Why you're so vain (& why that's okay)

[@TaraMooknee]

TO BE CLEAR: I'm talking about cosmetic surgery, *not* reconstructive or facial feminization surgery. I use "plastic" and "cosmetic" interchangeably - my bad. To quote a commenter: "for example a person getting reconstructive surgery to treat their burn scars is obviously in a different situation than someone getting a nose that fits our beauty standards more." And I think it's the same for gender affirming surgery. For a video that explores beauty and surgery from a trans perspective here's Contrapoints' 'Beauty' kzbin.info/www/bejne/pGrQpKODf7mBe7s ALSO sorry I keep moving the microphone so the volume keeps changing, will bear in mind next time 🙊 🤦‍♀️

[@Veep_The_Goblin_Hermit]

[@rooboatdeer22yu51]

I just recently found out that sexual trauma is not only physical and psychological, can play out grandly. You do not have to be personally physically experienced. A lot more people than you might be comfortable imagining, of both genders are sleeping with people they aren't actually fully attracted to. Most people are not having intercoarse at the best blissful capacity possible for men and women. Since we're living in an imperfect traumatic Society, whatever your cultural background your lens will most likely have that programming until you recognize that. I think looks have a bit to do with it, but after research on psychology and spirituality , it's obvious a whole nother side of intimacy and healthy sexuality/senuality and it's role in having a vibrant life/healthy mind isn't discussed. I don't have Yogananda, Jesus, Kwan Yin, Ram Dass perfect love for Andrew Tate or Donald Trump, but instead of being a personal offense to my eyes as the were before. They are now a reminder to me that unresolved trauma is reenacted over and over if you don't make the choice to heal within. It's sad.

[@bluest_jay]

i thought this was a lovely perspective. i saw contrapoints' video a while ago and it's a nice pairing. you always make me reconsider certain perspectives and give me a lot to think about. excellent video.

[@hoshi4042]

but doesn't FFS subscribes to beauty standards too ? for exemple lots FFS include rhinoplasty but it's not uncommon to find cis women with strong noses.

[@thomasstone3480]

@@hoshi4042 i mean i think there's an inescapable connection to normative standards of 'femininity' in ffs or most forms of feminization- voice training, breast implants, srs, whatever- that can, among other things, lead to people shitting on those who can't afford them or otherwise don't want to go in that direction as 'fake trans' but that said, pursuing feminization can be a matter of simple safety in a transphobic society, and while gender dysphoria and body dysmorphia are related the former more often actually does lessen with some specific procedures, while the latter often gets worse. so like, it _is_ different from the pursuit of beauty standards, even if they're inescapably intertwined

[@IAmNotAWoodenDuck]

What I've noticed as someone who isn't "conventionally attractive" is that people who are considered ugly are so quickly chastised for being vain. I'm fat and am expected to do something about it, but if I put on makeup or wear a nice dress or get some nice earrings it immediately triggers the "dressing up a pig" type comments. People wonder out loud why I'm doing it, who I'm doing it for. But if I dress casually and don't put on makeup I'm "letting myself go." It's either too much or too little with no in between. I'm vain or I'm a pig. And no matter what, I'm "kidding myself." I've stopped wearing makeup because of sensory issues and it genuinely BOTHERS people. But it ALSO bothered people when I did wear makeup. If I say I'm fat, people will fall over themselves to tell me "nooo, you're not fat, you're so pretty," but when I say I like my looks people get angry. Because I'm expected to improve.

[@Strwbrrypancakes_]

As someone who also isn’t considered “conventionally attractive” I feel you. I’ve gotten comments questioning why I’m wearing makeup or that I “look like a clown” for putting on a bit of glitter, I’ve gotten comments for cutting my hair, I’ve gotten comments for putting on whatever clothes I want because I’m “fat and shouldn’t be wearing something like that”. It’s so exhausting. But then if you don’t wear makeup you’re also doing something wrong. Make it make sense. We really can’t do much as breathe without someone telling us we’re doing it wrong

[@lampje5185]

People seriously just can't let fat people live their life. I'm sorry you have to deal with all that

[@mim_mimm]

this hit very close to home

[@picahudsoniaunflocked5426]

Fatphobia actively kills, too. I have to go on prednisone for my flareups so tho I knew the research on medical bias from my education + interdisciplinary science reading, was still shocked at how being over 200lbs suddenly lets everyone treat you like sh!t + doctors do nothing not even look at a chart until I was back down to a weight where I suddenly became "a treatable patient" again to them (the difference in how I get treated is noticeable bc my gains/losses are violently fast). When I'm not on prednisone I'm underweight + quite frail so it's wild so many people who are supposed to be about my wellbeing prefer a less healthy body that means I suffer more to get less done. I have some disordered eating from that kind of medical trauma, too. There's just so many bad outcomes that come not from the person in the body but from the failures of the people in family + social systems around them doing passive harm in unimaginably vast-reaching ways. Stay safe, all you precious body-types!

[@jackzerr2548]

Fuck em, your confidence makes me envious. 10/10 would attempt to hit on you in person.

[@CharlieApples]

They want a “naturally” hot woman who doesn’t think she’s hot. Because hot women who know they’re hot have the confidence to leave when they’re mistreated.

[@lucian1985]

Precisely

[@00RoxPink]

A hot woman who doesn't try to be hot, a feminine way of carrying herself but not feminine interests, super charismatic but doesn't care how other people judge her, loves sex but doesn't have it with other men

[@oshunthagreat]

Hence why aging women are condemned. As you know your worth you can't be manipulated. People like beauty they can exploit or else why are you trying to be pretty?

[@khodges72]

​@@00RoxPink If "fitter happier" was written by a woman

[@noahraab2429]

​@@00RoxPink not cheating is a fair wish.

[@carles2623]

Vanity is only a problem when you think less of others and tear them down. Hype up your fellow baddies 🙌

[@carolinpurayidom4570]

or yourself but then its not vanity its caring about your appearance

[@TricksterModeEngaged]

let's all be hot and too powerful to be stopped ❤

[@TreeHairedGingerAle]

☝🏾✨ We are all amazing in our own ways and we deserve to hype others in solidarity and to be hyped up by the people who are for us/compatible with us.

[@carles2623]

@@mississipi1103 that’s not what I meant, I meant being confident in yourself and uplifting others. I never said anything about having to be pretty or superficial

[@jenv3606]

One of the best feelings for me is when I see another girl who wore something daring but seems to look a bit self conscious about it and telling her how gorgeous she looks and watching her eyes light up, her step lighten, w.e. is just the best shit ever. ❤

[@Romanticoutlaw]

the term "skinfluencer" just gave me a deep and looming horror

[@TaraMooknee]

sounds like she's selling skin

[@KenKeenan1973]

I came here to say the same, absolutely cursed word

[@moratolca]

sounds like a creepypasta

[@TreeHairedGingerAle]

There is an awful, deeply existential horror story that needs be written around that word.

[@ManiaMac1613]

"Hey guys, welcome back to another skinning video! Today we'll be skinning this guy from my biology class-"

[@Jenninka]

The toe thing reminds me of the guys acting like they were taking Megan Fox and anyone who was attracted to her down a peg by acting like she isn’t hot because she has “weird thumbs”

[@magical-soap5359]

Lord, people were going off about that? That's some bullsh*t 🤨

[@gypsylee333]

I have long toes and was made fun of, my friends were like "Missy can throw a softball with her toes!" Which was admittedly hilarious. Like that was a good roast for middle schoolers! 😂

[@no.6377]

I almost forgot That! Dear God 00's were a strangely toxic time to be alive. People were going in on Megan for many things, but shaming her appendages was hands down the pettiest thing I'd seen.

[@koboldcatgirl]

Do they realize they just have a hand fetish or

[@oi3wan4]

I actually have the same “toe-thumbs” as her, and every time I say they’re weird or make fun of them for jokes, people ALWAYS bring up that Megan Fox has them. From that perspective it’s easy to see how meaningless it is

[@daphneb7115]

Hi Tara! I'm Daphné, the writer and poet behind Made-Up, the book you're quoting. I absolutely love video essays, thank you for this. Watching! Love from Montreal.

[@Hippidippimahm]

You are so talented I wish I could read French to understand your work even more ❤

[@wenjingfang9670]

Ooooh fellow Montrealer!

[@TaraMooknee]

Hi Daphné! This is so cool! Thanks for watching. Love from London.

[@sophitiaofhyrule]

That one dude just laughing in Peterson's face is so satisfying

[@camelopardalis84]

Haven't started the video yet, see your comment and think: "It's the lipstick one, isn't it?"

[@DLF-xq9lq]

Peterson sounds so angry in that video but then again, he's always angry.

[@Hhhhhiiikkkk]

​@@camelopardalis84 before I watched some " good" clips of Peterson and although I didn't agree with them, they sounded good/reasonable? But then I found the lipstick clip and damn now I know why I found him a little off 😅

[@bkk1996]

​@@DLF-xq9lq angry and sad-angry. A lot.

[@jesss101]

@@DLF-xq9lq So true. He is always so serious and defensive! And pedantic too.

[@lisapeesalemonsqueezah3241]

The “natural beauty” paradox was such a problem for me as a teen and it some ways it still is. I had CYSTIC acne as a teen and all the way until 3 years ago. My brother who is 12 years older than me and was the closest thing to a father figure that I had, would mock me while I put on makeup or wore acne masks or whatever. One time I was doing my foundation and concealer and I remember him holding my then 1 year old niece and saying “that’s called fake skin Briseis! Can you say fake skin!” My female cousins who were closest to my age were adopted and did not inherit the acne genes that I did and I would be compared to them over and over again because I put in so much effort to control/hide my acne, but they would just roll out of be looking perfect. Their brother compared me to a clown once. But my family, being extremely religious and old-fashioned put SO MUCH VALUE on a woman’s appearance. Before I hit puberty it was all “so beautiful! So beautiful! Our special little beauty!” And when I had good skin days and went with little to no makeup it was again “so beautiful! So beautiful! Our tall blonde graceful beauty!” It was like my beauty made the family proud. Like having a beautiful daughter/niece/granddaughter made the family better some how. I would get so much more love and attention when my skin was better. How is it fair to criticize a child for wanting to meet your expectations when she can’t meet your expectations “naturally”?

[@annaquint9412]

Oh I really relate to this. Why is it that it seems that family has a free pass to judge our appearance and "attractiveness level" and it somehow even being "for our own good" ?

[@RhianKristen]

Oh man… this brings back some painful memories for me. My dad was the old fashioned type too and he would brag to his lodge friends about how beautiful his daughter is and then he’d parade me around like some kind of zoo animal. I had to smile and accept all their leering and “oh she’ll be a heartbreaker” comments before they’d all introduce their sons to me. I was 14. One day I didn’t want to do it and my dad got so mad, told me not to embarrass him in front of his friends. I’m so sorry you’re family told you that your only worth is your beauty. I hope you’re doing much better now.

[@nineteenfortyeight]

Deep down they believe bad skin doesn't happen to good people. They're reactionaries. The victim blame for acne is only beat out by the victim blame for cancer.

[@00RoxPink]

I'm sorry, this is such a perfect example of why this is toxic. It's really bizarre how in society being beautiful is not only valuable to men who want to have sex with you but even valuable to family members, like youre inherently better when you look hot.

[@madinp1177]

Oh man I wish I could give you a hug. I had a similar story although never had a bullying older brother luckily. My biological sister magically didn't get the acne gene (AND got the good combo of genes from my parents while I got the worst ones) and while I know that my looks don't define my worth they DO define how other people treat you. It all just seems so unfair, you know?

[@thomasjones4893]

I'm a (white + straight) guy watching this. I am aware that I am not the target audience here but I went in expecting to at least relate a little and I am kinda shocked by how little I do relate. These expectations just aren't there for me at all. It sound really horrible to be judged by men for wearing makeup and not wearing makeup at the same goddamn time. I'll do all I can in the future to avoid doing any of the things in this video.

[@annaquint9412]

Thanks

[@jesss101]

The best thing to do is just not care about if someone is wearing makeup or not. If they are, great! It must make them happy. If they're not, great! That must make them happy. Extrapolating negative moral / personal judgments for what, if anything, is on someone's face is silly.

[@BlondeEyes7]

To add on to what Jess said, it would really help if more men learned what makeup looks like. When you see a woman who looks pretty, stop to notice what you're admiring. Is her skin tone really even across her face or transition in gradients with no blemishes? She's probably wearing full-coverage foundation. Are her eyes big, bright, and captivating? That's probably eyeliner and mascara. Those things aren't bad, but take a moment to identify that this is what is creating the "flawlessly radiant" effect you are perceiving. Similarly, take a moment when you think a woman looks tired, sick, or lazy at first glance. Is it because she doesn't have blush or highlighter giving her a "healthy glow"? Is it because she hasn't put concealer on the dark circles beneath her eyes? Is it because you can see her acne scars? If this same face was on a male body, would you still have the same impression that you have now? We deserve to be able to live without makeup and be seen as normal just like men are. So if you can work on identifying naked faces as normal and makeup-wearing faces as "fancy," that would honestly help both parties. Women who wear a full face of makeup deserve to have their efforts noticed and respected in the same way that you might notice a nice dress or an intricate hairstyle. I don't mean you should necessarily compliment your coworkers on their makeup, just recognize in your own mind that it is one of the ways that they choose to look sharp for their job. I feel like I'm rambling. Gonna stop now. Thanks for caring about this issue and wanting to be part of the solution!

[@thomasjones4893]

@@BlondeEyes7 yeah that actually does make a lot of sense. Being observant would really hopefully even the playing field almost. You can look pretty if you want, and that's awesome but just because you've chosen not to doesn't actually change that, it's just in a different way. I'm sorry if I sound ignorant btw, I am.

[@vilaioking]

I appreciate u random dude

[@ashpark9334]

i think the idea of men complaining and invalidating when femmes talk about their insecurities is so silly because whenever u bring up their height or their possible baldness. suddenly insecurities to them become very real and a line of thinking that must immediately be corrected so they can feel comfortable in themselves

[@annaquint9412]

Yes! Men will complain about women caring about height while simultaneously writing "no fat girls" in their bio

[@Cardboard449]

@@dixienormous8559 pick me?

[@sarahd3107]

​@@dixienormous8559 easy for you to lose weight. It's not easy for everyone. I'm underweight. I struggle to gain it and yet many people find it "so easy". Don't judge people if you've never lived a day in their shoes.

[@dixienormous8559]

@@sarahd3107 I spent years being underweight, probably because I was very physically active back then. To gain weight you either have do less or eat more, but eating more can be difficult because a normal sized stomach can only hold so much food. For overweight people there is no such hard limit. A large stomach can cope with lots of food, a small amount or even no food at all. in other words there is no physical reason why a fat person cannot reduce their weight, it is simply a matter of reducing the amount of food, and/or doing more exercise. Will power is of course needed to change old habits but it can be done quite easily and no special drugs, equipment or large amounts of money is needed. Contrast this then with female demand for tall men. A short man cannot make himself tall no matter how much willpower or money he has. Therefore the fat woman has it easy compared to the short man when it comes to finding a suitable mate, as female preference for a 6ft plus male is completely unattainable for a man who is only 5ft3".

[@nonamejenkins3293]

​@@Cardboard449 I think he's an incel troll

[@Ron2theHills]

Even as a guy this kind of beauty standards hurt. I remember the first time my cousin made fun of my unibrow. Then when I plucked it she called me gay (I am, but that's not the point lol). These beauty standards are LOSE/LOSE for everyone no matter what you do

[@Geospasmic]

Yeah, it's something we don't talk about as much but with the manosphere stuff being so in your face about how to be alpha there's a lot of guys feeling a ton of pressure and being confused as hell.

[@kamilareeder1493]

Ha mood. I didn't see myself in this job as a child, but now I only in modelling. Its weird to basically HAVE to put that sort of effort into your look to be employable, BUT you have to tell everyone its effortless and pretend you naturally look that way 😪😪👎👎

[@Acinnn]

exactly, the lose/lose situation. Once you recognise it's the tool to put you/ keep you always bellow them. Well can start to feel bit better.

[@00RoxPink]

The world is terrible and i think we lie to young people and kids when we tell them that nobody is going to judge them when really we should teach people that they will be judged no matter what and it shouldn't be taken to heart because it's often entirely meaningless

[@calciferthefire339]

Respectfully, your cousin is an asshole. Don't listen to her

[@Todd-_-Umptious]

I lost a lot of college friends by accidentally having this video essay as a casual conversation 15 years ago. Which worked the charm and left me with a few college friends worth a damn

[@jesss101]

actually, i did the same thing. had some uncomfy / intricate convos with "friends" early on. weeded out people who were judgmental and not willing to engage with me as a human instead of just a social prop.

[@Acidfunkish]

I've been friends with a big group of quite progressive, mostly tech bros, for near 20 years, now. But they still call me vain for taking care of my skin (skincare and - most importantly - sunscreen) and liking makeup. They definitely understand that I'm not wearing makeup to attract men. But it's still just vanity, to them. They just can't empathize all of the way to that point, for some reason. It's just fun. I like doing my nails with holo polishes, so I can look at them, all day. I like wearing bright colours, because it makes me feel happier. And I like big, bright, colourful eye makeup, for the same reason. I feel more "me."

[@Well_Ill_Be_GodDangled]

They don't sound nearly as progressive as they think.

[@dl2725]

I think this is a form of labour men have shifted to women… they also like looking at holographic nails too, if they’re honest. I wish more men would go full dandy, I enjoy it so much, especially when they’re straight men.

[@noidea4254]

Since when is taking care of your skin and protecting yourself from skin cancer vain ? SMH.🤦🏻‍♀️ I mean you never really hear these things for other self-care activities that aren’t fem-coded. Like is showering vain too? Is brushing your teeth a prime example of an overblown ego? Imagine people being like: You’re brushing your hair? Wow, you must be so shallow… You must think you’re better than anyone else if you’re trying to eat healthy. Why are you going to the gym when you should work on your inner beauty? Ugh, stop flexing that perfume/cologne, nobody cares about your disposable income, besides, smelling good is for dumb people. Did you m4sturbat3 again? I’m surprised you don’t have carpal tunnel syndrome with how much you jerk off your ego. 🤡

[@thxvilla]

As a guy, and at the risk of sounding like a whiteknight, I just wanna cave other dudes' skulls in sometimes. "You look better without makeup, embrace your natural beauty!". Why don't you embrace shutting the fuck up for a minute and let them do whatever they feel like doing? But then again, I can't even wear rings without feeling uncomfortable around other guys sometimes just because of my gender-conservative upbringing. I don't get how we, as a species, went from having to worry about survival to having to worry about whether someone puts on nail polish or not.

[@kayenjee]

When I read holo nail polish, my mind automatically went to Holo Taco 😅

[@TamiaTheNerd]

Yes, I am so tired of trying to be “relatable” by calling myself ugly. I’m tired of feeling guilty when I’m confident just because others might not feel confident at the time. I’m tired of feeling envious and insecure about the things I can’t even change. Fxck it, I’m hot! I’m beautiful, and I’m sad I ever made myself feel any less.

[@Strwbrrypancakes_]

THIS!!!! I used to have a friend who would constantly put me and others down, so I had to constantly feel guilty and put myself down when I felt proud and confident in my looks, work, ideas, etc. It’s so exhausting and no one should deal with that. We’re hot and beautiful and we should all be allowed to see ourselves that way and feel confident 😤

[@TenderNoodle]

When I was in middle school demeaning yourself and saying you were ugly trash was PEAK comedy and anyone who didn’t constantly insult themselves was considered vain. It severely messed up my self confidence and I’m still recovering now. Just because it’s a joke and you don’t really believe it doesn’t mean you won’t start to after hearing it from yourself and others enough. Being humble doesn’t have to mean hating yourself.

[@abrakedavra9605]

Oh my God, yes! I was made to feel supremely arrogant by close friends because I knew I wasn't unattractive and unintelligent, and it wasn't even because I bragged about it, they could just tell by the way I wasn't putting myself down as I apparently was supposed to. It's so messed up. I know it was a result of their insecurities and a toxic culture but it feels incredibly hurtful to be told you shouldn't be proud of yourself by people who supposedly love you

[@cristianproust]

The problem is them, they will make feel bad people who they see as a competitor. That is the eternal charade, pretend everyone is beautiful but we all know who wins the race

[@cassettetape7643]

YAY! Welcome into the fold💕

[@onipot9639]

When I was a teen I was sooo jealous of one of my friends, she was so pretty in such a unique way. I never did anything outwardly cruel or anything mean, but I definitely had a bitterness. Years after school, we got back in touch, turns out she had been really struggling with Body Dysmphoria, and I in turn had been going through clinical depression. We had a heart to heart about everything, and I actually admitted to her that I felt like in the past I had been a bad friend due to my own insecurities. She admitted that she had actually been jealous also, not for my looks, but that she felt I was always very sure of my self beliefs and who I was. She said she often felt bitter in the same way, because she felt insecure about her own personality and being authentic to who she really is. A while after this heart to heart, I stayed over at hers and when we woke up we both just stared at eachother in the morning light, and as I said "oh my god your skin is soo perfect!" she breathed out "Your eyebrows are incredible!" It was actually such a cute moment, realising how much we had progressed as friends, but also as girls/women, having both gone through our mental health crisis and coming out of it with a lot more self awareness and empathy.

[@meryllejoyercilla5387]

that's beautiful

[@onipot9639]

Thank you for reading ☺️ have a lovely day!

[@sofiaquijada5258]

Healthy femme friendships are truly so beautiful ❤

[@cdko]

Thank you for writing this, it's really endearing :) ❤

[@ManiaMac1613]

I'm glad this had a happy ending

[@Mari_Oh]

"Is the internet just allergic to empathy?" YES. Yes, Tara Mook-knee. Yes it is.

[@amiboacid7183]

Tara, you have outdone yourself with this video. Bringing up "Choice Feminism" is something I truly wasn't expecting, considering how "controversial" it is even in feminist communities. Really props to you for deepening your discourse

[@HalfBananaWoman]

+

[@vainpiers]

As an artist, taking hours to study and fully understand a subject brings out beauty that most people overlook. Someone with a bent nose creates interesting lines and shadows that you dont see often. Hip dips are pleasing to me because they reveal where the leg ends and the torso begins.

[@user-wb6po6xu5e]

Exactly! Figure drawing especially made me appreciate the beauty of all kinds of bodies

[@hananiatacorelis2152]

I just wanted to comment Something weirdly similar 😄

[@megofthemoon]

My very good friend is a photo journalist and a conversation I had with him literally changed how I view beauty, he said something very similar to what you’re expressing! He said he loves to photograph an interesting face, if it’s all straight lines and perfection all the time it gets boring!

[@randomtinypotatocried]

I think it's why I love drawing people's faces

[@swampstar]

Ive only read the title but it's so true. Before I got into makeup I thought I thought I was a bad person forliking to watch myself fiddle with my hair in the mirror. But it's the same enjoyment I get from completing a painting. I admire my work, I critique it and I feel like a bad bitch. It is not a bad thing to admire yourself.

[@picahudsoniaunflocked5426]

The funnest thing during my isolation (it's not safe enough for me with my disability + others' disregard for disabilities to go out a lot yet) was shrugging & realizing me + my fancy shizz would age no matter what so I spend a lot of days being very sick & doing Life Maintenance in full glam.

[@fool4343]

i wanna get into makeup, do you have any tips? makeup is such fascinating form of art and god i love women

[@EroticInferno]

Exactly. It’s just artwork in your face. I just happen to also just really really like the blank canvas too. I’m not ashamed of that.

[@EroticInferno]

@@fool4343 best beginner tip I can give you is to find makeup artists with similar facial features as yourself. Makeup isn’t “just learn the technique then slap it on your own face,” it’s learning which makeup styles suit you and how to use makeup to improve your already awesome features. Like I have a slightly crooked nose, so my nose contour isn’t just two straight lines, I have to draw more contour on one side to balance out my nose. Makeup is art for *your* face, not someone else’s. 😁🥰😍

[@fool4343]

@@EroticInferno thats a very good thing to know! thank you

[@karoliinalehtinen6701]

I don't think plastic surgery as part of larger concept of body modification is inherently bad. I think the issue comes from how capitalism has turned it into a predatory industry.

[@sugarrcircus]

yeah, it’s definitely more a culture thing that’s the issue.

[@ColaKitty9595]

I want plastic surgery but mine is called a body mod because I want my ears pointed and *I'm* the fucking weirdo?!?!

[@TenderNoodle]

Exactly. It becomes an issue when it down to “fix” a normal feature because you’ve been made to feel ugly for them, and see plastic surgery as the only solution. THAT is extremely problematic and should not be normalized.

[@please_im_a_staaar]

It wasn't "turned" into a predatory industry, it started out like one thanks to capitalism. It would be used for good from time to time, but then insecurities would be created and sold to people by the industry in attempt to sell them surgeries.

[@cristianproust]

It is more how people feel inadequate more and more and they do anything to outcompete the others. Is not capitalism, is them, and what they want from others. Beauty is power, that is what people are after. Very hard to feel compassion for them

[@TheHawksEyeYT]

I have become more "vain" in recent years because I've struggled with my weight and skin and now that I am the buff woman I always wanted to be I am taking pride in it. I don't want it seem like I think being overweight or anything is ugly or anything but I really was unhappy with it and I gotta say looking in the mirror and seeing my muscular arms now makes me very happy. I don't care if my family and friends sometimes joke on me for that, i feel attractive now and that's empowering to me :)

[@Tiny_Koi]

As you should be! People should be allowed to be proud of themselves. :)

[@ensommeille5315]

Omg yeah, since I started lifting I can't help but flex in front of the mirror if I'm wearing something that shows my arms and getting excited over my progress lmao. It's a good feeling to celebrate oneself, wish we'd stop demonising it

[@el972]

Girl have been in a somewhat similar journey, I do so much skincare and exercise everyday, I feel better about myself for sure but I don’t know how much it is found on knowing that people will accept me better just because I have a “ better” skin and body, but oh well I like myself more now so I’ll ignore my doubts and just feel myself for a bit

[@ManiaMac1613]

Hell yeah, you love to see it

[@spOOkytimes]

I feel like we mature and learn to take better care of ourselves, mentally and physically. We only get one body after all. Regardless of weight, we all need to exercise and eat healthy foods. This transcends vanity and has been scientifically shown to make us feel better inside and out (as long as its not disordered, obvs). Good on you, and to heck with your naysayers.

[@eyrunoilivent5270]

In France we call a gap tooth "dents du bonheur" (happiness teeth) and it's actually considered cute !!

[@keythah]

In some Arab/North African cultures, it's a sign of good luck. My mom's Egyptian friend was so upset when mine closed after I had braces.

[@imjustasconfusedasyou]

gapped teeth are actually so cute omg. i love gapped teeth so much

[@asinglebraincell6584]

I have gapped teeth and am gay and my friends would call them 'madonna teeth' 😂 'Dents du bonheur' is adorable though I am so stealing it if I can learn to pronounce it 🙈

[@lisapeesalemonsqueezah3241]

Know what drives me nuts? A friend/family member says I look great today and I’m like “thanks! I needed that!” It’s all “you need to be more confident! Insecurity is a bad look on you!” Then next time they say I look great and I AM feeling it, I’m like “thanks! I know 😉” and I get this dirty look! I surround myself with better people now, but it’s honestly ridiculous that this mentality even exists. Why does it matter so much to anyone what’s going on inside our heads as far as our relationships with ourselves goes, and why is it never enough?

[@finnilyenough]

Not a femme, but I was raised to be one, so I still carry a lot of this baggage around with me

[@oi3wan4]

Same!!

[@ColaKitty9595]

You don't have to be femme to become a vain baddie in control of your aesthetic!!! But the trauma is so real

[@vamp_bat_chomp]

Same!

[@bullfrogkaiju1431]

It's awful how much our formative years haunt us through time. When you learn where the bad feelings come from it doesn't stop you from still feeling them 😔

[@finnilyenough]

@Whimsical Reverie 💐 your relationship with gender or lack of it is internal, not external. You can be femme and only wear jeans and bare face. It's a whole culture. Posture, speech tone, clothing, hobbies. And it all comes together in a constellation that makes up your gender expression. You are what you are and you know deep inside what that is. ❤️

[@Emilio1985]

I'm so vain, I genuinely did think that song was about me.

[@mw7845]

It was

[@jerrythemagicalllama]

FRRRRR I'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT THIS SO MUCH LATELY!!!! We live in a society where we are told that our looks matter more than anything, and that we should be ashamed and disgusted and want to unalive ourselves if we don't look like the most attractive version of ourselves, but if any of us enjoy the way we look at any point in the process of beautification, suddenly we're shallow wh*res that need to get over ourselves? Make it make sense 💀

[@jesss101]

It's so silly because beautification can be a form of self love and self care. It's not all about vanity and others. You can feel like you are caring for your outer body and thus your whole self. And why is it vain to care for your body? Why is it vain to want to beautify? Beauty is lovely and fun, and it's lovely and fun to indulge in it.

[@jerrythemagicalllama]

@jesss101 Absolutely! And the way you put it may explain why I feel very confident when I'm alone at home and dressed up vs. when I'm dressed up out in public and feel dysphoric and uncomfortable.

[@cheyennec5546]

I agree! It’s stupid because beauty takes time and work yet when we were called beautiful, instead of responding with “I Know” or “Right? I really took my time to be this pretty” which is threatening to people for some stupid reason, we’re supposed to be like “✨🥺Who? Me? Wow Thank you I never realized🥺 ✨”

[@cristianproust]

Those are mostly the ladies that shame each other. And regarding the "best version of themselves", It is not necessary because most ladies are beautiful, but the only problem is that those same ladies are interested in attracting a particular type of individual who requires those standards. So, it is a matter of offer and demand, as simple as that. People would be able to find friends and partners without make up or effort, but they compete for better ones, that is why they invest energy in it (biology 101)

[@jerrythemagicalllama]

@@cristianproust I'm not listening to you if you have a Clockwork Orange pfp sorry not sorry

[@Airisu_01]

My grandmother has gotten so much plastic surgery and filler that we no longer look related. She's still gorgeous and it's her choice of course, but these standards are stealing our ability to look like our own family. When I feel insecure about something, I remember how sweet it is to look like my mother and grandmothers who I love. It grounds me in the beauty of our individuality and humanity. Edit: I just reworded a few things.

[@MrKangorilla]

Waiting with bated breath to see if this is the fated first appearance of the cow

[@MrKangorilla]

2 minutes in and I am very sad

[@rcx9681]

Dang it, maybe next time

[@marad786]

Dream on 💖

[@gotmilkbutt]

Mirror's edge is great!

[@MrKangorilla]

After watching the whole video, I am very enlightened and can wait for the cow in the next video

[@mariealexandre2859]

really great video, reminded me of that famous John Berger quote "You painted a naked woman because you enjoyed looking at her, put a mirror in her hand and you called the painting “Vanity,” thus morally condemning the woman whose nakedness you had depicted for you own pleasure.” looking forward to your future video essays

[@AnnInWonderland.]

If I can have a nitpick about the video and the terminology: there are two types of plastic surgery - reconstructive surgery and cosmetic surgery. There are times in the video where you talk about cosmetic surgery but call it plastic surgery. Reconstructive surgery can be empowering and even though it still can have something to do with society and our beauty standards (with true body neutrality, scars wouldn't be a problem), for example a person getting reconstructive surgery to treat their burn scars is obviously in a different situation than someone getting a nose that fits our beauty standards more.

[@TaraMooknee]

excellent point.

[@chocolateprincess2656]

No you shouldn't have that nitpick that's do painfully obvious of course someone getting surgery to fix a scar bruise or injury is not the same as someone getting a nose job to fit the beauty standard

[@geekygecko1849]

@@chocolateprincess2656 But is get a surgery to fix a scar not a cosmetic surgery (at least in some cases)?

[@chocolateprincess2656]

@@geekygecko1849 that's not the point im making, there is no need to differentiate between people who get nose jobs to fix an injury Etc because it doesn't represent the majority of people who get plastic surgery so it's already a given that's why it was silly to mention it

[@spOOkytimes]

I feel like this was implied due to the theme of the video, but it does make me overall think about the surgeries that fall into an area of grey that often shouldn't, like what you said about scars and things such as loose skin surgeries due to weight loss and/or pregnancy and labiaplasties after vaginal childbirth. They are often elective and done for more "cosmetic" reasons (unless they are causing physical health issues, like infections), but I feel like they should be considered reconstructive. One's body was not like that before weight gain or being pregnant and delivering, but its a more natural part of life of course. That's a commentary on evil insurance companies and broken healthcare systems, rather than this video.

[@pollyannacowgurl]

I'm just here to say that your gap between ur teeth is beautiful and actually considered a sign of beauty and luck in some West African as well as West Indian cultures (I have one exactly like it myself!) Diastema pride! ❤

[@Helen-oi7qm]

My mom has it. Absolutely beautiful!

[@toomuchinformation]

Yes, I'm of Caribbean origin and have "the gap". My Nigerian sister- in - law says that it's a big deal in Nigeria to the extent that people with perfectly straight teeth go to the dentist to put a gap IN their teeth!

[@spOOkytimes]

That's so cool! I love tooth gaps, underbites, snaggle teeth, and other smiles that are "unconventional" to western culture (like the US and Europe). I think they make the world more interesting and they are very distinctive to that person. As a person who needed braces for bite issues, I wouldn't wish them upon anyone who doesn't need them for health reasons.

[@FirstnameLastname-gr5kb]

It was also considered beautiful in some western models. But it shouldn't matter, I think the true beauty doesn't come from cultural contexts, but by just taking it in and looking at her appreciatingly. I just think if you look at her for a video's length, you come to the conclusion that her face is perfect for her

[@PokhrajRoy.]

Somewhere, Snow White’s Stepmother is excited that this video exists. She feels seen and heard and that too, not by a mirror.

[@skribble-]

im a black woman with crohns, as a result, i have to take steroids, which in turn helps manage my symptoms but also makes my hair short and has made me gain weight. i get so much shit from other women for wearing wigs because "they grow their hair out naturally" and so many smug looks because im a bit chubby now. not to mention when i dont wear wigs, how many times people think im a boy simply because i have short hair. needless to say it all makes me feel like absolute shit. ive tried the whole body positivity thing but i really like the body neutrality movement. i just want people to be nicer to others

[@ezra5500]

I fucking lost it at "our toxic beauty standards". I love your channel.

[@MainelyMandy]

I really like the point later in the video talking about the desire to put down ourselves when taking a selfie to seem less vain. I recently had a random man very upset because my caption on a picture was "I should be a painting." He was telling my friends it was important than reign in my "egomanical" tendencies. Absolutely wild.

[@demoniccherry5246]

As a trans person I’ve first hand seen how the beauty industry targets trans people. “You aren’t feminine until you have your brow bone shaved!” “You need this jaw surgery to be passing!” And it’s a bit more complicated than typical cosmetic procedures. For many trans people especially trans women appealing to current beauty standards is a matter of survival, if even one part of you is deemed “unfeminine” you lose your ability to safely exist in public. It’s absolutely evil that these standards are promoted and that dysphoria is weaponized against us just to feed the greedy. It really shows that surgery isn’t always a choice, that fact is that pushing these unhealthy standards is forcing people to get these surgeries let alone transition requirements for official documents.

[@jesss101]

Telling trans people that their validity relies in surgery is disgusting and exploitative. Surgery is a serious thing and people shouldn't feel pressured to get it. It should only be for their own well being.

[@demoniccherry5246]

@@jesss101 exactly, medical transition is absolutely a choice and not a choice all of us are able to make. Yet I see constantly the promotion of the idea that you this or that to be “valid” as if the word really means anything when we’re talking about who we are as people

[@TenderNoodle]

I’m cis but I’ve always noticed that people never seem to think of a trans woman as completely passing until they are attractive according to current female beauty standards. Why can’t trans people be ugly and still “pass”? It almost implies women who aren’t attractive, cis or trans, aren’t as feminine or as much of women. So sad.

[@il3077]

I love you for commenting this. Thank you. It’s so rough out here

[@purplewitchtarotanddivinat5680]

Because if you look like a man in the face and body yet expect people to perceive you as a woman then you’re going to face a lot of push back. It’s just common sense. Very few people are compassionate enough to bother seeing you as your identified gender when you still look like a dude. Some effort is required

[@mtn.thegathering]

Hearing JP talk about how women shouldn't wear makeup in the workplace reminded me when the manager at my first job told me that I should always wear makeup to work because it shows i put effort into my appearance. There's no pleasing everyone

[@imjustasconfusedasyou]

that shocked me to the CORE. how do you i see makeup as inherently sexual and an open sex inventation. how??? i have sisters that wear makeup. i wear makeup. we are all children. am i telling everyone around me to fuck me till i pass out and see fucking god???

[@Alexis_005]

Workplaces in Japan are even worse when it comes to that. They want women to wear makeup to work and only wear contacts if you can’t see properly 😮

[@j0hnicide]

the closest comparison i have for makeup (as a man who wears none) is working out. a lot of men do actually get into working out for vanity reasons, or to counteract body issues. a lot of men go through rough breakups and feel that a drastic body change is needed. but at the same time, many men say they do it for themselves. it can be both. sometimes societal standards become baked into us, and i empathized with how you said women/fems are not immune to the male gaze.

[@coconut_bean479]

"we're becoming accomplices to the beauty industry and the patriarchy" SAY IT LOUDERRR

[@dixienormous8559]

LMAO its always the patriarchy forcing you to do things that you want to do, all the while you complain that you really don't want to do it.

[@michaelio6548]

23:14 I can’t believe they said “you do not promote toxic beauty standards” and “it’s about working on preserving what you have” in the same sentence

[@punktualityy]

I can't imagine sitting a close friend down to tell them that they post too many pictures of themself, let alone thinking that you're doing them a favor by doing so??? If my friends post a selfie, you can count on me being there to hype them up every time, no matter what it looks like.

[@CaraRowen]

Seeing the girl with all the work done reminds me of the the other day I was at the store I saw two teens (no older that 19) with bloated post surgery face, like their entire faces. I don't care what they looked like before or after, I care that plastic surgery is so normalized and expected that these children because they're still children, felt the need to change their entire faces. It wasn't even really about these young woman. It was just the first time I'd ever seen someone so young with so much done.

[@emilyboj]

I spent the first half going "i hope this leads into a discussion of the nuances of choice feminism" and I WAS NOT DISAPPOINTED

[@lcsurratt9055]

Not a woman but as kid I was tormented for the gap tooth I had, would ask my mom if I could get it filled at the dentists and I did. Regret it so much old photos of me looked so sweet with it

[@shai2121]

💔 I'm so sorry, that sucks

[@chaoticsiv4167]

I have a gap in my teeth too as well as an overbite. People around me ( my stepmom especially) always pressure me to get braces and ask me when I am going to get my teeth fixed. When I told her I didn't want to change my teeth ( because I've come to accept it as a unique part of who I am) , she said that no one would ever want to marry me because of it.

[@missmia196]

​​@@chaoticsiv4167 Get ya teeth fixed bb, especially if fam will pay for it. I had buck teeth and an overbite also. Worth getting fixed, love my smile much more now!

[@plushdragonteddy]

@@missmia196 strongly disagree. i’m glad you’ve found success, don’t get me wrong, but personally i wouldn’t wish unnecessary orthodontia on anyone. it’s one thing if u need it for medical reasons, but if ur medically fine & ur already happy with how u look, ur just gonna b putting urself thru potentially years of tooth pain, mouth scars, etc for a reward u didn’t even want in the first place.

[@missmia196]

@@plushdragonteddy fair enough. "Necessary" means different things to different people Americans don't like the style of British teeth, for example, yet they're still perfectly healthy teeth. To each their own.

[@TrickiousRickious]

My partner has been getting comments from our friends recently that are along the lines of “you don’t need to dress up so much” and “it’s okay to look gross” or “don’t you ever let yourself be gross?” and it’s really affected how comfortable she is dressing up and going out For context she is a makeup artist, loves dressing up and our friends both work with her and have undoubtedly seen her without makeup and dressed down on set before, but I get the feeling that they are really talking down to her lately She knows she’s “allowed” to look “gross” but when we are attending birthday lunches or going out with friends it feels good to dress up and that should be okay too It was especially disappointing just recently when another friend told us both how much they liked our outfits and that we look like protagonists of our own show and the other friends felt the need to interject with the comments “I’m only wearing sweat pants…”, “I feel like we need to dress up more when we come over” and “well I’m just effortlessly hot” I think they all look amazing and love complimenting them (they literally all have absurdly fantastic hair, to name one thing), even still I wouldn’t bring them down if they weren’t all conventionally attractive, But I don’t know why they feel the need to either self depreciate or get defensive when they aren’t even the ones being spoken to I think it’s totally fine to feel insecure, we all do at times, I just don’t like that it seems like they are trying to bring my partner down because of their own problems, seemingly in an effort to make themselves feel less threatened or inadequate over something that have no need to compare themselves to And it annoys me even more that while I dress up almost to the same degree (I even swapped outfits part way through the night a few months ago) I seem to be spared the same dissection, because I’m masc? I love my friends but it’s hard to figure out how to talk about these things without risking making them feel worse (not to mention it isn’t necessarily for me to address) as I’m certain it isn’t intentional it is still very affecting

[@nathanaelcormier8470]

i recall reading marcus auraelius who wrote, "vanity is the greatest seducer of reason" and i embraced this constantly avoiding things because i thought it would make me look vain or in other words i wanted to ensure that society saw me in the way i wanted and did unreasonable things to make that so, without realizing it my reason had been seduced by the very act of trying to reason my way out of vanity, which was ultimately vain

[@adapienkowska2605]

Marcus Auraelius is either completely banal or full of shit.

[@noidea4254]

@@erinwhite8456 Maybe it wasn’t clear, but what you’re describing is exactly what OP meant.

[@noidea4254]

@@erinwhite8456 I’m not trying to be rude, but I wasn’t sure if you misunderstood something. Basically you reformulated part of OP’s point, and then said « I wonder what would’ve happened if you did this instead » even though OP figured out already, so it (unintentionally?) comes across as patronizing. It’s also typically not productive to say things like « you should have done this instead » when someone talks about something that they did in the past. Idk, I get annoyed when people do that to me.

[@noidea4254]

@@erinwhite8456 Ah ok, gotcha 👍🏻

[@tcrijwanachoudhury]

@@erinwhite8456 it's a good point, your comment actually does add something I dont know if the OP knows but the issue then isnt fighting vanity, in a way theyve kind of pointed out just how problematic vanity can be and why Aurelius was right

[@quertie420]

holy shit this is great. as a transmasc, i've felt lesser for so many years bc i felt sooo uncomfortable in my body. but then i started testosterone and now i look at myself in the mirror and think "hey handsome ;)." loving myself & my trans body is such a radical act of self love, especially when conservatives/terfs are saying i'm disgusting, multilating my body, etc. i think i was forced to come to this conclusion because otherwise, i'd be conforming to standards that were built to exclude me (and i tried. for a while. never a good outcome). thank you for making this, sending my love

[@annawesometheflameingpikac3688]

People making fun of the woman who had a toe shortening procedure clearly never got told they had hands for feet as a child for the crime of wearing sandals

[@annadarko6056]

Yea, my first thought was "she was probably more or less bullied into getting surgery." Just like a lot of people with unconventional noses.

[@stretchkitty21]

I've embraced my finger toes ... I can open doors with my feet... It's useful.

[@ouijacorn]

I remember adults and peers making fun of my feet when I was a teenager and even though I'm over thirty now I still hate open toed shoes.

[@singularity___]

Hey I needed this. I feel like I've spent so much time in this life having other people tell me how vain they think I am. Before I moved out, my parents would constantly tell me how vain I was. I've just always really liked makeup and can hyperfocus on a look for 1 to 2 hours if I want, and you'd literally think I was the devil for it based on what has been said in the past about it. Just let people live, man

[@chickenskink1]

My own mother body-shamed me all my life and dismissed it when I rightfully got upset. Even told me she wouldn't want me to gain weight because "she wouldn't want to have an overweight daughter". I almost think it's worse that she didn't understand when I told her just how hurtful and wrong that is. I've vowed to never do this to another woman, or any person, especially not to a young person, and especially not my own damn child.

[@FlorecitaRockera11]

I’ve started doing pole dancing as a way for connecting with my body and sensuality. The first comment I received from a friend was insinuating I was doing it for someone else

[@chrisc3571]

Pole dancing sounds fun. Except I am no longer hot. I have no desire to be the oldest, fattest, least attractive woman in the room, lauded for my "bravery." Do beautiful people intend for that to be insulting? I mean, they have to realize that it is insulting to say the equivalent of "you are so brave to exist in public, looking like that." Don't they?

[@bethanythatsme]

My grandmother would wake hours before my grandfather so that he would never have to witness the process to achieve "natural beauty." She'd then stay up hours after he went to bed to do her evening routine. I'm a happily unmarried, childless by choice, middle aged pan gal. She'd be horrified 😂 Edit: I do enjoy my own routines and agree that vanity has been demonized to a strange degree whist looks are valued.

[@toomuchinformation]

There's a great scene in the first episode of "The Marvellous Mrs Maisel" who goes through exactly the same thing as your grandmother. Damn that looked like a lot of work.

[@mw7845]

That has to take a toll on you

[@floraidh4097]

My mother's friend would wash her face before bed, reapply light makeup, and then get up before her husband to wash and reapply her makeup again so her husband would never see her naked face. I heard her say that as a 10 year old girl and it made ( and still makes me) sad for her that she thought or maybe her husband said something to make her think that her husband would not be accepting of her naked face.

[@imjustasconfusedasyou]

beauty and beauty standards are such a complex issue, not even how do we fix it, but to how we veiw beauty or literally anything. i have no idea how to navigate this issue in the slightest

[@CaseyAvalon]

We are always getting mixed messages, like "be confident", then we are told we are narcissists. The key is to love yourself. Growing up I was always told I'm "too tall", and it's like, what do you care? You embrace what you have, and build up each other. And it's better to have no company than bad company 100%.

[@Strwbrrypancakes_]

Haven’t finished the video yet, but the topic already resonates hard with me. I grew up being made to feel insecure about my looks and my body because I’m not “conventionally attractive “, so for the longest time I avoided looking at myself in the mirror and in pictures. Now I’ve worked on embracing and loving myself and I enjoy looking at myself, taking pictures and hyping myself up. Hearing someone say I’m not a bad person for liking the way I look and putting in effort into my appearance made my day lol

[@Mnemonforempress]

As someone who used to hate my appearance for such a long time, I now have these brief moments of liking myself in the mirror and while it doesn't last, it's the best feeling ever.

[@scathach2815]

Wow, this video hit me hard. As woman in my late 30s, I've grappled with my appearance since middle school (being considered ugly and picked on and bullied a lot). I relate so much to that twitter thread. I really didn't feel pretty or beautiful until my mid to late 20s and used to post seflies all the time. I'm pretty sure some of my friends thought I was pretty vain (I even thought so too), but I think I was just super indulging in my new found beauty that I never got to experience in my teens and early adulthood. But now I'm seeing fine lines on my face and I'm starting all over again feeling ugly and unworthy. I really hate that society is doing to all of us and thanks to this video I'm gonna give body neutrality a go.

[@HighAsHeckPriestess]

I learned to stop judging others for getting work done and things, but it came with learning self acceptance first. A lot of things I used to judge other women for were things I didn't like about myself. I realized that I was seeing myself and others through the male gaze. Edit: something I learned studying witchcraft is that beauty spells don't have to be used on humans. I've started doing beauty rituals to become more attractive to my goals. So like attracting quality friends, attracting a better job, attracting people who like your social media content, blah blah.

[@citihamster59]

Ooh ooh, I'm studying witchcraft too! Any tips for making attractive goals?

[@HighAsHeckPriestess]

@@citihamster59 I use herbs related to Mars, Jupiter and Venus for attracting money making ideas or jobs (when working with Mars, I suggest combining it with other planetary herbs and oils to intensify the effects of, for example, Mercury if you want to communicate in a way that'll get you a promotion).

[@missmia196]

bump

[@pAWNproductionsDE]

I really resonate with this video and the woman in that twitter thread. I also grew up feeling unattractive, unimportant, and otherwise like a background character. Now that I actually like my appearance and have accomplished a lot in my life, I've decided I'm tired of feeling guilty for feeling hot and being proud of myself. I want everyone to feel the way I do about themselves, and if my happiness and confidence is seen as a threat to someone, then they're probably a threat to me

[@missmia196]

*not a threat to you?

[@annaquint9412]

I used to "brag" about not taking pictures of myself and not having a single picture of myself on the internet. Because "I'm not like the other girls, I'm not vain like that!" I say I used to like it's a long time ago... I still did that last month. Now just the thought makes me gag. Great video tho. Thanks for reconfirming a bunch of things for me.❤ And honestly basically every video you make are eye-opening for me.

[@gadggo]

I will NEVER forget when a hairstylist told me i had a “low hairline” in that back and that was a whole new thing to think about

[@Siiseliify]

My mom said once to me:"It's just embarrassing, if you don't have smile lines, when you are old."

[@Umurhan999]

As a masc, while body image issues are a nightmare here and very few people mention it (at least healthily), femme beauty seems to go much further in the aspects men battle with and proceed to add many new ones. Like, only when I wandered into a make-up shop has anyone commented about the pores on my nose and insulted my hands in being too wrinkly and my finger hairs being gross. Like...

[@Umurhan999]

Though as a man, I find there are many bizarre beauty standards, of razor sharp jawlines, v-tapers, racial beauty standards and most obviously, most men I know are to some degree insecure about their penis (length, girth, shape, how the balls look, I've even heard stuff about balls texture) and for whatever reason, this stuff is worse with gay men masc or fem (I'm gay, personal experiences). However, straight men seem to not care that much about the looks of their friends, but the community creates insecurities of strength (physically being too skinny, mentally lack of financial power or romantic and sexual failures). We really need to fight against all types of profit through insecurity and I found a lot pf connection between how the beauty industry exploits femme insecurity and how the manosphere exploits masc (though cishet masc) insecurities back from my internally homophonic high school days.

[@annaquint9412]

About men's insecurities about penis's. I feel that a large labias, that a lot of women have, is demonized. I was so ashamed about my vulva for a long time I considers just cutting of the excess skin. I didn't want to have sex with men or added a disclaimer before removing my underwear because of my vulva. Till I talked about it with other women and seeing the vulva casts by Gloria Dimmel I thought my vulva was absolutely abnormal and disgusting.

[@RhianKristen]

@@Umurhan999 I’m a woman, but at least as far as the penis stuff goes, I really hope this helps, so take it if it does and leave it if it doesn’t. 1) women are also all different sizes inside and this definitely means that bigger doesn’t equal better automatically. I am quite small and if you’re larger, you will not fit and it will hurt if you try, even with lube. 2) ALL genitalia just looks weird. Male. Female. There is no cute or pretty genitalia. It’s weird looking and that’s fine. Nature isn’t there thinking what penis shape is gonna be the prettiest to the humans? Hmmm… what about labia size? Nope, nature just made it and it’s perfect just the way it is.

[@andromidius]

I think there's a common misconception between vanity and arrogance. You can have a little bit of vanity and be a great person - but arrogance can ruin a personality in almost every case.

[@annaquint9412]

I think it's about not putting others down while feeling good about yourself.

[@PsycheandButterfly]

I agree. The problem isn’t so much vanity, but the traits that can become synonymous with it. It seems some vain people assume arrogance and entitlement, etc., as well. And at the root of this is their vanity informing the other qualities.

[@MiniNymph]

I appreciate the stunning looks in a video about vanity being not-that-deep. I doth covet the pink dress and the bead necklace. My body is disabled, I do not get a choice about that, and I have to make too many choices about how I will ballance the self-care acts I need. Putting on over the top, sweet, hyper-feminine outfits is a fun choice. It gives me a bit of agency. I am quite confident in the shape and appearance of my body and face, I think I am naturally cute. That does nothing to bury the huge amount of pain I am in every day. Sometimes, fluttering some ridiculous false lashes does dull that pain. I recieve a certain amount of judgement when I dress up. I also found an amazing community of friends who do the same - we get cute, we take pictures, we drink tea, mostly the pictures though. Is it a bit silly? Probably. I need a bit of silly in my life.

[@kimberleopold]

She really does the “yes, and” well. I seek to not assume everything has to be black or white and over simplified. ❤

[@Princess_Weekes]

As a member of gap tooth nation, I certainly remember that being used to tear me apart whenever it was convenient and I have only now learned to not just love it but actively push back against changing it.

[@freyavine6448]

I think the bigger pupils was an actual beauty trend. People would put drops of bella donna in their eyes to dilate their pupils, but it was super dangerous because that's poison and so they risked going blind

[@ru_archer]

Small nitpick, but I really don't like the current use of "art" as a magic word that conveys moral neutrality on anything it's applied to. Plenty of art is exploitative (actually exploitative not "ew I saw something that made me feel uncomfortable") and plenty of artists use this shortcut to protect themselves while exploiting people in other ways. I know this probably wasn't the way you intended it, but it gives me the ick whenever anyone does it.

[@TaraMooknee]

Ooh there's some food for thought, thank ya!

[@ladygrey4113]

I mean i hear “it’s art” every time I hear some cringe Lucifer Valentine stan defend vomit porn.

[@chestterfield]

I was raised in a way that I never had problem with my body image and it was normal in our household to praise each other about how we look, just to make each other's day and I always thought that it was normal for people to admit they look good, and they fancy themselves - boy how I was wrong. The amount of glares I got (and get till this day) when I respond when asked that I like myself and am proud of how I look and look fairly hot - any criminal, bombastic and another sideye don't even match it. What is even funnier - people are confused that me being a non-binary and asexual person can feel attractive is even crazier and shows how people categorize the idea of being 'hot' and 'attractive' bond strictly to sexual area.

[@melissaharper5043]

As a woman in my mid 40’s I feel this pain. I have never been conventionally “pretty”, but add in midlife and two kids, let’s just say I was feeling pretty worthless. One day, while staring at my wrinkles and rolls, I had an epiphany. Why does beauty have to define my worth? I am so much more than my appearance. I still feel insecure about my looks, but I don’t let it define me anymore. ❤❤

[@zenleeparadise]

Man, as someone who isnt conventionally attractive, I have such complicated feelings about all of this.

[@inai7282]

I agree, I don't generally wear makeup and I heard so often words like: Wear makeup, you would be preetier or why don't you wear makeup, are you that confident in yourself, a little bit of lipstick would do you good, etc. I agree that I look better with makeup on but people are so used to seeing others in makeup that they stopped preciving 'naked' faces atractive. Wich is a shame. I'm not saying that I'm not doing that. Plus, Tara, I would love to see you doing video of the connection that beauty has with goodnes. Ther is a historical tendency to percive beatiful people as good and pure and those 'ugly' as mean and scary.

[@sugarbomb187]

thank you for referring to french *and* french canadians, we're often lumped together in the same group. happy to see some quebec representation

[@TaraMooknee]

Canadian French is super interesting!

[@ayamefataru]

Tara Mooknee's videos are just the spoonful of sugar I need to digest these emotionally charged and heady topics. I watch a decent amount of bread tube and many just leave me feeling hopeless and defeated. I always leave Tara's videos with a big dumb grin on my face. Like dang did I just have fun watching a video essay on beauty and feminism?

[@AdriaK]

Saaaaaaaaaaaaaame!

[@pencilpauli9442]

I gave up worrying about what I looked like decades ago. 1. I was fighting a losing battle, and 2. I don't get to see what I look like so why should I give a shit. Result...old, single and contented.

[@bethanythatsme]

💯

[@ensommeille5315]

Number 2 is such a big one; even in mirrors and cameras I'll never get the full picture, so there's really no point obsessing over the details lol

[@lexa2310]

That's my end goal. Though Im going more for the "crazy catlady" approach with a tiny garden and 2-3 cats.

[@Zullala]

That selfie story made me cry! I used to be made fun of for making look-book collages on FB of my outfits. Like sorry that I want to share my creative outlet with my friends and family 🤷🏻‍♀️...

[@grace-4072]

Thanks for making this video! I really appreciate what you said around the 35 min mark, that it’s OK to unfollow people if they make you feel icky about yourself. This is a similar thing but not the same.. recently my partner and i had a discussion about pornography and, as my partner is a very visual person, they follow a lot of sexy gals on social media..which made me feel WAY insecure when I honestly didn’t need or want to upon reevaluating. My point is.. I really like this video. You don’t miss! Vanity and insecurity can coexist inside a person.. it can be confusing but it’s OK to be human and have the human experience of not knowing wtf you’re feeling or why especially surrounding something like societal standards that are not intrinsic to humans themselves. Anyway thoroughly enjoyed the video today and I look forward to your next one!!

[@evren5642]

This morning I was getting ready for brunch and ended up doing my makeup for the first time in a long time; I stopped wearing makeup for the most part several years ago. Before that, I used to wear it all the time, and had a lot of fun trying out different looks… But as a nonbinary person, it often still felt distinctly feminine in a way I wasn’t always comfortable with. I was a lot happier once I stopped wearing makeup; even if it changed the way people treated me (because yes, people treat you worse if you look like me and they deem you “not feminine enough”). Still, trying to style myself in a way that makes me feel attractive is difficult; because I was raised as a girl, and I’m not particularly masculine (more androgynous), I only ever absorbed one metric of attractiveness, and that was a distinctly feminine one. Trying to find an androgynous way to express myself that makes me feel attractive has been hard. I’ve often felt like I’ve had to sacrifice my authenticity and comfort in terms of gender presentation in order to feel attractive. This morning, after finishing my makeup, it looked good! It didn’t seem my skills had diminished much with the lack of use, or anything. But after walking around my room for a bit and continuing to get ready, I just started to feel like just because it looked good didn’t mean it felt right. So I wiped it all off. And it was such a relief; I still managed to feel stylish and put together in the outfit I’d chosen, and I got multiple compliments throughout the day. It was the most comfortable I’ve felt gender-wise in a long time. Basically; as restrictive (and cisnormative) as our beauty standards are, I’m glad to know there’s still little avenues to claw our way free of them.

[@TreeHairedGingerAle]

THANK YOU. Don't get me wrong. I put in a lot of work trying to keep the beauty industries' claws outta my hide...but at this point it's a freaking tsunami of this pure shit that is being shoveled into our heads and it's _everywhere_ . And, as you pointed out, you can know something perfectly well cerebrally, even while, from a visceral standpoint, you may still have some deeply conditioned, knee-jerk reactions to this stuff.

[@mildlycornfield]

LOADS OF PEOPLE ARE INSECURE ABOUT THEIR FEET!! And I get it! Feet are weird things and they aren't often aesthetically pleasing - pretty feet come from having the ability to take care of them. Having your toes shortened is an extreme approach, but it's hardly the worst thing you could do to yourself for cosmetic reasons. Being obsessed with 'anti aging' in your twenties however is HIDEOUS. You can't like yourself and 'teach your face muscles not to move so you don't get wrinkles'.

[@magical-soap5359]

Are feet really not aesthetic to people? I am a foot admirer so it's funny hearing feet is ugly.

[@nineteenfortyeight]

You can kill off your own emotions

[@missmia196]

Idk, I have very cute feet, even been asked for feet pics 😂 but you're right, it's about being able to dedicate time and money to the care process. Pumice stones, at-home treatments, and professional pedicures required.

[@crazyeights8815]

This hit so hard, especially after growing up an an awkward, acne prone teen and young adult. Since then a decade and a half later I’ve gotten into make up, fashion, and fitness. I remember how people treated me when I wasn’t “conventionally beautiful”. Especially the anecdote about the friend posting selfies.

[@Everyyoueverymiau]

Painting on my face and nails is a way to embrace my creativity. I like improving my techniques. I love pretty colors.

[@juliettedemaso7588]

Paloma Faith’s “Do you want the truth or something beautiful” comes to mind. Great video!

[@AndaraBledin]

Choice is like consent - coercion is too often employed in both instances. And too often in these situations, the powers responsible for the coercion often get by without receiving their due criticism being responsible for that coercion.

[@autieglow]

I feel slightly sheepish and yet defiant at the fact that as I was watching and processing and taking in this wonderful video on a deep, nuanced personal level, I was also making notes on your makeup look in the pink dress because it's so flippin' pretty.

[@costanzapolastri]

Great video

[@gur262]

About 3) I'm truly not the best at complementing anyone but still i think the times I've gotten compliments is somewhat rare, even with people i was very close to. Men are still, in my experience, mostly expected to take initiative and compliments are that. So. Receiving fewer comments on your appearance has downsides and upsides. + When a man is vain its often not taken positively, maybe? In an old video of Schwarzenegger a few women were asked what they thought and they tried to put him down. If you look for Chris bumstead dadbod, they find his bodybuilding contest shape, lean and shiny, to be disgusting. That may be what they truly think but it's rude as hell and it doesn't seem to be taken as negatively as a couple guys talking the same way about a woman.

[@debaros]

I just wanted to thank you for your points - especially the 3rd. I really like this video but as a man who has struggled with his appearance his whole life , this comment made it all the more special.

[@margoalex.]

I love every single one of these points you brought up but that last one in particular made me smile a lot :,)

[@jasperwisecarver]

I literally got made fun of for my feet once and then refused to go without socks/shoes around anyone for YEARS. so i get it

[@camkillam2437]

This video helped me out a bunch! I am a man and have suffered from a lot of comparing myself to others growing up. I always had to mask or ignore my attempts at looking better because I thought it just made me seem vain and feminine as if it was a bad thing. I enjoy your videos a lot and even though they show many of the flaws men have in how they view the world and women in particular, I find it very healing to see that I can learn to be compassionate and able to help support both the women and men in my life equally. Again thank you this content is always appreciated and ur editing is wonderful🐮🐮🐮

[@shamedgeeky]

The older I get the more I learn that beauty is found in being your most authentic and unique self. My light can never compete with anyone else’s light, because we all shine in our own unique ways

[@iferlyf8172]

Beauty and appearance should be about self expression mainly, I think the problem isn't beauty itself, it's viewing beauty as a main source of value in a person

[@bookNerd151]

The thread about a serial selfie-taker really hit home. I think it’s the visible part of a really complex iceberg of issues. Obviously, we should encourage and celebrate confidence and diverse beauty. As someone who was alienated by a selfie-loving friend (not just bc of the selfies) , I can attest that there’s more complicated dynamics beyond the ‘it’s self love! you’re just petty and jealous’ thing. The limitations of the body-positivity mindset, generational differences in how we socialize most meaningfully, social media creeping into all aspects of our lives, obsessively doing things ‘for the gram’, what it means to be truly present with our loved ones, fast fashion/beauty, capitalism…. I could go on. I love a hot picture of myself as much as other self-labeled ‘ugly ducklings’, but I’m seriously troubled by the impact on relationships, what we value about ourselves etc. I think this issue merits its own episode. Whatever happened to the idea that our appearance is the least interesting and valuable part of our self?

[@poppypoppy4826]

I love this video so much, thank you for touching on how being attractive as a woman is a form of social currency. To be an "ugly" woman is to lose your personhood, you genuinely become invisible in social interactions. I put a lot of effort into how I look because my prettiness is directly = to how I am treated by others.

[@pinkiepie7823]

I feel so seen. Im fairly conventionally attractive and have always been ok with that. I have insecurities like anyone else, but i try my best to focus on the things i like about myself. Ive been and am still called vain, vapid, posed the question of what im going to do when my looks go, told to get over myself, etc. I do my best to not be upset with those who make the comments, as they are a product of this society just as much as i am, but i love that youre bringing light to the true beasts of this topic. Also, the green beret outfit is absolutly SLAYING. ✨️ ✨️

[@MrEmbryonicjones]

i always thought the cow motif emphasized the pronunciation of your name nicely. it made my brain go 'oh shit like MOO and KNEE that's hilarious' respectfully

[@grace-4072]

it’s crazy that you post this right now when it’s a conflict i’ve been having with myself for awhile now. i’m excited to hear what you think

[@cherryleafy101]

The worst thing is having it hammered into you that unless you're beautiful nothing else about you is worthy of consideration, but also having it hammered into you that no matter what you do or how hard you try, you'll never be able to meet the standards required. That definitely does something to a person. 😓

[@kneau]

Almost reflexively, I name nearly every goose I see.

[@camelopardalis84]

This was an actual problem I had. For years, I lived with a dog called Cindy. Several times when I approached and addressed an animal, I called it "Cindy".

[@hannadiy6307]

I went on a first and only tinder date with a bloke once who thought it would somehow get him cookies by talking smack about women who get filler. I told him straight that I have filler in my face.. and he replied with "oh but you're so naturally pretty, you don't need it".. 😐 ffs 🤦