Work Is Not Your Family | Gloria Chan Packer | TED

You may need to hear this (if you haven't already): your job is not your family. While you can develop meaningful relationships with your colleagues, calling work your family can actually breed burnout and be detrimental to your mental and emotional health. Mental wellness educator Gloria Chan Packer walks through the exercises you need to shift your perspective and redraw the boundaries between your work and personal life, so you can feel freer and more empowered.
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[@Erica-en2qz]

I used to be guilty of this, but realized that I was using coworkers and overwork to fill sad empty spaces in my personal life.

[@soslothful]

One's work can be a sad, empty place.

[@juliannaokike3359]

Impartially true I don't see what else there is to do when things don't go as planned plus idle hands are the devils play ground.

[@soslothful]

@@juliannaokike3359 Idle hands may just as well find some creative use for free time.

[@ruhiyyabaylarova5300]

Absolutely true! I've experienced the same, but I decided to go ahead in different way and never repeat old patterns.

[@warrencanonigo]

This is a nice reminder for those who give their all to their job at the expense of health and family time.

[@angelawest6296]

working in childcare definitely is an environment where they try to say “we’re like family” but then really overwork you and undervalue you. It’s definitely a phrase that psychologically manipulates you and burns you out. I definitely have been burnt out from that and have started setting boundaries myself, while also trying to find a different job.

[@KelsiMcbride-b8n]

I am currently in the EXACT same situation right now. I want to leave and have a job in mind. My bosses are terrible and are always talking about me. They truly don’t care about anything but money. Can’t wait to leave.

[@Agorhi]

If I walk into a workplace/group, etc, and someone says “We’re family here”! First… eww Second … NO!

[@mountainous_port]

she talks so clearly and smooth. her choice of words are just perfect.

[@yuppers1]

Yes! It's especially dangerous for those of is who came from narscisst households where we were taught unhealthy coping skills and are especially pliant to people in authority. Your boss is not your mom/dad. They will not love you more if you make yourself indisposable or twist yourself into a pretzel to please them. There is no such thing as indisposal at work.

[@aquelaquelaquelaquel]

We're like family, only when it's bad and a huge workload, but I'm the CEO/Cheif/BOSS/MANAGER when it comes to bonuses, travel expenses, benefits, vacation etc

[@sheddinglightspreadingligh8864]

I can see, now that I'm older, why so many people "think" they have friends and family at work. A few actually do, but others just can't see from the outside looking in that they are being used, manipulated, drawn into drama, childlike cliques, affairs, etc. I've been friends with a few coworkers but we are ACTUAL friends who do adult friend things, not childish things like gathering to gang up on someone, we weren't gossip buddies or parts of a childlike cliques desperate to belong as if we were still in school. I tried to convey this to a few other people whom I somewhat cared about at a job on three different ocassions, and each time (yep, it took 3x for me to learn to let people burn) they threw me under the bus, I became a bigger target than I already was (many attractive and likeable women with good ideas or people who stand out can relate to that cattyness aimed at them), and they all faced a karma that still makes me cringe until this day, right before their "work family and friends" turned on them. EACH ONE. Not one work friend is a work friend today, but one woman sure is comfy in her role as the old betrayed friend's new wife! Great work friend, huh? The point of this video is a great one, which is to remember your worth AND INTERESTS as an individual and not just a worker. But please, for yourself, review the effects your workplace relationships are having on you in general. People who get you to do more work for the same pay and a few Thank You's, a person who wants to have an affair with you (which is a potentially dangerous relationship and mostly at his or her convenience), people who mostly value you for gossip and as a Flying Monkey, etc, ARE NOT YOUR FRIENDS OR FAMILY! They see you as usable. If its costing you growth in maturity, finances, loss of personal time, self esteem, etc, its not worth it and will set you back further than where you started. VALUE YOURSELF!❤️

[@ralphmaver1489]

Bosses exploit these 'friendships'.

[@YouilAushana]

Yes, they don't make them like they used to!

[@YouilAushana]

@@ralphmaver1489 rather cunning of these Sociopaths and psychopaths.

[@Prof.SeverusSnape]

Thank you for this

[@christianpaul-cp6746]

You want to see how many of your “work friends” are really true friends. If they’re on your social media, see how many interact with your posts. Do they engage? Do they like any of your pics or posts? Do they congratulate you when you share good news? Or do they remain silent in the background?

[@johnnygunzfilmbuff7821]

My therapist told me family is the most important value I can be replaced at work if i died tomorrow but I can't be replaced by my family.

[@yennefer440]

I like that she's right.

[@johnnygunzfilmbuff7821]

@@yennefer440 she is but I can be so hard on myself for not getting what I want in life being hungry and desperate for money comfort stability and being happy.

[@johnnygunzfilmbuff7821]

@@yennefer440 like all of us was negatively impacted by the pandemic lost my job back in school working on my degree

[@yennefer440]

​@@johnnygunzfilmbuff7821 I'm sorry to hear that hope things get better for you in the future

[@johnnygunzfilmbuff7821]

@@yennefer440 espcially my crazy 93 year old grandfather wants me to be successful in life believe me I want that and he doesn't understand not easy. He also does not understand the life obstacles and struggles of a college student.

[@marypolancodesigns]

She nailed it at 11:19. Once I looked internally for how to recover from my burnout and identified my reasons for it in the first place, I was able to come out of it with clarity and the boundaries I needed to move forward. I don't fear work anymore because I know myself now and what my priorities are.

[@juliannaokike3359]

What is acceptable and what is not acceptable/permissable to one self.

[@ondrejtregler]

So true. Coworkers are not family or friends. I can have good proffesional relationships with them but I don't give a f**k about them outside the work.

[@johngarza424]

Damn man you and me think alike

[@djw8888]

My brother invited so many of his coworkers to his wedding...and then was laid off the following month...right before Christmas. Happy Holidays! said his "family."

[@alikaandrade3435]

Oof

[@ashantalomax2421]

Sorry to hear that 😢

[@kristybrown9092]

Not surprising but still disappointing…

[@HeavenlyLights]

12:50ish “we’re like a professional sports team” this works👊🏻💯

[@RollieB89]

I always hated when this comment was said in any company that I worked in

[@nutrientdenseketo2241]

This is unrelated but I have learned to distance my social media from my coworkers. I work at a job where people share deeply personal things about their lives. I blocked some of my co-workers on social media when they kept wanting to talk about the outing i went to and posted about on social media.

[@calisongbird]

I never once considered adding any of my coworkers to my social media. When people asked, I lied and said I didn't use it much. Absolutely no way they need to be all up in my personal business.

[@ShellshockedRadio]

This was a good talk, wanted to send ot to my boss, but rather not do that ... but yes, just lately I want a separation between workplace and private life. This is a good reminder with a few good pointers.

[@RandomStuff-12345]

This still is a good talk 😅

[@dougg1075]

Oh yeah I’ve lived it. Now I work for myself and I’m a family of one:) The people I consider family are folks I worked with though. We were a family within a fake family

[@kristen-sheajacoby]

I literally work for family and so we made the phrase 'work is work', to not blur the boundaries of taking advantage. It has its difficulties but I wouldn't work anywhere else, as we all work with the same ethics and integrity.

[@nathaliecowong]

This is So true. Mental health issues are often ignore or push back as your problem. 7:00 reflection moment

[@ddchomeschool]

Thanks for this! SO many people think that their job is their purpose in life. And unless you’re some sort of 1 in a million specialty surgeon, that’s probably not true. 🙏

[@xxletm3loveyouxx734]

Professional sports team makes a lot more sense. Sometimes work takes all of us. It really is improper at to focus on what time is ours. Amazing message about boundaries & the overall outcome of our health and wellness. That’s so true about our mental health. Professional mental health assistance can become so stigmatized in society & the presence of a mental health condition not openly accepted within the workplace.

[@BladeRedwind]

We're all accountable in some way, and I do think employers need to do their part, but I do also firmly believe we teach people how to treat us. If you make yourself available all the time to people, they will expect you to be available all the time.

[@YouilAushana]

Yep, I was abused to the max as a child too! I guess it is my warped sense of reality and what is caring and loving and giving.

[@marinam9925]

These are things we never learned growing up 🥺 thanks so much!!

[@amomentformusic]

Amazing! Thank you for this reminder, great talk! 👍

[@paulanicole4786]

one of the best ted talks i've seen in a long time.

[@hueyahumana]

Excellent talk ❤

[@murielmailhac5314]

Priceless talk, priceless tips, thank you so much Gloria for sharing your experience and knowledge with us 🙏🏽🙏🏽

[@MsKasiulenka]

Thank you for this

[@corra7]

So so true well said

[@MoltenPlastic]

If we're a family, does that mean I inherit the company when my boss dies?

[@mepulley7913]

🤣😂

[@cybersekkin]

With a growing number of companies hiring on mental health services, I would suggest finding a service not connected to your company. In the end of the day the ones your company hires report to the company. Also I see some "sessions" coming through that are undisguised company rallies and not in any way out for the employees wellbeing. If you need it, get helth services for yourself, but make sure they are there for you and not just to get you back on the treadmill quicker for the companies bottom line.

[@LEDISTIAMULYANI]

Previously I thought, no matter where I am and no matter who I am close to, I can think of them as family. I have never worked, but with me looking around me. I know, I can't think of them as family. Because no matter how close we are to someone, they can be nice to us, but maybe they can betray us. how we view them as a family also changes the way we think and behave, and this also affects our mentality. When people we think of as family go through unpleasant things, we think of doing things that can help them, and it becomes a pressure on us to always be by their side and always be able to help them, without knowing that we are ignoring our own needs.

[@ElectricIguana]

I feel exactly like she's describing.

[@osexio]

Well said.

[@azr6288]

yes yes i learnt the hard way be civil polite but set boundaries

[@traysjourneysouthflorida2265]

Amazing!

[@mimibazari]

One day I would love to go and TED TALK and do a motivational talk through my life experience to encourage someone out there

[@calisongbird]

So make that happen.

[@lashaddictem7750]

I never want to work for a boss that who doesn’t have a family. People who don’t have a personal life outside of work tend to overwork. Many unhealthy work places uses that phrase “we are like a family” to get away with things that you are not even responsible to do.

[@jiyoungkim9258]

I love this video

[@ThanhTran-db5pf]

❤Thank you 😊

[@niccolom]

You're expected to sacrifice your wellbeing for the good of your family, but that doesn't happen very often in an average family. But at work, situations happen day in and day out. If you treat your colleagues as family, you'll be required to sacrifice your wellbeing day in and day out. That's probably the quickest way to get burnt out. As for boundaries, the management wants to break and blur it so that you would work harder and work more for them. Treating work as family has everything good for the companies, and don't have any benefits to the workers. Don't let your work be your whole identity.

[@jamshidnikkerdar2074]

Great 👍 👌

[@kanadian9418]

We are like family is a phrase used mostly by narcissists. I always say 'you are fucking not'

[@dixonbuttes6564]

This talk is amazingly well delivered!

[@JCA1009]

I agree most of what she are saying. But that point when she said "somewhere in our lives we learned and adapted that repressing or sacrificing our needs for others was beneficial". Most people didn't learned that. Most people are selfish, they only think about their needs and what they want and they don't show real care on what are the consecuenses of doing whatever it takes to get that. The human being is selfish and crushes his own kind if that requires doing to get what he wants. These new generations who reductionist studies say that are very concerned about social causes and so on, is not true. They are the same or worse than previous generations, because in general they show hypocrisy: they say they care but when there is a crisis, there is a lack of work, lack of money or they are at risk, they do not give a damn about others. Wow, it doesn't even take a critical point for them to be like this: just see how they are when they want to go through the traffic light first, get a seat on public transport or grab the latest product on sale. Work is not family, nor is family usually that family that is idolized. And what I say is not new, but rather it has intensified. It's a human problem and I don't think this is going to change ever.

[@soleplanter]

Thank you 🙏

[@MrGsvideos]

Never value anything you can easily loose.. jobs come and go.. A house can come and go.

[@michellezevenaar]

My husband worked for his sister and brother in law for about 8 years. In the end they definitely were taking advantage of him and had been bullying him because he didn't want to become management. even though they often called him in emergency situations in the middle of the night, his manager was responsible for it but didn't puck up the phone he still didn't want that responsibly. After he got sick they started bullying him..... ignoring what the company doctor said and over worked him..... they even printed a letter from his lawyer to the owners and hung it up in the office for everyone to read. Never work for family if you can avoid it. Even your sister could betray you and let her husband bullying you to try to get you to quite because they have to legal reason to fire you.

[@TutOr-gb5nt]

"better than words say it with a selfie" gloria chang, gloria chang is a v. Amazing author ☺️ 👍🏻 i want to know who is your audience in this story and "OMG not another selfie " COMPARE AND CONTRAST 🙉💕 thank you gloria or TED

[@kathyjones3376]

Needed to see this as I was checking emails for work on a Sunday morning 😣

[@thecunninlynguist]

fight the urge to do this. It can wait. Your time is valuable.

[@jonski_i]

If you dont value your time you will get robbed of it unknowingly

[@kathyjones3376]

@@jonski_i you are so right!

[@Mtaalas]

Just stop it... on Friday, when you leave work... leave EVERYTHING behind. Don't think, don't touch do't read anything regarding work until Monday morning when you get there. They don't pay you for doing work outside of the hours... so DON'T!

[@ralphmaver1489]

​@@Mtaalas ...and over the weekend block your boss's number.

[@harveyspecter9817]

00:06 Calling work our family can be detrimental to our mental and emotional health. 02:08 Setting boundaries for mental health is important 03:53 Overworking and burnout can lead to a cycle of imbalance and negative health effects. 05:55 Learning to set boundaries and reduce perfectionism and people-pleasing behaviors is crucial for mental health. 07:57 Identifying and reflecting on cognitive schemas. 10:08 Understanding the role of subconscious behavior in workplace burnout 12:01 Communicate with clear boundaries 13:42 Set boundaries to maintain quality and avoid losing team members or customers.

[@dalewolver8739]

Work is a "Wage cage"

[@user-jl1vw3my7v]

Maybe it's because i'm from a generation that is not triggered by phrases or words, but this makes no sense to me. I love my work family and after spending more than half my life at one company, i'm proud of the deep friendships I have today. I've seen beautiful relationships and marriages grow in the workplace as well. Work life balance is important, just as balance in anything is, but there are a lot better ways to achieve that. Being triggered by a phrase and then trying to set up boundaries to cope is not the way to trust others and to as them to put their trust in you. Focus on what's important and treating people with thoughtfulness and respect, not triggering words and you'll find the balance and success you're looking for.

[@calisongbird]

The words/phrase doesn't CREATE the problem, it simply DESCRIBES the problem. Kind of like talking about institutional racism isn't a racist act in and of itself - it simply describes a reality in our world. It's not about "triggering" words. It's just naming something that exists.

[@P0LYBiUS7]

For some of us, work is all the family we have.

[@miriamchalmovianska863]

No corporation is your family or friend. Your friends are your friends and your family is your family. Period. You are replacable. Everybody is. Queen elizabeth 2, diana, freddy mercury...what makes you think you are not😂

[@user-sd6km8oq2l]

0:43 0:43

[@user-sd6km8oq2l]

0:12 0:12

[@gimashacelineedirisinghe6379]

❤️

[@pupax2000]

What is up with the 2 bots competing in spamming quotes?

[@user-sd6km8oq2l]

0:49 0:49

[@Zerobob26]

I've never been close friends with any of my colleagues for this very reason, even though, job after job, certain colleagues have always socialised at weekends in various groups. However, regardless of boundaries, if I don't personally work long hours to meet personal deadlines (I have a very specific critical role) then the company could lose clients, become unprofitable, and I could lose my job. I'm happy this TED speaker has landed on her feet, has a great family who support her, and she's found a good work/life balance, but given my situation, I can only view this advice as overly simplistic and patronising.

[@thecunninlynguist]

is your role specialized to that one company?

[@Zerobob26]

@@thecunninlynguist No, but I've experienced so many awful companies during my career after changing job, that I'm reluctant to move companies (once again) because the grass is rarely greener. I also feel invested in the success of my company, now I've put so much hard work into it... I'd hate to leave at the eleventh hour and not see the fruits of my labour, and be rewarded accordingly. My current company at least respects the work I do for them, gives me a fair bit of freedom when it comes to my hours, and lets me work from home. However, that doesn't change the amount of personal responsibility that's been placed squarely on my shoulders since day one.

[@thecunninlynguist]

@@Zerobob26 that sounds more horrible than good. But if you're content with it, more power to you.

[@Zerobob26]

@@thecunninlynguist I'm not content, but I'm a lot better off than I have been in the past... I was more just suggesting what choice do people like myself have, if they have work pressures and a mortgage to pay? Deadlines are deadlines.

[@miriamchalmovianska863]

You think you hold the company? No. Dont be stupid. They should hire another person. Trust me you can be replaced anytime. I did several critical role jobs. The companies never valued it

[@user-sd6km8oq2l]

0:17 0:17

[@terrific804]

This all can happen in your relationshp(s) too.

[@muscutt]

Great talk

[@shinowhitlock2449]

What do I do if it's the family company?

[@YouilAushana]

My folks used me for free labor. They just forgot I was an individual human.

[@user-ln6ne4xe9v]

Actually i deeply hate one of my colleagues,i carry out many issues whereas he evades any responsibilities. How do i need to cooperate with a selfish,greedy,god damn helpless guy like him then i can't change anything but standing still in the same position. So disgusting.

[@Sophie-xm6pd]

That sounds really challenging I’m sorry to hear that!

[@user-si3zz4ro3i]

amaizing 🙂❤

[@thalibmuhammad9519]

work is not family, i worked for 6 years in different company with different cultures (corporate and startup) i couldn't agree more with this

[@AndreRosario-zm8pf]

🙏🙏🙏🌎🇺🇸 Be silent respect people. Only there to work and take care of your family and your priorities. Different backgrounds . This is true.

[@Albadry13]

malicious phrase "we are like family

[@kaupaxup]

yeah, insidious even. a way for ceo's to excuse themselves from earning horrendous amounts more that their workers... "but, I've got this big family to take care of!"

[@buggyboy2849]

Work is my family and my boss is my creepy uncle.

[@caracaraorange9524]

7:37 - I see you ! 😉

[@claudiaclaudia936]

Nothing like family 🤔we are stocks/check$

[@a_reflection_of_yourself]

I know it's being really picky but "I and my team" sounds so awkward, it's my team and I, or myself and my team.

[@papasokratis]

*Michael Scott left the chat*

[@LieveLeysen-Discover-]

✨💖✨

[@MohamedAlaaElsayed]

1st world problem. Lady, I once told my boss (I"m not doing that at home because I have a life), and I took flak for it xD That's a luxury we don't have in 3rd world countries. If there's a virtual meeting that has to be attended, assignments that have to be corrected and graded, or even mundane and boringly repetitious administrative tasks that have to be done at home, NOT complying is a punishable (failure of compliance).

[@flyingmobias]

Steven pinker's book The blank slate disagrees...

[@amulyabaranwal756]

How to identify the symptoms of mental health? Why is it that after breaking the threshold only we realise it. How can we find it any sooner ?

[@soslothful]

My employer delights in this sort of fatuous Corporate Speak.

[@Wolfighter1]

Anyone who disagrees with topic should reconsider and seek professional mental help.

[@Bergstromoliver]

Boundries.

[@SmokeyVlogs]

This is how i felt working for Zomato Till i quit after getting stigma

[@SmokeyVlogs]

And now im stuck in my cave .. need to get out work again and earn again

[@SHUBHAMSHARMA-wm8ty]

Then get out and find one that you like, change until you feel like”its the one”

[@carsonhunt4642]

@@SHUBHAMSHARMA-wm8ty That’s another pro corporate propaganda message. It’s a lie. Work is work, not your life.

[@ajungfan3301]

All these wellness experts- no clinical training- no psychological practice qualification…

[@cryptotonic567]

😯

[@user-ez2gw4nt3i]

この英文むずかしすぎる

[@TomNook.]

I WFH. Problem solved

[@franalmonte8843]

This is helpful until your employer requieres you to work until late.

[@michailgeorgiadis3718]

Companies rewarding their employees with Pizza instead of Bonus are the best. You can eat bonus!

[@sownheard]

Family members are way easier to exploit. 🥺❤️ Help a brother out work some unpaid overtime. Come-on don't ask for more pay we're a family 😡 Why you deserve more money. Why would you want more money 🥺❤️ do you not love the job? How dare you take a day off 😡 Your not a team player.

[@shuhinkachi]

For me, the level of trust between family members is really high. And I would sacrifice my own life for them. I work with my teammates using the same principle.

[@niccolom]

Your real family members won't require you to sacrifice your own life for them everyday. Your teammates who you treat as family members does, if your team does anything important. That's exactly why people get burnt out.

[@themanwnoname3454]

2022(G) “Respect and dignity.” Furthermore:

[@YoutubeAreJewz]

Meanwhile Japan be like………🫥🫥🫥

[@EdwardLawrence-12345]

"Knowing who is alive and their whereabouts would be a major step forward in breaking the wall of silence around the fate of the missing and the disappeared."- _Paulo Pinheiro, Lynn Welchman & Hanny Megally_

[@tka-tpa-prapatankalisari45192]

TED 😊 🎓🎓 _“ Be a free thinker and don't accept everything you hear as truth. Be critical and evaluate what you believe in."_ - ARISTOTLE 🗿 🎓 😊

[@HobbyAsylum]

Work is an unpleasant necessity, and in many cases it robs us of our soul. Someone makes a lot of money from you and you get scraps.

[@macdisciple]

The wrong employment is that, but the right employment can be rewarding. Either way though, people need to set boundaries.

[@Worthless1010]

@@macdisciple Every employment someone is making money off of you

[@calisongbird]

@@Worthless1010 unless you're an entrepreneur

[@johnbarrett5268]

Work is never your family it’s a salary and a career

[@131313MOCS]

To my hot coworker: wincest?

[@tka-tpa-prapatankalisari45192]

Oh TED 😊🎓🎓 "Although I am a gregarious person, I love solitude even more. I welcome the opportunity to be by myself, to plan, to think, to plot. But one can have too much solitude. I was terribly lonesome for my wife and my FAMILY." ─ NELSON MANDELA _Revisiting Robben Island, Cape Town,_ 🇿🇦 *South Africa* _11 February 1994_ 🎓 😊