Why making friends as an adult is really hard…

[@laymayday]

I find finding friends so hard because they very seldom value friendship as much as I do. It's as if they just don't see friendship as a relationship with any/much worth. To be honest, I think that is why people are often lonely these days. They don't understand just how important friendship is, or maybe they just don't have time to get friends and keeping them.

[@brookerobitaille745]

Agreed. I notice most pple view friendships as very transactional - not about companionship.

[@mz-pd5hw]

yes, and always the POV is of someone extroverted able to "connect" with almost anyone, and enjoying almost any interaction, they seem to just need proximity; for some of us, those "shallow friendships" are not even worthless, are exhausting without any benefit. I don't like being completely alone as I'm now, but being alone with a bunch of "pseudo-friends" would be even worse. Those "different kind of friends" would actually do things even worse for me.

[@Tilly236]

@@laymayday I find a lot of people see friends as a stop gap in between romantic relationships - I've had people drop me like a stone when someone comes along, then come skipping back as though they only saw me yesterday when they break up! I need consistency and reciprocation, but it seems very rare these days.

[@gabriellahsdancingheart8808]

@@laymayday yes, they definitely don't value it. It's all about "what can you do for me?"

[@gabriellahsdancingheart8808]

@@mz-pd5hw speaking as an extrovert, depth is totally desired and sought out, but I do enjoy the variety that different people bring to the earth. People are interesting and fascinating, but not all get to be my inner circle.

[@dabbler1166]

The REALLY hard part is, most anyone else you make friends with is married, and you're not, so you always get to be "the 3rd wheel". sigh

[@Nikki-lodeon]

Married couples, imo, should really have their own friends. They can have shared friends too, but sharing everything is a problem.

[@Katimorton]

Ugh I'm sorry. :( See if your married friend will go out on their own, I used to make time for my friends and would go out without Sean. xox

[@IshtarNike]

One would hope that married couples wouldn't make being a third wheel an issue. I'm not dismissing your experience, but among my friends I've never felt like a third wheel because the couples don't act like a couple so much that it excludes me when I'm with them. E.g. They will be present with me and not spend any significant amount of time kissing, cuddling, or talking about personal or intimate things that I would naturally be excluded from. That doesn't mean they can't be cuddly or kiss hello or be a couple per se but they just never take it so far that I feel excluded. So I'd ask myself if that's what the couples you're with are doing, or if that's perhaps a hidden expectation or belief that you need to unpack.

[@RobRaptor49]

As the dude in a marriage - 3rd wheel? No prob! Happy to hang out with people! Also, I will make time for my wife to get out on her own. She's at a ladies craft night right now. Be patient. Things take time.

[@dabbler1166]

@@IshtarNike I never said anything about what the couples are doing! I'm talking about how I often feel when i'm WITH a married couple, even if we're all getting along fine, and we almost always are. Apparantly, I am not-at-all alone in such feelings, as I see I've already got 61 LIKES to my original comments in only 16 hours. Obviously, people can relate! One has to wonder if you'd really tell all those other 61 people that they have an issue that they may need to "unpack".

[@chelsea7229]

I’m single by choice and childfree by choice and I want to connect with others like me, but we’re apparently a rare bunch!

[@elianad2083]

Same here..

[@chris1110]

Exactly

[@wlhansen2068]

Agree

[@CuteCatsofIstanbul]

Same here but I actually dont think we are that rare. Most of us are true to ourselves, that’s sadly rare.

[@YaYa-ke1zr]

Me too. I wish there was a way to create meet-up type local small groups.

[@Spiral.Dynamics]

The thing that has helped me the most was to learn to love myself first. This helps me feel more charity towards people who could be my friend.

[@BuizelCream]

I love this, especially when loving yourself lets you become like a fountain that just overflows and you can't help but feel charitable or self-sacrificing and you don't feel like others have taken something away from you.

[@T.U.G._Alétheon]

You say that you’ve learned to love yourself, but have there been moments when you’ve found yourself in a situation of self-criticism or doubt again? How do you usually deal with that? It’s natural to sometimes fall back into old habits when self-criticism takes over. Can you share a specific example when you felt that you started to treat yourself with love, and how did it affect your behavior? When you talk about self-love, how do you feel? Does it truly evoke positive emotions in you, or is it more like words you say to emphasize a certain image? It’s important to understand if you’re speaking sincerely or if you’re perhaps trying to show something to others. Have there been moments when your actions or words contradicted what you say about loving yourself? How do you evaluate those situations? Perhaps they offer additional context or explanation for your words about self-acceptance.

[@T.U.G._Alétheon]

@@BuizelCream Well, it sounds nice, of course, but isn't this an idealized view of self-love? If you're truly overflowing with generosity, aren't you afraid that sooner or later this "overflow" will just run out? After all, loving yourself doesn't always mean you'll endlessly give to others without feeling like something is being taken from you. It almost sounds like a utopia where you're constantly abundant, but doesn't it happen that at some point you start feeling like you're losing something important, even when you're trying to be generous? Maybe this "generosity" is just a way to avoid dealing with real issues within yourself?

[@BuizelCream]

@@T.U.G._Alétheon If being generous makes someone feel depleted or a tactic to avoid personal responsibility, it doesn't come from a holistic form of self love. If this is the result of the practice, they're not really getting it.

[@T.U.G._Alétheon]

@@BuizelCream This is what I'm trying to figure out. And what is the main point of your thesis?

[@einalemainesra]

I took a group golf lesson. it was me and four older ladies. I’m 35 with no kids, and all their kids are grown. just like you said, my lifestyle matches up much better with people who are a little older than me. I attend a yoga/barre/fitness studio. I’m usually very reserved there, because I’m just trying to focus on myself. but sometimes the teachers encourage us to talk to each other so I’ve slowly started opening up. I’m learning how to play mahjong, and hoping to connect with others by teaching and playing with others! like you mentioned, I try to say yes to everything! I tend to self-isolate often because I enjoy being alone. but connecting with others improves my mental health. I don’t want to admit it because I’m so introverted. but it’s true.

[@sonnyman9468]

bingo

[@YaYa-ke1zr]

💯

[@vanessak8935]

I am sorry that you feel lonely. Thank you for putting words to my feelings and in turn helping me to understand why I am at the place I am mentally.

[@sylviemariehebert9758]

I'm so glad you have made this video because I have found it nearly impossible to make new friends. In my early 50s, in a new town where I know no one. I've been here for 2 years and I have made one new friend, and like a few acquaintances that could be friends. And even that, has been incredibly tough. At least I know it's not only because of me being me...

[@T.U.G._Alétheon]

I understand how you feel, and of course, at first it might seem like making new friends in adulthood is almost impossible. However, don’t attribute everything to “me being me.” Sometimes our expectations are too high, and we start seeing loneliness as a personal failure. In reality, it’s completely normal that, in a new environment and at a mature age, the process of building connections takes more time. There are moments when we just need to be patient with ourselves and others, not rush, and let relationships develop naturally. Yes, it can be tough, but maybe you’re already on the right track, even if you don’t see the results immediately.

[@charthers8903]

People don’t want friends until they NEED them, than they try to go GET them and can’t - Always get friends knowing one day you’ll NEED them

[@0xymor3]

Socialisation is supposed to be a basic need, as feeling seen, heard and supported. I find the remark interesting regarding my own story with "you might need specific people one day" in my upbringing but I'm not sure I understand what you mean. If it's about being totaly ignored and then you become useful when they need it, it's more about boundaries and what you really share together.

[@teen-at-heart]

Soooo true! What is meant (as I understand it) is that quite a lot of people invest astonishingly little time in building friendships with people they like and connect with. Those people collect nice people on the way, do lots of different things with different people, therefore feel their social needs met, but aren’t very committed, because there are lots of options and new people and everything feels ok, right? But then comes the time when they actually need deep emotional support and they realize that those many contacts are too superficial to help with that….they’ve invested too little time in deliberately building deeper friendships.

[@SP-ml3bs]

I no longer bother with friendship because it was exhausting to try to maintain relationships with other people while working, doing chores, taking care of myself, and volunteering. I don't really fit in with anyone either since I am middle aged, married but childless and I don't like to go out after 5pm, I don't drink or party. I prefer to meet up for lunch and then go for a walk but everyone my age is busy with their kids, etc. Also, 6.5 years ago, one of my close long-term female friends sexually assaulted me along with one her male friends. I could not believe that someone I cared for and was friends with for so long would throw our friendship away for a night of pleasure (their pleasure, not mine.) I just don't need drama in my life and find it's safer to keep to myself, my spouse and our many pets.

[@barbaraam7256]

I'm so sorry about the sexual assault episode. I couldn't believe when I read that. But I hope your life is better now with your spouse and your many pets, that sounds like a great life.

[@coppersense999]

Appreciate Katie's vulnerability in sharing her own experience that we can relate to

[@please.stop.snoring]

I’ve been isolated for a very long time. As time goes on, it gets more and more isolated for me. I cut off my only two friends because of poor boundary issues and just growing apart. I got online. I think socializing is extremely important for mental health.

[@elianad2083]

I think Social media is depressing and superficial. Not a real connection.

[@dadman1435]

Thanks Kati. Needed to hear this today. You rock.

[@GrungeGalactica]

I started going to a drama club, not made friends yet but is really helping my confidence and giving me something to do other than looking at my phone☺️

[@AuntieBri5]

It's not that I like being alone. I crave connection. But everyone ends up hurting me. They just use me or hurt me in some way or just leave for some reason (even if the reason is a natural one, such as moving). It's not comfortable being alone, but it is safer. Yes it hurts, but it hurts more hurt to have connection and then have someone turn on you.

[@allisonsorzano9021]

I feel like the only safe friends are the ones with four legs!

[@0xymor3]

I know what you mean, sending you a virtual hug with consent ! ❤‍🩹

[@AuntieBri5]

@0xymor3 right back at you, with consent, of course! Hugs are my favorite!

[@kayireland4156]

I'm sorry -- I can relate 😢

[@AuntieBri5]

@@kayireland4156 I so wish you didn't. I wouldn't wish this upon anyone. I'm sending you love and hugs

[@juton74]

I have several (old) elderly people in my life who were happy living and being alone for a long time. Now that they are old and sick, they are absolutely miserable, so glad about any company and care they can get. We are just not wired to be alone in the long run.

[@kevyxcx5829]

do they have a cat? do they exercise or did they?

[@juton74]

⁠@@kevyxcx5829one had cats, but has no more, all did exercise when they were healthier, but can’t anymore. I guess, far too often we take health for granted, that we can do everything by ourselves. Being alone AND helpless takes misery to a whole different level, I suppose.

[@Brosepha]

Yes exactly. I am helping a woman who has nobody never married, no kids no family. She said if it wasnt for her cat, and me, she wouldnt be alive. Thats really sad. She had to do everything alone but at some point she just couldn’t anymore.

[@juton74]

@@Brosephathat’s really sad! Thanks for being there for her and caring. You make this world a better place.

[@juton74]

@@kevyxcx5829my answer seems to not have been posted 🤔 sorry. One had cats, but no more. All were physically active until they got sick, like biking, hiking or jogging.

[@djmonkeydoo2]

Kati, thank you so much for sharing this and being vulnerable. This was so reassuring and I feel exactly the same, and I’m also a therapist! I have felt this on and off throughout my 20’s and it SUCKS. We will find our tribe! And for the record, you are someone very worth knowing - you will find your way. You know you can trust yourself. Thank you for your congruence. It’s inspired me to be brave and reach out today to people on the edges of my life who I wish are more central xxx

[@WeCanBeHeroes1]

Thank you for beeing so open. We love you.

[@amy52347]

Thank you so much for validating my feelings too.

[@ashleyusher28]

I love this conversation! Currently going through a separation and one of the things that had me so emotional was the feeling of loneliness. I remembered how I used to have so many friends and friend groups and how I prioritized my relationship and kids to the point that I never went anywhere without my husband or kids. Now that I’m on the cusp of single life, I’ve been putting an active effort into making friends and reaching out to maintain those lines of connection and communication and it’s been really paying off! I am finding that because of my life experiences I am able to relate and be open to a wider range of people than I had given myself credit for so that has been great. I won’t lie and say it’s easy, or that my feelings don’t get hurt when I feel like someone has wasted my time, but I think if you’re honest with the new people you’re trying to befriend (I.e. hey my kids have a ton of activities) they’re much more likely to work with you to schedule time to hang out! Last thing that I do, probably out of a fear or being disappointed, is that if I want to do a certain activity, i invited people, but am okay if no one comes. I’ve just been getting more comfortable doing things alone

[@anyaroz8619]

It's hard to start over! Cherish yourself now! I cried for six months straight when I separated from my ex husband and I felt so much sorrow and fear of never finding love. I had to learn about myself first, what I like, what I don't like, what I want etc. Because I was married for 17 years I had no idea how to live by myself at that point. I look back and remember how scared and sad I was and how suddenly this curiosity kicked in and I became happy to be by myself, then the discovery and then the best life began with the best bf now husband, some major friendship and career shifts. Hang on there - life is going to be beautiful!

[@crystalfisher2433]

With a lifetime of abandonment, making friends is dangerous. It's incredibly lonely but safer to be alone.

[@Touay.]

Are you in therapy?

[@jenn1755]

I agree 💯 with you; also for me at times I feel alone and fear being abandoned again, and used for their benefits until I have nothing left to be taken, including my energy. This world is getting more terrifying the older I turn.

[@crystalfisher2433]

@@Touay. Yes.

[@Touay.]

@@crystalfisher2433 ok, good. I hope things get better for you. I am friendless as i have CPTSD and autism. i really struggle with social interaction. I think the CPTSD side is improving, but i do not know if i will ever be able to establish or maintain a friendship.

[@HypsyGyspy1467]

I feel haunted by the losses and unfulfilled dreams . I feel Insignificant and purposeless .. how can I possibly make friends

[@WisconsinWanderer]

good topic but lately i feel like i’m gaslighting myself when i feel like i’m connecting with another adult and feel really good about it only to find out we differ so drastically politically. I can’t tell you how many times i’ve been gut punched lately it’s devastating. thank you Katie

[@anyaroz8619]

same ❤

[@elianad2083]

That's why I stay from politics and religion in conversations.

[@daviddanielsson3643]

Can be more difficult with mental health issues (C-PTSD in my case), since you're not fully present and always on edge. Had a period when I tried to form friendships with people that I met in a psych ward - maybe not the best idea, because you generally need something else in common than struggling mentally. And meeting "normal" people requires "the talk" ("oh, by the way, I have limitations because of a trauma disorder...") and hope that they understand. It's ususally at this point that you realize that most people you think are "normal" struggle as well. Or they know other people who do.

[@Arcanist_Gaming]

I have the opposite problem; people shut down when I explain why I have limitations. It's messed up on a lot of levels.

[@alanminne8185]

I can't find anyone I can relate with on any level whatsoever.

[@te9591]

Yeah, it seems like in order to be more social you can't be as true to what your internal thoughts really are. That's why I'm such a lonely wolf.

[@Arcanist_Gaming]

My people right here!

[@watamala1]

There are others like u. Perhaps just hard to find

[@alanminne8185]

@@watamala1 I'm sure there are, but they're so well hidden, I would probably have better odds finding Bigfoot.

[@vester7457]

I wouldn't say anyone, can't find anyone, but I would say rare as hen's teeth

[@austiiee1953]

Kati, I know the phenomenon of parasocial relationships is crazy lately, but I just want to give you a big hug. I just feel like a lot of us need a hug lately. Just wanted to say thanks for being you and that you are appreciated so much by so many ❤

[@MissDesdemona]

I needed this because one of my oldest friendship ended a few years ago and trying to make new friends has been difficult.

[@christopherdunkak737]

Thanks for making this video Kati. Your willingness to be vulnerable makes you have such a positive impact. It’s motivated me to take action and make friends.

[@tross-lj2eb]

I didn't move but I went through a few years of being too invested in my career, while at the same time there was a cost of living exodus from my city, and when I came up for air I found I had no social life to speak of. I did ALL the things you're supposed to do to make friends and I really felt like a loser because it didn't seem to be working. Turns out, it just takes WAAAAY longer than you'd think, and it is a trial and error process with many dead ends which can be so demoralizing. I finally feel like I have a community now. For me the lesson is, never try your hardest at your job, or even like more than 60% effort. They don't deserve you and it's not worth it.

[@skeptik-ci5xo]

I am 45 and dealing with this right now. I have no problem being the initiator, but it is extremely frustrating because I am the always the one putting in the effort and it's very rarely reciprocated. So I have constant feelings of rejection. It makes me feel terrible and unworthy. What do you do in a case like this? I don't want to feel desperate and needy and like I have to chase and beg people. But you are right, a lot of people are busy and/or already have their friendship circles and they aren't looking to invest in new friends. I used to have close friends, but have been abandoned by many of them, and others I had to cut ties with for treating me poorly. I truly feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me. The only person I have in my life who truly sees, knows, and loves me is my husband. But I need other people in my life that I can count on and offer my support to as well. I am very lonely and feel hopeless.

[@absolutely_entirelyforHimalone]

You're not alone in this. I'm 47 and I have tried several times to enter different communities and it all just fizzles out. I'm also having the same experience that people just don't seem interested in getting to know me or making an effort. Every time I want to put myself out there, I ask myself what's the point? It's been incredibly disheartening and discouraging. 💛 and 🙏🏽

[@Tilly236]

I could have written this myself! I just can't put up with one-sided relationships any more. I get that people are busy and have a lot to deal with, but so do I 🤷🏻‍♀️ Yet I'm the one who has to keep the communication going. It takes a minute or less to send a text saying 'How are you?' I've asked people politely if they can reciprocate, they do it once, then I have to ask again when they forget yet again. I want to feel important enough for someone to let me know they at least think of me. It's exhausting taking on the weight of it all.

[@skeptik-ci5xo]

@@Tilly236 Exactly! I try to give people the benefit of the doubt, and yes, we are all busy. But when you care about others you make time. And when someone doesn't reply to a text at all, as was the case with a woman I was becoming friendly with and had spent time with one-on-one and with our partners, I reached out to ask if they wanted to join us for a concert. No reply. Followed up the next day No reply. I won't tell the whole story, but it irks me to no end, bc everyone is glued to their phones 24/7. You don't want to go? Fine! But have the courtesy to respond to the freaking text invitation!! It takes a nanosecond. I can't be friends with someone who is that self-important and inconsiderate. But of course I still fee like there's something wrong with me. How fu**ed up is that. It's interesting to see how many people are in the exact same boat. When you live in your own little world, you forget that there are billions of people on the planet, and a lot of them struggle with the same issues.

[@Tilly236]

@@skeptik-ci5xo I have people who do that too. It's pretty ignorant I think.

[@mousepudding]

@@Tilly236 Completely relate to this. I sent a coworker a link to a film I had told her about but couldn't remember the title at the time, and she couldn't even be bothered to respond. A simple "thanks" was all that was needed. The next time I saw her, I asked if she had gotten it. She said, "oh yeah I saw that." Like she had been driving down the highway and had passed a billboard or something. Maybe we're just more caring than most these days?

[@ColeTrain9984]

As an adult most people already have an established friend group and don’t want to admit anyone new into that group as it would upset the current dynamic. It also requires time and effort to vet/feel someone out in order to trust them, this comes more naturally as a child as there is less time to develop baggage and risk of manipulation is lower. The barriers to friendship as an adult are much higher because they are used as a protection mechanism from getting harmed from those who have been hurt themselves.

[@amymitchell3859]

I’m in Texas and Texas is definitely not what it used to be for me growing up. I would totally love to have a friend like you.

[@31minutesago]

I'm going to Texas to stalk my exes.

[@aliciafifi3186]

I really appreciate this, thank you. My favorite part was wanting to be deep with every friend. That is so me....I always try and talk philosophical or emotional with even co-workers or strangers, I always would get frustrated and think of everyone like robots. I'll appreciate people and do things differently from now on....hopefully.

[@Pohgg-c9o]

I have a similar story to many here. Moved a long distance at 40. Life fell apart. Spent the last decade throwing myself at rebuilding. In the process however prioritized away any chance at a personal life out the window. I now'ish can live a little and mostly find myself fighting my hermit nature. I choose solo actives first and every time like the gym, a book, a hike or paddle boarding. I know that there are more social options that at least can build acquaintances like hiking/jogging/disk golf/pickleball/rowing club/biking groups. Just been unable so far to get my ass in that direction. Personally think its best to accept that teen-aged and college type friendships are a thing of that time. As adults best to aim for acquaintances and a sense of community wherever you can get it.

[@Kristen-ek9rz]

This 53 yr. old woman has obsessed over this issue so much because I had many friends in High School and now I have a few friends scattered about. What I have concluded, which has helped me, are two points. First, it is more than okay NOT to have a lot of friends. I have more time for self-care, being with my husband and kids, and helping my aging mother. The second point that really helps me is that being friendly to random strangers while out and about truly helps me feel connected to others......just chit-chatting with other people at the pool I go to, and being ok with it just being that. Don't be hard on yourself everyone....so man of us judge ourselves over this.

[@sandisslantoneverything]

I thought I needed this ‘tribe’ that social media makes you believe that you need or you will shrivel up and die. I kept trying to make friends. I tried to reconnect with old friends that I realize now were toxic and that is why I was not friends with them anymore. So I moved some friends that I was trying to hold onto, but were not putting in the same effort, into the next circle out. We will catch up when we catch up, no trying anymore. I moved the toxic people to the bin. I looked and realized my husband and my grown children were really my best friends. And then started talking to people as I walked the dog about the weather, and then a little about their lives the next time. Or just talking to strangers in line at the store. It satisfies a need for connection, but it isn’t deep and it works. If I really need to talk about something really deep, it is my husband or kids. They know the back story, and they are safe. I am also c-ptsd, late diagnosed autistic and adhd. Making things much more complicated. I feel much better realizing how much interaction I personally need, and getting just that much. I think people need to evaluate that, since we are all different.

[@SDrareRedhead]

GREAT video Kati. I lost a lot of friends when I was in therapy and discovered they were only friends for what I can give them. With a husband who is pretty much a roommate it gets really lonely and thus started the spiral of SH and ED. Friendships are so important for support and I find myself not having many. I DID connect with a high school friend again who has been an amazing support and knows my issues since I battled them in high school! Maybe I should move to Texas and hang out with you! ;). I think you would be a blast, but also a ride or die type of friend. (Don’t worry, I’m not a stalker and would have to be in recovery from all the crap) but it’s a nice thought! My therapist says as I get better and more confident in loving myself I will see more people drawn to friendships with me. :). Until then, I pay HER to be my friend for an hour! Ha.

[@juliemosley1999]

Different cultures in different States. I experienced the same thing as you did , when I moved from Texas to LA. Extremely difficult to relate to the totally different culture

[@Katimorton]

Yes! Such different cultures! States can sometimes feel like completely different countries! xoxo

[@juliemosley1999]

@ I wish I still lived in Austin. I’d love to take you to lunch!♥️

[@compreensaooemexpansao]

Como sou agradecida pela sua existência e pelo seu trabalho ❤ Compartilhei com minhas amigas. Muitas pessoas precisam te conhecer e toda contribuição que você trás 😊

[@MyMamaSaid312]

excellent topic...

[@stoffls]

One thing I learned over the past few years: the age gap does not matter that much anymore. I have friends who are much younger and some who are a lot older than I am. But then, I lost most of my friends over the years, I have a lot of loose friends but at the current stage in my life this is enough for me.

[@bill88694]

Hi Kati. What you said about yourself and challenges we all face in keeping and making new connections as we get older is validating for me. Perhaps low self esteem, comfort level with strangers, moving a lot for Uni and work, and, generally being too judgmental gets in the way of meeting new friends in my past. I think what works for me now and my wife (no kids family), connecting with our neighbours through our pets playdates has been quite rewarding and being with others with the same quirky sense of humor (that you and Sean show on your podcasts) helps!

[@shannonkaypaperieshannonja1918]

I like the idea of scheduling phone calls. I’m going to do that and that will eliminate my guilt at letting weeks go by without contact and feeling like a crappy mother, sister, niece, etc…. Great idea!

[@juliemosley1999]

Your video is extremely helpful

[@susanfletcher9418]

Great video and excellent timing! I moved to a very small rural town last year and I’ve been having a challenging time making new friends up here. Most of the ladies in the community my age have children who are in high school, and I am still single and don’t have any kids of my own. Most of these people have also grown up together and lived their whole life here, so it’s really hard to feel like the outsider trying to insert myself into their lives.

[@CJandEllie]

For some reason, people don't view me as friend material. They go out at work and I'm not even considered. It happens often. I am more like an afterthought in this world, not a being of substance.

[@RobRaptor49]

Katie and anyone else going through this - I'm sorry you're in that place. It's hard. And it sucks. Please try to remember that it IS just a transition time. You are making those friends you want right now. Or you will be meeting them in the near future. This will get better.

[@anyaroz8619]

Oh Hallelujah!!!!!!! I keep waiting for someone talk about friendships in adulthood and every therapist on line only devoting time to either romantic relationships or trauma healing or personal growth, but nothing on friendship and finally Kati speaks on "my" topic. Thank you so so much. I feel very isolated. My husband and I have been traveling/nomading for 12 years now and I lost all of my friendships to this lifestyle. Moving from place to place makes it next to impossible making deep and meaningful connections

[@andreasmith1280]

What you said in this video has been exactly what I have had on my heart for a couple of years now. I too live in TX but am originally from LA as well. Will be 40 this year. Making new friends takes alot of work, these days I’m just learning to enjoy my own peace.

[@luciamariarossi4120]

I have moved 4 countries in the last 8 years and every time I really struggled to meet friends. I am single but I was more motivated to find friends than a date. I think the age part (I’m also in my early 40s) affects that a lot. As you all mentioned, it’s an age where everyone is married or with kids so there is no space/time/interest for you. One thing that I did (among others) was to create/join a facebook group for international ladies (only) in my city above 40 and then plan a monthly dinner in a different restaurant for the first 10 people who sign up. Every month a different person organises it. Each pays their own meal. Sometimes we have no one who organises but it’s still been going on for a year. I cannot say that I am close friend (or even real friends) with these people and I would lie if I said I don’t miss having a really good friend where I live, but to me these outings are still better than meeting no one. And as the months passed people started organising also other activities (say someone wants to go to the movie and asks in the group if anyone wants to go too). As an introvert i have had to force myself to go out many times, and sometimes I don’t have ton of fun but I am still doing it and it somehow helps building something. Thanks for sharing your experience, we are not alone.

[@learnyguy2738]

Thanks so much for being so open about your own experience with this! It really resonates. As someone in their late 40s who is also child-free (and wife-free) it has been extremely difficult to make new friends, especially when my mindset is a good ten years behind my peers. I have friends in the their early 40s who have basically quit life. They have their careers in line to get their pension/retirement, and after that they're just going to coast. Meanwhile I'm going back to college to become a LCSW. I recognize that I have freedoms my peers don't. The hard part is being aged out of certain groups is that I'm too young to hang out with people I know who are 50+ yet somehow I feel too old to connect with people in their 30s, people I identify more with vis-a-vis the way I think and my general energy level. I have to be the one to take myself out to events and places where I can meet people, and it doesn't always work out. I'm trying sites and apps like meetup or timeleft but I've vacillated between not finding my people or being ghosted(!!). I keep trying regardless, but damn it doesn't feel Sisyphian. Lastly, I so appreciate the belly laugh I got from Sean/Shawn chiming in at 7:25! I believe you, man!!

[@santomorosini7743]

I clicked on this video not expecting to get new advice. I thought I was gonna get the same old 5 ways like every other KZbin video gives on making friends. Kati you really deep dived into this subject and gave me new ways and I really appreciate it.

[@CJandEllie]

YES. My job sucks everything out of me. Nine hours on my feet, heavy lifting, horrible managers...my mind and skin are exhausted.

[@MarleyLeMar]

Recently I did a 30-day digital detox using a medical protocol to get my dopamine levels balanced. I didn't realize it would reach beyond digital activity, into all aspects of my life, or it wouldn't have been sustainable, at least for me. I had to close all my exits, see the whole picture, and then, slowly and deliberately, open up my activities and associates with boundaries aligned to my more aware sense of self and purpose. My experience agrees with the idea that, after the clearing-out process, the appropriate people are able to appear.

[@Tilly236]

I've felt stuck for years because I have chronic illnesses and can't work, so I can't make workplace friends. I volunteer and have made some friends there, but they're quite superficial. Meetup groups often have older people in them, because of where I live and because they're more likely to be not working too. But they aren't into the same things I am. I've tried going to events I wasn't sure about, but found it exhausting, trying to learn/enjoy something and conversate with new people. My closest friend is in another country 😕 It's difficult too because I can't always be reliable because of health issues. It's so difficult 😩 But I shall keep trying! 💪

[@Kristen-ek9rz]

Me too....I completely understand your situation. Wishing you well.

[@CynthiaM-c5o]

Thank you Ms. Morton for making the effort, time, and for being so transparent about your struggles with this topic. I agree with you regarding the American lifestyle of working too hard and/or having a spousal/significant other, children or grandchildren demands in their lives. They could also be dealing with ageing parents. I always thought this was distinctive to America because I lived in Italy and visited Ireland, and I did not find meeting new people and making friends such a strain as it is in America. I also found immigrants from Latin America to be more forthcoming about getting together. I heard Americans who lived in Latin American say there is a value of brotherhood when it comes to social situations. I am divorced, child free and come from a scapegoating family system. The few in my family that were not toxic are deceased. Therefore I cannot fall back on family. Many still don't understand that.

[@snappycattimesten]

Acquaintance is more apt than friend according to my definition. Reality is friends take effort by both, and that’s not common.

[@4597-1]

As they say, people come into our life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime 🫶🏼 Thanks for this video!!

[@jamielarsen3749]

I got lucky with making friends as an adult. Before i moved out of Wisconsin, I started playing Roller Derby. Then when I moved to Washington, I found another roller derby team to join. Now I’ve been in Washington for almost 2 years and I have made lots of great friends and play roller derby every chance I get.

[@RLiberty94]

I feel soooo much after watching this video and reading a bunch of the comments. For so long I thought I was the problem. Then I thought, well maybe it's just because everyone I meet is in a different season of life from me. I'm married, 30s, no kids, work from home. My husband is military so we move around and that's something I've been used too from also growing up military. But I feel soooo much better now! Thank you. I feel validated and like the efforts I put in have been worthwhile, even though only one friendship has actually panned out. Like I tried connecting at a new church when we first arrived to our duty station. Tried connecting with different women, couples (for my hubby to connect as well). Tried this for over 2 years. And here and there some light connections happened, but they fizzled out so quickly. I kept thinking I'd done or said something wrong. Now, I've finally got one friend. I'm I wholeheartedly agree with you when you said that there's different types of friendships for different purposes. It's sooo true! I think the biggest lesson I've learned is expectation management. Realizing that it's not fair to me or to the potential friend if I come in expecting us to become best friends over night. So, definitely proud of myself for realizing that. Then, just reminding myself that I have friends, they're just not local. So keeping in touch with them is imperative. Thank you, again, for this video!

[@twofeathersemmy]

Thank you so much for this! I am also going through something similar, having moved across the country from my dear friends. Your validation and tips and thoughts are SO helpful. I promise that I am going to be more open-minded about making friends in the place I am living now. Part of what I have struggled with is just not wanting to start over to make new friends. But it's not starting over, it's actually adding to my life and maybe someone else's too. It's been hard... you know, life stuff. ☺💝 I feel encouraged and better now, and I hope that you do too, and also everyone else that resonates.

[@daniels4209]

you had a decent and productive life with people. i generally keep a eye out for friend quests every were i go. like will be given.

[@davey64]

The topics of your recent videos are very timely for me. I moved to a new city where I didn’t know anyone, buried two family members from unexpected deaths, upon which my wife left me and is now engaged. Then I lost my job. Then I started having flashbacks and night terrors of childhood se**ual abuse. Now, I am alone in an empty house. No one to spend the holidays with. Truly feels like a dark place.

[@edenalicerosebelovedchildo5958]

I don’t feel so alone being alone now. That makes things easier. I feel empowered to reach out now - more for activities and just see if any friendships develop but not feeling frantic about it because it’s been normalized by Kati. Thank you Kati. ♥️

[@Luciana111flora]

.making friends was hard for me even as a kid..lol..so I admit that sometimes it's a bit triggering when people talk as if only adults have trouble making friends

[@LifelongLearner-ni5mp]

I can so relate to this, thank you for sharing. Also I keep looking at your kitchen countertop wishing to know what the name of it is lol.

[@fionagrant2023]

the more you try the more you realise people are not nice

[@Kristian179]

I'd say even as an Adult,making friends is easy, the true problem lies in maintaining all those relationships

[@mz-pd5hw]

I think it depends on the definition of "friend", I wouldn't call a friend someone you share a beer with or you just do repeatedly an activity, to me, that's just someone you know.

[@Arcanist_Gaming]

Yeah, what I think the last comment was alluding to is the difference between fair-weather friends and true friends. Fair-weather friends don't require genuine connection and tend to scorn vulnerability, whereas the latter is the opposite.

[@jennifers.7037]

Have never related to something soo much.. My partner and I are childfree as well and it seems like EVERYONE has children. I'm the same age as you and I often feel left out as I'm not part of this "mom club". It's such a lonely time in my life and being an introvert makes it that much more challenging. Thank you soo much for this video. ❤

[@phxsqhenes]

I’m a very young adult but I’m happy that I’ve been able to do these things in college as someone who used to never talk unless spoken to :) Talks with my mom about my struggles with friendships actually motivated me to go out and talk to people and make different kinds of friends along with saying “yes” to just anything when I was free on campus. I only hope for these relationships to grow, I want more friends as someone who often feels loneliness after moving away from my friends who I’d known for YEARS since I was younger.

[@Jeunee301]

Thanks Kati. I needed this today. I moved to a new area a 16 months ago. I work from home so I literally go days without interacting with anyone except my 16 year old daughter, which is limited because she’s a teenager. I haven’t met anyone in all this time and it gets very lonely. I like what you said about just not liking the way it is. I’ve struggled to want to do anything about it. I love working from home and am an introvert but I do miss daily interactions.

[@suehey11234]

Better do it now. If you think it’s difficult making friends at your age, you don’t want to do it when you’re older. It’s lonely town.

[@CELERITAS-BONITAS]

I feel good hearing that I've been doing some of the work already, and that I just have to keep pushing through that discomfort.

[@DolceIbarra]

I moved an hour away to the beach which sounded great and was fun to say I did, but the reality was being that far away from my social circle was harsh. I was so lonely and ended up moving back. Now I feel like I’m stuck. Saying yes to things has me feeling overwhelmed and stressed. I’m just going to focus on work and stay in my lane.

[@BenIsFiguringitOut]

Totally agree with all of this! This is a struggle for me too!

[@dalenjurgens6751]

This is idea gold, Kati, thank you! I would like to have a couple more friends. All my friends are on the internet far away. I don't have anyone local to do things with. That's no fun. lol Thank you for putting your skills and experiences out there for us to glean from!

[@James-dq3jo]

It’s hard to do I find most of mine through hobbies & shared activities. This is also a good way to find people who think like you…neurotypical types tend to do “normal” things like gold & meeting up to watch football. Less-neurotypical people tend to have more interesting & unconventional hobbies.

[@mattesrocket]

wow, you reflecting this topic so intelligent and in detail, that you know now a lot about it and will be so understanding, if a client comes up with this topic and you can give then tips that are well adapted to the concrete circumstance of the client. When I started this topic at my therapists I never got well differentiating answers or tips, they never understood loneliness how I felt it... (and not able to make friends, because of the reason you said here). YOU ARE THE BEST

[@orozcoaj69]

I love all of these tips ~ have tried a couple of them and they failed 😣. I asked people to go on coffee dates or walks. They said yes and closer to the day, they canceled and don’t reschedule. I gave up. The only one I will NEVER do is to go out with colleagues 🙅🏽‍♀️

[@caffeinered]

As an adult social environments were I am are typically pubs and bars. I find these environments challenging being too loud and I also find when people have been drinking alcohol they can be challenging. I personally don't like being or the feeling intoxicated. I try to keep an eye out for short courses to do. Having an organised activity can help break the ice. Finding things through the Meetup app I have found to be quite hit and miss and miss. One environment I have found that I can make friendships is through the hobby of the anthromorphic fandom. Plus this is a creative outlet for me.

[@Cassandra-..-]

I joined a large group based on a new hobby. With social anxiety, I know that I need a commitment/reason to show up, and so I volunteered for a couple of things, joined many events, and one committee. Straying a little far from my comfort zone. I’m gradually… getting friendlier… with a few individuals and feel a pretty good sense of community with the group in general. I tried another group around the same time, and it was laughable how much of a mismatch those folks were for me. Glad I had that first group to know it just wasn’t me, lol.

[@jamesthompson3576]

I used to be really popular in middle school and high school. This was pre-social media like 06-12’. I’ve lost those connections because I never made a facebook. At 31, I have zero friends and basically became a nomad/refugee. It sucks, but it doesn’t phase me. Honestly, social media is like the fakest and least social thing ever. Screw society and people. I love being alone. I’m so proud of it. ❤️

[@paulashoo]

I live in Texas in a major city. Your experience is a well articulated description of my own, except I have kids - which hasn’t made a difference for me. In the last 18 months out of 22 years, I finally found I had friends. I doubted them for a long time due to experiences with others. But making the first move repeatedly to bring my volunteer friends into my nonvolunteer life made a difference. I am not where I want to be in terms of a sensed of community or connection but it’s a start.

[@alibongois]

THIS IS REALLY HELPFUL XXX sorry things have been so hard for you xx I'm 48 and just emerging from being severely underweight and having to basically start over with friendships. To know I'm not alone is so helpful. I was asked out for coffee recently by a new friend and I chickened out and the last minute. She was lovely about it but I worried anxiety would win.... I won't now. Let's do this:) PS Ur honesty and willingness to get real and be vulnerable is inspiring and valuable. Thank you for that. Hang in there lovely XX and btw can't believe ur 41 :)

[@patricksimmonds1948]

Have always found it difficult to make friends, but yes, particularly in adulthood it is more difficult for me to make friends. Having trust issues doesn’t help with this either. May be moving house to completely new area next year away from pretty much everyone/everything i know and this is one of the things that is worrying me the most 😢

[@SteffidelaM]

I moved to a completely new area 3 years ago and still have a hard time really making connections. This year I met someone and we get along so I'm very excited about that. I do feel lonely...

[@barbarabreedon7640]

I find it really difficult to make friends and I find social situations difficult. I’m a lot more cautious who to be friends with as I’ve been burnt too many times which has put me right off tryin to make friends.

[@sonnyman9468]

give people a chance, sparks dont always fly rightaway. some of my best friendships/relationships maybe started a bit slow/awkward but just keep trying and maybe a connection can be made. dont just give up on people right away

[@brandonchavez3481]

Life is expensive that's why it's hard to make friends as a adult

[@_Chessa_]

I found the loophole Imaginary friends! Had them all my life! 😅

[@msxeunybunxy]

Hi Kati, Thank you for sharing this video and being honest and vulnerable about your struggle. I'm sorry you may not have the friends you need or you might be struggling with loneliness. What videos of yours can I learn more about you moving to Texas? I think I missed why you moved down there.

[@jackshadow1234]

Making friends is the worst, every single person I called a friend walked out on me and ignored me in the worst time in my life, like years didn't even matter. They can all rot, and it's ruined my mindset of friends. Cause no matter how good of a time I have with new friends, there's that feeling that they'll just ghost me.

[@Emily-up7rz]

Thank you for some great starters. I left a relationship with an abusive narcissist only to realize all of "my friends" were really his. I hadn't realized how isolated I had become. After years of therapy, rediscovering myself, I've also cut several other people out of my life because they were not for me. I work in a field where I feel I'm generally the exception rather than the norm, so work is not the place for finding friends either. Then there's the looming prospect of moving. I want to move, just trying to find a job before I do. It's been hard.

[@FYProduction]

Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I've also reflected on this idea, observing how older family members often hesitate to leave the house, especially as close friends or siblings pass away one by one. It seems men, in particular, may be more prone to withdrawing socially or avoiding new friendships. As someone trying to learn a new foreign language, I’ve found that language barriers add another layer of difficulty to forming new connections.

[@littlezimty]

I got a wake-up call when I realized that most (if not all) of the lonely people in my life were unwilling to be the one to reach out - would sit there wishing someone will reach out to them. I was once one of those people who convinced myself that if someone wanted to talk to me they would. But now I know that the quality of the interaction, and who ends the interaction, are both way more important than who initiates it. Different friends for different reasons was something that I learned at a young age, and I remember having offended a fair few friends by sharing this realization before I realized it was a more mature mindset. They actually have a word for this type of friend in some other languages, for someone who isn't as distant as an acquaintance but you both get fulfillment from sharing a common task on a regular or semi-regular basis.

[@dougfreeman7641]

I have a hard time making friends since I been retired. For some reason it feels like everyone thinks that I'm an old drunken hillbilly. Like that is something bad.

[@indridcold8433]

I deleted this aspect of my life. I ceased having friends the 8th of August 2000 at 18:34. It was probably the best decision I have ever made. Friends are important if one is a child. Adults do not need them at all. Friends are a hindrance, and a danger, when one is an adult.

[@thedude8526]

That's the saddest thing I've heard all day.

[@claird6477]

This is so relatable. My thing is I didn’t want kids.. everyone from school wanted and had kids.. I felt like we had nothing in common anymore..my job in a classroom , by the end of the week, I’m done, in bed by 9 and all I want is quiet all weekend to get ready for the next week. And being busy taking care of parents.

[@gabriellahsdancingheart8808]

So what happens if after 20 years of being in Texas you still haven't made as good a friend as what you left in California, and now you're not close to that friend either because you have been apart 20 years? That's where I feel like I am right now. I've also found that nobody has time to build a friendship. Everyone is too busy, or too overwhelmed with their own lives and interests.

[@ezcomeezgo9215]

Awww don´t worry. You can be my friend Kati :)

[@vance_tang]

Hi Kati, what is considered "using somebody" as you mentioned in your video. Many times I have hesitations because I feel like I am just using people, especially my old "friends" considering I only talk to them now based on a certain issue/task.

[@wilberforce95]

Taking the first step in reaching out can be very nerve wracking. I am often plagued by self-doubt about whether the person in question "likes" me or not