Why Avoidants Might Sometimes Prefer Limerence

[@samguyindula2983]

Perceived advantage of limerence: Lack of intimacy Control of the narrative And the ability to quit it and come back whenever you feel like it without being blame Basically every avoidant's dream

[@kate_kate_kate]

You summarised it perfectly, I would also add -not having to fear facing rejection

[@futureshocked]

Which is why you need to tell them that their limerence is making a nightmare for others // it's ultimately so manipulative of others and for them it's harmful because they aren't participating fully in life.

[@samguyindula2983]

@@futureshocked in a way it s like telling someone to stop being happy. Consciously he knows that there is something wrong but unless you show him there is another way, it will be difficult for them to let go. Again you subconsciously asking them not to be happy without providing an alternative in their perspective The same as asking an anxious preocupied not to overthink

[@kat.eleftheriou]

Exactly!!

[@kat.eleftheriou]

Yes, that too!

[@Marios_CG]

Yes good insights - it's a lot easier to avoid being exposed/vulnerable by retreating to fantasy and versions of people who live in them when in limerence.

[@davefengler4266]

I was JUST thinking about this yesterday!!!

[@Enjoirekk]

Hi Kat, I only recently came to realize and accept the fearful avoidant pattern I've operated under since I can remember. Your video really helped me to put to words limerence behaviors! Thank you thank you. p.s. is submitting this comment an act of limerence itself? ugh ive got some thinkin to do

[@kat.eleftheriou]

I'm so glad that this gave you some perspective and insight on the FA experience! I can only speak from my own experience and the things I've learned about it, so I'm glad it resonates with you :)

[@amaa4911]

I'm curious about the anxious attachment perspective of limerence, especially since it seems to fit more naturally with an avoidant attachment style. From what I understand, limerence involves intense infatuation and longing, which might be more characteristic of someone with an anxious attachment. However, it's often portrayed as ideal for individuals with an avoidant attachment style. I'd like to understand this dynamic better.

[@nopeboy15]

I have an anxious attachment style that is now been shifting more into secure in the past year. Limerence for an anxious is like really having the need to be close to someone. Physically and mentally needing someone to back them up, otherwise they struggle to find that level of satisfaction in other areas in life. It’s like waiting for a savior, “only if this person would be there for me, I would be able to do this and that, but if there’s no partner to support and cheer for me, then I don’t feel capable of doing it” most anxious people have low self esteem and they believe that if they could have their dream man/woman as they imagine, everything would be alright in their lives. It’s really feels like a life or death situation that switching their anxiety level on and off and they would do anything to be in good terms with the people that they love because it feels like a threat to their mental and physical well being. As the avoidant really needs the space to feel safe, as the anxious get closer to someone the better they feel. If they have no one irl they imagine having that closeness in their head. I hope this helps

[@00108a]

@@nopeboy15how did you heal and how do I get better

[@nopeboy15]

@@00108a There’s no fix recipe for that. Every situation is different. The best thing you can do is go no contact if you know that the person that you’re with is not right for you. Learn to spend more time alone and do things for yourself not just for others. It’s a process, it’s not linear and really not easy and fast

[@kat.eleftheriou]

It can definitely apply to both! I think it's more commonly understood to relate to the anxious attachment style because of the intense preoccupation with the relationship, but what I think is significantly aligned with avoidance is the fact that limerence can only exist with a relationship that can never actually be fulfilled. The star-crossed lovers element is what the limerence is contingent on because it becomes the catalyst for fantasy and rumination. Whereas anxious attachment preoccupation with a relationship can also occur in a healthy, mutual relationship.

[@Devicca]

Dismissive avoidant here. Does attaching oneself to celebrities, events, political ideas and individuals who seem to have certain qualities also amount to limerance? Have been consistently follow new people every couple of months make them the centre of attention for that time then it fades until I find another person. Not so involved in people around one finding them dull. How does one come out of this and get immersed in life become happy with the way it is. Thanks for your insights!

[@kat.eleftheriou]

I can definitely see that being the case! It's someone to attach a fantasy to who you can't actually experience in real life.

[@Devicca]

@@kat.eleftheriou thank you for your reply it is helpful to have some clarity.

[@olegamma]

I’m a disorganised (fearful-avoidant). I cheated on my avoidant ex because of my selfishness. In the relationship I felt confident at the same time hopelessly insecure. She would berate me with negative words when she’s triggered and it just made me feel absolutely nothing. I own to my mistakes and not making any excuses for it I yearn for her and i miss her dearly. She has blocked me everywhere I even sent an email to apologise to her.. Will she ever reach back out to me? Side note I’m aware of my actions and I’m paying the consequences for it I just want opinions on what I can do to have her back without breaking NC from

[@olegamma]

Crazy thing is I didn’t know what limerence was only until the middle of the relationship And even when i acknowledged that this “obsession “ existed we still stayed together until we broke up

[@futureshocked]

If she has blocked you everywhere then stop trying to reach out. You are blocked for a good reason. What you did was harmful BUT you are now making it worse by still trying to attach. Move on and start working on yourself deeply. Start approaching why you cheated. Go DEEP...go into your memories, your childhood, was there anything in childhood that made you predisposed to cheating? Orrrr was it just a mistake and is it something that you can just remember and make a self-promise to never do again?

[@kat.eleftheriou]

It's good that you're able to hold yourself accountable for your actions. That's important no matter your attachment style. The only thing you can do is show up authentically and vulnerably and allow her to meet you half way if she chooses to. Other than that, this is an important lesson that you've taken away from the experience to help you grow and that's just as impactful.