Why Is Dating Not Working Out for You? The Common Dating Mistakes Women Often Make

[@DougHardy541]

“The happier you are being single, the sooner you probably won’t be single.” … word.

[@2ndActTV]

Word up! 😎

[@franksailor8547]

BS with capital letters indeed - if you are single at above 40-50, there is a reason why you are single and you are delusional thinking that you are still high value. You are left over because you throw the men away that you had have your chance with when you were younger.

[@ssiegreen5292]

Yup, I don't think that is quite right, Doug. I've been single for 30+ years and been pretty happy with that status overall speaking, during those years. Now if you've said: if you're a happy person while you're looking to get de-singled - that might work...

[@DougHardy541]

@@ssiegreen5292 I was directly quoting Treva from the episode, but I hear what you’re saying. Give off positive vibes and that will attract more people to you.

[@carlel121]

I’m trying to 😅, I want to be comfortable with my own skin, I feel bored sometimes.

[@bamagtrdude]

I’ve met many women who were making these mistakes - mainly (it seems) because they hate being alone … I’ve backed away from them bc they don’t need me, they need a therapist/counselor to help them find themselves … After my divorce, I took 3 years off from any kind of dating or relationship activity - best 3 years of my life because I found myself again … Sadly it seems most people (men & women) can’t spend 3 minutes alone without jumping into another relationship (or trying to) & then expecting the new person to “fix” everything … I’m guilty of this - but men are “fixers” - it’s really difficult for us to listen without trying to fix something 🤷🏻‍♂️

[@2ndActTV]

You are so right, and good for you!! Thanks for the open and honest comment!

[@trevabrandonscharf9055]

Excellent insight and great advice!

[@jeffhogan7991]

Such a great channel. Treva is my fav guest,,,,

[@abart2056]

"How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days!" Such a great little movie on getting to know someone before sex. If I message with no response after a reasonable amount of time, I just unmatch us on the app. He's not interested and I'm not going to wait with ghosting. Thank you Treva and Silke for your insight and I too don't want to date a bunch of men. It's been nearly 7 years that my husband passed and I'm finally in a very happy place right now spiritually, physically and mentally. Dr Gray said it best, "men should be our desert to our life." I 'want' to have a man in my life because I want life to be more fun, but don't really need a man to live or survive. Men are wonderful and I'm grateful to God everyday for them!

[@2ndActTV]

Sounds like you are in a good place!! Thanks for sharing your thoughts!

[@richardhintonracing]

This I think is a dilemma all of us have to face at some point in our lives. In my experience the best way to gain long term satisfaction is to adopt a life long philosophy and always choose to paint everything Brilliant White .

[@2ndActTV]

Love it! Good advice for Treva’s paint chips dilemma 😂

[@trevabrandonscharf9055]

Richard, we painted the dining room and hate the color! Need to start all over again!

[@richardhintonracing]

@@trevabrandonscharf9055 Treva , I have a house with origins the date back to the 16th century so wall surface is uneven so a flat white is the most flattering it reflects the most light - we have a lot of dull overcast days in England and use the colours of furnishings to add some interest . Also paint is pricey these days .

[@therocknrollcook]

Your shows always make me think. Thank you for the wisdom❤

[@2ndActTV]

I’m glad you think so! Thanks for your comment!

[@garysalyer4098]

Two of my favs...fun and wisdom on the way!

[@2ndActTV]

Thanks Gary! We mentioned you in this video!! 🤗

[@trevabrandonscharf9055]

Speaking of fun and wisdom...hi Gary!

[@garysalyer4098]

@@trevabrandonscharf9055 Hi Treva! Tell Robby Howdy!

[@trevabrandonscharf9055]

@@garysalyer4098 Robby sends his best!

[@ldub4563]

Treva's Fun on here! 🙂

[@2ndActTV]

I agree! And Treva is always fun! Thanks for watching 😊

[@trevabrandonscharf9055]

Thanks ldub!

[@carlel121]

When I started dating my now husband that I met in plenty of fish I naturally stopped dating other people, when he asked me to be his girlfriend he told me he wasn’t seeing anybody else, and he hopes I didn’t either, I immediately canceled my account and didn’t look back, he did the same! founding somebody especial that you can connect with is so difficult, why you want to mess it up trying with somebody else? That was my case and we are 15 years together now.

[@2ndActTV]

Thanks for sharing, Carle!! I totally agree! My experience was similar. Once I knew I wanted a relationship with Paul, I was off all the sites ❤

[@carlel121]

@@2ndActTV That’s the only way, the purpose is to find the one, not to be eternally looking.

[@bethsewer5463]

After dealing with narcissist for 11yrs . I broke free . I've not dated at all for 3 yrs at all . Fear . I'm not desperate at all

[@reflectiveFrankC]

With the internet I find it easy to make long distant friends. I recognise in me a wanting to project all the best. It is easy to create a fantasy. One of my life lessons though is even in marriage it is easy to live in the fantasy of the other and not know the other. This awareness sets up a conflict in me. Distance feels safe. It keeps me happy developing friends but keeps me from taking seriously those in my 3d world too seriously. It tells me I am still too fear based. Falling in love6 I suspect is really being open enough to take some risks of being hurt but in a balanced way by being honest with yourself and others about the realities involved. My biggest block is feeling I'm not provider enough based on my history as an autistic person living on a pension. That was I think a large factor in the breakdown of my marriage in the 90's and it still haunts any futures I might like. There's a lot of beautiful women out their with wonderful qualities, yet if one can't believe they are adequate enough to provide in a vulnerable world, relationship itself is a fantasy.

[@ssiegreen5292]

Hi Frank! It's been a while since we talked... The problem with this aspect is though - what you consider to actually being friends or friendship. If all you do is follow your fantasy, and keeping a virtual or real distance, that's all it's going to be. Fulfilling for you on your end, and empty on the side of the receiver who has no idea s/he is a figment of your imagination. Friendship as well as loving relationships need more than just hollow talk, they require action and follow-through, and an ongoing effort of being there for the other. Else you just have the friendship version of a situationship.

[@reflectiveFrankC]

@@ssiegreen5292 As always you make good points. I perhaps use fantasy too loosely. My abstract mind iin sharing my thoughts is partly relating to quantum mechanics, the possibilities around multiple universes and fhe observation affects the result regarding what is true. A bit like the movie the Matrix we go about living our daily lives and some new information comes along and shifts our perception causing us to question reality. In some ways that is what happened to me believing I had a great marriage with a few normal issues and then waking up to discover my wife asking me to move out. It was like who is this woman I thought I knew and didn't. My perception has been deeply challenged. I keep questioning reality. (New info) I had to leave before finishing and now attempting to get back my thoughts. I used to not be so picky but now perhaps I over explain when I know someone didn't get my thinking. I have learned Words can be easily misinterpreted. I over question as if my not communicating well means turning my life upside down again. It is at times difficult being in my head. It is seldom about the other person but lots of questioning my own beliefs. I currently am giving me much angst over trying to get this fright for some reason. Just shows me why I am struggling lately to get back my normal

[@ssiegreen5292]

@@reflectiveFrankC We've had that discussion before, LOL. Something complex like this simply does not translate well in a written discussion, that's something for a comfortable sit-down, over a meal or two, coffee or drinks, or just on a quiet afternoon or evening on the porch. That's also the type of discussion that is so multifaceted that a single attempt at it, is not ever going to be enough to cover all the different variances and angles. Getting into deep thoughts like these, IMO requires personal interaction, rather than trying to make your point via an online medium, text or email, in order for what you mean to come through correctly. Hope you're feeling better again? How did that art show go? Did you all have a good turn out?

[@reflectiveFrankC]

@@ssiegreen5292 your right it won resolve here, that is why I go to counselling. Sharing here is more educational on the bigger picture. I am growing by just turning up a sharing a point of view. There was a time I' just hide and avoid because everything just seemed too hard and too scary. It helps having people willing to ask questions. On my part my also recognising your questions and thought aren't personal attacks. There are many ways to perceive and I'm seeing in my case I'm learning to seek the most positive view I can. Art show went well. It included celebrating my birthday and doing between 9 and 14 characters each of the two afternoon's. I got lots of positive response from doing them. I haven't focused on my art that long for awhile I was physically exhausted but mentally healthy. Thanks for asking. Hope your jewlery going well too.

[@ssiegreen5292]

@@reflectiveFrankC Happy Belated Birthday!!! Why didn't you say??? 🎂🎂🎂

[@mr.goodwrench8273]

If men and women would get back to courting, they would get to know one another better and most likely enjoy being with one another more. Ya see, folks are giving each other spouse privileges prior to marriage. Pre-marital sex, living with one another, etc.., then later on getting married. It will last for a few years, then divorce happens. Insanity is defined as doing the same thing the wrong way over and over and expecting a different result each time.

[@hump1953]

Regarding ghosting: who is responsible for saying it is just not working out? The guy or the gal? I went out on three dates with a gal after I initiated all the dates, never heard from her or I never texted or called her back… who ghosted who?

[@ssiegreen5292]

Hi Paul - I'd say you ghosted her, when you consider your age and upbringing - because I know you have better manners than that. Women in your age group were mostly brought up to let a man doing the initiating. If you want to be in your masculine, it's on you to continue to pursue her - or to clearly say "Thank you for your time, but this is clearly not going anywhere, it's been a pleasure." If you don't get any inkling of getting closer to her, or getting some positive feedback in return, then that's where you call if off. Or ghost, I guess. On the other hand - it could be that you were simply a meal ticket, I understand that some women take advantage of men that way. But I also suspect you are not doing a good enough job of communication or making your intentions known [unless you're just pushing for straight s3x - in which case if she does not respond favorably, then that is your answer right there].

[@trevabrandonscharf9055]

Mutual ghosting if both of you weren't feeling it, and didn't want to say it.

[@hump1953]

@@trevabrandonscharf9055 best explanation I’ve seen, thank you…

[@carlel121]

I would say you! you should have reach out to her and say, hey I see this is not working out it seems like we are not a good fit, I wish you the best. That’s it! when I men are very into us, and after the last date he does not do anything, we immediately think you are not that interested anymore, and because guys are genius in playing games or ghosting, we only think, here we go, another one, ok move on!

[@carlel121]

@@ssiegreen5292I completely agree with you!

[@eddy2561]

Verdammt! Ger'er done!

[@2ndActTV]

LOL, hi Eddy!

[@azmike3572]

Well-worn Fender bass hanging on Treva's door? (I play Strats.)

[@2ndActTV]

That’s Robby’s! He’s a talented musician among other things👍

[@heretolearn-m6v]

@@2ndActTV That's all I kept thinking through the video, Treva got lucky and found a gold record bassist....😃❤🙏✌

[@trevabrandonscharf9055]

Good eye, azmike! It's my husband's, and one of many in his collection.

[@trevabrandonscharf9055]

@@heretolearn-m6vyes I got lucky and found a badass bassist! Thanks for watching, heretolearn!

[@dewholdingsllc1050]

Thanks for content. Do not agree but good to hear other's opinions, female opinions. After a divorce or a serious breakup, date around is best practice. (Dr. Sue's advice should not be discounted so quickly) Seems like this opinion of everyone are not going to be content and happy unless they are in a single exclusive relationship is BS and old fashioned. It is okay to be a solo. Play the field of eligible people. Best to date around, not get serious with a new person right away after a longer term exclusive relationship. Why would I get out of a poor multi-year marriage just to get back into another exclusive relationship? Unsound thinking unless you are a masochist. I am interested in hearing about good dating apps as they do not seem to be very good. Clunky and not user easy. Moreover, they are called "Dating Apps" not marriage apps. Marriage or long term exclusive relationships may be okay for some but are over emphasized for every person and gender. My 2 cents.

[@2ndActTV]

I agree with you, and we have lots of content that addresses exactly that! Every segment has its own focus, and this one is for women looking for a long term relationship. When I came out of my 25-year marriage the last thing I wanted was another marriage. Thanks for watching!

[@trevabrandonscharf9055]

Different strokes, as they say. Whatever works best for you, just make sure you're going into everything with a healed heart and an open mind.

[@jimg6476]

My Mother told me as a teenager if a woman interested in you..she will let you know. She was so right surely have had sex on the first date and everytime those relationships have lasted a long time. Have also waited over 40 days to have sex and in all cases sex wasn't worth the wait. Great show !

[@2ndActTV]

LOL, well ... I guess you never know! 😉Thanks for watching!

[@trevabrandonscharf9055]

There are the outliers who had sex on the first date and got (and stayed) married, but I wouldn't chance it.

[@carlel121]

@@trevabrandonscharf9055 Me neither, plus it does not matter how attractive is a guy, i have to feel closeness to be able to open up to someone, and sure that won’t happen in the first date.

[@trevabrandonscharf9055]

@@carlel121 the only time first sex is might be OK is if you've been in a sexless/loveless marriage and you just need to get laid. Guys can do it way better than women!

[@mypov4343]

I agree sex on the first date is not good but on the other hand everybody should experience some love bombing in their life LOL

[@2ndActTV]

LOL, no judgement! 🤗

[@MyFrankieee]

Thanks ladies for always being authentic and realists ❤if you get the Milk for free don’t buy the cow 😂lol Another great podcast xx

[@2ndActTV]

Thank you!! I know, what a horrible saying … 😂

[@trevabrandonscharf9055]

Thanks Frankieee!

[@wildernesswordsmith]

Actually, have never heard, "To get over someone, get under someone." Who thinks this up? Absolute garbage.

[@marykarle3997]

Well I just got dumped because I wouldn’t “put out” for a year and a half because he did not make me feel emotionally safe…kept me at a distance throughout the whole relationship, as though I was just an option..kept pressuring me for it…sorry, I have standards and boundaries that I refuse to give up! No one has ever died from being single and celibate…next!

[@ssiegreen5292]

As a woman myself, when I hear another woman saying something like that - I gotta ask, why would you "date" someone for a year and a half if you don't feel comfortable or safe with him, or if your relationship is not progressing? To me dating is an initial "getting to know each other time period", where you decide if you want to take it further + deeper from there, into - let's call it courting or being Bf/GF - to see if a potential LTR or marriage is possible, if that is desired by both. I'm just surprised that he stuck it out this long, without any type of progress, including but not limited to s3x.

[@marykarle3997]

@@ssiegreen5292 I’m not in anyway a prude, and have needs to…it was just the fact that he kept pressuring me so much, that made me uncomfortable, like he was “entitled “ to my body just because he spent money on me…I should of stopped dating him but I didn’t…my bad! I will never let any man use me for sex! Learned a lot from this!

[@ssiegreen5292]

@@marykarle3997 Mary, we all have needs, LOL - I wasn't referring to you being celibate, there's nothing wrong with that. I was just wondering why you'd waste so much of your personal & valuable time with/on someone who was clearly not being not ticking most of your boxes or being emotionally available enough, for you to reconsider your stance.

[@marykarle3997]

@@ssiegreen5292 My BAD! Guess I tolerate more than I should!

[@dmrd222]

I'm often baffled at the generalization that women put so much more emotional meaning into sex than men. In my conversations with friends, I've learned that there are more women than the experts think who can enjoy "meaningless sex", myself included, and I think this has been true since the 1970s when women really came into their sexual freedom and power. In fact, when I met my dear husband, who has passed on, I literally had a mattress strapped to my back to bring to my new apartment so that we could have sex. We couldn't wait to get at each other. Thirty blissful years later... So, I don't think having sex on the first or second date is necessarily the ruination of a beautiful relationship.

[@2ndActTV]

You're right! Nothing ever applies to everyone, nor do we speak for every woman. I'm glad you had a wonderful marriage, and I'm very sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing!

[@ssiegreen5292]

And yet - here you are - you had 30 years with that one single man... And blissfully so. Being swamped by hormones, in lust, in love or genuinely enjoying s3x does not mean that the bonding hormone dilemma doesn't exist. You are proof of this right here! I'd also say that dating and generating relationships today is a heck of a lot different than it was 30 or 40 years ago! Of all the female friends I had over the years, where we had close intimate conversations, or where I had some up close and personal insight into their dating or marriage lives - I've only had 3 that managed to have unemotional casual s3xual relationships without the issue of getting attached, sooner or later. One simply screwed anything with a d*ck - she did not know how to say no, and it would have never occurred to her to say no, if a guy was asking or being pushy for s3x. There was something fundamentally wrong with her, because she would have had no issues of having a quickie with her best friends boyfriend, and not feel bad about it at all. Number two - a highly educated, professional woman, and beautiful + accomplished. Had a life long string of ongoing affairs with married men [including some of her female friends husbands or SOs], while being in a LTR and consequently married herself. Again - something broken in there - because she had a beautiful family life, beautiful children and a husband who did everything for her. Number three - is the only one I knew, that carefully curated + managed her FwBs or semi-casual relationships. She would often date multiple men simultaneously, because that was the only way she could manage not getting emotionally attached. Every other female friend, including myself - struggles or struggled with attachment issues and the bloody bonding hormone. Casual sex will sooner or later become meaningful for us, and leads to wanting to have a "for real" relationship - but perhaps that is because it's my personal cycle of friends, and I choose mostly friends that are compatible with the same base lines that I walk on...

[@dmrd222]

@@ssiegreen5292 Perhaps our personal experiences and discussions with other females are different due to cultural, religious, socio-economic, or geographic factors. I don't recall saying that the "bonding hormone" doesn't exist and didn't exist in my case, but I am able to (as are numerous other female friends) separate casual sex from meaningful sex. Btw, I've never been met with such snarkiness on ANY podcast as this one.... just for expressing my opinion and my experience... *without* putting anyone else down. I'm sorry that you felt it necessary to respond in a defensive and hostile manner. ("And yet - here you are -") Be well. :)

[@ssiegreen5292]

@@dmrd222 Agreed - different cultural, religious, economic, and geographic factors may certainly influence ones upbringing and experiences, and so does ones individual personality. How is it snarky when I point out to you, that your statement indeed simultaneously contradicts AND agrees with the underlying hormonal attachment debacle? So you had mad, passionate sex with your husband and it led to a 30 year happy marriage until he passed away. Are you going to tell me that there wasn't some hormonal bonding that led to you falling love and consequent marriage? It might had been casual meaningless sex at the beginning, but it did lead to more eventually. I strongly believe that unless one has had a difficult upbringing of some type of neglect or abuse, peer pressure or social influence, or until life experiences finally teach us otherwise, where we intentionally suppress this natural response by calculated emotional distancing, that's the way it is for the majority of women.

[@dmrd222]

@@ssiegreen5292 Because the "mad, passionate, lustful" sex was on our FIRST meeting and I didn't know him at all.. nor was the sex even at the conclusion of a "DATE", that's why. I invited him to have sex with me, and the meaningless sex was TORRID and WONDERFUL. I am a very physical person. Many women have high libidos. I did NOT develop an "emotional bond" during OR AS A RESULT OF that one encounter that led to us getting married. We decided to date to get to know each other after that encounter...at HIS suggestion. Get it?

[@gentlehorst]

Why is dating not working out? Alone the beginning of a seed sprouting as a sample: Grocery store, we all have been there, a look changes to longing, he looks back, word, a joke, confidence, she looks away because she goes back to being 15 again (internally blushing) and he being 17 again thinks, she is not interested. So why are there movies about the one who got away?! 15 or 50, don't be swiftie, try to be thrifty. Take her by the mental hand and say: 'Yes'. Across the street is a Portuguese cafe and let's talk (fifty-fifty). 👫

[@2ndActTV]

You have such an interesting way of encapsulating topics! Thanks! 😊

[@DougHardy541]

Bernini’s Apollo and Daphne … interesting avatar.

[@gentlehorst]

@@DougHardy541 My favourite sculpture. Right beside is the Theft of Proserpina in the Villa Borghese and the contrast of those two as in couples and intended purr-poses stunned me when seeing the first time. (I am due to see them this September in Rome) Great analysis on youtube in the channel Smarthistory for both sculptures (even though I do not agree with all it is well done!)

[@DougHardy541]

@@gentlehorst Figured it was a favorite or something like that (unless you’re seeing yourself in Apollo or Daphne … which would be weird). Good choice in sculpture though.

[@gentlehorst]

@@DougHardy541 Me, I, he identifying with Apollo?! I do. 🙂 What's wrong with him. I love to dance, taught, prizes, I hunt a deer (this is spelled with EE!) a year,... ahem where else could I nibble on a shank of a ... turkey?! Yes, I hunt with bow and arrow and my childhood memory of leaving the theater with my mother crying when Bambi's mother got shot ... is still vivid. He is immortal and we all think often enough that we are. People ask me for guy-dance ahh guidance and I follow suit. I ward off evil, I am a sigma. Love and do music, live a healthy life, obey the law and preach to be a good man. So him, being struck by a love arrow and he finds Daphne and while embracing feels how she turns into a pillar of salt, ahh, that's the other one, turns into a laurel tree because if not could she have withstood his advances (personal interpretation, hope) but each time I place a bay leave into a dish I sigh of not being able to have that touch, hope and happinness of her in my arms sensing the (being one flesh- you know, the Bible) ableness of being one, even though a moment of here and now, we, united, unison in mind, and soul and .... grr. those gods, jealous as they are, loaded with fear, greed and selfinflicted pain, let the story to be sadd-end. So, sad, Greek, not so meek, look at this tree, proud of chosing what is right for her with poison of lead, denied but branching out, knowing now what is it all about. Without arrow, hoping now through all my marrow, will she in Diana, Silke or Sibyl of Cumae, appear without fear and my struggles of hope, around the globe, having never taken dope or smoke, almost never a coke (Coca-Cola!!!), yes, I am not a bloke, all will come to be and not not, a look, a sigh and both will say: You're my. Ohh, not Sunday, no preaching or leeching and yes, Apollo is plenty, his time ahead (he turned even one woman , who rejected him with greed, into the gravity possible: A MAN!) True, I am a historian. How did you know? {sermon of a Monday} 🕊