Attachment theory: How Childhood Affects Relationships

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@NarcBoxTheory 10 ай бұрын

This is what I worked out about my attachment issues via my childhood. I’m vulnerable to manipulation, due to my sense of self never being constructed via co-regulation by my caregivers. The constant avoidance of accountability by them & berating of my senses. Left my ability to form solid boundaries & the conviction to defend them inactive. I fawn in the face of toxicity & forgoes my own needs and desires. This has left me recognising toxic people as safe due to familiarity. It takes years to get to this conclusion… & we all get there in different ways.

@LewisPsychology 10 ай бұрын

It sounds like you have done alot of work on yourself. Thank you for sharing your insights. Best wishes, Teresa.

@NarcBoxTheory 10 ай бұрын

@@LewisPsychology yes it’s been a turbulent 5 years. Was in narcissistic relationship. Which ended as they do. Completely destroyed my mental health. 5 breakdowns later & discovering my life has been in a narcissistic family unit. All fell into place when my father passed away & we were left with our mother. Who discarded her children (50,53 & 56) very distressing, but I’m climbing up out of it now. Thank you for kind words ❤️‍🩹

@SevillaILove 9 ай бұрын

@thesagemeister Wow, this is marvelously well stated with helpful clarity and insight. You must be a good teacher (in whatever you may share with others). I have not thought about why some are easily manipulated vs others who are not, they stand strong in their convictions until they choose to shift based on evidence, rather coercion or manipulation. You opened a door of curiosity for me. (More rabbit holes to put put on my list! *LOL*)

@KeithWickliffe79 10 ай бұрын

My therapist suggested I read Erik Eriksons Psychosocial Stages as I am having attachment issues with my family. It scared the hell out of me. Trust vs Mistrust, Autonomy vs Shame and Doubt. I was able to see that I have more than just attachment issues. I think this video will be helpful. Thanks

@LewisPsychology 10 ай бұрын

I’m pleased to hear the video is helpful. Best wishes, Teresa.

@ShintogaDeathAngel 10 ай бұрын

I think I might find that book helpful, too - thank you for sharing the title!

@katieg7679 10 ай бұрын

I am disorganized. It's funny because if I had watched this same video in High School I would've had no idea that was me.

@marials9245 10 ай бұрын

I love how clearly you explain everything Teresa, thanks for the video!

@LewisPsychology 10 ай бұрын

Thanks for your support. Best wishes, Teresa.

@syzygy4365 10 ай бұрын

I feel like I started out in my adult life with a very secure attachment style except in my teen years. Luckily I had my head in the right place and I learned to rely on myself when I couldn't rely on others. Fast-forward into dating I was independent and caring. Red flags and boundaries weren't a staple. I was the bread winner, and this enabled my ex to fault on supporting and taking responsibility. Expecting him to care when I couldn't provide caused him to resent me just like I was burnt out on providing and working myself to death. Seeing how the shoe never quite fit on the other foot, things really took a turn for the worst. Now I'm struggling to see what a healthy relationship looks like. Thank you for this.

@LewisPsychology 10 ай бұрын

I’m sorry to hear what you have been through. Best wishes, Teresa.

@syzygy4365 10 ай бұрын

This is the clearest explanation of attachment styles Ive ever found. Thank you!!

@LewisPsychology 10 ай бұрын

Wow, thank you! Best wishes, Teresa.

@juliana.x0x0 10 ай бұрын

I have a disorganized attachment style, was just talking about it with my therapist last week! Luckily I am working on reparenting/IFS and I think it's been helpful, although it takes time...gotta trust the process.

@LewisPsychology 10 ай бұрын

Good to hear you are working on this in therapy. I have videos on reparenting and IFS which you may find useful. Wishing all the best with your therapy. Teresa.

@valentinagiusti8684 10 ай бұрын

Nice to see you again !!

@LewisPsychology 10 ай бұрын

Thank you. It’s great to be back. Best wishes, Teresa.

@specterowl1440 10 ай бұрын

Great to see you again. Beautiful informative video! Thank you

@LewisPsychology 10 ай бұрын

Thank you so much. It’s great to be back. Best wishes, Teresa.

@athgowla687 10 ай бұрын

I was very lucky with my parents and have a secure attachment. I was even more lucky to meet this wonderful human being, a young woman wanting to get into a romantic relationship. Unfortunately, she has avoidant or even disorganised attachment. We had great years in a long distance relationship, but the next step, moving in together, got her anxiety triggered. I really hope she can overcome her fears, but she refuses my help and now contact. I feel powerless.😢 And yet our love is so strong.💝 For now I can only hope for the best.

@LewisPsychology 10 ай бұрын

I hope it works out for you. Best wishes, Teresa.

@athgowla687 10 ай бұрын

@@LewisPsychology Thanks, I hope so too! I can only hope she tackles this fear of commitment and support her if she lets me.

@rod4530 5 ай бұрын

As usual - very well communicated. Thank you.

@LewisPsychology 5 ай бұрын

Thank you kindly! Best wishes, Teresa.

@chillycheeks5318 5 ай бұрын

Very helpful, informative and just a bit scary. Helped me understand myself! Thank you. A bit to work on going forward.

@MandyWoodArtist 9 ай бұрын

Great video as usual from lewis

@LewisPsychology 9 ай бұрын

Thanks 👍 Best wishes, Teresa.

@ShintogaDeathAngel 10 ай бұрын

Is it possible to have some friends/family members where you do have a more secure attachment, but your overall attachment style with everyone else is different? I've definitely had a friend or two where I wasn't (as) afraid of being abandoned, but overall, I still don't have a great attachment to most other people I know - even my adoptive mother - including poor emotional constancy/what people with ADHD might call poor object constancy (aka, out of sight, out of mind, even for people I've considered best friend material in some cases). I do know my early years' experience caused the initial damage - I was adopted because my birth mum developed postpartum psychosis and didn't bond with me properly even after two years - *but*, I also don't think my adoptive family were that helpful either, overall, in terms of helping me learn to connect with others and learn things like emotional intimacy and trust. I've been in therapy for about 3 years and it is helping, but I still have work to do and much to learn.

@LewisPsychology 10 ай бұрын

Thanks for your question. You can also have different attachment styles with different people. Because of your past experiences, there may be certain people with whom you feel more secure.Wishing you all the best with your therapy. Best wishes, Teresa.

@ShintogaDeathAngel 10 ай бұрын

@@LewisPsychology thanks very much for your response :)

@SgNurse 4 ай бұрын

We have the same story 😢

@francescopoma2046 8 ай бұрын

I'm not positive about my attachment style, I've had an anxious one with the majority of the people I've interacted with...I felt like needing constant validation by my peers, and this led me to being bullied, manipulative friendships and emotional abuse as well. Growing up I've been working a lot on myself, I managed to cut off the toxic bonds and to create good friendships with people I deeply trust and with which I feel a secure attachment. Nonetheless I may have an avoidant or even disorganized one when it comes to romantic relationships...I've dated very little in my life, and I used to be very anxious whenever I did, always dreading both to hurt and being hurt, which again led me to a toxic relationship some years ago that lasted only a few months. Since then I've had almost no interactions with girls and as of now I feel too afraid, nervous and emotionally drained to try again in spite of a part of me that would like to and of my young age (I'm still in my early 20s)

@cairosilver2932 10 ай бұрын

If secure attachment is secure, then wouldn't it have some amount of tolerance or acceptance for other attachment styles? Say someone is anxious attachment and on a scale of 0 to 100 for needing ongoing reassurance they have worked their need down to a ten or even lower, but still above zero. If someone is secure then they would have some capacity for acceptance of that need? If you're working towards secure attachment because other apparently secure people have no tolerance for other styles, are they secure or are they a sort of 'contingent secure' and they are only secure if you are? "I'm okay, but if you're not entirely okay then you're not okay". Which would really be a kind of avoidant attachment, though with plenty of friends (all based on contingent attachments).

@LewisPsychology 10 ай бұрын

Someone with a secure attachment style would have a degree of acceptance but they would never engage in psychological game play. Someone with a secure attachment style has good self esteem and would not allow themselves to be mistreated. Best wishes, Teresa.

@cairosilver2932 10 ай бұрын

@@LewisPsychologyThanks for your reply. I think while it's possible people can just not click with each other (and that's fine), I think even low levels of anxious attachment or avoidant attachment might have a strong effect on whether apparently secure people click with low level anxious/avoidant. Possibly a moderation analysis might show up this pattern, with either low levels of anxious attachment or avoidant attachment significantly moderating the relationship (with a negative relationship) between an apparently secure person's time spent with someone who is low level anxious/avoidant and level of familiarity/friendship developed.

@yumark5800 8 ай бұрын

I just was assessed to have disorganized and still at 28 years old, I have trouble making and maintaining relationships with others……

@Sand_sea_ 10 ай бұрын

This is really informative video.. I think I have mix of the three insecure attachments, I have no idea what to do about it 😅

@LewisPsychology 10 ай бұрын

Practice secure attachment behaviours whenever you can. The later part of my video explains. Best wishes, Teresa.

@graceh1320 4 ай бұрын

Could you elaborate about the specific neurological studies and brain studies relating to attachment styles? I would really appreciate it :)

@LewisPsychology 4 ай бұрын

I think that would involve making another video. Best wishes, Teresa

@mladenovity 10 ай бұрын

Is it possible to have both avoidant and anxious attachmnet style at the same time?

@LewisPsychology 10 ай бұрын

You can have a different attachment style with different people. Best wishes, Teresa.

@catherinefrias7629 10 ай бұрын

How does sleep training, such as cry it out, affect attachment style ?

@LewisPsychology 10 ай бұрын

Research in attachment theory has shown that sensitive response to the child's signals is one of the most important factors in forming a secure attachment. Best wishes, Teresa.

@biff_handstands 10 ай бұрын

It will teach the baby their needs don't matter. Cry it out likely isn't sleep training, it's probably neglect. Read How to Parent by Fitzhugh Dodson