2 simple ways to avoid parental estrangement

[@Blb477]

❤ very much appreciated Chess..I appreciate being here. This helps to see I’m in the right space in my heart. I’ve been learning and practicing what boundaries are and aren’t. I didn’t realize how enmeshed and unhealthy my family dynamics were. It took several tower moments to get it. My health suffered. When u know better you do better. My little child thought that was what family was..up each others business. Its not. It wasn’t kind, loving or respectful. I’ve pulled back and told everyone what I need. Some can and some can’t and that’s ok. I’m not jumping to make them feel better anymore. We are each separate sovereign beings. I’m guarding my peace..that’s my freedom. I was the scapegoat/truth teller..no one wants to hear the truth so I stay away and live my best life. It’s their business. My path narrowed and it’s made all the difference. I can feel my little child breathe a sigh of relief. Thank you to all of you in this journey. Your success is my success and the collective conscienceness is being raised to a much better heart based level! 😅😅

[@tamiewert808]

I don’t know how I found you, but your videos are like a reassuring hug! ❤ from 🇨🇦

[@thescapegoatclub]

So glad to hear it, and thank you for watching!

[@IamBeautyBraeden]

1:41 1. Kindness 2. Good Boundaries

[@annecowart8612]

Your comment about how you feel and deal with a neighbor is a great parallel. This helped me.

[@thescapegoatclub]

I'm so glad it helped. Thanks for your comment, I appreciate knowing what is relatable. Wishing you well with whatever brings you here!

[@axelrobertsson9008]

This is very spot on. I’m starting therapy next month and hope it is possible to understand what healthy boundaries look like even after forty years of not being allowed to have any. A big hug from Sweden!

[@thescapegoatclub]

Hugs back to you! And you CAN do boundaries. It's a skill, but you know they are there by default of knowing you don't have them (if that makes sense). The work is learning to recognise them more quickly and to enforce them. You can do this!!!

[@joannesaltfleet2071]

Best thing to do is never expect anything from anyone!

[@JOHNTHEWHISK]

Neighbours aren't a good comparison, Chess. I'd be shocked if a grown child chose to estrange simply because their parents wanted to see them more. That is hardly abuse related. And one thing I haven't heard you mention yet, and apologies if you have mentioned it as I've only watched a few videos, is the fact that parental estrangement often is only against ONE parent, not both, and it's usually the mother. And when this happens, very often, the father has had a hand in it. It's an extention of parental alienation amongst split parents, where there was abuse in the marriage perpetuated by the father. The child is head worked for years by dad, slowly alienated against the mother, and by the time they're an adult, they estrange from mom, and they're not even sure why. If you look at stats on parental estrangement, most parents who are not seeing their kids are mothers, not fathers. They can't all be horrid narcs. This is often a sick extension of domestic abuse, where the child has been used as a weapon. Who gets the blame, though? Mom. And therapists can fail these adult children who seek help and understanding as to why they estranged, and the pain from that, by also pushing the narrative that Mom is a horrid narc, when she isn't.

[@WarriorStrong7278]

100%

[@thescapegoatclub]

Hi John, Thanks for your comment. I'm trying to understand it fully but am a bit lost. I get your part about not estranging because we want more time away from our parents and agree. I apologise if that's how the analogy came across to you. My point was much more than just time, it was more about living separately, having boundaries and healthy distance. I am confused about the rest of your comment. I think you are saying that parents can triangulate and cause rifts between another parent and child. Yes, I agree. I hope that most therapists wouldn't label a mother as a narcissist when the father had been the problem. What I have seen in my practice is that kids are very in tune with the dynamics at home. They know which parent is safe, or safer, than another. They also know when one parent isn't the main problem, but also won't protect them from the other. I hear a lot of mothers say they weren't the problem, but their ex was and has poisoned the kids against them. I do have some sympathy, but also, it's up to each parent to manage their relationship with their kid. Ultimately saying 'another person made me do it' or 'my ex screwed up my relationship with my children' rarely works. We have to take responsibility for our parts in the relationship. That's adulting and parenting.