Why she won't have sex with you

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00:00 Start
02:36 Broken Trust, Connection or Safety
04:27 Resentment or Unresolved Pain
05:25 Unmet Needs or Expectations
06:45 Withholding as Punishment
08:37 Using Sex as a Commodity
09:37 Manipulation
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#CaitlinV

[@AjuntaPall316]

Never happened in my relationship with my wife. Told her early on that weaponizing sex or manipulation with sex is one way ticket to the curb/divorce. So it's never happened. And likely never will. Set the rule early and uphold it, and it will never be an issue. Sometimes someone isn't in the mood and that's fine, if that person is never in the mood there's a different issue.

[@jasonmurphy6044]

Isn’t that a form of manipulation/weaponizing? To threaten divorce b/c she’s withdrawn as a result of being hurt, lost trust, built up resentment that’s set her over the edge, or any other issues she mentioned?

[@offairhead]

Sounds like YOUUUUU are weaponizing sex, using it as a divorce threat.

[@ridhamatri9447]

You go, boy!

[@ridhamatri9447]

Some women will be so "butthurt" by reading your comment 🤭

[@melkerner]

I have a saying - forced celibacy is not an act of love.

[@Kane.JimLahey.]

If this is happening to you it means ITS OVER!!!

[@jnmc-vx4fw]

Never cheat… if someone withholds sex, seek help or move on and that person does not love you

[@ridhamatri9447]

True.

[@needparalegal]

I cannot imagine. If a woman didn't want me I would leave.

[@chucklucas5326]

That's a lot easier said than done! Especially when there are children involved and the past 30 years of your life invested into the relationship. I'm currently experiencing some difficulty in this area but I'm not leaving!! She's free to go if that's what she wants but I'm staying in my damn house!

[@dawny369]

I thought it was all me. He has withheld from me A LOT by going to bed by himself when I thought we were going to bed to make love. He will start a fight over something insignificant and blow up, then I’m left with my head spinning. He accuses me of cheating, which I am not so I’ve been sleeping in another room for five months. He mentions wanting sex and I tell him I’ve been ready but you knock yourself out of it by being a jerk. I feel like I have no desire but I think it’s because he killed it. Your video was eye opening. I want connection, intimacy, and sex and I’m being deprived of all of it.

[@dawny369]

“You can’t have a dumpster fire on the outside and have hot, juicy sex on the inside”. Powerful!!

[@trashmail8]

First of all the very best wishes for 2024 Caitlin! 🎉 Your videos are great and you're sharing so many important insights with people all over the world. I hope that many will benefit from this in this new year! This is, once again, a very important topic and I particularly love how you point out the "awareness" bit. In so many situations, people do (or don't) say/do particular things purely because of (subconscious) patterns and or beliefs. E.g. If one person in a couple is withholding intimacy, it might even have nothing to do with the other partner at all, even though his person can be really affected by it. It might be a negative self-image, an unknown trauma, parental messages, etc. etc. And now that I'm writing a reply, I want to grab the opportunity and finish by saying that you totally rock that perfectly sculpted hair style. 👌🙂

[@CaitlinV]

Thank you and glad you liked the video :)

[@brianbrino4310]

Thank you sooo much for clarifying the important reasons for withholding sex between couples!love and light to you always!❤❤

[@michaelmaultsby895]

Done! If you have progressed through respect and trust, and into sex, then withholding is just wrong. It’s a part of the connection, not the most important, but important. If withholding is about control, then it’s over!

[@ElimEx1]

I view it as quality control. If you have a good relationship, then it happens. If you don't, they it most likely won't. It's a Key Performance Indicator lol

[@raymondgarcia2359]

Great video, thanks!

[@robertjames7869]

Oh wow!! You have NAILED all the issues I experienced in my last relationship. She came with a sack of demons from her past failed relationships so heavy that I'm surprised that her knees didn't buckle. Sex didn't happen for 9 months on her terms . Very narcissistic and cruel at the end. I walked away and I'm sure that she considers herself a victim

[@chulo6561]

I'm glad I've been with someone for almost 10 years and we still have the same routine. It didn't get boring or have to put in effort the was substantial. This was not an issue but I'm so grateful it isn't after seeing others complain.

[@JefferyChamberlin]

Thankyou, needed one

[@pgowthamster]

Caitlyn you're the best

[@EddietheBastard]

good breakdown of the toxic partner playbook - and yes, that's a playbook habitually used by both male and female.

[@dansemacabre6515]

A couple must allow for one or the other to not be in the mood, but prolonged withholding is trouble. If you're doing it, don't whine when your partner cheats. You caused it

[@ElimEx1]

I disagree. The answer is leaving, not cheating. There is no excuse to cheat on a spouse. But before leaving, there can be a conversation around consensual non monogamy. Then if the spouse refuses, just pack up and leave.

[@jnmc-vx4fw]

@@ElimEx1exactly

[@patrickplummer1027]

2024 is the year of Goddess Genius Angel Caitlin

[@CaitlinV]

Here here! Happy New Year to you!

[@ihategooglealot3741]

Love that you include both sexes as being at "fault" with the title did too. The popular conception that withholding is a female thing is unhelpful as it undermines women who want intimacy and provides a false narrative for women who withhold.

[@chucklucas5326]

It's 98% women who do this! I've never in my life even heard of a man withholding sex from his woman! It's a no brainier, women can get sex anytime anywhere they want!! Totally opposite for a man!! And that's international!!

[@lukylittle8642]

Thank you

[@tompatchak8706]

My ex wife did this. You pick an excuse she had it. You don’t need a “great” sexual relationship, just the intimacy.

[@sudeshlakhraj802]

Will appreciate if your videos had subtitles. Tnx

[@JacobCarlson-uq1my]

You are a absolute savior or hero or Goddess or something to me. Thank you thank you thank you incredibly beautiful woman!❤

[@donaldkilger511]

#7, psychological. Your partner has, for one reason or another, decided that they just do not want any kind of physical arousal or intercourse.

[@j.l.7325]

You are the koolest sex coach! Be great if you did a video on FWB open friends w/ benefits & how to make it succeed and how it can fail. Just an idea it would help thanks! You are awesome Caitlen !!!

[@scottneal2738]

Speak for yourself, I can live a full life if play time was just as fully active as it was when my partner and myself first got together.

[@ElimEx1]

Does stopping initiating considered withholding? I stopped initiating 5-6 years ago due to many many many issues and I just got fed up. Not sure she noticed yet...

[@williamgoss4691]

Great advice and suggestions, Thks ! 😊

[@matttaylor9791]

Happy new year! I have been married for 17 years and my wife has stop having sex wife the past 3 years! Has not be easy at all! Very frustrating or I go out do my own thing keep it of my mind!

[@ralmustafa9395]

niceeeeeeeeeeeeeee ... thanks

[@scottneal2738]

Okay emotional imbalance due to past tragic of the ex and now being thought as if current partner is the same after months to a year of being together. As well as medical issues that was at one point and fear of causing a medical problem even though being told that all is good and none of such activities will cause a reassurance of said medical issue.

[@user-hx1hx8px6i]

This is totally my ex-wife. Used the book, step by step guide to divorce your spouse and gain custody of your children.

[@melkerner]

No kissing, close body contact, no sex - for approaching 7 years.

[@CaitlinV]

That sounds really difficult, I'm sorry you're dealing with it. If you want help definitely apply for coaching so we can get a better understanding of what's going on.

[@chucklucas5326]

Dayum!! It's way past time to move on!!

[@deanwilson2689]

You just have a talk about it and open up your ears and listen to what each other without fighting

[@MS-yf9dw]

My wife is narcissistic. And she has been withholding sex (from me, at least)... I guess the love bombing phase is over, and now I'm in the discard phase.

[@ridhamatri9447]

Cheat on her.

[@MintChocoOreo]

Hi Caitlin, pretty random but I just wanted to wish you well 😊

[@CaitlinV]

Thank you!! 😊

[@user-yz6qj2oe6y]

I had a ex-girlfriend play, Georgia Satellite, keep your hands to yourself. So out the door I went.

[@Atem_S.]

Unless it's for a very valid reason, HELLL NO!!! I will dump her faster than she thinks... Every girlfriend I had I told them, don't even bother trying, you're going to lose!

[@chucklucas5326]

I admire your determination, just DON'T EVER get married!! Girlfriends will come and go, but when they get that piece of paper on you it's a lot more complicated than you can imagine!!

[@Atem_S.]

@@chucklucas5326 Never married to this day my man and would like one day. And for the piece of paper, you have to do your prep work..

[@ridhamatri9447]

Respect!

[@galensturupcomeau1242]

How does this interaction work out when your partner discovers their asexuality?

[@PCMenten]

Seems like if a guy isn’t getting sex from one woman, then he is free to get it from someone else, regardless of how anyone feels about it. Am I wrong about that?

[@XRP_NP]

Some call it withholding, some call it intimate partner abuse. Tomato tomahto.

[@offairhead]

👍🏻

[@tompatchak8706]

How’s about this one. Married for 17 years. I got a vasectomy about 10 years in. We had a boy and girl and didn’t want more kids. She told me “oh we will have so much more sex!!” Yeah no. 6 months went by and nothin. Just bullshit excuse after excuse. She’s a crazy ex now. I’m now remarried and we screw allllll the time

[@Snarge22]

The last ten years of my 31 year marriage was a dead bed. Add in too many other reasons and she's now my Ex. What a relief! My future? A requirement for reciprocity, and arm's length relationships (she won't be moving in). Withholding s*x in the future? Good by.

[@tompatchak8706]

Here too. The longest we went was like 7 months And that’s well after baby being born

[@bobbruce4135]

@@tompatchak8706 Once they snag you (baby, green card, house, etc) it's game over. There are only 3 zones: Friend (nothing). Hot lover (only about the bedroom, true passion). Beta Bux$ (marriage, family, etc.).

[@Snarge22]

@@tompatchak8706 Sad to say regarding the legal system these days, marriage for men is hugely disempowering. I've been watching some of these sex advice KZbin podcasts as I know I've overlooked some things that would have made some differences. (My ex is Manic/Depressive-Bipolar so there was no fixing that.) Anyway, one if the very simple but hugely overlooked aspect that I was rather unaware of was the real understanding that women need a long time to warm up. In fact, I'd say a full day in advance warm up. You might give that some thought in figuring out what will turn her on and get her brain going and excited. Men and women are different and guys have to recognize this to garner more success. Good luck!

[@clairme_5865]

Why is 'withholding' subconsciously being conflated with withholding CONsciously? Subconscious withholding is not withholding, -it's not being in the mood for whatever reason. Using the word 'withholding' implies intentionality, surely? The two have nothing to do with each other.

[@melkerner]

When not being in the mood turns into 6+ months to years, it's not a mood - it is a lifestyle choice.

[@clairme_5865]

​@@melkerner Length of time does not prove manipulation but probably does point to something fundamentally flawed in your relationship that desperately needs discussing with an open heart. Calling it a 'lifestyle choice' hints at closed off-ness in communication on at least your side if not hers as well.

[@jomorrow1]

That word salad sounds like trying to justify. If the “for whatever reason” is once in a while that’s one thing but if it’s used more and more often there may be something going on that requires more reflection

[@CaitlinV]

"For whatever reason" simply means you're not conscious of it yet, not that it's a completely different reason than if you have awareness. Usually it's done unconsciously.

[@tompatchak8706]

Oh that 6 one. The ex straight up

[@Randorf100]

and yes, the thing that stop me from been that was my x cheated at me I knew she was, and our sex life was gone I Couldn't look at her with any passion everything was gone I even couldn't sleep in the same bed with her.

[@dannyboi65fyren2]

The girl im dating is attracted to me in every way just not sexually, is that normal?

[@animefunboy505]

Well I will say my opinion and anyone feel free to correct me so listen if you think that he is the one and you absolutely trust him even if you don't feel like it give it a shot you don't have to go all the way for starters kiss if that goes well then try a bit of fondling if that also feels right then keep going little by little and don't forget communication is key now if you don't feel comfortable fondling then there could be lots of things for example maybe you just don't like sexual stuff and that's okay too as long as the partner is okay with you maybe you have hidden traumas that you need to address with an expert but ye my advice for starters is give it a shot and don't forget communication is key even if he is 100% into the moment but you don't feel right ask him politely to stop if he is the one he will understand and he patient so ye don't fall in the trap of not enjoying stuff and just doing it for him big mistake and it might ruin both of you I am saying all that because it happend to me and my girlfriend she said she wanted to give it a try I enjoyed it she seemed to kidna enjoying it but turns out she was faking and when we finished I was super happy but she burst into tears because she felt used and dirty we ended but taking it slowly and talking about it and things are going pretty well we are already 3 years together

[@williammccaw928]

Sounds like she wants to go down the friend path. Which to many times I think people mistake. Great friends to be their future lover. She is a really good friend

[@thesandero2454]

No. It is not. Maybe she is a sexual,but i wouldn't get involved with her. All it tells me she is trying to settle for you(The Nice Guy)while looking for a better option to have her back blown out by. Sorry dude,not trying to be harsh,but without the intimacy part,you are friends at best and i think she is friendzoning you for the time being. Never accept that. Have a honest conversation with her and make it cristal clear what your intentions are and make sure she have cristal clear answers. If not,let her go and move on. Never allow others try to play games or disrespect you

[@tarane409]

Some people are asexual and still want a romantic relationship but I should talk with her about it rather than assuming anything

[@tompatchak8706]

Heavy man. You might want to have a conversation with her about this

[@afanporsaber]

I'm guilty.

[@ollievw3450]

My wife has withheld sex all the time for the past seven years and it has seriously affected our relationship. I’m sick and tired of it and have started entertaining the idea to see prostitutes, which really doesn’t appeal to me, but what can one do. Tried talking, seeing therapists, nothing helps.

[@davidz3879]

What if she hands you a list, telling you to complete everything on it before you have a chance of sex?

[@brookeking8559]

Divorce. She’s a partner, not a boss.

[@CaitlinV]

This is good advice

[@happpyaf]

My fiance is amazing. I can literally wake her up at 330am when she has to work the next day and she'll thank me in the morning.

[@thesandero2454]

You're a very lucky guy. Treasure her,but never put her on a pedestal,otherwise it will go down the drain really fast.

[@happpyaf]

@thesandero2454 thanks for your comment. Been there for that and I agree.

[@Vankel83]

You're not married yet. After a couple years check back on what you wrote. It slips away from 5 or 6x a week. Down to a couple times a week. All the way down to once a weekend. Between kids, work, and stress. 33 years @ once a weekend.

[@thesandero2454]

@@Vankel83 Sadly that is mostly true. Married for 23 years,ones a week is average if i'm lucky.

[@happpyaf]

​@Vankel83 I imagine that'll be the case especially since I'm already 44yrs old

[@sf-ef1dw]

Wife is rude, maybe she had health issues, May be you confuse about this message but it is clear. instead of solving that, they simply fight to hide those problems, instead Solving with a loving husband. Husband is crazy for having sex but wife never allowed husband to express his desire and Excitement before her. Though do more house work including kitchen work and cooking. She made husband to felt guilty about his sex needs. Now the situation is so much worse that husband stop sex going near to wife because of her repeated behaviors. I understand you explain nicely, I was very crazy about sex but it became nightmare. Now they stay together but separate rooms. Ages in 65 plus now, but husband desire are still there but useless. Suggest me passed so many years

[@KrishnaSingh-rg4qk]

What

[@Mysteri0usMem0]

getting divorced because of this

[@chucklucas5326]

Good for you!! No one should have to put up with this level of bullshit!!

[@pm71241]

I'm surprised that the reason of no longer finding sex with your partner arousing in any way was not mentioned. I and don't just mean, that it becomes a bit less exiting after the initial horny period. It is possible to have a 8-9 year old relationship with a solid and fascinating sex life and then ... say... if your partner puts on so much weight that sex becomes an ergonomic challenge where the vibrator plays a bigger role than you ... just no longer find it arousing so you completely lose interest in it.

[@tompatchak8706]

Ergonomic challenge?

[@pm71241]

@@tompatchak8706 when people become too overweight, the physics of the whole thing change. Positions become impossible. And so on ...

[@tompatchak8706]

@@pm71241 ohhh I see. Like if I can’t see my penis past my gut.

[@CaitlinV]

I didn't name this because I think it's actually more likely one of the reasons I did name -- both the weight gain and the lose of attraction. They aren't issues themselves, more like symptoms of a bigger problem.

[@BCSchmerker]

+caitlinvictoriousx *As an autist whom the school systems o' the late-20th-Century United States failed due to immature resources, who also saw the disastrous effects o' controlled substances firsthand - but **_not_** before I played the fool o' Proverbs 7 - I'm dogged by Legalistic Perfectionism: I therefore always withhold sex from - ME.* Found Guilty of 3 counts adultery (I only found out after the fact that Other was separated but not divorced from an apparently abusive spouse somewhere in the Indian Subcontinent): The 3 STRIKES rule therefore applies as self-punishment for an alleged felony.

[@LarryTC2000]

Society should treat withholding sexual access while demanding monogamy the same way infidelity is treated. Months or even more than a year means you have an abusive roommate who refuses to let you see anyone else and not a partner.

[@bobbruce4135]

Truth. A ounce of cure (don't be a Beta Bux$) is worth more than a pound of cure. Problem is, only "Chads" can do that.

[@lazyturtle668]

Hell yeah!

[@clemintineorgasmface4019]

If I'm doing all the work. And I don't want to work. No sex.