Why Avoidant Ex Always Come Back After Breakup (personal story)

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[@kaachsports]

I've recently split with my avoidant ex. Now while I do watch these videos to soothe my ego and self-regulate, I would never get back with him. Choosing to be with an avoidant is choosing a life of eternal pain. Please focus your energy on moving on and learn to live a beautiful life without them.

[@bill3469]

I became addict to those videos for same things. Ego and self estime. I feel that i am improving. Avoidant have a real sad life. Lot of fear

[@michaelpatrickmilligan]

I love these videos. Perhaps ask him to add videos on getting over it.

[@tinacanavan7477]

Totally agree

[@YOGAshmi]

well said!!!!

[@mswr3351]

True.. relationships are very delicate at first place.. and with avoidants it’s super delicate.. we have to be always aware 24*7 acting perfect.. so much energy.. we can’t do it too long..

[@yw6kz]

Why are we expected to constantly worry about their feelings and emotions when they are so terrible to us???

[@BirdieHaze2207]

How are they learning to be their best for us too?

[@fredamccabe5777]

Actually, they are not worth waiting for.

[@MIMIDSH]

I had an anxious attachment due to my going through a tragic time in my life. After about a year, he said he didn't want any type of commitment or obligation and asked me to stop. So I did- I bowed out gracefully and respectfully, with no fuss. I didn't contact him for 3 months, until we saw each other at a social event. It took me another 3 months to invite him to see me. Since then, I've kept my emotions dialed down and now he's the one pursuing me. Previously, I wasn't giving him the space he needed to feel safe and in control. I've changed.

[@dlgacct]

Thank you for sharing your experience, I am also an anxious attachment style. I have also learned that the breakup is for me to grow as a more toward secure attachment style. I think it is only meaningful until I have changed to be secure, otherwise if i continue to chase him, then he will run further away.

[@JETTSTACHI]

If they NEED to avoid you, you're NOT their person. Move on.

[@shannonbarrs24]

Exactly.

[@sabrinaszabo9355]

Super mean, you don’t know every scenario, this may be true for you, again, you don’t know every scenario, and cannot apply your limited perspective to the whole of society lol Nobody may have told you, but I’m going to let you in on a little secret, the universe does not revolve around just you when applied to the rest of society. However, in your world, this could be true.

[@JETTSTACHI]

@@sabrinaszabo9355 Do what you want, but don't say you haven't been warned. You may want to gain some perspective. Melanie Hamlett videos may help with that. Naivety will cause a lifetime of anguish and pain.

[@Genci-sj5qt]

​@@JETTSTACHI she is just salty and can't accept that simple fact that you just laid down.

[@rosylove389]

True!

[@richmckeemusic]

Therapy is the only way guys. You aren’t gonna change anything without being on the same page

[@bobstoner8152]

therapy is bullshit, get a psychologist.

[@christinefury1040]

If people behave badly they do it because it still works for them. If it didn’t work for them, then they wouldn’t do it. They have the control. I told my BPD AVoidant off! I really let him have it. Saying mean things to him is not the person I want to be but he needs to be accountable for behaving like such a jerk. These people bring out the worst in me. They are so rude and disrespectful and I won’t put up with it!

[@sheriwl]

All true. Way to go

[@sadiqua7]

My ex is an FA, my needs were better and more meaningful communication and more couple time. After 7 months that was apparently too much. 7 months dating, 2 years of him pursuing me off and on. Interesting people these. If he’d reach out at this point I feel the only way to make it work is his working on making us a priority. Running from difficult conversations is a turn off and frankly immature AF.

[@DeeDREAM518]

They tend to tap out around 7-8 months mark. when they realized their lack of is starting to talley up. So the discard stage starts and at this point they have already started to look for another person cause they can never be alone but never want to be there for any one.

[@GSXR750wx]

Excellent video ❤ Most avoidants have childhood abandonment wounds. With almost 50% marriages ending in divorce, the future doesn't look very bright. Absent fathers make avoidant daughters. A father is a woman's first love. When the first man in her life abandons a little girl, she loses the ability to trust anyone, and there can be no love without trust.

[@Weismant81]

As the product of a completely absent father, Let’s calm down with our assumptions……. I am very much anxious and the discarding of my avoidant bf brought back those abandonment issues (which I legitimately never realized I had). My bf briefly talked about not being adequately loved as a child and makes so much sense that this is where the avoidant attachment stems from.

[@joesottilare609]

Your right it needs to be 50/50..but 99% of DAs...dont do anything to heal or help make things better..

[@anothercat9600]

Romantic relationship is not so important to them. Being single is ok for them, as I understand. Friends and parents are their main thing.

[@ronaldclaude1892]

Most of the time, they don’t know that they are a DA.

[@caleholland]

Not true. The avoidants I’m close with are all working on it

[@frederickwee]

Too much emotional work for someone who is emotionally inept. In summary, avoidants wants companionship and if not self-aware, they push people away. Not worth it. It's ironic, it's like saying I am hungry but I don't want to eat because chewing is too tedious.

[@gladysooko6011]

thank you so much for this information.. you have brought peace to us . God bless you

[@siyafaith5615]

Well, i asked him to talk to me, he refused and he told me he is unfair to me because he cant meet my needs and that i must find another man who will see mt needs as important. There! I know i must move on, been with him for 5 years, Now on No contact and thinking of dating again

[@brunom.fernandes6682]

Why do most of the video titles say that avoiders always come back, and the responses we see in the comments are not exactly like that? I think there is a market to take advantage of for those desperate for reconciliation.

[@BlueBlue23]

I think people whose partners came back they are too busy being happy and that's why they don't take the time to post about their ex coming back...

[@thebirima91]

Always something to keep in the back of your mind. Also always look what they have to sell.

[@showboat92]

This is great insight!!!!!

[@mbaiton4509]

I had never heard of anxious and avoidant attachment. I ended things because the relationship gave me anxiety once I started to develop feelings. It feels so much better now. I miss him but it wasn't worth it, my needs weren't being met.

[@h7pubg]

why do people always say this, “needs not being met” like what “needs” are you even talking about and why were they serious enough to end the relationship and not work through/on it?

[@jais5807]

​@@h7pubgit's a copout by broken people.

[@brennam954]

If you aren't healing to make yourself more secure, please stay the F away from people who want a relationship with you. It is not fair to them at all.

[@mbaiton4509]

@@h7pubg I just had a really great connection with a really great guy, at the wrong time. We were both at different stages in our lives is all. I have more time and he didn't. I agree, saying, "needs not being met" sounds needy. A better way would be to say, our current values and priorities didn't align. He wasn't a bad person, we just weren't a good match. Right person, wrong time.

[@creatureofstyle]

​​​@@mbaiton4509I had the same exact experience and I agree with what you said, but I did have a NEED for clear communication and I 100% couldn't get that from him so I broke it off too. He was only wanting to see me 1 day a week, he kept pushing me away but cleary still wanted me. I told him several times I needed him to be direct with me so that I knew what was going on and knew we were on the same page but he just couldn't/wouldn't do that. I need a team mate, not an ambiguous creature who comes and goes at random intervals without explanation. How do you build a life with a person like that?

[@rainfog1]

this is just a big no no for me. if someone avoided me, then i avoid them. they can disappear from my life for all i care. there is no point going back. if you want to move forward, you face forward. you don't look back.

[@FreddyFredo-ne9to]

Love the way you say this 😊

[@barbaravaccaro8885]

My avoidant ex broke with me ( by ghosting me for 3 months… a very painful thing to do to someone who loves you) and it had zero to do with me demanding anything. He was in the middle of a financial hit taken in his divorce, and he just wanted to feel he could come to the table as an equal., We had much in common and were very compatible, but it just wasn’t the right time. He called me , occasionally, for 8 years, always taking stock of whether I had moved on or was just maybe waiting for him. I could tell he hurt for a long time. But I finally married someone else.. and then the calls stopped . But I really never stopped loving him❤

[@Weismant81]

I hope the man you ended up with treats you better. I’m in a huge tossup , but I know if my avoidant bf eventually comes back…… I can’t pursue anything on Love or potential!

[@boxcg1176]

It seems most DAs consider any sort of emotional/intimacy need from their partners as "needy" or "clingy".

[@Alice30254]

I moved away after the breakup and now he constantly writes to me but doesn't say anything meaningful. When I first left he said he felt his world crashing down on him But seems he's fine now 😒

[@user-nz8vd7es7k]

You LITERALLY say the same things my avoidant now x husband said! I’m doing the work I don’t know that he is I don’t know that he can with the 3rd party he took up with her child and his work schedule perhaps he is learning other things to help him heal…? 25 years we were together and with all that’s been said and done I know we belong together and I would still like to be! Do you think there is hope for marriages of anxious and avoidants of the work is done, time apart is made and the love / connection still exists?

[@chrisdowning7543]

Can I please have your advice. I was dumped my a DA she is 49, I’m 44. She booked to go to Dublin in January next year. Initially in August when she dumped me. She has reached out 2 times now in no contact to see how I m and to ask I’m I still up for coming away with her and her 2 kids. Iv invited her round for Sunday lunch. She said ok good idea. Il let you know when I’m free on Sunday. This was over 2 weeks ago. So one minute she is reaching out and letting me know things in her life, then the next she’s not messaging. She did initially message with no kiss x now she ends messages with a x. I’m confused as I’m a ancxus attachment style?

[@cobragirl15]

I only hope that as I work hard on my anxious attachment, that my avoidant will realize his mistake. I'm heartbroken

[@ke1tor]

Yeah, mine came back after one and a half year. We came upon a this miniscule bump after 5 months, and then _poof_ gone again SMH... Another round of NC. Unsure if I really want this circus back again.

[@AlexisFriedlander]

I know it's really difficult to be with avoidants, especially if they don't want to work on themselves.

[@solaimanwahab5286]

with avoidancts just basically gotta be super chill and laid back.. let them do all the pursueing.. if you cant handle that then avoid them

[@marguskiis7711]

True

[@jacopofbargellini4005]

unhealty relation

[@l0uann3]

Agree

[@RickySpanish12344]

What kind of time table is there? I was close to an avoidant (friends turning into something more), and she went cold and ghosted me. What was really frustrating to me about this was she had assured me that if I ever did anything wrong, she'd tell me, and she didn't. She just cut off communication. I was pretty hurt by it and unfriended her on FB. Kind of wish I hadn't now. That was like 7 months ago. Pretty sure she will never reach out, but I've made the decisions after unfriending her I wouldn't reach out to her again because she ended it, and I won't chase her.

[@ksref]

Had one return a little under a year. Seemed to have had a moment of clarity. Went well for 6 weeks. Then, same old shit... pulling away, failure to reply, shutting down etc. Months more of glimpses of light only to go nowhere. It's better to not go through that

[@RickySpanish12344]

@@ksref Damn, that sucks. Yeah from what I've heard they are only worth being with if they know they have a problem, and they want to work through it. If they don't realize they have issues, no point.

[@AlexisFriedlander]

The 6 months mark is more about self preservation. You don't want to put your life on hold for too long. Yes there are cases when they come back years after. But is it worth staying stuck for that long? And it is unlikely to happen

[@RickySpanish12344]

@@AlexisFriedlander I'm not waiting around, thanks. Just curious.

[@RickySpanish12344]

@@biancadelarosa7986 Thanks.

[@robertadcox8419]

I look forward to your videos on dismissivive avoidants. Alexis why is having a conflict so hard for a dismissive avoidant. I have read a lot about the subject matter of a conflict but there does not seem to be a cohesive and defined narrative for why a DA struggles with conflict. The explanations are all over the place. Does it make you physically sick? I have never experienced anything like the first major conflict with my DA where she physically got in her vehicle and left. The argument was over time being spent on something. It was nothing. I was unable to understand the reaction and honestly to this day I still don't get her reaction. Your a self admitted DA who has taken steps to change your attachment style. As a secure type the conflict part still remains a mystery to me but to have any type of relationship with anyone much less a significant other differing points of view are going to happen. Surely you had arguments with your parents growing up.

[@alexanderreul3597]

Mate, if I could in some way, I'd really like to have a chat with you. The behaviour you describe caused by a minor, silly conflict reads so familiar... My ex brought a silly joke about me in quite strong language the other Saturday evening as we had a glass of wine too much. I told her in a respectful and calm way that I didn't like her talking that way - she stared at me for a minute as like she was a rebooting robot, got to the kitchen without a word, left and was gone for three days. But came back without any explanation or apologies.

[@sonofhibbs4425]

Conflict is so difficult because they don’t have a way of processing it in a mature way that keeps both themselves and the relationship safe. They feel the pain…remember that’s what they’re avoidant about. I’d say it’s different for each case stemming from the type of trauma/pain they went through before. If they were raised in a family where they were not allowed to have a voice, or worse- were spanked, hit, punched, kicked, ..poisoned etc for stating their feelings, even if in a matter-of-fact way, OR they witnessed such happening to a parent when conflict arose, ….realize they have NO roadmap, no good safe map on how to discuss and move through it in a mature healthy manner. So they just freeze in confusion, retreat to regroup, if they even go that far. It simply wasn’t modeled for them. The fear is- I speak up there will be pain. Somehow, pain, just pain. Conflict = annihilation. Conflict= “I’m done with you”. Conflict isn’t something to solve, it’s something that’s only felt. It’s overwhelm. It’s fear. It’s not knowing what comes next or how to handle it. It’s also tremendous shame because one can see other work through conflict, but you just can’t for some unknown reason to you. Depending on their age, there’s an immature factor to it that makes it even more difficult to deal with. Sure they had arguments with their parents but you’re assuming these arguments were resolved in a healthy way or were processed internally in a healthy way. You can have a set of parents that don’t seem abusive and the kids lovingly attached, but it doesn’t mean they have heathy arguments with them. Any abuse was probably most likely through conflict. And they don’t know, haven’t directed exactly what was abuse and what wasn’t, vs what way they might have been abusive or not. ‘’The parent is always right’’ kind of thing, even if they are horrifically abusive.

[@NBH0614]

@@alexanderreul3597 maybe we can also talk cause im in the same boat with my boyfriend. i think im gonna go crazy

[@alexanderreul3597]

@@NBH0614 If the situation seems similar, maybe consider him to be helpless in a way. Most likely those people simply don't know how their behaviour affects others. And quite likely they simply don't know how to deal with conflict or communicate their wishes and needs. So they simply escape. Quite like a child that destroys grandma's pottery and if asked what they were doing they run away , go angry and lock themselves in their room because that's their safe place. You can't do anything about that. Let time pass, give them space and focus on yourself. Quite likely nobody will be able to ever be happy with them.

[@NBH0614]

@@alexanderreul3597 how are you now? Its only been a week for me and I feel crushed

[@TeresaJeanna]

What if they're seeing someone else?

[@Weismant81]

Something that I heard that really resonates with me, is that if they moved onto someone else to avoid their emotions……that someone else is not getting a better version of them.

[@alexv5786]

No they do not

[@Swiss_Girl]

mine did

[@ld921]

But I am a secure person I just found him weird and didn’t understand why he has this strange attachment to his ex I thought he needed healing, now I realize he’s avoidant, cuz I found it strange he doesn’t want to be close with me like a secure person, just weird, cuz it was him pushing to see me more, I don’t a have to see my partner all the time to feel attachment, attachment is is my heart not in my eyes

[@Atanasisa]

Wow, that's such a strong belief and behavior, of course. I wish I could be like that. My husband is AD and I'm on the anxious side. Very difficult. We are on the cycle. He doesn't give the energy and attachment that was wasted on his ex who doesn't care about him now. He broke her heart and mine. Flirt with work colleagues and any random girl who sounds intelligent to him. He doesn't think long-term, loyalty, or being simple. Observe that his mother is extremely avoidant, emotional unavailable person, and cold. There is a lot going on in his life. I had multiple panic attacks because I felt so deceived, do u have any advice?

[@ld921]

@@Atanasisa I realized this guy is a narcissist, be careful, narcissist have disorganized attachment, I was taken in by his facade

[@Jules-740]

What if we only dated 3 times? He ghosted me! I know what i did wrong. He wanted more and I was kind of avoiding him out of fear. Now i regret it😢

[@1224polo]

My DA ex girlfriend after 7 months of dating broke up with me with no reason whatsoever. Her reason was ridicolous and it was just a excuse to leave. I tried to convince her not to do it but i never begged or anything. Finnally i told her if she doesnt want ton be with me she can leave. After 5 weeks of no contact she reached out to me without anything significant. I talk with her like with a buddy. Just few sentences a day. Its just a small talk. She never mentioned anything about us and what happenned. She reached out to me four days in a row. And my question is: what does she want from me???? I am so confused...

[@AlexisFriedlander]

She wants to check it you are around. This is a dangerous place because if you validate this she might feel at ease with th situation

[@1224polo]

@@AlexisFriedlanderi am not validating her at all but i think it's time to pull back and give her silence again. She needs to feel the loss. However two days ago she was reached out twice asking about address of two shopping centres we were always going together (it's very easy to find it on google maps). Then she complained that she has nobody to go for shopping with and asked am i working now. I don't know if she wanted to genuine meet me or just wanted to use me as a taxi because she doesnt have a driving licence. Anyway i will go radio silent again until she will come up with something significant

[@shelita3010]

​@@1224polo Very good idea

[@1224polo]

@@shelita3010 well... After giving her more space she reached out to me and the conversation went on the sexual topic and she said she would call down for sex if i wouldn't be working tomorrow and it was very late in the evening 😱😱. It seems that she wants to meet me badly. Its been 6 weeks after breakup. So now i have a dillema and concerns about how i suppouse to approche it. Cause i know that she is not aware that she is DA and i would like Let her know gently that she has this issue and she needs therapy. I don't know should i do it before or after sex 🤣🤣🤦‍♂️🤦‍♂️🤦‍♂️

[@1224polo]

@@AlexisFriedlander well... After giving her more space she reached out to me and the conversation went on the sexual topic and she said she would call down for sex if i wouldn't be working tomorrow and it was very late in the evening 😱😱. It seems that she wants to meet me badly. Its been 6 weeks after breakup. So now i have a dillema and concerns about how i suppouse to approche it. Cause i know that she is not aware that she is DA and i would like Let her know gently that she has this issue and she needs therapy. I don't know should i do it before

[@johnnycomelately6341]

The avoidant's perception that "normal" relationship dynamics are seen as needy is a problem?? Which can only be changed by counselling??

[@MonochromaticBlues]

lol sometimes people are trying to avoid you for a reason dont be a creep

[@joesottilare609]

Your right it needs to be 50/50..but 99% of DAs...dont do anything to heal or help make things better..

[@bnatalie]

Exactly. However all 4 points from the video are in. But not even a sign from him. 5 months of no contact passed. But so proud of myself I never contacted him after the break up talk.

[@joesottilare609]

Your right it needs to be 50/50..but 99% of DAs...dont do anything to heal or help make things better..

[@joesottilare609]

Your right it needs to be 50/50..but 99% of DAs...dont do anything to heal or help make things better..

[@joesottilare609]

Your right it needs to be 50/50..but 99% of DAs...dont do anything to heal or help make things better..