Why a narcissist says you're 'too sensitive'

[@basilrose]

Mocking a scapegoated child for being "too sensitive" is a most insidious form of abuse. It robbed me of my selfhood and crippled me with lingering echoes of self-doubt. I'm enormously grateful to you Dr. Reid for explaining why a family would inflict such abuse on one of their children. Thank you for saving my sanity and life.

[@akala-bluesaville9866]

The first sentence you wrote just made me bawl like a baby. Says it all. Thank you. Be kind to yourself🙏bless

[@basilrose]

@@akala-bluesaville9866 thank you dear heart, peace and blessings to you as well 🙏

[@basilrose]

@@ekkamailax Now you're scapegoating all women. And it's not our society it's the damn antisocial media internet. Don't be one of those people who abuses others because you were abused. Do better.

[@pearpo]

When a curious passionate happy child is called too sensitive.. 🤦🏾‍♀️

[@pearpo]

They could at least be honest and say to the child “Look! I need quiet time. What would you like to do for 30 minutes of quiet time? Look at this cool book? Or here’s your favorite game.” Instead parents blow up at their kids and then call the child overly sensitive.

[@meredith2803]

Yes you’re the “too sensitive” one. Meanwhile you can’t say anything to them and have to constantly walk on eggshells. Thanks Dr Jay, I watch your posts every Sunday, they keep me sane.

[@goldieh7121]

Yes, it's a weird fine line to walk regarding feelings with them. My mom's feelings were always getting hurt. My mom was once telling someone about the time my eyes got so big when my pediatrician started teaching her how to spank me. I told her that was actually a traumatic to experience for me and she acted hurt and sulked. She did the same thing, years ago, when she started smoking when I was still finishing my lunch and I asked her to stop. Any boundaries hurt their feelings.

[@meredith2803]

@@goldieh7121 that’s terrible. Why would a paediatrician teach a parent how to hit a child?? That’s disgusting and I’m sorry you went through that.

[@goldieh7121]

@@meredith2803Thanks! That was in the early 1970s, but still 😞. I think many of us go through cognitive dissonance, especially when our childhoods were portrayed as idyllic. It is huge when we can start to see why it all felt like a lie. These videos and the comments are so helpful☺️

[@backyardfunwithsimone9213]

Totally agree. I asked my narcissistic golden child sister to keep her text messages respectful and without sarcasm, so we could have some sort of a relationship. She dropped off the face of the earth after that, I have not heard from her since...

[@meredith2803]

@@backyardfunwithsimone9213 does it bother you or are you enjoying the peace and quiet?

[@charissaschalk5175]

Good points, Jay! Thank you. I heard a phrase once that stuck with me, and although I haven't always honored it, it's what I aim for. "Go where you're celebrated, not where you're tolerated."

[@rw4754]

😃Brilliant. I wish I had thought of that 55 years ago.

[@Meanie74]

Me this Christmas lmao. I think I’ll tell my narcissistic family side “I’m gonna go spend Christmas with the part of my family who admits when they are wrong” lol. It should be especially chafing since my whole childhood they painted that side as the “mental side”… better than repression and shame I’ve realized

[@peaceofmindofpeace1650]

Wow good one indeed!

[@annekenney6914]

Getting a narcissist to apologize or see your point of view isn't possible. They will say you are too sensitive because they just don't care.

[@sylviasmith5045]

As I have come to believe.... Never waste your time explaining yourself to anyone intent on misunderstanding you.

[@aliendeathrocker]

​@@sylviasmith5045 thank you for saying this, I really needed to hear it.

[@pearpo]

Deflection. If they aren’t a narcissist they may care. In my situation, but lazy and was unable to parent. She improved but it was different times. We are lucky to have so many resources nowadays to improve parenting, or improve boundaries. I learned by fire 🔥 Child care was always easy for me, the kids weren’t messed up like the parents.. yet.

[@adrianaalvaradorodriguez6454]

While narc parents expect you to endure everything from them, they are easily wounded by the slightest display of any feared threat. They will also change rules, expectations, moods, the narrative of reality, and so on in such an unpredictable way that scapegoats will always find themselves in the 'blame spot' for their attacks. After a while one becomes like a cartoon of oneself and having also traits from the narc parents, not knowing where the true self is. The puzzle work begins and detaching from pain and behaivor patterns is a paramaunt challenge. Thank you dr. Reid for helping us so much in our quest. Your support is well appretiated.

[@hej2800]

this is one of the best ways i've seen the narc parent-child relationship being described..

[@annekenney6914]

Their double standards causes major cognitive dissonance.

[@adrianaalvaradorodriguez6454]

@@hej2800 Thank you. Glad to share and to be understood.

[@Greenwings701]

To know a narcissist is to be in their game. Less exposure, less game. They are skunks; stay away.

[@realhealing7802]

I was always told that I was too sensitive but in reality my family is abusive. I finally went no contact to save my mental health.

[@Suzu52]

I am seriously considering, because I can t take much more...but I have a 7 yr old granddaughter)the only happy thing in my life) and I d lose her so...I guess I just tolerate the disrespect/devalueing/ diminihing.....

[@simplypositiveme]

Yes, yes, yes

[@ekkamailax]

Isn’t is weird how you are “too sensitive” but if you dared to mock or criticize them, they have an emotional outburst

[@tomk2926]

When we get upset at mistreatment we are seen as weak and sensitive. But when other people get upset they are seen as confident and high status.

[@denisel780]

My dad did the same thing with the explosive rages. The ridiculous level of anger, never seemed justified to me. If I said something about his yelling I was told that I "didn't know what yelling was." I grew up terrified of other people's anger. Being called too sensitive happened almost everyday along with being told I needed to get a thicker skin. I can't even begin to tell you how validating and empowering this video is. ALL of your videos are helpful. Thank you!

[@adrianaalvaradorodriguez6454]

Yes we are too sensitive to the needs of others, to the enviroment, we consider ourselves to be an utter inconvenience.

[@leahflower9924]

The best is when they do something that's clearly over the edge even for them and then they say "you're still not over it yet?"

[@denisel780]

@@adrianaalvaradorodriguez6454 I would love to be able to shake that feeling of being an inconvenience.

[@denisel780]

@@leahflower9924 Ha! Exactly!

[@ASMRyouVEGANyet]

​@@leahflower9924 oh so true. And yet they hold onto everything.

[@Nise_R]

So familiar in my toxic family. Glad I chose low contact.

[@jembartlett]

After years of coming to terms with being the scapegoat (a private hell only another scapegoat could know), I've started to realise that the narcs, bullies and scapegoaters of this world are actually the most sensitive and thin-skinned of all. I suspect they remember every slight, and would think nothing of obliterating a relationship if someone challenged or hurt them in any way. I was shrouded from understanding this for a long time because my scapegoaters did the most fantastic job at labelling me as "too sensitive" & "a sook". The truth is, my sadness, hurt and anger, and my attempts in younger years to draw attention to the horrendous behaviour, were actually extremely appropriate & accurate reactions, and signs of my own health.

[@peaceofmindofpeace1650]

Exactly and ironically they are always taking the lecturing role by saying 'you just have to have an elephant skin'.

[@dotsyjmaher]

So true..After I escaped.I realized I existed to meet EVERYONE'S needs... but I was not allowed to have any needs...it was so strange to realize that...like I was in the Twilight Zone..I knew ..I had no family...I was alone

[@adrianaalvaradorodriguez6454]

You have your precious self, good enough.

[@user-zy8gk2nn7d]

just to be their slave like in old times

[@gypsyknight6076]

Exactly. Remember that Jesus loves you!

[@dnk4559]

I recall telling a sibling that. She was allowed feelings, another sister was allowed needs but as the oldest and scapegoat I was not allowed feelings or needs.

[@scottwells2456]

As a Survivor of these relationships I suggest that Anyone in a system like this get out as soon as practically possible. The longer you stay, the longer the recovery afterwards. If you have to cut losses then do so - within reason of course. I used to attempt the 'repairs' Jay is referring to - Only to be blasted a second time, then a third and so forth. Safely Removing myself from the situation and initiating no contact (which was met with retaliation) was the beginning of my recovery journey. Here is what I have learned: The SOUL takes a hit in these situations and potentially can be extinguished. The SELF gets annihilated in these relationships and becomes fragmented, frasctured or worse.. The human core has tremendous capacity to endure but itself has a limit. Narrsasistic abuse can take an individual beyond their breaking point

[@debbie6415]

Yes to all of this. Thank you for putting this into words. It’s exactly how I feel but have been unable to put into words

[@3rdStoneObliterum]

****THE SOUL CAN NEVER BE EXTINGUISHED***

[@regulardude7961]

@@3rdStoneObliterum THIS!

[@dnk4559]

Very well said Scott.

[@aoeulhs]

"You have to have a thick skin to live in this family," said N-mom, gleefully and a lot.

[@mattstiefel4806]

The narcs in my family act like they are so great that "inferior" people can't handle it, due to being too sensitive. The same people can't have a conversation where they so much as entertain the possibility that they could be wrong about anything. They act like reacting with anger and defensiveness hides their true weakness, but it only makes it more obvious.

[@adrianaalvaradorodriguez6454]

Too bad she didn't apply it to herself.

[@aking3624]

My mom's standard comment was, "you never really fit in this family". Meaning that i always asked why and resented being punished when i didn't go along with the status quo..

[@jwhite5396]

@@aking3624 She was uncomfortable with you recognizing the dysfunction and having the guts to say something about it.

[@GuitarMatt]

There's nothing like that sadistic smirk that you hope is someone smirking with you instead of at you... It's heartbreaking / ballbusting

[@Brittany25-j6f]

Definitely! I was constantly told that I was too sensitive. When you think about it, if being sensitive is bad, being insensitive must be good! So I guess it's a compliment when I say that the people who told me this are very insensitive. Oh, and I was also "too defensive." So let me compliment them again, because they are extremely offensive.

[@catjones2684]

Omg yes! My father would regularly mock me for being too sensitive and the whole family would stand around laughing at me. I was mowing the lawn on a Sunday afternoon and complained it was too hot. He mimicked the way my voice broke and the phrase “ith thooo hothhhh” became a sing song way everyone could shame me for “having a pain threshold of mild discomfort “. There were loads of songs and jokes like that. I would join in if I needed closeness eventually because putting myself down in the way they did was sure to make them smile.

[@l.ameenaa4669]

Nasty :(

[@catjones2684]

@@l.ameenaa4669 thanks

[@peachbun]

I'm sorry you grew up with that experience 🙁 It's hard to want acceptance and love to that level of making fun of yourself too.

[@taniabluebell3099]

We’re not Canadian but I’d sing “Blame Canada!” when I was being wrongfully accused of something. They knew I was “Canada” and I often used humor to protect myself. Sometimes this diversion worked and my mom would laugh and it diffused things. Other times she would double down and her anger would intensify. Your ability to join in their mockery of you shows how strong you were. My family members crumbled when they faced similar persecution external sources.

[@charlottenash9119]

My father and sister would treat me the same way! Just laugh at my sensitivity!

[@whitehorse3828]

Jay, you have and continue to be SO helpful in my recovery from sexual/emotional/physical abuse by both my parents. The very people who bring you into this world and are supposed to nurture and protect you, are the very people who destroy you is so sad. I am 67 now and it has taken all my life to recover thanks to the internet and therapists like you! All my love and thanks to you Jay!!! :-)

[@Tinky456]

Sorry for what you have suffered! I've suffered similar abs I'm 58 now!

[@taraarrington2285]

❤️

[@gracebe235]

Yeah, abuse from those whom we should have been able to trust, lean on, and believe. Their job was to give an abundance of understanding, patience, love. To communicate with us about things that would help us along in our lives, and allow us to freely ask questions without ridicule or shaming. Many of us didn’t get any of that. Many of us are only now (in our 50’s 60’s and later), finding out just what it was that we were really dealing with. We had been led to believe that we were somehow faulty, broken, screwed up people….which ironically, led us to be faulty, broken, screwed up people! The one good thing about the Internet, is finding these things out….better late than never….but oh! How much more pain I could have avoided, had I known this information YEARS ago!

[@angelakh4147]

The old double whammy: I mistreat you, then I make you feel shame about being hurt and sow doubt in your mind that you really were hurt. So maybe it’s the triple whammy.

[@ekkamailax]

After I was mocked and belittled, I would get upset, and the narc mom would say “you are responsible for your own emotions. If you choose to take it negatively that’s on you.” I never had a response to this. In fact, our society seems to reinforce this way of thinking - that others are not responsible for your emotions. If other people are not responsible for your emotions, then there would be nothing wrong with mockery, put downs, and disrespect. The reason these behaviors are considered inappropriate are because they have the power to instill harmful emotions in the victim. Therefore, other people absolutely are responsible for your emotions to some extent, which is why we need boundaries.

[@johndeal4381]

My mom did that to me. "You're too sensitive." It also is a way of evading conflict.

[@bradyryan5105]

Tiffany is stronger than me. My parents tried to pull me out of therapy when they found out I was talking about their treatment of me

[@taniabluebell3099]

Exposure is the biggest threat to the narcissist. I went no contact and my parents are doing everything to hoover me back in. It’s amazing the lies they made up about me to somehow justify why I left. I think what they’re most afraid of is being exposed. They can’t control me anymore. I’ve told no one, but their constant advertisement of me leaving is their own way of exposing themselves.

[@marybethray9481]

At age 13 or 14 I approached my narc mom and said I think there's something wrong with me. I think I need to see a psychologist. She laughed out loud and said, "Don't be ridiculous!"

[@bradyryan5105]

@@marybethray9481 whoa

[@mrb4761]

@@bradyryan5105 Marybeth isn't the only one who got that from her parental units

[@theenchantedforester4661]

@@marybethray9481 off course. They hate reality. The realisation of something being wrong with "their" child, would make them thing something is wrong first and for most with them, because the fruit falls under the tree, not in the ocean 100 miles away. And in what universe does a narc ever think that there might be something wrong with them and no one else? right. Nowhere. Unless they hit rock bottom. But with all the enablers right and left, only a few and far in between actually do that.

[@ASMRyouVEGANyet]

You're either too sensitive or you're cold hearted if you go grey rock while they're flying into a rage. It's the double bind of being in a narcissistic abusive relationship.

[@jacobsed6665]

I love you so much 😭😭😭 You’re like the big brother I never had. Thank you ❤️❤️❤️

[@maisumsobreviventedeabuson5277]

My mother’s household rules do not include respect to indinviduality and to legit needs

[@adrianaalvaradorodriguez6454]

Unless, of course, respect and needs are about the narcs. Double standards.

[@denacrescini1990]

As I watch these and listen to the examples it is like watching a replay of my childhood and then marriage! The damage that others do to people is beyond me. It has taken me 53 years and most of my sanity to FINALLY realize the " go where you are wanted" part. I have little to nothing to do with my entire family, children included, for these reasons. I go to nothing unless I am invited or asked. I never assume anymore, like I used to.

[@sylviasmith5045]

I'm 51 and only now I am realising that. There is always some type of drama at these family events anyway, if I'm not there they can't blame me. Even if they do invite me I will look closely at the situation and see what way is it going to benefit them if I go. Usually it has to do with my mother now, who has dementia and my brothers get "bored" having to sit with her/repeat everything etc. 10 years ago I wasn't even sitting at the family table for the parents lavish 80 birthday party because I was practically forgot about and they filled the top table up with their friends. Wasn't even reserved a seat at the table. It was mentioned quite a few times by other people at the do who thought it was odd because yes.... it did look odd being the only daughter. Guess who was blamed for making them look bad when we got home and of course it would have looked worse if I told one of their many transient friends they would have to move off the top table so I could sit.

[@stonemanson4884]

Most thankful to just have understanding now. I knew one thing is I would never change them the more you go one way the more the go the other. Like same poles of a magnet can not connect

[@tandydandy8239]

If you ever want to know who you are really dealing with, let the person get the upper hand. Narcissists usually can't resist exploiting this advantage. If they show no mercy, they have no mercy.

[@jenniferwest4043]

Thank you thank you thank you Jay!! After being married to the narcissist for 20 years and having 3 children together I finally had enough and divorced him. I have since found the love of my life and I'm still overwhelmed every day at what love really is supposed to be. (There is hope everyone!) I found you when I was looking for a way to help my children be able to deal with their father. Just last night as the narcissist was dropping off my 10 year old he began screaming at my new husband and sent my daughter into a anxiety attack. She told me she was afraid of 2 things number one that he would hurt me and my new husband and number 2 that he would do something stupid that would land him in jail. It breaks my heart that she has to worry about such things at 10 yrs old. Her and I had a conversation about whether or not to tell him how he made her feel after the fact. I believe God put this video in my notifications this morning as it applied directly to what happened yesterday. Your work matters Jay thank you so much!!! Jen from Iowa

[@dotsyjmaher]

It is funny that we think "humans"are all actually human....thank you Dr.Reid...you are saving a lot of lives.

[@KeepQuestioning243]

yes yes I was once "too sensitive" and now I am "too needy" ... except now I am seeing that neither is true!

[@spindrifter7519]

The Narc smirk. A real giveaway. I swear if I ever get that again I will wipe it off their face.

[@gypsyknight6076]

You GO!

[@ee_li]

Thank you

[@catjones2684]

This was so good. Thanks Dr Reid. I love your videos and content so much!!

[@sage9836]

Have you ever said "You're too sensitive" to someone when you accidentally touched upon a psychological hurt spot? I bet not! I bet you said "I'm sorry. I totally didn't mean to hurt you." And the next word out of your mouth wasn't "But."

[@sylviasmith5045]

Exactly, a decent person first go to is to apologise and I really didn't mean to hurt you (the End) no but, you made me say it, no you're too sensitive, no I know you better than you know yourself, no (think of something that happened 20 yrs ago) no nothing...etc

[@IamAnson777]

Best and most insightful comment I've read so far on many of these types of vlogs... Your comment should be PINNED at the TOP

[@musicandpoetry_8]

They say something so nasty or mock you and then are like you’re so sensitive, it’s like you just insulted me and made the nastiest remark towards me..wtf am I supposed to do? Plus I barely even have a reaction

[@sage9836]

@@musicandpoetry_8 They get extra mad at a calm center. Best with your music and poetry. The world needs sensitive souls. I bet Rumi and Wordsworth were sensitive, and their words reach many hearts. My Dad was a poet. He was wonderful.

[@stonemanson4884]

Yes thank you. I definitely knew I was the scape goat and suffered from abuse. Never knew what was wrong but I knew what the truth is what they avoided. It was a characteristic I found in many families to hide imperfection

[@l.ameenaa4669]

My ex n.used to say that I criticised others but I was sensitive to being criticised. / criticism. I was speechless and confused.

[@adrianaalvaradorodriguez6454]

They never like their "own clothing" and put it onto you.

[@aking3624]

If we are not blindly fawning & praising them..we are deemed critical!!

[@goldieh7121]

Great video! What about the narcissist turning it on us about us always hurting their feelings? Any feedback back for my parents is seen as questioning their intentions. Their manipulation is so full of dog whistles that when questioning what they say, they act like they have to walk in eggshells around me. But, my mom's feelings are so easily hurt by just a disagreement or me questioning an attempt to manipulate me.

[@catb445]

Thank you so much for all you do. I have found these videos so helpful on my recovery process after so many years. I have been able to address the abuse and traumas that I experienced as a child. I tried often as a child to get the help that I needed but wasn’t heard. So I think I minimized what I experienced. After leaving abusive partner, I had to go back and address these early childhood experiences in order to move forward. I had ‘blocked out’ or ‘forgotten’ much of what had happened but I think being able to acknowledge and validate my experiences of abuse and trauma have helped me heal in a way that I could not before because no one had validated what had happened to me. I really appreciate your genuine empathy and understanding towards victims of abuse. It’s very refreshing after years of being blamed and shamed or just plain invalidated as a child and as an adult. To break the cycle of abuse, people have to be heard and believed! Many blessings 💜🙏

[@aking3624]

What can be worse is when you have a therapist that agrees with what your family did or is doing. Having a counselor trained in trauma therapy & these videos was the only way i started to really find acceptance, validation & peace of mind. Good luck❤😀

[@catb445]

@@aking3624 exactly, its so true! I never really acknowledged until recently how much this impeded my healing. I blamed myself and internalized a lot of the negative things that were said and done to me. There is def a lack of understanding and training in therapeutic community that many therapists acknowledge. The ones that really want to help their patients, get the education and training needed and are able to really help them heal. I am glad that there is more help and hope for all of us on recovery journey, we all deserve that acceptance validation and peace of mind!

[@quinnfable2694]

Well "Tiffany" is not alone. Seems like a lot of parents these days act out this way.

[@selfesteem3447]

Thank You Doc Jay🙌👏

[@izawaniek2568]

Thank you for your observations. I especially liked the remark that it is helpful to change our mindset when somebody calls us too sensitive. Instead of feeling shame for being not enough it is a good idea to get curious and treat that remark as an indicator that somebody is not willing or able to meet us at our place and regard that person as unsafe for us.

[@aking3624]

Tiffany: smirking.. Gee dad, must be difficult being so sensitive & triggered when a child doesn't react immediately when you attack them?" 😏

[@Deprogrammer470]

I've been told anonymously that the treatment gets worse every time I develop any kind of resistance to it, or ability to ignore. They go from pretending to be "toughening" you to being outraged when their taunts or assaults don't seem to hurt you. As if they are trying to get more bang for their buck. I swear, abuse is "sex" to these creatures. It's why we get sick to our stomachs around them, our soul knows this. Your body will begin to reject them like a foreign object, and they will accuse you of doing that on purpose. Speaking from personal experience.

[@izawaniek2568]

Go where you are wanted and where things work. Thank you for that message, it is really helpful.

[@jilross4892]

I recently criticized a Narcissist of being hyper sensitive. And I mentioned a very abusive event towards me 25 years ago that broke my confidence in people, where the Narcissist was involved and did not protect me. And she answered with silence for many days now.

[@adrianaalvaradorodriguez6454]

She got offended or perhaps only pretending. Probably she's having such delight from the pain she caused you and traumatized you so long ago that she had forgotten until you reminded her. Take advantage of such silence and make it last for always.

[@jilross4892]

@@adrianaalvaradorodriguez6454 yes she is offended and acts like the victim, whining about me saying that she was not a good parent.

[@Quazgaa]

every time i pushed back against my mother's psychotic abusive behavior she would cry bloody murder that i was the psycho who was victimizing her because i was too hypersensitive. i would never just go along with the abuse, so i had to be painted as the villain. she would always mock me as being a delicate hypersensitive flower, and cry about how she was forced to suffer because she always had to "walk on eggshells". i would be further mocked as the prince or the king who was always innocent and could do no wrong. these sorts of people are insidious to the core.

[@ms.x1669]

I feel like it made me sensitive though. Someone will say something I don't like and it will stay with me for years.

[@viacarrozza]

I think that happens because scapegoats develop a malleable ego that tries to adapt to the constant sabotage. The family scapegoat is always trying to find a way to act, to be, to think, that will make the abuse stop. Scapegoats often ask the wrong question: ‘What am I doing to make them treat me this way?’ instead of asking, ‘How can I eventually get away from and heal from people who would treat me this way?’ Your sensitivity might be a kind of constant vigilance due to this conditioned abuse dynamic.

[@adrianaalvaradorodriguez6454]

The people pleasing syndrom.

[@makaylahollywood3677]

My entire life. Yes, I am an HSP, emotional, creative and black sheep for seeing truthfully instead of hiding it all under the rug. Showing anger was seen as a lack of self control, as seen as mean. So, we learned to stuff our feelings. This is where the art of control and manipulation started. Family controlled others, or as in my case developed an eating disorder. I remember at about age ten playing cards with a friend- my father walked past, angrily said, "you're making that game up"; as if cheating at card table in Los Vegas. It probably was make-believe, we were ten years old. My father set the bar for everyone else on how to behave. Half of my siblings behave like father; the other 5 like mother. So very interesting as we all grew up in the same house.

[@adrianaalvaradorodriguez6454]

Yes very one-sided rules. But have you noticed that as codependents we also try to manipulate so as not to get hurt?

[@Brittany25-j6f]

Tiffany was about 1000% more mature thn her father! I hope she has gotten 1000 miles away from him both physically and emotionally.

[@sage9836]

Conversation: "Would you quit criticizing me?" "You're too sensitive."

[@brightpage1020]

I feel like that just means I’m too sensitive *for that partner in this moment*, a moment he’d rather discount my feelings or invalidate them. Usually means I hit on a hot spot which might pain him to consider. So he has to throw me off and blame me for any issue there as a distraction tactic. Right? If I don’t take it personal as an attack on my character, as it’s intended, I can say something like, “Oh? Am I too sensitive for you, right now? Is this a hard topic for you to discuss just now?” Sometimes pretending I’m confused and asking for clarification or “Oh, are my feelings getting in the way of your insensitivity, Darling?” If you feel snarky… But just kind of make the point that I don’t need that person’s validation for my feelings. My observations about those are valid in themselves, without anybody else’s authority negating them. I watched some videos by a pro business communications guy about how to communicate clearly and respectfully with difficult people. I added the sarcastic snark because at a certain point, you hear “too sensitive” enough that it becomes clear it’s just a script for that person to use, a go-to defense. And I get sick of it. I know a lady whose husband would come home and if she was in the potty while the kids were playing in the house, he’d ask them, “Where is your mother?” With a tone of insinuation that the fact she had to pee meant she was a neglectful mom (they were usually generally safe, in a pack and play, crib, or old enough not to get into too much trouble in a few minutes. Finally, this gal responded, “Oh, are you saying that I’m a bad mom because I went to the bathroom?” And he cut that line out really fast. She said he speed walked away from that conversation so fast she thought he was in a race.

[@jenaya_laila2442]

My mom used to scream at me when I started asking her to treat me differently in my twens..she'd always scream at me....and she used to say to me that I had to learn to take her as she is, basically respect her...so it was actually me who had the Problem...my dad was the same...I had unrealistic expectations and who am I to have any anyways...in hos eyes I had the best mother and childhood anyway...things are the same today...nothing has changed in 30 years

[@jwhite5396]

Jay, thank you, thank you, thank you!

[@kimberlymccracken747]

My Mother was the one continually claiming I was overly dramatic and too sensitive. My Father mocked me for crying. Sometimes even into adulthood I would spontaneously cry when in his presence. I'm unsure why. He even threatened to kill all of us when I was nine years old. I broke away and got help. By the time I returned he had collapsed and, luckily didn't go through with it. Although, in some ways it might have been more merciful for everyone.

[@adrianaalvaradorodriguez6454]

They train you to suffer because it pleases them, they have fun and relax in the face of your pain. Sadistic and cruel. Then they tell you they love you, yes they love you to suffer, to cry, to be confused, to be hungry, to be ill, to be alone, to be humilliated, to be almost death...

[@adrianaalvaradorodriguez6454]

They will accuse you of anything and everything. Too sensitive, inadequate, selfish, weak, stupid, ugly, they will critizice all of what you are and/or do, they will even mock at you because of your gender. No matter what you do or stop doing even at their request, nop, you will never get it right, they say.

[@kimberlymccracken747]

@@adrianaalvaradorodriguez6454 yes

[@HeartFeltGesture]

They say these phrases "you're too sensitive, cant you take a joke etc" to down-play the abuse and invalidate your appropriate responses. Then there is the glaringly obvious hypocrisy of knowing they couldn't take an ounce of what they are dishing out to you on a daily basis. These manipulative pigs are profoundly sinister. I find it very triggering to hear a therapist, who doesn't understand the distinction, (either because of a lack of education on the subject, or possibly out of denial of how calculatedly loveless their parent(s) actually is/are, or they came from the Family Projection System), suggest the abuse is mostly unconscious. It is ONLY unconscious abuse in the Family Projection System type of scapegoating, it is NOT unconscious in the case of covert narcissistic abuse. The covert narcissist has chosen to regulate their own self-hatred by crushing the spirit of one of their own children, which they dehumanize, see as an extension of themselves, as something they own and can do with what they like. "You wouldn't even exist if it wasn't for me, you owe me your life."

[@SusanaXpeace2u]

I just listened to this three times. It triggers my mother, the request that I be heard, or seen triggers her. My request that she/they (the family, led by her say-so) stop casually labelling me paranoid and sensitive ENRAGED her and it is as Jay says. She presents herself as a kind person and certainly identifies with being kind and selfless. So any request that she show me her daughter a bit of that alleged kindness is met with such unbelievable rage and martyrdom. She is the victim of the hurt she caused me. She / they (my family does what mum instructs) give me the silent treatment if Mum is upset with me. After two years of trying to be heard, I haven't reached out to them all year. It's not progress, but it protects me. They wanted to control me with silent treatments but I have realised, I can cope with this more easily than I can cope with trying and failing to be heard.

[@monicathrasher3561]

I brought up to my mother how she put my brother’s crib in my room for me to get up with him in the middle of the night. I was 16. Her infant was my responsibility. She didn’t care that I had school, etc. .She didn’t take responsibility for, apologize or validate my feelings. She simply replied, “you’re too sensitive. “

[@fsarecovery]

Great work, if I could of only got vulnerable enough to ask for help 30 years ago my body would not b in so much pain as it is today , it’s threw this pain and learning with the education out there that I had massive awakening, it sounds so simple to ask for help but wen your fight or flight system kicks in every time u feel massive rejection or dismissal or disapproval from heigherracie doctor s anybody u see as authoritative and u really don’t no y especially as the scapegoat in family of six and everybody else is not the problem if even a pillar in the parents eye , u hav no choice but to start to self blame and become the shame itself , which sadly folks is the complete opposite of love , thank 🙏

[@carlorizzo827]

WHOA Right on👍Living in defiance feels so dangerous pathologically, as if "The stalkers are outside". Knowing it's irrational doesn't reduce the intensity.

[@dark7angel456]

I was called Too Sensitive when i didnt like a narcissist on social media by cult like people that exploit my vulnerabilities and laugh it off. I have many times i would be in Agony and neglected by everyone it seemed.. always lonely and deprived and picked on. No empathy given. Still hurts, i still feel lonely and unfullfilled. Hundreds of people would reject me because of not fitting into their Cult like minds. Left me feeling depressed for years. They scare me and never see my point of view. Never had a relationship yet because of how people are: energy vampires. I always enjoy these videos.

[@williamdemarrais8318]

I have been abused by Narcissistic people all of my life. I have victimized by my parents, siblings, school mates, and many, many more! I did not know anything about Narcs until a few months ago. Even my wife is a Narc!. I been abused so many times that became mentally ill. I have a Schizophrenic (so called but but never believed it) which is just a name to me. I know my diagnosis is just BS.

[@adrianaalvaradorodriguez6454]

It also has happened to me and even my 'close ones' seem not to believe me. When one notices this horror and begins to change and walk away from abusers, it's very soothing to realize how joyful is to be alone.

[@joyhope9486]

again, thank you so much for your service to humanity. You are a bright light in the darkness. May you reap all that you are sowing and more. May you have a bountiful harvest. May all be well with you. Keep shining your transforming light into the darkened broken hearts of the world. Peace and Love.

[@francesbernard2445]

Far more often it is just way better for everyone concerned to be putting lots of distance between ourselves and any narcissistic person. Doing so in not a failing at all no matter how close of a family relationship it is.

[@dnk4559]

Thank you for this reminder!

[@maeveduff8932]

Wow thank you so much for this video, it's been a huge breakthrough listening to the story, resonates 100% with what I've experienced with my parents and makes me realise me being vulnerable with my parents wasn't me being a bad person, like the person in the story with her father. I've been thinking maybe I'm bad for disagreeing with their way of relating to me, but I feel like I had exhausted every option and gave them open opportunity to see me for me but they just can't do it. I even said once that nobody is perfect I love you dad and thank you for being present with me lately and instead of meet me with that same love he shouted at me "and you think you're so f perfect!" and went on a tirade of blame towards me. The household issues were the same as in the story dad would go into a rage especially when he was drunk about stuff around the house, one time he threw away all my childhood books in the bin which I loved without warning because I didn't tidy them in the way he had expected me to, I didn't have a chance to get them back and I can never forgive him for doing that. Mum says to me I'm being too sensitive, it must be my period and that I sound pathetic or wimpish for having boundaries. She said my brother was "wicked" for wanting their support as grandparents and that she should dye her hair gray so my sister would see her as old and unable to help with the grandchildren and she actually let her hair go gray after that. After I stopped being the scapegoat it was my Dad she turned her hatred to and then my baby niece, that's what broke the spell for me, she could reject me and abuse me but not my niece, no way! So many layers of messed up! When the name calling didn't work Mum would threaten suicide. Social services tried to take my brother away due to Mums physical abuse, they gave her a second chance and she did the same to me 16 years later. It was psychologically damaging for me, I ended up fleeing in 2020 and living in a domestic violence shelter for 8 months during the pandemic. I'm starting to heal. I no longer have hope for the love that wasn't there but I am starting to build hope for my future away from the dysfunctional family dynamic.

[@Lucy-jz7sg]

My NM has always called me “too sensitive” if I object to an insult. The irony is I’m thick skinned having dealt with her my life. She’s hypersensitive, a direct question will set her off. I asked about a tracker she put on my car, she deflected then went in an incredible sulk. I’ve turned that in no contact. Her sulks can last for years to avoid a question.

[@jenniferstanley2282]

Dang. Had I said to my dad anything like what Tiffany said, he would have knocked me clear across the room. Then he would have mocked me for being sensitive. “There. Now you have something to cry about.”

[@builderofcastles]

You forgot the smirk! The narcissist father good enjoyment for finding he had such control over his daughter's emotions. Most narcissists find it enjoyable to cause others to suffer. And speaking of the father's reasons why, like they were something the father could change, was a bad way to explain it. The empathy is gone; there is nothing there to redeem. Speaking from a person's point of view that will try to heal, is not helpful. The narcissist doesn't even know their true self, the one they must protect by diverting all blame/shame to others.

[@adrianaalvaradorodriguez6454]

Yes you're right, there's nothing there to redeem but, really, they envy even the hole in one's shoe. It's not that they want or need to fix anything, that's for sure, however they get triggered by all that they lack. Like "Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's the fairest of them all?" If you fail to reflect that fake self be sure to be giving them the narc injury of the moment. We all know how it ends.

[@tessellatiaartilery8197]

Absolutely spot on. Great video. Thank you.

[@elizabethseiden9938]

I remember at eleven, I was the housekeeper. My dad made me do the dishes and vacuum our five bedroom house. Especially when my grandparents came over, he demanded that I clean quickly. Sometimes, I’d protest but I couldn’t win.

[@leeboriack8054]

Yes you are sensitive, that’s why the narcissist chose you, in order to get his “supply” and manipulate - control you through your sensitivity. “Your what I was looking for and I’m going to hate you for it.”

[@ThankYouYoureWelcome]

Just the title of the video alone is validating. My dad would tell me how sensitive I was for not taking a joke at my expense. My step mom (was was had taken the place of my birth mom who abandoned me) wasn’t any help and would always back him up “you know he’s just joking” . - I always felt like a slave to my dad. Do what he said when he said it or else there was physical and mental punishment.

[@ingenuity168]

I point out to them incidences when THEY were sensitive.

[@peaceofmindofpeace1650]

Yes it's not being sensitive and also not lacking humor. It's expressing what we don't like because we feel hurt. Being around healthy respectful people won't give us constant jabs... Narcissists will never allow us to be who we are so we will always feel not our full selves or even a negative blanket, constant criticism in the air aiming for our psyche.

[@christorres4248]

Amazing content, the info and recovery approach inside of your video library is life changing for me. Thank you.

[@lisaperez8276]

Brilliant and so helpful as usual. Thanks a million✨✨🧿

[@flamingrobin5957]

i heard that my whole life. what it basically means is. i dont have any empathy so your feelings make no sense and dont matter to me.

[@ryanholton9109]

She spent months upset when her best friends black balled her but my concerns meant nothing because I was too sensitive.... now I'm happier since I ditched her.

[@brightpage1020]

This title is for me now. Thank you.

[@sheilamurry9875]

Being around these types of people, obviously there were too many, I let alot of their jabs roll off back, so at a certain moment,I would do a double take and say "What?" either to them or to myself and I felt at first,maybe they don't feel good or maybe a bad day. Little did I know,I was in the beginnings of unending battles. To this day,I suffer from it and I'm going forward with accepting people have free-will and so do I

[@juliebrown7268]

Thank you!

[@boldnessblooming2845]

Fabulous video! Thank you, Jay!

[@jhavajoe3792]

"You're too sensitive!" --simply a way of flipping the script to say "You're wimpy and weak," and again absolving them from listening, accepting responsibility and seeing their crude, inconsiderate, disrespectful cave man/woman attributes.

[@sandramurray5879]

This was a very helpful and insightful video. Thank you.

[@user-zy8gk2nn7d]

excellent content- Thank You Jay

[@ninax23]

Such a help video -- just what I needed today, thank you!!

[@johnjohnstone9805]

At Least I'm Starting To Suspect It As Invalidation But Am Still Under The Spell Too Much To Challenge It. It Still Feels Too "Familiar" Normal Appropriate. But I'm Happy To Be On The Detective Path. I Used To Be Suspicious Without Anything Concrete To Work With. Floating Suspicion. Being Labelled Sensitive Impacted My Self-Esteem Which Effectively Blinded Me. I Drew Big Smirks If I Said I'm Hurt, I Don't Like Big Smirks So I Stopped Giving Feedback. Case Closed?

[@BradleysMommy22]

Very helpful! Thank you so much for your work!

[@laurenbradynutrition]

I relate to this so much.

[@davidehrlich4138]

Do they have to be narcissistic or can they just be unable to admit when they’re wrong in other words lacking self awareness or immaturity

[@GuitarMatt]

Good question, but at the end of the day, it doesn't matter. You don't want to be around people who make you feel bad on purpose

[@CurtisMoe]

Great video Jay. You are a great resource in my recovery journey.

[@jreid-heal-narcissistic-abuse]

Glad to hear it!

[@gratefultobehere]

Very helpful content thank you

[@freya7pc]

Narcissists are hyper-sensitive.

[@rascallyrabbit]

Or, we need to tell them, yes, we are too sensitive and we like it. We need to address them by confirming ourselves. Sometimes, the other person will actually apologize. They will continue to be gruffl but they will listen to a rebuttal in a rational way. They accept others but are not going to be that overtly sensitive. Sometimes overly sensitive people need to grow up too and get thicker skin.

[@adrianaalvaradorodriguez6454]

Yes. You are right.

[@AAMUteacher04]

I literally had to tell my older sister to STFU and stop saying this shit to me. She got mad and said she didn't want to be at our parent's house and left. My mom cut her eyes at me nastily and I didn't give two Fcks either. I told my mom I had every right to defend myself and that nobody had the right to tell me how I felt. That is a form of bullying and gaslighting. I'm to a point where I am not taking anyone's BS.

[@CanadianBear47]

Tfw I was told i am an hsp honestly not sure tho that guy was abusive. I didnt know what I didn t know

[@CanadianBear47]

i have a question about this and family systems. so my brother was arrested for having sex with a 15 yr. under family mobbing he admitted to it. i do horrible shit on the internet tho not in irl. i call him a sexual predator and i wonder if thats on me. i find sometimes i protect him and yet somehow they including him and mom and dad find a reason to make cutting comments and being thrown under bus. i am wondering how i can stop calling him a sexual predator if thats on me and how to not be hurt when protecting him and then like 10 min later or then and there are devalued. in some way he is no longer the scapegoat even tho being a sexual predator and me having an issue with him still working with high schoolers is off and bad for being still concerned. he used the family friend mentality to be a sexual predator. for me i feel very conflicted on one hand i dont hate him anymore and on other hand i wonder how they can feel superior when thats a aspect of them? enabling sexual predators.