Why Do INFJs Never Feel Good Enough?

INFJs never feel good enough, and this is a huge problem for anyone of the INFJ personality type. This belief of never being good enough is always underneath the surface. It’s a background program that is always running in our subconscious and it drives many of our life choices and behaviors, pushing us to become an INFJ over-achiever, or an INFJ people-pleaser, or causing us to struggle with workaholism.
We also become compulsive accommodators as we try to meet everyone else’s needs but our own. All of these dysfunctional behaviors cause us to end up burned out and increase INFJ low self-worth. Then we make more bad lifestyle choices and keep the cycle going.
This is all because INFJs never feel good enough, and this ultimately comes from childhood when we lived with a narcissistic parent, or we lived with a negligent parent. We were taught to earn our self-worth by pleasing others, and so we formed a behavioral model at that time that carries into the present.
This is why many INFJs carry toxic beliefs such as “I only have worth if I am useful to others,” or, “I only have worth if others approve of me.” We also tend to believe that loving someone means that we are responsible for managing their feelings for them, or processing their energy for them.
This behavioral model for INFJs is deeply entrenched, subconscious, and rooted in fear. There is a way to break the pattern though, and that’s what this video reveals.
Subscribe to Lauren’s newsletter!
laurensapala.com/newsletter/

[@LaurenSapalaINFJ]

Subscribe to Lauren’s newsletter and get a free book for highly sensitive writers: laurensapala.com/newsletter/

[@dallasfluff3347]

You are very good at what you do. Never let the algorithm tell you different

[@Wilcosach]

I was about to comment the same thing before i read your comment.

[@sherricannon9407]

This comment sums it all up. 🙏

[@garywayne1257]

Got it. So, basically the three things she recommended are all fairly passive. 1. Observe 2. Do NOT react 3. Return the negative energy Thank you!

[@leroyc179]

As an INFJ one of the most difficult lessons learned was knowing when to not react but to instead respond and when to not respond at all but to know when to keep my mouth shut and simply observe and take mental notes and store them away. These things drive a manipulator bonkers.

[@wacubby]

@leroyc179. Gosh, I just said nearly the same words to myself about 10 min ago - prior to seeing this video. Thank you for sharing your comment. 😃

[@leroyc179]

@@wacubby I'm glad you found it helpful👍

[@yukio_saito]

I realized it's a bad idea to overachieve or overhelp. People around me become wanting more and more even if I've already had enough. Let them struggle with things so that they can learn the hard way. Their problems are theirs.

[@warrenmoon7709]

💯💯💯💯

[@leevirginia8671]

I am too aware that I am not good enough. I am too aware that I survive as a chameleon. I am too aware that I hide, I over work, over eat, over commit. And that it's my fault. I know this. Why can't i stop caring about those that are actually hurting and betraying me?

[@johnmichaelrichards]

My parents divorced when I was 4. I never saw my dad. My mother wasn't narcissistic but suffered chronic I'll health both physically and mentally. I looked after her from age 8. I cared not inform Social Services as I feared being returned to the convent children's home where I had been tortured and mentally and sexually abused y a nun from age 4 to 5. I never felt I belonged and was always afraid of isolation and abandonment. I'm 61 now and still coping with those mental scars. In life and work I over achieved but never felt I was good enough. I eventually got burn out and became unable to work. Self-fulfilling prophecy.

[@YackaSleep]

Bless you Man. It’s terrible what you’ve been through. All you did was be born. None of those things were your fault

[@Ideasandspirit]

INFJ personality seems connected to cptsd, and maybe some bpd traits. I'm an INFJ, and I'm convinced these are things that I've been struggling with.

[@martingd777]

THIS!! ✨🙌🏼

[@billyb4790]

I think mbti is strictly supposed to be hereditary. However I think INDJs are highly vulnerable to CPTSD and other traumas.

[@Taurusboy07]

OMG. This is me. I am struggling financially yet I work more than the average person. Sometimes 18 hours straight. I can also identify everything else.

[@73astoria]

This really resonated with me. I was a class act workaholic. Though honored as a teacher, I still felt less then. After my collapse and quitting my career I ended up in many volunteer positions. Some of them I created. I felt like I needed to be doing art day and night. Minister to the grieving day and night. Whatever I did it had to be all the time even in offices in church. I used to come home so exhausted I couldn't get out of bed. That turned into caring for mom day and night for 10 years which turned out after my collapse to being PR for a speaker and working day and night for him. I never got the memo that I was killing myself. Then helping animals day and night. I feel like a 90 year old 70 year old. Now I know why. To do a little of something never felt good to me. Your presentation explained it all.

[@user-vz5yv6ne1g]

I love this, to return the energy to its rightful owners❤🙏 I soak up so much negative energy and it has become toxic. Thank you.

[@aquariusstar7248]

I really get frustrated with myself for this habit. This was so spot on. I have been paying attention. I just get excited about doing new things or opportunities to get experience but when I overextend I can get grouchy really fast. As of next month, I am letting go of at least 2 activities I volunteered to do at work. And I am proud of myself for declining two other opportunities outside work. None of this stuff pays and requires work and commitment. I realized 1) I needed to learn how to say "thank you for the opportunity, but no thank you", and 2) these things have been and would take me farther away from building my biz, my "me" time for recreation and self-care.❤ when you are burned out, nobody cares. You just get a pat on the back and ppl say "Good job, keep going."

[@DearYoungerSelf111]

Well said ❤

[@kjweldon6004]

I am a classic INFJ. I feel great about myself.

[@billyb4790]

Is that really what’s considered classic? I figure it’s more of a novelty 🤷‍♂️ 😂

[@dawndurfey9225]

Lauren, you’re so helpful! Again, this is so relatable! I will practice not responding, but I do feel like I do it to show I care. I feel like it will seem like I do not “care” if I don’t react to what’s happening in front of me. And then, I won’t seem like “me”. Oh gosh, does that mean my identity is wrapped around helping others? How does one define an identity anyway? Oh, dear. Spiraling. A situation that popped to mind was helping someone do something for a group need and sensing frustration so I hopped to doing whatever I could to please the person and keep the peace for the time being. I actually feel triumphant when I can contribute to making some thing stressful become something lighthearted. Thank you!

[@Candyliz2003]

Narcissistic mother (victim, pregnant with me at 17), violent, alcoholic father. I've always wondered whether my INFJ traits and behaviors were a result of my childhood or if they're innate. Nature vs Nurture. It's interesting, I used to hate how my emotions -- really, my overwhelming empathy -- would overtake me in "situations". It was often too much. BUT -- since discovering that I'm INFJ it's life I found the key, the instruction manual to my heart-and-brain network. I'm learning the LANGUAGE necessary to be the operator.

[@siegeheavenly3601]

Seems like the solution for us INFJs is to cease being INFJs.

[@sherricannon9407]

Epiphany upon epiphany. Thank you for the challenging personal work you’ve clearly done, Lauren, and then more thanks for linking arms with all INFJs and helping us understand our complex selves. I’m incredibly grateful to have found you🙏

[@ScottieBeanZ]

You are so beautifully articulate, Lauren! You are changing my life every day, thank you so much for your!!

[@jbferguson1884]

Wow, INFJs and INFPs are so similar. This all applies to me as an INFP.

[@OneThousandHomoDJs]

For any INFJs who would be interested in strengthening your intuition (as well as feed your creative side), I recommend getting into an improv group. Ideally, before you get too old; I barely made it, in my late 30s. Learning to trust your instincts and being forced to act in the moment are skills that everyone could use, tbh.

[@jessicachateau2565]

This is exactly how I have felt all my life and have been identifying with this song lately: kzbin.info/www/bejne/rWGvhKN8YtKHptE It wasn’t until I got into a fight with my mom last week that I finally separated myself and just “exist” with her. I’ve always been very open and transparent with my feeling and thoughts with her and my brother, but it was always to my detriment since they’d use it against me or get upset w/me, leaving me to feel horrible for ever expressing myself. So since the fight, I’ve been in observing mode and way less reactive. She keeps trying to engage and seek an emotional response out of me, but I’ve been denying her on all fronts. Of course I can sense her upset but I know it’s not mine and haven’t absorbed it, so I’ve been feeling lighter and much happier. I understand it will take continually practice and I’m all in b/c I’m seeing & feeling the immediate results. I greatly appreciate these tips, especially the third since I haven’t known what to do with the unwanted energy I do absorb. Thank you SO much for making this video as it was extremely helpful, Lauren!!

[@khanihlongwane5995]

Oh my!! I love you ma'am from wherever you are. I had no idea this is a reality. Thank you so much for sharing this. You just fed peace and calm to my soul🙏🙏🙏😘😘😘

[@Heather.C.ButterflySage]

5:06 Yes, big life problem they were dealing with. This is the most compassionate language I’ve heard around this topic.

[@paulcoleman1137]

This is exactly the cycle I have gone through at Work. Take on so much then break then either leave / take time off for my mental health, then go back and then the cycle begins.

[@gracelion]

Great talk!! Thank you 😁

[@BeStillandKnow0000]

thank you for the insights!!

[@moonmaiden13]

You are so insightful.

[@Sophia-yo9rp]

Gosh, I now understand so much. Thank you.

[@mr.goodwrench8273]

I like this video. The whole observe and not react mindset is currently something that I have been practicing lately. It works. Thank you and I look forward to your next video.

[@aprildamski8365]

Very helpful information. Thank you!

[@ArtisticMysticSoul]

Oh my. You just described my life. Spot. On.

[@sujata_155]

Omg I really needed this because am totally burnt out

[@DanSan11]

This really hits home! Having a neglectful, hands off narc father and older narc brother (both mechanical geniuses), it was easy to not measure up to that. Neither were good roles models, and were very abusive. I grew up with 'I'm not good enough' and 'I don't matter'. You learn to do what's called parenting your inner child, which means guiding yourself, and growing up very independent, and self-sufficient. But now I say from my heart: We all matter! We're all good enough! We're all unique and unrepeatable! We're all spiritually equal! ❤

[@wacubby]

Thank you so much for this message, Lauren. I came to this conclusion just a few minutes ago (let's hope I can continually execute my plan )....so thankful to have found your video to back up what my senses were telling me. Burn out is a real thing - but seems to sneak up very quietly and then you get the BOO! Scary - and for a long time, I would have "cocoon" nights...they would help, but you're right...the cycle repeats. ❤

[@EpicWarDog]

You and your videos are a gift from God. Thank you!

[@warrenmoon7709]

Thank you

[@Reindeer911]

Wow, you nailed it with this video. I had a mother that was both a narcissist and an alcoholic. My dad traveled for his job about half the time, and even when he was home he had little time for the rest of the family. So yeah, I was an only child and I pretty much had to raise myself. Everything else you describe about the INFJ never feeling "good enough" is right on the mark. I wonder if that is why I have developed the physical disabilities I have, from pushing myself so hard and beating myself up over little mistakes? Regardless, it makes a lot of sense.

[@billyb4790]

Am I the only Infj who can’t identify with being an overachiever? I bowed out from day one because I felt like it was pointless.

[@harvey4557]

So you are stating there's a correlation between fearful avoidant attachment and the INFJ personality type? Because what you said about the narcissistic or neglectful parent and the INFJ reaction to it sounds exactly like the fearful avoidant attachment style.

[@avinatoora]

I think it's related. I have been in relationships with INFJs, and they show fearful avoidant behaviours.

[@kacake]

Because no one is good enough, coz people aren't perfect. We just try to do good when there is an opportunity, not for personal ambition, but for greater good. I am now balanced, I save my energy just for important matters or people who think I matter without me doing anything. True, my father is negligent and my mom is a narcissist. I learned not to respond just showing I respect my boundary they just get the message and not bother me, silence is the best 😂 it's like you start d negative energy you finish it it's not mine. If its my negative energy, i also just take time to process and talk about it when im calm.

[@ryanbarker3978]

The root is that your primary caregiver failed you and the world put you in the most unfair and unjust position possible. Basically the not good enough feeling leading to the people pleasing and overachieving is reflective of everything wrong with narcissistic parenting. Mom and/or Dad will never take responsibility for your failure, and other adults generally avoid you for being "too much" if you try to communicate it. It's the worst possible position for your self worth to be in. It's basically ACEs stunting the development of a young adult, and somebody in this position is completely empathy starved. Their understanding of empathy or love is the empathy or love they have had to generate for themselves as a survival strategy which is not the same as receiving those things from other healthy people. Throw something like autism or neurodivergence on top of it all and it is pretty much the most emotionally isolating position a person can be in.

[@EpicWarDog]

My parents were amazing . What if it isn't a parent?

[@naamanpratt]

💫

[@steviegwhizz345]

I'm an INFJ, my astrology chart has Venus opposite Saturn. Venus opposite or square to Saturn in someone's chart often brings feelings of inadequacy and low self worth and a struggle to find love as a recurrent theme, I'd be interested to know if any other INFJs or Ps know if they have the same aspect in their astrology chart? These feelings can be overcome with work and self love.

[@warrenmoon7709]

💯💯💯👍

[@hurtjonnegut]

Volume, PLEASE!

[@wistariawhispers937]

agree. I have to put on ear buds to hear.

[@warrenmoon7709]

Me

[@stevemiller8895]

I think most of what you're talking about is actually natural in the infj however it seems as if all infjs at least the ones that I know including my daughter come from a very similar background to what you're explaining it's as if the infj is supposed to be in relationships like that and I'm very perplexed by that statement.

[@tr3saved]

Could also just ground away the energy you picked up too

[@almondmilksoda]

Yes! This is a big one. You don't have to carry anything that isn't yours (let alone process it). That's not your work. Send it back down to the Earth to be recycled! ♻️

[@tr3saved]

@@almondmilksoda very well articulated 🙂

[@christianusmc08]

🥲

[@walecznypegaz3584]

Can't you summarize it shorter?Can't you summarize it shorter?