Why We Don't Really Want to be Nice

Being ‘nice’ sounds a bit eerie and strange. It shouldn’t really.
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FURTHER READING
“Setting out to try to become a nicer person sounds like a deeply colourless and dispiriting ambition. In theory, we love niceness of course, but in practice, there appears to be something embarrassingly anodyne, meek, tedious and even sexless about the concept. A nice person sounds like something we would try to be only once every other more arduous and more rewarding alternative had failed...”
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Feature Films:
The Truman Show (1998)
Barely Lethal (2015)
Bridget Jones' Diary (2001)
Monsters Inc (2001)
10 Things I Hate About You (1999)
Trainwreck (2015)
The Life of Brian (1979)
Muppets' Christmas Carol (1992)
It's a Wonderful Life (1946)
The Hudsucker Proxy (1994)
Wuthering Heights (2010)
Starter for 10 (2006)
Jane Eyre (2011)
American Honey (2016)
A Room With a View (1985)
The Wolf of Wall Street (2013)
The Social Network (2010)
Office Space (1999)
Dr. No (1962)
The Duke of Burgundy (2014)
Fargo (1996)
Alfie (1966)
50 Shades of Grey (2015)
Honeytrap (2014)
Brave (2012)
About a Boy (2002)
Conan the Barbarian (1982)
The Breakfast Club (1986)
Paddington (2015)
TV Series':
Friends
The Simpsons
Luther
The American Office
Mad Men #TheSchoolOfLife

[@Lgisas]

I used to be overly nice but when you're overly nice people will often step on you or use you. It's important to be nice but you should also be able to stand up for your self and to be able to be selfish when it's appropriate. I think everything virtue needs balance.

[@xinic5]

I'm not overly nice, but in the work place I tend to just do things others don't want to do. Because drama isn't worth it, and I'm not too lazy to do the grunt work. But coworkers tend to assume that along with my social awkwardness that I am weak in the sense of letting people walk over me. I'm "weak" in that I don't know how to socialize, but if I am being walked on or people just being outright rude to me I'm going to say something. It's funny when this has happened in the past. Because then instead of people thinking you're weak and insecure, too shy to talk to them, you start to get the impression that they think you are arrogant and "too good" to talk or socialize with them.

[@chiyosumizome1826]

I agree with that statement wholey. I like how you use the word balance, because, like you, I have struggled with trying to be nice to everyone and I also have been used because of it. Being nice also seems to mean equally that we are tender and sensitive creatures. However, there are people out there that will use our sensitivity to their advantage and will use it to make their lives feel better without regards to how we feel about it. I hear a lot about being more assertive, about saying No to people, but I still struggle with it even at 22 years old. I also am sad that our culture tries to teach us that being nice is boring or stupid. It's been ingrained into us that we can't be nice and have what we want which isn't true.

[@dhirajgupta6754]

AS so true! and balance is a virtue in itself ...cheers

[@niccolomachiavelli2287]

use that as a weapon

[@jpskhunterpittman6456]

Agreed

[@miamia5161]

we shouldn't mistake kindness for weakness.

[@michaelkoech3365]

It's ingrained in us. Even in my culture.

[@herminlionel1909]

I think it depends on the motivation of the person being kind. If I do something nice for someone only to make them think that I'm a good person I would judge that as a weakness. I don't think my self-esteem should be based on other people. On the other hand, if I do something nice for another person because I see that they need my help and I genuinely want to make their life easier I would judge that as a mark of empathy. And empathy is a sign of great moral strength. The trouble is it's sometimes hard to tell these two apart. I think for the majority of people it's a little of both.

[@ADUAquascaping]

Hermin Lionel right, I was going to say it is a little of both. This may be why we sometimes are afraid to be ourselves. We don't want to appear as a pleaser, but also don't want to be taken advantage of for being real. I want to make their life better to see them happy, especially if they are and have been generous towards me, and at the same time we all want to be liked, fit in, and be admired too. We have a need to validate one another's realities. People that act as if they don't need this validation and reciprocity are usually true sociopaths or in denial.

[@herminlionel1909]

ADU Aquascaping Very true. You make a lot of good points. I wasn't trying to say that validation is a bad thing. Just that if that is the ONLY reason you are doing something, then you might have to re-evaluate your motivation. But then again, it's not usually that black and white.

[@Ericuotila]

We shouldn't mistake weakness for kindness

[@5kastubh5]

romanticism really did number on our society..

[@user-sd8ec5jv2z]

Yeah. It was the product of an overly conservative society, so in retaliation it went the complete opposite direction.

[@roodlesprease7659]

+Βουλγαροκτόνος1014 all these movements create their anti counterpart. i guess thats nature.

[@AMcGrath82]

So did Classicism, to be fair. All philosophies have their strengths and weaknesses.

[@henryaung596]

the only thing is... classicists are the minority these days... And as SOL rightly pointed, we need to look back to see if there is anything we should learn from classicism... (We actually are in a middle of a cultural movement, if you want to be epic...)

[@lilmanjp]

Yeah.

[@Lotusblume.8]

There’s a difference between being nice and having healthy personal boundaries.

[@Taylor.h]

And I always get anxious that I cross those boundaries

[@T1Oracle]

This right here ☝️

[@skyejacques]

And codependency... Been in denial and it's unfortunate how that's affected my life!

[@ItsRaitisLV]

You can only be truly nice when you can set healthy boundaries.

[@nevereddington7448]

Facts

[@TechLifestyle]

"Be arrogant with arrogant people; this is the only language they respect, as they confound kindness with weakness" - Paulo Coelho

[@sasnad3]

So be true to arrogant people and be fake to the nice ones. Good going😂

[@alexandert696]

Because people take advantage of that sometimes. So learn when to be nice and when to be fair and dont regress back to infancy .

[@WaffleAbuser]

Yep. Be nice, don't be a pushover.

[@Clown81178]

+WaffleAbuser I'm a pushover and nothing good has happened so far.

[@alexandert696]

WaffleAbuser Dont be nice. Learn what is appropriate in each situation. Be polite until you have a good understanding of who you are dealing. No need for drama or confrontation either. Dont hang around toxic people. They are not worth anyones time.

[@WaffleAbuser]

johno doh "Learn what is appropriate in each situation." That's exactly what I meant.

[@alexandert696]

WaffleAbuser Dont blame me,you said be nice :P

[@goatsingh7099]

niceness is fake-ness. nice is something you HAVE to be. "be nice to your sister", "be nice to the opposition". KINDNESS is what you are. kindness is intuitive and genuine. don't be nice.

[@beans9019]

Meanwhile your profile pic 😂

[@fumomofumosarum5893]

dunnow about you but my KINDNESS is a privilege you have to earn. whereas my nice-ness is simply a right.

[@khadijaomer1558]

Elliot Hulse words...

[@jestergnome9774]

Naaa it's only fake-ness if you are naturally a shitty person with bad intentions, judgements, and bitter will toward others. And MOST people are that so it APPEARS fake in a world dominated by attitude. Shitty people envy genuinely nice people for obvious reasons. 😜

[@lovepeaceisneverguaranteed7385]

It almost the Samething tho lol.

[@davidhutchinson2159]

I don't mind being nice. As long as you're truthful as well. And being truthful doesn't mean being rude either.

[@KingAlpaca]

Yes, it does

[@davidhutchinson2159]

How so?

[@gaben282]

David Hutchinson it's all very subjective but surely tough love is.

[@fwalsh101]

Being honesty and being nice to those that deserve it is admirable. That said narssasism,hubis & apoty are on the rise..most likely because of increased use of "social media" etc etc..needless to say the result isn't good.

[@devyn5174]

Be kind, not nice.

[@-gemberkoekje-5547]

"Being nice for a prize isn't being nice at all" -Mat Meese

[@TuathaTuna]

Love the old Studio C crew

[@shinemperor8950]

Personally, I like being nice. I like seeing other people do well and be happy. I've helped people whose names I don't know. I've helped people for whom, no one knows I've helped. It means very little to me what vapid, empty meathbags think of me when I'm nice. I do it, because if I don't... I'll go fucking mad... Because the world at it's heart... is just a machine that grinds humans up for progress and I would like to think... that magic still exists.. and that's what kindness is... It's the input a system cannot parse... and that idea alone, for me, makes being kind worth it... It can't be properly predicted and measured and is often sneered away as self interest... when it's much purer than that... For me, kindness is anarchy.. If EVERYONE were kind... no one would recognize the world we live in... and that's the best part... Being kind, for me, is a revolutionary act.. In world of cynical competition driven by ambition, kindness is a subversive act.. and it's beautiful... and selflessness literally breaks the system..

[@namehere5675]

Well said, lets break the system. :-)

[@Jesus-ve4io]

I LOVE you and your comment, and i think the same. But i have 2 faces ( sadly ). When im kind with people ( i LOVE It ) they destroys me. When im bad, they respect me, girls pay attention, etc.. i hate this but is real

[@almaruth440]

ShinEmperor wow

[@SamyBarnat]

@@Jesus-ve4io that's because you give a wrong meaning to the word bad, other people expect you to respect yourself and put limit when they are too stupid to put them themselves that forces respect and bring love to you but that's not bad that's all good that's being nice to yourself ;)

[@roderickgrayson8254]

The most "gangsta" thing one can do is love someone.

[@joshwi4193]

I know this may be a meaningless distinction, but I tend to think of 'niceness' as a formality - or a performance toward others, whereas kindness has more to do with intention. For example, it's usually easy to be nice to a family member we dislike, or a friend of a friend we've just met - we act nicely toward them mostly to avoid confrontation or discomfort. When we're kind to someone, it tends to be less about how the other person may react to us, and more to do with caring about their wellbeing. These are just my thoughts, but in this sense, I hope I can become a kinder person.

[@HJ-lq9qq]

Josh Wi love that

[@ashtonpeterson4618]

That's pretty profound

[@mrk3815]

Exactly and Jesus was kind not nice,he wouldn’t of ended up nailed on a cross if he was a nice guy

[@abedmuljawan]

Very true

[@minadavy374]

Josh Wi I definitely agree! I’ve always thought the same thing

[@rheller_82]

being nice is one of those things that is hard and easy at the same time.

[@hououinkyouma1975]

Being nice is easier than being yourself.

[@interestingcommentbut....7378]

Hououin Kyouma Not genuinely

[@qtip3998]

Hououin Kyouma what do you mean?

[@rheller_82]

Well I'm naturally nice. still all I'm saying is it doesn't mean it's easy.

[@eddy-currents]

I'm hard and easy ;)

[@XxXNOSCOPEURASSXxX]

Im starting to think that the School of life writers are really into BDSM

[@theschooloflifetv]

Practices we call BDSM are in fact entirely mainstream.

[@Levo.22]

Global/statistical or on a personal level?

[@civilizedmonkey1795]

The School of Life soooo... You're not denying that? I mean, I'm certainly not judging. No kink shaming here!

[@raffacasting]

I will visit School of live place in London. Maybe there im able to find a woman that understand the paradoxes of life and relations XD

[@johnappleseed8369]

nothin' wrong with kinky!

[@blueshattrick]

As Dalton would say, "Be nice, until it's time to not be nice."

[@DreVG2]

"Road House!" - Peter Griffin.

[@petermelnyk7664]

ROADHOUSE!!

[@johndonaldson3619]

"Nice" - the MOST unflattering compliment you'll ever receive

[@Vitorruy1]

Haha so true

[@HOllyGolightlysHeart]

I’ll take it ☺️

[@anonima7748]

Still better than being called an a..h..e, I guess Or it doesn't matter anyway what people thing about you

[@Dantick09]

I can't overstate how much I appreciate the ideas you refine and put into videos

[@kewlcucumber]

Same thought here :)

[@louisdavies8050]

"The things we admire in men, kindness and generosity, openness, honesty, understanding and feeling are the concomitants of failure in our system. And those traits we detest, sharpness, greed, acquisitiveness, meanness, egotism and self-interest are the traits of success. And while men admire the quality of the first they love the produce of the second." - John Steinbeck

[@Urelasir]

Louis Davies Beautiful!

[@kyledelrosario2081]

yup!

[@dhirajgupta6754]

Louis Davies but the produce of the latter is not exactly genuine and permanent, so wise people should choose the former.

[@dhirajgupta6754]

eL whYwhY permanent as in not always stuck but you have a sense of completeness anytime after you think of it.

[@evaiskra11]

It was relevant once now sustaining balance is more important than waging wars and conquering led us to degradation of Earth and culture.

[@LookingForAName...]

I think that people that are always nice are not necessarily liked because they may appear to others as dishonest. They might be seen as cold and fake, even if they actually are simply considerate of others. I think that this suspicion about nice people stems from the fact that we rarely meet genuinely nice people.

[@corsicanlulu]

no its cuz people love narcissistic assholes, they find them interesting and nice people boring

[@kristinemedina2839]

@@corsicanlulu interesting

[@Yusa_Beach]

Or maybe that we aren't so genuine ourselves.......

[@69LOLIN]

"Virtues in excess, turn into flaws" Moderation!

[@RebeccaETripp]

Being nice has never been mutually exclusive from being creative, interesting, entertaining or successful. The thing that truly boosts imagination, charisma and magnetism is a profound, confident sense of personal identity. If one has this, people are often crazily attracted to them on multiple levels. The ones who are unique and truly themselves tend to be emulated by those who are still searching to learn who they are.

[@jacobcasey28]

legend has it, if you're early, the school of life will reply

[@theschooloflifetv]

They will!

[@crangel2183]

The School of Life but, but what about all that shit about the nice man!?

[@GodDamnit7711]

Can you make a video on Erich Fromm yet? You said yes to me like a year ago.

[@TimonPLaySuper]

Yоu'll evеn disсovеr whу men don't listеn AND a simplеteеchnique yоu cаn use ТОDAY thаt will hаvе him neаrlyhаnging оn your еvеrу wоrd => twitter.com/daedde27a0f187927/status/804693412402241537 Why Weеe Don t Rеаlly Wаnt to bе Niсe

[@MicahBuzanANIMATION]

Human beings are multifaceted. It's possible to be nice and assertive at the same time. I'm very kind to people, but I don't behave in a way that would betray my values for the sake of being "nice". Also, in the context of dating, the idea that nice guys finish last is a myth - any person who is attracted to an ass is likely not worth the trouble. All social animals have adapted to have a strong sense of fairness; e.g.the strategy of Tit for Tat. There is a healthy balance between being nice and assertive. To go too far in either direction is a mistake that will lead to people taking advantage of you, or resenting you.

[@riccia9674]

I like you already :)

[@davidcraig7771]

Micah Buzan, not worth the trouble but likely hot

[@ElusvOptmst1]

@Micah Buzan Nicely stated. No pun intended.

[@_Yohanan]

+David Craig And her being hot is THAT important to you? Well, go ahead then.

[@booboo8460]

Kind of makes you rethink how nice the "nice guys" really are, huh.

[@samantha5521]

wonderful! well done! SOL really, you put together some excellent content that explains a lot of social behavior. Love how you put things together so eloquently.

[@theschooloflifetv]

Thanks!

[@otherpill7008]

The School of Life Hello, I just wanted to ask one question, how does modern-day feminism add to this demonization of nice people? For eg., a generally nice person may after being nice for a long time, develop feeling for someone and if they get rejected and search for a reason for their rejection, they find none except the intrinsic niceness. But feminists call that passive-aggressive, manipulative and misogynistic, something I don't quite understand? On the other hand, a person can use niceness as means to woo someone, because that's probably one of the basic necessities of human interaction (or was in the past). I would love it if you consider this question, because I'm so very confused that I fail to understand how I should change who I am to become someone not ostracized so many times.

[@ZombieDragQueen]

Feminism doesn't add to the demonization of nice people, so the question does not beg for consideration. Only an alien pretending to be human thinks reason for the rejection is their intrinsic niceness. It's because people feel differently. No one calls it manipulative and passive-aggressive unless you started being nice with the intent to get involved in a relationship. This is different from wooing/dating because in those case both parties are aware of the fact that there is a possibility for a romantic relationship. But if you're just nice because you expect the person to fall in love with you, then it's manipulative and deplorable since the object of your desire confides in you like they wouldn't with people they date, but they are under the impression that you just want to be friends. So by hiding your intentions you are abusing the trust of your friend.

[@mescalinemonkey8183]

Other Pill who is the you who'll change you?

[@otherpill7008]

Stefan B. Thank you for referring to the 'dating scene'. The thing is, this dating culture is a very new acquisition from the West in my country, India. Here, it has always been a specific way, in which the tone of relationship is set initially through friendship (knowing each other), then the passive hinting of romantic relationships and so on. That's where the problem is. Even the women could feel it, but western media have confused our minds. In modern India, if one outright claims to have a relationship, he will be rejected, ridiculed and even called a pervert (since they don't know them well), but on the other hand, there's the delicate balance where you should drop the romantic hint at a specific period of friendship so that you don't forever become a friend. Over all this, because of Western feminism coming in, the women here have started blaming it on manipulation and other things, when actually it's just the way we are taught, and the dating scene being it's difficult to understand. Personally, I don't understand what's going on.

[@morgangreen2526]

*I AM CONVINCED THAT THE SCHOOL OF LIFE STAFF ARE OBSESSED WITH BONDAGE AND SUBMISSION*

[@Hotarubi-dono]

Why? 😂

[@theredmcbrothersyt613]

Very often as internal references in their videos...

[@amonagirth9075]

HAHAHAHAHA

[@DuskMindAbyss]

Take into consideration, just because you are nice it doesn't mean you are not boring, broke or unsexy. Niceness is a virtue indeed, but not the only one. Try to up your game too.

[@mgbm8335]

Being nice is pretty easy for me ( because that's all I really do ) , but when I think about it , It kinda sucks being nice , mainly because people can take advantage of it , or you'll probably end up becoming a "Boring" person to others . The video is great by the way :D

[@samihaislam3487]

same

[@mgbm8335]

:D thx ppl

[@danelendil1424]

You need to find a way to meet more people - there's nice people out there that would love to hang with you, don't waste your time battling other people's demons.

[@rainbird9914]

You're not boring

[@Crystalp1456]

Martin Baez nice is not boring, it is exciting and exotic specifically because it is so uncommon. find better people to hang out with who will appreciate how well you treat others rather than demean you for it. I wish I could meet a truly nice person.

[@TankTaur]

Being nice is an essential thing for living in a society with other people. It's essential in order to appear sympathetic, and connect with people. It can also sometimes feel rewarding to the person being nice. However, niceness is a tool, not an end in and of itself. If you do people too many favors without receiving enough in return, you wear yourself out for nothing, because people will rarely appreciate and reward you for all your hard work. Niceness should not be your main goal in life, but it should be part of your life.

[@phoenixg2002]

Agreed.

[@Yusa_Beach]

And what should the main goal be? If only yourself can answer such, then there honestly isn't one and we just tell ourselves what is best for us to survive when we don't even know why we have to.

[@4341015]

Mozart distracted me, I have to watch it again!

[@shabadigash4512]

Exactly What the bloody fuck is a back ground music doing in an informative video ?

[@Urlocallordandsavior]

I think the question should be whether or no the background music was too loud in this video...

[@rogerbanana5670]

Then chopin!

[@Petya_Haralanova]

I know right! I wanted to analyze both and I ended up only analyzing the music

[@samarth3957]

That just made it better tho

[@rajdhariwal8833]

Being Nice and being sacrificial is the best virtue, success is subjective too, when one finds something much bigger than mere money and power then the fear of being nice is gone and also then being nice is actually being true yourselves. This whole concept of being nice is very liberating and beautiful.

[@qaedtgh2091]

Being nice often means being inauthentic. People spend the day wearing the mask of the charming individual, and at the end of the day it is nice to take it off and really let our authentic selves out. That is for people who are afraid to be authentic in public. For people who are not afraid to be genuine, they become the main characters in the world around them, whereas people who stay in line blend into the scenery. If a person wants to live a life free of drama, be nice. For a person who wants to gain insight into who they really are, be authentic.

[@williamchamberlain2263]

Qaedtg H - School of Life have a video on that false politeness/niceness too.

[@dorismahoney1440]

We need to be civil to function in daily interactions.

[@wangray9456]

Nice is useless until everyone is not nice to you.

[@MrBeastknows]

wang ray That is a very unlikely scenario that does not make sense. Why would everyone else wanna be mean to someone who's nice? I understand there are always a couple bad apples but everyone?

[@smilescomeforfree5855]

Or they just take advantage of you, because you're part of the background.

[@Nova04550]

You read his comment wrong dude just read it again.

[@DastardlyDistaste]

What he's saying is that the people who claim "Nice doesn't get ahead" are usually more reliant on people being nice to them than they realize.

[@LuneLuan]

wang ray very true. I lost all my friends and started kissing up to everyone I met. Then once I got nice friends I was lucky to realize how much of a dick I was being. So I'm being nice to my friends by not hanging out with them. Oh geez wtf is life.

[@IbrahimAli-pe6gq]

wow this was very interesting and true,my favorite part was that"we can be nice and successful" thumbs up school of life (:

[@srgkzy1294]

Ibrahim Ali so so hopefull... ahhh hahaha :)

[@IbrahimAli-pe6gq]

Adalberto Rojas what??

[@srgkzy1294]

no really i tried to say that with just 10 % sarcasm but yeah the rest 99% i meant with the intention manifesting that i had the same feeling as you.

[@IbrahimAli-pe6gq]

Adalberto Rojas okay

[@creativesuit1930]

Adalberto Rojas hopeful**

[@listengort88]

It's my third month in Nepal. People here, all of them, are REALLY, SINCERELY, ALWAYS warm, kind and nice. Come and see

[@drinasun6984]

It's OK to be nice, but not so nice that people begin to take advantage of you. You need to have strong personal boundaries and assert yourself. Fulfilling your needs is important as well. Overly nice people lack boundaries and allow others to use them. Asserting yourself is very important, because when you're too nice for your own good, it leads to resentment. Don't be so nice that people start to take advantage of your niceness and use your good nature against you.

[@treylevitron64]

As someone who describes themselves as a nice person I would like to say thank you for making this video. When I was younger I always feared having to give up being nice to be successful in life but this video gives a great explanation why.

[@theschooloflifetv]

Thank you Trey.

[@sambrown9052]

I just love it at how witty the School of Life responds.

[@theschooloflifetv]

We do our best !

[@nickmagrick7702]

keep it up, theres a lot of years of painful self honesty to get to these ideas

[@GCsinger]

Honestly this has been one of the most mind-blowing videos I have ever seen. It has really made me re-assess the way I even look at life. I feel like my vision of the world has been skewed by the negative associations I make to niceness.

[@JIYkp]

I think Christianity has more to do with being good than being nice. Jesus wasn't nice to the temple merchants, and the apostles didn't mince words when things needed to be said.

[@GeekNArtist]

The truth is that sometimes you also have to show your tough side, even if you are a nice person. I'm a very nice guy, but sometimes I show people who's boss when I have to.

[@goodplaylists8868]

Exactly, this video is theologically incorrect

[@MrJ691]

Shut up, your religion is a scam

[@Vitorruy1]

Please dont miss the point of the video. I guess everybody knows the basic plot of the bible. The point isnt that jesus was super nice all the time it's that he got screwed at the end.

[@fanaticnatic3702]

@@MrJ691 ooohh an edgy atheist

[@Squidward_Tikiland]

THE CONCLUSION IS BRILLIANT, watch till the end

[@mactireliath2356]

A helpful perspective to our modern obsession with assholes. Personally I prefer courtesy to nicety. Courtesy allows me to choose when to express nicety, or when not to.

[@idontcaretbh2999]

I notice a lot that people who want to stand out are almost never actually nice to fellow humans. That's strange to me, why do I have to be rude to be original?

[@amdiary7]

I don't care tbh if you stand out because you’re a complete asshole then it’s meaningless

[@RedInferno112]

Being nice is sometimes helpful to being successful.

[@brendadrew834]

"Just say NO", can be used in many of life's circumstances lest the malignant narcissists/sociopaths/psychopaths walk all over you! Anyone recovering from co-dependency knows that i.e. red flags, boundaries! Also, "Do unto others as they would do unto you"...the Golden Rule and "What goes around comes around"...the Universal law of attraction! "Mind your manners"! There are many time honored sayings that work and still ring true! Thanks for more great wisdom through the ages at Life University where we often times have to learn lessons the hard way, but well worth it!

[@kentjg32]

I'm introverted and nice to people, so that means I keep to myself and am alone a lot, but when I do interact, I try to be nice.

[@diegobrown19]

The only time it pays to be nice is when you know for a fact that the person you're being nice too is a decent human being will return the kindness you show them. On the other hand, it took me being used and abused many times to figure out that if you go around being nice to everyone, eventually you'll be nice to a person who will take your kindness for weakness and fuck you over. This betrayal can come in the form of thievery, unfaithfulness, verbal abuse, physical abuse...you name it, they do it to you. Being nice as a default to everyone is foolish.

[@alext.9033]

diegobrown19 Very true! However, being nice to people is different than trusting people. For example, I'm friendly with others and I do the right thing if it absolutely a-must in order to save them...but I'm very closed off personally and very few people actually know the real me, the few people I actually trust

[@tpsam]

diegobrown19 this is kind of the Christianity portrait of nice and generous. you should be nice to everyone, especially with people who don't give back the favor because the lasts will be the firsts. but if you don't believe in a paradise award on heaven then it looks stupid because there is no advantage in being nice. what makes the difference is the reason why you want to be nice because generosity means that there is no looking for advantages

[@diegobrown19]

Thanongrit Suriyarungka I think good people are the minority. I also think that even the most kind and loving people you come across have some kind of negativity brewing in them just waiting to be let out on the right person. I don't think anyone is free of evil or sin. I just learned to never expect good from anyone anymore this way I wont be disappointed when they disappoint me. On the opposite end of my negative spectrum since I never expect good from anyone I'm always pleasantly surprised when I come across a person I feel is genuinely good, kind, generous, etc... Also I'm of the agnostic variety so heaven to me is not something I believe in. I believe that we do need advantages in life and that we must take them sometimes. Like a starving child who steals an apple, I wouldn't consider him bad because he stole I would just see it as him trying to survive.

[@HumbertoRamosCosta]

The questions is... If niceness is so important why those 'ideologies' try to kill it?

[@smilescomeforfree5855]

Facetiousness.

[@fullmetalsnowflake2508]

I think the point is that they knock niceness down a peg so that when the other things are essential (romance, self-interest, etc) they deflate the argument that you have to be nice instead. But the idea any of these traits can replace niceness entirely is dumb.

[@danelendil1424]

Is it important ? What makes you think that ? Obedience is important and that has nothing to do with niceness. I don't think anyone actually tries to kill niceness on purpose - maybe if most people would be nice they'd stick together more and that would bring an end to civilization as we know it, but that's a bit far fetched.. However people's fears and insecurities do tend to kill niceness; if you look around, you'll see that most people that have a safe strong position in life tend to be nice (I'm talking here about people that already achieved a lot of what they wanted to achieve in life - of course some of them are still a-holes but that's maybe because they either still have many skeletons in the closet or they're just born to be bad).

[@HumbertoRamosCosta]

danel elendil what i think doesn't matter, t the video suggests that

[@viktoriyakovalchuk6472]

This is all an opinion though, right? It truly depends on your philosophy of life and what you think is best for you and the world. Because, your actions also depend on what kind of moral theorist you are. If you are a consequentialist (believing that only the ends/consequences matter when assessing morality), and you believe that fully expressing yourself most of the time leads to the greatest good for you and for everyone around you, as opposed to placing extensive effort into suppressing yourself (assuming you are not naturally a very nice person), then maybe that would be your own personal philosophy of life. I'm only saying this because I've seen people around me adopt this point of view, and they, in my opinion, still have the right intentions. The question lies in which is the best means to adequately demonstrate those intentions.

[@theschooloflifetv]

Thanks for this hugely interesting contribution.

[@deimon451]

+

[@alexvandenbroek5587]

Viktoriya Kovalchuk just an addition to your points. 'Only' minding consequences is in itself quite a broad philosophy as basically everything has consequences and thinking about all consequences is an impossible task that if possible, would make people become almost unidentifiable inactive grey blobs in their attempts to try to not offend or harm anyone. In that sense such a philosophy makes a valid point. All the more because people cannot avoid being selective in their perception of consequences. Nevertheless in doing so, and making certain assumptions about the world, we tend to miss a lot of the negative consequences that we did not intend. In that sense, not holding back does not have to be harmful, but doesn't have to be good either. It depends on whether or not people trust each other's good intentions and can handle it. Basically, the merits of not holding ourselves back depend also on whether or not others may respond with understanding, a sort of 'kindness' even if you may appear harmful. The point is, in the end all niceness or not holding back depends not just on what you do, but on everyone involved! Hence 'personal' philosophies aren't so personal or unambiguous as we might think. If we want a culture of not holding back, we almost inevitably also need a certain culture of niceness and understanding.

[@TheJaminross]

This assumes that being nice to people involves suppressing one's feelings though?

[@Yusa_Beach]

@@TheJaminross More importantly, it's also because we deem our feelings to be our authenticity. Which can be debatable at best.

[@lyrichio]

I hated how bland and well-mannered and orderly my life has been up until now, but watching these videos make me realize that this may have been a blessing.

[@NicholasWhiteley]

If you are nice to your own values, wants and needs first - it’s easier to project niceness upon others, be empathetic, and here more about them on a deeper basis than what you hear and see on the surface.

[@davidmcrae4791]

I'm confused about myself now. I have always tried my best to be nice and now I feel like I should try to balance it out.

[@nastybeasty7502]

WishingPole My advice is to be honest but respectful and compassionate. Sometimes a lack of honesty is more nice than direct truthful approaches - and actually kind if you are sparing someone’s feelings and have good reasonable intent. “Nice” seems to me how we are trying to be perceived as opposed to caring about the consequences of our actions. Malicious is not the opposite of nice, right?

[@lovepeaceisneverguaranteed7385]

Being Nice is not a big deal tho just take it easy😃

[@SamyBarnat]

you should definitively be nice to you and others when they deserve it ;)

[@gaelvain]

I'm nice but sometimes I really regret it.

[@hugmonger]

Have you guys ever considered doing a video on the downsides of success or perhaps more importantly why its okay not to want to be "Successful". Like I am one of those folks who just wants to cover bills and then is fine living a life full of love and lust and joy.

[@theschooloflifetv]

Ah yes, we made such a film. It's called IN PRAISE OF THE QUIET LIFE.

[@hugmonger]

Oh yeah I remember that one now. Man I have watched so many of your videos I am starting to forget some.

[@ulriksj]

One day, you'll be like XKCD, always having a relevant video for any topic.

[@potallegta]

I guess what Poly meant exactly were successful in the sense of societal perception of success, especially in a capitalistic society like USA and much of the Europe people only define success with the material wealth and social status in society--instead of personal happiness and fulfillment.

[@hugmonger]

@potallegta: Yes this is the definition I was going for. Like I have an ex who wanted a job for money and wanted more and more money and it brought us to ruination. Its just nice to be reminded that Success is not all that matters.

[@emmaj5807]

I didnt watch the video but I wanna say that being nice is important! Always be kind, while being assertive. Be considerate compassionate and non judgmental. It feels better than being mean. Treat others the way you want to be treated.

[@sngscratcher]

Being nice because you think it is what's expected of you by society, or because you want people to like you, that's fake. But being kind and considerate to others because you have genuine feelings of kinship for your fellow human beings, that's real. You can't fake being a caring person.

[@upandatom]

I think this is my favourite channel!

[@viktoriyakovalchuk6472]

Also, I absolutely love the music you guys used in the background-- literally, every song.

[@theschooloflifetv]

Glad to hear that.

[@SomeGuy-xs3fj]

Be nice only to those who deserve

[@Pleaseunderstand]

Anton Arnaudov everyone deserves niceness, on some level.

[@mayankimmortal]

New Age Retro Hippie nope

[@SomeGuy-xs3fj]

SuperNoone89 has the right idea

[@Pleaseunderstand]

SuperNoone89 A lack of personal boundaries? Can you elaborate on that? Just curious, is all.

[@shayZero]

Anton Arnaudov that doesn't work in a workplace. believe me

[@nervmeister]

Niceness, like all those "christmas card" qualities some harp on about, comes second to what's really important: self-acceptance or affirmation, the solid bedrock on which that kind of thing can genuinely be built. Without it, "niceness" is merely a smokescreen put up just to keep face with one's peers.

[@gsharp881]

I feel that the main problem is confusion not the state of being amicable. "Niceness" not only has various meanings depending on the context, but breathes an air of mediocrity. It may have meant something concrete at one point in history, but no longer does. Perhaps we should not confuse niceness with charity, manners, and other attractive virtues. Those of us (me included) who allow other to take advantage, only do so because we gain something. Either we seek respect or love, we enjoy being miserable (counter-intuitive, I know) or imagine that we will be owed something in the near or distant future. Obviously this is not the case, especially if you have taken advantage of a nice person before.

[@fringes475]

Because like you said on the other video, nice people are secretly sexual deviants.

[@niadaniels1044]

Fringes true very fuckin true lol

[@raffacasting]

You just describe me lol.

[@fringes475]

I was hoping that you people would disagree. I guess, you are all nice people

[@bobbypaek6795]

Fringes president bitch of s korea

[@gulpedits6413]

which video/?

[@LIKnott]

Is it just me or does this video not really go anywhere? It kinda starts on topic and then wanders off into the hills.

[@theschooloflifetv]

We're sorry about that. The piece has rigorous architecture. It looks at three causes of suspicion of niceness and rebuts them systematically. But it's our failure if you failed to see that. Apologies.

[@readysetgo4607]

Don't be too apologetic that's a loser thing *pun*

[@LeekClock]

Don't be so nice about it, SOL, it's not very attractive. And the video is perfectly clear.

[@kaiesalmahmud6782]

this video is absolutely beautiful and clear. it's your problem that you are looking for exact answers when this video's goal is to put ideas into perspective.

[@maestroh2986]

We're programmed by culture and media to think of 'being nice' in negative ways, but it's not how we really are.....did you watch the video??

[@amarbhujbal]

I don't know if I should like the video or dislike it.

[@SetsuRyuuji]

then be nice and like it lol

[@theschooloflifetv]

We love that answer.

[@EatDaPancake]

The School of Life why

[@eviealexander7527]

LOL!!!!

[@alva2004]

I think another way of seeing it is that people could potentially feel uncomfortable displaying kindness or niceness because of *fear of intimacy and of people's expectations.* A fear of intimacy isn't all that uncommon, which I think really stems from a fear of rejection. Now, if you have a fragile sense of self, an "I will let people down" attitude doesn't seem to be all that uncommon, so I think insecure people might avoid being nice and instead take on a roll of arrogance in order to not feel like they're "fooling" anyone. In a way they're trying to let people down instantly instead of dragging it out and turning it into a long, painful process. That way they also get rid of any pressure they might feel as a result of people's expectations of them. "If I'm kind people are going to expect that of me in the future. Wow, they're gonna be so let down when they realise that I'm an asshole". That kinda thing.

[@Luxmans]

Recently discovered this channel, every video I watch it's like they're reading my mind. Feels good to know there are a load of others with similar beliefs built on similar foundations, quite cathartic.

[@lectorintellegat]

For what it's worth, I've a PhD in the subject of Christianity. The analysis that says Christianity has [a] advocated 'niceness' and [b] associated worldly success with a lack of 'niceness' is absolutely ludicrous. For one, 'niceness' is not a biblical category, nor a category discussed throughout the vast majority of church history. Conflating traditional virtues with niceness is an incredibly sloppy move, one that ultimately serves to dilute what we actually mean by those things. And secondly, the vast majority of Christian theology does not despise success - it is not money (in itself) that is said to be the root of all evil, it is the *love* of money. Joseph of Arimathea, for example, is often cited as a wealthy man who used his affluence for godly purposes - i.e. the provision of Jesus' tomb at risk to himself. Even the main visual reference used here in this video to support this point - that of Scrooge - ultimately belies this point, with Scrooge being a successful individual who ends up using his success to help others. (Seeing the Christ child in the season, as Dickens would say.)

[@charlita25]

I was once told I would too nice. Imagine that.

[@randycaston6217]

It's hard to be nice when you feel bad. But when you do things to feel good then that takes away from time to be nice. There has to be some times where you're not nice.

[@user-en6gb8gz1k]

00:00:56 Christianity: Nice but Weak 00:02:16 Romanticism: Nice but Boring 00:03:12 Capitalism: Nice but Bankrupt 00:03:46 Eroticism: Nice but Unsexy Excellent explanation of the lasting influences of these cultures on us.

[@martameshesha6703]

Being nice and kind is a decision that requires strength and solid personality which shouldn't be mistaken by weakness or compared with success

[@EirikXL]

Is this video directed only at boys being nice/exiting towards girls? I'm a boy and I find it incredibly attractive when girls are nice to me.

[@nastybeasty7502]

EirikXL It so is

[@notoriouswhitemoth]

These are gross simplifications, that ignore the subjective nature of the standards it's presenting. What constitutes success depends on what your goals are. What constitutes excitement depends on what interests you. What constitutes wealth depends on what you intend to use your resources for.

[@logictruth1]

wow....that's one way to miss the point...

[@notoriouswhitemoth]

Kazuya Mishima yes, because insulting someone for disagreeing with you by grossly misrepresenting their beliefs, for example saying that they've failed because they don't share your priorities, is an excellent way to promote the virtues of kindness.

[@logictruth1]

notoriouswhitemoth Calm down a bit that's not what they were talking about...

[@notoriouswhitemoth]

Kazuya Mishima 1. I am quite calm, thank you. 2. "Christianity... suggested that there might be a fundamental opposition between being nice and being successful" is false. Rather, Christianity teaches that not every notion of success is necessarily a worthwhile pursuit. It doesn't teach that kindness will lead to failure, it teaches that if your idea of success requires being unkind, you might be better off reconsidering what constitutes success.

[@logictruth1]

notoriouswhitemoth We associate success generally with large bundles of money which due to the nature of competative capitalism requires you to think and act selfishly with every monetary decision you make. That sounds pretty un-christian to me. And as far as I can tell it's influencing our psyche in that direction aswell. That said putting others needs before yours might seem like offering yourself for others exploitive nature thus setting them above you on the pecking order from that point of view. It's not that far fetched how these things might relate to one another in some peoples minds.

[@TravistheGREAT03]

One question for this whole video and idea. "What IS success?"

[@churros4613]

Because too many people who will take advantage of your niceness exists, resulting that if you're nice you'll get used

[@Bazonkaz]

People are nice for a variety of reasons. Some want to just use you, some just want to make things easier for both parties, some are just naturally nice. Being nice (not a push over) would do everyone some good. Niceness is most certainly a social mechanism as a means of processing our existence in a much more convenient method for both parties as well as feeding the belief that said nice person is "doing good", but some just genuinely want to make others lives easier. Some are so nice they're absolutely submissive and are in fact not nice for the virtue but as a cover for their meekness. It really is interesting the more I think about it. Thanks for the video

[@charlita25]

I like be 👍🏾 nice. However, I don’t like the repercussion of being taken advantage of.

[@jujase00]

the long-awaited answer to friendzone

[@gabrielnijland5848]

What if we all just started being nice, I don't want to live in a world where being nice is wrong so if you share my thoughts stay nice even if people say you shouldn't Good morning and in case i don't see ya good afternoon good evening and goodnight everyone💙

[@hepthegreat4005]

the school of life seems to discribe my exact opposite life experience. 1) I love finding deals and cheap things. 2) I love being nice. 3) I do not romanticize marriage, I view it as a partnership.

[@melanoma7220]

Honestly, I'm at a point where I'm giving up on being nice. A person can only take so much of being put in the back burner before they say "enough is enough." I have my boundaries and I will defend them.

[@P0Wmrang]

It is often very true that being kind and nice leaves you to be not as successful as others, but it is simply because you are living a different kind of life than them. While they are striving for power and desire and pushing away everything they can to get it, nice people choose to live a life of charity, dedication, manners, and respect. What Christianity is trying to say is that true niceness is a life decision. It requires not to be greedy, not to be driven by selfish desires, and not to treat people as obstacles. Essentially it is saying that true niceness comes to you if you ask for forgiveness and live your life for Jesus. I found it interesting that you chose Christianity as a part of the subject, and I wanted to chime in.

[@Junokaii]

I find it hard to be nice at times... yet at the same time it's all I can ever do. I hate hurting people's feelings, yet I'm honest enough to get me in trouble. It comes at the cost of assertiveness though. I struggle with assertiveness more than anything.. because I'm too nice. Then I decided to be assertive and became an asshole. Then I got depressed and lost everyone.. and now I'm neither. Metaphorically and perhaps literally in some ways I just smile and nod not knowing what to say. I go about life, just living day by day. I'm very lonely.. yet being around people is just.. so draining. People wanna hang with me yet it makes me feel more lonely most of the time. I guess nice guys really do finish last...

[@barniestormer6698]

You just need to smash up your ego my friend. I know this was years ago but I hope you snapped out of it.

[@Junokaii]

@@barniestormer6698 Sadly I feel it's more relevant than ever after re reading it. Kinda shocked actually. I'm just not sure how it's an ego thing because don't you have to have sorta high self esteem in order to have an ego? Cause I largely don't like myself.

[@barniestormer6698]

@@Junokaii If you know what an ego actually is we all have them. Its not just another word for cocky, smart etc. Ego is your filter that decides quickly how to react to incoming information. When you reset it you allow new and maybe happier reactions. Self loathing is fine if healthy and in balance, invest in yourself, because there is always a way to change what you dont like. You are not stuck with it im saying.

[@Junokaii]

@@barniestormer6698 Thank for this nice reply. And you're right. I haven't always been able to just accept when good things happen to me or to react better and in general think better. It's been a long hard journey my 20s have been and I'm praying to whatever higher power there might be that things will get better. Jumping on good opportunities and not letting the bad things in my life be bigger than they probably are.

[@barniestormer6698]

@@Junokaii we get wiser with age. Keep smiling and as Bruce Lee would say be like water.

[@stevekennedy5380]

Niceness is important because it can make others feel valued. However, people also value survival and they may associate rudeness with strength, an admirable trait in a friend.

[@kaiseiwert6520]

I love being nice but you also be assertive and honest. People respect proper discipline and self respect; treat nice people well, but you don't have to do what others want as well

[@itierney]

It never ceases to surprise me how this guy brings in S&M to EVERYTHING.

[@michaelnicholson6679]

Can you turn down the music a little for the next video? It distracts alot

[@wwaxwork]

Thank you. I really needed to be reminded of this.

[@freshinbuzz]

I used to be so nice until people started testing my patience

[@seyiayoade9886]

You can strike a balance between being nice and being wild. Being nice is not being foolish or weak, I’m a business man - I’m nice but I’m not foolish.

[@jerry1dc]

Every second is a choice and it’s so much richer being kind.

[@xisenki820]

Could you please include all the background music in the description?

[@Jess-nz7be]

Xi Senki just google classical you'll find it eventually especially in top 10 lists lol

[@cross-eyedliszt5183]

Xi Senki I know the first two mozart Turkish March and Chopin nocturne opus 9 no 2

[@a-Stalk3r]

Also Schubert "Serenade"

[@Ermude10]

Mozart - Turkish March Saint-Seans - Aquarium (Don't know the one during part 3) Chopin - Nocturne Schubert - Serenade Mozart Turkish March

[@bwv_1013]

1. Mozart. Rondo alla Turca - mvt. III of Piano sonata in A K331 2. Saint-Saëns. L'aquarium from Le carnaval des animaux 3. Chopin. Nocturne op.9 n°2 4. Wagner. Verwandlungsmusik from Das Rheingold 5. Schubert. Ständchen lied from Schwanengesang D957 arranged for cello and string orchestra

[@Elven.]

I love these videos with cultural references and the ones with creative animation, both are so cool!!

[@ifxman]

Awesome video topic, you guys rock! Here's what works for me. Be nice to nice people. If you have to deal with people that are not nice, be nice to them anyways. They probably need it more than you. And here's the "but" ... Never take shit from anyone! Being nice is not a weakness, actually takes inner strength to not punch idiots in the throat lol... Being a bully, looking down on others being a user and not a giver is a weakness of character. ~ Just a little happy thought for my day hahaha Have a hump'n day!!! PEACE OUT

[@foxsux6000]

Anger gets you everywhere.

[@CS-os7ks]

You can be nice when you have good boundaries.

[@emilgrges735]

I would really like to watch a video on the subject of ''Caring about what Others Think about You''

[@bearofthunder]

There is a difference though, between "nice" and "nice". Kindness is always a sign of strength, but "niceness" is more dubious when it is a way to avoid confrontation when confrontation actually would be the kindest action to take. In such situations "nice" can be "not right" or "not enough" and be actual weakness. One can be nice to a cruel boss, but it is not kind to let him get away with his cruelty at the expense of others. It is hard to discuss the issue in such general terms.

[@Manutallu]

I really appreciate this format, with movie scenes. Well done and thank you !

[@ajeff5864]

Niceness can be passionate.Important thing is not WHAT you are nice about, but HOW you are nice about someone or something.

[@megajennybenny]

Being nice is a rare trait, especially in internet. Many people often pretend fake indifference which is not true either. Fake niceness is significantly better than rudeness or indifference, because those indifferent/rude people are very insecure/weak inside and nice people are stronger. It is better to repay niceness to someone who is nice to us rather than mistrust or rudeness or at least until we find evidence that this person is not genuine. All this is in the context of strangers. Unfortunately, most people in this world are not capable of thinking beyond superficiality and make shallow judgements without evidence.

[@nmaurok]

I'm learning how to play Mozart's Turkish March on the piano, the background music was marvellous

[@stuart4341]

GravityTricks no one cares.

[@stuart4341]

GravityTricks no one cares. Jk that's cool

[@MultiSK8ER101]

Nice man! I wanna learn it too but it's just too difficult for me at this moment. Hope you get it down soon!

[@nmaurok]

Haha thanks! I'm pretty good at it at a slower tempo, but don't know much more than the beginning at the moment. You should give it a shot, it's not that hard with the right fingering.

[@Ines2525]

Very nice! Do you also know the song that was playing on the background before the Mozart one? Thank you :)