Why Can't Narcissists Connect?

Narcissists can give the impression of wanting to connect, when they actually want to find ways to dominate. Dr. Les Carter highlights six major patterns explaining why their version of connection is little more than an attempt to exploit you for personal gain.
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Dr. Les Carter is a best selling author and therapist who has semi-retired to Waco, TX. For 40+ years he maintained a counseling practice in Dallas, conducting more than 65,000 therapy sessions and many workshops and seminars. He specializes in anger management and narcissistic personality disorder. Since creating his KZbin channel, his videos have received more than 110 million views.
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[@cassiebennet4262]

It is incredibly lonely being with a narcissist. I'm very introverted and enjoy solitude. The narcissist is just an empty shell skulking around waiting to blame someone for their misery. It's like living with a stranger, you wait on hand and foot, who hates you.

[@FloridaGirl-]

Good description

[@cassiebennet4262]

@@FloridaGirl- You look so familiar. I feel like I've seen you comment on several Christian channels. Also your account was created on my birthday. So odd.

[@dimerciflour5902]

Very well said. Exactly. Same. ✅

[@FloridaGirl-]

@@cassiebennet4262 👍 Blessings cassie

[@beacleary9889]

Unfortunately you’re description is to a tee: their an empty shell; & won’t be happy until you are…Bless you…xxxx

[@yukio_saito]

Nothing is mutual for them. Everything is one-way. As a result, connection is lost.

[@roxymovie3938]

Literally in a one way street you own the street for no one is allowed to drive towards you. In comparison Nars held endless monologues in one direction and if anybody talks/drives against them, they feel entitled to crash/destroy you.

[@yukio_saito]

@@roxymovie3938 Exactly they hold "endless monologues in one direction." ➡⛔ Well said. 🎯💯 😆

[@annking8633]

Well put. ❤️

[@StalkedHuman]

Being "connected" to the busy bodies and gossipers is the big crime.

[@terencehennegan1439]

Good one 👍

[@allyjay7395]

I've learned not to even dare try to connect with them. Not only is it a fruitless endeavor, anything personal you tell them will be used as ammunition againts you.

[@Cross-Examine]

💯

[@robinmacquarrie4625]

I've experienced this too many times. I now proceed with caution never revealing any personal feelings.

[@amandaliverpool3374]

In my opinion, in connecting with someone, you share some vulnerabilities. They see vulnerability as a huge weakness!!!

[@yukio_saito]

In the same way as hackers, they take advantage of your vulnerabilities to take control of you. ⚠

[@amandaliverpool3374]

@@yukio_saito Very much so!

[@velvetgardenia]

Spot on! 👏

[@cazjay017]

True..

[@elcee7800]

True. Nature is off kilter with them.

[@istateyourname4710]

Most prevalent in hindsight was the extreme mirroring. I was in awe of how aligned & attuned we 'seemed' to be.

[@sundeecathey1748]

However, the energy and the experience is not that at all

[@tmking7483]

Extreme mirroring is so creepy to witness & esp with me _ I'm mildly autistic and have a little bit odd with my sentence structure _ it's easy to see_ it's me in the mirror. They are so creepy _ it gives u a feeling oh its Satan. Don't have sex with Satan _ they lack real sex organs _ they don't have organs. They not sure about what they doing _ they stare at walls.

[@michellehill718]

Absolutely! And, then... So glad and grateful to be waking up now than never! 🤗🕊️

[@terrancemcclendon456]

They see life as a " dog eat dog" so exposing your personal self can be exposed to others

[@RG9r0n1n]

But when it comes to themselves, that "Dog eat dog" disappears or is non existent.

[@marilynbrowman5520]

I have reached the stage of not caring why my husband is the Narc he is. 14 yrs of his behaviour trying to make my life chaotic, jeopardising me, demeaning me, lying to me, gas lighting me, jealous of me, disliking me, and so much more. Yes, now i am still an empath but just not toward him. He killed my love and caring for him. He drained that from me

[@JackieFerrell-f6o]

You sound like you have experienced what I did with my ex-husband. I'm an empath as well. The emotional pain is horrific.

[@aaronkwolfe]

I miss who I THOUGHT she was. Not who she REALLY was.

[@tmo.48]

I hear ya. I suppose we just have great imaginations. ❤

[@kittensugars]

That's what I keep telling myself as well.

[@nellythenarcissist]

I know that feeling. Ditto. But we carry that love within us that they brought out and we will go on again to find love again with someone that can reciprocate.

[@mariaawake4502]

Trying to relate to your comment: She never was, who you thought she was, but she instinctively followed a programming dictated by her n personality disorder. However love bombing is rather exhausting work to the narcissist because it is fake and besides that he/she has little access to positive emotions anyways.

[@Rachel-mz8ko]

Hi, Aaron. I'm sorry you're not happy. Were you together long?

[@Cassie-pt7mt]

My Golden Child older sister "connects" by fawning, dominating, bullying and raging. I was the Scapegoat (birth-12) and the Lost Child (12 onward) and I don't connect... unless I'm people pleasing. Honestly, I learned not to trust a living soul. Growing up in a raging, abusive, neglectful, alcoholic family isn't conducive to growing up healthy. I wish my parents would have dealt with their crap before hot potatoing it down to us.

[@user-cf3iz6cl5q]

You're not alone and it's possible to heal 🤗 It's a bumpy road but it's worth it

[@Rfp601]

When you make it clear that their superiority complex and lack of recognizing your worth is unacceptable they will treat it like the greatest betrayal to ever happen.

[@LikeHae-wp5bj]

they are the betrayal ball hog. you have to have the ball to be the star of course. It's like Michael Jackson trying to get by Shaq, every time you will know YOU ARE NOT THE STAR. Every time we have to deal with them, they are only saying one thing to us. Your body knows it.

[@DogMomCMF]

VERY well said!!! That is spot on to what happened between my mom & I, 6 months ago. To go back to patting her on her narcissistic little head was no longer an option for me.

[@mosaicowlstudios]

​@@DogMomCMFWow same for me with my mom. She keeps playing the victim and crying that "we don't have the same relationship that we used to" and she wants to "go back to being close again". We were never close. What she wants is to go back to saying whatever she felt like and devaluing me and humiliating and ridiculing me, and for me to not say anything about it or stand up for myself. That's what she thinks were the "good old days", it was the times when she wasn't called out for her emotional/psychological abuse. She thinks that was the epitome of a perfect mother-daughter relationship. Then when she's called out, it's the biggest betrayal and she's a huge victim because she had this "great mother-daughter relationship that got ripped away". It was never great, she just got away with whatever she wanted and she called it "great".

[@DogMomCMF]

@@mosaicowlstudios Oh my, we may have the same mother! After I finally decided not to allow her to “move on” after her last outburst, she kept asking why we can’t go back to the way things were…I explained that we have to communicate, we can’t have a relationship based on what she’s comfortable with, she says hurtful explosive things and I always allow it to keep things neutral, no more. She came at me after I simply explained she cannot use my personal hurts against me, like “I don’t know what TRIGGERED you just now!” (While I’m being calm and saying very little) to get me to react so she can say “what’s wrong with you, your outbursts are unacceptable”!….So no longer playing that game because I’ve changed, I’ve grown, and no longer buy into these deregulated outbursts of hers, I am the one who all but “slapped” her when I was honest. Also, apparently I don’t even have faith or God in my life, now THAT was a slap. I miss the mom I could have had, but not the drama…it’s so sad really.

[@Cross-Examine]

That's because they hate boundaries because they are like a mirror to them that forces them to see themselves instead of blaming others, which the vehemently deny and refuse to accept.

[@cathy9025]

Narcissist are dead inside.

[@carefulcarpenter]

They are not sincerely curious about you. Short attention spans.

[@taniadolphy5122]

Absolutely 💯

[@cassiebennet4262]

They can't enjoy anything. They have no peace.

[@C-eq1tj]

Yes. There is a concept called the dead mother syndrome in psychology. Most likely a narcissist. No life in no love. And no real relationship.

[@jamaalhorton2343]

I agree fully!!! Just listen to them! It’s nothing to them! Weak , Cowardly people!!

[@Ariadne76-k3d]

Connecting would make them equal. We can't have that!

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

So accurate.

[@cassiebennet4262]

That would mean equality. They need to be superior.

[@carolynscott7413]

At 80 I learned the vocabulary that I needed to describe what I was experiencing for 55 years. Never too late to learn

[@fred.k9875]

GOOD QUESTION, BECAUSE THEY CAN'T CONNECT TO THEMSELVES WHERE THERE'S NO SELF! ONLY NARCISSISTIC CONNECTION.

[@t_nels]

In a previous comment you mentioned an episode of Dr Carter's. In looking it up I found Four Reasons Narcs Can't Cope with You. Very good info as well.

[@barbarajohnson95]

Facts

[@wildhorses6817]

NO SELF ❗

[@missbearlockholmes]

They can't stop abusing people long enough to form a real connection. Refraining from abusing someone is like holding their breath.

[@duromusabc]

Because narcissists can’t go beyond level 2 communication- their lack of empathy and their dread/fear of self reflection and being vulnerable and their hatred of their own humanity and their co dependent external way of doing “relationships”- they fear and hate and dread touchy feely tender heart connections- social interactions and talking stays superficial and impersonal

[@nellythenarcissist]

Absolutely, they are pure hating machines because they are fear based individuals that have no idea about vibrations of love. It's sad and really pitiful.

[@lornaprice3748]

😒😒😔

[@jamaalhorton2343]

This is accurate!!

[@lorenebaxter-e8c]

We never once walked together ever holding hands. He was always busy walking ahead on some sort of important mission. Very sad situation for these souls.

[@jenreiter8580]

The relationship fatigue is so real. As soon as you ask the narc to go to counseling or try to make things better, it's "I don't know why you think we need to do that. Things are fine." And then when you seek counseling to see if you're going crazy, because of all the gaslighting, the narc gets upset because you're seeking help.

[@CaptainPhilosophical]

I'm told I only care about myself, am selfish, and self indulgent because I go to therapy, meditate, and do yoga to help me cope with her daily conflict.

[@hilarysimpson3725]

As soon as a problem crops up they cannot work cooperatively on options and solutions. E.g. health problems, problems with a child’s school etc. They will not listen. They always know best.

[@roxymovie3938]

Narcs cannot connect with you because they miss the essentials for making any connections possible: 1. They are not able and do not want to be vulnerable with you because this would make them attackable, which they cannot afford because they have to be in control over you 2. They lack emotional empathy and their cognitive empathy is not able to connect with your feelings because it is centered only in their minds 3. They do not think in terms of mutuality because they themselves are the centre of the universe which has to be served only 4. They do not think of you as an equal individuum because their game is to wear you down so that you are always less than them 5. They have abondent their humanity long time ago which makes them cold blooded and they can only react in function seeking which makes them act like a robot 6. They are too busy in their minds with getting supply 24/7 that there is no space left for any connection at all 7. They have lost their own connection with themselves long time ago so that there is no true self at home 8. They have no moral compass build into them in order to act in any decent way to build trust 9. They have to hide themselves constantly by wearing different masks so that they will never allow themselves to be open and authentic 10. They are not able to take care about anybody because people are only seen as toys/objects with functions 11. They do not see you as a seperated person with your own needs and feelings 12. When you differ in any kind and do not show conformity they will lash out with defensiveness because they will feel threatend 13. As a control freak and power seeker they absolutly do not know what love is

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

You're on it, Roxy!

[@t_nels]

Ross Rosenberg just had an upload yesterday and said to get in touch with their pain would break them. What do you think, is it an extreme defense mechanism or is their choice?

[@roxymovie3938]

@@SurvivingNarcissism Thank you, Dr Carter.

[@roxymovie3938]

@@t_nels I do not know Ross Rosenberg, but I absolutely agree that if they would get in touch with their pain, it would break them. I remember dealing with the Sociopath and I could feel so much pain inside of him and even in his flat there was hanging such a dark cloud of deep chaos, pain and sadness. To answer your question, I think they once made an unconsious choice for this extreme defense mechanism in order to survive.

[@amandaliverpool3374]

I agree with Dr. Carter 👍

[@claracollins3496]

Gus is so chill

[@sylviacaldwell2139]

🐶💙

[@bobtaylor170]

He's seen and heard it all.

[@kayspence7044]

❤ Gus!

[@angelameyer3709]

My now DEAD X (36 years, 6 months, 15 miserable days) told me Roger Miller needs his EGO stroked every so often. What he meant was that he needed to cheat ALL THE TIME! He would not let me get a divorce, until he felt he had another victim hooked. Well, when he hit her, she hit back. When he wanted me back, I told him to go to the land of double hockey sticks! I am finally free. Free for 13 years, and intend to stay that way. Thank you so much for your insights and affirmations to what my decisions have been.

[@allyjay7395]

My consolation is that I need not even tell them to go to Hell, if such a place exists, they've sealed their own fate.

[@frannavin3165]

I was good as long as i said yes to him. No or having a different opinion did not go over

[@AnneReimer]

I am absolutely not willing to give up my individuality at any cost of the narcs😊

[@lauracoussens6207]

Yes...I always asked him to "connect" and he would just look at me with a blank face...probably the face of denial.

[@Birdbandb]

That was the biggest thing even from the start. No connection!

[@henrykujawa4427]

Snot Face​​: "I wish they taught this in elementary school. Children with abusive family would be validated and protected from adult toxic relationships." I WISH it was taught in school, also, from the earliest days. Also, "self-defense" classes. Not to have kids fight, but to have them be able to walk around with confidence, knowing that IF someone attacked them or threatened to attack them, they could stand up to it, often prevent anything from happening, and if something happened, that they could defend themselves and make the attacker learn a lesson they would never forget. My Dad never wanted this for me, because HE was the biggest bully in my entire life, and wouldn't want me standing up to HIM. Took me until I was in my early 30s before I was able to even begin doing that. D mackay: "he played a headgame. moved something out of my garage and into the basement." I once spent and entire MONTH working on a project for school. I was so proud of it. After, I put it up on display at home, on top of a tall desk-drawer cabinet. It was completely out of the way, and actually best viewed from below. One day, it was missing. I found it IN THE BASEMENT, under a pile of HEAVY BOXES. As it was constructed mostly of "construction paper", it was smashed and bent completely out of shape, and IMPOSSIBLE to ever repair. I confronted my Dad about it. HE moved it down there, for NO apparently reason. Had he simply put it down there, that would have been one thing, but to pile several heavy boxes on top of it was just sheer, deliberate VANDALISM. He gave NO explanation, NO apology. All he said to me was, incredibly... "Well, can't you fix it?" I wanted to SMASH HIS FACE in so badly right then. I swear, it is nothing less than a miracle that that man died of natural causes (at age 81). I believe it was sometime shortly after that, my brother put a model of a sailing ship up on top of that same cabinet. It sat there for decades, long after he moved far away. One day, thinking about MY DAD, I went downstairs, grabbed the model, threw it on the floor, and stomped on IT, breaking it into hundreds of tiny pieces. I wasn't mad at my brother, I was mad at my Dad... who'd already passed away 20 years earlier. It's a shame, it was a nice-looking model, but, it wasn't mine, and it served as a constant reminder that Dad always treated my brother better than me. (I figured, if my brother really wanted the model, he wold have taken it with him when he moved out decades earlier.)

[@trudismith9712]

Sad, sad my heart hurts. Where was your Mum?

[@mariaawake4502]

Yes, this sounds like something a narcissist father would do. In therapy I came to understand the harm my parents ( n father and totally obedient mother)did with bad advice , sneaky discouragement etc. I am grateful for the excellent school system we had in Germany (W) with its strong emphasis on logical thinking and other supportive people.

[@trudismith9712]

@@mariaawake4502 That's a sore point not standing up for the children, friends, ideas and myself. At my old age (79 in July) I am learning to let words that are whirling in my head, come out clearly to the point and in peace. (Not always with my N2!). I am grateful to Dr C.

[@MauAnderson]

Thank you for all these videos, they have helped me see “the forest for the trees” ♥️🙏🏼

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

You are so welcome!

[@C-eq1tj]

Thank you for this video. This explains my two narcissistic parents. They can be married to each other and do things together as toddlers who engage in parallel play- side by side- but no real intimacy. Also, the absence of love definition of a narcissistic clearly explains why I never felt loved by my parents and longed for true connection. It was never there. Thank you again. 💡

[@Benjaminleo815]

Ultimately I've had tp decide whether to keep being angry or accept and grieve. Both are unpleasant but the latter provides a way forward.

[@DoHisProphetNoharm]

Amen 🎉

[@Rosecomments]

Before I ever heard about the condition I used to think it was like two railroad tracks where they never meet no matter how hard I tried.

[@deborahlea5669]

A red flag for a Narc is that they will never speak of their young life or family in any depth whatsoever. My mother despite a very good education only ever chose to surround herself with people of low intellect so she could keep the upper hand. Sad!

[@carolhill8917]

I know someone that seems to do that also. She can get her ego stroked with helping them with some needs.

[@hurricaneaquatics]

Oh yes!! This is absolutely correct. Not that I'm judging anyone, but let's get real, they're classes of people. My narcissist always wanted to have everything, but wanted to hang around with the lowest of the low. I never understood why as it made zero sense to me. It's like a good, moral person wanting to hang out with convicts, it's not a good idea. Yes, your statement is very correct and wow, what they must think of themselves to do this type of thing.

[@HeysumAli]

@hurricaneaquatics It's low self worth from Childhood Trauma.

[@hurricaneaquatics]

@@HeysumAli yes, most likely, they can't change that thinking though. It's impossible to explain and help them.

[@HeysumAli]

@hurricaneaquatics It's possible, I got self aware and currently breaking the cycle :)

[@violetgrl1144]

quick story time about my narc mom: weeks ago my beloved dog passed away while she was staying at my mother's house, who happens to be quite narcissistic. before her passing, i needed funds to pay for my dogs medicine and other hospitilizatio bills and had to ask from my mom for a bit of help. my mom dislikes animals in general so it wasnt a surprise she didnt want to help out. then i heard from someone who worked for her that my mom said to just put my dog to sleep as if it was her decision to make. my mom loves to rush my emotional feelings and to "get on" with it. she told me "you have to let her go. you have to" (my dog passed away naturally and peacefully bc of a chronic disease she had, it overtook her. i miss her so much) so on the day of my dog's burial, it was so hard i cried a lot. i placed flowers on the corners of my dogs open coffin, then my mom came up beside me and looked down at me and she said "dont touch your dog!" in a commanding way. lol. who says that to someone who is crying so much their chest hurts? a selfish person projecting their own dislike of animals. she truly is a narc bc narcs cannot connect or be vulnerable, ever. i have more experiences with my mom that healthy adult children could not believe it's real bc they were never abused, i could write a whole book on what she has done to me update on me: im currently looking for a new place very very very far away from my narc moms reach and family relatives who side with her, in a city she would never think id live in. the last time i saw her, she tried to lure me back again into her orbit. she is the estranged type and her unhealthy obsession towards me has become worse to the point filing a restraining order or moving out of the country are my solutions. she wants me to be her best friend, her personal assistant, her therapist and more. and if she were to do a smear campaign when im out under her thumb, i might have to change my name legally. im moving on with my life and never looking back!

[@happyflower251]

They only play a zero sum game. They win and you have to lose.

[@b43xoit]

To the very end.

[@lionheartklaric3729]

This is so helpful. In my last relationship w a covert narc I felt connected the 1st couple of months together. Then I really felt a problem connecting to him. He was controlling, contemptuous, envious, judgemental of so much about me and he basically began to ignore me and any needs I had. I told him about this and he said it was my problem that I couldn't connect to him. What I felt was probably everything you talk about here. It really scared and confused me. Almost 2 years out I still feel sadness that this was the situation I was in with this person. I was in love with him and his condition destroyed that love. Such a learning experience. Thank you Dr Carter. Sounds like you have a sore throat, don't forget to get some rest! ❤

[@andreacook6000]

Roxy! Thank you so much for this! By golly I love the way you can integrate everything Les says and then simplify it down and bullet point like this. I take photos of them so I can go back and read again. Amazing! Thank you again. Andrea. ✨🙏💕🍃🌼

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

#TeamHealthy

[@fred.k9875]

Immersion is the fifth stage that healthy relationship that narcissists couldn’t even dream of.

[@evemcfarland8159]

And this was really the heartbreak for me. I couldn't get this person to open up. Ever. I tried it all. Eventually, the topics of acceptable conversation were his job, the weather and our shared children.

[@aubreyj.tennant1123]

5:00 “Too strong of a need for control” Loyalty & deference! I believe the consistent pattern of deference is one of the biggest tells you’re in an intimate, work, family or friendship with a narcissist when they seldom yield to your - ideas, choices, thoughts, knowledge, experience, expertise, suggestions, offers, likes or any other concept originating with you. Great subject Doc! 👍💪💯

[@amberinthemist7912]

I've realized that my narc dad is unable to ever repair a relationship. If I tell him he hurt me or broke a boundary his response is to dismiss my concerns outright. It is what he sees as normal instead of an apology ever. Then he love bombs to try to get me to talk to him. He will never see what's missing so he can never repair the relationship. So it's just completely pointless to try. It's sad but I'm just waiting out the clock until I don't have to avoid his calls anymore.

[@susanmunoz7688]

The one thing that I have identified along with all your help Dr. Carter is that the evil, cruel narcissist in trying to destroy me and others. you can be a Christian but you must worship above all else the liar himself. NO , that’s not going to happen. I know that God is love. We need to have relationships you can laugh and cry together , helping each other be successful together, not harmful. I can’t thank you enough for your support Dr Carter.

[@ΜαρίαΣταυροπούλου-γ8φ]

Oh yes, exactly, Relationship Fatigue /Laziness!!!!!!!

[@katehopp85]

My MIL is a narcissist, and I was talking to my husband about Doc Carter's theory that narcissists don't have the capacity to love. My husband said, even with therapy, it's still nearly impossible to fathom the idea that his mother has never loved him--he knows it intellectually, but can't handle it emotionally. It absolutely broke my heart.

[@annettglass7290]

Hey Team Healthy friends 😊♥️

[@PaulineMesplou]

I see it now with our children, he wants them to connect with him, period. Nothing in it for them.

[@fred.k9875]

Dr.C no one can tell truth the way you do it brings tears in my eyes.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Thanks so much, Fred.

[@susancosgrove5010]

I once saw a small tree that had taken root on top of a boulder and the tree roots were entwining the rock like they were seeking to find a crevice, any opening in that rock, that would allow nourishment...something to enable it to thrive. I often felt my relationship was like that. Trying to find somewhere to put my 'roots' into to enable growth. The situation often seemed impervious to any goodwill or sacrifice. You have helped me to see why 'growth'...or connection wasnt possible. Thanks Dr C, for another insightful video. 👌🌹🐶

[@etaokha4164]

My ex has no bond with our child. He runs away from bonding or spending quality time or create memories with our child. No he just runs away and it makes my child feel like his a burden because his immature father doesn't really parent or make any connection. Its because they can't give what they dont have. They're empty vessels

[@KK-gr9df]

Narcissists are driving a car and as long you are going along with them to where they want to go you can get along. Try to change the route or the stops and you get kicked out of the car right there. You get left stranded and abandoned as they move on looking for another companion to join them on their journey.

[@Jennifer-hn2zm]

So perfectly described.

[@DebbieLee-dr3hr]

Life according to them is all that matters.

[@KK-gr9df]

@@DebbieLee-dr3hr Yup

[@zoewhite2958]

Very helpful. I'm 6 weeks pregnant with a man I believe is an actual narcissist. The mast came off about 6 months in and I spent a few more months in denial. I am keeping the baby and although everything in me would love to be together and work through this. I can see this is not possible and I need to protect my self and navigate my next steps I did get myself into this situation and will have to be strategic for the next few months and years

[@davidparker5439]

I told my narcissistic I loved her , but I will never forget what she did to me destroying my a family and my myself

[@bintjesvideokanaal]

In a (sad) way it’s good they cannot connect. Because that you at a very early stage can notice/feel. I did at least at the time. Emotional and physical distance. An early warning if you will. A launch to a future with people who (in contrast with the narcissist) do love you.

[@carolpeachey1925]

Gosh this hit home ..attach not immerse is so on point ..took me seven years to work this out. Thank you Dr Les you are the best and have helped me understand

[@clungebucket23]

I dodged a bullet in my line of work as a self employed joiner recently.... Thanks to your channel, I was able to pay attention to my intuition about someone I encountered in the tendering phase of a job... He gave out some really dark vibes, which is unusual as with previous experiences where the Narc put on an act... A few days later I learn that this person had been involved in many other confrontations locally, one of which involved a restraining order. Never have I felt so much pride and elation in turning down the work and explaining fully and honestly why.

[@jamaalhorton2343]

I’m in isolation 99 percent of the time if I’m not at work! This world is sickening to me! The world is 99. 9 percent narcissistic! Even at work! Teachers are so narcissistic! They talk without any intention of listening! I attract these kind of people! I energy is very real! I was working out and this narcissistic woman walked over to me and said “ you have a good energy to you “ I said “ I know “ she immediately began telling me her problems! So she can absorb my energy and transfer her negative energy to me! Another example: this woman called me to dump her energy off on me! So I wouldn’t engage! She said” you really hurt me, I really needed you and you abandoned me” I said” what about the other 2700 times I was there for you “ phone went dead!

[@simplysindisiwe]

I love that. I'd like to have more connections. But I find people are not working on their stuff. I am therefore learning to find peace in my own company. I am raising kids currently and I know soon they will leave to start their own lives and I will have to let them go. Staying with a Narcissist who is cheating with other supplies and has made it clear he wishes it was over yet he's not willing to make the first move

[@davidemm829]

They way you deliver this information really makes it simple, human, kind, yet deep..thank you very much.

[@sw6454]

Thank you Dr C. I needed this video today because my husband told me that our relationship isn’t a normal relationship because of me. Really triggered me. Trying to leave is hard work so hearing your advice helps me to heal and grow strength.

[@TattedChristian]

GOD bless u Dr. C 🕊💗🙏. Thank u so much for all ur work and kindness, u have helped me more than words can ever say🙏💗🕊

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

You are so welcome

[@diane19456]

Hi, Dr. C and team healthy, My narc doesn't have a clue about all he has missed out on in his life. His mother ruined him, turned him and his brother into Little Lord Fontilroy... Not sure of the spelling but you understand... superior to everyone from babies, and his brother never broke free of her control...when she died he could not support himself, lost job after job and my husband and i supported him until he passed away from illnesses he could have prevented. So sad to waste a human being with such potential!

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

That's a classic example of what I refer to as trained incompetence.

[@notagain779]

This is so interesting. I had a friend who fits this description. I was unaware of why there wasn't true connection. The relationship eventually ended abruptly, but not in an ugly way. I said some things that revealed to her that I was becoming aware of her deceptive nature, and she dropped me - ghosted me. It didn't surprise me, because I knew enough about her character and personality by then, that she wouldn't be able to be open with me. Friends we knew in common found out about our "departure" from each other, and they said to me, "What in the world did you ever see in her? Why did you two stay friends for so long?" That shocked me for a while, until I began learning about narcissism. I hadn't understood, but once I did, I could accept being ghosted without feeling hurt by it. I even was glad it happened the way it did. I believe she would have called it a "soft landing." I called it a waste of my time, but what I've learned from the experience has been incredibly valuable.

[@noorasyed1698]

Thanks Les, I teared up at the end of the video, felt understood and like given permission to look after myself.

[@Christina-c9b]

I'm so glad there is immediate help ND therapy. I am moving now. It's so scared ND hard to disconnect from the narcissist. I'm doing it tho

[@StacyGensic]

Dr Les Carter, Scapegoat here You've saved my life Thank you

[@annemariepeterhoff7261]

They don't know how to connect with anyone but themselves! I often ask my husband if he ever loved me his answer I cared. I wonder what he cared about as it clearly wasn't me! It was all about him his job his hobbies his friends. He doesn't know the meaning of love and has no empathy. He is stuck somewhere between a five year old or a teenager and I am done with raising our children. I have no intention of raising his mothers son! He is 73 and recently retired. They never change it only gets worse.

[@aproperho]

SPEECHLESS… THANK YOU!!!! Incredible ❤

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

You're quite welcome.

[@nellythenarcissist]

Great video Mr C! It's right they can't connect - you'd need to be in touch with your humanity for that and by that I mean to YOUR HEART CENTRE and be able to feel, give and share love. They are enemies of love. They play for team fear. FEAR IS THE SOURCE OF ALL NEGATIVE EMOTIONS including hatred.

[@butterflycomb]

Narcissistic can be selective. So frustrating....

[@taniadolphy5122]

They attach to us and we then become one of their many minions.

[@chillywilly4126]

They have nothing to offer you and they know it.

[@DoHisProphetNoharm]

Real spill 😅

[@janclebro6997]

Once again I so appreciate your videos Dr Carter. I find the difficult ones, for me, are the people who are not ticking all the narcissism boxes, but show many narcissistic traits. My brother is very obviously and strongly narcissistic, he ticks every box strongly, so although he hurt me profoundly, it was easier for me to get a handle on how toxic he is and deal with it appropriately. He and my narcissistic sister are the reasons I watch these. (There are nine of us, not all narcissists!) But my significant other is not so obvious. For years I wondered whether he was autistic because he appeared completely incapable of engaging with me in any meaningful way. He doesn't appear to have had the unhappy childhood typical of narcissists, he doesn't appear to have a massive ego, so he's slipped under the radar all these years. But he mostly wants no engagement with me at all. Much of the time he treats me no better than if I were a piece of excrement. I'm now no longer concerned about whether he fits perfectly under the narcissist label, I'm just aware that so much of our relationship is toxic. This video makes so much sense, it has gone yet another step further in helping me to make sense of all this. I also appreciate that although you don't mince your words when talking about narcissists, you are respectful and never forget that they too are human. Thank you Dr Carter! ❤️

[@DrNancyLivingCoCreatively]

Judgement feels spot on. I have a funny online friend who claims he could stand on the street and try to hand out 100 dollar bills and no one would accept. Seems self trust is a big part of love. 🦋

[@Hatbox948]

I'd take one!

[@MicheleLHarvey]

QUESTION: How can any human being witness the effects of their cruelty in real time, on another person, and NOT be ASHAMED?

[@evemcfarland8159]

I wonder how this happens, too!

[@Cross-Examine]

Absolutely appreciate and LOVE your content, sir! Thank you!

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

I appreciate that!

[@justinamontgomery2618]

Loved this video......now until I first heard this concept a few years ago.....I finally understand clearly what the personality disorder is.....my gut instinct was right to let a few go.

[@rossanderson5243]

Thank you Dr Carter. Yes we need to be aware of what and how we connect. I saw you and thought ah psychologist and so I can let all my thoughts out, but you are also in your home I think, I need to see myself as a guest in your home and so not to cause any defensiveness. Yes they lack love. Love means a sacrifice and they want you to sacrifice for them.

[@lisastillion2937]

Talk about controlling.. info about family near deaths, close friends deaths, friend misfortunes are withheld, and visits from long distance cousins, etc...all hidden info. Then told, " If THEY wanted YOU to know, they would have told you.."

[@DebbieLee-dr3hr]

Exact same thing for me. I am in my mid 60s and this has been going on since my teens. I only surface when necessary now. If I don't care for the company I don't need to spend time with them. There is no reason to move forward together.

[@meganswanepoel8756]

Finally it ALL makes sense. I get it now! Wow. This video tied all the loose ends for me….. I never stood a chance. Thank you for understanding and putting it into words for us to understand that validate the experience.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Glad it helped!

[@dotnb]

Thank you for this, Dr Carter

[@andreacook6000]

Thank you for this wonderful video. There is so much in this, so much to think about and integrate.

[@darinsmith2458]

You said a lot in this video but I will comment on Control.. It is very easy to talk about how my family controlled me when I was in the family business.. It is a lot more difficult to talk about how the family controlled me prior to the family business.. It is even more difficult to talk about the effects of being controlled.. I do know that my tolerance is way too high for being controlled.. I also know that I do way too much people-pleasing.. To me control isn't just other people tell me what or what not to do.. Control is them being able to do behavior and I can't do the same behavior.. Control is them looking for a fight.. Control is them cutting me off in traffic.. Control is them pushing their shopping cart into me.. Control is them talking above me or interrupting me.. Control is them gossiping about me behind my back.. There is so many other versions..

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Yes, so many other versions, so many.

[@darinsmith2458]

@@SurvivingNarcissism This is good stuff and why I need to hear your message every day..

[@Pinkchinook909]

This is one is so good!👆👍🙏 I watched twice🤩 Thank you Dr.C

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Glad it resonated!!

[@julienatoli8561]

Another excellent video!!! Thank you Sir 🙌🕊️✝️💞 Dr C you are such a blessing! I say when you are committed to LOVE, you are committed to TRUTH! Simple. Because I soo agree with you, the narcissistic relationship absolutely IS the lack of love! These toxic individuals ARE detached! It is what it is!!! Move on & truly count your blessings because God really does have abundance and light up ahead in your future. Onward and upward Team Healthy!!! DRC ... dignity! respect! civility! ❣️

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Thanks, Julie! #TeamHealthy

[@sherrydickie8459]

1. They are selfish 2. They are selfish 3. They are selfish 4. They are selfish 5. They are selfish and 6. They are selfish.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Well, I did say there were 6 points, didn't I.

[@piavmes]

Thank you Dr. C! This video is perfect and explains a lot!

[@stevenmorgan6164]

Thank you Dr Carter An excellent video One of my favorite videos

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Glad to hear it! Thanks, Steve.

[@amathenderson7318]

Best description = "🌵 🌵 🌵 "

[@ΜαρίαΣταυροπούλου-γ8φ]

Exactly, it reminded me of what Esther Parel said in a video, they think the relationship as a cactus that they don't need to water...😢🌵

[@Ann-eb8dp]

You are so right

[@patricksicard_psy]

Excellent video. Informative, insightful. Mental wellness team healthy.

[@wren1114]

Thank you💛

[@HOYTRYKK]

So true and so sad 😢

[@carolyn3950]

Absolutely brilliant! As per usual , thank you, you have helped me so much.

[@kellyjones5133]

Sad to hear the truth.😢

[@lydsa9662]

This helps so much when you explain clearly through points. Thank you!

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Glad it was helpful!

[@Ann-eb8dp]

My daughter was in a relationship where she eas very isolated, no phone connection friends and family were not welcome s tiny house with mo space for her mot even s comfortable chair where she could read s book She has left

[@arianasha]

Les well said.. thank you!

[@GoogleUser-pc6tu]

Impossible to immerse with someone that never takes accountability

[@Robloxplayer242]

We’re on a trip got into an argument. I apologize for anything that I have might irritated him and then he replied. I have something to say and start complaining instead of apologizing because it was both of us started talking about me no apology talking about the things that I do wrongdid not look at his self at all. He is the biggest problem but won’t realize.😢

[@southernbelle6564]

Dr Carter, Would you please address the question of how a typical therapy session goes with a couple which one of them are narcissistic? We went to a therapist, and she danced around with things, but never just called him out. How have you handled these situations in the past?

[@llhannah9297]

If a narcissist writes and sings a song (for example) that lacks obvious depth or substance, I've noticed other narcissists seem to be really moved by the lyrics etc. People who are not narcissists easily recognize there is no real substance. It's fascinating how moved narcs are by other narcs. Are they pretending to have depth, or are they genuinely moved to the degree they are capable of?