10 MORE Uncomfortable Truths about Dating a Widower

[@Choclatcotton]

Lesson learned avoid all unhealed widowers. I obsessed over my spouse solidly for 4 years, then I accepted the fact that they were not coming back. If the work of healing Is done then you can be healed. That means dismantling your old life in preparation for moving on. Taking down anything that keeps pulling you down to grief. I had to get rid of the triggers which helped me to heal.

[@stephienxb]

I am currently dating a widower whose spouse chose to stop living last year. We knew one another in high school and both landed back in our home town last autumn due to traumatic events. Both of us are in therapy, but it’s still been tough. I really appreciate your expertise, honesty, and vulnerability. It’s hard to find support in this realm, and I needed to hear some of this stuff. Thank you for the work you’re doing!

[@the620master]

The first man I ever dated and then married is a widower. At 19, I was too young and too inexperienced and should never have been there. I was deemed "mature" because I never spoke up about my concerns. Our house is still decorated the way his late wife would have wanted. He got rid of everything of his in a fight because I wanted my decorations up as well. He enshrined his late wife and struggles with it. I would have taken it back if I could. I should never have married him. It has been 8 years. We are at the point where I realize I am second place. And I will always be. So either he changes and deals with his issues. Or I leave with our child. But I want to finally be put first. I want to know what it is like to be first in a relationship. To young girls who want to date a widower, make sure he goes to grief therapy. Make sure he has a support system. If he has a shrine, RUN! But if he doesn't, show caution and be understanding, but keep your boundaries. Treat your relationship with his late wife as a divorced first wife. She was a valuable person in his life, but YOU are not competing and he must fully move on to be with you. He will always love her, but you do not need to be her to be loved by him.

[@sbug2705]

Thanks for sharing these insights Abel. It is very helpful for women wanting to date a widower.

[@annetterhynold5177]

I was with a widower for over 8 months. We broke up when I told him how I felt about the new pictures of him and his wife that he brought out. That is when I realized I would not be number one in his life. His wife had passed 2 1/2 years before we started dating. My heart is broken 💔😢

[@janac2881]

Totally understand. Same thing happened to me. He told me now he’s In a weird place but he hopes I will keep A lantern burning for him. It’s only Been 4 months so guess I was him Testing the waters. At dinner one Night he took his wife’s 3rd grade picture Out. Sit it by his plate & stared at it the Whole dinner. Yes!!!! Then I took him To the hospital for eye surgery. He told The nurse all about his wife Told the nurse that I was “just a friend!” I should Not have tried to hold on so long bc I’m Heartbroken & trying to get over him Never again would I date a widower!!!!

[@johnkeith2450]

Most widowed will never be healthy enough for another relationship.

[@sylviabrown9585]

Definitely the truth

[@sylviabrown9585]

Said come to driveway but not ready for you to come in. That’s where I have to go

[@charlottebruce979]

I've been dating a widower and it is so hard especially if you left a last relationship because of cheating because in the new one you still feel there are three of you in the marriage and I still do. It's so hard to know he still loves her and would be with them if she hadn't died. So if you want to be loved exclusively, don't go out with one!!

[@starznmyeyez8906]

I really enjoy and benefit from your wise content. I am in a relationship with a widower. We are long distance for now but we speak or video chat daily sometimes an hour or two at a time about all kinds of things but he shuts down whenever I ask a question about his feelings regarding his grief progress. So I generally step back and change the subject. He lost his wife almost 4 years ago. When I am able to budget it in, I am going to book a session with you for myself. Much continued success to you on providing this very helpful information. You make a huge difference for a lot of people.

[@DatingaWidower]

Looking forward to talking with you, AJ.

[@christineplaton3048]

Pedestals and Shrines are not healthy. Better to choose the present, the future. The past is gone. We all have memories, but cannot damage a future relationship.

[@Imlookingover007]

Thank you the very last one was the 1 I really needed right now after a year and a having no progress due to no communication. When it came to his wife's family, his family as he referred to them. I could not talk about. It ended yesterday and the relief I feel !!

[@terrycoleman4572]

Thanks for sharing these tips. Learn more from your experience.

[@joanzarro2423]

You are so correct Abel! My ex widower fiancé wouldn’t sell, too many memories. He said he would initially before we were engaged. I could never live in a home where he lived with deceased wife and he married twice after and moved them in to that home.

[@phalynwilliams4119]

I am sorry that it didn’t work out. But for real you would have been his 4th wife? I think that in the end you were better breaking up with him. Sorry 😞

[@joanzarro2423]

@@phalynwilliams4119 I would have been wife #5. First wife cheated, second wife passed, third and fourth were functioning alcoholics. I don’t like to judge, I realize we all make mistakes. After our engagement and seeing displays of anger and how he couldn’t move forward, I knew we would never marry. I didn’t want to be another mistake. I also found he was co dependent, I’m very independent.

[@phalynwilliams4119]

@@joanzarro2423 , thank you for your response. I am glad that you have moved on.

[@joanzarro2423]

@@phalynwilliams4119 me too.

[@nicholebrower2127]

Dude I "hear" you. It has taken stepping away (6 yrs "free" now) and on the outside of being cultrolled I can NOW appreciate the paradox of that frustrating quip "It's NOT going to happen to you by ass-mosis"!@@!!!! Actually, I would say that YES. Sitting in the corner taking notes os EXACTLY what has saved me. I dig your message man. Thanks 😊🙏

[@Tbn48ibp]

Thanks so much. You’re awesome!!

[@nicholasdautel1228]

What i learned so far being a widower at age 48 is that now matter what you try to do, you are held to the highest standard. Divorce is common and a walk in the park in my opinion and the widower is almost expected to suffer to the highest degree for some reason. It a real interesting journey with no easy answer. Just stay positive and dont forget how to laugh.

[@DatingaWidower]

What do you mean you're held to the highest standard?

[@dib9932]

Divorce is not a walk in the park. I am a domestic abuse survivor. My ex cut off all amenities, refused to pay maintenance, Divorce itself took 18months and cost me 15K. And that's 30% of what I and my children went through.

[@phalynwilliams4119]

How dare you wrap yourself in some widow’s flag and presume that you are somehow superior to a divorcée. Some widowed people are just a bunch of selfish, self glorified hypocrites.

[@bonezbaaaby]

Thank you for this!!!!!!! Really appreciate this. I had reconnected with an old coworker because I saw that he messaged me that our other coworker died!!!!! And from there we just kinda kept chatting and liking talking to each other!!!!! The 1 red flag I heard was that he reached out to his first ex but then when we talked about it he said he wouldn't go back to that. Everything else so far seems mostly healthy. Sounds like I need to go to his house though to check if he's still got her stuff. It's been 2-3 years? since his ex passed, it sounded like they were together for 5 years, and he didn't know that I was actually friends with his ex so he was surprised by that. We joked about the fact that she sent me his parents address (I didn't know that was his parents) cuz we were actually planning on going to church!!! Actually the last I saw him he was with the wife I was on my first date with my 2 yr ex. He told me the last woman he dated awhile back he decided he wasn't ready to date because he found himself feeling like he was cheating on his ex going out. I've told him I'm content just being friends regardless if nothing happens and that I'm here as a friend if nothing else and he said he's ready to move forward and thinks he's over the ex. We've definitely talked about a couple little issues at least for me. I don't know if he's talked about any issues yet besides work and those stressors. I also prefer dating a man early back because I've developed borderline so I much prefer someone from the past who I trust or before exes or whatever. My best friends both I had met in high school. And maybe that's not necessarily healthy but yeah. The relationship talk he said he liked me (romantically), his daughter knew we were hanging out, and I believe his family as well it sounded like, said he couldn't believe I was single, but made sure I knew we were just friends. Idk. Pros and cons. But this videos helped open my eyes so far so thank you for that!!!!! I'm nervous cuz I also have borderline so it's like, I've never dated a man with kids before because of baby mama drama, but that's not really an issue here but it sounds like there may be other issues. Part of me feels conflicted because I was an acquaintance to his ex so I wonder if I should feel guilty. Actually we were closer than me and the guy! The other part wonders what she would say about it. Would she say date someone who's more ready? And is he truly ready? I guess the truths you have in the video are there and that's why I'm here.

[@WilliamCato]

I started dating four months after my wife passed away. Both dates ended didn't go so well so, I stopped for a few months because I just wasn't ready. I am reading your books and they make a lot of sense so far. I tried grief Share through my local church but most of the information wasn't geared toward widows or widowers.

[@DatingaWidower]

That's one reason my resources exist.

[@SandyBrookover]

He’s not ready….i must move on!

[@deewashington424]

When is the right time to ask about financial status, ie. Fico score, debt, resources, etc?

[@darlenefricke2862]

This is very helpful

[@elizabethjones398]

I’m so glad I stumbled onto your books and now your KZbin videos! You have helped me so much in my own situation. I’m just not sure if I can deal with it all though. I’d love to be able to ask your opinion and advice...

[@DatingaWidower]

Hi Elizabeth. Happy to connect. Let me know what's going on or you can schedule a 1-on-1 conversation with me at www.abelkeogh.com/widower-relationship-coaching-consulting

[@christineplaton3048]

Yes.Recommend books by title .

[@sussexsomewhere3986]

Books that have helped me; Life with a Widower - Abel Keogh Marrying a Widower - Abel Keogh And also One Heart Too Many - Denise Medany. She has a great chapter at the end aimed for your Widower read.

[@christineplaton3048]

Thanks.it helped.

[@Crystalsellers-g4f]

Thank you.❤

[@jeffjones578]

My present wife showed me your you tube uncomfortable truths video ,she thought it would amuse me . but it kind of angered me i broke almost every rule you said in the 2 videos i watched ! yes there is partial truths in all the examples you gave , but if your Honest and Respectful and Mature , most all things will work out ! Tell people to stay Positive !

[@charlieroberts7968]

The essential point is this: When a man and a woman have been married for many decades (and if their love was *really* true), then there's absolutely no possibility of easily "moving on" or "getting over it" or engaging in "new beginnings". A lot of water has flowed under the bridge during the course of the marriage. There have been so many very good memories over the span of time that constituted the living years. So many ghosts! How can a man put his dead wife aside and say (very blithely), that he can cling to a new woman? The *real* world just isn't that simple!!!! Some of us men who are widowers cannot (and will not ever) let go of the past. Our wives have become saints & cherished memories. Mourning has become a new way of life. My wife and I promised that the two of us will be together *forever*, and that's exactly how it shall be now and for all of eternity.

[@midnightblue117]

So why are you here?

[@newyorke172]

Would your wife have wanted you to move forward and be happy?

[@margaretwilkinson8188]

There's nothing magical about being widowed that makes it any different from many years of marriage followed by an unwanted and unexpected divorce. No one would expect a woman whose husband left her for his secretary to tell her new partner how wonderful her husband was and to have photos of him all over the house, yet she may have ahd even more years and just as deep love for him as any widow/er. You can stop your life, or heal and move on. But what you can't ethically do is expect someone else to put up with being second place.

[@carolbohn5900]

@@margaretwilkinson8188 Your comment really spoke to me. I am 68 and divorced 5 years ago. My husband of 35 year and 3 children later decided he was gay, so he left me. I loved him very much. I am now dating a widower who lost his wife a year and a half ago. My hurt is every bit as raw as my "boyfriend's", but doesn't command the same respect in a way because our relationship ended badly. The widower was happy, loved his wife, and tragically lost her. I'm a year into this relationship, and it's a long distance one, although we've been travelling a lot together. Not happy with the shrine, keeping photos and the urn at home, keeping her wedding dress and his wedding tuxedo. I love him, but have had enough hurt in my life to not want more.

[@eileenwatt8283]

​@@carolbohn5900 just tell him you don't want to live with the presence of a ghost. If he wants to have a relationship with you he should think about putting the mementos away for the children or grand children to have. He has to make space for new memoirs with the living now.

[@dianlynch1939]

I have been dating a widower for about 3 months. He had been a widower for 10 years. All he will say is he really don't want to get married. And he feels it is wrong to have sex outside of marriage... any suggestions

[@DatingaWidower]

If that doesn't line up w what you want/need in a relationship, time to mive on.

[@janetnorton6598]

Run....

[@beverlysummerlin3739]

What books would you recommend to help widowers let go of their wife’s things?

[@DatingaWidower]

The Ultimate Dating Guide for Widowers.

[@jenjq2012]

What happens if the widower hooked up with someone three months after the death of a spouse?? Do you think he was really in love with his wife??

[@edlakaumbi8619]

His book explains this beautifully.

[@missc2091]

Seems like he is lonely and liked the attention maybe

[@itumelengmosailane1192]

New habits can make one fall in love

[@glampingwiththeghis9461]

Abel, you make it sound like telling people about a new relationship should happen immediately. That, like everything else takes time. I am concerned that comment puts a lot of pressure on the Widower. You should really clarify that.

[@DatingaWidower]

What I was getting at is not to HIDE the relationship. Too many widowers do that because they're worried what others will think. You should be proud, not ashamed, of your relationship.

[@damariswanjama1487]

They are nagging

[@trsimms]

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