Why Self-less Narcissist Can Never Love YOU (His Enemy)

The narcissist invests emotional energy (cathexis) only in internal objects (introjects), never in external objects like you. This is because he feels safe only with internal objects: they never abandon or reject him. The introjects and internal objects are not constellated (integrated), so the narcissist has no ego or self. Some of the internal objects constitute self-states.
In clinical terms: the narcissist has only introject (diffuse narcissistic) libido, never object libido. He identifies with and cathects only his introjects, never a love object. He can never lose a love object.
If you challenge the narcissist's introjects or undermine them, you are threatening to take away his libido (his life force), thereby becoming his enemy (a persecutory internal object).
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[@MeowMeow-yw5xt]

Professor Vaknin, I watched all of your videos in the last 2 years and I must say-not until this lecture I realized how much narcissist is invested in his internal world. Now I can completely understand the concepts of "insignificant other", "hall of mirrors" and many others. It's fascinating how people around narcissist think that they have significance in narcissist's life when actually he has his own world...like an eternal psychotic episode. It's scary and fascinating at the same time.

[@toyeekawarima1203]

@@Allegedly..Angela that's true

[@brendaplunkett8659]

@@Allegedly..Angela Yes, it is a bitter pill but it does explain so much.

[@JupGem]

Your 2nd paragraph is explained perfectly! There IS no ‘other’ to them.

[@jamiepentz4682]

My husband

[@sophie4636]

Brilliantly put 👏👏👏

[@karenknight7476]

It’s sad for you as a partner to a narcissist but worse for my children who are slowly seeing that his behavior is not normal.

[@libbynovotny9979]

you were the very first person i turned to to understand what narcissism is

[@eveforamerica7321]

I have watched about 250 hours of Vaknin’s videos. I am grateful to be learning so much.

[@huandru]

This episode of the Shoshanim Show is really good. New ideas need the support of logic and reason. From my limited understanding, it seems that personal narratives/objects beat reality all day long.

[@marianneolivierhagg5053]

Dear Professor. Your intelligences is so amazing...I can listen to you 24/7. X

[@sophiepapoutsaki6480]

Good afternoon from Greece! We are here professor !

[@pavlaustinov600]

Brilliant! Thank you. This really helps to understand how they tick and to not take personally their heartless behaviors.

[@C4RYB34R]

I got into a relationship with a narcissist. He was also literally a junkie too Sam. You remember me. Anyway he once said as we arguing a little. I said "G__! I am your friend and lover, not your enemy!" "you are not my friend you are THE ENEMY" He's gone of course but wow that comment hurt bad.

[@mohdnazirmohdnainar5992]

tqvm doc .. i ve seen may videos .. all of them says narcissists are bad .. but .. you healped me to understand my father .. and my wife of 20 years

[@porsha379]

I’m curios whether or not absent fathers play a role because my ex father abandoned him and one time during a verbal altercation with him .. I called him a fake bastard and he lost it ! I had seen his rages before but this rage was like no other . I literally thought he would physically harm me . His mother treats him like he is still her precious baby and he’s 53 . The few times I went around his family I observed the odd relationship between him and his mother. When we dated he would sometime involve her into our conversations asking her opinions. After all was said and done and I left him , and I m so glad to have found this channel 🙏🏾

[@Sarah__Sarah]

Dr. Sam, tell us about how narcissus copies people. Whoever meets on his life path, he becomes that person. For all the time you live with Nariss, it's like you're living with different people. People change, the shell remains. He copies other people, their words, their thoughts, their goals, as if he becomes this person. It's very scary to see when you live nearby. And you can't believe it, but you see it with your own eyes. Copies everyone - friends, colleagues, bloggers. Is this a grandiose fantasy?

[@Sarah__Sarah]

@@coach_amy It was like I was living with a different person every time. Every time the grandiose fantasy changed, a new person was born in it. At the end of the relationship, I asked all his statements: "Whose words are these?". Although I knew whose words they were. At the time when he was still idealizing me, I heard him talking to others using my opinions, in whole sentences. I was surprised at the time, it seemed strange to me. But now, when I found out that there is no kernel, that it is a shell that just copies someone, I am shocked. It's hard for me to explain this to people who haven't experienced it. They don't understand what I'm talking about. I wouldn't have believed it either if I hadn't seen it with my own eyes.

[@Sarah__Sarah]

@@coach_amy Yes, I have communicated with several victims of narcissists, everyone says the same thing - they constantly imitated someone. If you take my story, I consciously observed three grandiose fantasies in different periods. The first was related to business, he copied the investor. He practically merged with him and behaved like him. The second fantasy is about unprecedented success in China, he was going to move there and run a business already there (he completely copied the blogger who told the story of his success). The third fantasy is moving to the USA for unprecedented success, for the "american dream". I forgot to write, the previous two fantasies failed, and he quickly devalued them by jumping to the next fanasia. But the third fantasy keeps him for a long time. Because he met an even bigger psychopath who manipulates on his way. And he merged with him. He talks with his words, behaves like him, has adopted all his values. He has completely become him. This clearly proved the fact that narcissists do not have their own stable personality. But here he has no way back, he is now a puppet in the hands of a stronger psychopath. This is what I call karma. There is always a bigger fish. Periodically, he calls me and tells me about our common fantasy, which he invented. When I remind him that we have already broken up, he goes into a rage. He can't even imagine that I'm living my life apart from him. It's amazing. It's like a different reality.

[@Sarah__Sarah]

@@coach_amy Yes, in all scenarios there was a place of triangulation. There was always a third character. They were a team, and I had to change myself so that they would allow me to join their team. He was saying, "you need to change to be with us." I thought it was a betrayal.

[@Sarah__Sarah]

@@coach_amy The feeling of betrayal next to a narcissist is something permanent, a background atmosphere. His attention is anywhere but on you. And you're constantly competing with third parties for it. He constantly creates situations in which you feel that he is about to be stolen from you. And he doesn't hide it. He almost says it to your face, "they understand me, but you don't." Perhaps this is manipulation, so that you do what he wants. So that you are in total control. They try to make sure that you completely give up your values.

[@Sarah__Sarah]

@@coach_amy Regarding the copying of people by narcissus - perhaps it's an accident, but it's as if he copies those people who have opposite values to yours. Especially so that you argue and defend yourself, and he constantly provokes an argument. It is impossible to negotiate with him. When he completely exhausts you, and you give up, agreeing with him, he just shifts to another object and becomes his copy. And so you just resigned yourself, bent over, didn't have time to rest from all this pressure and went back into battle. Some people say "just don't argue with him," but it doesn't work, he will follow you around and provoke you. Nothing will help - neither humility, nor consent, nor understanding. It's running in a circle, and each circle is more difficult. For others, he is a cutie, and when you tell them what he really is, no one believes, everyone thinks that you are exaggerating. The victim of narcissus will understand only the victim of narcissus. The feeling of betrayal exists in the background. You may not even see or hear it, but you feel it. Lack of a sense of security and trust. You live in expectation that something is about to happen. And it happens. And yes, how to feel safe when every time you live with a copy of a person you don't know and you don't know what he is capable of. It's just a carousel of craziness.

[@runwiththewind3281]

professor Vaknin, thank you I need to go back and re-listen.

[@agataevening]

Thank you for this video and this content

[@deepsdeepskiski9621]

This makes so much sense in an ex-friend's acting out. At least I hope he gets help from a professional ....

[@gwenlock]

It comes back to the self inverted, as the opposite of love....as hate. Self hatred.

[@pquic]

this lecture is great it puts all your other videos about narcissism in to perspective

[@peterlattanzio2634]

I love your work as always!

[@henrid6881]

Yes finally interjection great ! Excellent idea to have introduced Freud in a attainable way. Next topic if possible could you please have a talk about extreme direct psychotherapy i.e. when the patient is put directly faced with what traumatized him her A demonstration video would be appreciated. Very appreciative of your content

[@rosefireful]

Thank you!.....😊

[@nafissforghani3866]

Great video 👌✨✨thank you Dr.

[@fatoumata01]

Thank you professor

[@brendaplunkett8659]

Is this why the narcissist stalks and persecutes his former love object? If they don’t hoover you?

[@bogdan1202]

Why the narcisist is talking with himself? Is strange to hear that

[@1876Susan]

Brilliant. Thank you.

[@italiama79]

Wow. I get it now.

[@Iamnosey]

you Win! 😁❤

[@Kaligod3]

During hovering he would constantly say “I’m not your enemy!” I never even used that word 😮, it was so telling like a guilty child where you walk in a room and they say “ I didn’t eat a cupcake!” Ok so you’re my enemy ( you ate a cupcake).

[@phoebushominis5302]

Fascinating. Would it be possible to analyse the historical significance of hysteria and bpd, stating your views as to whether Freud's and others' notions of hysteria properly correspond to bpd. Thank you.

[@newbeginnings7217]

Can you do a video on when a codependent is discarded from a covert narcissist, who healed her wounds because she felt safe and loved, needed and appreciated in the 20 year narcissistic relationship? How do we re-heal the ripped off thick scars ?

[@Sarah__Sarah]

Super explanation! Then why does narcissus want to get his intimate partner back instead of living in illusions with his avatar in his head?

[@Sarah__Sarah]

@@ritab3287 Are you talking about libido, the energy they use as a resource? If so, then I have a counter question. I don't understand the separation of the two fantasies a bit. Grandiose and general. Narcissus moves from grandiose faniasia to general and back. Does grandiose fantasy provide a resource? The fantasy that narcissus is inspired by, he flies with happiness when he talks about it.

[@Anarramirezw]

kzbin.info/www/bejne/d3THg6Wkm8iEgbM the answer is here

[@evilbanana08]

How does a narcissist interact with their own pets or animals, if any? I know it's a weird question but I don't think I saw a video or an essay about this topic 😂 My ex narcissist bf told me he wanted to get a puppy, but I managed to make him change his mind because we both knew he would lose interest in the poor thing and neglect it's needs. I had a feeling that would be the fate of the dog, even though at the time I had no clue he had npd, but thanks to your amazingly insightful content professor I managed to run away after only 5 months

[@iammoemcdonald]

In my case, the person I was with I witness verbal as well as physical abuse in their interaction with their pets. I saw this person kick the you know what out of one of their dogs hind legs, when I confronted them on it, their first response was that they didn't kick them that hard, I checked the dogs hind leg and it yelped. It was only after I restated that what I just witness that this person showed any amount of remorse. What's sad is that they bought the puppy to breed with one of their other dogs This person has 5 dogs.

[@pavlaustinov600]

Good question!

[@davidrodgers9244]

@@rokasdobrovolskis Yes! The intense staring, like a staring contest with no emotion. It’s also an intimidation strategy, while they’re planning how to devalue everything you’re saying so they can regain control. Just to find out later that they take everything you say and use it as their own self tought knowledge. You cannot and will never be as genius as them.

[@Cherabreena]

I have a narc in my workspace who got a dog recently. This person is obsessed with telling everyone it’s a unique and smart dog (it’s a puppy and not inherently a smart breed, whatever that means). He gets upset with the puppy for not already knowing all the dog tricks in the world. Even had a dog trainer tell him to calm down and be patient. It’s both sad and mind-boggling to watch how he exploits the puppy as well as his partner and everyone else around him for the sake of appearance to his online following. I recently left a covert narc and after educating myself on narcissism it’s just so frustrating and sad watching this other person narc around.

[@drinkingmuddywater]

They criminally neglect and abuse animals. I've witnessed it first hand and it's scary. There is a complete absence of empathy and remorse. They are a void. Empty. Not human. I had to threaten legal action to get him to take care of basic needs like providing water to all the animals he was hoarding. And he keeps getting more even though taking care of animals enrages him. He hits and kicks them and many ducks, chickens, rabbits, and goats have died under mysterious circumstances. He zip tied 2 of the male goats testicles and left them that way suffering in pain for 3 months despite all the bleeding and puss and infection and near death weight loss. He didn't care. We had been broken up the entire time but he eventually sucked me back in and as soon as I saw what he had done I loaded up the goats and took them to a friend's farm in Oregon where they underwent emergency surgery and it took 4 hours to remove all the infected tissue. The vet said it was the worst case of animal cruelty they had seen in the 30 years they had been a vet. And my ex is a doctor, believe it or not. The vet said he should be in jail and have his medical license revoked. I agree. If you see someone abusing or neglecting an animal, report them. Then run far far away. These are very dangerous people.

[@garymj5203]

Greetings Professor from va. USA

[@rosesantiago174]

THANK YOU!

[@angelaetress632]

Your funny but so smart 😂😊

[@italiama79]

Ty

[@lisabradley3987]

Can the “snapshot” ever alter in the narcissists mind based on changing behaviour of the external object, or is it immutable?

[@samvaknin]

Immutable.

[@sarahmichelle9046]

Will mortification make the snapshot immutable?

[@lisabradley3987]

So would it be possible for a narcissist to take a new and altered snapshot of the same person, based on different interaction with that person?

[@carolemuir5048]

@@lisabradley3987 I am so sorry, and I'm learning tooooo.....no.

[@zeezeezeezee3327]

Doctor I want a special session

[@Sarah__Sarah]

What should I do if I constantly want to protect this inner child who lives in a narcissist and periodically comes out? So carefree, naive and trusting, whom you want to fence and protect? How to let go of the image of this child? And the thought that without your protection he will disappear

[@Sarah__Sarah]

@@coach_amy Having already analyzed everything, I came to the conclusion that in this way I was trying to save, teach, and protect my "inner" child from troubles. Everything I did for Narcissus, I had to do for myself. Narcissus is like a mirror of ourselves. And we're trying to be a parent. But since we cannot perceive ourselves, because our parents saw us as an extension of ourselves, we have not formed our personality. Therefore, we look at narcissus as in a mirror and act through him. And I noticed that I was behaving with him, as my mother behaved with me. And yes, it looks like an addiction. It's like when I was a child, I tried to attract my mother's attention in this way. There are many parallels. But I still have a question - how can we change this in ourselves? Without it, I feel empty and inanimate.

[@Sarah__Sarah]

@@coach_amy Yes, I work with a psychologist. And yes, my mother is just like my narcissus. She rejected me in the same way. And I tried to distract her attention. Just like in a relationship with a narcissist. These relationships became my second childhood. So familiar and so dear. I have come to realize this, but I have not yet come to exist with it. I was recently diagnosed with borderline personality. And I need to work with that now.

[@Sarah__Sarah]

@@coach_amy Definitely yes. When I was in a relationship with narcissus, I felt like that child who is trying to earn love. But when I am without narcissus, it seems to me that that child in me died before he had time to grow up and there was a void.

[@Sarah__Sarah]

@@coach_amy I think so, I've always felt pressure and control. Total control, especially from the mother. I think my mother is a borderline personality

[@Sarah__Sarah]

@@coach_amy Yes, this is my type of attachment. In my childhood, there was no mother who was always there. And there were no hugs. During the day she worked, in the evening she went to the man she loved. And I, as now, remember her words to my question "do you love him more than me?", she said "no, I love you as my child, but him in a different way. When you grow up, you'll understand." And you know, she was right. I grew up and understood, especially when I got involved with narcissus 😃

[@henrid6881]

I would like to have your opinion how the "prey, victim" of the ""narcissist" is actually the prey becoming enthralled with the image of its own reflection. Could the victim falls with its own reflection mirrored by the "narc"?

[@henrid6881]

What is "introjection" on the victim's side.

[@tryingnottobeafallenorforg4029]

do you have a video on when a narcissist loses a child

[@fatoumata01]

Hello professor

[@lmiaaamin1660]

Why does he visit his sisters daily

[@latikabenz6289]

Good afternoon, Professor, always a pleasure to learn with your expositions. Why do you think the narcissist goes out for casual sex with strangers and prostitutes waiting that the spouse will feel shame and finally leave? Is not the narcissist supposed to be ashamed of this behavior?

[@latikabenz6289]

@@rahmasamir909 yes I think i don't have other option, but honestly, it makes me so angry. I can't help it. Thank you for sharing your experience.

[@henrid6881]

Catharsis = integration of the shadows

[@fatoumata01]

Professor do you teach online courses

[@samvaknin]

No.

[@carospereman3537]

Prof SV ... handsome dude that he is, his haircut is even more debonair.

[@stingybindi]

Irrelevant or not "your laugh sounds mischievous, makes me laugh"

[@karenc9786]

sexy video as always thanks sam vaknin

[@abovetheroses-3799]

Well articulated.

[@mmEtheric]

the Minnie Mouse mug. Gotta love it.