Why I Detransitioned

[@user-ms5mp3ti9z]

this vid helped me man, thanks for sharing. i scrolled for awhile to find a mtf back to guy video, porn kinda twisted up my ideologys, and i wanted to be trans for all the wrong reasons, im still struggling to see myself as a man and whatnot, but is was really nice to have someone to relate to, anyways much appreciated

[@Alimon96]

what happened with you? jejje I'm curious, I thought that 5 years ago the people weren't questioning if they feel trans beacuse porn sometimes

[@sukradoll]

i think there’s genuine trans people and then perverts.. no offense 😭 and there needs to be a way to differentiate the two but how..

[@machaenichols3482]

Calvin I can relate to you because I have no self esteem. There are times I look in the mirror and say that I am ugly. When I was 18 years old my boyfriend at the time verbally abused me. Saying that I was ugly and he did not want his friends to know we were dating because he did not want to be embarrassed I am now 53 years old and it is still with me. I was bullied in school also and I never wanted to go to school! Just like you I am a work in progress! Keep strong and your accent is very beautiful! Take care!

[@suzannemartin7503]

Oh wow is You !!

[@fredpoesie2429]

😘

[@BWings-ub4ej]

Wow! It sounds like you had childhood trauma that carried on into a toxic relationship. When we don’t deal with these issues, let go and forgive, we keep reliving the pain from our past. I was sexually abused as a child and though the perpetrator died when I was still young, the anger and pain I felt manifested itself towards other people, it was not until recently that I decided to forgive and let go that my mental healing started.

[@machaenichols3482]

@@BWings-ub4ej The Trauma I suffered as a child was being severely bullied in school at the age of 13 I was sexually assaulted by a 41 year old man. I was very blessed to have good parents not perfect parents but good parents. All my trauma comes from bullying and being sexually assaulted. Thank you for sharing your story.

[@oc5939]

Calvin you are such a remarkably insightful person. It's very brave of you to have started on the journey to heal trauma you've experienced as a child. Complex PTSD takes time and work to heal from. The fact that you are aware now of how it has impacted your life, with dissociation, depression and anxiety, etc. is half the battle toward healing. I wish you good health and peace in your search toward finding all of Calvin again. 💕

[@MistressDay]

Well, you're an extremely handsome man! I don't know why you didn't just seek validation as a male model. You can still do it. You're like a heightened version of Lennie Kravitz, just more handsome.

[@QueenZsWorld]

he does look a little like Lenny but no need to put someone else down to lift someone else up ❤

[@amysummers69]

Hi Pumpkin, a very deep and inspiring video. Touched on many issues and your awareness of self is very evident. As you have said, 'your still on your Journey', I have to agree...life is one continuous journey until the end, and we learn, develop and become aware and accepting with each new day. Many people go through life and live their lives according to what is expected from them by their Peers and Society. For those who are brave enough to look within their soul and allow themselves to make personal changes, they are truly inspirational to others. Who your are, is not what we see, or what you may think we want to see....its what you feel and how you evolve ! Always be true to yourself. Your forever friend xx

[@Switzer1234]

You're (not your) beautiful. YOU'RE = YOU ARE YOUR does not = YOU ARE

[@DaniStone17]

I dont mean to dismiss your experiences in any way, but it is worth mentioning that this is not at all the "normal" trans experience. I mean, there is no "normal" trans experience but there were a lot of confounding variables here between addiction, abuse, exploitation from the entertainment industry and I'm sure others. To the people wondering why the queer community is leery about detransition stories, it is because they are constantly weaponized to delegitimize other trans people. This is one person's story. Not everyone's. If you wanna judge somebody, get to know them as an individual, otherwise just leave them alone

[@Hondeer]

Yup. Sounds about right. Estro is a SSRI so, makes anxious/depressed people feel better... until you get used to it and haven't fixed your environment. Internal or external. No amount of surgery, clothes, perfume, chasing levels.... will ever make it feel 'right'. It's different high from other hole-fillers tho because this time, its chemical driven. I found this out after 5 months, thank god I didn't get an orchi, trach shave and the FFS I was crusing to get but I learned the root cause of my issues and now I can fix them. Sometimes we have to go through fire to be forged.

[@DorianPaige00]

No, estrogen is not an SSRI and can make many more depressed/slowed down. Testosterone sort of has the opposite effect and livens one up but it's not an anti-depressant. What body did you want to live in as an adult? That's the question. Did you have body dysphoria or just social/gay man dysphoria?

[@jlbates77]

Calvin, your such a beautiful courageous man, I've followed you for years, and this video is so touching! Keep being you...you look so well and happier xxxx

[@marti7343]

Calvin, thank you so much for your story. It is one that is important to hear. You are really wonderful. I am a MtoF trans person in transition. As a man, I never liked my body or who I was. I like myself better now that I decided to transition, but I still struggle with dysphoria. I wish I were born female and feel I am in the wrong body. I am a better, more connected person after starting the transition, though I find it hard to accept myself as female and relate to other people. I still do not have a good sense of who I really am. Your struggle helps me reflect and think about how my self-esteem is affecting my feelings about my gender. I have had little influential trauma in my life. I resist completely accepting I am trans and continue to work on that with a therapist. What you say about your journey is helping me navigate mine.

[@oliviatrue2907]

You are a gorgeous person. Lucky you ;) I'm reminded while listening to your feelings, of this awesome suggestion from Eckhart Tolle (a wonderful spiritual teacher for me)..." just live....have no opinion about yourself." When I have self doubt, I remember that phrase, and my big ego shrinks to a smaller, manageable size, and I stop dwelling on self in a painful way. I recommend Tolle. Be Blessed!

[@amyphillips7461]

You’re such a beautiful person, very honest. You’re upfront about things that must have been hard to even tell yourself. Much respect, much love, keep going with your journey of self love. 😘

[@linksrechts7614]

Wonderful video. So frank and helpful. Thank you. I'm a woman in my fifties... I've got something to tell kids ... #1, .... about 99 % of people around the world are individuals who feel like they are "different" or don't fit in (especially in high school) and think if only i could conform with "them", i'd be accepted and happy. Rubbish. You are an individual!! with your own God-given and nature given attributes, strengths and gifts, with wholly your own character. Why do you think Hans Christian Andersen wrote "the Ugly Duckling" story for children? It's a very common problem to be bullied and to want to fit in and conform so that you can be liked and accepted by the tribe, when really, you are a beautiful "swan" . Don't be ashamed of who you are.... and don't seek to be someone else...do you think Leonardo Da Vinci had an easy time of it? No. But the world remembers his name. Just find "you", the things that make you happy, try hard to love and accept yourself, and don't compare yourself to anyone else. Shut off the damn social media. Radical self-acceptance and self-care is the only way. You are here in earth school, having an experience that is completely your own. Although there are many bullies (who are themselves insecure) you will meet other interesting and kind individuals and make friends ong the way, don't worry. Tribe is nice, but rarely found. Focus on caring for and accepting , then loving yourself, and seek and keep good friends instead. You have something to contribute always. I say all these things because if I had not developed myself, accepted myself, and grown to love myself, and developed a network of loved ones, and friends, I would be experiencing great sadness right now. Sadly, women past the age of 50 barely anyone "sees" with their eyes, or notices, or even remembers to talk to because of our society's "image obsession", which is part nature / part nurture... Had I not developed and grown in character, hobbies, experiences, and engaged with interesting people over the years, I would be crumbling right now... but I am not. So you see, looks fade anyway, people may even forget you, but your love for your own unique journey, in the body that you have, sustains you.

[@fridastwin]

Your latest video brought me here. Thank you so much for your willingness to share. Stay strong, lovely one❤

[@thunderbug]

i feel really glad you didn't change your beautiful face.

[@musicisthesoulforall]

I've followed you for years, this video is very inspirational, there's always light at the end of the tunnel.

[@jeramy8165]

I know this video is 5 years old but I 100% relate to it. I’m also detransitioned mtftm. I was 15 months on hrt back in 2015-2016. It kind of destroyed a part of my confidence today as a male. I have to still fully accept some things in my life years later… I haven’t even been swimming in almost 10 years because of chest embarrassment. This video was so golden to me. We are never alone. Thank you so much. 😊

[@happytrails699]

You are such a beautiful person. Not sure how I landed here, but your story is very interesting.

[@Sgabriel1030]

Who is telling you you’re ugly? 🤦‍♀️ That is laughable. And your hair is gorgeous. Your lips are perfect too - glad you stopped fiddling with them. I think it’s beneficial for others to see that even people who are as good looking as you don’t always feel up to par. I’ve always told my son this so he had perspective. Almost everyone - no matter how attractive or popular - doubts themselves. This is normal. What is not normal is people who act like most people are totally happy and secure with who they are - especially when they are young. As you get older, you start to learn what really matters in life and start to be less self-obsessed. It’s just good for people to see that even the beautiful ones like you have insecurities. I appreciate your honesty. ❤

[@corneliusharris2955]

Standing in that mirror is the best thing we can do to accept ourselves. And you can express femininity in the male vessel. Thank you for this.

[@2toosexE]

I think you suffer with depression that made you feel u had to change everything about yourself, idk but you had it rough. I'm so sorry u had to go through that and I hope you find your centre and peace.

[@catherinejenkinson2302]

💖 such a beautiful human being... followed you for years you seem so much happier now xx

[@CorinneMichelle20]

Hello! I’m a local gal near you too! I followed you and loved your videos back from a while ago. I literally today thought... I wonder if Cal carried on with his videos! So here I am! Hey! Lovely video showing where you are now!! Xx

[@why2874]

A fact, many beautiful women sometimes hide themselves from the attention they always get. Many are followed in stores, approached at times they just want to be alone and you just get tired of all the advances. But everyone is beautiful to someone.

[@porcelainchips6061]

Looking back I really think we need to be supportive of people being non-conforming, but not push them to find a category to fit into. I think it's that need to fit into a 'box' is what drives us to make bad choices, rather then feeling like it's safe just to be unusual or non-typical. Growing up before a lot of gender identify stuff had words to define them, I also felt confused about my gender sometimes and wasn't sure how to address it. My issue was that I am female, but intellectually I prefer "boys" media and "boys" subjects, yet I really enjoyed being a girl... Yet I hated socializing with girls and only wanted to be friends with boys... Yet I am also straight, so socializing almost exclusively with boys/men because progressively complex over time. I was really under pressure by my peers to sort of "pick a team" to play on, so to speak. The feeling seemed to be that either I should give up hanging out with the boys and immerse myself in girly culture and surround myself with women as my friends, or I should masculinize more and become "one of the guys". There didn't seem to be "room" for a girl in a dress hanging out with the dudes talking about guns (or tanks, or sci novels) who then may or may not want to date a dude at some point. The two things that, looking back, really helped my sense of self develop and survive this feeling of uncertainty, was that 1) I discovered anime and got really into it and 2) As I became an adult I opened up to my mom about it and discovered that that was basically her life struggle too. With anime, I was introduced to the idea that being (what we would call now) cis-het-female is different in different cultures; in Japan it's not seen as contradictory for a woman to like giant robots, aliens, military stuff and dinosaurs while wearing a pink dress. It might not be common, but over there the media you consume is not tied back to the concept of gender identity; instead it's more about just you and how you are, not your hobbies or interests. With my mom, I learned that she had and continued to have this same socializing problem of preferring male friends; it ruined several relationship and caused a lot of perceived jealously and envy issues by men in her life and she opened up about her coping methods. Finally, what I would call the nail in the coffin came around; I found a long-term partner. He understands me, we've talked at length and he's made me feel really comfortable about myself. He's given me a lot of assurance that I never have to be performative, or be anything besides myself. Even though it sounds challenging as a step in the process (finding a good partner isn't simple), I think finding that partner who just accepts you is what really lets you drop the hang-ups and self-over-analysis. I think we over-think it all more when we are alone and if you can just find one sounding board, one person who doesn't push you in any direction, just listens, I think it really lets the soul relax and think more clearly.

[@jayjaydubful]

You really are very beautiful, model level of handsome- your hair is gorgeous. You were born perfect. Any ideology that makes you feel like you need to change is one you need to run from.

[@frusia123]

I think what we as a society have to work on is embracing and celebrating men and women in the full diversity of their feminine and masculine. We should stop telling boys that Rambo is the ideal of masculine, or Barbie the ideal of feminine. I strongly believe we NEED you - humans who defy those stereotypes. I want a world where there are butch girls and androgynous boys, and they don't feel that something is wrong with them and they need to be corrected through hormones or surgery. The world needs you to be YOU, you're a gift.

[@horribleluxurytv5815]

this is a world where there are butch girls and androgynous boys that dont feel that something is wrong with them and they need to be corrected through hormones or surgery, there's also transgender people in this world, so extra and dramatic

[@DEEANNA88]

So I am kinda going through the same thing. I stated off as a feminine gay boy . And I discovered drag around 2016ish and though about transitioning for over 3 or 4 years. In 2019 I stated hormones. I really enjoyed the attention I got from the guys. In 2020, I got my breast surgery. Now I am planning on getting my bottom surgery. But I don’t know. There are some days when I feel like I just go back to the way I was.

[@rosieusa]

I’m feel the same way as you and I’m scared

[@jayjaydubful]

Hi Deeanna, how are you now? What did you decide to do?

[@Bonnie-sd7et]

'I'd watched every KZbin video I needed to watch to get what I wanted.' That's scary. I've heard that a lot. Children prepare their answers to make sure their doctor agrees. They're children, they don't have the cognitive awareness needed to make such a life changing decison. The brain isn't even fully formed until around 25.

[@joanna62]

Good for you Calvin there is no one way to be...just be you and that's amazing!! 😀

[@Codytalks11]

Thank you so much for sharing

[@deanmerritt9417]

You just gotta be good with you , life’s for learning and growing , still beaut tho xx

[@pattyfluegel7816]

OMG thank got you didnt get your face all butchered. You have a georgeous face. Gotta get happiness internally not externally from other peoples approval man.

[@adrianenglish511]

Did you take any hormones to speed up the process of changing back?

[@phoeberusch478]

You are so stunningly beautiful and handsome. Never doubt it. Wishing you peace.

[@femboyrules7594]

3 years later and how are you doing ?

[@ballerman22345]

Most of us mature people both men and women are not recognized. Not sure what you mean that you need to be recognized. Most people on the planet are ignored by others. Everybody is busy with their own stuff to be worried about anyone else.

[@chriswilliamson4589]

you are truly beautiful inside and out Calvin

[@adambowman6401]

We all need coping skills & mechanisms to get thru life. We see celebs alter their bodies on tv & magazines. For the decades its been shoved in our face & mind. No amount of prescription can make you "feel" in the right body. Its a matter of coping skills. Chasing vanity won't make us better. We need to learn who we are as we came into this world, not make who we feel we want to be in this world. Fitting in is a cop out. But in the same breath ppl are trying to fit in the trans identity. Being at war w/ ourselves is a terrible feeling. However changing our outside appearance is dangerous. I wonder how wealthy the doctors & pharmacy companies are getting now

[@biruss]

This guy wasn't truly trans

[@Sue700]

U r a good looking man .U ruined it by trying to become what you are not.

[@daughteroftheking1222]

Why is this not viral?

[@acuteteacher]

I am sorry you don't have self esteem but let me tell you this. You are gorgeous.

[@AJ-wp3pw]

My question is how do you deal with getting so many fewer guys, and only getting feminine guys? Cuz if I could detransition and still get a lot of really hot masculine guys, I would do so.

[@kittydollsxo189]

Lmao

[@AJ-wp3pw]

@@kittydollsxo189 I'm glad you think other people's lives and problems are so funny. Must be fun being a psychopath and never having to feel other people's pain.

[@kittydollsxo189]

@@AJ-wp3pw really? your in pain because if you detransition you can't get hot muscular guys ? That's why I laugh 😂 not at the fact you want to detransition it's just your reasoning seems ...... Artificial I should say? It's like really ..that's it thats the reason you can't detransition is because you want hot muscular guys lol?

[@AJ-wp3pw]

@@kittydollsxo189 There is nothing artificial whatsoever about wanting to connect with another human being in a deep spiritual level and form a life partnership with them. And I said masculine guys, not muscular guys, unless I made a typo. Masculine is a spiritual trait, not a physical one. So my interest is the opposite of artificial or the word I think you're looking for which is superficial. I want a life partner with a certain kind of soul. I fall in love with men with masculine mannerisms, speech patterns, style, and personalities. And detransition would severely limit my access to such men.

[@princessamira4279]

A J transitioning to attract anyone is very superficial. What if you’re not cis passing, will you still attract masculine men? What if you end up attracting men who don’t subscribe to “traditional masculinity “ and therefore won’t always live up to your ideas of “masculinity” ? Also, assuming all gay men are effeminate is a HUGE generalization. We also can’t prove souls even exist so how will ever know if they’re even feminine or masculine. What measures are you using to classify someone’s “soul” as masculine or feminine?

[@Getlostjaie]

🙏

[@Switzer1234]

I am glad you are now your natural male self. You are very handsome! Don't look to others for self worth. Look to God. He created you. He loves you.

[@purplesunflower8242]

You are a handsome man.

[@googleuser6312]

You are awesome❤️

[@vegasvancitygirl9251]

I’m not gay & how I ended up here idk but just wanted to tell u that u r gorgeous. I hope u find true love & happiness. We ALL are in search of unconventional love & no human can fill that void. We need that connection with our FATHER GOD. HE loves you & is waiting for you to call on HIM & to seek HIS FACE. I was going thru some really REALLLLLLLY HEAVY HEAVY stuff & I had everyone & their brother praying for me but wasn’t until I started reading the Bible out loud everyday for over a month straight I literally felt 5,000 pounds of utter blackness lift off me! Felt so light like I could fly! Had such a peace I had no idea even existed on this earth! The LORD JESUS filled my heart with a joy I have never New was possible. Ya! Ur gay & that way of life is not of GOD, but the LORD LOVES YOU’! And I may not b gay BUT SIN IS SIN!! Sin is equal! Seek the LORDS FACE and he will create n u a new heart a new u!! 🙏🏻❤️

[@iliaspapirou5659]

Hey there,at first you are very beautufull as you are,and seems to me that you have a balance with your anima.i do have also the same issues in a way,i allways felt like a women,been in drugs,living in a small closed societe etc, and now iam coming to terms with my self trying to accept who iam.and its ok to be who i am,who you,he,she is.i think strongly of taking hormones cause i want biger breasts,but at the end i realise that this change that i want is just about having more easy sex,and that infact it will not make me hsppyer.i also realised that iam a narkisist and thst as well is a fondamental information of who and why i feel and iam as i am.but life is so much more than sex and Who I Am,its more about giving offering helping and be right and a good person,producing love uncontitional love,and that is more important than sex or big boobs.i my self when i as younger thought that with my looks,with my body,with sex i can get whatever i wanted in life,and fooled my self..now iam almost 40 and trying to live a more simle life with less thngs,but woth more honesty.thank you for your video,i felt listening to you like i was listening a friend.take care sweetie.

[@vegasvancitygirl9251]

Idk why I put unconventional love 🤦🏼‍♀️Just meant true love . And I had to read the Bible out loud bc the demons n me at the time made the Bible make no sense . So , I was forced to read out loud & unbeknownst to me I was reading LIFE over myself bc Proverbs 18:21 Death & life r n the power of the tongue. & JESUS IS THE WORD ! Those words written n the Bible r JESUS & they r alive! Only the name of JESUS must every knee including Satan & demons must bow! No other name works! Nor Allah, budda etc bc they have no power ! Those r just demigods - demons!

[@rebeccaswilling1771]

There’s no way I’ll ever believe that transgenders that actually go through with the surgery are happy. Happiness is found within

[@henrylester4051]

@Rebecca Swilling, At this point I agree with you. I think so many do it for attention, unfortunately they get the wrong attention. Some glamorize transitioning for the attention of men. Countless murders of transwoman, some can't get jobs and turn to the streets as prostitutes.

[@michellevonhershko6831]

Beautiful guy

[@southamericanmama]

❤

[@sudhanshutiwari7376]

Your story is amazing and somewhat similar to mine, but I couldn't understand whole of it. Your voice is so unclear, I hope you had spoken more loudly in the video. Thanks anyway :)

[@vegasvancitygirl9251]

And you are actually gorgeous!! It’s so very sad how Satan messes with ppls minds knowing what their weaknesses r & that for u is your looks trying to convince u that u r not attractive! That is a lie from the pit of hell!! Satan is the father of lies! Seriously ur gorgeous!

[@regionaldonaldson3546]

Love you never detransitioned. There is no such thing. Simply to stop taking estrogen dont detransition you. Youll always be you so love who you are.. A 2 spirit person!!

[@blackcrowfree5562]

He looks as a man. He Cleaned up all the shit. Stopped the mass delusion ..

[@jayjaydubful]

No you missed the point. He never transitioned. He is & always has been a man (except when he was a boy). Expand your perception of what a man is.

[@queerantine69]

@@jayjaydubful do u understand the meaning of transition?

[@jayjaydubful]

@@queerantine69 no, it's a made up concept. A man stays a man & a woman stays a woman whatever they call themselves, whatever pronouns they demand, whatever clothes they wear, whatever synthetic hormones they take, whatever surgeries they have.

[@alim3611]

2 spirit ? stooop

[@karindittmar1673]

You are not what you feel, you are what the Bible and God says that you are......

so in my case a heathen, sinner, reprobate and a pervert. but he loves me regardless and that's why he sent his only son to die for my sins.

[@queerantine69]

I swear I've seen you before 🤔. Also the Bible says women should be submissive and are not allowed to speak I'm public so I ain't following that nonsense

[@truthheals3152]

You didn't detransition because you never transitioned in the first place

[@alim3611]

huh ?

[@yasminevine]

I think you are incredibly gorgeous and just a handsome and beautiful man! I have a hard time thinking you would think otherwise. Any inner voice that says otherwise to you is straight up a LIE! As a straight real woman you should know we also have self esteem issues and all the things you said both I and many women can relate to. I think life is a journey of Self love for ALL of us. If you were born a woman you may of have had the same self esteem issues. I had a gay male friend who was gorgeous and when he became trans and started hormones he became very odd and isolated and started doing meth and ended up in a bad place. I dont think hormones are good or natural. Even women during that time of month when we have natural increased hormones we go kinda nuts so I cant imagine what hormone injections do to people. You are really brave to go back to your true self and learn to love yourself! Great work!