Because some unfaithful spouses are actually narcissist that blameshift, gaslight and use victim mentality to make a person feel guilty and stay in the relationship only to strike again. They love when the other sufferers.
@kimi77332 жыл бұрын
This resonated so much with me. Self love is key for both parties. I being the betrayed spouse found myself so devastated when learning of the affair. It at first was hard to see that my spouse's actions were saying for me to just get over it although he was saying he was saying he was willing to work on our marriage and said he loves me. Actions speak volumes! Four months after D day and now we are unfortunately filing for divorce. We went thru two couples therapy sessions. He blamed me for him having the affair. I'm still in individual therapy, he did not go back for his individual therapy after having his first session. Took me a little time to realize he made a choice beyond my control and that it was not my fault for his decision. The divorce is not the outcome I had wanted but I realize I deserve so much more in a relationship and until he heals what trauma he holds inside what love and marriage we had can not be. I gave it to God and am on the path for my own recovery, rewriting my story, a new chapter of my life going forward. Thank you for the videos and for sharing your experience!
@MrsPFenzel9 ай бұрын
Thank you Samuel. Love your videos. Perfectly said!
@LutherPittman2 жыл бұрын
This is not a mistake. Mistake is a misunderstanding and wrong action. Adultery is a Sin and that is why people feel like it is life threatening.
@SirFrancescoGalli2 жыл бұрын
My unfaithful spouse was all three. When I expressed my anger as a result of not feeling safe around her, she continued making it all about her, making me understand that she had no clue what she had caused and how to deal with the consequences. She kept saying that she was the one feeling unsafe because of the human reactions in me that SHE had caused. Self-shame and mental stress made her retreat, tending solely to her own heart. This, of course, in my already devastated mind, meant exactly what Samuel said: “you’re not important, I don’t care about how much I’ve devastated you, this is something you made me do and I’m entitled to pursue it”. Then, she played the belittlement card, again saying precisely what Samuel said: “get over it”. And finally, like Samuel pointed out, she never owned it, she dismissed the consequences of her actions because she got exactly what she wanted: a divorce. So, for her, it was easy to not feel accountable, but so easy to feel entitled. Infidelity is never a mistake, but a series of cold and calculated choices which, consciously or unconsciously, devastate the victim, the betrayed spouse. Walking away is always the best option, in my opinion. Reconciliation is just postponing your healing because while you’re with your abuser, you’ll never get a chance at healing, if there’s any at all.
@JohnnyJitsu112 жыл бұрын
Wishing you happy healing my brother
@lakelady77932 жыл бұрын
Starting to agree with your perspective. The unfaithful rarely takes responsibility on their end and tries to find comfort by blame shifting. After all they were the weaker vessel anyway.
@SirFrancescoGalli2 жыл бұрын
@@JohnnyJitsu11 Thank you. You too.
@aug07broken2 жыл бұрын
@@SirFrancescoGalli that last part is so true, isn’t it!
@jasonhudson2929 Жыл бұрын
Yep, that's what's happening to me right now. It's my fault and my reactions are being displayed to the family and affair partner as being maladaptive. I run to get away from that blameshift.
@offroadchixrule2 жыл бұрын
Yes, Yes, Yes!! I’ve spent the last 4 yrs enduring all of this abusive behavior. He refused to believe his many years of betrayal actions traumatized me. Retreat, pull away, blameshifting, entitlements, explosive verbal abuse, emotional and psychological abuse. He’s finally leaning into ACE and processing his emotions and severe negativity. I only hope his psychological recovery efforts are genuine and not to simply lure me into coming back.
@lakelady77932 жыл бұрын
This is my husband too. It’ll be six yrs in sept trying to reconcile
@samshealingpodcast2 жыл бұрын
i'm so glad the video helped. you can heal my friend and you can find you again in all this rubble. proud of you.
@pleadfive6582 жыл бұрын
Thank you for this talk. As the betrayed I have discovered huge amounts of childhood trauma that I have carried with me through out a 35 yr marriage.
@samshealingpodcast2 жыл бұрын
i'm so sorry for that but so glad you're seeing it and how it can be a pathway towards healing for yourself. I get it totally.
@queenofwater87837 ай бұрын
The anger and blame towards me that he exhibited towards me, both before and after I found out about the affair, blew my mind! Sooooo painful!
@ph10wed3 ай бұрын
I bet. They are cowards, who cannot 12:38 own anything which makes them own their actions due to their precious ego being ruined because they have such low self image
@melinatedvessel68402 жыл бұрын
I would assume its because they hold others accountable for their emotions happiness etc. But we full grown adults know that it's just not the case.
@Elsaleticia2 жыл бұрын
I agree. I think it begins with the unfaithful by making a commitment to learn how to respect his betrayed partner. I mean, would he have cheated if he had been respectful of his partner in the first place? When the unfaithful reacts in an unhealthy way to her emoting, he adds insult to injury and shows a lack of respect for her and her process. It is mistreatment when he blames her and/or his past, but in reality, it is more a matter of choice as to how he reacts to her while she is emoting. If he is fully committed to change, then he will respectfully view it as a gift that she is giving him a chance to change his life and the way he treats her. Hiding behind the trauma of childhood is just scapegoating.
@ph10wed3 ай бұрын
I can see massive issues from my unfaithful ex which she would never own and blamed me for. Even sent me to therapy. Which is always helpful
@wb1340Ай бұрын
Around 5m45s you say the betrayer made a mistake. They did not make a mistake, they made a choice
@MightyMolgar872 жыл бұрын
Hey Sam, and the AR team. The work you guys do to give advice and stories and lessons to all those going through recovery work in inspiring. These videos have helped me become a better partner for my spouse, and a better father to our daughter. I am humbled each and every day that she is still with me after my affair. We have found a balance of recovery work and embracing the present. Which has helped us really absorb all the help and information we can. Thank you very much. To all those watching this, there is hope and happiness through this storm that unfaithful spouses like myself create, and there is beauty to be gained. Strength. Sending love to each and every soul on this journey.
@samshealingpodcast2 жыл бұрын
I'm honored I could help in some small way. thank you for the kind words my friend. they mean more than you know.
@cheryldee95Ай бұрын
Staying single is just so much easier. We never really know someone’s inherit dysfunction until we are so enmeshed with them…that it becomes evident that something is unresolved and causing the dysfunction. And, by then…it’s a heavy burden for the other spouse to either carry…or break away from…because most of these cheating spouses will never do the work to resolve their penchant for making these bad choices. They will just get better at hiding it.
@olunicholas43622 жыл бұрын
This is on point, betraying your spouse is " a terrible choice" thank you Samuel for allowing God to use you as a channel of blessing to many of us.
@samshealingpodcast2 жыл бұрын
your kind. thank you. it's an honor.
@robynsimon5662 жыл бұрын
Excellent. Thank you. We'll said from a betrayed spouse who could not express this exact situation.
@samshealingpodcast2 жыл бұрын
honored. thank you.
@bunnyyt89412 жыл бұрын
This is so spot on , childhood trauma 💔 my husband of 33 years slowing “rewound” his life a true psychological change personality change ! He became a stranger to me , he had an affair for 5 total ,always denied it for the first two years ! years ! , he admitted it left me
@bunnyyt89412 жыл бұрын
Sorry ,, he then yo yo”d for the nxt 2years came home , left returned to his parents that he had issues with since he can remember ,,rollercoaster ride for sure crazy one ,,, anyway I knew something was dreadfully and seriously wrong with him ,,, my heart was broken , and he was broken ,,, tragically my husband after returning home as the affair partner had finally had enough , I had cut contact with him before they split and he actually fell apart in front of her and she had had enough , he was no longer her knight in shining armour ! Just a broken man 💔through unresolved childhood trauma for sure ,,. Tragically after returning home three months later he took his own life ❤️this was 7 years ago , he told me “he would never ever forgive himself” for hurting me and his family …. I will tell you , I forgive him , I’ve had too he was extremely unwell mentally , although I don’t excuse it affairs are so so very painful for the betrayed , but please 🙏 people resolve your traumas , ❤️
@Dorito_Dust2 жыл бұрын
Thank you for being so humble and being here for all of us Sam. This one was so important. Getting to the bottom of the trauma and dysfunction is paramount. I’m some steps ahead of my wayward spouse because I was lucky to find the perfect therapist for me. I’ve been healing what’s happened and slowly folding in the childhood/adolescence stuff and figuring out who I really am. It’s nice to finally start putting all the pieces together and make some sense of my life. It’s so incredibly empowering and I’m loving myself and finding more and more forgiveness and wisdom each and every day. I know that I can’t fully make it to the other side until she can do the same. I’m not rushing or setting timelines at all, she’s doing amazing and really wants it. In time I know she can make it there. I will be able to say we are fully reconciled once she can break through. I really just need to thank you for doing all that you do for all of us and this community that none of us ever thought we’d be in. You’ve guided so many of us and have helped us through nightmares. Thank you for sharing your story and so many others. For not being afraid to stand up and show the world that you made a horrible mistake. For sharing with us your journey, Samantha’s journey, your family’s journey. All of you are heroes. I am sorry that you two decided to eventually split and I just want you to know that all of our hearts are with you and your family. It says a lot that you are still here doing what you do even though all the work didn’t result in happily ever after. I know we don’t know what’s happened but I can assume it is mutual and even though it’s tough, was the best decision. It just show how important this journey is no matter what the outcome may be. Love you Sam❤️
@samshealingpodcast2 жыл бұрын
so kind of you travis. thank you for the heartfelt words my friend.
@ScottStClair-rn3ky2 жыл бұрын
I’ve been telling my husband our life Coach this, but nobody listens! Thank you! These are my exact words!
@samshealingpodcast2 жыл бұрын
so glad I could help.
@jasonsmith-fd1yh2 жыл бұрын
The scenario you speak of around the 3 minute mark is a perfect explanation of something I've been trying to communicate to my wife and haven't seemed to have much luck with. Thank you for this video Samuel.
@samshealingpodcast2 жыл бұрын
honored I could help.
@kgsoccerchik2 жыл бұрын
This was your best video yet. Thank you
@samshealingpodcast2 жыл бұрын
awe, so kind of you. thank you for that.
@laniec.f.25312 жыл бұрын
I could write a book about my thoughts on this video... but I will leave it simply at "SPOT ON" ! Very good video, Samuel. Thank you.
@samshealingpodcast2 жыл бұрын
means so much. thank you.
@matrix51752 жыл бұрын
Thank you so much! This hit the nail on the head for me and trying to understand what has been going on with my spouse. God bless!
@samshealingpodcast2 жыл бұрын
i'm so glad it helped. thank you
@leticiabarnes96142 жыл бұрын
This is probably your best video.
@samshealingpodcast2 жыл бұрын
so kind. thank you for that.
@robertmullen45212 жыл бұрын
Hi Samuel. I always look forward to Thursdays, and new videos from you and Affair Recovery. I may have said this before, but this may be the best video yet. I feel as you are summarizing our issues, and our relationship. Thank you for all the work you do to create new content, and help so many people.
@samshealingpodcast2 жыл бұрын
means so much to read comments like that. gives me great encouragement and support so thank you for that my friend.
@kimortegastrongwarriorbrid53342 жыл бұрын
Ty again. 👍🙏
@HectorJohnson-bz8tb5 ай бұрын
The truth. There it is.
@Nahsir242 жыл бұрын
Well done on this one.
@samshealingpodcast2 жыл бұрын
thank you my friend.
@jeremiahharris50022 жыл бұрын
Wow! Top notch video. You are right on Samuel.
@samshealingpodcast2 жыл бұрын
means a ton. thank you.
@simfora80532 жыл бұрын
I’m the unfaithful and I some times play my girlfriend for what happened, I try not too but when I get frustrated I tend to blame her again. A lot of the times, o think I blame my girlfriend because I just don’t understand how this happened and how I cheated and ended up being the bad guy. I know I’m the bad guy, I just don’t understand what led me to become the bad guy.
@CHICKENLIFE3369 ай бұрын
Did you work through this and figure it out for yourself??
@jake87482 жыл бұрын
I know you have touched on this topic of childhood trauma before but this is so easy to understand and relate too. Also thankyou alot. Your videos and resources have given me hope through so many dark times. I honestly don't think id have coped otherwise. My depression kind of creeped up on me and nearly overwhelmed me. Judging by the criteria on online tests I probably have PTSD from it. I need to seek proper help. It's just tough. It was a few years ago but not dealt with. My wife acts like nothing happened now and when I tried to mention PTSD (or more accurately PISD) she just deflected and shifted the blame (just like you described here). The last psychologist I saw literally told me I needed to 'man up' as advice when I saw him about my depression and anxiety. It made me so much worse im scared of finding a new therapist now. I believe I know part of why my wife acts out. I just haven't been able to explain it from a cause to actions and reactions point of view like you did here. I recently found a band that sings mostly about mental health. Citizen Soldier. Listening to expression of PTSD and depression and abandonment issues as a song I've found therapeutic and made me feel more normal. Was such a nice change from hearing dopey love songs and the sheer numbers of songs about cheating as if its no big deal. It felt like at one point anytime I put the radio on there was a song about cheating or discarding a partner like it's just replacing a material item (which was a double blow also as a song my wife was listening to during her affair was about a guy trying to take anothers girl and its still triggering). Or the other side was the fantasy land love at first sight and no problems ever etc. It was just so opposite to what im living I didn't even listen to music in the end and I used to love music.
@JohnnyJitsu112 жыл бұрын
Thank you I n needed this, it’s a stage im in
@samshealingpodcast2 жыл бұрын
so glad it helped.
@sc10vy19792 жыл бұрын
What about the faithful has childhood trauma that has turned into PTSD
@samshealingpodcast2 жыл бұрын
you'll want an expert trauma therapist asap to help. it's more than possible to heal but you need the right help my friend.
@JA992 жыл бұрын
@sc10vy1979 Crappy Childhood Fairy's channel is incredibly helpful for CPTSD 🙏
@2753ssbeach2 жыл бұрын
Be glad you don't live in MN🤣🤣🤣 The weather of 30° degrees you speak of is WARM to Us... Sweatshirt Weather!
@joynkindness2 жыл бұрын
People cheat often, out of loneliness. Many spouses neglect their spouse. M arr
@melodykubiak58502 жыл бұрын
In Minnesota we've been getting some better than usual weather for wintertime in March: It has warmed up into the 30s-40s , if we're lucky a bit more, during the day, and warmed up to double digits at night. The snow was mostly gone but the ice is still treacherous. It snowed two days ago. The snow covers up the ice, making it harder to see. (Usually we're in for more. March can easily be our snowiest month. We could still have blizzards.) We're hoping it stays that way this year. We're having a nice winter for a change. ^_^ ... Insightful video about the intricacies of trauma. Looking forward to hearing more on this topic. It will help me understand my father more because he was neglected and abused as a child.
@Neo_N_Dobby2 жыл бұрын
Exactly!!!
@edwardwalterbroadnaxjr3576 Жыл бұрын
I don’t know how to get to a place where I can take full accountability for my multiple infidelities. My common reaction is not to deal with the issue but run. I have never taken responsibility for any of my poor choices. I have lied to my wife so much that I believe what I am saying is the truth. I even stopped counseling after a few sessions in the past, when I felt that the counselor was siding with my wife (the betrayed). I have some deep, dark issues that I just can’t seem to humble myself enough to face head on.
@ph10wed3 ай бұрын
You are almost talking about it. That is a great start. Can you get support on your own?
@Techie.Athlete2 жыл бұрын
great thoughts
@samshealingpodcast2 жыл бұрын
thank you.
@chumahanyoolo6952 Жыл бұрын
😢
@tkaki60292 жыл бұрын
People of the north laugh at you southies whining about “coo weather”