3 habits that kill your confidence | Shadé Zahrai | TEDxMonashUniversity

Habits are a double-edged sword - they can be the reason for our success, our happiness and our fulfilment… or the very things that undermine our confidence and sabotage us from progress. We know from volumes of research that there are specific behaviours that we unknowingly engage in that completely kill out confidence and block our advancement. Having spent countless hours with hundreds of teams from startups to Fortune 500s globally, Shadé Zahrai has observed clear behavioural and cognitive patterns that distinguish those who are successful (and happy) from those who aren’t… and most of the time it comes down to habits. This talk is an eye-opener designed to help you to recognise which self-destructive habits you’ve unknowingly succumbed to, and importantly to know how to climb out of the self-imposed self-doubt traps to reach your highest potential.
Shadé Zahrai is an award-winning leadership strategist and global peak performance consultant to Fortune 500s. A former commercial lawyer that transitioned to a successful career in banking and strategy consulting, now with her husband she runs Influenceo Global Inc., a leadership development, consulting & research firm that works with some of the world’s largest organisations. Widely respected for her thought leadership and actionable bite-sized personal and professional development content on social media, Shadé has amassed a global community of over 2.6 million followers across platforms and her content has been viewed over 60 Million times. Her and her husband Faysal are passionate about empowering individuals to overcome their self-limits and confidently create a life worth living. This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at www.ted.com/tedx

[@bogdanb32]

Key points: 1. Failure to start/procrastination -> Just start, begin with the smallesr action possible towards your goal 2. Serial failure to finish -> Find the meaning/the why and use that to pull you towards your goal 3. Hedonic treadmill/never feeling like it's enough -> Understand that you are not your work. Meditate. Pause. Be grateful. Stop comparing yourself.

[@austinking3476]

Thank you for posting the main points... I hate people gatekeeping information

[@vkrgfan]

Procrastination is freedom is the only time when you spend time for yourself doing nothing.

[@houda1168]

Thank you so much ❤❤❤❤

[@user-os9bd7su1w]

Thankyou 😊

[@hadadimanar1866]

Thank you 🙌

[@MarcoSanderCoaching]

Confidence isn’t “I know they’ll like me”, it’s “I’m okay if they don’t”.

[@sidsid8867]

Than what!!!!!! How would you define the CONFIDENCE

[@youropiniondoesnotmatter]

​@Sid Sid he already said it. Confidence is "I'm okay with not being liked, I don't need external approval". That's how I understood his comment.

[@bisiriyu]

Well said

[@tiniet2238]

Isn’t it self-esteem?

[@Kholaslittlespot1]

@@tiniet2238 lots of different forms of everything

[@domcity11]

Procrastinate due to fear of failure 😢😢 You pointed out very well.

[@ShadeZahrai]

It’s wonderful to see that the analogy of the Three Mind Pits is hitting home. Thank you for the beautiful comments! 🙏 When Faysal (my husband) and I were brainstorming the topic we agreed that without overcoming self-doubt no one can truly live their full potential. We hope there’s something in this talk that connects with you and inspires you to get unstuck. Thank you to TEDx for the opportunity to share this message. In case you’re curious, here’s the research underpinning this talk: • Knowing-doing Gap (Pfeffer & Sutton, 2000). • Rumination and Overthinking (Joubert, Moulds, Werner‐Seidler, Sharrock, Popovic & Newby, 2022). • Upward Counterfactual Thinking (Broomhall, Phillips, Hine & Low, 2017; Hedgcock, Luangrath, & Webster, 2021; Medvec, Madey & Gilovich, 1995 Broomhall, Phillips, Hine & Loi, 2017). • Neural Impacts of Social Rejection (Eisenberger, Lieberman & Williams, 2003). • Cognitive Reframing (Crum, 2021). • Meaning-Motivation Link (Molden & Dweck, 2000). • Productivity Orientation (Keinan & Kivetz, 2008).

[@aplausos2]

Thanks so much to you and your husband! Kudos 👏 on your work!

[@navdeeptyagizero]

Your words have similarity to what Krishn Bhagwan have said in Bhagwat Gita.

[@ShadeZahrai]

@@aplausos2 thank you! We’re so happy it resonated 🙏🙏

[@ShadeZahrai]

@@navdeeptyagizero You're absolutely correct! A lot of what we know in science today actually comes from ancient philosophers and spiritual teachers. Although they used different methods, their insights are still applicable today. They also believed in the interconnectedness of all things, which is a concept that modern science is only beginning to fully grasp. Not only that, some of the concepts in modern physics have their roots in ancient spiritual and philosophical traditions. The wisdom of the past remains valuable in helping us learn and uncover new knowledge 🧡

[@ssanjay5281]

The way you explain is just amazing!

[@lupechacon-florez7520]

OK I have to listen to this a few more times. I have entered a cycle of procrastination that has me feeling desperate and depressed. This is ridiculous because this is not who I used to be. This advice is extremely important. It’s just what I needed. Thank you.

[@huiliyang6783]

I’m experiencing the same situation. I always wonder why I’ve lost all my motivations. What this talk inspires me the most is instead of focusing on the loss of motivations, think about “What can I do to get excited about it”.

[@ms.d5195]

Hope you are doing ok!

[@yashduggal918]

I absolutely love Shadé and the way she explains concepts. I am truely inspired! Thank you Shadé!

[@ankitporwal5760]

I am expecting this type ofcomment from An India 😂😂😂

[@Kholaslittlespot1]

@@ankitporwal5760 🤔

[@user-de7zm9pr5w]

TEDx talks are smth which we always look for.. Thank you TEDx ❤️

[@nguyenlebuuthanh1699]

That's great to know why I feel exhausted sometimes. I always think that it could never enough for me and I have to make myself spend more time on my studying. Your video gives me a lot positive energy. I have learnt that I should "just do it" and stop thinking too much or comparing my journey to anyone. As you said "Excellece then is not an act but a habit" Thank you for inspiring me💗

[@timothyadegboyega6199]

This is one of the video i have watched that has refused to leave my mind. It keeps playing over and over in my mind. I saw where i have been getting it wrong and thst has made my life crawling. Thanks for this

[@tonamultimedia]

Self-doubt can be developed from parental or any significant others disapproval. Those people are the most important self-confidence builders.

[@rob1016ny]

No. You are the most important to “self” You the person that will tell someone else “you messed up my self esteem” You gotta go listen to Katt Williams and stop being “simple”. Lol.

[@ebipbop]

I think is really true but at the end as Shade says, once you are consciouss that your life is only yours, you have to change the narrative and the beliefs you have about yourself. Trying to allign with confidence is a decision and an inner work.

[@mitrofanoleg6876]

😂 ДЕНЬ НЕЗАВИСИМОСТИ... ЭСТОНИИ -КЕРСТИ КАЛЬЮЛАЙД 5 ЧАСОВ 😂

[@mitrofanoleg6876]

😂😂.... ДЕНЬ НЕЗАВИСИМОСТИ... ЭСТОНИИ -КЕРСТИ КАЛЬЮЛАЙД 5 ЧАСОВ 😢

[@sodiyaraymond274]

Especially if you adore such a one! 😢

[@iaintsaynomore5329]

I have been in self doubt lately it's refreshing this came on my timeline,it definitely reminds I can change my narrative and I have the power to do it for true self

[@rishi2866]

This talk beautifully summarizes the reasons for me be hesitant and stuck. Thank you Shade for your guidance, its time to act now!!! 😎

[@ChoicesGamez]

I love this. I use that analogy. Watching my son trying to walk 10 years ago,motivated me to never give up.

[@jadidhaque9778]

Failure to launch has been my bane all my life. Thank you for pointing this out, hopefully even after failing many times later in life. I can start, continue and reach my target successfully 🙌

[@somayehkhatibi2060]

Oh, wow, it was the best talk about self doubt and how to manage it. All I needed today. Thank you so much Shade ❤️

[@funnytv-1631]

While healthy relationships are a part of your journey, so is solitude. Have you created time to spend with yourself lately? Really tune in and just be? There is one relationship at the core of all others: you-to-you.

[@SurajYadav-py6ls]

That's true nothing is more important than our healthy relationship

[@jazzandbooks]

Yes! I wholeheartedly agree

[@KevlarKoat]

@ReallyReally Are you broken because you're alone, or alone because you're broken? Did you have countless negative thoughts in that time that you now have to counter in order to develop a healthy philosophy? I lived 32 years avoiding people due to cPTSD, social anxiety disorder, and depression on the edge of suicide. Solitude was a symptom of my illness which inevitably led me to psychological awareness through introspection. After 3 years of personal development, now I'm ready to go beyond my 9 to 5 job and excel in business and creative work.

[@igorbolev1553]

Of course. Until you’re out of your pubertate 😂

[@moveonvillain1080]

Solitude.... It's a sweet poison. Get used to it too much and it's all you ever want, nothing but being left alone.

[@emranh]

I love the way she broke these three issues down in their simplest forms. I really needed this at this point in my life.

[@httv8677]

it's happen to me now and thanks God I watch this. Alhamdulillah

[@evanr648]

So well spoken, thanks for this!

[@BenUkulele]

Thank you for sharing this! This is what I need right now. I've been struggling with low self-esteem all my life and have been holding up a lot of plans due to indecisiveness. Thank you again. You are beautiful.

[@ebipbop]

I really felt identified with the 3 cases and the most important thing I learnt from this video is about *changing the narrative*. It is so important how our inner communication desenvolves with our reality and how our words have great impact in reality. We are what we do, so in order to change your life you have to change your actions. Right now I was feeling kind of demotivated to finish some video edits for my work because sometimes I feel is dull or boring but that exact thought is what I change now. It is actually fun because it is a video of a very important person in my country and also is part of my journey to become a better video editor and be able to work professionaly for Hollywood, Netflix, HBO. That is my goal and also to enjoy the process. Because it is so beatuful to see how things bloom when you put your energy to it. Thank you so much Shade

[@mateoneedham6807]

Perfect talk. Thanks 1,000,000 for sharing your work.

[@mariana23273]

Hello Dear. Thank you for sharing such useful advice. I began my journey to reinvent myself a year ago, and I'm now living healthier, more confident, and stronger, earning six figures, and having time to enjoy family and friends. I'm happier now because I'm living my life for myself. This is to encourage someone that "you may start whenever you want to have a reset, it's worth it!" I'm trying to keep growing since it's a journey💚💚💚

[@melbavic23712]

Congratulations Mariana 🎊🎊Thanks for encouraging others with your story, I will love to get tips from you too.

[@mariana23273]

@@melbavic23712 Change your mindset, read self-help books, expand knowledge, budget and don't spend on impulse, save, take your finances seriously, eat healthy, exercise your body, meditate; the list goes on... I hope it is useful to you.

[@marlena408]

That is so amazing!! Thank you for sharing your story. I really hope it inspires another lady out there to start taking action♥♥♥

[@nicolajessica]

@@mariana23273 How did you grow to 6 Figure? I'm honestly trying to work on my personal finance this year.

[@mariana23273]

I learnt to be frugal, minimal on spending, saving and paying myself first through Investing, made Plans, growing passive income, Read a lot of books on finance, followed my plan consistently.

[@vivayo4588]

THANK YOU SHADE! You have helped me more with this 11 minutes video than my therapist in 3 years.

[@beverlycrane4502]

You have a great gift for explaining things in a way that is easy to grasp. I took full notes in different colors, that I plan to keep and read in my daily planner. I feel like you have thrown me a life saver because I am ADHD❤

[@zinaali6770]

ADHD can be a blessing in disguise, once I understood it’s impact on me, I decided to use it to my advantage. People with ADHD tend to be more creative , and we do great when we do things that speaks to our heart. We fail to focus when things are too boring for us, so I started to delegate the things that I can’t do instead of beating myself up and to pay more attention to what I can accomplish.

[@p2squared]

@@zinaali6770 I love your comment! I'll start doing this

[@thanviHimanshu]

@@zinaali6770 that's actually true, I realized this very late which was bleaking my self esteem for such a long time.

[@behnamanisi1]

I have the same problem right now :(

[@adamanthony7465]

Now please tell this forum what else are you beyond ADHD🕯️

[@ranashivam1782]

I love her as the way she deliver the knowledge and talk.. nd voice

[@justinsugay1149]

Grateful that you spent less time on why we are this way and more time on how to overcome it. I hesitate to watch videos like these anymore because so many of them start out so negative and our minds are so impressionable that I want to filter out any possible negative programming. Took some good notes. Time to implement. Thank you!

[@ShadeZahrai]

I'm so happy you found value in the approach we took Justin, focusing more on overcoming challenges rather than dwelling on the reasons behind them. There's a lot of information out there about the 'why', so we like to provide tangible, actionable guidance on what can be done for positive behaviour change. I love that you took notes! Wishing you all the best on your journey towards growth and positive change!

[@gandhi1891]

Her voice is so soothing

[@chittibabu7909]

Dear ShadeZahrai, the rich content and the lively explanation make this talk equal to the course matter in a 200 page book worth its weight in gold. Your knowledge, perseverance, presentation skills and humility are such a wonderful combination that we thank KZbin for bringing you to us. May you continue to excel in what we do! Thank you so much!

[@shoppinmadnesz22]

*This woman has the smoothest, most eloquent voice. I can listen to her all day*

[@Abhishek-yk5rk]

I found everything in this video deeply researched and articulately explained. We need to get out of this Knowing-Doing Trap.

[@mustaphalogbi1965]

It sounds like you're living with me right now. I'm putting all what I do under doubts because I feel like I'm not moving forward despite what I achieved in the last 8 years, a MBA and PMP, a wonderful experience in with an amazing team but it always seems to me like I'm stuck somewhere and it doesn't feel like me or home inside😢. I'll try to get better with the valuable advice that you just gives us. Thanks Shadé.❤

[@yamilvogeld.2385]

This 11 minutes are pure gold!! Thank you

[@kosmickae]

All of these habits describe me. Thank you for this 🙏🏼

[@indikajayasekara9780]

Thanks. Yes, agreed, overthinking definitely kills the confidence. Other tips are also very important.

[@eggxecution]

This has always been my main problem, there's a solution to this and you might already know it: "just do it". People will call you unworthy, lazy, pull you down, don't listen to them. Just mind your own business and "just do it". But remember to also take rest and stay in balance. Don't stay at one end because either you will be lazy or burned out due to overworking. Remember, balance.

[@tusharkantmishra8736]

You are serving a great purpose of making people peaceful, perseverant, and more productive.

[@laguirre94]

Shade is awesome. I love her content, mostly on communication.

[@ujd2930]

Unbelievable...it's like you've stepped into my head ! I'm glad I found this video !

[@yganeshbabu]

Thank you madam Zahrai and TEDx for the amazing information.

[@prashantjagtap7710]

Shadé is undoubtedly one of the best motivational & charismatic speaker I have come across. Thanks for what you are doing!

[@Onlyme2015]

SHADE = Westernized Liberal Muslim women. u know the type that thinks being " westernized" is being modern and free (lmao).

[@TheFinanceHobbyist]

Thank you Shadé! To anyone out there who is doubting the success of what you'd like to do: just try. Recently I've started my own KZbin journey after years of thinking about it. It's a lot of work, but deciding to break free from procrastination and just get going is so deliberating!

[@ShadeZahrai]

How wonderful for you! Wishing you all the best on the journey of building a community and having an impact on KZbin!

[@sofiaquirosgonzalez6200]

Thank you so much for this. I' m going through a diffucult time right now and this video is just what I needed.

[@christopherbarrett9900]

Wow, incredible. I see myself in many of these areas of confidence killers, it's a tough pill to swallow and the work starts with trying something in a new way.

[@MaarioTilico]

This video is amazing, wow! I consider that I learned more now about things I knew I was doing wrong, but was consciously avoiding making them right! Thank youuu!

[@dhruvalsharma9902]

This is too good. Wonderful analogy and I can completely relate to everything you said. Thank you for sharing. This is valuable.

[@kashifahm7]

Dear Shade, You have truly inspired me. I have started smiling and that's the beginning right?

[@sebastianbrinezcorrea3527]

I'm going to watch this video 100 times un order to acquire all the valuable information it has. 🙌

[@NiranjanKirdat]

I had to watch the entire video again because i was so mesmerised by her eyes that i ended up googling "how to make your eyes shine?". great video

[@NancySolariLivingFullOut]

Great TedTalk! Comparing and doubting ourselves is the thief of joy!

[@adamanthony7465]

On a twenty year journey to helping my people. Thank you for the update.

[@vnaykmar7]

The skill of articulation you have is top notch.

[@EnayetChowdhuryOfficial]

Really a conceptually fresh TED Talk after such a long time.

[@nileshsahu6023]

I am happy for you that you did this research and I appreciate the fact that we all can learn and upgrade our lives from the points that youve mentioned. - Your Eternal Fan

[@gauravsinghbedi6536]

Thank You Shade ...God Bless You

[@semsmeb9745]

very strong speech, thank you from my heart

[@AnkitKumar4u]

Thank you, I needed that most 🙏🏽

[@thanhn6170]

Thank you for a new perspective on discipline. Commit to taking meaningful breaks. The idea is insanely helpful. I've suffered from hyper focus, and I easily got burned out. Hence, I'm afraid of work because once I start, I feel like I can't stop and it damages my health. I feel like the idea opens to me a new set of challenges in my life that is healthy and feels good.

[@jeffreysmith4586]

This is really helpful for me right now. Thank you so much!

[@shazzaonline]

Great talk! And it really hit home for me today. I needed to hear this. Thank you

[@brando3023]

It was one of the best speeches I've listened to. I'm guilty of these behaviours

[@thuaphi]

Thank you so much Shadé Zahrai ❤❤❤❤

[@arielho9189]

Thank you so much for this video! It's simple and easy to understand. Exactly what I need at this point! Looking forward to more of your videos!

[@bhalla_rishav]

thanks for these wonderful tips. i think failing to start is my biggest problem. i read plenty of books but never implement them in real life. thanks for giving me some hope. i really admire you

[@Yram0018]

I’ve been watching these lately because I’ve been feeling so low on my self esteem! Thanks!

[@blueheroine2468]

Thank you so much Shadé Zahrai. That was really helpful♡

[@ni27684]

Thank you so much! I needed this!!!!

[@donaldmeckanzy]

Wow! This is prolific! I'm still wondering how I manage to create these strategies I live my life by and then listen to a talk or read a book by an expert and find out they got their from research. I'm guessing I'm more self aware and living intentionally. I'm grateful.

[@pridhisoni3789]

Dunno why but this video srsly made me emotional 😢 It was so inspiring! thank you shade ❤

[@unstoppableyou7916]

Wow, I find this comment incredibly insightful. It's fascinating to consider that self-doubt is not inherent but rather something we develop as we grow older. The example of a 12-month-old learning to walk really emphasizes this point. I appreciate how the Shadé Zahrai not only explains how self-doubt is learned but also provides practical solutions to help overcome it. The idea of mind pits is particularly valuable in recognizing when we're stuck in certain thought patterns. I can personally relate to the Failure to Launch and Destination Obsession mind pits, and it's comforting to know that there are ways to overcome them. Thank you for sharing your knowledge and experience with us!

[@ShadeZahrai]

Glad it resonated!

[@mitrofanoleg6876]

😂 ДЕНЬ НЕЗАВИСИМОСТИ.... ЭСТОНИИ -КЕРСТИ КАЛЬЮЛАЙД 5 ЧАСОВ 😂

[@moorbool1346]

I needed this. Thank you for your contribution

[@1nOnlySB]

just wonderful and on-point! Thank you!

[@simaroyaich-kf2vu]

A checking of the reality for sure👍

[@CM-qh4wj]

I'm so grateful you've simplified an enormous challenge I struggle with in life down to manageable and sensible solutions. Thank you many times over💛💛💛

[@fatematujjohoranirma]

Truly inspired! Thank you very much!

[@AImaniaX]

This is so so powerful and amazing to me! Thank you! ❤

[@joshkendra7788]

So many great thought processes!

[@supertheb3st_]

Thank you so much, your beauty kept me 100% focused and I've learned so much. Thank you so much😊

[@ranveer10]

Thank you. It was really helpful. I did not know the difference between laziness and procrastination but always thought I'm not lazy 😀.

[@rendydwi_]

how much i grateful with this video! thanks for sharing TED

[@RichardNobel]

*Summary* with timestamps. ✏️ Three self-doubt mind pits that limit confidence: 2:31 *Failure to Launch* (the knowing-doing trap), rumination and overthinking. - "What if I fail?", "What if I'm underqualified?", "What if I've missed something?" 3:44 *Treading Water* (failing to finish what we start). - Hesitation, losing interest, seeking greener grass, getting bored. 4:54 *Destination Obsession* - You set an exciting goal; put in the work & discipline to achieve it. Only to derive a short burst of pleasure, followed by a lack of fulfilment. So you immediately set the next goal. - Feeling like you've never done enough. ============================== 💡 *How do you free yourself and avoid falling in?* ============================== 6:38 *Failure to Launch* + Shift your internal narrative (inner/mental chatter). Next time you catch yourself thinking: "I can't do this." => redirect to "How could I make this happen?" + Shift "I should do this" or "I have to do that" to: "I get to do this" or "I choose to do that". + Instead of combating disempowering thoughts, redirect your mind to empowering language that reflects personal control. 💪 + Finally, move from "why" to "what": instead of "Why don't I feel motivated?" ask yourself "What can I do to get excited about getting this done?" + ⚠ It's vital that the reframing is immediately followed by action! 9:10 *Treading Water* + If you find yourself stuck in this mind pit, schedule time to reflect on WHY you're doing what you're doing. ("For the sake of what?") 9:38 *Destination Obsession* + When you're aware of this unhealthy doubt-driven behavior, remind yourself of the irrefutable truths that: > You are not your work. > Your worth is not entirely a reflection of your achievements. and > You're not going to find lasting contentment on the hedonic treadmill of achievement. + Instead, set boundaries for yourself. Lastly, if you notice yourself feeling inadequate due to comparing your current reality to someone else's? Shift the narrative. Say: "I'm happy for this person. What can I learn from their Journey?" 🧠 _You can unlearn [self-doubt] through creating new, healthier habits and tapping into the power of neuroplasticity that rewires your brain._

[@Maahir310]

Wait! I hope u do book review. If not, u really need to start! By thr way, thank so much

[@MilindSingh1994]

Thanks for writing these down. Very grateful to you :)

[@user-ud7qw8jx5y]

Thanks man 😊

[@caaspirantrahul7243]

Thanks

[@dineshms7667]

Thanks

[@seekerowl3260]

Definitely something I will work towards, thank you.

[@airlinepilot87]

Exactly what I needed. Thank you!

[@biodunayomide3819]

Thank you a lot Ted!

[@skillenhancer5521]

The way you have framed the whole narration of your video is mind blowing 🤟😎

[@tannukumari4023]

I am very grateful to you for your awareness❤😊

[@Shmitty2023]

I'm glad u did this TEDx Talk

[@Rebecca-xw4ji]

I really enjoyed this talk. Thank you!

[@younglife6687]

I definitely have less self-doubt after watching a perfectly made video, from a extremely good speaker, telling me about people that are hyper talented. I just don't understand how researchers like Shadé are able to overlook that by building on the narrative that YOU can do it, it is all up to You ("change YOUR narrative") they might try to booster self-confidence but are just creating self-doubt in the next second. This is part of neoliberal thinking that lets' us internally attribute everything: our successes and failures. So you can't just have on side of the coin. If you booster self-confidence, you booster self-doubt as well.

[@AM-tq7qy]

how is this free? Truly inspiring thank you!

[@emadaldougleh6927]

Omg...i used to watch shorts of shadé last year... I'm happy that she's made it this far to do a Ted talk... good 4 u

[@citizenofkurtistown]

Actually it's her 3rd ted talk😄

[@megatron2349]

IM OBSESSED WITH THIS WOMEN❤

[@markb4434]

you must be obsessed with that rediculous accent

[@naveenwanigasundara2206]

Beautiful and well explained. Nice Presentation Dr.Shadé Zahrai.❤❤💯

[@nitesh8900]

You are each and every word I have I have I am feeling from last one and half years...😊

[@GajulaSaikumar-ju7rl]

Best tedx talk i have seen till now

[@NowIKnow8]

You are extremely articulate. Well done!👏👏

[@StayVCA98]

Thank you for this, as it is a need of ours is all!! 🥹

[@tayef9549]

I absolutely love Shadé Zahrai and the way she explains concepts. I am truely inspired! watched a good TED talk after a long time which seemed a bit fresh conceptual ❤ 1:54

[@naweendanushka3358]

Impressive, thanks for your valuable advices

[@BrigSushilBhasin]

Absolutely incredible. Loved the powerful TIPS