Why You Want to Pay Attention to Dysphoric Thoughts in the Back of Your Head!

[@matthewsnively9849]

I fought against those thoughts for many years to stay in the “safe” zone, and it ultimately almost killed me and led to deep depression. My fear of losing my wife was what ultimately held me back and even though I am a year into medical transition, I still struggle with losing her, but still hear the voices telling me that I have to keep pushing forward. I know deep down that I am transgender and won’t be able to successfully avoid living as a woman.

[@DRZPHD]

I hope your relationship will work out and I wish you all the best.

[@kellyloganme]

I see you. I was there for far too many decades and I'm still working through it a year after my first realization. I think it's important for people to see how common and normal this is.

[@morgan6999]

Thank you Dr Z, this topic describes exactly how my situation has been evolving. I began by just fantasizing about being a woman just while pleasuring myself. Thus lead me to wanting to crossdress which I felt was just a fetish. This lead to imagining seeing myself as a woman interacting in everyday life as a woman. Now just in the last week I have developed a real female persona as I go about my daily routines. I guess my female self is emerging. I have a therapist.

[@matthewsnively9849]

I am now suicidal and majorly depressed the other way. I am trying to determine whether or not I can live as a man, or at least manly enough to make her happy.

[@maddiesaoirse]

@@matthewsnively9849 First off big hugs and healing thoughts 🫂. Wish I could take away your pain. If you're not in therapy, strongly suggest you find someone to help. Suicide ideation walked with me for most of my life, especially in regards to the struggles I had in my own marriage until recently. There is always a solution, and suicide isn't it. I could tell you my journey, but every marriage is different. Be kind to yourself and I promise you it's not as dark as it may seem. Trust me on this. I've stood exactly where you're standing.🫂❤️❤️

[@Journey-of-1000-Miles]

Every experience I have ever had, has been filtered through the thought of, “how would this moment be different, if only i was born female?”

[@DRZPHD]

Wow that’s very telling.

[@Journey-of-1000-Miles]

@@DRZPHD it now does seem obvious, although, in the past, I would simply suppress those thoughts, and become irritated and agitated with myself for having them. My internalized transphobia is still very strong.

[@marti7343]

I knew I was trans after cross dressing when I started to crave having a woman's body. Then the dysphoria started. Then I started to understand how much stronger my female identity is than my male identity. That was twenty-five years ago. For many reasons, I decided I could not transition then. One important one was I did not want to have to focus on my gender for the rest of my life. I was wrong. Now, nine months into HRT and laser hair removal my life is better than ever. I still have a lot to do and am not sure I will find the courage to do it. I know I am trans and have been from a very early age. Accepting that has changed my life for the better.

[@jessicascott1762]

It is scary to realize you are trans when you have went through a whole life of marriage, career, and kids. When you look back at regression and depression for holding that part in, you want to disprove it. But when you understand it and embrace it, that fear turns into a love. For the first time in a very long time, I love myself.

[@DRZPHD]

So so happy for you!

[@marti7343]

I am a trans woman. I am always amazed at how often what I feel is shared by other trans people. I also love myself more than before starting my transition. Trapped in my false male identity I never really felt that way. Thank you for your comment.

[@maddiesaoirse]

Started with cross dressing. Now? Well, currently waiting for confirmation of my name and gender change documents. Listening to this is like having my own journey retold to me! There is so much truth here. Thank you Dr. Z. ❤❤

[@DRZPHD]

Thanks for sharing.

[@randirosehooper8315]

Thank you Dr Z it is very helpful. I think my identity is waking up in a way and it's asking more from me.

[@DRZPHD]

Glad it was helpful!

[@darrylclark1869]

I have had these thoughts since I was a child. I have them when I'm asleep, when I'm awake, when I'm at work. I have them about 20 out of 24 hours a day and I don't know how to handle it. I have self administered years ago for a few months, and it felt great. I felt a calm feeling. I stopped because I started to develop 😢. I just can't get it out of my head. Very scared to death to do something about it. I'm still questioning if I am really trans or not.

[@DRZPHD]

Thanks for sharing and I wish you all the best!

[@b0ndrey]

You’re not alone. I hope you find resolution and peace.

[@marti7343]

Maybe if you start trying to understand why you are scared it will help. You may or not be trans. It does seem from what you write that you are, but it is not much for me to go on. Working on your fear sounds like the first step in accepting your authentic self - whatever that is. Only you can uncover that for yourself. Accepting yourself as trans goes a long way towards your well being regardless of how you decide to or not to transition.

[@darrylclark1869]

I hope so. The fear that I have is insane 😳

[@Princess_Paula_T.]

​@@darrylclark1869Would it be fear of the unknown? Since you already experienced physical changes, did you like them, how did they make you feel and would you be able to live with them. How would they effect those you care about? Ask them how they feel about those who transition. Trying not to offend anybody is impossible. Since I have stated here that I am trans I have removed some of my mental feeling of being suppressed. Little steps and probing help to get what you want.

[@LarryPhischman]

Doctor Z, I'm 5 months into HRT, my mind and body are more or less fully reintegrated (i had severe depersonalization and dissociation symptoms before), and my body is changing in wonderful ways. And I'm doing my best to "put in the work" at this stage of my transition while still closeted: gender and trauma therapy, trans femme group therapy, maintaining a regular estrogen injection schedule, healthy diet and regular exercise, and communicating with other trans femmes online. But I'm also under doctor's orders from my HRT provider to start socializing IRL with other trans femmes so I have people like me to confide in and "hold my hand" through my transition. And that is where I have a problem. I have been a loner for most of my life and the prospect of trying to form a social life again scares me. Even when worse is I cannot get over the feeling that I'm not fat enough along in my transition (not "trans enough") to associate IRL with more transitioned women. Visually I'm still a tall, broad, moderately overweight man; at least fully clothed. I'm also worried about exposure before I'm ready to come out. What's annoying is that thanks to the magic of HRT, I desperately want start socializing and the days when I'm isolated in my apartment are no longer pleasant. How do I get over this cognitive barrier and let myself seek the companionship of other trans girls?

[@robynrox]

My short story is that there was something in the back of my mind for decades. I crossdressed but not to any great extent before starting my male-to-female transition, but I was obsessed with gender-bending to a great extent - seeing trans youtubers living normal lives was what pushed me further in the direction of experimenting, and obviously there was enough internal tension to cause me to transition. Nobody makes a decision to transition lightly, and after exploring my identity, I was so upset when I decided not to transition on a Friday that by Sunday, the path before me was clear. Yes, I'm happier having transitioned, but I wish I didn't have such a need; being trans and transitioning is a pain. For me, I believe it is a lesser pain than being trans and not transitioning would have been, and I understand that being trans is immutable; only the decision is held to be a choice, and even that - well, is it a choice to live or not to live, effectively? Is it really a choice? Who knows.

[@DRZPHD]

Wish you all the best!

[@marti7343]

Being trans is not a choice. Transitioning is. It is hard, but for many of us it is the right choice because our lives are better.

[@robynrox]

@@marti7343 My point is that if choosing to transition is the decision one must make to save one's own life, for example, it isn't really a choice as such. At the time I chose to transition, it was a choice because I was not in that position - but even then, I was so sad at the thought of not transitioning that I'm not convinced that I really had any say in the matter. What is choice? How does one choose anything, really? I might be getting a bit philosophical, but I believe there is an argument that holds that choice is an illusion. We think we are making decisions so we think we have choice, but that could just be an illusion brought on by consciousness.

[@marti7343]

Yes, that is a hard one. I have also thought that if I stopped my transition I would rather not live. But for me, I know I must live - not for myself only, but for other people. It certainly is hard to come to terms with being trans and all that it means. Regardless, my life is better now that I am more authentic!

[@jennizepol]

Dr Z!!! Thank you for this video! It has come at the most PERFECT TIME! The past couple weeks I have been struggling. My thoughts are constantly about what life would feel like if I were a man. My thoughts are becoming more and more frequent. Just the last couple days I felt like I NEED to start paying attention to my thoughts, my feelings! One month ago I came out as non-binary and introduced myself as León. And since then, I just feel I want more. You were right, Dr Z! You told me once I tap into my authentic self, I am going to want more. I feel it heavily. I have so much to understand and healing to do. So much more to tap into with my authentic self, but I’m trying to do the work. I have booked an appt with a local therapist who has experience with non-binary and trans concerns. Thank you for your content. Your videos with very specific topics ALWAYS come at the right time. THANK YOU!!

[@DRZPHD]

You are so welcome and thank you for sharing.

[@Hhhhhhhhh186]

I wish you all the best. It's never too late (saying this as a trans man who only just started transition at 36.) I wish you strength. Focus on one small thing that brings you joy... just one thing at a time. Tiny steps and you will make it, León, I just know it. ❤🏳️‍⚧️

[@jennizepol]

@@Hhhhhhhhh186 not sure what happened to my original response to you, but thank you so much for your kind words! I appreciate you taking the time to do so! Congratulations to you on starting your journey. I wish you the best! -becomingleon

[@strykerpass600]

I heard egg cracking is a thing for older people. But what happens if your egg cracked when you’re a little kid but then you spend an entire life actively repressing your desire to be a woman? To a point where you are just numb (and distant) and can’t even identify as any gender in your head but people relate to you as a man. Does this have a category or a name?

[@AB_RetroSynth]

I used to think I was only a MTF crossdresser when I was a kid because I never felt the desire or need to have a medical transition. I've always felt that my gender has been female since the age of 4 years old. I'm 50 now and I've never been able to shake the need to be feminine full time. I feel like I can call myself nonbinary trans femme. Is my issue that I'm comfortable with my body but not my gender expression? Does this sound right? I've also had lifelong estrogen dominance. Maybe that has a lot to do with why I feel this way. I have softer features and boobs because my testicles produce more estrogen than testosterone. It's been so much fun to be me! (Sarcastically speaking). Thanks Dr Z! You're the best!!!

[@tiffanyplacencia2296]

I been questioning for years if I was a transgender person. Few times I told myself I am not transgender person because one reason or another, but mainly because, I was transphobic and did not want to loose my religious views. My gender expression and my desired gender role has always been masculine. I always fantasized about being a boy/men, but it has been my secret. Always play characters masculine leaning. Now I have deconstructed my religion and deconstructing my transphobia, but it still is scary thinking I am highly possibly am a transgender person. I am noticing all the times I did things to validate my masculinity and wished I was a boy/men. It’s so painful, because I feel like I can never truly be who I want and would never be accepted.

[@rebeccawoodward6975]

I can only confirm the many other comments. Dr Z you speak so much truth. My thoughts over the past decades got unbearable until an encounter triggered my, in your words, gender crisis and I went for help. I would have needed this video in the 1990s but I believe it will help many younger people who struggle with gender issues to get alerted. Your efforts are so wonderful. Thanks ☺️

[@DRZPHD]

Thank you and wish you all the best.

[@Hhhhhhhhh186]

After I had my son, I became very obsessed with "fixing" my intimacy problems. But resolving my sex life in a conventional way was sickening to me. I had a hard time thinking of myself as a wife (I never did like thinking that way.) This, and body dysphoria postpartum is what made me know I am and have always been a transgender man. Once I leaned into my true self, I was able to finally reconnect with my husband as a gay man. We are both happier and closer, and I am well on my way with HRT which has made me a better parent and more present, warm, happy person in my family life. A lifetime of rage and anxiety is gone. Also my chronic pain has vanished. Transitiioning saved my family and we have discovered more love as a whole through my ability to love myself. All of this did stem from shameful fantastical thoughts. But I do like to be percieved by everyone as man and always have. I am now more confident and the fog has cleared.

[@arunkumarkumar930]

Dr you beautiful and gorgeous ❤️❤️❤️❤️

[@DreamerInDisguise]

Thank you so much for this Dr Z!! I have an appointment to find out if i can start Testosterone soon and my family is continuously telling me that i’m rushing into things too fast despite the fact that i’ve been fighting this identity for 5 years. It’s hard to not let their words get to me but videos like this help so much

[@SikrosSpencer]

Dr Angel. Dr mode. We love you ❤❤❤🎉🎉🎉

[@DRZPHD]

Thank you 🫶

[@sniffableandirresistble]

I'm so trans that I refuse to transition because the truth is I was only pretending to be male all along, not only so I might not suffer the "slings and arrows of outrageous" ignorance and constant relagation propelled upon such openly declared individuals but because what if I'm wrong as I often are in life. Remember you can be 100% certain and still be wrong ❤ (Killer epic earrings!!! Epic and tasteful ❤)

[@DRZPHD]

Totally hear you on ignorance!

[@erin.unoffically]

I wish I had someone like you in my life 10 years ago❤

[@morgan6999]

This describes what I have gone through. My genderbending led me to thinking of being a woman and now my sense of being has become a woman a lot of the time. If I have dysphoria it doesn't bother me to the extent I can't live like this yet. Will dysphoria get worse for me?

[@limlrumerl-6922]

For me figuring all of this out feels so complicated, because I am afab and have been identifying as nonbinary for about a year now. I'm struggling with people perceiving me as a woman and I'm not sure if I'd rather have them see me as a man? I also speak german, where they/them pronouns don't exist, so that doesnt make validating my nonbinary identity any easier 😅

[@DRZPHD]

Wish you all the best.

[@Brian.8272]

what would the outcome be if i get off testosterone that i have been on for about 10 years and switch to estrogen? things have changed in my life

[@DRZPHD]

Hi. This is a question to ask your medical doctor about.

[@nicklee5809]

Thank you so much for your videos. They are beyond helpful. I think I have wondered what it (and I) would be like as a female since i was maybe 10. I just put that down to curiosity and my imaginative thought processes, being an arty type. These thoughts were infrequent but kept returning. I am now 57 and have been cross dressing for maybe 6 months. I like the way it makes me feel, and I brings peace. I have made a few trips out in public all dressed up and rearly enjoyed the experiences.. Now, frequently, I am thinking what it would be like to present as a woman full time. to live as a woman. How i would look in such n such dress, would i be able to pass. Could i grow old as a woman. What would it be like to have real breasts, am I trans, should I socially transition, would that be enough, what would it be like to have a vagina, could i commit to something so permanent. It can be incessant but it’s not yet affecting my work. However I don't have anything I would call gender dysphoria. So am I just obsessing and this will all just pass. This video has made me think I should probably take this (and everything else) to a therapist. I have been putting off the possibility of being trans with all sorts of excuses and doubts but my inner girl (for want of a better expression) keeps knocking at the door.