Why Therapy Sucks For Men

[@loganwilcox4037]

I saw a therapist a few years ago after a family tragedy. We spent 90% of the therapy sessions talking about things like counterfeit Parmesan cheese, the Dynastic cycle of China, and the domestication of cats (which got pretty heated) At no point did we talk about my feelings. Turns out, at the end of the day, I needed a friend. He recognized the problem and never even shared my diagnosis. That man saved my life.

[@alfiand9269]

That's cool man, sometime the solution can be achieve in different perspective to how we look things. Hope things work out great for you!

[@nexusdrop7863]

I interpreted that differently. I had a similar situation: did not talk about feelings or things bothering me. The reason that happened was because I did not want to talk about it. At one point I said I was tired of helping people and got laughed at. Male therapist by the way. I'm not obligated to save people and when I said that I was told 'no' in the sense that I was wrong. I felt better not going. Women would rather a man die than fall of his white horse. Other men have been conditioned to preach fem*nist gospel like it is true (it is a man's job to save women). What men need is something we are being denied for a reason: teamwork. Years ago men could play sports can go do things with other men. Now we are told that is toxic and women NEED to be allowed. We need men's spaces. You got that in a small amount. Bright side is that there is a lot of support online and it is unstoppable.

[@Elwendryll]

I had a huge block due to anxiety on my final report to get my engineering degree. It lasted for like a year. I went to a therapist, after a few sessions, her conclusion was "First of all you need to complete your report", with a side of "maybe you just don't like your field". My school staff on the other hand, were extremely humane and accomodating, I went back to the campus for a month, and I had a counselor, she gave me very good practical advice on how to get writing, from someone who actually went through shit and really understood what was blocking me, I actually spent most of the time I had with her chatting about things and having fun instead of working on my report, but it lifted my spirits a lot, enough to actually get productive on my report when I was alone :) I graduated since and I love my job and it's going great :)

[@quor2243]

I have had therapist go the science route with things like EMDR. I have had basically a task master to try and help organize my life, and a therapist that just tries to be a friend. By far the most useful has been a friend.

[@michaelmacdonell4834]

I can understand a) the process, b) the outcome and c)the "domestication" of cats becoming a heated topic.

[@Musashi246]

I often say positive things to other men like "I'm so happy you finally found someone to be together with. You deserve it". The reaction is usually a stunned silence for a few seconds and then they are super happy to be talked to like a real human being with feelings. Every single one of them thanked me for it. Try it dudes

[@sirreginaldfishingtonxvii6149]

Yeah. It's unfortunately (apparently) not the norm. But I try to complement my mates, or generally tell them stuff I find important, and they do the same. It's a bit stiff sometimes, none of us are really that _good_ at it (even if we've gotten better with time). But we do all really appreciate it, and it's only been a positive. We don't _have_ to do what society tells us to do. We can learn to know our emotions better, we can learn to talk to people sincerely. Basically we can learn to be wiser people.

[@Musashi246]

Next time try going "Really dude? Thanks a lot, I really worked hard to do X." You'll make the other person feel a lot better too :) @WASDLeftClick

[@jorgeperez2872]

​@@sirreginaldfishingtonxvii6149and that's also great, you worked it up to it

[@khalilveronessi4819]

yeah i have been talked to like that, and i did talked to my friends like that, and yes, i was stuned, and they were stuned, but it felt good.

[@Stichting_NoFa-p]

A few anecdotes of giving a positive response back at a positive comment isn't the same as psychotherapy on average having a positive outcome.

[@Galvvy]

I have seen two male therapists (I am a dude.) One was a veteran and mostly dealt with dudes with PTSD. I felt guilty in his presence like I didn't even deserve to be there compared to the people he had dealt with. Best therapist I ever saw. The other therapist was a lifelong therapist who was very argumentative and wanted to second guess or question every statement I made, it was like walking into a brick wall I couldn't stand him more than a month because I was feeling even worse internally. I can definitely say the best way men can help men is through relation of experience, not language games.

[@Nerobyrne]

Yeah PTSD can be a rather controversial topic. Because we first discovered it in WW1 veterans, many people think it's an insult to veterans when people say that they got it from something seemingly harmless in comparison. But, your brain doesn't know that being at war is worse than getting bullied on Twitter, and it's all about how your brain perceives things.

[@velvetbees]

I think some times you need to shop around for the best therapist. When you are uncertain about life choices, or have been abused, or may be going through a divorce, or have self esteem issues, these are not small things. They are important, and should be treated with respect. Finding somebody compatible might take time. One time a therapist tried to shame me and scold me. I fired them on the spot and let their boss know why. Turns out they were fresh out of college. I would rather have someone with proven experience.

[@alexia3552]

Duuuude, that attitude of questioning everything you say. Like hi, my dysfunctional upbringing had me trying to find and express a justification for everything I did and every emotion I had like I was a criminal on the stand. Wtaf do therapists think they’re accomplishing by acting like dysfunctional toxic parents?

[@Oatmilk345]

Hearing people tell their stories who have gone through a similar situation to myself and gotten out of it successfully really helps, the relation of their experiences makes me feel very hopeful as I know it’s possible because they’ve done it.

[@dvornikovalexei]

I have experience with the 2nd kind. I didn't like him, but he was somewhat helpful. As someone who always 2nd guesses myself, atleast some other dude was doing it for me😂

[@ZykTheMage]

"If you're a man, emotion is a problem to be solved. Not to be talked about." This right here is the absolute point.

[@AndreiBostina-h4w]

How tf do you solve it without talking about it? Seriously, people need to start thinking before speaking. “Just be more positive.” Why , I am cured! Because just telling myself that I am happy works!

[@vgrants1717]

@@AndreiBostina-h4wThere are many ways to solve a problem. For example, bottling it up, having a “rest” day (eg go out fishing), any addiction, depression, or working out. Talking about it is only one way to solve it, and it’s hit or miss. The “hit” works slightly better than all the other solutions whereas the “miss” makes everything way worse. Think of it this way, would you rather get $100 right now, or a 50/50 for $250 or you lose $100. Oh, and you have $8 in your bank account right now.

[@VagnerCastro]

@@ZykTheMage that's it, case dismissed...

[@tamayo4186]

@@AndreiBostina-h4w doesn’t work that way

[@AndreiBostina-h4w]

@@tamayo4186 i was being sarcastic

[@mcparks1968]

As a man who unfortunately married a covert vulnerable narcissist, when we went to therapy, there was a VERY strong bias to listen to her as she demonized me and when I was struggling to express effectively my inner feelings and cognitive dissonance, I rarely got a full sentence out without being interrupted by either the therapist or my ex. After about 3 months, I finally asked for a private call with the therapist, I discussed what I was noticing and how it was affecting me, and there became a marked difference in the therapy style after that. About two months later, the therapist sat down with me, and confirmed my assessment and suggested I begin working on an exit plan and a safety plan. I'm now divorced, much happier, and seeing the same therapist to rebuild my inner self esteem.

[@histkontext]

it took 3 months and your direct contacting the therapist for her to realize she is doing something wrong... sheesh i hope she gave you back your money for the lost guarter of a year. Glad you are doing okay now.

[@che4840]

how do you identify that she is a covert narcissist? Sometimes I’m confused, that people just have misunderstandings and need to gain clarity. But other times, covert narcissists are so obvious because they are so full of blame and all they can say is how terrible of a human we are and how everything we do is wrong. Everything they say or do is to cause harm and to weirdly control the power dynamic so they gain some weird authority over us. The latter is really obvious, but sometimes they can hide it well when you don’t know them well yet.

[@Voyant]

King!

[@lars7747]

@@histkontext If narcissist werent so good at manipulating and getting people on their side they wouldnt be running companies and among the most succesfull billionaires in the world.

[@briananderson8428]

@@histkontext I disagree. It takes time and several sessions for therapists to consider and settle on a diagnosis, and this is often far more difficult in a couples therapy setting. The fact that this therapist was able to take in what her patient was seeing and saying, make changes to accommodate him, and finally directly advise her male patient about the wife's personality disorder and how it could be unsafe for her male patient speaks volumes about the therapist's high competence. And she continues to work with the ex-husband. All in all, I'd say he is definitely getting his proverbial "money's worth."

[@RedHeadKevin]

I went to couples counseling once in my early 30s. I didn't feel like I was ready for marriage, she did. The counselor told me "just get married. You can always get divorced." That was the last time I went.

[@lizarr7176]

Hoooooly shit dude, yikes

[@ИгошинНикита]

>"just get married. You can always get divorced." ...and get fucked in the process of divorce, last time I heard.

[@TheLifeLaVita]

@@ИгошинНикита marrying just because you can divorce is like one of the worst reason to a marriage I've heard given to someone ahahaha

[@lyianx]

@@ИгошинНикита oh thats more true now than ever. Marriage is a HUGE risk for men, and not really a risk for women. When a contract (which a Marriage is) *rewards* one party for breaking that contract, then its a terrible contract. There are so very FEW reasons why a man should ever get married, and Love is NOT at all one of them. Love and Marriage have absolutely NOTHING to do with each other. Anyone who believes otherwise is delusional and has been conditioned to believe that.

[@scottgrohs5940]

“And get half your stuff stolen and half your wages garnished as an outcome of the divorce.”

[@robpolaris7272]

I went to three therapists with my now ex wife. After the first two said she was doing something wrong we suddenly “needed a new therapist”. As soon as she found a therapist that blamed me for everything it was suddenly the right one. I was willing to accept we were both needed to work on things. So shockingly it didn’t work out. I’m much happier now. I’m not saying it was all her fault, but if you refuse any responsibility you can’t make progress.

[@elsentidocomun71]

Good for you, man. The ability to be accountable to one's actions is a non-negotiable trait to look for in a partner. Wish you the best

[@schorsefish]

Are you me?😂 my ex-wife felt attacked by therapists who wouldn’t just blame everything on me.

[@trolleriffic]

@aerofight5994 I've noticed the same thing. I can tell a guy friend that I think he was in the wrong in a situation and generally it's accepted as the PoV of a friend trying to help. Do the same with a woman friend and it's far more likely that they'll react badly because nothing in that situation was their fault (according to them). These are general rules and there are exceptions, but these behaviours seem pretty typical.

[@zmusicman1965]

lol, pretty much the same response I’ve seen over and over. No woman is ever wrong, ever. Even when called out by professionals.

[@cinnamontoast1586]

This whole comment thread is something thats been bothering me for years. Yes, women do act like this, but what i can do about it? Is there any strategies to deal with it? Or do I just change partner everytime i get sick of that holier than thou always in the right act? Maybe it's just that some women are this way? Maybe it's not about sex at all, but rather a narcissistic trait?

[@blueblaze7312]

A man: *bottles up their emotions* World: "Find someone to talk to about your emotions" Man: *finds someone to talk about their emotions* World: "Aren't you supposed to be the tough guy?"

[@Armoured-Pizza-Carrier]

"Don’t worry we don’t mind if you cry" -Cries "Ew"

[@Flesh_Wizard]

"you should express your emotions more" *emotion is negative* "please stop, you're making me feel unsafe"

[@cladoselache8766]

Men made that standard jsyk

[@hellow_artehere]

This is why we need to change the world

[@ShaunBlacksmith-z3y]

Psychologist : ' cmon stop being a drama queen rn ' Thats those "wrong fit" therapist😂..

[@Outrack]

A friend of mine picked up on the difficulty I had managing heavy PTSD following years of varying trauma, and told me that it was tragic how men feel the need to keep their emotions bottled up. She ended the conversation by saying that if ever wanted to talk to her, she'd be willing to be there for me to listen if I felt it would help - and so a week later I took her up on that offer, and barely after I got through the first sentence she claimed that no one would want to be with a man that can't be seen as emotionally stable and dependable and that I was being "unfair" to burden her. Of course, I fully understand that we all have our own challenges to contend with and it can be overwhelming to take on more than we can handle. The problem lies with the inherently dishonest position that's become far too common where others will signal the availability of support and act on what they believe *should* be true, only to default when confronted to the usual societal expectation of wanting you to "man up". It's immensely harmful and it would be far better to just not be available at all, than to offer a shoulder and then recant when your feelings are suddenly inconvenient to deal with. It's unfortunate that I feel I have to justify my need for support, but just to drive the point home - this was a few months after I lost my mom to cancer. She was the last surviving member of my immediate family, and the only one I hadn't lost to unnatural circumstances (murders and accidents). I was blessed to have had a wonderful and very supportive family, and this was the first time in my life that I was truly alone with no one to turn to. Over time, I closed myself off emotionally which caused my then-girlfriend to have several mental breakdowns as she felt I was no longer communicating with her. I expressed that I felt like I couldn't open up as I would only be waved off to seek therapy rather than have someone actually listen to me, and after multiple assurances I finally relented... And, of course, I was again told to go to therapy. There's an old cliché about how people seek out therapy when what they truly need is a friend - but where do you go when all your friends tell you to get therapy? *EDIT:* I didn't expect this to pick up the way it did and figured I'd just be venting frustrations into the void, oops. I was particularly cynical when posting and I'm in a much better place now, though I still deeply appreciate all of the supportive comments. Having said that, it's disheartening seeing so many comments expressing relatable feelings and I'm not sure how to feel about finding a sense of solidarity in similar emotional isolation. If you're reading this and feel like you have no one to turn to for support, please feel free to send me a friend request on Discord (@outrack). Even if it's just to hear a few positive and encouraging words from a sincere and understanding place - I may not know you, but I do know that I don't want you to feel the way that you do.

[@xZanthophyll]

man that's kinda harsh, as a female btw. I felt like why are those who are willingly to open up would be discouraged once trying to do it, especially males like I'm very close to guy friends and i noticed that they barely open up with anyone. I wanted to say that you shouldn't bottle up your emotions but i understand that it is almost friggen impossible cus who to open up to? how to open up when nobody is going initiate support, well I believe they try to, but instead of listening they give advice when they hadn't been in the shoes before (maybe they did but forgot how it felt), and the advice ended up exacerbating the situation. To not get labeled a societal role is almost inevitable, and I think it's unfair if guys had to be strong for a woman, if that's what she's trying to deliver. Bro I hope everything went on better for you sooner or later.

[@MeanBeanComedy]

Only fellow dudes care.

[@BradleyCTurner]

@@MeanBeanComedy even thats a stretch, most of the time its made into a joke and laughed off, many say they care but everyone has their own thing and noone wants to be a burden/have more things to worry about.

[@sidraket]

@@BradleyCTurner Its difficult because almost all men are traumatized by this, and those struggling to repress it have their stability compromised by people trying to express it.

[@Oatmilk345]

I care man, a lot of people care it’s just hard to find them unfortunately but they are out their. I hope life gets better for you brother we’re all humans and we shouldn’t feel guilt for having very natural emotions.

[@WalkerTheSpy]

As a teen I had a woman therapist. I went to her for 4 years and made no progress. I later switched to a guy named Greg (older guy, close to retirement), and made massive progress in two weeks. He completely understood what was going on and knew how to help right away. Sadly he retired shortly after switching to him and I have yet to meet anyone like him.

[@professional.commentator]

I think it was because he was close to retirement that let him speak his mind and just gave you all the answers you needed. Because if he was younger and not close to retirement, I bet he would try to keep you around as long as possible and not be much help either. Obviously I could be wrong, but that's the way I see it.

[@spicyginger4289]

@@professional.commentator He also had many years of experience under his belt

[@J-sv9dp]

Many women experience the same problems in therapy - a lot of the time, they have had difficulty with feminine social expectations, so when a female therapist tries to “help” her to adjust, the client merely becomes even more trapped by the societal expectations that caused her to seek therapy in the first place… I agree that female therapists often struggle to understand what their male clients need, but I would argue that this is true of many of their female clients too. Meanwhile, male therapists are sometimes good with male clients but, due to their own expectations, fail to recognise those women who require the same treatment, instead adjusting their methods “for women” which may not actually suit her… People are diverse and “feminine” therapy is not universally good for all women.

[@nachobroryan8824]

That's why people should switch therapists if it's not working.

[@mjordan812]

@@professional.commentator Nah - as you get older your social filters erode and become very thin (and sometimes disappear entirely) and you tend to distill things down to their essence.

[@lizardjoel]

I went to therapy at college for getting sexually assaulted when I was a kid and because it was SA related they send you to a local SA therapy clinic where they specialize on it for free thankfully :) Parts of it helped but overall it was a negative experience not thanks to the place itself but because in the waiting room for my person sometimes I would be sitting there in a corner waiting and women would come in and loudly ask the reception lady "Are men even allowed in here?" and shit like that. I understand they have trauma and that sucks and is fair but I got mine from a woman so it would be shitty for me to ask the same thing about them.

[@KakhsXe]

That’s fucked up man, I hope your doing alright now

[@EnverHalilHoxha1917]

Nah fam it aint understandable. If they got a trauma by being sa'd by a black dude would they say are black people allowed here? No trauma is excuse for sexism in any way.

[@wordzmyth]

I'm sorry that SA happened that is always terrible. and the biased treatment was so unfair when you were being so brave happened to you. None of that was ok A woman from Aotearoa New Zealand

[@lizardjoel]

@@KakhsXe thanks doing a lot better I focused on building a good body to make up for high nervousness around women so rn I have been waiting and letting them flirt with me and I got asked out at work last week so hopefully I'll have a date and see if she is a good partner or not the best match and if it ends up getting canceled all good

[@lizardjoel]

@@wordzmyth Thank you! New Zealand is dope kiwis are the best fruit

[@SGMPAndre]

This video has made me insight so much as a man. I'm 26 and just tried therapy for the first time and didn't really like it. My therapist was asking "how do you feel" every time and kept being silent for the majority of the session. I did 10 sessions with her and wasn't feeling like it was working. This video got recommended to me exactly days after i cancelled my treatment and was not really enthusiastic about trying other professional. Almost everything that you mentioned in this video applied to me and i'm astonished. It really shifted my perspective about therapy. I'm definetly gonna apply these tips to a new therapist on the first session already! Thank you so much!

[@St4rTr3v1Ut10n]

Therapy is a scam. They're only going to tell you you're not good enough, to "be a better communicator," whatever the fuck that means. At the end of the day, you can use all the pretty $2 words you want to explain yourself, people will just insert whatever they think about what you said

[@polish2x91]

I'm a 50 year old male, and I have been trying to articulate this for the last 20 years as my friends have gone to couples therapy, become resentful, and ended in divorce.

[@ImCelticlol]

Let them alone; they are blind guides. And if the blind lead the blind, both will fall into a pit - mat 15:14

[@klixxalot]

Truth. If you are at the couples therapy stage, save your money for a better divorce attorney. I know 3 couples that tried it, and they all divorced.

[@joshs3229]

I can't imagine couples therapy working if you're in the room at the same time or the therapist sharing how the other feels. Seems like it would just give her more ammo.

[@inquisitionagent9052]

Never works out. Its a grift. Hell the couples therapist admit that they're running a grift

[@Dreadkrisz]

I heard it often becames 2v1 againts man. I know a guy that used to go with his exwife.

[@Quixote3]

Even being an articulate man is hard because people just don’t care. My mom often says her regret isn’t raising us to be emotionally healthy people, but raising us in an emotionally sick world.

[@geofox9484]

Who really cares if a male over 25 is feeling depressed? Like genuinely no one fucking cares once you get past that point in life

[@DellikkilleD]

@@geofox9484 25? try 12.

[@diplomatamaravilhosa2813]

Pretty sure your partner/family/loved ones do care and in the end of the day that’s all that matters

[@fel524]

careful, the edge is coming out@@geofox9484

[@SentinelRoboguard]

​@@geofox9484the older you get the less society as a whole cares if you're alive or dead

[@Ryuondo]

I wont lie, when I'm with my friends and they need to vent about anything, I'm there for them. As men, I know a lot of us are afraid our feelings will be weaponized against us by the people we confide in. I let them know that I will never do that. I would sooner die than betray their confidence.

[@jordanstark5924]

That's actually a good way of putting it

[@crweirdo8961]

That's awesome, but I think this kind of friendship can be rare outside of churches, support groups, and groups of gay men🙄 at least that's my experience🤷‍♂️

[@PivotGrowth]

@@crweirdo8961 weird

[@Ryuondo]

@@PivotGrowth is it really that wierd? I've got several good friends that were suicidal in the past that, luckily, survived their attempts. I've lost one of my cousins and close family friend to suicide. It's not wierd. In my experience, it's direly needed for men to have someone they can reliably talk to about important or embarrassing matters that won't turn their preceived weaknesses into weapons to be used againat them.

[@MedResVampire]

Good man. I do something similar, I'm always there for anyone. I make a cup of tea and just listen and talk with them. When I need help that's where I struggle. I mask it and just retreat into the mountains either on a hike or work out (I took up fencing recently so I practice my sword drills for hours on end)

[@fngrusty42]

Yep , im 70 . My dad killed himself when i was 10. Could have used help then. When i was 40, I got hurt really bad and never got away from pain . So, I went to see a dr about pain therapy. When he found out about my dad killing himself. That's all he wanted to talk about, not the real pain. So, I went twice and never went back. Living a great life that had really hard times. Have children and grandchildren. Talked to another dr. He gave me a few books to read. They helped. Read, learn, dont stop learning

[@HalfwayHikes]

This is accurate. I tried therapy twice. Both times for serious life altering depressive situations. Both times were awful and a waste of time. I felt dismissed and not listened to. The reason men are there is because they want to solve the issue, but don’t know how. By the time a man is in the therapist office, they’ve tried to fix the problem on their own already, but failed. We finally realized we don’t have the “tools” so to speak and we go to the supposed expert to find out how to deal with our issue. The absolute worst case is to get there and to be dismissed. In the end I just had to solve my own depression. Unfortunately, a lot of men don’t figure it out in time.

[@rohanjarande]

Exactly.

[@bootleg6477]

I was a preteen, like 11. I was told I was lazy and wasting the guys time because I wouldn't open up about my severe bullying. Never again.

[@ians_mind]

On and off over the past decade and literally none of it actually helped address the root issues I already knew were the issues and straight asked for help with. 🤦‍♂️ I know I'm being medicated bc therapy is failing me, but it works better than the failure -.-;

[@DellikkilleD]

This. I remember having my therapist tell me 'You dont really seem depressed, here just say these affirmations in the mirror each day' In response to me trying to explain how much I wanted to die, but hadnt offed myself because I have people that depend on me. Yeah, telling yourself 'You matter' doesnt really cut it

[@ImCelticlol]

you said it all.

[@Dark2857]

I went to see a therapist once or twice and after the 3rd visit I realized she was constantly gaslighting me and I had proof of it, so I told her straight up "It's clear to me you never had any intentions to help me so why don't you go screw yourself because I wont be back", after that I went camping in the woods for a few weeks and that did me more good than ANY therapist ever could, being alone and in nature...nothing better. Edit: Initially I wasn't going to share this part of the story but I figure, cat's already out of the bag so why not? When I got back I reported my experience to the authorities and at first nothing happened only to find out about a week or so later her license was taken away turns out they had complaints from males practically a mile long...just goes to show you, your past will always come back to bite you given enough time.

[@Nerobyrne]

This is why reporting is ALWAYS a good idea if you can manage it mentally. Because even if your report doesn't cause them to get removed, it gets added on a pile, and eventually, that pile gets big enough.

[@shaun4655]

Sorry that happened to you. I haven't had negative experiences with therapists, but I can attest to the benefit of spending time outdoors. I ended up going into a line of work that spends a lot of time in nature and my mental health has never been better.

[@alienkishorekumar]

😂😂😂😂 Love what you did there

[@alexia3552]

Jeeeez, that’s insanely damaging when therapists are abusive. You trusted them to have your back and show you compassion and care in your most vulnerable moments. Talk about an expeditious way to break someone’s trust. I hope that respectful and compassionate people come into your life, you deserve to be cherished!

[@deshrektives]

You’re not alone. Thanks for sharing.

[@sord444]

I saw a therapist once, explained family issues I was dealing with. After everything, they said, “so why are you the one that’s here?” Followed by a dismissive “so… do you want another session?” Had to just flat out say “Not with you”. That lady had no idea how to work with men I’m guessing, unfortunately she put me off to the idea of therapy entirely.

[@oneexclamationmark]

Oof. I can only imagine how shitty it must feel. But try not to give up on therapy, my friend, it can really improve your quality of life.

[@zr_1234]

LOL. She was empathizing with you not the other way around. She's saying your family is fucked up. It wasn't meant to be mean.

[@sord444]

@@zr_1234 ​​⁠I understand that, but I can’t change other people. Figured she would want to work on coping skills or something at least, instead of basically saying “that sucks, are we done yet?”

[@the_expidition427]

@@zr_1234 It was done in a very twisted method

[@EvilLoynis]

@@zr_1234 please remember that therapists are supposed to be the ones who are trained to use their words and tones better, not the ones seeking help. Putting the onus on the one seeking help is never really the right thing that early unless it's part of a plan you have discussed with them.

[@Akotski-ys9rr]

Guys love to hug. No matter how tough you are every dude appreciates the fuck out of a hug

[@lohwentao707]

Resonate with this so much...

[@Arian_471]

Had one friend during highschool who loved to give hugs, each time our group went out, her way to say goodbye was a big hug. I feel that, were It not for her, and another friend who would take time to listen to me, I wouldn't have gotten out of that pit I was in back then.

[@Flesh_Wizard]

Especially the big blokes. They give the best bro hugs

[@_AnCub_]

No, this won't work for everyone I really hate when someone accidentally touches me or want to give me a hug

[@Plasmafox]

IDK when I was a kid hugs were obligatory and most of the other touch I got was violent. I still hug "when it's expected" and derive no enjoyment from it. It's something other people do with my body so they can feel better

[@one_million_hamsters]

I went to a therapist and unloaded some traumatic experiences from my childhood. Alot of it has left me with anxiety over the years. He said "I don't see what the big deal is" and billed me for $275 Never again

[@Kaostico]

I went to a therapist for a year and some more and I she somehow unlocked some terrible repressed memories that may or may not explain some of my problems. I always joke with my wife and also with my sister that the therapist not only didn't help me with a lot of my problems at the time, but also screwed me over with some movie-tier repressed memories bullshit. Keep your chin up, my dude. We will all get there someday. And don't bundle all therapists together. There must be some that can help you!

[@Yellowpikachu1]

Bruh. That guy better get fired

[@SunbleachedAngel]

JESUS

[@franze4]

therapists in usa🤡anyone can literally be anything you just need a piece of paper

[@franze4]

one of the therapists i had was a whole b!4tch, screaming and VERY CLEARLY trying to manipulate me😂i mean i have a weak mind in a sense but im not a ₽€ÑĐ£JØ like that…it was one of those where you go with your parents and almost every time we ended up in an argument, she and this “doctor💀” wanted to diagnose me with bipolar disorder because i said pills made me feel nauseous and i didn’t want to take any more, and maybe i am bipolar idfk i never got diagnosed like that but if i am it’s definitely not because of pills💀and when she said that i laughed and looked towards my parents, i kid you not they were like “he’s seeing things, he’s delusional too” or idk some diagnosis that made me sound schizophrenic. that’s when i knew i 2000% couldnt take them seriously at all🤣i dont believe in wtv their qualifications may have been, i should repay them a visit and break a window or something for playing with people’s emotions like that

[@MadMage86]

My personal experience with therapists has been pretty negative mostly for the reasons you pointed out, but with one major difference: I have always been VERY self aware to the point that even therapists and psychiatrists have commented on my ability to communicate my feelings and reactions. This has never been an issue for me; I know how I feel about certain things. My issue is that therapists aren't clear about what they're offering: I came looking for solutions, not introspection. And all most want to offer is introspection. I know how I am feeling, I know WHY I am feeling this way - I just want a way to *MANAGE* these emotions that isn't destructive, and therapists very specifically go out of their way to not offer solutions. I have literally even worked at a mental health clinic and noticed that the communication between patients and providers about what exactly the goals or even the nature of their visits are is almost intentionally obscure; they aren't willing to tell you they're not offering solutions so when men *DO* show up looking specifically for solutions we wind up feeling like we were wasting our time being led on.

[@mujtabaalam5907]

Have you tried a life coach? Or a CBT/DBT focused therapist?

[@MadMage86]

@@mujtabaalam5907 I did try CBT for a bit then the therapist left and finding CBT therapists in my area is actually oddly difficult. What I found works best is walking away when I get worked up and talking to a 3rd party about the situation to check if I am overreacting. The difficulty there is that I don't have a lot of people I am close with that I can talk to.

[@rustycstick7370]

DUDE, you hit the nail on the head, I couldn't have put it into better words myself. Also, I fuck w/ the pfp, that exact picture used to be my Steam pfp for a long while.🐧

[@josiahdenney]

I ain't readin allat

[@Rithmy]

The problem here is that real growtrh comes from within. In many situation it wont do it to simply do X or Y. You are the expert for your life. There are so many things they dont see, so they offer input. The bigger Problem is that they failed to identify the core problem.

[@MrBones105]

I probably shouldn’t say this but as a psychotherapist (and man) myself, I think one of the largest issues that isn’t talked about in the world of therapy is that there is a bias - theoretically, and practically - that negatively impacts men. I can’t tell you how many female therapists I’ve spoken with who have a negative view of working with men, but don’t see how feeling that way could possibly impact working with said men. Either they straight up don’t work with them, or they speak very negatively about men and their issues. Women have legitimate emotional problems, but men are “resistant to treatment” or their problems are “toxic masculinity”. What I’ve found though is that men just need people to work differently with them, and that’s ok. But I think there are many therapists who can’t see that, or don’t want to, because it’s incongruous with their worldview.

[@magisterobscura8632]

Yeah, men really shouldn't see female therapists. At least here in the US they don't really empathize with us anymore.

[@Rainsoakedcoat]

Earlier in life, it'd often take me weeks to months to feel comfortable talking about my abuse with a therapist. The problem was, I was a big strong guy (even as a teenager), and my abuser was a woman. She'd use weapons (got stabbed, burnt, beaten) and sometimes she would self-harm then call the cops if the physical abuse wasn't getting the impact she wanted (I learned to take a beating). It was pretty bad. What stopped the worst of the abuse is I made it clear- if I was accused of a crime, I would do it before the cops showed up. Thankfully I never really had to do more than threaten- but made it clear (in therapy) I would fight my abuser if it was pushed to that. Out of the many therapists I've had over 20 years... I'd say about 80% of the women would after knowing me for months, diving into all these problems, all these issues- when this finally came up, they'd just have this look. They'd stare. Like they were looking at a piece of garbage. Like you would regard a child molester. Once I got that look, I'd just stop scheduling and give up on therapy for a year or two. I eventually just gave up on female therapists entirely which makes it near impossible here to find one. It's not just a 'bias', there's tons of genuine misandrists who are hijacking psychology. In no world would a woman be treated in a similar way to a male victim.

[@QMS9224]

@@Rainsoakedcoat “tons of misandrists hijacking psychology” not only that, but then to have the audacity to complain that men don’t go to therapy enough. Like you made it not a safe space for men, it’s there for women to complain about men…

[@vivvpprof]

@@Rainsoakedcoat "there's tons of genuine misandrists who are hijacking psychology." 💯 precisely

[@etsequentia6765]

@@Rainsoakedcoat I hope you're doing better. I've read countless men's testimonies like yours over the years, mainly on YT comment sections. I know exactly what you mean (not from personal experience). Still, everyone enthusiastically tries to pretend this isn't happening, or find excuses for the female perpetrator, or blame the male victim.

[@DanYHKim2]

In marriage counseling I gave the impression of not 'trying hard enough', or not 'making an effort'. But part of the problem was that at the end of the session, I was driving back to WORK. I was expected to return from my appointment and resume working. I was to be alert and engaged and focused. Naturally I had to hold back in session. I could not return to my workstation and break down crying. I could not operate machinery in an unstable emotional state. I would be a danger to myself and to my coworkers! And so I had to keep a lot of my resources in reserve, and avoid addressing topics that would be upsetting.

[@DashzRight]

You did the right choice, even smarter would be to toss these stupid sessions if they are not helping you out.

[@srkstik__]

was your wife's situation different?

[@357Dejavu]

As I young man I went though a fairly traumatic event and was sent to therapy. It took several therapists before I found one that helped. Rather that talk in the office we would go for walks. After I graduated I still kept in contact. I feel that he saved my life and he is a major part of the reason I am a Therapist today.

[@leprechaun3677]

Thanks for sharing and thank you for your service! After reading these comments, and hearing from this therapist himself, it makes me sad how people have such poor experiences with therapy. I had a very similar experience to you, and am sitting here thinking how I would love to be a therapist just to give back what I had gotten out of it. Unfortunately, 2 years of student loans for an LSW does not sound appealing.

[@357Dejavu]

@@leprechaun3677 just to clarify, I did not serve in the armed forces. My career as a therapist is my way of giving back and I love that you feel that calling to. You don’t have to be a licensed therapist to do what I do. Some of the best therapists I know are bar tenders and Uber drivers. Thanks for the comment!

[@kyze8284]

I have a friend that actually had a judge appointed therapist for a bit, and little walks and drives and meals together was actually all they did. No office or couch sit downs or anything. Turns out it was all therapy and psychoanalysis for the courts The dude was basically cleared of everything because he wasn’t abusive, it was entirely a PTSD reaction that was actually withdrawal and not lashing out physically or even verbally to any and all triggering stimuli. His girlfriend at the time was just clumsy but wanted the attention She unfortunately wasn’t charged but he thankfully was cleared of everything and even got a therapist that specialized in PTSD in that walk and talk formula to boot and is doing much better mentally and physically

[@Sapwolf]

Good comment. I remember when I had a tough few weeks in high school, and a walk with a MALE advisor talking was all I needed. Also, giving me a sharp word to get off my *ss and get to work, or stop complaining and start solving, and the big one...listen more.

[@LawnPygmy]

@@357Dejavu As someone who did serve in the armed forces, thank you for your service. Therapy is an infinitely more valuable service than the one I provided.

[@AceOfShamrock]

I went to a doctor when i was a younger man, to talk about unwanted touching i received as a kid from an older women. I remember spwcifically doing my own research because i was too embarassed to ask for help from my parents because i couldnt talk to them about what happened to me. First time i was able to open up about what i was going through i was so shaken that i wanted to throw up and the response i got was "well as a young man it couldnt have been that bad". That broke me more than anything did. That took me to the lowest point in my life. Ive never gone back to talk to anyone about this because growing up aince then i really felt like that the only person who would ever be there for me, is myself.

[@tomparke2407]

Holy shit that’s awful. I hope you’ve found a way to come to terms with it.

[@wormoe2013]

I totally understand where you come from, had a similar problem but never spoke about it for fear of that exact result. The way that I have dealt with it is to simply never let anybody know, it acts like acid and destroys you from the inside out. I can say seek help even though I fear that same help.

[@HesGotaGun505]

Therapists are scumbags- never forget that.

[@misspat7555]

I can’t like this, but I can say that this person’s reaction was horrific, your feelings are 100% valid, and what was done to you was not okay and just as exploitive as a grown man touching a underage girl (or boy) in that fashion. It was not your fault; a crime was committed against you by someone plenty old enough to know better! 😡

[@Maladjester]

I'm sorry that happened to you. I've got trust issues myself from negative experiences. Unfortunately the closest to a so-called healthy perspective I've been able to reconcile with the real world is that the most valuable lesson a man can learn isn't that he should work hard or take responsibility, but rather that all his feelings and experiences will always be a joke to everyone else.

[@mclaren911]

I was told as a child "why are you crying? You shouldnt be crying. You shouldnt be feeling this way." I now have some difficulty articulating how I feel because I've learned to shut down my feelings to keep the peace and not express my needs, hence not being a 'burden'. It's led to people pleasing too. Thanks for pointing out why therapy for men is not the greatest. I really value your logical step by step guide to help my anxiety. Your rational and logical reasoning resonates with me ALOT.

[@Leonhart_93]

In my case I don't even want to articulate it. It feels like I am complaining and I pretty much know no one will care to offer me a solution. I don't want to be heard, I want solutions.

[@ArThur_hara]

​@@Leonhart_93Are we clones because it is exactly the way I feel. I guess you had mental issues and you parents wouldn't believe you so at some point you started wondering if you are not just acting your mental issues to be lazy or something. And now everytime you share it to someone when you look at their facial expressions you feel like they are thinking "ROH he's complaining again". And maybe some ppl you trusted and believed you could talk to were very unsupportive giving you the "you think you're the only one who has issues" card. Did I get it right? 😒

[@eye-chan1711]

I was told that my crying was because I ate soy… and not because my mom was yelling at me. We still ate soy though.

[@zynix3698]

I was always told whenever something went wrong "you'll live", was expected to keep my mouth shut at all times, and looking hurt or sad will make my father very angry.

[@mirnacadena6640]

I was told also that when I was a little girl, but I believe the thing that help was that I find a way to express those feelings with my friends (mostly females). It's still hard sometimes, and when I want to cry my first reaction is still to suppress that emotion but I'm glad that I found people that help me to cope with it. I hope you find people around you that understands that crying is a natural thing and sometimes even beautifull❤

[@nameunknown5106]

I just realized... All those years growing up trying to express my feelings to my parents because of my failure to achieve at school was always countered with what I should do. I told them through tears, "Do you think I haven't considered that? Do you think I don't want to do that? I want to but I can't". I've never had a good place to express feelings so I've gotten really bad at it. I'd like to describe myself as very analytical, I enjoy math and science and would be able to do well in those classes, but when I had to do things like homework I could never make myself do it. Part of it was a thought process in my head that I already spent 7-8 hours at school so why should they make me do more at home, but I still saw the need to do it. I needed to get better grades to succeed in life and get a good job that I liked. No college would enroll me with a low GPA. I eventually got a bit better and was able to do some of my homework while at school, but the.... hesitancy remained. I couldn't understand why it was so hard for me to just do it and frankly I still can't.

[@GerardoGarciaMedina]

@@nameunknown5106 You probably intelectualize your feelings.

[@malumnexus7919]

A large part of the reason why so many young men fail in education these days is because the method of education is geared towards educating young women. Young men are being taught with what works for teaching young women. You were at a disadvantage in the very beginning. Your son(s), if you ever have any, will be under the same circumstances.

[@sxed4vid]

@@GerardoGarciaMedina What do you mean by that?

[@WatchMeEv0Ive]

@@nameunknown5106 I was in the same boat, I'm 19 now and graduated this year after having to take a summer school class. I was never able to explain my difficulty past "I just can't make myself do it, I don't understand why" only for my witch of a step mom to mock me in a cry baby voice. I had to take an alternate graduation path that wasnt my keystones but I needed certifications and what not which I managed. Now I'm working at a grocery store and I'm not quite sure what to do or where to go, college isn't going to work most likely. I plan to get some kind of apprenticeship and thought about trying to get an EMT certification. My current problem is I feel trapped and unable to go out and do things due to my bad relationship with my step mom and its causing me to hole up in my room.

[@AndreiBostina-h4w]

I have the EXACT same problem man. I hope you have better luck than me since you also deserve better than me , everyone just gives me solutions that I have already tried or just tell me it will get better. WHEN will it get better, when I retire?

[@novacorponline]

I once went to couples therapy briefly once. The therapist often took my girlfriend (now ex)'s side on things, to an absurd level. Like, I recall they tried this one "listening exercise" where we had to state an opinion and the other had to quote it word for word... But she didn't quote it at all and made up a bunch of extra details that I never said and the therapist said she did good. (The prompt was whether we like cats or dogs better, and why. I said "I like cats better, because dogs jump on you and they're heavy enough that it hurts." and she said "He doesn't like dogs because they climb up and get dirt all over you and are messy." as her attempt to quote me word for word) Shockingly, or perhaps not so, in spite of being agreed with 90% of the time, my girlfriend actually hated the therapist because she thought the few times she did agree with me were too much and she felt like it was biased against her...

[@evgenia]

Info dump for you: If it's a person who assumes things about other people in a quick, condescending fashion, they are pretentious. If they assume that others are up to no good and assume the worst motives in others, they are conceited. If they just tend to assume things in general and jump to conclusions before thinking things through, they are presumptuous. If they assume something they heard is true without questioning or considering, they are gullible. People assume things, because it is their strategy for handling anxiety and a need to control others and situations. Assumptions can also be a way of avoiding emotional pain. By always assuming we know what others think and feel, we avoid the risk of being vulnerable. We tend to take on our parents' assumptions, such as assuming that we do or don't deserve certain things (a good life, money, love) or we should or shouldn't do other things (get married, be atheist, wear bright clothes).We often use assumptions as a shortcut when we lack firsthand knowledge. We assume we know what other people think and this prevents us from learning what they really think. But what we may not recognize is that our assumptions also inhibit us from seeing the truth about ourselves.If someone accuses you of being assuming, he or she thinks you are arrogant or that you take too much for granted. If you take on an assuming tone when you ask for something, people are more likely to feel offended than to be generous. A person who is quiet and modest is often described approvingly as being unassuming. One of the main complaints from women (often times in response to complaints from men) about is the apparent disrespect or resentment that so many men demonstrate towards women. The reason most men resent women is because their perspective is off. They’re focused more on things they can’t control and don’t like. They’re focused more on what others are or aren’t doing, rather than their own (in)actions. The experience of life is ALL about perspective. You’d be surprised at how many rich and beautiful people are miserable. They don’t usually look at themselves from the same lens that their fans look at them through. They’re prone to the same tendency to focus on what they wish they had that someone else has (or what they wish they didn’t have to deal with). It’s the destructive side to the ego. Human nature, or socially conditioned nature perhaps, often times works against us. This is why we it’s important to understand men who have some resentment towards women. It’s human nature to resent certain people or things when your perspective’s wrong. How could men resent women in the first place though? What did women ever do to men? 1) Women represent sexual privilege/authority to the average man. Today’s American male is more inclined to notice the social advantages and freedoms that women have “over men” due to societal norms, perceptions, expectations (or lack thereof) standards, and nature than he is to notice how he may or may not benefit from patriarchy. He sees women getting into clubs free when he has to pay 10 to 20 bucks. He sees the way men are expected to pay for dates during courtship (and drinks at bars). He sees how men are also expected to be the ones to initiate and escalate contact between the sexes. He sees how men are expected to protect their women from harm. Sometimes it seem like all men have are responsibilities, while it seems to him like women have options, luxuries, conveniences, high expectations, and a plethora of sometimes arbitrary standards. Women do have some advantages, but men have as many if not more. The worst part is that many of these men see women as one of the most powerful authorities on his value and worth as a man. The way he sees it, women get to decide which men are worthy of any form of sexual gratification (aside from gay men). This is one of the reasons so many men tend to view women like they’re the government. For the most part these men obey the laws and know that they can’t and don’t really want to overthrow the government, but they still enjoy slandering politicians and debating changes in their local elected officials along with strategies for how to cheat or exploit the system. These men need to adjust their glass is half empty perspective and learn to use their own advantages. Women do have some advantages, but men have as many if not more. Most of the ones I just mentioned only apply to dating and relationships. In the laborforce it’s an entirely different story where women could say worst things about our privileges. Either way, only pessimists and people who find comfort in the victim position focus on their disadvantages and other people’s advantages. Leaders don’t do this. Not to mention, seeing women as government is one of the worst dating/relationship mindsets you could have. To me, that sounds like a stressful civic duty rather than a good time. 2) Some men don’t particularly care for women’s values/interests. The blogosphere is FULL of discussions about the many differences between men and women and the disconnects in perspective we tend to have. We generally care about entirely different things. It’s interesting to see all the different types of things that matter to women that are insignificant, superficial, unnecessary, arbitrary, and sometimes downright odd to men (and vice versa). Men and women live in different worlds it seems, and a lot of men resent the way this disconnect relates to dating, sex, and relationships. There’s a lot at stake when it comes to sexual preferences, behavior, and expectations. Women set the standards for what’s acceptable, desirable, and undesirable in men. This is a level of perceived authority that not all men are comfortable with (as I mentioned in #2). When it comes to attraction and sex women seem to value things in men that men don’t find as important. Hence the resentment. Many men hate how so many women get turned on by demeanor, style, and confidence a lot moreso than substance of character, compassion, loyalty, or intelligence. This isn’t fair because not only does this not apply to every woman, but if these men observed themselves they’d realize that their sexual attraction triggers were even more shallow, primal, arbitrary, and unsophisticated. Even if it were true though, it would also be true that there are countless women who value the same things as you to the same extent you do. Complaining about the ones that don’t isn’t the way to find those women. So I say move to plan B. 3) Women pride themselves on being complex. Growing up in a house with four women I learned right away that women’s standards regarding comfort, cleanliness, and general satisfaction were higher than our government needs the debt ceiling to be. They struck me as experts at finding otherwise nonexistent problems, unacceptable quality, or discomfort in almost any given decoration, service, or product. This isn’t because they’re naturally negative or committed to discontent though. As the creatures of habit we humans tend to be, women in particular are a lot more detail oriented. They almost always value details more than us. This is why it seems like good is never good enough for them. The seemingly trivial aspects of a house, relationship, shirt, person’s tastes, or personality will usually somehow manage to be a lot more nuanced, bothersome, or generally a bigger deal to her than it will be to him. Most men I know desire to be simple creatures, but I can’t say the same for what I see in most women. Women seem to crave challenge, mystery, intrigue, and other complicated things that disturb the peace men value so much. The average man resents the fact that so many women often feel the need to test him and reassure herself that he’s the one for her and that he’s qualified to handle her foolishness in case it flares up again later on. Women can also appear to be reluctant to accept how simple men are and how little we want or expect from them. Perhaps they’re annoyed by this reality because they realize that it means we can’t fully relate to them. Or who knows, maybe they just think it’s boring and disappointing. Even it that’s true, hatred or resentment is not the answer. Just find common ground and give each other space to be who you are. Decide what ticky tackness you can tolerate (from a woman who’s worth it obviously) and set your boundaries on the things you can’t and this becomes a non-issue. On grander scale of things, you as all men are high wired to find a woman, that is similar to patterns you recognise, which is interaction between your mother and your father. These are the types of women that turn you on physically and the only type that you can function with, relationship wise. You are content with that pattern, you are often unaware of how similar your girlfriends are to your mother. This system always benefited men. Women are culturally and socially struggling against, this pattern recognition and teach each other, to pick better then what your know and high wired for, improving themselves through all this overthingking, that men resent them for. That is because system, been discriminating and killing them for hundreds of years, primarily from middle of 1500ies and start of woman hunt, that established global man-fear and disgust with periods and childbirth as witchcraft. Before that, ability to give birth, was valued more then life of a man or life of a soldier.

[@novacorponline]

@evgenia can I have my hour back? At no point during that novel you wrote did you even begin to approach anything even close to resembling a response to my comment. I can only pray that you did actually write all of that rather than having copied and pasted it from somewhere, because there could be no injustice greater than the possibility that more of my brief time on this planet was wasted on this interaction than yours.

[@Shadoom90]

Guess the best thing is that she's your Ex now, don't know you or her, and whatever happened i know it can still hurt and suck, but it seems like you got out of a toxic relationship, even if it may had good sides at one time in the relationship, it's probably for the best for you. Getting your words twisted so she's "right" ... no thanks, feels like that your opinion, your words, your feelings aren't worth anything in this relationship you had, just from the little you shared here, but yeah, can't tell if that was the case or not, or just a part of it, just saying it like it looks for me. And yeah, a therapist that doesn't see that was certainly the wrong one. The therapist is there to help both of you, not just one, and more in a way so you both can understand each other better and see what is best for the both of you. So yeah, maybe going separate ways is the best for you. Wish you the best of luck in your future, and, when you ever need a therapy again, for yourself or a couple therapy, that you find someone better!

[@novacorponline]

@@Shadoom90 Thanks, and yeah, I tried to make it work, which is why we went to couples therapy. But, she didn't learn anything from it since the therapist let her slide on every time she got the communication lessons wrong... Its very difficult to live with someone who just decides reality is whatever she wants it to be at any given time and you're not allowed to disagree...

[@soulangela7154]

I'm sorry to hear it went like that. Sounds like the therapist was definitely biased in this situation. I hope that if you have future experiences with therapy you will be properly listened to. That's a level of respect everyone deserves, and especially in a service that is meant to help you and that you are paying for.

[@mephistovonfaust]

We’ve lost a friend to suicide last year. I got a little melancholic yesterday and just told my best friend that I love him and that we tell each other way too little… I’ve never seen him more confused in the 25 years we’re best friends.

[@iamcerealman102]

I find myself wanting to express my feelings less to my best friend than I do to a random woman seeing me sitting alone in a cafe 😅

[@TeethSkylark]

I tell my best friend I love him at least once a month. He understands it's not romantic, and that he's a brother to me

[@Flowhill]

@@TeethSkylark Same. It might be a bit awkward the first time you tell your friends, but you''ll get used to it. Now I love saying it, and hearing it back of course!

[@May-qb3vx]

I wish there were more male therapists out there. I was always bullied by a female teacher in elementary school, so I find it really hard to open up to women in these sorts of fields. It’s so much easier for me to open up to make teachers and male therapists. Women can make me shut down.

[@secretagent4610]

Yeah, women tend to be good at doing that to men. Society let's them get away with it and sees it as a funny joke when they do it to men, but god forbid the shoe is on the other foot. My own therapist I just got rid of insulted me for opening up about certain things. There's a reason why they told Samson not to open up to Delilah. I wish there were more male therapists as well.

[@Heyu7her3]

That's up to men to do. Y'all have to stop collectively believing that care work is feminine and lowly, and then systematized this through insufficient pay, low regard, etc. It's a "y'all" simply because men won't listen to the gender minorities who do cry out that toxic masculinity/ patriarchal standards need to be done away with. So idk what else can be said about addressing the issue 🤷🏽‍♀️ It all still points back to patriarchy.

[@luxeayt6694]

@@Heyu7her3 ah yes, let's blame men once more. Lovely

[@EQuake2290]

@@Heyu7her3 Do you really hang around in men's mental health youtube comments sections just to be insensitive and sexist?

[@Lacter12]

​@@Heyu7her3oh no it's the Shoe0nHead comments

[@MaxPalaro]

I talk about society and philosophy with my therapist. When talking about those stuff I learn a lot about myself. But I think learning how to express feelings more healthily is a good goal

[@RoseEyed]

Thank you for this. As a woman, it's helping to confirm things I already suspected about my boyfriend. Because of my high functioning social anxiety I typically need verbal reassurance, and when I wasn't really getting that from him I assumed he didn't care. It took me a while (and a few candid conversations tbh) to realize he does care, he just expresses it differently than me. He has a much bigger appetite but will always make sure I get the first bite of food even if he's starving. I once mentioned being chilly in passing as we were walking fully expecting to just deal with it myself (low iron, I'm used to being cold) only to realize he'd turned on the heat when we got to his car without saying anything. And now, even though he doesn't get cold, whenever I'm with him, he'll ask if I'm warm enough. He remembers small details about things I've said in passing, even if I forgot mentioning it. When I'm talking to him about something I'm struggling with and he doesn't respond, it's not that he's not listening; he just wants to give me space to fully process without judgement because he trusts me to find a solution myself. It's not that he CAN'T talk about things, that's just not his preferred way. As we're both slowly learning and adapting to each other's languages, those small actions have actually been more grounding for my anxiety than any of the verbal reassurance I've gotten before and I feel more secure with him than I have with anyone I've dated. I really am grateful to have him in my life and I hope he knows it!

[@SunbleachedAngel]

And that's what relationships are about, understanding each other and understanding that you are different people that need to get along together. I am very glad to hear you're doing well

[@nicoledoubleyou]

I also watched this to figure out more about my bf. I, too, need a LOT of verbal love, anything as simple _=$$ pointing out when he something I did, saying thank you, making it clear that he sees me as a positive person in his life. I genuinely feel like he just doesn't like me every much but I have noticed that when I eventually break down and can't keep it to myself just how sad and alone I feel, or if something he's doing (or not doing,) is really upsetting, he will attempt to do better, more, etc but it is hard for me to trust that he likes me cuz we have kids and both feel very strongly about doing whatever it takes to stay together for them so i guess I just don't know if he likes me or is just tolerating and as best he can. I'll try to look for things like what you've mentioned. I would love to find o tout I'm wrong and he just doesn't express himself or even know himself very well

[@KrimsonStorm]

I hope you two end up happily married. It seems like y'all are both willing to learn each other's languages and that you compliment each other very well. I wish y'all the best!

[@f_i_z]

check out (google) "love languages" - was a real eye opener for me. seems kind of hokey but there's some real truth to it. usually at the beginning of dating someone we're doing all of them without really realizing, then as time goes on we revert to our own types and if that isn't our partner's type, they feel like "the spark is gone" or whatever.

[@parrapaTh3Rappa]

Don't hope he knows it, tell him!! I'm sure you have in one way or another, but even reading out this comment to him would probably mean the WORLD to him.

[@silencos5974]

I read a book called Daring Greatly. It was a book written by a female therapist, who in the book has a revelation that men have feelings. I couldn’t believe what I was reading.

[@danielwoods3896]

Sounds about right.

[@nightynightlayla374]

I’m sorry, what?!? How can you be therapist, and not already think that!? I think it’s very disturbing to think that “men don’t have feelings” in the first place. It’s like saying, “I just discovered that black people have feelings too.” Wth???

[@lolzforlunch]

imagine reading a whole book to figure yourself out, and by the end of it the triple degree PHD has only gotten to your starting line lmao P.S. I agree its fucked up, but man thats funny too

[@colonelweird]

It's by Brene Brown. I'm skeptical of what you claim. Could you please quote where she says this?

[@voidboi2831]

imagine spending years to learn about how human emotions work only to be like “humans have emotions?? holy shit guys”

[@alexia3552]

This is a peek into a totally different world for me as a woman. This is so valuable. I’ve spent so much time in my life being frustrated at how the men in my immediate family don’t demonstrate that emotional language that’s taught to women, that’s taught in therapy. I see them expressing strong emotion through their behavior and tone, but I have trouble identifying what I’m seeing, I just can see that it’s intense. It’s not fair to expect men to be the one to bridge the entire communication gap. I want to learn how to recognize and affirm the emotions that men are expressing in their own way. It’s also really valuable to have it affirmed by a professional just how vital physical touch and affection is for men. Its so taboo for men to want and receive non-sexual affection. That sounds excruciatingly isolating.

[@wrexus9585]

Men have superiority complexes as a defense mechanism, which can be either be learned or taught. A lot of the times it's not overt or blatant, but we tend to put a lot of importance on self-reliance. Those who cannot do so are seen as 'weak' by society at large. So when we show our vulnerabilities, it can be a bit of a disconnect to when comparing their behaviour to how their 'image of a man' should be. People call this superiority complex 'toxic masculinity', either as something inherent or as a culture wide phenomenon that dictates the male gender role. The general impression is that men are the ones who self-perpetuate that culture, but women also subconciously do so (on that, the female gender role is also enforced by both sexes). By the simple act of merely believing in the patriarchy, it cemented itself into the collective conciousness. And maybe there is truth to it, but so long as men are seen as priveleged by virtue of existing, they will never 'need' help.

[@inquisitionagent9052]

@@wrexus9585 speak for yourself. Never in my life have I felt superior. Infact the exact opposite. The reason why I and most other men aren't forthcoming with our suffering is simply because we're gonna be shamed and ridiculed for it. People (especially women in my personal experience) use that sht against you

[@kimandre5842]

@@inquisitionagent9052 this was a little too deep for you or you read too fast i recon, he isent talking about your feeling superior to woman or stuff, he is talking about mental default systems that men have in them, and that behaviour is the basis for how society treats us, "because we're gonna be shamed and ridiculed for it." is the exact same point but from another angle that OP is making. you dont disagree, but i think there were parts you missunderstood about the post ;) Edit: i gonne take a wild guees on the gender roles and patriarchy being the parts that made you think you disagree?

[@white6505]

@@kimandre5842 imagine going to therapy searching for genuine advice but instead being met with a lecture about toxic masculinity, patriarchy and gender. you are part of the problem.

[@shane9161]

​@@white6505 well. This isn't therapy. It's a video about therapy. So.....idk where you were going with that.

[@Dilaudid281]

Whenever men open up, it's either met with insensitivity or over sensitivity. Either the person isn't going to care, or they're going to get upset and take it personally. I'm honestly more afraid of how someone will respond to how I feel, than my own mental health.

[@disdainjames]

It’s funny, as a man I feel that everyone deserves to be able to express their feeling freely and not be shamed, and yet I do feel a very deep and fundamental shame and embarrassment doing it myself. Very much like “everyone’s problems are real except yours.” Therapy has helped me, but I’ve found something interesting; I’ve had better experiences with women therapists than men, I think because even male therapists have this underlying problem. It seems like a quiet solidarity and understanding instead of actually probing into what the root of that issue really is

[@wouldyounot7971]

It is easier to talk to female therapists. I found that mine kept questioning me in an open minded way to get the answers out of me when i couldnt speak for myself!

[@leonardoeL364]

indirect masculinity competition, I think most men subconsciously don't like to put themselves in a position of "inferiority" to other men, just as no man passes another man with his ass turned around in the gym, just from the front.

[@Americansikkunt]

Have you ever considered that they have nothing else to go off other than your own word? Psycho-therapy basically relies on your making a Subjective narrative about your Objective reality, and working through it from there…. Regardless, there should be a male-based therapy system that doesn’t treat men like women.

[@dooshnukem32]

I think you and Dr. K just helped something click for me. Much like you, I've always been a shoulder to cry on. It just feels natural to suspend judgement when someone is comfortable enough with me to be vulnerable. I never really allowed that to be returned to me, not even with trusted friends. I tried various therapists for years, but ultimately I spent the better part of 2 decades convinced that therapy would never, _ever_ be for me. I had only seen male therapists (unintentionally) who just never seemed invested for myriad reasons. My current therapist is a woman, and I've been seeing her for over 3 years now. It's the first time in my life that therapy has ever felt genuinely productive. I wouldn't pin it all on gender - she's easily just a better therapist overall than any others I've seen over the years. But upon a little reflection, it certainly seems like an important factor.

[@glssecondchannel5147]

The part about being ashamed to talk about my feelings and issues and instead trying to solve it resonates with me greatly, not helped by the fact that my issue in particular is extremely difficult for me to talk about. I’ve only had one male therapist so far, he helped me somewhat but certainly not at a certain point, so maybe female therapists might help. Tbf I’m doing infinitely better than a few years ago, but it still pesters me to this day

[@l.mcghee3146]

I’m a woman but this video actually helped me contextualize some of my husband’s behavior as he struggles with mental health issues. Thank you!!

[@maaingan]

Western society uses it’s members as fuel… Your husband has had his emotional self completely destroyed. He is more productive at menial labor this way ☹️It’s like having one arm that falls asleep constantly, the more you move it, the more the pins and needles hurt. But moving it is the only way to get the arm to wake up again and make the pain stop. It’s a state of agonizing uncertainty and insecurity where both remaining the same is uncomfortable, and making the necessary change is painful

[@chindianajones3742]

As a guy, the biggest thing that I took away from this video was when Dr K said "as a man, An emotion is a problem to be solved, not talked about". This made so much sense to me as it really resonated with how I feel about my emotions/problems. This is not to say that I don't want to talk about my emotions or that talking about them is a useless endeavor. But really this is how my brain approaches these things. Maybe this mindset was learned or maybe its just how I naturally am, but regardless its what makes the most sense to me.

[@LilGreasyAndEm]

I feel bad for married people sometimes 🥺

[@hailghidorah2536]

Hope your marriage is going well!

[@thomasslone1964]

chicken butt 39 cents a pound

[@harleylazy]

As a man, who was raised by a single mom, this actually opened my eyes as to why I've always felt like the odd one out of my friends groups. I would always be a mix between feeling and action and have been to therapy when I was a kid. I never understood why some guy friends were a bit too douchey or why talking about feelings was so taboo. Weird. But great to acknowledge.

[@professional.commentator]

Yea same here. I technically had a father while growing up but he barely ever interacted with me and didn't fulfill the fatherly duties he was supposed to do. And I'm also an only child so that stunted my social development. I also remember feeling the same way about how most guys would act like douchebags for no reason and it would piss me off. My mom raised me to be a goody two shoes type of person and so I thought being that way with other guys was normal but the older I got, the more I realized that women don't know how to properly raise boys. It's like a bird teaching a dog how to fly. Boys are supposed to be raised by men, and especially by men with a good heart. Women can try their best to raise boys, but unless they've truly been in our shoes, they won't know what it's like and that certain things don't apply to males while other things need to be taught before it's too late.

[@Justin-yt7pi]

History shows us that emotion and action are powerful traits when used correctly.

[@chrismalveaux1323]

Spot on, I have a similar story my dad was always at work and was busy doing what he wanted to do. My mom raised me to be a goody good and a nice guy, I struggled with woman for years. I ended up going to jail and met alot of bad people, but met some good strong men. Once I got out I had no issues getting woman. They seemed to like my more masculine energy then I had when I was younger. Woman cannot raise men, we are equal, but very different.

[@EinherjarV]

@@chrismalveaux1323 how good did that Red Pill taste?

[@PeachesandCream225]

So how did that your engergy change after prison? @@chrismalveaux1323

[@janka4820]

I remember these two stories i heard about therapy that stand out. 1 therapist asked person weather they have a gf -no Unoficial relationships with a girl? -no Close friends with a girl? -no Friends at all with a girl? -no Then the therapist kicked him out because she thought he was lying 2 he shared that he likes doom with his therapist Therapist asks if he likes this violent videogame because he feels those violent urges that he can't express irl or smth like that -no it's just a fun game This is the type of shit that scares me away from therapy

[@m.f.1156]

I highly doubt that this is what actually happened. Furthermore, therapists are supposed to ask questions. If you can't handle being asked confronting questions, then therapy may indeed not be for you.

[@skybug1706]

I've had male and female therapists. The ones that did the best work w me were always "paternal" imo. They didn't "how does that make you feel?" too much, they said "you're in a cycle" or "how can you overcome the way you feel about or interact with this so you can better your life?" They're understanding but straightforward, compassionate but corrective. Even when I want to just complain and vent and blame my sad circumstances or my abusers, I'm told instead "you have experienced tragedy but I'm here to get you to stability, not rub your back through crisis." The dialogue ultimately encourages and focuses on action or at least proactive mental overhaul, and I believe this is the healthy middle ground.

[@Mushroom321-]

Thank you for sharing your experience!! 😮 yes!, the best kind of therapist are the ones who do the self questions! 😲🤔

[@aribrahim1898]

Is it a coincidence that 75% of all shrinks are women.

[@tihanaharrison6728]

Not many therapists have that great quality. Thank you for sharing your experience.

[@Ferrari255GTO]

Oh, so i have been doing a good job helping my friend then. I hope he gets back on track soon.

[@Mx.KARLEY]

maternal. paternal is for fathers

[@SynetheSage]

Not only do men often feel outgunned in therapy, they also often feel outnumbered. As an articulate, emotionally self-aware man, I can speak from my own experience with both individual and couples therapy that there seems to be a strong bias toward validating a woman's perspective and feelings, and "correcting" a man's perspective and feelings. From what I've experienced, therapist have been very quick to interrupt, argue, and nitpick me, trying to find some sort of "gotcha" rather than trying to listen with empathy and understand the message I'm trying to convey. One therapist (an older black man) was initially supposed to be a couples counselor, and after the very first session of listening to me and my ex's perspectives separately, he decided to focus on counseling me. In the months going forward, nothing I could say to this man would be heard in any way that challenges the picture that my ex (who had cheated on me, was a self-admitted manipulator, and had every reason to convince herself and the therapist that our relationship was unsalvageable despite still having feelings for me and us having a child) had painted of me and our relationship. Even in her absence, he maintained that her perspective must be validated, and no explanation on my part for the things she expressed and her motivations for doing so were truly considered. The perspective she shared with him in an hour and a half of talking poisoned the well of my therapeutic relationship with him for the rest of its lifespan going forward, several months of therapy that went nowhere because I was constantly feeling unseen, unheard, and like I had to justify my every perception, feeling, tone, etc. Now I'm with a female therapist (an older white woman), and she's had a similar issue of being quick to interrupt, dominate the dialogue, advise from her own rigid and unempathetic point of view, and talk about ending therapy if I don't stop trying to correct her misunderstanding of the things I barely managed to say before she started interrupting me. Out of the three therapists I've seen as an adult, all within the past year, I've only felt heard and respected by one of them (whom my ex disliked, shocker), who was an older, I believe Indian man. All of these biases I've experienced seem like reflections of biases against men that are pervasive in society overall. Lack of empathy, respect, patience, compassion, and a general focus on "you need to conform your POV to mine so I can fix you". So yes, therapy sucks for men, and it isn't just because men lack certain skills. It's because human beings, including therapists, are biased toward women and against men, particularly when it comes to validating and listening to their feelings, perspectives, and troubles. This is why a close friend will almost 100% of the time get more access to a man's feelings than their partners or their therapists. Because only when people have that kind of bond does their heart actually open up to seeing men as human beings rather than clay to be molded into a more convenient shape.

[@lemonlupinreuben5362]

Societally people care more about woman and their perspective since the dawn of time. Woman beats a man relentlessly on the street, no one bats an eye. Man raises his hand in self defense, everyone suddenly stops to intervene.

[@solar0wind]

@@lemonlupinreuben5362 That... is quite a stretch. Especially the first part. The last part may be true in certain cases, but it's by no means a universal truth.

[@NatashaSunita]

@@lemonlupinreuben5362 sorry but this is simply untrue. Women have been subjugated by men for the majority of human history as far as we can tell. Women couldn't vote, work, own property etc. It's is only recently that the gap has been narrowed in any significant way, but men still own and run most corporations, institutions and governments.

[@sarakollaritsch3695]

Your story reminds me of an experience that I had in college that completely turned me off to the idea of therapy and a therapist wasn't even involved! I was doing a 10 hr a week field experience/internship thing doing tasks that I absolutely hated while still taking full time classes; I loved working with the people and learned a lot, but other parts of the field experience didn't outweigh the misery from the tasks. I cannot describe how fundamentally demoralizing I found the tasks to be - and it wasn't the people, or the environment, or even the schedule and traffic to get to the place, it was literally the tasks that I was performing. They took everything I had mentally and emotionally and gave me nothing back. I wasn't entirely surprised by this, I was familiar enough with the field that I knew the tasks this internship would focus on were going to be hard on me, so I just decided to wait out the semester. But the constant drain just sapped all my energy and had me in a continual low mood that didn't abate until after the semester had ended. This was the most down I've ever felt in my life and I probably could have gotten a diagnosis of depression based on how I was behaving. Again, I was unsurprised by how awful I was feeling, but one guy that I knew was Very Concerned by my sudden change. He cornered me one day and started talking about it; I explained how I felt, why I felt it, and what I planned to do - I was very thorough and articulate and I told him that it would get better once the semester had ended. His reply? 'But what if it doesn't get better?' It was like the floor dropped out from under me. My resolve in my course of action wasn't shaken but the fact that this guy who had more experience in the field then me and had just sat through my explanation of why I was feeling what I was feeling would borderline assert that wanting to close my eyes and not open them until all the crap had passed me by would be the standard of my existence just sent me spiraling mentally. Then the guy started in on how I needed to change my thinking and reframe how I thought about the things that make me feel bad. That, at the same time, pissed me off beyond measure and shattered any trust I had in the guy. Ya know what happened? The semester ended, I started up a new field experience at a different location doing different tasks, and it was the most fulfilling thing I had ever experienced at that point in my life. It got better and was directly related to the tasks I was performing, just like I had told the guy. I admit, I've never actually had therapy. I'm a woman and my parents raised me to be able to reflect on what I am feeling and trace it to find why I am feeling that way and come up with a course of action if I wanted things to change. That interaction that I had was the one time that anyone had ever broached the topic of therapy to me and made it sound like a means to 'fix' my thinking so that I wouldn't view the things that brought me abject misery as a things to be escaped. It angered me that this person who didn't know me thought I was so ignorant of myself that any conclusion I came to should be immediately dismissed. Now, I am aware enough to know that therapy is not inherently bad and I can concieve of circumstances where the way in which one thinks does need to be reframed. Like for anorexia - that's not healthy we need to reframe the concept of food and body image so that people don't starve themselves to death. However, I don't think that the decision to use therapy like this - that is, as a means to change how people think - is a decision that should be made lightly; and it makes me very hesitant to engage with mental health services when it sounds like mental health treatment would be used pressure me into thinking the way that the mental health professional thinks is correct. I'm sorry that you had that awful experience. There can be benefits to having a third party help facilitate communication, but its nigh impossible when that third party can't maintain neutrality. And I agree - a close friend or even family member who understands you and how you think can be just as helpful in getting your own head on straight. Also, sorry this got so long! I seem to be incapable of stating things concisely lol!

[@EriPages]

How much did all that wasted therapy cost if you don't mind? Or is it fully covered by insurance? Therapy to me is an expensive waste of time. I have no interest in "talking about my feelings" unless there is a clear objective in solving the cause of those feelings.

[@brf5219]

The worst part of therapy for me when I tried it was that, even though I felt I could share my emotions well and felt heard, nothing ever felt _solved._ Most sessions were just "yeah that sucks" instead of ever providing solutions to the problems that made me feel the negative emotions I shared.

[@sacredoath3167]

Came here to say this

[@evanc8057]

Yeah i want the therapist to give me ideas on how to solve problems. They don’t need to be even ideas that work but something other than “that sucks” would be helpful.

[@gmansard641]

Yes! SO many times therapists told me how they emphasize "coping skills," which is the same as saying "just stop caring and put up with it." I wasn't trying to "cope" with my depressions, I wanted to end them! Limit and reduce them at the very least. We so often hear that mental/emotional health should be addressed the same as any other health issues, yet no doctor ever told me to learn "coping skills" when dealing with the horrible pain of my kidney stones. Instead, they had specific procedures that removed the cause of the pain. Yet I was criticized for wanting to change the circumstances that led to my depressions, and was told I had to learn "coping skills" instead.

[@gmansard641]

​@@evanc8057 Just recalled something. A few years ago I saw a VA psychologist for a few months. Wanting it to work I asked what we needed to do to make it effective. In a foreshadowing of my future with him he said "What do you think I should do?" (About all he did for was throw my questions back at me, pretty frustrating). I said I expected his thoughts, his evaluations, suggestions for things I might try, perhaps recommendations for things I could read. All he said was "it sounds like you're just looking for easy answers." Stunned, I did not reply. I should have asked him how those reasonable expectations added up to "looking for easy answers." But I guess it's too much to expect a psychologist to actually DO anything.

[@bigbluebuttonman1137]

This was my first therapist. My second therapist actually acknowledges my goal, but my first therapist was basically acting as a listening box and stopped listening the moment I said I drink, and promptly directed me elsewhere. I got Alcoholics Anonymous. I'm not going back to that, even if I start drinking again.

[@shatteredmatrixincorporate8755]

Best therapist I ever had was when I was trying to deal with losing most of my friends while in the Marines. One day she asked me "are you here to be f****** quiet or are you here to get over what's bothering you?" After that I started making progress.

[@AndyG_MTB]

I have been troubled by this idea that 'to stop male suicide men just need to talk more' is extremely dangerous. Instead the answer is in my opinion very complex, and involves largely how society treats men.

[@Merciful_Angel]

I think the truth is far more nuanced; to stop male suicide, men need to feel connected. Talking is the gold-standard, but sitting silently next to someone who makes you feel safe (man or woman) is still connection; the core requirement is knowing someone cares. Clinical depression is a killer because it tells you that nobody cares, even when they do.

[@clutchboi4038]

I hate that crap too. They want us to be like women when women actually attempt suicide at a higher rate but are simply less capable of carrying out the action than we are. If we start to act and think like women our rates will go even higher because we are actually more capable of doing it.

[@AndyG_MTB]

@@Merciful_Angel I agree in part. But the idea of talking/ talking therapy being the panacea is what concerns me. I appreciate it is the gold standard (alongside antidepressant medication) but I do challenge this idea. The literature basis for talking therapy efficacy significantly biases towards women. I maintain how men a are treated (actions towards them) by partners peers and society is the driving force behind the disparity behind men claiming their lives at an alarming rate. This is why I challenge the notion that if only men would talk more it would all be ok. In reality society needs to look at how average men are treated. And not assume that a tiny percentage of successful men are representative of the population.

[@stephenkeen6044]

@@Merciful_Angel "to stop male suicide, men need to feel connected." I disagree. They need a sense of (achievable) purpose. Women have stronger social needs in terms of connectedness, men have more functional needs. Not that men they don't need connectedness at all, just that purpose is a stronger driver / motivator for men. The zeitgeist and therapy in particular tend to be tailored more towards the feminine psyche.

[@EmeraldEyesEsoteric]

I tried Therapy for a bit. Each session started with making me rate my last session from 1 to 10. Then we'd spend a good bit talking about stuff he mentioned. Just when the conversation starts to get good, it's over, and you have to pick it up next week. By then, all the energy is gone, and you're back to square one.

[@jfs5873]

I went through about 3 female therapists who all just kind of nodded their head at me and never really did much. Finally I got a male therapist and my experience improved so much, and he gave me a lot more in depth advice that was actually useful.

[@thetallone7605]

What I took away from this was: 1.) Traditional therapy will work best for us guys if we remind the therapist that as men we suck at articulating our emotions, and are hardwired to take action to solve problems 2.) Hit the gym or do something physical 3.) Find a good group of homies to go spend time with, preferably doing some sort of physical activity in person.

[@Austin_Martin49]

Exactly

[@TheRealAaronSmith]

So in other words, get into the construction industry. Note: will NOT assist in healthy expression of anger

[@cortster12]

Hitting the gym doesn't work for everyone. I've been trying for months, but I get nothing out of it. Absolutely nothing. No satisfaction, no better sleep, nothing.

[@tombraiderstrums09]

@@cortster12 the gym is not helpful for me either-I can’t maintain the discipline on my own, nor do I feel pride, endorphins, or all the positive things usually associated with exercise bc I feel so self-conscious and down on myself. Joining a men’s workout group is what worked for me. The one I found is free of charge and doesn’t meet in a gym-just in public spaces like parks and schools. We always meet up early in the morning and go get coffee afterwards. We also do a bit of leadership studies/training and community service. It’s called F3 if you want to look into it; they’re in most US cities. Good luck man

[@user-mm6dn9mx4z]

@@cortster12 Anhedonia

[@aapjeaaron]

It's one of the things I explicitly told my therapist. "I do not have the tools to manage myself in certain scenarios and this is cathing up to me. I am here to give myself the tools to deal with social situations I am struggling with." She was incredibly receptive to that.

[@bryonslatten3147]

My now-ex/then-wife and I went to couples therapy back in 1995 at her insistence. My ex picked the therapist. Walking into the therapist's office for the first time, I noticed multiple posters on the wall of women with black eyes and fat lips with the caption "Love Shouldn't Hurt". The first thing out of the therapist's mouth was to ask my ex if she felt "safe" around me and whether we should each talk with her separately. We were there to discuss why I kept telling her to stop spending money and going out to bars while I watched our son after she drained the bank account down to zero each month. The whole thing was basically a theatrical performance, and we only last 4 or 5 sessions before I said enough.

[@EnFuego79]

If they want therapy, YOU get to choose the counsellor. That's the deal. Especially now that the APA has gone completely woke.

[@bryceasay7749]

Had these issues with the one time we went to a therapist to help our kid who was struggling. Lost a lot of respect for therapists and it turned out changing his school (e.g. he was being beat up at school) fixed the problem. The therapist would only try to get our kid to say we were abusive. We were like, what the heck, we are here trying to get help. This channel actually helped us out a lot during that time. Edit: We didn't know at the time what was happening at the school. His behavior changed pretty drastically and we got concerned at what was happening. We were hoping to get some help on how best to support him. It only came out after we left the therapist (went for 4 months) what was happening.

[@πατριχορ]

Lol therapy is a joke

[@Echo81Rumple83]

@@πατριχορ American healthcare is a joke.

[@RizzyGyatt]

Damn who knew that getting ur kid out of abuse would fix the problem

[@RIP_ZYZZ1738]

Well tbh, that's a two way misunderstanding (unless the therapist knew he was being abused in school)

[@boggy7665]

A lot of bogus therapists out there. Get someone who has more than a 'social work' degree.

[@jornsyy]

I spent years going to different therapists and psychologists and made no progress. I felt ignored, I knew I had ADHD but because I was smart enough to not struggle in school nobody believed me. Eventually I got my diagnosis, but my healing came from learning how to show an ounce of the compassion I have for everyone else every day… to myself. Honestly the only thing therapy did was reassure me that I was doing everything I could to get better.

[@abberss]

>"learning how to show an ounce of the compassion I have for everyone else every day… to myself" -- extremely well said!!!

[@secondhandembarrassment7836]

I feel you dude. I always had A's and B's in school but i am 99% sure Ive got ADHD. Doctors even wanted to put me on meds for it when i was like 5 years old but my parents declined. Because our brains work differently with ADHD, people tend to get annoyed or angry at us for things they find simple. Maybe its an ADHD thing but ive also done alot and sacrified for people like friends, family and even strangers yet people want more out of you to use you for their own gain. Its sad but true, we just need to be a little more selfish with things and start prioritizing our needs. And if people dont like that, screw em😎

[@JayWms2035]

Finding the right therapist for YOU is key. Sometimes you get lucky on the first try, and sometimes you need to shop around - which is hard when you're miserable. The first session is too soon to decide, but after the third you should have a sense of whether or not its a good fit. I got a lot more out of therapy when I concluded that I needed to be *completely* honest and share my true feelings. And own my shit. Therapy can be uncomfortable.

[@suhspence99]

In my experience with couples counseling, there also just seems to be a bias against the male as well, as with lots of things in society. I found out my now ex wife had cheated on me. I dragged her to couples counseling with me, trying my hardest to fix things, to find out what was wrong, and got nowhere. The counselor for the entire first session kept getting the story wrong. She kept thinking I was the one who cheated, despite me having to correct her over and over that no, I was the one who was cheated on. And by the time she got that, the conversation turned in to “well what did you do that could have caused her to cheat?” As if I was to blame entirely, as if you insinuate that I was neglectful or abusive in some way that meant I deserved it. Only a few sessions there before I fully realized it was going nowhere

[@og-mgtow]

Therapy is a scam. It's a racket for the Jews.

[@anonymous-yf6ur]

Your biggest mistake was trying to mend your relationship with the cheater.

[@send_love]

First of all I won't marry in this legal environment. If I were married and she would cheat on me I would contact my lawyer to end the marriage. If a wife cheats on you she has become an enemy and more importantly you have become an enemy. Enemies hurt each other. Enemies do not help each other. So many people believe that compassion is the solution to malignant actions. The solution to malignant actions is admittance, boundaries and separation.

[@robertanna9964]

@@send_love my God. So simple. Pure genius.

[@stevensims3342]

Wow man, that is wild.

[@Fibonaccisghost]

Lifting weights, having a solid friend group, and cleaning up my home have done more for my mental health than the thousands of dollars I spent on talk therapy over the years.

[@turtle8581]

Was it a therapist or a psychologist? My experiences with psychologists is far better than with therapists.

[@PGG98]

I do these things and I still wake up crying most days

[@okthisisthelasttimeipromise]

@@PGG98 keep going king.

[@VworksArt]

Friends? what are those?

[@Harold046]

@@VworksArtI hear it's some kind of treasure you find along the way.

[@shutdown117]

I went to therapy multiple times over the years. Only one was able to make a long last difference, she listened then destroyed my flawed logic and called me out on my bs. Then told me actually steps to figure out my problem then things to do about them. Her directions made me such a huge change in my life into becoming a more outgoing person who lives life and not waiting on others to join me to do so. Actually help unlike therapy where I just sit there and complain about feelings and hear you'll be ok.

[@smartguyjaja]

When I was a kid my mom called the cops on me saying I pulled a knife on her when in reality I was trying to kill myself. The cops sent me to the hospital in which the "therapists" tried to talk to me in front of my mom in which my mom completely took over the conversation just to dogpile on me while I sat in silence. Afterwards they decided the best thing to do was to lock me up in the mental ward for a month where I looked at 4 white walls for 23 hours a day and the other 1 hour someone would show up to have us "talk about our feelings". When I said that I haf actually grown more hopeless and wanted to kill myself even more the hospital decided to instead make me sleep on the floor in the hall so they can monitor me at all times. The next therapy session I had with my mom there I said the things the hospital wanted me to say just to get out but then my mom took over the conversation again just to dogpile on me some more. I was a 14 year old kid so ofcourse everything my mom says is right and if I even think about speaking up against her im gunna get my shit kicked in and my dads gunna pull guns on me again. From there the hospital locked me up for another 2 weeks in which I did not eat and refused to participate in any of their fake activities. When I got to my last therapy session before they let me go I straight up told the doctors and my mom that the happiest thing I could ever experience in life right now is death and nothing you do will change that. They discharged me and I learned later in life it was because my mom didnt wanna pay the hospital bills anymore but from there I learned or maybe picked up as a safety mechanism that no matter how horrible things get in my life that I can only fix it myself and no one will ever help me. Ever since I have always hated therapists with a burning passion

[@jpetrullo6890]

Jesus CHRIST man…. I never leave comments on KZbin but this story is insane. I had a decent childhood, although when I was very young I was put into situations where I felt similarly, that I was struggling but not a single person was going to help me but myself. It caused me to grow up extremely closeted and with anxiety and overthinking. I am very independent and self-reliant as a result but I have a hard time communicating with others and it’s frustrating at times. The only thing I want to say is that as a man, your potential and ability to change yourself gets better as you age. Once you’re an adult, the world is yours to achieve and you really can transform yourself if you are willing to make sacrifices and bear the difficulties. Best of luck

[@valentynvorobec7834]

Jesus Christ. Are you OK now? 💀

[@vivvpprof]

Yes, this story is truly insane. Terrible. I can see why people like you hate therapists and therapy. I don't know if you even want to hear this but the problem was the amount of gaslighting and power imbalance being used against you and the invalidation of your experiences - all that piled together. The problem wasn't therapy as such. I completely understand that having had these experiences, that's what you now think about therapy. I can only empathize with you…

[@furroni9471]

You're very right. In life we're alone and no one can help us.

[@samtam423]

i hope you are getting better!

[@DrBruceAcademy]

Preach it! I found that, in general, my male patients are much more willing to take accountability for the situation they are in. Using a personal accountability, action-oriented approach tends to work great with them. Even wording the same response differently can be huge. Instead of saying, "I see how that must have been very hurtful for you," I say things like, "Yeah? How'd that work out for you?" When they tell me how horribly the situation went, I can ask if they want to figure out a way to do it better next time. Giving men the opportunity to solve their own problems tends to work great. And really, that's what we're here for. I can't fix your problems for you. That wouldn't do you any good - it would just make you dependent on me. But teaching you the skills to do it better is a service that will help the patient for the rest of his life.

[@ellegee4043]

These are fantastic pointers! I'm not a therapist, but I'm trying to figure out a better way to support my partner who i'm pretty sure has a lot of issues stemming from family and how his family's culture was imposed on him. Do you have a book or a website recommendation that could act as a platform/starting point for my own learning? My communication training has been much more emotions based, and the action based language was regarded as too direct/aggressive. But if it often works for men, i'd like to adjust my language.

[@TrueLimeyhoney]

Sounds kind of like the rubber duck strategy, except the rubber duck can provide feedback and insight

[@heroslippy6666]

@@TrueLimeyhoney haha, yeah that sounds exactly like how I use college tutors. What makes it more humorous is that the tutoring room is filled with rubber ducks everywhere.

[@thomasmaughan4798]

@@ellegee4043 A small book, "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" came out about the time that women's lib had failed to persuade every human being that men and women are identical except for a few body parts and even those are interchangeable. Another one, also a small book, that's pretty good is rather ancient but still applicable, "I'm OK, You're OK". Transactional analysis. That one can be very simply stated; each person has three modes: Parent, Adult, Child. The Parent mode commands and instructs. Adult mode shares and converses. Child mode receives instruction. What happens is that Parent can interact or "transact" with Child, and Adult with Adult. Any other combination fails. So a "Karen" personality walking up to strangers to correct those strangers, is assuming "Parent" role. There's a human instinct to assume "Child" role IF you want a transaction, which most people DO. But it makes you angry and resentful to be forced into Child. You can try your own Parent of course, makes entertaining KZbin videos. Or you can try Adult. It might be that the other person will transition to Adult in which case you can then have an enjoyable and meaningful *sharing* conversation with neither trying to control the other. Good luck with that one, it seems uncommon but VERY enjoyable.

[@thisismylovehandle]

Best comment

[@kylemclain5495]

I have turned what used to be a great relationship into what would inevitably fail because i shared my emotions. My girlfriend asked me to open up to her thinking she could help with depressive tendencies. I took her up on it Within a week of our conversation, the energy between us felt almost as if she had lost respect for me. She didnt feel like i was as dependable as i was before she knew i had emotions. Within a month, she cheated on me. We dont share emotions simply because society always turns their backs on the men who do. Nobody cares what we feel, only what we can provide.

[@blandrags]

Damn bro, sorry you had to go through that, don’t let that shit get to you! While it is true that most women are like that there are some who genuinely loving and nice who will stick with you through thick and thin. So keep searching for that good one cause god knows we all are.

[@dukekessler6292]

It's generally true that you should never confide in or show weakness to your female partner. While there are some females out there who are awesome most will eventually use it against you and lose respect for you. To put it simply the ones who will help you and understand are vastly outnumbered by the ones who will lose respect and use it against you, it's a bad bet to make. My guess is this is largely a biologically ingrained tendency in women. When a woman says she wants an emotional or emotionally intelligent man what they usually mean is a man that can deal with their emotions. It is generally not a two way street despite what they may say.

[@violett874]

Cheaters really are the worst human beings. They'll stab you in the back, tear your heart out, and then make you feel like it's somehow your fault you're so stab-able.

[@themugwump33]

For how much discourse and social action there is about women being systemically treated unfairly as sex objects, there is nothing outside of the disgusting red-pill world willing to address this universal male experience: Men are treated systemically unfairly as “Success Objects.”

[@michaelwells529]

My wife is one of the few people who I feel like I can genuinely share my feelings with. I'm sorry that happened to you, that really sucks. But if she cheated on you for that, she's not worth it.

[@QuiteWellAdjusted]

As a man ive never communicated like this, I've always been more emotional and open and sensitive and I was always bullied and shamed for it. Took me many years to realize there wasn't something broken about me. Just maybe worth thinking about. That this isnt "just how men are" but "how men are taught to be, often by negative reinforcement from other men." How many men are absolutely wrecked inside because we're taught that we cannot express genuine emotions with other men other than happiness, sexual desire, and rage? God i cant count the number of relationships i ruined with women because i internalized the idea that a man should bottle up his feelings until he finds a Good Woman who will fix him. We as men need to take better care of ourselves, and each other. Maybe part of that is practicing a little honesty and genuineness with our homies.

[@jellyfrosh9102]

went to a therapist and said "I have trust issues with women" after a series of abusive relationships. Her response was "Well women have trust issues with men too"

[@voidboi2831]

“i have arachnophobia doc” “well spiders are probably humanphobic too”

[@epicshinji9258]

she literally solved nothing with that reply

[@foxotcw30]

"Doctor, I have terrible migraines." "Well, other people have migraines too."

[@reversecolin1256788]

preach man

[@AngryBoozer]

Wow, she basically pulled the “starving kids in Africa” argument. How does someone like that even get a licence?!

[@prant8998]

I actually asked my GF for us to see her own therapist. I swear I thought this was a good idea. My GF was having episodes of tantrums directed at me, (for no rational reason.) I thought, maybe if we both went we would at least get some progress on her anger issues. Well, surprise, surprise, her therapist, had never heard of her anger issues! She had been seeing her for months! She asked me, “So, what are you doing to make her angry?” Huh? It takes two to tango, but sometimes, it has nothing to do with you. Some BS thing that happened in her childhood and now I just happen to be the person in front of her. I had to bail, it was taking it’s toll mentally and physically on me.

[@TheFelzix]

I left my first girlfriend for a similar reason: she kept verbally attacking me for no reason. It got to the point that I felt like if I stayed with her, I'd be permanently indifferent to women's emotions. Hers were random, intense, and usually directed at me. I just couldn't react anymore, good or bad.

[@xeroprotagonist]

I had kind of the opposite experience with an ex, she insisted that we go together to her therapist because she thought her therapist would resolve our conflicts in her favor, but after I explained what had actually been going on in our relationship that she had never mentioned in therapy, the therapist wound up taking my side in everything and telling her that she was acting irrationally and violating healthy boundaries and that I had 'the patience of a saint' in dealing with her. I'm sure you can imagine how my ex reacted to this - it was not with humble self-reflection.

[@DnBastard]

been with two women who did that. didn't end well and then i got with my current girlfriend who has never done that for no reason. Also a better girlfriend in every single way and a better person. Hope you find a better woman

[@zaria135]

None of you are ready for a relationship. If you continue to view your future girlfriends issues as “childhood BS”, you def never gonna have a successful relationship. And as long as she continues to project her pain onto others to fix, she’ll remain unsatisfied.

[@scorpixel1866]

​@@zaria135Ah, the classic "it's both sides' fault" to appear morally superior and hide the fact that you actually support the losing party of the argument.

[@clintondoan6293]

My parent's tried couples counseling, my father was treated so poorly by the counseling my mom ended up going off the woman and ending it. Keep in mind mom wanted to go, now she advised all her sons against it. She vilified my dad while supporting my moms bad behavior. Mom used to hit dad, knew its an issue but counselors asked dad how he would fix it. Mom found herself a therapist and they are now mostly happy and no punches thrown.

[@Laissez-faire402]

Good on your mom for having integrity in this situation and recognizing where she needed to become a better person.

[@CreativityNull]

If he had said he hit her in a session, the police probably would have immediately been called, but I guess it's fine the other way around.🤦‍♀️ In this scenario I don't think anyone should have called the police since the aggressive party is the one trying to fix themselves, it just seems likely that if a man admitted to it, regardless of the circumstances, the police would have been called. Good on your mother for realizing she was having issues herself and trying to get help. That's hard to do. Also good on her for telling the bad therapist off. Sexism sucks no matter where it comes from, and all too often sexism against men gets ignored.

[@NotTheManicMan]

sometimes all you need is someone commending your bad behaviour for you to realize how wrong it is. you get used to all the "why didn't you do this?" and "you shoudn't do that." to the point where it all sounds like the same crap- meaningless negative garbage. but when you hear someone else justifying those kinds of actions, your brain's confirmation bias kicks in and makes you listen... and you realize what and arse you've been.

[@natural_20s]

It sounds like your mom was genuinely trying to get better-I’m glad she was able to recognize the shitty behavior of the therapist

[@mustang8206]

Good on your mom for getting help

[@gavinm7017]

I got super lucky, my therapist allowed me to communicate things very bluntly and she ended up kicking me out of her office because she said and I quote "you have the tools you need stop using me as a crutch" and any time I feel like I'm struggling again that line keeps me afloat because I remember I have the skills, I don't need to go to the doctor ik if I scrape my knee to put a bandaid on it

[@ianvw7729]

I'm a veteran and I have given up on the VA for my mental and emotional health. I've literally had doctor's who threw a book at me and said "finish this book and you'll be better). Others never engaged much. I think you've hit the nail on the head. I wish the VA would utilize this information etc.

[@VandroiyIII]

For what it's worth, the right book can radically change your perspective. So even if it wasn't right for you, I wouldn't presuppose that the attempt was a bad one in general.

[@JDWDMC]

@@VandroiyIII It is. It's worked for someone else for that Dr. It's disingenuous and it means the professional hasn't engaged with the person. I've had the same done to me. "Here, read this book about a famous Psychiatrist and Philosopher who developed a way to find meaning in life in the worst possible circumstances thanks to concentration camps and the obvious aftermath." Thanks, Doc, got it, my struggles pale into insignificance in the face of this and I need to man up.

[@able34bravo37]

I became a therapist in large part because of my experiences at the VA.

[@gmansard641]

VA has been fine for my psychiatric treatment. For years I got my psycho medication there, and when it became less and less effective my doctor arranged TMS treatment, which went well and I am no longer on medication. But for psychotherapy the VA is useless. All I got was a barrage of questions: "What does that mean? What is that about? What are you going to do about it? Stop saying 'I don't know.' " Infuriating, it felt like an interrogation. The final straw was the last time I saw him, I mentioned my fear that I would never feel any better, that these awful feelings would never leave. He said "you might have to accept that." I almost walked out on the spot. What's the point of trying if it's not going to make you feel better? As if I was wrong for dreading the prospect of feeling depressed forever. The medical angle has been fine though. Medication worked for a long time, and that doctor is great. TMS made a difference, and I feel much better. But therapy has never done anything, I've tried it several times in and out of the VA and it just doesn't work for me.

[@able34bravo37]

@@gmansard641 the VA does have some ability to throw pills at a problem. I say "some" because they've managed to screw up mine many many times, and I know an awful lot of people who have had the same happen to them.

[@Mainstayjay]

Tried therapy, starting during Covid into late 2021. Ended up feeling more unsure of myself than ever. They kept prescribing different meds and putting me through these 1-10 questionnaires that felt like they were trying to entrap me. The meds made me feel like crap but their response to that was to try even more meds. In early 2022 I bought a bicycle on a whim and started biking everywhere instead of driving. Something about strenuous exercise and eating a strictly healthy diet did way more for me than anything else I tried before. I started bike touring and staying at campgrounds at night. Pitching a single person tent and lighting campfires and just staring at the stars. Eventually I met other bicyclists and started to feel like I was part of a community that valued me. I still don't have many close friendships but I am not as bothered by it as I was before. If I start feeling down I jump on that bike and push like hell. In about an hour I start to feel so much better mentally. I'm done talking to therapists about my mental issues, it's an endless anxiety pit that only makes it worse. I'm close enough to 40 now and in better physical shape than I have been in my entire life. My mental state is getting better as well. I don't know what the future holds, if I will fall down into feeling bad mentally again but so far, hard exercise and a healthy diet has worked well for me.

[@ihh2921]

Congrats on your progress, you're doing great! Hope you find some cool people on the road

[@Vousie]

If they were prescribing you meds then you weren't seeing a therapist. You were probably seeing a psychiatrist. Those tend to do exactly this - the only thing they're actually thinking is "which pills can I prescribe to you and tell you it'll fix all your problems if you keep buying it for the rest of your life."

[@Mainstayjay]

@@Vousie I saw a therapist weekly over that time but yes I had to see a psychiatrist to be put on meds. I saw the psychiatrist after my therapist recommended that I might benefit from meds. Not on any meds currently though.

[@Mainstayjay]

@@ihh2921 thank you, I hope so too.

[@acasianBitrate]

If your healthcare professional prescribes you meds without thoroughly examining your circumstances, they are not a healthcare professional, but a drug dealer.

[@ChrisGuiley]

Wow, in 8 minutes you explained what i felt but havent been able to vocalize in 30 yrs

[@ericthompson3982]

I'm extremely fortunate that i am surrounded by male friends who are emotionally available and nurturing, and we can talk to each other about what we're experiencing in the world. Not one of us would ever consider running the others down for having an emotional experience. We hug each other when we need it, we let each other cry when we need it, and we listen. And at no point do we question each others' masculinity. It's just alright for us to have an emotional life.

[@rkozakand]

Bravo.

[@-haclong2366]

As a man you can always be more emotionally open with male friends, generally speaking I'd say don't talk about any negative emotions you feel to your female friends, I used to approach this with an open mind and while women like to be heard, they don't like listening, men like communicating in more ways than women and you often get a better experience from men.

[@xraselver7634]

@@-haclong2366 Well those are all massive stereotypes and even encourage exactly said stereotypes. My experience and the ones of everyone I know contradict yours completely.

[@ericthompson3982]

@Gyrfalcon312 You are not wrong, my friend.

[@ohioanempire]

A fortunate son?

[@oddtherapy8919]

The bit about being bullied and having to fix the problem hit so close to home for me. I was bullied as a kid and I tried telling the teachers, the school principals, even my mom and NO ONE gave a shit. She and some of the teachers even suggested I was making it up to get attention (yes, my mom wasn't exactly a great person at times). People don't want young boys or men to articulate their feelings, they expect them to fix whatever's troubling them and if they don't they will judge and resent them. So one day I took matters into my own hands and punched the fucker in the belly, never bothered me again. But it says a lot about society that we treat men and boys with such disregard as if they didn't feel anything or suffered at all .. That's how you end up with generations of men who can't seem to be vulnerable around anybody and then people complain that we're not opening up enough when they've been treating us like second class citizens our whole lives. The same people who tell us our feelings are important are also those who are unwilling to acknowledge how much we suffer. That's why we keep to ourselves.

[@disgruntledtoons]

Actually DOING something about school bullying would require skills and discernment that most public school employees lack.

[@davidperson9288]

As someone that was bullied bad enough where I ended up in the hospital because I was attacked in art class... your statements kinda hit a sore spot for me. I told the teachers, the guidance counselor, and the assistant principal... but nothing would make them care. I told my parents, of course, but there wasn't much they could do. To this day, I can't sit with my back to large crowds, or to people I know don't like me...

[@oddtherapy8919]

@@davidperson9288 I am so sorry to hear that brother. I understand why you’re wary when in huge crowds, I’m always on the lookout too. I try to tell myself everyone else around me has suffered one way or another and do my best to include and acknowledge them when I see someone who’s scared or afraid to talk to strangers. If I’m the only one feeling this way I’ll struggle to open up but when I see someone similar suddenly I don’t feel that way anymore because I know I’m not alone. Helping someone out is the best medicine !

[@oddtherapy8919]

@@disgruntledtoons Unfortunately, I agree. Worst part is when you finally break and that’s when the school staff finally opens their eyes and now they blame you for fighting back, because in their eyes you’re the one who lashed out. Had this happen to me so many times I swear I fucking hated this school. School staff aren’t taught how to handle bullying at all and it’s heartbreaking.

[@theworstcatholic7247]

@@oddtherapy8919 That's where good fathers help so much, my pops always told me that if I was being bullied and the staff did f all about it, to fight back. Even if I lose it'd be enough trouble they'd likely go for weaker prey and even if I got in trouble he'd take me out to go get some ice cream and I wouldn't be trouble at home. Now to be fair I have a badass retired navy seal for a dad. But a good father teaches their sons how to defend themselves, bullies often being the first lesson in this.

[@potaterjim]

The reason men don't "talk about our emotions" is that we constantly have our emotions invalidated. In my experience, I have never once felt better for "getting things off my chest", because of all the trite, presumptive, condescending, invalidating comments I receive. 90% of the time, telling someone about my issues just makes me feel _worse._ Saying "well you just have to find someone who will actually listen" is the same thing as telling the rat in the maze "you just have to find the cheese that isn't hooked up to electricity"

[@stephenkoranteng6260]

That's horrible, man :( Any feeling you have should be validated. Hope you find people to listen to you, mate!

[@paulhopkins1905]

​@@stephenkoranteng6260Any feelings should be validated? Like all of them?

[@stephenkoranteng6260]

@@paulhopkins1905 Well, not the ones that can do people harm or if it's nonsensical. Yeah, I guess I was being a bit vague with my last comment. My bad 🤷🏽‍♂️ 😆

[@AndyRock1]

I feel this deeply. There are only two women in this world that validate my feelings. One is my wife fortunately. My own mother is not one of them. I get the invalidation from my mother and sister. I need to work harder and buck up if I express the challenges I go through.

[@th3n3wk1dd]

This. I have been told this all growing up. now don't get me wrong, I have surrounded myself with better people and friends that do not do this. but that still doesn't mean I have the memory of growing up being told "it doesn't matter".

[@AngryManSki]

100% Correct 👍🏾. You’ve identified a problem that I thought was unique to me, but it’s not. I need to understand the situation, problem fully before I can solve it. Therapist, psychologist simply wanted me to talk about my feelings which wasn’t helpful at all. I’ve had more success with books and KZbin videos which is a fng shame.

[@phil-o-phobic8608]

My girlfriend and I have gotten into doing the “I’m at 50% today” thing to generally speak on our current mood without having to always get into more detail (which can be challenging for me). Spending hours of my day talking about my feelings rather than doing something about them always makes me anxious after a while. Not because I’m afraid or ashamed to articulate my feelings, but because talking either increases my anxiety of a seemingly insurmountable situation, or, alternatively, sparks breakthroughs in my mind that I want to execute immediately. So the “mood battery” technique gives us an idea of where we’re at and allows us to immediately change how we interact with one another (more sensitivity, humor, tough love, etc.) without having to know (or agree with) exactly what the other is feeling. I’ve noticed at times that too much talking can sometimes lead to negative outcomes, like if I’m feeling something and I say something that my girlfriend takes offense to or disagrees with, now we’re arguing about that insignificant thing, completely ignoring the whole point of our conversation, and mutually piling on more stress than before. Sometimes we need time to figure out how to say what we’re feeling (me especially), and trying to talk it out right away can be just as ineffective as attempting to tackle a problem without a proper strategy, or at least sparing a thought for the potential consequences. Since we’ve tried the mood battery thing, our arguments have decreased in frequency and intensity, which I’m grateful for because I love her and hate when our team is divided over trivial stuff. As for me personally, meditation, going for walks, exercising, and making music all help with managing my emotions and keeping them in check. I want to try therapy (when I can properly afford it), but I do realize I’ll need my own support system of sorts to effectively use any techniques I’d learn from therapy. I’m trying to do some of the heavy lifting myself, rather than relying on a stranger to “fix me.” Hopefully that could lead to more meaningful discoveries, better stress management, and social evolutions.

[@jndvs95]

Personally for me, talking about problems without offering solutions just stresses me out more than anything. My wife makes the assumption a lot of times that if im not talking about a problem, i must be ignoring it while it is moreso the exact opposite. If ive been thinking about a problem for the last 2 days and finally get my brain focused on something else, the last thing i want is someone else then coming in and pestering me about why i havent solved that problem yet

[@snoookie456]

I managed to explain to my gf the "I'm at 1 health" expression that we had in PC gaming clubs when I was a teen and we played a lot of Counter Strike. Every time she is worried about me being in a certain mood - distant, quiet, annoyed, anxious or pretty much anything I've been feeling as the norm for most of my life, I just say "I'm at 1 health" and that would mean "let's just shut the fuck up about it and do something that would actually put me in a better mood instead of just sit around for hours, talk about feelings and argue over some stupid issue that can't be solved anyway". It kinda helps.

[@cewla3348]

@@snoookie456 i cant do that because half my conversations would end with "i'm on 1 hp" because i'm mentally fucked

[@phil-o-phobic8608]

​@@snoookie456 I fuck with that. I think there's some benefit in men using the short, straightforward approach when it comes to expressing how we feel. Long, drawn out conversations tend to hit peak-benefit way earlier for us than for women (imo), and we tend to require some sort of action over introspection or emotional bonding. It kinda reminds me of how expressive we were as kids whenever we felt some type of way, even if we didn't have the words we'd wear our feelings on our faces and in our body language. Gotta prioritize men finding the adult form of that and making our loved ones aware of how best to communicate with us.

[@martynbrown8210]

Couples counselling was HEAVILY biased towards blaming the guy and believing the woman. The counsellor was reinforcing her narcissistic traits and I got steamrollered. It didn't save our relationship just made it worse.

[@Pocket_Fox]

Your mistake was agreeing to go in the first place.

[@braken63]

Sadly,we only know your side of the story. I've seen couple counseling work,mostly narcissistic men and females tired of playing mom. Not that it can't happen the other way,it does.

[@martynbrown8210]

@braken63 well in my case my partner had to be mom as her daughter is not mine. The issue is really that the counsellor should stay neutral. They didn't know me nor my partner and yet they seemed to form an opinion before i even spoke. They were shouting me down so I left and lodged a complaint against them. Completely unwilling to listen to anything I had to say because I had kept quiet and allowed my partner to speak.

[@braken63]

@@martynbrown8210 it does sound very rough. In a case like that,it's not couple therapy that's needed,but individual therapy for her. That being said,a narcissist going there for more than a couple sessions is something very hard to accomplish. Still,very nice of you to even try. Sorry if i came across as if trying to diminish your particular case,I just see a lot of shit in my region and wanted to share that point of view.

[@martynbrown8210]

@braken63 yeah, i don't really want to go into stuff that's private to her. She's been through enough before i was there. She just can misinterprete stuff i do and i get lumped in with the " all men are b's**ds" narrative.

[@Kootzo89]

As a man who's now 35 and been in therapy and diagnosed a few times with depression and anxiety essentially since my dad passed away when I was 12, there's absolutely nothing that helped me more than concrete actions. I met a few therapist, both men and women. Admittedly the men therapist seem to have connected better with me. But still my issue was and still is sometimes of coming to some form of epiphany that would explain X trauma or Y reaction but then just standing there and going: Cool.... Cool... Now what? Wth do I do with this? And most therapists would look at me like omg that's amazing you made so much progress.. no I haven't actually, I just gave myself something to mentally mast***ate myself to but I still don't know what to do about it. Until I met my current therapist, ex military overall bad a** type of guy who basically told me well.. that's a load of bull, here's what were gonna do, I'll give you tasks, missions if you will and through accomplishing those, you will earn tools to deal with whatever ails you and sure enough, started with the basics, get some proper sleep, move, eat right, lift heavy stuff, then look back, alright, that's a W, that's some progress now i'm ready for more and then slowly but surely everything seems to fade away and when something triggers me I react much differently, I got a confidence I never had before that whatever happens as long as I stick to the basics, I'll be fine. Mind you that therapist was the first one to tell me what I always kind of knew which is that man and woman psyches are not the same. When he was treating vets that came back, he said just talking about feelings was very Cathartic for the women soldiers who came back and the relapse rate was very low whereas for most men it did jacks... And the relapse rate was astronomical until he started implementing action based therapy as he calls it. Whatever it is man.. it works.

[@daytonasixty-eight1354]

Most men are depressed because something is slowing their "progress." Whatever that progress may be and whatever that "thing" is that is hampering them. In your case it could be emotional pain from losing you dad is keeping you from achieving greater success. Some men don't even realize they are trying to achieve something. It's biological nature for man to conquer, explore, achieve, quest, and bond. Modern society severely hampers men. Your therapy addressed the natural instinct of man. You went out to make progress on goals. Men much more quickly than women realize the past is behind them. You'll never get over your father passing, nor should you. But you've been given the tools to realize it is a waste of time to dwell on sadness and that ultimately your father would want you to carry on as a successful man. You will find countless examples of men who have had serious trauma in their life but really have "gotten over it" because every day they progress at something. They work toward a goal. This is a big part of why being a husband and father is fulfilling and a natural instinct of ours.

[@AustinRBa]

Damn right man. Had some stuff going on in late teens early 20s, female therapist just wanted to talk things out, and I had the same experience as you. Ok, cool, we've talked about stuff. But I really need to DO stuff to feel better. Quit going when it was obvious all I was getting was things to think about (which is a living hell) and not getting actual things to DO. I don't want to feel sorry for myself, I want to be a better person, and that means getting things done. Spent several years working that out on my own and I'm much better for it.

[@lycheemyusic]

I am a woman in her 20s. I feel the exact same. I KNOW what is wrong with me. I KNOW what needs to change. But I don't know how; I need to know what skills, actions, etc I should do to get over my trauma etc. Most therapists are psychotherapists who only engage in arbitrary talk therapy. This does NOT help me. I need something structured. There needs to be concrete ideas and actions to practice and work toward. And I need someone who actually comes to a conclusion and then says "here's what is it and here's what we're gonna do." It seems so many therapists never even reach that conclusion in the first place.

[@josephbrown9685]

Action based self therapy ended up working better for me than talking to any therapist ever did. I started exercising regularly, particularly running, and I still do it to this day many years later. It has done wonders for me.

[@ShadowMonk609]

Western culture is very goal based Focused, so it can help a lot to have some goals while fixing in integrating emotions. Makes a lot of sense.

[@Konoshiyo]

Somatic Therapy (with IFS) has helped me so much.

[@Plasmafox]

The intersection of a provider shortage, overcentralization of the industry around behaviorism, and uneven availability of services(distribution of providers, economics, etc) makes even the most common alternatives like IFS inaccessible for most people.

[@manfrombritain6816]

started therapy like 2 months ago and i'm personally very surprised how much good it's doing me. since several years ago i've always felt that i had no problem crying - i recently cried in front of friends after a break up. i wasn't ashamed at all. i said to them "i won't find another [her name]..." and sort of sniffled and shed a tear. my friend's wife then said "yes and she won't find another [my name] either." and i broke down into proper ugly crying. men NEVER get told this kind of stuff. nobody wants to make us feel special or valued. we have to 'take' or demand value and for many of us that's just not our personality. but in the case of these 2 friends... wow during all this they have made me feel loved and cared for. i have been pretty open and honest with other friends in the last few years too. my therapist isn't saying anything i don't think my friends could say. but it's not about that. it's about context. even though me and my friends are more open than most people, i STILL hold back a lot on what i want to say because i KNOW it affects my status and how people perceive me. with the therapist it's a different context. he is obligated to listen, to understand, to give help - and all in a completely detached way. there is no fear during therapy cos there are no negative repercussions for experiencing and expressing my emotions. experssing emotions? what is this foreign idea? he recently helped me to identify locked-up feelings by getting in touch with my body. i had zero awareness i was even doing it, i just knew that i didn't feel "right". to me it was like an anxious/tense feeling in my chest. he walked me through it and got me to speak to my own body with compassion (i was like wtf is this?) and within about 2 minutes i was almost literally vomiting up emotion and crying like fuck. i could feel it coming up my throat. COMPASSION... for MYSELF? what? it was like an alien concept. since i started therapy i've been ugly crying for about 30 seconds at a time once or twice a day. that same tense feeling just builds up out of nowhere and now i know to communicate with my body. the tears come, then they go, and i feel free again. I think i have a lot of old stuff to allow to come to the surface

[@bagabagaboss]

Wow, man thats a lot, but it's so awesome! Im truly happy for you, and happy that you have such friends!

[@mariamaldonado9268]

Im really happy for you. You are giving yourself the opportunity to be aware of your emotions. Over the time your body will be more used to feel emotions and you’ll feel more comfortable and cry less. I recently broke up with my boyfriend because of problems of emotional intelligence and I would have loved accompanying him in his emotional awareness. But for him, his emotional awareness were not part of his priority 😢 in our relationship. I would love more men give themselves the opportunity to dive into themselves and their emotions. Conversations become more meaningful when we talk about vulnerability. There was a time that I had difficulties expressing my emotions but I learned in therapy as you mentioned, being aware of the feeling of my emotions in my body, compassion to myself, I worked as well in my self talk and by myself searching for better vocabulary. I strongly believe this is not just a men problem but I totally agree there’s a collective wound related to neglecting emotions in the male society.

[@DanDanOreo]

very nice description of your process. i resonate and feel happy for you.

[@lesath7883]

Friends like that are treasures. Thanks for sharing your experience. You won't find another [her]. But you may find someone else who makes your world shine. And you deserve it.

[@Sewblon]

I still can't ugly cry after years of therapy.

[@AROAH]

I just dropped my first therapist because he wasn’t giving me any real feedback or guidance. It felt like he would essentially respond to my long diatribes with generic platitudes, and he was essentially telling me things I already knew, just in a flowery way. I appreciate encouraging to go to at least three therapists before giving up. It’s a nice reminder that, just like primary care, not all therapists are right for you. That doesn’t mean the practice of therapy isn’t right for you.

[@johnatanasov8266]

I actually had good luck with mine, dropped my 1st one because her style was too different to what my mind could play around with (she had more of a visual way of doing it, with figures and actually generating a story on a table, didnt work at all for me), my 2nd one though..... its like she speaks my language, even if i have a very weird physical response to something (some odd tell signs i didnt know existed) she actually helps me identify the emotions thats causing it, asks me if thats correct, and starts digging into parts in my life where i felt similar, now she has been my therapist for abit over 3 years and i couldnt be happier. (abit of backstory to know why i actually go, rough childhood where i was locked up for 18 years by a emotionally unavailable schizophrenic mother, my father wasnt around at all, so i never learned to actually be human)

[@SuperGoose42]

My first therapist was like this. She was nice, but not helpful. My second (and current) therapist is under the table, and she is MUCH better. She doesn't tell me things, she asks me things. She asks me the right questions to help interpret my feelings and desires, it's worked wonders. And sessions are scheduled by me, not weekly, so I only have an appointment when I have something to talk about.

[@Volkbrecht]

There is no inherent filter for smart or attentive. Anyone who wants to go through the education and can endure it gets to be a therapist. And they get paid regardless of the outcome, so with the current shortage of therapists in my country there is no filter for success, either. Which really sucks if you are somewhat intelligent and have already spent some time brooding over and researching about your problems. The more you know, the better you can trick yourself into believing you're hopeless case.

[@miketyson9540]

That's literally all they do its a made up job. There is literally a total of ZERO evidence for therapies efficacy. All the modalities they sue are "equally" as effective as the next one they make up. Todays hot shit is CBT tomorrows will be some other nonsense.

[@Swearengen1980]

@@Volkbrecht Shortage? I live in a smallish city and there are dozens available. I went through 5 or 6 before I found the one that works for me, which was speaking from a logical and scientific level of PTSD, addiction, etc. and not emotional jibberish like, "let's discuss your childhood". I had one hippie that replied to my, "My childhood was awesome, I don't need to discuss that. I KNOW when and what caused my spiral - I fucking died. Painfully. And I remember every second of it, I can still feel it" and she insisted that I still needed to talk about my childhood. Uhhhhh, what? Nope.

[@junkinthebrain]

I'm a marriage and family therapist, and this is one of the most helpful videos I have seen in a long time. I truly appreciate the time that you took to make this video!

[@oldjarhead386]

Then you weren’t a very good therapist to start with! Think of the lives you may have damaged.

[@Julian-qs8xq]

I’m a young man who has been seeing a therapist for many years now. Probably due to how my parents raised me I don’t have much trouble articulating my feelings. My therapist is a great guy, gives a lot of good advice but never oversteps. It’s nice to have an extra source of support when you need it.

[@matakm8749]

One thing my therapist did with me was to connect my emotions with bodily feelings, like, realizing stuff like "when I'm anxious, that feels like a tightness in my throat, my stomach feeling weird...". and then in future sessions she wouldn't ask about emotions, she would ask about the bodily feelings. I didn't really understand why we did that, but now I can see where she was coming from. she was trying to ground my feelings, presumably because she had experience with other men being unable to speak their emotions.

[@corpo9310]

Thank you for this anecdote! It's the same for me

[@akshargajjar8135]

For anyone wondering what he said 5:30 He basically said "Judge you don't understand, my wife drinks a lot of alcohol and then she slaps me, but I can't slap her back so what am I supposed to do in that situation?"

[@danial23mt]

Objection overruled!

[@tassoevan]

HOW CAN SHE SLAP

[@Rose_Harmonic]

​@@tassoevanwith one of her hands

[@devendratalreja9445]

The comment I was looking for. For a while when Dr. K spoke in Gujarati, I thought I was hallucinating and had to rewind the video to listen again😂

[@richerDiLefto]

Interesting!

[@MemeProphet]

As a person with severe CPTSD, this video finally made me feel heard. Thank you. I hope many find this video. Bless you.

[@NathanielMcCaffrey]

@@sparklesparklesparkle6318 lol

[@MemeProphet]

@@sparklesparklesparkle6318 lgbtcryptid lmfao

[@LogicProXGaming]

Thank you. I'm not quite sure what for, but really appreciated this

[@malcolm_in_the_middle]

For me it's even worse. As a teen, I was kicked out of class for misbehaving, and I was upset about it. A passing teacher saw me being upset, and told me to report to the school guidance counsellor to talk about it. My first (and only) experience with therapy felt like it was a punishment. I really have no desire to ever go back to therapy.

[@zacablaster]

When I was around twelve, I was mandated anger management counseling by my school's woefully incompetent guidance counselor. My best friend Anna had punched me because I deserved it, for a dumb joke, so I gave her a tap back. We both laughed and shared our lunches. But a school employee saw the hit, so it became a disciplinary issue. Anna is tiny, the smallest girl in our grade. I'm a huge dude and the teacher immediately decided it was a fight and that I had started it, then threw everything they could at me. In spite of the 'victim' telling admin to fuck off and leave her friend alone, I was forced into my first mental healthcare experience-- as a pariah. A big boy who hit a little girl, how much more shameful could it get? These days I'm just glad my parents had the money to pay for the 'anger management classes', because in spite of the school mandate, it was not paid for by the district. The therapist met with me and after about five minutes was trying to get me to join his kendo class, because he was an excellent mentor and realized I might have benefited from some more exercise. Overall they made me like psych docs more, but trust a lot of other adults less, especially public servants who work education mental health services

[@HesGotaGun505]

You made the right choice to stay away. Therapists are just scammers from white-collar families.

[@Eric-dd8bk]

Well, you misbehaved in the first place and they probably were actually scolding you as they should.

[@michaellovinon3467]

​@@Eric-dd8bkmistakes are bound to happen but what's important is what happens after

[@truthlemonade9793]

Wait, was speaking to the school guidance counsellor your "one and only experience with therapy?" If so, you think that it "felt like it was a punishment"? That certainly is one way of looking at it. Look, you were kicked out of class for being disruptive. You make no attempt to make a case that you did not deserve this. What was the teacher's intention? "This kid is making it impossible for the other kids to learn, I need this kid out of here to teach this class." Given the choice between sitting in the hallway stewing, for any passerby to see me, or speaking to the guidance counselor, I think that seeing the counselor is without question preferable. Would you prefer the "passing teacher" saw that you were upset and thought or even said, "This is what you get"?

[@bluicarys732]

As a combat veteran, I have never heard a more insightful look into therapy for me. Ive gone through a lot of therapist over the years, and never once have I been given a lesson in how to actually speak to them, and ive always felt like we were getting nowhere. I look forward to watching more of these videos.

[@Neckphone]

I wish you the best man.

[@endebtedone]

your hugging comment really hit me. After I got back from my deployment, I was in the Army in the Infantry. I started seeing a therapist and after we were done and before i walked out of his office he always gave me a hug. I didn't grow up with a dad and never had a man tell me he was proud of me so it was really awkward but I went along with it. Man, let me tell you how much of an impact that had on me. I was just driving around yesterday and thinking about what I would tell someone who would ask me what I wanted for Christmas. All I want is a hug. A real true deep heartfelt hug. I remember my Gram and I would give each other bear hugs when I was growing up and always resonated so much with me. my friends and I always hug each other now when we see each other. I guess it is the bro code for saying I love you and sharing an intimate moment without words. I have done extensive work on understanding how and what I am so that when I used to go to therapy I would give this diatribe explaining how I am and what my boundaries are and what my red flags are. They would always give the cookie cutter answers and reassure me that I was in good hands and then proceed to step all over the boundaries and shoot the red flags sky high. I would try and talk to them but they would double down and tell me my perspective didn't matter. I have fired all of them and continue to work on on myself daily and watching folks like yourself.

[@tanoshimei4074]

i didnt grow up with a dad either but i got a Twin brother, i realized when i read this comment how much it helped me just being in physical contact with him, not even just hugging even things like shaking hands and stuff like that. I dont got any Male relatives so it feels like hes the only Person in my Family that can really understand me.

[@manboy4720]

who knew that giving a guy the old two-arm body-press could be so pleasant?

[@fotis3v480]

I feel you with the hug I'm anti social and i always put up my snob mask to avoid interacting with people but when i meet one of the very few actual friends i have and give them the bro hug my world lights up. Funny how something so simple can take away all the weight of your psyche..even when I was in relationships hugging was one of the things I always sought big spoon small spoon didn't matter the hug was it.

[@doug-low-carb]

For me it took social activities like church groups to learn to appreciate hugging. It very much helps.

[@AttacMage]

I'd just gone off to college recently and one of the greatest feelings about going home or even leaving was getting a hug from my dad. I think I grew to understand how much they helped me when my cousin (she's only a few months younger than me, so we're quite close) would give me a hug when we'd meet during my first year here. She's not attending currently, so I've noticed their absence for sure. I generally feel quite uncomfortable hugging anyone else, though. I abstain from doing so with friend of mine who I've known and been with since we were toddlers. His dad's been gone for years, so I wonder if it'd help him. I don't know, though. As close as we are, we never really talk about the hard stuff since I think we're both too afraid of the others' perception.

[@bodytrainer1crane730]

Nice video. I am a woman and all of this applies to me as well.....except for the negative expression of a positive affirmation.

[@RRak]

I am 100% behind testing a few therapists to find a fit. To my experience the differences were huge. One guy constantly pissed me off with forcing his assumptions on me. One girl was just unbearable with her lack of understanding of my intent. Then I found a superb third therapist. She understands me extremely well and has helped me a lot to internalize some deep and much needed changes to my default reactions. After this experience I know there is no magic bullet. You know you have struck gold when you notice that your personality has been slightly changed for the better. It's all about getting unstuck from your defaults, that you often don't even realize. I am happy to say we made huge progress over the past 2 years.

[@Herpusderpus]

This is encouraging. I did my first appointment today and the dude showed up 20 minutes late with no idea that he had an appointment with me, and I felt like he didn’t respect my time at all. Not a good intro to therapy. But it’s good to be reminded that there’s always another therapist to try until I manage to strike gold.

[@doktorv7216]

I've been diagnosed with depression most of my life, and I've been acutely burned out since my career collapsed after the crash of 2008. Every psychology book I turned to since 2013 about depression, burnout, self loathing, all of them were written very clearly with the expectation that men would never read them, and these books wound up implying that men cannot have these problems because they are the source of these problems in women.

[@Pfuetz4]

The analysis of male priveleage, however much you agree with it at a societal level, has been detrimental at an individual level for male mental health discussions. These sociology based analysis basically take what Carl Jung calls, "the statistical man" to inform their worldview which, as your comment implies, actively silences someone like you trying to seek help.

[@Heyu7her3]

... so how did you arrive at the conclusion that men would never read them if they discuss the real occurrence of male privilege -- which 1) must also be brought into men's awareness for those issues to be dealt with, and 2) while not being THE cause of all the issues that individual women face... does actively contribute to collective and systemic issues? *That aside, books and information are not sufficient to address depression and mental illness.* It takes acombination of work with therapist(s), information, maybe meds, and other tactics.

[@doktorv7216]

@@Heyu7her3 The books I'm referring to did not mention in their titles, cover blurbs, or advertising that they were solely for women, but the text assumed the reader was a woman and only ever referred to men as the source of the problems facing women. I am aware that self-help material is relatively low effectiveness most of the time, but therapy for most of my life made me much worse due to a combination of simultaneous issues that most therapists were not equipped to handle, in some cases the therapists dropped me for their own mental health because my case was so overwhelming for them. I also had long periods of time when I couldn't find a therapist accepting new patients at all. I got better access to treatment once remote therapy became common.

[@midwinter78]

There's a time and a place for confronting men about privilege and its effects, and when they're seeking help for depression, self-loathing and burnout, that's kind of the opposite of the time and the place. Also, the various gender roles come with various upsides and downsides (see for example: this video), those upsides and downsides aren't distributed evenly throughout the population, and it can be very galling to be told you're privileged when you're suffering from the downside and it doesn't feel like a @&+! privilege.

[@bobobsen]

@Heyu7her3 this is insane. It's not depressed men locked in their apartment causing your problems in the world. It's people in charge who yes are by and large men. If you pathologize being male of course men aren't going to listen, especially men who are dealing with the same shit.

[@MrAlquimista666]

This is so validating. I used to go to teraphy and I was making progress, but it was difficult and slow since I'm a very reserved person with a lot going on on my mind. When I finally opened up about a relationship I had at the time and the fact that I was cheating and I felt awful and didn't even know why I was doing it and I wanted to figure it out and come clean to everyone involved, my therapist changed her tone so abruptly. She went from a very nice and understanding person to a very stern one. Her face had disgust in it and she almost immediately told me she was going on vacation and wouldn't see me for a few weeks. In that time I struggled all alone, feeling even worse than before. I came clean but it was messy and I just couldn't really explain what had happened. Everybody was hurt by my actions and I felt horrible, but at least it was over. That was almost 3 years ago. I haven't had any relationships (not even friends) since then, even when I had opportunities. I'm just too scared and I hate myself a lot. I know I deserve it, but I still feel sad that I went to therapy, despite it being so incredibly difficult asking for help, and then I was abandoned and it just confirmed that I am a piece of crap.

[@bigbluebuttonman1137]

People can come back from cheating. It's not an easy road, but I believe it can happen. Probably not with the people you were originally with, but a new partner. You already know what you did was wrong, I wouldn't give up on trying to find some way to resolve your issue. Therapy doesn't have to be an official channel; but if you do go through official channels, know that another therapist might be willing to work with you. For all you know, she could have been cheated on and felt she was not emotionally capable of continuing to be your therapist.

[@akiamini4006]

90% of therapists are sick in their minds and are in no place to treat others and thats a fact

[@unicornucopia1]

OUCH! First of all, I think it's awesome that you admit and own that you made a mistake. You made a mistake that a lot of people make - and few, in comparison, are willing to admit to. Cuz it's a taboo subject. But, infidelity is not a death sentence, it doesn't mean you are evil or unredeemable or unworthy of a romantic relationship. It means that there was/is a problem and you dealt with it, originally, in a dysfunctional way (by having an affair).... and then it all blew up in your face - in multiple ways. So I'm not judging you for messing up. I'm also not the karma police. I don't know what the answers or solutions are in your case, but I know they exist and they're out there. So, please, don't give up on yourself or on therapy or on eventually becoming ready for/capable of having a healthy relationship someday. Secondly, about that counselor: she is a human being, too. Human beings, regardless of their profession and training, are fallible and imperfect. And even counselors have issues which they struggle with. Even counselors screw up, including with clients. Sadly, it sounds like your confession caught her unprepared and quite possibly she had unresolved issues of her own which made that a difficult issue for her to help you with. It sounds like she was shocked and it threw her... and she lost her neutrality and didn't do so well in recomposing herself. It sucked for you, though. Very unfortunate. I hope you'll seek support and guidance again, cuz you're not a piece of crap; you're simply a person who screwed up and is now really stuck. No one, not even you, deserves to remain stuck and alone forever. Try again.

[@58847436]

That was not a good therapist. You deserve to be able to address your life, both the positives and negatives and get the help you seek. When a drug addict gets scolded for doing drugs, they know they are doing something wrong but being beat down for it makes it a lot less likely they'll be able to overcome it.

[@SakuraMoonflower]

I'm sorry your therapist judged you. That is the complete opposite of their job. :/ 😕😔 I'm glad things ultimately worked out for you on that front of ending that relationship.

[@rh1507]

Solving the problem is my first tactic. Actions always seem to relieve the problem instead of simply just taking about it.

[@sixoffcenter80]

I just remember this awful therapy session that my mom set me up with when I was a teen. It was like all the woman could say was "Well, what do you mean by that?". This was a long time ago so I don't remember exactly what the starting topic was, but after she asked what I met I tried to reword what I thought I had already articulated clearly, and then she hit me with another "Well, what do you mean by that?". That pretty much went on the whole session on loop with her never once asking any more specific clarifying questions to let me know what she didn't understand. The whole thing honestly felt like I was on some bad prank show.

[@andrijazavrtnik2411]

@@sixoffcenter80 you sure that wasn't Jordan Peterson?

[@StayHardened]

Oh man... i've gone to couples therapy and without fail, 100% of the time i feel this underlying sense of bias in the entire ordeal. My partner is able to express herself emotionally and gets all this empathy but i usually don't get empathy. It's horrible.

[@rw5622]

I feel the opposite tbh. I'm the man and I'm able to express my feelings and explain concepts and I get most of the attention while the ex wife gets tips on breathing exercises because she can't handle the mental strain. I think individuals really benefit from self reflection and finding ways to communicate in healthy ways.

[@kuhndj67]

I had a very odd couples therapy experience. I've never been to any sort of therapy except for one time when my wife (who has been to therapists on an off for many years to work on various things) asked me to go with her to couples therapy. When I was younger I was pretty negative on therapy in general (Engineer - I like deterministic sciences and dealing with humans is way to... squishy. I've gotten a lot more open over the years since then) but I went in with an open mind and shared my perspective on our challenges (which seemed like pretty normal married couple issues to me). The therapist listened and gave us some 'homework' which I did my part of - but oddly it was my wife (who has FAR more emotional self-awareness than I have) who shut the work down. The therapist gave us concrete/physical things to do (which worked for me... a checklist/to do list) and while she could talk about them... she struggled to turn the talk into actions. She also started feeling like the therapist was just taking my side in everything... maybe like she EXPECTED to have the upper hand but her therapist was actually pretty careful to connect in ways that worked for me too. Anyway that ended pretty quickly because my wife got very defensive and I've not considered going to one solo until recently. Still not exactly sure where to even start though... definitely feels like trying to play baseball not knowing the rules. Cricket... that's what it feels like... because the rules have been explained to me many times but they don't make any kind of sense.

[@sparaz]

​@rw5622 I haven't. I normally dominate conversations intellectually and cognitively. But I always feel like the therapist is taking my SO's side. From hearing this part of me thinks that it may just be unconscious prejudice. But I think more people are like he said and how Iam than your case. But I also wonder if there some other anomaly in your case

[@damidami5064]

@@sparaz Therapy isn't about understanding your intellect, it is about your feelings and understanding yourself. The reason why there is a bias, isn't because of your gender, it is because you think you can intellectually explain things, that require emotions to understand. Therapy helps you understand the "why". You are approaching something irrational, like emotions, with rationality and often times, when men do this, it comes across as condescending, because we can feel as if emotions are something we are above and not something worth taking into consideration. If you told someone not to touch fire and they stubbornly keep ignoring your advice, you would lose sympathy for the person and invest in someone who listens to you, correct? That is why, those who look at things "intellectually", don't receive sympathy, because you are not trying to understand your and your partner's emotions. Just like how you would feel, if someone used "feelings over facts". I hope I have made sense.

[@kianmeijnen4272]

@@sparaz "I normally dominate conversations intellectually and cognitively" leaves me with the impression that you are likely coming across as condescending. Remember who the expert is. You might also be railroading the conversation which could make you very hard to sympathise with.

[@yewknight]

One of the most difficult experiences as man in life is no one taking your feelings seriously. The couple of times I have tried therapy it just felt like I was paying someone to not take my feeling seriously. There was one beautiful exception. An old Buddhist psychiatrist who was deeply insightful the few times I got to see him before he retired.

[@jameswilkerson4412]

Do you know what kind of Buddhism he practiced? Did he recommend any books? I keep seeing social media posts about Buddhism and thinking “this is what I need,” but then I don’t follow through.

[@modernfabian]

@@jameswilkerson4412 second this. curious what kind of buddhism he practiced.

[@yewknight]

It was about a decade ago but I think it was zen.

[@IsiahTomas]

Most people don't care about my thoughts.

[@ravenvision222]

@@yewknightZen Buddhism is the closest to what I practice. Everything is nothing. Nothing is everything. Time takes place here and everywhere. You are not special, no one is special. We’re all quite lucky and unlucky to be apart of this miracle on earth. The meaning of life, is that there is NONE. Now what will you do with this information? I hope you find what you’re looking for. I recommend “Zen and Zen Classics Part 1”

[@gocubs1815]

In grad school, they beat into our brains "the strongest indicator of success in therapy is strength in therapeutic relationship"

[@doublecomplex4741]

I had pretty progressive parents who sent me to various therapists, but it wasn’t ever okay to show emotion around them. “You should talk to your therapist about that…”

[@rohanjarande]

😮

[@justcommenting4981]

Woaaaaaaa Very interesting. Silicon Valley weirdos?

[@nickbarber2080]

They were sub-contracting their parental responsibilities.

[@skarbuskreska]

That's fucked up. I have a friend that would really need therapy, but the fact that her parents made hervthe scapegoat and sent her to therapists in teen years, ki da made it impossible as she instantly goes into opposition and doesn't trust the therapist. She tried dufferent ones and it's always the same. From the things she was able to tell me, her parents were both fucked up and she was just a normal teenager without any real problems. Unfortunately her 2 brothers sided with the parents, her being the scapegoat took them out of the spotlight, and there's also some wealth to be inherited involved, so my friend is left alone to fight for herself with a block to therapists (that could help) inflicted by her parents. It's like a dead end and I really am scared that one day I might not hear back from her.

[@olmo4767]

it's an issue that's sadly very common nowadays, parents think that they can fullfill their duties as parents by contracting somebody else to do it. This is in part due to the excessive propaganda behind pyschotherapy and psychiatry, don't forget that those are paid services, the therapyst is not an altruistic, emphatetic individual who cares about out suffering and wants to help us, it's just their paid job, and as such, they'll try to convince as many people as possible that they need their services, even those who don't

[@solo1014]

My wife used to get pissed off when i couldnt "express" my feelings. Then when i finally got around to answering (typically months later), her jaw would drop with what she called "profound" analysis. After that happened a few times, she has learned patience when i cant "talk" about my feelings. The gym/workshop have been the best forms of therapy IMO

[@Nick_CF]

It's like trying to sprint underwater

[@mattr2626]

I've had two girlfriends and whenever I didn't talk about my own feelings they would say I need to express myself more. Then when I try to they complain that "they don't get to talk about themselves enough." It's a lose-lose situation talking about your feelings unless you're married

[@QMS9224]

Great comment. It seems like often they want us to open up not for us, but for themselves to feel that “vulnerability”. Complaining that we can’t express our feeling only exacerbates the problem…

[@xslayerz3093]

I think thats a good point. Its partially a selfish feeling they get on wanting to connect with their significant other by having a mutual vulnerability. I don't mean selfish in a bad way necessarily. Selfish in the sense of helping someone else and getting a good feeling out of it kinda way. @@QMS9224

[@LigmusCrotum]

@@xslayerz3093 trauma bonding

[@remymabboux6480]

I went to talk therapy once. It sucked. Then, after that, I got a life counselor. It was great. The difference between the two was the former was only reactionary, while the latter was proactive. With the former, I could only talk about things that had happened, while with the latter, I could look towards the future and make plans about how to act. I often liken myself to a cup that has water trickling into it. That water symbolizes stress. This gives me two ways to deal with my stress: 1.) Address the source of the problem (ie: limit the amount of water flowing in) 2.) Practice self care and rid myself of stress (ie: remove water from the cup) For me, that's what worked. Just talking about how I feel and wallowing I my own sadness doesn't fix anything. I don't want stopgap measures. I want robust fixes.

[@BaconDrive]

This is fantastic advice, thanks for sharing

[@davidjohn9006]

Some really helpful tips/information here. 👍🏼 As a counsellor for men & family relationships, my most effective connection approach has been educative-conversational, relating through common denominators [similar experiences], and a willingness to demonstrate, as a man, the ability to talk about, eg "when I had a similar experience, I felt like "xyz, abc, etc" and then "…and then " I learnt to deal with it in such a such way" [I call it walking the talk] … anyway, it’s complex, with many variants with each individual, though the fundamental basics have "worked" in probably 75-80% of those 100s of "clients" over the years … thanks for sharing your expertise and perspective 👍🏼✊🏼✊🏽✊🏾

[@HabibTheTurkish-io2jb]

I had two experiences with psychiatrists: The first one made my parents fight, saying that I was only getting into fights at school because I played video games (and not because I was bullied like hell HAHA). That was when I was about 13 At 20 I went to another one, when I told them about my problems, she said that I should look at people who suffer more than me and stop complaining. After that I never went back. There was a third, but this one didn't even listen to my problems and already wanted to put me on several prescription medications.

[@animealpha4795]

Ok so? Therapy bad?

[@HabibTheTurkish-io2jb]

Yes, exactly @@animealpha4795

[@kiq4767]

I was expecting one of them to have the answer

[@yucol5661]

@@animealpha4795 they aren’t therapists, they are psychiatrists. Terrible at people problems, good at “this person is schizophrenic/delirious” problems.

[@b0ba_884]

@@animealpha4795 yes

[@andriyyi]

As a man I saw a therapist for my first time while I was living in Denmark. For context, I'm from Eastern Europe and hadn't had ideal impressions or interactions with the healthcare system over there, so I went private, which was expensive, but things were hard and I felt I had to give it a shot, as it's the way to go around my neck of the woods. The therapist was a woman specializing in relationships and psycho-sexual disorders. I can't say the process helped completely and I do feel that eventually coming back to my own country and - after suffering a while - biting the bullet and visiting a clinical psychiatrist provided me with more clarity and solutions, but she did identify some OCD tendencies which I feel set me on the right path and gave me value for money. What I remember fondly was how calm and understanding she was, making me so at ease to talk about pent up problems. For what it's worth, it turned out she was also originally from a country in Eastern Europe so I don't know if that gave me the impression of a bond or perhaps made me feel more connected and secure. And she figured out how to help me in a psycho-somatic way. In one session, she showed me a breathing technique she first demonstrated on herself, where she guided me with her voice to visualize my inner state during a breathing exercise. I have to admit that when she did it for the first time, by the time the exercise ended I was in tears. She gave me a recording to do it at home and it had a similar effect. So I think that there are no magical solutions but there are things that can help.