3 Surprising Emotions That Drive A Narcissist

[@caroleminke6116]

Envy is now the number one emotion I look for in people. If someone feels envious of others then I run the other way ASAP because it’s just a precursor to theft... narcissists are driven by many emotions, such as fear, rage & shame, but it’s their chronic envy of others that incites them to destroy you!

[@bobtaylor170]

Narcissist alert 😮

[@BryanCWatkins]

My parents who are narcissist are very envious. And very thieving. They stole $20,000 from me once and over 100,000 another time. Left me with nothing both times.

[@BryanCWatkins]

Also they love to call ME entitled LOL

[@rosspurvine1624]

Envy and hatred murdered the prophets and kept truth knowledge and wisdom from the planet. Thank you for your comment.

[@naturelover1284]

They feed the girls to destroy them and make them overweight and then they can be the prettiest Wicked Queen around yet

[@MeCynthiaAnn]

ALOT OF Jekyll and Hyde actions. Instant rage anger and then acts like nothing took place…. I WILL NOT be in the presence of that.

[@cherobinson6371]

They are definitely Passive aggressive.

[@SirenaSpades]

100% Pay no attention to how I called the cops on you the other day... anyhow, I'm back from my disappearing act! Want to go out to dinner?

[@44julz44]

Story of my life 😩

[@annbow4064]

I have a boss like that,my Co worker was in total shock at what just took place and is a walking wreck around her I knew what I was witnessing as I lived with a ex husband like that for 36 years,I do my best to avoid her say nothing I don't have too,and give her no reaction,I spoke to my co worker and give her support and told her what was going on,wish i could get away from the boss but she has everyone else who doesn't directly deal with her thinking she is lovely.

[@mossbergEROCK1]

@@SirenaSpades Not giving a fuck is truly a superpower they have with certain things.

[@loridillon1617]

The most frustrating part of trying to connect with people is when i realize there is nothing there to connect with. Their wall is up and i "need" to conform. Questions or thinking are not allowed.

[@fred.k9875]

Pride leading to self absorption. Fear leads to defensiveness. Loneliness leads to disconnection. Inferiority leads to superiority. The net result is anger. Please watch Dr.C video of “The five primary emotions of narcissism” for the above insights.

[@BaraSchmidt]

You know that cartoon schtick where someone is opening a door and behind it is a neverending series of more doors? That's how I equate a narcissistic individual's emotionality. Just one negative emotion after another. These are "good from far, but far from good" folks. Remember, the door to Healthy is always open! Stay Healthy!!

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Love it, Bara!

[@Cerdinok]

Exactly. I will remember that. Thanks.

[@iyounghuang5433]

Good from far, but far from good. Thank you.

[@roxymovie3938]

Anger is obviously one of their primary emotions. Behind their anger lie their hidden, secondary emotions like hate, disgust, envy, resentment, jalousy, revenge. Fear is one emotion they hide although it's a primary emotion and I still believe that shame is one of their very hidden core drivers for not being allowed to be as you are.

[@gaylahall2880]

I’m wondering if it’s past traumatic incidents that happened to them that they are secretly trying to hide, and delete from their memories. Such as child molestation, and or physical abuse. That could cause mental pain, shame, depression, denial and fear for a person, to hold inside of their mind. So, if they don’t get professional help, that wound will never heal. And, the person or people who are around them will never be happy in being around them. Especially, a spouse or a partner, and even their children. It’s sad 😢and it’s very scary to learn that you have been in love with a narcissist for 48 years. And, you feel like you are trapped with them, because first of all you love them and the good qualities that they have outweighs the bad ones. Also, age plays a huge factor to keep you with them. 😢 😭

[@itslexactually]

The narcissist’s entire personality is a trauma response. Everything is about, how can I get ahead, what do I do to get what I want, and how do I get people to not be mad? That’s why they can often understand “nice” but not “kind.” Kindness isn’t transactional, but what we get taught about being “nice” or even acting “normal,” is transactional at its core.

[@simonandrews4355]

A few weeks before she died aged 94 in 2020, my Mum, a covert narcissist with little or no empathy disclosed that she was love blind in a question she asked me. She was like a woman behind glass emotionally. Mum was sitting in her chair next to me in her room at her Residential Care Home. Out of the blue she asked me a direct question, 'do you think my Mummy and Daddy really loved me?' Now, her long dead parents, my lovely and very loving Grandpa and Grandma were absolutely devoted to her. Suddenly I saw that she didn't know of their warm love for her at all. Over subsequent days I put two and two together. In my late thirties, about thirty years before, I'd come to realise she was unable to show love to me or any of my brothers or our families , but now I saw that there was another side of the same coin and that old penny finally dropped for me. I realised she was blind to real love, she didnt know it, couldn't feel it or receive it and couldn't give it. I saw how bleak her life had been. I saw how a person knowing she was lacking love but not knowing what it was and unable to share in it and painfully aware of that in some way might try anything to get it or to fix that connection. And that one might behave as badly as she did trying to fix the connection and create that love she couldnt see or understand. An impossible and Sisiphusian task. Since then, even seen through all the anger and heartache and disappointments of the years of being her son, I have now found a quiet, peaceful and sad compassion for her and for me too from understanding her love blindness. She had some vital software missing. What a waste of a life.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Such an epiphany! Thanks for sharing this.

[@runswithraptors]

Yes I take comfort in a similar sentiment that you are probably the only person in their life who has shown them real genuine love and they can't process it in a healthy manner. Just digging ourselves out of the den of ignorance and hate that some of our families have dwelled in for centuries. 🤷

[@simonandrews4355]

@SurvivingNarcissism You're most welcome Dr C. I'm 67 and I want to encourage survivors that it's never too late to grow in our own understanding and compassion for ourselves and our narcissistic nearest people from understanding them within their own distorted but real context, whilst always keeping our respective responsibilities with whom they rightly belong. I have found that there is freedom in that long journey of growing in our understanding and insight. Part of my response of understanding is that I am currently in the latter stages of training as a Counsellor here in the north of England as a part time retirement job because I want to give something back in gratitude for all the assistance from my own late Counsellor when I was beginning with coming to terms with life as an adult son of my narcissistic mother thirty or so years ago. Over half my allocated student clients just happen to be adult children of narcissists and there is much useful work that they are doing. It's a real joy to watch them creatively growing and changing. 👍🏻

[@simonandrews4355]

@SurvivingNarcissism Thanks Dr C. Yes it was a major step change to me and the best of legacies from my failing Mum even though she didn't know it. I'm 67 years of age and I'd like to encourage people to never give up on staying open to new insights and always to remember that it is never too late to learn and to ponder and to grow in one's understanding - and in one's emotional growth and 'elbow room' .... and internal freedom. Our narcissist parents did not and do not ever own our legitimate I's - our own selves.

[@donnahalsted7718]

Even pampered they will push you away - sure they're lonely. Even though they abuse, they suffer shock that I can't overlook it as I gently ask them for a little respect. ( Duck so that pot doesn't hit me!) No matter how much I go out of my way, emotionally, psychologically, spiritually and with every physical need I anticipate, they can't be satisfied. Their neediness is a black hole. I've been an enabler. No more!

[@c.thompson9771]

Take a MUCH NEEDED Vacay!! That WILL kill two birds with one commitment, to Yourself. 💖

[@MeCynthiaAnn]

Oh yes, they are masters at threatening and causing chaos and fear but once I got onto this channel, my eyes were opened and it doesn’t work anymore.

[@milliesmith8202]

once you realise you are dealing with an 8yo emotionally it doesn't pack the punch it once did - this channel is awesome

[@jogee7603]

Someone herein commented about REACTIVE ABUSE. I regret I have to say this, but this is what I have been reduced to. He LOVES to push my buttons until I finally snap. I absolutely lose my mind and scream like an uncontrollable wild woman. And, Dr. Carter, this is after 31 years of being married to this "man"! I am 71 years of age and SCREAMING like this is not who I am. It is who I have become. I'm beginning to think I must throw everything away and start over, but at this age it's so difficult to let go of it all. Then I tell myself... it's just material stuff and God did not intend for me to have this dark energy about me. We are in counseling, but seem to be getting nowhere. I'm actually learning more from you, Dr. C. THANK YOU for all you do!!

[@c.thompson9771]

Our therapist told me he'd like to meet with the spouse separately, within only two visits, and that I was fine, do not worry. After a few weeks, spouse came out to say, ' the doctor said that we shouldn't continue our marriage. I didn't agree, until a decade later. . , and that was well over a decade ago. 😊🎉. That'll learn me. And hopefully, you as well. Drama being the antithesis of Peace. Enable YOURSELF to sleep, peacefully again. You SO Deserve your BEST Life.❤

[@angelapitts2123]

You definitely deserve to live in peace. I hope you find strength to get away❤

[@Rachel-mz8ko]

Be sure to sprinkle your days and weeks with enough alone time; i.e. self-care time. This will give you time to gain control of your emotions, clarify your thoughts, your boundaries, your needs. Take time to spend with healthy others, even if its only by phone. Read or take up a hobby.

[@PixiSpark]

What delayed my realisation that my person was a narcissist was the absence of any sort of envy, anger or argument initiated by them. He would always be calm, funny and kind and just plan great things for the two of us to do but also cheat among many other things and be blunt about it in the name of "being honest since it's not a big deal" and he would push me to the point where I would be the one to snap and start an argument during which he'd say the most shameless things and I would find myself apologising for ruining the mood and starting a fight. It took me a lot time to realise the gaslighting.

[@caroleminke6116]

Covert & passive aggressive 🤦‍♀️

[@liliaaaaaaaa]

Look up reactive abuse.

[@johnkraus3386]

The Narc can be a textbook example of the 7 deadly sins: Lust Envy Pride Gluttony Greed, Sloth and Wrath. BUT, that is not OUR problem. The GOOD news is that for all the victims of their toxic existence (us) we have salvation. There does exist what is referred to as the 7 heavenly virtues: Chastity, Temperence, Charity, Diligence, Kindness, Patience and Humility. THESE are what WE can rely on to fortify our OWN self-actualization and discipline in ourselves. Witnessing the negative in them can bring out the good in us. It works. Fight the good fight. peace

[@hibiscushoney3759]

Very true. I came to realize that comparison too. When I had experienced the narcissist entity that consumed him.

[@44julz44]

This is exactly what my mind was thinking an hour ago 😳😮 In fact my life has become so bad with this evil that clinging to Jesus Christ is how I must fight this enemy once and for all! 😩🙏

[@darrynreid4500]

I find that these emotions of which you do speak become manifest when they collapse after not getting their way, and when the raging hasn't worked, either.

[@camb9064]

My ex-husband is a covert narcissist, but I feel like a lot of this video describes me more than him! 🤷🏼‍♀️ The loneliness of him not wanting to spend time with me, the shock that he doesn't hold the same values/morals as I do, and the neediness to be affirmed or actually seen. I don't feel like my motivation is the same as a narcissist. I'm still recovering from MANY years of being duped. It's very hard to believe and accept the truth that he isn't and never was the person I thought he was. 😏

[@Libby2025]

I understand what you say about it describing yourself. I think the reason for this, is that they are treating us as they themselves were treated (as children). In other words, we are on the receiving end of the same chaotic, contradictory, cruel, confusing interactions that they were exposed to. So no wonder we end up feeling like they do - a confused, messed up, misunderstood person who doesn’t understand the rules of engagement

[@caroleminke6116]

Dr C went back to the 2 to 3 year old development stage when we separate from mother in a positive transition or not… narcs didn’t individuate & never pass preadolescence. Not everyone becomes a narcissist though but may simply be a codependent person. Perfect fit for each other!

[@pamelamoore6239]

These explanations don't seem to include the innate part of the narcissistic character... it's not all nurture.

[@anitanash7777]

“… they (narcs) can argue with a tree stump…” Hahaha so true!🎯💯 Three emotions that drive narcs: 1- Loneliness 2- Shock 3- Neediness May God keep & guide all Truthseekers 🙏💪❤️‍🩹🌱🌻

[@surlif]

Thank you!

[@SirenaSpades]

How do they get shocked over and over, when every single relationship fails? They drive people away, and seem to want isolation, yet not realize that their crazy behavior is what drives people away. Even while dating, he wanted so much time alone. Then revenge part is quite bad. I'm really being understated when I say that.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

They are not known for having excellent insight.

[@CindyWorrall]

revenge seems insatiable until they find a new person to dump on and manipulate

[@angelacahill9460]

Thank you for broaching the subject of their pathological codependence. Their neediness is off the charts...

[@Victoria-c4n]

“They can argue with a tree stump.” 💦👖💦👖💦👖💦👖💦👖💦👖 🍁🦃 HAPPY THANKSGIVING! 🍁🦃

[@milliesmith8202]

sure can

[@immers2410]

Cum on jeans? I don’t get it?!

[@jeankipper6954]

Nag, whine and snivel the leg off a stool!

[@milliesmith8202]

@@immers2410 well maybe you aint meant to - its not a one size fits all

[@immers2410]

@@milliesmith8202 cryptic

[@AAron-gr3jk]

They only have negative emotions, and they dont feel them.. they observe them i think.. its performative.

[@lousilver5852]

Yes, you are quite right. The person I am dealing with deliberately escalates his angry behavior to 'lose his temper' so he can storm out and run away from facing or dealing with the problem. He will never resolve any dispute or discuss anything rationally. He just carries on as if everything is normal after a long period of sulking and never apologizes.

[@Lmaxk007]

Interesting . Thank you. 🎉

[@deemaysie6568]

@@lousilver5852 Yes, members of my family do exactly this, but I never thought of it as a deflection tactic. I think you are onto something.

[@liliaaaaaaaa]

They don't have internal feelings they experience in a sentient observant sensitive conscious way. They do however have physical expressions they embody as their raw, unprocessed animal monkey brain emotions that just get expressed unconsciously with no filter they just feel are automatically right, (right for them just because they feel like it & say so). So for them, feeling emotions is all about acting out unconsciously, with no introspection. There's no internalisation of feeling or thinking & processing going on.

[@Lmaxk007]

@@liliaaaaaaaa not sure what you are saying.

[@giuliagautschi-delre2313]

About Loneliness: Just the other minute after I cooked my vulnerable narcissist husband a formidable dinner he really enjoys (time early evening in Switzerland) I was cleaning up after dinner silently and he asked me why I am so angry. „I wasn‘t angry“ I replied. Then he went on that I stopped talking to him because I don‘t care for him…!

[@caroleminke6116]

You’re secondary mommy supply but you’re NOT his mommy! Tell him to cook your dinner & stop enabling this coercive control over you…. It’s called collusion

[@linbat6148]

This is so very accurate. I think it's a fair warning to say that finding inner Peace can often come at a very steep price. I know it has for me. Thank you Dr.C.

[@jenniferwaidelich642]

I haven't even started cooking, and the arguing has begun!!!!! Love the holidays!

[@well_weathered]

🫂

[@JackieFerrell-f6o]

Thank-you, Dr. Carter. I had no idea that loneliness, neediness, and shock is what drives a narcissist.. I thought it was anger - anger that they didn't get what they needed in their childhood. Just wow.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

There is so much below the surface. Keep learning, Jackie!

[@JackieFerrell-f6o]

@SurvivingNarcissism Thank-you so much, Dr. Carter. I will definitely keep learning because what you say helps me to understand why I'm so fearful and full of anxiety if I need my ex-husband's help with my motorhome. My anxiety and fear is off the charts. I think this is how my mind and body protect me. The more I learn from you, the more I understand my internal protective responses and the more I am able to process my emotional reactions.

[@caroleminke6116]

@@JackieFerrell-f6ono contact for a year from the narcissist will help you break that trauma bond because he’s still got control clearly over your emotions & that’s not healthy

[@angelapitts2123]

Back when I was in contact with my nm, she once said to me, "I expect you to call me and be there when I need you. I'm your mother" I said back, "you can't demand that, you have to treat me the way you want to be treated in return" She raged screamed "I AM THE MOTHER!!!!"

[@mjvictoriano]

They provoke exactly what they fear...

[@velvetgardenia]

🎯

[@DAVEITTERLY]

thank you docter. I feel peace, But its an unsettled peace. But its peace

[@LPVP123]

We can feel empathy and open understanding towards a narcissistic person but ultimately for our own health and healing we have to disengage unfortunately otherwise the alternative is allowing the narcissist to emotionally destroy you for their benefit 🙄

[@MJ-qb5ph]

Agree - I tried

[@kimwaite8916]

Yes, we are def. in a life or death corner of decisions to be made. The empathy for his suffering condition mixed with guilt that was multi-layered meaning that after 22 years there were different tactics made and I adjusted and then more over the years that seemed separate and became up front and now am so riddled with guilt and shame from believing it was all my fault and then beating myself up and thinking I'm a narcissist. It seems to have come full circle. And I still bop back and forth with denial. I HAVE to make it this time because I know I won't make it to do this again. The spiritual forgiveness route has helped so far.... but after a recent attack into a hole again. Thank you Dr. C you are a life line of hope.

[@LPVP123]

@ Ultimately once you hit the wall internally and understand it’s the narcissist or you , you have to at least control the contact . I said to myself ( this is a life and death struggle now it’s him or me ) I decided despite the life long programming he subjected me to from early childhood to choose myself and life . The more you let the narcissist control you the more damage they’ll do and it just emotionally accumulates inside of you !

[@Cerdinok]

I am happy to give struggling people affirmations and alleviate their loneliness. But their alternate realities, constant arguing, hostility, revenge for imaginary slights, and never appreciating the affirmations make them impossible to be with. Being what they want you to be never works; if you are that person, they will attack you for that. Then their demands escalate until you lick the ground they walk on and apologize for existing.

[@jeankipper6954]

I'm an older viewer, who went No Contact many years. This without the wonderful teachings and tools I'm so grateful for, now. One clear thought then was the choice to live the life I was given, or, spend it in endless servitude to these miserable, cruel, graceless people. I chose to survive. And indeed mom in particular cried piteously for this service, although she lived many years longer. I wanted good for her. Just not extracted through me. I surely don't regret choosing NC. But I admit to a sense of guilt about "abandoning her," as she so insistently said, demanded. Dr. C, can you please address responsibility? Theirs, for their own actions, and ours, for what is REALLY ours?

[@caroleminke6116]

I went no contact long before my mother died & didn’t attend her open casket 🤦‍♀️ funeral nor did I ever feel guilt! A mother bird works tirelessly to feed her chicks then let them fly away to independence for the health of the entire flock & doesn’t guilt trip them into taking care of her 🤷‍♀️ no brainer that adults are responsible for themselves & help will come back to them when they need it but not before then…

[@MerryAnne2598]

I went very limited contact when my mom unloaded all her rage on me for my misdeeds towards her for my 50 years. I had happily remarried a wonderful man after many years of verbal abuse, gaslighting snd affairs from the first marriage and she took his side, too! But we managed a truce and I was able to visit her monthly those last ten years to help my siblings. Our conversations were very limited as she knew I would leave for good. There was some love exchanged but never an apology. I am still working through her many betrayals.

[@rossanderson5243]

I also think envy is a major part of their makeup. Envy is the eyes of jealousy, but envy sees what someone else has and jealousy makes a competition of it.

[@caroleminke6116]

Fear Rage Envy then revenge & denial loop

[@rossanderson5243]

@ yes it’s a loop, a toxic cycle. Breaking cycles is bad enough, but there’s no breaking that loop with them.

[@angelacahill9460]

Yes, I think their insecurity drives the envy and competitiveness. It's pathological.

[@annettglass7290]

HAPPY THANKSGIVING Dr. Les Carter!!! Love to you and your family 🧡🦃🏈🦮🧡 Thankful for your knowledge 😊

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Thanks so much, Annett.

[@milliesmith8202]

thankyou for all your videos - my secret to surviving a rollercoaster ride with my narcissist of few years is humour (at his expense) and a big NO to cohabitation

[@rg3362]

How they hide it all so well with no display outside …particularly the covert ones

[@judysangregorio2787]

Sad, Narcissistic people can never accept any responsibility for anything harmful they do or say. Thank you Dr C. Hi to Gus.

[@johnkraus3386]

Affirmation, connection AND... VALIDATION.

[@amandaliverpool3374]

More valuable insight. Thanks Dr.C Much gratitude 🙏 ❤

[@well_weathered]

🫂🕯

[@dakoderii4221]

Pride Envy Shame

[@johnkraus3386]

ALL the 7 deadly sins

[@ace7821]

These three emotions turn into to extreme rage, anger, vengeance with a life time of grudge and continued hurt and damage towards you. They never change and they never forget. Everything is calculated, stored, collected, logged in their accounting books to be pulled out against you in your most vulnerable moment. On purpose. To hurt you in the most unimaginable way.

[@milliesmith8202]

knowledge is power

[@beeu9841]

This video hits hard. A lot for me to think about. Thank you, Dr. C

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

You are quite welcome.

[@77Shiloh7]

Wondering how many Narcissists have Oppositional defiant disorder? And is this disorder somehow connected to all Narcissists or just some? All the Narcissists I have ever met are arrogant, angry over everything, and yes, envious of others. And they will often point the finger at others saying they are causing all the drama. IMHO, all narcissists middle names are the same: "Drama. "

[@well_weathered]

Great Q!

[@caroleminke6116]

Disagreeableness is part of the bully persona as charm is part of the hero persona or neediness is the victim play on your empathy… inside is just emptiness because no adult is at home there

[@Rainbowlorikeetbebe]

Yes absolutely Oppositional Defiance Disorder.

[@jesperandersson889]

Very clear and most ppl will miss this crucial content under the hood - can we construct a bigger map here of these three - wow I am impressed by this lazer insight

[@user-lz9wj4xs5j]

Dr C, You are a blessing to me! 👍💕⭐️🙏

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

So pleased...thank you.

[@Dj.D25]

I have wondered if it's possible for someone to feel these kinds of emotions and do some of the actions mentioned, especially feeling very needy, but it's not completely their fault that their life and the situations they have been in appear to be mostly bad luck or the wrong kind of environment they grew up in. And when they complain, sometimes it does look like they have the right to complain for things that were completely out of their control. On the other hand, narcissists who struggle with loneliness, they seem to have no problem discarding people who actually cared about them, who didn't really cause any drama.

[@caroleminke6116]

They don’t care & collusion with coercive control is stupidity

[@rosspurvine1624]

I agree with "inwardly". They have trouble with that one.

[@WWZenaDo]

"They can argue with a tree stump"... And lose the argument. 😂

[@Hatbox948]

I'm hung up on narcissists feeling shame. My nex didn't seem to have much. He'd done lots to be ashamed of, but never exhibited any regrets. Would this shame stem from incidents or trauma experienced earlier in life?

[@amandaliverpool3374]

That's it! They never show regrets 😕

[@JanMorsø]

I think shame is part of a narcissist's core, so much so that it's, possibly, one of the main driving forces behind all the rest of their 'life performance'. It might be their only feeling, suppressed to a tiny black hole inside. Trauma certainly can do this, as can being spoiled, so anything else becomes a trauma.

[@aaronkwolfe]

The shame runs deep. Admitting to it would show weakness. It is hidden and protected.

[@velvetgardenia]

​@@aaronkwolfeexactly, and always placing blame on others is their way of "distracting" people from the truth- that it is THEY who are the sole architects of the hellscape they've made of their lives. And constant deflection and blameshifting work to keep the focus off of THEIR transgressions, which are LEGION.

[@mareeamor3596]

Dr C I'd never thought of the loneliness/fear of abandonment aspect before but it rings true with two narcissists I know who had some early childhood issues that could be the source. One of these people has unprovoked angry outbursts when her neediness is not fulfilled and she can't abide other people who have mutual close connections, being happy.

[@sissi8610]

Thank you! I just started reading a Chakra Book I've had for ages. Reading about the Anahata /Heart Chakra right now. Seems that these types have very active lower chakras to do with Sex, Sleep, Food, Survival, Greed, etc. Will look into it more, but it makes a lot of sense, and basically confirms what you, and many other psychologists are saying, just in a different way.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

It can be helpful to look at psychological matters from various angles!

[@2302PeaHeal]

Hi Dr. C, Happy Thanksgiving. I want help, we all need help at some point. Too bad you're retired from your practice. You seem like you would really hear. I so appreciate the videos you put out. They are such a big help. Enjoy your day

[@bevsprague1731]

It seems to me that a person likes calms down for a while but then is right back at their actions again. They draw you back in with a false change.😢

[@cynm6345]

Very enlightening! Thank you so much and Happy Thanksgiving.

[@Rainbowlorikeetbebe]

You're the best Dr Carter! Thank you so much for your message.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Thanks

[@darinsmith2458]

My experience is that addicts and alcoholics don't have that internal peace either.. The work that I am doing now is to get my body to homeostasis.. It would be operating at peace.. I am operating at Fight or Flight or you could say hypervigilance.. I do know peace feels like and that is what I want..

[@caroleminke6116]

☮️ I’m a year & a half out of trauma bonds so peace feels like simple relief

[@darinsmith2458]

@@caroleminke6116 Getting peace is one thing but staying in peace is another thing..

[@mariazalogina677]

Dr.C, many thanks to you for this video and all your other videos. You sometimes quote Shakespeare, let me make a quatation from our Russian Shakespeare,Alexander Pushkin:"There is no happiness, but there is peace of heart." In fact a more close to text translation is:"There is no happiness in the world, but there is peace and freedom". I think what you mean is that peace and freedom are attainable and if people can achieve them, it's a happy achievement!

[@pumpupthejam28]

QUESTION………. I so appreciate you addressing the anger coming from the narcissist. And I know that you’ve addressed anger caused by the narcissist. Can you address the RIGHTEOUS INDIGNATION I feel as the narcissist blames and points his finger at me with lies and half truths that bend the minds of the people around him? By the time he’s done with his “conversation” with people, rather I’m present or not, he’s got them eating out of his hand. And there I sit, rather I’ve talked trying to defend myself or sat quietly knowing it’s a pointless task even trying to defend myself to people knowing that he can bend and twist whatever I do or say into his favor. He knows his audience and will hit on things that have meaning to them and them using it to his advantage. Before I know it, everything has shifted in his favor and I’m just there, speechless like “What just happened?” Can people really be so willing to believe this without even giving me a chance to explain myself. It doesn’t help that I’m surrounded by his people and my people can’t even begin to understand the twisted mind of a narcissist. That though he isn’t inherently evil, since at his core he is just so about himself that that’s what drives him. His motive is his victimhood and entitlement to what he believes was robbed from him. Sorry about the length of this comment but though I’m surrounded by people who love me, I feel very alone in the fact that no one can understand what I’m struggling with internally. I’ve shared, but you come to a point that you begin to understand that people tire of hearing about it. I don’t blame them. I don’t want this to become my identity. I know I will rely on God our Heavenly Father in Jesus’ name. That alone gives me strength. I know He will use this (and has used this) to make me a better person and I thank Him for it. Thank you for your time…. Whoever comes upon this comment could you pray for me and if you choose to pray for me can you let me know by simply liking this comment? I appreciate any support! God Bless you!

[@lindawest4580]

Unfortunately many narcissists are probably watching these videos and classes and learning new ways to control others

[@trinab7762]

My son's wife took a screenshot of 1 of my replies, started a whole mess with my son, who has blinders on. He 31 she's 46. She causes my son aner, chaos, and blames me

[@soundscapes4619]

Thanks for posting. Very insightful.

[@lisaklein664]

Thank you Dr C for easing my guilt at ceasing contact from my narcissistic sibling. I hope to find a life for myself now our parents have passed away. Xmas is a difficult time, though, when we miss those gone❤

[@IsmelAbozar]

Thanks a Lot sir.

[@notagain779]

Wow, Dr. Carter, all you've said explains a lot about the behavior of an older male relative. (I'm female) He has always behaved in such a way that seems like he wants me to admire him. I don't, and never did, because he's arrogant and a show off, but I keep getting the feeling that he even is attracted to me physically. It's very awkward for me to be around him. I never acted like we have any relationship, but he thinks we do. I only see him at necessary times like family events, at which time I remain detached. He seems to want something from me, but I'm not sure what. 🧐 He likes to try to provoke emotional reactions from me.

[@caroleminke6116]

Looking for secondary mommy supply so run! Everyone is mother to a narcissist & that’s not healthy to say the least! It’s disgusting actually

[@angelacahill9460]

Your detachment probably drives him nuts and makes it worse, lol.

[@notagain779]

@@angelacahill9460 , I think you're correct in that. He does seem to ramp it up when I avoid him. Do you have any ideas how best to behave around such a person? I don't think he'd be able to discuss my thoughts about him. He doesn't accept any criticism whatsoever from anybody - if criticized, he shrugs his shoulders and claims the person has mental problems! 😂

[@angelacahill9460]

@@notagain779 I think you're doing it exactly right already, thank goodness you only see him occasionally!

[@leonasweny1525]

Hey narcissists love the attention of the opposite sex, he’s older and should be showing respect rather then drooling over you. If I were you i would be careful around him and keep your distance. He thinks he can catch a younger woman and your his target. I don’t know what age you are but please make sure you don’t find yourself alone with him ,it sounds like he thinks he’s in with a chance and I would hate to see you hurt.

[@Ivar-V]

I thought it was gonna be shame, shame, and shame

[@caroleminke6116]

He’s at a 2 to 3 year old level when the infant failed separation & felt abandonment anxiety then emptiness

[@jessicabulloch5302]

Thank you again for your great insight.❤

[@LarsOutzen]

so how do health people express their insecurities in a respectful & safe way? Such that others are free to decide how & when they will respond to those "insecurity projectors" in a balanced fashion? This video is very insightful! Sometimes I ask people what they fear and they say I don't have fear, and then I ask; how come you have a need to express your dis-pleasement with the unpredictability of others then? And it is clear that they can't comprehend that different people have different values and different priorities, as if the only right ways is the (for them) anxiety reduction way they have envisioned? As an autistic person, it is especially problematic, bc NTs automatically use blame, shame, guilt to try to force me to comply with the NT-values, and as a late diagnosed it seems a lot easier to comprehend that I am different, compare to how much NTs struggling with letting go of the NT-rails for autistic people?

[@karenwinstanley7939]

Eventually they will come across as strong as me who has survived more abuse in every aspect from childhood into adulthood but I have never told story about my past abuse and having suicidal attempts or using drugs and drinking in my teenage years to numb the mind from nightmares and flashbacks of my post traumatic trauma. I called my own parents out so the rest of my abusive relationships that I’ve suffered physically mentally and emotionally have been the ones that I have always believed I was strong enough to leave and eventually I did that? After my last relationship and dealing with threatening and stalking behaviour I have had to seek professional therapy again because of how scared I was and also recovering from open heart surgery. I was feeling like I was not able to come back from the impact that it had on my mental health even though he’s now got a police record for his behaviour . I used every bit of strength I had to get this result thinking if it saved another victim from his behaviour and they could get a background check on him that’s what kept me from not giving up and when I told my police officer that had been my rock and she pushed me to get him reported, when she told me the outcome and I explained I did it if I could save one more victim from his behaviour then I could settle because I could not have lived with myself if I didn’t report his behaviour that he had been inflicting on many other women who hadn’t got the strength to report him and that is the reason he’s got away she was so proud of me saying that , and it’s not something I expected to deal with, but I’m on the road back to recovery and il be back in live sessions soon 🙏

[@susanbennetttellstales7998]

Gus looking a bit bored, ears primed to hear something more doggy-interesting, such as "ball" or "pat" or "who's a good boy?"

[@IamBeautyBraeden]

Loneliness, Shock & Neediness = 3 invisible emotions driving a Narcissist

[@caroleminke6116]

Basically they never separated from mother in a healthy way & feel disconnection, abandonment anxiety & emptiness but we’re not their mother either

[@roxymovie3938]

Dr Carter, I am curious which other 3 emotions (apart from anger, fear and shame) you see as their driver. I find this subject very difficult, due to the fact that they are not able to feel emotions like we do and due to the complexity of emotions in itself for no emotion is an island.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Loneliness, shock, neediness. (special sneak preview, just for you, Roxy)

[@roxymovie3938]

@SurvivingNarcissism Thank you, Dr Carter, for the sneak preview!!! ... Hmm, loneliness and neediness I can understand...but shock? Well, I will wait and see, how you will explain it. Thanks again.

[@well_weathered]

​@@SurvivingNarcissismThese are really surprising.

[@roxymovie3938]

​@@well_weathered yes! 👍

[@well_weathered]

@@roxymovie3938 They don't act it but they leave you in it.

[@IzabelaWaniek-i1x]

Narcisists are immature, entitled, arogant and envious people who must get their way or they will takę tęgie ragę out on you. Who in the right mind Wiols behave this way?

[@karinesavard2016]

Is there a link between handsome privilige and narcissism? It seems like they rely so much on looks they never developed a true personality? 🤔 And they expect everything to be presented on a silver platter.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Yes...it's the vanity, entitlement factor.

[@fred.k9875]

Please watch the movie: Step brothers Lots of psychology there.

[@Martha-kk1ob]

More?

[@pamelariley6694]

👍

[@RobertEsparza-zc2ou]

Thanks Aaron, state yO name, Linda in Texas, these comments rule, I'm one person, but you folks please be ok, bam, gobble gobble, sending great thankful ness, to this cool community,

[@trinab7762]

Please do a video on how to be emotionally supportive to help a.child.deling with a narc step mom, and dad that is played by the step mom. The child takes the blunt of step mom and dad "takes her side" I am the paternal grandma and step mom isolated my son from me and tries to keep my granddaughter isolated from me. I used to have my granddaughter 4 - 5 times a week, after school, weekends, etc. Step mom has cut the time down to once or twice a month. Granddaughter has emotional break downs now, losing confidence. Please help me help her

[@carparthero]

3 surprising emotions that drive a narcissist: loneliness, shock and neediness.

[@RandomAnonymousChick]

I can argue with a tree stump. Don't know if that's a Good Thing? Thanks Dr. Carter.

[@Rachel-mz8ko]

I've been struggling the past few days. How are we NOT responsible for "fixing" the narcissist? If we can see it, doesn't that somehow make us obligated to somehow help them? (I suspect the answer might lie with the concept that they need to be allowed to hit bottom and feel their pain in order to gain an understanding of the consequences of their actions and their need to change.) I don't have a good relationship with pain and suffering. When I was younger and it became evident that a character in a TV show I was watching was about to be swindled or treated unjustly, I had to leave the room. This seems to be a pervasive problem for me.

[@Greg-xu2bs]

Is there an overlap between the traits of narcissism and borderline personality disorder?

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Quite a bit

[@Faunafloralove]

Hello Les, I appreciate your videos and your insight into narcissism. I also appreciate the language you use while describing narcissism which to me humanizes narcissists while not making excuses. What advice would you give to someone who can identify these patterns in themself having grown up in a narc family system without completely disregarding all the internal that’s already been done?

[@Lauralaura477]

Happy Thanksgiving!!!🇺🇸 Dr.C!!!!

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Thanks, and the same to you!

[@elizabethbowie9753]

I Can't just up & leave. Ya need $$$ to do that. I'm 70. I'm on a limited income. I live in a low income senior housing complex. I live in my own tiny apt. Each unit has 4 apts. (one floor). These units feel like they're on top of each other. Just, "Leave the narc," Doesn't work for everyone. Don't you think I Would? If I Could ??? I'm not stupid.

[@soundscapes4619]

I wasn't born a narcissist. I learned that the only way to survive in a snake pit is to get out! Run Away! It's better to be alone than to be in the company of 🐍's

[@AlwaysStampinVideos]

Quick question, DrC… first I hope you had an amazing Thanksgiving! And then the question is about the isolation/loneliness part. The narcissist(s) I deal with are surrounded by family who back them up and support them. I’ve lost all of my friends (or at least people who said they were my friends until the time of the separation) and the narcissist now spends much of his time with those friends. Can you talk about what part isolation plays when it looks like the narcissist is far from being isolated? Thanks in advance!

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Hi KellyJean! Great question. I'm going to answer it in next week's live feed. The short answer is to understand their level of connections. Narcissists are pervasively shallow. As long as there is little self disclosure or vulnerability, they can "connect." (There are many groups who will foster this.) If you're the kind of person who says, "let's drop the pretenses and become honest," you're shunned because you are not playing by the rules. And, yes, we had a very satisfying holiday yesterday. Spent the entire day with family, ate too much, played games. Plus, this is the first time I smoked the turkey on my outdoor smoker, and I must say, it was pretty tasty!! And as long as Jennifer makes her sweet potato soufflé, I'm a happy camper. Hope you had a meaningful day as well!!

[@MisssAnthrope49]

Narc Boss betrays me every chance, and she will enact a Bad Ending.

[@judyhogarth80]

My narcissist may be shocked about m???? Do I care NO. He said ‘ I was rude and that I was ignoring him, and I needed to explain myself’. I said ‘ I don’t speak to people who talk to me like that’. And frankly carried on with my life. It’s been years since that happened, and I have just got on with my life. I have no contact with him. We share diy men , gardener, and window cleaner. I have been told that he continuously says how much he hates me, and what a nasty person I am. And I don’t care. He has since argued with all the workmen, but they still do my work. It gives me pleasure not to have any contact with narcissist. I am not bothered that he tells others how nasty I am and how much he hates me. If only he knew that when he says that, most people like me more, and really out him to one side. I am consistent in how I treat people and I move on and make my separate plans. Thanks again. Judy uk

[@daliborkaralis9315]

Very accurate !

[@Andrew.the.Philosopher]

Dr. C. needs to turn down his audio amplifier and make up for the low spots with a dynamic compressor. Also the compressor can be applied during the edit to tune it perfectly. The audio is clipping at times.

[@lishmahlishmah]

Happy Thanksgiving dr C 🌿 to you, your wife and your family 🌟💚💛🌹🥧🍪🍩🥧 I'm still trying to interpret your reply to the other comment (under this same video) 🤔 I'm between this 😄 and this 😭

[@elizabethbowie9753]

I have a neighbor who, IF she invites me over & we talk; She Always says, b4 I leave, "ok. Just wanted to know if we're on the 'same' page.". After the 3d or 4th. time she said that to me, I agreed - at the moment. But when I got home, I tho't, "NO !! We're Not on the same page, Unless it's Your page." So now I can chit chat hello & That's it. I live in a senior citizen low income housing complex. She rakes Five yards, bedsides her own. I told her More than once, Not to rake my yard. Two weeks ago, she was raking everyone's yard again. I told her Not to rake my yard. The maintenance guys will take care of it. Then she Yelled at me until she was red in the face. So I shut my door. & Guess what? Shortly afterwards, the maintenance guys came by & did the yard work. 🙄🙄🙄 The thing is, leaves are a natural mulch. Raking my yard ruins the grass. Then maintenance guys have a tractor type machine that sucks up the leaves, without ruining my yard. She yelled at me, "You don't own the yard. You lease it..." I was thinking, "You don't own it either. Get outta here," but I didn't say that. It wasn't worth the argument. So Later, she comes over to "apologize," ... I accepted her apology, but I didn't condone her raking the yard. But she flips every situation back to Herself. She goes on & on about how she's upset bcz her sister is ill... I tho't, "Then you shld. be with your sister. Not raking my yard!!" Before she "apologized," I heard her being a drama queen to 2 other people. Oh, Elizabeth slammed the door on me... " What Ever goes on, it's about HerSelf. 🙄🙄🙄 & I Don't Live with or have a relationship with any narcs. I'm just Surrounded by them in this place.

[@helenwashington6212]

Doc would you say that they would try to make their issues your issue ?

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

100%

[@MJ-qb5ph]

Is there a link between male heterosexual narcissts and an overly - I mean overly - close relationship with their mothers?

[@michellemccoy8569]

I live with mine she's a phycologist as I have comment before and she doesn't fight but she makes side comments that are nasty or blaming how do I put up with this

[@michaelmckay149]

Explain this is a BPD setting please?

[@mancdec]

Sadly sounds familiar 😑

[@metrowireless3381]

Im a shut in. Knowing what i know of people, Im always going to be a shut in. I thiught for a while, i could be fixed. I thought Id enjoy goin 14:01 g olaces again. But, That hasnt occured. More I lear, and Ive been a victim.of narcissism and thefts. Other cruelty. However Point is i just dont think Ill ever break the fact , Im a shut in. Watched a lot of these videos. Also into Sadhguru. The world favors these people. You can be beaten fown crushed on the inside for 50 years or actually a little more than t0 years, from your very first recollections, and then one day, you're just enough better to begin to learn and understand.

[@fred.k9875]

Please listen to: Forest Fire By: A-ha

[@rewilliams6855]

They are demonic

[@milliesmith8202]

yes only have to look in their eyes to see that

[@MasoudJohnAzizi]

Sharing another observation: The 3 emotions that Dr. Carter describes are also the 3 emotions that drove all of the prophets and founders of all religions known to man.

[@c.thompson9771]

Please, a factual addition is sorely required, that anger IS fear. Front to back, top to bottom, side to side. All answers are Within, always have been. There is satisfaction there, find it. ANY External is THE Test. So, if you do not believe in lessons, it will reverse these efforts to achieve yourself.

[@lindawest4580]

Doesn't every human being have narcissistic traits? Isn't that just one's flesh trying to run the show instead of trusting GOD? I've even had so -called Christian Healthcare assistants that manipulated, stole, destroyed, verbally abused and left me stranded at stores and lied to me and about me to others that I thought were my friends. Then left yet after a few months wanted to allow them to come back to help me. Telling them NO doesn't seem to compute in their mind. One worker has been trying for 2 yrs every time I see her in the apartment complex where I live. It's exhausting. As a disabled senior I could use some help yet now I don't trust the agencies anymore. Because of abuse issues in my life I was diagnosed with PTSD. Thought I had a handle on it until narcissists came along. I'm a veteran and at almost 73 I just want some peace and enjoy life.

[@angelacahill9460]

Yes, we all have some narcissistic traits. It can be healthy self-preservation. Healthcare aides come in a wide variety of people, from opportunists and downright criminals, to angels in disguise. I hope you find the angels and steer clear of the criminals!

[@rosspurvine1624]

Anger? Really? Desiring approval from others? Really? I've seen some of your videos, but this doesn't sound like a narcissist to me. Who is self-sufficient who doesn't need anybody? That's a very rare person, if there is a person who is like that at all. If somebody doesn't need anybody's love they still NEED TO LOVE. If somebody doesn't need needy love, how self-sufficient is that? It's totally self-sufficient. If you have access to Creation, where you have all your needs satisfied from Creation where you're not going to be a needy person to yourself or anybody, that connection with Creation is more precious than anything in the world, anything in the universe anywhere. Am I saying you're never going to feel needy? No, I'm not saying that at all. But you have the tools and techniques to feel better. You know what they are and you know how to apply them, and develop getting better at it. "because Creation is the immeasurable secret." Now if you can find out where that statement comes from originally, you'll be on your journey to finding the knowledge to set yourself free. How to connect with Creation? Here are some ways: good friends, nature connections, learning from nature, learning in general, directed life journey, research, other various tools and techniques of "truth, knowledge and wisdom." The basis of a narcissist is this " power-hungry selfishness and self-glorification"

[@lishmahlishmah]

*Loneliness, shock, needeness* . Dr C , unlike my usual, I'll make it short. (Well, not much). How do we empatethic people cope the decision of cutting all relations with these sick people ( = we abandon them in their desperation ) while we know more and more from every professional out there that they are abusive because they have been (and still are) more traumatized than us? In other words, we know the devastation they caused in our life and we know that , despite horrible childhood traumas and illnessess and financial thefts that ruined us , we (more or less) healthy people have good and bad parts, but we are still empatethic and we feel and think and behave with DRC... [ the conclusion to all this is necessarily, they have suffered even worse than us . and this conclusion is unbearable for me. and yet I must and want to save my life ] So, for me, and I believe for many empaths, the decision to cut them out is clear (and we are doing all the concrete steps in real life) if we want to recover and survive and heal... But, please, could you give us an idea of what is the right attitude, the feelings to look for inside ourselves, the thoughts to rationalize all that ? They are evil people. And they are desperate people. They don't know they are desperate but they are. Apart from religious and spiritual answers, are there other harbors to dock, for us empaths ? Thank you. in the last live i found an anchor, a mooring, in the *value* of honoring the people who died because of narcissistic abuse

[@MarleyLeMar]

One way to look at it is that it hurts them if we enable them by complying with their wishes. If we want what's best for an immature person, we allow them to experience the difficulties of life they need, rather than trying to rescue them from legitimate hardship, in the same way we want our children to mature. We need to do this in a loving way.

[@well_weathered]

​@@MarleyLeMarGreat point

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Lishmah, I plan to give you a reply. This is profound, and I'd like to ponder it and share my thoughts about this with our full community if that's ok with you. I'll keep it anonymous. Please contact me via [e-mail] and I'll give you an idea about how I intend to speak into this. It may be a couple of days before you hear back from me because I have some busyness, but you'll hear from me. Please know I am touched by your thoughts here. Dr. C

[@MarleyLeMar]

@@well_weathered Experience has been a good teacher.

[@lishmahlishmah]

@SurvivingNarcissism Ok dr C. I received your message and... I am touched too. I'll contact you. Yes, please, let's keep it anonymous.

[@rosspurvine1624]

Everybody's dependent on Creation. Don't be dependent on god if that particular dependency is not god's job. Terminology is important and it's been denied humans for 3,000 years. "Behold, Creation is above everything, above humanity, above god, above everything." You're not going to find that in any of the main stream texts around the last 3,000 years.