3 Subconscious Reasons the Fearful Avoidant Experiences Jealousy & What to Do!

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3 Subconscious Reasons the Fearful Avoidant Experiences Jealousy & What to Do!
- What is jealousy made up of?
- Jealousy as a trauma response
- How to create wholeness and release jealousy
- How the fearful avoidant experiences jealousy
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Thank you for watching!

[@martinrehout9121]

I think one of the biggest deals for FAs is when they feel insecure in relationship because of their partners behavior and they don't communicate it. Oftentimes that jealousy is even justified to a degree because FAs can often let their partner get away with a lot without setting boundaries as that's truly not their forte.

[@caitm8209]

I so agree with this. It's as if I won't even register that anything feels wrong in the moment. I notice that things are wrong in hindsight, but in the moment I tend to just always have this status quo mode. Like someone could be holding a gun to my head and I would be like, "okay, this is what we are doing right now, no problem, I will just roll with it, everything is fine". Only later would I be like well human beings are dangerous and I should really live in a hole somewhere where nobody can find me. Rather than recognizing the facts and dealing with the issues.

[@meder07]

Dissociation and closing down emotionally. It's been a safe protection mechanism but disastrous for emotional intelligence and regulation. Linked to questioning trust with a partner this has caused me many missed opportunities for improving loving relationships. Doing the work, PDS is part of that.

[@NuunMoon]

@Martin @Cait accurate!!!

[@ruthpamela2024]

I completely agree

[@ffk90]

Exactly. I could be very jealous and needed a lot of reassurance. Not because he flirted with other women or anything like that, it didn't had anything to do with other people, but because he made it very clear with his actions that I wasn't a priority in his life. I didn't know this at the moment, I even looked for a therapist to deal with this on my own because I thought I was crazy, but in hindsight I just didn't feel safe with him. I should have left sooner.

[@TheSaz16]

Thank you for this, I’m a FA and jealously is my biggest trigger and the most painful emotionally. I’ve lost so many days in that crippling emotion.

[@caitm8209]

Yes. DAYS. It is rough.

[@mrbotitas18]

Samee

[@florenceofori7930]

Me too. My biggest trigger. Just suffered for about 2 weeks because of this. Got to a point that even a conversation about it with my SO was triggering.

[@bakedmoments6959]

F.A. here. Yep! Jealousy is a huge green monster following me. Almost like a shadow whispering to me that I will, most definitely, be betrayed. It. sucks. It sucks not allowing myself to be fully present in my relationship especially when I've got a great partner. BUT, having been in the PDS program, this LOUD feeling of jealousy or trauma response (like a vortex sucking you back to your wounded childhood self) gets more and more quiet, and the monster gets smaller and smaller. There is a way out of this painful cycle and feeling in my personal experience. Thank you Thais for changing lives !

[@iloveTool]

Please make more videos on fearful avoidants :) You are the best person on KZbin at explaining this attachment style. I'm fearful avoidant and struggle a lot dating because of it. The thought processes you describe here are literally me every time I've felt jealous, it feels like such a betrayal/hurt and that I don't matter to the other person.

[@MellowBellow1]

From the perspective of the secure partner. .... the jealous rages are monstrous to encounter. I never engage in jealous provocation. But I’ve been criticised for talking to strangers for two minutes. ... it’s like a coward punch when the rage descends. Literally no warning over the most harmless interaction. It’s terrifying. It’s embarrassing. I’ve been yelled at in the street when I’m walking home WITH the FA. It’s frightening and out of control. I get blamed and accused and screamed at. And it’s NEVER acknowledged as not ok by the FA. I explain and reassure. But I’m dealing with a meltdown as well as being falsely accused of wrongdoing. Yet I am told I am adored and loved and showered with affection otherwise. It’s so full on. It’s exhausting to manage the “flip”.

[@kyliekrisp7201]

I almost started something with an FA. He was so confusing with the push/pull behaviour. One day a female coworker asked me to have coffee with her and he got so jealous he sabotaged what we had been working on for months. I couldn't believe someone could be jealous over something so insignificant. Probably for the best that I walked away.

[@caitm8209]

Does any other FA fear "going crazy" and does jealousy make you feel like you are capable of going crazy? I hate jealousy so much. Logically it doesn't make any sense to me. I rarely feel it but when it is triggered it is like my brain has officially broken and I can not get control of it. 😭

[@skwerl81]

Yup, I've had some ugly jealousy bouts in the past! Feels like something else takes control (which it does, it's the trauma trance!)... I am hoping that learning about this and working on myself will help

[@Thebrowniebaloo]

Witnessing your/our struggle with love

[@TheSaz16]

Yes, I’m FA and it’s the most intense feeling I experience. It brings up lots of dark thoughts and controlled my life for days sometimes or longer. I’ve started to rationalise it, it’s a bit better and this channel has gave me so much clarity.

[@caitm8209]

In the last year jealousy was giving me panic attacks. It was really bad. I thought maybe it was an after effect of trying hormonal BC, which will send me into what feels like psychotic episodes of jealousy. Continued to a lesser degree after going off. It was really bad though. I swear I used to be DA, never felt jealousy until I started dating people with DA attachment styles. But maybe it is because their deactivating strategies really do cause clear concern amd my anxiety is just spiraling something valid way over the top. Don't know if I should just avoid intimacy at this point or what. It feels like the only thing I can do right now in order to avoid these really horrific effects.

[@TheSaz16]

Cait M I’m so sorry to hear that. From what I understand dating a DA can cause you move to anxious side. I think you just need to take things slow and use these time to get more clarity in understanding your core wounds and also reach out to friends or a helpline to talk if you need too. Take care.

[@missqable]

I had a big problem with jealousy, and it seems to be manageable now. It took lots of work and talking with the partner to see where the issue was. I stopped looking for the signs of me not being worthy from the relationship. I still have bunch of other areas where I am not confident, but I think it's much better now

[@JGrant_7217]

That is awesome... Are you still improving? I only recently began diving into why I constantly find myself in the same situation relationship after relationship and have been learning so much after discovering this channel its like she's speaking directly to me it's crazy

[@cpiek7611]

Intro ends at 2:02

[@florenceofori7930]

I thought I was the only one. I hope to heal from my trust traumas soon enough and show my subconscious mind that she doesn't have to panic because I will always be here for her no matter what, and that it's okay to trust myself and trust people, especially my partner. I will also work on strengthening my boundaries. Thank you Thais.

[@HeroicMermaids98]

I’ve been waiting for this one, TURN IT UP!

[@gabyr4641]

Thank you. I love these videos!!

[@shannonvoss3376]

Thank you for uploading this, I have this attachment style and today I've been struggling with some jealousy issues.

[@Toembo]

Thank you for posting these Thais! I can relate so hard with these and it makes me feel secure knowing that its just a pattern and not me.

[@Sysysilas]

I needed to hear this today thank you so much

[@Winterlandzzz]

You have a great gift on this whole subject and how you eloquently you have explained the FA and jealousy factor is really impressive because it feels like "understood" for us FAs 🌻

[@Anna-ti1ex]

I struggle a lot with jealousy, but my partner is a mostly recovered dismissive avoidant so before therapy, my anxious side came out more with him. Our relationship had been in a really good place for a year after we took a few months break and worked on ourselves, and I think I got to a point where I was so anxious that things had been good for so long and I didn't trust it, and I went through his phone looking specifically for key words in his texts about other women or my name etc. I had not done that in years, and I know it was very wrong, but I found him talking about this or that "hot" girl with his brother and it's driven me absolutely mad. The jealousy and rage is so intense, even though in my rational mind I know it was really not that bad and that I'm more the problem than he is for snooping in the first place. That was months ago and I have not brought it up to him, but it pops into my head often and keeps triggering me. It is especially painful because before I was with him, I was in a long-term relationship with another FA who cheated on me constantly, had a complete double life, and eventually left me for another girl after I had our child, but before I found any of that out I looked through his laptop and found messages with his friends quite similar to the ones my current partner was texting. So it's hard for me not to think that what happened to me before won't happen again. Does anyone have any idea on how to navigate this situation?

[@Ryan-ob6gp]

Bottom line, the question will be if he feels fulfilled enough in the relationship not to cheat. If you're constantly questioning his motivations and he has no idea why, that lack of communication alone is a wedge between you. Not to put this all on you - if either of you is chronically unsatisfied in the relationship and cannot reconcile it, it's cause to either go to couples therapy or find a new relationship where you both can be vulnerable. You probably sense that you won't be able to stay regulated and calm if you confront him in real time wondering if he might possibly have the capacity to sleep around. In terms of an idea in this case I'd recommend taking your time writing him a letter/email, spending time on it, coming back every couple days to double check the things you wrote are a: fair and b: what you mean to communicate, without too much emotional language. To be sent only when you can read it through without getting emotionally worked up inside. Be clear and sober with yourself about what language you actually saw, and what likelihood there is that admitting he is attracted to other women in private indicates a problem. Does he have wide swaths of unexplained time away from you where he *could* be engaging in all of this sofar-imagined physicality? All things to really consider. As a guy, I'm just saying, we could be in the most satisfying relationship in the world and still whisper to our guy friends how incredibly hot a random girl on the elevator may have been. There's usually a massive leap between that wink nudge between dudes whose deep lizard brains want to f*ck everything and actually getting down with a woman outside our long term partner. Say you realize checking his messages was a breach of trust. If he's a poor communicator as well, ask him to take his time emailing back. No doubt the previous terrible experience was traumatizing for you, and that sounds like a terrible situation, but that trauma doesn't speak to this situation necessarily. Just keep in mind that a huge swath of committed male partners wouldn't be so saintly as to rebuke even a conversation about 'hot' girls. Like so many things, sadly, it's all going to be about honest, vulnerable conversation and understanding.

[@me-lr1vs]

It's relieving to understand myself better. I feel the changes and its good. It's nice to be among other FA'S and know I'm not alone and/or that it's not just in my head. Hi gang!!

[@alexblue7126]

I’m an FA and I surrounded myself with toxic friendships, because I believe that I’m not good enough for healthy friendships. If I cut off these toxic friendships I won’t have anyone and I’ll start being desperate. I’m very ashamed of this, so I just keep my “friends” and allow myself to get hurt. How do I make my situation better?

[@meganmcwilliams1873]

First off Alex, don’t feel ashamed. I think A LOT of people deal with this bc they don’t want to feel lonely, which is a normal reaction bc you’re trying to get a need met. I went through something similar, when we didn’t talk to each other anymore, it was a bit lonely, but I’m gonna tell you it’s gotta rain to make a rainbow. I’m in a much better place now with them out of my life. My advice is to cut them out and truly work through core issues that pertain to keeping them around, but I know that can be a little daunting at first. So here is what I would say is an easier way to ease into it. Wean off of your friends. Still chill or talk, but make it a point to go and hangout/talk to ppl you feel are healthy for you. That way you’re never really “alone.” Eventually (hopefully) you will see that the healthy ppl care and it will make it a lot easier to stand up for yourself and either leave your toxic friends or at least start setting healthy boundaries for them. I know you might not believe me, but everyone deserves to be happy in their life. And that includes you. In all reality pat yourself on the back for even making that realization and being that self-aware. I think you contemplating this to begin with is your mind telling you that you are ready to take that next step forward. Hopefully this helps...

[@rubyanaya126]

Thank you 😊 💓

[@Thebrowniebaloo]

Thank you so much Thais. This couldn't have come at a better time. I am struggling with severe bouts of jealousy of my partner's ex-wife at the moment (which wasn't helped by the fact I found out recently he had confided in her about how he finds me "too much" after we'd had an argument) Big time feelings of betrayal and distrust after that! Nice to know I'm not crazy and just playing out my trauma responses. Much love to you xx

[@lisabeaumont]

Quite honestly, even the most secure person would have every reason to be angry that her partner was discussing her with his ex! He needs to knock that shit off! No matter how much you’re “too much”, him bitching about you behind your back - and to his ex of all people - is not OK. A book that helped me to better understand the secure attachment style is Attached by Levine & Heller. A secure person would not be ok with what your partner did, but they’d probably address it differently to you - learn a secure style and then you’ll know if your partner is responding to what you’re actually saying to them, or if they’re reacting to HOW you’re saying it. I wish you the best. xx

[@florenceofori7930]

I really understand and I would have felt threatened and betrayed too, with so many intense feelings from nowhere rushing in.

[@purplemidnight1571]

I'm fa my partner is da both of us are working on ourselves in different ways but are making progress! I've been working on myself for the last about 8 months and I would have never been able to get this far without your channel, thais! Big thank you for all your videos on attachment!

[@mismiserables]

This gives me hope

[@purplemidnight1571]

@Ashley-ann ellison yes anyone can do it! Just takes practice, determination, and getting back up every time you fall...for months I fell a lot omg the anxiety and avoidance would both get so high at times I thought I was doomed to be fa forever. My partner and I are doing so much better from having daily disagreements/anger and a major argument at least once a week to being able to express ourselves better when disagreements do come up and even when we do argue we don't stay mad at each other like we used to before...We can work it out! 🙏 Sharing all this because I want to encourage you to keep at it, it gets better! 💜

[@mindfulmeaningfulmoments247]

Did you take the FA course?

[@tequilabumbum4373]

Jean G Can I ask if your partner is DA or AA? And did you work on yourself while taking the course, writing everything down, digging deep, or once the situation comes up? I would really appreciate your answer❤️

[@purplemoose6431]

I am an F. A. This is a great video very accurate.

[@bibsmoreno5677]

I would still love to see how to get through to the DA when they deactivate

[@iloveTool]

I would think talk to them in a laid back/mature way. Definitely do not pressure, guilt trip, over pursue, complain etc. I'm fearful avoidant but I have a strong avoidant side and nothing makes me want to run for the hills faster than someone who does the things I just mentioned.

[@AustinRoberts88]

As an FA I agreed to an open relationship with my ex (still close friends) because logically I thought it sounded fine and actually fun. And then after I agreed to it and he actually had sex with someone I completely lost my mind. I ended up breaking up with him because I knew on I was hurting him and couldn't make it stop. And before that we had stopped having sex because I would just completely shut down and have an out of body experience. I feel like I ruined everything even though he says he understands what happened and doesn't blame me for not knowing how to cope with past traumas. And now I feel like if I would have been better we could still be together. Wish I would have seen these videos a couple years ago!

[@Crissynxander]

Woooowww... For some reason, watching this and recent experiences I have had made me have a realization ... I am a fearful avoidant person, and I think that perhaps the way in which I have been conducting romantic relationships in general in the past couple of years is all a trauma response! :O I definitely believe polyamory can be healthy and great. But, I think I have been constantly on the defense. I think I've been using polyamory as a sort of shield. To protect myself from ever, ever being devastatingly broken and alone ever again ... I'm not sure what to do with this information. But it feels powerful and pertinent.

[@Crissynxander]

Furthermore... I have noticed that as a FA, my intense jealousy response doesn't get triggered as easily in a poly relationship as it would in a monogamous one. :O

[@a.ozyenginer]

Hi Thais, I've been following you for more than a year and I really love your content! I was wondering if you could also talk about how attachment styles process consensual non-monogamy. As an FA, it was quite challenging for me at the beginning; but it turned into a transformative experience in which me and my partner developed emotionally and gained communication skills we previously did not have. So I was wondering if you could also talk about alternative relationship styles and how attachment works in those contexts in the future. Thanks!!

[@dunw0rybhappy]

Yes!! Also very curious about how jealousy plays a part on consensual non-monogamy and how to work through it.

[@resueah7257]

Do any other FAs here get jealous mainly in relation to feeling significant or special?

[@dawnhughes9942]

Can you do a video for FA DA power struggle stage? I am FA and have been stuck for months with daily severe anxiety panic attacks and suicidal thoughts. I am unable to access medical care and I have no family to help me thru this. My partner and I are trying and both still in it, but it may drive one of us, prob me to an early grave. Yet, I also find in this society it is impossible to thrive financially solo. So stuck.

[@cloudslady3400]

I got jealous to the point where I shut down and I just lost all safety and I looked at my friends and the first thought that came to my mind was who are they?..I can’t ever trust them..I couldn’t feel the same way towards them anymore

[@CristinaaaMx]

Please talk about DAs and how they can see how their actions affect others very deeply. so they can see its not just us and we can work on it together.

[@Meli-ul9zt]

Yes this would be great. I feel like a lot of my bad triggers were mainly brought on by his actions but I don’t have the words to explain why.

[@ayomidecole]

!!!

[@MeAnINFP]

Just a tip, in case you're still doing it: You're supposed to speak in the side of the yeti microphone, not the top. If you tilt it more so you're speaking into the side you'll get clearer audio. :)

[@florenceofori7930]

Thais, I think I'm going crazy with jealousy. I need help.

[@HarryStyles_01]

I used to feel jealous from my ex Boyfriend's friends. I used to feel something i cant even describe,

[@magdapagan4055]

Are fearful avoidant inclined to cheat in the earlier stages of dating as a way of maintaining sense of self?

[@nachogoatcheese1761]

No, but after a break up or something that seems like a break up, we might be prone to transferance and using sex as validation that we are wantable (not necessarily loveable but wantable), and if you processed it as "taking a break" and they processed it as a break up, you might feel cheated on.

[@trillium7582]

Thais, I strongly identify with all things FA, but jealousy (especially in romantic relationships) is something I essentially don't experience. How can I tell if this is actually fine and just an area where I'm less codependent for once, or if this is actually a strategy I have for reducing the threat of attachment? I've never related to jealousy and when men act jealously toward me or try to make me jealous it's like I go cold and numb to them. I feel like they're trying to control me and I really hate it. (But codependently comply with it, haha.)

[@MKCfoundation]

Right . I’m a FA, rarely experience jealousy

[@mamz4834]

Wow I experience the same

[@gisellefernandes927]

I’m an FA and in my experience it depends a lot on the partner! I usually have secure or anxious partners and I don’t experience jealousy with them! But now, being with a DA partner... omg! Talk about jealousy...

[@michellegirau8136]

I had a FA boyfriend in the past and i never understood why he was dead set on me cheating. I had no "real" boyfriends before him or sexual relationships before him i never even flirted with anyone but he was dead set on asking me aeral times in our relationship if i was cheating on him. Its funny because he use to flirt with girls right infront of me, ask me if i have ever been to a strip club and we always watched movies that ether had heavy sex scenes or alot of naked women. I felt confused, sad, and anxious tbat whole relationship.

[@thewallflower7483]

He would accept gives from women at work and would buy them them all random occasions just because and they would leave him love notes signing XOXO saying he’s the best ever and he would tell me he tells them them one should leave his boyfriend and the other stay single as advice. He was their boss until he was being questioned about favoritism and the two women one left one got fired.

[@thewallflower7483]

One of the girls was half his age

[@NuunMoon]

do you other FA’s also experience extreme avoidance towards the person ur jealous of? i don’t even know them but i don’t have big feelings towards my partner but feel like i wanna vanish that person out of my and my partners life because “i don’t like them”

[@KINGCJ23_]

Yes I get hot and cold

[@A-list]

I disagree with this lady here. Fearful-Attachment is an Insecure Attachment Style and Insecure Attachment Styles including Dismissive-Avoidant are known to suppress their feelings (cuz they don't want to place themselves in vulnerable position) thus bottling up their intense feelings. One definitely does not have to be "officially committed" to feel jealousy. Some people don't show jealousy and repress it.

[@mismiserables]

How would I know if I'm a FA operating from my DA side, or I'm actually a DA

[@emotophobiccdd8006]

Did you take the free test at PDS?

[@skwerl81]

Also, if you are FA, you will start to feel more anxious once you're around an actual DA. Also, FAs have more trust wounds and the hypervigilance that she talks about here. DAs are more black and white, clear in what they say, etc whereas FAs tend to read between the lines a lot and play detective when suspicious lol

[@emotophobiccdd8006]

@@skwerl81 I score 44% DA and 38% FA. No wonder I'm an anxious ruin, just from being stuck with me. :-0

[@purplemidnight1571]

I'd say go by your past relationships too. In my past relationship I thought I was borderline because sometimes I would go numb and couldn't feel other times I was a mess not knowing what I wanted... now that I'm with a da the anxious side would come out a lot before I started working on myself. I didn't even know before I got with my da that I was capable of caring so much...in my past relationship I once called myself the "absent partner." Anyway, watch thais's videos on how to know if you're an fa I was amazed how much it described me the first time I watched it.

[@skwerl81]

@@emotophobiccdd8006 to be honest, the fact that you are aware of your tendencies and are even watching this channel is HUGE! I don't know if you are interested in learning more and doing more work around it, but if so please do not be discouraged!! The school and courses are super helpful too... it's not an overnight process but after my own 38 years of being FA, I'm finally seeing some light at the end of the tunnel here! :)

[@feralcruz2093]

This is like scientology nonsense

[@RipsGirl]

What?? It’s nothing like Scientology 🙄🤦🏻‍♀️ This is called psychology, you might want to look it up.

[@feralcruz2093]

@@RipsGirl it's scientology, look it up. Or just stick with your vocal fry comments since you don't know anything worthwhile anyway

[@faysmith7248]

Dumb dumb

[@faysmith7248]

@@feralcruz2093 funny 🤣 I love her voice!