Ep. 128 | 2 Bears, 1 Cave w/ Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer

[@phuchuynh3219]

Bert: I'm legit losing weight. Tom: Hey Bert, got you some treats. Hilarious 😂

[@gavinsmith6108]

He keeps him fat

[@neuvisean1739]

Some people (Tom) just want to watch the world burn.

[@Kav3h]

Nothing like giving Bert a giant donut without napkins

[@mandihollingsworth182]

🤣

[@andrewcampbell9mm]

Bert get more excited for treats then my Chihuahua does when I tell him we're going for a walk at the park

[@rumplebagz1488]

Bert: "I'm not much of a gambler" Bert doing ad reads for Draft Kings: "I love betting"

[@413XAj0n3z]

They’re shills with zero shame lol

[@deviljon]

He has talked about betting at golf before.

[@MisterBaits]

right? You think these guys buy a fuckin rolex and go home to sleep on their $900 saatva?😂😂😂😂

[@Jj-oo5eb]

@@413XAj0n3z as opposed to all the other ad-free podcasts?

[@jakeenger5321]

@@MisterBaits you sound jealous

[@djaceaddison6353]

The way Tommy talks him down from his anxiety was so cute to watch

[@ThatLeBelKid]

He's a good friend.

[@hkitty007]

It is awesome how much they care about each other for real.

[@GKTorn.]

@53:33 "I like to watch people be happy" I think he's being genuine about that, and that's specifically what I like about Bert. When you truly like to watch people be happy, it's lovely

[@shogunreturns]

Uh hundred percent. He gets so happy whenever he's planning out Tom's gifts and doing things for other people

[@systm1111]

Tom's response to the slap was the most accurate description of what happened and the best comment made about it anywhere on the internet.

[@vagabond1776]

Truth hurts. But if you can’t laugh at yourself then you’ve got a brittle spirit.

[@williamswiniuch7527]

Tom’s face when Bert said “I had a guy dehumanize me” was priceless

[@zachleprieur2871]

I'm dying at the fact Bert thinks being on a normal diet is an eating disorder lmao.

[@TheDeadStretch]

Oh I took it as him saying it makes sense why they "choose" an eating disorder over an actual diet.

[@HeyImBrim]

It’s impossible to properly communicate with someone that has such a severe learning disability.

[@mandihollingsworth182]

🤣

[@dakotalenzi7630]

@@TheDeadStretch You listen to too much Brent if that’s how you’re comprehending words….

[@Mechanic618]

The story telling about DJ Premier and then Joey Diaz during the first ~30 minutes is what I come to this show for. That's what this show should be about. Amazing content.

[@jimbo281202]

Absolutely agree

[@robinsharkey6658]

It's always great when there is less yammering from Burnt.

[@noahziegler3478]

Primo is the 🐐

[@zzlit8426]

You should produce the show!

[@jlo9165]

I love when Tom gives the camera the look when bert says something wild! Really makes me feel like I'm in the conversation lmao

[@MeticulousTechTV]

“But the Rock says you need a cheat day” Bert’s life is a cheat day.

[@jakeenger5321]

Tf is up with you haters? Be gone.

[@logvnm]

hearing bert eat might be the most disgusting sound i’ve ever heard

[@truedenofa6849]

Absolute facts 100%

[@bradleywest6821]

Glad I'm not the only one. It's like he chews into the mic on purpose

[@birdette79]

🤯 Kills me inside, especially with headphones in 😭

[@stormbreak13]

It's beyond obnoxious

[@LEINAD_C]

Omg dude I've almost stopped listening about 3 times a Half hour in

[@LegionOfShrooms]

Joey had such a great time doing it. He’s got his passion back! Thanks for that one Tom

[@bonkersmcstonkers6029]

Tom could poison Bert any time he felt like. Just ask if he wants a treat

[@Ottophil]

I have my own stem cells on ice for if needed. No finding a donor for me. I’m donating to myself in the future

[@ceedubyuh2459]

if Bart sees this comment, he will forever be paranoid about this

[@diggysoze2897]

Yeeeaaaah. … That’s true for all of us fat people. Et tu Bertus? Then fall Caesar.

[@akinea]

🤡🤡🤡

[@tdawg9796]

A treat INSIDE of his 64oz hydroflask of Kool-Aide.

[@joseloro]

Let’s talk about the hat shall we??! I NEED THIS!

[@moderndayjames]

Saw the show with DJ Premiere at Beacon, it was epic. Truly High and Tight

[@LoveBystroem]

Dude, you watch this? Love ya stuff

[@EVSTravels]

I was there too!! Awesome show!

[@anjerkson9985]

I was there as well. great show. The voting joke by Tate was awesome

[@jeremiahbachmann3901]

Saw DJ Premiere close out a rave that featured Bad Boy Bill and Richard Humpty Vision in Detroit a few years ago. The roof was literally chipping paint the music was so loud.

[@hypno5690]

The art guys are really into comedy. I know Blender Guru likes Theo von and Bobby Lee. Comes from always having on music or podcasts in the background I guess, that's how I got into them

[@jon33.3]

You know it's funny hearing Tom talk about uncle Joey quitting standup on this episode of the pod, because the night after Joey did the show he put out a podcast talking about how that feeling he got is unlike anything else and you could see Joey really really loves standup with his whole soul. He was just going through a transition, love that for him.

[@jeffbettencourt6263]

Diaz is my favorite human I’m not related to.

[@brando847]

Burt looked at that large donut like he was seeing the birth of his child

[@we_be_nerds3601]

Or a cute puppy

[@TrevorSchulz666]

I think he liked the donut more than the birth of his children if we are being honest

[@BillySotherden]

23:12

[@orionmcnebula]

Berts a grown man-child, and a wonderful person , whos in a midlife crisis and im glad Tom is seemingly a genuine friend who cares for his wellbeing

[@drivehard2395]

You can't be in a midlife crisis if you never grew up. He's a perpetual frat boy.

[@michaelmurta4843]

Bart stealing stem cells from a sick kid so he can day drink is almost as offensive as the way he smells.

[@beardedchair3]

Do you not know they are comedians? They tell jokes

[@kfred4586]

Legendary comment, too my fedora to you

[@jbiz4996]

@@beardedchair3 Wheres the joke in going to get stem cells?

[@beardedchair3]

@@jbiz4996 you missed the joke bud, it's ok.

[@michael3448]

@@jbiz4996 the joke is that they aren't stealing them from a sick kid. They aren't getting stem cells at all. 99% of the things they say on this podcast is purely for content. Relax.

[@MikeH7186]

Tom is an enabler. Brings that giant glazed donut into the office when there's two people on a diet on his staff. He knew what he was doing.

[@JoE-kx7dw]

😆

[@TACT1LE]

Nothing brings Tim greater joy

[@christopher152]

He's been doing this forever. With alcohol as well. Its a bit sad actually.

[@ryanwalker8843]

You picked up on that huh? Arent you a clever bunny to catch something so subtle.

[@dakotalenzi7630]

@@christopher152 No it isn’t, relax

[@devinbennett8158]

You can really tell in Bert's eyes that he is stressed. Take some time for yourself big guy. We need you to stick around for a long time.

[@rayholliday5134]

He needs to stop drinking, that's the problem

[@SaculNoshploda]

@@rayholliday5134 For real. All that anxiety and stress and feeling unhealthy goes away if you stop drinking. I would know. I drank like Bert. I could put down a 750ml bottle of Tito's and go to work the next day just fine. It took about two weeks after stopping to feel good, but getting to that feeling was amazing. The clarity and calm I got to was unreal to me because I hadn't felt it for 16 years. It's absolutely killing him and he doesn't even know.

[@rayholliday5134]

@@SaculNoshploda put it this way , its bad if u have fans/strangers telling you that you need to stop drinking, glad to hear you're doing great tho

[@utlonghorn86]

I agree with the first two sentences

[@clevermissfox]

Freaking out about his blood pressure and this nasal condition to get his way sounds like a child . Poor Bart. And poor t-bunz

[@xxtrippin_outxx]

Love how berts like " I feel like shit, losing weight sucks!" Then not even 5 fuckin minutes later with a mouth full of sweets " I've been working out, I feel fucking great."

[@jakeenger5321]

Be gone if you have to hate.

[@VirginiaWolf88]

Joey Diaz being back on tour is epic. I’m psyched for the show

[@joergie6008]

Hey now brother , good to see you , Uncle Joey is the man

[@c.j.mullins8994]

I just ABSOLUTELY LOVE listening to Brent chew, smack his lips, and lick his finger, thanks so much guys!

[@elijah2118]

Oddly enough, that is single handedly one of the BEST hats I have ever seen..

[@jimcanada822]

Thumbs up for “single-handedly”

[@genewilson2158]

Where can we get one?

[@jjjohemith221]

Lmao

[@howardm.burgers]

Bert earnestly stating how fascinating his own documentary is, multiple times, is just amazing.

[@jeremiahbridges1189]

He truly is Kanye adjacent

[@18Callahan]

“fascinating” he’s writing his own after death “in memoriam”. That’s narcissism

[@tanyadouglas5241]

Bert Literally contradicts himself in the Same Sentence! Good Lord

[@Mrsims916]

Welcome to the show.

[@donkeysmach]

I really go full santino mode when bartfart starts eating

[@hagggle3727]

Crazy how Brent has spewed his “I’m working out” “I feel really good” BS for so long he actually believes it

[@ExplosionChimp]

He's just been out of shape and drinking for so long he doesn't remember what feeling really good is actually like. His "feeling really good" is probably just not feeling like shit.

[@biggiesmalls7939]

He will say he's been healthy and feels great, then not even ten minutes later, he will say how unhealthy he is. His thought process is that of a second grader. He's an ADHD little boy in a fat man's body lmao

[@BadGoyz4Life]

That's the guy with perpetual diarrhea and sharts his non-underwear pants 5 times a week

[@morisslg]

Brent fucking up classic „You DON’T need 20 friends” Joey’s motivation speech is an essence of Bert Kreisler state of mind.

[@robertstewart5664]

Laughed so hard when he was talking about how he lost 5 pounds and Tom pulls out the donut and honey bun out

[@GK-qc5ry]

And Tommy's sadistic smile, fastening up his Turkey. 😂

[@terrygraff8696]

Burnt walking around in a mascot of himself could be the most Burnt thing ever.

[@epicassassin11]

The way Bert’s eyes glaze over when Tom gives him a treat is unmatched

[@curtisw831]

I see what you did there

[@SquidGains]

The winningest podcast duo of all time bro

[@zeethefuture8262]

Bert would have an anurism if he actually sits and listened for more than 8 seconds for once.

[@clevermissfox]

He was almost there in the first couple minutes when Tim was trying to get a word in/get him to listen

[@aaronkristofer18]

Bruce telling the story about tipping the dealer a Grand is unironically the most wholesome genuine thing I've ever heard Barney talk about and I kinda dig it

[@LukeT84]

I think we focus on how close to death Brent is and not how great Timmy is looking these days.

[@mrs.h2725]

In the last few episodes Bart has broken out into a full body sweat and had textbook heart attack / stroke symptoms within the first 5 minutes. Can we 5150 him for burger and booze addiction?

[@ENigma-um8zw]

Luke Pilkington speaks The truth, he beginning to get sepsis of the mind lol

[@kfred4586]

@@ENigma-um8zw dead @ Luke Plinkington. 😂

[@ENigma-um8zw]

@Hen of Mayhem so totally with that, Pilkington will be seen as a once in a lifetime thinker and humorist. Would love to have he and Steve and Ricky do a show these days, it’s a diff dynamic but it could be awesome

[@highandtight5544]

All those sick kids being deprived stem cells does wonders to a man!

[@bushwickbill3643]

This Premo story has officially made Tim my idol. I've wanted to do stand up my whole life and I love Hip Hop. This man's living my dream. It's official, I'm getting on stage and working my craft and I will one day be a great comedian like Tom.

[@daegiovanni5864]

I'm just now listening and I got chills hearing that. man I would love to be at that show... as someone who used to put in work on the MPC2000XL, I love hearing folks unpack their samples, and i always will...

[@bobvalentino3710]

Tom’s response to “the slap” only made me respect him that much more. He didn’t sugarcoat it, he was genuine and said exactly what he felt. FGTRTD 👖

[@rexbanner7256]

I just have to say, I'm so happy that you guys are still here. every day that I can, I paint, and listen to you guys talk about some of the stupidest and most ridiculous shit in the whole world, and I love you guys for that. Don't stop doing this PLEASE.

[@sentientcardboarddumpster7900]

It seems as if Bert just wants to just APPEAR as if he's working on his health, rather than actually work on it

[@18Callahan]

Alcoholics are master manipulators about everything because they can’t control their drinking.

[@CanMan125_]

It’s his way of easing his own anxiety.

[@ExplosionChimp]

I'm sure he actually is pretty active, he just counters it with bad eating and drinking so its just even.

[@sentientcardboarddumpster7900]

@@ExplosionChimp its clearly not even lol

[@richardcharles9349]

Addict mentality at it's finest. Doesn't want to put in the work.

[@danielsparano]

Bert's roulette story is great. "We won this together" I could just see it happening

[@jellojoe00]

Imagine wasting stem cells on Bart's body.

[@funnydonor9484]

Yep it’s like dropping an M80 into a forest fire and expecting to blow it out

[@jeffreymarshall172]

@@funnydonor9484 aaaaaaaaaahundred percent!!!!!!

[@KitchenerLeslie2]

I probably wouldn’t force a chick to get an abortion if I thought the stem cells were going to him.

[@tomtruyens9804]

should be illegal tbh, what a waste...

[@rainedelaze708]

Christ I just realized what’s on Brent’s hat…. 😂😂😂 I need this!!

[@yannikakapralli]

15min in and Tom talked for like 13min? What is this?? LOVE IT !

[@Clinton221087]

Bert's hat is awesome!

[@sarahclevenger3333]

Yes!!!! Need.

[@ethanneubauer2352]

I love how this episode starts with Bert’s anxiety at 100

[@mikephi24]

He's lost his damn mind!

[@gupta4ya]

Real fun to hear Bert chewing. Best part of the podcast

[@Enzo-oq3ij]

It brought me joy seeing Tom pull out RR donuts for his friend Brent.

[@JoE-kx7dw]

RR donuts?? Are they a Texas thing? ... sorry I'm Canadian, never heard of them.

[@stevesteezy2628]

I’m 42 minutes in and I just realized Bert’s hat isn’t some random minor league team 🤣

[@phuchuynh3219]

Bert's Hat is epic....I want it. I can't ignore it

[@brettpenning]

44:26 "Feels better than everthing" Needs to be the snip 🤣🤣

[@Aussiematee]

I really hope Bert starts taking care of himself…he’s got a wife and two kids at home ffs.

[@alexgrant246]

they're just waiting on that life insurance policy payout lmao

[@nickkerr5714]

@@alexgrant246 hahaha I was gonna say the same thing

[@tanyadouglas5241]

It's Really Sad b/c he's Constantly talking about How F*cked up he is then He plans a Festival when his tour is Done 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️ I guess LeAnn will give a Shit when he has a heartache on the Road & the money quits coming in

[@josef2012]

They'll be alright.

[@CCitis]

I mean, I laugh about his antics... but as someone who is sober I also know the way he lives is not going to help him live long. He's an idiot, and cares more about his career and image than his fam.

[@kylenutter5447]

Tom's fucking face when bert says " I had a guy dehumanize me before." Lmao 🤣

[@tylerbelanger98]

I love how they're talking about gambling and how bert isn't into it like at all and then they cut to draft kings ad where bert says he loves betting 🤣

[@tygehuey8209]

For real 😂😂😂

[@usukbutthol3126]

Yes

[@txtacos817-3]

The seriousness of Bart saying “name the name” gave me chills

[@CurtisJBergerJr]

Bert not wanting stem cells is the funniest thing. Most people would kill for them.

[@18Callahan]

Bert doesn’t want another doctor to tell him how unhealthy his lifestyle is.

[@sportsfront5480]

I love the BTS on the comedy shows. Love the Diaz stories.

[@Deltaaaaaaaaa]

Tom looks like a disappointed yet amused uncle when Bert proclaims himself Kanye adjacent.

[@davidknudson9033]

Bert please take care of yourself better. Your a gift to this world man.

[@cadam4272]

Using stem cells on Bert is like putting a supercharger in a jalopy.

[@KFCRadio]

Thanks for the shoutout bears!

[@ItsJoKeZ]

ah, my filler before badfriends 🖤🙌🏾 bert's drunken rambles

[@daviddobarganes9115]

Shots fired

[@daylightprecious]

glad I know I'm not the only one

[@CJJC42]

Usually I save this one for after bad friends cause it’s better but it’s really close between the two

[@Seakaye2s]

This is me lol, and hoping for a new Rogan. Did you watch Protect our parks 3? 😂

[@SHACOBES123]

I watch this while I take my morning shit

[@Patd3163]

it took me 17 minutes to realize Bert's tribute hat to Tom's legendary dunk! that is fucking epic!

[@the1jmacify]

Holy Sh!t, THAT'S what it is! Great call. Tell me it's for sale SOMEWHERE?

[@davidbatres1257]

Hearing that Joey is retiring actually mad me sad. I’ve always wanted to see him in person

[@ext93]

I'm lucky I got to see him 2 times now that he's done. Once at a smaller club and once in a theater with Dean Delray. He was way better fit for the small club. There was points where I couldn't breathe from laughing

[@jesusterrazas1200]

The guy in the background is always having a good time with these conversations

[@jbone3]

The hat is one of the greatest things I’ve seen in awhile.

[@ajfiveohfour]

Bert with the quick save: “what’s the thought process of hir-bringing in new people” lmao

[@davidbutler3642]

Bert is a real life homer simpson. Tom has been manipulating him into drinking and binge eating for the last 4 episodes and he is completely oblivious lmaoo

[@s3m4jno5w4d]

Brent's hat is pure FIRE!

[@DGLake1]

Y’all are so good!!! 8 on the dot, every time!

[@williamgargis3486]

upload a video one time

[@Frecklefart-90]

*2:00 pm

[@spikes3231]

It's put on a automatic upload time lol

[@VIi726]

@@spikes3231 no nadav burns a disc with the episode on it and has to bike to KZbin headquarters to drop off each episode

[@spikes3231]

@@VIi726 lol

[@baileycaful]

2:36 "First of all, I love you." Freakin love their relationship ❤

[@joshuajohnson5193]

Bert’s the typa guy to get mad at Leeann over a dream he had 😂

[@banjo1466]

I was at the show in Newark! It was amazing! I was tier 4, second row to the back, so my ears got blasted before I could even recognize Joey down there. Ive never been so enthused about a threat.

[@hydratheskygod6344]

Hearing the stem cell freak out Bert had reminds me trying to convince my dad that it’s safe to use his card online lol

[@Groovy-GG]

11:43 seconds in, and I finally realize Bart's hat. I can't stop laughing thank you I needed that

[@zchdz]

Bernt at the beginning of the show: “I never go to violence…” End of show: “I’d murder John Mayer if he slept with my wife”

[@nickroy5744]

Love the hat brent lol

[@sarahclevenger3333]

Fire

[@ryant390]

I like how Bert says he’s fasting yet he has a Starbucks coffee

[@johnadams-rx6gf]

He meant fatting

[@annemanne23hiei2]

He’s just food fasting

[@nelliegee418]

A soon as I saw the cream: You're not really fasting, bert! Do it right!

[@jessicavandeputte7377]

It’s the sincerity and eye contact when they tell each other they love one another at the end for me.

[@jjthesavage]

Glad they're still doing this, miss Bill Bert.

[@jenniferdennis6465]

Yeah where did that go?

[@CJJC42]

Bert wrecked bill Bert. So much better that burr set up with verzi

[@kylebeam4003]

That was the worst podcast of all time.

[@hunterlawson227]

It would’ve been good if they hadn’t zoomed it in

[@jjthesavage]

@@jenniferdennis6465 I think Bill got busy.

[@Josh-ie4hb]

Bert getting a mascot made of him is the Bert-est thing I have ever heard. I love it.

[@jmydn2]

Bret's hat made me laugh harder than anything they said in this episode

[@dfhdf4214]

what is it from?

[@dfhdf4214]

@josh o tom who?

[@dfhdf4214]

@josh o now i get it

[@ScottWaa]

Ron the bus driver is hilarious!

[@Chillllllbruh]

Can't wait for Tom's solo apology episode after Brent Benoit's his family.

[@Eddie_fn_g]

Jeeeesus. Hahaha

[@sethmichael1735]

God damn man. 😂

[@bterwin9887]

This is probably over a lot of these kids heads lol. But I love the reference

[@TACT1LE]

Burnt "The Rabid Wolverine" Chrysler

[@Chillllllbruh]

@@TACT1LE 😁

[@amandar4689]

I simply love hearing you guys nerd out over comedy

[@fisnoun8639]

haven't watched the podcast in a while, Bert looking huge

[@GK-qc5ry]

Special thanks to Tommy Buns for getting Joey back into stand-up and then Bert getting him to tour. 👏👍

[@Brassgnat]

I don't even wear hats, but if I had Bert's hat, I would wear it every day lol a great hat, please make it for the store lol

[@1JayBennett]

Yeah I'mma need that hat.

[@beckerickson8034]

I couldn't stop looking at it.

[@the1jmacify]

@YMH What/Where is that hat? Not even Google Lens knows. Help Us out?

[@michaelg-l8786]

I decided to watch the show because i know both of you guys and this episode was unbelievable lol I am a subscriber now with the alerts on babyyyyy! 🔥🔥🔥

[@zz3n428]

Its Ironic Bert is worried about Stem Cells but keeps drinking..... he most have the worst fans in the world if they want him to keep drinking himself into unhealthiness . It's like watching Killing Eve But Eve is Bert. Also, the back emblem of the 2 Bears 1 Cave logo is dope asf

[@BorisBidjanSaberi11]

Enablers

[@The1992257]

It’s not his fans, it’s him. He’s justifying his habit. Bart is neurotic as hell, if you haven’t noticed

[@julioenrique8552]

FISH GONNA SWIM QUIT WHINING

[@The1992257]

@@julioenrique8552 have you ever seen a tree fall, two times, in the woods? That’s right, forget about it

[@wookwares]

@@The1992257 exactly

[@laurac2385]

I was so happy to see Tommy's response to the slap. Made me an even BIGGER fan!

[@magdabrownis265]

Bert is like my Aunt. She’s lost weight every time I’ve ever seen her and looks exactly the same as she always has

[@hunterlawson227]

This deserved more

[@fernandocastro7220]

Bart's hat is straight fire 🔥🔥🔥

[@ABN_TNKR]

Yay brent eating on the mic talking with his mouth full. The best.

[@tangybuttfrogfpv8772]

Bert, paddy the baddy and Tim Dillon, 3 people who should never eat on mic

[@ABN_TNKR]

haha paddy’s interviews are ridiculous

[@ABN_TNKR]

but brent makes me wanna puke lmao poor guy is oblivious

[@Supernova12034]

100% bert spittin facts. At one point I was in REALLY good shape, had six pack abs and everything, but my diet was so rough I was pretty miserable. Another time I did boxing and I trained CONSTANTLY, was in great shape, but my knees always hurt, and was always miserable as well.

[@richardbalistreri7631]

Hearing the story of Uncle Joey coming back gave me chills

[@ext93]

Especially because it was unexpected for the crowd. "I'm BACK you cocksuckas!"

[@17mrmyers]

Burt sloppin his chops with the donut was a treat

[@Dannyhammer48]

"damn, Brent always has a mouthful of spit when he talks. Nothing could sound more gross. Tom slides over some donuts to prove me wrong. Hahaha

[@richardcharles9349]

Ari Shaffir talking is a much grosser sound. Always sounds like he's talking with a marble filled sock in his mouth

[@alazymonkey5716]

Bert's hat in this episode is absolutely legendary.