THE Single Reason Narcissists Can't Let Go Of Their Anger

[@yukio_saito]

The reason they stick to their anger is that they're not resourceful. Anger is a one-size-fits-all solution for them. It can be used for bad coping skills, inflating ego, escaping from reality, blame-shifting, manipulation tactics, etc. 😮

[@rhondanerren4797]

Well said

[@carparthero]

great comment! narcs are psychologically lazy people. they aren't interested in doing the work to repair themselves. they choose to dump their problems onto other people.

[@jwilson6315]

I think narcissists are lazy, have an air of superiority and therefore entitlement over a situation and they lack with this a sense of boundaries over other people's feelings, and in some cases, personal property.

[@rosieE121]

Anger IS a tactic for them. Don't get sucked in to thinking it must be sincere.

[@deborahrichardson3731]

Yes

[@davidiscool3326]

Dr. Carter, do you have any idea how many lives that you've SAVED from these videos? You are a blessing to humanity; a true Angel of light! Thank you, for all that you do!

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

You are so kind, David. Thank you for taking the time to be an encourager!!

[@tammysims8716]

​@@SurvivingNarcissism Yes, thank you is not enough. I am currently listening to your talks and your information is assuring. I'm in a very challenging situation with a relative and need a counselor. Can you suggest anyone near Charlotte NC? I have insurance and I think it would help me to know how to navigate this relationship. At this point I feel like I have been used up. Sorry to whine. I just really need some help. Thank you if you can or not.

[@tammysims8716]

Oh I didn't know you have a list of therapists to choose from. Sorry again.

[@Private_Pookie]

They walk around angry all day long. U say one thing to them and all of a sudden its all out war. The craziest thing is that i dont necessarily hold this person to a certain standard but they hold themselves to this grandiose standard that they cant never live up too and when you give em a taste of reality, they cant take it. Totally terrifying

[@dianasmith267]

@@Private_Pookie this sounds so much like my husband!

[@sherry3935]

Tell them no and watch out. Egomaniacs.

[@nexus6514]

True I'm a narcissist and I'm angry always

[@Andre-nx5xl]

@@nexus6514 if you are - would you know..? :)

[@deborahcarder4270]

I don't agree they're angry all the time. The only response to being caught is rage and anger. They have no coping skills or EIQ

[@sbcabk]

I had been abused by a narcissistic sibling for more than six decades. She was "good" for the last 20 years, but inexplicably relapsed with a vengeance. She tried to provoke me with a serious insult. I ignored it but vowed she had just one more chance. It came two weeks later. She texted me and I could pick up on her ire. I wasn't depressed; I wasn't angry. I just knew I had had "enough" and now was the time to break free. She "un-invited" me to her house for the week-end. I simply responded, "OK, fine" and that was that. I'm still patting myself on the back.

[@djb1164]

[@andrewrees8749]

@sbcabk well done pal, stay away from her

[@ladybluelotus]

Good for you!

[@TheBroLounge]

I’m also having a lifetime of mistreatment from a narc sibling. Same thing where sometimes it’s good but then out of nowhere they blow it up once again. It’s happened too many times. I’m done.

[@iamjani]

I don't understand how someone can get away destroying other's lives simply because of being angry. There is no repercussion to that behavior for them at all.

[@caroleminke6116]

It never ends well for a narcissist

[@irinaivanovic9792]

@@caroleminke6116How do you know that? The ones I knew all had happy endings..after RUINING my life and mental health. 😡

[@deborahrichardson3731]

Did they really? ​@@irinaivanovic9792they'll eventually get their Karma.

[@markjayw666]

@@irinaivanovic9792Karma always gets them. Eventually

[@dewuknowofHyMn]

On "JUDGEMENT" DAY.....there WILL be CONSEQUENCES.... Some call it karma.....🤷🤦 I have 2 granddaughters just like this and I'm their target cause they cannot manipulate me.....

[@wakeupordie]

Really appreciate whenever you present these rhetorical type questions, but the reality is, narcs see themselves as perfect. They don't see themselves as angry, selfish, defensive, controlling, contemptuous, forceful, domineering, having inner pain, a need to be right or have the final word, a need to win, etc. They see YOU as having all of those traits and issues.

[@misottovoce]

It is called projection. A very typical narcissistic response.

[@AngelaAKuczek]

accurate 😢

[@skylarmontgomery6181]

And when you call them out, it's DARVO technique over and over

[@ronaldlee3537]

The above describes my ex- to the letter "T."

[@drurgirl]

Yes you are absolutely right that's exactly how you tried to make me feel everything you pointed out all those characteristics he told me I was but I knew I was not I was authentic I'm at a great person amazing I just wish I could get back to that girl

[@ednasprung971]

What makes me "crazy" as I'm learning about narcissistic abuse is that all the traits that my ex possessed, he projected onto me. He told me for years that I had anger issues, even though he raged and terrorized me and our son. He gaslit me, saying that I couldn't see my own anger and issues because I "had to win" and couldn't self-examine. I know intellectually that that's what he did, but emotionally, I still doubt myself and my experiences. It's been impossible to overcome the gaslighting. My son helps, because he's much clearer about it, but I still have my dark times.

[@kathleenberg9555]

I think narcissists are terrified of becoming irrelevant and their anger gives them relevance, if that makes sense.

[@steveballard515]

Most Women I know struggle with relevance

[@ctymensma]

I think that is true. They use anger to look like someone who is in control. Even in the bedroom.

[@JustRogue53]

Their anger is a sure guarantee they will never be relevant no matter how hard they try… whether they believe they’re powerful or not. Anger is unresolved sadness. Pray they get out of that spell ❤

[@grantaugustyniak6667]

I think they are always angry because they cannot control you & what you do and the decisions you make for yourself. And when you think & do what’s best for you - a lot of times it reflects badly of them & they don’t like it .

[@Standingfirm777]

BINGO!! 😂

[@RonSafreed]

My narc. father was angry all the time!!

[@phillipmorey8864]

@@grantaugustyniak6667 absolutely! Perfect explanation of the mind set of the person who has to be in control.

[@lM-wp4sn]

Well said. Spot on 👍

[@fred.k9875]

Loss of control,powerlessness, through anger narcissist asserts control.

[@MarianneCatherine]

BINGO!!! 😭😢😱

[@well_weathered]

🎯

[@jenicarter4190]

👊🏻 👊🏻 👊🏻

[@jenicarter4190]

Spot on 🤗 😢😢😢

[@marlineemmal6458]

Anger dominates the fear that is at the core of their being.

[@carrierutherford5946]

And FEAR is the source of the never-ending trauma that is inflicted by that person on us. ☮❤‍🩹

[@caroleminke6116]

Yup! It’s the stuffed shame that’s getting defended every time they erupt. It’s their kryptonite

[@c.thompson9771]

@@marlineemmal6458 well that's because it IS the same thing . .. show fear OR anger; so anger it is . Gawd, what would an ADULT be like ?? You may never know this.

[@Duke2363]

Im so thankful that I finally dropped my 59 year old older brother. I feel so much better. 59 years and he never put in the work to become a better man. He can keep his contemptuous, mean-spirited, nasty, superficial, toddler like thinking for himself.

[@tinalaursen8993]

Damn. I have the same brother! Sixty-four years of an infantile, petty, angry, vindictive man. I thought about his life and how it unfolded and what he experienced. I really can't even cut him some slack to grant some justification for how he's turned out. He didn't have it that bad. He just chose to be like this. 😕

[@nannajulies]

I have the sister version 😢

[@TheBroLounge]

I know the pain and suffering it’s been all my life and I’m not even 40 yet but now he’s cut off. The family has been divided but it’s what must happen for my own peace and safety.

[@jeanetteredden24]

Gus with his face against the arm rest on the sofa: too cute 😊

[@caroleminke6116]

💗

[@trishbech9082]

Haha smooshy face for sure

[@samdevallance1527]

Yep so cute💕

[@nmc1859]

Yes, it's cute. My dog does this too 😊

[@Coral_Forever]

Gussie!!!!❤

[@prant8998]

Anger, works! It allows the perpetrator to shut down the victim and denigrate their response. If someone is screaming at you, are you going to stoop their level and scream right back at them? No one listens, it’s all about attacking the other person. My GF would never think of actually apologizing, it’s all about her precious “feelings,” no matter how damaging that is to me. They have no empathy, all the want is things going there way.

[@oceanelf2512]

The narc when she was in my life, would just randomely bust out with "I hate" or "I'm so angry at" so-and-so, when we weren't anywhere near that subject of conversation. And she was angry at them for the most trivial stuff, for years.

[@IanM-id8or]

If everything fit my sister's idealised fantasy, she'd *still* be angry, and she'd still be creating excuses to target me. I think that making me scared made her feel powerful

[@tomkitchen9457]

I got into an argument with a narcissist last winter, he lost, as he walked away I overheard him tell himself, "I won."

[@lashundaadams8076]

@@tomkitchen9457 No You didn't win, you GAVE them Fuel negative or postive give them fuel which keeps them ALIVE. NO CONTACT AT ALL makes you win

[@tomkitchen9457]

@@lashundaadams8076 in retrospect, I think you are right.

[@bonnielee7134]

Well yeah, he’s saying, “ I won “ because he might have ruffled your feathers, unbeknownst to you. He might have puppet mastered you and got you angry and stressed out and you’re too naive to know that their true intent is to get bully supply. That’s what it’s all about for them. But yeah, they’ll lie to themselves to make themselves feel better. They don’t play fair. You'll really win if you stay th F away from him and he gets to have zero bully supply until he finds another victim.

[@kiv_daniels]

Ohhh goodness how shallow & foolish of him, healthy arguments are done to understand ourselves better, too see things from the other’s point of view not to “win”.

[@francesbernard2445]

Some other mental health professionals are saying that clients recovering from severe narcissistic abuse are put at risk when being pressured to forgive and forget. Most of those professionals have experienced it themselves. Unless a person has experienced it themselves they do not understand.

[@lauracoussens6207]

100% true...this is how bad it can get...not all narcissists are murderers, but all murderers are narcissists.

[@patrickglaser1560]

Do not forgive, do not forget, forgive yourself for all the reactive abuse they get. They deserve your scorn

[@jwilson6315]

@@francesbernard2445 I agree with your sentiments. I have found it to be like a very long bereavement because although time makes it easier I have to admit the pain never really goes. But as a Christian we are asked to forgive. As someone abused from a very young age it's more a case of distancing oneself from the memories by filling your time with things to do that make you feel peaceful but occupy your mind e.g. gardening, painting, knitting. It's an extremely slow process and there's no quick-fix x

[@JackieFerrell-f6o]

Yes.

[@JackieFerrell-f6o]

​@@jwilson6315I agree with you.

[@duromusabc]

Anger is a weapon they use to control others

[@msliberated3899]

Screw their anger

[@SlobArt]

Yes! They provoke of all is well.

[@davidslagmulder2423]

Anger is a sign of weakness.

[@kemily_clothing2539]

Yes.

[@801rbd]

Self-awareness and Self-examination are both "Gifts." Some people receive those gifts... and others do not.

[@DCMikeAviationFun]

You are a total gift and asset to those of us who’ve been down this road. Have survived a malignant and covert and your guidance is spot on. They are always angry

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Pleased for you.

[@maryann946]

I’m the one who’s always angry. I have so much resentment. Everything he’s does and says pisses me off. I’m so tired of trying to fix this. I’m done! I’m so tired of hearing it’s my fault. The underlying message is “fix yourself and we’ll be fine”. I’ve been laid off from my job and my options are wide open. Time to cut ties and start over? I have nothing keeping me here now.

[@PompanoSunshine19]

I hear you. Listen to your inner self. Me too.

[@baboo.2022]

Thank you, Dr. Carter. You saved me from depression and anxiety. I used to think I deserved the hate and anger he showed me. I’m so grateful for your guidance.

[@lauracoussens6207]

Can't wait for you to have over one million subscribers! You deserve it. Thank you so much for all you do!!!

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Thanks!

[@davidfox1726]

I am NO saint by a long shot and I’ve mentioned this a number of times in these forums, i wished this was diagnosed in my spouse 10 plus years ago. My turning into a very apathetic person regarding her and mix in the malignant narcissism cost a 40 year marriage. Best description is like living with a powder keg. This has cost our family so much.

[@FreyaFleurNoire]

I wish they could not be given to such anger and rage. This realization with a close family member of mine ultimately led me to cut off contact with them as it was getting so verbally abusive to the point where I thought I would have a heart attack. Though I blocked their phone number, they went out of their way to leave hateful comments made directly on my youtube that have since been deleted and their profile hidden, but it's extremely unsettling and scary for how fast they go down this lane and how they do not relent, looking for every which way to punish you if you stopped giving them what they want.

[@aaronkwolfe]

Anger can be a great mask to hide behind. It keeps people at a distance.

[@caroleminke6116]

It’s certainly a very primitive defense against exposure of that toxic keg of shame they sit on

[@metteroansyvertsen3728]

But it seems like their heads goes up in flames😂

[@SewDiva5691]

Hi Aaron. I missed your question about my mom during the chat. My mom’s bruising around her eyes showed up later after her bad fall last Friday. She was still inside the dialysis clinic when an employee told me she fell😢🤦‍♀️

[@aaronkwolfe]

@@SewDiva5691 Thx, Sew. Don't mean to pry, but concerned. Grace to you. And to her.

[@SherryWilson-dk7bo]

So sorry Sew 🙏 ❤️ love and blessings 🙌

[@relaxingone578]

Anger/resentment is a solid shield to shame and self loathing so they must manufacture a steady supply by inventing wrongdoing by the target(s) and justify that saying you make them be angry due to these invented wrongs. A closed loop in a loopy mind.

[@johngarrison1505]

12 step programs deals with the issues associated with narcissism. The thing that blocks progress, self centered fear, is the core that drives selfishness and self centerdness. Self introspection is the key to overcoming these fears but self centered fear prevents that self introspection

[@kellypolfleit3942]

They can’t stand the fact that they are inadequate

[@msliberated3899]

Exactly and lazy

[@anitaaustralia]

I think they are offended that everyone doesn't recognise their greatness. They don't think they are inadequate; they think they're uniquely superior

[@wissn2112]

Their negativity throwing anger also rubs off onto you. Being aware helps find ways to respond. Sometimes i dont say anything. Then they will say... I can hear you. Why wont you answer me? Trying to engage poking at you with mumbling insults at you.

[@craigstarjackson3026]

THANK YOU SO MUCH DOCTOR!!!!! I’M IN THE MIDDLE OF A SH!T STORM, AND I KNOW THAT I’M NOT ALONE!!!!! THANK YOU TEAM HEALTHY!!!!!

[@MarianneCatherine]

No, you're not alone. Unfortunately, we're all in the same boat! 😢🙏😔

[@daxachampaneri9390]

Me to I feel isolated

[@craigstarjackson3026]

@@daxachampaneri9390 we’re all here together!! Go team healthy! ! DIGNITY RESPECT CIVILITY!!!!!

[@djb1164]

@@daxachampaneri9390

[@basilalibraheem458]

Not you alone. Me to. But it's gonna be ok🎉🎉

[@evbemma33]

My mother was fullnof anger when i was a child. She was screaming at home, in the shpping center, postoffice, etc... she was always and everywere looking for just small trigger to start the war. After 35+ i was starting connecting the dots, why im a HSP, empath, way im scared of anger, high voice, and why i have so many problems at work with woman managers with the same characteristisc.

[@lauracoussens6207]

In the middle of a 30 year relationship / marriage with an expert and stealthy CMN, one day he was crying / sobbing and I asked him why? He said...I lied to you...the person I told you was my old roommate was really my (ex) wife. He was crying for himself...not because he deceived me. I never received any apologies or and remorse for all of the horrible things he said and did. To his credit, he did also do good things...but there was always a boomerang effect...emphasis on BOOM!!!

[@JamesJoeeight-o4f]

The three things I’ve learned from my narcissistic mother are rage hate and endless anger, Ten years no contact and from what I hear she’s rounding third and heading for the nursing home, No one in the famil Is willing to care for her as she’s so absolutely miserable no one can tolerate her absolute endless INSANITY……

[@goatinmysoup]

The narcissist that I know their default reaction to everything is anger. As I learnt about narcissism I realised their anger was a way of trying to convince people that the narcissist was telling the truth. As they say the best defence is a good offense

[@jeankipper6954]

My wasband and mom, who you have described with astonishing detail and precision, could remember slights from childhood with acrimony. They just would never, ever, let go. Their attention in the present was structured to obtain more grievances. Very difficult.

[@macknewman835]

@@jeankipper6954 you just described my wife.

[@richardlandis793]

WHEN A NARC'S ANGER STARTS COMING TO THE SURFACE, LEAVE IMMEDIATELY WHEN POSSIBLE. 😊

[@tanruz335]

Yes, because it means they feel loosing you as their narc supply - and that's good for you.

[@sonjacurry4473]

My mom always says when she is angry, "Can't you say something good about me?" When anyone tries to help mom when she does things that can harm herself, she gets angry & wants to continue doing harmful things because "we treat her like a child. " You can't request her not to do the things that have caused her multiple broken bones. It's exhausting.

[@carrierutherford5946]

I'm further on my path to healing and understanding the "What the hell just happened?" trauma of my adult child's narcissistic raging and damaging behavior than I ever thought possible - with your kind assistance, Dr. C! Still, it's profoundly helpful to listen to your supportive, confirming insights. Ever so grateful! ☮🤟

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

So pleased fore you...Keep leaning forward!

[@carrierutherford5946]

@@SurvivingNarcissism I shall!😎

[@trishbech9082]

♥️🐾♥️🐾♥️ Gus 🥰 Narcissists - discouraging and so exhausting! But thank you Dr Carter for this excellent counsel to help us all ❤

[@GirlMomma]

I'm just so tired. I can't barely take it anymore. He is slowly killing me.

[@PompanoSunshine19]

Be strong. I know how you feel. Pray to stay strong and have the armour of God to help you. I dream about getting away, but it is not easy. Blessings to you.

[@Donna-n7w]

I went through all that hell with my daughter you have to get away to save yourself

[@wendyann4784]

You’re here watching this video and posting. That’s both honest and brave. That says something is alive and kicking deep in you. Watch and pray, you’ll know when to make a move.❤

[@colleenmcdermitt2189]

@@GirlMomma Leave, plain and simple….

[@Cygnus49]

He is killing you softly. Plan your get away. I know what I am talking about. Divorcing a covert narcissist after 28 years of emotional abuse. Take care ❤

[@BaraSchmidt]

We are unique. THEY are "YOU-nique!" When THEIR cup overflows with all the "You's" THEY spew, consider this: How great would it be to find someone with whom you could say: "I see you, and you see me! Together we'll enjoy a cup of Healthy!" Time to put YOU first! Stay Healthy! (I think Dr C would agree!) 🧡

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

You have such a good way of framing things, Bara!!

[@caroleminke6116]

Fear of exposing the fake persona

[@yukio_saito]

So true.

[@amandaliverpool3374]

🎯 and it's not pretty!

[@well_weathered]

🎯

[@carefulcarpenter]

Mind games go both ways. It is pointing that finger of false accusation. Discussions and empirical evidence tell a story--- but in this reality, the short attention span as been normalized.

[@sonjacurry4473]

Fear of exposing who they think they are. They don't want others to see or believe what they think of themselves. So they put on an act trying to cover their shame. The control they display is the way they are trying to feel like what they want to be.

[@zeynebdevres]

My husband’s anger is yelling and rage. Even if ı say something supportive to ease his negative mood, that has nothing to do with me, he will lash out in a rage yelling and screaming saying my consoling him put him in a worse mood. He curses and uses rude words. He’s like a child having a tantrum. A true rude brat! What a pain in my neck! I have to learn not to be nice. Just silent. As you say my dear doctor best not to engage at all. Thank You! 🙏🏼🥰

[@caroleminke6116]

You’re not his mother but that’s exactly what’s happening here & going gray rock is the best method now

[@zeynebdevres]

@@caroleminke6116 👌🏼🙏🏼💖

[@patriciafry8634]

@@caroleminke6116Or yellow rock. And avoid him when you can.

[@pashakdescilly7517]

I wonder why you put up with that geriatric toddler. He is doing his best to be childish, demanding and over-bearing.

[@stephennelson1687]

All nice words are “manipulative” in their minds.

[@peggymuller4588]

I will be so relieved when I can move on. Even though my soon to be ex-husband handed me the divorce, his operating principle has been discard and destroy. The divorce has dragged on for 18 months. Non-sensical offers and counter offers, declining mediation,....it goes on and on. His anger isn't just directed at me but our adult children as well. His anger has made him a one-man wrecking crew. We have a court date in roughly a month and a half. I pray for a fair resolution. I want my adult kids and me to move on from this season to a more peaceful existence minus the constant chaos that interacting with him creates.

[@PompanoSunshine19]

May God bless you. I hope for a peaceful resolution for you and your children. Stay strong.

[@Victoria-c4n]

I would never bother asking ANY of these questions of a narcissist. They are too shallow and lacking in intellect to contemplate an adequate answer. I have no need to frustrate my EARS by listening to their BS.

[@snowbear1877]

In my family they DO all gang up on me. They all deeply flawed themselves but they gang up on me. Even the only nephew I still have contact with is critical of me. He has admitted to me he has no empathy. I am scared he too could lose his temper with me one day which would sour the relationship, the only relationship with family I have left. They all support one another. I am on the outer because I have a different world view. 6:00

[@KatieS-o3o]

The Anger is a natural reaction to narcissistic abuse with anger tantrums and lies. One expects morality, love, truth with respect versus the other is immoral, disrespectful, tells lies and is full of hate without empathy. Good versus Evil. Darkness needs a Light to stay alive.

[@l.5832]

They don't let go of THEIR anger but they insist you let go of your anger towards them even though they are never sorry for what they do.

[@AlwaysStampinVideos]

Great video, DrC! I can’t tell you how many times he would say, “YOU said…” and then he would twist whatever I had said so that it justified what he had done that was inappropriate or disrespectful. The way he presented it would seem like he simply interpreted my words differently and that I should have maybe either been clearer or said what I said differently so that he would have understood it the way I meant it. But I know I was clear and understandable. I try my best not to confuse people because I myself don’t like being confused. His twisting my words and adding “YOU said…” always confused me. I still can’t believe I fell for it as long as I did. I’m so glad I now know better and I respect myself more. Thanks to you, DrC!

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Hey KellyJean! The more clearly you see it, the more your objective reasoning overrides his subjective games. I enjoyed one of your teas just this morning!!!

[@anitaaustralia]

Yes! Having your words come back to you with different meaning to how they were delivered is initially confusing, so you repeat yourself (10x, 10 different ways), before finally realising there is NO POINT. They don't care. I think it's deliberate too, because in public, they won't do it.

[@Guddilove801]

Word salading ! They are masters at it

[@michellepurcell8703]

Refusal to accept their flaws

[@rebellaire55]

You just talked about my narc dad. You just helped me decode his toxicity. Thank you for helping us heal and rebuild our lives ❤

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

So glad it resonated!

[@marcjtdc]

I love your comment. Oddly, it took me decades to decode my narc "brother". It hurts me that you have a narc father. That must be so hard to deal with. But hopefully you find some understanding of their alpha wannabe games which helps me a lot personally. Good luck.

[@nutt6875]

My father was a "minister" until he died. He used God as an excuse for his abuse until the moment he died. He's now been gone 5 years - I have yet to miss him. Cancer took 2 of his most common tools of abuse the last 13 months of his life - his voice and his fists. On the outside, you could say he got away with it. He didn't. I had no trust nor respect for him. His name does not live on, and I don't help anyone remember him in this life. He's just another nameless, faceless person, who left nothing behind but rage and violence. He didn't get away with it. His name and person are forgotten. Those who trouble their families inherit the wind.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

That's such a sad way to exit the earth. I wish you the best as you move forward.

[@bkb2012]

Dr. Carter, your channel is priceless. Omg. It's crazy how many people behave like popcorn. Staying calm. Going within.

[@rwdchannel2901]

It amazes me how many narcissistic people are running around at my local park in Southern California. I got to know a few and saw a lot of red flag then cut contact with them. They're running around out there all angry and hate filled. I could say to these narcissists the sun is hot and their first response would be either be an invalidating response or a passive aggressive response or a combination of invalidation, gaslighting, and passive aggression.

[@aerofart]

With a narcissist, the sky is not blue, because you pointed out that it is.

[@DisturbedBurger]

Because they don't have an anger problem-they actually deploy anger accordingly. The problem is control, and how easy it is to threaten their need for it, and the more control they have over network/others and environment, the less temperamental they are. There is one constant across the entire NPD spectrum, and that is a narcissist's intention. They all have the same intention to worship, buttress, fuel and protect the integrity of their false sense of importance, righteousness and entitlement.

[@oxigenarian9763]

Doc - thanks to your tutelage, I keep in mind my three "I's": an origin of INSECURITY, INABILITY to take responsibility for their actions (aka lack of INTROSPECTION) and poor INTERNAL emotional controls (which leads to today's topic). Recently, it occurred to me that impatience is anger's little sister and a signal that the volcano is ready to blow... Kudos to you! Today's content is a DEAD-RINGER for the narcissist in my life! :)

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

So pleased for you!

[@milliesmith8202]

thankyou dr carter for all your amazing videos. am walking away from a 4 year relationship with a narcissist . he cannot understand why my visits are short and not interested in going out with him. after an hour or less in his company i feel drained like i'm wading through sludge. once upon a time i tried to verbally negotiate and explain but these people are totally not interested in others thoughts and feelings unless aligns with theirs. phew what an exhausting process on all levels. cheers from down under

[@Rainynight158]

Dr. C I can’t thank you enough for the wisdom and support you give us who are on the receiving end of the narcissist’s wrath. Today’s lesson was like listening to some of the exact words that have come out of their mouths. Thank you for helping me find strength and hope in a difficult situation. God bless. 🙏❤️

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

So pleased for you!

[@Pier77Tampa]

Anger is not a jail free card for lying about someone else. Getting out of the narcissist’s web takes time, and even longer to build robust safeguards and shields around us to never that happen again.

[@Infernapeclosecombat]

When I realized it’s a narc I started to behave accordingly what’s reasonable and natural. The narc could not take that with grace since I was not giving in to his wishes , he got in flames angry called me zero”, perhaps that was his conclusion on the fact that he is not getting anything . Insults followed called me a narc brought up my past. I blocked him .

[@dewuknowofHyMn]

My 2 grandaughters ashleigh and katy EXACTLY !!! 🤢🤢🤢🤮🤮🤮😰💔😥 NO CONTACT !!!! AVOID...AVOID...AVOID !!! These 2 granddaughters ....made up all kinds of lies about me and my family actually believes them... I'm alone.....I'm tired and weary ...tired of being nice and they can't be....tired of trying and getting stabbed in the back for it.. I'm SOOOO done.....no more...

[@jacquelinefroehle5868]

It's almost as if what a Narcissist defines happiness is purely their ARROGANCE.....and it doesn't last, so they need to keep pounding on their target and doing more and more evil to be arrogant people.

[@Hatbox948]

Why is the anger always directed at a spouse or child? Why don't narcissists take it out on other people?

[@caroleminke6116]

They do but you’re in the home & under control whereas the boss would fire them ASAP so go gray rock

[@amandaliverpool3374]

Or the child to a parent 😢

[@Hatbox948]

@@amandaliverpool3374 Right!

[@Texas-Idahoan]

They do take it out on others but the spouse is the first in line. 🥴

[@alyssahosking221]

13:49 13:49

[@Emmitt_Summers_3]

On point as always. I especially aligned with "what about love?" and "what about logic?". Thank you. A potential sidebar or future episode might be childhood trauma and other bonds. While these experiences do not make an excuse for the narcissist, it humanizes them. And, in some cases, at least in my experience ... opens the door to healing, grace, and mercy.

[@caroleminke6116]

Enmeshed with mother & never separated so no object constancy or whole object relations. That train left the station by 3 & it’s not coming back again

[@patrickglaser1560]

Ok calm down haddaway;)

[@justmyopinion3450]

I laugh and say, "Wow! I'm so powerful and you're so weak! You say I control you and make you angry! What a shame you're not strong enough to control your own emotions."

[@mosaic.owl.studios]

I've been the scapegoated family member in a narcissistic family system for about 20 years. I am having my own problem with anger. I feel ripped off. I can't experience any good memories of my family because all the memories/experiences are poisoned with something awful one of them said about me, and all the blame that I get (I'm not perfect, I make mistakes of course, but so does everyone and they always show each other forgiveness and understanding for their mistakes, while my mistakes are held against me for years and they make sure to remind me that I don't deserve to be fairly regarded because I'm always "such a problem for them"). For many years, I internalized these narratives that came from them, and I truly believed that I didn't deserve to be alive. Through years of therapy and hard work, I finally moved past feeling worthless and undeserving and learned how to love myself for who I am. But, I'm still really angry that they still scapegoat me and still keeping reminding me that "I'm such a big problem for them" and that I "don't deserve to be regarded equally" and that I don't deserve their love. I'm having trouble moving past the anger I feel at being robbed of a loving and accepting family.

[@stephennelson1687]

There’s probably that one person who’s rounded up the rest against you. That’s what happened here.

[@mosaic.owl.studios]

@@stephennelson1687 You're absolutely right about that

[@aerofart]

She wont even have a discussion with me anymore. She’ll just talk over me, ignore me, walk out of the room or call me all sorts of nasty names. I notice that one thing that sort of calms her down is when I tell her that she shouldn’t be taking out her anger on me. I can tell immediately when she comes home angry because the real world isn’t letting her get away with her bullshit. I stop her in her tracks pretty quickly by asking “Who p*issed in your tea today? Well, whoever it was, it wasn’t me, so go take it out on them.” She doesn’t even pretend to be nice anymore. I am well into the discard phase.

[@rickmaria9546]

Dr. C. you ask so many logical, excellent questions. However, the narc never thinks that deeply or long enough to answer them.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Unfortunately illogic becomes logical to them. Go figure.

[@chain8847]

I feel like I’ve struck gold. Thanks for your insights. Lots of love.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

You are so welcome!

[@lovelifeeverythinginbetween23]

Thank you for these helpful insights. I'd like to see more of how one can clear themselves from their narcissistic tendencies. It will be challenging since they tend not to look inward to start their healing process; however, there must be ways to get them to seek solutions to live their lives free from all the negative energy.

[@TreasureDeal]

When she started raising her voice is when I'd start saying ok, ok, ok. After a few of those, plus her volume kept going up., I'd just look at her and quietly say, "I'm not doing this anymore, " I'd turn and leave the room.

[@colindailley5062]

Nice to see Gus sleeping on the sofa, Les 😊

[@carolnahigian9518]

WoW; Dr C describes PERFECTLY

[@asdf9890]

Your videos make clear and perfect sense! Great stuff. I work with a narcissist that I've been trying to get away from for over a year now (find a new job). We recently had a team building exercise where we examine our strengths and weaknesses through answering how likely/unlikely you are to do certain things. This guy, he said "I have a buddy who does this kind of analysis and he told me it's a scam. I basically randomly answered the questions because it's a conspiracy". 🤦‍♂ Yet everyone else just laughs like, oh you're so silly James!! God, get me out of there!

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

That last line...Yep!

[@annettglass7290]

Bad behavior should never be rewarded.

[@Rachel-mz8ko]

Thank you for everything you have done in putting together this channel. It has completely changed the trajectory of my life. I have thanked you many times before as I have noticed various improvements in my well-being, but I can now appreciate how it has also changed the direction of my life. As per your recent videos-- they're turning into college level training on how to handle a narcissist. Thank you. (I'm not sure I can keep up. I'm going to have to go into college mode, I guess. 🙂)

[@GaryKlein-l6w]

I once sent my narcissist nephew a Happy Birthday e-mail. I got a page of abuse and accusations in response.

[@roxymovie3938]

The primary reason why Narcs do not let go of their anger is the fact that they do not want to examine themselves. The focus of their anger is always "out there" - it's inevitably someone else's fault, so that the focus lies on the wrong person. Their problem is a lack of coping skills. What does the anger of the Narc say? Some questions to ask the Narc: What does the anger say about... 1. ...your raw selfishness? 2. ...your constant feeling of victimization? 3. ...your obsessive need to be right? 4. ...your need for controlling? 5. Why are you threatened by others' freedom to choose? 6. How did you become so easily defensive? 7. Why do you always have to win? 8. Why do you have to destroy? 9. What do you hope to accomplish with meanness? 10. Why are you holding grudges/contempt? 11. Why are you being so forceful? 12. Why are you domineering over others? 13. Why does complexity trip you up so easily? 14. Do you have no compacity for analytical thinking? 15. Do you see the link between your anger and your inner pain? 16. What is inside you that makes you so susceptible? Be aware/ Basically the Narc is saying, 》 "I have no peace and no internal competence to draw upon." 》"Acceptance and tolerance feels like betrayal." 》"Coping depends on my perfect ideal fantasy." 》"My thinking is not grounded in reality." 》 "I have to have a domineering image." 》"I am a hurt child on the inside." 》》What does your anger tell you about you? 》》 Healthy anger can be resolved by reflecting on yourself and addressing things calmly and politely. 》》Do not be on the receiving end of unhealthy anger. Dr Carter 👨‍🦳 and Gus 🐶 thank you for another lesson full of insight 🌞🌟🌝🌈

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Great notes, Roxie!! Good to hear from you!!

[@roxymovie3938]

@@SurvivingNarcissism Thank you, Dr Carter. Hope you and your family are in good health.

[@amandaliverpool3374]

@@roxymovie3938 I agree with the doc 👍

[@roxymovie3938]

@@amandaliverpool3374 I am very sorry for the current situation you are in. Breath in and breath out. You can do this. He stepped over your boundaries and he has to carry the consequenses. Anyway, he himself is responsible for his behaviour and not you!!! Yes, it is a difficult age indeed. And what you wrote about his education tells me that he is doing "try and error". It's good to try things and realize that it does not work. For me the recent study subject sounds like a compromise. It would be more satisfaction for him if he would find a subject that really is in harmony with his inner interests and his being. I will pray for your situation 🙏🕊❤ Sending you lots of strength and thank you very much for your trust 💖🫂 P.S.: I tried to post this several times on your comment but it did not show up. I hope you will be able to see it now 🙏

[@amandaliverpool3374]

@roxymovie3938 KZbin can be a pain in the ass sometimes! Thanks, Roxy, for your kind words of support. I've even contemplated phoning his Dad 😳 who I've had no contact with since 2012. Not for advice, but if he could take him in. I know what he'd say, though. My son isn't even sorry. No remorse. Nothing. I'll talk to him and figure it out. He simply may have to leave. Thanks again. 💖🕊🙏

[@CarefulSteps1]

ahhh that lovely anger. it constantly rises up for no reason.... and it gets soooo old. reminds me of the peanut's character that had all that dust stuff swirl around him... like a black cloud. yep it's like living w/ a person who has a black cloud all around them. as for me, i've learned to pick my battles, just go to another room or some i stand my ground. what a life.

[@christophergrundy4424]

Thank you for this video - really helpful fir me in getting over my last relationship as I’m still a little stuck.

[@fokker34]

I never thought someone who formerly professed to love me can show so much hate. I put everything I had to making it work. She kept creating chaos and doing every thing on the narc checklist. It hurts.

[@andrewrees8749]

My ex Narsisist G.F had the worst temper and tantrums ive ever seen on anyone, she would just flip ...im free of her now

[@patriciareed3510]

Anger keeps them from being upfront and responsible to a healthy relationship, it’s a sabotage attempt to get out of dealing with their perceived problems. Their anger turns it around and blames you. Everything’s not okay with them so they have to make you wrong. They stay Pridefilled that way.

[@GaryKlein-l6w]

Lot of truth in this. I sent my narcisstic nephew a simple Happy Birthday. Hope you are Well e-mail. I got a pageful of abuse back.

[@lenka7776]

This is a very good advise , flip these tables !!! And don't be afraid you are becoming something bad yourself

[@kelkabot]

My brother is always looking for an excuse to lord it over others in high anger mode: someone who cuts him off in traffic, for example, he will tail until the person parks somewhere and then my brother will get out and let them have it. He controls his wife and child through anger, but not just any form of anger; he is constantly holding them hostage, in a sense, by telling them they're doing things wrong and letting him down. Ugly, ugly, ugly.

[@nonnazolli]

Greetings Dr. Carter, been listening now for several months and am finally writing to say thank you! for sharing your invaluable knowledge and insights and for all the good work you do in helping others. You have a wonderful way of presenting the information. My brother and I were raised by a narcissistic mother and he went on to marry someone just like her. After more than 30 years of being married to Cruella De Vil, I think he's finally on his way out. I've taken this opportunity to send him one of your videos to start him off and I'm hoping for the best. I have a feeling he'll connect with you. Thanks again and hugs and kisses to Gus, his presence is ever so comforting, bless him. Cheers

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Thanks, I hope your brother will get through this well.

[@nonnazolli]

@@SurvivingNarcissism Many thanks Dr. Carter, you are kind.

[@stevenbigbee1766]

My experiences with two male narcs that Switched instantly to narcissistic rage. Litterally a raging. Unboundaried six year old child. They looked like the Chucky doll with the knife. Wasnt spooked, just so interesting the power of ones brain. Instant back to normal with no awareness.

[@Arrtists]

This is incredibly insightful

[@cleaningtim]

Thank you Dr. Carter! Hello Gus! He seems to be such a sweet doggie!

[@sherry3935]

Go NO contact and see yourself grow. I want to have compassion for my sister only to protect my own heart. She’s a real covert narcissist, with a fair amount of sociopathic tendencies. Mean, smiles while hurting others. One pathetic soul.

[@duromusabc]

Their anger is full of projection and displacement because they dread self reflection

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Spot on.

[@brianmueller7913]

This is one of his best videos. He hits my problem dead on!

[@booradley9063]

The way I've identified narcissistic people in my life is by explaining something about how I feel or an opinion I have and they immediately say I don't make any sense or that I'm not using a certain word correctly or they say I'm wrong by the definition of something and I literally state feelings lol they can't handle anything real to the human experience and have to debate every single word ypu speak down to the definition of something trivial.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

You're onto it. That's their pervasive lack of empathy.

[@Minstrel_ofthe_Dawn]

My father left my mother for another woman 30 years ago and she has been filled with bitterness and anger ever since, she cannot let it go and never will. She's exactly what you described.

[@Alpinewild444]

Maybe your mothers anger is actually hurt. Betrayal is abuse and in Dante’s Inferno betrayal is the deepest sin/punishment, the 7th circle of hell. When people feel heard and validated that’s when healing begins. I obviously don’t know you or her, but I’ve been in a similar situation. Prayers for you both❤

[@peu1285]

My narc "Christian" mother who preaches forgiveness is still angry at my father - literally dances on his grave 26 years AFTER HIS DEATH - because how dare he leave her for another woman. I know it's wrong but now that I'm 60 I understand why, and feel sympathy for him.

[@kelkabot]

Literally dances on his grave? Like, goes to the cemetery and dances on the plot where he was buried?

[@Lovethebirds2024]

I’ve learned so much from these videos. This channel is a life saver😊

[@Terry-cg7kt]

I keep grappling with wether or not I'm a narcissist. Can you be one and not be overtly angry. When I was getting out of my last relationship I was all those things you are rattling off. I wanted to pummel em verbally but I never could. Why did I stay almost 2 decades?Fear ,not of them but fear of them hurting themself and not taking care of themself. I'm pretty sure I'm a hurt kid inside, I wanted this person to be my life partner, instead they acted like I was supposed to be their adoptive parent. The personal cost of this lopsided relationship got too much to bear I chose to live out the serenity prayer. But I still get caught up in worrying about how they are but I don't dare let them know that.

[@Rachel-mz8ko]

The fact that you are so concerned about them proves that you are not a narcissist. I feel deeply for your situation. I, too, took a compassionate approach to my narcissistic husband; and, I'm reminded of my daughter, who ended a brief but promising relationship because she didn't want to have to parent her husband. He was a perfect match in many ways. They had much in common. I'm not certain he was a narcissist, per se. But he had definitely been extremely sheltered and didn't know much of life. She, on the other hand, had a broad range of interests and was more outward focused. I hope Dr. C has some advice for you.