Ep. 145 | 2 Bears, 1 Cave w/ Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer

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Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer share stories about pregnancy scares, discuss the overturning of Roe v. Wade, find out about the history of orphanages, and revisit the PLASTT subreddit. Bert raves about the Oculus, which he just tried thanks to Brian Simpson, and a conversation about exes prompts the Bears to question which one of them is easier to fall in love with. They wrap up by discussing tequila, which Bert has officially switched to from vodka. They taste and review Cazadores and pitch their own tequila brand: Dos Osos.
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[@MrGill307]

The way that Bert said, "You surround yourself with such broken people..." might be the funniest thing he has ever said.

[@Battlefox64_RL]

13:38 One of Burt's neurons just went off the rails.

[@jordanliles]

For anyone looking for this moment, 41:35. You're welcome.

[@jamesnunn1868]

Best thing is Bert falls into that category, 100%.

[@fabzzpagano8635]

Like he didn't realise what he had said....

[@javieraceves2252]

No one calls Tina a “saint” for being with Tom. But everyone knows LeeAnn is doing Gods work for being with Brent. I chose Tom all day.

[@sentientcardboarddumpster7900]

Not really

[@mattgonzalez4457]

Who is Brent? 🤷‍♂️ (does Bert know? 😳)

[@squigtonianmayhem4602]

If it were not for that angel, Bert would die alone. Is he serious?

[@timothyclingan982]

I’m alllpqq

[@timothyclingan982]

PPApppw I love

[@Slinkychips]

The guy laughing in the background needs a bonus makes my day everytime haha

[@anameofauser6866]

That guy never stops laughing it's great lmao

[@tberwick1]

Nadav?

[@davidcabrita9753]

That's Nadav. He's the best! :)

[@tberwick1]

@@davidcabrita9753 Native? Heard he's pro at google search

[@terryhughes6248]

RIP Nadav

[@chrissydelgado9120]

Tom, it's always been Tom. It'll always be Tom. ❤️

[@eram9007]

⅝5wc

[@sizedtoaster0278]

"You surround yourself with such Broken People." LMFAO, Bert your sitting there too.

[@itsmedawgez420]

Hilarious

[@jesuse.ramirez5881]

I wish someone would’ve told him he’s included too! ROFL

[@nicholaslangol8903]

You’re

[@olmatenightfox]

Nadav was laughing for that reason lol

[@OhGodWhatIsThisAah]

@@olmatenightfox Nadav laughed so hard I think he almost died. Beert is fucking beautifully deluded.

[@mathemakitten6611]

33:55 Hey that’s me! So honored that you liked my smile 😄

[@joshmuzzi2574]

Literally the best!! How could they not talk about that smile?! ❤️❤️

[@kjcorder]

I hoped you would get recognized and notified. I knew there was crossover of mommies and fxxt and PLASTT

[@Entheogeneticz]

🎆🥳🤯😎

[@stephenortiz1307]

Sexiest woman on all of Reddit! She needs to be on the podcast

[@StattoSiEntertainment]

The best smile there is !

[@dominick366]

Bert literally says almost anything that comes into his mind that feels like an OK idea 😂😂

[@fabzzpagano8635]

not "almost" anything, literally anything. it goes from his soul to his mouth to our ears....LOLOL

[@jennifermommy9373]

Bert sounding so excited that there are 4 different orphanages in his area, like theybare a zoo he can visit. Lol.

[@bjslater4199]

Tom Segura, easy choice. He's thoughtful and seems like he would be easy to be around.

[@victorias5386]

He’d be a much better bang for sure

[@deftonesleep1]

Wack. Tom wouldn’t enjoy bottomless mimosas but burnt and I definitely would. #TeamBurntChrystler

[@n8archy121]

At least he’d follow proto bud

[@socancerous]

Automatic, still is

[@jasonwinterton9369]

Hot sauce is the best

[@JoeNasr123]

Bert is fun for a weekend, and then he’s just too much. Tom is a life mate.

[@Revolution1117]

Yup, I'd pick Bret on a lark, but after 5mins with him, I'd be begging for Tim.

[@Lord__Soul]

Tom is a life mate only because your life won’t be long since he’ll kill you in your sleep

[@Lordandmaster26]

lol until ur on the news in a body bag. If Christina ends up with another broken leg, I called it.

[@josephjames2011]

1st part is how i see women. bow.

[@tuttutteddy8889]

for real. bert would be fun to drink, listen to music etc and have competitions who can shoot ropes further. then you’d be done. tom seems like a genuinely fun guy to hang out with who you could just chill with.

[@dcamaraman939]

I love how upset Tom got by Bart not saying please to his employe. He's a good boss.

[@mnicp95]

Based on smells alone it’s Tom every time. I feel like I can smell Brent through the screen

[@nate_too_dope9831]

Yooo frrr I imagine bert having a pungent odor of cooking oil,sweat,cheetos,koolaid, and B.O all masked with axe or even BOD😂💀

[@tomzcooneyz]

If Bert had a perfect head of hair, lost 50lbs, and stopped drinking.... I'd still choose Tom

[@justinrumccray9448]

got me lolol

[@juliameesters699]

😂😂😂🏆

[@nadshuge]

@@juliameesters699 Good mornin Julia

[@lilworthless2859]

Yoo

[@TheSydrek]

As a straight man... Tom, because he takes real showers, i could have a conversation with him without being interrupted and i feel we could have a fun rope shooting competition which i'd lose.

[@thecapricorn11]

straight man 👌 its ok to admit being attracted to a man its not a big deal

[@Robertgio]

Tom listens..Tom engages, Tom gets off on pissing/heckling people. Tommy gets the win. Bert love your confidence my man but stick to your family and the oculus!

[@mastah2494]

To be honest. I wouldnt even want to be near burt.

[@thecapricorn11]

@@mastah2494 he probably smells like sour sweaty balls and boozy breath

[@frecklefart909]

You do have to make the decision though, of either waking up in the morning to a bear wielding a knife over you, or a bear holding cocktails, who stinks like shit and f**ks dogs 😂😂

[@TaylorJames188]

THIS HAS BEEN THE BEST EPISODE OF ANY PODCAST I HAVE EVER SEEN….HILARIOUS

[@notyouraverage3303]

The producers in the back laughing makes things so much more funnier

[@potatoburgler1]

Bert is the “woooo” girl at the bar. Tom is the stable one, who doesn’t feel like he he needs to constantly need to party.

[@potatoburgler1]

@Netya peca you know I’m coming up in May.

[@torontotonto6189]

Tom is the manipulative psycho calculating his moves, Bert likes to have fun, id choose Bert from the weed alone and i dont wanna share a home with control freak

[@nicholaswhite3434]

Great comment 😂 Bert is 100% a Woo Girl

[@RandysGutt]

“like he he needs to constantly need to party” dude get off crack for fucks sake

[@CrashRacknShoot]

@@torontotonto6189 control freak? The same guy who all he can do is complain about nasty ass flossers strewn about by his wife, which is a legitimate gripe? There's boundaries and then there's control. He ain't the latter.

[@makkek69]

I think Bert is confusing “friendliness” with the ability to fall in love. When a quiet man like Tom opens up, my heart would melt.

[@mccarraa]

Great point. you are right

[@jasonwinterton9369]

Hot sauce is the best

[@boogermcphee2847]

I think Bert is confused by a lot of things.

[@raykoba9220]

wow. This points out a glaring flaw in my love life.

[@dustinsanchez7820]

You sound like a chomo burt is racist love you mommy

[@gabrielpellino5210]

Tom. Bert’s main redeeming quality to his family is the wealth he makes when they receive the relief of being away from him while he’s on tour.

[@brandonallen2228]

"You have a misfit fuckin cast" fuckin killed me😂😂😂

[@raysoto9810]

I’ll bring Tom home to my parents, but I will be sneaking out to go see Bert. 😂

[@patrickchase3307]

On a hygiene basis alone, T Bunz captures my heart every time.

[@millardfilmore1403]

I mean just because Bert smells god awful doesn’t mean Tom smells GOOD … no?

[@elonbust2421]

And you can always pull them to the side and say hey big boy you need to shower

[@patrickchase3307]

@@millardfilmore1403 10/10 tommy smells like a dream. You don’t think homie is hitting that shower after the gym everyday and rocking some bouji cologne? Gtfo here.

[@millardfilmore1403]

@@patrickchase3307 i mean even with that there's only so good a fat fk can smell + he's like 40 ... that body has had time to ferment

[@directionlessatm]

I’d go for Bert. I think our personalities would mesh well, it would be chaotic but in a good way

[@cameronclark2941]

Tom making Bert say please killed me 😂 he really is treating him more & more like his kids every episode 😂

[@jtorres5381]

Bert-"You ever had an abortion?" Tom-"No, I don't have a uterus!" 🤣

[@ruebensmith8931]

Such quick wit by Tom 🤣

[@Prod_D]

Lol lol

[@RyanCowley_]

Tom. EASILY Tom, I couldn’t deal with Brett’s conversations. “Babe Ruth was an orphan, have you tried the Oculus”

[@jasonwinterton9369]

Hot sauce is the best

[@matthewgodfrey4533]

Cocaine is one hell of a drug.

[@b0bbyz]

Oh, that’s a real quote lol I thought it was an exaggeration.

[@willywillywillywillywilly]

Haha, it’s Brad. Hu

[@mrtheman260]

I haven't watched an ep in a while, this part reminded me why

[@GatherRocks]

Adding to some foster care awareness! The team is always getting better! Thank you!

[@darkstar0554]

“I’m talking to you, Brent” 🤣🤣

[@toomuchsalt13]

That Babe Ruth to Oculus transition was next level

[@brandondixon5903]

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

[@kennybuttons1763]

Like a dog hearing someone say "go for a ride" 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

[@mrgreen3002]

'Transition'

[@DuhFury]

I love how Tom knowingly lets Bert dig his own grave to the point where he knows he should step in, then Tom doesn't. Its amazing!

[@Bittamin]

Hear me out, but I think it’s all part of the comedy. It works well, so we’ll most people think it’s not getting extra sauce on top. If they didn’t act things out more, it would be boring either way. This is a good flow and funny concept to roll with, so they cater to it.

[@nathanaelmorales760]

@@Bittamin obviously 😂 it’s a comedy podcast if they weren’t doing it for comedy we wouldn’t be here 😂

[@melanielazare9]

I wouldn't

[@Bittamin]

@@nathanaelmorales760 that’s why I’m here

[@k-red8974]

Bert you bathe in the swimming pool lol it’s Tom all day everyday

[@starfish7529]

Bert absolutely. Loves his wife and kids so much. Love his laugh. Tom...eyes of a serial killer

[@nopassenger2151]

Burt did great in this episode at 13:38 He has a thought pop in his mind that he does not interrupt anyone with and wait until Tom is done speaking to let his mind ramble.

[@matthew121891]

He’s growing 🥹🥹🥹🥹

[@MultiTravellingman]

@@matthew121891 only took 50 years 🤣.

[@guygambone5754]

Noticed

[@lostmypicks]

Yeah but he misses cheating and use to do it and has zero remorse.. I actually think Bert has cheated on his wife. Also he talks about how hot everyone is. Really lost some points with me.

[@MichaelWutsch]

@@lostmypicks he contradicts himself. He says he only did it because he was too cowardly to break up but also says it felt great." Dude is a scumbag

[@FiendOSRS]

Tom Segura, while both would drive me to an early grave, at least Tom would know how to properly dispose of my body.

[@LeaveAhNah]

right answer

[@joecool1618]

I died laughing 😂

[@SamGreen]

Bert... I love a drink too much.

[@connorgerrish3421]

Bert is a “this chick is wild” on spring break type of love and Tom is the “shit is my credit good, am I actually ready for kids?” Type of love 😂

[@michelleprather2803]

Bbbuuaahhh yes!

[@shawnk8710]

100%

[@katrinas1018]

I love how Tom navigates Bert. Skillful and hilarious.

[@pnorwes]

navigates bert lol

[@highferaltruth]

@@pnorwes beavis and butthead moment

[@pnorwes]

Its actually funny 🤷🏻‍♂️

[@grinder5000314483]

They set that up to help the flow

[@ListeningAnt]

I had a bad day and you guys cheered me up and calmed me down once again. Thank you for the fantastic content. Rock on.

[@hotlettucedrums]

“HOLY SHIT an ELEPHANT, and now a word from better help.” Best transition ever.

[@kurly69]

Bert is definitely a one night stand, Toms a lifetime of love.

[@mattjohnson267]

For the short life it would be!!

[@doctorzogg]

Tom is the kind of person you can fall in love with due to his big heart and soft features. Bert is the kind of person you love for the first 10 minutes then want to be rid of him.

[@RolandSpecialSauce]

@Netya peca ^^ that's Bert

[@Junitunes]

Tom segura all the way. I always fall for sociopaths And 100 percent Leanne, I love that southern grit in her

[@djspazms13]

The move from "Babe Ruth was an orphan" to "Have you tried the Oculus?" is one of the better Bert leaps of thought

[@benwertman4801]

Bert actually had one of the best ideas I've ever heard to put a 360 cam in a podcast for VR Viewers.

[@grapeape8177]

fr i’m surprised joe hasn’t tried it yet or just anyone in general, that would be nice to just chill and feel like you’re there and smoke a joint n have a drink with em

[@Cyxz666]

I would fall in love with Bert if literally everything about his personality and demeanor was different

[@CankleCankle]

I would love you if you weren’t you

[@robdubent]

@@CankleCankle derp derp 🤡

[@spartymatt9627]

Bart will still count that as a vote for him.

[@Revolution1117]

Yeah, kind of like a guy like Tim.

[@mrgreen3002]

For most people it would be the smell

[@maxi8331]

Bert: too much you can fix me energy Tom: love like a long term well Arranged Marige

[@zacharyconrad2469]

Bert had it backwards. He is the better one night stand and Tom is the one you would fall in love with.

[@RAINRDY]

Who could resist those deep, blue, cold, lifeless, and emotionless serial killer eyes. Tom Segura all the way.

[@b4ckwoodbilly]

Tom. All the way. Bert is a party girl, Tom is a little small town girl from Indiana with a big heart, and a great credit score.

[@javiayer9545]

“It’s not the blanco, fucking go get it!” Yeah, that’s what I’m falling in love with😂 Tom all the way

[@jefflabbecomedy]

Brent: "I wonder what the height of orphanages was?" Me: "about 3 foot 2"

[@irizarry0203]

7 dates with Bert and I would have to check myself into rehab. Tom has my love.

[@robertrodriguez7437]

the fact that bert thinks it’s even a close call between him and tom is hilarious. tom.

[@Commandercolt44]

“You surround yourself with such broken people” really got me bad lmao

[@andyleung8313]

Bert really be talking WILDDD

[@BulkBrogan.]

"I love her way more than someone deserves to be loved" "I'm not spending that money on HER" "Leanne is hard to like let alone fall in love with" "I miss cheating so much" 🤣😭 All in one pod lmao

[@iwanttoliveinthewoods]

🤣

[@chevydad83]

This was Bert 100%

[@mastah2494]

He sounds like my alcoholic uncle

[@samuelalasu2330]

I wish Leanne would just let me get people pregnant

[@MrMontyBates]

@@samuelalasu2330 lmfao right ✅️ 🤣 too many lol

[@jnrivera3710]

100% TOM!!! Dude is dark and speaks my language. Love his comedy and how he views the world. Bert is like a one night stand, fun for a night but obnoxious when they try to linger. Here’s your Uber Bert.

[@chevystraightpipe1762]

Tom Segura easily. The man got a race car

[@Blindluckbro]

Easily falling in love with Tom w/ that spanish lmao

[@bensantos4742]

Tom. his calm, rational personality. Also genuine when he shows admiration.

[@adrianfrongillo6895]

One would fall in love with bert, and 5 years down the road regret everything. Tom is the man it takes 5 years to full appreciate and love

[@kjcorder]

I couldn't make it 5 years

[@beaubartlett494]

I love Tom’s Dos Osos pitch especially the part about Clooney.

[@TronkTV]

I’m a pool service technician and when Tom called Clooney and the Rock Nazis I fucking fell into the pool while laughing 😂 😂😂😂

[@Midz13]

Tom every time. I appreciate stability and sanity.

[@gregoryhines7]

Tom for sure. The way Bert described Tom as the fun friend, one night stand, is quite literally Bert's personality.

[@jasonwinterton9369]

Hot sauce is the best

[@normaljohn6035]

“Working out, automatic. Blacking out, automatic. All girls catholic school, automatic”💀😂

[@harshman121092]

Bert really embracing The Dark Tower with the “2 Bears 1 Ka.”

[@Jojahn]

"I wish I had a glass of tequila right now, I'm not even joking" yeah we believe you Bert

[@robertfrost8264]

My favorite thing was Bert on Steve-Os podcast.. explaining to two long-time sober people that the healthiest thing he's done for himself recently was switch to tequila rather than vodka.. they weren't even talking about Bert's alcoholism, he just has it ingrained in his head to justify it at every turn hahahah

[@dustinharvey5393]

Bert trying to pronounce "orphanage" is fantastic

[@YetiVlogs]

I love the ad read ordering... LOL. Bud Light leads into Athletic Greens. Balance is restored. hahaha

[@Blaketbailey]

We need Bert's Baseball Orphenagage

[@earnestlivingandwellness]

Tom smelling the ice cubes made me laugh harder than it should have

[@stonedcaterpillar3342]

Tom lol I'd be with Tom 100 percent over Bert

[@josef2012]

Is it even a question?? 😆

[@jasonwinterton9369]

Hot sauce is the best

[@matthewwilkins4420]

Toms a dude that’ll wine and dine you. Bert’s more of a Applebees kind of person and would make you split the check at the end. Toms also got the humor and knows when and when not to use it while Bert’s more of a freight train.

[@TheCentralgreg]

Nah Bert is generous. I can see him saying let’s order everything on the menu and have as many margaritas till the first person pukes. Bert picks up the check every time. Guaranteed. Unless he’s with Rogan.

[@brendandoherty1283]

Tom and the guy in the background just laughing at Bert while he tries to figure out how to say orphanage on his own 😂

[@MarioGonzalez-yq3gw]

Tom Segura for sure. We both love cars and he's hilarious.

[@ryantaggart4332]

I would easily fall in love with Tom before Bert. He’s such a sweet and caring guy and he speaks Spanish.

[@drewwhipple9135]

It's Tom. I can't trust anyone who picks Bert and has listened to more than 5 of these episodes 🤣🤣

[@Darbae7]

Bert would be a fun guy to bring to the group hangouts. Tom would be the calm that I need so I don’t have breakdowns everyday. Tom

[@Robertgio]

“AYO DEWEY! “ 🤣🤣🤣🤣

[@michelleprather2803]

Tom by far. I see how he talks to his wife, and how he is respectful towards her. Tom all the way!

[@shaunhedden47]

I'm so glad I'm sober and watching Bert reminds me of that every week

[@nickturnau4954]

I've had the exact same thought so many times.

[@omaribrown7591]

Exactly!!! Mondays are my easiest 24 hours

[@FishNChipsNGuacamole]

Dude the Spanish talk was so awesome DOS OSOS!! Tom speaks so well I love it 👌🏼

[@ericstorms3020]

Tom, anyone who chooses Bert is probably an alcoholic.

[@jasonhicks3015]

GUILTY

[@tlacahetl]

I'm an alcoholic

[@alexmac2724]

eff you bro lol. Nah, Tom would be great, but I think they are both great in their own ways.

[@youngdefiant1459]

I am

[@deftonesleep1]

What’s your point!??!! #teamBurntChrystler !!

[@kylewright7556]

Tom, I can relate more to him. I love the moments when Tom just looks into the camera like Jim from the office

[@KrisVickery]

Tom is DADDY GOALS...

[@yumithelight4375]

Tom is the one I’d fall for %10000

[@bugz19]

💯💯💯💯💯 Tom! Bert doesn't realize how lucky he is to have someone like LeeAnn 😂😅

[@Larenth]

Easily Tom, stable, kind, and hilarious. I would need a liver transplant every year if I choose Bert. Bert would also get very tiring after a day of his constant need for attention.

[@chankley4177]

Brent Krishner seems to not understand the difference between love and pity. I’m here for it. Late; yet here for it. Tommy is the blueprint for love.

[@TheJohnmeo]

"You surround yourself with broken people". I'm dying.

[@sassaymama]

Tom!! Btw Tom I walked past you on your way to the elevator in a swanky hotel in Vero Beach on Christmas, 2 drinks in your hand.. I was so in love I couldn't even speak! 😂😂😂 Turned around, elevator closed 💔

[@brunotonyoli9408]

Yikes

[@feezible]

Oooh....TIm is getting too big. Jesus.

[@jasonwinterton9369]

Hot sauce is the best

[@thewhitedread7572]

Tom Segura, his voice never makes me want to set fire to an orphanage

[@brandondickson4266]

Lmfao so wrong but I am dying of laughter

[@thewhitedread7572]

@@brandondickson4266 oh it's wrong, but am I right though? 🤣🤣

[@brandondickson4266]

@@thewhitedread7572 10,000% you're correct hahah

[@dalton1824]

I like how Bert thinks Tom is the fun friend and the one night stand. He's delusional 🤣🤣

[@erinbusby2035]

TOM ALL THE WAY. Bert loves to hear himself talk. His energy is too intense to fall in love with as quickly as he claims. Tom has a quiet confidence, it works for me.

[@baileysaunders5641]

Tom he chill af bert would cause me go insane 🤣🤣🤣🤣

[@KZ_MMA_]

That gallon of Kool-aid thing would make me so angry lol

[@kaylakerscher4518]

I would buy an “I fell in love with Tom” shirt if my Dad’s name wasn’t also Tom.

[@jarielie_xo]

😂😂😂😂

[@ChocoLumpiaLessons]

🤣 also I read your last name as Kreischer and was like 🤔

[@brandonf5175]

Your last name is how peoples say Berts name wrong😂

[@xprettylightsx]

“Babe Ruth was an orphan “ “Have you tried Occulus”

[@TubeYouGuy]

Roe vs Wade is all about the guys! Let's hear their stories.

[@jtdrmmr]

Tom. Imagine having to introduce Bert to your parents.

[@jennplee8077]

😂 You’re so right !

[@kaitlinkidd08]

My parents would love him 😂