Why You Should Start Using a Positive Discipline Approach | Discipline and Autism

Dr. Mary Barbera discusses the importance of using a positive discipline approach for children with autism.
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Threats, yelling, and punishments are among the most used forms of discipline today; but is it effective? Today I’d like to explore how to discipline without threats and punishments, by providing discipline strategies for children with autism. This video is just as applicable to children without autism too though. Let’s be clear that disciplining kids with special needs is always a tricky situation, because there’s a chance that the child may or may not even understand what you as a parent is trying to teach. This is one of the main reasons why autism and bad behavior tend to be among the most asked questions I get as a behavior analyst. This is why I always suggest a positive parenting approach, and most of the time this does not include the overused time out threats.
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Dr. Mary Barbera "fell" into the world of autism in 1999 when her firstborn son, Lucas, was diagnosed with autism one day before his third birthday. In the last 2 decades, Mary went from almost nothing about autism to becoming a Board Certified Behavior Analyst, writing a bestseller, The Verbal Behavior Approach (now translated into more than 10 languages) and obtaining a PhD. with an in-depth knowledge of some of the best ABA autism strategies. In 2015, Mary began her first online course on autism that has already been purchased from parents and professionals in more than 45 countries and now sells 3 courses online. With more than 2 decades in the world of autism, both as a parent and as a professional, Mary is in a unique position to help you, especially if you live or work with a child with autism who also has delays or language disorders. Its mission is to change things for 2 million children with autism (or signs of autism) by 2020 through online training and advocacy.

[@StephanieLJones]

I enjoy this channel. Based upon the title of this blog, “How to Discipline… it would have been great to see/hear one example. “Here is an example of positive approach discipline…”

[@marybarbera]

Thanks

[@genakrocodil4839]

no example will follow as there are no popular methods

[@jaquelyncalmes6909]

Thank you for your advice. I’m a parent of two autistic children,and I can relate to this and to those who think spanking,yelling,and threatening is effective. I’ve been overwhelmed,feeling lost,helpless and alone,disciplining a child in this mode is counterproductive. All they get from this is fear, they don’t understand what you want,they just want you to stop yelling. You’re in a crisis,upset,tired,embarrassed if you’re in public,so you’re reacting out of frustration,punishing a child with spanking is never the answer! It scares me to think of what’s happening to children everyday on this planet who aren’t struggling with autism,and or other disabilities being looked after with parents and people who are supposed to be caring for them and they’re frustrated,not equipped to care for or about anyone. We all need the tools to handle ourselves first before we tackle disciplining children,regardless of they’re abilities. Please take the time to calm down and treat them with the love,respect,and honor they deserve,you deserve,and all of nature’s creations❤️

[@marybarbera]

Yes!! Thanks for sharing.

[@genakrocodil4839]

Yoyr children suffer and grow up abnormal precisely because you do not know how to use punishments effectively. Your yelling wont have effect, a glass of cold water will, a piece of chilli will.

[@abrinaabshire5087]

Why is it that every video I'm seeing including this one, just talks about what not to do as far as discipline, and not what I can do. Do an assessment??? okay but then what? Intervention? Okay but how?

[@angelachambers5977]

I just give myself timeouts now. Several a week. Don't know if it's productive but it feels much better for me.

[@cristen6059]

I'm looking for the same thing I'm struggling with this a lot!

[@joeysmith8690]

It was like the most helpful video title without actually offering any help at all😂

[@jessicacollins2948]

Yes is it okay to take things away like screens and technology and electronics! My sister is very high functioning and understands right and wrong for the most part! What do I do I’m losing my mind!

[@sabrinaliang2992]

Really inspired by your highlights on considerations for kids with exceptionalities. When we talk about developmentally appropriate practice, we need to be aware that this developmentally appropriate is not exactly age appropriate because some kids' developmental level is not tied to their chronological age.

[@onepercentruleeveryday]

practiced discipline with patience becomes so powerful that our efforts starts shining light upon the results which were earlier hard to even see!:)

[@marybarbera]

Yes.

[@ParkerReyna507]

Thank you for your channel; my son has a very strong temper but he is not aggressive is more like not handling well when changes are made or when something that he has been watching has come to an end and starts throwing whatever is around hopefully with your tips i could turn it around

[@marybarbera]

That is challenging. If you were given a million dollars, how could you prevent the behavior. Sometimes we have to start there.

[@bihpamela6887]

Thank you so much. I had no idea how to go about discipline. I noticed if I yelled at her, she gets so frightened and confused. I’ll definitely try your method. Thank you again

[@marybarbera]

Thank you for watching! Positive reinforcement is certainly important. My workshops and courses go over this more check them out here: bit.ly/2ELvSnM

[@karlacorona5137]

I've always believe reprehending leads to power struggles and only upsetting my child more. I try a positive approach when "disciplining" my child but you are right Doctor it CAN be difficult. I have made it my goal to educate myself more in hopes of learning many strategies and ways to help my child with ASD in a positive and encouraging way. Thank you for all your videos.

[@marybarbera]

Thank you for listening!

[@rjfundales-santos1532]

Nice and short , easier to digest than your other long videos .

[@marybarbera]

Glad you liked it

[@Eyerusalem_]

I find it effective when I lovingly guide the right behavior. Yelling and spanking makes the child feel lost and fearful. Absolutely not effective!

[@marybarbera]

We are on the same page! Have you checked out my free workshops to learn more about my strategies and techniques? www.marybarbera.com/workshops

[@Deequeen420]

I just watched this, could you please give an example of what a positive approach is? I don’t want to say reward my daughter when she do something bad, so what does a positive approach look like when she does something negative

[@marybarbera]

You want to prevent problem behavior and be positive and direct her to what she can do!

[@Deequeen420]

@@marybarbera Thankyou , could you give an example of what positive approach looks like????

[@liza3337]

​​@@Deequeen420 They don't really say, do they. I don't know about autistic children, but I've learned that instead of saying no all the time, I say things like, "we're not doing that right now", or "it's not time for that". Or if they throw stuff on the ground, I just say," we're not supposed to throw that" then I make them go pick it up and put it back. And if they don't, I will physically bring them to the object and repeat my command. And if they don't, I tell them the consequence and give them the command. And if they still don't, I carry though. And the consequence will be , yes, standing in the corner or no tv today or no favorite treat, etc. Whatever you do, dont let up on any bad behavior. Press them to make restitution somehow. That's my positive.

[@6574wetherole]

i really enjoyed this video. thanks

[@marybarbera]

Thank you for watching! Remember to sign up for one of my new free workshops here : marybarbera.com/workshops

[@gorgeouswales9635]

Very good Thanks!

[@jillianbarrett7179]

So now I understand how I am not supposed to discipline my son but no idea how I am supposed to discipline him? Could you add specific examples on disciplining?

[@marybarbera]

It depends on the child and function of behavior ! You may find help in my free workshops marybarbera.com/workshops

[@genakrocodil4839]

They will never tell you, as sll their theories is just fluff

[@rumakaur9822]

How to assess their strength and weakness Thanks

[@marybarbera]

I talk all about this in my online courses! Learn more by taking a free workshop www.marybarbera.com/workshops

[@starsouma992]

Thanks

[@marybarbera]

No problem

[@MIKETJR]

Thanks.

[@marybarbera]

No worries!

[@bettysabouri5173]

Thanks a lot is was very helpful

[@marybarbera]

Glad it helped

[@sassie790309]

if my student is sitting next to me and doing her lesson all well and good then suddenly looks at me and hits me or screams blood murder out of nonwhere how should I respond? I've done it all, say no hit, ignore, redirect, send to take a break ( is that the same as time out)? I have tried teaching in aba format but its easier tondo with academic or speech then with behavior. When she (5th grader I've had since kindergarten who has some functional language but low on processing and impluse control) suddenly screams or hits or kicks or elopes or throws things at adults its hard to knownhow to respond positively but not to positively reinforce behavior but to teach and reinforce replacement behavior. There are times that the antecedent is identifiable like being told no or come sit down or keep going with work or saying her name repeatedly to get her attention or even answering a question she has with an unpreferred answer (i want book....you want book it will be here on monday see the picture today is wednesday it is in the plane then post office then monday you will have it.) Hitting and screaming begins. sometime the trigger can be seen immediately after behavior but its a rare trigger so seems out of the blue. such as coming in from recess. bell rings i say okay time for choice. she says no and throws things and runs to 100 different spots on the playground. each time with me repeating time for choice will you do x or y and listing her preferred items. everything is no. she spits and lays down on gorund then runs away again.Earlier I said do you want more recess or time for choice. she said no. what do I do? This last time i finally held her hand and said time for choice and she walked with me for a bit. then stopped and hit my arm then fell to the ground and i reached my hand out and kicked off shoes. I said do you need a break? which js also something she loves and asks for sometimes but this time said no. Then she just stood up and walked close to me so i put my arm around her and she put her arm around me and we walked in. then when we got inside she took off her socks (they got dirty since she kicked off shoes) she loves going barefeet but its not allowed much at school. i said oh your socks are dirty okay go put them in laundry which she did and then slammed the dryer door and screamed at the top of her lungs. i don't remember whatni did in response. i think i closed the bathroom door. she likes being alone in the bathroom. i knocked and she said come in and she was naked and putting all clothes in dryer. when i checked later she was getting dressed. when i knocked later she said no. then when she came out she went to the break space and after a few mins of giggling i went over and said oh you seem like younare calm lets go check schedule. she said no and kicked and screamed. finally after bring schedule to her and taking about how if we dont do work her books will stay at school. she got up. as she was walking to desk i said grab your shoes she did and put them on and sat and did work.

[@s.v.2969]

My son has severe autism, is non verbal, and he is 2.5 yrs old. He used to use a toy xylophone mallet to hit the tv screen. So what I did was, rather than taking it from him, i said no, pulled him away from the tv, I held him in my arms and on my lap and did not let him go for one minute while he kept the mallet in his hand. After the minute, I’d let him go…if he went back to hitting, I’d hold him on my lap and in my arms, basically restraining him but also rocking with him and singing, for two minutes. If he cries I won’t let him go until he stops crying. And if that didn’t work three minutes. Three minutes was the limit, but he no longer hits the tv. I’ve also gotten him to stop other behavior like this. I know it works because he is so small…I kind of think I better do it while he is small and maybe it will help him listen to me and will think of he doesn’t stop when I say no, he will be restrained. 🤞🤷‍♀️ I can’t tell if this is positive or negative disciplining, I mean while I hold him I try for it to be like a hug, and rock him and sing or hum…but I restrain him until either a minute pases or he calms down. 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️ it has worked though

[@Victoria-uq8mf]

I would give him a space to hit something with the mallet.

[@janedav10]

Im so glad that i found your chanel , i think you are heaven sent .. thank you very much ...xx

[@marybarbera]

Thank you very much for watching. Have you checked out any of my free workshops? marybarbera.com/workshops

[@Carolina-ri7eb]

Very helpful video! I am writing a paper about the collateral consequences of zero tolerance policies and police mandates in schools passed after the parkland shooting and this helped me understand maybe how the schools could have done a better job of handling Nikolas Cruz when he started showing behavioral issues at the age of 3.

[@marybarbera]

Thanks for sharing Very important work!

[@genakrocodil4839]

old fashioned corporal punishment is irreplaceable.

[@rebeccagrandy2808]

Thank you! - From New Brunswick Canada - our son has been pushing kids at daycare due to possessive issues with toys - trying to brain-storm ways that I can help him

[@marybarbera]

Thanks for watching! You may need to work with the daycare to take preventative measure! my new book can help even if he is typically developing www.turnautismaround.com

[@rebeccagrandy2808]

@@marybarbera He has ASD - I've purchased your book - trying to find some time to read it - I find your vlogs so helpful!!

[@genakrocodil4839]

@@rebeccagrandy2808 Spank him so he gets scared seriously, he is a spoilt brat.

[@subutiamorris4699]

my 7 year old son adopted has been recently diagnosed with autism, but we knew he was different at an early age. he is our grandson. both my wife and i both have experience with special kids with our jobs. we;re looking for ways to help our child better we used time out with our regular kids but noticed it didnt work with him we moved to a city to get better help for him as our reserve didnt have any thing.

[@marybarbera]

That is good that you are learning!

[@scottsaylor7678]

All of this talk but no tangible helpful tools or advice

[@rachelring2542]

Positive reinforcement.

[@marybarbera]

Yep!!

[@anitakuryla3715]

I thought I watching your videos and trying to understand what I can do to discipline my special needs daughter. When I do discipline her I feel bad should I feel is a shame letting her know what she did was uncalled for and very wrong. Now I have to start taking things does she loves to do away. Question do you have any adjusting to help me I have been struggling with her since her father passed away I had asked the doctor to put her on medication to calm her down

[@marybarbera]

it sounds like things are really hard. Working to prevent problem behavior by giving lots of positives instead of reacting to the negative can help but utimately looking for a BCBA in your area may help.

[@livelearnandteach7402]

My problem is knowing how to be positive and get my son with autism to do his homework. He's capable but just doesn't want to do it. What do I say or offer him to get him to sit down and do it?

[@marybarbera]

It is all about finding his motivation

[@genakrocodil4839]

There are only two motivations ever: interest or fear. If no interest, create such an alternative for your child that doing his homework will immediately become more desirable option that "or else"

[@jahanzaibkhan1113]

Hello mam your video are very help full.mam I have one question.Can we gave mobile or any device to autism kid .please explain about mobile and any device is helpful or harmful for autism children.

[@marybarbera]

Google mary barbera screentime for my thoughts. I do think they should be engaged as much as possible but everyone needs breaks.

[@genakrocodil4839]

no radgets!!!!!!!!!!

[@reneegraves4486]

Is it bad to have consequences such as losing a preferred activity?

[@marybarbera]

It depends on the child and the situation but I believe we should be preventing the behavior 75% of the time.

[@kimberlymoya1811]

So my child is 3 years old autistic and does not understand right from wrong. How to I teach him ? I tried time out but he did not understand why he was there. I tried taking away his tablet but he does not know why I took his tablet away. I know what causes his "anger". He does not like his 2 year old autistic sister to be anywhere near him nor does he like when she is playing with any toy. He goes up to her and hits her and pushes her. I'm very lost in how to help him. This is a all day thing. I have tried separating them but I can't do this 24/7. I would LOVE your feedback! Thank you for your time!

[@marybarbera]

Check out my free video blog on discipline here: kzbin.info/www/bejne/oZi1ZoWXaMydjtk I cannot give individual advice but I have helped many people through my online courses solve problems like yours. Check out my free workshops to learn more about things you can do today! marybarbera.com/workshops

[@knowledgeofalltruth5088]

Just a suggestion.. have u tried setting him on 1 end of the couch & the other on the other end & then tell them both what's expected of them ( even though he probably won't understand) & then set a timer for let's say 1 minute then reward them both with something they love? Then do this maybe every hour ( I know, seems like a lot) then after a few days set the timer for 2 min & follow through untill u get to 10 min. Then, after a few weeks, try making them sit just a few inches closer & go back to 1 min every hour then reward & praise ( well done " name" great job setting beside ur sister for 1 min yay!!..) then just keep following that through every day until they are setting side by side. U could also try having him & his sister hold something they both like playing with & set a timer & tell them both.. ok, we are going to trade & share our toy for 30 second or 1 minute... Then set the timer.. have them trade.. or do prompting or hand over hand... Then trade back after timer goes off then reward & praise ( yay u traded & shared for one minute. Good job.. say name.. then just increase time every few days. Maybe try this?.... He may not understand but then again maybe over time he might. If he resists... Just keep saying.. nope not acceptable & physically prompted him & redirect

[@jeanpaulisaac6186]

Hi @kimberly moya - have you tried sitting him down to really talk to him and fully explain to him why it is a bad behavior to treat his sister like that? Also try to explain to him that this is his little sister and he should be protecting her, not hitting her. Make sure he understands that she is not able to defend herself and instead of hitting her, he should be protecting her. Let me know how that works out for you.

[@stellievanniekerk6021]

Can someone please advise on some positive ways to discipline,examples please 🙏

[@marybarbera]

I have a full mini course that will guide you on how to do this. Check out my no more timeouts mini course.

[@effie3798]

Do all ABA specialists use the positive approach over punishment? I thought it was known for using punishment.

[@marybarbera]

Unfortunately not all ABA uses a positive approach. That’s what sets us apart. We pride ourselves on the fact that our approach is both positive and child-friendly!

[@Blessedmamaoftwo]

It seems like you don't have any new video

[@marybarbera]

Have you seen my latest podcasts? marybarbera.com/turn-autism-around-podcast/

[@ricoyola]

Spanking is not the same as beating... Many people get that wrong and want to quickly prosecute another parent. It's more like compairing apple's and oranges, so I slightly disagree with the Dr., on this one. If a parent beats up a child to discipline him or her, then yes, that is considered child abuse! But, if a child is constantly disrespectful and disobedient, spanking won't do them any harm when all other Doctoral techniques fail. I used to fear my Dad on the spanking part, but my mom I would constantly disrespect because I knew as a child that she wasn't going to do anything but take my toys away or be angry with me... So using a spanking technique is not as what "modern America" is making out to be.

[@DarkAngel-cj6sx]

Amen to that

[@aniefiokasuquo6634]

Not sure how you would want parents to stop them from bad behavior

[@marybarbera]

My online courses can help teach you how to prevent problem behaviors before they occur and increase your child's language skills. Join me for a free workshop for more info: www.marybarbera.com/workshops.

[@michellehood3345]

so Super Nanny's methods are barbaric?🥺