Why You Deactivate & What To Do? | Dismissive Avoidant & Fearful Avoidant Attachment

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Healthy and Secure Relationships with/for the Emotionally Unavailable Person (Dismissive Avoidant Re-programming Course)
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In this video, I talk about why dismissive avoidant and fearful avoidant attachment (disorganized attachment) types deactivate and what you should do.
Are you a dismissive avoidant or fearful avoidant who has left a relationship because your needs were not being met and if so, what could you have done better, if anything, to better communicate those needs?
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00:00:00 - Intro
00:00:42 - No Point in Communicating Needs
00:04:24 - 7-Day Free Trial Ad
00:05:15 - Step #1: Do Some Work Around Your Needs
00:05:33 - Step #2: Am I Clearly Communicating My Needs
00:06:28 - Step #3: Seeing Your Needs Through
00:07:56 - Seeing Results
00:09:11 - Conclusion
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I’m Thais Gibson, welcome to my channel, and thank you for stopping by!
This is a channel designed for you, to be used as a resource to create lasting transformation in your personal and professional life. Here you’ll receive an ongoing series of personal development and spiritual growth videos for you to expand your awareness and find resolution and deep understanding within.
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[@Mississippian]

What sucks is that it is a 2 fold problem 1. Can't begin to articulate what is going on inside because we're so used to neglecting ourself. 2. Can't convince ourself to talk about it because "what's the point". The subconscious deactivating looks like "oh, ABC happened, this upsets me because of DEF, but I don't want to bring it up because of GHI, even if I try to it's just going to cause JKL, the whole ordeal of this situation makes me feel MNO. It means I am XYZ. This is too complicated for someone to understand. There's no reason for them to have to deal with this. This person doesn't have the ability to sit with my stuff. I don't even want to talk about this. There's no point to this relationship.This person is all wrong for me and I have to get away".

[@vlst8715]

You're absolutely right, couldn't have put it better myself

[@krook527]

Epic! ❤

[@nellautumngirl]

I understand. It's all to protect ourselves. I'm AP but I have complicated thoughts like this 😓😄❤️

[@jonwilkinson3886]

Be brave. Be vulnerable! Courage & perseverance is the answer. Add a dose of faith & trust to the mix. 🫕

[@sarahstevenson8155]

Have you ever regretted it in hindsight?

[@ScottH7651]

this explains exactly what happened to my last relationship. I was shocked by her sudden exit when a simple request would have resolved everything. I noticed a shift in her attitude and asked her what was going on. Her answer was vague and I didn't know what to do and I had no idea she was already checked out. A few days later she broke up with me (the fight/flight mechanism was clearly visible). Yes, I wish she (and I) had seen this video before it all came crashing down. She was so obviously an FA. Her transformation from loving to completely withdrawn was blistering and head spinning. She treated me like I abused her (I adored and cherished her). And I was so head over heels for her in the beginning (and she was for me too). It's such a waste and a shame.

[@joeflores174]

Don’t beat yourself up over it, most of us here share a similar experience. I learned about attachment theory and sent my DA ex several videos months before she discarded me. She only watched a couple and said “I don’t think I am what you think I am”. She clearly displayed all signs of an avoidant but was unable to see it. She said “it sounds like it’s a lot of work to change and I’m not willing to go through that”. Doesn’t matter if you’re an expert in attachment, if your partner isn’t willing to do the work, the relationship is doomed.

[@sarahstevenson8155]

I wouldn't beat yourself up thinking that if you showed them the video everything would change. I thought that when it came to my first avoidant ex. In my relationship with my most recent avoidant ex, I was adamant about doing things differently than what had happened with the first. This time I had knowledge. I sent him two five minute videos in January, after 9 months of being together, on anxious/avoidant attachment and this was our text conversation: Him: "I just finished both those videos. I guess I really am having a hard time with it. Just doesn’t come natural for me." Me: "I know :/ it’s a survival tactic from childhood - the good news is as adults we can change them" "In what ways do you feel it doesn’t come naturally to you" Him: "Acknowledge of emotion" Me: "Is it something you’re interested in working on" Him: "I’m trying rn" "Just don’t naturally want to ya know" Me: "I know. It will feel uncomfortable but that’s because it would have been unsafe to do so when you were young" "Does it make you feel better at least that it’s a studied, solvable thing?" Him: "I guess it’s still just rough thoughts. I do not enjoy that stuff" Me: What stuff do you mean" ....... Two hours later......... Me: "I’ll give you space babe - I love you and I want to be with you. Goodnight 😘" ........The next day after not hearing from him, and me calling once at night with him not picking up..... Him: "I need a break, ur giving me anxiety." Me: "Okay, I understand" Never texted or called me again until a month and a half later when I texted him a closure text from a Thais video and asked when would work to exchange our belongings. He replied and only said, "I can meet tomorrow after 6." He was saying I love you to me, wanted me to move in and was wearing a wedding ring the day before he asked me for a break. Someone sending videos on it was the nail in the coffin??? Can any DA explain this.

[@happymood2278]

​@@sarahstevenson8155 that sounds very rough. I'm sorry! Just comfort yourself with the thought that you acted from a place of love. What your ex did had nothing to do with you, it was just too much for him.

[@sarahstevenson8155]

@@happymood2278 Thank you for the kind words - much appreciated

[@staciecook5217]

Are u s dismissive? Did she tell u what she needed clearly? Im sorry 😢

[@robsin7]

Literally how I feel right now, but since I know I’m FA I have been diligently fighting the urge not to leave the relationship. I can’t even trust if my reasons for wanting to leave are legitimate or it’s my stupid attachment style getting triggered.

[@garyarg]

I (fearful avoidant, FA) feel this comment so much. I am dating someone with some avoidant tendencies right now, which is extremely triggering to me. I want to just run away every day, but I don't trust myself to make that decision clearly. However, any time I bring up relationship issues, she actually listens and works through it with me, which tells me that my worry was 10% legitimate and 90% magnification by my FA reptile brain. At this point, I am committing to sticking with her as a chance to work on the dormant anxiety/emotions that our dynamic stirs up. I am learning a lot about myself, despite the pit I feel in my stomach every day, haha.

[@kristip7654]

@@garyarg I’m doing EXACTLY the same thing right now with this guy who I’m pretty sure is DA. But when I do communicate, he listens and when I ask for support, he shows up. Or….he did once. I see a lot of things he’s doing that I believe for him are big things and those are consistent. But to me, those things aren’t really filling the void and they aren’t giving me the level of reassurance I need. I’m struggling to see the line between understanding what he’s capable of and appreciating the effort vs making excuses and accepting less. It’s so hard not to bolt most days and I really don’t want to do that.

[@beyou2133]

This is so bloody relatable. I ended a potential relationship recently because my nervous system was so triggered that it couldn't handle the nerves and I felt like my space had been invaded (when it hadn't!). I have a lot of healing to do...

[@beyou2133]

@@garyarg How do you handle the pit in your stomach every day? I tried it and lasted two weeks. I don't know if I need to heal more with myself or sacrifice my mental health again, does it make you question if you like them enough too? How do you move past that? I am at a loss.

[@RitaP41]

@@beyou2133 therapy

[@Mandance]

Talking rarely helps. “Hey, I think I like you, but I also think maybe I don’t, and sometimes I want to move on from this but something makes me want to try and sometimes I don’t want you to touch me but other times I want you to, don’t come too close but don’t go away” yeah most people can’t handle that level of honesty

[@bethjay5225]

I have no idea how and when to communicate my needs because I was never "allowed" to have needs. Usually I just swallow everything and keep it inside. I have no guide to show me where the line is, and when I should say something. I never want to seem "needy."

[@sarahstevenson8155]

Same - being a burden is my biggest fear

[@zaram131]

Same.. and when the other person has their defensive wall up and doesnt care about your needs as much as they care about their own. There’s just no point in telling them any of it.

[@monicakeehn3052]

I actually did ask for my needs to be met several times and they're still not being met so I guess that's why I pull away. It was really difficult for me to ask and I don't want to keep putting put myself in the position we're have to keep asking over and over again because it's so vulnerable.FA here. Wish it was easier. 😢

[@mdmcpherson8574]

FA here and this lines up for me. I often regret ending the relationships down the line but continue the patterns anyway

[@RitaP41]

Something to work on

[@sherriflemming3218]

Repetition compulsion.

[@IamMonaOfficial]

This describes me pretty well. I grew up in a Caribbean American household, where children were to be seen and not heard. Having our emotional needs met was just not a priority in our household and pretty much in our Jamaican culture.

[@minervaowl8298]

Yep a lot of emotional neglect by my mother and father. Sometimes physically too.

[@dianaalvarado1451]

Thank you SO MUCH! You have no idea how incredibly helpful your content has been. I am just now realizing why I react and act the way I do in relationships. Having had to rely on myself only when I was younger has led me to fail to communicate, isolate and end relationships. But I am so EXCITED to continue putting these teachings into practice and see how much my life will improve. It’s like the fog is clearing - thank you

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

Amazing to hear! I am excited for you and this journey you're on with us :) Keep us posted! Thank you SO much for your kind donation!

[@howtosober]

As a healing FA, I just deactivated from a friendship of several years because she lobbed a bunch of shame and blame on me for struggling with my trauma-related disability and having a bunch of resulting crises. She effectively said "you brought it on yourself, your life is no one's responsibility but your own." After explaining my experience and limitations multiple times, this lack of understanding makes me not even want to bother working it out with her anymore. I seem to attract people that think my needs are an annoyance or a burden- or worse, not "real"- no matter how many times I advocate for myself. I need new friends.

[@nitacollins3645]

are you and INFP?

[@haileynekole]

I’ve dealt with this exactly and I alternate between and INFJ and INFP

[@thalittguru7697]

Well if you have made her feel responsible or burdened by your behavioral patterns that have effected her in a negative way on multiple occurrences, FA or not, you have to take accountability for how you showed up in that friendship. That's only if she's experienced hurt as result of your FA related triggers. Though you may have valid reasons for your actions, you don't get to dismiss how they hurt others, even if you didn't intend to hurt them. And they have the right to lash out as well. She's human with feelings too.❤

[@TMH792]

I understand this 100%! It’s the way the message is presented to us. I don’t think it’s ok to shame someone for their trauma and unfortunately so many don’t understand it. You just want to be heard and validated. We learn over time who is safe and who is not to open to. Unfortunately it’s a lot of trial and error until you get into therapy and rewire your trauma. Yes we are responsible for our healing, but we don’t need people shaming us more than we already do everyday all day our whole lives. I attracted the same people as well my whole life and that’s bc it’s familiar to us. Once I realized why am I surrounded by emotionally unavailable people and narcissistic people everywhere I thought it was everyone else. Thats was when I realized it was my trauma just attaching to the same people. Im doing this work now and it’s so difficult and painful, but I’m doing so much better. Healing is possible I promise! I used to hear that and think not me, tho! I hope you’re in a better place today and if not, just know you’re not alone in this at all! My heart broke when I read this bc I feel it! 💞

[@skyWalk02470]

You are not responsible for what you endured but it IS your responsibility to heal from it. Your friend was right.

[@ScottH7651]

Thais- I'd love to see you do a video on 500 Days of Summer.

[@spigney4623]

Its taken me years to learn that some problems in relationships are solvable. I still dont *feel* that its true, but i know it cognitively.

[@tricem.2123]

Im a FA and i have done this alot in friendships over the years to the point that i have lost all my friends. Now im so filled with shame and guilt. Its just i get triggered by things with ppl( usually a negative trait they show that i do not like) and my mind automatically says 'Leave'

[@RobMacDougall]

never fails ~ every time i visit KZbin i come across a Thais Talk ;) that literally speaks directly to something i'm struggling with at the moment ~ thank you again for all the work you and your team are doing ~ life giving work

[@LemonCups]

Timely as ever, Thais omg thank you for giving me this today. The avoidant impulse has been creeping up on me again and thanks to the work I've done and the things I've learned from you I've been able to manage it and am finally able to communicate what's bothering me clearly in a non destructive way and with an actual goal in mind. This video was EXACTLY what I needed thank you, you mind reading gem. No kidding a year ago I would've already ghosted this whole situation and not even understood why.

[@sarahstevenson8155]

Wow incredible work!!! 💜

[@asmallbitchybanana]

Its beautiful how you are aware of your avoidant tendencies and trying to improve on your love attachment style. Keep up the good work. I think recognizing how your behavior may hurt someone who loves you is always the first step to becoming s better person all through out. Carry on and keep it up. You should be truly proud of yourself.

[@LemonCups]

Thank you so much for the kind words

[@roshalllambert]

Love the video and healthy communication is such an important part of any relationship!!

[@sonjajetti]

I‘m a huge fan Thais! Your videos have been helping me SO much. Sending ❤

[@stevensantora2976]

Thank you so much.

[@rustyshimstock8653]

Thanks!. Very helpful.

[@ShimmerSoulSong]

My preference is to communicate and tend together, the areas of our dynamic that need to shift. Yep I'm FA poured into DA. And my former DA was trying. We were struggling before the pandemic and I didn't find you until just before the DA decided to ice me out for good. I printed 2 packets for DA. For the DA and for Repair any relationship. I tried to sit down with her and she got restless and wanted to walk outside and talk about bioscience. So the avoidance of vulnerability. They had been pulling away and making new friends and decided to cut me off to be with those friends where there had been no conflict. Anyway... I feel more seen and heard, understood by your videos than I have by anyone in person and that is good but also sad. People need so much work in communication. When my DA iced me out over and over, the last time I kept texting to communicate and they said that was disrespecting their boundary (shut down) and they didn't feel safe because I was attempting to talk and repair and they just kept wanting to "brood alone". So I guess they thought there was no point in trying new ways.

[@sarahstevenson8155]

This was my exact experience as well. When I tried to talk about how I felt or about the relationship, he would do anything to avoid (turn the music volume up, put the shh finger in front of my mouth, leave the room, immediately go to sleep or ask me why I was ruining our night). This was after I would calmly and gently attempt to bring things up so that I *would* never have resentment towards him. He could only talk about light topics and only had really two friends that also keep everything light and superficial. When I sent him two videos on the subject of avoidant/anxious he asked for a break the next day and then just never contacted again. After a month and a half I texted him to end it because just felt in limbo. This was after a 9 month relationship and he wanted me to move in.

[@imo.124]

Thanks! Always great videos!!

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

Your welcome! Thanks for your comment :)

[@drivesanoldcar]

Thanks!

[@ViviMark]

Great video, well done!

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

Thank you :)

[@ombra711]

Will definitely watch this, I've broken up with every ex from the beginning.

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

DAs! Does this resonate with you? Do these sound like helpful solutions?

[@fitnesswithwasif3995]

Every time i watch her video i feel like she knows me better than i know myself

[@pixiebomb28]

I've been feeling this way lately. Going through a breakup and need space (which i have communicated clearly) as everything just feels like too much work and too energy taking. Theres one friendship ive been considering ending because i'm just not sure that its right and not completely due to the breakup. However, i dont feel this way about any of the other friendships in my life so completely confused.

[@asmallbitchybanana]

I like your no eyeliner look under the eyes.

[@oliviab1912]

This sounds like an experience I've had before. I was a few months into a relationship and everything seemed to be going pretty well (I had never dated before then, so I had no reference), but he broke up with me very suddenly and unexpectedly. He said he saw me as a friend although he had told me he liked me and was clearly interested romantically. Several months later he explained the real reasons why-- they were very easily compromisable things and could have been solved with conversation had he brought them up. I was devastated.

[@alexisb.8965]

I definitely feel like they convince themselves they don't even have needs. And when they don't feel good about a relationship they tell themselves it's "not meant to be" instead of "this needs some work." Its so tempting as someone who started off AP is to try and pry it out of them - that just sinks the ship faster. It feels like a refusal to invest in the relationship and its very painful.

[@Versatile668]

Need to see how things go outside of social media with the person. How we make each other feel. I didn't end my relationship never even gotten outside of social media yet. Has to be outside of social media if the person wasn't BSING ME.

[@llgoulet74]

Your video has been hitting lately

[@Sam-zy7vj]

I’ve never felt as understood as I do when watching these videos 🙏

[@brianhill6842]

Do they just deny there were problems in their childhood? The guy I was getting to know said his childhood was fine. He seems to focus more on a past relationship than his childhood as being why he is the way he is. He had a former ex who committed suicide a year after they separated. He believes it was the best relationship he’s ever had yet he cheated on the guy in the first 6 months and then the ex had an affair before they separated. Now he carries guilt over the whole entire thing. When I’ve asked him about his childhood he says it was fine yet his dad remarried three times and his mom remarried four times. His dad drinks a lot and one of his brothers battles addiction. Yet…everything was fine? Do they just block it out?

[@edgreen8140]

Yep. Denial. When you ask about childhood and their giving you nothing. The lack of data usually points to denial and repression and in some cases the revision of history.

[@jackieschesnuk6669]

Yes, they block it out. Bojack Horseman has a great way of delivering the reality of telling everyone “My childhood was great” when mentally he’s having flashbacks of absolute garbage treatment and feeling like trash from said treatment. It could be speculated that they say that it ‘was great’ because they don’t want to be seen as weak/vulnerable/defective.

[@brianhill6842]

@@jackieschesnuk6669 I have always wondered. He’s telling me all these things about his family but then saying his childhood was normal. I asked him what was he like when he was a little kid and he just says he was quiet.

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

It's harder to recognize that they didn't have their emoitonal needs met, emotional attunement, closeness and connection.. A lot of avoidants had all their physical needs met (good schools, clothes, birthday's, trips, sports, entertainment, etc. etc..) So looking back nothing seems "trauamatic", like no abuse or anything bad to point to. It's not until later on when in relationships you can see the effect of not having caregivers who were emotionally attuned to them

[@brianhill6842]

@@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool his mom is very religious (yet remarried four times) and once said she just wanted to pray the gay away. Would that play into it? She was accepting of his ex but she would still say things like that. Not sure if you saw my initial comment.

[@Daimo83]

That was a great tip for everyone who gets mad at DA's: We don't know what love looks like to you. Stop getting mad.

[@RitaP41]

You can Ask.

[@audtasticgirl]

@@RitaP41right! Excuses. Just ask.

[@jessicamessica2271]

It's crazy how we all go through our lives thinking others minds are like ours

[@Daimo83]

Would a colour blind person ask what colour red is if he wasn't told colourblindness was a thing?

[@deb_diaries]

​​​​​​@@Daimo83Retired health professional here. Several studies have been done regarding colorblindness, and I had many patients that were colorblind. The interesting thing is that, when told they are colorblind, many colorblind people INSIST that they absolutely are NOT colorblind. They do NOT believe the health care provider that is delivering the news. They genuinely believe that they see the same way others do. In recent years, a pair of sophisticated goggles was developed that allow a colorblind person to actually see color the way the rest of the non-colorblind population does. When they put on the goggles, the colorblind people are shocked...but these goggles turn them into believers! Sadly, DAs and FAs are similar. They often think that they think and behave like people that have other styles of attachment. They don't, yet they INSIST that they do -- and they often end up blaming their partners and claiming that their partners are the problem. They often don't get the therapy they need because they don't perceive themselves to be the problem. This is an unfortunate dynamic because a well-meaning partner gets discarded for pointing out a legitimate problem and encouraging the DA or FA to get therapy and heal. Vicious cycle.

[@krook527]

Great video as always, Thais! Is it possible that someone losing their father at a young age and having a bunch of people at home to take care of can make them a DA in adult life? Like their primary responsibility in life is to protect and support the family..in adulthood no boundaries with family but very rigid boundaries in romantic relationships..

[@Dogscatsbikes]

I was dating a DA who was abandoned by his father and mother was an addict. He had to take care of himself, and his two younger brothers, and became hyper independent as an adult.

[@krook527]

@@Dogscatsbikes that independence itself is such a draw in the dating phase isn’t it? But that becomes the pain point later?

[@Dogscatsbikes]

@@krook527 oh my goodness yes it’s a draw because they are the opposite of clingy and needy but then I found myself trying too hard to prove to him I wasn’t after his freedom/independence. That didn’t feel too good. It also bothered me when he wouldn’t accept my offer to help after his knee surgery. You can see why being hyper independent is not healthy and is a result of trauma.

[@sarahstevenson8155]

That's such an interesting observation. My ex had NO boundaries with his parents. They would just show up unannounced all of the time. He would tell them things he needed (like a dog leash, sponges, new broom, basically anything) and his parents would go to yard sales and deliver him what he wanted weekly. He would go over to their house 3-4 days/nights a week to eat their food and they treated him to breakfast every Sunday. Only when we started dating did I bring up we should treat them every few times as well. He closed down in front of them sometimes because they really had to pull teeth to get information out of him. Even so, he didn't have any rigid boundaries with them - kind of a soft close. With me, sometimes it felt like his boundaries were so strong I was the antichrist or something. It felt like so much anger was surging through his veins and would come out in passive aggressive ways when I was in the way, or communicating needs or emotions.

[@thrivingstar]

@ksan15 100%. No father figure plus being responsible for their whole family can drain them and make them distant in romantic relationships. Men specially.

[@mundomasha]

What happens when my partner’s need meets my boundary? 😢

[@mirandaread5447]

My ex who’s a bit FA and me AP split two months ago I begged for him to not just shut me out at the time of the breakup but he wasn’t wanting to talk about it at all kept just saying it wasn’t recoverable even tho nothing bad ever happened we just needed to communicate better I tried an accountability letter after a month of no contact and then did another month with nothing being said by them I them messaged them about my car they wouldn’t open the message for days but did view my story that day and saw I had a car crash, must have told their friend because they viewed my story too both people aren’t following me so was out of character. Eventually days later opened the message still no response. We had a great relationship and he was super keen on working long term but I triggered him and caused the end of the relationship because of my insecurities but now he’s shut me out completely what can I do ?

[@mirandaread5447]

I’ve in the last two months done therapy to heel from past relationship wounds I’ve taken myself on holiday tried to love myself lost a lot of weight and really just focussed on me. But he won’t see this if I’m shut out and I know that we were really compatible and happy other than this communicating issue that only showed up at the end

[@Unxpekted]

Don’t feel bad, similar situation I’m a DA and she was an FA. She asked me to remove a few girls from my IG account and didn’t take it serious and then unrealistically asked me to sign a lease in her state in 3 days with no car or help from her. Needless to say because neither happened she called off our beautiful 7 YEAR relationship. We were at the finish line and she didn’t know but I was ring shopping 😢

[@RitaP41]

@@Unxpekted and you just Gave Up?? Soinds like you didn't want her bad enough.

[@Unxpekted]

@@RitaP41 Rita what can I do? She left me. My only thoughts are I could move to her city (VA to LA). Coast to coast, put my work on the line, leave my Dad in his older sick days, my new nephew and niece, and everything I know in DC/VA just got the chance that she MAY be open to seeing me again?

[@FM-zg5hz]

Any update? What ended up happening?

[@brettwood8379]

Any advice on sharing your videos with a partner in a tactful way? It's wild how accurately you describe my partner

[@sarahstevenson8155]

I could not figure this out and sending the videos ended my relationship

[@brettwood8379]

@@sarahstevenson8155 aww:( avoidants can be incredibly difficult

[@Sarafara7]

I wouldn’t share the video but maybe start bringing up this topic here and there. Talk about your personal growth and what you’ve learned. You know? Be causal about it.

[@katec9893]

I would focus on your own attachment style and ask yourself why you're choosing emotionally unavailable partners rather than focusing on your partner's attachment style.

[@sarahstevenson8155]

@@katec9893 they don’t seem that way for the first 4-5 months and then you are attached. I’m not super emotionally available with people when I first meet them - it takes me like 3-4 months to bond and want to share intimately with them. Then you realize they shut down when you do that. Then you want to break up but you express and give a chance and they say they want to work on it. Then never do and it gets worse but you still love them. It’s terrible.

[@joygibbons5482]

My “needs” are nobody else’s f***ing business. I’m an adult and can take care of myself. Keeping other creepy people away is a source of deep joy.

[@kabeeradil138]

I want to show these videos to my gf but I don't want her to feel like I want to force her to change. I think it'd be great for both of us but I don't know how to introduce them to her. Any ideas?

[@Iamsettlingintowealth]

If she’s avoidant the safest way is to do your own attachment style work and share what you’re doing and what you learned about yourself in hopes she may get curious because she’s seeing your changes. If you send the videos just out of the blue it’s a message that she is defective which will hit one of the core wounds of avoidants. Even when an avoidant asks I still couch the principles in terms of what I’ve learned and grown from. A lot of people have ended their relationship by sending these videos to their avoidant partners

[@sarahstevenson8155]

@@Iamsettlingintowealth that’s exactly what happened to me. I sent the videos and he asked for a break the next day, then never spoke for a month and a half so I ended it. I wish I had known about this “defective” core wound beforehand. I just don’t have that and am open to learning about all things about myself so it’s hard to relate to.

[@yellowtheresunshine]

What are the needs of a DA from their relationship partner?

[@Flayora]

Watch her videos on DA needs. I think you can just search Thais Gibson “DA Relationship Needs” extremely informative

[@msiryn9151]

Space Ps:without them asking for it (like gals don’t ask men for flowers but would appreciate when given to them as an act of love from thoughtful ness ) u just gotta learn to regulate ur time and get busy outside the relationship enjoy ur hobbies ,make time for ur friends (they will admire this about u so much) They pull away out of discomfort and stress (Unfortunately they don’t have capacity to ease into difficult situations and over thinking ) U give them space to enjoy ur life (they Realy admire this coz it’s the opposite with them ) they worry a lot and hold in a lot fighting with in so they choose space to feel all that without interference from some one expecting them to add to them /interacting . Once u understand how to regulate how much time u require from them u will be their favorite. U need a lot of hobbies ,friends ,family to survive these kind of relationships unfortunately once u have all that u wouldn’t want the DA anymore 😃 DA are good humans just so selfish to share their lives /time with others that’s why they don’t Realy have as much friends/ nature relationships . (They just don’t know how to genuinely share one’s time with others and enjoy it so when they do it’s usually exhausting for them even when they would like they just can’t )

[@sarahstevenson8155]

​@@msiryn9151 lmao all that needs to be said. I would say also comfort, low maintenance, ease, harmony, an "ignorance is bliss" mentality, stability, a love of food, material comforts and the same tools the DA uses to space out and avoid.. aka my ex wanted to watch 2-3 movies a night and if we traveled he would need to go home and watch a movie and space out every 4-5 hours or so. He also smoked two blunts a day and more on the weekends. If you didn't want to be high or constantly watch movies, you couldn't hang out with him - as he only wants to be in his comfort zone. Being in that comfort zone also involved not bringing up any relationship issues or needs as they were seen as criticisms or a threat to "having a good, peaceful time."

[@0Demiyah0]

safety, comfort, appreciation, intellectually stimulating conversation, a couple shared hobbies, etc.

[@Sam-zy7vj]

@@sarahstevenson8155 this. My ex was always emphasizing “inner peace” and would get highly irritated if anyone tried to talk to him about what was stressing them out or bothering them

[@Karina_Engr]

With the good guys,I feel “relationshipped out” and the other person has so far to come to meet me half way. A ⏲️ goes off and then I’m cooked/done. I can’t do any more in the relationship. 😮‍💨 For the other guys, I end it if they yell at me, threaten me, is overly critical, drug addicts, etc. There’s no coming back from that.

[@titos6799]

Why is that you feel relationshiped out? Is it something you regret when you break it off?

[@costcoexecutivemember]

Wish my ex had seen this, sigh.

[@sarahstevenson8155]

your youtube name is amazing

[@jackieschesnuk6669]

What love language is sexting most associated with?

[@edgreen8140]

F60.81 npd vulnerable, somatic type probably dismissive avoidant. Dismiss everyone to act like they are so much better. Grandiose are usually anxious preoccupied but not always. In response to the sexting question. Although promiscuous bpd is possible also. Things don't always fit so nicely.

[@loverofbeautifulthings]

I think it's a way for DAs to feel "wanted" without having to actually get close to someone. (or to get off without having to get close) Much like their porn use.

[@jackieschesnuk6669]

@@loverofbeautifulthings thank you. I had similar thoughts.

[@jackieschesnuk6669]

@@edgreen8140 what is F60.81 ? And how is a ‘Vunerable Somatic Narcissist’ different from BPD?

[@0Demiyah0]

​@@edgreen8140 oh, I have a couple of scientific peer-reviewed resources that postulate that the correlation between NPD and attachment style is that AP correlate to covert/vulnerable narcissist and DA with grandiose narcissist. All the articles I ever read on this topic find stronger connections between AP and narcissism and weaker connections between DA and narcissism. This also seems logical to me when you take into consideration aspects of need for validation and entitlement.

[@lifecoachingtoronto]

The FA pattern is all one sided, interesting

[@Unxpekted]

Yep, can’t see how they were neglecting there partner.

[@lifecoachingtoronto]

@@Unxpekted How do you think FAs neglect their partner?

[@Unxpekted]

@@lifecoachingtoronto in my case we were long distance and she said it made her resentful so she withheld love and visiting me in my city. Regardless I’m heart broken. 7 year relationship over. I def played my part and continue to beat myself up over it.

[@lifecoachingtoronto]

@@Unxpekted Were you running the FA pattern or her?

[@Unxpekted]

@@lifecoachingtoronto I was initially the DA according to her. No clinical therapist or psychologist diagnosed this. It was an extremely complicated relationship but nonetheless a confusing one. We did have some success in couples therapy which I should have continued but stopped going to with her. In person we were mostly great. But overall the periods of long distance (seeing each other for a few days every three months caused a lot of mundane repetitive cycles). I went through being alone during the pandemic and didn’t see her for six months, to almost losing my dad, his health deteriorated for good, extremely challenging career change, becoming an uncle for the first time, and she couldn’t be there for me. She even admitting during our break up convo “I withheld love the last two years and didn’t visit you in your city because I resented the fact you hadn’t gotten me a ring”. It was all bad. And somehow I still mostly blame myself for the failure but now I’m just trying to focus more on healing. I told her we could find a way to resolve things but she insisted not. She called things off because she gave me a three day ultimatum to sign a lease in between work trips while all the other family stuff I had going above was going on. Like I said, a huge mess.

[@annepreston114]

I love this channel but I'm going to have to break up and unsubcribe 😅 it's helped me so much but holy cow, the comment section... can't even interact on here without getting your head bit off! Came here for community, leaving for my mental health ✌🏻

[@avrilstacy3133]

Maybe your a lesbian? Maybe your not fearful or avoidant your just a lesbian.

[@davidisrael9412]

your add on here is too complicated with too big words. same here too. If you are not attached to Jesus in forgiveness and friendship, no other person can take His place. He teaches us to truly love ourselves, and we cannot love anyone more than we love ourselves. Bible love others as you love yourself...just my take on this. Works for me and for millions that know Him too.