Why Failure is Liberating | Dr. K Interviews

[@DiegoSenge]

funny how he says he's wasted 3 and a half months and i've been sitting here for ike 6 years wasting my life away trying to ignore all my thoughts

[@Thiago1337]

Putz

[@shimaalcarrim7949]

I know right

[@agdgdgwngo]

So relatable dude. I'm sat here listening thinking, "whoa, for me its not 3 and half months but 8 years, and it's not just my education or career it's pretty much everything". I'm trying though

[@seanf57]

@@agdgdgwngo Totally the same, to both of you. Glad that you're still trying!

[@radiofrog]

oh hey it's me

[@ZePopTart]

24:20 & 38:20 I LOVE that Dr. K isn’t afraid to say “you’re failing”, because it’s so insulting and counterproductive when a therapist tries to convince you that you’re not.

[@mortalkomment8028]

Toxic positivity is toxic, indeed.

[@erisunflower]

Dr. K is such an inspiration to me ((and I’m sure others :P)). I realised I can be pretty toxic positive and that’s something I also need to work on... Picked it up from my grandma and I get she just wants the best for me but you know....

[@flowerbloom5782]

I felt it was so brutal but necessary. I guess therapist don’t want to make a patient get worse you know. But dr k handles it well cause he has awareness of the situation.

[@davepowell4216]

I was a "gifted" student, everything was easy until it wasn't. I got my girlfriend pregnant. I married her. Then we lost the baby. I then tried to keep doing college, learn how to be a husband, work. It was too much, I broke. I could barely get out of bed. Marriage dissolved. I ended up back in my parents house. It was by blind luck and being told I had to leave that I found something to do. it took me 20 years to realize that I was in a looping cycle of depression that was based on my expectations for myself and my spectacular failure.

[@avacadomangobanana2588]

You have a very human story. It is easy to play up your failures when they’re YOUR failures, but your experience as a whole is incredibly human.

[@amerstain]

woah dude. that sounds so rough. I personally relate to the part when you said "it was too much, i broke" i'm still figuring my stuff out, but i hope you were able to get better, wish u the best

[@TheErgunPascu]

Holy fuck...these stories need to live in the general discussion outside of academia. The soul crushing fear of failure is crippling, and paradoxically the most toxic poison to learning and inspiration, which grad school is rife with...inspiration to produce self a transcending research paper or another type of insightful analysis requires patience, but most if all inspiration to connect new ideas with existing and novel information. All of this takes time, and when our identities are also wrapped up with our perceived sense of self-worth as determined by the completion of these assignments, likely from unfortunate developmental events, which is also notable, never mind all the other self sustaining engagements you've been putting off in the bucket of "rationalized postponement", shit gets over-fucking-whelming. That's what a friend told me, not at all a personal confession...don't accuse me of that 😂.

[@withyoctopus]

That's so sad. Did you ever get married again? Do you have children now?

[@davepowell4216]

Yes. I have two great kids. Unfortunately, we lost my 2nd wife to cancer when my kids were pre-teen. Geez, my life sounds like a Lifetime movie :D@@withyoctopus

[@da40128]

I'm sitting here a PhD student. I can definitely see people like him in my office. And have been through it myself. Upon starting my PhD I've been chucked into 2 supervisors who were total dicks and just thought I shouldn't be there. They literally told me to quit. 2 or 3 months after all this I managed to switch supervisors. I'm super lucky to have had a friend help me get through this who kept encouraging me and telling me that they cannot expect all this from me and they're being dicks and I shouldn't be expected to know all this stuff and do all this stuff in my first few months of the PhD. He told me it's possible to switch supervisors and I took that option. My current supervisors couldn't be better now and I'm really grateful for them. It's been such a learning curve about myself and about everything. I'm 2 years in to my PhD and honestly the person today is a complete different person who started the PhD. I bumped into Dr. K like 4 or 5 months ago and he's just been amazing for my life.

[@D_Jilla]

That's great to hear friend

[@chillernokiller1926]

and here I am struggling with my beachlor...

[@ksta1996]

totally agree, all is down to supervisor, some of them just shouldn't be dealing with people. best wishes to fellow Pole, all the best! in your PhD man!

[@DamianSzajnowski]

Lul, they either don't want to and or cannot do their job properly, then. That should be reported in addition to switching.

[@mortalkomment8028]

Supervisors are key. If they suck, you probably won't make it. They know the field and the rules. You don't. So they should support you. But some of them aren't supportive at all. So you are on your own where you should definitely get support. That's a terrible situation. If switching isn't possible, then abandoning the project is usually the better choice. Wasting years without a perspective or any benefits can be a crushing experience. And most people outside of academia won't understand. So you're lost if that happens. And way too many supervisors aren't capable of support. Way too many. They make thousands upon thousands of prospects into depressed victims of self-doubt and regret. Watch out! Is your supervisor capable or not? Switch or quit if not!

[@mayaeidolon5623]

I love how Dr. K shares his knowledge. He always checks in and makes sure he understands exactly where the person is at. I think he genuinely cares more about helping people then affirming his own knowledge or identity.

[@SakuraWulf]

That's what they are supposed to do... I do agree that there are some that aren't as good at doing this but that's common sense.

[@duel2803]

He’s explained in a video once that he fully understands himself and the relation of his thoughts and emotions and how they work. So he’s able to put himself in others shoes and not be effected afterwards

[@YourEyes-wl8ke]

so common sense for a therapist

[@pk4780]

"I want to stop feeling like shit but I don't want to go back to that high-pressure environment for success" This guy is so relatable, it's eerie. I'm so lost in life because nothing appeals to me. Not degenerating into playing games all day nor chasing success as a disciplined billionaire entrepreneur nor even just having a mediocre life.

[@travistarp7466]

Same. its hard to progress towards something when you really don't care about it.

[@stktenioudakis]

i m tired of the cycle itself, the cycle of my patterns, i reach freakout land i scrape by and when the sun appears to arrive over the horizon i make promises to myself the sun shines bright i start doing the same shit i did and changing nothing and then it happens again, i cant even trust myself anymore i wish i could because the night is pitchblack and the sun is nowhere to be found it seems

[@aaroninternet4159]

I'd recommend reading "War and Peace" by Tolstoy, if nothing else you will find characters to relate to who struggle with this existential malaise.

[@Netherlag1]

I think it's because gaming offers constant entertainment and if we grow up playing games and doing almost nothing else, because nothing supplies so much dopamine, then we don't discover other things which we would like and which we could turn into a career or healthy hobby. I think the only solution is to force to go out and discover

[@travistarp7466]

@@Netherlag1 ​ Yes, i'd advise a dopamine detox for anyone struggling with motivation. if you overstimulate the brain the dopamine receptors will become less sensitive to protect themselves, in turn normal things seem more mundane.

[@faceofdead]

The sense of failure and expectations led me to the same place in university. I was miserable for 5 years in there, didn't even graduate. The single reason that so many of us see events in life as failures and missed opportunities, rather than lessons and data is rather sad and a real curse. Before, i was happy to make other people happy - it made me happy. Today i cannot even make myself happy. Beating myself down until my value goes to 0 and my life doesn't feel worth anymore. That is what all this is leading to :/ It led me to the feeling of begging for help, to the desire of more criticism and as Dr. K mentioned - i wanted someone to tell me what a procrastinating peace of sh*t i turned into. To unlock some emotion that can wake me up and save me. I know all this is a big part of the victim mind set, but i am making progress and things are looking more positive. Thank you for this content and be healthy!

[@jrgenhgset4120]

Same but dropped out of therapy twice

[@levitastic]

exactly !

[@plaarwnleelrl]

I graduated and never applied for jobs because of this... I need to change. I also need to watch this video but i paused after the first 16 seconds because it got too real.

[@DeusEx3]

I really liked how he pointed out that it's okay to cut yourself some slack. Three months of RuneScape is not the end of the world if that's what you gotta do to be able to put yourself back together.

[@UCvow2TUIH0d2Ax2vik9ILzg]

What about five years? I don't even think Dr Alok would be able to find an excuse for me.

[@fenriswolf3589]

@@UCvow2TUIH0d2Ax2vik9ILzg You shouldn't play the cards you wish you had in life, you should play the cards that are on your hand right now. Regardless of how bad a situation may seem, as long as you don't start changing things, you will keep yourself in that loop forever.

[@fenriswolf3589]

@@UCvow2TUIH0d2Ax2vik9ILzg Watch, Dr K's - Overanalyzing, Fear of Failure and Escape to Fantasy World video, I guess that might help you figure out few things

[@fungling7982]

@@UCvow2TUIH0d2Ax2vik9ILzg Also just know that it was the factors you were born in that turned you into who you are, you were fated to be in this position from the start. But you can still change into what you want to be.

[@julyol119]

I come from an academic family and have many acquaintances that are academics. And it's such a snake pit. So many of them were abused by their PhD supervisors. My own mother also had such a bad experience, that she dropped out and never got her PhD. My father had a great supervisor and went on to have a great career in academia. And I'm happy for him of course, but what I'm really proud of is that he isn't an ass to his students. He takes a lot of his personal time to answer questions and encourages students to correct him, if they find mistakes in his presentations etc. All his PhD kids have a good relationship with him even after they leave and he helps them find jobs and stuff. Funnily enough, when I find mistakes in other people's presentations or scripts he told me not to mention it to the profs or do it after my grades are settled, since he friggin knows how many of them will see that as an attack instead of a chance to correct the mistake and not look stupid for it being there.

[@shallowwatersoriginal]

Same experience here with my mom and dad but I am struggling in Academia.

[@billytran3692]

How often is there an active conversation in a classroom? I don’t think I’ve seen it. An environment where people talk freely on the subject matter and are okay with being corrected without being made to feel stupid

[@SETHthegodofchaos]

Exactly! Feeling not wrong is valued higher than sharing and gaining knowledge. I watched a documentary about khancademy making an experiment using their software with the flipped classroom concept and it seems like the best thing in education ever. Its what education should be.

[@ipklan2]

Life is a classroom.

[@Majestic469]

truee

[@isabella7p]

Or at least let us know that we can learn how to not let anyone make us feel anything

[@wabdih]

Very rare. I have had certain days in certain classes where it has happened and it's almost magical. Everyone enjoys class that day

[@seignee]

the dude in this interview is my idol. the course he was in was exactly the kind of course i want to pursue and ahh his reactions just resonate with mine. idk. he's so cool. i hope he sees the comments supporting him

[@Neonb88]

He also seemed pretty humble and open about things. He would say "I don't know" a lot, which I always find opens people up to good, honest conversations, and he obviously prepared a bit and was reflecting about his journey As someone who has been through (a) similar situation(s), I was glad to hear what Dr. K thought

[@leeselset5751]

This person you're speaking to... I'm getting triggered FOR him based on how this horrifically manipulative, toxic person basically set him up for failure, and then picked apart every piece of his work in the most destructive way possible. This seriously feels like exactly the kind of thing my abusive ex would do. Is it any wonder why he quit? I would too!

[@nhexum3031]

Dr. K is awesome. I’m 40 now, and I wish I’d had a resource like this when I was fresh out of undergrad. I had some supervisors early in my career who were a lot like the guest’s PI. Those experiences damaged me emotionally for a long time. Our culture has a tendency to mentally torture and break diligent, smart, motivated 20 somethings. Then older generations wonder why 20 somethings suck so much.

[@AlphaSections]

Exactly, that's what happened to me.

[@robertclayton9356]

I dropped out of a PhD in the last year and out of the last 4 students in my lab, 3 dropped out. I cannot explain how much I needed to hear what Dr. K said about academia. In my circumstance, the PI was given an experiment that needed 5 times the personnel we had to run. He was genuinely empathetic to his students, it was not his fault what happened. I had done everything I understood that I needed to do, and I never felt it was close to enough. The institution of academia has failed him and all his students that went through what I did, and I am only recently coming to terms with that fact. The good news though is that I'm taking steps to move forward with my life, and am expecting to be interviewed for a job in the next few weeks. I can now build my life by a design that I can construct as my own, which makes me feel free-er that I ever felt when chasing the academic career. To anyone who 'fails' the academic career, there is life outside it, and it can be very exciting if you make it your own.

[@NT-td1xr]

As a recovering " potential" addict, i hope he is doing better now. Dr. K is right, potential is a drug

[@qdllc]

I never thought of failure as “liberating” until I had to accept a goal I wanted would never realistically happen for me. It was soul crushing, but accepting the game was over and I wasn’t a “winner” took so much weight off my shoulders…along with a good portion of anger and bitterness. So many years I expected results that weren’t guaranteed, and the more I failed to attain, the more angry I became.

[@MrCanadianAviator]

1:38:40 The start of the meditation. Just a timestamp for myself in the future when I come back here.

[@vikingthedude]

Thanks from the future

[@alejrandom6592]

Thx bro, hope ur doing well ;)

[@Victor-vm2hs]

Failed out of law school and relate so much to this guy. Been looking so hard for someone who I can relate to. Thank you so much to both of you

[@boomsamson7418]

best thing that ever happened to you. This is coming from someone who made it through and is practicing and struggling hard and wants to leave but has so much more invested.

[@nah_.]

@@boomsamson7418 how are you doing now? Wishing you the best

[@Wow-hr1gl]

hope y'all doing good

[@Yhushe]

"Acceptance is freedom" Great words

[@DeusEx3]

*You shouldn't plan your life based on what you think you should do or what you're capable of...* This just blev my mind. I've been operating under those false assumptions all my life. Of course I should pursue what is most meaningful for me - and by extension, the world - and that thing doesn't have to be the most prestigious or fancy.... Well, fuck!

[@KCIsMe]

@Bunnicula Vampire Bunny I like dis quote

[@iciel1009]

time stamp please?

[@redacted4176]

@@iciel1009 1:10:46

[@Sindoku]

23:30 when says “you got fucked” were the words going through my head for like 5 minutes and Dr K finally led this guy to saying it and made him realize it too. Pure genius moment right there.

[@Sindoku]

Zach almost cries so hard after this moment too.

[@raresharsan234]

I really feel for the guy. A lot is expected from me too and people have gotten used to me delivering top notch result consistently so when I succeed for them is like business as usual but they do not try to imagine the cost and sacrifices (my mental health being mostly) that are paid for the result.

[@PXNTI]

romania. asta e raspunsu

[@fungling7982]

Dr K's newest video might help if you wanna learn to make work less strenuous.

[@pseudonymousbeing987]

@@fungling7982 Which video is this?

[@fungling7982]

@@pseudonymousbeing987 How I Focus in a World of Algorithms, I think

[@allbies]

33:00 had me in tears because I have felt and often still feel this way about my own life and I've spent 8 years struggling with the consequences of not living up to the potential I had set for myself and that I know I'm capable of but an event in my life that wasn't even super serious on paper changed my mental state and I've struggled to recover.

[@coscorrodrift]

Feels almost shallow to write this comment but doing the meditation at the end I started crying. I've been just crying more lately but it's usually with something, with thoughts, songs, or movies, but crying just by being aware of me, when you said that thing of letting yourself be you, and I realized that all those negative emotions where in my chest but that there was more me, just made me cry. Not sure why but it certainly didn't feel happy crying, I just felt inundated by the sadness of it all. But it was when you were saying those beautiful words so I really don't know. Honestly I'd love to be in this show but without it being a show hahaha, I feel like the title that would go on the video would be too humiliating for me to want my face to be on it.But I will keep watching to see if I can piece something together, and I will write notes. I haven't written any yet but I'm going to start.

[@witwinters2441]

I hope you're doing well friend ❤

[@coscorrodrift]

@@witwinters2441 Thank you. It depends, I would say that I've grown a bit since a year ago in some aspects, but I do feel basically the same as a year ago when I wrote that comment. I was meditating much more back then, but I think I eventually stopped after getting a bit busier with an internship and such. I've rewatched the end of that video and I'd still probably cry if i did the exercise, i still live with all this negative emotion in my chest. I don't know if i'll ever get rid of it, but if I'm feeling optimistic, I get the sense that maybe I'll learn to live with it and not let it stop me being me, and not let it stop me find people who see good in me. So far I'm not good with that, i think i'm holding a lot of stuff back, but it only makes sense with how i've grown up mixed with my personality. But I feel like I'm learning to see what causes all these negative feelings, and that's the first step.

[@rellao2521]

It doesn't sound shallow at all. It sounds like you've been through some tough things and you need time and support to process those feelings, and maybe you haven't been able to

[@frostgiant6006]

I saw this interview before. I am in such a bad place right now so I came back to it. I'm in my final year of medical school and unfortunately covid hit and my practicals/clinics were cancelled the whole year. We finished the whole year course in half a month back in December 2020 which was to say the least, very inadequate. To make things worst, I study in a state where the language is completely foreign to me so I typically take longer to learn all that are taught in class.(with the help of youtube and seniors) which was not possible this year since the boards were suddenly announced. Just finished my theory board exams and practicals are coming up. In fact I have one tomorrow. Have been completely burnt out and anxious and unable to study. I know I'm going to fail this time and I absolutely know the Professors are gonna berate me tomorrow. I am so happy Dr K is doing these interviews.

[@mortalkomment8028]

So what happened? Hope you're in a better place now

[@sophs7732]

hello relatable people on the internet, i hope you are doing much better now. currently in my final semester for pharmacy school and pretty sure ill fail. this vid def helps. hope all is well for you

[@atmaweapon3958]

this has been the most relatable discussion for me yet. thank you.

[@smam7667]

i really really like this dude. I hope he finds a new job and fixes his mindset. You can do it!

[@liviu445]

I see failure like I see dissonance in music, the dissonance (actual life changing experiences) is what brings the feeling, while the consonance is what sounds good to the ear (expectations).

[@liviu445]

@@avertingapathy3052 WDYM?

[@AstarTiamat]

I can see that

[@Daniel-wj5tl]

Beautiful analogy- the dissonance creates a longing for returning to harmony. Just like tension leads to resolution. So by creating problems we are generating the innate capacity within ourselves to help and self heal. By failing we make room to build for the new

[@rishab9761]

Halfway through my masters right now and I cant stop relating to his situation. Thank you Dr K for all the service you do to this community. You are truly god sent.

[@saumyasharma7436]

Hope you succeeded

[@rishab9761]

​@@saumyasharma7436 I did with a lot of struggle and things worked out really well as I was graduating. The struggle years really gave me a clear perspective of what's important in life.

[@mars-vf3kx]

Had this exact same experience in a PhD program...so relatable

[@AstroFerko]

Thank you for doing this Zach. I relate to your experience quite a bit. I was always faster than others at getting things done growing up, had impostor syndrome while getting a degree in astronomy & astrophysics from the third best program in the USA up until the day I received my degree in the mail, and I've been living at home job searching in my field for nearly a year now. And ofc COVID19 doesn't help whatsoever. I've had over a dozen interviews and a few second interviews but nothing has panned out yet; It's so frustrating being stuck in life despite having done everything you are supposed to do. We find our paths by walking them. And thanks Dr. K for your work. "We rise until we equilibrate" is such a great realization. I've always used the analogy of being a big fish in a small pond which is then thrown into the ocean where there are bigger fish to describe this feeling of inadequacy that's imposed by comparison to others.

[@catsaur]

Which university? I have a lot of interest in astronomy, have volunteered at observatories, as a hobby etc.. but the physics scares me tbh. Might go to ucsc.

[@AstroFerko]

@@catsaur I went to PSU. If you want to get into astronomy you have to face your fear of physics, there's no way around it. Astronomy& astrophysics has physics in the name after all. You might be able to get by with less physics if you go for a planetary science or astrobiology degree, which would replace some physics classes with biology/geology. Best of luck!

[@catsaur]

@Ferko yeah, it’s a bit rough to realize that I may not like a career in astronomy despite being super passionate about the field. At the very least I’ll stay around for outreach work which I still do. I’m taking an intro physics calc course to see if I care at all for it. Thanks for the reply!

[@Aiden-tb1qv]

Here just moments after failing a practical exam in PT school. Thanks Dr. K, it’s alway calming just to hear you think through things. Feeling all kinds of failure like feelings.

[@linn5696]

This might be out of context but this remind me of the Black Mirror episode ''Nosedive''. The more you rise the higher the expectations or pressure becomes, until you abandon them, liberate. Amazing and informational video, I think it brings hope to the people who've been and are in a dark place. It is truly in the darkest place that you are open for the greatest change. Thank you for this video and for putting your knowledge and people's stories out to the world.

[@apexIegends]

This is probably my favorite session. Thanks Dr. K and Zach, I learned a lot from this one.

[@levitastic]

Been and still am in his situation for about 10 years now, can't seem to get out of it. I live alone, have nobody to actually push me to do stuff. I try to get into groups that DO and stimulate me to just do shit, but that's like once every week, the other hours I am alone with my thoughts, without much feeling, much motivation, 0 passion.. So JUST DO IT, doesn't cut it most of the time. Not completely the same but some areas really resonate here with me. Hopefully I can get on my feet at some point, because adding value with your existence is key to feel something.. I just don't know how yet.

[@pianosenzanima1]

We are all broken

[@yes0r787]

... more or less.

[@OwnedByTheState]

The thread I am starting to see that winds through so many of these discussions is that we are composed of so many different things; emotions, thoughts, beliefs, our parents expectations, society's expectations, on and on. And in order to put ourselves back together in better ways we must dissect and disassemble these things and really try to analyze these components.

[@redacted4176]

45:10 1:07:19 1:10:46 - " *You shouldn't plan your life based on what you think you should do or what you're capable of* , but *you'll start to devote yourself towards doing things that you care about and not worrying about whether you do a good enough job* . If you have a love for science, you should pursue science, but you shouldn't get bogged down in getting a PhD. Does that mean you will get a PhD? Sure, why not. But it doesn't mean that getting a PhD is the goal, the PhD is just because otherwise it's gonna be hard to do science. " 1:20:04 - " I don't define myself by a particular profession. " 1:26:08 1:29:30

[@mintee8638]

If one is failing at something, one idea could be to ask, "Am I making progress? Am I learning anything?" One could break the task into smaller and smaller parts, then ask, "Has any progress been made on any of those parts?" One could also try to redefine what progress could look like, such as learning, including where not to go.

[@laurajohnson7519]

Listening to him talk about his experience is giving me a huge visceral response, I have for sure cried my soul out after presenting at lab meetings and getting reamed.

[@Lord_Phoenix95]

This kinda resonates with me. For the last year my life felt like shit. I felt like I had no one supporting me through a high stress environment and was slowly falling apart. I would notice more of the things that annoyed me and each time I noticed them I'd get angry and just ball it up and it balled up so much that I completely snapped. I snapped at work, at school and at my Ex. Then I quit school, work and my relationship fell apart. So yeah. This definitely helped me to understand how I felt.

[@Lord_Phoenix95]

That meditation session was just intense.

[@OGAngie]

I'm going through something very similar in my lab, although I'm a research scientist on gap years before applying to MD/PhD programs. My PI procrastinated on hiring a postdoc and expects me, a recent grad, to figure out how to CRISPR edit stem cells and make brain organoids even though no one in the lab has that experience or expertise. I was excited at first, but found myself drowning more and more and underappreciated and lost all my motivation after a lot of verbal and emotional abuse. I wrote out a suicide note for the first time the other day and had a complete breakdown. I told some lies about some progress to put off the inevitable tongue lashing I'd get because I've been too fragile to take any more criticism. I know I messed up and shouldn't have done that. I don't want to use my emotions as an excuse and know I should be honest even if I'm on the cusp of suicide, but this is so hard. I need to come clean to my PI Monday and can't imagine a way this can go well. I'm gonna be in tears and it's going to be so incredibly embarassing and I'll be done with. Multiple people have left the lab recently because of the toxic and abusive environment, so I don't think he'd fire me because he's desperate, but the whole point of me doing this was to get essential letters of rec, but that's done now. I feel so defeated, but this really helped me. I'm so lucky that I saw this in my recommended today.

[@Ranunculus744]

I hope everything turned out well for you, friend. Update if you can!

[@OGAngie]

@@Ranunculus744 wow, I don't even remember writing this comment from about a year ago and I'm in such a better place now. Thank you so much for your kind words. This goes to show that even when you're in the depths of despair, things can improve more than you could imagine. My PI was upset, but I opened up about the abuse I recieved from the postdoc and he actually sided with me and helped resolve the problem. I'm much happier and also more productive, which he's appreciated and acknowledged that the environment contributed to the problems I was having. I would not have imagined this was possible a year ago, but my relationship with him is actually really good now!

[@Xyzzzz138]

@@OGAngie THAT POST DOC is a human fistula, just FYI....in case you questioned that at all. *Internet hugs* K, BYYYYYYYEEEEEE :D

[@OGAngie]

@@Xyzzzz138 ❤️

[@Maliblu3]

This hits close to home, I’m half way my first year of PhD in Chemistry.... this is gonna help me a lot in the future, ty Dr. K.

[@indrinita]

This is so so relatable. Thank you so much Dr. K for sharing this content and thank to all the interviewees who are baring their souls. This is life changing and live saving work. Sadly it’s not just academia that’s corrupt but the whole world 😢 this was really cathartic!

[@Grombrindal91]

Sounded like you needed a new PI. Coming from stem myself, this new prof. was completely unreasonable.

[@JelenK]

Exactly this... thank you DR K. Preach

[@cringelord7542]

preach it brother KKona

[@Pirogok01]

Thank you so much Zack for going out there and telling your story and help other people as well Thank you Dr.K for making this channel and doing this! I’m crying because finally I feel like I’ve been understood 😞😞😞😞🙏🙏

[@JoshDesmond7]

Zach: I was really overwhelmed because so many people, I swear, like one of them like went to Africa and cured malaria in a tribe or something, like, this was wild stuff that they were doing. It was like, what have I done with my time, I've gone home and spent my free time playing video games like I've always done. I haven't achieved anything like these people. Dr. K: 👍 Yeah. 13:30

[@JoshDesmond7]

Post conversation, however: I think this session was missing a discussion about addiction. Tools like ColdTurkey or RescueTime can help you set limits on your play time. Decide how much Runescape / tv / anime is okay in a day, be lenient with yourself, but just program your computer to turn off at 3:00am if that's the latest you think you should ever be awake. That way, when your computer just logs you off automatically at 3:00am, the willpower required to decide to go to bed isn't all that great, it's just like, "well fuck I might as well sleep now my computer is locked".

[@KH00DANIEL]

@@JoshDesmond7 thx for sharing this tip!

[@fredchou123]

but this is not about video game addiction, this is about a person who encounter grave difficuty within his lives that uses video game as a coping mechanism.

[@j.adamwegs2882]

The way you react to things like that is 100% different when you've experienced it. The issue isn't the game itself, the issue is that he was just completely overwhelmed and the logical side of his brain needed a coping mechanism to keep the emotional side of his brain from harming itself. Dude was set up to fail, and he blamed himself for that failure. Odds are the others had better mentors, better support systems, or projects that actually worked.

[@y33tboy97]

He called it the holy trinity lmaoooo

[@oncodeii7509]

This is everything I needed to hear while I went through college. Thank you.

[@WingManFang1]

Win or lose at the end of the day he has my respect because he went as far as he did before failing and he is still trying to better his life, I couldn’t say the same when I was younger.

[@oryxthemad]

I think I went "on leave" from school at the same time this guy did lmao. It's like this person is just a slightly different variation of me: different schools, I failed out of undergrad instead of grad, etc... but so much of this is the same. I'm only halfway through the video, I look forward to the rest of it.

[@MaxBeaulieu]

Man this video helped me not feel so alone.

[@rocketloob449]

"can you tell us about the reality of that situation?" "that everythings fucked" lol relatable

[@Justin--ze6qq]

Really good on him to come on and talk about all of this. I was in a similar situation years ago and there's no way i would have been able to talk about it. This would have helped me immensely if i saw it back then, and I'm sure it'll be an eye opener for many. Good job, man!

[@zoorrken]

How did you progress forward?

[@Justin--ze6qq]

@@zoorrken I haven't watched this in a while but from what I remember, I related witht he shame of failure and depression. There's a few things that got me to progress after years lost. Taking antidepressants made me realize that the way I look at life isn't objective reality, and that helped me change my pessimistic view on the world. I took them for about a year and it helped but I still had issues. Shame and failure can hurt a lot because you put everything on yourself, even things that are out of your control. For this reason I think understanding the ego is the most important thing to see through clouded perspective. Basically we have this illusion of self, and when we are hurt it defends us by victimizing ourselves and in some cases turning the external world against us which makes us worse off. You can see this process while meditating or reflecting on it. When you realize the ego is an illusion, you can't get hurt by things and will stop taking 'yourself' so seriously, and take things so hard on 'yourself'. I get that this can be hard to understand, but hopefully any of this helped.

[@zoorrken]

@@Justin--ze6qq Thanks for sharing.

[@walshys_way8236]

Bro you can do it, keep moving in the right direction. You're gonna be great. Always keep your head up.

[@Guccipoooch]

19:00 I really felt that part, just that extreme emotion that tells you to off yourself is so disheartening in so many ways

[@SwaggestNico]

wow that meditation just made me feel so much love for myself, gave me literal tears of joy what a powerful tool

[@michaelpond813]

Yep he's so on point and needs this talk now before the despair gets deeper and deeper.

[@jarjarwinks7034]

I'm currently a junior in college planning on taking a leave of absence. Realizing that this decision waa going to delay my graduation and potentially hurt my financial aid made me freak out, but after processing the idea of all these setbacks happening, I felt better. I've always been the type to want to get ahead of everybody. That I need to graduate by a certain year and take as little loans as possible and get into a better living situation as soon as possible, but now I realize that this isn't realistic. Yes, it sucks that I have to deal with these setbacks, but shit, maybe this is the only way. Maybe this is what's gonna set me free.

[@KelvinPeek-y6b]

i learned so much from the conversation , and I can relate to challenges of being a failure on exactly the same reasons. Failure is an opportunity for growth, and I wish I learned this during early childhood periods

[@Stolanis]

I could say that I relate greatly to what's discussed in this video or tell stories about how I suffered in uni, but it seems like y'all have that covered already. So, since this is a channel aimed at gamers, I'mma talk about games and how they helped me to see the value of failure. Strap yourselves in, this one is a novel. A while ago, I picked up a game called Sekiro. Up until that point I'd never played any game made by FromSoftware (like the notorious Dark Souls series) because the difficulty was the selling point of their games. How could anyone have fun playing a game which is purposely made to make you fail? However, the aesthetic of Sekiro charmed me to the point where I didn't care (yes, I'm a huge weeb), so I bought it. When I started playing the game, I didn't enjoy it. The bosses were too hard, everything dealt too much damage, the reactions and mental discipline required to win were above what I had. I approached each boss with a sense of dread and would happily use any dirty trick to make them easier. The game just wasn't fun. I stopped playing it. Fast forward a year. I'd gone through some pretty significant life changes, not least of which was my body and brain finally breaking down and FORCING me to stop working for half a year (so, a failure that I'd had no choice in and which I'd been forced to come to terms with). After I recovered from that, I tried my hand at Sekiro again and found... it was different. The game was still hard. Beating bosses still took many tries. That hadn't changed. What *had* changed was my attitude. Instead of being disgusted at myself for every failure and beating myself up whenever I died in the game, I adopted a very simple mantra: 'Every loss is data.' This was adapted from a saying I'd learned from MaximilianD00d, fighting game KZbinr and all-around cool guy: 'the first round is data'. The meaning is that losing to a new opponent on the first round is to be expected since you don't know their tactics - but a good player will use that defeat as data on their opponent that they can then use to adapt their approach and win in subsequent rounds. So, whenever I died to a boss, I'd think to myself 'What did I do wrong there?' or 'What could I have done better?' and then apply that to my next attempt. We normally see failure as a setback, but with each failure I learned, I became stronger, more confident. Until eventually, I beat the boss. Suddenly, the game was fun. LOSING was fun. I was still failing - and failing many times - but because I saw failure as an opportunity for growth rather than an excuse to beat myself up, it didn't hold nearly as much power over me anymore. And when I won, I felt proud. Rather than seeing each new boss as an insurmountable wall like I had before, I started seeing them in terms of how many times I needed to fail (and learn) to beat them: 'okay, this looks like 5 losses', 'this one looks like 10', or in the case of the tough ones '15-20 losses, big oof'. But eventually I would always win - and moreover, I would win *without* using cheesy tricks that made the fight artificially easy (which I knew plenty of, having watched speedrunners play the game). Because the goal was no longer just to win - it was to GIT GUD. And finally, I had *become* gud. That realisation alone made the hours of failure worth it. Looking back, it felt as though I had climbed a mountain - and I hadn't used any sort of easy mode to fly me to the top. I'd done it myself and grown stronger in the process, and best of all had a tonne of fun too. I've yet to see whether this new perspective on failure will have an effect IRL. After the lockdown I'm taking a job in a country on the other side of the world - a big step, to say the least. I am (cautiously) optimistic. If you've read all the way to the end, I thank you for your interest in my story and hope that what you've learned will be of use to you. Remember: every loss is data.

[@seignee]

[@vincent78433]

that's really cool to see honestly, because the games fromsoft makes are about over coming adversity rising to the challenge and bettering yourself in the process. This why these games don't have easy modes because it being hard is the whole point.

[@ashwinnair4816]

nice story

[@yes0r787]

Thanks for your experience. Best of everything in your new job and life.

[@somepenguin508]

I love this story. It really makes me appreciate trail and error/looking at the journey more but at the same time, I have no idea how to apply this in life besides video games or repeatable aspects of life. Every major exam in school or some aspects of life feels more like playing hardcore mode with 0 lives. Failure feels like having your game file deleted after one loss and sometimes just spat on... Any help on this?

[@greatgyatso5429]

That’s the way I felt working for other people. Now I work for myself and have never been happier.

[@SkyLordPanglot]

"Im sorry I could not transform your life" What? Isn't it what he just did? I mean he didnt, he gave him tools to do it himself, but thats how therapy works right?

[@DanEMO592]

If only this channel had been around in 2012 during my sophomore year of undergrad when I first started experiencing the same things as the guest here. However, I was never a gamer and instead I was dealing with health issues that hadn’t been diagnosed yet 😪

[@tropingreenhorn]

That situation seemed really unfair, ultimately there are so many tenable situations in life, and all these assholes in life who want to pipe people through systems that are just about using you to achieve their goals.

[@williamchin5904]

Bless Dr K. I relate to this experience of dropping out of a post-baccalaureat pharm reg program because of my own family problems of miscommunication, lack of respect, lack of common vision for the future of our family combined with sentiments to take everything superficially while I was doing all I could to keep the sanity and diplomacy of the family running. Thus I had to change my entire career and render my 5 year bachelor degree useless by dropping out of my post-baccalaureate program because of my family troubles. That was the start of fixing everything with my life, I no longer was the kid with the burden of keeping child-services from breaking my family apart, I was now a 25 year old capable of exerting dominance over the chaotic mentalities in my family so we could address everything psychiatrically. God Bless Dr. K, These videos will make the world a better place -w

[@kevcoverssolos]

Hearing that part about wanting to walk into traffic, especially his reluctance to express how he felt was just too damn relatable man.

[@threeofeight197]

In this economy living w your parents is a necessity for a lot of folks starting out. It’s nearly impossible to find a basic job that pays for basic rent. I think it’s time we got rid of the shame associated w living with parents.

[@hydraV1-c7d]

I agree, and its just getting harder. Especially in the UK

[@johndon4403]

Just cried partway through this. Thanks for the content.

[@tanishot]

It’s weird how relatable this is. . . thanks for the video

[@tylerdur1]

This helped me a lot and i can only thank you doctor K for existing and helping us out the ''unfortunate'' ones.God Bless you,amazing person changing peoples lives!

[@erisunflower]

Failure builds character, at least to me... I get it’s hard because society tells us when we fail, we gotta give up and why even bother trying anymore? I believe it’s up to the person to find what they want in their life/what their reason is to keep on going and living on ((achieving their goals and dreams)). To me... I think it’s fine if someone just wants to exist or to just live cause I’m sure they’ll get there when they’ll get there

[@Dawnerz25]

I really needed this. Exactly the same problem i have. Thanks for this.

[@Raev222]

I'm so glad you explained the science part, because when he was explaining how the experiments didn't give the expected results, I was thinking "Wow, he disproved the previous experiment's conclusion and can discover something brand spanking new! How exciting!", but man was just sitting there blaming himself personally for the physics not physicing the way they thought it would 💀 Like, that's what science is supposed to be like lolol. You're doing it RIGHT. And yes, it takes aaaaages to test all the possible reasons for why it's not working. Because you do need to test out every. single. angle. I genuinely struggled to see the issue of his project. It's like part of him still thought he was in school where it's about learning what we already know. But he's in the school of learning what we DON'T know. He has to find, understand, comprehend, and describe new knowledge, then we can teach it. Or, straight up find out that our knowledge is wrong. There's not the same amount of knowledge to lean on anymore. You're on unknown territory. Also, the way he felt so betrayed by corruption and money in the field was just screaming good morals and ethics, and the proper science heart. He wants truth. He wants knowledge. He's a good dude. I kinda hope he'll get to use those skills in a way that'll make him feel like he has a purpose.

[@anzolomyer4584]

I feel like this conversation helped me 10,000,000 more times than it helped Zach. lol. My mind was blown and I had to pause the audio to see Zach's reactions. But they were like :|. lol. Maybe this will be the first crack in the big ice wall this whole experience has built up.

[@ohnotagain851]

Imagine not being able to meet any expectations ever even though you're trying your best. And yet your sister meets every single one. Not only do you feel peaceful looking at the car coming towards you but because you are the only person who was ever on our side, you just can't let them end you like this. Cause it's not fair. Cause f them. You did your best and you know it even though you failed every single time. And this is not how I go! I REFUSE!

[@younghou]

this happen to a lot of Phd students, they just keep entering to Phd programs despide they don't enjoy research (they do it for pride or others opinions). most of the time having a Phd doesn't give you more money or better quality life. the best you can do is work a lot as a research assistant before you enter a Phd.

[@kaybee2643]

This can be applied to social science as well, as a layman. This conversation is so important.

[@kaybee2643]

The questions from 57:47 just me take a seat.

[@mormsophen3238]

this guy is not a failure. i don't even know if i could get phd or not

[@WingManFang1]

He’s winning more than most people I know, and way smarter than me.

[@tylers9838]

@@WingManFang1 no one realizes how good thier life is, and good life is relative

[@byMxqa]

47:00 such a great point by Dr K.

[@DeusEx3]

Would love to get a follow up from this guy in a couple of months. Could make it into a recurring thing even. I'd really like to hear how the conversation with his parents went.

[@Darknight526]

Deus Ex Definitely up for this as well.

[@blondscientist]

He did talk to him again. Look up "Helping a Father and Son Reconnect "

[@libertarianterminator]

When you have the mentality of "I must do everything perfectly and if I under perform even once then everything was for nothing and I lost completely" you will always be stressed. I prefer to think that even if everything goes wrong, it will still be ok, so everything that goes well is a plus. Each step is a bonus achievement that's satisfying to get.

[@kyk3891]

“i stopped showing my game status on discord because i felt ashamed”, that just hit me hard, bc me too.

[@thomassuarez5316]

"in chemistry somethings just don't work and you don't know why" Chemist here, and this is our entire existence. Also sounds normal to work 12 hours in grad school, talking to any chemist (especially total synthesis) they'll pretty much tell you that.

[@rewindcat7927]

Thanks to both for sharing. I learned so much from this 🙏

[@Yagshemesch]

Almost in the same situation and the deep talk with the parents/hard questions idea is making me almost cry

[@Coufu]

I went thru this after I dropped out of undergrad. I think it took me about 4 years to bounce back. I wonder if having content like this would have helped me bounce back faster. It def ain't easy to bounce back from failure followed by video game addiction.

[@cloud99744]

Thank you Doctor K! Amazing talk!

[@oephry3253]

When you lowkey offered him a job. I don't why I just thought that was so profound. It was kind of glossed over. I'm not sure if it was because he didn't get it or because he wasn't qualified but it really touched me.

[@morg444]

Just wow. It was obvious that he was abused and not at fault. But the way you present it to show his work was valuable and not a real failure. Excellent session!

[@gamu1647]

lol this is changing my life

[@deborahjames7068]

lol

[@kendalltarr8315]

lol

[@dontquitnoob1347]

😂

[@jebjimmyjebjimmy2979]

lol

[@Thaironee]

lol

[@mikerd1994]

This resonates with me so much. While I was graduating with my masters degree in biology this guy was going through absolute hell. This could have been me... I feel it.

[@slothochdonut3099]

Anyone cried when Dr.k says "I think you are an absolute failure and that's perfectly okay".... This crushed me.... Anyone??

[@Shreya...1]

Me 🥹🥹🥹

[@Vallacy]

When he says its a burden its something I have resonated with the strongest with...

[@toxic_icecream]

If you learn things faster than others, speedrunning existencial crisis is a part of it.

[@jackspenser22]

Out of all the videos Dr. K put out this is the one I needed the most

[@Southernlifestyles95]

dr. k i truly love u and all of these vidoes you pots, as someone who struggled with addiction and also dipping my toes in the waters of possibly becoming, a drug and alcohol addiction counselor thanks to you, your videoos have quite literally saved my life on more then 1 occasions sadly, needless to say... THANK YOU Dr.K

[@lindakorir1074]

I love how Dr K is present and tries to dig deeper I really related with this episode as Iam in graduate school. I got a lot of insight from this particular episode. Thanks Dr K for sharing your knowledge with us. Thank you to everyone who trusts us with their story and vulnerability. I have learnt so much. Thank you.

[@thisnameisnotfake517]

This kid is smart. We all reach a rut in life early on. Then we get on top.

[@hornedlobster]

My name is Zach too, and i just started playing runescape since im stuck inside with this quarantine shit going on. I see a lot of commonalities between us. Thanks for coming on Zach I learned a lot from this one!