Why the Fearful Avoidant 'Ghosts' Others

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In this video I'll talk about the fearful avoidant might 'ghost' others.
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Thank you for watching!

[@n0s447]

2:13 start

[@redvelvetcakeYUM]

Thanks 🙏🏾

[@welutha]

I ghosted usually when I felt my boundary was violeted and I did not trust myself to be assertive enough about it - usually because it was not the first violation or the person violated other boundaries in the past. It took me a long time to realize people have different boundaries and I have to state mine clearly and consistently. The realization that someone neglecting to do something might be a boundary violation was also a game changer for me. I am struggling still with this and sometimes need a day or two to communicate what I feel and need exactly, but I no longer leave people hanging or cut them off without an explanation. Two years ago this level of vulnerability was impossible for me to imagine. It's a slow and painful process but it's really worth it, I'm starting to feel like an actual person now, who might be respected, worried about and missed. This feeling is what really makes me want to continue to communicate instead of disappearing like a ghost.

[@colorfullyme]

wow. what a beautiful comment. I am sure you and those around you are reaping the rewards of all the work you have put in. always growing! :D

[@childoflight3388]

You literally explained how I have been for most of my life. Lol Thank you for putting that into words. I am on this healing journey as well.

[@ethicalbunny]

Yes!!! Sometimes boundaries can be violated through neglect!! I ghost people a lot still although I’m trying to heal …. I don’t feel bad though I always will try and communicate multiple times first and then I would just rather block them than deal with the conflict

[@macbookbackup7041]

Yeah truly sometimes we don’t know or we would have respected it . Glad you are able to say that now, someone who cares will adapt

[@hamzahkhan4319]

the problem with most of you FAs is that you don’t even communicate your boundaries so they are just imaginary lines to a partner

[@NicoleLam]

being on the receiving end of this was so painful. I wish all FAs the best of luck on their journey to healing :)

[@21lessons56]

Sorry from FAs. Thanks for trying to understand us.

[@jasminerivard3455]

❤️

[@cornblaque2310]

Sorry. Painful for us too. :/

[@AM-nx2vm]

If they bother with healing.

[@samia6528]

@@AM-nx2vm I mean, we’re here for a reason.

[@wave8867]

Ghosting really is just not acceptable, at all. People need to realise that their actions and behaviours can/will hurt others. I have Avoidant Personality Disorder (AvPD) but I'd never ghost. This is because I know how this act can cause pain or confusion for the other person.. whoever that may be. It's so simple to say: 1) "Hey Katie, I can't talk right now. I'll get in touch when I'm ready." 2) "Hey John, I'm working on myself at the moment, so I need my space for a while. Please understand." 3) "Hi Ryan, after spending time together, I now know that our friendship is not what I'm looking for. I'm sure you'll find someone else who connects with you in ways that you want and need. All the best, take care. Goodbye." Going 'no contact' is perfectly fine when you've set a boundary, but the person hasn't listened to you and has continued contacting and bombarding you. Going 'no contact' is saving yourself from someone who doesn't care about your space. This is different to 'ghosting'.

[@Nightswim_]

Option 3 is worse than ghosting. Just ghost if anyone is considering saying that lol

[@wave8867]

@@Nightswim_ Number 3 is open communication, if you can't deal with honesty and would rather want 'ghosting', then that's your own issues to sort out - abandonment and rejection issues. People who ghost have no respect for others, they shouldn't date. I've known people who have been ghosted after spending 2 years as a couple.. just gone. No communication at all. You can be an amazing person for many reasons, but might not connect with someone. That's just the way it is. People can grow apart, or people just might not bond in a mutual way. I had to tell a 21yr old who was interested in me (I'm 31) that I just wanted different things and didn't want to date him, and that he's a great young guy. But he got angry/upset. I wanted kids and a family, and of course he didn't. I could have ghosted him, but what would that have told him? that he wasn't worth even talking to? that he wasn't worth a conversation? that he wasn't worth closure? that he deserved to be ignored and never spoken to again? Ghosting is a fear of confrontation, and many decent people get ghosted just for reaching out as a friend. Some people even ghost to manipulate others, so it's horrific to be on the receiving end not knowing what the hell happened.

[@creatureofstyle]

​​@@Nightswim_ Option #3 is 1000% better than ghosting! I would take that over ghosting any day... in fact think of the absolute worst insult you can and say that to me instead of ghosting please. Ghosting is the absolute worst feeling I've ever encountered in my life!!!

[@SkyePhoenix]

If he ghosts me again, it will be the last time. I'm just about at the end of my rope with him. I've tried to be patient and understanding, but I'm coming to the conclusion that love is not enough of a reason for me to continue putting up with his hot and cold behavior. It hurts.

[@helgacobian1915]

And here!

[@tomasaldente2622]

It is really a NO win situation...

[@iconoclastic-fantastic]

There's also a subconscious assumption that they probably don't like me that much anyway and so it doesn't matter if I ghost, because it won't hurt them and they probably won't miss me :/ And it's so overwhelming to try to date and be involved with someone when you're constantly involved with yourself and already overwhelmed trying to HEAL the attachment and codependency issues, that it just feels like too much. And *i* feel like too much because I end up feeling like they deserve better than someone who has depression and is fighting their attachment issues and codependency. Being AA and super codependent was one of the things that ruined my last relationship, and I don't want to put a potential partner through that again.They could find someone better in a heartbeat anyway, so it seems like it doesn't matter :/

[@daltonedu]

Wow! What you stated was very insightful and I was on the receiving end of this. It hurts so much because I tried to be there for them but it’s like I was pushed so far away that if I tried.. I was crossing a boundary... if I expressed my emotions it wasn’t enough or received. Still care so much for her.. Good luck to you Avery.

[@iconoclastic-fantastic]

@@daltonedu thank you so much

[@xhen12]

😩I so relate this it’s not even funny. Especially the I don’t feel like people like me that much anyways and they could probably find someone in a heartbeat.

[@ethicalbunny]

I agree with this … if someone is telling you they don’t care all the time through their actions why not ghost them as they won’t really be bothered xx

[@mhspalding1]

I hate this for you. You deserve love - both giving and receiving. But I understand. Thank you for sharing.

[@npkrn6764]

It sounds as though they are those types who want everyone to think they're the good guy or good girl. Its quite cowardly and needy all at the same time - a lethal combination; especially for those involved with someone like that. How on earth could they possibly think they'll look like a "good" person by disappearing and completely abandoning someone they supposedly care for??? That's insane.

[@tabitharaj715]

Agreed!

[@jessicamadrid5799]

They don’t see the pain their words caused, so they feel better about themselves. It can be immaturity and a lack of awareness of how bad it feels until it happens to them.

[@nadyaiqmalia3001]

can i ask you something? my ex is FA. we had an argument and she ghosted me 10 days. i finally say my goodbye nicely. she texted me “ i’m sorry i’m a loser, i’m sorry for treating you so badly, i’m sorry for abandoning you, i didn’t mean it. i’m sorry for my bad behaviour, i’m sorry if i made you overthink over everything that u did in the past that i wish i never did any of those things to you. you deserve someone new who’s gonna treat you well, you’re so special and i can’t handle you. i wish you well and i will never forget us.” what do i have to do if i want her back? i didn’t understand.. i love her very much. please help me understand from FA POV.

[@hollysoneye8229]

@@nadyaiqmalia3001I wouldn’t focus on “getting back” in a relationship but offering support through a friendship. She needs to want to heal herself before she is able to accept love she feels undeserving of. However it’s a tough spot to be in because you probably have crossed the line of being able to stay just friends. Although it’s not what you want to hear you may have to let her go and see if she wants to change, it’s positive she sees you in a high regard, but it’s not healthy that she puts you on a pedestal because it contributes to a sense of unworthiness. If you guys do talk, encourage her to see route causes in her issues but be careful not to push too hard she will just run. She has to not only want to change but be in a mental space to handle working on herself. Most people work hard everyday and want to be millionaires so badly and have no financial stressors, but that doesn’t mean they are capable of doing the work or in the correct environment, no matter how bad they wish they could.

[@mercyveritas1125]

@@nadyaiqmalia3001 update?

[@MJ-od5sh]

I was ghosted by a guy who I see now has a lot of inner work to do. It was the most painful experience’s . I would much rather be told I wasn’t for them because ..... He spoke about attachment styles on our second date. I see now he was fearful avoidment. His previous relationship said was like a roll a coaster. He needs a lot of validation an searches for this in women & on dating sites. I was extremely patient with this guy. I think deep down he wants to be different. I could tell he thinks he’s different he asked me a lot of my thoughts of him. I never gave so much love and attention to someone but it was obvious he was struggling with the past. Sadly he ghosted on me 4.5 months in when I put boundaries up of what I wasn’t going to tolerate or put up with . I think deep down he is a good guy but sadly he was not willing to get the help he needed.

[@FM-zg5hz]

Any update?

[@MJ-od5sh]

@@FM-zg5hz oh yes he tried to come bk but I never took him back . I have more self respect . I am well over him now . He is still sad & lonely jumping from one to another .

[@FM-zg5hz]

@@MJ-od5sh How long did he ghost for? What did he say when he came back? Did you say he needs therapy? So sorry you had to go through this kind of trauma, I’m glad to hear you walked away.

[@wave8867]

Could be a Narcissist. They crave attention and validation.. constantly. They sometimes ghost to see if you chase them, or because they have someone else who is giving them attention and validation. They see people as 'supply', and the role of supply is to feed their ego basically.

[@MJ-od5sh]

@@wave8867 oh yes he was a narcissist. He is long gone now & well over him .

[@paulsidaway4014]

I think in truth all fearful avoidants need to sort themselves out before entering into a relationship. In truth you bring nothing to the table bar pain, heartache and frustration. You really need to sort yourselves out before moving forward and hurting others who do not deserve it. I speak as a Secure Attachment who loved a woman who is FA

[@burritomaker69]

This is the truth that most FAs aren’t ready to hear. They simple should not be in relationship with anyone who isn’t their therapist.

[@annadominique8598]

TRUTH

[@rkowel]

As A DA myself, dating an FA is turbulent and full with emotional rollercoaster due to lack of clarity I get from them especially their trait of indecisiveness. It is like one day they want to be in a relationship, one day they don't want to be. It is confusing.

[@ania4683]

Haha I actually experienced what you describe with my DA (I'm FA). He was indecisive, I was transparent. He even told me that. He eventually made that decision to be with me, but my trust was ruined and I started flip-flopping. Needless to say we're just a memory now.

[@shelby9088]

As an FA I usually convince myself that I am unwanted if there is the tiniest bit of ambiguity, and this thought is impossible to ignore once the thought digs in. It eats at me for weeks and I just cut things off or avoid as a preemptive measure.

[@tulip5210]

shelby9088 man that’s an awful feeling, I hate it, have been distant with my friends bc of this I’m too afraid to ask for confirmation

[@TofuTeo]

Exactly the same for me :/ Our parents must’ve really fucked up for us to have adopted these defence mechanisms. I know mine did. So much of my attachment issues stem from how they desecrated my mind.

[@mgn1621]

I feel being vulnerable (intimate) for an FA or even a DA is extremely scary, so it’s easier to ghost/cut people off. 😥

[@hspinnovators5516]

The irony is an FA creates ambiguity in the secure person

[@stephenblind6016]

I was ghosted by someone who was most likely fearful avoidant: she started out really quiet and stoic, but became warm and would constantly flirt and tell me she felt wonderful when she saw me, and became more smiley and social in general. The moment I suggested hanging out, the spell was broken, and she refused to speak ever again, or give me any closure. That's the worst possible way to reject someone: to tell someone they're wonderful, then blow them off and refuse to even respond when they say "hi". After that, I asked myself if I got played, and if I had done something completely off-putting, weird or creepy.

[@lmart16]

@OrderFlowArchives idk if we'd jump at opportunities to hang out, but I don't think FAs ignore texts unless they're obvious booty calls. If you suggested to grab a drink at a bar without planning ahead and sent the text last minute after 9pm, I'd assume you want sex and I wouldn't respond to that text, either. All future texts then after would be taken as someone who's looking for no strings attached - and I don't respond much to those either. Actual, personal conversations which don't involve hi, good morning, good night, how are you are more worth responding to if I'm into someone.

[@Tam438]

Being ghosted can make you feel like you did something really terrible, you can become crippled by self doubt. However, if you have a reasonable degree of self awareness then this is highly unlikely- it just feels that way-the silence feels like punishment. Watching these videos should help you to understand that it is rarely that simple or personal.

[@sanamsitaram7940]

I was only ever on the recieving end of this as an anxious preoccupied who BECAME an FA due to this behavior.

[@notsoanonymous686]

I was ghosted, and as an Anxious Preoccupied, it was the hardest thing for me to reach out and say goodbye… without having your script at the time, that’s essentially what I said, after I’d realized she was gone… I still miss her. But, I genuinely hope that we parted ways on good terms. I appreciate this channel - you’ve helped me work through my own issues. 🙏🏽✨

[@MrESPINOSA88]

There's no justification for ghosting people, period. If someone doesn't have the emotional maturity to date and be assertive and honest..... guess what..... DONT DATE.... work on yourself first, ghosting it's very painful and traumatic experience when the receiving end doesn't even expect it just because someone has abandonment issues

[@mikejohnson699]

Not true. I ghost every woman Ive dated.....it's prevents women from scamming us men

[@ethicalbunny]

I understand this is painful but I have ghosted a lot of men usually because after I communicate something they don’t listen. There are only so many times you can say something before it’s easier just to disappear. Usually I’m so hurt and burnt out I can’t deal with the conflict

[@aliciadionne6397]

I appreciate you saying to end things on a good note. But my FA doesn’t deserve that from me. I’m spending all of this time to educate myself on his FA and ADD, when he should be the one to fix himself. I’m not his therapist. He needs to learn that his behavior isn’t at all acceptable. He knows I’m a 1 in a billion and should value me. But he doesn’t by his actions. That’s why he’s now my ex-fiancé. Unfortunately for him, he’ll find a woman that is not at all the woman I am, and she’ll realize how broken he is and will leave him too.

[@MadameSenator]

Been there too! *hugs*

[@helgacobian1915]

And me too

[@jessicamessica2271]

Honestly there's no excuse for that

[@bellybabe17]

This! This! This! I’ve never been able to put into words why I tend to chronically “ghost” people. It’s never of ill intent but it has always been hard for me to explain. You broke it down perfectly! I’m almost equal parts FA and DA so it’s really hard for me to voice the things that hurt my feelings/that I don’t like and/or what I need to feel emotionally comfortable in the relationship. If I’ve successfully done so a couple times and I feel that it’s fell on deaf ears, I’ll pull away/“ghost”. I feel that I’ve been exhaustingly open and they don’t care so why talk about it further? In my mind they don’t care and so I should probably care less and I ghost. If they don’t value me while I’m here then they won’t mind my absence when I leave. 😩

[@layna9550]

Exactly this. Thank you for explaining this so well...I have the exact same experience as an FA.

[@kittykat.88]

From someone on the receiving end of this, your thoughts are entirely not true and the breakup for us comes out of no where. You're missed and the breakups/ghosting are super traumatic to us.

[@bellybabe17]

Actually, two things can be true at the same time. My thoughts ARE true for me and yours are equally as true for you. That’s where the two attachment styles differ.

[@kittykat.88]

@@bellybabe17 I meant that in regards to your comment 'they don't care' because they do.

[@ethicalbunny]

This is me!!

[@tcot5190]

Being an FA, I’m didn’t even realized I am ghosting all my friends right now… I only saw it as me taking time for myself to deal with my emotions. I never saw it the other way around.

[@grrlinglasses]

Thank you Thais. I haven't done this with a romantic partner only friends. It's was about boundaries and feeling so over extended and burnt out I stopped all communication. It's only happened twice and with AA friends. Their needs and wants can be soul crushing sometimes. Thank you for the videos, they are a wonderful help.

[@priancavail6520]

As an AA, I personally cannot handle FA’s and ghosting. I have come to a place of understanding that I can’t be dating or be in relationship with an FA. This is my understanding right now based on past, really bad experience. Maybe when I feel and am much more secure, I may feel differently about being with an FA(?). I do not mean to offend any FA’s out there🙏🌺

[@alicereid5363]

I 100% agree, from my own personal experience as an AA with a FA ex, I cannot fathom ghosting someone when they know they hurt you, by ghosting that person, you're hurting them more than if you just replied to their message! I just think it's completely selfish but this video has helped me to understand the reasons behind this.

[@LonelyRider87]

I'm FA leaning Secure. Sometimes you gotta call a spade a spade ♠️

[@Locut0s]

I relate a lot to the paradoxical aspects in being an FA of being forced into the very coping strategies that cause the outcomes that we judge ourselves the most for. OMG I can't have this fearful painful discussion about feelings. So the best thing is to just leave. Which of course is only going to cause the most pain and upset compared to having said discussion. And you are bang on about the bit at the end about fearing we are bad people. That is a HUGE component for me that I walk around with a huge component of guilt and shame over my existence and wants and needs from people. The irony being that these unhelpful coping strategies like ghosting and the like only adds more "evidence" to the pile over time for us that we are "not good people".

[@gisellezapata3137]

Don't say you're a bad person, this is a response for your traumas and you can always work on it in therapy or with Thais video

[@Locut0s]

@@gisellezapata3137 thank you!

[@hspinnovators5516]

If you aren't aware of it you can't be "bad". When you become aware but don't change then, yes that's extremely damaging to everyone involved

[@cordeaniaknox4158]

FA’s live being perfectionist and project this on to their partners. There’s no room for humanity and will leave without communicating what their partners have done. They create more FA’s though abandoning their partners without closure.

[@karenmiya8311]

Ms Knox... thanks for fetching the FAs. The channel is being overly "nice" to vagabonds. These people tell good sob stories. You will never hear them say I was wrong I need therapy. Its always everyone but them. As a DA it's the worst situation to see nonsense and not call it. The FAs are weak and selfish minded individuals. They stay throughly in a pity fest. Ghosting is also an attention seeking tool for them after being triggered. They like self importance and will do anything for attention- negative behaviour is their default. DAs can kaked on yet FAs are treated like delicate flowers who must be coddled and suffered. You mentioned in a post they exaggerate the truth of a negative relationship/ experience- its true. FAs cannot stand their own weakness and must project it on others. Its unacceptable to advise people to suffer such levels of emotional self indulgence by FAs. They continue to be destructive and self righteous because everyone else is barred from being frank with them about their emotional stunted behaviour or their grown up tantrums ( silent treatment, self pity with no self awareness, ghosting, raw rage/ anger which doesn't fit the crime/ moment). The FAs are no different to people with borderline personality disorder. FAs are not demigods. They are not beyond being corrected. Its shocking how "some" are sadistic/ lacking in shame in the comments section. They seem to be proud to share share the horrors of how they think, justify themselves & boast of their past shenanigans. FAs only see themselves and self centred povs. Constantly clubbing FAs and DAs is very annoying and unhelpful. FAs must just be disorganized attachment only. They are disorganized as an orientation. So what about their trauma does that justify their actions towards others- No. Its rather unfortunate that they enjoy the feedback of the dysfunction yet very few have come to tell the comments section they have sort help and are recovering FAs. @sunbeam thanks for telling Knox she is reading grown up "children" Thank you both for calling a spade a spade and not a garden tool. In short, the counsel in this video particularly just breeds more of this unwanted behaviour in society. If this nonsense is okay lets show psychopaths the same coddling and see if common sense will prevail after they ruthlessly show their preferred understanding of sadistic for pleasure. Psychology must stop excusing nonsense and promoting counterintuitive blanket "be nice" solution. Lastly, the presentation by the Former FA presenter seems to be overly soft and to ingratiated with FAs perspective than helping the FAs get a reality check. FAs are not children so they must be at peace with feedback which is negative. Its called being mature/ being an adult. This walking on eggs text solution? Why must the FA be absolved of guilt or shame by the person they hurt. Its rubbish. DAs are more likely to accept correction based on facts and constructive feedback/ criticism. FAs are overly attached to their temporary feelings for decision making. They refuse to be nothing but perfect= voluntary insanity. Attachment styles never change but you adapt and become better with self development. Get into a terrible situation and you will notice humans rebounding back to what they know worked not this illusion of change cool aid people are being sold on KZbin Therapy in 10mins videos. God bless and strength to the people in the comments section who were hurt or invalidated by these psychologically challenged individuals. Don't let them change you🌹🙏🏼

[@MarcillaSmith]

This just came our yesterday, and using the script at 8:16 has already been able to pull 2 people who stopped talking to me out of their shells. Thank you, Thais, for the wonderful work of healing you are doing in the world! The knowledge you are giving is helping people get our relational needs met :)

[@klaysmith9675]

Mine took a small flaw within my family and blew it into a big issue. Then she told me she wouldn’t ghost me because it wouldn’t be appropriate, and then said “im going to block you now” I never had a chance. I was completely in love with that girl. Nothing has hurt more. She was all in on us until the day she was all out. I now see she was making a few hints but I didn’t pick up on them. The biggest thing she asked me not to do was plan far into the future. Aside from my vacation I had planned before I met her I didn’t know what I was doing wrong. I asked if I could get us concert tickets this summer. She said no. So I dropped it. I really don’t know what I did wrong.

[@anjifabi]

Do you think she have BPD?

[@jellyrcw12]

The burning out thing is SO real. Sometimes I get into this hyper obsessive friendships/relationships and it feels like a bottomless pit and then I just have to leave because it's breaking me apart.

[@masayuangelanggraini6144]

But why it is breaking you apart? I knew a guy for around 5-6 months. Everything was good until we went out with my other friends. Idk what hurted him cuz the next day he was just not in mood to talk. And I finally realized he was avoiding me. I was still patient enough to wait for him after every classes to just speak with him for 10 mins. He is going back to his country soon. When we are in summer holiday, I texted him and he still replied to me. But then I ended the conversation because I dont want to disturb his holiday. Then after I knew he was back from his trip, i texted him again to meet up before he is going back to his country. He never reply ... he dont even read my message .. actually i kindda like him. So it is very painful for me right now. I thought we could be friends at least. But ...

[@melc8388]

@@masayuangelanggraini6144 yup they dont even open the message to read it lolll

[@caroline4538]

@@masayuangelanggraini6144 It's very useful for an FA to try and see the situation from the perspective of the impacted person (in this case, yourself). FAs carry a huge burden of shame that they're trying to hide. That group situation probably put a lot of pressure on his hidden shame. Probably the only way he can get away from the terrible feeling of being steeped in shame is to step away completely. That will cause him to feel guilty as he knows you're a good person. He is probably hoping you think he just hasn't seen your message (he hopes it may look like that if it shows its unopened) cos he doesn't want to engage with you cos an honest explanation will involve him exposing his shame and he can't do that thanks to his fears.

[@cameranserrano1263]

Can i hug you please?? Your level of empathy is just so touching! You better have a great man in your life! Lol. Thanks so much for making these videos! Ps. You are just so beautiful!! I love your hair :)

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

Thanks for your loving comment Cameran - PDS team member

[@jud2152]

Dated a FA. He had mental issues(PTSD and depression) I was understanding and supportive all the time with him. One day after having lots of problems myself with stress at work, my parents ill and also handling with my ex’s mental state I had a breakdown at work. He texted me, I told him about it and he acted indifferent, then I finally exploded, got upset and he got angrier than me, broke up and blocked me. So, I had to face all his ups and downs for a year and he couldn’t understand one moment of weakness I had? He was selfish and egocentric. You can have all the traumas you want but being not reciprocated to someone who helped you through your worst days means lack of empathy and sometimes that’s something we have to take personally, sorry 😢

[@smileyface702]

Ooof that boundary point at the end is so accurate in my case (I'm FA). I knew I needed to end things, but I didn't wanna say goodbye partly because I knew I wouldn't have the strength to hold firm in my boundary had there been any arguing back or her words made me feel emotional. A part of me rationalised that she wouldn't care if I left because she hadn't been putting the work in to stay in contact consistently (perceived imbalance = she must not care). A month went by and then it hit me that I felt guilty for how I ended things and I realised I probably hurt her feelings quite badly - she was DA but I knew she had cared about me even if she struggled to show it. I sent a simple apology, expecting nothing in return. But she responded almost immediately, saying that she wanted to thank me and that she had really needed to hear what I said. I felt pleased that it seemed we had closure finally. Then another month passed and suddenly she sent me a follow request. I agonised for days over whether to accept or not, finally choosing to uphold my boundaries and not let myself get sucked back into something unhealthy. I'm proud of myself for doing that. It was so hard. The fact that she didn't even send me a message to accompany it I guess made it a little easier to turn down, but that's the dismissive avoidant for you. Sigh.

[@hamzahkhan4319]

The idea is to convert these insecurities and become secure all together.

[@michaelmich00]

you ran, nothing to be proud of. giving closure is still a flightmode, the closure was 99% false like most FA's tell themselves lies to run. prob lost a good person right there. go try and find another one which loves u like that

[@mercyveritas1125]

@@michaelmich00 Nah, they would just hurt more ppl. Just be alone until they heal

[@AM-nx2vm]

These people need to stop hurting people and go get help.

[@repentjesusiscomingsoon1529]

AMEN TO THAT!!!

[@xScarlingx]

Mine pulls away anytime he eludes wanting to meet up& I ask when? He’ll stop responding & almost jump into proving his autonomy like posting a celebrity woman. I’m so glad I understand what he’s doing cos it could really throw me off if I didn’t He keeps saying he wants to try again but that’s where he limits himself - when we are close to getting physically closer. He recently opened up to me about his mental health struggles too so I know he is deactivating heavy but.... I’m tired.

[@katrin6388]

cut him off. honestly, i´m sorry they feel violated or whatever but they need to work on themselves.. no one owes the other that much comprehension. i got ghostes just cause i said jokingly that i liked gentlemen like wtf... i dont need this. and honestly i dont care about his insecurities anymore. just leave them alone. i´m tired of understanding the other but the other never tries to understand me. in the end i want a adult relationship and not reparent an adult men.

[@FM-zg5hz]

Any update?

[@GraceEunity]

In my experience as an FA, before "ghosting"/cutting someone off, the other person always does something that really hurts me and then my whole perspective of the kind of person they are changes and it's like my feelings almost switch off and I'm almost disgusted by them lol. The only time this was different was when a guy I really liked told me he couldn't decide between me and a girl he had been involved with for years but never dated and I felt so deceived and rejected and angry because he told me he wanted to be with me that I didn't talk to him for a month because I was so hurt (we're together now though and we love each other very much). Can anyone relate to this? Is this something different than what she's explaining in the video?

[@_anon_4532]

SAME. EXACTLY. & it takes A LOT for me to get to that point.

[@_anon_4532]

Like you said my feelings just switch off. I think I romanticize people and relationships and then something will happen and it’ll be a like a shock when I suddenly see the reality of who someone is and then it’s like a light just switches and I see the person completely differently and so I just simply don’t care how they’ll feel if I ghost them. But also like she was explaining in the video, I’ll also do it because I don’t want to explain myself. I feel like people always try to talk me out of boundaries. Like if I feel a relationship isn’t working and I want to end it, I don’t want the other person to be like “well you’re overreacting” or something like that. Once my mind is made up it just is. But I make my boundaries very clear at the beginning of a relationship and if they cross a hard boundary and do something I find is disrespectful or inconsiderate of my feelings, that’s it for me I’m done. I almost feel bad for my lack of feelings. It’s like my decision to cut someone off is so concrete it almost bothers me how easy it is to move on with little to no mourning the relationship and no missing the person. When I love, I love with my whole heart until you hurt me. All or nothing.

[@thehealingfairee]

Sounds a little like Borderline Personality Disorder. I could be wrong because I don't know you or any details about the situations! But that's what came to my mind when I read this. Could be helpful to look into?

[@Kyrmana]

Thais has some videos on deactivating strategies where she talks about it

[@chrisreynolds3259]

I agree. Before I had children, I would put up with people pleasing friends until I needed them and I got the "I'm praying for you" response when I had been a literal shoulder to cry on. Now as a mother, I ghost once you ignore or mistreat the relationship you have with my child. Plus being in my 40's and in a secure relationship has gotten me to the point where I just don't care about what others think of me anymore. I refuse to allow others to treat my children the way I was. We are authoritative and NOT authoritarian like we were raised so our children are being taught to communicate their needs and feelings and to question authority and not just believe everything they are told.

[@layna9550]

Thank you for such a validating video. As an FA, I would love if you could do a sort of part II video on how to go about this dynamic in a healthier way...how to communicate our boundaries, our needs, our feelings, etc, so that it isn't a "ghosting" situation at all, but one where we feel seen and respected and are able to maintain our boundaries, but not be overwhelmed by guilt.

[@EricaMorgan]

I’m FA, I’ve only ever done this with friends not romantic partners. Typically it is due to feeling like they don’t actually care about me due to their actions. I had a best friend that was constantly making snide comments about certain things. I just ghosted her, no conversation at all. 8 year friendship over. I dated another FA several times who did this repeatedly. The cycle would always start with intense connection and chemistry and then as soon as we started to get more intimate he would begin distancing himself. I would ask what was going on (my fearful tendencies coming out) and he would make up some reason that didn’t make much sense. Eventually after doing this for awhile he would just cut off communication altogether. It was extremely hurtful, especially considering we’ve known each other for so many years now and I do have feelings for him which he knows. I believe he does too but he won’t outright say it. So I would never ghost anyone else because I’ve been ghosted by him over and over again and it really sucks. Unfortunately I can’t seem to turn my feelings for him off though and I take him back every time.

[@upperiscopeUK]

Really interesting. This should be taught as part of the mainstream syllabus, since it is of far greater value than much of the content one finds there.

[@heidiharris9227]

Um yeah right. Im not going to lie and tell them ghosting is fine in order to placate their feelings or "absolve some of their guilt" yeah right. They need to learn to be more empathetic to others rather than the other way around. How they disrespect people by avoiding them is very painful and they need to learn to communicate. This is horrible advice.

[@Seashellsbytheseashore21]

The point of this: You’re having empathy for a person who is struggling, and getting closure for yourself.

[@heidiharris9227]

@@Seashellsbytheseashore21 thank you ... Perfect timing .. 💖

[@jessicamessica2271]

I kind of agree it's just rude and selfish. I don't like to lie about how I feel for the sake of niceness

[@katiekelman3703]

I remember being in these cycles whilst in a long term relationship. And I can honestly say it’s a truly horrible experience feeling all these different emotions, thoughts and beliefs (the mind and emotions just goes into crazy overdrive); and the mere idea of expressing this to somebody was scary beyond belief, and if I were to try I would immediately freeze, and dissociate. I would not be able to help it or stop it. Its genuinely overwhelming, and running and hiding seems like the only option at the time. Thankfully I haven’t experienced such a deep need to withdraw in a long time. My life feels more whole and overall happy and expressing myself is getting easier. I tend to step into assertiveness. And it has taken me years to get to this point. I never knew about attachment theory until now, but my god I wish I knew then. Fearfuls genuinely have a hard time managing these strategies. Yes it’s hard being ghosted but it’s also hard being the ghoster, especially when you know your hurting somebody that you love and care about.

[@garrhetsampson]

I’m not trying to be combative, but I just have to ask, “Why?” Why would anyone want to date someone like this? It seems like the best option is to move on and find someone who isn’t struggling with these kind of fears and attachment wounds.

[@tomasaldente2622]

My FA love always took the most harmful approach to my feelings, totally lacking honesty and care. I think its sad when I say this, but there really is no way to have a relationship with an FA and keep your sanity and dignity...

[@juliazillinger4405]

These explanations resonate a lot with my inner world and all of them have at some point already led me to 'ghost' people in the past. There is one more important motivation that is often leading me to avoiding contact/answering etc. in the dating phase. I definitely dont want to say "Sorry I am not that into you" (unless I notice they are insisting) and then get insults back like "I didnt like you that much anyway/ this or that is not good about you..." etc. I have only sent this definite statement (Sorry I am not into you) a few times in the past when someone really didnt stop reaching out and making suggestions to meet up etc even though I tried everything to close the doors and disappear and when I sent it it was always with a very burning guilt and fear. Just so you know it is very painful for FAs to reject others.

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

It can definitely feel painful for FA's to reject others because they experienced feelings of rejection and not feeling good enough in childhood. What we need to realize is that we are not responsible for someone else's feelings and it isn't fair for us to take on their pain. Sometimes we will project how we would feel in the situation because of our experiences and create a painful story for the other person when they may not be feeling slighted at all. The truth is a secure person realizes that dating is a process of trial and error with different people and a "rejection" is simply not feeling things line up. Everyone has a right to be selective, we all do this in dating. -PDS team member

[@lisabeaumont]

You don't have to say something as rude and brash as, "Sorry, I'm not into you"! If it's someone you've just been on a date or two with, you can simply say something like, "Hi Joe, thank you for the time we've had together. I want to let you know that I don't feel we're a good match romantically, but I think you're a great person and will make someone else very happy. I wish you all the very best. Julia :)" If they're insulting after that, fine, whatever. But you know you did the right thing in a kind way.

[@MissSarahGM]

Lisa exactly that would be very mature and classy way to deal with the situation. PDS member " we are not responsible for someone else's feelings" ok as a generality. Yet when whoever ghosts another person, they cause hurt or confusion that could be avoided. So they are responsible for that. I think this sentence is a bit dangerous ethically.

[@MissSarahGM]

It is a balance to find in life, between having compassion for others' confusing hurtful behaviors and taking responsibility yet for how our actions may impact negatively others. In a lot of cases, if not most, the ghoster is self absorbed. So the ghostee should not take it personally. Yet if we tell people they are not responsible for how others feel, it is a free pass for abuse and thoughtless behaviors. We are responsible for taking care of our emotions first, but we should also know we are interconnected and act mindfully too.

[@colorfullyme]

Wow I am glad I found your comment. I used to be VERY fearful avoidant and have come a long way. But your comment reminded me that people with a similar attachment style can still react very differently. I have a crush on someone who i suspect is fearful avoidant and has been kinda ghosting me. He always responds kindly but never reaches out. I thought the only two options are A) he likes me but is scared or B) he's just not into me. It has been painful and confusing for me that he wouldn't reject me directly. Until I read your comment, it did not occur to me that someone could be C) not into me AND scared. I am already trying to stop trying to figure him out and focus more on myself, but I just wanted to say thanks for sharing your perspective 😌 All the best!

[@user-tk4qd8dj1p]

I feel unsafe like my intuition told me I sought intimacy was lonely yet jumped in too fast they are not trustworthy, so I ghost. I reject my intuition because not sure if “unreasonable”. Doubting invalidating gaslighting myself because done to me as a child. I’m around forceful people. I need to validate being abandoned as a child is not same as me rejecting someone as an adult. I am conflating the two. It’s not the same. Adults can cope. It was wrong as a child. I need to separate so I don’t feel like I am being what I hated: an abandoner

[@hspinnovators5516]

The problem is FAs reject and abandon healthy loving people, they can't trust their intuition

[@ambers512]

What about in an ongoing long-term relationship? As in, every couple of weeks or so, they go no contact for a day or two, then come back and have no answers as to why. Yet they want things to continue in a positive way every time. It doesn't really always seem to be when things get tough. There have been many times when things were going great and he was happy, then boom. Ghosted for days. He claims he wants to spend the rest of his life with me, but the confusion, uncertainty, and pain involved in the constant push and pull leaves me wondering when enough is enough. After watching some of your videos, I'm guessing I'm an anxious preoccupied.

[@wowwee0]

I only really ghost friends who have hurt me too many times (always a feeling of betrayal or exclusion) after I've put a lot of energy and love into the friendship, however I am not able to communicate my needs and boundaries to them. I just don't bother. It's a sad life.

[@charlielee975]

I've pretty much ghosted everyone in my life at least once, including my parents

[@forloveandasong0030]

Is it possible to do a video on why FAs feel trapped? I have a very limited understanding of it.

[@tulip5210]

forloveandasong 00 yes!

[@victoriaschera5149]

Being an FA myself, I think it’s the part of us that experienced enmeshment in childhood along with the inability to express our boundaries that created this fear.

[@moulee7448]

@@victoriaschera5149 I totally agree with you

[@85Pesticat]

Excellent. Thank you. Puts me in mind of someone who ghosted me hard for three months, about a year ago. Describes him and what must have been his reasons, perfectly. Looking at it this way helps those of us who have a tendency to feel anxious, put it all into perspective and understand the boundaries of a DA.

[@FM-zg5hz]

Any update?

[@winniekirui5487]

Thanks for this. Can you please tell us how to heal this area in our lives? I've hurt so many of my friends and the guilt is exhausting then having to make amends again feels like work but I really want to care for my friends but it's so hard. Like, I'd take days just to respond to a text not because I choose to but it's really so hard for me. Face to face is better so imagine who suffered during Covid?😔 Please help. Thank you🌸

[@LoveToday8]

Winnie Kirui Sounds like this is a start. "I'd really like to be there for you but I'm finding it really hard. Perhaps we can work together on a way we can meet in the middle?"

[@sahareljamal5384]

I have been watching your channel for over a year now, and i have a fearful avoidant attachment style, and Honestly, your videos were a big part of my self-healing

[@ritwikkapur3377]

I love this woman. She’s a wonderful lady and I only wish the best for her ❤ Yet, when se rejected me and ran while ghosting me, it hurt. However, I really wish the universe is kind to her & keeps her safe wherever she is. She’ll always have a big piece of my heart & I know she has feelings for me too. I wish both she & I heal.

[@paddy7998]

So what if the FA ex tells you they love you and miss you a day before ghosting?

[@kittykat.88]

Mine did that too...multiple times

[@mhspalding1]

They do but they are too afraid

[@kmnemcovich]

Same thing for me.

[@AM-nx2vm]

That is not what he is saying. He is saying he wants a future and thinks about me everyday. That he wants a home. He then, vanishes.

[@apieceofdelight5794]

Same. My FA said she wants dogs and also marriage.

[@repentjesusiscomingsoon1529]

@@apieceofdelight5794 Mine said he was falling in love with me...then later said he is mine and that he would never leave me! When I finally said I was ready for marriage...he ghosted me!!! After dating a full year. Cruelest thing anyone ever did to me, I adored him.

[@alanabowker1363]

I think most FA's ghost because they want people to feel the same pain of abandonment that they felt as a child. There is a vindictive quality to it sometimes, probably because they genuinely can't accept that they actually *are* deeply treasured by the other person. It's like the illusion of unworthiness causes such debilitating pain, that they have to induce that anxiety in someone else. They play games of keep away to paint an illusion in their own minds that they are being chased. It's a mindf*ck I can't tolerate.

[@mhspalding1]

Wow interesting

[@mhspalding1]

Also i think maybe sometimes they do the worst thing to prove/justify their own lack of self worth. If they hurt someone it proves to themselves that they are a piece of sh*t that doesn’t deserve love and reciprocity… which is a very lonely but very safe place. The idea of accepting and receiving love is so terrifying that sabatoging connection before it gets too meaningful is a safer alternative.

[@alanabowker1363]

@@mhspalding1 That's very insightful Margaret.

[@mgn1621]

I was wondering something similar…..I am being ghosted as punishment 😕 Not healthy behaviour for someone in their late 60’s.

[@mgn1621]

@@mhspalding1 so sad. I feel sorry for them.

[@Moonstoned]

This is me exactly. I always feel bad for rejecting people I’m not interested in romantically when I know they are interested in me that way. I become so enmeshed I can’t even respectfully break up with people... I recently stopped seeking romantic connections because of this. Can’t imagine being broken up with or breaking up with someone 🥴

[@md5329]

Same here lol, sometimes I even get stuck in a relationship that lasts few months just because I didn't want to reject the person. Im not dating anymore lol

[@deidreritter1165]

I’m glad you posted this today because according to your quiz I’m a FA. I’m literally considering ghosting the guy I’m dating right now because he’s been more busy than I’m used to and I’d rather just disappear than point out that I miss him because I don’t want to come off as needy

[@gracechan3039]

Not judging. I’m dating an FA and I really want to understand the thought process. In my understanding, relationships are formed because two people can have certain needs met by the other. So if clear communication leads to a healthy happy relationship, why is it considered better to not communicate?

[@deidreritter1165]

Grace Chan because I don’t like having to repeat myself. I’ve stated this boundary once or twice before and I feel like if it’s something I have to repeat then my feelings don’t matter and I do NOT want to come off as a nag or needy. When a boundary is shared with me it never has to be repeated because I make very clear mental notes

[@1chienandalou]

I totally understand. The choice feels between nagging versus pulling away sometimes. I find that few people pay attention to what I say with precision even when I repeat it multiple times, whereas with my partner I’m very attentive and with high precision. I’m beginning to think you have to be much more explicit sometimes for a lot of people to understand this this and this are the really important things. I don’t know... that or something about me is just not worthwhile at that level to most of humanity, which, though part of me sometimes wants to believe it, feels quite irrational. So I guess I have to work on stating my boundaries more clearly. I wouldn’t know about your situation of course. But I still wouldn’t ghost completely if the situation was being busy. It doesn’t take long to say something like “I’m sorry this isn’t working out for me. As I told you numerous times, I would like to be with someone who has more time to spend with me. It seems you are too busy these days for us to be a good match or something similar...

[@deidreritter1165]

1chienandalou I chose to focus more on what’s causing these stories I’ve been creating in my head. He’s a really great guy so I’m choosing to look inward and balance out my fears. I’m lucky enough to have my twin sister and my friends to talk me off the ledge when I’m taking things too personally. What’s funny is I don’t even need a lot of time set aside for me but when things get a little rough with our time conflicts I realize that I start to detach. He’s worth the work but more importantly I’M worth the work so I’m actively working toward reprogramming this mind set of mine

[@formalhault5820]

Don't ghost Just tell him what's up. Smdh

[@rain0344]

Thank you for helping me have some clarity. I unfortunately ghost people that I care for and could not understand why until I started learning about the attachment styles and noticing my patterns. I took your test and it seems I am 27% FA, 27% DA and 27% secure.

[@Aisha-ej8lj]

This is exactly what I needed to hear . Your response when being ghosted is perfect 💗

[@GROWWELLTV]

There’s no way I’m lying and saying that they didn’t hurt me when in fact they did how does that help them grow

[@michellebrightspark]

Very good, that is so me. I gave too much to a Dismissive Avoidant and I pulled away and so did he. Should we just leave it there? I feel bad for leaving it this way.

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

It's up to you, but for sure it sounds like you need to heal that over-giving cycle and be able to communicate your needs and be able to set boundaries and check in with yourself when you find you are giving too much.

[@michellebrightspark]

Personal Development School - Thais Gibson thanks so much! Your videos have opened up a whole new world to me. You’re amazing.

[@FM-zg5hz]

Any update?

[@beesnaps1]

How can I lie to myself and tell him I’m not mad at him for ghosting me? I hurt initially but now I’m sooooo angry at him for doing this to me.

[@tiffanycooks4689]

do they ever return on their own? i wish to approach the person but i dont really wish to end things. But i dont know how to make my FA feel safe or comfortable to express his feelings with me.

[@tdubblz]

When I ghost somebody it’s because I’m hurting and I trust them nor me to resolve what’s broken

[@bygracethroughfaith589]

Yep. My biography in 10:14 minutes 😂

[@LexiA0327]

OMG I’m so thankful for your channel I did not know that I was a fearful avoidant person.And you’ve explained so much thank you so much for the videos I’m starting to understand myself better and it’s amazing

[@djpdyson]

I have to say I don't agree with the advice given because no ghosting is not okay with most people. Especially when you actually had a real relationship with them. I am not going to tell someone, outright lie to them and say something fluffy like it's okay and I'm not mad at you. No I am mad at you. And I am disappointed and resentful and you should be ashamed of how you treated me not only ghosting me but the hot and cold and the head games and the emotional toll it took on me. Your behaviors literally felt like abuse and they were abusive. So no it's not okay. Do yourself and everyone else a favor and go to therapy or stay a ghost. Your behavior is cowardly and I can't respect that. I can't excuse these behaviors that don't hold them accountable as a grown up. Why do we keep fluffing around these people that are so so hurtful? Honestly even as an anxious person who wants to fix things, the more I watch these videos, the more I realize these people are not worth it. I mean I have my issues but holy cow. This is as bad as being involved with a narcissist. I do have to say watching these videos, that despite my own attachment style, it has made me clearly see how toxic this particular attachment style is compared to the other ones. My goal is to become more secure and I'm actively working on that but it seems like these people just out and out resist any help and it's toxic for everyone around them

[@melc8388]

exactly! be honest! how can someone say its okay because it is not!

[@LonelyRider87]

I'm uniquely qualified to answer this as an FA ghosted by another FA I was VERY fond of. It's not excuses. I agree with everything you typed. It is our responsibility to man/woman up and get help. No excuses. We are the attachment style with the most core wounds. Some of us were horrendously abused and neglected and abandoned. It doesn't make it ok. It does explain it. It is our responsibility to strive for better.

[@melc8388]

@@LonelyRider87 then stay single and heal? its selfish to start something knowing this thats my take on it!

[@LonelyRider87]

@@melc8388 Hey. That is what I'm currently doing yes. As for him & other FAs ironically unless they do some healing their own wounds & activation blinds them to the damage they cause.

[@karenmiya8311]

Thanks for sharing what must be said. As a DA, I find FA individuals particularly exhausting people. They lack self awareness and take no accountability. As much as the channel is helpful for general understanding- this advice is nonsense on steroids. FAs need professional help and God's intervention. This ghosting business is a selfish act built on lies they tell themselves. To continue to have compassion, mercy or grace on such an individual will result in resentment. They are not will to introspect or accept that they are the problem. Justifying their behaviour with no correction is futile. It just gives their sub par emotional intelligence a free pass. The text suggests in the video are futile because that person will feel Justified and correct nothing. You will simply be labelled the problem so they can continue to destroy peoples' lives and peace. FAs deserve a reality check not this coddling nonsense approach. I have never seen such selfishness & self righteousness in other attachment stills. FAs are sadistic and do exhibit low self esteem/ worth from this foundation they nitpick the partner to feel better or think they can do better yet everyone has the same experience of their inadequacy in any relationship. First real encounter with their rage and jealousy is shocking. I didn't know what to be jealous was til an encounter with such individuals. They ghost because they pretended alot "anxious" presentation and the reality of not being good enough to themselves leads to "dismissive" deactivation strategies. They are drowning souls who should be left to drown less they unravel society & live in victim/ entitlement in their perceived flimsy view of self "perfect & infallible". They must feel guilty & shame cause most probably they know what they do is unjustified & deserving of a strong rebuke and being cut off. Sorry for your experience. I hope you good now

[@nikstar1313]

Wow... ghosting guilt! Yes. I am notorious for this! I am so glad to be accessing your content Thais, it’s blowing my mind.

[@TaMundas]

In other words, what if they are "hibernating" due to the pressures and will not necessarily end the relationship, but taking time out? Must you end it ?

[@SK-no2pp]

No let them take a nap for 6 months

[@simonebracy9103]

@@SK-no2pp 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

[@rafaelparra1260]

@@SK-no2pp and after that they broke you jajajajaja

[@jamiamason5173]

Mine won't answer of he's ending the relationship smh

[@peacejoy3629]

2 yrs later. Any updates?

[@mismiserables]

I rarely ghost people...think I've done it like once. Never while in a relationship

[@katierosecohen]

Everytime I take a test I get "secure" but I relate to so many traits of the FA. The last thing said concerning judging yourself about how youre feeling about the relationship articulated something I hadn't been able to pinpoint.

[@tulipiscute]

thanks, I recently got ghosted by someone I believe to be a cross between dismissive and avoidant and I'm realizing I did almost everything wrong. I actually did send a text message similar to that, but they didn't respond after 2 days to it so I continued to send more and more messages which probably made him more stressed out. I'm extremely anxiously attached which I am only realizing now and I think I smothered him a lot, and after an anxiety attack where I called him a ton of times he just pulled a 180 and stopped talking to me. I at first felt tons of remorse and regret (still do) but fully blamed myself but it feels better to know I'm not fully to blame for someone else's actions, as in, I don't think its so much he was even rejecting me as he was freaking out. It's hard to describe. I feel bad because he did finally respond but I reacted really poorly because as someone who is anxious attachment, I could never imaging ghosting someone because it is truly some of the worst pain I've ever felt. I genuinely convinced myself he was in the hospital because I couldn't believe he would do it to me. This makes me feel less angry. We ended up ending on a bad note which im sad, I did apologize but he didn't reply. I'm going to reach out after 30 days and see how he is feeling. I want to try to rekindle the the relationship but I doubt he wants to, but if nothing else I wish he could end it on a positive and light note with me. This kind of stuff seriously sucks and I wish I could identify his actions sooner. He tried to warn me he felt smothered but I couldn't see it fast enough.

[@FM-zg5hz]

Any update?

[@jimmydanc]

Update

[@courtneythompson8139]

I am an FA. I rarely ghost romantic relationships but definitely friends. But it isn't guilt. It is because its a fear the other person will become over reactive. Or that they will make me talk about my feelings. I also think the person most likely doesn't want to hear from me anyways so their feelings probably won't be hurt.

[@sophskulley]

What if I actually am upset at being ghosted?

[@selkids]

For me...I ghost when you have continually disrespected or over stepped my boundaries. I usually have dropped hints before I go ghost. I typically don’t like to ghost tho. It’s horrible as I have been ghosted several times.

[@hamzahkhan4319]

did you communicate the boundaries? that’s key

[@jackiemiller6209]

This was helpful for me to understand the why they ghosted. I just feel like I wouldn't be honest if I used that script and told them I'm not upset at all because I am. I've cried over it. I do still want to be on good terms though. Is it effective if I edit the script?

[@FM-zg5hz]

Any update?

[@PatriciaLauren]

Hey! One of the things I find interesting is you always use the phrase the ‘perceived’ imbalance in giving and receiving when it comes to FAs. My ex FA was so generous and I felt I was overly generous with them too, but they never seemed to see or acknowledge the things I was doing for them. When we broke up, the imbalance was called out as the reason. Do FAs struggle to let love in? I felt like a terrible partner after the breakup and I’ve been struggling to identify if I really was lacking in those areas or if my former partner ‘perceived’ an imbalance that maybe wasn’t as imbalanced as they thought. They frequently told me during the relationship that ‘no one has ever loved them this much’, so I felt incredibly blindsided by this. I’m genuinely trying to understand and not assuage my own guilt or assign blame. Obviously, I’m AA, haha.

[@wowwee0]

I think maybe both can be true. You could have given them a lot of love, but it may not be what they wanted, or maybe they did not have realistic expectations. Check out her recent video about "if they really loved me"!

[@welutha]

Maybe you value different things? This is a common problem in relationships. We tend to give what WE value and expect the same type of thing back. Have you heard about the 5 love languages? I have a problem with people who show love mainly through acts of kidness - practical help. I'm all for helping out a friend, but what I value most is people's time, presence, emotional connection. Somebody giving me a lift or helping me fix the sink is not the same as them being there, listening, helping me to relax by doing fun stuff together when I go through a hard time. In my past relationships there was a lot of percieved imbalance due to this. I resented them because they did not plan quality time just for us, they resented me because I did not offer to wash their car.

[@MellowBellow1]

Hmmmmm. As the secure recipient of an absolute lava flow of criticism, contempt and false accusations. ...WILD mood swings. From adoring to insanely irate over TINY things. I’m wondering if this is PTSD. just wild mood swings and crazy accusations that literally make ZERO sense. Grappling for understanding of the lunacy.

[@mollysreadings4845]

Sounds like PTSD, yes. Sorry you went through this.

[@LonelyRider87]

CPTSD, more likely.

[@vv.8927]

The FA guy I was dating back off and said that he did because he felt I disconnected! Said I’m dating down and he’s a realist that eventually is break his heart So he back off and stoped texting me WTF!!!! 😡 so he break my heart?!! 💔

[@BeautyWithinKakra]

I’d say the imbalance way of over/under giving for sure! I do think I feel “bad” for rejecting others or saying no- enough that I’ll do great lengths to keep them as “friends” to avoid hurt. I don’t think in my head I feel like I’m ghosting, rather trying to protect myself- the last guy I dated said I did but my intentions were different. Thanks Thais for this!! 💜

[@MsSexyAngel29]

I don't usually ghost someone. I do the fading out.

[@shashichaudhary9308]

Do they come back after ghosting like this or pulling away?

[@CB-jx9pw]

Thais, your videos are wonderful. If I might say though, I think you sometimes talk really fast, no doubt because your brain works so damn fast! 😆You are clearly extremely intelligent, so that's surely why. Love what you are doing but sometimes I get nervous just from the speed of information and talking, lol. I hope it's ok I'm saying this, again I love what you do and watch almost all your videos.💝

[@bygracethroughfaith589]

I agree 😀 she puts so much deep and great information into a single sentence and for people like me it's sometimes quite hard to take all of it in 🙈 maybe she can break down this stuff a little bit slower for people like me? 😂 but great content either way ♥

[@attheranch873]

I slow the speed down a bit on her videos. It makes a big difference.

[@alexaaa87]

As a non native speaker I am having a really hard time too and I appreciate her information very much, so after stating this another user told me that you can slow down the speed of the video by clicking on the 3 dots on the top right of the video 😉

[@grrlinglasses]

You can change the play speed in youtube for each video. Click on the settings at the bottom of the video, it will say normal. You can reduce the speed or speed it up. If you click on the top right 'Custom' button you can slow it down to your preference. All the best!

[@1chienandalou]

You can slow down the speed of the videos! I’ve the opposite problem and watch almost everything on KZbin at 2x speed. I do agree she is relatively fast as with these, sometimes I pause and go back, or even play them at 1.75x or 1.5x speed.

[@tulip5210]

Are you a mind reader? Lol, this very situation happened last night for the very reasons stated Thank you for this video!

[@idadamgaard4351]

So what do you write if you're not okay with the situation? I'm FA myself so I know the inner mechanics of this, but the way the other FA has treated me is quite disrespectful and unloving, and I really don't see a positive note to leave it on at this point.

[@JoeyVanVeenYt]

I created my own boundaries when i realised i was very carefully led on. Of course the FA is going to feel guilt and "ghost" because when they self reflect theyll realise they really did mess up! Its cowardly not to apologise and in my opinion i think its up to each and every one of us to have worked on ourselves and assess our availability before we enter the dating pool and communicate to the other party your intent!

[@kernalmasta]

How do I get my ex back who is a FA - she saw conflict and ran after 6 years together. She felt abandoned because of my lack of decision to take her side and remain neutral. She broke up with me, removed all social media, and said she needed 2-3 years to heal.... aside from this conflict we were legit amazing together

[@kittykat.88]

2-3 years to heal wtf? Like you are just meant to wait around 🤦‍♀️

[@rishikajain9808]

you are so on point in your explanations!!! I love that you get all of this and explain it so well.

[@georgieeve2026]

Another awesome video, thank you! :) I am wondering if in the future you might be able to touch on the differences (if there are any) between a FA and someone who has ROCD (Relationship Obsessive Compulsive Disorder)? ROCD is something I recently stumbled accross while learning more about attachment theory, and it seems really similar to a FA and DA mindset. Bless you

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

I will bring this video suggestion to Thais and the team for consideration. Thank you for your comment and support - PDS team member

[@TaMundas]

Lovely, Thais. I wish that you could expand on this further. Would she ghost because she is going through a lot? Would they ghost because they are getting more than they are giving(if yes, why do they continue to take?)? What if they are ghosting because of being overwhelmed by all the social stresses at the time (family issues, work pressures, exams, etc. all at once)?

[@cmdcxx]

What does it mean when they ghost you from agreeing to give you your stuff back after a break up? I’m starting to get really frustrated. I’ve been waiting three weeks since she dumped me and she keeps pushing back when to give me my stuff. It’s been two weeks. She has not answered me about my stuff.

[@Antaeres]

Can someone please explain why this person would actively pursue me, be asking questions about long term relationship, making plans to see me etc and then all of a sudden decide that we are not compatible abruptly? Their ex decided to cry for them back, and while I understand sometimes you need to sort it out, it's a bit piss poor to be gravitating to someone and disclosing how meaningful the connection is, only to abandon you completely the moment their ex re appears even though they decided to leave. Seems like self sabotage.

[@JK-ek5jv]

Starts at 2:15

[@AshSchultzArt]

So i'm 2 months no contact with my ex gf. I did reach out after 2 weeks and told her I wanted us to talk, she said she hadnt grieved and wasnt ready. I told her she knows where to find me when shes ready, but I feel pretty much ghosted at this point. She was checking my instagram a lot for the first month, but now I think she has me muted (still follows, but doesn't see posts/stories unless she intentionally looks). I now know my anxious attachment style effected things, but I have her pegged for fearful avoidant and I can see some of those behaviors and how some of what I did or said might have made her not feel good enough. Should I bother to break no contact and reach out to her to open some line of communication? Because it doesn't sound like she's going to reach out if she's thinking I don't care or why bother, etc? It's so confusing figuring out the best way to handle this stuff when everyone says "no contact, they'll miss you!" but then you learn about attachment styles and it's like "they'll miss you, but if they're avoidant then they'll probably never try to talk to you again!".

[@bowpow00]

Do you want and deserve a relationship with someone who cannot reach out, be vulnerable and meet you half way? If that is something you want, lace up those shoes, you will be chasing till the end of time.

[@repentjesusiscomingsoon1529]

@@bowpow00 AMEN!!!! Ain't THAT the truth!!

[@vandrewf]

Thank you for the clarity this has brought me

[@creatureofstyle]

Mine is confusing. I knew him for 4 years before we stared dating. He pursued me for 3 of those years. We always got along really well, I think he felt the chemistry like I did, sex was great... but then he started to pull back and kept cancelling dates last minute. I offered to give him space to get things taken care of so he could avoid cancelling last minute. He declined then ended up cancelling the next date last minute again (and I was letting him be the one to make the dates). I also checked to see if we were on the same page about the amount of time we wanted to spend together and he said he was. I ended up breaking up with him because I was hurt and confused and thought he didn’t care. He was crushed and said he didn’t want to close the door. A few weeks later I reached out to try to repair things and he ghosted. Last time we had a conversation was 6 months ago and he said again that he didn't want to close the door. Pretty sure he hasn't been seeing anyone else so I'm so confused why we can't talk about it

[@kelseyelizabeth1093]

What do you do when your boyfriend of two years ghosted you...? I told him I'd give him space and he can reach out when he's comfortable but idk how long to wait

[@notmyrealpseudonym6702]

Don't wait. Live. Waiting is life on hold.

[@anneflynn9614]

Two years is already too long to wait.Move on and find someone new.

[@1chienandalou]

I’m sorry. That should not be happening I don’t think no matter the attachment style. It’s just immature. But unfortunately, it can. You can’t “wait” since it could last indefinitely. Easier said than done but I’m afraid you have to move on. (I don’t mean to someone else necessarily, but towards focusing on yourself and truly accepting that it may be over).

[@andrear6701]

You can't wait for people . Some people might never be ready (sadly).

[@FM-zg5hz]

Any update?

[@LaChilena09]

This is exactly what I found myself doing recently

[@magnetoxavier6504]

I see there are few changes in the visual element of the videos, however i think the subscribe thing specially the sound is a bit distracting but at the same time i think it works when it is done at the end

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

Thanks for that feedback. I will bring this up to Thais and the team - PDS team member

[@showers365]

Thank you so much Thaïs! I would have benefitted so much from your tips last week but I’m sure they’ll come in handy later on.

[@showers365]

Also, could you discuss in more detail about the FA’s guilt when they decide that there isn’t chemistry in a relationship or that it won’t work out. As an FA, I’ve definitely struggled with this guilt and feeling the need to give people a “fair chance” when I know deep down it isn’t working for me.

[@melc8388]

They be on dating sites tho ahahah make it make sense!

[@carrieerickson6659]

I am FA leaning DA. I tried to set boundaries in my relationship with a DA but now I cannot stop communicating via text although we are no contact. He doesn't really respond except monosyllabic and very withdrawn. I don't understand what's happening and it is very stressful !!!

[@surfreadjumpsleep]

I had never heard of someone "shutting down" before dating a FA. It's not normal.

[@pi2771]

As fa I can say I ghost when the boundaries violation and the lack of respect bring me to think that the person is in a certain way and there is not a solution that talking can change them.

[@repentjesusiscomingsoon1529]

But why not just RESPECT the person enough to tell them that? Why cause such hurt?