Your Avoidant Attachment Style Is Hard For Your Partner: Here's What You Can Do

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People who had a rough childhood often develop an "avoidant" attachment style, which can be hard for their partners who may crave reassurance, commitment, and frequent expressions of affection that don't come easily to avoidants. In this video I respond to a letter from a woman who considers herself avoidant, but wants to be a good partner to the boyfriend she loves. Hear my tips for how people with an avoidant attachment style can smooth their most difficult patterns and become better partners.
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[@LynKayx]

Ugh this resonates with me so much. I'm just now to the point where I can start focusing on my formed habits from the past and one is thinking the worst. My partner says it a lot, "you always the think the worst things of me..." it makes so much sense the more I go along this journey!

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

This is great insight, those of us with CPTSD can be a BIT pessimistic :) -Cara@TeamFairy

[@thecommonsensecapricorn]

I relate … 🤍😔 it’s really hard to know whether someone is not right for me or I’m sabotaging a healthy relationship with my avoidant attachment. Do you have any idea or do you struggle with the same?

[@cappygurl]

Just one clarification I would make to prevent confusion for those watching the video. Fearful avoidant, anxious avoidant and disorganized are all the same attachment style. It's called disorganized because those who have it did not develop an organized way of coping with their trauma and they tend to have both the anxious and avoidant traits. I am an attachment style coach.

[@smileyface702]

Thanks for saying this!

[@soothingwisdom273]

came here to say this!

[@waynepolo6193]

In addition to this, when 'Lisa' mentions having body "dimorphism", I believe what she's intending to say is "body dysmorphia." Anna interpreted this correctly when explaining it, I just think it's an important thing to clarify.

[@GreenJewelLights]

The way people talk about disorganised and fearful avoidant is actually usually different, even though they’re lumped into the same bucket. It’s almost as if fearful avoidant is on the milder side of the scale and disorganised is on the more severe side.

[@tyronesmith8305]

I had to break up with my girlfriend of 7 months and almost sounded so similar that I wondered if she was the one who wrote the letter, except she dated and flirted with other guys, hung up on me alot and gaslight me to hell and other controlling behaviors. I've been in 2 yrs intensive trauma therapy for cptsd and it really was setting my progress back, despite her self awareness the secretive style and constantly devaluing and comparing me to others was where the boundaries came in. I put a bit of distance in attempt to give healing and it got so much worse. The way the writer of this letter is working towards healing is superb, makes me wish I had someone who would work together like that, I was very patient and understanding, to a fault on my part. Congratulations on being a Rockstar girlfriend, I'm rooting for you two.

[@mahafarooq.k1181]

I have an avoidant husband and i have been going insane with his avoidant personality and clashing thoughts. On one side, I do know in my heart that he is a good man, he does love me, we went through a struggle to be with each other, got married young etc. On the other hand, intimacy always takes a backseat. We used to engage in bad fights over the years because the moment I expressed my needs, he became explosive and painted me in a bad light. Over time, with the help of such videos, reading up on this personality type & self awareness of own anxious attachment type (because I grew up without my dad and lost my mom at a young age), I made some changes in myself and noticed things DID get better with him. I noticed him making an effort too, where I knew he was merely making an effort for my sake, but remember you cant change someoen to think and feel like you. as long as the effort is coming, it means something. When I stopped 'demanding' my needs being met, giving me more time, doing things for me in a certain way (my love language) and took out complaining and accusatory tone and words out of our discussions, I was able to notice some positive changes. He became more open, shared more, was not as evasive as he used to be (because the fear of criticism reduced somewhat), even started making expressive gestures (a little bit) and became more in tune of his responsibilities. towards me. He's still the same guy that honestly, I am annoyed with almost everyday but being married for almost 8 years I have noticd that every person has their vice, it may sound cliched but NOBODY is perfect. Honestly, it is EXTREMELY hard work, it's like you constantly train yourself to be a less sentimental, brave, calm person (especially if you're an anxious, insecure in love kind of person) but over time, you will realize that avoidant people in most cases are victims of their neglectful & abusive childhoods. While I am NOT advocating avoidants, knowing first hand how lonely & empty you feel with them, but they're NOT BAD PEOPLE. if we go on leaving people for who they are, everyone would be single. I believe God really does want you to be self-reliant and explore that whole universe in yourself that you are. yes, love and affirmation is important, but they're not all your life, just parts of it. dont rely on others to make you feel loved and validatated. Final thing: learn to appreciate what people spell out in their own love language rather than enforcing your own and as long as the partner IS making some sort of effort for the relationship, hang on :)

[@antimultazamiya3819]

thank u for sharing your positive experience. i almost give up cs there are a lot of negative comment about avoidant partner and suggest us to run. but it’s not that simple cs i know my bf is a good man

[@Goldarlives]

Thank you for not labeling us all as abusers. I didn’t choose to be avoidant, it’s literally a survival mechanism from childhood that I have to learn to navigate the world with. I don’t think people who are anxious or securely attached have any way of peering into our heads and understanding how uncomfortable receiving affection can be. It like your brain freezes because it’s so uncomfortable and foreign. It takes a slow exposure to get used to that feeling. Anxious types scream at us because “we don’t want love” but we simply didn’t get the tools to process it as children and we have to do it as adults. Again, no child makes a conscious decision on how their attachment forms.

[@MsTreefox]

I feel this. Ugh. I've been married to an AMAZING man for 12 years and I STILL don't like the idea of getting "too used" to him doing things for me because it threatens my sense of self reliance and independence. It's twisted and I know it. I have to fight it a lot.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

That sounds hard, but it's great you're able to recognize that behavior. Recognition is the first step toward healing and we're all sending you encouragement! -Calista@TeamFairy

[@MsTreefox]

@@CrappyChildhoodFairy thank you 💛💛💛

[@AndrewDeSimone]

This is so my ex. She's an avoident and I'm more secure, she made me anxious not understanding what was going on. Really changed my personality. Wish I saw this months ago.

[@itsqueendebae]

For clarification fearful avoidant and disorganized are the same! Anxious, disorganized, and dismissive attachment styles are all insecure ways of attaching. If anyone is interested the personal development school on KZbin has some good videos on it

[@game_4_growth]

Thank you for this recommendation!!! 🙏💙

[@regular-joe]

Thanks for the recommendation🙂.

[@designchik]

I’ve never paid much attention to my attachment style, but watching this video made me realise that I was likely avoidant in my long-term relationship that ended a few years ago. I loved him deeply but had such a difficult time showing affection towards him, and it actually felt impossible much of the time. It made me feel vulnerable and weak, and denying him gave me control. But my inability to demonstrate my love was largely to blame for the relationship’s demise because his traumatic childhood made him desperate for love. Ultimately, he went elsewhere to obtain the love I couldn’t give. I hope that the letter writer doesn’t meet the same fate. Thank you, Anna, for your insight. ❤

[@boomboom1258]

"You're not just a bundle of faults. You're a bundle of ALL KINDS OF OTHER THINGS." This is something I need a reminder of because I too fall under the dismissive avoidant attachment style and I can relate to her struggles and have been working on myself over the years. It's not easy for me to be fully secure in my current relationship because I don't know how to healthily interact with my bf and also not get defensive, assumptive and closed off from intimacy.

[@tahitihawaiiblue]

Wow I think that “Lisa” is doing so well taking into account what she’s been through in her life. So much self awareness and the will to make her relationship with this fortunately good man work. She’s only 25 and on the good road to a better life. Wish you good luck. 👍🏻

[@JoeDurica]

Your channel is a Godsend! It is the proper instruction manual for the IKEA furniture of life! (IKEA always provided a vague set of instructions that you had to do some inferring.) Your videos take the guess work of how to the mind perceives and responds which gives massive clues on how to self heal. Bravo Mrs. Fairy!

[@blueaqua2122]

Fearful avoidant and disorganized are the same attachment style.

[@yewo.m]

8:22 “You could just drown in all this self-diagnosis, ‘I'm so screwed up... Oh when I think about it, there's just so much wrong with me. How could I go on?’ ” ... Pretty much going through that right now 🙌

[@vmm44]

Oh boy, is that me. Thank-you Anna for teaching me about the "Bid". I am so guilty in the past and still today, in not hearing people's "bids". Right over my head....I am learning so much from you. Thank-you, thank-you, for bringing so much to light that explains so many of our quirks. (Don't know what to call them...but certainly can relate as soon as you describe one...).

[@kwookiee0504]

This video made me cry so much, and couldn’t have been posted at a better time. I’m also struggling right now in my own relationship. But I know I’m doing the work I need to.

[@tracey-lu4kx]

❤️

[@mayohsetsuna]

I have to admit, if I didn’t have my journal as a kid, I don’t know how I would have survived. I always felt like my journal was more productive than an actual therapist... now I see why! I guess I was always on the right track. 😸

[@wmh1626]

Did I hear right that dismissing someone's feelings is an avoidant behavior?

[@brinta19]

What an Absolutely Inspiring Girl!!!!! To have gone thru Alllll that, and still have this loving caring 'wanting to do good and right' spirit is just hats off worthy. My hats off to her!!!

[@debbiebrown872]

I just love you! You’re so compassionate and caring and helpful in giving examples of how to do the daily practice! Thank you for being YOU 🧚 fairy Godmother 😮🤔🧡😂

[@cherforever04]

So glad to see this video. I’ve seen so many videos for how anxious attachment can be better but not how avoidants can do better. Thank you!

[@c.h.9566]

Thanks Fairy 🧚‍♀️ your timing is unbelievable ♥️🙏♥️

[@CD_RN_Independent_Voter]

Thank you for reiterating the benefit of writing down Fear and Resentments and Release them and for doing that twice a day. Also, thank you for clarifying that simply “venting” is different and can increase anxiety or depression.

[@frappalina]

I'm so touched by the message in this video

[@bethtaylor9773]

What has worked for me and so many of my friends who experienced abuse growing up has been learning about Jesus and going to Him with all my inner turmoil. He's the way to a secure attachment - to Him. And it takes time to develop that relationship with a living God Who died to save us from our sins and others'. But having that relationship with Jesus makes it unnecessary to let people relationships trigger us. It makes all the difference! Al-Anon and working steps was also the methodology that helped me. Anna's Daily Practice is a lot like that.

[@StacyMSchweigart]

Jesus Is the Way!!! I feel personally if i had this relationship when i was younger my life would be completely different.

[@kadd4415]

Yes, I have found the same. My faith in Jesus and being active in the Christian community has helped me so much. Watching Anna's program is very helpful.

[@joeljoy4144]

Love Anna's practical advice. She has done her homework and is super knowledgeable about this genre. Also, having decades of experience to draw on gives credence to her portfolio. But, without Christ as a center point, I think it's very difficult for permanent healing and consistent progress. Anna might disagree, but that's my humble opinion.

[@peterjarrett5817]

I get blase about much on the net. This is one of the rare instances of insight and solutions for the real world. I am in awe. Thank you.

[@wanderfulescape773]

My partner prioritized chatting with his online VR chat friends more than me. He'd come home from his full time job and spend hours holed up in his office, strapped into VR talking and talking. He said he was trying to "build a platform and get views and followers for money". Ignoring me. It got to the point where I had a meltdown after trying to communicate with him how much that bothered me. We never had sex anymore. I threw my engagement ring at him. And the next day he told me he needed to pack up and leave. He said he needed to spend a month at his parents. At this point I'm burnt out. . As an Anxious-Attached person who sacrificed and invested a lot of time, it hurts so so much. I WILL NEVER DATE AN AVOIDENT EVER AGAIN.

[@FAVAof4]

I happened upon you accidentally and really love the show and the letters. It would be nice to have someone like you listens and seems to really care. I did all the work in many different settings over the last 10 yrs being the oldest ACOA of 3. Unfortunately, if the others don’t see the forest for the trees, then it can get worse in a different way. I was warned it was possible to lose people in my life if I continued to get healthier. I have lost the most important and loved ones who made my life worth living . It’s so difficult because we were all close( adult kids, grandchildren, Sisters, friends , etc) and tho I wish it were different , I wouldn’t have made it if I continued on the Old Path, the only one I knew💕

[@joeljoy4144]

Anna Runkle talks much about childhood PTSD and lack of motivation and isolation. Wonder if she could do a segment on people like me who turned to untra-competiveness and perfectionism? As a kid and as an adult, I had to be the best in the classroom, in the gym, on the tennis court, ect. I had to have the hottest car or cleanest. It turned people off to me who just wanted to be social and have fun. Looking back, it was my way of trying to get love, attention, feeling worthy of respect, and things I didn't get as a child.

[@nwandoe3599]

write her a letter! I wrote her a letter and she made a video about it. I am fascinated by ultra perfectionism too. My sister is like you, but i am the complete opposite of my sister. Sometimes i wish I had more of that perfectionism in me

[@joeljoy4144]

@@nwandoe3599 maybe I will. Thanks for the suggestion

[@reck0n3r]

"[C]hildren who are constantly subjected to pedagogic compulsion, applied without overt punishment, are incapable of recognizing their anger at being manipulated through the use of rewards. They have a deep sense of dissatisfaction, whose source, however, remains hidden from them. The modern school of psychology responsible for this approach produces people who are under the sway of a rage which they are not conscious. The strong effort to achieve, which gives structure to their life, is an expression of this unrecognized rage. The drive motivating these people is a destructive one, but its effects are (or can be) camouflaged under the guise of achievement. There is no need for them to acknowledge their true motivation, for abstraction fragments their field of vision. Henry T. Nash (1980), a professor of political science, has described adults who are products of this kind of upbringing. Once a Department of Defense analyst, he characterizes his former colleagues as "people whose speech and behavior suggest their sociablity....Nothing in the air seems sinister or hints of guilt." Yet, using a camouflaged language whose abstract concepts fragment reality, these kindhearted people can "plan to incinerate vast numbers of unknown human beings without any sense of moral revulsion." We "see" ourselves in terms of concepts that do not correspond to our real nature. The urgent task of present-day psychotherapy must be to reduce this dissociation which is threatening us with annihilation. People try to hide within a group, where they can deny their rage and destructiveness. They have learned to assume a social image for themselves, but deep inside they long to take revenge for the suppression of their autonomy. Essentially, what they have learned―often completely unconsciously―is that coexistence is not possible, although this knowledge contradicts social norms. "There is no co-existence, one must either yield or win"; that is the basic experience when autonomy is destroyed. People who have been cripped as a result of their "adaptation" to this situation will use the socially sanctioned striving for success and achievement as their form of revenge. Nowadays, destructiveness on a monstrous scale does not have to manifest itself in the form of a Genghis Khan or an Adolf Hitler; it often appears as goodness, a smiling face, or progress." ― Arno Gruen, The Betrayal of the Self: The Fear of Autonomy in Men and Women (1984)

[@joeljoy4144]

@reck0n3r great analysis of the mindset of these types of individuals, including myself. It kind of frightens me to think of such rage, but it has manifested a few times in my life Once, at a convenience store, four cowardly red necks decided to insult me for no reason. It showed their insecurities. But I was in a rage-mood. Fight ensured. I nearly killed a man that day and was willing to take all four of them out if need be. I had enough. Wish I knew how to self-regulate back then. My father drilled in me his own internal struggles. His motto: "It's you against the world. You are not here to make friends in this life, BUT TO WIN AT ALL COSTS." He taught me well. Tangible rewards were what got me attention from my father. He was not into touchy-feelie emotionalism with anyone. He would have made a great gun-slinger outlaw in the Wild, Wild West.

[@shar1ngthemusic]

You look beautiful 😊🌺❤️ I love that someone asks foe help on being the avoident one. I'm sure we all could be that one in a moment where we need to be able to express ourselves. It might help to also write down ways of doing that. Like when you process situations were you felt blocked to do so. Writing down I should have gone to the bathroom, washed my hands, gotten back into it, in a different state.

[@kikki2012]

Good idea. Just swap should with could to make it more digestible for our inner rejected kid or perfectionist parts :)

[@ragnaice]

I relate a lot to this letter, I had the same worries when I was in a relationship, could have used this video a couple of years ago.

[@zephaniahnoahmusic]

You are amazing, Anna. You are helping so many people. Thank you.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Thank you for your kind words! I'm sure Anna will appreciate this :) -Calista@TeamFairy

[@aNnAkt1qw]

New subscriber, thank you for all that you do, helping so many 💗

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Thanks for subbing! -Cara@TeamFairy

[@kathyingram3061]

~I have a suggestion for a way to destroy the list of fears & resentment after asking for them to be released~Crumple it up & hold it under the water faucet, then squeeze the water out so its a tight, wet ball~Theres no way anyone can ever read it!~♡~

[@megallgurl]

I burned mine in the sink. I have a thing with fire. It feels purifying.

[@ghazikutbi3206]

This young lady you labeled Lisa has unveiled all her cards, and has given this guy benefit of the doubt; and I tell this guy either you take her all in all with her faults and virtues and arrange for a cooperative bond - you and her - and arrange for having children of your own; or else leave her alone. She will survive by the blessings of her lord and creator without you. Thank you Anna.

[@stevet6676]

Wow, just found your channel, so helpful. Perhaps for many of us, we had less than an ideal childhood. What always interested me is why some people can endure so much, and survive to become good people. Two books I've read this year illustrates that: "The Happiest Man on Earth" by Eddie Jake, and "The Boys in the Boat" by Daniel James Brown. My own childhood was not great, by any means, but I refused to allow that to determine the rest of my life. I am very fortunate in two regards. One, I tend to remember good things more than bad things. Two, my maternal grandfather was a great man who I always felt safe with. Fortunately, I lived close to him my entire childhood. I think it is hard to compare ones grief or hurt to another person. I doubt that can even be done. Thank you for your work.

[@PaigeSquared]

She is so strong 💓

[@joshschake1546]

Martial Arts and Self Defense training have helped me a lot. It is a great way to learn about yourself and workout frustrations and anger. Also builds confidence and self-esteem over time.

[@ssjn2831]

So whom you are beating the craaaaappp out of it with your martial art technique .

[@tracey-lu4kx]

I love you Anna. What a God send you are.

[@natalieparker3187]

It’s painful being married to an avoidant. You never feel believed or listened to. They do miss the bids, probably deliberately but maybe not. You’re going to be in your relationship alone if you’re with a hard core avoidant.

[@OliverJazzz]

Leave if you can, you'll be less lonely alone.

[@pragmaticpoet]

There is earned secure attachment as well

[@regular-joe]

Can you explain a little bit, please?

[@deadlynightshade3635]

I've never been in a relationship before. But I'm dating someone who's co-dependant, so he's super clingy. He calls every day and wants to talk for hours even if I just came from his house (it's mostly him talking since he tends to talk a lot). When I'm at his house (we live in different states), he has to be around me all the time to the point when he wakes me up when he's up regardless of whether I got enough sleep or not (barely got any sleep last time I was there). Also, I kinda feel like he tries too hard to get me into his hobbies that I don't care to get into(Star wars, anime, and transfomers for example) instead of leaning into the ones we share (gaming, music, fascination with history for example). He's into every geeky hobby you can imagine. And I'm not. Now I am the opposite. I don't feel attached. In fact I'm starting to feel slightly annoyed and bored. Almost to the point where I don't want to be bothered anymore. I'm coming close to leaving. I don't think we're right for each other. Especially since he's already talking about wanting me to move in with him (we've only been dating since October). Oh and I don't feel attached to many people. Not even most of my family.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Relationships are so hard when one person makes the other their whole world, sending lot of support! -Cara@TeamFairy

[@miriamceornea97]

I did that growing up, I wrote the things that frustrated me about my parents and what they did and how much I hated them (which was not entirely true obviously but it was a way for me to get that frustrating thoughts out of my system) and my mother found it and she confronted me with it, I had actually blacked it out, and I had left only the first sentence in a way that you could see it but that was already enough to make her go extremely mad, she set me down and told me that I will be stain there until I do not put everything on paper that I had just wrote before so I had to basically make up things that I did not enjoy and thoughts about my parents that where hateful just for them to be able to be even more upset and frustrated and jell at me at how ungrateful of a child I was, grate tip with the writing things down, to be honest tho, now that I'am a grown up especially as a teenager you will find a 1000 things you don't like about your parents even if they are the most loving people in the world, because we go throw a phase where we try to figure out who we are and the look at other people at our age and what they do acc and this like that spill out but they where never really meant, I even totally forgot about what I had written shortly after I did it but when she found it omg I had so much tremor and I felt really sick to my stomach

[@thecommonsensecapricorn]

I relate to everything this woman said she struggles with in her relationship, although I don’t feel that “I love him and he’s so wonderful”, I end up getting annoyed with the person and just leaving. I don’t know if it’s because I’m choosing people who aren’t right for me or if that’s how I cope with my avoidant attachment

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

These questions get cleared up as we progress in the journey :) -Cara@TeamFairy

[@kristinagradishar4824]

I can relate to this so much. Only my mother was the abuser and she died when I was 16. I was bullied terribly in middle school. I’m an FA. I have the same issues in my relationship. I wish that id had her insight at 25. I lost a 5 year relationship at 47 after not understanding why I could not connect and was pushing away my partner. It was the healthiest relationship by far, and I was so stifled and confused.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

We all learn with time. Good to hear you see the problem, it's the first step to healing. Good luck! Nika@TeamFairy

[@bee6467]

I kinda hope there’s gonna be a video about how anxiously attached folks can be better partners too because their attachment style is equally as hard for avoidants. And I think avoidants are portrayed as the villain so much and I see so many anxious attached folks not taking any responsibility for their own behaviours and just blaming avoidants. I’ve dated both and was hurt most by the anxious ones. I don’t think either is superior to the other, but sadly many people act like it.

[@KittyKandy]

This. I am and met ppl like this, who know they are and struggle, but less infos are available into how to deal with this. Anxiety is draining, for anyone, and really sad when stuck with it.

[@MSG66]

I find the distancing tactics used by avoidants the most hurtful, perhaps that is why they get the most vitriol. Also, in my experience, it seems that DA's are less likely to take responsibility for these actions. The defensiveness is so strong. I am secure, and have dated both but the DA did far more damage to me personally.

[@bee6467]

@@MSG66 I’m sorry for your personal experience. It goes to show that different people have different experiences though. And one attachment style is not superior to another, so I think the internet needs to stop making out that it is. It promotes superiority, victim mentality & lack of empathy in anxious folks. And it leads an entire category of people (avoidants) to feel even more isolated and hopeless than they probably already feel. Both styles have 💩 they need to work on

[@KittyKandy]

@@MSG66 I think I have to agree with you on that. I think that, after metting many avoidants, since I was already anxious from the stuff of my childhood, that I switched being the avoidant one when I was in front of an anxious. But by comparison, yes the avoidant behaviour from others was more cruel and hurful, because it then fucked up my mind and self worth, as well as doubting and testing anybody else... Now I am protecting myself to stay free of manipulative people and avoid avoidants, but I am left with that huge fear that anyone is manipulating and lying to me almost all the time...

[@MSG66]

@@bee6467 Disagree, but to each his own. I've never had a therapist advise me to avoid anxious attachers, but I've had a few tell me that it is pointless to become involved with an avoidant unless they are really committed to healing and therapy. Just my own experience.

[@kikitauer]

The journals never worked for me. I have severe ADHD, I get bored and later I forget to do it whatsoever. Or just avoid doing it and procrastinating. I have other methods to cope even though not as effective as a daily practice. BUT. I was wondering. If the writing uses different brain pathway then it might work to have a therapy that only uses the written word? I don't really mean sending letters even though why not actually. I mean a chat or short messages like WA. There even are therapists who offer this.

[@brinta19]

This is an interesting thing I see with all western people and I dont understand it and I think it is completely inaccurate and I also think that this is the reason that western society is not actually healing but getting worse (as in getting more robotic by the day as opposed to being more human). And here is what that is: wounds are somehow considered vices. Wounds are NOT vices. Wounds are wounds. I think the reason this happens is because victimhood has been shamed soooo much in western society that when someone has actually been victimized we seem to think that this is something wrong with them. There is Not. The wrong was done by the perpetrator not by the victim. The vice is in the body of the perpetrator not in the victim. I say all this because of your comment of "you ALSO have a lot of virtues", or "you are not just a bundle of faults", or "you would not be loved by someone now if you didn't also have a lot of good things about you". None of her woundedness seemed like a vice to me At All. Or faults. Why are they being compared and contrasted with virtues?? Wounds should be contrasted with Wholeness.

[@brinta19]

actually, getting more robotic by the day maynot be accurate. Has gotten so robotic, driven so excessively by the masculine principle, is more accurate.

[@kushakohi4259]

Do you do individual sessions?

[@HeatherQ333]

What about how to survive when you live with someone with CPTSD who routinely attacks you??? I also have CPTSD, and it’s making it much worse to be living with someone who has it or something like it and routinely attacks me and is mostly always extremely defensive. I am preparing to leave but what do I do in the meantime so I have the energy to do the things I need to do to leave?? PLEASE HELP

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Feel free to write Anna a letter! bit.ly/CCF_Letters -Cara@TeamFairy

[@debrajess]

Thank you for all your posts. I dont feel so alone, you mention all these other links to view an they don't come up on my android phone tp view? Not very technical, must be doing something wrong. And may I ask what address that I could send you a letter? Thank you again, Deb J.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Send letters here bit.ly/CCF_Letters -Cara@TeamFairy

[@kerryfaden94]

This is so great Took a break from online- tried to get back in to start with the daily practice Don’t remember password Says my e-mail address already taken Help! Thanks! Kerry

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Email [e-mail] to get your password reset :) -Cara@TeamFairy

[@yosoyroman875]

I’m sure everyone feels like you’re responding to them to them personally 😞

[@user-cu1lj2eg5e]

I write about the the things that hurt me but it seems like they are locked in me and they won't go away why this happened to me?

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

I suggest using the specific format laid out in this free course: bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice -Cara@TeamFairy

[@user-ej5jc5dk1e]

I wish i knew what is my attachment style .

[@kikki2012]

How do you attach to others? Begin with describing that. How do you relate to people close to you? Look up resources mentioned a little higher up in a comment.

[@Bellab414]

I think I’m avoidant but how do I know for sure? Where is the link for the writing excercise?

[@LaurenWithTheLaurelCrown]

The links are in the description box below the video. There is a link labelled Free Course The Daily Practice. Hope that helps!

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

This is the link for the free course bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice -Cara@TeamFairy

[@LessThanThree76]

I’m avoidant and I burn my candles in both ends, turning myself inside out and ignoring my needs, to please my partner since 15 years. I’m completely drained and don’t know how to have the strength to keep going.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Ah, that's called over-functioning. It's a trauma thing.

[@LessThanThree76]

@@CrappyChildhoodFairy Makes sense, since I suffer from c-ptsd (emotinal abuse and neglect), anxiety and depression. Haven’t known nothing but ”survival mode” my entire life (I’m 46F) I’ve come to the conclusion that I was set on this earth to serve my partner at any cost. That’s the only thing I know and at least it gets me a roof over my head and food on the table. But I’m getting tired.

[@prodigylaunch5161]

Notice how the DA starts their email by mentioning all the reasons they are DA in order to give themselves a reason to stop trying and to avoid accountability because, "my background is particularly bad, so i might not be able to change...". Why else would they share this? It doesnt matter. What matters is how you react to your past and grow.

[@cognitivedissident4615]

Conclusions to draw from this episode: beware of larpers. Freemasons have turned Larping into a fine art.

[@doriannemosich232]

Why don't we teach today's parents how to make secure attachment adult kids!!!!

[@MM-qg5xh]

And still she calls her father a narcissist when it's very clear he is a PSYCHOPATH! Narcissists Do NOT sexually abuse their children. They are bad but not THAT bad!

[@briannenurse4640]

No group of people is a monolith. Narcissism covers a wide range of behaviour patterns, including sexual violence. Not all narcissists do it, but certainly some do.

[@Coco_xoxo]

There’s no one size fits all. Also people can have multiple disorders.

[@JLydia55]

We ALL have narcissism to a degree, it’s on a spectrum… and he could have absolutely had NPD..and sociopathic/psychopathic tendencies….it’s called comorbidities… there are different types of NPD as well. And yes, they can be THAT “bad”…. Those that meet all criteria for an actual NPD diagnosis, lack empathy/sympathy in general… they might insist they love their children or other people, but they’ve certainly got a different definition of what love is; it’s usually an incredibly unhealthy definition of “love”…in which point doesn’t even qualify as love. They will love someone….based off of projection and transactions, “how good does their child make them look like they are?”….”did their child do a good job in the baseball game?”…. If the answer is no, they’re probably going to lash out on that child..since in their mind, it’s a reflection onto them… My very own father was as textbook, grandiose…narc as you could possibly get; no…he did not love us. I know this, cause I love deeply and so authentically, and I could never imagine doing even a single action..he did to me, my brothers and mother. It’s like making the argument of “I hit you because I care! U made me so mad! And I just love you and didn’t want to lose you!”….no, that isn’t love. Just as you don’t cheat..on people you so much as “care about”…the instant empathy is gone, it leaves the person capable of doing despicable things to others, because meeting their needs is far more important.

[@MM-qg5xh]

@@briannenurse4640 Those narcissists who do ARE psychopaths. A psychopath is always also a narcissist. In other words every psychopath is a narcissist, but not every narcissist is a psychopath.

[@MM-qg5xh]

@@Coco_xoxo For someone to be able to sexually abuse a child and not just any child but his own child, he has to have ZERO empathy and that is the definition of PSYCHOPATHY. And actually every psychopath is also a narcissist plus some more other horrible traits but that's not comorbidity it's how they all are not some but not others. Every psychopath is a narcissist or has narcissistic qualities but not every narcissist is a psychopath, in fact it's either one or the other, just even psychologists sometimes can't differentiate despite the vast difference between the two, psychopathy is a whole different animal.

[@PushPastParalysis]

I like an avoidant. Gonna try not to send this lol