10 Rules For Surviving Life With A Narcissist

Narcissists are quite deliberate in their efforts to stay in control over you. Dr. Les Carter explains that it is in your best interest to know their attitudes and practices so you can have a counter plan. He offers 10 insights for handling your life so you will not be pulled under by a narcissist's manipulations.
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Dr. Les Carter is a best selling author and therapist who has semi-retired to Waco, Tx. In the past 40+ years he has conducted more than 65,000 counseling sessions and many workshops and seminars. He specializes in anger management and narcissistic personality disorder.
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[@lil--mo2025]

Some narcs will use kindness with total deceit as the greatest form of manipulation. They are the biggest hypocrites and users of any people.

[@thegodblogger3812]

Narcs use truth the same way. They only tell the truth when it is flattering to them or places them in the best light. Otherwise they lie, obfuscate, delete, omit, twist and turn, and deploy pretzel logic with the greatest of ease.

[@sharonmonathcohen3642]

Agreed, but beware if you don't want to cater to their crap, they are really mean and they outwardly lie. Why I typed outwardly because it's us who see it. Oh you get it. Had a day!

[@life-rethought]

@@sharonmonathcohen3642 yes the mean lying to your face...rough stuff. took my breath away the first time. and yes there has been more. digesting what im in and what my next best move is now. actions I take are the kindest choice for myself now.

[@sharonmonathcohen3642]

Trauma bonding

[@happyhealthyblessed]

Yes! Agree 💯

[@BobTheSchipperke]

Grey rock, Grey rock, Grey rock, Grey rock, Grey rock, Grey rock, Grey rock, Grey rock, Grey rock, and don’t trust the flying monkeys?

[@annking8633]

Exactly that!!!🤣🤣🤣💞

[@SamSolasdonSaol]

Grey rocking your life isn't living, imho. I've moved past the grey zone with No Contact with all our family cult of narcs and enablers and ahhhhh... COLOR! Better.

[@mountainmommarealestate2205]

Grey rock and don’t expect any emotional support

[@bravodiyemon1757]

Narcissists are children in front of sociopath and pshycopaths.My mother is a sociopath,my father is a pshycopath,my grandfather was also a pshycopath and i am also a pshycopath(high functioning).My maternal grandmother and maternal grandfathers are also sociopaths

[@carolnahigian9518]

its never Their RESPONSIBILITY..

[@drivesmecrazy1000]

"Never assume normalcy with a narcissist." I have to tell myself this all the time. I am finally leaving a 20 year marriage with a Narc, and only now am I realizing the depth of brainwashing, disorientation, and confusion I have when it comes to him. To cope with each day, I learned to ignore and forget and now I barely remember the last 20 years. When you realize you are with a narcissist, just get away. Don't burn through years of your precious life with these people.

[@janetpattison8474]

Exactly. Congratulations on having the end in sight. For 20 years I’ve been dodging the ever-so-clever attacks of a covert family narc.. it’s love bombing right now, to try and cover up all the jealous digs, and much more, including a hidden camera to spy on me. Lol. It’s neverending.

[@TC-gx3qn]

Amen! By God's grace, I choose to be a person of peace despite their behavior. 🙏🏽

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Pleased!

[@angellacanfora]

"It's OK to be me" is my new mantra!

[@palominoshine7838]

Slogans help me to stay grounded in what is best for me. One is J.A.D.E. Don’t justify,argue, defend or explain. Another is, Don’t take the bait. Very helpful when the emotions come onboard and want to run the show. I have choices.

[@susanmunoz7688]

Thank You Shine for the J.A.D.E.! I also like slogans 👍

[@jrod7017]

Great stuff!

[@brenda9265]

I had never heard of the J.A.D.E method. I took a screenshot in order to have it available to study and memorize. Thank you!

[@Harry-qw5jv]

I love the JADE slogan too, it really has helped me after the abuse to handle difficult emails and things

[@CJ-jq4lv]

Cool thanks

[@wifferstess2824]

You've described the person I have to deal with to a tee. The important thing to remember that it's not your job to save them.

[@EbonySeraphim]

I didn't even think I was trying to save my narcissist. I underestimated the red flags as flaws and thought I'd be able to introduce ingredients of being a healthy person to them. Once I figured out enough to know who they truly were, saving or helping wasn't even a fringe thought.

[@astrialindah2773]

@@EbonySeraphim most people that have to do with narcissists are empaths.. an empaths most generally want to help and support others to become their best self.. not necessarily save them.

[@roxymovie3938]

10 Rules for not getting into their game of manipulation: 1. Do not presume normalcy (be aware that they have a false facade) 2. Stay very neutral in self-relevations (otherwise they will use these information against you) 3. Drop any assumptions about loyalty (they want your full loyalty but they are only loyal to themselves) 4. Do not expect any heart-connection (during the love bombing you might think there is a deep connection but it is only the mirroring that they are doing.. so they are just pretending/imitating) 5. Do not enter into their power plays (otherwise you would become the pinching-ball and they will be the puppeteer) 6. Refrain from rationalization and justification (because that would only give them power) 7. Build in "relationship pessimism" (be aware that they will not change for the better and you are also not able to fix them) 8. Do not plead or expect apologies (they think they are godlike and so it is always your fault.. if they do sometimes apology they only need something from you) 9. Try not to take their rejections personally (it has nothing to do with you but only with themselves) 10. Plan in advance how you will engage with the Narc (best for your health would be no contact or less contact with techniques of grey rock or fire-walling) 11. If you did not succeed in 1-10, then try again (you are just a human being)😊

[@BananaOrange-bf2nl]

12. Plan ahead a list of superficial topics and stories to talk about so you are not there to answer to them. Have responses ready. Have some "dumb" tragedy stories. "The weather was so crazy the umbrella flew in the pool." When the narc opens their mouth, know it's a trick and either make a funny scenario about what they're saying. The narc got me a gift of sex trafficking books. I said she can put them on her coffee table and her toilet and I left them there. The narc talked about her bejeweled outfit and I said she can go in the garden and water her plants in her outfit! Never change who you are. As Dr. Carter says, the narc wants you to be them and they think they can steal your personality. Be genuinely happy, loving, sweet, and shine to kids, your partner. Never let them take your light and your spirit.

[@lynnebucher6537]

13. If you detect the narc is on a fata collection mission, feed them a bunch of false information and laugh later when you hear it's been repeated to your friends.

[@t_nels]

@roxymovie3938 This is a hard way to carry on, authenticity doesn't feel so daunting.

[@roxymovie3938]

@@t_nels Teresa, the point is that you can never be authentic in the presence of Narcs and these rules of Dr Carter are a guide for protecting yourself.

[@t_nels]

@@roxymovie3938 Yeah. I'm finding of Dr Carter's Playlists that some of those I have missed are essential pieces of the puzzle. They are going in my watch later to take 📝 notes.

[@2Bcreative888]

Excellent concise check off list for all the “newbies” stuck in this toxic relationship! Those of us “lifers” can only sadly shake our head in agreement and appreciate how this info could help someone avoid the years of suffering we endured, always hoping our narc would come around to NORMAL but never could. Best advice: do not engage = start any conversation and answer ‘whatever’ to all their questions showing zero interest. Planning my exit❣️

[@kathydenys7954]

Good luck. Sending you strength.

[@jacquelinefroehle5868]

Be safe....don't tell them you plan to escape. I learned that trusting God, because God is Love/Empathy/Caring about us always.....made my escape easier. N's want to be small little creepy gods. Trust the REAL GOD....it works in making what I needed to do, work out. Strange things happened to help my life. Bless you !!

[@2Bcreative888]

@@jacquelinefroehle5868 Yes indeed about NOT telling N about plans to leave tho mine figures it’s coming soon. My move will be a long, slow process of 37 YR household and being disabled so he’ll have lots of time to make my life more of a living hell and try to foul up my plans too. FAITH is certainly my source of hope and strength, I’m worth so much more than this!!

[@starrynightsmoonlitskies5497]

Hi. Be aware he or she most likely put spyware or parental monitoring software on all of your devices. Leave them behind. Factory reset doesn't always help as they create a back door and restore the infected files. You'll need to get a completely new hard drive. Get a Yubikey and set it up away from your home computer and phone. Check inside your devices for GPS trackers called Tile or Apples Air tracker. They don't let go easy. Watch your back. Eat from individually wrapped packages and don't use your toiletries without disinfecting them first.Mine stuck my face roller in the toilet and gave me a nasty staph infection. Good luck and I pray you get out safe.

[@ronnie.1983]

I never knew this was a thing. Sadly,I'm in it through matrimony. Biggest regret. Loneliest existence.

[@sema9363]

Oh boy, I know this feeling. Biggest regret of my life - wish I knew all of this before I got married. Sadly, I ignored the red flags and dismissed my gut instinct.

[@s.a4243]

The loneliness. Oh God i can feel it in my very existence now. So surrounded and yet all alone

[@shawnrenee7198]

I'm exactly there also

[@CJ-jq4lv]

If you’re lucky enough they’ll give you the silent treatment and then you can take advantage of that and go no contact, it’s the best way.

[@joanna0988]

I used to be so hurt when my mother in law would ignore me for months and now I can't wait till she's upset by a face I make and I have peace for a while again 🤣

[@sharinielsen7985]

I thank the Lord everytime I listen to you Dr. C. He's working through you to help so many of us. I'm so grateful, thank you.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Thank you, Shari. Dr. C

[@suetyson1650]

I am so grateful too! My relationship with this man has not been an easy one but there are many things that I love about him and I have kids and grandkids.

[@shari247peace]

As another Shari, I completely agree with you Shari! Dr C and this channel, a gift from God.

[@luv1000]

If you were NOT in their life they'd be ATTACKING someone else the same way!

[@leilagomulka5690]

Yes . “They don’t want to know you, they want to use you. “ quote well spoken.

[@deborahwentworth8792]

Simply put,if you can't communicate then it's a relationship WOTH giving up because it isn't a relationship It's a one way street

[@gwendolynbien-aime1536]

It’s kind of like living with the “Great and Powerful Oz”….until you wise up enough to pull back the curtain and see that you’re dealing with a complete and total fake and fraud. Then (after learning about narcissism and a lot of introspection and therapy), you realize that you are not the problem and you have the power to heal within yourself.

[@begonia3546]

Great analogy! The narc in my life is the wicked witch of the west, along with all her flying monkeys! to my experiences!

[@MiMi-og4wx]

This is a wonderful guide. You're so good at how you communicate and explain things. Thanks Dr. C ❤

[@acacacac2723]

He talks to me. Thank you sir

[@carolnahigian9518]

I Wish Cousin Windy KNEW, NO ONE WANTS OR NEEDS HER ADVICE& noone wants to be in a ' race' with her-- she is Obnoxious& rude& Toxic ' helper'(ew)!

[@cinzo7238]

For the book readers...WHEN PLEASING YOU IS KILLING ME is a must have! Great book!!

[@ruthpadilla1891]

Thank you!

[@aaronentresz]

A great book!

[@SamSolasdonSaol]

Suggestion: Add "Don't You Know Who I Am?" by Dr. Ramani Durvasala. Both excellent life saving books.

[@mattdonna9677]

There is a song, " loving you is killing me."

[@maryheiser311]

The only normal they know is what they get from others - don’t give them anything to use and they will fall apart and may even leave you alone or discard you - if they leave it’s a good thing.

[@lil--mo2025]

Spot on…my Narc latched into me like a barnacle for over two years and even though I left her seven times and would completely ignore her for weeks even months she would come back begging and promising change. The last and final time I left her she was clearly doing some back door BS as I work over 15 hrs a day and around 30 hrs a weekend remodeling my house. Once I stopped asking her things and showing her the attention she craved (especially sex) she instantly started getting out of hand. I tried to talk with her and get her to have a reasonable conversation, but she was stonewalling and invalidating me yet again. It was always about her needs, what I could do for her. Never mind the hundreds of hours of hard work and fun times I gave her and her daughter it was all about what she wanted right then. I could tell she had obviously been cheating and playing some back door supply source out of her harem garage, so for the first time ever I asked to see her phone. She gave it up quickly, but as soon as I started to look she grabbed it and wouldn’t let me see it. I told her I was packing my things and leaving for good and that that right there explains it all. She didn’t let me see it and allowed me to leave after starting a physical altercation and calling me a POS. She then text and called in a week or two worth of Hoover’s, but never did show up at my place to have an adult discussion. Guess what? She was instantly with a guy that I had questioned her about just weeks prior. Imagine that? Lol…these people are leeches and the parasitic drain that comes from them sucking the life out of you is instant and last forever once they attach.

[@wandah9468]

@@lil--mo2025 Quite a load of crap you endured. Hurts to read it! I sincerely hope you avoid her and any of the "flies" buzzing around looking for dead meat to make maggots. And I hope your remodel project turned out spectacular! She'll be pissed off at that, too!🤣🤣🤣🤣 You get the last laugh, honey, she's out of a job!

[@lil--mo2025]

@@wandah9468 thank you so much! That made my day. I’ve got a long ways to go, but I’ve been working on the house for over two years all in my own, so her being out of the picture is just less stress anyhow.

[@wandah9468]

@@lil--mo2025 You bet! Let NOTHING stand in the way of progress! I watch Lakefront bargain hunt renovations. Maybe that's how I get the next spot! More likely RV space for summer, then I run home again! Go for GREATNESS, friend!👊😁🤗

[@netpunk5890]

Off topic, but when Gus got off the couch, his little tags jingled, and my dog ran to the window hoping it was one of her puppy friends outside 😭

[@metatechnologist]

I can't hear them! 3:00 You must have watched this live - KZbin shapes the stored audio eliminating higher frequencies I think.

[@nickysinclair8436]

My dog barked 😂

[@Niles-Guy]

You want to survive dealing with a narcissist? Close out your heart and realize there is NO HOPE. They won’t change , no matter how many times they make promises or apologize. Realize they were script writers to a play they created as you are the main character. Eventually, the narcissist will kill off the main character and you’ll be replaced with a new one (new supply). The narcissist is playing the part (mask on) and are not the person they are portraying themselves to be during the love bombing phase . It’s all an act with evil intentions to abuse and manipulate you . Once you realize this (taking the red pill 💊) , you are able to survive dealing or living with them because your heart is now conditioned to realize the truth , in that there’s no future with them. After this realization, never trust or make deals with them for they will break their promises . But also limit all contact to simple responses and show no emotions (grey rock them back to Stone Age) . Never get involved financially with them because narcissist are reckless with money and credit . Finally, pray with all your heart and soul to God, everyday in order to find peace but also to seek forgiveness of yourself for ignoring all those red flags that allowed yourself to be abused

[@gaylaaucoin9075]

Get. Away from them asap too!!!

[@kats952]

You said it very well.

[@mattdonna9677]

Agreed, abandon all hope for them. They have no desire to change.

[@violajoseph8549]

It's not your fault because they mimic you or who you wanted them to be that's who you fell in love with not the mask off (the real them) thats why they pretend bc if you wold have seen the true self it would have been hell to tha naw naw naw. They are con artists and manipulates from the beginner they always have an anterior motive. They are camillions at there finest they are master's at finessing.

[@joejenkins5041]

Great description!

[@sunyunduan]

1 don't presume normalcy 2 stay very neutral in your self revealation, it will be used against you 3 drop assumptions about their loyalty to anyone except themselves 4 don't expect any heart connection 5 don't entre their power play because they use power play to put you down 6 refrain from rationalization justification 7 build in relationship pessimism,these are impossible jerks. 8 don't plead apology and accountability 9 don't take their rejection and harm personally. 10 plan ahead how you are going to interact with disfunction and unhealthy person. Don't play the game.

[@joejenkins5041]

Thank you for the summary.

[@finleyscotland]

Rule Number One = No Contact. Then the other 9 are not needed.

[@angellacanfora]

Not so easy when the N in your life is your parent!

[@obscurum6]

Not everyone can go no contact.

[@karolinagren5846]

Gus is getting depressed from hearing about narcs. I loved how he got up and left! 😀

[@susanmunoz7688]

😀

[@evelynrenish4248]

Gus is on team healthy!

[@susanmunoz7688]

@@evelynrenish4248 Yes , his our mascot 👍

[@sharinielsen7985]

😂🐾💕

[@raccuia1]

Gus has the right idea. When you have a narcissist abusing you that is what you must do, just like Gus, "get up and leave".

[@mdee860]

This video is exactly the gem 💎 I needed today... or sadly, 20 yrs. ago. Thank you Dr. Carter - you're the biggest gem of all!!!

[@conniedean6842]

I get anxiety just remembering my ex and how impossible he was...he refused to sit down and talk about my feelings of how he made me feel when he was controlling and rude

[@vladquebec]

One rule for surviving narcissism : get rid of them, go no contact and move on.

[@joanna0988]

Not always possible 😩😩

[@vladquebec]

@@joanna0988 I was able to do it, but I can feel empathy and understand situations other than my own. The other option is then to go gray rock.

[@snowbear1877]

Very difficult when they are the only family you have.

[@joanna0988]

@@snowbear1877 Exactly.

[@joanna0988]

@@vladquebec Right. My in-laws are the ones that act narcissistic and my husband doesn't want to cut them out of his life so it's not only my decision.

[@angelamwatts]

Not only are they unhealthy and toxic, they are also compulsive liars who destroy relationships

[@sammylhpate9382]

I asked the NPD during a patterned temper tantrum once " Describe an emotion." Any actual feeling this moment.".... It was then I got it. He could not describe not one emotional word. NPD's do not process emotion on any level. I survived, still struggling, great video. Thanks Dr. Carter. 1/7/22

[@deborahwentworth8792]

Staying with a narcissist is a wasted of a person's life.I found that out after 24 years of marriage.He was never going to see anything he was doing It wasn't until our last year of marriage that I found out he was a narcissist. I wasted those years trying to hold on and make things better or at least tried.Nothibg ever worked.So glad I finally found out and did what I had to do

[@janetpattison8474]

Congratulations! It takes a tremendous amount of courage to let go and move forward and u did it!

[@AnneMarieVoegeli]

@Deborah Wentworth - I'm coming up on 24 years of marriage in May. I didn't realize any of this either until the past year during the passing of my brother from cancer. I'm 57 now, and don't know who I am anymore. Working through Dr. Carter's videos is helping me tremendously, and makes me very sad at the same time. I spent all these years trying "to be a better wife" and if you guess right, I'm still not up to par. I am so very grateful for these videos also!

[@kats952]

They want to USE you. Remember that. Dr C is so on target it gave me chills. Every single item. Exactly.

[@kimberly1221]

1. Do not presume normalcy from a narcissist 2. Stay very neutral in self revelations 3. Don’t make any assumptions you may have regarding their loyalty towards you 4. Don’t expect any kind of heart connection 5. Under no circumstances enter into their power plays 6. Refrain from any kind of rationalization or justification to them 7. Build in relationship pessimism 8. Don’t plead for or expect any apologies…they won’t give sincere apologies or will renege 9. Try not to take the narcissists rejection personally 10. Plan in advance how you’re going to engage with them. Stay alert…you’re dealing with a very emotionally immature person.

[@AlwaysStampinVideos]

#10 is #1 on the scale of success. Planning ahead #’s 1-9 work every time for walking away with SELF dignity, SELF respect, and SELF civility so that SELF LOVE isn’t unnecessarily outsourced.

[@christineplaton3048]

So life becomes a battle, with no cohesiveness. A relationship with them will cost YOU personally. And others, when they turn you against another don't believe their slant. You and the other person are being manipulated. Highly jealous, won't let siblings near parents (but they still have a relationship with the parent/parents. They yes thrive on constant, chronic abrasive tactics ...and putting wedges. Yet they always want to shine in the eyes of others. Outshine. That's primary in their reasoning. So life is always a game.

[@kats952]

He turned everyone against me expertly covertly and cunningly. Even my two children eventually. 😟 they destroy everything beautiful.

[@mariajoseceron272]

Both my parents are narcissists. I’m leaving home in about a month and they told me I have to talk to them about my decision. It feels like I’ll be going to a boss fight or a war. These videos help me prepare for it. Wish me good luck 🥺

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Good luck...and be the better alternative. Dignity, Respect, Civility.

[@DrNancyLivingCoCreatively]

Matches my experience to a tee. Don't expect heart connection. What they want. Period. Feels insulting.

[@DevorahTafus]

I actually had a nightmare about my mother last night - and I'm 57! In the dream I was a teen again and she was saying she was going to send me to a psychiatrist because my interests are not those of a "normal" teenage girl. I liked to read about things that a typical teen would have no interest in rather than watch vapid tv shows for example. The real issue was I didn't line up with her ideal of what I should be like, present an image that would adequately impress those in the community or align with her interests. Of course, in real life she would never send me to a psychiatrist, even though I wanted to go to one. She screamed "There's nothing wrong with you!!!" and I thought, so why do you constantly act like there is?

[@catpaladin1]

My mother kept telling me I was crazy and would amount to nothing. One day I was trying to will myself to die age 15. During this time I came up with the idea that I first wanted to know if I was crazy so I jumped up and ran into the kitchen and said to my mother - “youre right - I am crazy. I want to see a psychologist “. She said NO without even turning around.

[@susanmunoz7688]

I don’t play the game! Some days, I need more reminders 🙃 I could be better and with Dr Carter great help And wisdom and Team Healthy I Am Going To Make it!

[@nancymurphy6483]

I can’t even count the number of times I heard the phrase “You owe it to me.” Many times I owed it to him to pay for something. Airfare, vacations, real estate taxes on the house he was living in after i filed for divorce even though my rent was twice as much as his house payment, blah, blah, blah. When I asked why I owed him something, the response was always the same. “You just do.” The other oft repeated phrase was, “If you don’t do this or that, you’ll be sorry”, or, “if you ever do that again you’ll be sorry.” I’d say “Don’t threaten me.” “I am threatening you. You’d better be very aware that I am threatening you.” “What are you going to do?” “You’ll find out soon enough.” I didn’t grow up in a home where my parents threatened each other, or called each other names. That was not my background, but you know what? To some extent the rage and the threats worked. I was afraid of him, and almost every day when i returned home from work, it was with a sense of dread, and a heightened sense of anxiety. I knew he was a damaged individual, but I couldn’t bring myself to feel sorry for him. He did a lot of damage, and he really didn’t care.

[@sema9363]

This is sadly very true and on point. I have grieved for the loss of a healthy loving marriage. For now, can’t get out but now I have gained my sense of self and self belief, narcy husband can’t handle it. He’s losing his mind. Never felt so empowered.

[@Elizabeth-qi5fx]

“I’m on team healthy” 👌brilliant.

[@t_nels]

Loyalty to themself and the likeminded! This is the reason when we had our family meeting about the action of an older sibling nothing happened. She said, "I won't change!". He said "She won't change!". End of story!

[@A.Dajlida]

Planning in advance is crucial. For myself, after years of abuse, I've created an all-purpose manual: when I am going to encounter one of those manipulators, I know the crucial thing I ought to have is my personal scenario, an important AGENDA, that I will closely stick to and that I would be keeping hidden from the manipulator, the manipulator not being a part of it, being isolated from it, while the agenda embraces some time and experience that ought to happen AFTER my encounter with the manipulator. That is, my agenda shall be BIGGER than manipulator's persona or contribution. Notice how manipulators literally beat through your walls to know, to learn every second what your plans are, what you're going to do next minute, next hour, next day. They want and they need to predict and controll your future. Just keep your agenda hidden from them, pay with obsure wording like "Depends on circumstances", "Future will show", "Maybe", "Don't bother about me", "Everyone has his own preferences" (more brilliant examples in Nazare-Aga's book "Emotional Terror"), be as vague as you can be, and do not disclose your agenda, as if it is not yet compiled. Your future is only your future (while the manipulator will relentlessly try to 'share' it).

[@metatechnologist]

"You can't even say they're fair weather friends." 4:18. Boy this is the case. My narcissist came into a large amount of money and erased all their financial problems. Did they pay me the money they owed me?? Of course not! Also if given the opportunity they *will* throw you under the bus!

[@blakeburklund5762]

yup.

[@MJ-qb5ph]

No contact - it might take multiple attempts to get it to ‘stick’ due to your goodness but once you do you will never look back

[@karenmininni4962]

This video offers a lifetime of great advice for dealing with the dominating dictatorship of a narcissist. It feels like they want to build you up to tear you down then blame it on you. When it feels like a chess game they play its time to watch this video again and again and again. Thank you Dr. Carter for your assistance.

[@sandi2490]

It’s so tiring to deal with them. I am not playing their game anymore.

[@mnikaluza4]

I have to remind myself that goodness has its own rewards when i am tempted to get discouraged when they seem to get away with being nothing for everyone..

[@vivianking8143]

Hello and Good Day Dr. C and all, always a deep thank you for all the information, encouragement, you share. Today's video left me with this thought of seeing the narcissists in my life, " I see dead people walking." As others here, I continue to work thorugh, gaining, not losing ground. I am thankful.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

They definitely don't get the meaning of a life well lived. Dr. C

[@susanmunoz7688]

Amen!

[@gwendolynwehage6336]

Many years ago I wrote a letter to my brother about the ways he has acted over the years that were mean and wrong. He ignored my letter so about two weeks after he received it I called him to talk about it. He immediately began shouting at me on the phone refusing to allow me to speak at all. He carried on so long that I could not speak at all so I finally hung up the phone in the middle of his rant. I was in shock because he claims to be a Christian and was angry that I called him out for his mean behavior. Then a couple of years later our father died and he walked up to me at the casket and put his arm around me. I hugged back and for the rest of the funeral, he ignored me. I realized later that the hug was a show for others at the funeral and had nothing to do with me. He never apologized for yelling at me on the phone because he felt justified and was not one bit sorry. I am convinced because of the way I think, that if we love someone we are terribly sorry if we harmed them in some way. He was never sorry and called me a few years later after the funeral to ask what all our children were doing with their lives. I got the distinct sense that he wanted information to be able to gossip. During that phone call, I told him he should contact them if he wanted to know about them. Sadly, I cannot trust anything he says or does, its all manipulation to find ways to act superior.

[@notagain779]

Gwendolyn Wehage, Your story is almost identical to mine! You two siblings are wired completely differently, as I am with mine. I believe sometimes it can be that they change when they marry, and start to think like their spouse. Yes, if you love someone, the healthy person wants to work it out and freely talk about how there can be better understanding. My guess is that if extreme defensiveness happens when you call out a person's bad behavior, they're already well aware of it, but it serves them too important a function that they need and don't intend to stop.They have all kinds of ways to justify in their mind, for being nasty and aggressive, such as, "Well, I was UPSET!" (Events didn't turn out the way they expected, for example) In my case, my sibling refuses to discuss any past issues, and always thought it was just a matter of time until it would all blow over, and we'd never have to talk about it. Ain't gonna happen! Calling you to find out about your children was a way to sidestep the issues, getting you focused elsewhere. It's a distraction tactic. He's probably thinking to himself that he's done his part with that phone call and it's about time for you to soften up! Yes, he should have contacted them directly. It's amazing how your brother uses the exact same tactics as mine does. And no, you can't trust them at all. Manipulation is all they know, and they do need to feel superior. They'll never self reflect. I hope it might help you to know you're not alone.

[@wordswordswords8203]

me too. my sister is a narc. she is awful. my brother sucks too but i don't think he's a narc so much as just completely uninvolved, unhelpful, mean and lazy.

[@kathyberry483]

“Guard your Heart”. I love that❤️

[@cacatr4495]

"Guard your heart, for out of it flow the issues of Life," from Proverbs 3.

[@hidis2000]

This is sanity saving advice for anyone whose circumstances force them to deal with an NPD inflicted person, specially a family member.

[@s359284]

Background I'm autistic and stuck living with my covert narc mother. Spot on, they're so entitled that every "you" problem (meaning theirs) is OK to be made into a "me" problem, classic enmeshment. She's been bringing a friend over that brings her dog upstairs without asking, and I did not want to risk the dog getting into certain things of mine that were not only valuable and the end result of hard work and lots of time, but also a danger to the dog. Explained that to her, then derp, didn't register. Later on the 'didn't know' defense was applied. The dog kept on coming upstairs and I got pissed, because she was laughing that the dog could open the gate across the bottom of the stairs. I said it would not be funny if the little cretin got into my stuff, for anyone. And the dog kept on coming upstairs, big surprise. So I wrote a sign across the gate saying this exactly: "No pets beyond this point--the gate is there for a reason. And please no more messing with anything that belongs to me." Yup a real winner, she does that too. So guess who the bad guy was? Case in point I am "not allowed" to say anything to my aunt that I am forced to share a bathroom with for every annual visit (it's a onesie) while mom has a his and hers that surprise, she takes up ALL of. I am not even allowed to address anything with my aunt who simply cannot leave it the way she found it. She also called me entitled because I am white, like does she not know that entitlement is defined by behavior, like hers who is too friggin entitled for potty training??? She stops up the toilet regularly (fam literally shits on me lol), takes up real estate that I NEED for working med dispensing routines, and generally treats the bathroom that I clean and maintain like a roadside truckstop. But it's demanded that I be nice because she's a "guest", not a "forced cohabitant". I tell my mom, your people, your problem, your hoarding, your mess, your problem--I have enough of those and I have to be responsible for my own behavior and accountable--like WTF is wrong with these people? All they have to do is behave like something other than children and there isn't even anything clinically wrong with them. At that point they would just be garden variety assholes.

[@markjayw666]

“I make sense” that’s enough! 👍👍

[@barbarabrennan1753]

The shit has hit the fan. I attempted calling a lawyer to protect me from their control. Which has saddened me. They were listening in. God knows rage manipulation . Emotionally immature.

[@rg-mi5hh]

I really don't like going passed someone and not waving or smiling, but these narcs think that means you are feeding their ego or they can do as they please because you are nice.

[@underdoggys5415]

So on point. Thankyou. So hard to find the words to describe this bond that seems inescapble😖 . Nothing changes, same fight different day. NEVER DO THEY APOLOGISE, even when it is glaringly obvious. Look forward to meeting someone, Not controlling but wants to be a team player, someone with a depth of spirituality . Thanks Dr C

[@elainesmith5313]

Dr. C. The Gray Rock Therory is truly the best Route to take....along with Emotionally Detaching. Guard your ❤! For out of it flows all the issues of life. It works!! I use to imagine that the NARC when Gaslighting me was talking to someone else, while all the while pretending I was a bystander listening to his BS. And would laugh inside and just smile back at him and say OK! He reminded me of my 2 dogs Darby and Annie ( my Buddy Girls). He would cock his head from side to side trying to understand my nonresction. Better than a Comedy Show. After 40 yrs of marriage and to much to loose I chose the Better Thing. Staying true to self...and always having no Expectations of the NARC. A more peaceful way to live in the midst of their Craziness! Thrieving in N. C. NOW W/ O THE NARC.

[@jameyburho1165]

"Okay, I have a good reason for me being me. I make sense." LOVE IT!

[@mattdonna9677]

Thank you for being our guide, everything you told us is spot on.

[@suzanne4396]

I confronted him about a Huge lie this morning, and he exploded and yelled, refusing to take responsibility, instead making it about ME distrusting him and snooping ( I made a phone call!) and how dare I do that and who did I think I am??! But even with 100% evidence, he refused to admit guilt or explain why he'd lied.

[@janetpattison8474]

I confronted the narc also, Re. Hidden camera to spy on me & more. It does zero good. The only solution is blocking them, asap, in every way possible.

[@janeskey5042]

Guard your heart Yep, you HAVE to. I just find it hard to believe that it took me 15 years to realize that my partner is a narcissist. Sometimes I shake my head and wonder how I fell for all the phoniness in the beginning. It was real to me but it wasn’t reality and that’s sad. These videos are really helping me work through this. Thank you

[@hope-nz6zb]

They don’t want to know you, they want to use you!!! So right! Wish I had known this 20 years earlier.

[@AlwaysStampinVideos]

Thanks for all you hard work, Dr. Carter! Squeeze Gus and have a great day!!!

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Thanks, Kelly! Dr. C

[@amor0000]

Thank you so much for these videos! They explain my husband 100%. Thank you for the advice! And for helping me articulate what my husband does and what his reasons are and why I have to be different when dealing with him.

[@susanmunoz7688]

Hi, and welcome to Team Healthy!

[@amor0000]

@@susanmunoz7688 hello! Thank you. 😊

[@AlwaysStampinVideos]

Many peeps were asking recently about why the live chat comments and questions aren’t visible after thw videos are completely posted- i hope this information is helpful- All comments made while the video initially airs are still visible after the video fully posts. When rewatching a video, click “live chat” and comments will appear as they were posted in real time with the initial airing of the video. So basically- to go back and see the comments you have to rewatch the video a second (or third or thirtieth haha) time. This isn’t a problem for me personally since i watch almost all of SN videos more than once anyway. I don’t want to miss any single detail to gain knowledge about this phenomenon nor do i want to miss a single ounce of encouragement from both Laura or Dr. Carter on taking my power back!

[@susanmunoz7688]

Thank You Stamin😊👋

[@debbiesmith8544]

This is spot on!! God bless you Dr C!

[@ncbeachbumintx]

Thank for helping me understand that it’s not me.. and I can not fix the other person.. I wasted many yrs not understand what was going on.. please give Gus a belly rub & God Bless you Dr C.. 🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻

[@gayejones7360]

Very wise advice. I love listening to you because you just get it. Thank you sir for these videos. Your such a beautiful blessing for those of us dealing with the type of individuals you mentioned. God bless you 💜

[@danielaselberg1810]

Thank you, Dr. Carter. Short, precise and practical! AND very, very helpful. (You are saving lives! )

[@mdee860]

👍 he truly is saving lives, well said.

[@kathyfoley397]

@@mdee860 it is astonishing how my husband does not see me as a person.

[@jacquiesegafredo886]

Dr Carter I am a 100% empath. I break my own heart everyday. Lord have mercy on my soul. 🙏

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Years ago I came up with the term, delicate detachment. Empaths need to learn to pull back from troubled souls, recognizing how some people are beyond redemption. You can still grieve, but you have to learn to do it from a distance. Best wishes, kind soul. I wish there were many more who had your heart.

[@LG-zy9dp]

The only game plan is leaving them and never going back or taking them back. Doc is on point 🎯

[@iMikkeysat]

Thank you. My horrible step father like to hit my dog in front of me to show who is ,,The boss" and i know he doing it to give me reaction chain. Sometimes its really hard to not react.. They have no souls at all and wanna find every little spot to trigger you..

[@Vashti0825]

I've been setting myself on fire for 8 years trying to keep my husband warm. After his recent surgery, I had to place him in skilled nursing. I can't manage his care and work full time anymore. I'm not willing anymore after having a month to catch my breath and get a taste of what life is like without him. He wants a divorce because he can't have things his way. So be it. I'm ready for my mental health and a hug.

[@wordswordswords8203]

congrats. you are better off without him.

[@conniedean6842]

My ex was covert, it was awful!

[@d.3243]

That tenth is CRITICAL! REHEARSE calm phrases...CAN NOT REACT. DO NOT PLAY THE GAME

[@reneec2583]

Thank you Dr. Carter. This video is Gold! Thank you for your work to help us.

[@wsurfs]

Rule #11 Say: "Leave me the HELL alone" and "Stay the HELL away from me"......and mean it..!!

[@Maggie-yq3oj]

Dr. C you are so helpful to me! I am so glad I found this channel! Everything you say is so spot on and has helped me thru the sh*# show I’ve been experiencing for31 years! Listening to you and reading all the comments make me feel and realize I am not alone! It’s been eye opening and sad to learn how prevalent this disorder is! I always thought he was just an angry, difficult, intense human! Now I know there’s a lot more to it than that! Now as I attempt the process of divorce omg 😳! Evil 👿 is too weak of a word! Wish me luck!

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Thanks for these comments, Maggie. You're realizing that simmering anger tends to go hand in hand with narcissism. Good luck moving forward, and best wishes! Dr. C

[@rioagetro6784]

Thanks again Dr. C for this. Ive been struggling lately about this highly narcissitic individual actually my bf as if he play a role of it. Master manipulator, why i can't escape 😔 he always stopping me from being happy, so selfish. For 8 years inLDR omg icant talk to him right now after he ruin my night last night monday i thought we are ok when he called he saying im a stubborn out of nowhere, when he's here in PH He making up stories about his relatives talking about me,insulting me, whatsoever he is just so abusive he said its my fault im stubborn for talking or jammimg with his fam and relatives when he's away . He said im pathetic,they laugh at me talking behind my back. But in fact we're good terms of his relatives and his father. They really like me coz im so kind jolly and all the good traits and qualities was i am. I end up crying last monday night i hang up the call and cry cry cry... he call againg and said sorry.. he said he was trying to protect me from them. Homaygod... he was protecting me...??? Ithink i should protect my self from him...feel so heartbroken he always doin this when im in good mood and happy. So immature at his age 42... 💔 thank you again stay safe from 🇵🇭

[@chinookvalley]

Time to go. You can do it.

[@rioagetro6784]

@@chinookvalley thank you for the courage

[@donna-colorado8443]

Oh Dr. C this video is so helpful. Thank you so much. Please tell your wife hello and give Gus a big hug from me.

[@teresacowles4189]

Questions-- Does a narcissist know that they are a narcissist? Do they enjoy being a narcissist? I have been around an entire family of them and also several bosses and bfs. Each is a little different, but to the core the same dehumanization, the same cruelty that goes on until they die.

[@meinemeinung1506]

After almost 12 years living this nightmare, I think I just learned to survive applying these rules 😮‍💨 you are a blessing, Dr. Carter

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Stay strong Adriana! Dr. C

[@janetpattison8474]

Yay! It sounds as if you’re doing well, and I’m happy for you!

[@JH-dh7dw]

I couldn't make it Dr C. 21 years I lasted, but finally learned I had too much self respect to deal with it any longer. Still hurts.

[@debadams1448]

Leave them- that’s how you survive.

[@tammyfetter8812]

“Standard operating procedures do not apply.” So true! Thank you so much for being here. 🙏

[@shebakali6]

Narcissistic niece, daughter of my golden child narc sister gave me the silent treatment/ghosted me for 6 years because I set boundaries on my sisters abuse. Ignored my emails, phone calls, suddenly appeared today with one hours notice and chatted with me as if nothing happened. No apologies, no explanations. This woman is in her thirties. This video helps explain her behaviour. She expects me to entertain her with one hours notice after ignoring me for 6 years!

[@obscurum6]

So what did you do?

[@shebakali6]

@@obscurum6 I was polite to her but didn’t ask for any explanation. I don’t JADE narcs. Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain. It was awkward and she was phony polite as other family members were around. I also am going through a court case and had an appearance recently. She never asked me how it went, how I felt after, that she’d pray for me. My friends did all that. So, I was more in observation mode. Now that I realize she has no empathy at all for me, I have decided to cut her off. It is remarkable that they think you have no self respect and will tolerate them. I guess it is sad but I think it is a karmic thing too, so I won’t personalize it.

[@jamesnoonan9302]

What happens is they keep talking about you until after a very long time it becomes apparent to everyone that they're just projecting and talking about themselves. For a while can't tell but as you get a closer glimpse and they keep pretending to be someone they're not it becomes apparent. I like the American poet Robert Frost who wrote "and none was left to prate of an old mountains case, that still took from the top to broaden its base"

[@iwonasosnierz1421]

Thank you dr Carter for again super interesting approach. Soon I am leaving the situation. To your rules I wd add N person frequently saying I DONT LIKE IT so do only wh I like. And if asked ab some uncomfortable actions the ANSWER will be NO I DID NOT DO THAT. So nobody will ever know what was done , wh will be done and generally wh to expect. Sad truth.

[@annehere8604]

Wow, doc, this is unbelievably helpful. Thank you so much.

[@annking8633]

10 rules of thumb, more like the 10 Golden Rules to survive. Thank you for this Dr. C.

[@roslyncerro1263]

Thank you, Dr. Carter for your wise counsel. I so appreciate you. Mahatma Gandhi's words:. "When I despair, I remember that all through history the way of truth and love have always won. There have been tyrants and murderers, and for a time, they can seem invincible, but in the end, they always fall. Think of it--always".

[@luv1000]

They DON'T have insight or even care in any way! If they do apologize they will go back on it!

[@randomisland2872]

These concepts are a hard realty when your own mother is a narc.

[@wordswordswords8203]

yea, it's hard when it's a blood relative who is close. I have several of those. pure hell. I'm sorry for what you are going through.

[@randomisland2872]

@@wordswordswords8203 Thank you. I guess I signed up on the course for suffering when I came into this life.

[@wordswordswords8203]

@@randomisland2872 yes, some of us get born into it. a lot of these videos are tailored to couples but i think the real suffers are the ones who have the close blood ties with these people.

[@roxymovie3938]

Absolutly true. I also have a N. mother. It's very hard not to take it personally. I am "dealing" with it since 55 years. Big hug for you.

[@randomisland2872]

@@roxymovie3938 thanks 💐 hugs to you💐

[@Revengestar]

I have watched many channels about narcissism and I am very thankful to your advice and the calming way you talk and explain everything. Thank you, I am recommending this channel to my friends as well!

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Thank you! Dr. C

[@happyhealthyblessed]

Thank you so much Dr. C ❤️❤️❤️

[@samuelsurbrook1428]

I can’t wait for this one.

[@upsidedownworld5060]

You try to move on with your life but, the jealous narc. still resentful of my ability to move on thus, is still trying to sabotage & undermine my every move, going forward!! Dr Les discribes exactly what lm currently experiencing & believe about time l sought some kind of stalking protection!

[@wandah9468]

I can attest to this statement. They dont want you to move on to a better life. No contact? Smear campaign coming! Watch closely who buys the line of crap. You're kicking THEM to the curb, too. No explanation required, just stay away. Even if they invite you over, dont go. They're looking for further material to fuel the smear campaign. Write them off, they're all done, koolaid going down the hatch. It's not that people are that dumb, it's that they are too lazy to think for themselves. Yup, in the trash bin they go. 😀 ah, that's better!

[@Elizabeth-qi5fx]

This is so helpful. I am just coming to terms with accepting that my tormentor is not just strange, stubborn and controlling, but a Covert Narcissist. Several of these rules will empower me so much. Thank you 🙏

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Keep learning, Elizabeth.

[@virginiajordan5567]

We need to go no contact. I can’t cause the person is an invalid and helpless. I have been SO damaged by this person, trying to help. Thank God for your videos. They help me get rid of some of the damage and cope.

[@marmaladesunrise]

Data collectors. SAD... Dr. C. These people are criminals..

[@jodalinamargarita6623]

I always call mine (mother and sister) inventory takers. I do nothing right!