Why Won't The Borderline Hoover? Are They Thinking About Me?

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[@MrFingerz14]

You can do everything right in these relationships and they’ll still treat you like garbage. Thats one of the most painful parts. Doesn’t matter how attractive, loving,giving,supportive,kind,understanding, or successful you are. They’ll devalue you and possibly discard you the same. It’s basically a nuclear bomb to your self esteem.

[@ksrari334]

do they try to come back? leave doors open?

[@MrFingerz14]

@@ksrari334 Some will Hoover and some won’t for whatever reason. Most will in some regard eventually from the many many stories I’ve seen. As to leaving the door open, yep many will do that as well. The fear of rejection/abandonment keeps some of them from reaching out directly, even if they want to. So they tend to leave doors open so you can reverse Hoover them. Don’t fall for it though, it’s a trap.

[@pythonpatrol1110]

At the end of the devaluation phase, my ex-girlfriend did everything to cause a fight with me even when I was appeasing her. I finally blew up at her and walked away. A few days later, she returned some of my personal items and pissed and moaned that I abandoned her when she needed me the most. You are correct that you can literally do no right with these people and they refuse to take any accountability for their actions.

[@geoffreybester7953]

They discard cause they not getting their needs met

[@JohnMoran]

@@ksrari334 My experience of the last months, which is very simliar to past relationships in some ways, they'll play with it, to see if they can get you, and then discard you again. And every time it feels worse.

[@johnsmith1034]

They are granting you a blessing by not contacting

[@Happy-Me.]

The quiet borderline that are avoident are less likely to hoover as they struggle with the thought of being rejected especially from the favourite person who more than likely has imprinted on them.

[@neodistinct]

Yes. And that is sad.

[@nicholasodosey5406]

Still hurts but yes.

[@nessence4u]

Yes. If you were a solid person in her life beyond what she's ever previously experienced emotionally, etc., then she was definitely imprinted by you as a man in MULTLTIPLE ways beyond the extent of her comfort or understanding. In turn, this imprinting makes you very dangerous to her psyche/core because in essence you got through and gained CONTROL over her in functions that she had never experienced, which is threatening to her; it is foreign to her to have been "core-penetrated" that deeply.

[@rvpessanha]

No contact forever, there is no conextion them, they are Robot

[@Artistguy86]

Hurts to know that I meant nothing to her. But her ex that she cheated on me with (and now is with) was always someone she cares about.

[@rvpessanha]

He ‘s The partner preferid. No contact forever you ‘re Free, they are monster.

[@darthvader78441]

If untreated, they are not capable of loving anyone.

[@DeMarsCoaching]

If she doesn't love herself she doesn't care about anyone else. Its most likely a toxic addiction where she feels more comfortable with because he may never leave her? I promise, its not how you see it and you are being hard on yourself.

[@Artistguy86]

@daviddemars It's because he never gave her commitment, cheated on her, is quite older than her (almost 20 years), not good looking, out of shape, and doesn't have much in his life. Like you have said many times, some people can't get many people to get into relationships with (healthy people). I feel my ego is bashed, and that I was just a rebound to my ex after what they ended before me. I've always been good to her, was very honest, fit, financially stable, and her friends and family loved me. I just can't get over the good times we had.

[@LovelyDay-vv7fd]

The pain and devastation they inflicts on the person that really love them and care for them .....its unbelievable THEY ARE MONSTERS no contact will save your mind

[@jcdezmen]

i know she won't hoover cause she exposed herself with her shitty behavior and she most likely thinks I'm gonna embarrass her. which she is correct.

[@ksrari334]

😂😂😂

[@ezukubuzo]

Great content - a month after breakup with BPD ex, it feels like having a good colleague on a hard long hike.

[@Morty586]

My ex has bpd and she loved me, she moved an hour away from where I lived and I don’t have a car. She broke up with me on impulse and blocked me and got with my best friends brother. They’ve been together for two months now. I don’t think she’s ever coming back.

[@orionism42]

If she never comes back then lucky you.

[@MarcoElias344]

Updates?

[@ForestDruid-TN]

Why would you want her back? Move on brother

[@kellyandaaron2005]

Your information & advice is always helpful. I've also found Prof Sam Vaknin's channel very interesting in learning more about these disorders. I knew very little about the complexities involved until about 8 months ago. I'm thankful to you & others that are bringing more awareness.

[@DeMarsCoaching]

Thank you very much Kelly.

[@Happy-Me.]

With my relationship as a Favourite Person with a BPD who during our 3 and a half years has professed her love for me so many times and demonstrated it too. But sadly I will always trigger her fear of rejection and abandomment. I don't know for sure but I believe that when I discarded her and during her time away from me she had a "collapse" which traumatized her and she is now petrified of this happening again even though she wants to be with me. Thats why I believe she wants to remain friends with me which keeps me in her life without her feeling engulfed and fearful of abandonment. Having said this it would be a short time before she would demand that I am with her and no one else! I hope that this makes sense. Great video again David.

[@arifinisarifin]

I just got a Hoover email a this week and after some time thinking about it and everything I’ve learnt here (substantially, significantly and with so much gratitude) and elsewhere I found myself having a really beautiful moment of clarity or something. So taking your advice I decided to write about it for the first time this in I guess a journal entry. I hope in sharing it might help those that have experienced what we have experienced help in finding the next small step home and back to themselves. I’m not there either but I think we can do it. I am enough … She wrote me an email last night at about 2am. I read it and segmented, paragraph by paragraph each containing signs and intentions that with each repetition of eyes flowing over and through drew synaptic connection to recent knowledge, insight, understanding, correlation of the controlled. Lines do connect. X does mark the spot. Thunder always follows lightning. There is no shadow in the front room, undefined and amorphous figures to figure out. The boogie man kneels to tie his shoes, forgets where he left his keys. Bael is banal with the lights on. I am enough. I am enough but why is that so? I am organic free range eggs of different shades, shapes and textures. Some speckled with feathers, fecal matter and debris. I crack open into textural clouds of comfort, erupting steaming content. To all now fall softly and slowly to only what it is. And only what it needs to be. Which was always ok. And what it is. And what it only needed to be. I am enough. I always was.

[@rorywright5692]

Beautiful, too!😎❤️

[@DeMarsCoaching]

You are always enough and necessary. Good writing.

[@ksrari334]

Love this

[@orionism42]

The reason it was at 2 AM in the morning is because if it was like mine she just got done having sex with another supply and she was on here way home and was lonely since they always have to have someone or interacting with somebody and she shot you a email. She probably sent it to several other people too they don't change they are all trash.

[@JohnMoran]

I got mine after being discarded 2 months ago, by someone I thought was the love of my life for 8 years. She was literally a different person overnight, cruel and dishonest. Now it's 'very important' to her to be friends, and 'help' me. There are all these ways she's still connected to my life and business - and, I do need her, for my immigration status in Europe, all kinds of real things. I don't know what to do, I had commited to being as low contact as I possibly could, I was going to be pleasant but express as little emotion as possible. One phone call it's all over, and I made plans to see her tomorrow, while I'm sure she's with her new 'love' right now while I'm alone and thinking of her. I'm afraid to hurt her and 'lose her more', after she destroyed me 2.5 months ago in fornt of all my friends. Like I said, I hate myself for it.

[@doctordrabs]

Great video David

[@DeMarsCoaching]

Thanks Jim!

[@rikkyetti5222]

Thanks for this. It goes through my head a lot.

[@DeMarsCoaching]

Thank you Nikky!

[@osozay3201]

My babys mother has bpd , im now a single dad with a 3 month yr old we co parent but she just doesnt care at all with how she destroyed our relationship, never has took accountability for her actions & she loved me one day and the next was completely gone

[@Kiraschwarze]

Thank you for explaining. It must be horrible whats going on in their heads.

[@georgbaur4841]

Happy to see your channel growing🎉

[@juliejarrett4508]

That was so good….you really do have a gift! I'm way too empathetic and forgiving and I need this (kinda) blunt, truthful, straightforward approach that you have. It really is what it is. Sadly.

[@emilemerten6535]

Hi David Thank you for the video

[@nicholasodosey5406]

Thanks for this. Still working this over 2 years. I got not compatible bye, broken engagement. Tried talking for months got never coming back. I sent her one letter, she didn't say anything but her son sent a nasty text, which is fine. That's the last contact for a year. No hoover hurts but it's for the best. I think this is the only and final discard

[@heidiabdi5642]

David could you explain this behavior please .. in the beginning he kept telling me he loved me, constantly talking about the future… to then after 7 months keep saying, don’t know what I want, unsure, putting friends first before me, making me feel sad and down all the time, always an excuse why he won’t move in… I just don’t understand it, why would someone want you to feel sad all the time x

[@orionism42]

I can, he found someone else. You were not the favorite anymore. They are all the same it starts out like super with intense sex and love and as soon as they get you hooked and they know they got you they start the BS like your describing because they found someone else and the reason about the sad part is because they don't and never gave a shit about your feelings. Everything is about them. Your just a object to be used for their pleasure. You may think they are giving you pleasure but the pleasure they are getting is 10 fold higher than what your getting. They are all the same just a empty shell and they make you regulate their mood. It's sickening.

[@bad.chickie66]

@@orionism42yes 6 years of bullshit and ended with her monkey branching, getting pregnant within one month, and gushing about him as if they were married already. Sick fucks.

[@pakanenu]

I wish I could help her but I'm also scared of what she's capable of. I didn't realize when we first met how deeply I would fall. Two months no contact and I'm still confused and heart broken. Last we spoke I asked if I could call her and she said maybe. I didn't know how to take that so I didn't. I know it's for the best but I still want her even though I know she'll destroy me. Bright side I've learned more about psychology, mental illness and childhood trauma than I ever thought I would and im using it to look at my own faults and trying to become better. Life's hard

[@kevinwillz6457]

The woman you're talking about no longer exists I know that's hard to grasp but it's true the exact same thing just happened to me 30days ago she told me that she thought I was her twin flame and she was never able to be herself she was always smiling and so happy and then 1day out of the blue she went back to her narcissist ex who treated her bad which will last another 30-60days but just some advice if you're not able to be a vindictive S.O.B. don't ever go back to her & also realize that she is screwing another guy so if can't look at her as a piece of A@# then don't look at her at all

[@pakanenu]

@@kevinwillz6457 I wasn't planning on it. Just sucks to learning all this. And thanks bro. Sorry that happened to you. We deserve better

[@ksrari334]

You're doing just fine. You'll be okay

[@orionism42]

You should seek some professional help. She said maybe to destroy you. They don't care about any of us. It's all about them. Your just a pawn on the chess board they don't care about you. The sooner you learn they never gave a shit about you and they never loved you they only love what you can do for them the sooner you can start to heal and move on with your life rather than wasting it on someone that doesn't give a shit about you. When you start to heal and move on you'll feel better about yourself and you won't tolerate BS from losers just sucking your focus and your energy that never cared and still don't care about you.

[@thecry4]

What do you mean by "hoovering?" I only know that used with Vacuuming but I don't understand it in the context of whatever this is.

[@bizznesg]

A way to pull you back in, suck you back in like a Hoover vacuum. Hence the term Hoover.

[@DeMarsCoaching]

Yes, its a reference to the vacuum meaning that an abuser returns to you and attempts to suck you back in to a relationship.

[@thecry4]

@daviddemars oh I see, never heard this before.

[@exwhy7007]

My BPD ex of 2 years had her new bf text me on super bowl Sunday. He asked why I was calling her?? It was past midnight and I don’t doubt someone did call her but she damn well knows it wasn’t me. Is that considered a hoover or what is it? We dated for 2 years and haven’t spoke since mid December 2023. She also has cptsd and anti social personality disorder. Has this ever happened to anyone else?

[@orionism42]

I doubt she knew he was probably going through her phone and found your number. When you hide your phone as much as they do the new BF became concerned and found your number as well as 2 or 3 other men she was talking sex too at the same time as he was texting you. Nothing but liars and cheats everyone of them.

[@JohnMoran]

Perhaps, he was jealous about someone else she was in the process of replacing him with - as they do - and blamed you, because she'd already made you a bad guy in his eyes.

[@exwhy7007]

@@orionism42 you’re right. She called me a couple months ago with a new number. I should’ve hung up when she said who it was.. I asked about this incident. She cheated on him their first week living together. She didn’t know he text me. She tried hoovering me because she was homeless and wanted to get back with me 🤣 🤮

[@exwhy7007]

@@JohnMoran yup the dude must’ve been on edge. They’re never faithful and constantly talk about their exes. Funny but the dude reached out again last month asking about her as if I knew her whereabouts. I didn’t feel bad for him because he knew she was dating me when they were fooling around. Nothing but bad memories with that 🐕

[@tugnormoustuglicous1303]

Everyone needs to understand that these abusive monsters cannnot and will not and have never loved you or anyone else. They can no easier love someone than a blind person can see. They cant do it. Get over it move it, keep them out of ur life.

[@lauralau1377]

How to stop the anxiety? My heart rate is over 100 today. I didn't know my ex has BPD until the last break up. Her mother told me. I feel so bad. And I feel bad of thinking on moving on with my life, I didn't know he had mental issues. He never told me. I'm so confused.

[@Jeff-kq9vg]

Keep up the good work coach, your video's are gold. Greetings from The Netherlands.

[@joeskwara5823]

My female bpd friend lied to me recently and couldn’t handle the challenges I was putting towards her. Suddenly, she sent me an email, which was very nice saying how she is really struggling with her emotions and what other people are doing to her and yes, other people are hurting her, so she said she needed a mental break. Her mother and husband put her through the emotional ringer, and I don’t just take her word for it as she sends me all of their texts and she secretly record videos of them. She told me when she would be in touch with me again, which is probably about a month. Part of what she said was 100% accurate but part of me thinks that this is part of her Devaluing me, preemptive abandonment of me and potentially hoovering me in the future and that and itself makes me upset. I am absolutely codependent, but she is as well and admits it so I don’t know what the game is

[@bad.chickie66]

She’s cheating on you. Mine did that to me. She left and got pregnant within a month.

[@JadedGenXer]

Can you please do something about the change of the name of BPD. Was it changed in the dsm5 rt or the ICD 11?

[@fortutgwiki7390]

Who cares. Let’s focus on the damage these kinds of personalities do to people. It’s really not ok. Why does nomenclature matter?

[@aludtke86]

She abandoned in me way before I left her

[@notallgarbage]

My BPD ex-friend made sure the friendship could not resume one day, when I told him this friendship was over. How can you make a U-turn, with your King Tiger tank, and cross that river again, in the opposite direction, IF YOU BLEW UP THE BRIDGE?!?! That's what he did... blew up the bridge...

[@frechdachsoink]

great video

[@lathonjonesdowning2844]

my gosh i just realized i truly do need help. wow. ughh.

[@cowboynohorse]

We all need help sometimes. It's nothing to be ashamed of. Take comfort in realizing this. God will give to you power, love and a sound mind.

[@mmagggg]

i wish he wasnt with anyone else. 12 years on and off. one day he said he loved me and one week later he was living with his new girlfriend. idk if he’s idealizing her or if they are actually in love, but it makes me want to d1e.

[@shenghun]

What does hovering mean?

[@void1718]

Rekindling , trying to come back into our lives .

[@DeMarsCoaching]

Like a Hoover vacuum, they try to suck you back in.

[@philipmillard3178]

Have been watching a lot of your content David. I have a question. It seems there are a considerable number of BPD sufferers in society. People that comment here or on other channels tend to be partners or ex partners. At what point do individuals get in front of a psychiatrist ? If they are not being seen professionally then who is doing the diagnosing ? What does it take for someone to say "ah I'm BPD" ?

[@cindyc]

🤗👍

[@kingofuganda]

I believe mine won't hoover as i am sure she smeared my after break up. Also i sent her a message in which i told her all her bad traits and that she was very manipulative. It was the day i had to put my dog down so i was very emotional. She then blocked me everywhere and i am now the evil one i am sure even though i apologized later for what i said to her. Thats funny as she treated me like shit before, triangulation, insulting, ignoring me for days for being late 10 minutes. She also told me she was pregnant at the beginning of our rs and i told my parents im going to be a father. It was a lie, maybe a test or sth. After breakup she wanted to report me to police as she said i broke into her house. I would never do anything like that. Now i am the evil one and the worst part is, a part of me somehow believes it even i also know i would have done everything for her. Second borderline girlfriend in 3 years and i am completely broken.

[@JohnMoran]

Trust me, smearing you won't stop them from trying to mess with you again. Especially with the smearing variety, protect yourself, at ALL costs! What might be a wonderful evening for you out of blue can be them making up a horrible story about you, to 'save their public image'. It's happened to me, run away forever.

[@neodistinct]

10 fkin years and she monkey branched 9 month ago. Posting how happy she is. But still having new scars from self-harm. Curious why.

[@DeMarsCoaching]

Nikki! Doesn't throw how she feels and sounds delusional and creates false narrative and harms herself to calm her anxiety.

[@Joshy2-E]

They have a lack of self, they feel a lot of things all the time, relationship or not. They are never "happy", hence the self-harm. They're on La La land sometimes with their absolute magical thinking, but most of the time they're simply miserable. They tend to self-harm when things get too much, their brains literally go thoughtless and it happens without any real thought. It's scary and very sad that this is how they've learned to cope with their pain. You can bet there's a whole host of reasons for the triggers of it, but all very much stress related. So fear of abandonment and engulfment are sure up there, but also shame and guilt. it can be self-punishing behaviour. I'm sorry you had to go through 10 years and got monkey branched on, nobody deserves that, its absolutely horrible.

[@orionism42]

@@Joshy2-E Always miserable

[@jcdezmen]

My borderline ex went and made videos about me calling me a narcissist and a sexual predator. She and this punk created a channel called the "unbiased truth" just to slander me. You've seen this. remember?

[@KTKaute]

Um, I have BPD. We dont do these games, we just act on how we feel. There is no hoovering etc. We are not narcissists 😂 I've stayed in two long term relationships. One where I put up with cheating for 8 years and the second was putting up with emotional abuse where I kept trying to get out but was too weak to. I only recently got out but it's been another 8 years. We tend to put up with abuse because it feels more normal to us than it would to someone else. I guess you could misunderstand my weakness of going back to my ex over and over again as "hoovering" but im not the one who reaches out to make me come back, he does. Im just trying to get stronger and stay away longer each time so i can finally stay away. Each time i go back i hope things will change and he will treat me better but he crushes all my hope every time. I must have tried to end things alot by now and failed. Hopefully this time will be the end. I have problems with letting go and wish i didnt

[@FreedomInJesusChrist222]

You are playing the victim and blaming others just like every other borderline 😅😅😅😂😂 No accountability!

[@gariadvogadoadv2766]

Shhhhhhhhhh

[@reneegardner2286]

As someone who has BPD, I don't hoover ..but yes i always think about my FP. Many times our FP is also a narcissist who is our abuser. so i wouldn't be hoovering. he hoovers me

[@FreedomInJesusChrist222]

How long after breaking up or separating from your FP did you keep thinking of him/her, or did you never, have never stopped? Thanks!!

[@reneegardner2286]

@stmichaeldefendusinbattle9876 all the time there's limerance bc of the trauma bond.

[@FreedomInJesusChrist222]

@@reneegardner2286 thank you so much for your reply. I really appreciate it. This explains why I feel the way I do. After two years of no contact, I cant stop thinking about her every single day. Somedays it’s not too bad. And even though I am with someone else, and somewhat happy, deep inside i am not, becauseshe’s is always in my mind. Thank you for the perspective.

[@reneegardner2286]

@stmichaeldefendusinbattle9876 you're welcome I totally get it

[@madmarlowe1422]

Life-long BPD woman here, and in every broken relationship, I viewed the man as the villain. I would show up with a new guy days after being dumped. I made sure to look beautiful and laughed and smiled. My way of revenge, was to make sure the guy knew he meant nothing to me and was replaceable. I married a man with dependent personality disorder and have two young adult kids. He is the only man I will ever care about aside from my late father.

[@WiseHodor]

Honestly, fuck you if you don’t take accountability and apologize to those you hurt and get help.

[@feynou]

Sounds like you're proud of it

[@jfdhkdfskn1024]

Wow. I wonder if you realize or even care that you sound cold and evil?

[@Joshy2-E]

If there's anything I've learned, I think it's incredibly reductionistic to say that people with mental health disorders can't have relationships. On the other hand, more often than not, the relationships do fall apart yes. If the relationship lasts and they stay together (no matter the level of "evil" from one or both ends) is it for us to say that someone sounds cold and evil? They were pretty much raised by people like that their whole lives under no control of their own. It's virtuous to say we'd do the right thing and put ourselves in therapy before we have such relationships. The world sadly doesn't work that way and if you were to switch bodies with them, you'd do the exact same thing due to the circumstances and the fact you'd have their neglect/perceived neglect from a young age. They were failed as children, it's not entirely their fault. Just my view on the matter, there's absolutely no point in vilifying them.

[@madmarlowe1422]

@@jfdhkdfskn1024 I know I sound evil, but I wanted to be completely honest. I was perpetually angry and felt like life was always beating me to a pulp and I was only defending myself. I am halfway finished with a book about my BPD coupled with living 7 years with a terminal illness. A lot of borderlines will be coming after me, since I give the ugly, unvarnished truth.

[@KatherineLevesque-qv2yk]

I listened to you for awhile and I don't think that you know how to you say what people feel when you're not them . I think you need to be silent. Maybe you are BPD.