upon ya. Hope these words help you from a little stranger on the internet, it gets better but it is good to remember and good to carry on in her stead so she's never gone so long as you are around to bring her spirit to the world.

[@anathemzero]

Zep, it will get easier, but the time it's taking is a reflection of how close to her you are. I am so sorry for your loss. It will be a part of you from now on, but it won’t hurt so much and at some point you will smile about it more than cry.

[@Neal_YouTube]

My condolences. My sister and I lost our dad 2 years ago. It took her about a full year to get over it, so don't feel like you should be over the sorrow already.

[@StellarJay77]

There is no amount of time prescribed for when you "should" be feeling better about the loss of a parent. Everyone has a different relationship with their families and with their emotions. I'm so sorry to hear that you are struggling. If interacting with your communities seems to help ten you should do that, but if it doesn't seem to help, you are under no obligation to continue doing anything that doesn't help. Wishing you all the best and the real ones will always be here for you when you're ready to return and we will support you in whatever you decides is best for you.

[@jamdivi]

"at this point I should be feeling better about it" Zep, grief does get easier in time but it never goes away. You will heal in your own time and in your own way, however long that may be and whatever it may look like. I wish you healing. Thank you for sharing the letter from your mom