Why We Need Boundaries

We all have those people in our lives whom we love, but just ask too much of us. Establishing boundaries in relationships can be hard, but it is necessary. Even Jesus did it when he spent time with just his disciples, or just his apostles; or just Peter, James, and John; or even just his father in heaven.
Fr. Mike explains not just the importance of establishing boundaries, but how we could do so without coming across as glib or too honest.
He talks about how establishing boundaries will help us more effectively live the Christian life, and even help the one to whom those boundaries apply.
Check out Fr. Mike’s newest project Quick Catholic Lessons with Fr. Mike (bit.ly/2PmpYzw), a feature-packed teacher’s guide designed to accompany Fr. Mike’s most popular videos, presented on a convenient DVD. Teachers, catechists, and youth ministers can supplement USCCB curriculum, prompt small-group discussion, and answer students’ questions easily and powerfully with this teacher’s guide and DVD.
Fr. Mike is also a presenter in these faith formation programs from Ascension:
Belonging: Baptism in the Family of God (bit.ly/2vQgGRx)
Chosen: This is Your Catholic Faith (bit.ly/2nCKKLK)
Altaration: The Mystery of the Mass Revealed (bit.ly/2vG9KX2)
YOU: Life, Love, and the Theology of the Body (bit.ly/2raspVB)
Get 18 of Fr. Mike’s best Ascension Presents videos in this exclusive DVD from Ascension:
Ascension Presents … Fr. Mike Schmitz (bit.ly/2sKUnJN)
Fr. Mike spoke at the Ascension Cafe during the World Meeting of Families. Watch him and other speakers get fired up over the gospel in the Ascension Cafe DVD (bit.ly/2sYtQaW).
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[@heyjess7232]

I'm a recovering people pleaser and SO grateful you are talking about this!

[@marymacdonald1651]

Just curious. How do you recover from people pleasing.

[@heyjess7232]

@@marymacdonald1651 Years and YEARS of practicing boundaries, saying no, and re-learning the way to think and react to situations. I've been actively working on it for 10 years at this point, and for sure will be a lifelong process. Just one I get better and better at!

[@heyjess7232]

@@marymacdonald1651 therapy has helped, and my husband has helped.

[@maxinemcclurd1288]

Being a people pleaser made me a good nurse but outside of nursing it has caused me a lot of emotional scars.Seems like the joy sucking users can see me coming a mile away.I am overcoming and learning to say no with the help of a lot of prayer.

[@teenajoe22]

I have only started my journey and its hard. I'm finding it so hard to trust my judgement whether mine are good/harsh or if it's to the right people I'm setting boundaries or if I'm just sensitive to getting drained.

[@GG-gn9ei]

My parents are toxic. I had an abusive childhood. I struggle with setting boundaries. Please pray for me.

[@cynthiar6974]

🕯️🙏 communication is key...I was in the same boat as you until recently. I used to do things very very much on my own. But recently I started explaining, I have [ __ ] deadline to accomplish this goal. At [___] time I'll be home bc i will be working on this at [___] (location) but don't hesitate to call me if you have an *Emergency*

[@chembiz]

I've been there. I suggest reading the book "Toxic Parents" and seeking counseling to get help.

[@virginiapierlot4168]

Will do

[@gloria.R.7286]

Same. I know all about parents stepping over boundaries. I will be praying for you.❤

[@catherine6348]

I have set many boundaries myself and they don't matter. I understand your pain. Do what you need to do and remember that there is nothing wrong with you asking for qnd seeking the things that help you function healthily and happily...

[@grizzlydan8]

It took me about 40 years to learn the need to set boundaries and another 10 years to actually apply it in all areas of my life.

[@CherylMuir]

A mantra that helped me: It's safe to set boundaries with difficult people. No matter what they say or feel, I am safe.

[@sunflower312A]

Here in 2024 and I really needed the guidance from Fr Mike - thank you, Lord, for answering the questions in my heart that have been stressing me out 😟

[@yf777a]

A friend of mine, known for his generosity and willingness to help said; he learned to can't have too many 'hitched to your cart,' because then you will not be able to get anywhere. Yes, setting assertive necessary boundaries is charitable, non enabling, and prudent.

[@zoebrow8221]

Setting boundaries is way of having self-care. We cannot help with an empty depleted cup. Thank you Father Mike. This is a good video. Take care of yourself! The church needs priests to set an example of healthy boundaries. Taking time off is a boundary. If you need time to rest its okay to do so.God Bless you Father Mike may the Lord fill your cup to overflowing. .

[@jimmieoakland3843]

Funny, I was recently thinking about finding a priest and asking him about this very topic. There are some people that I am slowly distancing from my life, because they are such downers. Now, i would never abandon a friend who was going through a rough patch, but these are the kind of people who are chronically unhappy, even though they are in relatively happy circumstances. They bring me down, and there is nothing I can do for them. With or without me, they are determined to be unhappy, so it might was well be without. Thanks for clarifying my duties in these situations.

[@bulmaroperez2250]

For me setting boundaries for my mom is the hardest! She always tries to pull the mom card or Jesus wouldnt approve card! Until one of our Priest friends was over at our house for dinner and experienced it himself when my mom left he told me that i had to fire her ! Mentally and then let her know that she will always be my mother but that as grown women we needed boundaries. And exactly how you are saying Father it has been working. Little by little shes kinda getting it but it takes work and love!

[@maxinemcclurd1288]

I've just about bitten my tongue off to keep this from happening between me and my daughter.I remind myself of how I felt when Mom or Grandmother would give me advice or criticism on raising my kids.So far I'm the "good" Grandmother even though I cringe inside when my 4 year old grandson gets fast food junk or watches cartoons that i wouldn't approve of.My sweet loving little grandson gets on his knees when we pray and asked to be baptized in Grandmothers Church and my necklace with my crucifix on it is kinked from him kissing Jesus,such a blessing!

[@carinn.1402]

Wow! Glad to know I'm not the only one. My mother loves to pull the Jesus wouldn't approve card/honor your mother card. I struggle myself but since I've been married recently, its easier to lump my decisions as a "we" thing and she tends to step back because she respects the holiness of matrimony and she doesn't want to cross that boundary. It's funny to witness.

[@stephanieallred5222]

Ooh, very this! My mom crosses the line and I’ve really had to set firm boundaries. It’s tough but has been the best thing for our relationship.

[@mariaesparza4067]

oh my goodness, i'm in the same boat with my daughter. She comes off as really mean to me and instead of saying something she tells my mother!!! I've helped them so much that i thought they needed other help, but now i realize, i need to set boundaries with her.

[@berthahayden71]

Ok how are you doing this b/c My mom is just as bad as yours if not worse. So, what tips did he give you to be able to set up boundaries with my mom

[@dawntrudeau]

Wow! I love when God puts things right there in our path. I needed to hear this today. I say “I have to because that’s what Christians do.” ALL the time. For everything. Thank you Father Mike. 🙏

[@katiew6935]

This video was created for me. I am horrible with boundaries. It challenges me with being a lifeguard. I also get walked on so much that I end up lashing out on people who never hurt me.

[@able8310]

I don't post too often but this one I feel compelled to comment. I don't like boundaries. In a way it seems you just push people away because you're unsure of where your life is at that time. So in a place of fear or commitment or a sense of connection with someone, you push them away and call it setting boundaries. I think some people confuse boundaries with pushing someone away. I love to help. I will go out of my way. I don't like having boundaries with someone I truly care about because I am going to try my hardest to go out of way, or come to the rescue of my friends. I know what's it's like to be turned away and I don't like that feeling. Also, I love to just be helpful because it's my upbringing. Kind of as the saying goes "do unto others as you would have them do unto you."

[@carolcastaneda9931]

As a teacher, I've been struggling with this in the last couple of months. Thanks so much Father Mike, I really needed to hear this affirmation! ❤️🙏🏽

[@paulynerinto1197]

I needed to hear this 3 years ago.....I served none stop cause I felt guilty when I didn't. Our church community told each other all the time to serve till the die you die or you must be like Mother Mary saying yes without hesitation...I became so oblivious of everything else but the church and it almost cost me so much of the people close to me that I went into depression. I thank Fr Mike for bringing this up. This needs to be heard.

[@aikam7352]

God is truly speaking to me through you, Fr. Mike! Instead of opening the bible I decided to go to your channel and upon opening youtube this video was the first thing I saw. Amen! You are truly and wonderfully blessed! 🙏🥹

[@charliedallachie3539]

There is also the toxic kind of relationships (narcissistic or sociopathic), and they’ll take advantage or use you emotionally until you’re dry. In that case you need to disconnect and move on as best as you can as long as there is no ties to them like kids or family. In the latter case boundaries are very important.

[@nikkif.409]

I had a great pastor that would say in a very happy tone: "Okay, you need to go now." It threw me off but made me laugh too. I knew that was his line for everyone and it worked.

[@coopereitel7553]

Can't stop looking at that awesome beard

[@IONov990]

He's so cute

[@jooby4785]

It’s legendary

[@scarlet020100]

God made him so handsome so people will stop to listen; then His message hits you right between the eyes!

[@hienpham8536]

lol

[@Deezy07]

I'm here for the message he has. Not his beard.

[@joanhenry650]

Thank you Father...This was so good! Really helps me better understand a Christian way to set boundaries. I used to believe that loving my neighbor or honoring my father and mother meant I had to be a doormat. Your explanation helps me see how sometimes we can get things twisted when it comes to being a “good Christian “.Jesus is our role model!

[@joanhaselman444]

Thank you, Father Mike.

[@zelda4678]

THANK YOU FOR THIS FR MIKE ❤

[@KurffyOriginal]

Sometimes i forget about what I can and can't do when i want to live a life with christ..thank you Fr.Mikr

[@fadiajokhaji]

I don't know how i came upon your videos but i'm glad i did. i love your videos and your soul. God bless you Father

[@Alexa-kb7fl]

Thank you Fr. Mike -- I’ve always had difficulty setting boundaries, so this lesson is very helpful for me - especially when the advice is from a priest like yourself.

[@IceWolve67]

I needed this. Too many times did I grew to close to people and then, when I felt it was dangerous due to me not setting boundaries. It was too late. Especially with people from the other sex

[@judyschell8533]

Hi Father Mike Schmidz Thank you for teaching us things we've forgotten over the years and you make it easy to understand. God Bless you

[@marciafab7]

It takes great wisdom to judge different situations. May love and justice be our compass. Thank you for this video. 🌹#Christourmuse

[@grabert26]

This is so spot on. My father and I have discussed this principal from a Christian perspective as well. I have a sibling and a mother in law that I have had to establish boundaries with. It isn't always easy, but my father has reminded me that my God given obligation is to my husband and then children before anyone else, and that if I choose to ignore that, then I am disregarding God's directive to me as a wife and mother. Therefore, no matter how I may THINK I am doing good by helping others, I am actually disobeying God.

[@kimfleury]

Wise dad.

[@joanhaselman444]

You are so blessed to have such a wise father who genuinely loves you.

[@clairemackness7974]

❤️Hi father! Thanks for always posting such great advice and thanks for always being excited and enthusiastic to preach!!❤️

[@jefffresh1745]

@hope hope / We have biological fathers whom we call father. Yes, all Glory goes to the Father in heaven. As catholic christians we understand this also.

[@michaelknapp8074]

Travel with me to Revelation 2 and 3. Jesus gave a revelation to John about 7 churches. There were more than 7 churches that existed at this time, but he specifically gave a revelation to these churches. In this letter he gives them a compliment for what they are doing right, criticisms for what they are doing wrong, and suggestions for how to improve. Basically like a report card for the church. What's mind blowing, is that these letters are prophetic. The exact same struggles each of these churches had are the exact same struggles the church has had since Jesus resurrection until his second coming. The church of Ephesus represents the first church. The church from 30ad to around 70 ad. They had folks who tried to introduce false doctrine, but they didn't tolerate it. They were on fire for God, but they were losing sight of their first love. The second church was Smyrna. Smyrna is where we get the word MYRRH. The word MYRRH means suffering or death. This church was persecuted heavily under the 10 Roman Empires from 70ad to 300 ad. The next church was Pergamus. This is a compound word meaning PER- Mixed or objectionable and GAMUS meaning Marriage. It's where we get the words polyGAMY and monoGAMY. Anyway, this was the mixed marriage church. It's when paganism and Christianity mixed under the leadership of Constantine. Constantine converted pagan temples to Christian churches, Pagan priest to Christian priest, Pagan Celebrations to Christian celebrations. It's where we get the traditions of Easter, Christmas, etc. It's where SUNDAY comes from. Pagans worshiped their false God's on Sunday, but Christians worshiped on Saturday. Constantine merged the two and called in SUNDAY in honor of the SUN GOD. .... All this is historical and Biblical. Visit romancatholicism.com - Roman Catholicism history, doctrine, etc. for more info.

[@travismulvaney4895]

.

[@travismulvaney4895]

.

[@KurtGodel432]

We all need me time.

[@DrexelGregory]

Incredible. This is exactly what I needed right now.

[@brandibrooks9076]

This is so helpful to me Father. I have been struggling with setting Boundaries with close family and friends. This really helped me understand why its necessary. Thank you!

[@katewilson4780]

God is perfect, this is a perfect video at a perfect time. Thank you so much. Peace be with you always 🙏🏻🕯❤️

[@R_Thomp]

Thank you Father

[@franciscolozanojr.]

Father I saw you In a video in my comformation class from the Chosen program and i flipped when I saw you😂

[@DavidValenzuelaRdz]

Such an important topic! And yes, it can seem confusing why a Christian would seem “so cold”, but that’s how we can balance our life and commitments.

[@alicerhea4432]

Most of the time I thought that saying yes to whom I dearly love is always the best thing to do. To say "no" was very hard, but in doing this I experience freedom, allow God to work in my life and allow others to stand on their own. For God always desire us to free.

[@Thomas-li4yy]

Fr. Mike is a champ. Great video!

[@newgalwaygirl]

This was the video I needed to see today! Praise God for our priests and in particular for Fr. Mike! Praying for all priests that they will speak the wisdom and truth of God always! 🙏

[@rossanasepulveda3782]

Father Mike you are so right and it's good to get affirmation that God will understand our limitations. I love your videos.

[@luzmariaperez2180]

Oh goodness. This was in my feed today. It was timely. thank you!

[@davidmorton2620]

I love you Father Mike. Thank you.

[@scarlettstoever8093]

This is the best explanation on boundaries I’ve come across. Thank you Father Mike!

[@Caribbeanmountainpropertiescr]

You have such good timing and I appreciate your humor.

[@jonnahdee9202]

Yes!!! Dr. Henry Cloud & John Townsend

[@paulrubio3918]

I appreciate your perspective. I feel like my mindset leans too much toward, "I have to be sacrificial like Christ was and serve others, not counting the cost to myself", but you clearly state it actually makes sense to set boundaries and ensure I can be at my best in serving others, just as Jesus took time for rest.

[@maureenangiuli4041]

I do needed to hear this right now Father Mike... Setting boundaries with my son who is an addict is the hardest task I've ever had to do. I couldn't do it for over 15 years. But I set it out in writing and vocally to him finally. I was feeling guilty because it seems like a contrary attitude as a Catholic mother...I was feeling so guilty! But your talking about how Jesus set boundaries was awesome for me to hear tonight! Thank you so much for all the great videos you share with me here in KZbin. God bless you always!!

[@janetandrews1306]

Great information Father Mike.

[@maryliddell6173]

Thank you Fr. Mike...very crucial points that you have addressed on communication, and how to set and maintain healthy boundaries. Thank you. Much Blessings.

[@wildrabbit1314]

So needed to hear this today. Thank you for posting.

[@kimberlysmiley0033]

That was super helpful, I'm not great at establishing boundaries cuz I don't want to get people annoyed with me, but I'd be a happier person and I think they'd be happier with the honesty as long as it is gentle honesty. Thanks Father! Mike!

[@crazasticTV]

I'm an atheist but some of these videos are still quite interesting. I do ignore tge spiritual stuff but I like that he also uses facts

[@user00578___]

well I hope it will make you closer to faith! God bless you!

[@mybee04]

Wish I would’ve learned this 20 years ago, but it Is NEVER to late! For some reason I really struggle with the catholic guilt of saying no, but I’m glad you made that point about Jesus setting boundaries!

[@soohoonhur6888]

The introduction makes me laugh. And establishing boundary is what I need to learn. Thank you Father. God bless you.

[@earthygardens4599]

I always am sweet .I have a sickness that i have had it all my life .people will respond to posative ..Cause i have five to seven kids that i work with . The last four days I had the flu .no flu shot that also gives me the flue .I of couse got it from baby sitting .no dont get paid .Thats ok .When i had my widdows .One nurse said to me .Dont let stress get to you if it is stressful get out of it I didnt even talk to my best friend for a yr.I went forward as always .Always knowing that things can cause u stress you dont need .Thank you father Mike .

[@RanMouri82]

Super important topic. Thank you, Fr. Mike! Also, your Scriptural reflection on Our Lord's boundaries reminds me of when He welcomed the children. The Apostles were trying to do crowd control and shoo the parents with kids away, but Our Lord told them "No, let the children come to me." So He declared the parameters of His boundaries at that time.

[@chibimirmo]

Fr. Mike, could you make a video on Saint Thérèse of Lisieux and her Little way. You could make a little advent video series on it since there is so much to her little way. 🌹🌹🌹 Blessings from Denmark 🇩🇰🕊

[@hienpham8536]

yesh

[@anastasiae7392]

Hi Fr Mike. How timely! You are on the button with this advice...truly, all glory to God as I'm busy reading the book😁

[@Debras56]

Thanks, Fr. Mike! Setting boundaries can be such a struggle! I really appreciate your take on good Christian boundaries. This was very helpful for me 😊!

[@lizbethcasas-fg6pb]

Thank you so much for your videos. They are really helpful for a consistent and healthy lifestyle, emotionally and spiritually. Thanks for your time and service to God.

[@TheAAnne123]

It is a blessing to be INCLUDED in the activities that a family is doing ~ we older people should jump in with enthusiasm and participate/help or just have conversation while watching. 💕

[@Ryan-vv7jn]

what i've been looking for. Thank you Fr Mike! Much love!

[@Sarahbetho]

Thank you so much Father for this video! I soo needed to hear this!

[@LostArchivist]

While I knew this already knew this, I also know that my problems are not the only important ones. Thank you for covering this Father Mike. I know it is an issue mant have.

[@wyattE415]

I am glad you talked about this because I am the type that felt like I had to be 100% there or 0% there. I used to not be able to say no. Now it has almost reversed and I almost never respond to calls for socializing or anything like that, but, Lord willing, I will be able to find that happy medium with boundaries. Excellent video, Father.

[@razberrymist9475]

My brother was complaining once about how condescending my step mother was being, and he was saying how he was trying to be Christian and love her anyway. My sister looked him in the eye and said “the way your being treated, Jesus wouldn’t have stood for.” I was surprised but I realized it was true.

[@rociogarcia334]

Yes! Thanks for taking time to talk about this. May God bless you with more enlightenment to share for us.

[@MelissaDrinnon]

Thank you so much, Fr. Mike! This is exactly what I needed.

[@mbrv207]

Fr. Mike I swear I need this in my life right now!!! Your videos always reach me at the right time! :'( Thanks be to God!

[@twominutetips]

Thank you for this confirmation of setting healthy boundaries, something I've practiced for years. And when it's done with a healthy knowing, you can be clear in a very loving way as you suggested here. Many thanks Fr.

[@BusayomiOla]

Been in need of this message for like forever. Thanks so much Fr. Mike

[@michaelorsini9695]

Boundaries are very important. I've even had to cut off relationships that were not healthy to the point they were bordering on being abusive.

[@imalive4u169]

Part of it is also prioritizing for example my sisters and myself are taking care of our elderly father but we also have families of our own to take care of and jobs we work to provide for our families which comes first? I basically I have only one friend outside of work and my family. I keep in contact with him but we rarely get together and hang out because of my responsibilities and our work schedules. My boss and co-workers I don't regard as friends but associates I keep my outside life separated from my work life. So my priority is my family first, my job second because I have to provide for my family, and than third would my elder father than last would be my friend. My father can be very demanding sometimes and he tends to think that his children taking care of him should be their priority he doesn't realize that our children come first. There are people like this and they tend to get angry because they are not understanding that other people also have other responsibilities which come before them. There will be a time when as a parent even though you had always prioritized your children first one day you should be understanding that they will have children of their own and you will be a lower priority in their lives. An understanding person is accepting of that.

[@brianbaudoin1156]

I totally understand being a people pleaser and yes person. There's a scripture in Roman's 5 I think that talks about letting your yes mean yes and your no mean no that was really impactful in making me re-think that mentality

[@A.S2400]

I have narcissistic family members that drain me. BUT yes ! I have a responsibility to my parents especially. I’m tiring of the topic of “toxic people”. It’s in every arena right now. It’s everywhere !! I am glad to get a biblical approach to this.

[@NewNoise1]

Thank you father! Very relieving!

[@aligrace8135]

Thank you so much!! This is just what I needed for a friend that hasn’t been treating myself and others, especially my close friend in a kind way.

[@klausehrhardt4481]

Jesus was also available to those merchants in the temple and he knew well enough how to switch into badass mode: believe me, under certain circumstances, charity requires us to kick some butts for their own sake.

[@mokregina2064]

Thank you, Fr Mike! This teaching really help me a lot.

[@ruthnoelmarie...9061]

Oh yes, boundaries are so very important...Amen... 🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻

[@marvinmansueto6081]

Thank you Fr Mike...great video as usual. I do tend to say yes to help when I feel at that very moment I should have said no. I tend to overhelp and find it hard to let someone down. It does, yes, drain my time and energy. I am learning to say no. I know people who are so stressed out by this and have no power to rule a boundary...they settle it by nagging behind the person's back.

[@gwagon6506]

Thank you Father Mike, as always 🙏🏻

[@vilmabock478]

Appreciate your honesty! 😊

[@marcacham5130]

Thank you so much Fr. Mike! I needed this. I thank God for you and this video!

[@paulhill7726]

Thank you Fr Mike ❣️

[@noemie6804]

I just saw this in my recommended. Couldn't come at a better time. Thank you.

[@lisakourkafas6410]

My father was always emotionally and physically abusive. The last conversation I had with him, he told me - you are stubborn obstinate and were always unlovable. This happened after I challenged him in his Narcassim because I had started exploring why it is. I can not tell myself I love myself and still can't. I have cut off contact, but I ask my brother and sister about him, and right now, I am working on forgiving him. And even though I forgive him, I am not going to invite him back into my life.

[@SevenDeMagnus]

Thanks Fr. just in time. God bless, Proverbs 31

[@NewNoise1]

I needed this.

[@makailahsarmiento200]

This is really helpful I never really had a social adult to be around so I don't know when to draw a line or how to be a good Christian I'm kinda just figuring stuff out So thank you

[@maggie7843]

Amen. Just 🙏

[@ianmackenzie686]

Well done, as usual.

[@julialopes5054]

Very blessed vídeo! Thank you Fr Mike!

[@chissstardestroyer]

#ASKFRMIKE I actually can *NOT* agree more with the premise of this! Maxed out already in support for your position here, Fr. Mike! Why? I know that without bounderies, especially to what I'm responsible for, I'd be the absolute *worst* control fanatic imaginable- practically in some sense my own little "god", trying to control literally *EVERYTHING*! THANK HEAVEN FOR BOUNDERIES, and that's not blasphemy, that's a prayer!

[@marier4329]

Another fantastic video. Thank you Fr.

[@lisawilliams5281]

Godbless you Father.

[@berenicecurro6013]

Thank you so very much! I wish I could have seen this a few years ago, it would have saved me from a lot of heart breaks.

[@deannaschlabach]

Wise words! ☺️🙏🏼

[@jeanettepacanos9372]

I think it is more Christian to be honest about your boundaries than to keeping up with other people's expectations half-heartedly. It's only a matter of how to say things charitably.

[@momofpkd]

Thank you for this timely advice! Very helpful. (And thanks for speaking at my diocese's Made For Happiness assembly in Lansing, MI, in September!)