Why Does Your Attachment Style Matter? | Kati Morton

[@olivtrees8749]

On a second date with someone at a restaurant I said with a smile, "Excuse me a moment" and got up from my chair to go to the restroom. I'll never forget the reaction from my date. Written words cannot describe it. A look of sheer panic and distress came over him that was so palpable I stopped in my tracks. I got the sense that my date felt like they were about to be abandoned right there in the middle of our date. I reached out and touched them and said "I'm not leaving, I'm just going to the restroom." The panic then melted away from them and I went. That was my first sign there was something very wrong with them. My bag and jacket were still on my chair when I got up- where else was I going to go, but the restroom? As the relationship progressed they continued to have strange lack of connection in regards to affection while at the same time looking afraid at times when they felt they weren't going to get it. As if they would shut down emotionally. Later I learned from his ex that his mother was a horror and not responsive to children including her own. I had to break up with him because he just lacked a great deal of empathy and was not healthy to be in a relationship with, but I'll never forget that reaction of panic that came from him that night at the restaurant. It breaks my heart even still today.

[@TheNormal256]

Oliv Trees I’m sure you breaking up with him really helped him out with his attachment issues 🤣🤣🤣

[@Anna-tc6rz]

@@TheNormal256 it's not their responsibility to fix him. You have to take care of yourself first and foremost. I think they did great getting out of an unhealthy relationship

[@Thefishingcaddy]

So you dumped him because he was afraid to get dumped? Sounded like you helped him heal...

[@onettaviator5396]

@@Thefishingcaddy No, dude, he should of never been in a relationship in the first place, he can't handle it. And it's not her job to fix his abandonment issues or stay with him forever just cuz he's afraid. It's his mother's fault, not her's.

[@hmcloud8487]

JustSomeKid InTheComments Shout out for my homie over here. You are great. Keep being a cool cucumber.

[@trailtherapyman]

My childhood emotional trauma messed me up. I've never had a close relationship with anyone. I get anxious and fear everyone is going to leave. I get clingy. Push people away. End up being by myself, when that's not what I want.

[@jessyt.6039]

You will be okay❤️ and you aren’t alone

[@brooklynr3302]

Cody Johnson i really hope you’ll become more trusting when you find someone you find trustworthy, i am the exact same way as you, but i’ve found one person i trust and it’s amazing, so i hope you find someone too to trust

[@holistichealthlifewellness2182]

Sending you much love

[@brokentulip4055]

My son needs therapy. We love him so much but he isn't vunerable to anyone besides me and his father. He is open to us on how he feels with other people that in his life. He has admitted he will break off a relationship before they hurt him instead. And Anger is somehow mixed with all of this. He's 25. People just love him. Hes caring and thoughtful and naturally funny. But he says he can "drop a relationship easy and not give a F***. It..its just very sad. I don't know how to help him.

[@Julia-vg3nt]

Cody Johnson might be borderline. Get help and sort it out, wish you all luck because loneliness is pure poison.

[@TeeSoFree]

I recently learned that my attachment style is "Fearful Avoidant" (Disorganized) and it shows up in my relationships, especially with men. I have a desire to get close but I choose unavailable partners because deep inside I'm afraid of getting close. If one does happen to try I do something that sabotages it and take us back to a safe place. I see it happen in other areas of my life too. Now that I'm aware I'm working on getting to the root and healing it. Thanks for the tips.

[@IamMissPronounced]

I can really relate to this

[@helenr6172]

Me too

[@ms.brooks5485]

I’m the absolute same 💚

[@didiyuyu522]

same, i sabotage everything

[@Asiangirlshot1]

@@didiyuyu522 i lost my best friend from sabotage.

[@laurentrossman1989]

something I learned about attachment styles in my developmental psych class that I found really interesting is that even though children who are anxious avoidant don't show distress when their caregiver leaves, they actually still show somatic signs of stress like an increased heart rate and sweating!

[@Katimorton]

That is interesting!! Like their bodies know it should be stressed out!!

[@jamiewilson2550]

that's crazy, my dad died when i was little and im a super anxious person -- ive also ALWAYS had a higher heart rate than most people. I thought it was so strange too because I've always been physically healthy and wasn't doing anything differently. that's so wild.

[@jojoUK120]

Kati Morton I still get it so it always seems obvious to me, but it’s nice to be able to quote studies for others. Making noise/touch demands provoked angry outbursts when I was a kid so I usually go quiet and avoid people when I have emotional needs or feel pain. For parents who neglect/abuse I suggest wiring a pulse monitor for kid to a Taser for adult. They’ll soon get the hang of it.

[@Lillie-mae.Edwards]

Learning to self soothe was something I learnt very young but as an adult I find it super hard. I think it’s trial and error on things that help. I think I identify with insecure avoidant the most. Letting people in is hard because people are unpredictable. Another good video Kati. Thank you ♥️♥️

[@Katimorton]

Trial and error can definitely help :) So glad you enjoyed the video! xox

[@recoveringsoul755]

Kati Morton Which one does Trauma Bonding fit into? Where there is inconsistent parenting, nice one time, abusive or rejecting the next? Seems like the trauma bond is more difficult to break than the love bond.

[@littlefishies9592]

@@recoveringsoul755 Attachment styles can be different based on each person we interact with i.e. we can have an insecure ambivalent attachment with romantic partners, but insecure avoidant with friends or family. Trauma Bonding according to the person that coined the phrase is "a strong emotional attachment between an abused person and his or her abuser, formed as a result of the cycle of violence". This is a newly created term that come from the field of sexual addiction and would fit into the disorganized category. Trauma bonding believe it or not does have to do with love, or at least the pursuit of it. Having positive feelings toward someone that abuses you has nothing to do with the abuse. The abuse is ignored in favor of obtaining something the person being abused see's as more important and valuable than their safety, such as an emotional connection or attention that are intermittently sprinkled into the interactions in that relationship that is an external way of obtaining an internal need that the individual feels they are willing to suffer the abuse to obtain. The way to correct and heal this is to therapeutically process the trauma that caused this type of bond to become an acceptable means of meeting ones own needs in the first place, which is usually occurring within one's family of origin during childhood.

[@dakween8182]

The securely attached person listens to the song "I'll be there" by the Jackson 5. The avoidant listens to "Miss Independent" by Kelly Clarkson. The ambivalent listens to "Hot and Cold" by Katy Perry. The disorganized attached person listens to "I can't get no satisfaction" by the Rolling Stones, among others. Thx for the vid Kati!

[@karim-a7469]

DaKween 81 Love it

[@hninoowai1431]

Woah cool man

[@SelfAwareSaga]

I feel attacked....

[@kylasanchez]

brooo🤣

[@daisiesandpandas1218]

I don't know why I started chuckling at this 🤣

[@l-pv5793]

Please make a video on absent fathers or estranged inmediate family pls

[@DarkCarbunkle]

Oh, yeah, because she'd know. Don't ask males, lol.

[@melonie_peppers]

What about them?

[@alid0228]

@@DarkCarbunkle she means the effects of having estranged family or absent fathers. Obviously

[@dorishaffer4055]

I’m estranged from my remaining family because they are horrible people.

[@benjibluebird]

Do you think you could talk about executive dysfunction? How to describe it to loved ones, how to overcome it, etc?

[@Ash-up9gl]

yessss, this!

[@Katimorton]

I will have to do some research since I don't know that much about this as of yet.. but it is on my list!! xoxo

[@thatssohygge]

I would love to learn more about this.

[@benjibluebird]

Selectfew ??????

[@minimongoose]

I'm definitely interested in this topic too!

[@myozbubble]

Watching your videos explains so much to me about myself. I remember when I was in college (3 decades ago!). I learned about dysfunctional families. After class, I drove home crying all the way because 1) I learned that what I had gone through had a name and 2) that it wasn't normal.

[@victoria-arg]

WHY ARENT THINGS LIKE THIS TAUGHT QT SCHOOLS

[@hannahh9705]

School is a systematic construct to make us spend money with the hopes we will make more in the long run after acquiring our pieces of papers

[@kKizz]

School is just a mold, a place for pointless politics, a tool used by those in power.

[@sudarshan3965]

What is wrong with you guys who keep telling why school don't teach this? There are alot of things which learn from learn yourself from experience of harsh life, from parents etc

[@Itsjustebele]

i would rather much learn this than learning about the slope formula 🙄

[@ScenicNsanity]

It was at my school. I took AP Psychology.

[@safetypin5987]

I never knew it had a name, but 'insecure ambivalent' is literally the thing that frustrates me the most about myself. Whenever I tried to explain it to others, ex my mother, she thought I was crazy. Getting what I want makes me so upset, then I get upset because I'm upset, then I question my privilege and get upset at how selfish I seem to be, and it's a downward spiral of self-hate.

[@wolfferoni]

I'd probably be the 4th one just because I don't fit the others. Growing up, I was terrified of strangers and pretty much stuck to my parents, my mum especially. However, she hated how I was sensitive and emotional so I was also very fearful of her and ever went to her when I was upset/ tried to hide it. So basically I was always scared or worried in some way. I guess that explains why I'm really anxious

[@inni_k7767]

Wolfferoni i think we have a similar situation, my parents always bring that i was really attached to them when i was little, but with time i felt less attached to them, because they were caring but at the same time they always told me not to cry and said mean things like: oh.. You're going to cry? Like it was stupid. Analyzing your situation in general is mostly to be the 4th one, because like you said it was confusing, and you don't know who you can trust, because even your parents were unpredictable, i hope you can get better with your anxiety (i have anxiety too) because related to your childhood is really difficult to deal with.

[@bezilliox]

That's really sad - I'm sorry it was like that for you. Maybe seek therapy and talk to someone which will help

[@dorcaswinter8296]

Your videos really help inspire me to pursue my university course in mental health nursing!

[@Katimorton]

Yay!!! So glad I could be help you follow your dreams :) xoxo

[@rektchord]

Disorganized attachment is seen to be a huge factor within dissociative disorders. As someone recovered from depersonalisation disorder I have had to do a great deal of work within therapy looking at the causes of my disorganized attachment. A common issue is a parent that is processing trauma or mentally unwell in the first 3 months or a parent that is aggressive towards/ frightened of the child. I feel understanding your own narrative is so important to integration and self soothing. It's a scary process but it's incredible how it brings your sense of self into a complete and solid concept. Dp, BPD and DID all link to this original attachment breakdown and often it's the severity of the following trauma that determines the outcome.

[@sabrinafelber]

Thanks you said what I needed to so eloquently.

[@VengefulPolititron]

so.. for example. my mom doesn't know who she is. she is too nice. too giving. and smothered us. cause she grew up with a narcissist mom, and distant weak dad. so... that anxiety.. that shes not even aware she has... could have messed me up...?

[@PRoseLegendary]

I'm pregnant with my first child. And I think I have the insecure ambivalent attachment style... In my relationships I want people to comfort me but then I push them away and it's hella confusing for me and my partner. I want to work on getting better because I don't want to mess things up for my baby.

[@burritomaker69]

My ex gf was very much like that. It was very confusing on an almost daily basis.

[@streamepiphany9932]

How's everything going? How's the baby?? 😍😍🥺💜

[@felixhenson9926]

My dad has always been quite distant, very afraid to show emotion, whereas my mum was the opposite, clingy, and over-affectionate to the point of being overbearing, yet as a kid I ALWAYS latched onto my dad, and as an adult adopted his 'distant, but definitely there, and I love you but I don't need to be in your face about it' style of family relationship. My mum's side of the family are all in each other's business, they all contact each other every single time a day without fail, maybe even multiple times, and wonder what happened if someone misses a day, whereas me and my dad are happy to see each other as little as every 4 months, but still love each other. You can imagine how confusing it is for my mum that I find her constant contact irritating and unnecessary and I did wonder why, when my mother was always my primary caregiver bar a couple of years of my life, I might have ended up with such a totally different communication style, but this makes some sense of that. I relate to the insecure avoidant type there. When I was growing up, between may 7 and 13 my mum was extremely neglectful and an alcoholic. She was definitely NOT there. Whereas even though my contact with my dad might be rare, he was always there and always very routine and consistent. So I'm guessing that neglect was the cause of that attatchment style? Or is that too late in life?

[@Neeshpeesh123]

I’m in bad shape. I have no one to talk to. I need to find a therapist but it’s sooo hard.

[@ScarlettesFuneral]

Try betterhelp

[@cosmicgerbil5773]

Finding a therapist is hard. Step 1: Look up therapists online. Step 2: Find one who seems like they work in the areas you need help in. Step 3: Realize they charge 150$/hr. Step 4: Close the web browser and do something to distract yourself.

[@blckstrdust2703]

Better health app therapy phone app.

[@edenwarner568]

perks of not being able to sleep is that im up for your video!

[@Katimorton]

Woot woot!! I hope you are able to nap later today :) xoxo

[@Katrawrina]

You mention tracking your feelings and describing them so we can better understand them and be able to express them in a healthy way. I have a question about this. How do you express wanting to be impulsive in a healthy way? I sometimes find myself getting angry or jealous or agitated and feeling a crave to do something in the spur of the moment but I always bottle those feelings so I don't do something irrational. Is this actually unhealthy? And if so, how on earth do you express irrational feelings in a healthy way?!

[@kelsieslagle9177]

I'm very emotionally impulsive as well. Being aware of it is the first step. I often act on my feelings and cause "issues" in my relationships.. working on putting the energy elsewhere

[@alexandramaclachlan7597]

FOLLOWING! I just spent nearly an hour googling different combinations of words, and nothing came up. All I can think of is to go away somewhere and scream, go for a run/sprint, or start beating up on a pillow.

[@yourehereforthatarentyou]

let me know if you find out

[@dallascowgirl79]

Kat, I personally think it's great that you battle those irrational reactions. Not sure if you have a diagnosis or not but I know that I, being diagnosed with BPD, have being taught that being mindful is how to get through the "reacting". I find it so difficult to practice mindfulness when not needing it that when I'm feeling everything I then struggle to default to doing my mindfulness activities.

[@ryanliberty]

I know this is a huge topic and you couldn't possibly condense it all into a short video. Thank you for putting it together! I'm interested in where the research takes us as far as Reactive Attachment Disorder and Disinhibited Social Engagement Disorder.

[@TigersLullaby125]

Wow... Kati im sorry ive called you a mother to me several times recently. Im clingy cus i dont know how to soothe myself. I seperated myself from real family and have formed connections with others. my mental state seems to b solely dictated by how much love i recieve externally cus i cant love myself. So im needy and i end up bothering the very few people i love and push them away. I know what i need to work on now. So thank you Kati and im really sorry if i made you uncomfortable. You look beautiful as always

[@TigersLullaby125]

And this was impecable timing btw. Ive been trying to go on dates and met a single mother of 2. Shes very pretty and i would love to get to know her more. Then last night, i said something i shouldnt have to my lil sister and she got mad at me. Thoughts of suicide and cutting (Which ive never done so idk why those were there) wouldnt get out my head. I started telling myself i shouldnt try dating. I kno i have a big heart and wanna b a good husband and father, but i only cause pain when im in love. I cant do that to a single mother of 2. I dont wanna hurt them. I dont wanna hurt anybody so i concluded, the only thing that gives my life meaning, having a family, im forbidding myself to have. In ur vid u said its possible tho so maybe i’ll try holding hope alil longer. So really thank you very much Kati. I needed this badly

[@Katimorton]

You never made me uncomfortable!! I am just glad that I can be a helpful and supportive resource when you need it :) Glad this video was one of those!! xox

[@TigersLullaby125]

Bruh she’s a full time therapist and she does all kinds of other stuff for the mental health community like making youtube videos. On top of that she has a social life of her own and a family and probly gets thousands of messages or comments all the time on videos or social media. She cant b expected to save everybody on the planet but the fact that she even responds at all is enough to show she really cares about us. So yeah I got 2 X’s and an O, and I’m very happy about that. I dont currently need her cus I’ve been spending all my time with my gf and maybe there will come a time when I can proudly say I’m done with being mentally fucked up but Katie has a little spot in my heart. She always will. I wish u happiness man🙏🏼

[@satanicchameleon1928]

Arman Arashvand let this person feel good about themselves, damn. They found an outlit and a person to look up to, why ya gotta go shitting on that? Smh.

[@vegangurly]

Arman Arashvand what is wrong with you

[@Star-dj1kw]

1. Secure 3:06 2. Insecure Avoidant 3:42 3. Insecure ambivalent 4:43 4. Disorganized 5:23

[@jendrivesajeep6656]

Kati, thank you very much for explaining this. My son was born at 24 weeks & spent 3 months in the NICU. His nurse, although lovely was very attached to him & at times I feel interrupted our bond as mother/child. She would insist on holding him even when I was there. It was confusing for me & very hurtful & there was absolutely no reason for it. I was a 31 year old mom who already had 1 child. Hes 9 years old now & we are close as can be but I really missed our time together those first few weeks.

[@heatherknight546]

As a young mom to a 3 year old this has been very helpful to understand where I stand and where he stands. Thank you.

[@Partycitybaex]

Could BPD be a result of insecure ambivalent? 🤔 Hence, "fear of abandonment?" whenever I am having a breakdown, I want to be soothed by someone and when they come near me I feel kind of agitated and don't know how to express myself.

[@burritomaker69]

An incredibly insightful question I’ve wondered myself. My ex gf seemed to have maybe a mild form of BPD or just a mixture of many different personality disorders and insecure attachment styles.

[@Partycitybaex]

@@burritomaker69 yea could be, very interesting subject

[@burritomaker69]

lala I learned that BPD is essentially an extreme form of attachment trauma. The anger you have when someone attempts to soothe you may come from you having an inability to truly allow yourself to be loved/allow someone emotionally near you from a fear that this person/persons may just get up and leave one day. I think related to the inability to truly allow yourself to love because of possibly past experiences.

[@Partycitybaex]

@@burritomaker69 wow makes sense. When it comes to remembering that trauma in the aspect of "being abandoned" its kinda a blur to me. I know for a fact that it was my mentally ill dad who would constantly verbally abuse us and not be there whenever we were sad or hurt. My mom was never abusive, but because of the way she was raised, she wasn't ever really expressive with her emotions (for ex. Never said I love you) and I feel like I really missed out on that kind of nurturing as a kid.

[@EM-zt4ul]

I went to a psychiatrist a few times and I wonder if I keep going when I can if I will eventually be diagnosed with Bpd or a similar condition because of all the distress my parents have caused in me. I already have ocd, anxiety, depression and ptsd and am highly sensitive :( I just want to know everything

[@asstanley8438]

For years I believed that NOBODY I liked enough to have a relationship with liked me back. I still feel like that tbh. I've had one relationship with an abusive man and that's it. I've tried a few times. If they're abusive I end it. IF they're not abusive, they end it with me! Now I understand it's something to do with my attachment style (and childhood emotional neglect)

[@raymondmarchand8815]

Kati I,m getting Attached to you ! What a breath of fresh air you are! You are so cute If I had a daughter I,d want her to be just like you! I am A Viet Nam Vet ! I have had Mental Issues. Just found a counselor at the VA. My wife of 24 years just passed away . I no I can,t do this alone!

[@imogenweston-kelly8271]

I can't explain how excited I get when you release your videos!! I always hang out for them during the week. Thank you for doing what you do :))

[@Katimorton]

Oh yay!! I am so glad you are enjoying them :) xoxo

[@katiesilvano8136]

LOL!! "I don't like it John Bowbly!" :)

[@andreahanna5382]

Omg I love how you reply to a lot of your comments you’re such a nice person

[@Rue4You2]

I've talked with my therapist about this in the past and I'm definitely insecure avoidant. Makes life fun for my partner now because I need ALL THE VALIDATION. I am working on it though!

[@rosegarcia2371]

I had a good caregiver when I was a baby but when I was a child she was not helpful or soothing. This has affected my relationships all my life. Luckily my grandma was very kind and loving. This has been my saving grace. You are right, we can heal. Your channel has helped me a lot and this video is really good. Thank you Kati.

[@josey1917]

This explains a lot. My dad was #2, and my mom was a mix of 3 and 4. I don't remember a huge part of my life, heck I barely remember last year, but I know I never felt like I could count on anyone beside myself for soothing. I loved and adored my mom, don't get me wrong, but she wasn't a very soothing parent growing up. She was a strong person, and taught my sister and I other things which I am very thankful for, but soothing just wasn't her strong point. I won't even go in about my dad. Negative across the board.

[@ryanleon288]

its amazing how every time im struggling with something, you make a video about it :)) its wild. i feel like i fit under disorganized most, though i see some avoidant as well. thank you so much for all your helpful videos.

[@mowannita]

I've never identified my attachment style, also my childhood memory is quite blur. Most of my story was told from my parent and grand parents. By the way, I recall my attitude toward my parent as stranger mostly. I remember the feeling of not belonging to this whole world, like Im kind of different creature. I always have problem with socialization. I normally feel awkward to present in any party, also avoid having conversation with my co-workers. So, I'd like to thank you for making this video. I hope my next appointment with psychi will be far more beneficial than usual. At least, I percieve what I supposed to focus and inform. Thank you for making this.❤

[@kaylaflower3542]

I appreciate your channel so much, since I've hit several really low points with my mental health, I've been desperate for progress. But finding help has been so much harder than I ever expected (severe social anxiety made it feel impossible), it was very disheartening. I've tried for years to self help but nothing seemed to be clicking. Your videos have made a big difference in my hope & determination. I went so long being ashamed of simple things, like not feeling healthy after a successful "graduation" from needing therapy. You helped me see the irrelevance and cycle was keeping myself in. Thank you for sharing your knowledge and time, it's a beautiful thing your doing the way you are using KZbin to try to help people. 💕

[@sarahannadams3447]

heywhat'supyouguys so I realized that I have a disorganized attachment style, and I can see exactly where it stems from. I'd like to go to a therapist because I also have other issues I'd like to resolve/find tools to cope but the same caregiver that probably gave me said attachment issues in the first place thinks therapy is only for the really mentally ill. I know this isn't true because I am a sane human, but videos like this one really help me to, well I don't wanna say become my own therapist, but like identify some issues or problems that I may have and choose some ways to cope/work through these issues. So, thank you Kati Morton, you've helped me through literally my whole life. I don't know where I'd be without these videos tbh.

[@shelbyloyd7808]

Thank you Kati! I am enjoying your videos between my regular therapy sessions. I am getting a lot out of the knowledge you bring up and have a story to share as many others may as well. mine is one of a Trama at a young age that I did not talk about to anyone for most of my life. Over 30 years went by and as an adult I can now see that a lot of my mental health crisis can be explained and did not just happen by genetic disposition. Hope you are well. Thanks again for the support.

[@ManjuKannan23]

Can you do a video on family dynamics . Like the narcissistic family dynamic & how to leave a home that toxic and how to build credit and the financial things ? Make the big escape from home 🏡

[@thatcoldsweataftershtbutth3025]

itsmanju's life looks like you know what to look up. Why not get the info for yourself

[@followingbreadcrumbs]

this was an eye opener. so helpful. thanks Kati

[@Katimorton]

Oh good!!! I'm so glad it was helpful :) xoxo

[@panda839578567659610]

Is there a way to process trauma on your own?

[@naynaynay324]

Sure, but it might take a helluva longer time than therapy. Sort of like if you want to learn a language on your own. But acknowledging it is a step in the right direction - unless it's not really trauma, hehe.

[@Katimorton]

Not safely. While we can do some of the work, I really don't think we will be able to push ourselves when we need to, or know when we need to stop for a bit. Journaling is a great way to safely start.. while we look for a therapist we can trust :) xoxo

[@hannahcollings6358]

Not effectively

[@katiemossi5975]

I was born under general anesthesia and my mother wasn't able to touch me for the first 8 hours of my life, until I woke up. I feel like this may have negatively impacted my attachment style. However I have negative nature and nurture as well, so a lot of factors are at play. I'm sure you can imagine the emotional illnesses I deal with. I'm working with a counselor but your videos have been a huge help, supplementaly. Thank you for doing what you do ❤

[@midnight-user12]

thank you Kati for welcoming new people, not every KZbinr does this kind introduction.

[@kingtitan2051]

Love your personality and quick videos that get to the point.

[@kimberlyhovis5864]

When my autistic 6 year old son is in an unfamiliar environment or there are people near us that he doesn't know, he will often bury his head into me. He's my sensory kid, so he often craves deep pressure, especially around his head, which helps him feel more grounded and regulated. Sometimes he pushes his head into my side while other times he will push it into my stomach. Then I'll put my hands around his head with a tiny bit of pressure. While he is pushing into me, when I don't have my hands around his head, he'll seek it by moving my hands there for me. It's really sweet, and I'm glad to hear that his preference for wanting that from me is a healthy sign. ❤

[@demelzabrooks1899]

This video was amazing (clear, positive and on-time) exactly what I wanted to learn about.. When seeking help about difficult relationships, I'm most often asked what the other person is doing to me, but what I needed to know was how to be aware of how I'm contributing to this situation .(it's equally important in the long run)

[@jamesgeorge2230]

Kati u r so beautiful inside and out, i can tell u actually care rn im giving u a virtual hug. Thanks for all your help.

[@overseezer]

I started seeing a therapist about 4 years ago. I learned I had RAD. Over the course of a few months her attitude and demeanour towards me changed a great deal. In the same way romantic relationships go. Optimism, annoyance, dissapointment and then totally giving up. I don't think my therapist had had much experience with it. She was in her early twenties. It was like the more she got to know me the less she liked me and the more she pittied me. When our time together was over it was understood that my situation was not going to change. She realized she couldn't do anything for me and sent me on my way. I remember the day I came in and she told me this will be our last session. Feels similiar to a breakup or getting kicked out of a group. Basically shown the door. Realize this is part and parcel of the attachment issue now. I wish there was some sort of a solution. Feels like you just get passed around until you give up and insulate yourself out of respect for others.

[@MackieLars]

i'm on the 4th attachment style. i remember it being a topic during our basic psych classes in college but never thought about it much up until now when i've finally learned to introspect better and notice myself a bit more. however, i've never tried to talk it out to my parents let alone to a therapist. never with my parents because they've shut me down so many times in the past that the distress of what i feel is important or feel in general being deemed irrelevant is no longer worth the effort of connecting to them past shallow levels, and never to a therapist because of access and money issues. thankfully, your videos, kati, at least helps me learn about how to at least manage myself and my issues a tad better. thank you so much. you've been a huge help ever since i've found your channel.

[@xxTheMouseThatRoaredxx]

I'm, definitely, disorganized. Maybe because I couldn't find love with my mother but I could with my grandfather. He passed when I was 12 and I miss him every single day. I'm on the edge of 60 and that ache for his love and safety in his arms is so strong

[@KaoXoni]

I'd never heard of insecure/disorganised attachment style before. That description rung a bell... Thank you Kati!

[@joannemodine2533]

I am insecure avoidant. Years back I couldn't figure out what I was, but because I have looked more closely at myself, I get it now.

[@carlamarlene2927]

The list of symptoms almost made me feel guilty until I made myself remember the loving home and family my daughter was/is raised in. My husband and I have been together her whole life and love each other deeply. Her older twin brothers loved her from the start. She has lived in the same home since she was 9 months and I nursed her til she was a year old. She was never in need of anything but alas, she has always been a miserable child: she always preferred to play alone then got sad coz no one played with her; she is ODD (opositional) to an extreme; pushes loved ones away. I have had her in therapy for years because these "disorders" cycle through then she gets "help"and she is happy again. Like I said almost felt guilty. Be careful when diagnosing, it may not be the case

[@nanajosh]

I would relate to disorganized attachment disorder. Even to this day my mom does this on and off "support" rodeo. I've been working on myself for the past 5-6 years when this and a lot of other stuff that almost destroyed me in the beginning. I'm proud of how far I've come, am glad I'm still going and will keep trying. Life is hard but it's easier when people like you help keep us informed. Thank you.

[@Cutelittlecountrygirl]

Same number four sometimes it was safe for me to seek comfort with my parents other times they wouldn't allow me to seek comfort instead be annoyed at me angry or what I perceived or have clued together dealing with their own emotions il equiped I think to see what I needed. I've worked hard to figure out how I am wired but the clinical psychologists I've seen haven't been very clear unless doing cognitive therapy. Finding a good therapist takes me years.

[@redhead1727]

Idk why I'm typing this tho I was left by my parents when I was little and I lived with my grandparents but they worked all day. I felt lonely and wonder where were parents, what they looked like. I don't remember much about my childhood, they all gone but the memories of me crying still staying. Age 10 they came outta nowhere, picking me up but I felt like we weren't bonded well. My parents fought all the time and one day, I asked my mom if I could bring lunchbox (they used to only give me money to buy lunch in canteen) but I didn't know she was mad. She called me being ungrateful and she better off dead than having to take care of me. It was Monday morning I swear. I protested that that was the only time I asked for that favor bc my classmates always brought lunch from home. But then she slapped me and I got nosebleed. The blood dripped on my school uniform. And since that day, I never dared asking anything from anyone. I just wait until someone offers me something then I'll take it. It's painful that that one memory haunted me for years and leave me guilty all the time.

[@gabbiefulton8604]

Thank you Kati for this video it has help me understand my attachment better. Thank you for giving me some tools to use and to think about. You are totally awesome!

[@Katimorton]

Of course!! So glad it was helpful :) xoxo

[@CheddaFett]

I am def going to ask my therapist about this at my next session. Thank you so much for these great videos!

[@raea3588]

Thank you so much! I've really been trying to get this topic simplified in my own head so that I can start acknowledging it and working on it in my personal life and with my therapist and you broke it down so clearly :)

[@crushworthyxo]

I feel like I mostly fall under the disorganized type but that last bit you brought up about not letting anybody in at all really hit home as to my current situation. Haven't been able to have a close relationship in years and I'm realizing how lonely that is. But I used to be too attached then too distant. Last time I had a traumatic falling out with someone made me flip a switch and go completely avoidant. Just swapped one vice for another

[@da-lm3542]

I'm a 60's scoop baby, so attachment is very important but it depends on the people I am with. Sometimes its secure, other times I want to run away. :) I'm 52 now, from the abandonment, relationships are always something I work on.

[@SlugcatEmporium]

Is attaachment style always, always indicative of parent behavior? Is it possible for infants to develop adverse attachment styles despite good (meaning consistent, caring, non-harmful, and so on) care?

[@imaginareality]

As far as I know (I studied social work) that's not possible. However, sometimes children don't react as expected to their caregiver (for example, children with autism sometimes show an adverse reaction to touch, some children cry way more than is the norm, some children don't react to facial expressions etc.) which can make it a lot harder to form a secure attachment even if the caregiver is very responsive.

[@julietab3843]

This coment is really old, but as a psychology student i can say that it doesn't have to be that the parents are mean or harmful to the baby or the kid. Maybe when they try to sooth them they just don't know how to and don't know what they need. That can cause them to ve very anxious so the kid gets anxious (wich can cause an insecure attachment) and doesn't feel safe to go and explore the world. So it's not that they don't help or they are harmful, it's just that they don't always help the kid the way they need to, so the kid feels like they can't count on them or at least they aren't really sure if they will always comfort them and be there for them.

[@dakween8182]

I have moments of avoidant, ambivalent, secure and disorganized styles of attachments when I was growing up with my parents, especially my mother. Yet I feel secure with my friends and family and I can go to them just to speak about how I an feeling as a 25 year old. Its work but it can be done!

[@lozza0810]

So interesting, thanks Kati! I have always wondered - from birth to about 6-8 weeks (I can't remember) I was in an incubator at the hospital because I was born the size of an 8-week premi! I obviously knew who my parents were, but throughout childhood never really felt an attachment to my parents and wouldn't really turn to them to be soothed etc. Could that be because of all the inconsistency in the first two months or so of life? Doctors and nurses in and out, not always the same people every day and just having my parents for the days, not nights for the first two months?

[@Katimorton]

Yes that can definitely affect you!! Not being able to be held or soothed by our mother or father when we are first born can cause all sorts of issues.. obviously it depends on the person (because everyone is different) but not getting much human touch at the very beginning could lead to issues with attachment later on. xoxo

[@jamesgeorge2230]

LaurenAshley so sad

[@anitaa.9633]

Wow I never thought about it from that perspective I was born premature too and was kept 3 months in an incubator... That was pretty interesting ... In a way i'm more an avoidant type of person

[@johanneshalberstadt3663]

Hey +LaurenAshley I've wondered the same, since I was 6 weeks premature. And then in an incubator. I however felt attached to my parents, much more so to my mother. It a was only during and after puberty that I feel the attachment suffered and turned into something much more ambivalent. I'm a psychologist aswell (Hi Kati Morton, ^^), but ot (yet ?) a therapist. So, I have "only" studied psychology, but not been trained as a therapist and don't have the very detailed clinical knowldege and experience. As Kati said in the video, I think that right after birth infants don't really discriminate between, who gives them care. But a general lack of loving touch surely can have an effect. We know from very premature babies (two to three oreven for months) now, that their development is so much better, when they get the chance to have extended periods of skin-to-skin contact with their parent each day and that they can cath up andmake up for the time not spend in their mothers womb. And they develop much worse and have higher mortality, when this doesn't happen. That being said, it is usually the parents, but my guess is,that it would't have to be the parents. But calm, caring skin contact is important. We also know that this early in life many not so optimal experiences can be evened out still because at thatage childrem don't yet havea memory likeadults haveand the brain isn't even fully formed yet. So compensatory care with in the first three years can make up for a lot to the point that no difference would be detectable.

[@ThatssoSarah1]

LaurenAshley that is so crazy you mention that. I was born at 26.5 weeks and was kept in an incubator for the first 4 months of my life pretty much. I have been working in therapy about how much that has affected me. I think that lack of touch; and then the fact that when I could be touched it mostly likely was somewhat painful due to my nervous system not being developed, has affected my attachments in life a lot. I have to think it must feel so confusing to a little baby to not have a consistent care giver.

[@Kat-uh6ex]

You're amazing at what you do, thank you for putting these videos on the internet.

[@jamesathens]

I'm doing a Master's in Psychology and your video helped a lot. Thanks.

[@thatcertaintouch]

Can you talk more about relationships and people who have detachment issues?

[@abrahamcavazos1984]

Kati Morton, I'm beggining to think that you are the only wise psychologist in the world. Haven't really found one that actually helps me; I thought I had but I was disappointed when I realized that she didn't really had a plan to help me out.

[@biancad.4034]

i've been avoiding to be with anyone since my graduation day, about a year ago. i avoid to be with my uncles and aunts, avoid to sleep over at their places although my grandma wants me to. To be with others somehow uncomfortable to me and makes me mentally exhausted :( so i prefer to be alone all the time

[@libcaro]

Blue Raindrop i have never feel so much identified in my life

[@biancad.4034]

libcaro you feel this way too :( ?

[@biancad.4034]

somniavitasunt most of the times bc i think they dont understand me, like, the way we see things through a perfectly different ways and i feel like an outcast and i cant trust them enough to share anything. i really dont mind to be alone, i live alone and far away from my parents too since im working now.

[@Katimorton]

If that's something you actually prefer.. it could be avoidant personality disorder.. I have a video on it: kzbin.info/www/bejne/foK8Z3uderhso5I

[@Balt0cat1983]

I live in my own world pretty much. Many of my family members are narcissistic, have some form of an addiction or are destructive in some way. One of my family members is the equivalent of a mobster. I won't say whether that person is my mom or my dad but I often feel like I'm a gangster's daughter. For me, watching The Godfather movies is practically therapy. I relate to the character Tony, the most. He leaves school because he wants to be a singer and his dad doesn't approve because he wants nothing to do with the mobster lifestyle. A direct quote he makes in part 3 "I will always be your son but I will never have anything to due with your business". I don't know all the corrupt, illegal and clandestine activities some of my family members are a part of and I never want to find out. I know of some but not all. The more I find out the more it isolated I feel. I even got myself sterilized since I have ASD and refuse to ever go off of my medication if I were to ever become pregnant. I put my own mental health first. I have very few friends and I avoid romantic relationships so I'll never be able to give my family members extensions of myself only for them to be manipulated and then used against me. I don't have it in my heart to put another innocent human being through that even if it were to result in softening my isolation. I think that that's selfish. It would break my heart if that ever happened so I just choose to avoid close connections of any kind. If I avoid them in the first place then there's no one for my family members to be able to eventually manipulate. Plus anyone close to me would eventually leave because at some point they'd get tired of my constant venting about it and I don't blame them. So I write hard edged alternative metal songs as a way of getting the steam out. All the trauma I've been fed by family members I've spat back out into something dark, beautiful and constructive all at the same time. I always write songs only in third person and always use pronouns. I never mention names in my lyrics or titles. If I ever write a song that is upsetting to anyone it breaks my heart so I then tear up my own creation so then I'll be unable to remember it and I'll never be able to write a future song that's exactly the same. What's happened to me never caused me to go the destructive route. Instead it caused me to go in the reverse direction. I'm a God fearing person. I'm not a believer in things like suicide, self harm or any other form of destruction. I don't smoke, drink or do drugs. My creativity is the most precious thing in the world to me and I won't allow any unhealthy substance to screw it up. My creativity is the air I breathe and my way of coping. Without it I'd be lost. It comes before any and every social connection. It's as precious to me as if it were a human child if not even more so. I don't just write music and sing. I write poetry and I do pretty much any type of physical art as well. I've experimented with almost every type of art medium. I'm unable to tolerate pain of any form so that alone prevents me from ever becoming suicidal. I could never put another human being in harm's way. I don't care who the person is or what they've done to me. I refuse to do anything that could get me in legal trouble including self defense. That way the person harming me would go to hell and would have nothing to use right back against me. It's not worth it. I have a beef with anyone who has any form of unhealthy, destructive or self destructive habit or addiction. Instead of becoming suicidal I often will spend hours on end talking complete strangers out of suicide. Like I said, everyone is a human being. I have morals and I'm proud to say so. Some say I'm picky. Truth is, I choose my connections (the very few that I have that I can count on less than one hand) wisely. I really have to get to know the person before I trust him or her. I don't hand out my trust or love like it's candy. I'm very guarded and cautious. I have to be. If I'm eventually able to trust someone to the point they are worthy of my attention and receive it on a regular basis then that person has a rare intellectual connection with me in a way that is pretty darn special. In the past my being curious has only resulted in heartbreak every single time. So I'm no longer curious. I have a huge amount of self control and restraint. I take my meds exactly as prescribed every day and I never skip a dose. Never. I don't ever plan to wind up unstable or worse, go into withdrawal. Even though I hate the side effects I take my meds regardless. The good outweighs the bad. I'm very picky about which meds I will take. I'm not noncompliant but if a medication commonly used for a certain symptom in most people has certain side effects that I'm unable to tolerate I'll ask for an alternative medication which works differently and lacks those side effects as a result. I refuse to replace one problem with another. I value my stability. I'm an extremely empathetic and compassionate person. I refuse to ever wind up narcissistic or with an addiction like many (but not all) of my family members. I made a promise to myself and to God a long time ago that that will never be me and I've kept that promise and I always will. I'll never allow anything to lead me astray that could jeopardize that. I won't take anything that could inhibit my creativity. So with lots of negotiation my doctor and I always find a way to work around that. I value my ability to function which also means avoiding anything and everything that could result in my creativity drying up. I often feel lost because most people respond to trauma by feeding into and giving into the negativity resulting in some form of destruction. I'm the complete opposite. I just preserve myself in any way possible and often go through crippling anxiety in order to do so. My anxiety doesn't go in the destruction direction. It goes in the preservation direction. There's pretty much no therapist who understands that no matter how hard they try and there's pretty much no treatment for it. Since pretty much all trauma treatment is focused on people finding alternative coping skills to destructive ones there's very little if any understanding of someone who has never gone the destructive route in the first place. I'm terrified of destruction of any kind. I have the only good phobia that there is. I have a phobia of destruction, destructive people and anything that could later result in destruction. I just see no point in destruction. It's not worth it and always ends in disaster in one way or another. I value honesty to extremes. The only thing I ever defend myself with is the truth. It can be both very painful and never cause any physical harm at the same time. Truth is the best defense that there is and it's the only one I'll ever need. Truth is my only true bodyguard in life since it's more powerful than any other bodyguard that there is and it will always be there for me no matter what.

[@Scott-vd2le]

I hate I just guess my problems from all the psychological materials I can get. We tend to label us to this or that. I started to read psychological books when I was senior 1, and had started to approach to psychology before that.… now I have the thoughts of looking for help from therapist again, but haven't taken any real action. Thank you, Kati. I like you.

[@juliethompson3023]

I have adopted 3 kiddos who all have came from a home with severe neglect. So trying to get them to have better attachment styles has been really hard. The hardest has been my now 4 year old who came to us when he was 2. Try for him to understand that we are there for him has been very difficult cause he’s very independent.

[@MegaGangsta4life]

Your videos make me feel hopeful, and that I'm not a fucked up person

[@dianediane1245]

I learned so much in this video!! Thank you for your help!

[@DanielkaElliott]

This, especially with her wording such as "anchor" and "base" reminds me of the Simon Armitage poem "Mother, any distance"

[@schwammi]

I get super attached to people really fast, and I always kind of need attention and do things to draw it on me, but as soon as I get it, I feel extremely uncomfortable. Depending on the situation between anxious, mad, overwhelmed and generally lots of regret.

[@astridmyst]

This video is so interesting. I had no idea there was such thing as an attachment style. It really makes me think.

[@monochromaticaddict311]

A little bit of 2 and 4. My father has an unpredictable explosive temper, and because I was the oldest I often got the worst of it. When I, as a child, would get upset, he would often tell me I was being crazy and that I was overreacting, but he himself would blow up and lose control of his temper whenever I didn't do something right on the first try (oh the irony). My mom was alright, but she didn't know how to deal with it correctly, and when she, too, was frustrated, she would leave us to the mercy of his anger. So I learned pretty quickly that I had to take care of myself because sometimes I didn't feel safe going to my parents for love. I don't always push people away, but I have a very hard time making friends and feeling comfortable with people initially because I don't know how they're going to react when their true colors show. Sometimes I will also unexpectedly open up to strangers about my past and then things will get hella awkward and they'll push me away because theyll feel uncomfortable because I accidentally overshared about my past again. I hate it and I'm trying to change, but it's hard when support has been rather spotty for you over the years

[@jordanjessica2708]

Hey kati! Could you do a video on absent fathers/mothers and the affects of it? I love your videos and i'm so happy i found your channel 💜

[@minimongoose]

I think a good topic to discuss would be how people respond differently to stimuli and why. I seem to have a lot of sensitivities concerning stimuli and takes a gigantic toll on my mental health. It seems like every sensory input is grating against my brain all day, every day. Depression is extremely difficult not to fall into, and anxiety goes haywire during major events where either the sounds are too loud, the lights are too bright, the smells are overpowering, I can feel my heartbeat constantly, there's a constant need to shudder and reset what my brain is processing, and my skin won't stop bugging me to pay attention to it and just scratch and rub everywhere

[@elseradtke5969]

lol, halt is just perfect. I dont know if you said this in your video but halt is german meaning stop so (at least for me) its really easy to memorise. also, hungry, angry, lonly tired sounds yust great ^^ (not like great feelings but great for keeping someone away)

[@creature_skin]

Not sure which one fits me best, but I definitely valued strangers' attention just as much as my parents when I was young. My parents were definitely very invalidating, especially my dad.

[@whimsicalaubrey1413]

This is an excellent video. I have heard of the attachment styles but I have not heard them described in a way that I really understood until I watched this. Thank you.

[@MoonstoneSiren]

I identify with disorganized attachement style. I haven't talked to my therapist about my attachement style but my therapist helps me to learn how to communicate my needs, fears and strong feelings like anger.

[@jeffrybrickley870]

Definitely #2 for me. Insecure-Avoidant. Even at 4, I hid my broken arm from my broken arm from my mother. I knew even then that I would get little help there. She did take me to the hospital, but even though the setting process all I could was stare at her wondering when I would get punished.

[@arielbaez8873]

KATI MORTON IS VERY BEATIFUL

[@petiewheat82]

If your diet and exercise routines are not consistent, you will have chemical reactions happening in your body and brain that will SEEK OUT reasons to flare up. People sometimes think the cause of triggers or emotional reactions are outside of themselves, but they are oftentimes due to poor diet, lack of sleep, and lack of consistent exercise routine, which will regulate the energy in your body. Not to mention the unpredictable influence of drugs with addictive properties like caffeine, alcohol, sugar, etc. Having said all that, the therapy perspective is indeed very valuable for raising awareness of how you think. It will give you tools to break down problems into manageable components and help you to start taking action in curating how you want to experience your life. I would just like to add that you are fighting against your own interests if you neglect the physical stuff and wonder where your anxiety is coming from.

[@petiewheat82]

Ok wow i just typed all that and then she said basically the same thing in a few sentences at 8:53

[@peregrination3643]

Disorganized sounds close. Maybe mild, like a secure-disorganized mix. As a kid, I was clingy to my parents, older brother, and closest friends. Yet it always comes with fear and insecurity, like they're the best options in a pool of options I'm unsure about. Opening up is always tricky, and I test the waters a couple of times first. Results can be me retreating, me opening up but getting belittling remarks, or me opening up and getting a helpful response. But your options are your options, so you hang on to the ones you have the best chances with.

[@rebeccaclark9561]

Hey Kati, just started watching you and the way you deliver information is so helpful and encouraging. Thank you!

[@berthaorozco4004]

Dear Kati, I have to thank you so much for all this information deliver it in a very easy way to understand, it's helping me a lot with my studies, sending you good vibes, from Vancouver, BC

[@BethFrecks]

I love this video. You always have a brilliant way of explaining things, you give examples from everyday life which is helpful! 😊

[@ieatgremlins]

Thank you so much for this informative video. This is unrelated but I wanted to say I recently found your channel and it has helped me a lot with trying to understand my eating disorder, why I restrict as a punitive measure and how it is okay to make mistakes ( I relapsed with my purging a few weeks ago). I'm so grateful for your knowledge and kindness.

[@dedghostie]

I really love this video being uploaded the day after me and my therapist discussed my attachment issues it helps me better understand it

[@dinushaamarasinghe2327]

I'm diagnosed with BPD, but I can't afford to have a therapist. But, I have watched all your videos and taken down notes, and I have even downloaded the book you recommended. I hope that I will be better soon, but practicing certain things is time consuming. Anyway, I find u to be my therapist, cz in most of the videos I feel ur addressing me personally. Cz, ur talking about exactly what I am undergoing. So, thx, please talk about childhood triggers as a reason to BPD more. I really want to get to the core of it.

[@abbysian]

i think i’m insecure avoidant. i reallllly struggle with relationships; i trust nobody, so i avoid all kinds of connection. it’s probably my most challenging struggle of all because clearly, having watched your video, it comes from attachment as a baby. this is such an important video, & i’m so grateful that you’ve covered it. do you have any videos on the individual attachment styles? i think it would be amazing if you were able to explore each one further. thank you ever so much for all that you do, & for the hope at the end. much of the time i fear i’ll never find ‘normality’ in relation to relationships, but hopefully one day i will. lots of love kati ❤️

[@OhHeyItsCheyyyy]

Such an interesting video, Kati! I just learned about the attachment types in my psychology class a few weeks ago, in our chapter on human development. I love being able to watch your videos to learn more about the topics we cover in class.☺️

[@kennedyclarke7698]

Hey Katie, you've really helped me with my problems by telling me a lot of things I need to know. Thanks for that 😊😊😊

[@riell.4021]

i used to be the 4th one, but lately my single mother has been taking the time to understand me and we have quite a better relationship now. although before that it was really hard to deal things with my own. i think we both worked ourselves out and learned a lot of things.

[@poisonousjinx9823]

I love your videos, they help me a lot

[@ynotw57]

I’ve never heard of insecure ambivalent. However, it is the closest I can identify with. I believe my issue here is when I talk to a professional, I don’t let them in because I’m uncomfortable with it. When I have tried, I don’t believe my issues are taken seriously, or that the therapist is only looking for key things to prescribe medication, which is not what I want. That’s not being able to control; that’s placing a bandage over an artery which will not stop bleeding, in my opinion. Is it irony when one feels so helpless or is self-loathing that s/he cares not for her/himself yet seeks help? Regardless...I’m tired. Of a lot of things. Through your videos, seeing and hearing about these things which resonate with me make me feel like there is some hope. Thank you.